August 27, 2023 • 35 mins
Celebrating a year of the Lift the Shame podcast, I, Crystal, am thrilled to take another lap around the sun with you as we tackle one of parenting's most intriguing dilemmas - picky eating. Have you ever felt like you're running in circles when it comes to feeding your little one? Trust me, you're not alone. Drawing from my personal journey in feeding my two selective eaters, we'll discuss various aspects of picky eating, from its emotional tug of war to its potential triggers.
Who would've thought that making meals fun could amplify feeding difficulties? A recent study suggests so! Treading lightly on this path, we navigate the stress surrounding a picky eater's weight, nutrition, and health, offering solace and strategies to wriggle out of the anxiety. Remember, it's okay to be worried, but let's channel that concern into understanding and helping our little ones develop healthy eating habits.
But be wary, moms, as we delve into the potential pitfalls of wielding nutrition info as a feeding stick. Respect your child's autonomy, let them explore at their own pace, and avoid making meal times a battleground. The feeding relationship is a delicate one, and your trust can make all the difference. So join me, as we shed the shame, embrace our mistakes, and journey towards fostering a healthier relationship with food for our children.
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand we have been doing a mini
(00:43):
series on picky eating, and sowe're continuing that today.
But before we get started inour episode, I just wanted to
share an exciting milestonearound here.
Lift the Shame podcast hasreached our one year anniversary
, which is incredible andpossible because of you.
So I just wanted to say thankyou for tuning in.
(01:04):
Whether you have been listeningsince the very beginning or
you're just getting into thiscommunity, I just want to
acknowledge how much Iappreciate you and your support.
So thank you so much, and I'dlove to hear from you.
This podcast.
This platform is for you, andif there are ways I can better
serve you through this show, Iwould love to hear your feedback
(01:25):
, and you're always welcome toconnect with me via email Hello
at CrystalCargiscom.
And if this show has beenhelpful for you, I would
appreciate your consideration towrite and review the podcast,
as this helps other parents beable to connect with this
resource as well.
So thank you so much in advancefor your help with that.
So let's dive into today's topic.
(01:46):
We're continuing the subject ofpicky eating, and this can be a
really challenging area for alot of parents.
Regardless of what your historyhas been, what your background
has been, picky eating can betough.
There's a lot of layersinvolved, and so I'm hoping that
we can talk more through thisto empower you with some tools
to better support the kiddos inyour life who may be more
(02:08):
selective eaters, and the pastcouple of weeks we looked at
some common myths surroundingpicky eating, and today I just
want to share, from personalexperience, some of the mistakes
that I have made as a parent ofselective eaters, so that you
might be able to learn from andavoid my own mistakes and I'm
(02:28):
all about learning and growing,especially on this show, and
when I talk about mistakes, it'snot coming from a place of
shaming whatsoever.
I think it's valuable to be ableto learn from our lives and
from our experiences and knowingthat we've been doing the best
that we can with the informationand resources that we have.
And when we learn differently,we can do differently, and this
(02:52):
is a huge part in terms ofshifting out of negative cycles
around food and body image inour families.
When we take the time to learnabout our histories, our food
stories, our legacies, it allowsus to be able to pivot and
rewrite those legacies.
And so I just wanted to prefacewith that, because I know the
word mistake can have a lot ofnegative connotations to it, and
(03:13):
I just want to remind you thatthis is a safe place to just
learn and explore, and a lot ofthis again is coming from my own
lived experience of having twokiddos who are selective eaters.
So let's dive in.
I wanted to just remind you thatthere's a lot of emotion and
often triggers wrapped up inpicky eating, and in fact we're
(03:35):
going to be looking at why pickyeating can be so triggering in
upcoming episodes.
We really can feel like salt inthe wound, so to say.
There are so many things aroundpicky eating that can be
painful reminders of maybe yourown food story or any
surrounding trauma that may havebeen around food or your body,
either for yourself or for yourchild.
(03:56):
And in my case, my seconddaughter, who is now 11 years
old, was born as a late pretermand we had so many feeding
difficulties in the onset of ourjourney and our relationship
together and that really made itdifficult for me to trust her
body and for me to be able torelax when it came to how she
(04:18):
ate or how much she ate, and Ireally found this escalating
over the course of her earlychildhood.
And so a lot of these thingsthat I'm sharing today are
coming from those early yearswith my daughter and things I
experienced with her, and I justwant to remind you that if you
find yourself feeling anxious orworried around your child and
(04:39):
how they're eating, there'slikely really good reasons
behind it, and at the end of theday, you just care about your
child.
You want them to be able to behealthy and happy and being able
to engage in their lives in ameaningful way, and oftentimes,
when it comes to selectiveeating and we see that our kids
aren't eating, or maybe noteating the variety of foods that
(05:00):
we think they should be eating,or eating very limited
quantities, or we're hearingthings from providers
questioning or worrying abouttheir weight or nutrition status
, or we're just gettingbombarded with all these ideas
about how our kids should beeating.
These things can make it reallychallenging to trust our kids,
and this is definitely a pictureof what I experienced with my
(05:22):
daughter and having a pretermbaby, where we went through a
period of her having to havefrequent weight checks and weigh
how much milk she wastransferring.
It felt like I had to measureevery single ounce of milk that
she was getting into her bodyand being told that I had to
wake her up because I couldn'ttrust her to wake herself up to
(05:43):
eat.
All those things really hauntedme for years of her life and it
made it really challenging forme to relinquish that sense of
control or urgency, like I haveto be responsible for caring for
her when it came to how she ate, and it made it really hard for
me to extend trust to her andour feeding relationship.
(06:03):
And she did grow up to havemore sensory sensitivities and
be very selective with food, andso when she started eating
solids, this is where I foundmyself in this power struggle
with her and trying differentthings and engaging in
strategies that had goodintention behind them but
ultimately were creating moreharm than good.
And at the same time, I was alsoin my training to become a
(06:26):
dietitian and just delving intothe world of child feeding, and
so there was a lot of things Ididn't know yet that I do now,
and it was really a hardlearning experience for me to
try some of these things andrecognize, hey, this isn't
working, it's actually making itharder or mealtimes feel so
stressful, and I don't thinkthat that is how this is
supposed to go in order tosupport my daughter towards the
(06:50):
longterm goal of having apositive relationship with food,
and really those are the bigoverarching things that we want
to be working towards.
And when we get stuck in theminutiae of what our kids are
eating or how much they'reeating, or did they get enough
bites of veggies in them, it canbe really hard to do that and
it can be really hard to trustthat.
But what I want you to see isif you have done any of these
(07:13):
things that I'm about to shareor find yourself in that same
boat where you're anxious orworried or feel nervous about
how your child is eating, ormaybe feel like you can't trust
them to eat what they need.
I just want to remind you thatyou're not alone and there's a
lot of reasons that are likelyinfluencing the way you feel,
and none of which are bad.
You're an amazing parentbecause you care so deeply about
(07:36):
your child and you want to bestsupport them, and it's possible
to help.
Even our pickiest eaters stillhave a great relationship with
food.
So all that to say, I wanted toshare again, just from my
firsthand lived experience,mistakes that I have made when
it came to my daughter, and myhope is that this might be
things that you can take awayand learn from yourself, because
(07:59):
they're very common things thatI think we engage in.
