November 3, 2023 • 28 mins
In this episode, I am honored to have Keri Cooper on the show. Keri is a licensed clinical social worker with a passion for holistic psychotherapy for children and adolescents. During our discussion Keri shares her insights on the unique challenges faced by midlife parents of adolescents and emerging adults, and how a holistic approach can be beneficial in meeting these challenges. We also discuss the importance of helping children develop coping skills and emotional well-being and how parents can navigate situations where their children might resist holistic approaches. Keri also discusses the balance between personal growth and parenting responsibilities during midlife. Next, we discuss the role of nutrition in the emotional health of ourselves and our family members. Keri provides practical advice on simple nutritional changes that can positively impact the emotional well-being of our adolescent emerging adult children. We also explore the importance of communication and connection between parents and their adolescent and emerging adult children, with Keri offering strategies to maintain strong relationships during this transitional phase. It is a great conversation for us midlfers seeking to support our children’s emotional health and foster a strong parent-child connection during the challenging phase of adolescence and emerging adulthood.
Resources from this episode:
Keri's Website: kericooperholistictherapy.com
Mental Health Uncensored, Book By Keri Cooper
Mental Health Uncensored Teen Workbook By Keri Cooper
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
No, and we'll get going.
So joining us today is CaryCooper, a licensed clinical
social worker specializing inholistic psychotherapy for
adolescents and children.
With extensive experience inhelping teens navigate stress,
anxiety, depression and ADHD,cary takes an integrated,
solution-focused approach toempower young individuals with
(00:21):
the tools they need for awell-rounded and resilient life.
I love it, cary.
Does that sound accurate to you?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Yes, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Well then, welcome to the show, Cary.
So glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So glad to be here.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Awesome.
So could you give us a littlebackground, personal background,
and tell us how you getinterested in today's topics?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Sure.
So I always loved talking topeople from a very young age and
I actually always knew prettyearly on that I wanted to be a
therapist, so I pursued it.
Very traditional approach I gotmy master's from UPenn dove
right in, always was workingwith children and adolescents.
But when I was working withthem I was in all different
(01:03):
settings, huge clinical teamsand I was like they're getting
better, but not 100%.
What are we missing here?
And it wasn't until I had myown children.
I have four kids, but one of mykids really taught me
everything.
Her behavior as a toddler wasjust really extreme and we
didn't realize until later onthat she has a dairy intolerance
(01:24):
.
And when she eats dairy, she'snot okay.
And it made me start thinkinglike, wait a second, what's
going on with food and mentalhealth?
And I actually went back toschool to get certified as a
health coach and I reallystarted learning how much what
we're eating is impacting howwe're feeling, not just from a
(01:46):
food intolerance perspectiveeven though that is a whole
conversation but really just weneed nutrients.
Our gut health is so importantand now now we're starting to
see a lot of research actuallyin gut health and now we're
starting to see it slowly getincorporated into the mental
health world.
But when I started off doingthis 10 years ago with the
(02:06):
holistic approach, nobody elsewas doing it.
So I take a very holisticapproach and that's why I wrote
my book as well, because Ireally need people to see it's
not just the mental aspect, it'sthe physical aspect as well.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, that's a really cool angle on it.
Like you said, the holisticperspective is just a great way
to look at it.
That you know, kind of outsideof the box, but really based on
our science that we're gettingto know, isn't it?
So can you talk a little bitabout some of the primary
challenges you see midlifeparents have with adolescents
and and emerging adults even?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Yeah, I mean there's so many.
Yeah, there is.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
This could be, you know, a mini series, but you
know, what do you see as some ofthe primary ones in your
practice?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Parenting is not easy .
No, it just isn't, andeverybody needs to realize that
all parents are strugglingbecause we're trying to do the
right thing.
It is hard, it's just hard.
So I, I one, want parents torealize that nobody has it
figured out not me, not nobody.
We're all trying our best andthis is just, you know, guidance
(03:13):
on how you can try to do evenbetter.
But I think one of the thingsthat parents don't always look
at is just coming back to thebasics.
You know, we're so concernedabout the bigger picture and, oh
, do they have a collegecounselor and you know tutors
for this class and that class.
But let's get back and say arethey hydrated?
Mm, hmm.
Are your kids drinking water?
(03:34):
Which?
Is so important in terms oftheir focus and, you know,
detoxing and keeping cellshealthy.
So I think that it's the basicsthat the parents are really
forgetting at this point,because they're just so
overwhelmed with everything elsethey need to do, and it's your
constant feeling of having tokeep up with the Joneses you
(03:54):
know, and I think that's makinga lot of stress come off to
these kids.
They're so busy and theschedules are so busy and the
parents are trying to keep upwith these busy schedules and I
think that's the biggest thingI'm seeing right now with
parents.
They're trying to do everythingthey possibly can to help their
kids and really they're doingtoo much in harming their kids.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Yeah, yeah, right, like you said, it's so
challenging Sounds like you'retalking about kind of stacking
the deck in their favor in termsof having those fundamentals.
You know the nutrition and someof the holistic aspects in
place.
So can you talk a little bithere about how a holistic
approach, especially withmidlife, those us midlife
(04:34):
parents, that's kind of ourniche here can kind of meet
these challenges that you'retalking about.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yeah Well, I always encourage parents to be doing
the same thing that they'repreaching to their kids.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Okay, good point.
You know, as you say, it isjust like, well, yeah, but we
need to hear it over and over,don't we?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
But we're not.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
You know, and as parents, as midlife parents, we
are so stressed ourselves.
We need to be engaging in selfcare, which is exactly what I
really talk to kids about.
But the kids can't do it ontheir own.
It really needs to be a familyeffort, and the parents, again,
they need this.
So, when we talk about thephysical elements of self care
(05:17):
and what that looks like, arethe parents hydrated?
Like are you walking aroundwith your water bottle Because
you need to be and your kidneeds to be too?
Right.
You know, are you eating well?
And that's a huge topic of whatdo family dinners look like?
Are there family dinners?
Are you eating well, or are youstanding up at the counter
(05:38):
shoving food into your mouth asyou're running to another
activity with one of your kids?
They're seeing everything.
