March 31, 2025 • 37 mins
What happens when everything you think defines you is suddenly stripped away? In this episode, Erika Allison Lambro shares her remarkable journey from rejecting her Christian upbringing to embracing an LGBTQ identity, Buddhist spirituality, and activism against the church—only to have it all crumble after a cancer diagnosis at age 40.
For 25 years, she distanced herself from her family and faith, even writing a book titled "Gay the Pray Away" challenging the church's stance on sexuality. Yet despite constructing these new identities, something was still missing.
The turning point came through cancer—not as something God saved her from, but as what God used to save her life.
This conversation offers hope to anyone questioning who they truly are. As Erika puts it: "If you allow your constructed identities to crumble, as scary as it may feel, what you're going to find is an even more solid ground underneath—that you are a child of God."
If her story resonates with you, or you feel called to share your testimony through missions as she did in Albania, visit rfwma.org to explore opportunities to serve.
Thanks for listening! Visit our website rfwma.org and follow us on Facebook :https://www.facebook.com/limitlessspiritpodcast/
and Instagram: @limitlessspiritpodcast
Help us make more inspiring episodes: https://rfwma.org/give-support-the-podcast/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Limitless Spirit, a weekly podcast with
host Helen Todd, where sheinterviews guests about pursuing
spiritual growth, discoveringlife's purpose through serving
others and developing a deeperfaith in Christ.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Welcome to Limitless Spirit, where we explore the
stories of transformation,purpose and faith that shape our
lives.
I'm your host, helen Todd.
Today we're diving deep intoone of the most personal and
often painful areas of the humanexperience identity.
My guest is Erica Lambrough.
(00:39):
She was raised in a Christianhome, but as a teenager she
walked away from the faith andembraced a homosexual identity,
became a passionate advocate forLGBTQ and wrote a book titled
Gay the Pray Away, challengingthe church and its stance on
(00:59):
sexuality.
Along the way, she exploredBuddhism, moved, moved away from
her family and spent 25 yearsbuilding a life apart from god
she once knew.
But when erica was diagnosedwith cancer, everything she had
built, every identity she hadclung to, began to crumble, and
(01:22):
in that place of brokenness sheencountered something greater.
This is a powerful conversationabout the false selves we
construct, the pain of searchingand the beauty of being found,
not just by God but in God.
Stay with us for an honest,redemptive and deeply human
(01:44):
journey.
With us for an honest,redemptive and deeply human
journey.
Good morning, erika.
Welcome to the Limitless Spirit.
How are you today?
Thank you so much for invitingme on today.
So I love how God connected youwith World Missions Alliance,
our ministry, and essentiallythat's how we met, and it was
(02:05):
through a dream.
God can do some crazy thingsthrough our dreams, so do you
mind sharing this with ourlisteners?
It's a wild story.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
I would be so excited to share it.
Yeah, so I was not planning togo on a mission trip.
In fact, that wasn't the firstthing, that wasn't even the last
thing on my mind.
But, yes, I had a dream and itwas short, but it was very
specific.
And in the dream I was rushingthrough the airport to get on an
airplane very specifically forAlbania and very specifically
(02:35):
for a mission trip.
And I woke up and I'm like thatis very where even is Albania?
That was my first question.
I had to look it up on a mapand see what it was.
And I called my sister, who hasbeen a mentor for me in the
faith, and kind of talked to herabout it and it was like, what
is this?
Is God trying to get me to goon a mission trip?
And she said, well, just dosome research.
(02:58):
I know this great organizationcalled World Mission Alliance
and you should look on theirwebsite and see if they have any
trips going to Albania.
And the coolest part of thiswhole story is that I contacted
you guys because I did noticethat you had a trip going to
Albania, but the trip was full.
So I wrote to you guys and Ijust said, hey, I had this dream
.
I don't know what it means.
It may mean nothing, I may haveeaten enchiladas last night,
but I had this dream.
And if you have a wait list orif you're doing another trip,
(03:21):
I'd love to be on the wait list.
And your people wrote me backand said, well, we were full for
this trip that's coming up in amonth, but we just had somebody
drop out and the date that thatperson had dropped out was
Wednesday.
And when I looked back to thenight, I had the dream it was
Wednesday night.
So it was like just so, soamazed.
So, god, so God.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And God's timing is so precise.
You know.
You had the dream on Wednesday.
The person dropped off the teamon Wednesday.
To be honest, we don't even goto Albania every year.
We're not going to Albania nextyear.
We didn't go to Albania lastyear, but God.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
But God, I know, I know, and when stuff like that
happens, it really like youcan't help but pay attention,
because it's not justcommonplace Like it's not
commonplace that I'm thinkingabout the country Albania or
having dreams about the countryAlbania, and it's not
commonplace that this trip evenwas happening.
So it was clear that God wasmoving and I needed to pay
attention.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Well, in miraculous ways, god made a way for you in
a very short time to go and youwent and I'm excited for us to
talk about what happened there.
But we're going to jump intothe beginning of your story.
First, because just a few yearsago, if someone would tell you
that you will be going on amission trip sharing the gospel
(04:40):
in another country, you probablywould have laughed at this idea
, am I right?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
You are so right, I am a completely new creation,
different person than the personI was even two years ago.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
So you know, you were an activist in LGBTQ community.
You were a Buddhist.
You had an identity thatdoesn't really align with
sharing the gospel on themission trip.
But I'm excited to look back atyour story because I think it's
a very beautiful story andbeautiful in the way how God
(05:17):
pursues us, no matter where weare or even if we're running in
the opposite direction from him.
We are, or even if we'rerunning in the opposite
direction from him.
So I also think that it's astory about identity, and that's
a subject that is veryimportant in our lives from the
very beginning.
So you were born and grew up ina Christian home, so what was
(05:42):
the first time you startedlooking at your identity?
What prompted that?
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Yeah, it was one of those moments.
It was when I was a teenagerand it was the first time I'd
actually been exposed to otherpeople in the world who claimed
to be gay and were practicingLGBTQ lifestyles, and it was one
of those moments where I hadalways, up until that point,
felt different, felt like Ididn't really fit in.
I didn't, I didn't seem like Ilooked like and was wired like
(06:11):
other people.
So when this alternative optionwas presented to me, it was
really easy to make a story inmy mind that connected all the
dots.
It was like oh, that's why Ireally loved hanging out with
that coach and oh, that's why,you know, I like to do sports
rather than other things Like it.
Just I could use thisexplanation or label to make so
(06:33):
much of my life that didn't makesense all of a sudden make
sense.
And so I started to reallyquestion, like, maybe, maybe I'm
gay, maybe this is who I am,and that was kind of the very
beginning part of the journey.
Obviously, I was in a Christianhousehold, so this was not
something that was accepted orpromoted or celebrated, but this
(06:53):
was the first time that Istarted grappling with the well,
who am I really?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
And so, on the other hand, the Christian upbringing
that you experienced.
How did that impact you?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Yeah, I think it just created a lot of conflict in me
, like I knew.
Certainly I didn't have a depthof knowledge of the Bible.
I mean, I was still a teenagerand I think I was doing youth
group things and going to church, but I don't I wouldn't
necessarily say I had a deeppersonal relationship where I
knew Jesus closely.
I think I was just kind of inthe context of religion, of what
(07:26):
that looked like.
So there was nothing really forme to lean on other than what
the people around me were, youknow, saying was true and not
true.
And so, yeah, that's I kind of.
When my parents found out that Ihad been choosing a gay
lifestyle, they confronted meabout it and asked me if that
what was going on.
(07:46):
And we ended up going to talkto the pastor and the pastor
made it really clear that fromhis perspective as somebody who
is deeply, you know, in study ofGod and the scriptures, that
that was not in alignment for mylife and who God was calling me
to be.
But in my mind I was like, well, I look around this church and
I see a lot of people who are,you know, they, just they.
(08:08):
I don't feel like I fit in here, whereas this community over
here is telling me we all belongand love.
It's all about love and it'sall about being yourself and
being unique, and so holdingthose two things up the one of
be yourself and be who you know,who you're uniquely meant to be
seemed like a stronger messagecoming from the LGBTQ community
(08:30):
than it did coming from theChristian environment.