They're oftentimes more subtlethan some of the other methods
that we hear when it comes tofeeding pick eaters, and I think
that's one of the tricky thingsabout it is that these are
often things that we're hearingis being promoted that should
help your picky eater, get yourpicky eater to try new foods,
(08:19):
and we all want that for ourkids because diet culture again
has created this idea of whatour kids need in order to be
healthy.
That often entails a lot ofstrategies that don't support
their innate intuitive eatingability, so we want to be
careful with that.
But the first one I wanted toshare here is around the mistake
I made in terms of trying tomake meals fun and interactive
(08:43):
for my picky eater, in hopesthat she would actually eat more
or more of the foods that Ithought she needed to eat, or
try new things.
We definitely went through astage where the few foods she
would eat were primarily starchycarbohydrates, and I remember
just feeling a lot of anxietyand stress around her weight,
around her nutrition, around herhealth status, and it was
(09:07):
really challenging to grapplewith all those things.
And so I remember reading andseeing a lot of things about if
you make your child's food moreplayful, more fun, more
interactive and engaging, youcan get them to actually try or
want to eat some of the foodsthat you're introducing.
And these are things that Ialso hear promoted on various
(09:29):
social media accounts, and,again, I think there's a really
good intention behind it.
But what's interesting is that,as I tried some of these things
with my own daughter, I foundthat it made her more fearful of
coming to the table or shewould see some of these foods in
that sense of like forcingsomething that felt scary to her
to be playful or interactivewas definitely not jiving with
(09:51):
her.
In fact, I found that it madeher more adverse to engaging
with food in general, and thatperiod didn't last very long.
Thankfully.
It took me a hot minute torealize that this strategy is
not working, at least for mykiddo, and so I really backed
off of that one really quick.
But the reason I wanted to bringthis up is there has actually
(10:12):
been a recent study that lookedat this and I will link the
study for you in the show notesif you're interested in reading
this further.
But what was interesting andI'm going to read a quote from
the actual study but researchersnoted that encouraging a child
with a story slash gameunexpectedly increase the
likelihood of feedingdifficulties in school age.
(10:35):
Making the meal a fun andinteractive activity is often
advised.
So basically what they'resaying is parents of picky
eaters are often told orencouraged to make the meal fun,
make it interactive, make itengaging, create dips, create
fun shapes, make a fun story outof it.
But what researchers actuallyfound is that that advice
(10:57):
unexpectedly increased thelikelihood of feeding
difficulties in school age kids.
And why might that be?
Well, I have a few ideas myself, but something that's
interesting to know is that ourchildren are very attuned to our
emotional state as parents thisis something that we've talked
about a lot on this podcast andthey can sense our hidden
(11:19):
agendas, or they can sense ourunderlying anxiety or stress or
worry, and oftentimes, when wefeel like, as parents, that we
should be doing certain thingswhen it comes to feeding our
kids, there's that hidden agendaattached to it, and we're
hoping that it will lead to acertain outcome.
I was trying to think of apractical example that could
(11:41):
help illustrate this, andsomething that came to mind was
as an adult, have you ever feltobligated to go to a certain
event or function, buteverything in you didn't want to
go?
You just wanted to stay at home, stay on the couch, stay in
your comfy pants, watch someNetflix, veg out, but you had to
go to this event or socialfunction or dinner meeting or
(12:04):
whatever it was, and it's thatcontrasting nature of wanting to
do something but forcingyourself to do something else,
and inevitably, especially forthose of us that wear our
emotions on our sleeves.
It's like you can tell whensomeone is somewhere but doesn't
want to be there, at least formost of us, and this can
definitely play out when itcomes to feeding interactions
(12:26):
with our kids.
If you are, let's say, worriedor stressed or feeling like I
have to make this feedinginteraction pleasant and fun and
exciting and interactive inorder to get my kid to eat, but
everything in you is feelingstressed or anxious or worried
or wanting to do anything elsebut sit across from your child
at that table and trying toforce this playful interaction
(12:47):
that isn't coming naturally ordesirably.
Your child is going to pick upon that, and so that is
something to remember.
Is that our kids areexperiencing any negative
emotions rather than theintended playfulness behind your
interactions with the games orthe activity or whatever it is
that you're hoping will supportthem in getting them to eat?
(13:10):
And even if we're not directlysaying I want you to eat this,
they can feel it in ourinteractions with them.
They can feel it when we'retrying to get them to engage
with food in a certain way ortelling them a story about a kid
who ate this or tried a bite ofthis and it was so yummy.
Even though we may not beverbally saying those things,
(13:31):
our interactions are displayinga different message, and so this
is something that I know I'mnot alone in doing or have done
as a parent, where we feel sodesperate in so many ways to
just get our kids to eat or toensure they're getting enough or
getting enough variety, and itbrings up so much conflict
within us and it often forces usto engage with our kids in a
(13:53):
way around food that may notcome naturally, and not only is
it not coming naturally, but ourkids are picking up on the
unspoken messages, the hiddenagendas and the underlying
anxiety or stress that we arefeeling in those situations.
And I remember with my daughtertrying to do subtle things to
just get her to interact withfood, like touching things or
(14:13):
putting things on her tray andhopes that she would touch them,
or, as she got a little bitolder, asking her to scoop
things out on my plate or herplate, and because of that
forced interaction, it actuallymade it more tense and upsetting
to her, and this is somethingthat we see coinciding with the
findings of this research study,which really does suggest that
(14:34):
forcing children to play with ortouch foods that they're
fearful of may actuallyintensify their negative
feelings and resistance towardstrying those foods.
So, again, because of theintentions that are behind it,
it can be really hard andcomplicated, but this really is
important to think about.
What are our hidden agendasattached to any feeding
(14:56):
interactions that we are havingwith our children?
So, really, a takeaway fromthis is that you don't have to
make your meal times into a gameor story or interactive,
especially if you are doing thatin hopes of helping your picky
eater.
Really, the intention behind itshould not be to get your child
to eat, but rather to engagewith your child in a way that
(15:19):
facilitates connection andnatural connection, not forced
connection.
So that is the takeaway.
The other thing to remember,too, is that gradual exposure to
new foods, without pressure,can be more effective.
So we want to respect our kidsautonomy and allow them to
explore foods, whether they'renew, or things they're learning
(15:42):
to eat, at their own pace,rather than forced interactions,
as again, that forcedinteraction can make them more
adverse to those foods.
A second mistake I made with mydaughter and I'm going to share
a couple things in this.
One point is attempting to usehealth and nutrition information
as leverage to get her to eat.
This is very dangerousterritory and something that I
(16:05):
often see promoted on mainstreammedia and health curriculum is
this idea where, if we can usehealth information to
incentivize our kids to eat,they'll be more likely to try
different things if theyunderstand that this is
benefiting their body in someway.
But unfortunately that's notthe case.
And then we're also seeingstudies that show that using or
(16:28):
weaponizing health or nutritioncurriculum to get kids to eat or
try to get them to eat in acertain way, can actually lead
to negative outcomes andpotential anxiety or concerns
about food, which could be atrigger for disordered eating.
