January 15, 2025 • 24 mins
Have you ever found yourself trapped in a misunderstanding, even when you and the other person seem to be on the same page? Miscommunication in interpersonal relationships can be complex, and this episode unpacks how differing communication styles—auditory, kinesthetic, or visual—play a role. By sharing personal anecdotes, including a compelling Reddit tale, we illustrate how these diverse styles can lead to unexpected conflicts and how recognizing them can nurture healthier connections both personally and professionally.
Listening is an art, and enhancing communication requires emotional management and an openness to interpret unspoken needs. Take a breath, place your tongue on the roof of your mouth, and prepare to transform your interactions. We talk about the dynamics of long-term relationships and how familiarity breeds assumptions. Through relatable stories, we emphasize the power of active listening and understanding the emotions behind words, helping you become more mindful and intuitive in your conversations.
Empathy is the cornerstone of effective communication, allowing us to glimpse beyond immediate frustrations to see the challenges others face. This episode explores how fostering patience and understanding can empower those around us, strengthening our bonds and supporting mutual growth. Join us as we discuss strategies for setting healthy boundaries, offering support, and spreading love and positivity in every interaction. Connect with us on social media to keep the conversation going and join our community in creating a world where everyone feels heard and understood.
Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety. Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know how sometimes we're trying to say
something to someone else andthey say look, you're not
getting it, you're not listening, you're not understanding,
you're not getting it.
Yeah, sometimes it is becausecommunication does come in so
many different forms as to saythat we misinterpret often or
(00:22):
we're actually both saying thesame thing, but we're not
understanding each other.
Yeah, and we're not like whatyou would say, clicking or
vibing, you're not on the samebrain wave, but really it's
because you're not communicatingthe same way the other person
is, and that is what we're goingto be talking about in this
(00:42):
week's episode of Get Real Withthe English Sisters.
Is what we're going to betalking about in this week's
episode of get real with theenglish sisters.
I mean, we communicate.
Some people say I feel you.
Some people say I hear whatyou're saying.
We have in our bodies, we havethese representative systems
that you know are either throughtouch or hearing, or feeling or
(01:06):
feeling.
Yeah.
So sometimes we're saying I, Ihear you, but if that other, if
the person isn't like a personthat you know that he is, that's
auditory.
Yes, as we say, they're notgoing to get you where, they're
not going to understand whatyou're saying, whereas if you
say I really feel what you'regoing through, oh, you mean by
(01:27):
using certain words, yes, well,the language we use affects
people in different ways.
Absolutely, I was thinking aboutmy husband and his brother the
other day.
Yeah, they both started talking.
Basically, they were bothsaying the same thing, but they
were started raising theirvoices because both of them
thought that the other one wassaying something else, and they
(01:50):
were, basically, I could see it,for, as you know, I was just
listening as an outsider and Iwas thinking what they're both?
They're both basically on thesame page.
What's going on here?
They're agreeing, and they were, in the end, they started
getting louder and louder, youknow, and in the end, they
started getting louder andlouder, you know, and in the end
, they were just literallybarking at each other and I
(02:10):
thought what on earth you'reboth saying the same thing.
Hang on a second, you know.
Take a moment to, you know, tochill, sit down again.
Because they both stood up.
I did and I thought, you know,my husband was about to leave,
because they were in the officeenvironment, he was about to
leave, and I thought, oh my gosh, I stayed seated.
Yeah, so as to my communicationwas yes, look, I'm still
(02:33):
sitting here even though you'vegot.
I'm supposed to be going withyou in the car because we had
one car, but I just stayedseated so that he could
understand that.
I think you know things wereokay and I really wanted them to
sort it out.
Whatever it was, it was aboutbusiness this time, but they
were both saying the same thing.
(02:53):
It's shocking, isn't it?
Just in different ways, yes,and it was shocking how many of
the times this can actuallyhappen when you're both saying
the same thing.
This can happen in you knowrelationships as well.
You just really both of you arebasically saying the same thing
.
It's like you say you're notlistening to me, but at the same
(03:16):
time, the other person thinksthat you're not listening to
them.
So there, do you understand?
Yes, you're not listening toeach other, you're not hearing,
you're not feeling me.
But I think that if sometimes aswell, when you start getting
agitated or like a little irateor angry, it can stop you
(03:40):
actually hearing what the otherperson's actually saying.
Yes, so you actually go like onyour own little soapbox without
realizing what the other personis trying to tell you.
So sometimes, if you just takea deep breath and you just say,
okay, I'm just going to listento that person for five minutes
and see what they have to sayand then I'll talk.
Do you know what I do?
Sometimes, if I really want totalk and I'm really quite
(04:01):
agitated, I actually put mytongue on the top of my of my
mouth and and then it sort oflike quietens me.
I think you're saying bite it?
No, no, I don't bite it, I justmake sure that my tongue
touches the roof of my mouth.
That's what I want the roof andthen I just like stay quiet.
Yes, it quietens you.
(04:22):
I don't want it to quiet me nowbecause I'm doing a verbal
podcast, but you know, but ifyou try it, you know, you just
actually touch the roof.
You know, then I can sort of bequiet and and calm down in a
way and listen.
I think that's where theexpression tongue tied does it.
(04:43):
I think tongue tied means yourtongue is tied up and you can't
express yourself.
Yeah, in this case, you know,you're like I just do this as a
little trick and it helps me.
It is a trick.
It is a trick that's veryuseful.
When I started doing it is whenyou said you talk too much with
the kids.
Yeah, because with the kids Iwas always trying to like over
(05:05):
or justify or over explainthings.
