The Balancing Act of Grief and Gratitude

Growing up, I struggled with the concept of gratitude, feeling pressure to be thankful without truly understanding its depth. As a widow, this struggle intensified when faced with societal pressure to be grateful.

I share personal experiences of downplaying my grief and masking my emotions to appear strong. This is a common struggle among widows – feeling the need to put on a facade while silently battling with our grief.

Reflecting on my journey, I realized the importance of finding balance between honoring grief and embracing gratitude. It's about allowing both to coexist. True gratitude, I've learned, comes from acknowledging and feeling all emotions, even the painful ones.

This episode was inspired by my recent guest appearance on the Hilistically Speaking Podcast with Hilary Russo, who had me opening up in unexpected ways.

You can listen to our episode Ep145 - Widow Your Way from Grief to Resilience with Rebecca Johnson on Hilistically Speaking Podcast Page / Apple Podcasts / Spotify / You Tube

You may also want to listen to The Purpose Filter Podcast with Kathy Zhang. The Sneaky Way You're Doing Gratitude Wrong And How To Fix It Instead. 

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Episode Transcript

Rebecca (00:00):
During a recent podcast interview with Hillary Russo
from the Hellistically Speakingpodcast, we talked about grief
and gratitude, and I reallywanted to expand on this.
I had listened to the PurposeFilter podcast with Kathy Zhang
a few months ago.
There was an episode on thesneaky way you are doing

(00:22):
gratitude wrong, and it waseye-opening.
I first learned about gratitudea few years ago and I know that
may sound a little strange tosome people, but I didn't
understand what everyone wastalking about and the purpose
behind it.
See, I grew up with you getwhat you get and you don't throw

(00:45):
a fit, meaning just be gratefulfor what you got and don't
expect anything more.
So it was very difficult for meto think of things to be
grateful for.
But for me to break it down andunderstand it better, gratitude
is just the fancy word forbeing thankful.

(01:06):
So as a widow, especially inthe beginning, I think it is
very hard to find anything to bethankful for, let alone to be
able to show gratitude.
But here are some comments thatunintentionally make widows
feel pressure to be grateful.

(01:28):
You are so strong.
Everything happens for a reason.
You have to stay strong foryour children.
Time heals all wounds.
At least they're not sufferinganymore.
You'll find someone else.

(01:52):
It's all part of God's plan.
Comments like these make widowsfeel like we're not allowed to
fully express our grief or thatwe just need to move on quickly.
And as we hide our truefeelings of grief, we put on a
facade of strength just to makeother people feel better.
All this does is delay ourgrieving process Because we're

(02:16):
too scared to express ouremotions.
I know this because that's whatI did when Tom died.
Most of my life I've been toldI don't have to worry about you
because you're doing so great.
I held myself to this standardthat I didn't need anyone's help
because that meant I was weakor I didn't know what I was

(02:37):
doing.
I thought I was tough and Iwould never give anyone the
satisfaction of being grateful.
I would never give anyone thesatisfaction of knowing that I
was failing.
And I had this same attitudewhen I was grieving my husband.
I would downplay Tom's deathlike it wasn't significant
Because he died in his sleep.

(02:58):
I would say things like atleast he wasn't in a tragic
accident.
I didn't want people to think Iwas struggling financially, so
I would say things like thankgoodness I have the life
insurance.
I think there is a fine linebetween genuine gratitude and
using it to avoid grief.
I was absolutely usinggratitude to avoid grief.

(03:24):
It took me years to come to therealization that loss is loss,
no matter the circumstances.
Tom's death mattered.
It mattered to me and itmattered to so many other people
.
Sometimes I look back and Ifeel ashamed about how I acted
after Tom died.
Like it appeared that I didn'treally love him because I wasn't

(03:47):
sharing with people how Ireally felt.
If only they knew I was dyinginside, would my grieving
experience been any different?
I think it's important forsupporters to offer empathy, a
listening ear and understanding,rather than always trying to

(04:08):
find the right words to say.
As widows, we need to navigatethis grieving experience at our
own pace.
This is why we need to widowour own way.
It's important that we feel allthe feelings and mostly it's
okay not to always be grateful,especially in the midst of loss.

(04:31):
Embracing gratitude doesn'tmean we ignore our grief.
We're simply finding littlemoments of light in the darkness
, because, after all, love isnot dead, just our husbands.