January 15, 2025 • 39 mins
The episode delves into the aftermath of a bandit attack on a caravan, exploring themes of trust, survival, and human connection. As characters navigate a strange town with an unusual economy, they reflect on their identities and moral duties toward others, ultimately setting the stage for deeper conflicts ahead.
• The heroes face the aftermath of a bandit attack
• Characters explore the complexities of trust in a strange town
• Humor and camaraderie shine through in tense moments
• The town's coupon economy serves as a satire on resilience
• Acts of compassion highlight the fragility of human connection
• Tension escalates with the return of a familiar figure in the tavern
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Previously on Monster Monster.
Our heroes were headed westwhen their caravan was descended
upon by a group of mysteriousbandits, and they were able to
escape to a nearby town.
However, they still don't knowthe origin of the attack or even
who they can trust.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Few things help an individual more than to place
responsibility upon them and tolet them know you trust them.
Booker T Washington.
Alright, welcome to MonsterMonster everybody.
This is episode two.
My name is Tyler Waltz, I amyour DM and, to my left, is
Kevin Eggleston.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
I'm playing Frolin Lealties, a dragonborn warrior
who just wants to find out whathappened to his squad.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And I am Tyson Cox.
I'm playing Vance Ironside, adwarven cleric who's just
traveling the land and trying todo good and spread good and be
a good dude, just fit as manygoods as you can.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
That way people know you're good.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
His favorite restaurant is Good.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Burger.
What's his favorite Friday?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Fat.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Tuesday actually.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
How many goods can they put in his like character
description before it's likesuspicious?
I think when you all took adon't be evil out of like yeah,
yeah.
All right, but with that we aregetting right back into the show
.
You guys pull up to this gatebloodied, very confused, but not
as confused as the two guardsthat seem, uh, rather taken
(01:26):
aback by what they're witnessingrolling up at the front gate,
and the first one kind of likenot readies his spear but is
like kind of like nervous andscared and he goes.
Who who goes there?
Speaker 1 (01:41):
uh hey bud I'm vance, can you give us a hand here?
And uh, he like just pulls thecaravan up to a stop and then
just kind of like, exhaustedlylike, because he's not a horse
guy, he's not a centaur, uh,he's not a horse guy.
So he uh just kind of like likehis little dwarven legs are
just like so wide on the back ofa horse.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
He's like just kind of rolls over and falls off.
He goes, instead of it goinglike down the sides of the horse
.
It's just straight out.
It's just straight out.
Yeah, Like a pug sitting.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Yeah, if you could do me a favor, help me out with
this.
We got some women and childrenin the bag that might need some
help.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Also, why were you riding one of the horses
attached to the wagon?
You could have just sat on thewagon.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
I was just letting him go.
It was an emergency, okay.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
He's like.
I gotta make sure this oneknows where to go.
Tied to the other horse.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
This will be fine, Because one is a vehicle role
and the other is an animalhandling role.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
I have animal handling, so he goes.
What do you mean?
You have women.
Why are you covered in blood?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Because we were attacked.
Keep asking questions.
Don't worry, none of it is ours.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, and I, and I just kind ofgo to the back and kind of
ignore them because they're likekind of like vance is like you
guys are, you guys don't knowwhat you're doing and he just
goes back to help like see thewomen and children.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Oh, okay, uh, I'm gonna hop down and be like you
there guard.
Uh, bring the barrackscommander, bring your commanding
officer.
Why are you still standing?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
there he just beside himself, he goes well, first off
, like you're not my boss, LikeI don't know what that's all
about, no, I pay my taxes.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Oh, he's a Karen.
We got a Karen.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
He sets down his spear and he goes sir, I'm going
to need to see your W-2s.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
So, technically, I'm going to need to see your W-2s.
So, technically, I pay yoursalary.
Ergo, I am your boss.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
And he goes.
Well, actually, they love itwhen you do that to them.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
They love that.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
He looks at your badge and he goes, yeah, there's
not a chance he's going toshock and grasp me.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Quit resisting, quit resisting.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
And he's like we haven't even put these people
through processing so I don'teven know where we would even
take them.
And then he looks over to theother guard at the station and
he goes you make sure he's notdoing anything suspicious, I'll
talk to him and he points to you.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
Oh, I'm sorry.
What would be suspicious abouttwo men showing up in a wagon
covered in blood that they havejust admitted is not theirs?
I feel like this needs acommanding officer to observe.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
He goes.
Just because it's not yoursdoesn't mean it's an enemy's.
You just said it came full ofwomen and children and there's
blood everywhere, we don't know.
Roll a persuasion check to seehow he feels about this whole
situation.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Vance just sticks his head out the side of the wagon.
He's like you're really bad atyour job, and then goes back and
goes back.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
And just both of us are like.
Which one's he talking to?
Both the gardener Now withdisadvantage because he's upset.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Oh, with a petty DM.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Got to establish it early, all right, so that's a 10
.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
You don't have to have disadvantage.
That was just a joke.
Can I have advantage then?
No, because it wasn't a goodjoke.
On a comedy podcast, you'redoing jokes?
Yeah, I'm trying.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Time and place bud People are covered in blood the
children.
I don't even know what's goingon with these children.
Yeah, I got that as a 10.
Pretty average.
Like he's convinced it was anaverage.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Okay, he goes okay, we can help you, but you're
still going to have to gothrough all the normal
processing and stuff like that,and he starts helping you get
people out and opens up the gateand he says, okay, immediately
to your left, we're going totake these people, they're going
to be processed.
Make sure that they get towhere they're going.
Is there anything that we cando to help the?
Speaker 3 (05:26):
two of you.
You seem a bit more capable ofhandling yourself.
Well, I think I think I would.
I would.
Hey, vance, would you enjoy ashower?
I don't know how often you likebeing covered in blood.
That's not yours.
Rare to never.
All right, non-zero chance.
Do you have a mage that canpress to digitate, or maybe a?
Speaker 1 (05:47):
A bath.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Yeah, even just like a wet, moist towelette would be
great.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Also he takes like a sweaty rag off of his head.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Beggars can't be, choosers Are you going to put
this right back on afterwards?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I just hit my Dragonborn grundle and handed it
back to him.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
He goes.
Well, we don't Right around thecloaca.
Like just in there he goes okay, we don't have any of the fancy
wizards and stuff like that andthen he hands you a little
voucher and he says if you takethese to the local goods store
just right down the road here tothe west, give this to the
person at the desk and he'll fixyou.
Take these to the local goodsstore just right down the road
here to the west, give this tothe the person at the desk and
(06:28):
he'll fix you right up.
Just, you just have coupons thatyou're giving people well, I'm
kind of using one of my personalrations as a soldier to help
you guys out, so it feels kindof demeaning that you're like
questioning just a simple oh Ijust wondered if there was like
a like.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
You know how you go to some places and they're like
here's a floral wreath we putaround your neck and you guys
are just like here's a coupon.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Here's 50% off it Dick's last resort.
It's a free shower for thosenot being a dick.
That's kind of the way it saysthat on the paper.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Oh, it's a loves.
And where are you taking these?
People were attacked, assaultedby bandits.
Do you have like a posse or amilitia that you can summon to
go after more bandits in?
Speaker 2 (07:13):
the woods.
We will handle that.
As soon as we figure outeverything that is going on,
these people will be taken hereto the south and get processed.
We'll get them cleaned up, newclothes Just don't worry about
them and then I will get incontact with the proper people.
We'll set up defenses.
We don't necessarily have themanpower to go out at the moment
.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
Hey fans, I'm just going to just a quick aside.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Excuse me, mr Gardner , I'm going to talk.
I mean, I'm not going to walkaway.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Cover your ears, don't be a rude.
Now who's being a rude?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Sally, you know what I want a second voucher.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I'm stationed here, you guys could walk like right
there, I'm in the back of thewagon.
What are you a town?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
guard from England.
You're like I'm not leavingthis place.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
They're a coupon-based society and their
guards can't move, Don't move.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
I'm going to just write a quick one.
It's just a coupon that sayscover your fucking ears.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Oh no, thank you, those aren't accepted, You'll
have to go sell.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
You don't take competitors' coupons.
He's like that's counterfeitand arrests you.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
A real company town vibe oh no, oh no, vance, hey,
vance, they're taking thesepeople for processing.
Oh, you didn't walk away.
No, he said he's still in thewagon, so I'm just going to peek
my head.
They're taking these people forprocessing.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
I don't know about you, but I've never had a chance
where somebody's like, hey,these people just showed up
injured and potentially woundedand we're going to process them.
That's never turned out poorlyfor anyone historically.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
I take a look and I wonder is anyone injured in the
back of the wagon?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
You can see that there's a lot of people rattled.
There's probably some scrapesand bruises from the conflict,
but no like fatal eat.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Okay, I'd just like to be like.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Except for the one guy we drugged to death.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
The hand that was grasping onto the rope.
I look at the hand and I gogood thing I can regrow a body
off this.
Ah yes, cast Revivify yeahthat's how I get thing from Adam
Stanley.