You're doing so to make surethat you're incorporating
healthy food on a daily basisfamily dinners when you can.
And the biggest thing I'mnoticing, with midlife parents
especially.
I was out to dinner recently abunch of us and I realized that
(06:00):
all of my friends that I was outto dinner with, all these moms
have group chats at like two inthe morning and I was like wait
a second, do none of you sleep?
And they were like no, what?
Nobody is sleeping and our kidsneed to sleep and we need to
sleep.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
And it's unbelievable how many parents aren't
sleeping.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Yeah, it seems crazy.
What you're saying seems crazy,but it's also as it rings true.
This is kind of off our script,carrie, but like, how did we
get to this point?
I mean, where did this comefrom?
I heard you say keeping up withthe Joneses and trying to keep
people, or having kids inactivities.
(06:44):
It sounds like, in some ways,good intentions, in some ways
socialization, but how can wehave a little bit more awareness
of why it's this way?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
We've swung too much on the other side.
It's what's happened.
And it's interesting becausewhen people talk about COVID and
the shutdown of COVID, one ofthe more positive things that
came- All right, so we've swungtoo far.
We have definitely swung too far.
We have tried to do too muchand we've become too overly
involved, too overly scheduledand we're not allowing our kids
(07:18):
to problem solve on their own.
We're not allowing them todevelop their own
self-confidence that they couldproblem solve on their own.
And, unfortunately, when we aretoo involved when they're
younger, where does it stop?
So if they're texting youduring high school that they
failed a test, what do you thinkis gonna happen at college?
And I do.
(07:38):
I have many college studentsthat I work with that are
texting their parents, beinglike I'm gonna argue with my
roommate.
What do I say?
You need to let them problemsolve some of this.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, that's really interesting because as a
youngster we didn't have that.
It's just a matter of today.
We can't blame the children forwanting help from their kids
and we can't blame the parentsfor wanting to respond and be
helpful.
But there's a balance there.
Like you say, how do kidsdevelop good emotional
well-being?
Well, they solve some of theirown problems, right?
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
And so.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Yeah, it's so crucial that they're able to problem
solve and as adults we've becomeway too involved in every
aspect of their life, especiallysocially.
They don't really have a lot offree play anymore that doesn't
have an adult supervising it.
So it's so important whenthey're young especially, to be
able to have them like free play, without it being in a
(08:32):
structured environment, so theycan problem solve on their own.
But this also goes into as theyget older.
I see more and more parentsgetting involved in social
situations and social argumentsbetween kids that they should
not be involved in.
If nobody's life is in danger,if nothing is massively extreme,
if there's no severe bullying,if there's an argument, you have
(08:55):
to let them figure that out ontheir own.
And they will, and it's gonnabe messy, but that's how they're
learning.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, again, it's a long-term view that.
It is.
You know we, when we're asparents, we want the best.
When we see our kids upset, wewanna help.
That's natural.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Well, that's what it is.
When you see your child upsetbecause maybe they weren't
invited somewhere, it is veryeasy to want to call that other
parent and be like why wasn't mykid invited?
And she's upset and this iswrong, and you can't do that.
And the reality is your childwill not always be invited
somewhere and they need to beable to learn to deal with those
feelings and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, again, I'm recognizing the technology here.
Like back in the day, it was alot difficult for parents to
either write each other a letteror recall each other on the
landline to discuss these things.
Sometimes we just parentsdidn't have the availability or
to do that, and so as kids wedealt with it a little bit more,
and I think for me it's helpfulto remember yeah, I felt that
way.
I felt that way when I was akid.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Yeah, we all felt that way, even as adults, like
you're gonna be left out.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Yep, and it's unrealistic for our kids to be
spared from that.
And so, like you said, if wethink about that as a natural
part of human growth and that itis a part of growth, it might
be easier to kind of step backfrom that and let them solve
that, which it sounds likeyou're advocating, which makes
sense, that helps kids developtheir emotional well-being and
(10:21):
their coping skills.
So that sounds like onestrategy.
What else would you say toparents that are wanting to
build coping skills andemotional well-being in their
kids?
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Yeah, besides being able to problem solve on their
own and develop their ownself-esteem and self-confidence
with that, they have to be ableto deal with disappointment.
They also need to be able tohandle other negative emotions
and just natural lifeconsequences.
As parents we've kind ofscooped in and stopped a lot of
consequences from happening intheir lives.
(10:51):
And listen if they don't studyfor a test and they fail, they
fail.
They should not then have theirparents saying, oh but they had
a rough night or we didn't havetime, Just let them fail the
test.
It's not the end of the worldand they're going to recover and
they're going to learn for nexttime that they need to be more
(11:11):
engaged in their schoolwork.
But when we're not allowingthese kids to receive any type
of consequences, it's a problem,because at some point in life
they're going to receiveconsequences.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
And that really is a win-win for everybody.
Even like the parents when theytake on every problem that the
kids have.
That's kind of making theproblem worse for themselves,
isn't it?
It leaves less headspace andenergy for the things that they
need to accomplish.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Absolutely.
You get so stressed out bywhat's going on with your child
and listen.
As parents, we're always goingto feel upset when something is
negative going on with ourchildren, but we also need to
take a step back and realizethat so often they could solve
it on their own or they couldjust handle these feelings of
being disappointed and I thinkalso kind of as a society, we've
(12:03):
gotten away from that and wedon't want anyone's feelings
hurt, and the reality ispeople's feelings are going to
be hurt.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
That's unavoidable, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Completely.
We need to be mindful of that,it's okay.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
It really is.
It really is.
We are dealing with adolescentsand emerging adults that we all
love, but we know that they'rein a unique stage of their lives
in terms of their social,emotional development and
maturity.
So sometimes I think kids canbe resistant to some of these
things that we're talking aboutfrom a holistic perspective,
(12:36):
like sleep eating.
Well, how can parents kind ofnavigate those situations when
kids are resistant to thoseapproaches?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
So much of it is about modeling and educating.
You cannot tell a kid at thispoint you have to go to sleep.
At this time I mean it's justnot going to happen and you're
going to get into battles for noreason at all.
You're not going to win.
I always tell parents pick yourbattles very carefully.
