April 16, 2025 • 12 mins
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Research shows that four specific communication behaviors during arguments can predict divorce with 80-90% accuracy, while eliminating these behaviors can dramatically improve marriage success.
• The four horsemen of relationship conflict are defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling
• Defensiveness deflects blame and responsibility, creating a downward spiral in communication
• Criticism attacks a partner's character rather than addressing specific behaviors
• Contempt is the most dangerous pattern, involving feelings of superiority toward your partner
• Stonewalling occurs when one partner mentally or physically shuts down during conflict
• The antidote to stonewalling is taking a purposeful break with the intention to resume later
• Taking time to cool down and process emotions leads to more productive conflict resolution
• Sometimes sleeping on an issue provides needed perspective, contrary to "don't go to bed angry" advice
• Breaking these harmful communication patterns requires recognizing and interrupting them early
Get our ultimate guide to better communication by visiting marriagehelper.com/smart to access our toolkit on how to communicate effectively, even when your spouse isn't talking to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
There are four things that, if you do them when you
and your spouse are in themiddle of fighting, can actually
give a huge likelihood that youand your spouse may likely
divorce.
And in fact, if you stop doingthese four things in the middle
of fighting, then the chances ofdivorce decrease 80 to 90%,
which is incredible.
(00:20):
That's an incredible stat.
All of this was found in thework of Dr John Gottman out at
the Love Lab, the University ofWashington in Seattle, several
years ago, and these are fourhorsemen that have been around a
long time and maybe you've evenheard of them.
But in today's video I'm goingto be going a quick overview of
what the four horsemen are, butreally we're going to sit for a
(00:40):
minute on the one calledstonewalling.
We're going to talk about whatstonewalling is and what the
antidote to stonewalling can bein order to stop stonewalling
and actually do more productivethings in the middle of your
fighting and in the middle ofyour conversations.
Overall, the four horsemen areas follows the first of the four
horsemen, in no particularorder, is defensiveness.
(01:02):
Defensiveness, many of us canunderstand, is pretty much what
it sounds like when someone likemy husband if he were to come
to me and say you didn't takethe trash out today or something
like that, then if I respond bywell, you didn't do your part,
you didn't unload the dishwasheror I haven't taken the trash
(01:22):
out because I've been doing allof these other things around the
house that you never showappreciation for, that's
defensiveness and it's basicallysaying that I'm not the problem
, it's you.
The opposite of what TaylorSwift would say.
It's basically saying, hey, I'mdiverting blame because I don't
really want to takeresponsibility for my actions.
(01:42):
In this, defensivenesscontinues to spiral the
conversation downward.
You're likely never going toget out of a cycle of
defensiveness, because it justleads the other person to become
more defensive.
The second of the four horsemenis criticism, and in criticism,
it's when you begin to see theother person as the problem and
not just their actions.
So it's basically when youbegin to say what's wrong with
(02:08):
you.
It's when you turn a complaintand you make it very personal.
So a criticism, an example howI might be critical towards my
husband is if he didn't take thetrash out and instead of just
saying, hey, babe, would youmind getting the trash when you
get the chance, it would insteadbe me saying, rob, how do you
always forget to take the trashout?
What's wrong with you?
(02:29):
You do this all the time.
What's wrong with you?
I'm not just talking about thebehavior.
I'm now attacking his character.
I'm attacking him personally.
That's criticism.
The third of the four horsemenis contempt, and this one kind
of plays off of criticism.
It's taking criticism a stepdeeper, where it's not just you
looking at the other person andsaying what's wrong with you,
(02:52):
but it's looking at the otherperson and saying, not only is
there something wrong with you,but I'm better than you, you are
beneath me in some way.
It's taking the example of thetrash and saying hey, rob, why
didn't you take the trash out?
You never take the trash out.
You know what I knew?
You were good for nothing.
(03:12):
You're just lazy.
You just sit around all day.
How can I get anything donewhen I don't have someone in the
house to actually help me doanything?
I can't believe you.
This takes criticism severalsteps further, because I'm not
just attacking his character,but I'm actually putting him in
a place where I see myself asbeing superior to him.
(03:34):
I see myself as being betterthan him.
And the real problem with thatis I'm going to begin acting
like that and people who live incontemptuous marriages.
They suffer from decreasedimmune system.