Yeah, okay, I just like to domedicine to handle those cuts
and scrapes and I'm like, well,they seem like they're pretty
alright.
It's like a little rattled butI don't know and I stick my head
(09:15):
out the wagon like hey what doyou mean by?
Processing.
What is your coupon towns?
What do you guys do for that?
Speaker 2 (09:25):
I mean, I feel like it's very common for military to
have like vouchers for things.
It's not just that doesn't meanthe whole town works on that
economy.
You're pretty hung up on this,you, you keep bringing it up.
I gave you a piece of paper andyou decided to shit over
kindness so hey, I'm, I'm overthe moon for the shower.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
He's, he's the one that's, I'm rolling with it.
I thought you guys were coupon,aren't?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
you time right now?
Don't you have better things todo?
Speaker 3 (09:43):
No, that shower will keep?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
He goes yes, it's custom.
We're a border town to theneighboring country, so anybody
that comes through here, ifthey're traveling through, we
need to make sure thateverything is A-OK.
I mean, I don't know if youguys have heard about this, but
we're kind of in the middle of awar, so processing kind of
makes sense.
All right, hey, what's, wherewas your name?
He goes.
My name is Marcus.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
All right, hey Marcus , if I find out any of these
people get hurt or injured orhave anything untowards done to
them, I'm going to come back andbreak your knees, because
that's as high as I can reach.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Okay, yeah, I feel like our conversation has not
been vicious or have any form ofmalice, but whatever you need
to sleep at night, I guess Ilike your style, vance.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Well, you know they're innocent people.
Don't be rude to the innocent.
Alright, I think they're goodto go.
Where can we get the?
I want my wagon and I kind ofgive him a look of like, well,
free wagon Deception.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
No, I'm going to give him the help, I'm just going to
cross my arms and be like, yeah, wagon.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Deception 18 on the die so nat 20.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
18 on the die, so a nat 20?
.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Magic of recording.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
We're going to watch this back and it's going to be
like that was a nat 20.
He goes.
I mean sure just, can we pleasehandle these people?
Yeah, let me, let you borrow mywagon.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Okay, yeah, do you have a voucher for the staples.
Hang on, let's get off.
They don't like not everythingis coupon based.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
I'm learning.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I'm gonna take it back.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
I'm gonna take the coupon back quick lick it he
won't want it back, he'll lickit he goes just eat it and get
it now.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
He goes where we process the people.
Just up the road there's aplace, a stable, to put your
horses in your wagon.
Just please go get yourselfcleaned up, Is there?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
a place for accommodations.
We might be staying here for abit while the wagon gets
repaired.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
I'm not asking you to put us up, I'm just asking is
there a fucking?
Inn.
Yeah, there's a tavern past theGeneral Goods store.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
I was just going to say you know, what would have
better served you is a littlebooth that had coupons in it and
a map that says you are here.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Okay, where are?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
you from.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
That's very fancy.
It is very fancy.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
I'm saying a kiosk could have done this To be
honest, I was really like.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
you know what?
I don't normally do kind things.
I'm going to do a kind thingthis time and give them one of
my vouchers, but this is thelast good deed I'm ever fucking
doing.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
That's crazy for you to admit that out loud.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
I'm just.
You've done it.
This is your fault.
You have a weak soul.
If you ever come across anewspaper that's like local
guard Marcus did bad thing, Iwant you to know.
It's on your hands.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Oh, they have a town paper.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Yeah, so they could print more coupons.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Get the fuck out of here.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
I got to say goodbye to my horses and I go all right,
goodbye, marcus.
And I pet one of the horses andthen I go to the other horse.
Goodbye also, marcus, have agood night.
I don't believe you.
And then, yeah, heading to thetown.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
All right, I'm going to follow along and then, like,
as I follow behind Vience, I'mgoing to follow along and then,
as I follow behind Viance, I'mjust going to give the like I'm
watching you fingers to theguard.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Once again, I was nothing but kind.
So are you going straight tothat General Goods store.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Yeah, I mean they're taking our wagon to the stables.
Yes, you see the people thatare getting taken down the
street and everything like that.
I'm going to go.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Is there a little stable hand there?
Are you going to?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
harass him.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
I go to the general goods store.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I don't know what's happening, I'm just going to
give the kid, I'm going to justgive him like a silver piece and
be like, make sure that bloodcomes out.
That's the blood of bad people.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
I don't even work here and he runs off.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
No, no, no, he goes.
Oh, you think I can't hit achild with a hatchet running
away.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
He's like.
I'll clean it as best I can.
Mister, Thanks for the tip.
That was very nice of you.
I'm sure this won't getthreatening in any way, see that
it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I want to be able to see my face in this wood board.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
That's impossible.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
No, you could carve it, but that's neither here nor
there.
I'm not here.
I'm not a carver, we're reallygetting lost in the weeds.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
Try, try your best.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
I heard that whole conversation with the guard.
You think I'm falling for thisshit.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
All right, just make it pretty, go clean yourself up.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
God damn, this kid is mean.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
It's a goddamn gnome.
That isn't a child.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
That's a gnome.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
He's like 100.
Bamboozled To the general goodsstore.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
He said, get out, there's money on the dresser,
get out Go clean yourself upSometimes I want to get that
silver back in the morning.
What a hard little man Allright.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Yeah, I'm going to follow along to the General
Goods store.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
All right.
You walk into the General Goodsstore to see what was the name
of the General Goods store.
The name of the General Goodsstore is, if you say generally
good, I'm gonna huck a dicegenerally good the store.
The sign out front just saysthe ugringe general store.
So you walk in to see a veryold furball with just a big grin
on his face.
Looks like this is his prideand joy.
(14:54):
He loves doing.
He's even got a littlenameplate that says nor his
sonnet, like he loves doing this.
And he oh, he's very slowlytalking.
Gentlemen, seems like new facesin town.
How can I help?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
We got a coupon for a bath.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
They're vouchers Actually they're not fucking
coupons.
It's like I don't know why he'sangry.
Yeah, it's like this town,really proud of their coupons.
He's like everyone calls themcoupons, but they're fucking
vouchers.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
What's the difference ?
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Well, actually I guess that's important because a
voucher gets us for free.
A coupon is a discount.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
Or we'll have to buy one and get one.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
100% would be a discount, it's crazy how
unappreciative people are of ourgenerous system.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I do love this nominative determinism.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
It's the coupon voucher in this city, so you
pull out the voucher?
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Yeah, oh, and motion I didn't get it.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
I get a motion to him .
I just hand it to him.
His eyes light up and he's likeoh, are you part of the
military?
Speaker 2 (15:59):
That, uh, yeah, yes.
Military that, uh yeah, yes, Ithink.
Thank you so much for cominghere.
And he kind of ushers you backthrough a doorway that you can
see.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
On the sign says like restroom I uh oh god, if
there's gonna be a glory hole,just you know it's always the
fur book on the other side.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
That's a different voucher.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
No, that one's a coupon you pay for it all.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Right, this is probably gonna cut out, but
could you imagine a fantasy landwith glory holes, because they
would be like different heightedones and there'd have to be
like a step stool or a ladder,just to?
Speaker 3 (16:32):
You know there's somebody in there.
That's just like I'm going toput it through the dwarf sized
one and really blow theirfucking minds hey that's an orc
wiener.
What's it doing in the halflinghole?
I'm stuck.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Help.
It's like that one episode ofWinnie the Pooh the fur bulk
forgot about me.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
It's like when you get fat after putting your
wedding ring on.
It's just like a tube tiedaround a sausage.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
That's so funny.
Sorry, we go to the baths, sohe goes, you're more than
welcome to get yourself cleanedup here.
And then, if you're friends ofthe military, and then he points
and there's like a back storageroom with basic military stuff,
you can kind of tell that thisis the kind of place that, like
Jim lost his sword and doesn'twant to get his ass kicked by
his company.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
Can I do a quick roll , because I'm a little bit
concerned when somebody's justlike the military and we know
that he's on a border town, sowe're like which side yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
absolutely Roll me a perception check Cavan with
advantage.
Ooh, I got a 19.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
I like your dice that I'm borrowing bud 16.
16.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Okay With your perception check of a 21,.
You notice that a lot of theflyers and stuff around are for,
specifically, Soldeus, which isnot the current country but the
country that most people aretraveling to from here.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
With your history check, you notice a bit more of
the language that's used on theposter and you can tell that
there is some kind of politicalsomething going on, like all of
the political posters remind youof.
Like the Uncle Sam, I want you,type of things, but what's odd
to you is that this isn'tSoldeus.
(18:16):
We are currently in theOathmakers Coalition.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
What's on the Uncle Sam-esque poster?
What kind of person is pointingat?
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Yeah, it's essentially the king of, not
Soldeus, but it's like anendorsement by the local
government, so it's the localking of this area basically
saying come out to vote, andit's a campaign poster to a
certain degree.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
You know, it's never a bad thing when the king is
like come on, vote this isn'trigged.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
I love maybe losing my power I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Well, I guess I probably should have been more
specific.
