March 19, 2025 • 38 mins
Have you ever woken up to a day that feels utterly impossible? When insecurity, rejection, and the weight of expectations leave you wanting to pull the covers over your head and hide from the world? You're not alone.
In this deeply personal episode, we dive into the universal struggle with inadequacy and how to find solid ground when everything feels shaky.
Whether you're feeling inadequate, rejected, or overwhelmed by expectations, this episode offers both compassion and practical tools, including the I Deserve a Donut book and app, by Barb Raveling, to renew your mind. Join us in discovering that impossible days don't have to defeat us—they can become opportunities to experience God's strength in profound new ways.
Learn more about our Revelation Within Community: https://www.revelationwithin.org
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi and welcome to our podcast, Revelation Within On
the Go.
I'm Heidi Biles-Mapperson, oneof your hosts and the owner and
lead coach of theRevelationWithinorg ministry,
and I'm Christina Motley.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I'm your other host, also a Revelation Within coach
and Heidi's partner in allthings Revelation Within, and we
are so happy to invite you tojoin us for this episode of
Revelation Within On the phone.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Well, I am going through it these days.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yes, you are, yes, you are.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
I'm going through it and all my mind renewal wisdom
has been tossed aside.
I'm just reacting instead ofresponding, and I know better.
So I thought it might be reallygood to talk about a topic that
I think others might be able to.
You know we like to, and thatis insecurity, feeling rejected,
(01:14):
feeling condemned, trying tolive up to expectations, not
doing it and people pleasingpeople pleasing pleasing too.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
It's hard and, yeah, we can all relate.
There's not one person on thisplanet that can't relate to the
things that you just said theinsecurity and feeling rejected,
trying to live up toexpectations.
Over the years that Heidi and Ihave been friends, prayer
partners, co-workers, partnersin crime, but mostly friends and
(01:49):
prayer partners, best friendswe have named a certain kind of
day and we've talked about thisbefore but maybe you haven't
heard that podcast.
We named a certain kind of dayimpossible.
And it's like we wake up in themorning, we look what's ahead
in our day, we see what we notnecessarily have planned, but
(02:14):
what's in front of us, what'sbeen planned for us, and we get
back in bed and just put thecovers up, we'd like to get back
in bed, we'd like to say youknow I'm not doing this day,
I'll see you tomorrow, but it'sin front of us and we have to
move forward.
We have to get out of bed andand walk forward into the day.
(02:34):
And it feels impossible andHeidi and I will text each other
in the morning or even thenight before and just say I'm
facing an impossible day.
This day feels impossible, Ican't do it, I don't want to do
it, I'm not equipped for this, Idon't think that I have what I
(02:56):
need, I'm going to failmiserably all of those kinds of
statements.
And then we remind each otherwhat is true from God's
perspective.
So I'll give you an example.
I have so many I can't evenpick one.
No, I'll give you an example ofan impossible day for me.
(03:16):
So I was in a season for quite awhile when I was a school
teacher, which I absolutelyloved doing.
Loved it was not ready to quit,but my health caused me to quit
.
So I was a school teacher formany years and got up very, very
early in the morning, showed upto work, got things ready,
(03:38):
planned, did all kinds of groupsand teaching and wore all kinds
of hats all day long,completely depleted myself like
every ounce of energy that I had.
And then I came home andcrashed and burned and I know I
know when I look back on it thatI was really damaging my body
(04:00):
because my body was fightingchronic Lyme disease and three
co-infections to go with that,and here I was pushing so hard
every day but in my mind therewasn't really a choice.
It was my job, it was mypassion, it was my career and it
was also part of our familyincome and so I felt like I have
(04:22):
to keep going.
Also, my kids were in schoolwith me and then later, you know
, moved beyond that age level.
I was with the little ones atelementary school.
Anyway, I can remember hundredsand hundreds of days that I
would wake up in the morning.
I wasn't feeling well in mybody.
You know, physically my bodywas hurting and feeling sick.
(04:44):
And I woke up and I had thisincredibly challenging day in
front of me with meetings, andyou know staff meetings and
committees and teaching, and youknow recess duty and everything
else you can think of, and Ithought I can't do it.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
I remember those days .
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Oh my gosh, it was a horrible feeling, horrible,
horrible feeling.
Just to think I don't have it,I can't do it.
Should I call in sick?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
That's when we went to do 15 minutes.
Just do the next 15 minutes.
Yes, I know.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
And Heidi would pray for me and I would get her texts
at work and I would look atthem on my bathroom breaks and
things like that, and sheencouraged me to renew my mind
and tell myself what was true.
Those days seemed impossible,but with God, nothing is
impossible.
(05:41):
So there was a season when Ifelt called to stay there and do
that.
I felt like God was saying hangin there a little while longer
and then I'm going to findanother way.
And he did.
He did, he was faithful, hefound another way and I love,
love, love.
What I'm doing now, coachingand working with Heidi and
(06:02):
Revelation Within.
It's incredible.
I love it.
I love it.
But at the time he was callingme to those days Right, and he
was calling me in deeper intothat desperate dependence that
only comes when we are in direstraits and it feels impossible.
(06:24):
And so I remember at the timeremember this, heidi I made kind
of an agreement with the Lord,like I felt, like he was saying
let's agree to this, christina,because I would have these
horrible mornings where I wouldgo back and forth Should I call
in?
Should I write subplans?
Should I stay home?
What should I do?
Should I call in?
(06:45):
Should I write sub plans?
Should I stay home?
What should I do?
Oh my gosh, I remember that itdrove me nuts.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
I'm sure it did.
It was just-.
I love you.
But it was like but yesterdayyou said you were just going to
stay with it.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
I know it was awful.
It was like I was so conflicted, I was so insecure I was.
I was conflicted, Like I, justit was awful.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
You felt like you couldn't be enough or do enough,
or do it well enough, becauseyou were feeling so cruddy.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Yeah, and didn't have the energy.
And then those symptoms, thoseLyme symptoms, would come up at
school and I would be likelaying on the floor.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
On the floor, yeah, doing my breaks.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Oh my gosh, it was.
It was horrible.
Anyway, I made this agreementwith the Lord.
I felt like he was calling meto this get up in the morning,
get dressed, don't think aboutnot going, just go.
Yeah, just keep going.
You know, get yourself ready,put your school bag on your
shoulder and get yourself outthe door.
Of course, I was also gettingthe kids ready and dealing with
(07:47):
all their stuff too.
And then I felt like he wassaying once you get there, if
you cannot do the day, you cango home and they'll just have to
do it without you.
And really, out of hundreds ofthose days, I think there were
like maybe five, yeah, a handful, where I actually had to go
(08:07):
home.
It was hard, it was really hardand I felt like nobody
understood me.
You couldn't see it on me.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
No, Christina fakes it really well.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Well, but I was.
When I was with the kids, Iwent, went into my own little
world and then the kids would goout of the room and I'd go oh
my gosh, I feel so bad.
I wasn't faking it with them.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Right, no, I get it.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Yeah, oh man, that was so hard and God got me
through that time and intoanother season.
That was an incredibly hardseason.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, and my hard season is right now.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Right now, here it is .
We're right in the thick of it,right now, this minute.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yeah, Michael and I.