They are more likely to be sickall of the time many other
terrible things, but that's notthe topic of today's video.
It's terrible, though Shouldn'tbe contemptuous.
(03:55):
Then the fourth of the fourhorsemen is stonewalling, and
stonewalling at its core isbasically what it sounds like
that the person who is doing thestonewalling is putting a wall
up and they're starting to shutthemselves off from what they're
hearing.
It would be like in thissituation the example I'll
(04:16):
continue using if I go to myhusband, rob, and I say why
didn't you take the trash out?
And he just begins to shut down.
He begins to maybe try andleave the room or escape the
conversation, maybe he justclamps down to where he won't
speak to me, no matter how muchI try to get him to.
And you see, there's two thingsthat are typical to happen in
(04:39):
this kind of situation.
I am not a stonewaller.
My husband actually isn'teither, but for this type of
conversation, let's say myhusband Rob was a stonewaller.
My husband actually isn'teither, but for this type of
conversation, let's say myhusband Rob was a stonewaller.
Then if I go to him and I'mtrying to get him to talk to me
about something.
I'm trying to get him todiscuss a situation or to talk
about an issue like not takingthe trash out, or whatever it
might be.
(04:59):
Then if he begins stonewalling,it's when he starts to shut
down.
It's going to lead me to justpress in further.
Why aren't you talking to me?
I need you to answer me.
I'm going to actually escalatein my conflict in order to try
and get him to talk to me, whichactually, as a stonewaller,
would just get him to shut downeven more.
(05:21):
Think of it like a box turtle.
So there's snapping turtles andthere's box turtles For this
example.
Snapping turtles, you try andfight them, they're going to
snap back.
They're going to fight back.
But a box turtle if you go upto it and you scare it, if you
try and fight them, they're justgoing to go into their shell
and they're going to sealthemselves off.
That's what stonewalling is.
(05:44):
But another way thatstonewalling could occur is if
two people are stonewallers.
So let's say I'm a stonewallerand my husband's a stonewaller.
Then if I get angry at him, Imay begin by bringing up an
issue or trying to addresssomething.
I probably tend to do itpassive, aggressively.
Maybe I actually don't sayanything about taking out the
(06:04):
trash, but I get the trash, Istart throwing the bag on the
ground really loudly, tying itshut, stomping through the
kitchen and through the house tothe back door to take it out,
slam the door shut behind mebecause I don't want to actually
address the problem with him,because I'm stonewalling but I
want him to hear that I'm angry,so I'm being passive aggressive
(06:24):
about it, and then he, asstonewalling back may then tend
to also continue to do passiveaggressive behaviors to where
both people are actuallyfighting but they are likely not
even talking to each other asthey do so.
Or maybe in this situation itcould still be where two
stonewallers, where one person,does finally get to the point
(06:45):
where they address a conflict oraddress a situation, but it
just leads the other person toshut down and to be passive
aggressive and it then gets intothat cycle of the downward
spiral of passive aggressiveness.
Overall, stonewalling is when aperson mentally or physically
begins to shut off from theother person as a way of
(07:08):
fighting.
It's not because they're tryingto process the information
which is valid.
It is valid that there arepeople in relationships who need
time to process, who need timeto pull their thoughts together
before they can reply.
That's not a way of fighting.
It's them and just the way thatthey think.
But when people start to shutdown intentionally, as a way to
piss the other person off andthey know it's going to piss the
(07:31):
other person off and it's theway of them being passive,
aggressive that is stonewalling.
So what is the antidote tostonewalling?
How do you overcomestonewalling?
Here's what you do.
The first thing to do is tostop, to stop the conversation,
to stop the fight, if at allpossible.
This is going to take theperson who is the stonewaller to
have some courage, to have someaudacity and to actually step
(07:54):
forward and say you know what,right now I can't talk about
this.
It's too overwhelming.
I need some time.
I need time to process, I needtime to think, I need time to
cool down.
So we need to take a break andstep away from the conversation
with the goal of coming backtogether to finish the argument
or the disagreement in a moreconstructive way.
(08:15):
That's the best antidote thatthere is Stop the conversation,
which will stop you from doingthe stonewalling, and then
re-approach the conversation ata time where especially the
person who is stonewalling, butideally both partners, both
spouses, can non-emotionally, orat least less emotionally, come
back to the situation and havea productive conversation about
(08:37):
it.
