April 11, 2025 • 26 mins
Feeling isolated in midlife? Trying new hobbies might help—but your mindset determines whether these new pursuits become sources of joy or frustration.
Drawing from her personal experiences with golf, violin, and mahjong in her 50s, Cheryl shares powerful insights about embracing the beginner's journey when we're accustomed to being experts in other areas of life.
Lisa Alfano, of agelessadventures.life, joins Cheryl with her wisdom on sports and community in your 50s and beyond.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER:
✔ Why mindset—not motivation—is the key to consistency
✔ How humor can be your most powerful tool
✔ The power of community for motivation and success
✔ How to avoid the comparison trap
🎯 OMG Moment: Sports and activities in midlife are meant to bring us joy and help us prioritize movement and community. When it stops being fun and satisfying, it's ok to do something new.
TAKE ACTION:
Grab your free StoryCycle resource to help you pause and identify the emotions and thoughts that are impacting you.
Visit cherylpfischer.com/coaching and set up a free consultation on creating a positive mindset and action items you actually look forward to for your next adventure.
Listen to episode 17 on isolation in midlife and episode 6 on laughter yoga!
WHY THIS EPISODE MATTERS:
The real question isn't whether you're instantly good at something new—it's whether it brings you joy and connection. There are endless opportunities to find exactly that.
Find all the podcast and coaching resources at cherylpfischer.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cheryl Fischer (00:00):
So you remember, in episode 17, when I was
talking about isolation inmidlife, and one of the
suggestions I gave you was try anew hobby or some new activity
during this time.
And isolation really can be anissue at midlife, for sure.
Well, and at any time of life,I suppose.
(00:21):
Time of life, I suppose.
And we need to keep talkingabout that, Because if you're
going to take up a new hobby orgame or sport, doing it with a
healthy mindset, a growthmindset you may have heard of
before, is going to make orbreak your experience.
I'll grant you that neither oneof us is probably about to go
(00:43):
pro in this new sport at thistime, but still, how we think
about what we're diving intomatters.
Let's talk about it.
Welcome to Mind your Midlife,your go-to resource for
confidence and success, onethought at a time, Unlike most
(01:05):
advice out there, we believethat simply telling you to
believe in yourself or changeyour habits isn't enough to wake
up excited about life or feeltruly confident in your body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and oh my
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
(01:25):
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind your Midlifepodcast, Just to make sure that
you know that I try to follow myown advice and, as an aside,
coaches need coaches.
We can't always follow our ownadvice, but I do try coaches.
(01:45):
We can't always follow our ownadvice, but I do try.
So in the last couple of yearsin my 50s I've taken up golf and
violin and mahjong and so I'mwilling to try.
I have for the violin I have apretty good background in music.
I had played other instruments,but never a stringed instrument
.
I love games and logic.
So mahjong was kind of a given.
(02:06):
And I have zero experience withsports.
I did do taekwondo for a littleshort while while my kids were
doing it and I've done a milliondifferent types of exercise,
but sports no.
So those three examples oftaking up something new for me
anyway, kind of run the gamutfrom likely to learn it fairly
(02:27):
easily to unlikely to learn iteasily, and I'm sure this is the
case for you and yours might bethe opposite scale.
For me mahjong has been theeasiest to learn by far and I'm
so entertained at how it feelslike it's just sweeping the
country in the US anyway, andeven beyond just midlife.
(02:50):
Women which I think is maybe thestereotype all sorts of ages,
men and women starting to play.
Now am I amazing at it?
Well, I'm not going to play atournament anytime soon, but I
love it and I love the communityof it.
Play a tournament anytime soon,but I love it and I love the
community of it.
Now, violin and golf, as I wassaying, not so easy.
They both involve some type ofphysical skill, physical
(03:15):
dexterity, in different ways,and so that's an added layer of
challenge.
Of course, I'm going to keepgoing with both, but the
question is how I'm going todecide to think about my
progress so far and how I decideto think about where I'm headed
.
And the same is true for you.
Whether you're taking up a newgame, a new sport, a new
(03:38):
physical activity, the way youthink about it and how you treat
yourself is fully the key toyour experience, and I mean
really to whether you stick withit.
I believe.
So the idea for this episode, sothe idea for this episode came
from a talk I attended onlinewith Frankie Canojo, who's a
(04:01):
mindset coach like me, and shewas talking about mindset in
golf.
This was for the women's golfgroup that I belong to, and I
realized, whether it's golf orit's some other new type of
activity, we all may need a bitof coaching to move forward.
So we're going to talk aboutmindset in sports and we're
(04:26):
going to make sure that you goaway from this with exactly what
you need as a 40-something,50-something, 60-something woman
starting a new activity thatmaybe is rather taxing for you.
So first I have to go to thegoat.
I looked up Simone Biles and Ilooked up to see what are her
(04:49):
tips on mindset when it comes to, obviously, gymnastics for her,
and I found an article infortune that was very
interesting.
So she was giving 10 tips thatshe uses for her mindset and I'm
going to give you a few of myfavorites that I think apply to
us as well, and you couldcertainly Google Simone Biles
(05:11):
fortune and you could find thearticle as well.
So here are my favorites.
Number one favorite of mine findhumor in the stress.
I, I kid you not, I believethat if we could have more of a
sense of humor about more thingsin our lives, everybody
(05:33):
ourselves and everybody we'retalking to would be so much
happier and probably moreproductive and successful.
It's humor is is creating alightness for a time when we
might get bogged down in worryor bogged down in frustration or
bogged down in anger, or boggeddown in one of those emotions
(05:54):
that is harder to feel and dealwith.
