Why We Abandon Our Big Ideas and How to Stop (Ep. 21)

Have you ever talked yourself out of something before you even tried? Maybe you thought, That business idea is too hard, They probably wouldn’t want to be friends, or I won’t get that job, so why bother applying?

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In this episode, Cheryl dives into the psychology behind self-rejection—why we shut down possibilities before they even have a chance to unfold. Whether it’s a career move, a relationship, or simply putting yourself out there, you’ll learn how to break free from self-doubt and step into new opportunities with confidence.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER:

• Why we reject things before we’re rejected—and how it’s keeping you stuck.
• The hidden role self-doubt and past experiences play in holding you back.
• How to recognize when fear of rejection is making decisions for you.
• A simple mindset shift to help you say yes more often and open new doors.

🎯 OMG Moment: You cannot create a life you love without experiencing some rejection—if you’ve never heard no, you’re playing too small.

Take Action

Want to stop holding yourself back? Download Cheryl’s free Story Cycle resource at cherylpfischer.com/storycycle and start rewriting the beliefs that keep you stuck.

Let's Connect

Come join us in the Mind Your Midlife Podsquad on Facebook for extra content, input into the episodes, coaching, and more.

Why This Episode Matters

So many midlife women play small out of fear of rejection, missing out on opportunities for growth, success, and joy. This episode will help you recognize self-sabotaging patterns and step into the confidence you deserve.

🎧 Hit follow now and join me next week for a powerful conversation about ageism, movement, and how to stay active and strong as we get older!

Find all podcast and coaching resources at cherylpfischer.com.

Send Mind Your Midlife a note.

Episode Transcript

Cheryl Fischer (00:00):
I bet this is going to sound familiar to you.
What if I could really be atthe top of my game and do all
these things?
I'm so excited, but it'd behard, maybe not.
What if we could?
Takes too long to get there.
Have you been there?

(00:21):
You got some big idea and yougot excited for a second and
then feels too hard.
How do you decide?
How do you decide whether to gowith the big idea or whether to
just cut it off?
Now, before there's any chanceof it getting difficult, let's

(00:42):
talk about it.
Of it getting difficult, let'stalk about it.
Welcome to Mind your Midlife,your go-to resource for
confidence and success, onethought at a time.
Unlike most advice out there,we believe that simply telling
you to believe in yourself orchange your habits isn't enough
to wake up excited about life orfeel truly confident in your

(01:03):
body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and oh my
goodness powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind your Midlifepodcast.
Here we are at Mind yourMidlife, and midlife is a pretty
broad definition, right 40s,50s, 60s, I don't know.

(01:29):
It's a period of change, iswhat it is, and the reason we
even call it midlife is becauseit sort of sits in the middle of
the hundred year life that wemay have.
It's a period where a lot ofthings are changing our bodies,
our responsibilities, our kids,our parents, really almost every

(01:51):
aspect of life might have somechange going on during this time
, and that means there aredecisions to be made and that
means there are opportunitiesfor us to hold ourselves back.
Now, if you're hearing me saythat and you're thinking, hey, I
take a lot of risks, I do nothold myself back, don't say that

(02:15):
, well good.
And also we all hold ourselvesback sometimes.
And so while I want to talkabout kind of rejecting things
before they have the opportunityto reject us whether it's an
opportunity or whether it's aperson I want to go about that
by giving you a coaching example.

(02:37):
Now, my client's not here totalk with me directly today, but
I'll walk you through the storyand let's see what we can gain
from it.
So my coaching client let's callher Jane that I'm going to talk
about today is someone who isjust a very gregarious, fun

(03:03):
person and she decided in hercareer that she wanted to be an
entrepreneur, and so she is inthe position where she has her
business and she needs to betalking to people about her
products.
Once we have a business, wehave to market it.
Once we have a business, wehave to market it, we have to

(03:25):
sell.
And if you have a business,maybe, like me, you're thinking,
oh, and that's the part that'smore challenging.
So some of us have sort of anatural talent for sales and
some of us maybe don't have thatnaturally.
We can all do it.
So Jane is in sales, and foranyone in a sales position or a