When we first got married in2019, he swept me off my feet
and took me to a desert islandcalled Catalina Island.
Look it up.
It is a destination of allkinds of tourists.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
And it's just a lovely, lovely place and we were
planted in a camp on the ocean.
The view from our littlebungalow was amazing, it was
dreamy.
And then the world closed downbecause of COVID and we got to
play and play and play.
We kayaked and hiked andMichael was yeah, anyway, he
(09:29):
didn't get paid for work, butthey continued to provide a home
for him and his wife there incamp.
It was amazing, it was amazing.
And after three years, we senseda call from God to come back to
the mainland, leave paradisebehind with all of its wonders
and mysteries.
(09:50):
And oh, I loved.
I love snorkeling and seeinghundreds and hundreds of fish
and a sea turtle in our cove.
I loved all of that.
But anyway, we sensed Godcalling us to come and help his
mom who was experiencing failinghealth.
Yeah, so we've been here forthe last three years helping
(10:10):
Marilyn with things that sheneeds help with and most
recently, within the last fewweeks, her health has had a big
downturn, rather sudden downturn, and I've seen her go from
somebody who's very outwardlyconfident to somebody who's
clearly afraid and lashing outat others to kind of cope with
(10:33):
it, and I happen to be a reallyconvenient target.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I'm the daughter-in-law.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
And so I recognize that I need to renew my mind.
It's gotten very intense.
I won't describe all of thealtercations and things that
have happened and catching hergossiping about me to friends
and family members.
I'm not even going to go therebecause I know that you know
what would it be like to be 82and have loved living outside
(11:03):
and being strong and healthy formost of those 82 years except
with some exceptions along theway and have it suddenly change
and you're feeling like youcan't get outside.
You're feeling like you can'tget your hands in the dirt and
garden like you love, and itwould be hard, it would be scary
, it would be.
It doesn't justify things thathave been done, but I know I
(11:29):
have a choice to make.
I am not.
I'm in this circumstance rightnow, and so God wants me to
adjust my thinking about thecircumstance.
One of the resources I use tohelp me get a different
perspective is by a friend ofmine, barb Robling, and you may
have heard of her before.
She has a wonderful book calledI Deserve a Donut and Other
(11:52):
Lies that Make you Eat, and it'salso an app, so you can find it
in the app store.
I believe it's free in the appstore and that's I mean that's a
great price right.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So, when I knew I needed to renew my mind today
about what's been going on herein my personal private life that
I'm now sharing with, just withme right.
I looked into the table ofcontents and this is I call this
a traveling companion Becausewhen I feel different emotions,
(12:29):
or when I'm believing lies thatmake me want to eat or, you know
, act out in any other way, youknow, I want to go towards a
counterfeit coping mechanism, orthis dissonance in my heart,
whatever's going on in me.
I mean I'm just miserable, andthat's really how I've been.
I mean I'm just miserable, um,and that's really how I've been.
I mean I, I'm here to love herWell, darn it, and she's not
(12:49):
recognizing that I'm here.
Oh, it's so hard.
Yeah, it is, and I feel kickedin the teeth and um, and then I,
I want to cry, of course, butthen, instead of crying, cause
it's so painful, I just get madcrying because it's so painful.
(13:12):
I just get mad.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Mad is easier than sad it is.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
It is the world isn't ready for this girl to be this
bad and Marilyn isn't.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
She deserves better than that, and so does Michael.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Anyway.
So I looked at the table ofcontents in this book.
If you've never heard of itbefore, it's basically divided
up into two sections.
Lies that make you want to eat,wink, wink.
And emotions that make you eat.
And I love the way this book isdone because you just flip.
It's like choose your ownadventure.
Right, it is, yes, I love thosebooks.
(13:42):
What do I feel right now?
Or what am I believing rightnow?
And you find it in the table ofcontents and you flip there.
So I recall that, oh yes, thisis my like third copy of this
book and it's in brand newcondition.
My other one is brand new.
It is yeah, the other ones aretattered and mine are all
tattered and torn and yeah.
(14:03):
Yeah, because I've used itthrough everything.
I use this book through anunwanted divorce.
I've used this book throughmoves.
I've used this book throughwhen somebody was fighting with
me about something, and it'salways the other person who's
fighting.
I'm not because I'm right,anyway.
So there's a big section in it,under emotions that make you
(14:25):
eat, called insecurity, and shestarts the section with
insecurity bible verses, andthen the sections are tell me if
you can relate to any of theseinsecurity feeling inadequate
bingo, bingo.
Insecurity feeling rejected orcondemned, bingo.
(14:46):
Insecurity living up toexpectations there it is, yes,
and I'm not doing it.
Insecurity, people pleasing yes, they're all fitting me right
now.
The last two are insecurity,self-condemnation and insecurity
social situations those not somuch, but the other four
categories, wow.
(15:06):
So I'm going to flip to theBible verses on insecurity first
, and we'll we'll just read afew of those and see what God
ministers to our heart aboutthrough the verses of scripture
that Barb Raveling has includedhere.
Do you want to read that firstone?
Sure.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Psalm 3.3,.
But you, O Lord, are a shieldabout me, my glory and the one
who lifts my head.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
And I love personalizing these as I go, and
so I would say you know, lord,you are my shield, you are my
protector, you are the one thatcan keep me from allowing these
things to damage me in ways thatI can't recover from.
You are my glory.
Not how much recognition I canget from the family members for
all the amazing things I'm doing, or whatever.
(15:57):
You are the one, you alone arethe one who can lift my head.
No amount of praise orrecognition or gratitude could
lift my head like you can, andyou can do that in the midst of
anything I'm doing.
So I thank you, lord, for that.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yes, yeah, that's truth.
That's perspective from God,which is amazing.
Yeah, it just flips everythingkind of around.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Yeah, okay, I'm going to go on to Psalm 91, verses
two to four.
I will say to the Lord and wecan personalize it saying Heidi
will say to the Lord I'm goingto do first person, my refuge
and my fortress, my God, in whomI trust, for it is he, it is
you, god, who delivers me fromthe snare of the trapper and
(16:48):
from the deadly pestilence.
You, lord, will cover me withyour opinions and under your
wings I will seek refuge.
Under your wings, lord.
Your faithfulness is there.
It is again my shield andbulwark.
Oh yes, lord, it's in the Lord,and he wants me to adjust my
(17:08):
perspective from looking forapproval from Marilyn to resting
in him and allowing him toshelter me.
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Yes, psalm 139,.
It's my favorite Psalm, so I'mgoing to grab this one, verses
13 to 15.
For you formed my inward parts.
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to you, forI am fearfully and wonderfully
made.
Wonderful are your works and mysoul knows it very well.
(17:39):
My frame was not hidden fromyou when I was made in secret
and skillfully wrought in thedepths of the earth.
So this is who I am.
This is who I am in Christ.
When I feel like I'm inadequate,when I feel like I'm unequipped
, when I feel like I'm failingat absolutely everything or
maybe it's just this one bigthing in my life I can look at
(18:02):
this and I can see.
How does God see me?
This is who I am in Christ, notso much who I am in the world,
and this is an eternalperspective.
You know, this is how God seesme.