This was something I definitelydid with well intention with my
young daughter, who didn't wantto touch vegetables, ate very
(16:50):
few fruits and, again, wasmostly eating starchy
carbohydrates, and in my mindthat just did not equate to good
health or overall nutrition.
And this was also subtle andlooked like saying things like
oh, let's try by to thesecrunchy carrots.
They are so good for our eyes,they help our eyes see.
Or this food is making usstrong, or this food is helping
(17:14):
our bodies grow big and strong,and trying to use that as
incentive or, again, leveragingnutrition information to try to
get her to eat or try differentfoods.
I actually did a whole episodeabout this in terms of if we
want our children to have apositive relationship with food,
we really need to stop usingthe word healthy and, in a
(17:37):
broader perspective, stopweaponizing nutrition or health
information in order to try toinfluence their eating behaviors
.
There's a lot of negativeconsequences around this and I
will link that episode for youin the show notes.
But in general, our children,especially younger children, are
literal thinkers and this meansthat they don't have the
(17:59):
cognitive capacity to understandall the nuances and
complexities around nutritioninformation.
And I also just want todistinguish here that there's a
difference between nutritioninformation and food education.
Those are two separatecategories and we are going to
be talking more about thisbecause I hear this come up a
lot like we should be talking tokids about food or we should be
(18:22):
talking to them about theirhealth and their bodies.
There's nothing wrong withtalking to our kids about food
and talking aboutcharacteristics of food or where
food comes from or where itgrows, or how food grows or how
we get food in our homes or whathappens to food when it goes in
our body.
These are things that manychildren are naturally curious
(18:42):
about and want to learn about.
That is very different fromhealth or nutrition information,
and, again, nutrition is verycomplex.
There's many different topics,many nuances and the same with
health.
Health concepts are highlyindividual and highly contextual
, and this is an example thatI've given my older children who
have asked me those questionslike is this bad for you?
(19:05):
I heard my friend saying thatthese are that sugar is bad for
you or are apples good for you?
And one thing I've told them iswell, if you were allergic to
apples, would apples be good foryou?
Would apples be healthy for you?
And you know it's interestingto see how they react with their
answers or seeing their brainswork like oh no, that wouldn't
be good for you.
And so what we want our kids toknow is that these health
(19:29):
concepts are not reasons whythey have to eat, and that food
is not something that they haveto worry about or have anxiety
about because they're not eatingcarrots or they're not eating
broccoli, or they're not eatingenough of the foods that their
parents think they should beeating in order to grow big and
strong.
All of these things can actuallycreate more anxiety, especially
(19:52):
for a child who may be morehighly sensitive or already
having an anxious disposition ora temperament that is more
anxious or nervous.
These are things that can makefood harder for them, and I
actually have seen this with myown daughter, where I remember
we were using the carrot thingwhere it's like, oh, carrots
(20:12):
have nutrients that can makeyour eyes see good, and she just
wasn't into carrots.
And you know, again, I was ayoung mom, I was a new mom,
newish mom and also training inthe nutrition world, and just
thought that that's what we did.
We used nutrition informationto help our kids try new things
and to get them to eat foodsthat are supposedly good for
(20:33):
their bodies.
And in reality, I remember Iterrified my daughter because
she didn't like eating carrotsat that time.
Now she does, but at the timeshe didn't, and I remember her
actually telling me like I'mscared, my eyes are going to be
bad because I don't eat carrots,and that was the moment where I
told myself this has to stop,like this is not working.
(20:54):
I don't want to createunnecessary fear or anxiety for
my child because she doesn'tnaturally want to eat these
foods.
That's not fair to her.
And the other thing thathappened this was the other
point that I wanted to kind ofadd in here is comparing our
picky eaters to their siblings.
So my picky eater, the oldest,the older one, is my second
(21:14):
child, so I had two kiddos atthat time and I remember saying
things like oh, look at yoursister, she's eating her carrots
or she's eating X, y and Z andshe's doing such a good job.
You know and we do that withgood intention.
I hope you know that and I hopeyou hear that that these are
not things that we do out ofspite for our children.
(21:36):
Again, there's a lot of anxietythat's fueling the way that we
engage around food with our kids, and so that was coming out in
those interactions and in thosethings I was saying to my
daughter and I just rememberalmost the shame that I could
see on her face that she was notable to do what her sister was
able to do when it came to foodand that just made me so sad and
(21:57):
I didn't want her tointernalize that message that
how she ate was a reflection ofour approval of her or praise of
her.
You know, I just wanted her toknow that she was loved and
accepted, regardless of how sheate.
And the reality is that all ofour kids have different
abilities, differenttemperaments, different sensory
needs and just because one childcan eat something that another
(22:19):
child can't doesn't mean there'ssomething inherently wrong with
that child, and we never wantto compare them that way, and
that was something I learned infeeding my kids very early on.
That that had to stop andthankfully that wasn't a
strategy that I use for muchlonger either.
But I want to share because Ithink it's valuable to learn
from this mistake that I engagedin.
(22:41):
It didn't help my daughter eatbetter.
It only created more fear andmore shame around food, and we
don't want to create thosenegative associations around
food in any way.
And what the research isactually showing us now is that
when we try to weaponizenutrition information and again,
nutrition information isdifferent from food education,
(23:02):
nutrition information trying toinfuse health concepts or you
should eat this for that, thosethings can actually create more
anxiety and worry around foodfor kids, which can be a trigger
for disordered eating down theroad.
So it's something we reallywant to avoid, especially as a
strategy for trying to get ourkids to eat.
Okay, I'm going to try to runthrough these last three a
(23:23):
little quicker here.
I always feel like there's somuch to talk about these things,
but hopefully you're findingthis helpful.
But another mistake that I foundmyself making is limiting
options of things I would serveto my daughter, make available
to her based on my preferencesor what I thought was better for
her, and I shared a little bitabout this on a previous podcast
(23:44):
.
But, as an example, my daughterhad a lot of difficulties with
eating fresh produce, includingfruits and vegetables, and as a
family we generally lean towardsfresh produce in our home.
And when I started to learnmore about the different factors
that were influencing how mydaughter ate, I realized that
(24:05):
she had some sensorysensitivities to fresh produce,
that in particular, theinconsistencies with flavors and
textures were too unpredictablefor her.
And this happens a lot,especially with produce like
sometimes you grab a pint ofstrawberries and they're all
delicious and sweet and plumpand juicy, and sometimes you
grab a pint of strawberries thatare underripe or mushy or moldy
(24:28):
and for us as adults or atleast for myself I was like, oh,
that's not a big deal, but formy daughter I realized that that
was too unpredictable for herand because of our own
preferences or just how wegenerally ate in our home, I was
limiting the options that Iwould give her.
But once I realized that, Istarted making other forms of
fruit available to her that weremore consistent and easier in
(24:52):
terms of texture and flavor.
So canned fruit really workedwell for her.
She loved eating differentkinds of canned fruit because
that texture and flavor isdefinitely more consistent than
fresh fruit.
But there are other things too,and as a dietitian in training
who had no knowledge that I donow, I remember being influenced
by so many things that I hadheard about feeding kids, much
(25:15):
of which is sneakily guided andperpetuated by diet culture, and
often as parents we fear givingour kids certain foods because
those foods are demonized bydiet culture.