I was personally in.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
So do you think, in a sense, it was a rebellion
against God, or maybe arebellion against your parents?
Speaker 3 (08:44):
I don't think so.
It doesn't, because I wasalways the kid who was like I
was the good kid.
In fact, this was a reallydisturbing time in my life
because it was the first timethat I was like quote in trouble
.
You know, like I had alwaysgotten the good grades.
I was always the well-behavedperson, polite to people.
I actually loved approval.
I loved adults approval.
So I always was a pretty goodkid, and this was the first time
(09:06):
that I really was all of asudden being looked at by people
as there was something wrongwith me, and so that was part of
the struggle.
Is I really wanted this to beokay?
Because it felt like somehow,the way I told the story to
myself, I began to believe thatthis really was who I was, and
so then it was like well, whyare these people telling me that
(09:27):
this isn't who I am or that Ican't be this?
And it was more confusion thanrebellion, of like.
But I do think this is who I amand everything I'm seeing about
this community aligns with meand what I'm feeling, and so it
wasn't so much rebellion as likeI don't understand why this is
in conflict.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
So not only you embraced the LGBTQ lifestyle,
you became an advocate for thatlifestyle, and so you wrote a
book called Gay the Prey Away.
And what is the book about?
What prompted you to write thisbook?
Obviously, it was written outof pain, yeah.
And what is the book about in?
What prompted you to write thisbook?
Obviously, it was written outof pain, yeah.
And what is the book about in anutshell?
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Yeah.
So when I was coming out ofthat teenager experience, I was
really looking for other like,for alternative interpretations
of scripture that would allow meto make peace with this
conflict in me.
And it was a time and it stillis a time, when you can find
churches that will say, oh, it'sokay to be gay.
You can find that.
You can find books that willsay, well, those verses didn't
(10:31):
actually mean that and what theyreally meant was this.
And so I got really into allthe alternative interpretations
of some of the parts ofScripture that we use to justify
why God says we shouldn't livethat lifestyle, and I was really
wanting those to be truebecause it allowed me to stay in
the lifestyle that felt likewho I was.
(10:52):
And so when I would find thosealternative interpretations,
what I noticed started happening.
I didn't notice this untillater, when I actually got saved
, but what was happening at thetime was I started really
questioning the Bible, becauseif every one of those verses
could be misinterpreted, thenthat means the entire Bible
could be misinterpreted.
Like what is truth?
(11:12):
What can I trust in the Bible,felt flawed, or like maybe
somebody had interpretedsomething wrong.
All of a sudden, it's like Ilost this anchor in my life.
I lost this, this plumb line oflike something I could rely on
to tell me right from wrong whenI didn't know, or truth from
(11:35):
from lies when I didn't know.
And so, without that guide, Ikind of had to figure it out for
my own, for myself, and I stillhad Christian morals, but now I
didn't have the Christianbelief system anymore.
I started to question well,maybe Jesus isn't even the
Savior, maybe we're not evensinners, because if they say
being gay is a sin, but thesepeople say it's not a sin, then
(11:57):
maybe none of this stuff is asin.
It was very easy for me to walkfarther and farther and farther
away, and the farther away Iwalked, the more angry I got at
Christianity, because it feltlike that was a very black and
white belief system.
And now I'm walking in all thisgray space and the black and
white felt like why are we doingthis?
(12:18):
Why are we causing people somuch pain and so much harm?
And so my book and my advocacyplatform that I got on was one
of very.
I was criticizing the church.
I was saying that we werecausing a lot of harm.
The church was causing a lot ofharm to the LGBTQ community and
to other people who didn't fitin and felt marginalized, and
(12:39):
that us being so black and whiteand judgmental and unaccepting
was creating suffering and painin other people, which,
ironically, is one of thereasons I was so drawn to some
of the Buddhist practices andwhen you said earlier I was
(13:00):
Buddhist, I was practicingBuddhist, worshiping Buddha, but
I was very much into thenonviolent types of Buddhism
that came from Thich Nhat Hanhand other teachers who were
preaching like let's not hateeach other, let's not cause harm
to each other, and it I wasgoing to have a platform and
write a book and help people whoare being judged by the church
really honestly come back to God, but in a way that didn't have
(13:32):
all the baggage of pain of ajudgmental church behind it.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
So I think it's interesting, because that need
for spiritual connection withGod never left you.
You were just trying to fill itwith something else and somehow
reconcile your choice of adifferent lifestyle, you know,
with still the need to have Godin your life.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
That's it 100%.
I even would love to comment onthat because I used to joke
that I was the gay person in thespiritual conversations.
Because I joke that I was thegay person in the spiritual
conversations because I was likeI felt like I was the only
person who was identifying asgay, who actually cared about
God and spirituality and likewanting to have spirituality in
my life, but then I was also theonly like I was the only
(14:18):
spiritual person in the gaycommunity, the only gay person
in the spiritual community.
It was like I still didn't fitin.
All my efforts to fit in, I waslike I still don't fit in.
I don't even fit in in theLGBTQ community.
I don't fit in anywhere.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Or even in the Buddhist community, because you
weren't a classical Buddhisteither.
Right.
So it seemed like building thisnew identity was not super
satisfying.
So, looking back, did theseidentities that you constructed,
did they bring you peace orsense of control?
Speaker 3 (14:51):
No, in fact that's really how things started to
crumble is that I got to 40years old and I'm like, okay,
everything, I, all these pathsthat I thought were going to
bring me this, this satisfaction, everything hasn't like.
You know it.
I thought if I just found theright relationship partner uh,
(15:14):
intimate partner then you knowI'd finally find it.
If I found the right job, I'dfinally find it.
And it just never did.
And it was.
It was actually shocking to mebecause I'm like you know, by 40
, you've tried, like I couldexplain okay, maybe I found the
wrong partner first, buteventually you'll get the right
one.
Or, you know, maybe I found thewrong career first, but
eventually you'll get the rightone.
(15:34):
But as I was getting to 40, I'mlike, oh well, I still haven't
found it, then maybe I'm notlooking in the right place.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
And then your wall literally collapsed when you
were diagnosed with cancerno-transcript.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Yeah, I mean this is something I can say in hindsight
.
I would say in the moment Iwasn't in this place.
But yeah, all of a sudden I gotthis cancer diagnosis and it
was completely out of the blueand it completely shocked me and
rocked my world on so manyaccounts.
Like I was, I was very healthy,I was very fit, I was very
active on on and I was, I justeverything.
(16:13):
I had a very positive mindset,like there.
I really didn't have anyfactors that would make sense
for me to have cancer.
So, because I still had a deepspirituality in me, even though
it was misguided and I hadwalked away from the true
spirituality, there was still aseeker in me.
And so when this cancerdiagnosis came, I had people in
my life who were saying, look,this is no big deal.
(16:35):
You know, people get a breastcancer diagnosis often.
You could actually have surgerythis weekend and it would be
all behind you and you couldjust go on with your life.
But there was something deep inmy spirit that was saying, no,
that's not why you have this,this isn't a diagnosis, it's an
accident.
It isn't here because you'rejust supposed to have a quick
surgery and go on with life,like somebody's trying to get my
(16:58):
attention.
God is trying to get myattention and I just knew it.
I just knew that this washappening for a reason and I
didn't know what the reason was.
But I will say that I felt likethere was a kindness along with
this diagnosis, that I just hada knowing in me that the thing
I'm looking for it's like Ireally felt like the message was
the thing you're looking for ison the other side of this
(17:19):
journey, if you'll go on thisjourney with me.
I felt like God was saying thatto me, like, yes, you have
cancer, but the what you'relooking for, what you've been
seeking for your whole life, ison the other side of this
journey, if you'll go with me ona journey and so what did your
first step back to God look like?
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Like?
Well, it had to have been verydifficult, since you were
estranged from your family forall these years.
As you were building thisdifferent identity for yourself,
what did you do?
Speaker 3 (17:52):
I was so entrenched in my identities that the cancer
had to actually strip them awayfrom me.
I wasn't ready to walk awayfrom anything and let them go,
but just God moved.