He sees me as well.
He made me fearfully andwonderfully.
I love that, and really therest of Psalm 39 is also so
(18:26):
beautiful, just to help me to begrounded in who I am.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Him not in my circumstances, Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Right, I'm going to wrap up this section with 2
Corinthians 5.9.
Okay, and I'm going topersonalize it as I read it.
Therefore, I have as myambition, whether at home on
this earth or absent in thepresence of the Lord, to be
(18:56):
pleasing to him.
Yes, lord, I just want to turnthis into a prayer.
Lord, you are the one I want toplease, not my mother-in-law, I
mean.
Yes, it would be awesome if shecould just magically love
anything and everything I do forher.
That is not going to define me.
I want to please you.
You've called me to this.
(19:17):
I've said again and again thatI am called to love Marilyn.
Well, and I want to do that andrecognize that you are pleased
in my just even my smallestefforts to do that.
Thank you, god, for that.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Beautiful, beautiful.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Barb has a section in each of her chapters, or
whatever we want to call them,that offer tips.
Now, keep in mind that thepurpose of this book, and why we
want to call them that offertips Now keep in mind that the
purpose of this book, and whywe're sharing it with you right
now, even to a large degree, iswe want to not turn to
counterfeit comforts for what'sgoing on in our hearts and our
minds.
So we renew our mind.
(19:54):
So we have God's answer insteadof the answer we've been trying
out, or we're likely to try out, which is going to food, or
going to scrolling, or going toany kind of distraction from
what God's calling us to.
So her tips it's mostly foodrelated and you can, you know,
superimpose whatever it is thatyou might tend to gravitate
toward into these tips.
(20:16):
When you pray these scriptures,she says picture God doing the
things these verses talk aboutLike.
Picture him being a shield.
Picture him being a bulwark.
Imagine him reaching down tograb hold of your hand when
you've said something dumb I dothat every day or lifting you up
on a rock to protect you whenlife is difficult and it is for
(20:39):
many of us or smiling at you ashe flings out his arms and says
come here, you delightful child.
As you picture God in theseroles.
Barb says her prayer is thatyou'll feel treasured, cherished
and accepted by your father,who knows your every sin yet
still delights in you.
I love that we haven't evengotten started with the actual
(21:03):
core of activity which isamazing, I love it.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
What do you think?
Well, I just want to mention,heidi, about my experience with
this book and these Bible verses.
So when you and I startedcoaching almost exactly 11 years
ago, you introduced me to thisbook I Deserve a Donut and Other
Lives that Make you Eat and Iread through the whole thing,
(21:28):
which is not, you know, youdon't have to do that, but I
just decided to, and people dothat.
They read through it andthey're like huh what?
Well, I read through it, but Irealized it was definitely a
resource book.
It's a book that you can goback to a million times.
Yeah, you skip around in it.
You skip around, but I wanted,I wanted to like ingest the
whole thing first, and I didthat, and then I went through
(21:53):
the whole book.
I don't think I ever told youthis, heidi.
I went through the whole bookand I just read the tips.
Okay, there's a littleparagraph or two that are tips
after every single chapter.
So I did that and then I wentthrough and use the Bible verses
too, and this you know, theinsecurity Bible verses are on
(22:15):
page 87 through 89.
And my book falls open to that,because those are the ones that
I used the most, and this iswhat I did.
I mean, you can do this any wayyou want, but at the time every
morning, in the bathroom, when Iwas getting ready for the day,
I would prop this book up likein front of me on the sink, and
(22:40):
I would.
You know, my whole family wasasleep.
I was up super early and Iwould whisper through the
questions in these chapters, onechapter at a time.
Sometimes it took me two orthree days to do one chapter.
It didn't matter.
But what I was doing wascontinually renewing my mind and
even if I wasn't in thatsituation at the time, I was
(23:03):
getting ready to be right now,because at some time you're
going to be ready for that nextthing, you know, whatever it is.
And then there were other timeswhen I was feeling, you know,
like you, heidi, where you're ina situation right now.
I need the encouragement rightnow.
And so then you look up exactlywhat you need.
So it's a fabulous resource.
(23:25):
I would recommend it foreveryone and anyone.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Yeah, so I'm going to just make my way through one
set of questions and, in anideal world for me, I journal
these as prayers.
Basically, I imagine God isasking me the questions and if
it needs to be modified becauseit doesn't quite fit the
situation, okay, but I respond,and I did this before it ever
(23:54):
came out as a book.
Barb shared these questions onour website and I um journaled
through all of them over thecourse of months, I think but.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
And.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
I still like to do that.
That's my favorite way to dothat, but I'm not going to do
that right now, obviously, I'mjust going to pray out loud as I
go.
Uh, so I am doing insecurity,feeling inadequate.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Right, and the Lord's asking me it Okay, right.
And the Lord's asking me why doyou think you're inadequate,
heidi?
Oh Lord, I feel like everythingI do for my mother-in-law it's
never done well enough or it'snever done with enough thought
or care or concern to what shelikes.
From her perspective, it feelsas though it's thrown back at my
(24:36):
face, as though I am the mostselfish person on the planet.
Feels as though it's thrownback at my face as though I am
the most selfish person on theplanet.
When I thought I've gone out ofmy way to be really thoughtful
of her, like when she came homefrom the hospital, I chose to
hire somebody to clean up someof the mess that is left when
somebody is terribly sick, soshe could come back to a really
(24:57):
nice, well-cleaned environment,had the carpets cleaned and
everything, and all I felt fromher was it wasn't good enough.
It wasn't what she would havedone.
The second question is what doyou think you have to do, or
have to be, to be acceptable?
That is a really good question,lauren.
To Marilyn I probably won't beacceptable and that is something
(25:20):
that is in her.
Her son even told me not myhusband, but his brother told me
that mom is an alpha female.
There is nothing another womancan do in her home that is good
enough, and so I have to stopthinking that it's a reflection
of me.
So I guess the answer, lord, isI couldn't do anything to be
(25:42):
acceptable.
No, not really.
And your question to me is areyou capable of making that
happen right now?
No, I'm not capable of beingaccepted.
It's like, oh, a light bulbmoment again in my mind.
I can't do anything to beacceptable to Marilyn.
(26:02):
It makes me sad, but I know thatit's not about me, even though
it feels like it is Right.
Right, what do you look likewhen you see yourself through
the eyes of the world and or theeyes of your own expectations?
I know I have been doing thebest I can, maybe not with the
(26:23):
greatest heart and spirit oflove that I would like.
I wish I was more loving.
I wish I was more nurturing.
Lord, would you please make memore loving and more nurturing.
But I know that, given so manythings about my own life and
history, I've really gone aboveand beyond what I ever dreamed I
could do.
I feel like you've given me aheart to do that and I'm so
(26:45):
grateful that you have that.
You've put it in my heart tolove Marilyn well, and so really
, I think is and I've heard thisfrom people they've been very
kind to speak it to me,including Michael's brother that
there's nobody that could dowhat I'm doing.
I mean and I don't mean that ina prideful way, I mean that
number one I'm called and numbertwo I'm equipped by you, lord,
(27:08):
and really it's hard to do.