So we might limit processedfoods, we might limit sweets, we
might limit certain things thatwe feel like our child should
not be eating, when in realityyou may be limiting the variety
(25:38):
of foods in which your childdoes feel capable or safe with
eating because of your own fearsor maybe ideas around those
foods.
And that was a mistake that Ilearned for myself, that I was
limiting the things that she wasactually comfortable and
enjoyed eating because of my ownideas or my own preferences
that were guiding what I boughtor the things that I brought
(26:02):
into the home.
And this is where I wouldcaution, especially if you are a
parent in eating disorderrecovery or if you are healing
from a difficult relationshipwith food.
I want to just encourage you toexamine any hidden food rules
that are still present for you,because what I see is that those
hidden food rules can oftenplay a role in how we feed our
(26:26):
kids.
One of the most amazing andbeautiful gifts that we can give
to our children is having thatself-awareness around those
embedded food rules that arestill very much guiding how we
eat or what we eat and todecipher.
Are those things alsoinfluencing what we introduce or
allow our own children to eat?
And being able to challengethose embedded food rules that
(26:50):
can stay with you for years.
I get that, but being able tochallenge those in effort to
allow your child options to tryand eat more things can be an
incredible gift to give yourchild, especially if you have a
selective eater who may alreadyhave a narrow window of what
feels safe and accepted to them.
This is something that Ilearned myself with my own
(27:10):
daughter.
Another mistake I found myselfmaking with my picky eater,
especially when she was younger,was projecting my own opinions
or fears on her, and this oftenhappened very unintentionally
again, as it often does.
But I found myself limitingwhat I would feed her based on
(27:31):
what I thought she would orwouldn't eat, and in a lot of
ways that also prevented me fromoffering or exposing or just
allowing her to learn aboutfoods at a pace and timing that
felt right and safe for her.
But I found myself not puttingcertain things out because I
already felt or thought, oh,she's not gonna eat that or
she's not gonna try that, orshe's so picky or she's so
(27:51):
sensitive she's not going to eatthose things.
And the truth is that she waslikely internalizing my own
fears or anxieties or opinionsand I know that that was also
starting to impact her attitudetoward those foods.
And sometimes we have thesediscussions with other
caregivers or when our kids arein earshot, maybe saying things
like, oh, they're not gonna eatthat or they'll never try that,
(28:14):
they'll never go for that.
And I think it's important tojust be careful and mindful of
our own attitudes and how thoseare being projected onto our
child Because, again, our kidsare more likely to internalize
these messages about themselvesand maybe develop similar
concerns based on the messagingthat they're hearing and picking
up around them, and so that wassomething I learned and started
(28:37):
to become really intentionalabout, and it really just helped
me also develop more acceptancetowards my daughter, especially
at mealtimes where there wasn'tthis hyper focus on her or she
had something special thaneveryone else.
It was like all these thingsare available to everybody, and
when I learned to relax my ownattitude towards her, it really
(29:00):
changed so many things for us inour feeding interaction.
So that was a big one for metoo.
The last mistake I found myselfmaking that I wanted to share
with you today when it comes tofeeding picky eaters, is this
idea of exposure.
This is something that ispromoted on many media channels.
You'll often hear it in anytype of picky eating resource
(29:21):
book or guide or platform,social media posts, whatever it
is.
Is this idea that you shouldconstantly be exposing your kids
.
Just keep exposing them to foodwithout pressuring them to eat,
and they will eventually trywhatever food that is.
And I remember being so sold onthat idea where I literally
thought if I just keep exposingmy daughter to these foods
(29:45):
vegetables, fruits, whatever itis that she will eventually eat
these things and like them andenjoy them.
And that is the message that isbeing promoted when it comes to
this exposure approach.
And you may even hear peoplequoting research and saying
research shows that if youexpose your child multiple times
, that takes 10, 15, 20 timesand eventually they'll try
(30:07):
something.
And I actually came across astudy that showed that, while
there can be effectiveness torepeated exposures, there is
also variation in how childrenmight respond to this strategy.
So some children may actuallydevelop a liking for a food that
was previously disliked aftermultiple exposures, while others
(30:29):
might remain resistant despiterepeated attempts.
And that is what I think is soimportant to take away from this
is that, again, if we have ahidden agenda attached to any
strategy that we are engagingwith or using with our kids when
it comes to feeding them, thatcan backfire for us hugely.
And what's important toremember is that our kids' food
(30:51):
preferences are influenced by acombination of many different
factors, including genetic,environment, sensory and some
children.
I definitely saw this with myown daughter, who had heightened
sensitivity to textures andflavors, so kids that do have
sensory sensitivities, may beless likely to warm up to
(31:13):
certain foods, even afterrepeated exposures, and that can
feel so defeating to a parentwho is sold on this idea that if
I just keep offering, if I justkeep exposing, they'll
eventually eat it.
Well, I can tell you that after11 years of my daughter being
exposed to many different foods,that there are still a whole
(31:35):
ton of foods that she will noteat.
And that's okay.
That's totally okay and she'sdoing great and has a great
relationship with food,thankfully.
But it really made me realizethat just because I expose her
to something doesn't mean thatshe's going to like something,
and just because she doesn'tlike something doesn't mean that
she's going to be inherentlyunhealthy or have a negative
relationship with food.
(31:56):
Again, we want our kids to beable to explore food at a pace
that feels right for them.
We want to honor their autonomyand we want to give them the
choice and the ability to decidewhether or not they want to try
to eat something.
And this is where we have toexamine do we have attached
outcomes to how or what our kidsare eating?
(32:18):
Am I continuing to offer thisin the hopes that eventually
they eat it and when we can cometo terms with the fact that our
kids may not like the thingsthat we like or may never eat
the things that they seemultiple times over the course
of their lifetime while they'rein our home, the easier we can
lay down those expectations, theeasier things will be around
(32:40):
food in our home.
And I certainly remember thatfor myself, that when I let go
of that attached outcome that Ihad that she'll eventually eat
this or she'll eventually likeit, when I let go and just said
you know what, if she likes it,she likes it.
If she wants to try it, she'lltry it.
If she doesn't, she doesn't,it's okay.
There's no morality attached tohow my daughter eats or what
(33:01):
she doesn't eat.
It freed everything for me.
It literally changed everythingfor me and from that point on I
decided that I was going tolearn to accept her for who she
was and not try to make herconform into my idea of who I
thought she should be, not justwith her temperament and her
personality but how she ate.
I realized that I had so muchattached to how she ate and I
(33:24):
know a big part of that isbecause how our kids eat can
feel like such a reflection ofus as parents and I just want to
encourage you to move towardsthat acceptance factor of your
child that it's more about.
Can we accept them, can theyfeel our acceptance, even if
they're just eating bread andthey're cookie at dinner and
nothing else?
That's where it gets tough andthat is where the work is, my
(33:46):
friend, where we are doing thework on accepting our kids, on
working through our own triggersof how our kids eat or their
body sizes these are all thingsthat fall into our realm, our
territory, and are not theburden of our children to have
to carry or have to bear.
And ultimately, when they canfeel our unconditional
acceptance, even if they are apicky eater, even if they are
(34:10):
very selective and eat a limitedhandful of foods, that will
give them the support they needto learn how to eat food in a
manner that feels best for theirbodies and knowing that that's
going to look different forevery child.