And I remember Violetta said tome one day you know, hey, you
know they get it, you know youdon't have to explain it so much
or justify why you want them todo something.
I can't remember what it wasabout now, usually silly things,
but anyway, and I would tend toover.
And you said do that, yes, andnow it's a good trip, it's a
(05:30):
good tip, because when you dothat also, it calms your
sympathetic nervous system.
So you go into parasympathetic,which is the calming one.
Yeah, so it calms you rightdown.
Um, so you're obviously gonnagive off, like, by being calm.
(05:51):
In that meeting I was the calmone and I think because his
brother was staring at him andlike, oh, literally, you know,
there was, there was rage goingon.
They were both feeling as ifthey weren't being understood.
They were both feeling as ifthey weren't being understood,
both feeling as if each one wasattacking, attacking the other
one.
You haven't done this and youhaven't.
What about you?
(06:12):
You said you were going to dothis, blah, blah, blah.
And so in the end, yeah, Imanaged to just sit down.
I I I thought, my goodness me,you know you're not
understanding each other at allhere.
No, and ultimately you loveeach other so much.
Stop this.
I thought you know you're both,you're both, you treasure each
other.
Yeah, this is, but I could seeit like a fly flying around that
(06:35):
they couldn't see it at thatmoment in time.
I think it's important to noticethat sometimes we get into
these traps that we just repeatso with, especially with, a
certain person.
So you're, you always go on thedefensive straight away instead
of actually listening to thatperson and you're ready to like
kind of bite back and shout backor whatever, and that this does
(06:58):
happen a lot in long-termrelationships, doesn't it?
Absolutely, yes, you have tothink, maybe.
You have to think.
Well, if it was someone Ididn't know, would I treat them
like this?
Would I be so on the defensiveif I had never heard this person
speaking before?
You know, maybe I wouldactually listen to see what
they're going to say, whereas alot of the time we just, we just
(07:19):
mind read that we know whatthey're going to say.
Interrupt them.
We think we know, yes, and yes,we think we know.
We think we know, especiallywith our loved ones, we just
take it for granted oh, I knowwhat you're going to tell me and
oh, blah, blah, blah.
And you ignore them and you'renot respectful, really, of what
they're actually saying orsometimes you're misinterpreting
(07:39):
what they're saying.
Like if your mum says to you oh, you never come and see me, you
never come and see me, and whenyou do come, it's like for five
minutes.
What is she really saying toyou?
What is she really sayingbehind those words?
She's probably saying she'sfeeling lonely.
Yeah, you know she misses humanconnection and she needs for
(08:00):
you to show that you love her.
Yeah, maybe if you can't gothat often, but when you do go,
you give her a really big, longhug or make her feel calm.
Do you know?
These are things that peoplethey say one thing, but really
they're meaning another thing,and so this is where
communication you have to be alittle bit sort of intuitive.
Yes, you have to try and figureout what are they really saying
(08:23):
to me?
Yeah, the other day I wasreading on reddit.
This lady was saying that, um,that her husband always asks her
to help her with everything, soas soon as he's got like a
technological thing to do or abill to pay or something to do
with, like the phone or thecomputer.
He just, she said, he likepretends he doesn't know how to
(08:45):
do it and he just always, like,relies on her, dependent on me.
So he's always like botheringme throughout the day, saying
come and help me with this, comeand help me.
No, you're better at it than Iam.
She actually used those words.
You know you can do it better,really, and I suggested as a
therapist.
I said, maybe you know,underneath all of that there's
(09:08):
the need for you to actuallyconnect on a deeper level.
Maybe, like you know, maybe youcan try going on date nights or
repeating that you love him.
Yeah, so you think that he wasin another context, because he's
, I think he's like it's alsolike a cry of attention for her
attention.
Yes, even if she gets iratewith him or whatever, but she's
(09:31):
still doing something with himfor him.
Yes, exactly, they're stilldoing something together kind of
well.
He's still getting herattention, but maybe it's not.
It's not the way that she wouldlike to give that attention,
not at all.
And she's, she's thinking he'sa, you know, blinking pain in
there, whatever, yeah, and andhe's probably, and he's probably
(09:52):
like craving her attention.
You know, and a lot of people inthe comments said, yeah, but
you don't want another thirdchild.
Your husband sounds like achild, you know he's.
He's not you, you, you, youneed a husband.
But you know, some people didwrite well, you know, what does
he do for you.
I'm sure he does other thingsfor you as well that you don't
(10:12):
do.
And it's true, you know,relationships are a bit like
that.
They're a bit like, you know,you help each other.
But I think the fact that it wasreally getting on her nerves,
that she, she needed to addressit there.
She needs to address it in adifferent way and really say,
hey, what's really going on?
Yeah, you know, maybe he wasmissing her or he felt insecure
(10:33):
about that's what I mean.
It's like when you, like I gavethe example of the mum nagging,
saying you never come, orwhatever, there's another
meaning behind that.
There really always is ameaning, there always is, yeah,
there always is.
And maybe by him constantlyasking her can you help me with
this email?
I don't know what it was, butWell, yeah, it was with anything
(10:53):
that had to do with technology.
Basically, yeah, they were intheir 50s.
So I mean, they were, they werein their 50s but, yeah, there
are some young people thatreally rely on it in the same
way.
So, okay, he was still quiterelatively young to be in his
50s.
He's not like in his 90s.
I don't think he thought he wasthat young anymore.
Yeah, no, I know, obviouslyhe's not that young, he's in his
(11:18):
50s but yes, but he didn't feelas if he could.
He was obviously up with thetechnology.
