January 1, 2025 • 61 mins
This episode dives deep into the labyrinth of human desire, encouraging listeners to uncover and embrace their true wants, which often remain hidden behind shame and societal expectations. By emphasizing the transformative power of confession and the significance of silence, this reflection inspires those who are lost in the chaos of life to find clarity and authenticity in their desires.
- Unpacking the concept of the Metta Bomb as a metaphor for chaos
- The importance of confronting hidden desires and overcoming shame
- Confession as a vital tool for personal growth and liberation
- Navigating the contrasts between societal expectations and authentic wants
- Discovering the power of silence to facilitate self-reflection and clarity
What sets your soul on fire? What do you really, really want? Let's find it... together.
"The Return of Rimbaud" continues the opening story from S4E4: First Blood, Best Blood.
Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes is LA's number-one avant-garde personal development program. New episodes premiere on KCHUNG Los Angeles on the first Wednesday of the month.
The writer, producer, host, and witty and wounded romantic hero is Emerson Dameron, who is wholly responsible for its content.
Levity saves lives.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emerson Dameron (00:11):
Yes, in the flesh, I love doing this show.
It keeps me off the streets.
I get to meet people like youfans, sometimes to a disturbing
extent, but that's okay.
That makes me feel good.
It gives me a chance topractice setting and enforcing
my boundaries.
I don't need to do that withyou, though.
You get it.
We bring out the best in eachother.
Yes, take a picture of us, postit, tag me.
(00:34):
This is pride by association.
I'm glad you love the show.
I'm glad you understand it.
It's complex.
Most people don't.
Satire at scale is bound to bebadly misinterpreted.
If you get it, I'm doingsomething right that makes
everything else worthwhile.
That makes me glad people don'tget it.
(00:55):
Bring it, bring me yourignorance.
I'll smoke it right in front ofyou.
I'm deeply wounded.
Scratch a cynic, you get awounded romantic.
I've had a lot of pain in mylife.
I've been hurt, betrayed.
That never goes away.
It still hurts when it rains,but I'm a lover, a fighter, and
I can keep a secret, can you?
(01:17):
I'm working on something new.
If you wanted to destroyeverything terrible in the world
, or just everything you don'tlike, how would you do it?
That's what I would havethought, as always, if you go
against consensus opinion andtransgress boundaries, shatter
taboos, you'll go into a newplace.
You'll come back changed.
(01:37):
I'm not ready to make thispublic yet, but I'm working on a
way to create profound chaos,destruction up to and including
total annihilation.
A certain combination of insightand compassion, kindness, meta
and vipassana.
They're back in town this time.
(01:59):
They're not screwing around.
It's called the Meta Bomb.
You're the first person I'vetold I'm still workshopping this
.
Let's kick some ideas around.
It's called the Meta Bomb.
You're the first person I'vetold I'm still workshopping this
.
Let's kick some ideas around.
You can come on to me if youwant.
I'll be flattered regardless.
It takes a lot to make me melt.
I'm curious about people, aboutthe world and you.
Let's laugh and learn together.
(02:20):
It's us against it.
You know what I don't have totell you.
We're connected.
You get it.
You might be clairvoyant andthat's rubbing off on me and I
like it.
I'm experiencing clairvoyanceby proxy.
It is a trip.
Whatever you're smoking, bringsome of that to our brainstorm.
We'll smoke and then smoke thecompetition.
(02:40):
They're getting smoked.
That's what's up.
Hell yeah, bring the noise,bring that special noise, the
good stuff, the vintage stuff.
You know what I'm talking about.
I use code and implication, andthere's a language developing
between us that's unique to us.
It's part of our K-Chung, losAngeles 1630 am.
(03:07):
Kchungradioorg.
On the World Wide Web, this isEmerson Dameron's Medicated
Minutes, la's number oneavant-garde personal development
program, home of Ask a Sadist,proudly sponsored by the First
Church of the Satanic Buddha,birthplace and habitat of
(03:29):
bite-sized erotic thrillers.
My name is Emerson Dameron.
I'm the writer, producer, hosteverything.
I love you personally.
Levity saves lives, thank you.
(04:12):
What do you really want?
Do you know?
How do you know?
That's not what someone elsewants for you.
We're hardwired to want what wethink the people around us want
, and it makes it hard to tellwhat you actually want.
If what you want isembarrassing, that's a good
indication.
I believe that it's legitimate.
But it could be money, power,sex, cocaine all wonderful
(04:36):
things very much worthy ofwanting.
In the end, nothing ever reallysatisfies, as the Buddhists
teach us.
And yet this life is all we get.
We seek pleasure the way plantsturn toward the sun.
We've got our hedonic treadmillpleasures.
The dopamine hits thecompulsions that resemble
(04:58):
addiction.
The work of a lifetime is tofind out what our real pleasures
are.
When we find them, indulge and,in the meantime, take whatever
is pleasure adjacent thathappens to be in front of us,
and love the one we're with andindulge.
As we learn from the Satanists,we hide and misunderstand our
(05:19):
true desires because they'reshameful.
I know what you want.
I know more about you than youknow about yourself.
You would be shocked.
I'm not going to tell you Rightnow.
It's still a hypothesis.
It may become a theory, but notif I taint the experiment by
biasing you one way or another.
Because you're going to try toimpress me, because you want me
(05:39):
to like you, because you have acrush on me, don't want to look
bad in my eyes.
You, because you have a crushon me, don't want to look bad in
my eyes.
But what you don't realize isthat that's what I'm into.
Debase yourself.
Tell me, what do you reallywant?
What's something you don't wantme to know that you want?
I believe that you really wantthat.
I don't believe that you don'twant me to know that you want
that.
Yeah, I want to see your faceturn pink when you tell me
(06:02):
that's sexy.
Why?
Because you know I can betrusted.
Hiding your true desires iskilling you inside and dying to
just share it with someone whomight understand or who could do
a really good job of busting it.
I have a guess.
I want to hear it from you.
I want to hear how you say it,the words you choose and how
(06:23):
much shame is in your voice.
That is all part of the program.
That is information I need forthe experiment.
What do you really want?
Happiness is knowing what youwant and how to get it.
Success is doing what you want,when you want, where you want,
with whom you want, how you want.
If you don't know what youreally want, it's going to be
difficult to do any of thosethings.
(06:45):
You're going to be pinballwizarding and I think you would
probably get what you wantanyway.
You've got it like that.
Don't sell yourself short.
But I know you're dying to tellme.
Let the denial fall away.
Relax.
It's going to feel so good ifyou've unburdened your soul and
shared with me what you reallyreally want.
(07:06):
Hit me, lay it on me.
What do you really really want?
Spice Girl, you're exhausting.
(07:28):
That's disappointing, confusing, destabilizes my reality, my
friendships are investments.
I don't want to back Aliza.
I believe in you.
There's a light on in theresomewhere, but you gotta get on
it.
Pay attention, get in the game.
Be dropping drinks it's notcool, but gotta get on it.
Pay attention, get in the game.
Could be dropping drinks.
It's not cool, I don't like.
(07:49):
It Makes me doubt my ownjudgement.
What's the quid pro quo?
Just your tit for my tat orvice versa?
That sounded dirty.
You probably enjoyed that.
I'm not a gutter dweller likeyou are.
I'm not a pervert.
I am, but I don't make itobvious like you do.
Let's talk turkey Hands off.
I have boundaries.
I have trouble trusting people.
My family weren't huggers.
(08:10):
They hugged stuffed animals.
Don't treat me like a stuffedanimal.
I'm a person.
Ask first, that's all I ask.
I might say yes, only one wayto find out.
What do you mean by riff andjazz cat or riff-raff, half of a
riffraff for the good half orthe bad half?
Just such a tragedy.
It's so confusing and raging.
It's a tragedy and it'sdisgusting.
(08:33):
God hurts my heart to be in thesame world as that.
You understand social dynamicsand psychology at a post-grad
level.
You should teach the class.
It's a seminar.
You'll be the one person thatgets rich off of teaching.
That's how brilliant you are.
You're insinuating.
I never would have brought thatup.
You brought it up.
You started this, you finishedit.
(08:54):
Say you're sorry.
Give me a real, authenticapology.
Explain what you did.
Show me that you understand theimpact and that you're going to
do better.
Specific Specificity killsambiguity.
If you're contrite, if you feelremorse, if you want to grow and
change, is it?
You don't?
If you're not, it's a grow orgo.
Your life's going to be boring.
If you think you're perfectright now, I don't know why we
(09:15):
keep hurting each other.
It didn't used to be like this.
As recently as 15 minutes ago,we were copacetic.
We were chemically compatible.
It's just the new relationship.
Energy wore off.
It was a fleeting honeymoon.
Where's the love?
Where is the magic we had?
It doesn't have to be like thatforever.
Make something new.
You don't have to let it dielike this, tragically,
(09:35):
humiliatingly for you.
A love like this cannot bewatered with golden showers
alone.
My friend, if you experiencelimerence, you know what that is
.
I'm in a rumination life spiral.
I'm taking control, firingmotherfuckers.
You don't threaten me.
People do the worst that youlet them get away with.
Oh god, it's just sopredictable at this point that
must be humiliating for you.
(09:56):
That's somebody who uh, really,what's their insecurity, block
any chance of intimacy orunderstanding.
That's the expression get outof your own way was created for
you.
Do you have data behind that?
I don't know if I agree withyou.
Who else?
Who would co-sign that you'venever done anything wrong?
You wouldn't know.
You're the only one who's beenthere for all of it.
What's your system of moralitybehind that?
(10:17):
Whose laws have you neverviolated?
What do you not transgress?
What's sacred to you?
Sacred or profane?
Pick one.
We can start with profane ifyou want.
That's more fun.
Sexy.
I want a new drug in the mannerof Huey Lewis in the news.
(10:38):
I don't want it to make me feellike I do when I'm in love,
because sometimes that feelsgreat and sometimes I feel
suicidal.
I don't want sex.
I do Not enough to make that mywish and my plan, because that
involves human intimacy andsomething's bound to go wrong.
You just can't plan for all thecontingencies when people are
(11:01):
involved.
I love sex.
When it comes to people, I haveserious questions.
So drugs it is.
That also is not necessarily afactor that can be controlled,
but in this case it is becauseI'm making my wish very specific
.
I'm wishing for a veryparticular new drug.
It can be anything.
It could be PCP crossed withMDMA, it could be psychedelic
(11:27):
toe venom, a beta blocker, or itcould be much stronger than
Viagra and turn sex into thetrue symphony of feel-good
chemicals and the exuberantcelebration of human creativity
and the peak of rip-roaringphysical comedy.
It was always meant to be.
(11:48):
I have a different experiencewith this drug than most people
do.
With most people it's a roll ofthe dice.
They don't know what they'regoing to get.
It makes the orgies veryinteresting.
If your regular Friday nightonce a month orgies become stale
, get a bag of these and it'sgoing to be much more
interesting.
However, it's a very differentexperience for me because I can
(12:11):
control the experience.
I can decide what the drug isgoing to do for me, and that's
because, prior to discoveringthis stuff, I have utterly
mastered meditation down acrossand around the world and in
circles around the moon.
I am one of the greatestpractitioners who ever lived and
(12:35):
as a living organism I'm betterthan the gods because I remain
a work in progress, a process ofbecoming, and the meditation
excellence is not the wish.
It's going to take a lot ofhard work, especially because I
have to front load it into thefirst few months of the year,
because I want to spend a lot oftime with this drug, and that's
not the wish itself, that'sjust something that has to
(12:57):
happen in order for this to work.
I am in complete control of thedrug experience, and so I can
have basically any drugexperience that I want, whenever
I want, and it doesn't matterhow expensive it is, because I
can pay for it.
That's another part of this.