And of course, this doesn'tmean that I'm saying to make fun
of yourself and put yourselfdown and put someone else down
Heaven forbid, we don't want todo that.
What I'm saying is, if you canremember that having a sense of
(06:15):
humor really, really cuts intostress.
If you are getting frustratedabout something going on with a
sport or an activity that you'retrying to learn, maybe just
laugh when you can.
Maybe just laugh when you can.
You will be happier.
You will, I dare say, even behealthier.
(06:38):
That's why laughter yoga exists, and I'll put the link to the
laughter yoga episode in theshow notes as well.
Just laugh when you can.
It doesn't have to be puttingyourself down, it's just a
lightness.
And that's what she said.
She said I know I'm probablygoing to do the same thing 100
times and I'll eventually figureit out, so I'm going to add a
little humor, and that's a greatlesson.
(06:58):
She also says fake it till youmake it.
What a great piece of advice,Because when we start something
new in midlife, we it's almostas if it's almost as if our
brains think we should alreadybe good at it Because we already
have all this life experience,we should be good at it, right?
If I started playing volleyballright now and I've never played
(07:20):
volleyball in my life shouldn'tI already be at least decent at
it because I'm alreadyexperienced in life?
Well, no, probably not.
Maybe if I'd had some similarsport experience, but otherwise
probably not.
So when we start, we struggle,sometimes as midlife women, to
be a beginner, because in lifewe're not a beginner.
(07:42):
In our career, we're not abeginner In raising kids.
We're not a beginner In manythings in life right now we're
not a beginner In our career.
We're not a beginner In raisingkids.
We're not a beginner.
In many things in life rightnow we're not a beginner anymore
.
And so to take on that beginnerrole is a switch.
So why not?
And when she says, fake it tillyou make it, why not just act
as if?
Now Simone Biles was actuallytalking about smiling during her
(08:03):
routine, so maybe this fits inwith the humor as well.
She didn't feel confident whenshe was learning a routine and
her coach was asking her tosmile, and so it took her a
while to even fake a smile, andthen she was faking a smile for
quite some time.
Well, in case you didn'talready know, smiling with a
(08:26):
fake smile still changes thechemical composition of your
body in the same way a realsmile does.
So if we extend that pastfaking the smile, maybe faking a
little bit of self-confidencewhen you head out to play
whatever the sport is, or ifyou're not really in the mood to
be there, not really in themood to go, faking it just a
(08:48):
little bit, saying hello to theother people and faking that
smile a couple times, maybe thenit becomes real.
I thought that was prettyinteresting advice from her.
Now my third favorite of her top10 items.
This is a combination of two.
But write down and visualizeyour goals.
So here's something that Ilearned in golf, sadly fairly
(09:12):
recently.
So I have been getting betterand I have been a little bit
happier with how my shots aregoing and where they're going
and how far they're going and myif you play golf you'll know
what I'm talking about my, myshots are straight.
They generally do go straight,but they don't go very far, and
so I'm I'm working on that, I'mtrying to figure that out.
(09:34):
How do I make them go more upin the air and farther.
So as I work on that, I got intoa conversation with I think it
was my husband and a couple ofother people that we were
playing with I don't rememberwho it was and they were saying,
well, where did you want thatshot to go?
And I said, well, farther.
And then one of them said, well, you picture it.
(09:57):
Right Before you take the shotyou look and you say, here's
where I want it to go.
And you see that spot.
And I kid you not, I had tojust kind of drop my jaw and
smack.
You know, I feel like it waslike a head smacking moment.
What?
No, I don't do that.
And then, why not?
(10:17):
Why am I not doing that?
Why am I not saying, okay,here's where I want it to go?
And it's such a simple and tinyexample of visualizing your
goals.
Your goal could be just wherethe shot goes.
Your goal could be the wherethe shot goes.
Your goal could be the scoreyou want to have.
Your goal could be the lengthof time that you're able to do
(10:37):
some physical activity.
What is it?
See it she says write it downas well.
Maybe you have a note in yourphone where you're kind of
keeping track on how your sportthat you're learning is going,
write down.
My next goal is my favorite isvisualizing it, and the irony of
that is I didn't visualizewhere I wanted the shot to go.
(11:00):
I love to visualize in a yearfrom now, where is the podcast
going to be?
Where is my coaching businessgoing to be?
Where's my family going to be?
What are we going to be doing?
How's my health going to be?
All these things and I'm noteven visualizing where I want my
shot to go Really.
So I ask you the same thing Areyou visualizing what you want to
(11:22):
happen when you're up to bat,or when it's your turn, or when
you're playing this new game?
How do you want it to come outand let it be light and fun?
The vision is happy and excitedand light and fun.
And you're just holding on tothat vision inside.
Now I'm sure you're thinkingand I'm going to say it that
(11:44):
doesn't mean that's exactlywhat's going to happen on your
next try.
It's not that magic.
However, it does mean you'reprobably going to be closer and
if you keep holding on to thatvision and keep practicing,
you're probably going to be evencloser the next time.
So her tips write down andvisualize your goal, Fake it
(12:06):
till you make it.
Find humor in the stress.
I love those.
Then I thought you know what,as midlife women, maybe we have
a little bit different focuswhen we start a sport or an
activity than Simone Biles mighthave or than a younger person
might have.
We're not going pro, right?
We're not going to the Olympics, we're not going to the
(12:28):
championships.
We are trying to be active.
We might be going to thechampionships, we are trying to
be active.
We might be trying to makefriends.
We are trying to get healthy.
We just want to do somethingfun.