Like like one of the things Goddid was during this cancer
journey.
I had moved out of the house Iwas living in, which was in the
relationship that I was in, tofocus on healing, and so God
(18:13):
just created a space for me ofthe relationship I was in which
I wouldn't have been able toprobably pry myself away from on
my own.
But God did that with thecancer diagnosis.
So now I'm living solo and I'mstarting to just question things
like who am I if I'm nothealthy and fit like I've always
thought I was?
I have cancer now.
(18:33):
So who am I?
Because I thought I was thisperson, but now I have this.
So, just like God started tostrip down all these identities
and walls I had put up, and oneof the ones God went for was my
LGBTQ identity or identification, and the way he did that you
know God is going to meet everyone of us exactly the way we
need to be met.
In my case, he put a person inmy life who just very casually,
(18:58):
wasn't trying to be offensive inany way, but it was a guy in my
life and he said to me you knowyou keep saying you're gay, but
I just don't see it and thatseems very simple, that seems
like no big deal, just a line.
But for somebody whose identitywas so rooted in that and I
even had a platform where I wasout talking to people about
being gay as my livelihood Forhim to say that it shocked me,
(19:23):
it like rocked my world.
I'm like, are you kidding me?
I'm the person who walks in theroom and everybody's like oh,
she's gay.
Like to have somebody whoinnocently, who didn't know
anything about the gay community, look at me as just a person
and say, oh no, you seem veryfeminine to me, you seem very
like a normal woman to me.
I just it was shocking and itmade me start questioning things
(19:46):
.
And so, just like identityafter identity started to go
down, one of the identities Iwas really attached to was that
I was going to heal myself ofcancer.
It was part of my spiritualjourney.
I was on is like okay, if I canself-actualize enough, using
new age spiritual principles andother things, I can heal myself
of this cancer and, despitewhat I did, it wasn't working.
(20:08):
The tumor was not going awayand I was measuring it and I was
, you know, doing all the thingsand it wasn't going away.
So that was another strippingdown of like, okay, maybe what
you think is true is it true?
So all of that happened andwhere I think the door really
opened was I got to a pointwhere my family said will you
come back to Texas and live withus as you're healing from this?
(20:33):
And I was fighting that toothand nail because I'm like the
last thing I want as a new agespiritual believer is to be
around this negative energy ofmy family, because they're all
Christian and they're alljudgmental and they're all going
to tell me what I can do andwhat I can't do.
And I can't be around thatright now because if I go in
their energy I'm never going toheal myself.
But I had spent all my money.
(20:53):
I was no longer speakingpublicly.
My platform kind of had topause when I was fighting cancer
, not to mention now I'm likewell, I don't even know if I'm
gay anymore, so I don't feelright about going out in the
world and speaking about beinggay.
So, like my job stopped, mylife stopped and I started
running out of money.
So now I'm like, oh man, Iguess I am going to have to go
(21:14):
live with my family.
I'm gonna be that 40 somethingyear old who's living in the
backyard of their parents' house, like what I felt.
Like a total failure, like whathave I done with my life?
My life is a mess.
That's kind of how I felt.
And so I came back to Texas andI told my parents look, I am
here to heal my relationshipwith you guys and I'm so
(21:36):
grateful that you're being kindand taking me in right now in
this moment of need that I have.
But the one topic that's offlimits to talk about is religion
.
We're not doing it because it'sjust going to create a fight.
I don't want to hear about yourChristianity.
I don't want you to shove itdown my throat.
Not interested.
And you know how.
You know God's just laughing.
I think he just laughs.
So I'm sitting here and I'mstarting to get to know my
sister again, like I'd beenestranged from my family for
(21:58):
like 25 years.
It's not like I never talked tothem.
I would come to the big holidaythings or you know big,
important things, but wecouldn't be more different and
so I didn't really get to knowthem.
I didn't let them know me.
We had a lot of walls up.
But as I'm spending more timewith my sister, I'm starting to
notice like her version ofChristianity is very different
than what I remembered from mychildhood.
(22:19):
Like my childhood and it mighthave just been, I was immature
and didn't understand it.
But my sister is aspirit-filled Christian and she
has dreams and she like she getsguidance for people, like she
has prophetic words comingthrough her.
Like this was always part of mynew age world, but I didn't
realize it was part ofChristianity.
(22:40):
I thought I had to leaveChristianity and so if I was
getting things like dreams orfeeling like intuitive knowings
about things, I thought thatwasn't God, that wasn't
Christianity.
When I started observing mysister and how deeply rooted in
faith she was and how deeplyrooted in Christ she was and not
to mention she had a breastcancer scare the same time I did
(23:00):
and hers actually did getmiraculously healed and mine
didn't my new agey, I'm going toheal myself versus her
Christian prayers she had themiracle that I was looking for.
So I'm like what is going onhere and I just started to get
curious and I told my sister I'mlike I didn't know that was
(23:21):
Christianity.
And she's like, yeah, this isit.
Like I know the way we grew upwasn't a spirit-filled church,
but when you bring the spiritand the word together, this is
Christianity.
And I'm like I want to knowmore about this.
And she's like I want to knowmore about this.
And she's like I want you tocome with me to a conference.
And the conference she took meto was a missionary conference,
(23:45):
so it was.
You know, it was throughAntioch Church actually, and
they have a whole movement ofChristian.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
It was in Waco, texas , but so I went to this
conference.
My son is involved with Antioch.
He attends Antioch DC Church,so I'm very, very familiar.
They're awesome.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
You're very familiar.
Yeah, so they have a conferencecalled World Mandate every year
and my sister had gone to itfor 20, I think 20 years and she
was like I want you to comewith me.
And I was in this kind of likeI'm partially open, but also
still have my old cynicism in meand I'm like, okay, well, if
I'm supposed to go, I'm brokeright now.
So God's going to have to orsomebody's going to have to pay
(24:16):
for it.
And wouldn't you know, a ticketshows up, a hotel room shows up
.
So I'm like, all right, I thinkGod wants me there, I'm going
to surrender, I'm going to go.
So I go to this conference andsome man was speaking on stage
and my sister said to me, shenudged, she elbowed me and she
said, hey, I've been at thisconference 20 years and it's
usually the same speakers, butI've never seen this guy before
(24:38):
and I think he's here to talk toyou and I'm like, let's see
what he says.
The first words out of his mouthwere when I was growing up, I
always felt different.
I'm like that's me.
I can relate to that.
That was my story.
I always felt different.
And he said in his life herealized the reason he felt
different was because God hadset him apart for God's purposes
(25:01):
, for his purposes, and in thisman's case it was to be a
missionary.
But in general it was just theconcept of being different
because I'm set apart.
It resonated with me so deeplybecause I have always felt kind
of set apart and I didn'tunderstand it.
And so it just like a lightbulb went on in that moment and
I remember praying this prayer.
In that moment I was like, okay,god, you're going to have to
(25:23):
help me, because I have a lot ofbeliefs in me.
I have a lot of beliefs ofwhat's right and what's wrong
and what's true and what's nottrue, and about
self-actualization and about whoI am and who you are, god.
I have a lot of beliefs.
The same way that cancerstripped my identities down.
I'm asking you, god, to emptyme.
Like, will you just empty me ofevery belief I have, whether
(25:44):
it's good or bad, whether it'sright or wrong, even the good
ones?
Empty them and only fill meback with truth.
And I don't even know whattruth is, but I'm asking you to
fill me back with truth.
And then another man spoke atthis conference and he talked
about the Bible and he saidBilly Graham had a crisis of
faith and in Billy Graham'scrisis of faith, he had a moment
where he had to put the Bibleon a step and get lower than the
(26:06):
Bible and say, from this pointon, if I have a question or
problem about something I readin this book, instead of
questioning the book, I'm goingto question me.
That was profound for mebecause I had always said well,
I have a problem with this inthe Bible and I have a problem
with this in a Bible, and I havea problem with when God did
that to those people and whenGod did that to those people and
the thought of wait, what if Iinstead questioned my own
(26:29):
thinking and my own thoughts,like what if I just don't
understand something?