You know lots of people saying,well, get him to take a course,
right.
Yeah, I don't really think thatwas a real issue.
I think, underlining when yourhusband or someone keeps saying
come over, come and help me withthis, it's because they really
they want to be next year, theywant you to be there for them,
(11:38):
they want you to show that theirlove yeah, it's like an act of
service for them, it's theirlove language, even though she'd
probably say like heck, it'snot his love language.
You know he's a real pain.
He keeps asking me, but reallyit's for him.
Yeah, that she was actuallycome, even if she was saying,
you know, annoyed and that, butshe would actually come for him.
(12:00):
It was probably important,important.
It was probably like hershowing love for him.
That's why I suggested thatmaybe she, you know, you can
have more quality time, go ondate night, do things together.
Well, yeah, I mean it is nice.
Like me, sometimes I can't getthe TV remote to work, so I call
my husband.
I mean I could figure it out.
(12:20):
In the end it's annoying me now.
I think it's because the TV'sold.
It's really old, but it's anold smart TV.
But I mean it doesn't connectto Netflix very well and it gets
, but he's got these two remotes.
That's like his domain though,isn't it?
Yeah, because it's like andhe'll come and I'll call him,
and he feels like Does he likeit?
When you call him, I think hedoes kind of, because he says,
(12:43):
all right, I'm coming, and thenhe kind of does, and then I
always say, oh, thank God, youknow, thank goodness you fixed
it.
You can only do this I.
But, you know, give him a lotof satisfaction, probably
thinking about if I would givehim a kiss and a cuddle and
thank you, my darling, forsaving the world.
Yeah, but he used to do thatmore with me, like, if he wanted
(13:05):
, like internet on, he wouldalways call me.
I can't.
The matches are working likeyeah, so he would.
Yeah, but anyway, I don, Ithink if it's a cutie thing and
you like doing it, I think it'skind of cute.
Yeah, yeah, you like doingthings for each other, that's
fine.
I mean, I was getting my husbandwas telling me to do something
the other day and I said that'sa man's joke, a man's job.
(13:27):
Yeah, what do we want men for?
And then he said obviously wasa joke, because I could.
It was something I could easilydo as well.
But I was saying you do it.
Was it like bringing the woodin or something?
Well, it could have been,because that was one of them,
but he was tired because he'sdoing the bathroom but, um, he's
renovating the bathroom at theminute.
So it might have been that hewas tired and it's something he
(13:48):
didn't particularly want to do.
But I didn't want to do iteither, so I got him to do it.
But I think, yeah, that's thepoint, the communication.
But I think behind it it's it's.
It's not just what we say, it'swhat's behind it.
Yes, it's like when you seethese skits, when you you see
these skits on this instagram,saying like when a woman says
(14:09):
she's fine, it means that she'snever really fine.
There's always something behindit.
You know, you get these kind ofI was gonna say like
stereotypes stereotypical,because that's not just women
that do that, that's men as well.
Exactly, men do it as well.
But a lot of people say, no,don't worry, I'm fine, I don't
(14:30):
want you to help me.
And then you know they'll holda grudge after yes, and then
they feel vulnerable.
I, I, they're frightened ofbeing vulnerable and saying, no,
I do want you to help me.
Yeah, there's a lot of the timethere's that fear of opening up
and being vulnerable.
You know, I think men haveharder time.
Mm-hmm, like if you have to goto, because there's some people.
(14:55):
I remember I was thinking of aclient of ours a long time ago
and she was saying that she wasso like a strong-minded and like
independent that she reallystruggled with with being in a
relationship with a man becauseshe says she really found it
hard to even, you know, if hewanted to do something for her.
She would feel like, oh no, letme do it kind of thing she
(15:16):
wasn't used to it.
Yeah, be more efficient.
And this would, this would makeher like not be, not be in
relationships for that long.
She would break up with a lotof her, her partners, because
they, they didn't like it,because they wanted, like they
wanted to see like a bit ofvulnerability, they wanted to
feel kind of useful and shedidn't.
You said I wish, no.
(15:38):
My husband will be thinking, oh, she's certainly.
She sounds amazing.
Yeah, no, because I always makehim drive.
But, like the other day, he wassaying when, what the hell, why
can't you drive?
And I was saying, well, youdrive, come on, you know.
So I certainly certainly makehim feel useful to me.
(16:00):
It's like I, I would like, butI can.
I can say things like that.
Like if I have a hospital visit, for example, I'll say no, I
don't want to go on my own, no,I'm scared, I, I'm scared, I.
I never really know whatthey're going to say to me.
I am, am not going on my own.
So I'll just say that no, I'mnot going on my own.
Why?
Because I'm scared.
But some people that aren't asconfident as you and aren't
(16:22):
therapists, they say that'ssilly, yes, why no?
They might say okay,vulnerability, and they would go
and cry in the bathroom ontheir own and then go on their
own and then then feel liketheir partner didn't really care
(16:42):
.
Support them, yes.
So it's important to just sayit, because sometimes your
partner doesn't understand thehidden message and they don't
realize.
They don't realize it's likeyou.
You know your mom like classicalbecause I'm saying this because
that's what our mom used to sayto us you never come and visit
us, even though, of your letter,I actually lived upstairs, but
(17:03):
literally it was always you knowthis moaning and and it could
seem like moaning, but at thesame time, what was it?
She was lonely.
Well, yeah, she was.
The only thing is that there'sthere's also so much you can
take, because I used to say if Igo and visit her for an hour a
day, she'll want two hours a dayor three hours.
Yes, I know, that was when shewas very, very elderly, when she
(17:26):
was elderly.