So what I tell parents is talkto your child, say you know what
(13:07):
?
I've noticed that I'm notgetting good sleep and I don't
have patience the next day.
And maybe you've noticed Idon't have patience the next day
.
And I'm going to work on thatand I'm really going to
prioritize my sleep and I'mgoing to put my phone on June,
not disturb, and I'm going towind down earlier and really
work on getting a solid eighthours, because you're modeling
the behavior, you're educatingthem about it and then they kind
(13:30):
of can take it or run with itif they want.
You know I do have a rule in myhouse, you know talk about pick
your battles.
This is one of my battles.
You may not have electronics inyour bedroom at night.
They have to come out.
Nothing good is happening on aphone at two in the morning and
it's just disrupting their sleep.
So that is one of the battlesthat I do pick, but it's also
(13:53):
about being able to say to yourchild when they come home saying
they have a headache oh, didyou drink water?
Because I know that couldinfluence a headache.
It's about sitting down andhaving family dinners together.
All the research is showingfamily dinners your child is
less likely to be on drugs.
Your child is more likely toget better grades.
(14:14):
You need to sit down and connectand have that healthy meal and
have your children involved inthe prepping of the meal.
That's a life skill.
They need to know how to cook.
Have your child say like what?
Maybe they'll try.
What will they maybe like?
I know there's a lot of pickyeaters out there and I think
(14:34):
that's become more common thannot picky eaters because we
again have been catering toomuch and saying, oh well, they
don't like that.
So I'm not gonna ever make themtry it or eat it and I'm just
gonna change everything.
It used to be back in the daylike your parents would make,
like a meal.
That's your meal and I doencourage the one meal, but I do
(14:55):
encourage trying to haveelements in it that everybody
may be okay with eating and thenthey can kind of like pick
apart the meal.
I'm not a fan of like finishyour plates, because your
children really need to be ableto listen to their own bodies
about when they're full.
But I am a big believer inencouraging one bite of a
vegetable and explain to them.
(15:17):
Sometimes it takes 30 triesbefore you like a food.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Yeah, yeah, I love the long-term view you have here
, carrie.
That's exactly right.
And speaking of long-term, Ithink I always need to hear it
as often as I can about hownutrition impacts emotional
wellbeing and how we canintegrate this into our
parenting approach.
You've hinted at some of that.
It's more than hinting,actually, but what else would
(15:41):
you like our listeners to knowabout that?
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Yeah, the research that's going on now about gut
health and mental health isreally showing such a link.
And 90% of our chemicals areactually made in our gut.
So when we talk about kids nothaving the right chemicals to
feel good and to deal withstress and anxiety, you have to
go back to the gut.
That's where they're made.
And your child is not going tohave the right chemicals if
(16:06):
they're eating processed foodthat really has no nutrients.
And the other issue with theprocessed food is that we're
spiking the blood sugarconstantly and then we're coming
crashing down, and it's notjust about the sugar that
they're ingesting, it's how thisfood is being broken down.
It is broken down basicallyinto just sugars.
So incorporating protein intothe diet is really important
(16:27):
fruits and vegetables and, as aparent again, like you need to
model that and say like Inoticed that I'm crashing every
afternoon, I need to incorporateprotein.
I'm going to start having thisfor breakfast.
Or I'm making a smoothie withchia seeds and flax seeds and
who wants some?
And encouraging it that way.
But they have to see you doingit.
If all they're seeing you do iseat processed food and living
(16:50):
off coffee, that's the exampleyou're setting.
So it's important to come backto yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Yeah, I'm laughing because I'm an imperfect parent.
I'm a hard parent, just likeeverybody listening here that's
breathing and has a beatingheart.
I feel like there's almost, andI try to eat healthy and I feel
like my kids kind of have thisdefense mechanism like, oh
(17:18):
that's not cool, dad.
So that's just a comment, I'llprobably cut out Carrie, but I
think it does take someresilience and some perseverance
to recognize that it really isbeing a good parent and being
good to yourself to eat well, tosleep well.
Even though they may not befully grasping that just yet,
(17:39):
it's part of the process.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Right.
And again, they're alwaysseeing what you're doing and
you're planting more seeds thanyou realize.
So even the simple stuff likehaving a bowl of fruit on the
table where it's just in theirsight, you'll start noticing all
of a sudden like they grab forit more.
Now, if you told them go eat anorange, they're probably like
no Right.
But if you just leave the fruitout and that's what I tell
(18:03):
parents a lot with books I havea workbook for teens and I say
just get it and throw it intheir bedroom and don't say
anything.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
You know, lots of times like I'll go to the
library, get my kids books and Ijust throw them in the bedrooms
and then I'll notice like thebook open to a different page.
And don't comment on it just.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
That's right.
That's right, and it is kind ofjust normalizing.
Normalizing these types ofbehaviors eating well, reading,
sleeping well and then I thinkthat's part of the process two
of them discovering oh, I feelbetter when this must be why my
dad does it.
Oh, it's normal, you know.
So I can.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
That's the thing that's so interesting is that
once they start doing this,they're like oh, I get it.
And a lot of times when kidsare in my office, when it comes
to hydration, especially the wayI get them to start drinking
more water is by telling themthe physical benefits,
especially about you know, yourskin's gonna look healthier.
Oh, you look better, yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
The walk looks important to them.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Exactly, exactly.
So, kari, I think I'm gonnamove into communication, but I
wanna give you the opportunity.
Was there anything else?
Do you want me to ask anything?
Anything else you want to sayabout nutrition?
On take two here, I think itsounded great to me.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
No, it's fine.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Okay, cool.
Well then I'm going to switchinto communication, and now we
can feel like we're back ontrack, so thank you again for
doing that.
Sure, oh, great stuff, kerry,great stuff, and a lot of this
is communication in a way.
And I know that's another partof your holistic approach to
parenting.
So talk to us a little bitabout how midlife parents can
communicate better with theiradults and emerging adults, and
(19:40):
about emotional wellbeing.
Towards that go a mutual goal.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
So in terms of communication, I think one of
the most important things thatparents needs to do is to talk
less and listen more.
And it sounds so simple butit's not.
And kids, when they're in myoffice, that's what they
complain about.