(03:49):
sales responsibility, there'stwo ways that you can think of
sales.
You can think of sales, on theone hand, as your job is to
annoy people and talk them intothings, and maybe it feels that
way some days.
Or you can think of sales asfinding a need and providing a

(04:11):
solution to fill that need orsolve that problem.
And guess what?
The second way is the way thatis most healthy to think about
sales, and when I was firstlearning about the fact that
sales could be problem solving,someone said to me well, you

(04:34):
were a math teacher, weren't you?
And I said yes, 12 years.
And they said you sold math toa hostile audience.
Math to a hostile audiencemeaning reluctant high schoolers
for 12 years and I thought youknow what?
That's right.
They had a need.
They may not have accepted thatthey had a need, but they did

(05:00):
and I was providing a solutionand sometimes I had to make it
fun and talk them into it.
So, getting back on track here,jane has been working on looking
at the sales part of herbusiness as that second
perspective.
She is finding a need and sheis providing a solution.
She is helping them and if wetake that perspective further,

(05:22):
jane and I have talked quite abit about the fact that helping
them means okay, let's identifywho is it that has this need.
How do we find those people?
And the irony of that is that,with my podcast coach, this is
what I needed to talk about too.

(05:42):
It's often that we need a coach, even if we are a coach, but I
digress.
So I've been working with Janeon this.
Taking that second perspective,this is problem solving, it's
finding a need.
Maybe it could even be fun andshe's doing really well and at
the same time, one of our callsrecently was really all about

(06:06):
Jane being stuck in a pattern oftalking with just a few people
over and over again, even thoughthey had said not sure, not
right now, or they'd been sortof so-so they definitely were

(06:27):
not excited to say yes, but shewas continually noticing herself
going back, and going back, andgoing back and talking to the
same people again about the samething.
Now there's some logic and somestrategy, I suppose, in that.

(06:50):
And in fact, I always think ofmy sister-in-law when I talk
about no's, because she had herown business, was very
successful for many years, andshe had been told no towards the
beginning by a store where shewanted to offer her products,
and she had put a sticky noteand it said something like no,

(07:11):
it's just right now, it's notforever.
So if we're in sales or we'rein marketing or we're trying to
find new opportunities and weget a no, do we stop and never
go back to that person?
Well, no, and we get a no, dowe stop and never go back to
that person?
Well, no.
But what Jane finds herselfdoing is always staying with

(07:31):
this same little group of peoplethat she's already talked to,
and so what she's really doingis avoiding talking to anyone
else.
Okay, and that's because she'srejecting them before they have
a chance to reject her.
And so Jane and I talkedthrough this in a lot of detail.

(07:55):
Okay, so do you feel good aboutthe fact that you went back to
this particular person and askedthem again about the products
and she was feeling discouragedabout it?
Why do they keep saying no?
I know that this could reallyhelp them and what they're

(08:15):
trying to do with their business.
I don't understand why theykeep saying no and, to Jane's
credit, she has a friendly andcordial relationship.
I don't get the sense that thisperson that she keeps going
back to at least for this person, this example is frustrated
with her or upset at her oranything like that.

(08:37):
She's doing this in aprofessional way, but why, over
and over every month, is shegoing back to the same person
and the same small group ofpeople and just getting the nose
again and not doing anythingelse?
So the not doing anything elsepart is what we really wanted to

(08:58):
see.
Yes, we should follow up.
I am not saying to you that weshouldn't follow up, and if we
stay in our same little circleof who we're talking to and
we're going to expand this in aminute, I imagine you're already
able to tell that then we'renever going to have the
opportunity to go bigger.

(09:20):
So I said to Jane are thereother people on your list of
potential clients?
And she said, of course.
And I said, well, okay, do youhave this written down?
Let's get out the list.
And I said you know, let's lookat the list.
How many of these people haveyou reached out to and had a

(09:44):
conversation with about yourbusiness and your products?
And it was of the list she hadin front of her.
It was maybe a third of thelist.
And I said okay, what is thesituation with the rest of the
list?
I see two thirds of the listhere still available for contact

(10:05):
, potentially.
So what is going on with them?
And coaching, of course, isabout asking questions and
helping the client to figure out.
Okay, what actually is going oninside my head that I'm doing
this.
And so Jane kind of struggledwith the answer to that why

(10:28):
wasn't she contacting theseother two-thirds of the list?
It was her list, she made it.
These seemed like good contacts, potential customers, clients.
She made this list and then shestayed for a significant period
of time with this one thirdgroup and kind of went round and

(10:52):
round no, not right now.
No, not right now, no, notright now.
So what happened to the othertwo thirds of the list?
About that, jane started to saywell, I think these probably
are not going to be interested.