So you also have to kind of knowyes, you can give, but you have
to set boundaries as well,because otherwise you end up, oh
no, you definitely have to setboundaries, but you can also be
comprehensive.
Yeah, and understand.
Yeah, don't get angry over itor bitter.
(17:46):
Just think okay, they're,they're elderly, yes, they're
lonely, it is a time of yourlife when you feel that you
can't do as many things as youcould do.
Perhaps you can't drive anymore.
You feel like more.
You feel more vulnerable,vulnerable.
Yes, you're a vulnerable timein your life maybe health,
whatever and so you become you.
You become more dependent onothers let's put it that way.
(18:08):
But of course other people thefamily members and friends have
to also take.
You know you have to look afteryourself, but, yeah, definitely
, I think a lot of the times wehave to realize what is being
said.
Like if a friend shouts at youand say, well, you didn't phone
me last week, or why didn't youcome with me?
You never come out for drinksanymore.
Perhaps there's reasons whythey're getting so irate.
(18:32):
It's because they miss you,they want to talk with you.
It's not just because they wantto go out and have that drink.
No, there's a lot.
There's a lot.
Sometimes people just don't say,hey, I miss you.
Yes, I really miss talking withyou.
I, I, I'm lonely.
People don't.
You know.
They don't say that.
They'll say millions of other.
(18:53):
Yeah, and sometimes they'll sayaccusatory things like that yes
, most of the time it's so.
You go on the defense and say,look, I don't need you.
I don't need you, you know, getlost.
If you're going to be mean tome, I'm not coming, and then you
end up losing Something that'sreally precious.
That is precious, yeah.
(19:18):
So you've got to, you know,you've got to understand that
this communication it's not whatis said, it is often what is
unsaid.
What is unsaid, yes, you are soright.
It is often what is unsaid,what is behind the words.
That you have to be, you haveto think about sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, definitely, andit's a skill you can hone into
as well by just being more of anactive listener.
(19:39):
So, don't talk so much andlisten more, listen more.
See what they're doing as well.
Do like what Yudhka says putyour tongue on the top of your
mouth, yeah.
Keep your face in a restingposition, yeah, and take a deep
breath and just listen and thenmaybe say at the end, say, yeah,
I know I love you and I reallycare about you and, you know,
(20:00):
share some love with that person.
Yeah, seeing you like this isupsetting to me.
I can see this is something youreally care about, you know.
And oh, now my life is going tochange because sometimes you
think sometimes, yes, like thislady with her husband, if she
can, if she's just said to herhusband, instead of getting
annoyed darling, I really loveyou and I can see how this is
(20:21):
really affecting you, the factthat you can't do this.
You feel as if you can't dothis on your own, but I love you
and this is, these are thesteps that you have to take, and
I really love you, darling, andobviously without sounding
condescending.
And then, in the end, you know,I would be almost 100%
(20:43):
convinced that the hubby wouldsay don't worry, you know I'll
be able to do it.
Yeah, I've got this.
I've understood it, perhapswith a little bit, because,
obviously, if this lady whoeverthis lady is but if she storms
in and said, god, like you'reuseless, give it to me.
And they just take the tabletaway or the phone away or
something that the otherperson's not going to be able to
(21:04):
learn, if you sit next to themsaying, look, this is how you do
it.
Look, can you see there's thislittle tab and you click on it
and you let them do it, you letthem do it it, and then they do
it once and they get some stepswrong and then they do it again,
and that's how we all learn,isn't it?
Yeah, by the third time, by thethird time, two times, a child.
(21:25):
Yeah, next time you sit next tothem and say, hey, look, this
is how you do it, do youremember?
I remember that's how yourdaughter was teaching us at
first.
Do you remember?
Yes, she did a long time ago, along time ago, when we were.
She'll say Mum.
She'll say Mum, it's all thatlong ago.
No, it was a long it was.
It was like 15 years ago orsomething.
Yeah, I know, it was ages ago.
(21:47):
I mean, we didn't even know.
Now we're super techie.
Well, I don't feel as if I'mthat techie, but you feel as if
you're with it.
You can use the phone and thecomputer and everything.
Come on, yeah, you can doeverything you need to do on
(22:13):
your device.
Well, yes, I mean.
Yeah, I don't do that much onit.
No, but yeah, more or less,more or less.
Yeah, open a document, atransformer, pdf, I can do
certain things.
Yeah, you can do a lot morethan you think, probably.
(22:34):
Yeah, and if I don't know howto do, I know how to research
how to do it exactly, which Ithink is really that's also what
the lady was saying why can'the just look it up, but go on
youtube, look up a video?
Yes, exactly, but he obviouslydidn't want to because really he
wanted the human connection ofhaving his wife do it and yes,
or having his wife next to himor something.
(22:54):
If he's calling her, callinginto the room every five minutes
, it's tedious.
So there's a reason, yeah, fortedious.
Yeah, that's why I said shouldbe.
You know, there has to be otheroutlets if you're finding that
there's a person in your lifethat's constantly, like, always
(23:14):
needs your attention, attention,just, you know, go and find out
what's really going on.
Yeah, what's really going on,absolutely yeah, it's like the
child that's always pulling onthe skirt Mommy, mommy, there's
obviously there's somethinggoing on, isn't there?
There's boredom, there'sloneliness, not enough
interaction.
There's something going on,because if you see the child
(23:41):
when they're happily playingwith other children, they're
perfectly engrossed in their ownworlds and having a wonderful
time.
They're certainly not coming.
No, they're asking for yourattention.
They're always saying oh, mygod, no, five more minutes, let
us play five more minutes.