They will say to me when I tryto talk to my parents, they try
(20:06):
to problem solve it for me andthen I get frustrated or they
judge me and I get frustratedand then I shut down.
If your child is constantlyfeeling judged in your
communication whether that belike oh, you didn't drink enough
water today or you're noteating healthy when they're
feeling judged, they're justgoing to shut down.
So when you take it more from ahey, you know what I'm doing
(20:29):
for myself or hey, you know whatI learned today, and just kind
of like throwing it out therewithout directing it so much to
them, that's when they'll takeit in more.
Defenses aren't up.
When we're feeling attacked,we're not going to hear what
somebody is saying, andteenagers feel attacked very
easily.
(20:49):
So that's important tounderstand as a parent.
The moment we say something,they take it kind of the wrong
way a lot.
So to try to focus not on themso much but just on what we're
learning, our process, oureducation and letting it sit,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Again, it really is short term versus long term.
You know, I think some parentsin our busy lives we're just
like, okay, I'm going to tell itand it makes sense, and they're
going to hear it, you know, andjust hoping that that'll make
the change.
But as you're saying, andprobably as most of us have
experienced, it doesn't workthat way.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Yeah, and so much of it.
Again is not what you say, asmuch as what you're doing.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, I have parents whoalways tell their kids like
you're on your screen too much.
You're on your screen too much.
And the same kids turn to meand they're like do you know how
much they're playing CandyCrush when they're on their
phone?
Speaker 1 (21:43):
And.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I'm like yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So, yeah, I'd like to talk a little bit more about
communication in terms ofstrategies or main things for us
to focus on.
We can't change everything, butmain things that really make a
difference as we try to stayconnected with our children in
these phases.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
I know I like to lead you on to one thing I know is
big for you, which is boundaries.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a thing we talk about alot, but it still can't be heard
enough.
So could you talk about thatand then other communication
strategies that parents coulduse?
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Well, in terms of boundaries, our children are not
us.
They are their own human beings.
We need to respect that and weneed to respect their own
boundaries as well.
The thought process of like,well, I'm the parent and if I
want to talk to them, they needto talk to me now is not helpful
.
It's about respecting theirboundaries, respecting them as
human being.
(22:35):
Many times, as a parent, we'reso excited to see our kids after
school.
We're like tell me all aboutyour day, how is everything?
And they're just like oh, mygosh, just stop.
And it's not because they don'twant to talk to you, it's
because they are overwhelmedfrom their own day.
They need a moment to shake itoff and to kind of, you know,
reprocess, so allowing them tohave those boundaries.
(22:55):
You know, we want our childrento be able to say no to somebody
.
We want our child to be able tosay like no, I need to put
myself first.
So we need to respect that inthem.
We need to respect that theymay need an hour after school of
just we're not going to seethem until they're ready to come
down and then talk to us, andthat's okay.
It's not all about us.
(23:17):
We need to respect them.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
It's something I'm not great atjust yet, but I think it's
helpful for me to be more of abeing parent than an action
parent, like to have thatperfect plan tonight and to have
fun and for us to have a greatconversation.
Sometimes it's counterintuitive, but it's better.
(23:42):
If I'm there, I've supplied anutritional meal.
We can talk, you can if you needspace cool, and that right, I
feel like it sounds like lowerexpectations of a parent, but it
really I feel like it actuallycounterintuitively works
differently than you know beingable to talk it does.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
It's like the less we talk, the more they're willing
to talk to us.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know and you can always,you know throw out guidance in
the conversation, but never thisis what you need to do.
Mm-hmm.
Or why didn't you do it thisway?
It could always be like oh,when I went through something
like that, this is kind of how Ihandled it and this was my
(24:27):
thought process behind that.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Yeah, it's a lot of modeling and natural allowing,
honoring the child's ability tofigure out what works for them,
what is working in their life,and that's a more internalized
and long-lasting form ofdevelopment.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
And that's actually a really you know good point that
you bring up is that they aretheir own person.
So the way we do something isnot going to be the way they do
something, and that doesn't meanit's wrong.
Mm-hmm.
And you know, I think sometimesparents think, well, if they're
not acting the way I act, thenthat must be wrong, and kids are
.
We're all different humanbeings.
(25:06):
Some of us are more talkativethan others, and that's okay.
You know, we all express lovein our own ways.
Some kids are huggers, somekids are not huggers, and
they're all allowed to havetheir own individual identity.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Great, great stuff, Carrie.
So much I've really enjoyedthis so far, you know, and so I
really kind of want to get togetting to some key takeaways
and finding resources, too, forthose parents that want to find
more.
So you have so much greatexperience and I love your
perspective on this, and I'mgoing to ask you a really
(25:40):
difficult question If you hadone take-home message for the
listeners, our midlife listenerswhat would that be?
Speaker 2 (25:47):
Oh, it's so hard to do one take-home message, but I
am going to do it.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
You can cheat, you can cheat.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
As a take-home message, I'm going to tell you
this as parents, you need to beengaged in self-care.
It really makes everything inthe house run better.
So that is being a good parentis taking your own self-care.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yeah, and you've made the point very, very well on
this podcast that it has rippleeffects.
It's not just about you, it'smodeling, it's giving your kids
opportunities to develop thatthemselves.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
And then you also are more at peace with yourself and
not overrun, and you have morepatience.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Yeah, we're going to have to do a part two on
self-care for parents.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
This has been great, carrie, and I'm serious about
that, but what other resourceswould you recommend for
listeners who want to learn moreabout this topic, things that
have influenced you or thingsthat you might have for parents?
What would you recommend forthose that want to dive into a
little bit more of what we'vebeen talking about?
Speaker 2 (26:55):
So I am a huge reader of the subject of mental health
.
I actually really enjoy it.
So I have taken everything thatI read and everything I've
experienced in 20 years and putthem into two books, so they're
available on Amazon.
One is Mental Health Uncensored10 Foundations Every Parent
Needs to Know, and the other oneis a workbook for teens and
(27:16):
it's Mental Health Uncensored 10Foundations Every Teen Needs to
Know, and they can take itthrough their own steps, at
their own pace, and incorporateall of these principles into
their own life.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Awesome, yeah, and I'll put the links in the
description here, and I thinkand you have a website I'll link
to too.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
It's Carrie Cooper Holistic Therapy, and Carrie is
K-E-R-I.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Okay, awesome, I'm definitely going to check that
out.