It's not necessarily a campaignfor him to lose his power, but
for who they are throwing theirweight behind in this conflict
oh, okay, so the king isessentially campaigning to join
soldeus's continent.
Okay, so.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
So I'm just going to be like I see you have quite a
bit of memorabilia here.
Say, that's a great collectionof weapons and armor.
Any chance you have somethingfor a fellow connoisseur?
And I'm just going to open mytraveling cloak a little bit to
reveal the Soldean emblem that Ihave on my uh swords and my
(19:30):
accoutrement okay.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
So essentially he's like did you buy this or is it
your like?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
you reference yourself as a collector, so he's
kind of sussing that out uh,collected it, uh, the
old-fashioned way, with effortand hard work and a lifetime of
service and just a thousand yard, a thousand yard.
Stare where he's like you justhear like sad string, like you
(19:57):
hear a theremin playing as ifhe's drifting away into a
different time.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
That sentence started like it was going to be a
deception check, and then youjust went hard into the truth
yeah, it's that thing where,like he's just just staring off
and then you just went hard intothe truth.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
It's just like it's that thing where he's just
staring off and it's quiet andme and the shopkeeper are just
like.
He's like, oh I believe you, ohmy.
He goes oh.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I do collect certain things for my own personal goods
because I'm a big fan ofSoldeus.
Most of the things that I havehere that are available are what
any guard would carry, becauseI like that help out if things
get damaged or lost you say mostbut not all.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Maybe you gotta.
You gotta got any.
Okay, you're holding on somepotions, man oh, we have health
potions.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
And he points to a shelf and he's there's three or
how much does this voucher get?
Us the bath and like some basicneeds and he hands you like
some fresh, like clothes andstuff like that.
Speaker 3 (20:54):
Oh, what if I get you more of these vouchers?
What if I get you all of thisguard Marcus's vouchers?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Well then, you can have a lot of showers and fresh
things of clothes.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Does it inconvenience , marcus?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
You hate Marcus so much?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Marcus is actually a father of four.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
And he didn't ask that.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
He does everything he can and he's a genuinely good
person that.
I've never seen do bad.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Well, he's gonna genuinely be a stinky
motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I sure hope that nobody broke his will of being a
good man to where he'll startcommitting crimes.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
He did say, in fact, that he is switching sides.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Oh no, who did that?
Oh, it was us.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
To be fair, he kind of said Soldeus sucks butts as
we were leaving.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I don't believe that one bit.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
What is this?
This is the craziest grudge.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Good thing you guys aren't heroes in some kind of
story.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Okay, well, I'm going to be like that meme, that's
like leave.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Marcus alone.
He's already dead.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Yeah, I'm just like okay, Well, I was hoping I was
going to get us some healingpotions.
I don't know if you know this.
Last time we kind of got ourshit rocked.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yeah, and you haven't had a long rest since then.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
How do you know?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
How do you know, old man?
Oh, don't mind, he's like Idon't know.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
Sometimes things just come to me.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Yeah right, I got the sight.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Yeah, you have a shining.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Is that what it?
Speaker 3 (22:22):
is yeah, okay, well, I guess we don't have any.
You know what?
I'm just going to take a sword,leave a sword, just swap one in
Take a sword, leave a sword,yeah.
No, I feel like if we don'ttake a weapon, we're really not
using the voucher that Marcusgave us to its full extent.
So you know, take something,leave something bud.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Yeah, and he goes.
Is there anything else I couldhelp you, gentlemen, with?
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't really want to leave.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
I'm going to take that bath.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Hey, take the bath, get cleaned up.
I appreciate them.
A tip on the silver, whateverwould be appropriate.
Cool 20% yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
From Marcus 25%.
Yeah, oh, is there any liketrinkets or anything like that?
That would be like remind me ofsoldeus that I could maybe like
no, yeah, absolutely.
He's got like a little areawhere you can see that he's made
like custom little key chainsand like little stuff like that
okay, I look to see if he's gota key chain that looks like a
(23:20):
carriage license plate withfrolin on it, and I see Phelan
and Grolin but no Frolin.
Never a Frolin.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Oh hey, a Vance.
So many Vances Hang on.
This is crazy.
They have a Vance Ironside.
My first and last name.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
It would only be impressive if it was a middle
name in there too.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Oh, hang on behind it yeah, advanced p ironside, he
goes I'll figure out what the pstands for.
Later he goes is there any?
My middle nickname, my middlename is piss set it into a
microphone.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
It's canon, yeah this feels like a whole like.
No, you had a wife situation.
What is happening?
Go watch season one for thatreference.
But he goes.
Is there any place that yougentlemen are looking to go?
Speaker 3 (24:17):
I remember the taverns here being quite
exceptional.
On my tours I'm not going tolie I usually blacked out before
making it to all of them.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
That's why you thought they were nice oh, do
you not like them?
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I mean, they got the job done.
It sounds like yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
I mean they get a bit rowdy for my uh, for my liking
okay.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
Well, do you have something a little like scaled
down?
Do you have like a tgi fridays?
Speaker 2 (24:40):
one just opened.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
I franchised it myself oh cool, so you're part
of the destruction of a smalltown economy.
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Okay, if that's where we're going with this.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Would you like, Vance ?
Should we have gone to theWalmart instead?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
It's actually a Dollar General.
I'm surprised you didn't seethe big yellow sign.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Oh, they changed it to DG, so I got tricked.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
He goes well, and then are you wearing like priest
style clothes?
Speaker 1 (25:08):
No, so I'm in like cleric garb.
Instead of having the symbolsof Pelor, it's been replaced or
just removed.
So there's like slightdifferentiation.
I've tried his best to likecover it up, but like it's
either been replaced with hisfamily crest, which is like a
wolf's head, a mountain wolf,because I'm a dwarf A mine wolf
actually.
A mine wolf deep down in themines, those wolves, or it's
(25:33):
either missing or it's beenreplaced with the wolf's crest.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
But it is like cleric garb Gotcha Like yeah, so he
looks at you and he goes.
I don't know if I don't want tonecessarily assume by what
you're wearing, but we do have atemple on the north side of
town and our taverns are locatedfurther west, towards the
castle.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Which one do you think is most friendly to?
And I'm just going to tap theSultane symbol.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Well, that would be this side of town or south,
towards the processing barrackswhere most of the military tend
to stay.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
And last question, before I get real showered up
here, just actually as a lizard,I'm just going to do a dust
bath.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
I'm sure that'll get all the blood off and not just
cake that shit on harder.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Yeah, a little judgmental here, but we were
part of a caravan that wasattacked.
Has that been a frequentoccurrence?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Ah, you must have been traveling in from the east.
And then he just kind of looksover and he goes yes, that has
been happening more and more andI'm sure and he gestures to the
posters on the wall he's likeI'm sure you can see the posters
.
That's part of the reason thatthis vote is getting pushed
through is because many, like me, believe that Sudeus will be
(26:49):
able to actually provide theprotection for our citizens that
we need, so these needlessattacks can stop, that's true,
sudeus does have some very nicegibbets that we put bandits in.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
You can watch the crows peck them for days.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
It's such a fun game.
Children go by and just hitthem with sticks.
Everybody knows deterrence isthe best policy.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Any stance on that, Cleric?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I think everyone should.
Probably it would be better ifeveryone just chilled a bit, if
everyone could just chill.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Yeah, tell that to somebody slitting your throat.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Well, I did.
We did kill a couple of thebandits, so they were unchilled.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
So you're more of a do as I say, not as I do type.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Well, yeah, I mean, like you said, if people are
trying to slit your throat, yougotta you're not gonna just let
them do that and then havethey're like well, that guy I
slit his throat real easy.
I feel bad about it.
I should repent.
That's never going to happen.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
I mean it could, but you don't know, because you
murdered people.
He just gets raped.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Roland is so mad that you guys are letting him hang
on this joke.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
He's just like hang on, hang on.
It's crazy that you started outso like you switched
mid-sentence.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
I'm a contrarian.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Oh, you're the worst, you're the worst, anyways what?
Were you saying Ah, never mind,all right, we got to go.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
I don't want to anymore.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
So where would you guys like to go A head?
Speaker 1 (28:16):
start what?
Where are we going?
Speaker 3 (28:18):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Did I miss something?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
What do you call four dead bandits?
Head start Good.
What do you call four deadbandits A head start, a good
start, okay, oh, frolin, you'vedone it again.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
We have improv classes.
Oh, you have a voucher forthose.
I do.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Oh, then you should know how to.
Yes, and it makes sense thatthose are free.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Where would you guys like to go?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
I'd like to go to the temple.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
You said it's temple, then bar Temple to the temple
you said it's temple, then barTemple to the north tavern,
further in towards the capitalarea.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
Did we get a name for that tavern?
Speaker 2 (28:51):
You guys, we get a name it.
Well, you do.
Yeah, the Shaggy.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Owlbear.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
So you would like to go to the temple, and are you
also going to the temple or doyou want to go somewhere else?
I'm going to go to the tavern,Split the party.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
I'm going to go to the Shaggy Owl Bear.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
The Shaggy Owl Bear.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
It's right.