(11:12):
I kind of questioned why I putthem on the list, these few here
, and you can't see me, but I'm,you know, thinking as if here's
a few lines, here's a few lines, so I probably should take them
off anyway.
And then she said oh, like thisone makes me nervous, I don't
know.
I don't know how I would reachout or what I would say.

(11:34):
And so you can see kind of apattern forming here.
She's rejecting them, takingthem off her list before they
can make her feel some kind ofway one of my favorite sayings
before they can make her feelrejected or make her feel bad
about herself.
Now, from the outside, when welook at someone doing this,

(12:00):
maybe it doesn't necessarilymake sense.
Why would we have our ownbusiness, a product we feel
strongly about, and not offer itto someone who we identified as
maybe being a potential client?
From the outside, we might say,well, that doesn't make any
sense.
Of course you would offer it tothem, and if they say, no, it's
not about you, it's about theproduct.

(12:20):
So okay, keep going.
It's easy to say that from theoutside.
It's probably easy to say thatabout dating from the outside
too, but from the inside of thesituation this is totally normal
.
It feels really vulnerable toopen yourself up to hearing no

(12:44):
Because someone saying no toyour product, because someone
saying no to your product, evenwhen it's not personal, even
when it's not a date orsomething like that it's a
product or it's some sort ofbusiness decision, even when
it's not personal.
If someone says no, we feelrejected and we feel down on

(13:05):
ourselves.
Maybe not every time, but thatis a normal way that we can feel
in these situations.
And one of my favorite examplesto start helping clients to just
switch the thinking a littlebit, just try it on a different
way of thinking about theseinteractions.

(13:26):
A different way of thinkingabout these interactions is a
waiter at a restaurant or a whatdo you call it?
A cashier at a fast food placewhat do you even call it At the
register?
So a waiter comes over to yourtable and I waited tables two
different summers in college andgrad school, so I've done it
and the waiter says can I getyou some dessert?

(13:48):
Would you like coffee?
Would you like dessert?
Now, I love dark chocolate.
However, I don't anymore, oddlyenough, have that much of a
sweet tooth and I'm usually fullafter eating dinner, so I
usually don't want dessert.
It has nothing to do with thatwaiter.
It has nothing to do with therestaurant.

(14:13):
Maybe once or twice I've reallywanted to go because I wasn't
enjoying the restaurant.
But generally nothing to dowith the restaurant.
I simply don't have any room orwant to have dessert room or
want to have dessert.
So the waiter knows that andthe waiter is not going to be
taking it personally.

(14:33):
They might be wishing for abigger tip I remember those days
but they're not taking itpersonally.
If you think about a fast foodrestaurant, they might ask do
you want fries with that, or doyou want a drink, or do you want
, you know, medium or large?
And if you say medium, theydon't get upset that you didn't
say large, it's just a question.
And they're trying to figureout what is it that you, the

(14:55):
customer, want?
And so when we have a businessthat feels more personal,
sometimes it's hard for us tomake this separation and go oh,
it's just a question, I'm justtrying to figure out what
someone wants.
And the problem with that isthis two thirds of the list that
Jane hadn't yet contacted isautomatically basically that

(15:20):
many no's.
If we don't ask, nothing'sgoing to happen.
It's a no.
So Jane and I are still talkingabout this.
I sent her away from thecoaching session with some ideas
that she had come up with onhow she might reach out to some
of these the ones that she justassumed would say no and the