There's always more to learnand I love your perspective on
this, carrie, so this has beenreally great.
I just really have enjoyed thisconversation.
I found it really practical,down to earth and yet based on
science and honoring yourselfand honoring your children.
So thank you so much for takingthe time to do this and all
(28:01):
that you do.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Thank you so much for having me and thank you.
No, and we'll get going.
So joining us today is CaryCooper, a licensed clinical
social worker specializing inholistic psychotherapy for
adolescents and children.
With extensive experience inhelping teens navigate stress,
anxiety, depression and ADHD,cary takes an integrated,
solution-focused approach toempower young individuals with
(00:21):
the tools they need for awell-rounded and resilient life.
I love it, cary.
Does that sound accurate to you?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Yes, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Well then, welcome to the show, Cary.
So glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
So glad to be here.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Awesome.
So could you give us a littlebackground, personal background,
and tell us how you getinterested in today's topics?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Sure.
So I always loved talking topeople from a very young age and
I actually always knew prettyearly on that I wanted to be a
therapist, so I pursued it.
Very traditional approach I gotmy master's from UPenn dove
right in, always was workingwith children and adolescents.
But when I was working withthem I was in all different
(01:03):
settings, huge clinical teamsand I was like they're getting
better, but not 100%.
What are we missing here?
And it wasn't until I had myown children.
I have four kids, but one of mykids really taught me
everything.
Her behavior as a toddler wasjust really extreme and we
didn't realize until later onthat she has a dairy intolerance
(01:24):
.
And when she eats dairy, she'snot okay.
And it made me start thinkinglike, wait a second, what's
going on with food and mentalhealth?
And I actually went back toschool to get certified as a
health coach and I reallystarted learning how much what
we're eating is impacting howwe're feeling, not just from a
(01:46):
food intolerance perspectiveeven though that is a whole
conversation but really just weneed nutrients.
Our gut health is so importantand now now we're starting to
see a lot of research actuallyin gut health and now we're
starting to see it slowly getincorporated into the mental
health world.
But when I started off doingthis 10 years ago with the
(02:06):
holistic approach, nobody elsewas doing it.
So I take a very holisticapproach and that's why I wrote
my book as well, because Ireally need people to see it's
not just the mental aspect, it'sthe physical aspect as well.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Yeah, that's a really cool angle on it.
Like you said, the holisticperspective is just a great way
to look at it.
That you know, kind of outsideof the box, but really based on
our science that we're gettingto know, isn't it?
So can you talk a little bitabout some of the primary
challenges you see midlifeparents have with adolescents
and and emerging adults even?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Yeah, I mean there's so many.
Yeah, there is.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
This could be, you know, a mini series, but you
know, what do you see as some ofthe primary ones in your
practice?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Parenting is not easy .
No, it just isn't, andeverybody needs to realize that
all parents are strugglingbecause we're trying to do the
right thing.
It is hard, it's just hard.
So I, I one, want parents torealize that nobody has it
figured out not me, not nobody.
We're all trying our best andthis is just, you know, guidance
(03:13):
on how you can try to do evenbetter.
But I think one of the thingsthat parents don't always look
at is just coming back to thebasics.
You know, we're so concernedabout the bigger picture and, oh
, do they have a collegecounselor and you know tutors
for this class and that class.
But let's get back and say arethey hydrated?
Mm, hmm.
Are your kids drinking water?
(03:34):
Which?
Is so important in terms oftheir focus and, you know,
detoxing and keeping cellshealthy.
So I think that it's the basicsthat the parents are really
forgetting at this point,because they're just so
overwhelmed with everything elsethey need to do, and it's your
constant feeling of having tokeep up with the Joneses you
(03:54):
know, and I think that's makinga lot of stress come off to
these kids.
They're so busy and theschedules are so busy and the
parents are trying to keep upwith these busy schedules and I
think that's the biggest thingI'm seeing right now with
parents.
They're trying to do everythingthey possibly can to help their
kids and really they're doingtoo much in harming their kids.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Yeah, yeah, right, like you said, it's so
challenging Sounds like you'retalking about kind of stacking
the deck in their favor in termsof having those fundamentals.
You know the nutrition and someof the holistic aspects in
place.
So can you talk a little bithere about how a holistic
approach, especially withmidlife, those us midlife
(04:34):
parents, that's kind of ourniche here can kind of meet
these challenges that you'retalking about.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yeah Well, I always encourage parents to be doing
the same thing that they'repreaching to their kids.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Okay, good point.
You know, as you say, it isjust like, well, yeah, but we
need to hear it over and over,don't we?
Speaker 2 (04:53):
But we're not.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
You know, and as parents, as midlife parents, we
are so stressed ourselves.
We need to be engaging in selfcare, which is exactly what I
really talk to kids about.
But the kids can't do it ontheir own.
It really needs to be a familyeffort, and the parents, again,
they need this.
So, when we talk about thephysical elements of self care
(05:17):
and what that looks like, arethe parents hydrated?
Like are you walking aroundwith your water bottle Because
you need to be and your kidneeds to be too?
Right.
You know, are you eating well?
And that's a huge topic of whatdo family dinners look like?
Are there family dinners?
Are you eating well, or are youstanding up at the counter
(05:38):
shoving food into your mouth asyou're running to another
activity with one of your kids?
They're seeing everything.
You're doing so to make surethat you're incorporating
healthy food on a daily basisfamily dinners when you can.
And the biggest thing I'mnoticing, with midlife parents
especially.
I was out to dinner recently abunch of us and I realized that
(06:00):
all of my friends that I was outto dinner with, all these moms
have group chats at like two inthe morning and I was like wait
a second, do none of you sleep?
And they were like no, what?
Nobody is sleeping and our kidsneed to sleep and we need to
sleep.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
And it's unbelievable how many parents aren't
sleeping.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Yeah, it seems crazy.
What you're saying seems crazy,but it's also as it rings true.
