PsycHacks

If it is better for most relationships for the man to control the frame, why do women hold more power in the vast majority of relationships? While the abnegation of frame occurs at the onset of some relationships as a sexual strategy, in most cases power is slowly ceded over time through a series of small concessions. This starts to occur once a certain fear takes hold of the man, which is an emotional event I call “the beginning o...

I've occasionally been asked to offer a psychological explanation for why certain powerful or charismatic personalities have apparently been able to seduce the hearts and minds of young men. I contend that this phenomenon has a lot to do with the disappearance of male space and the need for belongingness that these communities satisfy. Who speaks for men? If it is considered inappropriate to support men, then don't be surprised if ...

The past fifty years have amassed a good deal of evidence in support of attachment theory. Unfortunately, this has led to the overapplication of these ideas in the popular imagination, including the notions that attachment style is permanent or must be accommodated in relationship. In point of fact, attachment can change. Understanding how it changes is the key to overcoming relational insecurity.

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Just like certain plants won't grow in certain soils, happiness will not survive in a mind full of judgment and negativity. While people are free to think whatever they want, they are not free to feel however they want as a consequence of what they choose to think. This is why not everyone can be happy. Understand that your thoughts create your reality and you're already on your way to cultivating preferred feeling states.

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Of the course of my career, I've conducted many consultations with men who have resigned themselves to toxic or abusive marriages. Though miserable, these men believe that staying for the kids will prevent even more negative outcomes for everyone involved. In today's episode, I will be responding to the arguments of these men. Ultimately, they must decide what they hope their children will do if they ever find themselves in the sam...

Men are growing increasingly isolated. Without regular contact with friends, men's mental health deteriorates, contributing -- in some cases -- to the significantly higher rates of addiction and self-harm in this population. Men need friends, and it's up to men to solve the loneliness problem by overcoming the obstacles that exacerbate it.

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Is it merely a coincidence that women's success in the West has coincided with the widespread use of tactics designed to demotivate men? Using an anecdote from my own life -- the Easter egg hunt -- I discuss the PSA (pity, shame, anger) strategy to alter male behavior in the service of female achievement. This is how women get men to lose. Unfortunately, the use of this strategy is ultimately counterproductive for women, as it unde...

When it comes to relationships, it's very difficult to secure the relationship terms you would prefer with the person you would prefer to have a relationship with. The more people place the person ahead of the terms -- or the more desirable the person with whom they are attempting to transact -- the more likely they will need to cede their relationship preferences. This is often the cost of doing business. They secure the relations...

After consulting with thousands of men, I've discovered that many of them are complicit in creating the relationship dysfunction of which they complain. By rewarding bad behavior, men unintentionally reinforce their own suffering in a process I call "creating a monster." This is how men ruin their marriages. Alternatively, men would be better off giving in as quickly as possible or holding the line no matter what.

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Like it or not, tests are a necessary aspect of life. Rather than considering them burdens or annoyances, it is helpful to understand that tests are opportunities. Consider the way of Hercules: his 12 labors revealed his potential and signaled his excellence, both to others and to himself. And since tests are generally a sign of interest, it is useful to reframe them as a chance to demonstrate your talent and skill. Embracing the w...

Women often tell me that the reason they aren't interested in securing a long-term relationship in their 20s is because they consider the development of their careers to be a necessary hedge against being left in the lurch further down the road. However, this is actually not a hedge: it is the primary bet. When women hedge they leverage a relationship against the downside of their work -- not the other way around. This isn't necess...

There are many popular misconceptions about mental illness. It is not very encouraging, but certain issues might not ever go away completely -- even with treatment. However, by treating these conditions like chronic diseases, it's possible for people to live happy, normal lives -- provided they appropriately adapt to the reality of their situation. In today's episode, I discuss the truth about mental illness and how to live with it...

It is difficult for men -- even very successful men -- to maintain relationships with women. This is not only because everything they have provided no longer matters, but because they eventually run out of things to provide, as well. This is the law of marginal utility applied to relationships, and it explains why you cannot buy a relationship long-term. At a certain point, your money's no good here, and you need to find other ways...

Many women believe that a man will not respect them -- or consider them for a long-term relationship -- if she is too "easy" in the courtship process. This is not true. When it comes to their relationships, men don't want a challenge. This is because -- when it comes to the average man -- his life is hard enough. While men might need a chase, they are not looking for a woman to complicate their lives.

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It's come to my attention that -- when it comes to relationships -- many women are not very good at sealing the deal. This is because women don't close. Like bad salesmen, they tend to lead with what they want, which is unlikely to end with a sale. For better or worse, what you want doesn't matter. Rather, it's a good idea to lead with what the other person wants and frame what you want as a means to that end.

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Is it possible to attain wisdom without having to learn the hard way? In today's episode, I discuss how people learn by walking the two paths: the path of light and the path of pain. Most people learn most of their lessons on the path of pain, which is a kind of feedback that the models from which our behavior proceeds are not aligned with reality. Fortunately, we can all learn to walk on the path of light by learning from the pain...

I often hear men complaining that they can't find women willing to provide value to their lives. However, in my experience, women want to care for you -- provided you offer a sufficiently attractive relationship opportunity. And one of the best ways for men to determine the extent of this desire is to ask women to do things for them as early in the courtship process as possible. Put her to work: you will either get what you want or...

With a new year upon us, many people will be trying to change their behavior in the coming weeks. As we all know, this is not very easy to do. In today's episode, I discuss where the battle is won in order to help facilitate success, namely: in the ten second conflict that generally precedes making an decision. A little discipline goes a long way toward self-improvement, though we can give ourselves an advantage by how we choose to...

The truth about good relationships is that good relationships are boring. No one particularly likes to admit this, but that doesn't change the fact of the matter. Good relationships are stable, reliable, predictable, and free of conflict and drama. This is neither particularly interesting nor exciting. In general, one's capacity to have a good relationship is directly correlated with one's ability to tolerate boredom. Using Yasujir...