It is hard to do to be insomebody else's home and have
that sense of not doing it right.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
You were just asking God to help you to be more
loving to, to Marilyn.
It's a beautiful prayer for inthe moment because with your
relationship with her, yeah,it's really really tough in this
way.
But as a person, heidi, you areloving and you are nurturing.
As a person, and I've seen thatwith lots of people in your
(27:39):
life and I've seen it with memany thousands of times.
So, yes, in this situation,definitely ask for help, but
just know that it's not, itdoesn't define who you are,
heidi.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
That's a good point.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
It doesn't define who you are.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
That's true from God's perspective.
Thank you for speaking that.
And God asks me in questionnumber five is that how God sees
you?
I think that he is seeing me ashis beloved child.
I am his servant and I am doinga lot of things that he has
(28:18):
asked me to do in a very hardsituation, and I think he's
saying well done.
I think he's got to be sayingwell done.
Yeah, he knows how hard it is.
Yes.
Number six then says who areyou in God's eyes and how does
he feel about you?
And we started off with theBible verses.
Why don't you tell me theanswer to that, christina?
You have just now a little,quite a little bit.
(28:40):
But who am I in God's eyes?
How does he feel about me?
I?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
would love to tell you that, because I know this
answer.
I know it, heidi you are chosen, you are beloved, you are
cherished, you are washed clean,you are God's girl.
God couldn't be happier to loveon you, to provide for you, to
(29:04):
take care of you.
You are redeemed.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
You are a masterpiece , thank you.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I can go on, I can go on.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And listener.
Maybe you should rewind thepodcast to where Christina
started that and know that it'strue of you as well.
It is.
You know, I have to admit thatsince this latest leg of the
journey about two weeks ago,began, eating has been harder
for me to not go to.
I can tell that I am really nothandling things well.
(29:44):
I am going to a counterfeitcomfort, and not as much as
maybe in the past, but still I'mnot turning like I want to to
these truths that we're talkingabout, and this, to me, is what
God.
He loves it when we turn to himinstead of to counterfeits.
He knows it's best for us.
He's as best for me to turn tohim and as it is gratifying in
(30:09):
an instant as turning to foodmaybe not, but it's longer
lasting, it sticks with me.
It's like I'm working into theclay of my heart a truth, or
many truths, that they're notgoing to go anywhere.
They're still true today,tomorrow and forevermore.
And I love just how rewardingit is when I step out in faith
(30:33):
and say I am not going to go andbuy a dozen donuts and I
deserve a donut.
When I choose instead to sit athis feet and hear from him, I
have such a deep sense of it iswell with my soul.
It is well with my soul.
(30:54):
There's peace, even now there'speace and I haven't even
finished the question set.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
I know Well, and for those of you out there who you
know went to food last night orwhatever, and you know, and I
just want to say it makes sense,it's understandable, it's our
old go-to, it's our old defaultand guess what?
There is no condemnation inChrist.
So, yeah, we struggle sometimes, absolutely, it makes sense.
(31:23):
But, like you said, heidi,there is something that is so
much better.
It's so much better.
And the more we practice thatand the more we renew our minds
with what is true, the more thatwill become our default.
More and more We'll go to that.
We'll go to the Lord and histruth.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Right.
So number eight if the livingGod and I picture him saying
this to me if I, the living God,king of the universe, you are
acceptable, does anyone else,including you, have the right to
say you're unacceptable?
No, lord, nobody does, not,even my mother-in-law, my
(32:11):
mother-in-law.
I love that.
And then number nine is is mylove.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
He says enough to satisfy you, even if you're not
the person you want to be andyes it is, Lord it is, and these
moments of prayer and mindrenewal remind me of that.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
And then I love that she asks, I think in every
question set what can you thankGod for in this situation?
Would you help me right now,Christina, to thank God for
whatever we can.
You know, he doesn't say givethanks for all circumstances, he
says give thanks in allcircumstances.
(32:43):
I think that is a very graciousdifference.
Yeah it definitely is.
Lord I want to thank you forjust the opportunity to grow in
some really hard ways.
I know I need to grow.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
I'm so grateful that you have Blue there with you.
Blue is Heidi and Michael's big, huge husky dog and he's like a
big fluffy marshmallow and Ilove, love, love that.
He is a blessing he is therewith you during this time.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
And I love that Blue is really.
He's a ministering angel toMarilyn.
I don't mean that literallydon't send me hate mail, but
really blue is a big joy toMarilyn's heart and everything
else makes her grumpy.
Blue usually doesn't.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
As long as she doesn't come in the backyard and
see all the holes he's dug.
Anyway, what else can we thankGod for in this situation?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
I am so thankful that you have that beautiful little
cottage that Michael built foryou so you can have a detached
office to do your work and haveyour space.
What a gift that is.
That is an amazing gift duringthis time it is.
I'm so thankful.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
And I'm really grateful, lord, for just some of
the silly conversations thatMarilyn and I have that are
lighthearted, where she'sshowing me some ridiculous
things she's found on Facebookto laugh over, and those moments
mean a lot to me and I thankyou for that.
So, really, this is how I liketo use this resource.
(34:28):
I deserve a donut and otherlies that make you eat by Barb
Raveling.
And again, it's an app, freeapp or a book.
I think the book is probably 10bucks or something like that,
so she closes each littlechapter with subjects like
possible things you'll need toaccept.
Yes, and possible things you'llneed to confess.
(34:51):
So I feel like I don't want toskip those.
I'll just share with you whatshe says about possible things I
will need to accept and again Iturn this God is speaking this
to me, not literally, becausethis isn't written by God, but I
think he uses it.
Yes, Possible things that I'llneed to accept is that I will
never be as good as I want to beand that.
(35:12):
I can't hide my faults and sinsfrom others and that I can't
live life without messing up attimes.
Right, that is so true.
And if I can't live lifewithout messing up, I better
have a good strategy for lookand learn, like learning from my
mess ups and letting God teachme through them.
And then the other section ispossible things you'll need to
(35:32):
confess, caring more aboutbecoming a perfect person than
about loving God and others.
Well, yeah, I don't reallythink that affects me as much,
but I really want everybody elseto love me.
That's a little bit of aproblem.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
Well, you do have a lot of people who love you, so
that's not too big of a problem.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
Anyway, and also getting yourself to love and
accept others.
When my focus is on Marilyn inthis case and the lack of love
and acceptance I feel from her,I tend to get so self-absorbed
it's all about me and she hurtmy feelings and I can't do it
good enough, whereas if I'mfocusing on loving her well and
(36:16):
praying for her and encouragingher, it changes the whole thing
around.
It does.
And then the last thing it sayspossible things you'll need to
confess.
And then the last thing it says, possible things you'll need to
confess Spending so much timetrying to be acceptable in the
world's eyes that you don'tspend time with God.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Oh dear.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
I think I'm safe from that.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Yeah, I am so proud of you.
This has been a really, reallytough journey and it's not over
yet, and I am so proud of you.
Thank you, you're welcome.
(36:57):
We are so glad that you've beenhere today with us, as we've
been having this very importantdiscussion and hopefully,
something that we've talkedabout has resonated with your
heart as well.
Speaker 1 (37:04):
Get this book you Want.
I Deserve a Donut and OtherLies that Make you Eat.