Next to the.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
I don't like where this is going the Shaved Bug
Bear.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
That's already the Shaggy Owl Bear.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
I know, but it's next to the Shaved Bug.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
Bear, which is.
What kind of establishment isthat?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
A barbershop, oh a barbershop, that Barbershop oh
barbershop.
Oh nice, that's much morewholesome than I anticipated.
And bikini wax.
I was about to say there it is,hey, it's still above board.
No, no, they do belows.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Nice.
So yeah right, just so mad, I'mjust so mad.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Because I could see out the corner of my eye how
proud he was of that.
I'm so happy.
I'm going to go to the, I'mgoing to go to the temple, and
then I'll meet you at the tavernlater.
It was what the hairy, thehairless, the hairy bird, the
shaggy owlbear.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Shaggy owlbear.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Your voice changed Furbolg.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Oh, I thought you were just talking and asking.
Nope, in character, doing acharacter thing.
Yes, it's the Damn it.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
We're leaving that in .
It's the shaggy owlbear.
Ah, thank you, I'll see you atthe shaggy owlbear.
Speaker 3 (30:17):
Say it in Elvish the shaggy owlbear.
Wait, are you an elf?
No, I'm Dwarvish.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
That's very weird.
Just walk up somebody's like,can you say it in Portuguese?
Just out of nowhere I mean youdon't know if you don't ask.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
Oh, now I have a new thing to do to people 99% of the
time, but that one time.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
That one time you're going to shit your pants, all
right.
So you're going to the temple,you're going to the bar.
You approach the temple and yousee a man in very traditional
church clothing and there's alittle encampment set up right
outside.
That is just a very likeshoddily put together, fenced in
area with a bunch of cots, andyou see him tending to wounded
and as you get closer you noticethat it is a dragon born.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Why has it got to be a dragon born?
Why is that important?
I haven't even met the guy.
Now you're making me makejudgments.
I was just letting you knowyour assumptions are on you.
I walk up to the the.
They said it was a priest,priest robes yeah, he goes.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
Ugh a dwarf see what you've done.
That's such a dragonbornresponse.
I can say that I'm one of themhe looks over so stupid.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Tyler broke himself.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
He looks over.
Oh, thank you so much.
I'm very glad to have your help.
Do you just know medicines?
What kind of healing can youprovide?
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Yep.
Okay, I've been traveling theland, I can do physical medicine
and also I'm blessed in theclerical ways.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
Ah, okay.
Well, I have it separated asbest as I can.
On the left, here are thegravely wounded that I'm doing
my best to keep together.
I'll take them.
Well, that's awfully bold ofyou, and he just kind of points,
he goes.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
I just go to the.
He motioned to a direction, soI just go over that way pretty
confident and I just startdragging cots together.
So their people are within.
What is that?
It's a 15-foot radius.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
I don't know.
He looks at you and he's like Idon't know your spells, but
he's like it seems like you're.
It seems like you're.
I guess I'm just going to haveto trust you.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
And I just start punching all the wounded.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
I'm here for the experience.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
I heal their wounds.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Through God he goes I guess I'll just have to trust
you and he starts working on themore minorly injured
individuals.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Yeah.
So I drag like five of the mostgrievously wounded near each
other and.
I cast prayer of healing Cool,okay, healing.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Cool, okay, cool, yeah, you can what's the prayer.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Oh, it's just very, I don't know, rub-a-dub-dub.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
Keep in the blood, Yay Paylor.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Just yeah, that's actually.
I think that's the kind ofinteresting thing you don't see
him do like a traditional prayer, Like cop out.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
What's a traditional prayer?
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Well, it'd be like you know, you put the hands over
it and like, oh pay Lord, oh no, I channel Canadian health care
.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Oh, he's not going to get help for like six months,
but it's free.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
But yeah, so instead of like taking like a focus or
anything like that, I just kindof like put my hands over and
just mumble a little prayer oflike please help these people in
a time of need, and like hishands start to glow and they
heal the 13 points or whatever Isaid.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Yeah, so they don't get completely healed, but they
are no longer fatally injured.
You've essentially stabilizedthem and put them on the path to
recovery.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
And go ahead and give yourself an inspiration for
playing into your character Nice.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
And he looks over and he goes.
Oh you were.
I don't want to necessarilymake any assumptions, but I was
not expecting that level fromjust a stranger that walked up
to the front of the temple yeah,we do what we can um and he
goes I.
I didn't catch your name.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
My name is estelle oh hi, uh, vance, sorry I uh,
people were dying so I figuredwe could do the politeness
afterwards, but it seems likethey got.
It seems like they're doing allright and roll me a perception.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Check 10 gotcha.
You notice that out of thegroup of people that are here,
it's split pretty 50-50 amongstsoldiers and like citizens.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Okay, I talk to the citizens while I'm there to be
like I'm just starting to domundane medicine checks now and
chatting with the people withthe cuts and bruises and whatnot
.
Yeah, I just know there's thesixth guy.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
Fuck that sixth.
Hurt man the sixth.
Guy's like oh, my daughter isgoing to miss me.
He keels over.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Probably yeah, if you were a good dad.
But no, I go to the after,taking care of all the grievous
ones.
I go to the nicks and cutsbecause I figure they're a bit
more able to talk For sure.
What's happening over here?
What's going on?
Speaker 2 (35:28):
The first citizen that's getting banished up, he
goes.
We were just at this localoutpost up north when, out of
nowhere, these wolves came outand attacked us.
It was so bizarre.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
He's like trying to get his ass in the air.
He covers his wolf insignia mytrauma and he takes psychic
damage and dies Crazy.
That guy was weak, yeah, buthe's psychic damage and dies
Crazy.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
That guy was weak, yeah, but he's like it's just
this cord it felt very.
He's just mumbling to himself.
He's like I just can't get histhoughts processed, okay so a
wolf attack up north.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
So it's not just bandits.
That's interesting.
They got a druid or a werewolf.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
Werewolves can control wolves right, or trained
dogs or a guy that has kibblesnacks and time on his hands.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Yeah, they just mauled a dude that had beef
jerky in his pocket.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
I want to know did they hear a clicking sound?
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Yeah, I kind of look around If there's anyone else
like I figure this takes alittle bit, but it's like ah,
you're collecting information,so there's been some wolf attack
up north and I go to thesoldiers.
I'm like well, what happened?
What happened over here?
Speaker 2 (36:33):
uh, he kind of mumbles the same thing about the
wolves, but he gets a littlebit more in detail where he's
like, yeah, we were justtransporting these people up to,
uh, kerr hill at the north, butlike that night, the very night
that we left the gate, thesewolves, they just came out of
nowhere and we don't have anyreason.
Unless they were starving todeath, there's no reason that
(36:54):
they would attack us.
But they hit us first and hekind of gestures and the guards
are way more wounded and it'slike wolves aren't that
intelligent.
He's just kind of going alongwith it.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
I'm like hey, and I uncover my wolf sensing.
What do you mean by that?
And these are, what soldiers?
Are these Soldaren?
Speaker 2 (37:13):
Roll me.
You know what?
You would know whether it wasthe local guard, because you're
from.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
Yeah, at worst I'd be like who are you with?
Speaker 2 (37:19):
They are Soldeus, okay, soldeus.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Okay, cool.
Yeah, I'll wrap that up and Iwill head to the tavern.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
Okay, cool, so nothing else for.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Estel.
No, I mean, I just kind ofwanted to do like I said.
He's a bit of a man of actions,Just came in, helped out, keep
his eyes open for anythinguntowards, and this seems like
kind of it.
I go to.
Estel and I go if you ever needanything, feel free to find me
Cool right on.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
Roll me a perception check on the way to the tavern.
Okay, 21.
, 21.
So you notice?
I see it.
Yeah, as soon as you clear thatmain road, all of the posters
are anti-Soldeus.
It seems like in the militaryareas it's very patriotic,
(38:12):
military areas it's verypatriotic, but anywhere off the
beaten path is like anti, likeshoot down the vote and like
organizations of we need to stopjoining, like like when you're
going through like small townamerica you see, like that no
windmills poster.
You know, all right, interesting, interesting.
And we cut over to cavern.
When you walk into the thetavern, you are immediately hit
(38:33):
with a bunch of anti-soldiuspropaganda and sitting at a
table way off in the distancetalking to a guard is an elf
that you can't 100% put ittogether, but you're fairly sure
.
Is that elf that escaped theattack?
Speaker 3 (38:55):
This isn't a TGI Fridays, and that's where we're
gonna end it All right.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
thank you all so much for watching.
This has been episode two ofseason two of the Monster
Monster Podcast.
I've been Tyler, your DM, andyou can catch everything I do at
nerd news.
Speaker 3 (39:12):
And I'm Kevin Eggleston.
You can catch everything atKevin Egglestoncom or Kevin
underscore egg on this socials,nice, and I'm Tyson Cox.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
You can find me at Tyson Cox comedy and, uh yeah,
keep an eye out.
We've got videos every week.
Previously on Monster Monster.