And God is supreme and I'm theone who's flawed in thinking,
rather than I'm supreme and Godis the one who has flawed
actions or practices?
It was revolutionary and fromthat point on, I told my sister
I want to go back to the Bible,I want to read it again, I want
to understand it differently,but I have blocks, I think it's
(26:49):
been manipulated.
And she said well, let's watchthe case for faith and let's
dive into some of theapologetics that have proven
that the Bible is actually trueand has actually not been
manipulated by man, like Ibelieve it has.
And she walked every step ofthat journey with me.
We unpacked all my wrong views,we unpacked all my questions
(27:09):
and skepticism into the pointwhere I'm like, okay, god, I
believe.
And I started reading the Bibleand I saw it so differently
than I've ever seen it before.
And it's just been one thingafter another since then.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
And how incredible it is that once you allowed God to
rebuild your true identity orrather reveal your true identity
, because it was always there itwas just hidden under the pile
of lies.
So once that true identity wasrevealed, he sends you on a
mission trip to Albania, thecountry you didn't even know
(27:44):
existed really, or knew verylittle about.
And so how your experience?
I didn't get to be with you onthis trip, but I know that you
were very impactful.
You were a great asset to theteam.
Very impactful, you were agreat asset to the team, but I
want you for our listeners tohear from your perspective how
(28:05):
did you feel that God used youin this newly discovered
identity of yours?
Speaker 3 (28:11):
Yeah, I did not think I was ready to go on a trip.
I mean, I was just baptizedless than a year ago, so like I
kind of thought I'm in the phaseof just learning and taking
everything in and maybe laterI'll be able to be on mission
for God.
But right now I'm still just ababy and I have a lot to learn
and I have a lot to relearn andunlearn.
And so when this callinghappened, I was a little bit
(28:34):
curious like God, what are youwanting from me in this?
Like how can I possibly be in aplace where I could serve you
now, at this stage?
And I think one thing he wasdoing was immersing me in a
training.
I really do think that, becausewhat's great about World
Mission Alliance is you're in acommunity with so many other
(28:55):
believers of all different walksand different levels and stages
in their faith journey.
So I was on this trip with somevery deeply spiritual believers
who have been walking with theLord for a very long time, and I
felt like there was a lot ofmentoring going on for me
personally, like I got to bementored by a lot of these very
deeply faith-filled and justspirit-led people, and that was
(29:18):
amazing.
But what I think I was beingcalled to help with is I have a
very enthusiastic personality Ialways have.
It's just how I'm wired and Ididn't realize that part of
mission work was supporting andencouraging the local church on
the ground.
I just had this very skewedvision of what a missionary did.
I kind of had a vision thatthey go out into areas and
(29:42):
there's a little bit of a whitesavior complex to them and they
go in and they tell other people, look, our way is the bright
way and your way is the wrongway, and get on board and I
didn't want to have any part inthat.
That felt mean to me and notgreat.
But when I learned that reallywhat we were doing mostly on
this mission trip was aligningwith the local church that's
already on the ground, which arelocal Albanians who are born
(30:04):
and raised in Albania, who careso much for their people and
their community and theircountrymen that they're bringing
them the good news and they'retired and they've been working
hard and they've been the oneswho are sowing those sowing the
harvest right, like sowing thefields.
You know what is it?
We sow in tears but we reap injoy.
Right, they're sowing in tearsright now and to get to be a
(30:26):
part of a group that drops in onthem and just feeds into them
and encourages them and prayswith them and strengthens them
and rejuvenates what they'redoing and the effort they're
doing.
I loved that part of it.
It was great.
I was so inspired by those whoare on the ground doing the work
and just to see them light upat the thought of seeing all of
us come in as reinforcements forwhat they're doing.
(30:47):
It was so wonderful.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
You know, your journey, as painful as it has
been for you personally, putsyou in a unique position to be
an advocate and an encouragerfor people who maybe are facing
an identity crisis, and itdoesn't have to be necessarily
in the area of sexuality,because we build our identities
(31:10):
based on many different thingssuccess and all kinds of
different values that are notgoing to withstand necessarily a
big crisis in life, and so ifwe have listeners who are facing
something like this in theirlives right now, what words of
(31:31):
advice or encouragement do youhave for them?
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Yeah, I continued to grapple with identity through
the whole cancer journey until Igot to a point where I'm like I
really don't even know whattruth is anymore and it felt
like such a dark, a darkness.
It was almost like there was nofloor underneath me because
everything that I was standingon as solid started to crumble.
And that was a terrifyingfeeling, feeling and I think
(32:00):
anybody who's struggling withidentity where there's anything
that they've been grasping to asthis is the truth when that
starts to either get holes pokedin it or to crumble, it can
feel like you're completelyfalling in a void of nothingness
and it's terrifying.
And when I was in that void ofnothingness, jesus showed up to
me and he said you're lookingfor the truth, I am the truth.
And then he said and youridentity?
(32:22):
You are a child of God.
Like that's who I was, like Idon't know who I am anymore.
And he said you are a child ofGod, that's who I say you are.
You've said you're all theseother things, but who I say you
are is a child of God.
And I he just like.
That was the clear answer and Ijust knew it once it landed that
that's the truth and everythingelse was just things I had put
(32:42):
on on top of it.
So that was, that is what Iwould say to anybody who's
listening, who, whether it besomething that feels core to
your identity, of like, oh well,I could never not be this thing
, or I could never not identifyas that.
Or whether it even just besomething that you're grasping
to like, oh well, my securitycomes this.
If you allow that to crumble,as scary as it may feel, what
(33:03):
you're going to find is thatthere's even a more solid ground
underneath all that that ischild of God and standing in the
truth of the way, the truth andthe life.
Who is Jesus?
Speaker 2 (33:14):
That is beautiful.
So I have to ask the finalquestion Are you cancer-free
today?
Speaker 3 (33:21):
I am cancer-free.
Today I am.
I became cancer-free on mygrandmother's birthday, which is
fascinating.
And what's even morefascinating is part of becoming
cancer-free.
I didn't want to just like, Ididn't want to forget this
moment in time.
This has been such asignificant moment Like it feels
(33:41):
like God didn't save my lifefrom cancer.
He used cancer to save my life,if that makes sense.
Like it isn't even just I'mcancer-free, it's like my life
has been saved through thisexperience.
I don't mean my physical life,I mean my life has been saved
through this experience.
(34:02):
And when I had my first, I gotto have my first Easter as a
believer, which was a wildexperience, because Easter is
just such a celebration of whatChristianity is all about.
And I remember sitting in thebig sanctuary and you know it's
the day when the church ispacked, because everybody who
doesn't go to church all of asudden starts coming to church
on that day.
And I'm looking around thiscongregation and there's
thousands in the room.
And I remember in that momentJesus met me there and he said,
(34:25):
hey, I left all those 99 to comeget the one to come get you.
I left them all to come get youbecause I cared about you
because I wanted you here withme.
I didn't wanna do anotherEaster without you, because this
is a joyful day and my joy iscomplete when you're here with
me.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
That's an incredible story, erica.
Thank you for sharing it, beingvery transparent and I have no
doubt it's going to encourageand inspire people to pursue
their identity as a child of GodAmen.
Pursue their identity as achild of God Amen.
Erica's story is a reminderthat we are not the sum of our
(35:08):
choices, our desires or ourfailures.
Our truest identity isn'tsomething we achieve or assert.
It's something we receive, andit can be only found in the gaze
of the one who created us.
(35:31):
If you've ever been wrestlingwith who you are, where you
belong or where you can everfind your way back to faith, let
this be your invitation.
You're not beyond the reach ofgrace, as Erica has shown us,
even after decades away, there'salways a way home.
Thank you for listening toLimitless Spirit.
If your heart is stirred totake the gospel to the nations,
(35:53):
I encourage you to visit ourwebsite, rfwmaorg.
Just like Erica, you can findan opportunity to serve in the
Great Commission and share yourpersonal testimony with someone
who is looking for hope and love.
If this episode moved, you,share it with someone who needs
(36:14):
to hear it.
Subscribe to our podcast, leaveus a review and stay connected
as we continue to explore howGod meets us right where we are
and leads us beyond where weever thought we could go, until
next time.