So that wraps up for today'sepisode.
There are many mistakes that Imade over the course of my
parenting journey that I'm sureI could fill up many more
(34:31):
episodes with, but I just wantedto share that for today and
hope that encourages you andreminds you that you're not
alone, that we're always doingthe best that we can, and your
children are so lucky to havesuch a caring mother in their
life.
Next week, we'll look more atthis idea about why picky eating
can be so triggering and thedistress that it can bring up
within us, why that is why thatshows up and what we can do
(34:55):
about it.
So I hope you can join me nextweek and I cannot wait to see
you then.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand we have been doing a mini
(00:43):
series on picky eating, and sowe're continuing that today.
But before we get started inour episode, I just wanted to
share an exciting milestonearound here.
Lift the Shame podcast hasreached our one year anniversary
, which is incredible andpossible because of you.
So I just wanted to say thankyou for tuning in.
(01:04):
Whether you have been listeningsince the very beginning or
you're just getting into thiscommunity, I just want to
acknowledge how much Iappreciate you and your support.
So thank you so much, and I'dlove to hear from you.
This podcast.
This platform is for you, andif there are ways I can better
serve you through this show, Iwould love to hear your feedback
(01:25):
, and you're always welcome toconnect with me via email Hello
at CrystalCargiscom.
And if this show has beenhelpful for you, I would
appreciate your consideration towrite and review the podcast,
as this helps other parents beable to connect with this
resource as well.
So thank you so much in advancefor your help with that.
So let's dive into today's topic.
(01:46):
We're continuing the subject ofpicky eating, and this can be a
really challenging area for alot of parents.
Regardless of what your historyhas been, what your background
has been, picky eating can betough.
There's a lot of layersinvolved, and so I'm hoping that
we can talk more through thisto empower you with some tools
to better support the kiddos inyour life who may be more
(02:08):
selective eaters, and the pastcouple of weeks we looked at
some common myths surroundingpicky eating, and today I just
want to share, from personalexperience, some of the mistakes
that I have made as a parent ofselective eaters, so that you
might be able to learn from andavoid my own mistakes and I'm
(02:28):
all about learning and growing,especially on this show, and
when I talk about mistakes, it'snot coming from a place of
shaming whatsoever.
I think it's valuable to be ableto learn from our lives and
from our experiences and knowingthat we've been doing the best
that we can with the informationand resources that we have.
And when we learn differently,we can do differently, and this
(02:52):
is a huge part in terms ofshifting out of negative cycles
around food and body image inour families.
When we take the time to learnabout our histories, our food
stories, our legacies, it allowsus to be able to pivot and
rewrite those legacies.
And so I just wanted to prefacewith that, because I know the
word mistake can have a lot ofnegative connotations to it, and
(03:13):
I just want to remind you thatthis is a safe place to just
learn and explore, and a lot ofthis again is coming from my own
lived experience of having twokiddos who are selective eaters.
So let's dive in.
I wanted to just remind you thatthere's a lot of emotion and
often triggers wrapped up inpicky eating, and in fact we're
(03:35):
going to be looking at why pickyeating can be so triggering in
upcoming episodes.
We really can feel like salt inthe wound, so to say.
There are so many things aroundpicky eating that can be
painful reminders of maybe yourown food story or any
surrounding trauma that may havebeen around food or your body,
either for yourself or for yourchild.
(03:56):
And in my case, my seconddaughter, who is now 11 years
old, was born as a late pretermand we had so many feeding
difficulties in the onset of ourjourney and our relationship
together and that really made itdifficult for me to trust her
body and for me to be able torelax when it came to how she
(04:18):
ate or how much she ate, and Ireally found this escalating
over the course of her earlychildhood.
And so a lot of these thingsthat I'm sharing today are
coming from those early yearswith my daughter and things I
experienced with her, and I justwant to remind you that if you
find yourself feeling anxious orworried around your child and
(04:39):
how they're eating, there'slikely really good reasons
behind it, and at the end of theday, you just care about your
child.
You want them to be able to behealthy and happy and being able
to engage in their lives in ameaningful way, and oftentimes,
when it comes to selectiveeating and we see that our kids
aren't eating, or maybe noteating the variety of foods that
(05:00):
we think they should be eating,or eating very limited
quantities, or we're hearingthings from providers
questioning or worrying abouttheir weight or nutrition status
, or we're just gettingbombarded with all these ideas
about how our kids should beeating.
These things can make it reallychallenging to trust our kids,
and this is definitely a pictureof what I experienced with my
(05:22):
daughter and having a pretermbaby, where we went through a
period of her having to havefrequent weight checks and weigh
how much milk she wastransferring.
It felt like I had to measureevery single ounce of milk that
she was getting into her bodyand being told that I had to
wake her up because I couldn'ttrust her to wake herself up to
(05:43):
eat.
All those things really hauntedme for years of her life and it
made it really challenging forme to relinquish that sense of
control or urgency, like I haveto be responsible for caring for
her when it came to how she ate, and it made it really hard for
me to extend trust to her andour feeding relationship.
(06:03):
And she did grow up to havemore sensory sensitivities and
be very selective with food, andso when she started eating
solids, this is where I foundmyself in this power struggle
with her and trying differentthings and engaging in
strategies that had goodintention behind them but
ultimately were creating moreharm than good.
And at the same time, I was alsoin my training to become a
(06:26):
dietitian and just delving intothe world of child feeding, and
so there was a lot of things Ididn't know yet that I do now,
and it was really a hardlearning experience for me to
try some of these things andrecognize, hey, this isn't
working, it's actually making itharder or mealtimes feel so
stressful, and I don't thinkthat that is how this is
supposed to go in order tosupport my daughter towards the
(06:50):
longterm goal of having apositive relationship with food,
and really those are the bigoverarching things that we want
to be working towards.
And when we get stuck in theminutiae of what our kids are
eating or how much they'reeating, or did they get enough
bites of veggies in them, it canbe really hard to do that and
it can be really hard to trustthat.
But what I want you to see isif you have done any of these
(07:13):
things that I'm about to shareor find yourself in that same
boat where you're anxious orworried or feel nervous about
how your child is eating, ormaybe feel like you can't trust
them to eat what they need.
I just want to remind you thatyou're not alone and there's a
lot of reasons that are likelyinfluencing the way you feel,
and none of which are bad.
You're an amazing parentbecause you care so deeply about
(07:36):
your child and you want to bestsupport them, and it's possible
to help.
Even our pickiest eaters stillhave a great relationship with
food.
So all that to say, I wanted toshare again, just from my
firsthand lived experience,mistakes that I have made when
it came to my daughter, and myhope is that this might be
things that you can take awayand learn from yourself, because
(07:59):
they're very common things thatI think we engage in.
They're oftentimes more subtlethan some of the other methods
that we hear when it comes tofeeding pick eaters, and I think
that's one of the tricky thingsabout it is that these are
often things that we're hearingis being promoted that should
help your picky eater, get yourpicky eater to try new foods,
(08:19):
and we all want that for ourkids because diet culture again
has created this idea of whatour kids need in order to be
healthy.
That often entails a lot ofstrategies that don't support
their innate intuitive eatingability, so we want to be
careful with that.