Our heroes were headed westwhen their caravan was descended
upon by a group of mysteriousbandits, and they were able to
escape to a nearby town.
However, they still don't knowthe origin of the attack or even
who they can trust.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Few things help an individual more than to place
responsibility upon them and tolet them know you trust them.
Booker T Washington.
Alright, welcome to MonsterMonster everybody.
This is episode two.
My name is Tyler Waltz, I amyour DM and, to my left, is
Kevin Eggleston.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
I'm playing Frolin Lealties, a dragonborn warrior
who just wants to find out whathappened to his squad.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
And I am Tyson Cox.
I'm playing Vance Ironside, adwarven cleric who's just
traveling the land and trying todo good and spread good and be
a good dude, just fit as manygoods as you can.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
That way people know you're good.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
His favorite restaurant is Good.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Burger.
What's his favorite Friday?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Fat.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Tuesday actually.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
How many goods can they put in his like character
description before it's likesuspicious?
I think when you all took adon't be evil out of like yeah,
yeah.
All right, but with that we aregetting right back into the show
.
You guys pull up to this gatebloodied, very confused, but not
as confused as the two guardsthat seem, uh, rather taken
(01:26):
aback by what they're witnessingrolling up at the front gate,
and the first one kind of likenot readies his spear but is
like kind of like nervous andscared and he goes.
Who who goes there?
Speaker 1 (01:41):
uh hey bud I'm vance, can you give us a hand here?
And uh, he like just pulls thecaravan up to a stop and then
just kind of like, exhaustedlylike, because he's not a horse
guy, he's not a centaur, uh,he's not a horse guy.
So he uh just kind of like likehis little dwarven legs are
just like so wide on the back ofa horse.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
He's like just kind of rolls over and falls off.
He goes, instead of it goinglike down the sides of the horse
.
It's just straight out.
It's just straight out.
Yeah, Like a pug sitting.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Yeah, if you could do me a favor, help me out with
this.
We got some women and childrenin the bag that might need some
help.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Also, why were you riding one of the horses
attached to the wagon?
You could have just sat on thewagon.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
I was just letting him go.
It was an emergency, okay.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
He's like.
I gotta make sure this oneknows where to go.
Tied to the other horse.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
This will be fine, Because one is a vehicle role
and the other is an animalhandling role.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
I have animal handling, so he goes.
What do you mean?
You have women.
Why are you covered in blood?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Because we were attacked.
Keep asking questions.
Don't worry, none of it is ours.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, and I, and I just kind ofgo to the back and kind of
ignore them because they're likekind of like vance is like you
guys are, you guys don't knowwhat you're doing and he just
goes back to help like see thewomen and children.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
Oh, okay, uh, I'm gonna hop down and be like you
there guard.
Uh, bring the barrackscommander, bring your commanding
officer.
Why are you still standing?
Speaker 2 (03:08):
there he just beside himself, he goes well, first off
, like you're not my boss, LikeI don't know what that's all
about, no, I pay my taxes.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Oh, he's a Karen.
We got a Karen.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
He sets down his spear and he goes sir, I'm going
to need to see your W-2s.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
So, technically, I'm going to need to see your W-2s.
So, technically, I pay yoursalary.
Ergo, I am your boss.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
And he goes.
Well, actually, they love itwhen you do that to them.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
They love that.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
He looks at your badge and he goes, yeah, there's
not a chance he's going toshock and grasp me.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Quit resisting, quit resisting.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
And he's like we haven't even put these people
through processing so I don'teven know where we would even
take them.
And then he looks over to theother guard at the station and
he goes you make sure he's notdoing anything suspicious, I'll
talk to him and he points to you.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
Oh, I'm sorry.
What would be suspicious abouttwo men showing up in a wagon
covered in blood that they havejust admitted is not theirs?
I feel like this needs acommanding officer to observe.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
He goes.
Just because it's not yoursdoesn't mean it's an enemy's.
You just said it came full ofwomen and children and there's
blood everywhere, we don't know.
Roll a persuasion check to seehow he feels about this whole
situation.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Vance just sticks his head out the side of the wagon.
He's like you're really bad atyour job, and then goes back and
goes back.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
And just both of us are like.
Which one's he talking to?
Both the gardener Now withdisadvantage because he's upset.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Oh, with a petty DM.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Got to establish it early, all right, so that's a 10
.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
You don't have to have disadvantage.
That was just a joke.
Can I have advantage then?
No, because it wasn't a goodjoke.
On a comedy podcast, you'redoing jokes?
Yeah, I'm trying.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Time and place bud People are covered in blood the
children.
I don't even know what's goingon with these children.
Yeah, I got that as a 10.
Pretty average.
Like he's convinced it was anaverage.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Okay, he goes okay, we can help you, but you're
still going to have to gothrough all the normal
processing and stuff like that,and he starts helping you get
people out and opens up the gateand he says, okay, immediately
to your left, we're going totake these people, they're going
to be processed.
Make sure that they get towhere they're going.
Is there anything that we cando to help the?
Speaker 3 (05:26):
two of you.
You seem a bit more capable ofhandling yourself.
Well, I think I think I would.
I would.
Hey, vance, would you enjoy ashower?
I don't know how often you likebeing covered in blood.
That's not yours.
Rare to never.
All right, non-zero chance.
Do you have a mage that canpress to digitate, or maybe a?
Speaker 1 (05:47):
A bath.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Yeah, even just like a wet, moist towelette would be
great.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Also he takes like a sweaty rag off of his head.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Beggars can't be, choosers Are you going to put
this right back on afterwards?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
I just hit my Dragonborn grundle and handed it
back to him.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
He goes.
Well, we don't Right around thecloaca.
Like just in there he goes okay, we don't have any of the fancy
wizards and stuff like that andthen he hands you a little
voucher and he says if you takethese to the local goods store
just right down the road here tothe west, give this to the
person at the desk and he'll fixyou.
Take these to the local goodsstore just right down the road
here to the west, give this tothe the person at the desk and
(06:28):
he'll fix you right up.
Just, you just have coupons thatyou're giving people well, I'm
kind of using one of my personalrations as a soldier to help
you guys out, so it feels kindof demeaning that you're like
questioning just a simple oh Ijust wondered if there was like
a like.
Speaker 3 (06:43):
You know how you go to some places and they're like
here's a floral wreath we putaround your neck and you guys
are just like here's a coupon.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Here's 50% off it Dick's last resort.
It's a free shower for thosenot being a dick.
That's kind of the way it saysthat on the paper.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Oh, it's a loves.
And where are you taking these?
People were attacked, assaultedby bandits.
Do you have like a posse or amilitia that you can summon to
go after more bandits in?
Speaker 2 (07:13):
the woods.
We will handle that.
As soon as we figure outeverything that is going on,
these people will be taken hereto the south and get processed.
We'll get them cleaned up, newclothes Just don't worry about
them and then I will get incontact with the proper people.
We'll set up defenses.
We don't necessarily have themanpower to go out at the moment
.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
Hey fans, I'm just going to just a quick aside.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Excuse me, mr Gardner , I'm going to talk.
I mean, I'm not going to walkaway.
Speaker 3 (07:42):
Cover your ears, don't be a rude.
Now who's being a rude?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Sally, you know what I want a second voucher.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I'm stationed here, you guys could walk like right
there, I'm in the back of thewagon.
What are you a town?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
guard from England.
You're like I'm not leavingthis place.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
They're a coupon-based society and their
guards can't move, Don't move.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
I'm going to just write a quick one.
It's just a coupon that sayscover your fucking ears.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
Oh no, thank you, those aren't accepted, You'll
have to go sell.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
You don't take competitors' coupons.
He's like that's counterfeitand arrests you.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
A real company town vibe oh no, oh no, vance, hey,
vance, they're taking thesepeople for processing.
Oh, you didn't walk away.
No, he said he's still in thewagon, so I'm just going to peek
my head.
They're taking these people forprocessing.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
I don't know about you, but I've never had a chance
where somebody's like, hey,these people just showed up
injured and potentially woundedand we're going to process them.
That's never turned out poorlyfor anyone historically.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
I take a look and I wonder is anyone injured in the
back of the wagon?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
You can see that there's a lot of people rattled.
There's probably some scrapesand bruises from the conflict,
but no like fatal eat.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Okay, I'd just like to be like.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Except for the one guy we drugged to death.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
The hand that was grasping onto the rope.
I look at the hand and I gogood thing I can regrow a body
off this.
Ah yes, cast Revivify yeahthat's how I get thing from Adam
Stanley.
Yeah, okay, I just like to domedicine to handle those cuts
and scrapes and I'm like, well,they seem like they're pretty
alright.
It's like a little rattled butI don't know and I stick my head
(09:15):
out the wagon like hey what doyou mean by?
Processing.
What is your coupon towns?
What do you guys do for that?
Speaker 2 (09:25):
I mean, I feel like it's very common for military to
have like vouchers for things.
It's not just that doesn't meanthe whole town works on that
economy.
You're pretty hung up on this,you, you keep bringing it up.
I gave you a piece of paper andyou decided to shit over
kindness so hey, I'm, I'm overthe moon for the shower.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
He's, he's the one that's, I'm rolling with it.