I have all the money that Ineed.
(13:17):
Like most people, I wouldanticipate wanting more after I
have everything that I need.
That's not going to happen.
That's part of the plan.
If it does, I can take thisdrug.
This drug allows me to have anyexperience that I want and to
utterly master myself withouthaving to deal with other people
, without having to createconflict or issues in the world.
(13:41):
I know that it could be morecomplicated.
It doesn't matter if it'saddictive, by the way, because I
have all the money I need topay for it.
In that case, it involvessetting very clear intentions
for the experience.
I have a worksheet of numerousXX number of contingencies that
(14:02):
need to be planned out for everydose.
I can't just eyeball it.
I have a very sensitive scalethat I'm going to be using.
I have to get the good stuff,so it includes trusting a drug
dealer.
Trust is a leap of faith and itdoesn't you know.
If things go sideways a littlebit, there are things I can do
(14:24):
to bring myself back.
I can visualize having my feeton the ground Like it's.
One of the things that thisdrug can mimic is the experience
of early sobriety, the pinkcloud where it seems like
everything's going to be okayand this is the ultimate high
and you're very excited about it.
I can bring about that stateeven in times of turmoil, simply
(14:45):
through visualizing a veryspecific visualization.
I have affirmations that I canuse.
It is what it is.
You are loving, you are lovedand you're going to be okay.
Every day, in every way, I'mgetting better and better.
Also, fuck all y'all and someother stuff of that nature.
I can very carefully focus mybreathing.
(15:08):
There are a number of breathingexercises that I can do, which
I'm going to list here One, two,three.
I can activate my chakras,which I can do by breathing in a
certain way, and throughpractice of mindful masturbation
, where I can become the bestlover that I've ever had and
(15:30):
keep that entirely to myself,because the world does not
deserve that.
Yet gratitude.
Practice is important.
I may not be providing theshattering orgasms that I could.
The effects of this drug make mevery cognizant and aware of how
much generosity and kindnessand thoughtfulness and at least
(15:54):
courtesy and dignity to get outof other people's way, even if
we can't get out of our own,goes into every day of life.
I'm very grateful to GregLawrence, to Brandon Weatherby,
to Jennifer Kinsey and a bunchof other folks for very specific
reasons, because I don't wantthem to get their own idea.
And then I can wrap it up witha guided meditation about being
(16:18):
in total control of one'senvironment and purview, one
thing that has to be taken intoaccount with this or any other
pursuit of this nature.
What phase is the moon in Allimportant?
It drives people insane.
It brings the tides in and out.
It's something you can wish on.
Every time there's a super moonit changes up the rules on the
(16:42):
playlist that I've had goingback and forth.
So it's important to do thisvery interesting moon ceremony
that I'm going to create when Icreate the guided meditation.
So now I have a couple of newassignments for myself the
guided meditation for being incomplete control of myself and
this and everything else.
(17:03):
And a moon celebration Not evena meditation.
I don't think it's going to bea salute to the moon, honoring
the big guy in the sky.
Part of this, aside from havingpractice in completely
controlling my mind, is going tobe the practice of setting
(17:26):
intentions.
The dangerous thing about it is, once you have this capacity
and once you eventually realizeyou can do it without the drug,
you kind of have aresponsibility to create your
own experience.
If life is suffering, you can'tit without the drug.
You kind of have aresponsibility to create your
own experience.
If life is suffering, you can'treally let yourself get away
with that anymore.
You can also set other people'sexperience.
(17:48):
That's when it gets reallyexciting.
I don't have to worry aboutthat until 2025, if not 2026.
I'm kind of holding my cardsuntil I know that we're not
going to be living in adictatorship next year.
After that, who is to say Me?
I am, I control everything, myentire reality.
(18:34):
Is it more important to improveyourself from here on or to be
honest with yourself now aboutwhere you're at?
I would say that B is aprerequisite for A If you don't
know where North is you're goingto have a hard time actually
improving yourself.
So if you don't really want toimprove yourself but you want to
(18:54):
think that you're improvingyourselfy your own darker
proclivities but if you actuallywant to improve yourself, it's
a good idea to be aware of allof that stuff actively and cough
it up, preferably for anotherperson you can trust.
That's why in recovery groupspeople have sponsors.
(19:16):
That's why more and more peoplehave therapists.
It explains the tradition of theconfession booth.
There's tower and confession.
Confession is catharsis.
If you bring forth what iswithin you, what is within you
can save you.
If you do not bring forth whatis within you, what is within
you can destroy you.
(19:37):
It will eventually reflect inyour physical appearance.
As Camus said, over timeeveryone gets the face they
deserve.
If you do not bring forth whatis within you, you'll end up
looking perverse and distended,like a garbage pail kid.
Everybody's wondering what's upwith that.
In order to get away withsomething that even you would
(19:58):
agree is morally repugnant.
It helps if you can believeyour own BS.
It's not really a lie.
It doesn't feel like a lie ifyou believe it, but you never
quite convince yourself andyou'll end up like OJ Simpson,
just a miserable husk of whatyou once were corrupted by your
(20:20):
own dishonesty, disgusted withyourself and the world for doing
the thing and letting you getaway with it, respectively.
That's the power of confession.
Come on, I know you gotsomething juicy.
What do you want to tell me?
I can keep a secret, we'refriends.
I will take it to my grave.
I promise I can tell yousomething equally embarrassing
(20:41):
about me.
But you have to go first,because then I'll trust you.
Well, I know I'm trustworthy.
I don't know if you'retrustworthy, so you go first.
You've got more to prove.
If you're anything like mostpeople, you have a lot of
secrets.
Some of them are dark.
A lot of them are patheticsecrets.
Some of them are dark, a lot ofthem are pathetic.
You're hiding a monster in thebasement.
It could be a scary, dangerousmonster.
(21:08):
More likely, it's just a sillymonster with a lot of
insecurities, kind of a bigot,both paranoid and
extraordinarily gullible andterrible in a somewhat endearing
way.
That also in a way that willmake you wonder how you thought
so highly of this person.
Of course you've got to becareful about to whom you
confess.
There's a reason thattherapists are not allowed to
(21:30):
testify against you in courtunless it's absolutely necessary
.
Beware of confessing to anyonewho might betray you, which is
almost everyone you know.
So perhaps there's honor amongmonsters.
I always suspected that the dealwith Catholicism is that once
you convert, you can do anythingyou want, as long as you
confess and you get to be apious hypocrite about it, the
(21:52):
hat trick.
What I'm getting to is Come on,tell me I know you really want
to tell me.
Spit it out.
Just say it.
Doesn't that feel better?
I will respect your confidence.
Be really careful about whatyou ask the internet.
Assume that everything you typeis going to be public knowledge
and know that even if it's nottraceable to you, it can become
(22:15):
part of the public record.
Deeply pathetic and maybe kindof endearing.
At least you're not alone inyour garden variety scumminess,
thank you.
(23:23):
I feel worn out all the time.
If life feels empty andmeaningless, maybe it's talking
too much that's wearing you out.
Maybe you need to shut up.
I say that with all love in myheart.
Maybe you want to shut up.
Maybe that's what's keeping youfrom crossing the line from
good to great.
You should at least try it.
Shut up.
(23:43):
There's too much noisepollution around.
I would know I was a chatterboxwhen I was a kid.
I was skinny, I was loud, I waslike a little bouncing skeleton
marionette.
I made my own music.
I never stopped talking aboutthe things that were interesting
to me or which were notinteresting to others.
I did not manage to get a lotof people interested in those
(24:04):
things, but I went on to starttalking about them and then I
hit puberty.
My voice dropped conspicuously.
I got braces.
My teeth were pretty fucked upwhen I was in my chatterbox
years.
When I had the braces it wasserious business.
I had metal in mouth and I wascutting the insides of my mouth.
My mouth soared.
Aside from not wanting to talkbecause my voice sounded weird,
I wasn't thinking about anythingexcept sex.
(24:26):
I was covered with acne.
I was certainly becoming anintrovert.
I was an introvert for a longtime.
That's kind of when I learnedthat it can be sad and
frustrating to be alone, to feellike you can't communicate, to
feel like you're not heard, tofeel like you're shouting into
the void and but but, and youlearn a lot from shutting the
fuck up for a while.
(24:46):
Embracing introversion is alifestyle, and that's how I
started reading and developedsome interesting hobbies and
figured out who some of myfriends are, and now I'm kind of
in the happy medium.
I can talk up a storm when I'mdoing my radio show.
I am the number one avant-gardemotivational speaker in Los
Angeles.
I'm changing lives, one at atime, sometimes many at a time.
(25:09):
I don't know how many ticketswe sell.
And that's all because I wasable to shut the fuck up.
And I just shut the fuck uphardcore for a while, and now I
can just do it by choice when Iwant, and you should follow my
lead.
Shut the fuck up, try it.
Okay, let's get into it.
Why?
Why should you shut the fuck up?
I feel some resistance.
Listen to the things that yousay and from that, yeah, if you
(25:30):
get a tape recorder, transcribeit, or just stop when you're
talking and pay attention to thewords that are coming out of
your mouth, that you're fillingthe air with.
What the hell are you talkingabout?
What is the point of this?
Does this mean anything?
Do you believe any of thisstuff?
Why do you say the things thatyou say?
Think about that in some depthand look for patterns.
(25:53):
What are your can-stop phrasesthat let the world know and let
you know that you can shut downbecause you're not invested
anymore.
You don't care, you're notreally communicating, you're
just talking to talk from thefear of shutting up.
Why are we afraid to shut up?
Well, they say, a closed mouthdon't get fed, and that could be
(26:14):
true initially and you mighthave to get your own food.
You might have to figure outhow to be worthy of attention,
to earn your self-esteem, tohave something to talk about,
and get out there and live.
And that's scary.
It's easier to talk than it isto really take risks, but once
you start taking risks it gets alittle easier.
And when you get over the fearof shutting up or just accept it
(26:36):
and shut the fuck up anyway,you'll find that your threshold
increases and you can do a lotof things you weren't able to do
before.
But you probably need a plan ifyou're anything like me, you
are what you do every day, soshut up every day as much as
possible.
Large blocks of time, hours outof the day, resolve to not say
anything unless it's truly anemergency.
(26:58):
Immerse yourself pretty hard atfirst.
Go all the way in.
Do a silent meditation retreatif you can.
I got a scholarship into one.
It can be done.
They're prohibitively expensive, but don't let that stop you.
If you learn to shut up, youcan make a lot of money off of
it.
Time as an introvert will teachyou the greatest lessons of your
life.
You'll become moreself-sufficient.
You'll achieve Pascal's thing.
(27:20):
He had a quote the reasonpeople can't be happy is they
can't spend time alone in roomswith themselves.
You will be able to do that andthen if you can make it there,
you can make it anywhere.
If you can meet yourself headon and realize all of the noble
truths for yourself throughdirect experience.
You're still going to haveproblems, maybe better ones,
(27:45):
different ones, higher qualityones, the problems you deserve.
The only problem with problemsis we think we're not supposed
to have them, so go get somebetter ones.
You can do that by shutting up,which inevitably leads to paying
attention.
When you are able to shut upand stop babbling, you need
something else to do with yourbrain, and that's how you
cultivate strength.
You become stoic when you don'thave to talk anymore.
You're like Polly Goodfellasyou move slow because you don't
have to move for anyone.
You connect better with otherpeople because you're paying
(28:06):
attention to other people'sexperience and what's really
going on around you.
You have something interestingto say about what's going on and
to people in your orbit.
You develop self-compassion.
You get a hold of your emotions, your feelings, learn to manage
them and be present and strongfor others.
Back to the closed mouth don'tget fed thing when you become
(28:27):
silent, but you areparticipating.
Both can be done.
