A Widow's Leap Into Love Part 2

In this deeply personal episode, I'm pulling back the curtain on a relationship journey that's been anything but easy. Over the past few years, I've stumbled, learned, and grown through the rollercoaster of love, loss, and self-discovery. 

From swiping right to clinging onto hope, I'm sharing the raw, unfiltered moments of navigating romance amidst grief. It's a candid look into the messy reality of dating after loss, where red flags are waved, boundaries are blurred, and self-worth is tested. 

But amidst the chaos, there's a glimmer of truth: the most important love story begins with loving oneself. Join me as I lay bare my heart and soul, inviting you into the ups, downs, and everything in between on the journey to finding that love isn't dead, but it begins with honoring myself.

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

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Episode Transcript

Rebecca (00:00):
Hey friend, now that Valentine's Day is over, I can
share my next relationship withyou, and I didn't want it to
feel like it was man bashing onValentine's Day and even saying
that now it's not my intent, butthis next story, but it is my
perception of the relationship.
Two years ago, I was in my Iwant nothing like my husband's

(00:27):
stage, which basically meant Iwas trying to figure out my type
, and during this time, I wasthrowing caution to the wind.
I was letting go of the list ofcharacteristics that I was
looking for because I felt likeI was just being too picky and
not giving anyone a chance.
So, like every other tatingstory these days, it starts with

(00:51):
I met a guy online.
Now, looking back, he was awalking red flag, and when I say
that it doesn't mean that hewas a bad guy, I mean we all
have our shit right.
He just wasn't the right guyfor me and I wasn't seeing the
signs.
Well, let me rephrase that Iwas totally seeing the signs but

(01:15):
completely ignoring them.
I also didn't have anyboundaries at all.
So what did I do?
I went along with everything hesaid.
Now, part of me Yuli didn'tknow what I wanted.
So trying something somebodyelse's way really didn't seem
like a bad idea at the time, butit was like I was a glutton for

(01:41):
punishment.
I totally turned into that girlthat thought that that guy
would eventually want her, and Ibet you didn't think that this
is where this story was goingand I bet you didn't think that
I was going to admit to any ofthis.

(02:01):
But it gets better or worsedepending on how you see it.
This relationship went off andon for about a year and a half
and nowadays what happened isreferred to as a situation ship
or friends with benefits.

(02:22):
In my mind it was arelationship because when we
were together on a consistentbasis I wasn't with anyone else
and he would say that he wasn'tseeing anyone else either, which
I'm sure was a lie.
But in my mind I also refusedto believe that he didn't have

(02:44):
any feelings for me at all.
But in reality I was aplaceholder.
I don't think he wanted to endthings because he was getting
exactly what he wanted when hewanted it.
I also didn't want to endthings because, honestly, I
completely lacked self respectto walk away.

(03:07):
Also, it would hurt more if itwas over.
So I kept going back.
I went back.
Every single time he told me hedidn't want a relationship.
Even when he told me he metsomeone else and then called me

(03:27):
a week later because it didn'twork out.
Even when he said he wanted tosee me after he moved.
And didn't Even when he invitedme on a trip.
And even most recently, just afew weeks ago, I even thought
somewhere in my delusional mindthat my cancer diagnosis would

(03:50):
make him change his mind aboutme, like somehow knowing that,
my lifetime being limited, insome way he would want to spend
the remaining of it with me.
He would realize how wonderfulI am and know that this is his
last chance.
It would be a magical fairytalecome true and I would get my

(04:15):
happily.
Even after he even made my toppriority list of people to tell
about my cancer diagnosis, Ididn't want him to see it on
social media and be upset by thenews and me not tell him first.
Here I am with a terminalcancer diagnosis and I'm
thinking about his feelings.

(04:37):
And when I talked to him he didseem appreciative of the call
and sincerely sorry for what washappening to me.
But in the end, not once did hesay is there anything I can do
for you.
I hung up the call in tearsbecause I felt like he just
didn't care, like I absolutelymeant nothing to him after all

(05:01):
this time.
And I didn't hear from him since, which was quite the
disappointment, until I got thatMerry Christmas text message
and we had a short phone call.
Then again, after that, therewas another text on New Year's
Day, 30 minutes after the NewYear.

(05:22):
He must still be thinking aboutme, right?
There may be a chance, right?
So what do I do?
I call him, of course, and itwas a great conversation, and in
the end we made plans for himto come visit.
And just a few days before thevisit there was the text message

(05:46):
that I was dreading he's notcoming.
But only is he not coming, he'smet someone.
So what do I do?
I call him, of course.
Like, seeing the text messagethat he met someone wasn't awful
enough.
I needed to hear it too.

(06:07):
I needed to hear that he justmet someone and that he doesn't
even know if he really likes heryet, but he thinks he should
give it a chance and he wants tostop doing friends with
benefits.
But what about me?
I can't be more than friendswith benefits.

(06:28):
I don't even get a fuckingchance now that he's ready to
have something more serious.
So what do I do?
Like a desperate person wantingto be loved, I am pleading my
case like he is the last man onearth.
How pathetic is that.

(06:51):
How did I become that person?
Why did I ever think that Iloved this man?
How did I not see it?
How did I become so desperatefor love?
So the question is what's lovegot to do with it?
What's love but a second handemotion?

(07:14):
What I've experienced for thepast two years was not love, but
most of all, it wasn't love formyself.
But as much as I've workedthrough my grief and facing
things from my past, dating isjust not an aspect of my life
that I really focused on or gaveenough effort.

(07:39):
And now, with this stupid cancerdiagnosis, I feel like I've
been wasting the past coupleyears of my life not taking
dating seriously, and I probablyshouldn't say wasted, because I
mean there was definitely alesson learned from it.
I wasn't loving myself enoughfor anyone else to love me, I

(07:59):
wasn't treating myself the waythat I wanted to be treated and
I absolutely didn't set anyboundaries for me to be treated
with respect.
And I'm also not going to blameall the fall on this person.
I take full responsibility inmy decisions to keep going back.

(08:22):
I think about dating now.
But how fair is it for me to beon a dating app in my condition
who wants to date someone withstage four cancer and not
knowing how many years I mayhave left?
Not to mention weeklytreatments that make me tired
and I don't want to do anythinghalf the time I'm going to say

(08:46):
and go for it, and I really dowant companionship.
I do want to be comforted inthe ways that you can only find
with a partner and, ultimately,I don't want to die alone.
So good thing I still believein fairytales and I do love a

(09:09):
good happy ending or a goodcomeback story.
And what's that quote?
You haven't even met all thepeople yet who are going to love
you.
That sure would be nice,because I truly want to believe
with all my heart that love isnot dead.

(09:29):
It's my husband.