I'm Helen Todd.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Limitless Spirit Podcast is produced by World
Missions Alliance.
We believe that changed liveschange lives.
If your life was transformed byChrist, you are equipped to
help others experience thistransformation.
Christ called his followers tomake disciples across the world.
World Missions Alliance givesyou an opportunity to do this
(36:58):
through short-term missions inover 32 countries across the
globe.
If you want to help those whoare hurting and hopeless and
discover your greater purpose inserving, check out our website,
rfwmaorg, and find out how toget involved.
Welcome to Limitless Spirit, a weekly podcast with
host Helen Todd, where sheinterviews guests about pursuing
spiritual growth, discoveringlife's purpose through serving
others and developing a deeperfaith in Christ.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Welcome to Limitless Spirit, where we explore the
stories of transformation,purpose and faith that shape our
lives.
I'm your host, helen Todd.
Today we're diving deep intoone of the most personal and
often painful areas of the humanexperience identity.
My guest is Erica Lambrough.
(00:39):
She was raised in a Christianhome, but as a teenager she
walked away from the faith andembraced a homosexual identity,
became a passionate advocate forLGBTQ and wrote a book titled
Gay the Pray Away, challengingthe church and its stance on
(00:59):
sexuality.
Along the way, she exploredBuddhism, moved, moved away from
her family and spent 25 yearsbuilding a life apart from god
she once knew.
But when erica was diagnosedwith cancer, everything she had
built, every identity she hadclung to, began to crumble, and
(01:22):
in that place of brokenness sheencountered something greater.
This is a powerful conversationabout the false selves we
construct, the pain of searchingand the beauty of being found,
not just by God but in God.
Stay with us for an honest,redemptive and deeply human
(01:44):
journey.
With us for an honest,redemptive and deeply human
journey.
Good morning, erika.
Welcome to the Limitless Spirit.
How are you today?
Thank you so much for invitingme on today.
So I love how God connected youwith World Missions Alliance,
our ministry, and essentiallythat's how we met, and it was
(02:05):
through a dream.
God can do some crazy thingsthrough our dreams, so do you
mind sharing this with ourlisteners?
It's a wild story.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
I would be so excited to share it.
Yeah, so I was not planning togo on a mission trip.
In fact, that wasn't the firstthing, that wasn't even the last
thing on my mind.
But, yes, I had a dream and itwas short, but it was very
specific.
And in the dream I was rushingthrough the airport to get on an
airplane very specifically forAlbania and very specifically
(02:35):
for a mission trip.
And I woke up and I'm like thatis very where even is Albania?
That was my first question.
I had to look it up on a mapand see what it was.
And I called my sister, who hasbeen a mentor for me in the
faith, and kind of talked to herabout it and it was like, what
is this?
Is God trying to get me to goon a mission trip?
And she said, well, just dosome research.
(02:58):
I know this great organizationcalled World Mission Alliance
and you should look on theirwebsite and see if they have any
trips going to Albania.
And the coolest part of thiswhole story is that I contacted
you guys because I did noticethat you had a trip going to
Albania, but the trip was full.
So I wrote to you guys and Ijust said, hey, I had this dream
.
I don't know what it means.
It may mean nothing, I may haveeaten enchiladas last night,
but I had this dream.
And if you have a wait list orif you're doing another trip,
(03:21):
I'd love to be on the wait list.
And your people wrote me backand said, well, we were full for
this trip that's coming up in amonth, but we just had somebody
drop out and the date that thatperson had dropped out was
Wednesday.
And when I looked back to thenight, I had the dream it was
Wednesday night.
So it was like just so, soamazed.
So, god, so God.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
And God's timing is so precise.
You know.
You had the dream on Wednesday.
The person dropped off the teamon Wednesday.
To be honest, we don't even goto Albania every year.
We're not going to Albania nextyear.
We didn't go to Albania lastyear, but God.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
But God, I know, I know, and when stuff like that
happens, it really like youcan't help but pay attention,
because it's not justcommonplace Like it's not
commonplace that I'm thinkingabout the country Albania or
having dreams about the countryAlbania, and it's not
commonplace that this trip evenwas happening.
So it was clear that God wasmoving and I needed to pay
attention.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Well, in miraculous ways, god made a way for you in
a very short time to go and youwent and I'm excited for us to
talk about what happened there.
But we're going to jump intothe beginning of your story.
First, because just a few yearsago, if someone would tell you
that you will be going on amission trip sharing the gospel
(04:40):
in another country, you probablywould have laughed at this idea
, am I right?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
You are so right, I am a completely new creation,
different person than the personI was even two years ago.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
So you know, you were an activist in LGBTQ community.
You were a Buddhist.
You had an identity thatdoesn't really align with
sharing the gospel on themission trip.
But I'm excited to look back atyour story because I think it's
a very beautiful story andbeautiful in the way how God
(05:17):
pursues us, no matter where weare or even if we're running in
the opposite direction from him.
We are, or even if we'rerunning in the opposite
direction from him.
So I also think that it's astory about identity, and that's
a subject that is veryimportant in our lives from the
very beginning.
So you were born and grew up ina Christian home, so what was
(05:42):
the first time you startedlooking at your identity?
What prompted that?
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Yeah, it was one of those moments.
It was when I was a teenagerand it was the first time I'd
actually been exposed to otherpeople in the world who claimed
to be gay and were practicingLGBTQ lifestyles, and it was one
of those moments where I hadalways, up until that point,
felt different, felt like Ididn't really fit in.
I didn't, I didn't seem like Ilooked like and was wired like
(06:11):
other people.
So when this alternative optionwas presented to me, it was
really easy to make a story inmy mind that connected all the
dots.
It was like oh, that's why Ireally loved hanging out with
that coach and oh, that's why,you know, I like to do sports
rather than other things Like it.
Just I could use thisexplanation or label to make so
(06:33):
much of my life that didn't makesense all of a sudden make
sense.
And so I started to reallyquestion, like, maybe, maybe I'm
gay, maybe this is who I am,and that was kind of the very
beginning part of the journey.
Obviously, I was in a Christianhousehold, so this was not
something that was accepted orpromoted or celebrated, but this
(06:53):
was the first time that Istarted grappling with the well,
who am I really?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
And so, on the other hand, the Christian upbringing
that you experienced.
How did that impact you?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Yeah, I think it just created a lot of conflict in me
, like I knew.
Certainly I didn't have a depthof knowledge of the Bible.
I mean, I was still a teenagerand I think I was doing youth
group things and going to church, but I don't I wouldn't
necessarily say I had a deeppersonal relationship where I
knew Jesus closely.
I think I was just kind of inthe context of religion, of what
(07:26):
that looked like.
So there was nothing really forme to lean on other than what
the people around me were, youknow, saying was true and not
true.
And so, yeah, that's I kind of.
When my parents found out that Ihad been choosing a gay
lifestyle, they confronted meabout it and asked me if that
what was going on.
(07:46):
And we ended up going to talkto the pastor and the pastor
made it really clear that fromhis perspective as somebody who
is deeply, you know, in study ofGod and the scriptures, that
that was not in alignment for mylife and who God was calling me
to be.
But in my mind I was like, well, I look around this church and
I see a lot of people who are,you know, they, just they.
(08:08):
I don't feel like I fit in here, whereas this community over
here is telling me we all belongand love.
It's all about love and it'sall about being yourself and
being unique, and so holdingthose two things up the one of
be yourself and be who you know,who you're uniquely meant to be
seemed like a stronger messagecoming from the LGBTQ community
(08:30):
than it did coming from theChristian environment.
I was personally in.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
So do you think, in a sense, it was a rebellion
against God, or maybe arebellion against your parents?
Speaker 3 (08:44):
I don't think so.
It doesn't, because I wasalways the kid who was like I
was the good kid.
In fact, this was a reallydisturbing time in my life
because it was the first timethat I was like quote in trouble
.
You know, like I had alwaysgotten the good grades.
I was always the well-behavedperson, polite to people.
I actually loved approval.
I loved adults approval.