I thought you guys were coupon,aren't?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
you time right now?
Don't you have better things todo?
Speaker 3 (09:43):
No, that shower will keep?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
He goes yes, it's custom.
We're a border town to theneighboring country, so anybody
that comes through here, ifthey're traveling through, we
need to make sure thateverything is A-OK.
I mean, I don't know if youguys have heard about this, but
we're kind of in the middle of awar, so processing kind of
makes sense.
All right, hey, what's, wherewas your name?
He goes.
My name is Marcus.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
All right, hey Marcus , if I find out any of these
people get hurt or injured orhave anything untowards done to
them, I'm going to come back andbreak your knees, because
that's as high as I can reach.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Okay, yeah, I feel like our conversation has not
been vicious or have any form ofmalice, but whatever you need
to sleep at night, I guess Ilike your style, vance.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Well, you know they're innocent people.
Don't be rude to the innocent.
Alright, I think they're goodto go.
Where can we get the?
I want my wagon and I kind ofgive him a look of like, well,
free wagon Deception.
Speaker 3 (10:40):
No, I'm going to give him the help, I'm just going to
cross my arms and be like, yeah, wagon.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Deception 18 on the die so nat 20.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
18 on the die, so a nat 20?
.
Speaker 3 (10:53):
Magic of recording.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
We're going to watch this back and it's going to be
like that was a nat 20.
He goes.
I mean sure just, can we pleasehandle these people?
Yeah, let me, let you borrow mywagon.
Speaker 3 (11:07):
Okay, yeah, do you have a voucher for the staples.
Hang on, let's get off.
They don't like not everythingis coupon based.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
I'm learning.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I'm gonna take it back.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
I'm gonna take the coupon back quick lick it he
won't want it back, he'll lickit he goes just eat it and get
it now.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
He goes where we process the people.
Just up the road there's aplace, a stable, to put your
horses in your wagon.
Just please go get yourselfcleaned up, Is there?
Speaker 3 (11:30):
a place for accommodations.
We might be staying here for abit while the wagon gets
repaired.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
I'm not asking you to put us up, I'm just asking is
there a fucking?
Inn.
Yeah, there's a tavern past theGeneral Goods store.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
I was just going to say you know, what would have
better served you is a littlebooth that had coupons in it and
a map that says you are here.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Okay, where are?
Speaker 3 (11:50):
you from.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
That's very fancy.
It is very fancy.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
I'm saying a kiosk could have done this To be
honest, I was really like.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
you know what?
I don't normally do kind things.
I'm going to do a kind thingthis time and give them one of
my vouchers, but this is thelast good deed I'm ever fucking
doing.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
That's crazy for you to admit that out loud.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
I'm just.
You've done it.
This is your fault.
You have a weak soul.
If you ever come across anewspaper that's like local
guard Marcus did bad thing, Iwant you to know.
It's on your hands.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Oh, they have a town paper.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Yeah, so they could print more coupons.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Get the fuck out of here.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
I got to say goodbye to my horses and I go all right,
goodbye, marcus.
And I pet one of the horses andthen I go to the other horse.
Goodbye also, marcus, have agood night.
I don't believe you.
And then, yeah, heading to thetown.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
All right, I'm going to follow along and then, like,
as I follow behind Vience, I'mgoing to follow along and then,
as I follow behind Viance, I'mjust going to give the like I'm
watching you fingers to theguard.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Once again, I was nothing but kind.
So are you going straight tothat General Goods store.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Yeah, I mean they're taking our wagon to the stables.
Yes, you see the people thatare getting taken down the
street and everything like that.
I'm going to go.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Is there a little stable hand there?
Are you going to?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
harass him.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
I go to the general goods store.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I don't know what's happening, I'm just going to
give the kid, I'm going to justgive him like a silver piece and
be like, make sure that bloodcomes out.
That's the blood of bad people.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
I don't even work here and he runs off.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
No, no, no, he goes.
Oh, you think I can't hit achild with a hatchet running
away.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
He's like.
I'll clean it as best I can.
Mister, Thanks for the tip.
That was very nice of you.
I'm sure this won't getthreatening in any way, see that
it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I want to be able to see my face in this wood board.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
That's impossible.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
No, you could carve it, but that's neither here nor
there.
I'm not here.
I'm not a carver, we're reallygetting lost in the weeds.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
Try, try your best.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
I heard that whole conversation with the guard.
You think I'm falling for thisshit.
Speaker 3 (13:52):
All right, just make it pretty, go clean yourself up.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
God damn, this kid is mean.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
It's a goddamn gnome.
That isn't a child.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
That's a gnome.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
He's like 100.
Bamboozled To the general goodsstore.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
He said, get out, there's money on the dresser,
get out Go clean yourself upSometimes I want to get that
silver back in the morning.
What a hard little man Allright.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Yeah, I'm going to follow along to the General
Goods store.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
All right.
You walk into the General Goodsstore to see what was the name
of the General Goods store.
The name of the General Goodsstore is, if you say generally
good, I'm gonna huck a dicegenerally good the store.
The sign out front just saysthe ugringe general store.
So you walk in to see a veryold furball with just a big grin
on his face.
Looks like this is his prideand joy.
(14:54):
He loves doing.
He's even got a littlenameplate that says nor his
sonnet, like he loves doing this.
And he oh, he's very slowlytalking.
Gentlemen, seems like new facesin town.
How can I help?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
We got a coupon for a bath.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
They're vouchers Actually they're not fucking
coupons.
It's like I don't know why he'sangry.
Yeah, it's like this town,really proud of their coupons.
He's like everyone calls themcoupons, but they're fucking
vouchers.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
What's the difference ?
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Well, actually I guess that's important because a
voucher gets us for free.
A coupon is a discount.
Speaker 3 (15:35):
Or we'll have to buy one and get one.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
100% would be a discount, it's crazy how
unappreciative people are of ourgenerous system.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I do love this nominative determinism.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
It's the coupon voucher in this city, so you
pull out the voucher?
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Yeah, oh, and motion I didn't get it.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
I get a motion to him .
I just hand it to him.
His eyes light up and he's likeoh, are you part of the
military?
Speaker 2 (15:59):
That, uh, yeah, yes.
Military that, uh yeah, yes, Ithink.
Thank you so much for cominghere.
And he kind of ushers you backthrough a doorway that you can
see.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
On the sign says like restroom I uh oh god, if
there's gonna be a glory hole,just you know it's always the
fur book on the other side.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
That's a different voucher.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
No, that one's a coupon you pay for it all.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Right, this is probably gonna cut out, but
could you imagine a fantasy landwith glory holes, because they
would be like different heightedones and there'd have to be
like a step stool or a ladder,just to?
Speaker 3 (16:32):
You know there's somebody in there.
That's just like I'm going toput it through the dwarf sized
one and really blow theirfucking minds hey that's an orc
wiener.
What's it doing in the halflinghole?
I'm stuck.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Help.
It's like that one episode ofWinnie the Pooh the fur bulk
forgot about me.
Speaker 3 (16:57):
It's like when you get fat after putting your
wedding ring on.
It's just like a tube tiedaround a sausage.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
That's so funny.
Sorry, we go to the baths, sohe goes, you're more than
welcome to get yourself cleanedup here.
And then, if you're friends ofthe military, and then he points
and there's like a back storageroom with basic military stuff,
you can kind of tell that thisis the kind of place that, like
Jim lost his sword and doesn'twant to get his ass kicked by
his company.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
Can I do a quick roll , because I'm a little bit
concerned when somebody's justlike the military and we know
that he's on a border town, sowe're like which side yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
absolutely Roll me a perception check Cavan with
advantage.
Ooh, I got a 19.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
I like your dice that I'm borrowing bud 16.
16.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Okay With your perception check of a 21,.
You notice that a lot of theflyers and stuff around are for,
specifically, Soldeus, which isnot the current country but the
country that most people aretraveling to from here.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
With your history check, you notice a bit more of
the language that's used on theposter and you can tell that
there is some kind of politicalsomething going on, like all of
the political posters remind youof.
Like the Uncle Sam, I want you,type of things, but what's odd
to you is that this isn'tSoldeus.
(18:16):
We are currently in theOathmakers Coalition.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
What's on the Uncle Sam-esque poster?
What kind of person is pointingat?
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Yeah, it's essentially the king of, not
Soldeus, but it's like anendorsement by the local
government, so it's the localking of this area basically
saying come out to vote, andit's a campaign poster to a
certain degree.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
You know, it's never a bad thing when the king is
like come on, vote this isn'trigged.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
I love maybe losing my power I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Well, I guess I probably should have been more
specific.
It's not necessarily a campaignfor him to lose his power, but
for who they are throwing theirweight behind in this conflict
oh, okay, so the king isessentially campaigning to join
soldeus's continent.
Okay, so.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
So I'm just going to be like I see you have quite a
bit of memorabilia here.
Say, that's a great collectionof weapons and armor.
Any chance you have somethingfor a fellow connoisseur?