By Barb Raveling.
It is really helpful.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
It's a small little thing too.
It's not overwhelming at all.
It's a little tiny book.
Anyway, we hope that you willjoin us next time for our next
Revelation Within On the go.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
Go, go, go, Go, go go .
See you next time.
Bye for now, bye-bye.
Hi and welcome to our podcast, Revelation Within On
the Go.
I'm Heidi Biles-Mapperson, oneof your hosts and the owner and
lead coach of theRevelationWithinorg ministry,
and I'm Christina Motley.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
I'm your other host, also a Revelation Within coach
and Heidi's partner in allthings Revelation Within, and we
are so happy to invite you tojoin us for this episode of
Revelation Within On the phone.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Well, I am going through it these days.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yes, you are, yes, you are.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
I'm going through it and all my mind renewal wisdom
has been tossed aside.
I'm just reacting instead ofresponding, and I know better.
So I thought it might be reallygood to talk about a topic that
I think others might be able to.
You know we like to, and thatis insecurity, feeling rejected,
(01:14):
feeling condemned, trying tolive up to expectations, not
doing it and people pleasingpeople pleasing pleasing too.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
It's hard and, yeah, we can all relate.
There's not one person on thisplanet that can't relate to the
things that you just said theinsecurity and feeling rejected,
trying to live up toexpectations.
Over the years that Heidi and Ihave been friends, prayer
partners, co-workers, partnersin crime, but mostly friends and
(01:49):
prayer partners, best friendswe have named a certain kind of
day and we've talked about thisbefore but maybe you haven't
heard that podcast.
We named a certain kind of dayimpossible.
And it's like we wake up in themorning, we look what's ahead
in our day, we see what we notnecessarily have planned, but
(02:14):
what's in front of us, what'sbeen planned for us, and we get
back in bed and just put thecovers up, we'd like to get back
in bed, we'd like to say youknow I'm not doing this day,
I'll see you tomorrow, but it'sin front of us and we have to
move forward.
We have to get out of bed andand walk forward into the day.
(02:34):
And it feels impossible andHeidi and I will text each other
in the morning or even thenight before and just say I'm
facing an impossible day.
This day feels impossible, Ican't do it, I don't want to do
it, I'm not equipped for this, Idon't think that I have what I
(02:56):
need, I'm going to failmiserably all of those kinds of
statements.
And then we remind each otherwhat is true from God's
perspective.
So I'll give you an example.
I have so many I can't evenpick one.
No, I'll give you an example ofan impossible day for me.
(03:16):
So I was in a season for quite awhile when I was a school
teacher, which I absolutelyloved doing.
Loved it was not ready to quit,but my health caused me to quit
.
So I was a school teacher formany years and got up very, very
early in the morning, showed upto work, got things ready,
(03:38):
planned, did all kinds of groupsand teaching and wore all kinds
of hats all day long,completely depleted myself like
every ounce of energy that I had.
And then I came home andcrashed and burned and I know I
know when I look back on it thatI was really damaging my body
(04:00):
because my body was fightingchronic Lyme disease and three
co-infections to go with that,and here I was pushing so hard
every day but in my mind therewasn't really a choice.
It was my job, it was mypassion, it was my career and it
was also part of our familyincome and so I felt like I have
(04:22):
to keep going.
Also, my kids were in schoolwith me and then later, you know
, moved beyond that age level.
I was with the little ones atelementary school.
Anyway, I can remember hundredsand hundreds of days that I
would wake up in the morning.
I wasn't feeling well in mybody.
You know, physically my bodywas hurting and feeling sick.
(04:44):
And I woke up and I had thisincredibly challenging day in
front of me with meetings, andyou know staff meetings and
committees and teaching, and youknow recess duty and everything
else you can think of, and Ithought I can't do it.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
I remember those days .
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Oh my gosh, it was a horrible feeling, horrible,
horrible feeling.
Just to think I don't have it,I can't do it.
Should I call in sick?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
That's when we went to do 15 minutes.
Just do the next 15 minutes.
Yes, I know.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
And Heidi would pray for me and I would get her texts
at work and I would look atthem on my bathroom breaks and
things like that, and sheencouraged me to renew my mind
and tell myself what was true.
Those days seemed impossible,but with God, nothing is
impossible.
(05:41):
So there was a season when Ifelt called to stay there and do
that.
I felt like God was saying hangin there a little while longer
and then I'm going to findanother way.
And he did.
He did, he was faithful, hefound another way and I love,
love, love.
What I'm doing now, coachingand working with Heidi and
(06:02):
Revelation Within.
It's incredible.
I love it.
I love it.
But at the time he was callingme to those days Right, and he
was calling me in deeper intothat desperate dependence that
only comes when we are in direstraits and it feels impossible.
(06:24):
And so I remember at the timeremember this, heidi I made kind
of an agreement with the Lord,like I felt, like he was saying
let's agree to this, christina,because I would have these
horrible mornings where I wouldgo back and forth Should I call
in?
Should I write subplans?
Should I stay home?
What should I do?
Should I call in?
(06:45):
Should I write sub plans?
Should I stay home?
What should I do?
Oh my gosh, I remember that itdrove me nuts.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
I'm sure it did.
It was just-.
I love you.
But it was like but yesterdayyou said you were just going to
stay with it.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
I know it was awful.
It was like I was so conflicted, I was so insecure I was.
I was conflicted, Like I, justit was awful.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
You felt like you couldn't be enough or do enough,
or do it well enough, becauseyou were feeling so cruddy.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Yeah, and didn't have the energy.
And then those symptoms, thoseLyme symptoms, would come up at
school and I would be likelaying on the floor.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
On the floor, yeah, doing my breaks.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Oh my gosh, it was.
It was horrible.
Anyway, I made this agreementwith the Lord.
I felt like he was calling meto this get up in the morning,
get dressed, don't think aboutnot going, just go.
Yeah, just keep going.
You know, get yourself ready,put your school bag on your
shoulder and get yourself outthe door.
Of course, I was also gettingthe kids ready and dealing with
(07:47):
all their stuff too.
And then I felt like he wassaying once you get there, if
you cannot do the day, you cango home and they'll just have to
do it without you.
And really, out of hundreds ofthose days, I think there were
like maybe five, yeah, a handful, where I actually had to go
(08:07):
home.
It was hard, it was really hardand I felt like nobody
understood me.
You couldn't see it on me.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
No, Christina fakes it really well.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Well, but I was.
When I was with the kids, Iwent, went into my own little
world and then the kids would goout of the room and I'd go oh
my gosh, I feel so bad.
I wasn't faking it with them.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Right, no, I get it.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Yeah, oh man, that was so hard and God got me
through that time and intoanother season.
That was an incredibly hardseason.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Yeah, and my hard season is right now.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Right now, here it is .
We're right in the thick of it,right now, this minute.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Yeah, Michael and I.
When we first got married in2019, he swept me off my feet
and took me to a desert islandcalled Catalina Island.
Look it up.
It is a destination of allkinds of tourists.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
And it's just a lovely, lovely place and we were
planted in a camp on the ocean.
The view from our littlebungalow was amazing, it was
dreamy.
And then the world closed downbecause of COVID and we got to
play and play and play.