So I always was a pretty goodkid, and this was the first time
(09:06):
that I really was all of asudden being looked at by people
as there was something wrongwith me, and so that was part of
the struggle.
Is I really wanted this to beokay?
Because it felt like somehow,the way I told the story to
myself, I began to believe thatthis really was who I was, and
so then it was like well, whyare these people telling me that
(09:27):
this isn't who I am or that Ican't be this?
And it was more confusion thanrebellion, of like.
But I do think this is who I amand everything I'm seeing about
this community aligns with meand what I'm feeling, and so it
wasn't so much rebellion as likeI don't understand why this is
in conflict.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
So not only you embraced the LGBTQ lifestyle,
you became an advocate for thatlifestyle, and so you wrote a
book called Gay the Prey Away.
And what is the book about?
What prompted you to write thisbook?
Obviously, it was written outof pain, yeah.
And what is the book about in?
What prompted you to write thisbook?
Obviously, it was written outof pain, yeah.
And what is the book about in anutshell?
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Yeah.
So when I was coming out ofthat teenager experience, I was
really looking for other like,for alternative interpretations
of scripture that would allow meto make peace with this
conflict in me.
And it was a time and it stillis a time, when you can find
churches that will say, oh, it'sokay to be gay.
You can find that.
You can find books that willsay, well, those verses didn't
(10:31):
actually mean that and what theyreally meant was this.
And so I got really into allthe alternative interpretations
of some of the parts ofScripture that we use to justify
why God says we shouldn't livethat lifestyle, and I was really
wanting those to be truebecause it allowed me to stay in
the lifestyle that felt likewho I was.
(10:52):
And so when I would find thosealternative interpretations,
what I noticed started happening.
I didn't notice this untillater, when I actually got saved
, but what was happening at thetime was I started really
questioning the Bible, becauseif every one of those verses
could be misinterpreted, thenthat means the entire Bible
could be misinterpreted.
Like what is truth?
(11:12):
What can I trust in the Bible,felt flawed, or like maybe
somebody had interpretedsomething wrong.
All of a sudden, it's like Ilost this anchor in my life.
I lost this, this plumb line oflike something I could rely on
to tell me right from wrong whenI didn't know, or truth from
(11:35):
from lies when I didn't know.
And so, without that guide, Ikind of had to figure it out for
my own, for myself, and I stillhad Christian morals, but now I
didn't have the Christianbelief system anymore.
I started to question well,maybe Jesus isn't even the
Savior, maybe we're not evensinners, because if they say
being gay is a sin, but thesepeople say it's not a sin, then
(11:57):
maybe none of this stuff is asin.
It was very easy for me to walkfarther and farther and farther
away, and the farther away Iwalked, the more angry I got at
Christianity, because it feltlike that was a very black and
white belief system.
And now I'm walking in all thisgray space and the black and
white felt like why are we doingthis?
(12:18):
Why are we causing people somuch pain and so much harm?
And so my book and my advocacyplatform that I got on was one
of very.
I was criticizing the church.
I was saying that we werecausing a lot of harm.
The church was causing a lot ofharm to the LGBTQ community and
to other people who didn't fitin and felt marginalized, and
(12:39):
that us being so black and whiteand judgmental and unaccepting
was creating suffering and painin other people, which,
ironically, is one of thereasons I was so drawn to some
of the Buddhist practices andwhen you said earlier I was
(13:00):
Buddhist, I was practicingBuddhist, worshiping Buddha, but
I was very much into thenonviolent types of Buddhism
that came from Thich Nhat Hanhand other teachers who were
preaching like let's not hateeach other, let's not cause harm
to each other, and it I wasgoing to have a platform and
write a book and help people whoare being judged by the church
really honestly come back to God, but in a way that didn't have
(13:32):
all the baggage of pain of ajudgmental church behind it.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
So I think it's interesting, because that need
for spiritual connection withGod never left you.
You were just trying to fill itwith something else and somehow
reconcile your choice of adifferent lifestyle, you know,
with still the need to have Godin your life.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
That's it 100%.
I even would love to comment onthat because I used to joke
that I was the gay person in thespiritual conversations.
Because I joke that I was thegay person in the spiritual
conversations because I was likeI felt like I was the only
person who was identifying asgay, who actually cared about
God and spirituality and likewanting to have spirituality in
my life, but then I was also theonly like I was the only
(14:18):
spiritual person in the gaycommunity, the only gay person
in the spiritual community.
It was like I still didn't fitin.
All my efforts to fit in, I waslike I still don't fit in.
I don't even fit in in theLGBTQ community.
I don't fit in anywhere.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Or even in the Buddhist community, because you
weren't a classical Buddhisteither.
Right.
So it seemed like building thisnew identity was not super
satisfying.
So, looking back, did theseidentities that you constructed,
did they bring you peace orsense of control?
Speaker 3 (14:51):
No, in fact that's really how things started to
crumble is that I got to 40years old and I'm like, okay,
everything, I, all these pathsthat I thought were going to
bring me this, this satisfaction, everything hasn't like.
You know it.
I thought if I just found theright relationship partner uh,
(15:14):
intimate partner then you knowI'd finally find it.
If I found the right job, I'dfinally find it.
And it just never did.
And it was.
It was actually shocking to mebecause I'm like you know, by 40
, you've tried, like I couldexplain okay, maybe I found the
wrong partner first, buteventually you'll get the right
one.
Or, you know, maybe I found thewrong career first, but
eventually you'll get the rightone.
(15:34):
But as I was getting to 40, I'mlike, oh well, I still haven't
found it, then maybe I'm notlooking in the right place.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
And then your wall literally collapsed when you
were diagnosed with cancerno-transcript.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Yeah, I mean this is something I can say in hindsight
.
I would say in the moment Iwasn't in this place.
But yeah, all of a sudden I gotthis cancer diagnosis and it
was completely out of the blueand it completely shocked me and
rocked my world on so manyaccounts.
Like I was, I was very healthy,I was very fit, I was very
active on on and I was, I justeverything.
(16:13):
I had a very positive mindset,like there.
I really didn't have anyfactors that would make sense
for me to have cancer.
So, because I still had a deepspirituality in me, even though
it was misguided and I hadwalked away from the true
spirituality, there was still aseeker in me.
And so when this cancerdiagnosis came, I had people in
my life who were saying, look,this is no big deal.
(16:35):
You know, people get a breastcancer diagnosis often.
You could actually have surgerythis weekend and it would be
all behind you and you couldjust go on with your life.
But there was something deep inmy spirit that was saying, no,
that's not why you have this,this isn't a diagnosis, it's an
accident.
It isn't here because you'rejust supposed to have a quick
surgery and go on with life,like somebody's trying to get my
(16:58):
attention.
God is trying to get myattention and I just knew it.
I just knew that this washappening for a reason and I
didn't know what the reason was.
But I will say that I felt likethere was a kindness along with
this diagnosis, that I just hada knowing in me that the thing
I'm looking for it's like Ireally felt like the message was
the thing you're looking for ison the other side of this
(17:19):
journey, if you'll go on thisjourney with me.
I felt like God was saying thatto me, like, yes, you have
cancer, but the what you'relooking for, what you've been
seeking for your whole life, ison the other side of this
journey, if you'll go with me ona journey and so what did your
first step back to God look like?
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Like?
Well, it had to have been verydifficult, since you were
estranged from your family forall these years.
As you were building thisdifferent identity for yourself,
what did you do?
Speaker 3 (17:52):
I was so entrenched in my identities that the cancer
had to actually strip them awayfrom me.
I wasn't ready to walk awayfrom anything and let them go,
but just God moved.
Like like one of the things Goddid was during this cancer
journey.
I had moved out of the house Iwas living in, which was in the
relationship that I was in, tofocus on healing, and so God
(18:13):
just created a space for me ofthe relationship I was in which
I wouldn't have been able toprobably pry myself away from on
my own.
But God did that with thecancer diagnosis.
So now I'm living solo and I'mstarting to just question things
like who am I if I'm nothealthy and fit like I've always
thought I was?
I have cancer now.
(18:33):
So who am I?
Because I thought I was thisperson, but now I have this.