Now, while my husband and I arenot necessarily stonewallers,
that doesn't mean that therehaven't been times in our
marriage where each of us havemaybe shut down for a period of
time as a way of stonewalling,and one of the things whether
we've stonewalled or not that Ihave found when it comes to when
my husband and I fight, one ofthe things that I have found is
(08:58):
it has always been a better ideato take the break and to come
back together, less emotionaland more level-headed, than
trying to just grind our teethand grit through the current
conversation.
When two people are stuck inthis cycle of using any of the
four horsemen in a disagreementor an argument, it's not going
(09:22):
to end well and the tendency isto want to just keep pushing
through, because you think wejust want to get this over with,
we want to get it done, we wantto get to a resolution sooner
than later, so let's just keepgoing.
And, honestly, some people maybe hesitant to disengage from a
disagreement anyway becausethey're thinking, if I disengage
, then the other person wins, ormaybe I won't get my way.
(09:44):
But if we can bring ourselvesto a level of higher maturity
and look at the situation andsay you know what, this isn't
productive right now.
And not only is it notproductive, but the way we're
chipping away at each otherthrough these four horsemen
behaviors is actually long-termdetrimental to our relationship.
So let's just go ahead, take apause, regroup, regather and
(10:05):
come back when we can look atthis from a much better lens and
a much better landscape.
That has always worked betterfor us and I believe it would
work better for you too.
There's a lot of people outthere who say, well, you
shouldn't go to bed.
Well, what is it?
Don't go to bed while you'restill angry.
You know what I'm talking about?
The saying that's out theredon't let the sun go down while
(10:26):
you're still angry.
That's it.
Sometimes you need a goodnight's sleep because you can
approach the situation and theconversation in a much better
way in the light of the next day, which is my encouragement to
you If you're struggling withtalking to your spouse and feel
like you're just disagreeing allof the time, or maybe that your
spouse has been stonewallingyou for a long time.
Maybe they're not talking to youright now and you just can't
(10:47):
get them to open up.
Then I encourage you to get ourultimate guide to getting your
spouse to talk to you how totalk to each other in a way that
is respectful, that is calm andthat is productive, without
losing your sanity and withoutlosing your marriage.
We call this smart contactbecause it's the system that we
teach inside of it, but reallyit's the ultimate guide to teach
(11:09):
you how to communicate betterinside of your marriage, even
when your spouse isn't talkingto you right now.
You can get that toolkit bygoing to marriagehelpercom.
Slash smart, because it is thesmart way to communicate with
each other.
We'd love to see you insidethat toolkit and help you have a
much better communicationpattern in your marriage than
you're having right now.
Until next week, remember,there is always hope.
There are four things that, if you do them when you
and your spouse are in themiddle of fighting, can actually
give a huge likelihood that youand your spouse may likely
divorce.
And in fact, if you stop doingthese four things in the middle
of fighting, then the chances ofdivorce decrease 80 to 90%,
which is incredible.
(00:20):
That's an incredible stat.
All of this was found in thework of Dr John Gottman out at
the Love Lab, the University ofWashington in Seattle, several
years ago, and these are fourhorsemen that have been around a
long time and maybe you've evenheard of them.
But in today's video I'm goingto be going a quick overview of
what the four horsemen are, butreally we're going to sit for a
(00:40):
minute on the one calledstonewalling.
We're going to talk about whatstonewalling is and what the
antidote to stonewalling can bein order to stop stonewalling
and actually do more productivethings in the middle of your
fighting and in the middle ofyour conversations.
Overall, the four horsemen areas follows the first of the four
horsemen, in no particularorder, is defensiveness.
(01:02):
Defensiveness, many of us canunderstand, is pretty much what
it sounds like when someone likemy husband if he were to come
to me and say you didn't takethe trash out today or something
like that, then if I respond bywell, you didn't do your part,
you didn't unload the dishwasheror I haven't taken the trash
(01:22):
out because I've been doing allof these other things around the
house that you never showappreciation for, that's
defensiveness and it's basicallysaying that I'm not the problem
, it's you.
The opposite of what TaylorSwift would say.
It's basically saying, hey, I'mdiverting blame because I don't
really want to takeresponsibility for my actions.
(01:42):
In this, defensivenesscontinues to spiral the
conversation downward.
You're likely never going toget out of a cycle of
defensiveness, because it justleads the other person to become
more defensive.