We kayaked and hiked andMichael was yeah, anyway, he
(09:29):
didn't get paid for work, butthey continued to provide a home
for him and his wife there incamp.
It was amazing, it was amazing.
And after three years, we senseda call from God to come back to
the mainland, leave paradisebehind with all of its wonders
and mysteries.
(09:50):
And oh, I loved.
I love snorkeling and seeinghundreds and hundreds of fish
and a sea turtle in our cove.
I loved all of that.
But anyway, we sensed Godcalling us to come and help his
mom who was experiencing failinghealth.
Yeah, so we've been here forthe last three years helping
(10:10):
Marilyn with things that sheneeds help with and most
recently, within the last fewweeks, her health has had a big
downturn, rather sudden downturn, and I've seen her go from
somebody who's very outwardlyconfident to somebody who's
clearly afraid and lashing outat others to kind of cope with
(10:33):
it, and I happen to be a reallyconvenient target.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I'm the daughter-in-law.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
And so I recognize that I need to renew my mind.
It's gotten very intense.
I won't describe all of thealtercations and things that
have happened and catching hergossiping about me to friends
and family members.
I'm not even going to go therebecause I know that you know
what would it be like to be 82and have loved living outside
(11:03):
and being strong and healthy formost of those 82 years except
with some exceptions along theway and have it suddenly change
and you're feeling like youcan't get outside.
You're feeling like you can'tget your hands in the dirt and
garden like you love, and itwould be hard, it would be scary
, it would be.
It doesn't justify things thathave been done, but I know I
(11:29):
have a choice to make.
I am not.
I'm in this circumstance rightnow, and so God wants me to
adjust my thinking about thecircumstance.
One of the resources I use tohelp me get a different
perspective is by a friend ofmine, barb Robling, and you may
have heard of her before.
She has a wonderful book calledI Deserve a Donut and Other
(11:52):
Lies that Make you Eat, and it'salso an app, so you can find it
in the app store.
I believe it's free in the appstore and that's I mean that's a
great price right.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So, when I knew I needed to renew my mind today
about what's been going on herein my personal private life that
I'm now sharing with, just withme right.
I looked into the table ofcontents and this is I call this
a traveling companion Becausewhen I feel different emotions,
(12:29):
or when I'm believing lies thatmake me want to eat or, you know
, act out in any other way, youknow, I want to go towards a
counterfeit coping mechanism, orthis dissonance in my heart,
whatever's going on in me.
I mean I'm just miserable, andthat's really how I've been.
I mean I'm just miserable, um,and that's really how I've been.
I mean I, I'm here to love herWell, darn it, and she's not
(12:49):
recognizing that I'm here.
Oh, it's so hard.
Yeah, it is, and I feel kickedin the teeth and um, and then I,
I want to cry, of course, butthen, instead of crying, cause
it's so painful, I just get madcrying because it's so painful.
(13:12):
I just get mad.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Mad is easier than sad it is.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
It is the world isn't ready for this girl to be this
bad and Marilyn isn't.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
She deserves better than that, and so does Michael.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Anyway.
So I looked at the table ofcontents in this book.
If you've never heard of itbefore, it's basically divided
up into two sections.
Lies that make you want to eat,wink, wink.
And emotions that make you eat.
And I love the way this book isdone because you just flip.
It's like choose your ownadventure.
Right, it is, yes, I love thosebooks.
(13:42):
What do I feel right now?
Or what am I believing rightnow?
And you find it in the table ofcontents and you flip there.
So I recall that, oh yes, thisis my like third copy of this
book and it's in brand newcondition.
My other one is brand new.
It is yeah, the other ones aretattered and mine are all
tattered and torn and yeah.
(14:03):
Yeah, because I've used itthrough everything.
I use this book through anunwanted divorce.
I've used this book throughmoves.
I've used this book throughwhen somebody was fighting with
me about something, and it'salways the other person who's
fighting.
I'm not because I'm right,anyway.
So there's a big section in it,under emotions that make you
(14:25):
eat, called insecurity, and shestarts the section with
insecurity bible verses, andthen the sections are tell me if
you can relate to any of theseinsecurity feeling inadequate
bingo, bingo.
Insecurity feeling rejected orcondemned, bingo.
(14:46):
Insecurity living up toexpectations there it is, yes,
and I'm not doing it.
Insecurity, people pleasing yes, they're all fitting me right
now.
The last two are insecurity,self-condemnation and insecurity
social situations those not somuch, but the other four
categories, wow.
(15:06):
So I'm going to flip to theBible verses on insecurity first
, and we'll we'll just read afew of those and see what God
ministers to our heart aboutthrough the verses of scripture
that Barb Raveling has includedhere.
Do you want to read that firstone?
Sure.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Psalm 3.3,.
But you, O Lord, are a shieldabout me, my glory and the one
who lifts my head.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
And I love personalizing these as I go, and
so I would say you know, lord,you are my shield, you are my
protector, you are the one thatcan keep me from allowing these
things to damage me in ways thatI can't recover from.
You are my glory.
Not how much recognition I canget from the family members for
all the amazing things I'm doing, or whatever.
(15:57):
You are the one, you alone arethe one who can lift my head.
No amount of praise orrecognition or gratitude could
lift my head like you can, andyou can do that in the midst of
anything I'm doing.
So I thank you, lord, for that.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yes, yeah, that's truth.
That's perspective from God,which is amazing.
Yeah, it just flips everythingkind of around.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Yeah, okay, I'm going to go on to Psalm 91, verses
two to four.
I will say to the Lord and wecan personalize it saying Heidi
will say to the Lord I'm goingto do first person, my refuge
and my fortress, my God, in whomI trust, for it is he, it is
you, god, who delivers me fromthe snare of the trapper and
(16:48):
from the deadly pestilence.
You, lord, will cover me withyour opinions and under your
wings I will seek refuge.
Under your wings, lord.
Your faithfulness is there.
It is again my shield andbulwark.
Oh yes, lord, it's in the Lord,and he wants me to adjust my
(17:08):
perspective from looking forapproval from Marilyn to resting
in him and allowing him toshelter me.
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Yes, psalm 139,.
It's my favorite Psalm, so I'mgoing to grab this one, verses
13 to 15.
For you formed my inward parts.
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to you, forI am fearfully and wonderfully
made.
Wonderful are your works and mysoul knows it very well.
(17:39):
My frame was not hidden fromyou when I was made in secret
and skillfully wrought in thedepths of the earth.
So this is who I am.
This is who I am in Christ.
When I feel like I'm inadequate,when I feel like I'm unequipped
, when I feel like I'm failingat absolutely everything or
maybe it's just this one bigthing in my life I can look at
(18:02):
this and I can see.
How does God see me?
This is who I am in Christ, notso much who I am in the world,
and this is an eternalperspective.
You know, this is how God seesme.
He sees me as well.
He made me fearfully andwonderfully.
I love that, and really therest of Psalm 39 is also so
(18:26):
beautiful, just to help me to begrounded in who I am.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Him not in my circumstances, Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Right, I'm going to wrap up this section with 2
Corinthians 5.9.
Okay, and I'm going topersonalize it as I read it.