Culture is not your friend.
You have to participate anyway.
You can find ways to do thatthat don't involve just talk,
talk, talking.
This show is a lot of talking.
I do a lot of talking, so do alot of doing that goes on behind
the scenes.
People that know about thatappreciate it and everything I
want from those people, I makethem do my bidding, and that's
(28:49):
all because I figured out how toshut the fuck up and that's how
I create supportiverelationships and I'm not
constantly sweet-talking peopletrying to get them on my side.
The words are my stock in tradeand when the time comes, I
admit to my observations and Ihave some interesting things to
say to you about yourself, yourvery favorite topic, and you may
end up thinking I know youbetter than you know you, but
(29:11):
really it's just because I'mpaying attention.
All this stuff is right outthere on the table.
You can find it.
Just take action.
Shut the fuck up, pay.
This stuff is right out thereon the table.
You can find it.
Just take action, shut the fuckup.
Pay attention.
Try really shutting the fuck upfor weeks at a time and when
you have something to say, writeit down.
If it's important, later, sayit.
If not, forget it.
Most of the stuff we think aboutdoesn't last in terms of
relevance.
When you have to deal withsetbacks, when you put your foot
(29:35):
in your mouth maybe you're notused to running your mouth all
the time.
When you do it's awkward, yousay the wrong thing, that's okay
.
You don't have to immediatelystart correcting for it.
You just let it pass.
You laugh, you learn, you love,you get paid a whole lot
because most people rat jackthemselves by running their
mouths and talking past the saleand saying too much.
And you're not going to have toworry about that anymore.
(29:56):
You're going to know when toshut up, which is right now, or
it was five minutes ago, butright now is also good.
Together we can start combatingall this noise pollution, all
this wasted thought, wasted time, not even fake intimacy, like
we're not even fucking trying.
It has nothing to do withintimacy, intimacy or bust.
Find your real people.
(30:18):
Find the others, the people whoyou can communicate with on
that other level, where youcommunicate without even having
to talk.
And then, when you do starttalking, watch out, you're going
to be finishing and startingeach other's sentences and
drinking each other's bodilyfluids.
All you have to do first isfigure out how to deliberately,
conclusively, as a habit, as alifestyle, because you love it,
(30:41):
because out of respect to thepeople around you, out of love
for yourself, out of desire toknow, as part of your quest for
self-realization, something youdo every day, and then keep
doing it and doing it and doingit.
It's a daily practice andanything that you make a daily
practice is bound to make yourlife more interesting.
It's psychedelic.
It'll make crazy dreams.
It'll get into your dreams.
(31:01):
Not even silence, room tone,white noise.
You will teach yourself,celebrate yourself, you will
honor yourself.
It will be your form ofmasturbation and prayer, just to
shut the fuck up.
Nobody cares.
You don't have to sayeverything, nobody cares.
You don't have to sayeverything, especially not about
(31:23):
yourself.
Shut up every once in a whileGet a system if it helps.
Deep in the shallowness of thehalf-bad old drizzling rambus
times of hammocks strung betweenflagpoles, a mother swaddled
(31:48):
her daughter in an Algerianthrow rug and together they
escaped the appalling drawlingdrone of the paranoid priest and
potentate in the den of thecraven clack-clack-clacking of
motorized dentures.
Imagine life in a lush,gurgling paradise, in a buoyant
harmony with itself, whereeveryone has everything they
(32:09):
need to thrive, evolve and notscrew it up for everyone else.
A world free of mortal terrorand its attendant acts of evil
and self-immolating madness.
Look, the party's over.
The cocaine is all gone.
Earth has been trying to kickus out for hours.
Human consciousness itself ishell.
So choose the optimalexistential exit strategy
voluntary human extinction andcure the human condition for
(32:32):
good.
Historically, I have a definite,measurable pattern of
attracting romantic partnersGerman-engineered to make me
(32:52):
miserable.
They don't do that.
Only I can make me miserable.
But I find partners that canhelp facilitate that because
they are specifically selectedby me, subconsciously, by virtue
of their ability to hit mewhere it hurts, to perhaps talk
me off of the ledge, but alsotalk me off of the pedestal,
bring me down to earth, bring meway, way down where I have to
(33:15):
dig through the dirt to dealwith all of my worst qualities.
I have an image in my mind of mytype Not a blonde with freckles
and really good at sucking dick.
I mean someone who is my idealpartner.
In that I feel like she's theyin to my yang, the masculine to
my feminine.
(33:35):
My completion meaning embodiesall of the elements that I deny
in myself Things that are partof me I wouldn't perceive them
if they weren't part of me butthings that I'm not comfortable
owning myself and that willprobably continue until I make
the unconscious conscious.
It will rule my life and I'llcall it fate.
(33:56):
So I end up with people who arevery willful, people who are
stubborn, won't do what I tellthem, and that's, of course, my
weird relationship with myselfNot following through on things
I promise myself.
Really trusting myself, patternof self-sabotage All of these
things are certainly very muchin effect when it comes time to
(34:18):
hit the dating scene.
What do I want?
My ideal relationship?
Someone submissive but notservile.
Someone who's powerful in theworld breaks down for me because
I give her a place to do that.
So I want to be a certain kindof person.
I can have that certain kind ofpartnership, I should probably
go about making myself that guy.
(34:38):
That's a lifelong process.
I'm always going to be gettingbetter.
What are my strengths right now?
Well, I've been through thefire over the last few years.
I'm able to tell my storybecause I'm still here.
I think my personality haschanged somewhat.
I'm a little bit moredeliberate with setting
boundaries.
I don't expect people to justgo along with them, I expect
(35:00):
confrontation.
I'm prepared for it.
I know that.
I know what's right for me.
I can figure it out.
I know better than you do,because I'm the person who's
really rooting for me, and so itreally is up to me.
That part, the part that takescare of the part that is
definable as Emerson Dameron,that's my responsibility.
So that needs to be job numberone.
(35:20):
You always come second to that.
That's new for me.
I used to put people first.
I used to get women who, atsome level, would want to be put
first.
That's what they would tell thefeminist book club and that
might be what they believeconsciously, but in reality they
wanted to be dominated.
Some of them seemed to want tobe put in the hospital.
I couldn't deliver that.
In the long run.
(35:40):
I got pushed around and stoppedcaring, started thinking
outside of the relationshipbecause it was too frustrating.
She wasn't submitting.
I didn't know how to make herdo that.
I didn't know she wanted me tomake her do that Frustrating
stuff.
My ideal relationship would looklike I mean, right now I don't
want one.
I don't want a serious one.
I don't know if I'm going towant one at all.
(36:01):
I want someone who's not goingto send me back years of working
on myself, somebody whofacilitates my personal growth,
somebody who's rooting for me,believes in me.
Nasty whore in bed,compassionate, kind, artistic,
creative, imaginative, verbal,adept with language.
A reader would be nice.
Yeah, I think that's probablyrequired.
And somebody who gets me a fan,somebody who digs what I do,
(36:24):
picks up what I'm laying down,picks up my gems, knows how to
find my good stuff and pushes meto lean into my edge to double
down on the things that areweird and uncomfortable, because
for me that's where the gloryis, that's where the action is.
Keeps me in the moment becausethe action is right here.
He knows I'm always going tohave this depression going on.
(36:48):
That's something I have to workwith, work around that I'm
probably never going to get ridof and he's willing to help me
out, knows she can expect somemore in return.
Very transparent, honest, deep.
Tells me things no one elseknows.
Previously unreleased sexualfantasies are really the ball
Anything along those linesbecause then I know I am able to
step in, step up, stand out andshe needs me.
(37:26):
I don't think that life getsbetter at this point.
It can.
It can get better, it can getsignificantly better only if you
allow yourself to believepreferably with delusional,
excessive optimism, optimismthat it can.
But my point of view is that Ido myself no favors by
(37:48):
pretending I am not against longodds.
I am so tired.
It can be done.
It's rare and thus remarkable.
You hear about it when ithappens because it doesn't
happen.
Most of the time it's a manbites dog.
Man in his 40s still has goodtimes ahead of him.
His best opportunities have notyet been wasted and squandered
(38:08):
with everything else that he hadin the way of opportunities or
love.
It's not all gone.
If you believe that it's not,maybe it's not.
If you think that all is lost,it probably is.
You will be in dire straits ifyou sacrifice that one sliver of
hope that keeps you moving.
I am not good at lying tomyself from the way that I do
(38:30):
things.
I want to know what the oddsare, and the odds aren't good.
I'm probably done with thebetter part of my life.
I sort of hope I don't knowthat I want what comes after
this.
I know that I'm too tired to dothe kind of scrambling it would
take to make anything of this,this mess that I made when I get
(38:50):
home.
If I get home, that's a big if.
The if is big because it's ahigh probability that it will
happen.
The expectation that it willprove to be a yes and to have
been a win.
Chilling in Schroeder's box,living off of raw cat meat, or
was it?
It's gonna be fine.
(39:11):
This is the hard part, not thelast hard thing.
Statement of fact as joke.
Hell to the fuck.
Yeah, don't overthink it.
(39:44):
Approach with confidence, beyourself or someone like you.
Craft a persona perhaps.
If that makes you feel a littlebit of detachment, then you
want the same fear of rejection,because it's really not you
getting rejected.
It would be if you werevulnerable like an idiot that
you'd be putting it all on theline, you would be getting
(40:04):
sucked in, whereas if you'replaying a character, there's
some distance and you can usethat.
If they reject the character,you can always create a
different one.
If you're trying to beauthentic, good luck.
Nobody's authentic.
People put on a show for eachother, manipulate each other all
the time.
That's how social dynamics work.
(40:25):
It's the dance, it's theater,and once you see that, it gives
you superpowers.
You cannot see it, nor wouldyou want to, because you can win
games of chess on the otherside of the earth just with your
mind.
You can refreeze icebergs andbring penguins back to life, but
we're getting ahead ofourselves.
These icebergs and bringpenguins back to life, but we're
(40:47):
getting ahead of ourselves.
Just approach, introduceyourself, make an observation,
communicate some interest,without laying it on too thick
or being needy or creepy, andeverything will go fine, as long
as you do everything correctly.
And when it's time to keepgoing, just continue to exhibit
your natural confidence.
Just imagine, before you go out,do some affirmations in the
(41:07):
mirror.
Just imagine, as you're walkingthrough the city, a building
that gets on your nerves yeah,you just swing it and wreck it,
and that's how it goes.
You create your own reality.
You understand power, youunderstand the dance, you know
how it works.
You couldn't go back and youwouldn't.
Now you have someresponsibility to create your
(41:29):
own reality and make it the kindof reality you want to live in
and have overnight guests insometimes, or maybe you'll kick
them out before they go to sleep, or you could play the away
game.
That's better.
You get a look at how otherpeople live and that will
improve your main skill justbeing genuinely curious about
other people.
(41:49):
Have your own passions, haveyour opinions, be willing to
plant a flag, know who you are,know what you like and what you
don't like, and let people knowthat.
Be a little bit selfish.
If you're not a little bitselfish, we don't know who you
are and we can't trust you.
But be curious about aboutother people.
Listen actively in a detachedway, which you can learn through
meditation, where you don't getcaught up in the story.
(42:09):
You're able to see the worldthrough perspectives other than
your own, which is another nicething about the fact that you're
playing a character.
See how other people areplaying characters too and
perhaps get a glimpse of wherethat connects with their
authentic selves.
Whatever they think that isthere is.
No, we don't have a heart ofhearts.
(42:31):
We just are who we are inrelation to other people.
Narcissism is thinking thatyou're so special that there's a
part of you that is notrevealed in your social
interactions.
Those are all you are.
You are what you do and you arehow you relate to other people,
and that's it.