So, just like God started tostrip down all these identities
and walls I had put up, and oneof the ones God went for was my
LGBTQ identity or identification, and the way he did that you
know God is going to meet everyone of us exactly the way we
need to be met.
In my case, he put a person inmy life who just very casually,
(18:58):
wasn't trying to be offensive inany way, but it was a guy in my
life and he said to me you knowyou keep saying you're gay, but
I just don't see it and thatseems very simple, that seems
like no big deal, just a line.
But for somebody whose identitywas so rooted in that and I
even had a platform where I wasout talking to people about
being gay as my livelihood Forhim to say that it shocked me,
(19:23):
it like rocked my world.
I'm like, are you kidding me?
I'm the person who walks in theroom and everybody's like oh,
she's gay.
Like to have somebody whoinnocently, who didn't know
anything about the gay community, look at me as just a person
and say, oh no, you seem veryfeminine to me, you seem very
like a normal woman to me.
I just it was shocking and itmade me start questioning things
(19:46):
.
And so, just like identityafter identity started to go
down, one of the identities Iwas really attached to was that
I was going to heal myself ofcancer.
It was part of my spiritualjourney.
I was on is like okay, if I canself-actualize enough, using
new age spiritual principles andother things, I can heal myself
of this cancer and, despitewhat I did, it wasn't working.
(20:08):
The tumor was not going awayand I was measuring it and I was
, you know, doing all the thingsand it wasn't going away.
So that was another strippingdown of like, okay, maybe what
you think is true is it true?
So all of that happened andwhere I think the door really
opened was I got to a pointwhere my family said will you
come back to Texas and live withus as you're healing from this?
(20:33):
And I was fighting that toothand nail because I'm like the
last thing I want as a new agespiritual believer is to be
around this negative energy ofmy family, because they're all
Christian and they're alljudgmental and they're all going
to tell me what I can do andwhat I can't do.
And I can't be around thatright now because if I go in
their energy I'm never going toheal myself.
But I had spent all my money.
(20:53):
I was no longer speakingpublicly.
My platform kind of had topause when I was fighting cancer
, not to mention now I'm likewell, I don't even know if I'm
gay anymore, so I don't feelright about going out in the
world and speaking about beinggay.
So, like my job stopped, mylife stopped and I started
running out of money.
So now I'm like, oh man, Iguess I am going to have to go
(21:14):
live with my family.
I'm gonna be that 40 somethingyear old who's living in the
backyard of their parents' house, like what I felt.
Like a total failure, like whathave I done with my life?
My life is a mess.
That's kind of how I felt.
And so I came back to Texas andI told my parents look, I am
here to heal my relationshipwith you guys and I'm so
(21:36):
grateful that you're being kindand taking me in right now in
this moment of need that I have.
But the one topic that's offlimits to talk about is religion
.
We're not doing it because it'sjust going to create a fight.
I don't want to hear about yourChristianity.
I don't want you to shove itdown my throat.
Not interested.
And you know how.
You know God's just laughing.
I think he just laughs.
So I'm sitting here and I'mstarting to get to know my
sister again, like I'd beenestranged from my family for
(21:58):
like 25 years.
It's not like I never talked tothem.
I would come to the big holidaythings or you know big,
important things, but wecouldn't be more different and
so I didn't really get to knowthem.
I didn't let them know me.
We had a lot of walls up.
But as I'm spending more timewith my sister, I'm starting to
notice like her version ofChristianity is very different
than what I remembered from mychildhood.
(22:19):
Like my childhood and it mighthave just been, I was immature
and didn't understand it.
But my sister is aspirit-filled Christian and she
has dreams and she like she getsguidance for people, like she
has prophetic words comingthrough her.
Like this was always part of mynew age world, but I didn't
realize it was part ofChristianity.
(22:40):
I thought I had to leaveChristianity and so if I was
getting things like dreams orfeeling like intuitive knowings
about things, I thought thatwasn't God, that wasn't
Christianity.
When I started observing mysister and how deeply rooted in
faith she was and how deeplyrooted in Christ she was and not
to mention she had a breastcancer scare the same time I did
(23:00):
and hers actually did getmiraculously healed and mine
didn't my new agey, I'm going toheal myself versus her
Christian prayers she had themiracle that I was looking for.
So I'm like what is going onhere and I just started to get
curious and I told my sister I'mlike I didn't know that was
(23:21):
Christianity.
And she's like, yeah, this isit.
Like I know the way we grew upwasn't a spirit-filled church,
but when you bring the spiritand the word together, this is
Christianity.
And I'm like I want to knowmore about this.
And she's like I want to knowmore about this.
And she's like I want you tocome with me to a conference.
And the conference she took meto was a missionary conference,
(23:45):
so it was.
You know, it was throughAntioch Church actually, and
they have a whole movement ofChristian.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
It was in Waco, texas , but so I went to this
conference.
My son is involved with Antioch.
He attends Antioch DC Church,so I'm very, very familiar.
They're awesome.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
You're very familiar.
Yeah, so they have a conferencecalled World Mandate every year
and my sister had gone to itfor 20, I think 20 years and she
was like I want you to comewith me.
And I was in this kind of likeI'm partially open, but also
still have my old cynicism in meand I'm like, okay, well, if
I'm supposed to go, I'm brokeright now.
So God's going to have to orsomebody's going to have to pay
(24:16):
for it.
And wouldn't you know, a ticketshows up, a hotel room shows up
.
So I'm like, all right, I thinkGod wants me there, I'm going
to surrender, I'm going to go.
So I go to this conference andsome man was speaking on stage
and my sister said to me, shenudged, she elbowed me and she
said, hey, I've been at thisconference 20 years and it's
usually the same speakers, butI've never seen this guy before
(24:38):
and I think he's here to talk toyou and I'm like, let's see
what he says.
The first words out of his mouthwere when I was growing up, I
always felt different.
I'm like that's me.
I can relate to that.
That was my story.
I always felt different.
And he said in his life herealized the reason he felt
different was because God hadset him apart for God's purposes
(25:01):
, for his purposes, and in thisman's case it was to be a
missionary.
But in general it was just theconcept of being different
because I'm set apart.
It resonated with me so deeplybecause I have always felt kind
of set apart and I didn'tunderstand it.
And so it just like a lightbulb went on in that moment and
I remember praying this prayer.
In that moment I was like, okay,god, you're going to have to
(25:23):
help me, because I have a lot ofbeliefs in me.
I have a lot of beliefs ofwhat's right and what's wrong
and what's true and what's nottrue, and about
self-actualization and about whoI am and who you are, god.
I have a lot of beliefs.
The same way that cancerstripped my identities down.
I'm asking you, god, to emptyme.
Like, will you just empty me ofevery belief I have, whether
(25:44):
it's good or bad, whether it'sright or wrong, even the good
ones?
Empty them and only fill meback with truth.
And I don't even know whattruth is, but I'm asking you to
fill me back with truth.
And then another man spoke atthis conference and he talked
about the Bible and he saidBilly Graham had a crisis of
faith and in Billy Graham'scrisis of faith, he had a moment
where he had to put the Bibleon a step and get lower than the
(26:06):
Bible and say, from this pointon, if I have a question or
problem about something I readin this book, instead of
questioning the book, I'm goingto question me.
That was profound for mebecause I had always said well,
I have a problem with this inthe Bible and I have a problem
with this in a Bible, and I havea problem with when God did
that to those people and whenGod did that to those people and
the thought of wait, what if Iinstead questioned my own
(26:29):
thinking and my own thoughts,like what if I just don't
understand something?
And God is supreme and I'm theone who's flawed in thinking,
rather than I'm supreme and Godis the one who has flawed
actions or practices?
It was revolutionary and fromthat point on, I told my sister
I want to go back to the Bible,I want to read it again, I want
to understand it differently,but I have blocks, I think it's
(26:49):
been manipulated.
And she said well, let's watchthe case for faith and let's
dive into some of theapologetics that have proven
that the Bible is actually trueand has actually not been
manipulated by man, like Ibelieve it has.
And she walked every step ofthat journey with me.
We unpacked all my wrong views,we unpacked all my questions
(27:09):
and skepticism into the pointwhere I'm like, okay, god, I
believe.