The second of the four horsemenis criticism, and in criticism,
it's when you begin to see theother person as the problem and
not just their actions.
So it's basically when youbegin to say what's wrong with
(02:08):
you.
It's when you turn a complaintand you make it very personal.
So a criticism, an example howI might be critical towards my
husband is if he didn't take thetrash out and instead of just
saying, hey, babe, would youmind getting the trash when you
get the chance, it would insteadbe me saying, rob, how do you
always forget to take the trashout?
What's wrong with you?
(02:29):
You do this all the time.
What's wrong with you?
I'm not just talking about thebehavior.
I'm now attacking his character.
I'm attacking him personally.
That's criticism.
The third of the four horsemenis contempt, and this one kind
of plays off of criticism.
It's taking criticism a stepdeeper, where it's not just you
looking at the other person andsaying what's wrong with you,
(02:52):
but it's looking at the otherperson and saying, not only is
there something wrong with you,but I'm better than you, you are
beneath me in some way.
It's taking the example of thetrash and saying hey, rob, why
didn't you take the trash out?
You never take the trash out.
You know what I knew?
You were good for nothing.
(03:12):
You're just lazy.
You just sit around all day.
How can I get anything donewhen I don't have someone in the
house to actually help me doanything?
I can't believe you.
This takes criticism severalsteps further, because I'm not
just attacking his character,but I'm actually putting him in
a place where I see myself asbeing superior to him.
(03:34):
I see myself as being betterthan him.
And the real problem with thatis I'm going to begin acting
like that and people who live incontemptuous marriages.
They suffer from decreasedimmune system.
They are more likely to be sickall of the time many other
terrible things, but that's notthe topic of today's video.
It's terrible, though Shouldn'tbe contemptuous.
(03:55):
Then the fourth of the fourhorsemen is stonewalling, and
stonewalling at its core isbasically what it sounds like
that the person who is doing thestonewalling is putting a wall
up and they're starting to shutthemselves off from what they're
hearing.
It would be like in thissituation the example I'll
(04:16):
continue using if I go to myhusband, rob, and I say why
didn't you take the trash out?
And he just begins to shut down.
He begins to maybe try andleave the room or escape the
conversation, maybe he justclamps down to where he won't
speak to me, no matter how muchI try to get him to.
And you see, there's two thingsthat are typical to happen in
(04:39):
this kind of situation.
I am not a stonewaller.
My husband actually isn'teither, but for this type of
conversation, let's say myhusband Rob was a stonewaller.
My husband actually isn'teither, but for this type of
conversation, let's say myhusband Rob was a stonewaller.
Then if I go to him and I'mtrying to get him to talk to me
about something.
I'm trying to get him todiscuss a situation or to talk
about an issue like not takingthe trash out, or whatever it
might be.
(04:59):
Then if he begins stonewalling,it's when he starts to shut
down.
It's going to lead me to justpress in further.
Why aren't you talking to me?
I need you to answer me.
I'm going to actually escalatein my conflict in order to try
and get him to talk to me, whichactually, as a stonewaller,
would just get him to shut downeven more.
(05:21):
Think of it like a box turtle.
So there's snapping turtles andthere's box turtles For this
example.
Snapping turtles, you try andfight them, they're going to
snap back.
They're going to fight back.
But a box turtle if you go upto it and you scare it, if you
try and fight them, they're justgoing to go into their shell
and they're going to sealthemselves off.
That's what stonewalling is.
(05:44):
But another way thatstonewalling could occur is if
two people are stonewallers.
So let's say I'm a stonewallerand my husband's a stonewaller.
Then if I get angry at him, Imay begin by bringing up an
issue or trying to addresssomething.
I probably tend to do itpassive, aggressively.
Maybe I actually don't sayanything about taking out the
(06:04):
trash, but I get the trash, Istart throwing the bag on the
ground really loudly, tying itshut, stomping through the
kitchen and through the house tothe back door to take it out,
slam the door shut behind mebecause I don't want to actually
address the problem with him,because I'm stonewalling but I
want him to hear that I'm angry,so I'm being passive aggressive
(06:24):
about it, and then he, asstonewalling back may then tend
to also continue to do passiveaggressive behaviors to where
both people are actuallyfighting but they are likely not
even talking to each other asthey do so.