But the first one I wanted toshare here is around the mistake
I made in terms of trying tomake meals fun and interactive
(08:43):
for my picky eater, in hopesthat she would actually eat more
or more of the foods that Ithought she needed to eat, or
try new things.
We definitely went through astage where the few foods she
would eat were primarily starchycarbohydrates, and I remember
just feeling a lot of anxietyand stress around her weight,
around her nutrition, around herhealth status, and it was
(09:07):
really challenging to grapplewith all those things.
And so I remember reading andseeing a lot of things about if
you make your child's food moreplayful, more fun, more
interactive and engaging, youcan get them to actually try or
want to eat some of the foodsthat you're introducing.
And these are things that Ialso hear promoted on various
(09:29):
social media accounts, and,again, I think there's a really
good intention behind it.
But what's interesting is that,as I tried some of these things
with my own daughter, I foundthat it made her more fearful of
coming to the table or shewould see some of these foods in
that sense of like forcingsomething that felt scary to her
to be playful or interactivewas definitely not jiving with
(09:51):
her.
In fact, I found that it madeher more adverse to engaging
with food in general, and thatperiod didn't last very long.
Thankfully.
It took me a hot minute torealize that this strategy is
not working, at least for mykiddo, and so I really backed
off of that one really quick.
But the reason I wanted to bringthis up is there has actually
(10:12):
been a recent study that lookedat this and I will link the
study for you in the show notesif you're interested in reading
this further.
But what was interesting andI'm going to read a quote from
the actual study but researchersnoted that encouraging a child
with a story slash gameunexpectedly increase the
likelihood of feedingdifficulties in school age.
(10:35):
Making the meal a fun andinteractive activity is often
advised.
So basically what they'resaying is parents of picky
eaters are often told orencouraged to make the meal fun,
make it interactive, make itengaging, create dips, create
fun shapes, make a fun story outof it.
But what researchers actuallyfound is that that advice
(10:57):
unexpectedly increased thelikelihood of feeding
difficulties in school age kids.
And why might that be?
Well, I have a few ideas myself, but something that's
interesting to know is that ourchildren are very attuned to our
emotional state as parents thisis something that we've talked
about a lot on this podcast andthey can sense our hidden
(11:19):
agendas, or they can sense ourunderlying anxiety or stress or
worry, and oftentimes, when wefeel like, as parents, that we
should be doing certain thingswhen it comes to feeding our
kids, there's that hidden agendaattached to it, and we're
hoping that it will lead to acertain outcome.
I was trying to think of apractical example that could
(11:41):
help illustrate this, andsomething that came to mind was
as an adult, have you ever feltobligated to go to a certain
event or function, buteverything in you didn't want to
go?
You just wanted to stay at home, stay on the couch, stay in
your comfy pants, watch someNetflix, veg out, but you had to
go to this event or socialfunction or dinner meeting or
(12:04):
whatever it was, and it's thatcontrasting nature of wanting to
do something but forcingyourself to do something else,
and inevitably, especially forthose of us that wear our
emotions on our sleeves.
It's like you can tell whensomeone is somewhere but doesn't
want to be there, at least formost of us, and this can
definitely play out when itcomes to feeding interactions
(12:26):
with our kids.
If you are, let's say, worriedor stressed or feeling like I
have to make this feedinginteraction pleasant and fun and
exciting and interactive inorder to get my kid to eat, but
everything in you is feelingstressed or anxious or worried
or wanting to do anything elsebut sit across from your child
at that table and trying toforce this playful interaction
(12:47):
that isn't coming naturally ordesirably.
Your child is going to pick upon that, and so that is
something to remember.
Is that our kids areexperiencing any negative
emotions rather than theintended playfulness behind your
interactions with the games orthe activity or whatever it is
that you're hoping will supportthem in getting them to eat?
(13:10):
And even if we're not directlysaying I want you to eat this,
they can feel it in ourinteractions with them.
They can feel it when we'retrying to get them to engage
with food in a certain way ortelling them a story about a kid
who ate this or tried a bite ofthis and it was so yummy.
Even though we may not beverbally saying those things,
(13:31):
our interactions are displayinga different message, and so this
is something that I know I'mnot alone in doing or have done
as a parent, where we feel sodesperate in so many ways to
just get our kids to eat or toensure they're getting enough or
getting enough variety, and itbrings up so much conflict
within us and it often forces usto engage with our kids in a
(13:53):
way around food that may notcome naturally, and not only is
it not coming naturally, but ourkids are picking up on the
unspoken messages, the hiddenagendas and the underlying
anxiety or stress that we arefeeling in those situations.
And I remember with my daughtertrying to do subtle things to
just get her to interact withfood, like touching things or
(14:13):
putting things on her tray andhopes that she would touch them,
or, as she got a little bitolder, asking her to scoop
things out on my plate or herplate, and because of that
forced interaction, it actuallymade it more tense and upsetting
to her, and this is somethingthat we see coinciding with the
findings of this research study,which really does suggest that
(14:34):
forcing children to play with ortouch foods that they're
fearful of may actuallyintensify their negative
feelings and resistance towardstrying those foods.
So, again, because of theintentions that are behind it,
it can be really hard andcomplicated, but this really is
important to think about.
What are our hidden agendasattached to any feeding
(14:56):
interactions that we are havingwith our children?
So, really, a takeaway fromthis is that you don't have to
make your meal times into a gameor story or interactive,
especially if you are doing thatin hopes of helping your picky
eater.
Really, the intention behind itshould not be to get your child
to eat, but rather to engagewith your child in a way that
(15:19):
facilitates connection andnatural connection, not forced
connection.
So that is the takeaway.
The other thing to remember,too, is that gradual exposure to
new foods, without pressure,can be more effective.
So we want to respect our kidsautonomy and allow them to
explore foods, whether they'renew, or things they're learning
(15:42):
to eat, at their own pace,rather than forced interactions,
as again, that forcedinteraction can make them more
adverse to those foods.
A second mistake I made with mydaughter and I'm going to share
a couple things in this.
One point is attempting to usehealth and nutrition information
as leverage to get her to eat.
This is very dangerousterritory and something that I
(16:05):
often see promoted on mainstreammedia and health curriculum is
this idea where, if we can usehealth information to
incentivize our kids to eat,they'll be more likely to try
different things if theyunderstand that this is
benefiting their body in someway.
But unfortunately that's notthe case.
And then we're also seeingstudies that show that using or
(16:28):
weaponizing health or nutritioncurriculum to get kids to eat or
try to get them to eat in acertain way, can actually lead
to negative outcomes andpotential anxiety or concerns
about food, which could be atrigger for disordered eating.
This was something I definitelydid with well intention with my
young daughter, who didn't wantto touch vegetables, ate very
(16:50):
few fruits and, again, wasmostly eating starchy
carbohydrates, and in my mindthat just did not equate to good
health or overall nutrition.
And this was also subtle andlooked like saying things like
oh, let's try by to thesecrunchy carrots.
They are so good for our eyes,they help our eyes see.
Or this food is making usstrong, or this food is helping
(17:14):
our bodies grow big and strong,and trying to use that as
incentive or, again, leveragingnutrition information to try to
get her to eat or try differentfoods.