And I started reading the Bibleand I saw it so differently
than I've ever seen it before.
And it's just been one thingafter another since then.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
And how incredible it is that once you allowed God to
rebuild your true identity orrather reveal your true identity
, because it was always there itwas just hidden under the pile
of lies.
So once that true identity wasrevealed, he sends you on a
mission trip to Albania, thecountry you didn't even know
(27:44):
existed really, or knew verylittle about.
And so how your experience?
I didn't get to be with you onthis trip, but I know that you
were very impactful.
You were a great asset to theteam.
Very impactful, you were agreat asset to the team, but I
want you for our listeners tohear from your perspective how
(28:05):
did you feel that God used youin this newly discovered
identity of yours?
Speaker 3 (28:11):
Yeah, I did not think I was ready to go on a trip.
I mean, I was just baptizedless than a year ago, so like I
kind of thought I'm in the phaseof just learning and taking
everything in and maybe laterI'll be able to be on mission
for God.
But right now I'm still just ababy and I have a lot to learn
and I have a lot to relearn andunlearn.
And so when this callinghappened, I was a little bit
(28:34):
curious like God, what are youwanting from me in this?
Like how can I possibly be in aplace where I could serve you
now, at this stage?
And I think one thing he wasdoing was immersing me in a
training.
I really do think that, becausewhat's great about World
Mission Alliance is you're in acommunity with so many other
(28:55):
believers of all different walksand different levels and stages
in their faith journey.
So I was on this trip with somevery deeply spiritual believers
who have been walking with theLord for a very long time, and I
felt like there was a lot ofmentoring going on for me
personally, like I got to bementored by a lot of these very
deeply faith-filled and justspirit-led people, and that was
(29:18):
amazing.
But what I think I was beingcalled to help with is I have a
very enthusiastic personality Ialways have.
It's just how I'm wired and Ididn't realize that part of
mission work was supporting andencouraging the local church on
the ground.
I just had this very skewedvision of what a missionary did.
I kind of had a vision thatthey go out into areas and
(29:42):
there's a little bit of a whitesavior complex to them and they
go in and they tell other people, look, our way is the bright
way and your way is the wrongway, and get on board and I
didn't want to have any part inthat.
That felt mean to me and notgreat.
But when I learned that reallywhat we were doing mostly on
this mission trip was aligningwith the local church that's
already on the ground, which arelocal Albanians who are born
(30:04):
and raised in Albania, who careso much for their people and
their community and theircountrymen that they're bringing
them the good news and they'retired and they've been working
hard and they've been the oneswho are sowing those sowing the
harvest right, like sowing thefields.
You know what is it?
We sow in tears but we reap injoy.
Right, they're sowing in tearsright now and to get to be a
(30:26):
part of a group that drops in onthem and just feeds into them
and encourages them and prayswith them and strengthens them
and rejuvenates what they'redoing and the effort they're
doing.
I loved that part of it.
It was great.
I was so inspired by those whoare on the ground doing the work
and just to see them light upat the thought of seeing all of
us come in as reinforcements forwhat they're doing.
(30:47):
It was so wonderful.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
You know, your journey, as painful as it has
been for you personally, putsyou in a unique position to be
an advocate and an encouragerfor people who maybe are facing
an identity crisis, and itdoesn't have to be necessarily
in the area of sexuality,because we build our identities
(31:10):
based on many different thingssuccess and all kinds of
different values that are notgoing to withstand necessarily a
big crisis in life, and so ifwe have listeners who are facing
something like this in theirlives right now, what words of
(31:31):
advice or encouragement do youhave for them?
Speaker 3 (31:35):
Yeah, I continued to grapple with identity through
the whole cancer journey until Igot to a point where I'm like I
really don't even know whattruth is anymore and it felt
like such a dark, a darkness.
It was almost like there was nofloor underneath me because
everything that I was standingon as solid started to crumble.
And that was a terrifyingfeeling, feeling and I think
(32:00):
anybody who's struggling withidentity where there's anything
that they've been grasping to asthis is the truth when that
starts to either get holes pokedin it or to crumble, it can
feel like you're completelyfalling in a void of nothingness
and it's terrifying.
And when I was in that void ofnothingness, jesus showed up to
me and he said you're lookingfor the truth, I am the truth.
And then he said and youridentity?
(32:22):
You are a child of God.
Like that's who I was, like Idon't know who I am anymore.
And he said you are a child ofGod, that's who I say you are.
You've said you're all theseother things, but who I say you
are is a child of God.
And I he just like.
That was the clear answer and Ijust knew it once it landed that
that's the truth and everythingelse was just things I had put
(32:42):
on on top of it.
So that was, that is what Iwould say to anybody who's
listening, who, whether it besomething that feels core to
your identity, of like, oh well,I could never not be this thing
, or I could never not identifyas that.
Or whether it even just besomething that you're grasping
to like, oh well, my securitycomes this.
If you allow that to crumble,as scary as it may feel, what
(33:03):
you're going to find is thatthere's even a more solid ground
underneath all that that ischild of God and standing in the
truth of the way, the truth andthe life.
Who is Jesus?
Speaker 2 (33:14):
That is beautiful.
So I have to ask the finalquestion Are you cancer-free
today?
Speaker 3 (33:21):
I am cancer-free.
Today I am.
I became cancer-free on mygrandmother's birthday, which is
fascinating.
And what's even morefascinating is part of becoming
cancer-free.
I didn't want to just like, Ididn't want to forget this
moment in time.
This has been such asignificant moment Like it feels
(33:41):
like God didn't save my lifefrom cancer.
He used cancer to save my life,if that makes sense.
Like it isn't even just I'mcancer-free, it's like my life
has been saved through thisexperience.
I don't mean my physical life,I mean my life has been saved
through this experience.
(34:02):
And when I had my first, I gotto have my first Easter as a
believer, which was a wildexperience, because Easter is
just such a celebration of whatChristianity is all about.
And I remember sitting in thebig sanctuary and you know it's
the day when the church ispacked, because everybody who
doesn't go to church all of asudden starts coming to church
on that day.
And I'm looking around thiscongregation and there's
thousands in the room.
And I remember in that momentJesus met me there and he said,
(34:25):
hey, I left all those 99 to comeget the one to come get you.
I left them all to come get youbecause I cared about you
because I wanted you here withme.
I didn't wanna do anotherEaster without you, because this
is a joyful day and my joy iscomplete when you're here with
me.
Speaker 2 (34:44):
That's an incredible story, erica.
Thank you for sharing it, beingvery transparent and I have no
doubt it's going to encourageand inspire people to pursue
their identity as a child of GodAmen.
Pursue their identity as achild of God Amen.
Erica's story is a reminderthat we are not the sum of our
(35:08):
choices, our desires or ourfailures.
Our truest identity isn'tsomething we achieve or assert.
It's something we receive, andit can be only found in the gaze
of the one who created us.
(35:31):
If you've ever been wrestlingwith who you are, where you
belong or where you can everfind your way back to faith, let
this be your invitation.
You're not beyond the reach ofgrace, as Erica has shown us,
even after decades away, there'salways a way home.
Thank you for listening toLimitless Spirit.
If your heart is stirred totake the gospel to the nations,
(35:53):
I encourage you to visit ourwebsite, rfwmaorg.
Just like Erica, you can findan opportunity to serve in the
Great Commission and share yourpersonal testimony with someone
who is looking for hope and love.
If this episode moved, you,share it with someone who needs
(36:14):
to hear it.
Subscribe to our podcast, leaveus a review and stay connected
as we continue to explore howGod meets us right where we are
and leads us beyond where weever thought we could go, until
next time.
I'm Helen Todd.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Limitless Spirit Podcast is produced by World
Missions Alliance.
We believe that changed liveschange lives.
If your life was transformed byChrist, you are equipped to
help others experience thistransformation.
Christ called his followers tomake disciples across the world.
World Missions Alliance givesyou an opportunity to do this
(36:58):
through short-term missions inover 32 countries across the
globe.
If you want to help those whoare hurting and hopeless and
discover your greater purpose inserving, check out our website,
rfwmaorg, and find out how toget involved.
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