You don't have a heart ofhearts.
There is no real you.
(42:51):
So you might as well getcurious about other people, get
fascinated, be passionate aboutyour own interests.
Again, people will get hookedon that and a little friction
and disagreement goes a long waytoward explosive hate.
Sex Friction is important.
Polarity is important.
Difference should be emphasized.
(43:12):
Anger is a catalyst for passion.
People are afraid of conflict.
Without conflict, theirrelationship dies.
It's a mix of conflict andcomfort.
You need to have both.
Conflict is the one that peopleare afraid of.
It is misunderstood.
So become a master of that.
Don't be afraid to be a littlebit abrasive and aggressive, but
(43:32):
also be fascinated withwhoever's in front of you.
Just really get to know thatperson inside and out in a way
that perhaps they don't knowthemselves.
Don't let them know that.
Don't let them know that.
Don't let them know that you'reinterested.
You can communicate a littlebit of interest and also be
willing to talk about sex andlet it be known that you're a
(43:55):
sexual being and that's howyou're presenting yourself,
because this is a sex thing andrelationships start with sex.
Sex starts with a blowjob.
Love comes later, once youreally get to know each other,
which can best be done throughwild, brutal, mutually degrading
sex.
But don't act fascinated.
Be fascinated, but then pullback a little bit.
(44:17):
Keep them guessing.
People like that.
They don't like the pressure ofbeing the subject of glimmerant
obsession.
That always goes wrong.
It's annoying.
Nobody wants that, so just holdback a little bit.
Nobody wants 100% of you andyou don't need 100% of anyone
else.
You're fascinated with anyoneand there are a lot of people
(44:38):
out there you could befascinated with.
Right now I only want people inmy circle who are 100% loyal.
I'm sensitive.
(44:58):
Right now my world is small.
I have my fantasy world, orit's good to be king.
I have a cheerleading squadthat wears my favorite color
combination.
It's always the home colors.
Because I don't go out, I stayhome.
I don't play the away gameanymore.
I used to be very gregarious.
Now I don't go outside it'spartly because I'm afraid I'm
(45:19):
also resentful.
I don't like people very much.
I don't like hanging out withmost of the people I do like and
I don't trust anyone, so I'mnot going to buy it that you're
100% on my side.
I don't really trust you, soit's okay if you're lying, but
make it convincing.
I need 100% loyal people whoare enthusiastic about what I do
.
If they're going to collaborate, it's going to be from the
(45:42):
place of being honored to workwith a genius Me, not a critical
place.
Enthusiasm about what we can dotogether.
You're not my client.
I don't get paid money to beyour friend.
Maybe I should.
Maybe I should raise the bar alittle bit more.
Right now I'm very sensitive.
I need kindness.
(46:03):
I've had the worst year of mylife.
I need kindness.
I want praise.
I want to be wanted.
I want to be loved.
I want to be seen andappreciated.
Maybe seen through rose-coloredglasses, the way that I see
most people through urine andfeces colored glasses.
I have the hex codes for thoseif you want them, point being if
(46:25):
you're not 100% down, if you'renot down to ride or die, just
die.
Get out of here, get out of myspace, I'm not interested.
Back off, thank you.
(47:10):
Nothing's more expensive thanpoverty.
(47:51):
Very few things cause thestress that money does and that
is by design.
That keeps us working, thatkeeps us under the boot heel,
that keeps us sucking up,because we don't want to know
how close we are to oblivion.
We don't want to get thatdesperation Speaking for myself.
I don't want to sell plasmaagain.
I first moved to Chicago.
(48:11):
It took me a minute to find ajob and while I was waiting I
went to sell some plasma and inthe plasma clinic, as I was
lying down with a needle in myarm getting drained, they
decided to screen MartinScorsese's action-packed medical
thriller Bringing Out the Deadand I thought this is the low
point in my life right now.
(48:32):
There will be more, there willbe worse.
Right now, this is delicious.
I haven't had to sell plasmasince then.
When I moved to Venice, after Ibounced out of my marriage and
got my own apartment by thebeach, my ex-wife never wanted
to live on the beach.
She thought it was cold and Ithought now I can do everything
(48:54):
that she didn't want to do, andhaving a place on the beach is a
requirement for being the mostdivorced man in Los Angeles, I
knew I was creating a challengefor myself.
It was going to be harder topay rent by myself.
Even a really bad marriage canbe an economic buffer.
There were times when my wifewas out of work.
There were times when I was outof work and we took care of
(49:14):
each other, and if we deeplyresented it and held each other
in contempt, there was materialsupport.
But now I was on my own and Icreated a challenge for myself
where I adopted a lifestyle thatwas a little bit more expensive
than I could afford, because Ibelieved then, and still do,
that if we create challenges forourselves that are a little bit
(49:35):
above what we know we'recapable of, we can summon up
capabilities that we didn't knowwe had and surprise ourselves
with our creativity, tenacityand shamelessness.
Los Angeles is famouslyexpensive and thus a wonderful
place to find those capacitiesin yourself.
I remember during my firstcouple weeks in Venice, I was
(49:58):
strolling on Oceanfront Walk andI saw a t-shirt for the rapper
Youngboy NBA, which stands forNever Broke Again, and I thought
that's almost me.
That's me.
I'm still a young boy and Iwill never be broke again.
Now I feel more like amiddle-aged boy and I know what
it's like to be broke again.
(50:18):
Divorce is expensive.
You get what you pay for.
Depression is expensive,poverty is expensive, self-pity
is expensive, resistance isexpensive.
Loneliness is expensive.
The more broke you are, themore expensive it is to keep
yourself alive.
Denial is expensive.
Denial is ruinously expensiveand we pay the price because we
(50:41):
don't want to know how close weare to oblivion.
We envy the rich not because wereally want to be rich ourselves
.
Most of us would screw it upand not be rich for very long.
Most of us would get cleanedout post-haste.
We'd be right back where westarted.
Maybe we kind of wanted that onsome subconscious level.
But we want to relate to richpeople because we don't want to
(51:02):
know how much closer we are tothe guy who's sleeping on
Oceanfront Walk than we are toElon Musk.
Jeff Bezos may as well live onanother planet and probably will
in the next couple of decades.
The guy on Oceanfront Walklives right out the door.
All it would take to run a badluck or just a few bad beats,
(51:23):
maybe a minor trauma and anunforced error or two is all it
would take for me to be there,to say nothing of you.
K-chung Los Angeles.
Emerson Dameron's MedicatedMinutes, la's number one
avant-garde personal developmentprogram.
1630 AM kchungradioorg firstWednesdays of the month, after
(51:46):
which it becomes the only goodpodcast.
Thank you.
(52:34):
I don't find it of particularvalue to inquire about what this
dream might mean.
Meaning it's overvalued dreammight mean meaning it's
overvalued.
It feels more useful for me tothink of it in terms of what is
this dream about?
Well, it's a story of living bymy wits, by not thinking, which
(52:57):
I'm able to do because I'mdissociated, having been cut off
from some of my higher thinkingcapabilities.
I'm not able to make decisionsas I usually would.
I'm not able to read the room,go with the group, I go with the
flow, but it's a flow thatdoesn't necessarily make sense
(53:18):
on its face, in fact leads mepersistently upstream and into
violent entanglements with otherdream characters.
It has some of thecharacteristics of a nightmare,
but, I believe, like most dreams, and especially nightmares, or
challenging dreams, if you wantto be euphemistic it is
(53:40):
obviously presented to me inservice to my health and it's
not here to tell me what Ialready know.
So what's the new information?
Well, clearly I'm afraid of myown power.
I don't typically think ofmyself as being invested with
that much power.
Sometimes I think that makes meunaware of some of the damage
(54:01):
that I can do.
It's easy for me to makeexcuses for seriously hurting
someone when I feel like I'm toosmall to really make a
difference positive or negativeand I've allowed myself to
neglect directing my power.
I've not confronted the ways inwhich I feel cut off from that,
(54:23):
in the ways that I typicallymake decisions or think that I'm
making decisions.
I believe and sense in real timethat I'm possessed of free will
.
Perhaps that is a convenientdelusion.
What it's about in relation tomy personal affairs is something
(54:44):
of a personal matter.
I have been through it in thelast few years, as many have.
We all bear our scars.
I feel like I've aged a coupleof decades in the last couple of
years.
My physical appearance remindsme of George W Bush at the end
of his second term, and I'mplanning to participate in a
(55:06):
men's retreat this summer.
Thrusting my crotch into theair will be of great service in
working out some of these issues, which are hard to talk about
in mixed company.
But it's interesting that, asconscious as I am of the sense
of physical and emotionaldeterioration that I've gone
(55:29):
through as a result of I don'tlike throwing around the word
trauma, but that's clearlywhat's going on in the dream, so
let's just own it.
I'm extremely powerful in thedream.
I'm almost a machine with noapparent moral compass that has
any effect on my actions, but Iretain a direct and intimate
(55:51):
connection with nature, which Ibelieve is something that goes
back to my childhood.
I spent a lot of time in thewoods.
The day that I stoppedbelieving in God, I went out
into the forest alone to hashthat out.
The first time I was dumped, Idid the same and I stayed there
for a number of days.
People were a bit concerned,but they knew that this was
(56:14):
something that I would probablydo and they were okay with it
and they had their own stuffgoing on.
I think that was around thetime when I looked at my parents
and I realized these people donot give a crap about me, I am
on my own, which is a conclusionthat I drew, perhaps too easily
(56:36):
that ended up extending to muchof the human race, I think.
Like most dreams, this one comespacked with layers of meaning,
and I think my enemies, the onesthat I choose, but particularly
the ones that choose me in theway that SeaTac does in the
dream, tell me a lot aboutmyself, that is, my
(56:59):
photo-negative side, negativeside, the corrupt, vindictive.
I'm not any of those things.
I have an honor code that is sospecific that even I am still
making sense of it, but I feelmyself living by it and living
best in dirt, very much at homewith my own natural capacity for
(57:21):
violence and with a dark energyliving through me, and I wreak
a lot of havoc on this town.
Now that I come away and Irealize that no one was harmed
outside of the dream world.
If I can get out of my own wayand out of my own ass and just
let this lightning live throughme, I feel much more adapted,
(57:46):
optimized, prepared for thetransition from comfort into
chaos that we all know is comingour way.
I'm deeply wounded.
While I'm certainly possessed ofa dark masculine energy, I'm
not directly conversant with iton an intellectual level,
language where I can make senseof it, I'm not sure what I
(58:09):
believe.
I just find myself acting on itin the dream and in real life I
tend to overthink things, theopposite side of the same issue.
I don't know what I want.
I'm not sure how to get it.
I think the message here is getout of your own way and let the
(58:29):
lightning live through you,which I'm sure is something I
can cultivate through certaindaily practices.
But I don't know where or if Ibelong.
There's a pervasive ambientparanoia, a sense of fear that
paradoxically drives me toactions that are generally
destructive and self-immolating.
(58:52):
I'm looking for someone, anally, who has left the building.
He's not going to help me.
That trained me up to thispoint where I have these
abilities on a level beyondunconscious competence, on that
paradise city level of just pureshine.
(59:14):
A dark light, it's true, ablack flame, and yet, and yet I
don't know who my people are,which raises the question.
My people are, which raises thequestion who's still here?
Is it some concept of nature,the wilderness itself?
Or do I have a friend somewherethat I'm discounting because of
my tendency to fixate on thesense of being under siege,
(59:37):
surrounded by hostile forces?
Do I know who my friends are?
Would I know, know?
Would I treat them accordingly?
These are not rhetoricalquestions, but this has been
Emerson Dameron's medicatedminutes.
Producer is Emerson Dameron,who's responsible for its
content in toto, but not whatyou might do as a reaction to
(59:59):
hearing it.