Or maybe in this situation itcould still be where two
stonewallers, where one person,does finally get to the point
(06:45):
where they address a conflict oraddress a situation, but it
just leads the other person toshut down and to be passive
aggressive and it then gets intothat cycle of the downward
spiral of passive aggressiveness.
Overall, stonewalling is when aperson mentally or physically
begins to shut off from theother person as a way of
(07:08):
fighting.
It's not because they're tryingto process the information
which is valid.
It is valid that there arepeople in relationships who need
time to process, who need timeto pull their thoughts together
before they can reply.
That's not a way of fighting.
It's them and just the way thatthey think.
But when people start to shutdown intentionally, as a way to
piss the other person off andthey know it's going to piss the
(07:31):
other person off and it's theway of them being passive,
aggressive that is stonewalling.
So what is the antidote tostonewalling?
How do you overcomestonewalling?
Here's what you do.
The first thing to do is tostop, to stop the conversation,
to stop the fight, if at allpossible.
This is going to take theperson who is the stonewaller to
have some courage, to have someaudacity and to actually step
(07:54):
forward and say you know what,right now I can't talk about
this.
It's too overwhelming.
I need some time.
I need time to process, I needtime to think, I need time to
cool down.
So we need to take a break andstep away from the conversation
with the goal of coming backtogether to finish the argument
or the disagreement in a moreconstructive way.
(08:15):
That's the best antidote thatthere is Stop the conversation,
which will stop you from doingthe stonewalling, and then
re-approach the conversation ata time where especially the
person who is stonewalling, butideally both partners, both
spouses, can non-emotionally, orat least less emotionally, come
back to the situation and havea productive conversation about
(08:37):
it.
Now, while my husband and I arenot necessarily stonewallers,
that doesn't mean that therehaven't been times in our
marriage where each of us havemaybe shut down for a period of
time as a way of stonewalling,and one of the things whether
we've stonewalled or not that Ihave found when it comes to when
my husband and I fight, one ofthe things that I have found is
(08:58):
it has always been a better ideato take the break and to come
back together, less emotionaland more level-headed, than
trying to just grind our teethand grit through the current
conversation.
When two people are stuck inthis cycle of using any of the
four horsemen in a disagreementor an argument, it's not going
(09:22):
to end well and the tendency isto want to just keep pushing
through, because you think wejust want to get this over with,
we want to get it done, we wantto get to a resolution sooner
than later, so let's just keepgoing.
And, honestly, some people maybe hesitant to disengage from a
disagreement anyway becausethey're thinking, if I disengage
, then the other person wins, ormaybe I won't get my way.
(09:44):
But if we can bring ourselvesto a level of higher maturity
and look at the situation andsay you know what, this isn't
productive right now.
And not only is it notproductive, but the way we're
chipping away at each otherthrough these four horsemen
behaviors is actually long-termdetrimental to our relationship.
So let's just go ahead, take apause, regroup, regather and
(10:05):
come back when we can look atthis from a much better lens and
a much better landscape.
That has always worked betterfor us and I believe it would
work better for you too.
There's a lot of people outthere who say, well, you
shouldn't go to bed.
Well, what is it?
Don't go to bed while you'restill angry.
You know what I'm talking about?
The saying that's out theredon't let the sun go down while
(10:26):
you're still angry.
That's it.
Sometimes you need a goodnight's sleep because you can
approach the situation and theconversation in a much better
way in the light of the next day, which is my encouragement to
you If you're struggling withtalking to your spouse and feel
like you're just disagreeing allof the time, or maybe that your
spouse has been stonewallingyou for a long time.
Maybe they're not talking to youright now and you just can't
(10:47):
get them to open up.
Then I encourage you to get ourultimate guide to getting your
spouse to talk to you how totalk to each other in a way that
is respectful, that is calm andthat is productive, without
losing your sanity and withoutlosing your marriage.
We call this smart contactbecause it's the system that we
teach inside of it, but reallyit's the ultimate guide to teach
(11:09):
you how to communicate betterinside of your marriage, even
when your spouse isn't talkingto you right now.
You can get that toolkit bygoing to marriagehelpercom.
Slash smart, because it is thesmart way to communicate with
each other.
We'd love to see you insidethat toolkit and help you have a
much better communicationpattern in your marriage than
you're having right now.
Until next week, remember,there is always hope.
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