(15:44):
ones that she was nervous aboutreaching out to Together.
We came up with some wording,some ways that she could do that
.
So that she was nervous aboutreaching out to Together.
We came up with some wording,some ways that she could do that
, so that she had some concretesteps to take, and I have some
of that for you as well.
So let's make this a little bitbigger and more general Now.
You've heard the story, you'veheard the coaching.
When we stop, like I said at thebeginning of the episode nah,

(16:09):
never mind, or we give up onsomething, or we assume
someone's going to say no beforewe ever go into the occasion
for them to be allowed to makethe decision, or we never try it
.
It's often because of a fear ofrejection.
So this is what I've beensaying, and whether it's in this

(16:32):
sales type of example, orwhether it's asking someone on a
date or whether it's askingsomeone to go hang out at a
happy hour.
Remember we talked aboutavoiding isolation in midlife.
So if I'm trying to make newfriends in this period of time,
I might need to ask someone tomeet me for coffee, right, that

(16:54):
feels a little scary sometimesbecause we have a fear of
rejection.
That is normal.
Rejection's not fun.
It might be because of somefeelings of unworthiness.
We might have a little bit oflow self-esteem in the situation
.
Maybe you are a powerhousebusinesswoman and yet making a

(17:21):
new friend feels really scary,and that would be because you've
defined yourself as being anamazing business person, a
leader.
But in that self-image, in thatsubconscious brain, you're not
so convinced that you're fun orinteresting to hang out with or
that people really find youfascinating or they love to be

(17:44):
your friend.
And who knows I mean certainlyin therapy you could dig into it
potentially.
But who knows where that camefrom?
We all have little hiddenbeliefs that might slow us down
like that.
Or maybe you just have some pastexperiences of rejection that
make you not want to do it again.
Maybe you had before thisbusiness.

(18:07):
Jane's got her own business,but maybe she was in a job
before that that required somesimilar skills and there were
some rejections that were hardfor her, and so her brain's
going to bring that up now.
Or maybe you're dating oryou're trying to make new
friends or you're trying newhobbies or sports For me that's
the one and your brain isbringing up past situations

(18:32):
where you felt silly or you feltrejected or somebody didn't
want to play with you or theycouldn't meet with you and you
wondered why.
So our brains store that andthey bring it up and that's okay
.
That's the first thing I reallywant you to hear.
It's normal, it's okay.
It's your brain keeping yousafe and it's also your brain

(18:52):
keeping you small, and by smallI mean not as big of a business,
not as fun of a friendship, notas fun of a life, potentially
Missed opportunities.
What if you could haveconnected?
What if you could have had aneven bigger success?
If we never ask, we never get.

(19:14):
And I was just talking withsomeone in her 20s recently, so
not midlife, but I was talkingwith her about asking for a
higher salary when she had beengiven a new job offer.
Now, have you done that?
There's a I'm tempted to justreject before getting rejected
situation, isn't it?
So she was had received a joboffer in a job that she had

(19:40):
originally been excited about,and yet the salary was at the
very bottom of the range thatshe thought they had listed, and
she didn't believe that that'swhat the salary should be for
her and, quite frankly, itwasn't worth it for her to go to
the new job for that salary.
So she was reaching out tofigure out what do I do?

(20:03):
And we talked through how canyou ask Are you worthy of asking
, is this a good thing to do?
Is it okay?
I do.
And we talked through how canyou ask Are you worthy of asking
, is this a good thing to do?
Is it okay to do?
Do you feel okay to do it?
Does it feel valid?
And now, how do you ask?
And just to give you the resultof that, she asked.

(20:23):
She didn't get exactly what sheasked for, but she got a really
significant bump from where thesalary had initially been and
in the end, even if she hadn'tgotten anything more, she would
have felt good about the factthat she asked.
So how do we overcome this, thisfear of rejection that causes

(20:45):
us to just scrap the idea beforewe even try it or before anyone
can say no to us?
The way to solve this is insmall steps.
So, first of all, there arethoughts in your mind that are
telling you to reject the ideaor the person or the thing

(21:08):
you're thinking of doing nowbefore you go any further.
So recognizing that and thenquestioning whether those
thoughts are true is the veryfirst step and is shockingly
effective in helping you to getout of this pattern.