That's your business.
It's a production of K-Chungkchungradioorg.
Levity, combined with tenacityand the ability to get out of
your own way and let thelightning flow through you, will
save your life, if onlytemporarily.
(01:00:21):
It may endanger those aroundyou, which is why it's really
important to know who yourfriends are.
(01:00:56):
At first, I thought this wasseriously a setup To be
continued Steamy, dreamy and waytoo hot for radio.
Crimson Transgressions, abite-sized erotic thriller by
Emerson Dameron.
Find it before it finds you.
Yes, in the flesh, I love doing this show.
It keeps me off the streets.
I get to meet people like youfans, sometimes to a disturbing
extent, but that's okay.
That makes me feel good.
It gives me a chance topractice setting and enforcing
my boundaries.
I don't need to do that withyou, though.
You get it.
We bring out the best in eachother.
Yes, take a picture of us, postit, tag me.
(00:34):
This is pride by association.
I'm glad you love the show.
I'm glad you understand it.
It's complex.
Most people don't.
Satire at scale is bound to bebadly misinterpreted.
If you get it, I'm doingsomething right that makes
everything else worthwhile.
That makes me glad people don'tget it.
(00:55):
Bring it, bring me yourignorance.
I'll smoke it right in front ofyou.
I'm deeply wounded.
Scratch a cynic, you get awounded romantic.
I've had a lot of pain in mylife.
I've been hurt, betrayed.
That never goes away.
It still hurts when it rains,but I'm a lover, a fighter, and
I can keep a secret, can you?
(01:17):
I'm working on something new.
If you wanted to destroyeverything terrible in the world
, or just everything you don'tlike, how would you do it?
That's what I would havethought, as always, if you go
against consensus opinion andtransgress boundaries, shatter
taboos, you'll go into a newplace.
You'll come back changed.
(01:37):
I'm not ready to make thispublic yet, but I'm working on a
way to create profound chaos,destruction up to and including
total annihilation.
A certain combination of insightand compassion, kindness, meta
and vipassana.
They're back in town this time.
(01:59):
They're not screwing around.
It's called the Meta Bomb.
You're the first person I'vetold I'm still workshopping this
.
Let's kick some ideas around.
It's called the Meta Bomb.
You're the first person I'vetold I'm still workshopping this
.
Let's kick some ideas around.
You can come on to me if youwant.
I'll be flattered regardless.
It takes a lot to make me melt.
I'm curious about people, aboutthe world and you.
Let's laugh and learn together.
(02:20):
It's us against it.
You know what I don't have totell you.
We're connected.
You get it.
You might be clairvoyant andthat's rubbing off on me and I
like it.
I'm experiencing clairvoyanceby proxy.
It is a trip.
Whatever you're smoking, bringsome of that to our brainstorm.
We'll smoke and then smoke thecompetition.
(02:40):
They're getting smoked.
That's what's up.
Hell yeah, bring the noise,bring that special noise, the
good stuff, the vintage stuff.
You know what I'm talking about.
I use code and implication, andthere's a language developing
between us that's unique to us.
It's part of our K-Chung, losAngeles 1630 am.
(03:07):
Kchungradioorg.
On the World Wide Web, this isEmerson Dameron's Medicated
Minutes, la's number oneavant-garde personal development
program, home of Ask a Sadist,proudly sponsored by the First
Church of the Satanic Buddha,birthplace and habitat of
(03:29):
bite-sized erotic thrillers.
My name is Emerson Dameron.
I'm the writer, producer, hosteverything.
I love you personally.
Levity saves lives, thank you.
(04:12):
What do you really want?
Do you know?
How do you know?
That's not what someone elsewants for you.
We're hardwired to want what wethink the people around us want
, and it makes it hard to tellwhat you actually want.
If what you want isembarrassing, that's a good
indication.
I believe that it's legitimate.
But it could be money, power,sex, cocaine all wonderful
(04:36):
things very much worthy ofwanting.
In the end, nothing ever reallysatisfies, as the Buddhists
teach us.
And yet this life is all we get.
We seek pleasure the way plantsturn toward the sun.
We've got our hedonic treadmillpleasures.
The dopamine hits thecompulsions that resemble
(04:58):
addiction.
The work of a lifetime is tofind out what our real pleasures
are.
When we find them, indulge and,in the meantime, take whatever
is pleasure adjacent thathappens to be in front of us,
and love the one we're with andindulge.
As we learn from the Satanists,we hide and misunderstand our
(05:19):
true desires because they'reshameful.
I know what you want.
I know more about you than youknow about yourself.
You would be shocked.
I'm not going to tell you Rightnow.
It's still a hypothesis.
It may become a theory, but notif I taint the experiment by
biasing you one way or another.
Because you're going to try toimpress me, because you want me
(05:39):
to like you, because you have acrush on me, don't want to look
bad in my eyes.
You, because you have a crushon me, don't want to look bad in
my eyes.
But what you don't realize isthat that's what I'm into.
Debase yourself.
Tell me, what do you reallywant?
What's something you don't wantme to know that you want?
I believe that you really wantthat.
I don't believe that you don'twant me to know that you want
that.
Yeah, I want to see your faceturn pink when you tell me
(06:02):
that's sexy.
Why?
Because you know I can betrusted.
Hiding your true desires iskilling you inside and dying to
just share it with someone whomight understand or who could do
a really good job of busting it.
I have a guess.
I want to hear it from you.
I want to hear how you say it,the words you choose and how
(06:23):
much shame is in your voice.
That is all part of the program.
That is information I need forthe experiment.
What do you really want?
Happiness is knowing what youwant and how to get it.
Success is doing what you want,when you want, where you want,
with whom you want, how you want.
If you don't know what youreally want, it's going to be
difficult to do any of thosethings.
(06:45):
You're going to be pinballwizarding and I think you would
probably get what you wantanyway.
You've got it like that.
Don't sell yourself short.
But I know you're dying to tellme.
Let the denial fall away.
Relax.
It's going to feel so good ifyou've unburdened your soul and
shared with me what you reallyreally want.
(07:06):
Hit me, lay it on me.
What do you really really want?
Spice Girl, you're exhausting.
(07:28):
That's disappointing, confusing, destabilizes my reality, my
friendships are investments.
I don't want to back Aliza.
I believe in you.
There's a light on in theresomewhere, but you gotta get on
it.
Pay attention, get in the game.
Be dropping drinks it's notcool, but gotta get on it.
Pay attention, get in the game.
Could be dropping drinks.
It's not cool, I don't like.
(07:49):
It Makes me doubt my ownjudgement.
What's the quid pro quo?
Just your tit for my tat orvice versa?
That sounded dirty.
You probably enjoyed that.
I'm not a gutter dweller likeyou are.
I'm not a pervert.
I am, but I don't make itobvious like you do.
Let's talk turkey Hands off.
I have boundaries.
I have trouble trusting people.
My family weren't huggers.
(08:10):
They hugged stuffed animals.
Don't treat me like a stuffedanimal.
I'm a person.
Ask first, that's all I ask.
I might say yes, only one wayto find out.
What do you mean by riff andjazz cat or riff-raff, half of a
riffraff for the good half orthe bad half?
Just such a tragedy.
It's so confusing and raging.
It's a tragedy and it'sdisgusting.
(08:33):
God hurts my heart to be in thesame world as that.
You understand social dynamicsand psychology at a post-grad
level.
You should teach the class.
It's a seminar.
You'll be the one person thatgets rich off of teaching.
That's how brilliant you are.
You're insinuating.
I never would have brought thatup.
You brought it up.
You started this, you finishedit.
(08:54):
Say you're sorry.
Give me a real, authenticapology.
Explain what you did.
Show me that you understand theimpact and that you're going to
do better.
Specific Specificity killsambiguity.
If you're contrite, if you feelremorse, if you want to grow and
change, is it?
You don't?
If you're not, it's a grow orgo.
Your life's going to be boring.
If you think you're perfectright now, I don't know why we
(09:15):
keep hurting each other.
It didn't used to be like this.
As recently as 15 minutes ago,we were copacetic.
We were chemically compatible.
It's just the new relationship.
Energy wore off.
It was a fleeting honeymoon.
Where's the love?
Where is the magic we had?
It doesn't have to be like thatforever.
Make something new.
You don't have to let it dielike this, tragically,
(09:35):
humiliatingly for you.
A love like this cannot bewatered with golden showers
alone.
My friend, if you experiencelimerence, you know what that is
.
I'm in a rumination life spiral.
I'm taking control, firingmotherfuckers.
You don't threaten me.
People do the worst that youlet them get away with.
Oh god, it's just sopredictable at this point that
must be humiliating for you.
(09:56):
That's somebody who uh, really,what's their insecurity, block
any chance of intimacy orunderstanding.
That's the expression get outof your own way was created for
you.
Do you have data behind that?
I don't know if I agree withyou.
Who else?
Who would co-sign that you'venever done anything wrong?
You wouldn't know.
You're the only one who's beenthere for all of it.
What's your system of moralitybehind that?
(10:17):
Whose laws have you neverviolated?
What do you not transgress?
What's sacred to you?
Sacred or profane?
Pick one.
We can start with profane ifyou want.
That's more fun.
Sexy.
I want a new drug in the mannerof Huey Lewis in the news.
(10:38):
I don't want it to make me feellike I do when I'm in love,
because sometimes that feelsgreat and sometimes I feel
suicidal.
I don't want sex.
I do Not enough to make that mywish and my plan, because that
involves human intimacy andsomething's bound to go wrong.
You just can't plan for all thecontingencies when people are
(11:01):
involved.
I love sex.
When it comes to people, I haveserious questions.
So drugs it is.
That also is not necessarily afactor that can be controlled,
but in this case it is becauseI'm making my wish very specific
.
I'm wishing for a veryparticular new drug.
It can be anything.
It could be PCP crossed withMDMA, it could be psychedelic
(11:27):
toe venom, a beta blocker, or itcould be much stronger than
Viagra and turn sex into thetrue symphony of feel-good
chemicals and the exuberantcelebration of human creativity
and the peak of rip-roaringphysical comedy.
It was always meant to be.
(11:48):
I have a different experiencewith this drug than most people
do.
With most people it's a roll ofthe dice.
They don't know what they'regoing to get.
It makes the orgies veryinteresting.
If your regular Friday nightonce a month orgies become stale
, get a bag of these and it'sgoing to be much more
interesting.
However, it's a very differentexperience for me because I can
(12:11):
control the experience.
I can decide what the drug isgoing to do for me, and that's
because, prior to discoveringthis stuff, I have utterly
mastered meditation down acrossand around the world and in
circles around the moon.
I am one of the greatestpractitioners who ever lived and
(12:35):
as a living organism I'm betterthan the gods because I remain
a work in progress, a process ofbecoming, and the meditation
excellence is not the wish.
It's going to take a lot ofhard work, especially because I
have to front load it into thefirst few months of the year,
because I want to spend a lot oftime with this drug, and that's
not the wish itself, that'sjust something that has to
(12:57):
happen in order for this to work.
I am in complete control of thedrug experience, and so I can
have basically any drugexperience that I want, whenever
I want, and it doesn't matterhow expensive it is, because I
can pay for it.
That's another part of this.
I have all the money that Ineed.
(13:17):
Like most people, I wouldanticipate wanting more after I
have everything that I need.
That's not going to happen.
That's part of the plan.
If it does, I can take thisdrug.
This drug allows me to have anyexperience that I want and to
utterly master myself withouthaving to deal with other people
, without having to createconflict or issues in the world.
(13:41):
I know that it could be morecomplicated.
It doesn't matter if it'saddictive, by the way, because I
have all the money I need topay for it.
In that case, it involvessetting very clear intentions
for the experience.