So let's kind of focus now onwhat are some tips for mindset
specifically for us, and one ofthem is a lot of sports, for
(12:50):
midlife women can really beabout community.
As I mentioned at the beginningof this episode, I'm going to
bring in a former guest of mine,Lisa Alfano, to make a comment
about community related tomindset in sports related to
(13:14):
mindset in sports.
Lisa Alfano (13:14):
It's amazing what we tell ourselves and how that
helps us and how that it hurtsus, where I'm not good enough,
I'm not strong enough,especially when you have a
community of athletes that havevarying levels of being advanced
or slow or fast, and ratherthan comparing myself or
comparing yourself to someoneelse, you find that niche, you
find those folks who are similar, and it helps push you and
(13:35):
helps you get better.
But it also doesn't wreak havocon your mental state.
And I'm part of a triathlongroup where the level of
athleticism is off the charts,as well as folks that have been
doing triathlons for years butthat are slower and then they're
middle range and then they'relike world champions, right, and
so that always lends to folkslike me, who compare myself to
(13:58):
others, to feel I'm not fastenough, I'm not good enough, I
don't want to go train with them.
And then I realized we're allpart of a community and they're
all supportive and if someonegoes ahead, someone goes ahead,
and that's something that I haveto tell myself every single day
and I forget to sometimes.
So it's a little bit of astruggle.
Cheryl Fischer (14:14):
Okay.
So she brings up a few thingsthat we really need to talk
about.
So my midlife focus tips foryou community is key.
Watch out for the comparisonand the fear, and let's build
resiliency.
So you heard her mention whatwe're telling ourselves and that
(14:38):
leads us into this discussionof comparison with other people,
and comparison with otherpeople is not something that we
ever want to do, and this couldbe applied to a business.
It could be applied to anythingyou are trying to do.
It could be applied toparenting.
I mean literally anything youare trying to do.
(14:58):
Comparing ourselves to others isalways comparing apples and
oranges.
I'm just going to say thatagain.
Comparing yourself to others isalways comparing apples and
oranges.
You don't have the sameexperience they do.
You don't have the same bodythey do.
You don't have the same lifethey do.
You don't have the sameanything they do.
(15:20):
You might have a lot ofsimilarities with whoever you're
comparing yourself to, but notenough for you to have exactly
the same path, which meanscomparing yourself to them is
never going to be helpful.
I got on my soapbox there forjust a minute.
So I love what Lisa said,because if we can find a
community to do our sport oractivity with.
(15:42):
Most of the time at this pointin life, we're not going to run
across people who are trying tobe the best and shove everybody
aside.
Most of the people you're goingto run across in some type of
active community are people whowant to help and want everyone
to succeed, and want you to havefun, and want you to get even
(16:04):
better, and they want to geteven better themselves.
At this point in life, we havelearned for the most part that
being supportive is the absolutebest way to be, as opposed to
knock down the other guy andkeep going.
Now, the other thing withcomparison is comparing yourself
versus what you thought youcould do or what you thought was
(16:25):
going to happen, and this iswhere we have a fear.
It's a deep-seated fear for alot of us and I would put myself
in this category a deep-seatedfear of looking silly or being
embarrassed, a fear of making amistake.
It's all related.
There is a fear deep in oursubconscious minds of looking
(16:46):
silly, being embarrassed, makinga mistake, and it's there for
so many of us.
And the interesting thing aboutthis is maybe this is where the
humor comes in Again, not thatI want you to put yourself down.
Putting yourself down, whetheryou're trying to make a joke out
of it or not, is not good.
So if you take a shot in golf,let's use golf still, and it
(17:07):
doesn't go well.
Lisa Alfano (17:08):
and then you say I'm such an idiot I couldn't hit
a tree with a you know whatever.
Cheryl Fischer (17:13):
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about just sayinghope the next one's better.
And laughing not puttingyourself down, but allowing
there to be humor is so powerful.
Let's say you've started ahiking group, or started you've
joined a hiking group and youtrip over a log.
Now let's assume you're fine.
(17:33):
You just feel silly because youtripped and you're like
somebody saw me and now I feelembarrassed.
I'm in fear of beingembarrassed, so chuckle about it
and say are no worries, I'mkeeping going, whatever.
What an opportunity to teachyourself that that fear of being
embarrassed or making a mistakeis not something that you need
(17:54):
to worry about.
And the way the brain learns tolet go of a fear like that is
repetition of situations thatare okay.
So putting ourselves intosituations where we're trying
something, we might make amistake, and if we make a
mistake, we're letting it beokay.
For me, humor is the best toolfor that.
For you it might look slightlydifferent, but training your
(18:18):
brain that making a mistake isokay.
Maybe it's just recognizing howother people react, because I'm
guessing that other people willreact are you okay?
Or oh, it happened to me, noworries, next one will be better
.
That's probably how they'regoing to react and that lets
your brain learn over and over,gradually, gradually, that you
(18:41):
don't have to fear the mistakesor looking silly, and that leads
into resiliency.
So Carol Dweck wrote a bookabout growth mindset and fixed
mindset, and I read this when Iwas a teacher.
But in a business scenario, youmay have read the book or at
least heard of growth mindsetversus fixed mindset.
(19:01):
When we start something new,especially if it's a physical
activity, it's really importantto have a growth mindset, and
she's really talking about thesame thing I'm talking about,
which is allowing ourselves toexpand to something new and
letting it be okay if we don'tdo it quite right and we make a
mistake.
And so I have two more kind oftips for you to think about.
(19:24):
Number one what if you, beforeyou, went to something you were
nervous about or something thatoften frustrates you, even
though you want to learn it?