(21:29):
You wouldn't think that justrecognizing would be as powerful
as it is in helping you tochange the way you think.
So what you need is my storycycle resource, which is at
CherylPFishercom slash storycycle.
The link is in the show notes.
You're going to learn how torecognize and name the emotion

(21:54):
and in these situations it couldbe fear, it could be overwhelm,
it could be embarrassment, somany things.
There's a word in there and I'mgoing to give you a whole wheel
of emotions and then dig intoyour brain a little bit more.
There are thoughts creatingthose emotions.

(22:16):
You're telling yourselfsomething.
They don't want this.
I'm not fun.
I'm not good at X, I'm not goodat X, they don't like me,
whatever.
And recognizing those ispowerful.
Because now I want you to ask,and the story cycle walks you

(22:36):
through this is that story true?
And it's almost spoiler alert.
Never true.
True, as in could be proved ina court of law.
100% true, absolutely noquestion, of course not.
So challenging those thoughtsis the first step and it will
take you really far, let me tellyou.

(22:59):
And then let's add a dose ofself-compassion Be kind to
yourself.
In fact, I was telling someonethe other day the theme that is
coming out from every interviewI do and I guess every episode I
do when we're in midlife, wejust need to treat ourselves a

(23:20):
little bit better physically,mentally, emotionally, socially
just a little more kindness toourselves in this period of time
.
So there you go,self-compassion, and then let's
do a few things to kind of helpyou grow a little bit.

(23:40):
So I have two ideas for you.
Number one self-worth.
What if you could startencouraging yourself to be proud
of yourself?
What if you put a littlenotebook by your bed or you had
a note open in the notes app onyour phone and every day you
wrote down three things thatyou're proud of from that day.

(24:02):
And if your brain is saying tome, how would I have three
things I was proud of from a day, please?
Then one.
Just start with one, or maybeit's not proud of it's that you
accomplished, that you did thatday that were productive.

(24:24):
It's starting a habit ofnoticing that is powerful for
your self-worth.
And then the other thing isvulnerability and I definitely
am going to come back with avulnerability episode because
this is such a powerful thing,but I was looking this up online
and here's the coolest I guessyou would call it a definition I
found.
Vulnerability is consciouslychoosing to not hide your

(24:46):
emotions or desires from others.
That's it.
You just freely express yourthoughts, feelings, desires.
That's it.
So if you could take littlebaby steps into situations where
you might feel a bit vulnerableand maybe the thoughts or

(25:10):
feelings that you want toexpress are a little harder to
express, and just try thatpractice is powerful, because
you're going to learn that thediscomfort is okay, that you're
going to be okay and, quitefrankly, something else good is
probably going to happen.

(25:34):
Now, if you really really havemaybe I would call it rejection
sensitivity and this really justtakes you down, then maybe
therapy or counseling with alicensed therapist might be a
good idea for coping mechanisms,and that's absolutely fine.
Maybe that will be reallyhelpful.
So what do I want to leave youwith?
What's the oh my goodnessmoment?
There's one thing that youshould remember from this

(25:57):
episode here it is Okay, here itis.
It is not possible to live anamazing life that you will have
tremendous joy in looking backon without being rejected
occasionally If you have neverheard.
No, you've been playing smalland you haven't reached far

(26:17):
enough, and I want you to havean amazing life.
Isn't it funny that to have anamazing life, there has to be
some?
No, in there it's balance Allright.
So go to CherylPFishercom slashstory cycle.
Grab that resource and juststart.
Just start understandingyourself better, start.

(26:42):
And then, if you want to havesome say in what goes on in
these episodes and what I askedthe guests, come hang out with
us in the PodSquad group onFacebook Mind your Midlife
PodSquad.
The link is in the show notesas well.
Now make sure that you have hitthe follow button, because next
week my guest and I are talkingabout ageism.

(27:03):
She is an expert on helpingwomen stay active and healthy in
midlife and remember a healthymind needs a healthy body, and
we're going to have a prettycool conversation.
She, in fact, has even writtena book called Mind your Movement
, and if that isn't an excellentfit for the Mind your Midlife
podcast, I don't know what is.

(27:24):
And in the meantime, oh mygoodness, let's keep creating
confidence and success, onethought at a time.