This is kind of off our script,carrie, but like, how did we
get to this point?
I mean, where did this comefrom?
I heard you say keeping up withthe Joneses and trying to keep
people, or having kids inactivities.
(06:44):
It sounds like, in some ways,good intentions, in some ways
socialization, but how can wehave a little bit more awareness
of why it's this way?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
We've swung too much on the other side.
It's what's happened.
And it's interesting becausewhen people talk about COVID and
the shutdown of COVID, one ofthe more positive things that
came- All right, so we've swungtoo far.
We have definitely swung too far.
We have tried to do too muchand we've become too overly
involved, too overly scheduledand we're not allowing our kids
(07:18):
to problem solve on their own.
We're not allowing them todevelop their own
self-confidence that they couldproblem solve on their own.
And, unfortunately, when we aretoo involved when they're
younger, where does it stop?
So if they're texting youduring high school that they
failed a test, what do you thinkis gonna happen at college?
And I do.
(07:38):
I have many college studentsthat I work with that are
texting their parents, beinglike I'm gonna argue with my
roommate.
What do I say?
You need to let them problemsolve some of this.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Yeah, that's really interesting because as a
youngster we didn't have that.
It's just a matter of today.
We can't blame the children forwanting help from their kids
and we can't blame the parentsfor wanting to respond and be
helpful.
But there's a balance there.
Like you say, how do kidsdevelop good emotional
well-being?
Well, they solve some of theirown problems, right?
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
And so.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Yeah, it's so crucial that they're able to problem
solve and as adults we've becomeway too involved in every
aspect of their life, especiallysocially.
They don't really have a lot offree play anymore that doesn't
have an adult supervising it.
So it's so important whenthey're young especially, to be
able to have them like free play, without it being in a
(08:32):
structured environment, so theycan problem solve on their own.
But this also goes into as theyget older.
I see more and more parentsgetting involved in social
situations and social argumentsbetween kids that they should
not be involved in.
If nobody's life is in danger,if nothing is massively extreme,
if there's no severe bullying,if there's an argument, you have
(08:55):
to let them figure that out ontheir own.
And they will, and it's gonnabe messy, but that's how they're
learning.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, again, it's a long-term view that.
It is.
You know we, when we're asparents, we want the best.
When we see our kids upset, wewanna help.
That's natural.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Well, that's what it is.
When you see your child upsetbecause maybe they weren't
invited somewhere, it is veryeasy to want to call that other
parent and be like why wasn't mykid invited?
And she's upset and this iswrong, and you can't do that.
And the reality is your childwill not always be invited
somewhere and they need to beable to learn to deal with those
feelings and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, again, I'm recognizing the technology here.
Like back in the day, it was alot difficult for parents to
either write each other a letteror recall each other on the
landline to discuss these things.
Sometimes we just parentsdidn't have the availability or
to do that, and so as kids wedealt with it a little bit more,
and I think for me it's helpfulto remember yeah, I felt that
way.
I felt that way when I was akid.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Yeah, we all felt that way, even as adults, like
you're gonna be left out.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Yep, and it's unrealistic for our kids to be
spared from that.
And so, like you said, if wethink about that as a natural
part of human growth and that itis a part of growth, it might
be easier to kind of step backfrom that and let them solve
that, which it sounds likeyou're advocating, which makes
sense, that helps kids developtheir emotional well-being and
(10:21):
their coping skills.
So that sounds like onestrategy.
What else would you say toparents that are wanting to
build coping skills andemotional well-being in their
kids?
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Yeah, besides being able to problem solve on their
own and develop their ownself-esteem and self-confidence
with that, they have to be ableto deal with disappointment.
They also need to be able tohandle other negative emotions
and just natural lifeconsequences.
As parents we've kind ofscooped in and stopped a lot of
consequences from happening intheir lives.
(10:51):
And listen if they don't studyfor a test and they fail, they
fail.
They should not then have theirparents saying, oh but they had
a rough night or we didn't havetime, Just let them fail the
test.
It's not the end of the worldand they're going to recover and
they're going to learn for nexttime that they need to be more
(11:11):
engaged in their schoolwork.
But when we're not allowingthese kids to receive any type
of consequences, it's a problem,because at some point in life
they're going to receiveconsequences.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
And that really is a win-win for everybody.
Even like the parents when theytake on every problem that the
kids have.
That's kind of making theproblem worse for themselves,
isn't it?
It leaves less headspace andenergy for the things that they
need to accomplish.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Absolutely.
You get so stressed out bywhat's going on with your child
and listen.
As parents, we're always goingto feel upset when something is
negative going on with ourchildren, but we also need to
take a step back and realizethat so often they could solve
it on their own or they couldjust handle these feelings of
being disappointed and I thinkalso kind of as a society, we've
(12:03):
gotten away from that and wedon't want anyone's feelings
hurt, and the reality ispeople's feelings are going to
be hurt.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
That's unavoidable, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Completely.
We need to be mindful of that,it's okay.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
It really is.
It really is.
We are dealing with adolescentsand emerging adults that we all
love, but we know that they'rein a unique stage of their lives
in terms of their social,emotional development and
maturity.
So sometimes I think kids canbe resistant to some of these
things that we're talking aboutfrom a holistic perspective,
(12:36):
like sleep eating.
Well, how can parents kind ofnavigate those situations when
kids are resistant to thoseapproaches?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
So much of it is about modeling and educating.
You cannot tell a kid at thispoint you have to go to sleep.
At this time I mean it's justnot going to happen and you're
going to get into battles for noreason at all.
You're not going to win.
I always tell parents pick yourbattles very carefully.
So what I tell parents is talkto your child, say you know what
(13:07):
?
I've noticed that I'm notgetting good sleep and I don't
have patience the next day.
And maybe you've noticed Idon't have patience the next day
.
And I'm going to work on thatand I'm really going to
prioritize my sleep and I'mgoing to put my phone on June,
not disturb, and I'm going towind down earlier and really
work on getting a solid eighthours, because you're modeling
the behavior, you're educatingthem about it and then they kind
(13:30):
of can take it or run with itif they want.
You know I do have a rule in myhouse, you know talk about pick
your battles.
This is one of my battles.