What if, before you went tosomething you were nervous about
or something that oftenfrustrates you, even though you
want to learn it?
What if, before you went maybeyou're still sitting in the car
you asked yourself what's theworst thing that could happen
today in this game or in thishike or in this, whatever
Legitimately what's the worstthing that could happen?
(19:45):
My shots keep going wrong, Idon't have a great score, I
strike out a lot.
When I'm at bat, I loseLegitimately.
Ask yourself what is the worstcase scenario that could happen
today and then will I be okay.
And how will I be okay?
And I bet you'll be okay, and Idon't want you to focus anymore
(20:08):
.
After this little few minutesof thought on the worst case
scenario, we're going to flip itand we're going to go back to
the vision of what you want.
Please, please, flip it.
But even just taking a minuteto tell your brain, which is
going to tell your nervoussystem, you know what even if
that happened I would be okaythose cortisol levels start
(20:28):
dropping, we might be back inthe parasympathetic nervous
system.
We might be able to actuallyplay this game or do this
activity.
So think about it, know thatyou'll be okay.
And then we have to flip backto visualizing what you want and
say what is the best casescenario.
So maybe we call this a littleworst and best practice.
(20:49):
Before you go into the activity, try a little worst and best
minute.
Definitely do the best afterthe worst.
And then I want you to remindyourself that you are a freaking
successful person in life.
And it might have been business, it might have been child
raising, it might have beenfinding a great partner to be in
(21:09):
a relationship with, it mighthave been gardening, it might
have been whatever volunteering,taking care of animals.
You have done amazing things inyour life.
Well, did you ever make amistake in those?
Did you ever have to pivot?
Yeah, so just just a littleself reminder.
Oh, I've had success in lifeand I figured it out.
You know well, maybe you don't,but one of my favorite phrases
(21:32):
is I can figure it out, I'llfigure it out, you can figure it
out, you'll figure it out.
Resiliency that's how it,that's how it starts to happen.
Now we have to also want tocatch the self-talk, and so most
advice you're going to hearabout mindset in a sport or an
activity or in any situationreally, where it's easy to get
(21:55):
frustrated, is to have anaffirmation, to flip it around
and affirm something positive.
And I'm going to give you thatadvice and give you an example,
but first I want to kind of helpyou through that, because if
you are frustrated right nowwith how something is going in
an activity that you're doing,and I say to you just say an
(22:16):
affirmation, it's going to beokay.
You're going to be frustratedwith me Because we're in that
emotional response right.
So what I want for you to do istry to practice just pausing
when you are feeling a strongemotion.
I want you to just pause for asecond and say what am I feeling
(22:37):
right now?
And maybe it's frustration oranger, or maybe it's you're just
feeling dejected.
There's so many differentemotions it could be and you can
grab my story cycle freeresource to help you kind of
figure that out.
You'll see the link in the shownotes what am I feeling right
now?
And then what am I saying tomyself in my head?
(22:58):
You're just taking a second torecognize this.
I'm not telling you, you youhave to change it, just
recognize it.
Am I saying I always stink?
Or oh, here we go again.
Oh, so frustrated.
Usually it's something likethat.
And then ask yourself is thatreally 100% true, really Almost
always?
The answer is no.
We're just worrying about it.
We're just kind of projectingsomething onto this current
(23:20):
scenario and sometimes that'senough to minimize the extreme
nature of your emotions and howyou're feeling.
Just pause, recognize thefeeling, recognize the thoughts.
Is that true?
Probably not.
If you need a little bitfurther, then what I love are
butt affirmations, and I alsolove to call them that.
(23:43):
I want you to have a sentencethat has a butt in the middle,
because if we're saying anaffirmation, over and over and
we're like in our head goingthat's ridiculous.
I don't believe that.
Well, it's not going to help orit's not going to help as
quickly.
But what if you said I'm sofrustrated with how this is
going today, but I know I cankeep getting better?
Your brain focuses on the partafter the but, because the but
(24:04):
just negated everything you saidbefore it.
Maybe that's an affirmationthat you can write down, or you
can say, or you can remember,you can have on a sticky note,
or you can have on a calendarreminder in your phone.
Try it All.
Right, you're ready to startsomething new.
You're ready to start anactivity in midlife?
What to do when you're ready tostart?
Let's have Lisa tell us.
Lisa Alfano (24:24):
Oh, definitely reach out either to a mentor, to
a coach, or find a community ofother folks that are in similar
stages as you, and even whohave more experience than you,
and talk with them.
Do that research, do thatconnection, do that
collaboration, get as muchinformation as you can and,
honestly, go with your gut, Imean, if they really like it.
(24:44):
There's a lot of the nuancesand training aspects of starting
a new sport or starting a newactivity, and you also want to
make sure that you're safe interms of injury free and what do
you need to do in order to dothe sport.
So, yeah, reaching out toothers and finding a community
is, to me, the number one bestway to move forward with
starting anything.
Cheryl Fischer (25:05):
And my OMG moment from today is something
that Lisa also is going to share.
What do we ask ourselves as weplay and as we learn?
Here you go.
Lisa Alfano (25:17):
For me, it doesn't matter the level of the level,
where I'm at.
It's the matter of am I happyand content doing it?
Am I building friendships?
Does it bring me joy?
And when the answer is no tothat, that's when I'll stop.
Cheryl Fischer (25:30):
Okay.
So are you starting somethingnew and you're feeling stuck?
You maybe got some tips fromthis episode.
I hope you did, but maybe youneed a coach or you need someone
to kind of walk with youthrough this and help you
actually move forward from whereyou are.
