In the Eye of the Storm

Imagine life just starting to get good, feeling like things are finally falling into place. Seemingly worry free and looking forward to starting a new year off with a bang! 

And then the unexpected happens or should I say the unexpected returns! 

Just 6 weeks  after my husband died in 2018, I was diagnosed with a rare eye cancer with no cure, Ocular Melanoma. As hard as the news was to accept then, it's even harder now with a new diagnosis of Stage IV Metastatic Uveal Melanoma. 

Out of all my journeys in grief, widowhood and self discovery, my cancer journey has been the hardest to accept with a limited life expectancy.  

As I face this new reality I hope you continue to follow me on this journey of embracing life fully and finding joy in each moment until the very end. 

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm gonna go through the day that I found out my
cancer returned Well, not reallyreturned, because it's always
been there.
Because there's no cure forocular melanoma, so think of it
as sort of being dormant andjust waiting to metastasize.
It's really hard to explainunless you have ocular melanoma

(00:27):
and it's really hard for peopleto understand when there's been
so many advancements in cancertreatments.
Most people just assume becauseI had my eye removed and I did
do radiation as well that it wasgone.
But the harsh reality for thisdisease is that there is no cure

(00:50):
and there may not be a curetoday, but hopefully there will
be one day.
So on Monday, november 6, 2023,just the day after my 47th

(01:10):
birthday was scan day and I havebeen doing scans every three
months for the first three yearsand then every six months for
the next two years.
So this scan was a pretty bigdeal for me.
Just six months before, in May,I had a scan and I was really

(01:36):
really hoping that that would bethe last scan for a full year
Because, again, after five yearsof scans, I was all set to have
scans annually and I actuallyargued with my oncologist about
the scan.

(01:56):
I said you said five years.
And she said, yes, I did sayfive years, but it hasn't been
five years yet.
And I said July is just a monthaway.
And she reminded me that notfive years from the date of my
diagnosis, which was July 14,2018, she said it needs to be

(02:21):
five years after surgery, afterradiation treatment and, ideally
, after your very first cleanscan.
So, with that disappointmentand after much negotiating, I
agreed to come back in sevenmonths, which would have been

(02:42):
December, and, for those of youthat have been following me, I
was super excited.
I was getting ready to launchinto a new career, starting my
own business.
So I had plans to go part timeat my job at the beginning of

(03:03):
the year.
So I had decided, oh, I'm goingto move my scan up a month just
because I wanted to be able tomake sure I had my insurance.
So my scan was originallyscheduled for December and then
I moved it up to November 6.

(03:23):
That day, my friend Dana pickedme up to head on out to the
cancer center.
It was so funny.
We had to turn on the GPS toget there and she was like but
wait, wait, don't tell me whatthe GPS is saying.
She goes.
I want to see if I can rememberit, because six months is a

(03:44):
long time to just go to Durham,which is an hour away from where
I live, with no GPS and it justseems like the roads are always
changing.
The scenery just looks so muchdifferent.
We were both really excitedthat she was remembering what
exits to take and we werelaughing the whole way and

(04:06):
joking about how, when we comeback in a year, we're not going
to remember anything.
This year was the first scanthat I've ever been excited
about.
I mean, I was so excited aboutthis scan that I recorded the

(04:27):
entire day on my cell phone.
It is the first scan that I'vereally forgotten about in five
years.
It was also the first scan thatI didn't send out a reminder
and tell any friends or family.
I didn't talk about scananxiety and or anything like

(04:50):
that.
I wasn't even feeling nervousabout the scan.
This was the scan of all scans.
It was my ticket to a one yearfollow up and this is the first
scan that truly, truly, with allof my heart, that I just knew

(05:13):
was going to be negative and itwasn't.
I knew as soon as the providerwalking in the door was not part
of my care team.
She was really nice.
She introduced herself and thenthe first thing she said was
that my doctor wanted to bethere today.

(05:33):
But she was out of town and Ithought, why?
Why would she want to be there?
This appointment wasn't evenwith my doctor, it was actually
with my PA, because they rotateevery other visit.
Second sign that there waspotentially bad news is that she

(05:55):
was long winded.
My care team has been lookingout for me for five years and
they all know that as soon asthey walk in the door, I want
them to tell me the scan isclear.
I don't want to chit chat.
I don't want you to ask me howI'm feeling.

(06:15):
I don't want you to startexamining me.
I want you to tell me theresults of the scans, and I have
been so lucky that ever sincethis diagnosis, every time I go
to get a scan, I see the doctorafterwards and I always get my

(06:36):
results the very same day, and Iknow that is not the case for a
lot of patients with thiscancer.
So she comes in, she is verylong winded, but in reality it
maybe only took like a minutefor her to get the words out,

(06:57):
but to me.
It felt like forever.
It felt like things were goingin slow motion.
I heard two lesions, mrimetastasized.
And then finally I heard I knowthis is not the news you were
hoping for.

(07:18):
I look over at Dana, I look backat her.
I look back at Dana Is thishappening?
Did she just say my cancer isback?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not happening.

(07:39):
I look over at Dana she's notsaying anything.
Why is she not saying anything?
And then I look back at theprovider and she's not saying
anything.
So then I'm trying to figureout what's going on.
But then she is sayingsomething.
She's just she's wearing a mask, but it's like I don't hear

(08:05):
anything.
All I can see is her eyes and Ican just see her head moving,
but I literally don't hearanything.
I felt completely numb and Ifelt like I was slipping, and I

(08:30):
knew that feeling.
It was the same thing that Ifelt five years ago when I got
the diagnosis it's thisautopilot.
But this time it felt a littlebit different than before.
This time it felt dark andclaustrophobic.

(08:58):
Before the darkness felt safe,because before I didn't care if
I lived or I died, because Ijust lost my husband, but now I
do, or don't I?
How have I become socomfortable with the thought of

(09:20):
death and why am I not sayinganything?
But then the provider.
She touches my leg and she saysI'll give you a moment to
process.
And I look down at her hand andshe's rubbing on my knee and
that's when I start to cry.

(09:41):
Why is this happening to me now, five years later?
Why does it seem, just as mylife is starting to get good,
that something always seems tocome in and just tear it apart?
She asked me if I had anyquestions and I just I just sat

(10:01):
there shaking my head, no, andjust tears pouring out of my
eyes.
But then there was this littlevoice inside of my head
screaming with questions.
It's like you have questions,say something.
Why are you not saying anything?
And I hear her.

(10:22):
She's talking about treatmentsand options and next steps, and
the only thing that can come outof my mouth is when can I get
the MRI?
And she said we're gonna do ourbest to get that scheduled for
you as soon as possible.
So I'm just gathering mycomposure and I'm like I need to

(10:47):
leave.
So we're leaving, we're walkingout and it's the craziest thing
.
I just kept trying to turn atevery corner, like just trying
to turn to leave, to get out ofthere, and we're totally missing
the way to the checkout.
I can't even think so.

(11:09):
We get to check out and it'sthe same guy that's there every
time.
He's so nice and we tell himthat we need to get an MRI
scheduled and he's like, well,the first thing we can get is
December 9th and me and Dana,both at the same time, said no,

(11:30):
that's not gonna work.
And he just looked up at me andI don't know if he could just
see it on my face.
But he got back down on hiscomputer and just a few seconds
later he's like what abouttomorrow?
Yes, we'll do it.
We'll know more tomorrow.