I have a worksheet of numerousXX number of contingencies that
(14:02):
need to be planned out for everydose.
I can't just eyeball it.
I have a very sensitive scalethat I'm going to be using.
I have to get the good stuff,so it includes trusting a drug
dealer.
Trust is a leap of faith and itdoesn't you know.
If things go sideways a littlebit, there are things I can do
(14:24):
to bring myself back.
I can visualize having my feeton the ground Like it's.
One of the things that thisdrug can mimic is the experience
of early sobriety, the pinkcloud where it seems like
everything's going to be okayand this is the ultimate high
and you're very excited about it.
I can bring about that stateeven in times of turmoil, simply
(14:45):
through visualizing a veryspecific visualization.
I have affirmations that I canuse.
It is what it is.
You are loving, you are lovedand you're going to be okay.
Every day, in every way, I'mgetting better and better.
Also, fuck all y'all and someother stuff of that nature.
I can very carefully focus mybreathing.
(15:08):
There are a number of breathingexercises that I can do, which
I'm going to list here One, two,three.
I can activate my chakras,which I can do by breathing in a
certain way, and throughpractice of mindful masturbation
, where I can become the bestlover that I've ever had and
(15:30):
keep that entirely to myself,because the world does not
deserve that.
Yet gratitude.
Practice is important.
I may not be providing theshattering orgasms that I could.
The effects of this drug make mevery cognizant and aware of how
much generosity and kindnessand thoughtfulness and at least
(15:54):
courtesy and dignity to get outof other people's way, even if
we can't get out of our own,goes into every day of life.
I'm very grateful to GregLawrence, to Brandon Weatherby,
to Jennifer Kinsey and a bunchof other folks for very specific
reasons, because I don't wantthem to get their own idea.
And then I can wrap it up witha guided meditation about being
(16:18):
in total control of one'senvironment and purview, one
thing that has to be taken intoaccount with this or any other
pursuit of this nature.
What phase is the moon in Allimportant?
It drives people insane.
It brings the tides in and out.
It's something you can wish on.
Every time there's a super moonit changes up the rules on the
(16:42):
playlist that I've had goingback and forth.
So it's important to do thisvery interesting moon ceremony
that I'm going to create when Icreate the guided meditation.
So now I have a couple of newassignments for myself the
guided meditation for being incomplete control of myself and
this and everything else.
(17:03):
And a moon celebration Not evena meditation.
I don't think it's going to bea salute to the moon, honoring
the big guy in the sky.
Part of this, aside from havingpractice in completely
controlling my mind, is going tobe the practice of setting
(17:26):
intentions.
The dangerous thing about it is, once you have this capacity
and once you eventually realizeyou can do it without the drug,
you kind of have aresponsibility to create your
own experience.
If life is suffering, you can'tit without the drug.
You kind of have aresponsibility to create your
own experience.
If life is suffering, you can'treally let yourself get away
with that anymore.
You can also set other people'sexperience.
(17:48):
That's when it gets reallyexciting.
I don't have to worry aboutthat until 2025, if not 2026.
I'm kind of holding my cardsuntil I know that we're not
going to be living in adictatorship next year.
After that, who is to say Me?
I am, I control everything, myentire reality.
(18:34):
Is it more important to improveyourself from here on or to be
honest with yourself now aboutwhere you're at?
I would say that B is aprerequisite for A If you don't
know where North is you're goingto have a hard time actually
improving yourself.
So if you don't really want toimprove yourself but you want to
(18:54):
think that you're improvingyourselfy your own darker
proclivities but if you actuallywant to improve yourself, it's
a good idea to be aware of allof that stuff actively and cough
it up, preferably for anotherperson you can trust.
That's why in recovery groupspeople have sponsors.
(19:16):
That's why more and more peoplehave therapists.
It explains the tradition of theconfession booth.
There's tower and confession.
Confession is catharsis.
If you bring forth what iswithin you, what is within you
can save you.
If you do not bring forth whatis within you, what is within
you can destroy you.
(19:37):
It will eventually reflect inyour physical appearance.
As Camus said, over timeeveryone gets the face they
deserve.
If you do not bring forth whatis within you, you'll end up
looking perverse and distended,like a garbage pail kid.
Everybody's wondering what's upwith that.
In order to get away withsomething that even you would
(19:58):
agree is morally repugnant.
It helps if you can believeyour own BS.
It's not really a lie.
It doesn't feel like a lie ifyou believe it, but you never
quite convince yourself andyou'll end up like OJ Simpson,
just a miserable husk of whatyou once were corrupted by your
(20:20):
own dishonesty, disgusted withyourself and the world for doing
the thing and letting you getaway with it, respectively.
That's the power of confession.
Come on, I know you gotsomething juicy.
What do you want to tell me?
I can keep a secret, we'refriends.
I will take it to my grave.
I promise I can tell yousomething equally embarrassing
(20:41):
about me.
But you have to go first,because then I'll trust you.
Well, I know I'm trustworthy.
I don't know if you'retrustworthy, so you go first.
You've got more to prove.
If you're anything like mostpeople, you have a lot of
secrets.
Some of them are dark.
A lot of them are patheticsecrets.
Some of them are dark, a lot ofthem are pathetic.
You're hiding a monster in thebasement.
It could be a scary, dangerousmonster.
(21:08):
More likely, it's just a sillymonster with a lot of
insecurities, kind of a bigot,both paranoid and
extraordinarily gullible andterrible in a somewhat endearing
way.
That also in a way that willmake you wonder how you thought
so highly of this person.
Of course you've got to becareful about to whom you
confess.
There's a reason thattherapists are not allowed to
(21:30):
testify against you in courtunless it's absolutely necessary
.
Beware of confessing to anyonewho might betray you, which is
almost everyone you know.
So perhaps there's honor amongmonsters.
I always suspected that the dealwith Catholicism is that once
you convert, you can do anythingyou want, as long as you
confess and you get to be apious hypocrite about it, the
(21:52):
hat trick.
What I'm getting to is Come on,tell me I know you really want
to tell me.
Spit it out.
Just say it.
Doesn't that feel better?
I will respect your confidence.
Be really careful about whatyou ask the internet.
Assume that everything you typeis going to be public knowledge
and know that even if it's nottraceable to you, it can become
(22:15):
part of the public record.
Deeply pathetic and maybe kindof endearing.
At least you're not alone inyour garden variety scumminess,
thank you.
(23:23):
I feel worn out all the time.
If life feels empty andmeaningless, maybe it's talking
too much that's wearing you out.
Maybe you need to shut up.
I say that with all love in myheart.
Maybe you want to shut up.
Maybe that's what's keeping youfrom crossing the line from
good to great.
You should at least try it.
Shut up.
(23:43):
There's too much noisepollution around.
I would know I was a chatterboxwhen I was a kid.
I was skinny, I was loud, I waslike a little bouncing skeleton
marionette.
I made my own music.
I never stopped talking aboutthe things that were interesting
to me or which were notinteresting to others.
I did not manage to get a lotof people interested in those
(24:04):
things, but I went on to starttalking about them and then I
hit puberty.
My voice dropped conspicuously.
I got braces.
My teeth were pretty fucked upwhen I was in my chatterbox
years.
When I had the braces it wasserious business.
I had metal in mouth and I wascutting the insides of my mouth.
My mouth soared.
Aside from not wanting to talkbecause my voice sounded weird,
I wasn't thinking about anythingexcept sex.
(24:26):
I was covered with acne.
I was certainly becoming anintrovert.
I was an introvert for a longtime.
That's kind of when I learnedthat it can be sad and
frustrating to be alone, to feellike you can't communicate, to
feel like you're not heard, tofeel like you're shouting into
the void and but but, and youlearn a lot from shutting the
fuck up for a while.
(24:46):
Embracing introversion is alifestyle, and that's how I
started reading and developedsome interesting hobbies and
figured out who some of myfriends are, and now I'm kind of
in the happy medium.
I can talk up a storm when I'mdoing my radio show.
I am the number one avant-gardemotivational speaker in Los
Angeles.
I'm changing lives, one at atime, sometimes many at a time.
(25:09):
I don't know how many ticketswe sell.
And that's all because I wasable to shut the fuck up.
And I just shut the fuck uphardcore for a while, and now I
can just do it by choice when Iwant, and you should follow my
lead.
Shut the fuck up, try it.
Okay, let's get into it.
Why?
Why should you shut the fuck up?
I feel some resistance.
Listen to the things that yousay and from that, yeah, if you
(25:30):
get a tape recorder, transcribeit, or just stop when you're
talking and pay attention to thewords that are coming out of
your mouth, that you're fillingthe air with.
What the hell are you talkingabout?
What is the point of this?
Does this mean anything?
Do you believe any of thisstuff?
Why do you say the things thatyou say?
Think about that in some depthand look for patterns.
(25:53):
What are your can-stop phrasesthat let the world know and let
you know that you can shut downbecause you're not invested
anymore.
You don't care, you're notreally communicating, you're
just talking to talk from thefear of shutting up.
Why are we afraid to shut up?
Well, they say, a closed mouthdon't get fed, and that could be
(26:14):
true initially and you mighthave to get your own food.
You might have to figure outhow to be worthy of attention,
to earn your self-esteem, tohave something to talk about,
and get out there and live.
And that's scary.
It's easier to talk than it isto really take risks, but once
you start taking risks it gets alittle easier.
And when you get over the fearof shutting up or just accept it
(26:36):
and shut the fuck up anyway,you'll find that your threshold
increases and you can do a lotof things you weren't able to do
before.
But you probably need a plan ifyou're anything like me, you
are what you do every day, soshut up every day as much as
possible.
Large blocks of time, hours outof the day, resolve to not say
anything unless it's truly anemergency.
(26:58):
Immerse yourself pretty hard atfirst.
Go all the way in.
Do a silent meditation retreatif you can.
I got a scholarship into one.
It can be done.
They're prohibitively expensive, but don't let that stop you.
If you learn to shut up, youcan make a lot of money off of
it.
Time as an introvert will teachyou the greatest lessons of your
life.
You'll become moreself-sufficient.
You'll achieve Pascal's thing.
(27:20):
He had a quote the reasonpeople can't be happy is they
can't spend time alone in roomswith themselves.
You will be able to do that andthen if you can make it there,
you can make it anywhere.
If you can meet yourself headon and realize all of the noble
truths for yourself throughdirect experience.
You're still going to haveproblems, maybe better ones,
(27:45):
different ones, higher qualityones, the problems you deserve.
The only problem with problemsis we think we're not supposed
to have them, so go get somebetter ones.
You can do that by shutting up,which inevitably leads to paying
attention.
When you are able to shut upand stop babbling, you need
something else to do with yourbrain, and that's how you
cultivate strength.
You become stoic when you don'thave to talk anymore.
You're like Polly Goodfellasyou move slow because you don't
have to move for anyone.
You connect better with otherpeople because you're paying
(28:06):
attention to other people'sexperience and what's really
going on around you.
You have something interestingto say about what's going on and
to people in your orbit.
You develop self-compassion.
You get a hold of your emotions, your feelings, learn to manage
them and be present and strongfor others.
Back to the closed mouth don'tget fed thing when you become
(28:27):
silent, but you areparticipating.
Both can be done.
Culture is not your friend.
You have to participate anyway.
You can find ways to do thatthat don't involve just talk,
talk, talking.
This show is a lot of talking.
I do a lot of talking, so do alot of doing that goes on behind
the scenes.
People that know about thatappreciate it and everything I
want from those people, I makethem do my bidding, and that's
(28:49):
all because I figured out how toshut the fuck up and that's how
I create supportiverelationships and I'm not
constantly sweet-talking peopletrying to get them on my side.