So you know well, let us knowwhat you think.
Does communication come indifferent forms?
Do you find that you're oftenlike shouting back at someone or
(24:03):
feeling very like edgy withthem.
Maybe, you know, take a stepback and just think, hey, maybe
something going on in thatperson's life, yeah, you know,
they could also be in pain, or alot of people have pain
physical, mental pain.
Yes, absolutely so.
Come and say hi on instagram orfacebook or wherever you like
(24:27):
linkedin, and also come and seethe video on youtube, which is
video of us sitting here on thecity at Jukka's house.
Love and smiles from theEnglish Sisters.
Bye for now.
You know how sometimes we're trying to say
something to someone else andthey say look, you're not
getting it, you're not listening, you're not understanding,
you're not getting it.
Yeah, sometimes it is becausecommunication does come in so
many different forms as to saythat we misinterpret often or
(00:22):
we're actually both saying thesame thing, but we're not
understanding each other.
Yeah, and we're not like whatyou would say, clicking or
vibing, you're not on the samebrain wave, but really it's
because you're not communicatingthe same way the other person
is, and that is what we're goingto be talking about in this
(00:42):
week's episode of Get Real Withthe English Sisters.
Is what we're going to betalking about in this week's
episode of get real with theenglish sisters.
I mean, we communicate.
Some people say I feel you.
Some people say I hear whatyou're saying.
We have in our bodies, we havethese representative systems
that you know are either throughtouch or hearing, or feeling or
(01:06):
feeling.
Yeah.
So sometimes we're saying I, Ihear you, but if that other, if
the person isn't like a personthat you know that he is, that's
auditory.
Yes, as we say, they're notgoing to get you where, they're
not going to understand whatyou're saying, whereas if you
say I really feel what you'regoing through, oh, you mean by
(01:27):
using certain words, yes, well,the language we use affects
people in different ways.
Absolutely, I was thinking aboutmy husband and his brother the
other day.
Yeah, they both started talking.
Basically, they were bothsaying the same thing, but they
were started raising theirvoices because both of them
thought that the other one wassaying something else, and they
(01:50):
were, basically, I could see it,for, as you know, I was just
listening as an outsider and Iwas thinking what they're both?
They're both basically on thesame page.
What's going on here?
They're agreeing, and they were, in the end, they started
getting louder and louder, youknow, and in the end, they
started getting louder andlouder, you know, and in the end
, they were just literallybarking at each other and I
(02:10):
thought what on earth you'reboth saying the same thing.
Hang on a second, you know.
Take a moment to, you know, tochill, sit down again.
Because they both stood up.
I did and I thought, you know,my husband was about to leave,
because they were in the officeenvironment, he was about to
leave, and I thought, oh my gosh, I stayed seated.
Yeah, so as to my communicationwas yes, look, I'm still
(02:33):
sitting here even though you'vegot.
I'm supposed to be going withyou in the car because we had
one car, but I just stayedseated so that he could
understand that.
I think you know things wereokay and I really wanted them to
sort it out.
Whatever it was, it was aboutbusiness this time, but they
were both saying the same thing.
(02:53):
It's shocking, isn't it?
Just in different ways, yes,and it was shocking how many of
the times this can actuallyhappen when you're both saying
the same thing.
This can happen in you knowrelationships as well.
You just really both of you arebasically saying the same thing
.
It's like you say you're notlistening to me, but at the same
(03:16):
time, the other person thinksthat you're not listening to
them.
So there, do you understand?
Yes, you're not listening toeach other, you're not hearing,
you're not feeling me.
But I think that if sometimes aswell, when you start getting
agitated or like a little irateor angry, it can stop you
(03:40):
actually hearing what the otherperson's actually saying.
Yes, so you actually go like onyour own little soapbox without
realizing what the other personis trying to tell you.
So sometimes, if you just takea deep breath and you just say,
okay, I'm just going to listento that person for five minutes
and see what they have to sayand then I'll talk.
Do you know what I do?
Sometimes, if I really want totalk and I'm really quite
(04:01):
agitated, I actually put mytongue on the top of my of my
mouth and and then it sort oflike quietens me.
I think you're saying bite it?
No, no, I don't bite it, I justmake sure that my tongue
touches the roof of my mouth.
That's what I want the roof andthen I just like stay quiet.
Yes, it quietens you.
(04:22):
I don't want it to quiet me nowbecause I'm doing a verbal
podcast, but you know, but ifyou try it, you know, you just
actually touch the roof.
You know, then I can sort of bequiet and and calm down in a
way and listen.
I think that's where theexpression tongue tied does it.
(04:43):
I think tongue tied means yourtongue is tied up and you can't
express yourself.
Yeah, in this case, you know,you're like I just do this as a
little trick and it helps me.
It is a trick.
It is a trick that's veryuseful.
When I started doing it is whenyou said you talk too much with
the kids.
Yeah, because with the kids Iwas always trying to like over
(05:05):
or justify or over explainthings.
And I remember Violetta said tome one day you know, hey, you
know they get it, you know youdon't have to explain it so much
or justify why you want them todo something.
I can't remember what it wasabout now, usually silly things,
but anyway, and I would tend toover.
And you said do that, yes, andnow it's a good trip, it's a
(05:30):
good tip, because when you dothat also, it calms your
sympathetic nervous system.
So you go into parasympathetic,which is the calming one.
Yeah, so it calms you rightdown.
Um, so you're obviously gonnagive off, like, by being calm.
(05:51):
In that meeting I was the calmone and I think because his
brother was staring at him andlike, oh, literally, you know,
there was, there was rage goingon.