And I'm just going to open mytraveling cloak a little bit to
reveal the Soldean emblem that Ihave on my uh swords and my
(19:30):
accoutrement okay.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
So essentially he's like did you buy this or is it
your like?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
you reference yourself as a collector, so he's
kind of sussing that out uh,collected it, uh, the
old-fashioned way, with effortand hard work and a lifetime of
service and just a thousand yard, a thousand yard.
Stare where he's like you justhear like sad string, like you
(19:57):
hear a theremin playing as ifhe's drifting away into a
different time.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
That sentence started like it was going to be a
deception check, and then youjust went hard into the truth
yeah, it's that thing where,like he's just just staring off
and then you just went hard intothe truth.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
It's just like it's that thing where he's just
staring off and it's quiet andme and the shopkeeper are just
like.
He's like, oh I believe you, ohmy.
He goes oh.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I do collect certain things for my own personal goods
because I'm a big fan ofSoldeus.
Most of the things that I havehere that are available are what
any guard would carry, becauseI like that help out if things
get damaged or lost you say mostbut not all.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Maybe you gotta.
You gotta got any.
Okay, you're holding on somepotions, man oh, we have health
potions.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
And he points to a shelf and he's there's three or
how much does this voucher get?
Us the bath and like some basicneeds and he hands you like
some fresh, like clothes andstuff like that.
Speaker 3 (20:54):
Oh, what if I get you more of these vouchers?
What if I get you all of thisguard Marcus's vouchers?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Well then, you can have a lot of showers and fresh
things of clothes.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
Does it inconvenience , marcus?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
You hate Marcus so much?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Marcus is actually a father of four.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
And he didn't ask that.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
He does everything he can and he's a genuinely good
person that.
I've never seen do bad.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Well, he's gonna genuinely be a stinky
motherfucker.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I sure hope that nobody broke his will of being a
good man to where he'll startcommitting crimes.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
He did say, in fact, that he is switching sides.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
Oh no, who did that?
Oh, it was us.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
To be fair, he kind of said Soldeus sucks butts as
we were leaving.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I don't believe that one bit.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
What is this?
This is the craziest grudge.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
Good thing you guys aren't heroes in some kind of
story.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Okay, well, I'm going to be like that meme, that's
like leave.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Marcus alone.
He's already dead.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Yeah, I'm just like okay, Well, I was hoping I was
going to get us some healingpotions.
I don't know if you know this.
Last time we kind of got ourshit rocked.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Yeah, and you haven't had a long rest since then.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
How do you know?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
How do you know, old man?
Oh, don't mind, he's like Idon't know.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
Sometimes things just come to me.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Yeah right, I got the sight.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Yeah, you have a shining.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Is that what it?
Speaker 3 (22:22):
is yeah, okay, well, I guess we don't have any.
You know what?
I'm just going to take a sword,leave a sword, just swap one in
Take a sword, leave a sword,yeah.
No, I feel like if we don'ttake a weapon, we're really not
using the voucher that Marcusgave us to its full extent.
So you know, take something,leave something bud.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Yeah, and he goes.
Is there anything else I couldhelp you, gentlemen, with?
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't really want to leave.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
I'm going to take that bath.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Hey, take the bath, get cleaned up.
I appreciate them.
A tip on the silver, whateverwould be appropriate.
Cool 20% yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
From Marcus 25%.
Yeah, oh, is there any liketrinkets or anything like that?
That would be like remind me ofsoldeus that I could maybe like
no, yeah, absolutely.
He's got like a little areawhere you can see that he's made
like custom little key chainsand like little stuff like that
okay, I look to see if he's gota key chain that looks like a
(23:20):
carriage license plate withfrolin on it, and I see Phelan
and Grolin but no Frolin.
Never a Frolin.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Oh hey, a Vance.
So many Vances Hang on.
This is crazy.
They have a Vance Ironside.
My first and last name.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
It would only be impressive if it was a middle
name in there too.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
Oh, hang on behind it yeah, advanced p ironside, he
goes I'll figure out what the pstands for.
Later he goes is there any?
My middle nickname, my middlename is piss set it into a
microphone.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
It's canon, yeah this feels like a whole like.
No, you had a wife situation.
What is happening?
Go watch season one for thatreference.
But he goes.
Is there any place that yougentlemen are looking to go?
Speaker 3 (24:17):
I remember the taverns here being quite
exceptional.
On my tours I'm not going tolie I usually blacked out before
making it to all of them.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
That's why you thought they were nice oh, do
you not like them?
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I mean, they got the job done.
It sounds like yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
I mean they get a bit rowdy for my uh, for my liking
okay.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
Well, do you have something a little like scaled
down?
Do you have like a tgi fridays?
Speaker 2 (24:40):
one just opened.
Speaker 3 (24:41):
I franchised it myself oh cool, so you're part
of the destruction of a smalltown economy.
That's cool.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Okay, if that's where we're going with this.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Would you like, Vance ?
Should we have gone to theWalmart instead?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
It's actually a Dollar General.
I'm surprised you didn't seethe big yellow sign.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Oh, they changed it to DG, so I got tricked.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
He goes well, and then are you wearing like priest
style clothes?
Speaker 1 (25:08):
No, so I'm in like cleric garb.
Instead of having the symbolsof Pelor, it's been replaced or
just removed.
So there's like slightdifferentiation.
I've tried his best to likecover it up, but like it's
either been replaced with hisfamily crest, which is like a
wolf's head, a mountain wolf,because I'm a dwarf A mine wolf
actually.
A mine wolf deep down in themines, those wolves, or it's
(25:33):
either missing or it's beenreplaced with the wolf's crest.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
But it is like cleric garb Gotcha Like yeah, so he
looks at you and he goes.
I don't know if I don't want tonecessarily assume by what
you're wearing, but we do have atemple on the north side of
town and our taverns are locatedfurther west, towards the
castle.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Which one do you think is most friendly to?
And I'm just going to tap theSultane symbol.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
Well, that would be this side of town or south,
towards the processing barrackswhere most of the military tend
to stay.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
And last question, before I get real showered up
here, just actually as a lizard,I'm just going to do a dust
bath.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
I'm sure that'll get all the blood off and not just
cake that shit on harder.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
Yeah, a little judgmental here, but we were
part of a caravan that wasattacked.
Has that been a frequentoccurrence?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Ah, you must have been traveling in from the east.
And then he just kind of looksover and he goes yes, that has
been happening more and more andI'm sure and he gestures to the
posters on the wall he's likeI'm sure you can see the posters
.
That's part of the reason thatthis vote is getting pushed
through is because many, like me, believe that Sudeus will be
(26:49):
able to actually provide theprotection for our citizens that
we need, so these needlessattacks can stop, that's true,
sudeus does have some very nicegibbets that we put bandits in.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
You can watch the crows peck them for days.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
It's such a fun game.
Children go by and just hitthem with sticks.
Everybody knows deterrence isthe best policy.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Any stance on that, Cleric?
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I think everyone should.
Probably it would be better ifeveryone just chilled a bit, if
everyone could just chill.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Yeah, tell that to somebody slitting your throat.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Well, I did.
We did kill a couple of thebandits, so they were unchilled.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
So you're more of a do as I say, not as I do type.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Well, yeah, I mean, like you said, if people are
trying to slit your throat, yougotta you're not gonna just let
them do that and then havethey're like well, that guy I
slit his throat real easy.
I feel bad about it.
I should repent.
That's never going to happen.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
I mean it could, but you don't know, because you
murdered people.
He just gets raped.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Roland is so mad that you guys are letting him hang
on this joke.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
He's just like hang on, hang on.
It's crazy that you started outso like you switched
mid-sentence.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
I'm a contrarian.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Oh, you're the worst, you're the worst, anyways what?
Were you saying Ah, never mind,all right, we got to go.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
I don't want to anymore.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
So where would you guys like to go A head?
Speaker 1 (28:16):
start what?
Where are we going?
Speaker 3 (28:18):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Did I miss something?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
What do you call four dead bandits?
Head start Good.
What do you call four deadbandits A head start, a good
start, okay, oh, frolin, you'vedone it again.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
We have improv classes.
Oh, you have a voucher forthose.
I do.
Speaker 3 (28:37):
Oh, then you should know how to.
Yes, and it makes sense thatthose are free.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Where would you guys like to go?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
I'd like to go to the temple.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
You said it's temple, then bar Temple to the temple
you said it's temple, then barTemple to the north tavern,
further in towards the capitalarea.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
Did we get a name for that tavern?
Speaker 2 (28:51):
You guys, we get a name it.
Well, you do.
Yeah, the Shaggy.
Speaker 3 (28:57):
Owlbear.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
So you would like to go to the temple, and are you
also going to the temple or doyou want to go somewhere else?
I'm going to go to the tavern,Split the party.
Speaker 3 (29:03):
I'm going to go to the Shaggy Owl Bear.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
The Shaggy Owl Bear.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
It's right.
Next to the.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
I don't like where this is going the Shaved Bug
Bear.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
That's already the Shaggy Owl Bear.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
I know, but it's next to the Shaved Bug.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
Bear, which is.