The words are my stock in tradeand when the time comes, I
admit to my observations and Ihave some interesting things to
say to you about yourself, yourvery favorite topic, and you may
end up thinking I know youbetter than you know you, but
(29:11):
really it's just because I'mpaying attention.
All this stuff is right outthere on the table.
You can find it.
Just take action.
Shut the fuck up, pay.
This stuff is right out thereon the table.
You can find it.
Just take action, shut the fuckup.
Pay attention.
Try really shutting the fuck upfor weeks at a time and when
you have something to say, writeit down.
If it's important, later, sayit.
If not, forget it.
Most of the stuff we think aboutdoesn't last in terms of
relevance.
When you have to deal withsetbacks, when you put your foot
(29:35):
in your mouth maybe you're notused to running your mouth all
the time.
When you do it's awkward, yousay the wrong thing, that's okay
.
You don't have to immediatelystart correcting for it.
You just let it pass.
You laugh, you learn, you love,you get paid a whole lot
because most people rat jackthemselves by running their
mouths and talking past the saleand saying too much.
And you're not going to have toworry about that anymore.
(29:56):
You're going to know when toshut up, which is right now, or
it was five minutes ago, butright now is also good.
Together we can start combatingall this noise pollution, all
this wasted thought, wasted time, not even fake intimacy, like
we're not even fucking trying.
It has nothing to do withintimacy, intimacy or bust.
Find your real people.
(30:18):
Find the others, the people whoyou can communicate with on
that other level, where youcommunicate without even having
to talk.
And then, when you do starttalking, watch out, you're going
to be finishing and startingeach other's sentences and
drinking each other's bodilyfluids.
All you have to do first isfigure out how to deliberately,
conclusively, as a habit, as alifestyle, because you love it,
(30:41):
because out of respect to thepeople around you, out of love
for yourself, out of desire toknow, as part of your quest for
self-realization, something youdo every day, and then keep
doing it and doing it and doingit.
It's a daily practice andanything that you make a daily
practice is bound to make yourlife more interesting.
It's psychedelic.
It'll make crazy dreams.
It'll get into your dreams.
(31:01):
Not even silence, room tone,white noise.
You will teach yourself,celebrate yourself, you will
honor yourself.
It will be your form ofmasturbation and prayer, just to
shut the fuck up.
Nobody cares.
You don't have to sayeverything, nobody cares.
You don't have to sayeverything, especially not about
(31:23):
yourself.
Shut up every once in a whileGet a system if it helps.
Deep in the shallowness of thehalf-bad old drizzling rambus
times of hammocks strung betweenflagpoles, a mother swaddled
(31:48):
her daughter in an Algerianthrow rug and together they
escaped the appalling drawlingdrone of the paranoid priest and
potentate in the den of thecraven clack-clack-clacking of
motorized dentures.
Imagine life in a lush,gurgling paradise, in a buoyant
harmony with itself, whereeveryone has everything they
(32:09):
need to thrive, evolve and notscrew it up for everyone else.
A world free of mortal terrorand its attendant acts of evil
and self-immolating madness.
Look, the party's over.
The cocaine is all gone.
Earth has been trying to kickus out for hours.
Human consciousness itself ishell.
So choose the optimalexistential exit strategy
voluntary human extinction andcure the human condition for
(32:32):
good.
Historically, I have a definite,measurable pattern of
attracting romantic partnersGerman-engineered to make me
(32:52):
miserable.
They don't do that.
Only I can make me miserable.
But I find partners that canhelp facilitate that because
they are specifically selectedby me, subconsciously, by virtue
of their ability to hit mewhere it hurts, to perhaps talk
me off of the ledge, but alsotalk me off of the pedestal,
bring me down to earth, bring meway, way down where I have to
(33:15):
dig through the dirt to dealwith all of my worst qualities.
I have an image in my mind of mytype Not a blonde with freckles
and really good at sucking dick.
I mean someone who is my idealpartner.
In that I feel like she's theyin to my yang, the masculine to
my feminine.
(33:35):
My completion meaning embodiesall of the elements that I deny
in myself Things that are partof me I wouldn't perceive them
if they weren't part of me butthings that I'm not comfortable
owning myself and that willprobably continue until I make
the unconscious conscious.
It will rule my life and I'llcall it fate.
(33:56):
So I end up with people who arevery willful, people who are
stubborn, won't do what I tellthem, and that's, of course, my
weird relationship with myselfNot following through on things
I promise myself.
Really trusting myself, patternof self-sabotage All of these
things are certainly very muchin effect when it comes time to
(34:18):
hit the dating scene.
What do I want?
My ideal relationship?
Someone submissive but notservile.
Someone who's powerful in theworld breaks down for me because
I give her a place to do that.
So I want to be a certain kindof person.
I can have that certain kind ofpartnership, I should probably
go about making myself that guy.
(34:38):
That's a lifelong process.
I'm always going to be gettingbetter.
What are my strengths right now?
Well, I've been through thefire over the last few years.
I'm able to tell my storybecause I'm still here.
I think my personality haschanged somewhat.
I'm a little bit moredeliberate with setting
boundaries.
I don't expect people to justgo along with them, I expect
(35:00):
confrontation.
I'm prepared for it.
I know that.
I know what's right for me.
I can figure it out.
I know better than you do,because I'm the person who's
really rooting for me, and so itreally is up to me.
That part, the part that takescare of the part that is
definable as Emerson Dameron,that's my responsibility.
So that needs to be job numberone.
(35:20):
You always come second to that.
That's new for me.
I used to put people first.
I used to get women who, atsome level, would want to be put
first.
That's what they would tell thefeminist book club and that
might be what they believeconsciously, but in reality they
wanted to be dominated.
Some of them seemed to want tobe put in the hospital.
I couldn't deliver that.
In the long run.
(35:40):
I got pushed around and stoppedcaring, started thinking
outside of the relationshipbecause it was too frustrating.
She wasn't submitting.
I didn't know how to make herdo that.
I didn't know she wanted me tomake her do that Frustrating
stuff.
My ideal relationship would looklike I mean, right now I don't
want one.
I don't want a serious one.
I don't know if I'm going towant one at all.
(36:01):
I want someone who's not goingto send me back years of working
on myself, somebody whofacilitates my personal growth,
somebody who's rooting for me,believes in me.
Nasty whore in bed,compassionate, kind, artistic,
creative, imaginative, verbal,adept with language.
A reader would be nice.
Yeah, I think that's probablyrequired.
And somebody who gets me a fan,somebody who digs what I do,
(36:24):
picks up what I'm laying down,picks up my gems, knows how to
find my good stuff and pushes meto lean into my edge to double
down on the things that areweird and uncomfortable, because
for me that's where the gloryis, that's where the action is.
Keeps me in the moment becausethe action is right here.
He knows I'm always going tohave this depression going on.
(36:48):
That's something I have to workwith, work around that I'm
probably never going to get ridof and he's willing to help me
out, knows she can expect somemore in return.
Very transparent, honest, deep.
Tells me things no one elseknows.
Previously unreleased sexualfantasies are really the ball
Anything along those linesbecause then I know I am able to
step in, step up, stand out andshe needs me.
(37:26):
I don't think that life getsbetter at this point.
It can.
It can get better, it can getsignificantly better only if you
allow yourself to believepreferably with delusional,
excessive optimism, optimismthat it can.
But my point of view is that Ido myself no favors by
(37:48):
pretending I am not against longodds.
I am so tired.
It can be done.
It's rare and thus remarkable.
You hear about it when ithappens because it doesn't
happen.
Most of the time it's a manbites dog.
Man in his 40s still has goodtimes ahead of him.
His best opportunities have notyet been wasted and squandered
(38:08):
with everything else that he hadin the way of opportunities or
love.
It's not all gone.
If you believe that it's not,maybe it's not.
If you think that all is lost,it probably is.
You will be in dire straits ifyou sacrifice that one sliver of
hope that keeps you moving.
I am not good at lying tomyself from the way that I do
(38:30):
things.
I want to know what the oddsare, and the odds aren't good.
I'm probably done with thebetter part of my life.
I sort of hope I don't knowthat I want what comes after
this.
I know that I'm too tired to dothe kind of scrambling it would
take to make anything of this,this mess that I made when I get
(38:50):
home.
If I get home, that's a big if.
The if is big because it's ahigh probability that it will
happen.
The expectation that it willprove to be a yes and to have
been a win.
Chilling in Schroeder's box,living off of raw cat meat, or
was it?
It's gonna be fine.
(39:11):
This is the hard part, not thelast hard thing.
Statement of fact as joke.
Hell to the fuck.
Yeah, don't overthink it.
(39:44):
Approach with confidence, beyourself or someone like you.
Craft a persona perhaps.
If that makes you feel a littlebit of detachment, then you
want the same fear of rejection,because it's really not you
getting rejected.
It would be if you werevulnerable like an idiot that
you'd be putting it all on theline, you would be getting
(40:04):
sucked in, whereas if you'replaying a character, there's
some distance and you can usethat.
If they reject the character,you can always create a
different one.
If you're trying to beauthentic, good luck.
Nobody's authentic.
People put on a show for eachother, manipulate each other all
the time.
That's how social dynamics work.
(40:25):
It's the dance, it's theater,and once you see that, it gives
you superpowers.
You cannot see it, nor wouldyou want to, because you can win
games of chess on the otherside of the earth just with your
mind.
You can refreeze icebergs andbring penguins back to life, but
we're getting ahead ofourselves.
These icebergs and bringpenguins back to life, but we're
(40:47):
getting ahead of ourselves.
Just approach, introduceyourself, make an observation,
communicate some interest,without laying it on too thick
or being needy or creepy, andeverything will go fine, as long
as you do everything correctly.
And when it's time to keepgoing, just continue to exhibit
your natural confidence.
Just imagine, before you go out,do some affirmations in the
(41:07):
mirror.
Just imagine, as you're walkingthrough the city, a building
that gets on your nerves yeah,you just swing it and wreck it,
and that's how it goes.
You create your own reality.
You understand power, youunderstand the dance, you know
how it works.
You couldn't go back and youwouldn't.
Now you have someresponsibility to create your
(41:29):
own reality and make it the kindof reality you want to live in
and have overnight guests insometimes, or maybe you'll kick
them out before they go to sleep, or you could play the away
game.
That's better.
You get a look at how otherpeople live and that will
improve your main skill justbeing genuinely curious about
other people.
(41:49):
Have your own passions, haveyour opinions, be willing to
plant a flag, know who you are,know what you like and what you
don't like, and let people knowthat.
Be a little bit selfish.
If you're not a little bitselfish, we don't know who you
are and we can't trust you.
But be curious about aboutother people.
Listen actively in a detachedway, which you can learn through
meditation, where you don't getcaught up in the story.
(42:09):
You're able to see the worldthrough perspectives other than
your own, which is another nicething about the fact that you're
playing a character.
See how other people areplaying characters too and
perhaps get a glimpse of wherethat connects with their
authentic selves.
Whatever they think that isthere is.
No, we don't have a heart ofhearts.
(42:31):
We just are who we are inrelation to other people.
Narcissism is thinking thatyou're so special that there's a
part of you that is notrevealed in your social
interactions.
Those are all you are.
You are what you do and you arehow you relate to other people,
and that's it.
You don't have a heart ofhearts.
There is no real you.
(42:51):
So you might as well getcurious about other people, get
fascinated, be passionate aboutyour own interests.
Again, people will get hookedon that and a little friction
and disagreement goes a long waytoward explosive hate.
Sex Friction is important.
Polarity is important.
Difference should be emphasized.
(43:12):
Anger is a catalyst for passion.
People are afraid of conflict.
Without conflict, theirrelationship dies.
It's a mix of conflict andcomfort.
You need to have both.
Conflict is the one that peopleare afraid of.
It is misunderstood.