They were both feeling as ifthey weren't being understood.
They were both feeling as ifthey weren't being understood,
both feeling as if each one wasattacking, attacking the other
one.
You haven't done this and youhaven't.
What about you?
(06:12):
You said you were going to dothis, blah, blah, blah.
And so in the end, yeah, Imanaged to just sit down.
I I I thought, my goodness me,you know you're not
understanding each other at allhere.
No, and ultimately you loveeach other so much.
Stop this.
I thought you know you're both,you're both, you treasure each
other.
Yeah, this is, but I could seeit like a fly flying around that
(06:35):
they couldn't see it at thatmoment in time.
I think it's important to noticethat sometimes we get into
these traps that we just repeatso with, especially with, a
certain person.
So you're, you always go on thedefensive straight away instead
of actually listening to thatperson and you're ready to like
kind of bite back and shout backor whatever, and that this does
(06:58):
happen a lot in long-termrelationships, doesn't it?
Absolutely, yes, you have tothink, maybe.
You have to think.
Well, if it was someone Ididn't know, would I treat them
like this?
Would I be so on the defensiveif I had never heard this person
speaking before?
You know, maybe I wouldactually listen to see what
they're going to say, whereas alot of the time we just, we just
(07:19):
mind read that we know whatthey're going to say.
Interrupt them.
We think we know, yes, and yes,we think we know.
We think we know, especiallywith our loved ones, we just
take it for granted oh, I knowwhat you're going to tell me and
oh, blah, blah, blah.
And you ignore them and you'renot respectful, really, of what
they're actually saying orsometimes you're misinterpreting
(07:39):
what they're saying.
Like if your mum says to you oh, you never come and see me, you
never come and see me, and whenyou do come, it's like for five
minutes.
What is she really saying toyou?
What is she really sayingbehind those words?
She's probably saying she'sfeeling lonely.
Yeah, you know she misses humanconnection and she needs for
(08:00):
you to show that you love her.
Yeah, maybe if you can't gothat often, but when you do go,
you give her a really big, longhug or make her feel calm.
Do you know?
These are things that peoplethey say one thing, but really
they're meaning another thing,and so this is where
communication you have to be alittle bit sort of intuitive.
Yes, you have to try and figureout what are they really saying
(08:23):
to me?
Yeah, the other day I wasreading on reddit.
This lady was saying that, um,that her husband always asks her
to help her with everything, soas soon as he's got like a
technological thing to do or abill to pay or something to do
with, like the phone or thecomputer.
He just, she said, he likepretends he doesn't know how to
(08:45):
do it and he just always, like,relies on her, dependent on me.
So he's always like botheringme throughout the day, saying
come and help me with this, comeand help me.
No, you're better at it than Iam.
She actually used those words.
You know you can do it better,really, and I suggested as a
therapist.
I said, maybe you know,underneath all of that there's
(09:08):
the need for you to actuallyconnect on a deeper level.
Maybe, like you know, maybe youcan try going on date nights or
repeating that you love him.
Yeah, so you think that he wasin another context, because he's
, I think he's like it's alsolike a cry of attention for her
attention.
Yes, even if she gets iratewith him or whatever, but she's
(09:31):
still doing something with himfor him.
Yes, exactly, they're stilldoing something together kind of
well.
He's still getting herattention, but maybe it's not.
It's not the way that she wouldlike to give that attention,
not at all.
And she's, she's thinking he'sa, you know, blinking pain in
there, whatever, yeah, and andhe's probably, and he's probably
(09:52):
like craving her attention.
You know, and a lot of people inthe comments said, yeah, but
you don't want another thirdchild.
Your husband sounds like achild, you know he's.
He's not you, you, you, youneed a husband.
But you know, some people didwrite well, you know, what does
he do for you.
I'm sure he does other thingsfor you as well that you don't
(10:12):
do.
And it's true, you know,relationships are a bit like
that.
They're a bit like, you know,you help each other.
But I think the fact that it wasreally getting on her nerves,
that she, she needed to addressit there.
She needs to address it in adifferent way and really say,
hey, what's really going on?
Yeah, you know, maybe he wasmissing her or he felt insecure
(10:33):
about that's what I mean.
It's like when you, like I gavethe example of the mum nagging,
saying you never come, orwhatever, there's another
meaning behind that.
There really always is ameaning, there always is, yeah,
there always is.
And maybe by him constantlyasking her can you help me with
this email?
I don't know what it was, butWell, yeah, it was with anything
(10:53):
that had to do with technology.
Basically, yeah, they were intheir 50s.
So I mean, they were, they werein their 50s but, yeah, there
are some young people thatreally rely on it in the same
way.
So, okay, he was still quiterelatively young to be in his
50s.
He's not like in his 90s.
I don't think he thought he wasthat young anymore.
Yeah, no, I know, obviouslyhe's not that young, he's in his
(11:18):
50s but yes, but he didn't feelas if he could.
He was obviously up with thetechnology.
You know lots of people saying,well, get him to take a course,
right.
Yeah, I don't really think thatwas a real issue.
I think, underlining when yourhusband or someone keeps saying
come over, come and help me withthis, it's because they really
they want to be next year, theywant you to be there for them,
(11:38):
they want you to show that theirlove yeah, it's like an act of
service for them, it's theirlove language, even though she'd
probably say like heck, it'snot his love language.
You know he's a real pain.
He keeps asking me, but reallyit's for him.
Yeah, that she was actuallycome, even if she was saying,
you know, annoyed and that, butshe would actually come for him.
(12:00):
It was probably important,important.
It was probably like hershowing love for him.
