The Unseen Battle: Surviving Widows of Domestic Violence

In honor Domestic Violence Awareness Month, lets shine a light on the often unspoken and deeply sensitive topic of abuse, especially concerning surviving Widows of domestic violence. We explore the intricate layers of grief and healing that these survivors go through, and how their journey to recovery differs from traditional widowhood.

These brave women may experience relief and even happiness after their loss, emotions that can be challenging to understand from the outside. It's a reminder that there's no single way to grieve, especially when the person lost was an abuser. We discuss the importance of non-judgmental support and emphasize the need for these Widows to find their unique path to freedom, self-love, and a life without fear. Theirs is not only a widowhood journey but also a journey to reclaim their lives and rebuild with strength and resilience.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Please call 1-800-799-SAFE or you can text ‘START’ to 88788. 

Support the show

You can now sign up for a small monthly subscription to support the show. Click the link above 👆

I would love to here from you! Send me a message.

Instagram: @loveisnotdead_justmyhusband
Facebook: Love is not dead, Just my husband
Website: www.widowyourway.com

You can also support the show in other ways:

• Click the subscribe button to continue this journey with me
• Leave a review to help others find me

Coffee is my love language ❤️
If you like this episode, please consider Buying Me A Coffee!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today I'm going to talk about domestic violence in
honor of domestic violenceawareness month.
This episode may be a trigger,so if you've been a victim of
domestic violence, you may notwant to listen.
I have experience with domesticviolence not by my husband, tom
so this is a sensitive topicfor me, but also something I've

(00:22):
been passionate about for years.
I used to volunteer at awomen's shelter when I was
younger and I took calls for thedomestic violence hotline.
I would hear stories of womenbeing abused and too scared to
leave.
I would watch women check intothe shelter with nothing but
their kids, more afraid of whatwould happen next than getting a

(00:43):
beating.
They knew how to prepare for apunch, how to bruise and stop
bleeding.
What they didn't know how to dowas live a life without fear.
So if you are experiencingdomestic violence, please call
the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE,or you can text START to 88788.

(01:09):
I'll leave these numbers in theshow notes.
Statistically, nearly 20% ofmarriages and intimate
partnerships will experiencephysical violence.
According to the AmericanAssociation of Marriage and
Family Therapy, this number onlycomes from people who report it

(01:30):
.
There are many victims thatwill stay silent and you will
never know they are being abused.
Marriage is a funny thing.
Most of us like to keep thingsprivate.
Everything looking perfect fromthe outside looking in.
This can be due to a little bitof perfectionism.

(01:51):
But what about the ones whohave a secret life of domestic
violence?
There may be a few close familymembers or friends that know
what's happening, but notusually the magnitude of it.
And, just like grief, noteveryone knows how to support

(02:13):
someone who's been sufferingfrom abuse.
Telling us to leave sounds soeasy, but the amount of fear
that isn't sealed in you willfreeze you in your tracks.
Some people will just wait fortheir abuser to get tired of
them, leave on their own andlook for their next victim.
You may even just wish yourabuser would die, and that's

(02:38):
what I want to talk about thewidow whose abuser has died.
This is an extremelycomplicated grief.
Just because someone is abuseddoesn't mean they didn't love
their abuser.
It doesn't mean that they willnot grieve their loss.
A widow of a domestic violencewill experience the same losses

(03:03):
as any other widow.
They lose a spouse, supporter,a home, a life and even their
identity.
Just because the marriagewasn't perfect or tainted with
abuse doesn't mean that theyhave lost anything less.
You all know that I feel likeloss is loss, and I'm not going

(03:25):
to compare those losses.
What I really want to talkabout is the moving forward part
, and this is ultimately what mypodcast is about moving forward
after loss.
So how does a widow of domesticviolence move forward?
In a lot of ways, it'll be thesame as anyone leaving an

(03:48):
abusive relationship, but one ofthe differences here would be
that this widow doesn't have toworry about their abuser coming
after them.
There is, however, the risk ofthem entering into a new
relationship that will also beabusive.
A widow of domestic violencewill go through the same stages

(04:11):
of grief, but they may also feelrelief and there may also be
happiness.
Again, this is why youshouldn't judge a widow for how
they grieve.
You may not know theircircumstances.
It's already hard for a widowto express happiness in fear of

(04:33):
being judged by others forpossibly moving on too soon.
So how do we support a widow ofdomestic violence?
Do we encourage them to moveforward like we would someone
who's been divorced?
We all know we're treateddifferently after divorce versus
the death of a spouse.
The way they grieve is notgoing to be the same.

(04:56):
The way they move forward isnot going to be the same.
What if we didn't know therewas ever abuse?
And you're telling that widowthat you are so sorry for their
loss when secretly they aren't.
They are glad their abuser isdead and can no longer hurt them

(05:17):
.
If someone was keeping theirabuse a secret before the death,
it's going to be even harderfor them to share it afterwards.
They may feel like no one isgoing to believe them, which is
usually the reason why someonewho is abused doesn't tell.
A widow of domestic violenceneeds to be able to widow her

(05:42):
way.
She is not going to grieve thesame.
She may need a little morecompassion and understanding.
She needs to be able to feelfree to express herself without
ridicule, opinions and judgmentof other people.
A widow of domestic violence isnot only going to be on a

(06:06):
widowhood journey, but also ajourney of freedom, a journey to
self-love, a journey tohappiness, a journey of a life
without fear, because, after all, love is not dead, just her

(06:28):
husband.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode.
I know it was probablydifficult to hear.
I know it was definitelydifficult for me to record.
I tried to do some researchabout widows of domestic
violence and honestly, I wasvery disappointed that there
wasn't a lot out there.

(06:50):
The only thing I could reallyfind is about widows who have
suffered domestic violence aftertheir loss, maybe from in-laws
or new relationships.
I did find a book online and Iordered it immediately and
cannot wait to read it.
It's called Not a Widow'sHandbook by Lou Johnson, a

(07:12):
24-year-old domestic violencesurviving widow.
After I read it, I will be sureto come back and give you guys
an update.
I can only give you myperspective of abuse and I can't
imagine everything that a widowof domestic violence will go
through after their loss.

(07:32):
I've never heard anyone discussthe subject and now I just want
to know more.
If you are a surviving widow ofdomestic violence and you would
like to share your story,please let me know.
You can message me on Facebookor Instagram at LoveIsNotDead

(07:53):
just my husband and again, ifyou are experiencing domestic
violence, you can call1-800-799-SAFE or text the word
START to 887-88.
These numbers will be in theshow notes.
Thank you for listening.