Let's talk about whether youand I working together, for that
(25:51):
would make sense.
You can go to CherylPFishercomslash coaching.
You can set up a free call withme.
Let's see if we can create apositive experience out of a
challenging one and give yousome.
Here's how I'm going to moveforward items that you actually
want to do.
That's powerful.
Now, make sure you've hit thefollow button, because next week
(26:13):
I have a professional organizerjoining me to talk about
something totally different,joining me to talk about
something totally different.
We're going to talk aboutcleaning out now, before we
saddle other people in our lifewith all our stuff, and at this
point in life, this is somethingthat we all need to hear and
consider.
(26:33):
Oh my goodness, let's keepcreating confidence and success,
one thought at a time.
So you remember, in episode 17, when I was
talking about isolation inmidlife, and one of the
suggestions I gave you was try anew hobby or some new activity
during this time.
And isolation really can be anissue at midlife, for sure.
Well, and at any time of life,I suppose.
(00:21):
Time of life, I suppose.
And we need to keep talkingabout that, Because if you're
going to take up a new hobby orgame or sport, doing it with a
healthy mindset, a growthmindset you may have heard of
before, is going to make orbreak your experience.
I'll grant you that neither oneof us is probably about to go
(00:43):
pro in this new sport at thistime, but still, how we think
about what we're diving intomatters.
Let's talk about it.
Welcome to Mind your Midlife,your go-to resource for
confidence and success, onethought at a time, Unlike most
(01:05):
advice out there, we believethat simply telling you to
believe in yourself or changeyour habits isn't enough to wake
up excited about life or feeltruly confident in your body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and oh my
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
(01:25):
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind your Midlifepodcast, Just to make sure that
you know that I try to follow myown advice and, as an aside,
coaches need coaches.
We can't always follow our ownadvice, but I do try coaches.
(01:45):
We can't always follow our ownadvice, but I do try.
So in the last couple of yearsin my 50s I've taken up golf and
violin and mahjong and so I'mwilling to try.
I have for the violin I have apretty good background in music.
I had played other instruments,but never a stringed instrument
.
I love games and logic.
So mahjong was kind of a given.
(02:06):
And I have zero experience withsports.
I did do taekwondo for a littleshort while while my kids were
doing it and I've done a milliondifferent types of exercise,
but sports no.
So those three examples oftaking up something new for me
anyway, kind of run the gamutfrom likely to learn it fairly
(02:27):
easily to unlikely to learn iteasily, and I'm sure this is the
case for you and yours might bethe opposite scale.
For me mahjong has been theeasiest to learn by far and I'm
so entertained at how it feelslike it's just sweeping the
country in the US anyway, andeven beyond just midlife.
(02:50):
Women which I think is maybe thestereotype all sorts of ages,
men and women starting to play.
Now am I amazing at it?
Well, I'm not going to play atournament anytime soon, but I
love it and I love the communityof it.
Play a tournament anytime soon,but I love it and I love the
community of it.
Now, violin and golf, as I wassaying, not so easy.
They both involve some type ofphysical skill, physical
(03:15):
dexterity, in different ways,and so that's an added layer of
challenge.
Of course, I'm going to keepgoing with both, but the
question is how I'm going todecide to think about my
progress so far and how I decideto think about where I'm headed
.
And the same is true for you.
Whether you're taking up a newgame, a new sport, a new
(03:38):
physical activity, the way youthink about it and how you treat
yourself is fully the key toyour experience, and I mean
really to whether you stick withit.
I believe.
So the idea for this episode, sothe idea for this episode came
from a talk I attended onlinewith Frankie Canojo, who's a
(04:01):
mindset coach like me, and shewas talking about mindset in
golf.
This was for the women's golfgroup that I belong to, and I
realized, whether it's golf orit's some other new type of
activity, we all may need a bitof coaching to move forward.
So we're going to talk aboutmindset in sports and we're
(04:26):
going to make sure that you goaway from this with exactly what
you need as a 40-something,50-something, 60-something woman
starting a new activity thatmaybe is rather taxing for you.
So first I have to go to thegoat.
I looked up Simone Biles and Ilooked up to see what are her
(04:49):
tips on mindset when it comes to, obviously, gymnastics for her,
and I found an article infortune that was very
interesting.
So she was giving 10 tips thatshe uses for her mindset and I'm
going to give you a few of myfavorites that I think apply to
us as well, and you couldcertainly Google Simone Biles
(05:11):
fortune and you could find thearticle as well.
So here are my favorites.
Number one favorite of mine findhumor in the stress.
I, I kid you not, I believethat if we could have more of a
sense of humor about more thingsin our lives, everybody
(05:33):
ourselves and everybody we'retalking to would be so much
happier and probably moreproductive and successful.
It's humor is is creating alightness for a time when we
might get bogged down in worryor bogged down in frustration or
bogged down in anger, or boggeddown in one of those emotions
(05:54):
that is harder to feel and dealwith.
And of course, this doesn'tmean that I'm saying to make fun
of yourself and put yourselfdown and put someone else down
Heaven forbid, we don't want todo that.
What I'm saying is, if you canremember that having a sense of
(06:15):
humor really, really cuts intostress.
If you are getting frustratedabout something going on with a
sport or an activity that you'retrying to learn, maybe just
laugh when you can.
Maybe just laugh when you can.
You will be happier.
You will, I dare say, even behealthier.
(06:38):
That's why laughter yoga exists, and I'll put the link to the
laughter yoga episode in theshow notes as well.
Just laugh when you can.
It doesn't have to be puttingyourself down, it's just a
lightness.
And that's what she said.