That's why I suggested thatmaybe she, you know, you can
have more quality time, go ondate night, do things together.
Well, yeah, I mean it is nice.
Like me, sometimes I can't getthe TV remote to work, so I call
my husband.
I mean I could figure it out.
(12:20):
In the end it's annoying me now.
I think it's because the TV'sold.
It's really old, but it's anold smart TV.
But I mean it doesn't connectto Netflix very well and it gets
, but he's got these two remotes.
That's like his domain though,isn't it?
Yeah, because it's like andhe'll come and I'll call him,
and he feels like Does he likeit?
When you call him, I think hedoes kind of, because he says,
(12:43):
all right, I'm coming, and thenhe kind of does, and then I
always say, oh, thank God, youknow, thank goodness you fixed
it.
You can only do this I.
But, you know, give him a lotof satisfaction, probably
thinking about if I would givehim a kiss and a cuddle and
thank you, my darling, forsaving the world.
Yeah, but he used to do thatmore with me, like, if he wanted
(13:05):
, like internet on, he wouldalways call me.
I can't.
The matches are working likeyeah, so he would.
Yeah, but anyway, I don, Ithink if it's a cutie thing and
you like doing it, I think it'skind of cute.
Yeah, yeah, you like doingthings for each other, that's
fine.
I mean, I was getting my husbandwas telling me to do something
the other day and I said that'sa man's joke, a man's job.
(13:27):
Yeah, what do we want men for?
And then he said obviously wasa joke, because I could.
It was something I could easilydo as well.
But I was saying you do it.
Was it like bringing the woodin or something?
Well, it could have been,because that was one of them,
but he was tired because he'sdoing the bathroom but, um, he's
renovating the bathroom at theminute.
So it might have been that hewas tired and it's something he
(13:48):
didn't particularly want to do.
But I didn't want to do iteither, so I got him to do it.
But I think, yeah, that's thepoint, the communication.
But I think behind it it's it's.
It's not just what we say, it'swhat's behind it.
Yes, it's like when you seethese skits, when you you see
these skits on this instagram,saying like when a woman says
(14:09):
she's fine, it means that she'snever really fine.
There's always something behindit.
You know, you get these kind ofI was gonna say like
stereotypes stereotypical,because that's not just women
that do that, that's men as well.
Exactly, men do it as well.
But a lot of people say, no,don't worry, I'm fine, I don't
(14:30):
want you to help me.
And then you know they'll holda grudge after yes, and then
they feel vulnerable.
I, I, they're frightened ofbeing vulnerable and saying, no,
I do want you to help me.
Yeah, there's a lot of the timethere's that fear of opening up
and being vulnerable.
You know, I think men haveharder time.
Mm-hmm, like if you have to goto, because there's some people.
(14:55):
I remember I was thinking of aclient of ours a long time ago
and she was saying that she wasso like a strong-minded and like
independent that she reallystruggled with with being in a
relationship with a man becauseshe says she really found it
hard to even, you know, if hewanted to do something for her.
She would feel like, oh no, letme do it kind of thing she
(15:16):
wasn't used to it.
Yeah, be more efficient.
And this would, this would makeher like not be, not be in
relationships for that long.
She would break up with a lotof her, her partners, because
they, they didn't like it,because they wanted, like they
wanted to see like a bit ofvulnerability, they wanted to
feel kind of useful and shedidn't.
You said I wish, no.
(15:38):
My husband will be thinking, oh, she's certainly.
She sounds amazing.
Yeah, no, because I always makehim drive.
But, like the other day, he wassaying when, what the hell, why
can't you drive?
And I was saying, well, youdrive, come on, you know.
So I certainly certainly makehim feel useful to me.
(16:00):
It's like I, I would like, butI can.
I can say things like that.
Like if I have a hospital visit, for example, I'll say no, I
don't want to go on my own, no,I'm scared, I, I'm scared, I.
I never really know whatthey're going to say to me.
I am, am not going on my own.
So I'll just say that no, I'mnot going on my own.
Why?
Because I'm scared.
But some people that aren't asconfident as you and aren't
(16:22):
therapists, they say that'ssilly, yes, why no?
They might say okay,vulnerability, and they would go
and cry in the bathroom ontheir own and then go on their
own and then then feel liketheir partner didn't really care
(16:42):
.
Support them, yes.
So it's important to just sayit, because sometimes your
partner doesn't understand thehidden message and they don't
realize.
They don't realize it's likeyou.
You know your mom like classicalbecause I'm saying this because
that's what our mom used to sayto us you never come and visit
us, even though, of your letter,I actually lived upstairs, but
(17:03):
literally it was always you knowthis moaning and and it could
seem like moaning, but at thesame time, what was it?
She was lonely.
Well, yeah, she was.
The only thing is that there'sthere's also so much you can
take, because I used to say if Igo and visit her for an hour a
day, she'll want two hours a dayor three hours.
Yes, I know, that was when shewas very, very elderly, when she
(17:26):
was elderly.
So you also have to kind of knowyes, you can give, but you have
to set boundaries as well,because otherwise you end up, oh
no, you definitely have to setboundaries, but you can also be
comprehensive.
Yeah, and understand.
Yeah, don't get angry over itor bitter.
(17:46):
Just think okay, they're,they're elderly, yes, they're
lonely, it is a time of yourlife when you feel that you
can't do as many things as youcould do.
Perhaps you can't drive anymore.
You feel like more.
You feel more vulnerable,vulnerable.
Yes, you're a vulnerable timein your life maybe health,
whatever and so you become you.
You become more dependent onothers let's put it that way.