So become a master of that.
Don't be afraid to be a littlebit abrasive and aggressive, but
(43:32):
also be fascinated withwhoever's in front of you.
Just really get to know thatperson inside and out in a way
that perhaps they don't knowthemselves.
Don't let them know that.
Don't let them know that.
Don't let them know that you'reinterested.
You can communicate a littlebit of interest and also be
willing to talk about sex andlet it be known that you're a
(43:55):
sexual being and that's howyou're presenting yourself,
because this is a sex thing andrelationships start with sex.
Sex starts with a blowjob.
Love comes later, once youreally get to know each other,
which can best be done throughwild, brutal, mutually degrading
sex.
But don't act fascinated.
Be fascinated, but then pullback a little bit.
(44:17):
Keep them guessing.
People like that.
They don't like the pressure ofbeing the subject of glimmerant
obsession.
That always goes wrong.
It's annoying.
Nobody wants that, so just holdback a little bit.
Nobody wants 100% of you andyou don't need 100% of anyone
else.
You're fascinated with anyoneand there are a lot of people
(44:38):
out there you could befascinated with.
Right now I only want people inmy circle who are 100% loyal.
I'm sensitive.
(44:58):
Right now my world is small.
I have my fantasy world, orit's good to be king.
I have a cheerleading squadthat wears my favorite color
combination.
It's always the home colors.
Because I don't go out, I stayhome.
I don't play the away gameanymore.
I used to be very gregarious.
Now I don't go outside it'spartly because I'm afraid I'm
(45:19):
also resentful.
I don't like people very much.
I don't like hanging out withmost of the people I do like and
I don't trust anyone, so I'mnot going to buy it that you're
100% on my side.
I don't really trust you, soit's okay if you're lying, but
make it convincing.
I need 100% loyal people whoare enthusiastic about what I do
.
If they're going to collaborate, it's going to be from the
(45:42):
place of being honored to workwith a genius Me, not a critical
place.
Enthusiasm about what we can dotogether.
You're not my client.
I don't get paid money to beyour friend.
Maybe I should.
Maybe I should raise the bar alittle bit more.
Right now I'm very sensitive.
I need kindness.
(46:03):
I've had the worst year of mylife.
I need kindness.
I want praise.
I want to be wanted.
I want to be loved.
I want to be seen andappreciated.
Maybe seen through rose-coloredglasses, the way that I see
most people through urine andfeces colored glasses.
I have the hex codes for thoseif you want them, point being if
(46:25):
you're not 100% down, if you'renot down to ride or die, just
die.
Get out of here, get out of myspace, I'm not interested.
Back off, thank you.
(47:10):
Nothing's more expensive thanpoverty.
(47:51):
Very few things cause thestress that money does and that
is by design.
That keeps us working, thatkeeps us under the boot heel,
that keeps us sucking up,because we don't want to know
how close we are to oblivion.
We don't want to get thatdesperation Speaking for myself.
I don't want to sell plasmaagain.
I first moved to Chicago.
(48:11):
It took me a minute to find ajob and while I was waiting I
went to sell some plasma and inthe plasma clinic, as I was
lying down with a needle in myarm getting drained, they
decided to screen MartinScorsese's action-packed medical
thriller Bringing Out the Deadand I thought this is the low
point in my life right now.
(48:32):
There will be more, there willbe worse.
Right now, this is delicious.
I haven't had to sell plasmasince then.
When I moved to Venice, after Ibounced out of my marriage and
got my own apartment by thebeach, my ex-wife never wanted
to live on the beach.
She thought it was cold and Ithought now I can do everything
(48:54):
that she didn't want to do, andhaving a place on the beach is a
requirement for being the mostdivorced man in Los Angeles, I
knew I was creating a challengefor myself.
It was going to be harder topay rent by myself.
Even a really bad marriage canbe an economic buffer.
There were times when my wifewas out of work.
There were times when I was outof work and we took care of
(49:14):
each other, and if we deeplyresented it and held each other
in contempt, there was materialsupport.
But now I was on my own and Icreated a challenge for myself
where I adopted a lifestyle thatwas a little bit more expensive
than I could afford, because Ibelieved then, and still do,
that if we create challenges forourselves that are a little bit
(49:35):
above what we know we'recapable of, we can summon up
capabilities that we didn't knowwe had and surprise ourselves
with our creativity, tenacityand shamelessness.
Los Angeles is famouslyexpensive and thus a wonderful
place to find those capacitiesin yourself.
I remember during my firstcouple weeks in Venice, I was
(49:58):
strolling on Oceanfront Walk andI saw a t-shirt for the rapper
Youngboy NBA, which stands forNever Broke Again, and I thought
that's almost me.
That's me.
I'm still a young boy and Iwill never be broke again.
Now I feel more like amiddle-aged boy and I know what
it's like to be broke again.
(50:18):
Divorce is expensive.
You get what you pay for.
Depression is expensive,poverty is expensive, self-pity
is expensive, resistance isexpensive.
Loneliness is expensive.
The more broke you are, themore expensive it is to keep
yourself alive.
Denial is expensive.
Denial is ruinously expensiveand we pay the price because we
(50:41):
don't want to know how close weare to oblivion.
We envy the rich not because wereally want to be rich ourselves
.
Most of us would screw it upand not be rich for very long.
Most of us would get cleanedout post-haste.
We'd be right back where westarted.
Maybe we kind of wanted that onsome subconscious level.
But we want to relate to richpeople because we don't want to
(51:02):
know how much closer we are tothe guy who's sleeping on
Oceanfront Walk than we are toElon Musk.
Jeff Bezos may as well live onanother planet and probably will
in the next couple of decades.
The guy on Oceanfront Walklives right out the door.
All it would take to run a badluck or just a few bad beats,
(51:23):
maybe a minor trauma and anunforced error or two is all it
would take for me to be there,to say nothing of you.
K-chung Los Angeles.
Emerson Dameron's MedicatedMinutes, la's number one
avant-garde personal developmentprogram.
1630 AM kchungradioorg firstWednesdays of the month, after
(51:46):
which it becomes the only goodpodcast.
Thank you.
(52:34):
I don't find it of particularvalue to inquire about what this
dream might mean.
Meaning it's overvalued dreammight mean meaning it's
overvalued.
It feels more useful for me tothink of it in terms of what is
this dream about?
Well, it's a story of living bymy wits, by not thinking, which
(52:57):
I'm able to do because I'mdissociated, having been cut off
from some of my higher thinkingcapabilities.
I'm not able to make decisionsas I usually would.
I'm not able to read the room,go with the group, I go with the
flow, but it's a flow thatdoesn't necessarily make sense
(53:18):
on its face, in fact leads mepersistently upstream and into
violent entanglements with otherdream characters.
It has some of thecharacteristics of a nightmare,
but, I believe, like most dreams, and especially nightmares, or
challenging dreams, if you wantto be euphemistic it is
(53:40):
obviously presented to me inservice to my health and it's
not here to tell me what Ialready know.
So what's the new information?
Well, clearly I'm afraid of myown power.
I don't typically think ofmyself as being invested with
that much power.
Sometimes I think that makes meunaware of some of the damage
(54:01):
that I can do.
It's easy for me to makeexcuses for seriously hurting
someone when I feel like I'm toosmall to really make a
difference positive or negativeand I've allowed myself to
neglect directing my power.
I've not confronted the ways inwhich I feel cut off from that,
(54:23):
in the ways that I typicallymake decisions or think that I'm
making decisions.
I believe and sense in real timethat I'm possessed of free will
.
Perhaps that is a convenientdelusion.
What it's about in relation tomy personal affairs is something
(54:44):
of a personal matter.
I have been through it in thelast few years, as many have.
We all bear our scars.
I feel like I've aged a coupleof decades in the last couple of
years.
My physical appearance remindsme of George W Bush at the end
of his second term, and I'mplanning to participate in a
(55:06):
men's retreat this summer.
Thrusting my crotch into theair will be of great service in
working out some of these issues, which are hard to talk about
in mixed company.
But it's interesting that, asconscious as I am of the sense
of physical and emotionaldeterioration that I've gone
(55:29):
through as a result of I don'tlike throwing around the word
trauma, but that's clearlywhat's going on in the dream, so
let's just own it.
I'm extremely powerful in thedream.
I'm almost a machine with noapparent moral compass that has
any effect on my actions, but Iretain a direct and intimate
(55:51):
connection with nature, which Ibelieve is something that goes
back to my childhood.
I spent a lot of time in thewoods.
The day that I stoppedbelieving in God, I went out
into the forest alone to hashthat out.
The first time I was dumped, Idid the same and I stayed there
for a number of days.
People were a bit concerned,but they knew that this was
(56:14):
something that I would probablydo and they were okay with it
and they had their own stuffgoing on.
I think that was around thetime when I looked at my parents
and I realized these people donot give a crap about me, I am
on my own, which is a conclusionthat I drew, perhaps too easily
(56:36):
that ended up extending to muchof the human race, I think.
Like most dreams, this one comespacked with layers of meaning,
and I think my enemies, the onesthat I choose, but particularly
the ones that choose me in theway that SeaTac does in the
dream, tell me a lot aboutmyself, that is, my
(56:59):
photo-negative side, negativeside, the corrupt, vindictive.
I'm not any of those things.
I have an honor code that is sospecific that even I am still
making sense of it, but I feelmyself living by it and living
best in dirt, very much at homewith my own natural capacity for
(57:21):
violence and with a dark energyliving through me, and I wreak
a lot of havoc on this town.
Now that I come away and Irealize that no one was harmed
outside of the dream world.
If I can get out of my own wayand out of my own ass and just
let this lightning live throughme, I feel much more adapted,
(57:46):
optimized, prepared for thetransition from comfort into
chaos that we all know is comingour way.
I'm deeply wounded.
While I'm certainly possessed ofa dark masculine energy, I'm
not directly conversant with iton an intellectual level,
language where I can make senseof it, I'm not sure what I
(58:09):
believe.
I just find myself acting on itin the dream and in real life I
tend to overthink things, theopposite side of the same issue.
I don't know what I want.
I'm not sure how to get it.
I think the message here is getout of your own way and let the
(58:29):
lightning live through you,which I'm sure is something I
can cultivate through certaindaily practices.
But I don't know where or if Ibelong.
There's a pervasive ambientparanoia, a sense of fear that
paradoxically drives me toactions that are generally
destructive and self-immolating.
(58:52):
I'm looking for someone, anally, who has left the building.
He's not going to help me.
That trained me up to thispoint where I have these
abilities on a level beyondunconscious competence, on that
paradise city level of just pureshine.
(59:14):
A dark light, it's true, ablack flame, and yet, and yet I
don't know who my people are,which raises the question.
My people are, which raises thequestion who's still here?
Is it some concept of nature,the wilderness itself?
Or do I have a friend somewherethat I'm discounting because of
my tendency to fixate on thesense of being under siege,
(59:37):
surrounded by hostile forces?
Do I know who my friends are?
Would I know, know?
Would I treat them accordingly?
These are not rhetoricalquestions, but this has been
Emerson Dameron's medicatedminutes.
Producer is Emerson Dameron,who's responsible for its
content in toto, but not whatyou might do as a reaction to
(59:59):
hearing it.
That's your business.
It's a production of K-Chungkchungradioorg.
Levity, combined with tenacityand the ability to get out of
your own way and let thelightning flow through you, will
save your life, if onlytemporarily.
(01:00:21):
It may endanger those aroundyou, which is why it's really
important to know who yourfriends are.
(01:00:56):
At first, I thought this wasseriously a setup To be
continued Steamy, dreamy and waytoo hot for radio.
Crimson Transgressions, abite-sized erotic thriller by
Emerson Dameron.
Find it before it finds you.
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