She said I know I'm probablygoing to do the same thing 100
times and I'll eventually figureit out, so I'm going to add a
little humor, and that's a greatlesson.
(06:58):
She also says fake it till youmake it.
What a great piece of advice,Because when we start something
new in midlife, we it's almostas if it's almost as if our
brains think we should alreadybe good at it Because we already
have all this life experience,we should be good at it, right?
If I started playing volleyballright now and I've never played
(07:20):
volleyball in my life shouldn'tI already be at least decent at
it because I'm alreadyexperienced in life?
Well, no, probably not.
Maybe if I'd had some similarsport experience, but otherwise
probably not.
So when we start, we struggle,sometimes as midlife women, to
be a beginner, because in lifewe're not a beginner.
(07:42):
In our career, we're not abeginner In raising kids.
We're not a beginner In manythings in life right now we're
not a beginner In our career.
We're not a beginner In raisingkids.
We're not a beginner.
In many things in life rightnow we're not a beginner anymore
.
And so to take on that beginnerrole is a switch.
So why not?
And when she says, fake it tillyou make it, why not just act
as if?
Now Simone Biles was actuallytalking about smiling during her
(08:03):
routine, so maybe this fits inwith the humor as well.
She didn't feel confident whenshe was learning a routine and
her coach was asking her tosmile, and so it took her a
while to even fake a smile, andthen she was faking a smile for
quite some time.
Well, in case you didn'talready know, smiling with a
(08:26):
fake smile still changes thechemical composition of your
body in the same way a realsmile does.
So if we extend that pastfaking the smile, maybe faking a
little bit of self-confidencewhen you head out to play
whatever the sport is, or ifyou're not really in the mood to
be there, not really in themood to go, faking it just a
(08:48):
little bit, saying hello to theother people and faking that
smile a couple times, maybe thenit becomes real.
I thought that was prettyinteresting advice from her.
Now my third favorite of her top10 items.
This is a combination of two.
But write down and visualizeyour goals.
So here's something that Ilearned in golf, sadly fairly
(09:12):
recently.
So I have been getting betterand I have been a little bit
happier with how my shots aregoing and where they're going
and how far they're going and myif you play golf you'll know
what I'm talking about my, myshots are straight.
They generally do go straight,but they don't go very far, and
so I'm I'm working on that, I'mtrying to figure that out.
(09:34):
How do I make them go more upin the air and farther.
So as I work on that, I got intoa conversation with I think it
was my husband and a couple ofother people that we were
playing with I don't rememberwho it was and they were saying,
well, where did you want thatshot to go?
And I said, well, farther.
And then one of them said, well, you picture it.
(09:57):
Right Before you take the shotyou look and you say, here's
where I want it to go.
And you see that spot.
And I kid you not, I had tojust kind of drop my jaw and
smack.
You know, I feel like it waslike a head smacking moment.
What?
No, I don't do that.
And then, why not?
(10:17):
Why am I not doing that?
Why am I not saying, okay,here's where I want it to go?
And it's such a simple and tinyexample of visualizing your
goals.
Your goal could be just wherethe shot goes.
Your goal could be the wherethe shot goes.
Your goal could be the scoreyou want to have.
Your goal could be the lengthof time that you're able to do
(10:37):
some physical activity.
What is it?
See it she says write it downas well.
Maybe you have a note in yourphone where you're kind of
keeping track on how your sportthat you're learning is going,
write down.
My next goal is my favorite isvisualizing it, and the irony of
that is I didn't visualizewhere I wanted the shot to go.
(11:00):
I love to visualize in a yearfrom now, where is the podcast
going to be?
Where is my coaching businessgoing to be?
Where's my family going to be?
What are we going to be doing?
How's my health going to be?
All these things and I'm noteven visualizing where I want my
shot to go Really.
So I ask you the same thing Areyou visualizing what you want to
(11:22):
happen when you're up to bat,or when it's your turn, or when
you're playing this new game?
How do you want it to come outand let it be light and fun?
The vision is happy and excitedand light and fun.
And you're just holding on tothat vision inside.
Now I'm sure you're thinkingand I'm going to say it that
(11:44):
doesn't mean that's exactlywhat's going to happen on your
next try.
It's not that magic.
However, it does mean you'reprobably going to be closer and
if you keep holding on to thatvision and keep practicing,
you're probably going to be evencloser the next time.
So her tips write down andvisualize your goal, Fake it
(12:06):
till you make it.
Find humor in the stress.
I love those.
Then I thought you know what,as midlife women, maybe we have
a little bit different focuswhen we start a sport or an
activity than Simone Biles mighthave or than a younger person
might have.
We're not going pro, right?
We're not going to the Olympics, we're not going to the
(12:28):
championships.
We are trying to be active.
We might be going to thechampionships, we are trying to
be active.
We might be trying to makefriends.
We are trying to get healthy.
We just want to do somethingfun.
So let's kind of focus now onwhat are some tips for mindset
specifically for us, and one ofthem is a lot of sports, for
(12:50):
midlife women can really beabout community.
As I mentioned at the beginningof this episode, I'm going to
bring in a former guest of mine,Lisa Alfano, to make a comment
about community related tomindset in sports related to
(13:14):
mindset in sports.
Lisa Alfano (13:14):
It's amazing what we tell ourselves and how that
helps us and how that it hurtsus, where I'm not good enough,
I'm not strong enough,especially when you have a
community of athletes that havevarying levels of being advanced
or slow or fast, and ratherthan comparing myself or
comparing yourself to someoneelse, you find that niche, you
find those folks who are similar, and it helps push you and
(13:35):
helps you get better.
