It's not the news you want to hear!

Ever thought about what it's like facing your own mortality while dealing with the loss of a loved one? 

In this emotional episode, I share my personal journey as a Widow battling an incurable cancer. Join me as I navigate the ups and downs of grief, denial, and acceptance, shedding light on how tough it is to share this heartbreaking diagnosis with family and friends. 

This episode is a testament to my friendships and a reminder of the delicate beauty of life and the strength we have to find hope in tough times. This is a heartfelt dive into my emotional rollercoaster of life.  I hope you continue on this journey with me.

As always, Widow Your Way ❤️

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Two things.
I never thought I would hearthis early in my lifetime.
Your husband is dead and youhave a cancer with no cure.
As hard as it is to hear badnews, hitting bad news, just as
hard.
But how do you cope when thebad news is about you?

(00:20):
It's not like I hadn't toldpeople before that I had cancer,
but really it was five yearsago and I think the no cure part
sort of was forgotten.
It's not like I was dying rightthen anyway.
But now it's different.
Even though I'm not dying rightthis minute, my life expectancy

(00:44):
per some statistics is aboutthree years.
But really I think the odds arein my favor.
This is very difficult news toshare, but I've also really been
struggling with it myself.
When Tom died, I had an issuewith the denial stage of grief.

(01:05):
I just couldn't grasp theconcept of denial.
Of course I would say thegeneric.
I can't believe he's gone, likeeveryone else.
But I was not under any sort ofdelusion that Tom was still
alive.
I completely accepted the factthat he was dead and never
coming back.
And of course I tried to movealong through the stages of

(01:29):
grief, like it was just somatter of fact Denial check,
anger check, bargaining check.
Depression check check,acceptance check, finding
meaning, currentlydouble-checking, because I feel
like this is a setback.

(01:52):
It was very overwhelming for meto figure out who to tell and in
what order.
I literally had to make afreaking list.
It was getting really difficultto tell people one at a time.
Then I thought it would be bestto tell people in groups.
Then I decided I would just askthe people that I've already

(02:14):
told to sort of spread the word.
It's not like it was a secretthat I have cancer, but there
was definitely some people thatI wanted to know before it was
all over social media.
Then I really just got tired oftelling people and made the
announcement anyway.
So I'm sorry if you had to findout that way.

(02:37):
Dana was with me the day that Ifound out the cancer had
metastasized, just as she was onthe very first day of the
diagnosis five years ago.
I don't remember much on thecar ride home, but I know Dana
was just as devastated as me.
Dana had all the rightencouraging things to say,
holding in every ounce ofemotion I know, just to protect

(03:01):
me.
I was just hoping her husband,matt, was home when she got
there.
I know what it's like to holdit together in order to support
someone else.
Dana may never truly know howmuch I love her and appreciate
her being on this journey withme.
She's been my rock so manytimes and I just don't want the

(03:21):
weight of me and my treatment todrown her.
Nicole had sent me a text whilewe were still at the cancer
center.
I don't remember telling herthat I was going for my scans,
but I know she keeps them on hercalendar.
She sent me a text and I hadalready ignored her for like an
hour and if I didn't reply shewould keep texting, and I didn't

(03:44):
want her to think that no newswas bad news.
So instead of making her wait,I replied it's not good Waiting
for approval for another scantomorrow.
Please don't call.
Don't want to cry.
And for the last five yearsthere's always been a mass text

(04:04):
to everyone Scans clear, untilthis day.
A few hours later, I met Angie'sfront door about to break her
heart with the news that we'vejoked about for years.
Because dark sense of humor ishow we cope, I deliberately
ignored her texts in the carride home.
This had to be done face toface.

(04:27):
I don't know who started cryingfirst.
I could see every ounce of painthat I felt in Angie's eyes.
She's a natural impact in hereyes are like mirrors.
When you look into them youknow she feels exactly what you
feel, and she's the one personthat I can never hide my true

(04:50):
feelings from.
I know Angie would absorb everyounce of pain if she could.
She has a gift and it's one ofthe things that I love and
admire about her To know Angieis to love her.
I could stay there crying inAngie's arms all night, but I

(05:13):
needed to go home and luckilyshe's right next door if I
needed anything, and thank Godmy mom wasn't home.
It's not a conversation that Iwas wanting to have that night.
It would have been way too muchfor me to bear.
Telling my mom that her onlyother living child is dying
wasn't that high on my prioritylist.

(05:35):
I called Shannon next.
Something about Shannon's voicecalms me.
It felt good.
I mean, I was crying, but itwas different.
I felt like I could get thewords out easier with her.
I like how Shannon leads aconversation and just asks me

(05:56):
questions, so I didn't have tothink of what to say or how to
say it.
It definitely hasn't felt thiseasy so far.
Shannon is like me and she canbe very matter of fact sometimes
, and it's exactly what I neededin that moment Someone to just
bring me back to earth.

(06:18):
Then I completely forgot aboutNicole's text messages and
stopped answering her.
I checked the phone and, ohshit, she is booking a flight.
I called her immediately.
She answers the phone and saysplease don't say no, just let me
be there for you.
And as soon as I heard hervoice, I couldn't say no, and we

(06:43):
were both crying.
I laid in the bed that night,unable to sleep, thinking about
how I was going to tell my sonMarquise, thinking of how I told
him about this diagnosis justfive years ago, and it was only
six weeks after Tom died.
We were both grieving so muchand I knew the news was going to

(07:07):
be difficult.
Back then.
He asked me what my optionswere and for me to do whatever
was going to allow me to live,and that he couldn't lose
another parent.
The conversation did not goquite the same this time, but
I'm definitely going to doeverything I can to live Because

(07:30):
, after all, I am not dead, justmy husband.