I actually did a whole episodeabout this in terms of if we
want our children to have apositive relationship with food,
we really need to stop usingthe word healthy and, in a
(17:37):
broader perspective, stopweaponizing nutrition or health
information in order to try toinfluence their eating behaviors
.
There's a lot of negativeconsequences around this and I
will link that episode for youin the show notes.
But in general, our children,especially younger children, are
literal thinkers and this meansthat they don't have the
(17:59):
cognitive capacity to understandall the nuances and
complexities around nutritioninformation.
And I also just want todistinguish here that there's a
difference between nutritioninformation and food education.
Those are two separatecategories and we are going to
be talking more about thisbecause I hear this come up a
lot like we should be talking tokids about food or we should be
(18:22):
talking to them about theirhealth and their bodies.
There's nothing wrong withtalking to our kids about food
and talking aboutcharacteristics of food or where
food comes from or where itgrows, or how food grows or how
we get food in our homes or whathappens to food when it goes in
our body.
These are things that manychildren are naturally curious
(18:42):
about and want to learn about.
That is very different fromhealth or nutrition information,
and, again, nutrition is verycomplex.
There's many different topics,many nuances and the same with
health.
Health concepts are highlyindividual and highly contextual
, and this is an example thatI've given my older children who
have asked me those questionslike is this bad for you?
(19:05):
I heard my friend saying thatthese are that sugar is bad for
you or are apples good for you?
And one thing I've told them iswell, if you were allergic to
apples, would apples be good foryou?
Would apples be healthy for you?
And you know it's interestingto see how they react with their
answers or seeing their brainswork like oh no, that wouldn't
be good for you.
And so what we want our kids toknow is that these health
(19:29):
concepts are not reasons whythey have to eat, and that food
is not something that they haveto worry about or have anxiety
about because they're not eatingcarrots or they're not eating
broccoli, or they're not eatingenough of the foods that their
parents think they should beeating in order to grow big and
strong.
All of these things can actuallycreate more anxiety, especially
(19:52):
for a child who may be morehighly sensitive or already
having an anxious disposition ora temperament that is more
anxious or nervous.
These are things that can makefood harder for them, and I
actually have seen this with myown daughter, where I remember
we were using the carrot thingwhere it's like, oh, carrots
(20:12):
have nutrients that can makeyour eyes see good, and she just
wasn't into carrots.
And you know, again, I was ayoung mom, I was a new mom,
newish mom and also training inthe nutrition world, and just
thought that that's what we did.
We used nutrition informationto help our kids try new things
and to get them to eat foodsthat are supposedly good for
(20:33):
their bodies.
And in reality, I remember Iterrified my daughter because
she didn't like eating carrotsat that time.
Now she does, but at the timeshe didn't, and I remember her
actually telling me like I'mscared, my eyes are going to be
bad because I don't eat carrots,and that was the moment where I
told myself this has to stop,like this is not working.
(20:54):
I don't want to createunnecessary fear or anxiety for
my child because she doesn'tnaturally want to eat these
foods.
That's not fair to her.
And the other thing thathappened this was the other
point that I wanted to kind ofadd in here is comparing our
picky eaters to their siblings.
So my picky eater, the oldest,the older one, is my second
(21:14):
child, so I had two kiddos atthat time and I remember saying
things like oh, look at yoursister, she's eating her carrots
or she's eating X, y and Z andshe's doing such a good job.
You know and we do that withgood intention.
I hope you know that and I hopeyou hear that that these are
not things that we do out ofspite for our children.
(21:36):
Again, there's a lot of anxietythat's fueling the way that we
engage around food with our kids, and so that was coming out in
those interactions and in thosethings I was saying to my
daughter and I just rememberalmost the shame that I could
see on her face that she was notable to do what her sister was
able to do when it came to foodand that just made me so sad and
(21:57):
I didn't want her tointernalize that message that
how she ate was a reflection ofour approval of her or praise of
her.
You know, I just wanted her toknow that she was loved and
accepted, regardless of how sheate.
And the reality is that all ofour kids have different
abilities, differenttemperaments, different sensory
needs and just because one childcan eat something that another
(22:19):
child can't doesn't mean there'ssomething inherently wrong with
that child, and we never wantto compare them that way, and
that was something I learned infeeding my kids very early on.
That that had to stop andthankfully that wasn't a
strategy that I use for muchlonger either.
But I want to share because Ithink it's valuable to learn
from this mistake that I engagedin.
(22:41):
It didn't help my daughter eatbetter.
It only created more fear andmore shame around food, and we
don't want to create thosenegative associations around
food in any way.
And what the research isactually showing us now is that
when we try to weaponizenutrition information and again,
nutrition information isdifferent from food education,
(23:02):
nutrition information trying toinfuse health concepts or you
should eat this for that, thosethings can actually create more
anxiety and worry around foodfor kids, which can be a trigger
for disordered eating down theroad.
So it's something we reallywant to avoid, especially as a
strategy for trying to get ourkids to eat.
Okay, I'm going to try to runthrough these last three a
(23:23):
little quicker here.
I always feel like there's somuch to talk about these things,
but hopefully you're findingthis helpful.
But another mistake that I foundmyself making is limiting
options of things I would serveto my daughter, make available
to her based on my preferencesor what I thought was better for
her, and I shared a little bitabout this on a previous podcast
(23:44):
.
But, as an example, my daughterhad a lot of difficulties with
eating fresh produce, includingfruits and vegetables, and as a
family we generally lean towardsfresh produce in our home.
And when I started to learnmore about the different factors
that were influencing how mydaughter ate, I realized that
(24:05):
she had some sensorysensitivities to fresh produce,
that in particular, theinconsistencies with flavors and
textures were too unpredictablefor her.
And this happens a lot,especially with produce like
sometimes you grab a pint ofstrawberries and they're all
delicious and sweet and plumpand juicy, and sometimes you
grab a pint of strawberries thatare underripe or mushy or moldy
(24:28):
and for us as adults or atleast for myself I was like, oh,
that's not a big deal, but formy daughter I realized that that
was too unpredictable for herand because of our own
preferences or just how wegenerally ate in our home, I was
limiting the options that Iwould give her.
But once I realized that, Istarted making other forms of
fruit available to her that weremore consistent and easier in
(24:52):
terms of texture and flavor.
So canned fruit really workedwell for her.
She loved eating differentkinds of canned fruit because
that texture and flavor isdefinitely more consistent than
fresh fruit.
But there are other things too,and as a dietitian in training
who had no knowledge that I donow, I remember being influenced
by so many things that I hadheard about feeding kids, much
(25:15):
of which is sneakily guided andperpetuated by diet culture, and
often as parents we fear givingour kids certain foods because
those foods are demonized bydiet culture.
So we might limit processedfoods, we might limit sweets, we
might limit certain things thatwe feel like our child should
not be eating, when in realityyou may be limiting the variety
(25:38):
of foods in which your childdoes feel capable or safe with
eating because of your own fearsor maybe ideas around those
foods.
And that was a mistake that Ilearned for myself, that I was
limiting the things that she wasactually comfortable and
enjoyed eating because of my ownideas or my own preferences
that were guiding what I boughtor the things that I brought
(26:02):
into the home.
And this is where I wouldcaution, especially if you are a
parent in eating disorderrecovery or if you are healing
from a difficult relationshipwith food.