But it also doesn't wreak havocon your mental state.
And I'm part of a triathlongroup where the level of
athleticism is off the charts,as well as folks that have been
doing triathlons for years butthat are slower and then they're
middle range and then they'relike world champions, right, and
so that always lends to folkslike me, who compare myself to
(13:58):
others, to feel I'm not fastenough, I'm not good enough, I
don't want to go train with them.
And then I realized we're allpart of a community and they're
all supportive and if someonegoes ahead, someone goes ahead,
and that's something that I haveto tell myself every single day
and I forget to sometimes.
So it's a little bit of astruggle.
Cheryl Fischer (14:14):
Okay.
So she brings up a few thingsthat we really need to talk
about.
So my midlife focus tips foryou community is key.
Watch out for the comparisonand the fear, and let's build
resiliency.
So you heard her mention whatwe're telling ourselves and that
(14:38):
leads us into this discussionof comparison with other people,
and comparison with otherpeople is not something that we
ever want to do, and this couldbe applied to a business.
It could be applied to anythingyou are trying to do.
It could be applied toparenting.
I mean literally anything youare trying to do.
(14:58):
Comparing ourselves to others isalways comparing apples and
oranges.
I'm just going to say thatagain.
Comparing yourself to others isalways comparing apples and
oranges.
You don't have the sameexperience they do.
You don't have the same bodythey do.
You don't have the same lifethey do.
You don't have the sameanything they do.
(15:20):
You might have a lot ofsimilarities with whoever you're
comparing yourself to, but notenough for you to have exactly
the same path, which meanscomparing yourself to them is
never going to be helpful.
I got on my soapbox there forjust a minute.
So I love what Lisa said,because if we can find a
community to do our sport oractivity with.
(15:42):
Most of the time at this pointin life, we're not going to run
across people who are trying tobe the best and shove everybody
aside.
Most of the people you're goingto run across in some type of
active community are people whowant to help and want everyone
to succeed, and want you to havefun, and want you to get even
(16:04):
better, and they want to geteven better themselves.
At this point in life, we havelearned for the most part that
being supportive is the absolutebest way to be, as opposed to
knock down the other guy andkeep going.
Now, the other thing withcomparison is comparing yourself
versus what you thought youcould do or what you thought was
(16:25):
going to happen, and this iswhere we have a fear.
It's a deep-seated fear for alot of us and I would put myself
in this category a deep-seatedfear of looking silly or being
embarrassed, a fear of making amistake.
It's all related.
There is a fear deep in oursubconscious minds of looking
(16:46):
silly, being embarrassed, makinga mistake, and it's there for
so many of us.
And the interesting thing aboutthis is maybe this is where the
humor comes in Again, not thatI want you to put yourself down.
Putting yourself down, whetheryou're trying to make a joke out
of it or not, is not good.
So if you take a shot in golf,let's use golf still, and it
(17:07):
doesn't go well.
Lisa Alfano (17:08):
and then you say I'm such an idiot I couldn't hit
a tree with a you know whatever.
Cheryl Fischer (17:13):
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about just sayinghope the next one's better.
And laughing not puttingyourself down, but allowing
there to be humor is so powerful.
Let's say you've started ahiking group, or started you've
joined a hiking group and youtrip over a log.
Now let's assume you're fine.
(17:33):
You just feel silly because youtripped and you're like
somebody saw me and now I feelembarrassed.
I'm in fear of beingembarrassed, so chuckle about it
and say are no worries, I'mkeeping going, whatever.
What an opportunity to teachyourself that that fear of being
embarrassed or making a mistakeis not something that you need
(17:54):
to worry about.
And the way the brain learns tolet go of a fear like that is
repetition of situations thatare okay.
So putting ourselves intosituations where we're trying
something, we might make amistake, and if we make a
mistake, we're letting it beokay.
For me, humor is the best toolfor that.
For you it might look slightlydifferent, but training your
(18:18):
brain that making a mistake isokay.
Maybe it's just recognizing howother people react, because I'm
guessing that other people willreact are you okay?
Or oh, it happened to me, noworries, next one will be better
.
That's probably how they'regoing to react and that lets
your brain learn over and over,gradually, gradually, that you
(18:41):
don't have to fear the mistakesor looking silly, and that leads
into resiliency.
So Carol Dweck wrote a bookabout growth mindset and fixed
mindset, and I read this when Iwas a teacher.
But in a business scenario, youmay have read the book or at
least heard of growth mindsetversus fixed mindset.
(19:01):
When we start something new,especially if it's a physical
activity, it's really importantto have a growth mindset, and
she's really talking about thesame thing I'm talking about,
which is allowing ourselves toexpand to something new and
letting it be okay if we don'tdo it quite right and we make a
mistake.
And so I have two more kind oftips for you to think about.
(19:24):
Number one what if you, beforeyou, went to something you were
nervous about or something thatoften frustrates you, even
though you want to learn it?
What if, before you went tosomething you were nervous about
or something that oftenfrustrates you, even though you
want to learn it?
What if, before you went maybeyou're still sitting in the car
you asked yourself what's theworst thing that could happen
today in this game or in thishike or in this, whatever
Legitimately what's the worstthing that could happen?
(19:45):
My shots keep going wrong, Idon't have a great score, I
strike out a lot.
When I'm at bat, I loseLegitimately.
Ask yourself what is the worstcase scenario that could happen
today and then will I be okay.
And how will I be okay?
And I bet you'll be okay, and Idon't want you to focus anymore
(20:08):
.
After this little few minutesof thought on the worst case
scenario, we're going to flip itand we're going to go back to
the vision of what you want.