You may not have electronics inyour bedroom at night.
They have to come out.
Nothing good is happening on aphone at two in the morning and
it's just disrupting their sleep.
So that is one of the battlesthat I do pick, but it's also
(13:53):
about being able to say to yourchild when they come home saying
they have a headache oh, didyou drink water?
Because I know that couldinfluence a headache.
It's about sitting down andhaving family dinners together.
All the research is showingfamily dinners your child is
less likely to be on drugs.
Your child is more likely toget better grades.
(14:14):
You need to sit down and connectand have that healthy meal and
have your children involved inthe prepping of the meal.
That's a life skill.
They need to know how to cook.
Have your child say like what?
Maybe they'll try.
What will they maybe like?
I know there's a lot of pickyeaters out there and I think
(14:34):
that's become more common thannot picky eaters because we
again have been catering toomuch and saying, oh well, they
don't like that.
So I'm not gonna ever make themtry it or eat it and I'm just
gonna change everything.
It used to be back in the daylike your parents would make,
like a meal.
That's your meal and I doencourage the one meal, but I do
(14:55):
encourage trying to haveelements in it that everybody
may be okay with eating and thenthey can kind of like pick
apart the meal.
I'm not a fan of like finishyour plates, because your
children really need to be ableto listen to their own bodies
about when they're full.
But I am a big believer inencouraging one bite of a
vegetable and explain to them.
(15:17):
Sometimes it takes 30 triesbefore you like a food.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Yeah, yeah, I love the long-term view you have here
, carrie.
That's exactly right.
And speaking of long-term, Ithink I always need to hear it
as often as I can about hownutrition impacts emotional
wellbeing and how we canintegrate this into our
parenting approach.
You've hinted at some of that.
It's more than hinting,actually, but what else would
(15:41):
you like our listeners to knowabout that?
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Yeah, the research that's going on now about gut
health and mental health isreally showing such a link.
And 90% of our chemicals areactually made in our gut.
So when we talk about kids nothaving the right chemicals to
feel good and to deal withstress and anxiety, you have to
go back to the gut.
That's where they're made.
And your child is not going tohave the right chemicals if
(16:06):
they're eating processed foodthat really has no nutrients.
And the other issue with theprocessed food is that we're
spiking the blood sugarconstantly and then we're coming
crashing down, and it's notjust about the sugar that
they're ingesting, it's how thisfood is being broken down.
It is broken down basicallyinto just sugars.
So incorporating protein intothe diet is really important
(16:27):
fruits and vegetables and, as aparent again, like you need to
model that and say like Inoticed that I'm crashing every
afternoon, I need to incorporateprotein.
I'm going to start having thisfor breakfast.
Or I'm making a smoothie withchia seeds and flax seeds and
who wants some?
And encouraging it that way.
But they have to see you doingit.
If all they're seeing you do iseat processed food and living
(16:50):
off coffee, that's the exampleyou're setting.
So it's important to come backto yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Yeah, I'm laughing because I'm an imperfect parent.
I'm a hard parent, just likeeverybody listening here that's
breathing and has a beatingheart.
I feel like there's almost, andI try to eat healthy and I feel
like my kids kind of have thisdefense mechanism like, oh
(17:18):
that's not cool, dad.
So that's just a comment, I'llprobably cut out Carrie, but I
think it does take someresilience and some perseverance
to recognize that it really isbeing a good parent and being
good to yourself to eat well, tosleep well.
Even though they may not befully grasping that just yet,
(17:39):
it's part of the process.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Right.
And again, they're alwaysseeing what you're doing and
you're planting more seeds thanyou realize.
So even the simple stuff likehaving a bowl of fruit on the
table where it's just in theirsight, you'll start noticing all
of a sudden like they grab forit more.
Now, if you told them go eat anorange, they're probably like
no Right.
But if you just leave the fruitout and that's what I tell
(18:03):
parents a lot with books I havea workbook for teens and I say
just get it and throw it intheir bedroom and don't say
anything.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
You know, lots of times like I'll go to the
library, get my kids books and Ijust throw them in the bedrooms
and then I'll notice like thebook open to a different page.
And don't comment on it just.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
That's right.
That's right, and it is kind ofjust normalizing.
Normalizing these types ofbehaviors eating well, reading,
sleeping well and then I thinkthat's part of the process two
of them discovering oh, I feelbetter when this must be why my
dad does it.
Oh, it's normal, you know.
So I can.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
That's the thing that's so interesting is that
once they start doing this,they're like oh, I get it.
And a lot of times when kidsare in my office, when it comes
to hydration, especially the wayI get them to start drinking
more water is by telling themthe physical benefits,
especially about you know, yourskin's gonna look healthier.
Oh, you look better, yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
The walk looks important to them.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Exactly, exactly.
So, kari, I think I'm gonnamove into communication, but I
wanna give you the opportunity.
Was there anything else?
Do you want me to ask anything?
Anything else you want to sayabout nutrition?
On take two here, I think itsounded great to me.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
No, it's fine.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Okay, cool.
Well then I'm going to switchinto communication, and now we
can feel like we're back ontrack, so thank you again for
doing that.
Sure, oh, great stuff, kerry,great stuff, and a lot of this
is communication in a way.
And I know that's another partof your holistic approach to
parenting.
So talk to us a little bitabout how midlife parents can
communicate better with theiradults and emerging adults, and
(19:40):
about emotional wellbeing.
Towards that go a mutual goal.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
So in terms of communication, I think one of
the most important things thatparents needs to do is to talk
less and listen more.
And it sounds so simple butit's not.
And kids, when they're in myoffice, that's what they
complain about.
They will say to me when I tryto talk to my parents, they try
(20:06):
to problem solve it for me andthen I get frustrated or they
judge me and I get frustratedand then I shut down.
If your child is constantlyfeeling judged in your
communication whether that belike oh, you didn't drink enough
water today or you're noteating healthy when they're
feeling judged, they're justgoing to shut down.
So when you take it more from ahey, you know what I'm doing
(20:29):
for myself or hey, you know whatI learned today, and just kind
of like throwing it out therewithout directing it so much to
them, that's when they'll takeit in more.
Defenses aren't up.