What kind of establishment isthat?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
A barbershop, oh a barbershop, that Barbershop oh
barbershop.
Oh nice, that's much morewholesome than I anticipated.
And bikini wax.
I was about to say there it is,hey, it's still above board.
No, no, they do belows.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
Nice.
So yeah right, just so mad, I'mjust so mad.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Because I could see out the corner of my eye how
proud he was of that.
I'm so happy.
I'm going to go to the, I'mgoing to go to the temple, and
then I'll meet you at the tavernlater.
It was what the hairy, thehairless, the hairy bird, the
shaggy owlbear.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Shaggy owlbear.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Your voice changed Furbolg.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Oh, I thought you were just talking and asking.
Nope, in character, doing acharacter thing.
Yes, it's the Damn it.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
We're leaving that in .
It's the shaggy owlbear.
Ah, thank you, I'll see you atthe shaggy owlbear.
Speaker 3 (30:17):
Say it in Elvish the shaggy owlbear.
Wait, are you an elf?
No, I'm Dwarvish.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
That's very weird.
Just walk up somebody's like,can you say it in Portuguese?
Just out of nowhere I mean youdon't know if you don't ask.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
Oh, now I have a new thing to do to people 99% of the
time, but that one time.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
That one time you're going to shit your pants, all
right.
So you're going to the temple,you're going to the bar.
You approach the temple and yousee a man in very traditional
church clothing and there's alittle encampment set up right
outside.
That is just a very likeshoddily put together, fenced in
area with a bunch of cots, andyou see him tending to wounded
and as you get closer you noticethat it is a dragon born.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Why has it got to be a dragon born?
Why is that important?
I haven't even met the guy.
Now you're making me makejudgments.
I was just letting you knowyour assumptions are on you.
I walk up to the the.
They said it was a priest,priest robes yeah, he goes.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
Ugh a dwarf see what you've done.
That's such a dragonbornresponse.
I can say that I'm one of themhe looks over so stupid.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Tyler broke himself.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
He looks over.
Oh, thank you so much.
I'm very glad to have your help.
Do you just know medicines?
What kind of healing can youprovide?
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Yep.
Okay, I've been traveling theland, I can do physical medicine
and also I'm blessed in theclerical ways.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
Ah, okay.
Well, I have it separated asbest as I can.
On the left, here are thegravely wounded that I'm doing
my best to keep together.
I'll take them.
Well, that's awfully bold ofyou, and he just kind of points,
he goes.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
I just go to the.
He motioned to a direction, soI just go over that way pretty
confident and I just startdragging cots together.
So their people are within.
What is that?
It's a 15-foot radius.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
I don't know.
He looks at you and he's like Idon't know your spells, but
he's like it seems like you're.
It seems like you're.
I guess I'm just going to haveto trust you.
Speaker 1 (32:47):
And I just start punching all the wounded.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
I'm here for the experience.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
I heal their wounds.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Through God he goes I guess I'll just have to trust
you and he starts working on themore minorly injured
individuals.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Yeah.
So I drag like five of the mostgrievously wounded near each
other and.
I cast prayer of healing Cool,okay, healing.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Cool, okay, cool, yeah, you can what's the prayer.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Oh, it's just very, I don't know, rub-a-dub-dub.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
Keep in the blood, Yay Paylor.
Speaker 1 (33:23):
Just yeah, that's actually.
I think that's the kind ofinteresting thing you don't see
him do like a traditional prayer, Like cop out.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
What's a traditional prayer?
Speaker 1 (33:33):
Well, it'd be like you know, you put the hands over
it and like, oh pay Lord, oh no, I channel Canadian health care
.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Oh, he's not going to get help for like six months,
but it's free.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
But yeah, so instead of like taking like a focus or
anything like that, I just kindof like put my hands over and
just mumble a little prayer oflike please help these people in
a time of need, and like hishands start to glow and they
heal the 13 points or whatever Isaid.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
Yeah, so they don't get completely healed, but they
are no longer fatally injured.
You've essentially stabilizedthem and put them on the path to
recovery.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
And go ahead and give yourself an inspiration for
playing into your character Nice.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
And he looks over and he goes.
Oh you were.
I don't want to necessarilymake any assumptions, but I was
not expecting that level fromjust a stranger that walked up
to the front of the temple yeah,we do what we can um and he
goes I.
I didn't catch your name.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
My name is estelle oh hi, uh, vance, sorry I uh,
people were dying so I figuredwe could do the politeness
afterwards, but it seems likethey got.
It seems like they're doing allright and roll me a perception.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Check 10 gotcha.
You notice that out of thegroup of people that are here,
it's split pretty 50-50 amongstsoldiers and like citizens.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Okay, I talk to the citizens while I'm there to be
like I'm just starting to domundane medicine checks now and
chatting with the people withthe cuts and bruises and whatnot
.
Yeah, I just know there's thesixth guy.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
Fuck that sixth.
Hurt man the sixth.
Guy's like oh, my daughter isgoing to miss me.
He keels over.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Probably yeah, if you were a good dad.
But no, I go to the after,taking care of all the grievous
ones.
I go to the nicks and cutsbecause I figure they're a bit
more able to talk For sure.
What's happening over here?
What's going on?
Speaker 2 (35:28):
The first citizen that's getting banished up, he
goes.
We were just at this localoutpost up north when, out of
nowhere, these wolves came outand attacked us.
It was so bizarre.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
He's like trying to get his ass in the air.
He covers his wolf insignia mytrauma and he takes psychic
damage and dies Crazy.
That guy was weak, yeah, buthe's psychic damage and dies
Crazy.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
That guy was weak, yeah, but he's like it's just
this cord it felt very.
He's just mumbling to himself.
He's like I just can't get histhoughts processed, okay so a
wolf attack up north.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
So it's not just bandits.
That's interesting.
They got a druid or a werewolf.
Speaker 3 (36:05):
Werewolves can control wolves right, or trained
dogs or a guy that has kibblesnacks and time on his hands.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Yeah, they just mauled a dude that had beef
jerky in his pocket.
Speaker 3 (36:16):
I want to know did they hear a clicking sound?
Speaker 1 (36:18):
Yeah, I kind of look around If there's anyone else
like I figure this takes alittle bit, but it's like ah,
you're collecting information,so there's been some wolf attack
up north and I go to thesoldiers.
I'm like well, what happened?
What happened over here?
Speaker 2 (36:33):
uh, he kind of mumbles the same thing about the
wolves, but he gets a littlebit more in detail where he's
like, yeah, we were justtransporting these people up to,
uh, kerr hill at the north, butlike that night, the very night
that we left the gate, thesewolves, they just came out of
nowhere and we don't have anyreason.
Unless they were starving todeath, there's no reason that
(36:54):
they would attack us.
But they hit us first and hekind of gestures and the guards
are way more wounded and it'slike wolves aren't that
intelligent.
He's just kind of going alongwith it.
Speaker 1 (37:06):
I'm like hey, and I uncover my wolf sensing.
What do you mean by that?
And these are, what soldiers?
Are these Soldaren?
Speaker 2 (37:13):
Roll me.
You know what?
You would know whether it wasthe local guard, because you're
from.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
Yeah, at worst I'd be like who are you with?
Speaker 2 (37:19):
They are Soldeus, okay, soldeus.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Okay, cool.
Yeah, I'll wrap that up and Iwill head to the tavern.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
Okay, cool, so nothing else for.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
Estel.
No, I mean, I just kind ofwanted to do like I said.
He's a bit of a man of actions,Just came in, helped out, keep
his eyes open for anythinguntowards, and this seems like
kind of it.
I go to.
Estel and I go if you ever needanything, feel free to find me
Cool right on.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
Roll me a perception check on the way to the tavern.
Okay, 21.
, 21.
So you notice?
I see it.
Yeah, as soon as you clear thatmain road, all of the posters
are anti-Soldeus.
It seems like in the militaryareas it's very patriotic,
(38:12):
military areas it's verypatriotic, but anywhere off the
beaten path is like anti, likeshoot down the vote and like
organizations of we need to stopjoining, like like when you're
going through like small townamerica you see, like that no
windmills poster.
You know, all right, interesting, interesting.
And we cut over to cavern.
When you walk into the thetavern, you are immediately hit
(38:33):
with a bunch of anti-soldiuspropaganda and sitting at a
table way off in the distancetalking to a guard is an elf
that you can't 100% put ittogether, but you're fairly sure
.
Is that elf that escaped theattack?
Speaker 3 (38:55):
This isn't a TGI Fridays, and that's where we're
gonna end it All right.
Speaker 2 (39:03):
thank you all so much for watching.
This has been episode two ofseason two of the Monster
Monster Podcast.
I've been Tyler, your DM, andyou can catch everything I do at
nerd news.
Speaker 3 (39:12):
And I'm Kevin Eggleston.
You can catch everything atKevin Egglestoncom or Kevin
underscore egg on this socials,nice, and I'm Tyson Cox.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
You can find me at Tyson Cox comedy and, uh yeah,
keep an eye out.
We've got videos every week.
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