(18:08):
But of course other people thefamily members and friends have
to also take.
You know you have to look afteryourself, but, yeah, definitely
, I think a lot of the times wehave to realize what is being
said.
Like if a friend shouts at youand say, well, you didn't phone
me last week, or why didn't youcome with me?
You never come out for drinksanymore.
Perhaps there's reasons whythey're getting so irate.
(18:32):
It's because they miss you,they want to talk with you.
It's not just because they wantto go out and have that drink.
No, there's a lot.
There's a lot.
Sometimes people just don't say,hey, I miss you.
Yes, I really miss talking withyou.
I, I, I'm lonely.
People don't.
You know.
They don't say that.
They'll say millions of other.
(18:53):
Yeah, and sometimes they'll sayaccusatory things like that yes
, most of the time it's so.
You go on the defense and say,look, I don't need you.
I don't need you, you know, getlost.
If you're going to be mean tome, I'm not coming, and then you
end up losing Something that'sreally precious.
That is precious, yeah.
(19:18):
So you've got to, you know,you've got to understand that
this communication it's not whatis said, it is often what is
unsaid.
What is unsaid, yes, you are soright.
It is often what is unsaid,what is behind the words.
That you have to be, you haveto think about sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, definitely, andit's a skill you can hone into
as well by just being more of anactive listener.
(19:39):
So, don't talk so much andlisten more, listen more.
See what they're doing as well.
Do like what Yudhka says putyour tongue on the top of your
mouth, yeah.
Keep your face in a restingposition, yeah, and take a deep
breath and just listen and thenmaybe say at the end, say, yeah,
I know I love you and I reallycare about you and, you know,
(20:00):
share some love with that person.
Yeah, seeing you like this isupsetting to me.
I can see this is something youreally care about, you know.
And oh, now my life is going tochange because sometimes you
think sometimes, yes, like thislady with her husband, if she
can, if she's just said to herhusband, instead of getting
annoyed darling, I really loveyou and I can see how this is
(20:21):
really affecting you, the factthat you can't do this.
You feel as if you can't dothis on your own, but I love you
and this is, these are thesteps that you have to take, and
I really love you, darling, andobviously without sounding
condescending.
And then, in the end, you know,I would be almost 100%
(20:43):
convinced that the hubby wouldsay don't worry, you know I'll
be able to do it.
Yeah, I've got this.
I've understood it, perhapswith a little bit, because,
obviously, if this lady whoeverthis lady is but if she storms
in and said, god, like you'reuseless, give it to me.
And they just take the tabletaway or the phone away or
something that the otherperson's not going to be able to
(21:04):
learn, if you sit next to themsaying, look, this is how you do
it.
Look, can you see there's thislittle tab and you click on it
and you let them do it, you letthem do it it, and then they do
it once and they get some stepswrong and then they do it again,
and that's how we all learn,isn't it?
Yeah, by the third time, by thethird time, two times, a child.
(21:25):
Yeah, next time you sit next tothem and say, hey, look, this
is how you do it, do youremember?
I remember that's how yourdaughter was teaching us at
first.
Do you remember?
Yes, she did a long time ago, along time ago, when we were.
She'll say Mum.
She'll say Mum, it's all thatlong ago.
No, it was a long it was.
It was like 15 years ago orsomething.
Yeah, I know, it was ages ago.
(21:47):
I mean, we didn't even know.
Now we're super techie.
Well, I don't feel as if I'mthat techie, but you feel as if
you're with it.
You can use the phone and thecomputer and everything.
Come on, yeah, you can doeverything you need to do on
(22:13):
your device.
Well, yes, I mean.
Yeah, I don't do that much onit.
No, but yeah, more or less,more or less.
Yeah, open a document, atransformer, pdf, I can do
certain things.
Yeah, you can do a lot morethan you think, probably.
(22:34):
Yeah, and if I don't know howto do, I know how to research
how to do it exactly, which Ithink is really that's also what
the lady was saying why can'the just look it up, but go on
youtube, look up a video?
Yes, exactly, but he obviouslydidn't want to because really he
wanted the human connection ofhaving his wife do it and yes,
or having his wife next to himor something.
(22:54):
If he's calling her, callinginto the room every five minutes
, it's tedious.
So there's a reason, yeah, fortedious.
Yeah, that's why I said shouldbe.
You know, there has to be otheroutlets if you're finding that
there's a person in your lifethat's constantly, like, always
(23:14):
needs your attention, attention,just, you know, go and find out
what's really going on.
Yeah, what's really going on,absolutely yeah, it's like the
child that's always pulling onthe skirt Mommy, mommy, there's
obviously there's somethinggoing on, isn't there?
There's boredom, there'sloneliness, not enough
interaction.
There's something going on,because if you see the child
(23:41):
when they're happily playingwith other children, they're
perfectly engrossed in their ownworlds and having a wonderful
time.
They're certainly not coming.
No, they're asking for yourattention.
They're always saying oh, mygod, no, five more minutes, let
us play five more minutes.
So you know well, let us knowwhat you think.
Does communication come indifferent forms?
Do you find that you're oftenlike shouting back at someone or
(24:03):
feeling very like edgy withthem.
Maybe, you know, take a stepback and just think, hey, maybe
something going on in thatperson's life, yeah, you know,
they could also be in pain, or alot of people have pain
physical, mental pain.
Yes, absolutely so.
Come and say hi on instagram orfacebook or wherever you like
(24:27):
linkedin, and also come and seethe video on youtube, which is
video of us sitting here on thecity at Jukka's house.
Love and smiles from theEnglish Sisters.
Bye for now.
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