Therefore, I have as myambition, whether at home on
this earth or absent in thepresence of the Lord, to be
(18:56):
pleasing to him.
Yes, lord, I just want to turnthis into a prayer.
Lord, you are the one I want toplease, not my mother-in-law, I
mean.
Yes, it would be awesome if shecould just magically love
anything and everything I do forher.
That is not going to define me.
I want to please you.
You've called me to this.
(19:17):
I've said again and again thatI am called to love Marilyn.
Well, and I want to do that andrecognize that you are pleased
in my just even my smallestefforts to do that.
Thank you, god, for that.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Beautiful, beautiful.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Barb has a section in each of her chapters, or
whatever we want to call them,that offer tips.
Now, keep in mind that thepurpose of this book, and why we
want to call them that offertips Now keep in mind that the
purpose of this book, and whywe're sharing it with you right
now, even to a large degree, iswe want to not turn to
counterfeit comforts for what'sgoing on in our hearts and our
minds.
So we renew our mind.
(19:54):
So we have God's answer insteadof the answer we've been trying
out, or we're likely to try out, which is going to food, or
going to scrolling, or going toany kind of distraction from
what God's calling us to.
So her tips it's mostly foodrelated and you can, you know,
superimpose whatever it is thatyou might tend to gravitate
toward into these tips.
(20:16):
When you pray these scriptures,she says picture God doing the
things these verses talk aboutLike.
Picture him being a shield.
Picture him being a bulwark.
Imagine him reaching down tograb hold of your hand when
you've said something dumb I dothat every day or lifting you up
on a rock to protect you whenlife is difficult and it is for
(20:39):
many of us or smiling at you ashe flings out his arms and says
come here, you delightful child.
As you picture God in theseroles.
Barb says her prayer is thatyou'll feel treasured, cherished
and accepted by your father,who knows your every sin yet
still delights in you.
I love that we haven't evengotten started with the actual
(21:03):
core of activity which isamazing, I love it.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
What do you think?
Well, I just want to mention,heidi, about my experience with
this book and these Bible verses.
So when you and I startedcoaching almost exactly 11 years
ago, you introduced me to thisbook I Deserve a Donut and Other
Lives that Make you Eat and Iread through the whole thing,
(21:28):
which is not, you know, youdon't have to do that, but I
just decided to, and people dothat.
They read through it andthey're like huh what?
Well, I read through it, but Irealized it was definitely a
resource book.
It's a book that you can goback to a million times.
Yeah, you skip around in it.
You skip around, but I wanted,I wanted to like ingest the
whole thing first, and I didthat, and then I went through
(21:53):
the whole book.
I don't think I ever told youthis, heidi.
I went through the whole bookand I just read the tips.
Okay, there's a littleparagraph or two that are tips
after every single chapter.
So I did that and then I wentthrough and use the Bible verses
too, and this you know, theinsecurity Bible verses are on
(22:15):
page 87 through 89.
And my book falls open to that,because those are the ones that
I used the most, and this iswhat I did.
I mean, you can do this any wayyou want, but at the time every
morning, in the bathroom, when Iwas getting ready for the day,
I would prop this book up likein front of me on the sink, and
(22:40):
I would.
You know, my whole family wasasleep.
I was up super early and Iwould whisper through the
questions in these chapters, onechapter at a time.
Sometimes it took me two orthree days to do one chapter.
It didn't matter.
But what I was doing wascontinually renewing my mind and
even if I wasn't in thatsituation at the time, I was
(23:03):
getting ready to be right now,because at some time you're
going to be ready for that nextthing, you know, whatever it is.
And then there were other timeswhen I was feeling, you know,
like you, heidi, where you're ina situation right now.
I need the encouragement rightnow.
And so then you look up exactlywhat you need.
So it's a fabulous resource.
(23:25):
I would recommend it foreveryone and anyone.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Yeah, so I'm going to just make my way through one
set of questions and, in anideal world for me, I journal
these as prayers.
Basically, I imagine God isasking me the questions and if
it needs to be modified becauseit doesn't quite fit the
situation, okay, but I respond,and I did this before it ever
(23:54):
came out as a book.
Barb shared these questions onour website and I um journaled
through all of them over thecourse of months, I think but.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
And.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
I still like to do that.
That's my favorite way to dothat, but I'm not going to do
that right now, obviously, I'mjust going to pray out loud as I
go.
Uh, so I am doing insecurity,feeling inadequate.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Right, and the Lord's asking me it Okay, right.
And the Lord's asking me why doyou think you're inadequate,
heidi?
Oh Lord, I feel like everythingI do for my mother-in-law it's
never done well enough or it'snever done with enough thought
or care or concern to what shelikes.
From her perspective, it feelsas though it's thrown back at my
(24:36):
face, as though I am the mostselfish person on the planet.
Feels as though it's thrownback at my face as though I am
the most selfish person on theplanet.
When I thought I've gone out ofmy way to be really thoughtful
of her, like when she came homefrom the hospital, I chose to
hire somebody to clean up someof the mess that is left when
somebody is terribly sick, soshe could come back to a really
(24:57):
nice, well-cleaned environment,had the carpets cleaned and
everything, and all I felt fromher was it wasn't good enough.
It wasn't what she would havedone.
The second question is what doyou think you have to do, or
have to be, to be acceptable?
That is a really good question,lauren.
To Marilyn I probably won't beacceptable and that is something
(25:20):
that is in her.
Her son even told me not myhusband, but his brother told me
that mom is an alpha female.
There is nothing another womancan do in her home that is good
enough, and so I have to stopthinking that it's a reflection
of me.
So I guess the answer, lord, isI couldn't do anything to be
(25:42):
acceptable.
No, not really.
And your question to me is areyou capable of making that
happen right now?
No, I'm not capable of beingaccepted.
It's like, oh, a light bulbmoment again in my mind.
I can't do anything to beacceptable to Marilyn.
(26:02):
It makes me sad, but I know thatit's not about me, even though
it feels like it is Right.
Right, what do you look likewhen you see yourself through
the eyes of the world and or theeyes of your own expectations?
I know I have been doing thebest I can, maybe not with the
(26:23):
greatest heart and spirit oflove that I would like.
I wish I was more loving.
I wish I was more nurturing.
Lord, would you please make memore loving and more nurturing.
But I know that, given so manythings about my own life and
history, I've really gone aboveand beyond what I ever dreamed I
could do.
I feel like you've given me aheart to do that and I'm so
(26:45):
grateful that you have that.
You've put it in my heart tolove Marilyn well, and so really
, I think is and I've heard thisfrom people they've been very
kind to speak it to me,including Michael's brother that
there's nobody that could dowhat I'm doing.
I mean and I don't mean that ina prideful way, I mean that
number one I'm called and numbertwo I'm equipped by you, lord,
(27:08):
and really it's hard to do.
It is hard to do to be insomebody else's home and have
that sense of not doing it right.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
You were just asking God to help you to be more
loving to, to Marilyn.
It's a beautiful prayer for inthe moment because with your
relationship with her, yeah,it's really really tough in this
way.
But as a person, heidi, you areloving and you are nurturing.
As a person, and I've seen thatwith lots of people in your
(27:39):
life and I've seen it with memany thousands of times.