When we're feeling attacked,we're not going to hear what
somebody is saying, andteenagers feel attacked very
easily.
(20:49):
So that's important tounderstand as a parent.
The moment we say something,they take it kind of the wrong
way a lot.
So to try to focus not on themso much but just on what we're
learning, our process, oureducation and letting it sit,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Again, it really is short term versus long term.
You know, I think some parentsin our busy lives we're just
like, okay, I'm going to tell itand it makes sense, and they're
going to hear it, you know, andjust hoping that that'll make
the change.
But as you're saying, andprobably as most of us have
experienced, it doesn't workthat way.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Yeah, and so much of it.
Again is not what you say, asmuch as what you're doing.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, I have parents whoalways tell their kids like
you're on your screen too much.
You're on your screen too much.
And the same kids turn to meand they're like do you know how
much they're playing CandyCrush when they're on their
phone?
Speaker 1 (21:43):
And.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I'm like yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So, yeah, I'd like to talk a little bit more about
communication in terms ofstrategies or main things for us
to focus on.
We can't change everything, butmain things that really make a
difference as we try to stayconnected with our children in
these phases.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
I know I like to lead you on to one thing I know is
big for you, which is boundaries.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a thing we talk about alot, but it still can't be heard
enough.
So could you talk about thatand then other communication
strategies that parents coulduse?
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Well, in terms of boundaries, our children are not
us.
They are their own human beings.
We need to respect that and weneed to respect their own
boundaries as well.
The thought process of like,well, I'm the parent and if I
want to talk to them, they needto talk to me now is not helpful
.
It's about respecting theirboundaries, respecting them as
human being.
(22:35):
Many times, as a parent, we'reso excited to see our kids after
school.
We're like tell me all aboutyour day, how is everything?
And they're just like oh, mygosh, just stop.
And it's not because they don'twant to talk to you, it's
because they are overwhelmedfrom their own day.
They need a moment to shake itoff and to kind of, you know,
reprocess, so allowing them tohave those boundaries.
(22:55):
You know, we want our childrento be able to say no to somebody
.
We want our child to be able tosay like no, I need to put
myself first.
So we need to respect that inthem.
We need to respect that theymay need an hour after school of
just we're not going to seethem until they're ready to come
down and then talk to us, andthat's okay.
It's not all about us.
(23:17):
We need to respect them.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
It's something I'm not great atjust yet, but I think it's
helpful for me to be more of abeing parent than an action
parent, like to have thatperfect plan tonight and to have
fun and for us to have a greatconversation.
Sometimes it's counterintuitive, but it's better.
(23:42):
If I'm there, I've supplied anutritional meal.
We can talk, you can if you needspace cool, and that right, I
feel like it sounds like lowerexpectations of a parent, but it
really I feel like it actuallycounterintuitively works
differently than you know beingable to talk it does.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
It's like the less we talk, the more they're willing
to talk to us.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know and you can always,you know throw out guidance in
the conversation, but never thisis what you need to do.
Mm-hmm.
Or why didn't you do it thisway?
It could always be like oh,when I went through something
like that, this is kind of how Ihandled it and this was my
(24:27):
thought process behind that.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Yeah, it's a lot of modeling and natural allowing,
honoring the child's ability tofigure out what works for them,
what is working in their life,and that's a more internalized
and long-lasting form ofdevelopment.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
And that's actually a really you know good point that
you bring up is that they aretheir own person.
So the way we do something isnot going to be the way they do
something, and that doesn't meanit's wrong.
Mm-hmm.
And you know, I think sometimesparents think, well, if they're
not acting the way I act, thenthat must be wrong, and kids are
.
We're all different humanbeings.
(25:06):
Some of us are more talkativethan others, and that's okay.
You know, we all express lovein our own ways.
Some kids are huggers, somekids are not huggers, and
they're all allowed to havetheir own individual identity.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Great, great stuff, Carrie.
So much I've really enjoyedthis so far, you know, and so I
really kind of want to get togetting to some key takeaways
and finding resources, too, forthose parents that want to find
more.
So you have so much greatexperience and I love your
perspective on this, and I'mgoing to ask you a really
(25:40):
difficult question If you hadone take-home message for the
listeners, our midlife listenerswhat would that be?
Speaker 2 (25:47):
Oh, it's so hard to do one take-home message, but I
am going to do it.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
You can cheat, you can cheat.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
As a take-home message, I'm going to tell you
this as parents, you need to beengaged in self-care.
It really makes everything inthe house run better.
So that is being a good parentis taking your own self-care.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Yeah, and you've made the point very, very well on
this podcast that it has rippleeffects.
It's not just about you, it'smodeling, it's giving your kids
opportunities to develop thatthemselves.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
And then you also are more at peace with yourself and
not overrun, and you have morepatience.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Yeah, we're going to have to do a part two on
self-care for parents.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
This has been great, carrie, and I'm serious about
that, but what other resourceswould you recommend for
listeners who want to learn moreabout this topic, things that
have influenced you or thingsthat you might have for parents?
What would you recommend forthose that want to dive into a
little bit more of what we'vebeen talking about?
Speaker 2 (26:55):
So I am a huge reader of the subject of mental health
.
I actually really enjoy it.
So I have taken everything thatI read and everything I've
experienced in 20 years and putthem into two books, so they're
available on Amazon.
One is Mental Health Uncensored10 Foundations Every Parent
Needs to Know, and the other oneis a workbook for teens and
(27:16):
it's Mental Health Uncensored 10Foundations Every Teen Needs to
Know, and they can take itthrough their own steps, at
their own pace, and incorporateall of these principles into
their own life.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Awesome, yeah, and I'll put the links in the
description here, and I thinkand you have a website I'll link
to too.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
It's Carrie Cooper Holistic Therapy, and Carrie is
K-E-R-I.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
Okay, awesome, I'm definitely going to check that
out.
There's always more to learnand I love your perspective on
this, carrie, so this has beenreally great.
I just really have enjoyed thisconversation.
I found it really practical,down to earth and yet based on
science and honoring yourselfand honoring your children.
So thank you so much for takingthe time to do this and all
(28:01):
that you do.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Thank you so much for having me and thank you.
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