Please, please, flip it.
But even just taking a minuteto tell your brain, which is
going to tell your nervoussystem, you know what even if
that happened I would be okaythose cortisol levels start
(20:28):
dropping, we might be back inthe parasympathetic nervous
system.
We might be able to actuallyplay this game or do this
activity.
So think about it, know thatyou'll be okay.
And then we have to flip backto visualizing what you want and
say what is the best casescenario.
So maybe we call this a littleworst and best practice.
(20:49):
Before you go into the activity, try a little worst and best
minute.
Definitely do the best afterthe worst.
And then I want you to remindyourself that you are a freaking
successful person in life.
And it might have been business, it might have been child
raising, it might have beenfinding a great partner to be in
(21:09):
a relationship with, it mighthave been gardening, it might
have been whatever volunteering,taking care of animals.
You have done amazing things inyour life.
Well, did you ever make amistake in those?
Did you ever have to pivot?
Yeah, so just just a littleself reminder.
Oh, I've had success in lifeand I figured it out.
You know well, maybe you don't,but one of my favorite phrases
(21:32):
is I can figure it out, I'llfigure it out, you can figure it
out, you'll figure it out.
Resiliency that's how it,that's how it starts to happen.
Now we have to also want tocatch the self-talk, and so most
advice you're going to hearabout mindset in a sport or an
activity or in any situationreally, where it's easy to get
(21:55):
frustrated, is to have anaffirmation, to flip it around
and affirm something positive.
And I'm going to give you thatadvice and give you an example,
but first I want to kind of helpyou through that, because if
you are frustrated right nowwith how something is going in
an activity that you're doing,and I say to you just say an
(22:16):
affirmation, it's going to beokay.
You're going to be frustratedwith me Because we're in that
emotional response right.
So what I want for you to do istry to practice just pausing
when you are feeling a strongemotion.
I want you to just pause for asecond and say what am I feeling
(22:37):
right now?
And maybe it's frustration oranger, or maybe it's you're just
feeling dejected.
There's so many differentemotions it could be and you can
grab my story cycle freeresource to help you kind of
figure that out.
You'll see the link in the shownotes what am I feeling right
now?
And then what am I saying tomyself in my head?
(22:58):
You're just taking a second torecognize this.
I'm not telling you, you youhave to change it, just
recognize it.
Am I saying I always stink?
Or oh, here we go again.
Oh, so frustrated.
Usually it's something likethat.
And then ask yourself is thatreally 100% true, really Almost
always?
The answer is no.
We're just worrying about it.
We're just kind of projectingsomething onto this current
(23:20):
scenario and sometimes that'senough to minimize the extreme
nature of your emotions and howyou're feeling.
Just pause, recognize thefeeling, recognize the thoughts.
Is that true?
Probably not.
If you need a little bitfurther, then what I love are
butt affirmations, and I alsolove to call them that.
(23:43):
I want you to have a sentencethat has a butt in the middle,
because if we're saying anaffirmation, over and over and
we're like in our head goingthat's ridiculous.
I don't believe that.
Well, it's not going to help orit's not going to help as
quickly.
But what if you said I'm sofrustrated with how this is
going today, but I know I cankeep getting better?
Your brain focuses on the partafter the but, because the but
(24:04):
just negated everything you saidbefore it.
Maybe that's an affirmationthat you can write down, or you
can say, or you can remember,you can have on a sticky note,
or you can have on a calendarreminder in your phone.
Try it All.
Right, you're ready to startsomething new.
You're ready to start anactivity in midlife?
What to do when you're ready tostart?
Let's have Lisa tell us.
Lisa Alfano (24:24):
Oh, definitely reach out either to a mentor, to
a coach, or find a community ofother folks that are in similar
stages as you, and even whohave more experience than you,
and talk with them.
Do that research, do thatconnection, do that
collaboration, get as muchinformation as you can and,
honestly, go with your gut, Imean, if they really like it.
(24:44):
There's a lot of the nuancesand training aspects of starting
a new sport or starting a newactivity, and you also want to
make sure that you're safe interms of injury free and what do
you need to do in order to dothe sport.
So, yeah, reaching out toothers and finding a community
is, to me, the number one bestway to move forward with
starting anything.
Cheryl Fischer (25:05):
And my OMG moment from today is something
that Lisa also is going to share.
What do we ask ourselves as weplay and as we learn?
Here you go.
Lisa Alfano (25:17):
For me, it doesn't matter the level of the level,
where I'm at.
It's the matter of am I happyand content doing it?
Am I building friendships?
Does it bring me joy?
And when the answer is no tothat, that's when I'll stop.
Cheryl Fischer (25:30):
Okay.
So are you starting somethingnew and you're feeling stuck?
You maybe got some tips fromthis episode.
I hope you did, but maybe youneed a coach or you need someone
to kind of walk with youthrough this and help you
actually move forward from whereyou are.
Let's talk about whether youand I working together, for that
(25:51):
would make sense.
You can go to CherylPFishercomslash coaching.
You can set up a free call withme.
Let's see if we can create apositive experience out of a
challenging one and give yousome.
Here's how I'm going to moveforward items that you actually
want to do.
That's powerful.
Now, make sure you've hit thefollow button, because next week
(26:13):
I have a professional organizerjoining me to talk about
something totally different,joining me to talk about
something totally different.
We're going to talk aboutcleaning out now, before we
saddle other people in our lifewith all our stuff, and at this
point in life, this is somethingthat we all need to hear and
consider.
(26:33):
Oh my goodness, let's keepcreating confidence and success,
one thought at a time.
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