So, yes, in this situation,definitely ask for help, but
just know that it's not, itdoesn't define who you are,
heidi.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
That's a good point.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
It doesn't define who you are.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
That's true from God's perspective.
Thank you for speaking that.
And God asks me in questionnumber five is that how God sees
you?
I think that he is seeing me ashis beloved child.
I am his servant and I am doinga lot of things that he has
(28:18):
asked me to do in a very hardsituation, and I think he's
saying well done.
I think he's got to be sayingwell done.
Yeah, he knows how hard it is.
Yes.
Number six then says who areyou in God's eyes and how does
he feel about you?
And we started off with theBible verses.
Why don't you tell me theanswer to that, christina?
You have just now a little,quite a little bit.
(28:40):
But who am I in God's eyes?
How does he feel about me?
I?
Speaker 2 (28:43):
would love to tell you that, because I know this
answer.
I know it, heidi you are chosen, you are beloved, you are
cherished, you are washed clean,you are God's girl.
God couldn't be happier to loveon you, to provide for you, to
(29:04):
take care of you.
You are redeemed.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
You are a masterpiece , thank you.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I can go on, I can go on.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And listener.
Maybe you should rewind thepodcast to where Christina
started that and know that it'strue of you as well.
It is.
You know, I have to admit thatsince this latest leg of the
journey about two weeks ago,began, eating has been harder
for me to not go to.
I can tell that I am really nothandling things well.
(29:44):
I am going to a counterfeitcomfort, and not as much as
maybe in the past, but still I'mnot turning like I want to to
these truths that we're talkingabout, and this, to me, is what
God.
He loves it when we turn to himinstead of to counterfeits.
He knows it's best for us.
He's as best for me to turn tohim and as it is gratifying in
(30:09):
an instant as turning to foodmaybe not, but it's longer
lasting, it sticks with me.
It's like I'm working into theclay of my heart a truth, or
many truths, that they're notgoing to go anywhere.
They're still true today,tomorrow and forevermore.
And I love just how rewardingit is when I step out in faith
(30:33):
and say I am not going to go andbuy a dozen donuts and I
deserve a donut.
When I choose instead to sit athis feet and hear from him, I
have such a deep sense of it iswell with my soul.
It is well with my soul.
(30:54):
There's peace, even now there'speace and I haven't even
finished the question set.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
I know Well, and for those of you out there who you
know went to food last night orwhatever, and you know, and I
just want to say it makes sense,it's understandable, it's our
old go-to, it's our old defaultand guess what?
There is no condemnation inChrist.
So, yeah, we struggle sometimes, absolutely, it makes sense.
(31:23):
But, like you said, heidi,there is something that is so
much better.
It's so much better.
And the more we practice thatand the more we renew our minds
with what is true, the more thatwill become our default.
More and more We'll go to that.
We'll go to the Lord and histruth.
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Right.
So number eight if the livingGod and I picture him saying
this to me if I, the living God,king of the universe, you are
acceptable, does anyone else,including you, have the right to
say you're unacceptable?
No, lord, nobody does, not,even my mother-in-law, my
(32:11):
mother-in-law.
I love that.
And then number nine is is mylove.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
He says enough to satisfy you, even if you're not
the person you want to be andyes it is, Lord it is, and these
moments of prayer and mindrenewal remind me of that.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
And then I love that she asks, I think in every
question set what can you thankGod for in this situation?
Would you help me right now,Christina, to thank God for
whatever we can.
You know, he doesn't say givethanks for all circumstances, he
says give thanks in allcircumstances.
(32:43):
I think that is a very graciousdifference.
Yeah it definitely is.
Lord I want to thank you forjust the opportunity to grow in
some really hard ways.
I know I need to grow.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
I'm so grateful that you have Blue there with you.
Blue is Heidi and Michael's big, huge husky dog and he's like a
big fluffy marshmallow and Ilove, love, love that.
He is a blessing he is therewith you during this time.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
And I love that Blue is really.
He's a ministering angel toMarilyn.
I don't mean that literallydon't send me hate mail, but
really blue is a big joy toMarilyn's heart and everything
else makes her grumpy.
Blue usually doesn't.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
As long as she doesn't come in the backyard and
see all the holes he's dug.
Anyway, what else can we thankGod for in this situation?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
I am so thankful that you have that beautiful little
cottage that Michael built foryou so you can have a detached
office to do your work and haveyour space.
What a gift that is.
That is an amazing gift duringthis time it is.
I'm so thankful.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
And I'm really grateful, lord, for just some of
the silly conversations thatMarilyn and I have that are
lighthearted, where she'sshowing me some ridiculous
things she's found on Facebookto laugh over, and those moments
mean a lot to me and I thankyou for that.
So, really, this is how I liketo use this resource.
(34:28):
I deserve a donut and otherlies that make you eat by Barb
Raveling.
And again, it's an app, freeapp or a book.
I think the book is probably 10bucks or something like that,
so she closes each littlechapter with subjects like
possible things you'll need toaccept.
Yes, and possible things you'llneed to confess.
(34:51):
So I feel like I don't want toskip those.
I'll just share with you whatshe says about possible things I
will need to accept and again Iturn this God is speaking this
to me, not literally, becausethis isn't written by God, but I
think he uses it.
Yes, Possible things that I'llneed to accept is that I will
never be as good as I want to beand that.
(35:12):
I can't hide my faults and sinsfrom others and that I can't
live life without messing up attimes.
Right, that is so true.
And if I can't live lifewithout messing up, I better
have a good strategy for lookand learn, like learning from my
mess ups and letting God teachme through them.
And then the other section ispossible things you'll need to
(35:32):
confess, caring more aboutbecoming a perfect person than
about loving God and others.
Well, yeah, I don't reallythink that affects me as much,
but I really want everybody elseto love me.
That's a little bit of aproblem.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
Well, you do have a lot of people who love you, so
that's not too big of a problem.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
Anyway, and also getting yourself to love and
accept others.
When my focus is on Marilyn inthis case and the lack of love
and acceptance I feel from her,I tend to get so self-absorbed
it's all about me and she hurtmy feelings and I can't do it
good enough, whereas if I'mfocusing on loving her well and
(36:16):
praying for her and encouragingher, it changes the whole thing
around.
It does.
And then the last thing it sayspossible things you'll need to
confess.
And then the last thing it says, possible things you'll need to
confess Spending so much timetrying to be acceptable in the
world's eyes that you don'tspend time with God.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Oh dear.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
I think I'm safe from that.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Yeah, I am so proud of you.
This has been a really, reallytough journey and it's not over
yet, and I am so proud of you.
Thank you, you're welcome.
(36:57):
We are so glad that you've beenhere today with us, as we've
been having this very importantdiscussion and hopefully,
something that we've talkedabout has resonated with your
heart as well.
Speaker 1 (37:04):
Get this book you Want.
I Deserve a Donut and OtherLies that Make you Eat.
By Barb Raveling.
It is really helpful.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
It's a small little thing too.
It's not overwhelming at all.
It's a little tiny book.
Anyway, we hope that you willjoin us next time for our next
Revelation Within On the go.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
Go, go, go, Go, go go .
See you next time.
Bye for now, bye-bye.
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