I want to just encourage you toexamine any hidden food rules
that are still present for you,because what I see is that those
hidden food rules can oftenplay a role in how we feed our
(26:26):
kids.
One of the most amazing andbeautiful gifts that we can give
to our children is having thatself-awareness around those
embedded food rules that arestill very much guiding how we
eat or what we eat and todecipher.
Are those things alsoinfluencing what we introduce or
allow our own children to eat?
And being able to challengethose embedded food rules that
(26:50):
can stay with you for years.
I get that, but being able tochallenge those in effort to
allow your child options to tryand eat more things can be an
incredible gift to give yourchild, especially if you have a
selective eater who may alreadyhave a narrow window of what
feels safe and accepted to them.
This is something that Ilearned myself with my own
(27:10):
daughter.
Another mistake I found myselfmaking with my picky eater,
especially when she was younger,was projecting my own opinions
or fears on her, and this oftenhappened very unintentionally
again, as it often does.
But I found myself limitingwhat I would feed her based on
(27:31):
what I thought she would orwouldn't eat, and in a lot of
ways that also prevented me fromoffering or exposing or just
allowing her to learn aboutfoods at a pace and timing that
felt right and safe for her.
But I found myself not puttingcertain things out because I
already felt or thought, oh,she's not gonna eat that or
she's not gonna try that, orshe's so picky or she's so
(27:51):
sensitive she's not going to eatthose things.
And the truth is that she waslikely internalizing my own
fears or anxieties or opinionsand I know that that was also
starting to impact her attitudetoward those foods.
And sometimes we have thesediscussions with other
caregivers or when our kids arein earshot, maybe saying things
like, oh, they're not gonna eatthat or they'll never try that,
(28:14):
they'll never go for that.
And I think it's important tojust be careful and mindful of
our own attitudes and how thoseare being projected onto our
child Because, again, our kidsare more likely to internalize
these messages about themselvesand maybe develop similar
concerns based on the messagingthat they're hearing and picking
up around them, and so that wassomething I learned and started
(28:37):
to become really intentionalabout, and it really just helped
me also develop more acceptancetowards my daughter, especially
at mealtimes where there wasn'tthis hyper focus on her or she
had something special thaneveryone else.
It was like all these thingsare available to everybody, and
when I learned to relax my ownattitude towards her, it really
(29:00):
changed so many things for us inour feeding interaction.
So that was a big one for metoo.
The last mistake I found myselfmaking that I wanted to share
with you today when it comes tofeeding picky eaters, is this
idea of exposure.
This is something that ispromoted on many media channels.
You'll often hear it in anytype of picky eating resource
(29:21):
book or guide or platform,social media posts, whatever it
is.
Is this idea that you shouldconstantly be exposing your kids
.
Just keep exposing them to foodwithout pressuring them to eat,
and they will eventually trywhatever food that is.
And I remember being so sold onthat idea where I literally
thought if I just keep exposingmy daughter to these foods
(29:45):
vegetables, fruits, whatever itis that she will eventually eat
these things and like them andenjoy them.
And that is the message that isbeing promoted when it comes to
this exposure approach.
And you may even hear peoplequoting research and saying
research shows that if youexpose your child multiple times
, that takes 10, 15, 20 timesand eventually they'll try
(30:07):
something.
And I actually came across astudy that showed that, while
there can be effectiveness torepeated exposures, there is
also variation in how childrenmight respond to this strategy.
So some children may actuallydevelop a liking for a food that
was previously disliked aftermultiple exposures, while others
(30:29):
might remain resistant despiterepeated attempts.
And that is what I think is soimportant to take away from this
is that, again, if we have ahidden agenda attached to any
strategy that we are engagingwith or using with our kids when
it comes to feeding them, thatcan backfire for us hugely.
And what's important toremember is that our kids' food
(30:51):
preferences are influenced by acombination of many different
factors, including genetic,environment, sensory and some
children.
I definitely saw this with myown daughter, who had heightened
sensitivity to textures andflavors, so kids that do have
sensory sensitivities, may beless likely to warm up to
(31:13):
certain foods, even afterrepeated exposures, and that can
feel so defeating to a parentwho is sold on this idea that if
I just keep offering, if I justkeep exposing, they'll
eventually eat it.
Well, I can tell you that after11 years of my daughter being
exposed to many different foods,that there are still a whole
(31:35):
ton of foods that she will noteat.
And that's okay.
That's totally okay and she'sdoing great and has a great
relationship with food,thankfully.
But it really made me realizethat just because I expose her
to something doesn't mean thatshe's going to like something,
and just because she doesn'tlike something doesn't mean that
she's going to be inherentlyunhealthy or have a negative
relationship with food.
(31:56):
Again, we want our kids to beable to explore food at a pace
that feels right for them.
We want to honor their autonomyand we want to give them the
choice and the ability to decidewhether or not they want to try
to eat something.
And this is where we have toexamine do we have attached
outcomes to how or what our kidsare eating?
(32:18):
Am I continuing to offer thisin the hopes that eventually
they eat it and when we can cometo terms with the fact that our
kids may not like the thingsthat we like or may never eat
the things that they seemultiple times over the course
of their lifetime while they'rein our home, the easier we can
lay down those expectations, theeasier things will be around
(32:40):
food in our home.
And I certainly remember thatfor myself, that when I let go
of that attached outcome that Ihad that she'll eventually eat
this or she'll eventually likeit, when I let go and just said
you know what, if she likes it,she likes it.
If she wants to try it, she'lltry it.
If she doesn't, she doesn't,it's okay.
There's no morality attached tohow my daughter eats or what
(33:01):
she doesn't eat.
It freed everything for me.
It literally changed everythingfor me and from that point on I
decided that I was going tolearn to accept her for who she
was and not try to make herconform into my idea of who I
thought she should be, not justwith her temperament and her
personality but how she ate.
I realized that I had so muchattached to how she ate and I
(33:24):
know a big part of that isbecause how our kids eat can
feel like such a reflection ofus as parents and I just want to
encourage you to move towardsthat acceptance factor of your
child that it's more about.
Can we accept them, can theyfeel our acceptance, even if
they're just eating bread andthey're cookie at dinner and
nothing else?
That's where it gets tough andthat is where the work is, my
(33:46):
friend, where we are doing thework on accepting our kids, on
working through our own triggersof how our kids eat or their
body sizes these are all thingsthat fall into our realm, our
territory, and are not theburden of our children to have
to carry or have to bear.
And ultimately, when they canfeel our unconditional
acceptance, even if they are apicky eater, even if they are
(34:10):
very selective and eat a limitedhandful of foods, that will
give them the support they needto learn how to eat food in a
manner that feels best for theirbodies and knowing that that's
going to look different forevery child.
So that wraps up for today'sepisode.
There are many mistakes that Imade over the course of my
parenting journey that I'm sureI could fill up many more
(34:31):
episodes with, but I just wantedto share that for today and
hope that encourages you andreminds you that you're not
alone, that we're always doingthe best that we can, and your
children are so lucky to havesuch a caring mother in their
life.
Next week, we'll look more atthis idea about why picky eating
can be so triggering and thedistress that it can bring up
within us, why that is why thatshows up and what we can do
(34:55):
about it.
So I hope you can join me nextweek and I cannot wait to see
you then.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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