Part One Of Two - The Superintendents Graduation Speech (Kids Enthusiasm Level 3)

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Ever sat through a graduation ceremony wondering what would happen if the person at the podium actually spoke their unfiltered truth? DJ ESG delivers exactly that in this laugh-out-loud episode of Rock Bottom Podcast, where we're treated to the graduation speech you'll never hear – but desperately wish you could.

The fictional superintendent doesn't just break the fourth wall – they demolish it completely, addressing "esteemed parents wondering where that tuition money went" and students who are "future leaders who will undoubtedly blame their student loan debt on us." What follows is a brutally honest takedown of educational bureaucracy that will have you nodding in recognition while crying with laughter.

From the Excel-obsessed administrator who holds 90-minute meetings about colored hall passes to the school board that approves heated toilet seats for the stadium while refusing to fix the leaky library roof ("who needs dry books when we've got a Jumbotron?"), no educational sacred cow is left ungrilled. The superintendent even admits to "desperately clinging to any semblance of authority" and sending emails that immediately land in spam folders.

But beneath the satire lies surprising wisdom. When the superintendent tells graduates that "life is like a poorly organized potluck" and advises them to "be bold, be brave, be employable," it hits harder than a thousand inspirational quotes. This episode isn't just funny – it's the cathartic release every former student needs. Listen now, share with your graduation-bound friends, and remember: in the words of our fictional superintendent, your permanent record was "about as real as my chances of winning the lottery."

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Peace, Love & God Above! :-)

Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 (00:00):
What's up, guys?
Dj ESG and this is the RockBottom Podcast.
And let me tell you somethingtoday I have the good, the bad
and the absolute ugly.
We're going to do two versionsof the same speech, because I
know graduation's coming up andI know all the kids are like, oh
, I gotta sit through this shit.
So, guess what?
You're going to hear thesuperintendent's version of grad

(00:21):
speech and then you're going tohear ESG's version of grad
speech, and you tell me whichone you'd rather sit through.
All my flowers and friends, allright.
So here you go with thesuperintendent's grad speech for
the class of 2025.
Good evening, esteemed parents,who are probably wondering where
all that tuition money actuallywent.
Students, the future leaders,who will undoubtedly blame their

(00:44):
student loan debt on us.
Teachers, the unsung heroes whodeserve hazard pay.
Overpaid consultants who toldus the best way to improve test
scores was to buy more expensivepencils Spoiler alert, it
didn't work.
And underpaid cafeteria staffwho somehow managed to make the
mystery meat palatable.
And, of course, theever-baffling Council Rock
school board who, I hear, arenow locked in a fierce debate

(01:04):
about whether the new flagpoleshould be Chrome or wait for it.
Brushed Chrome, groundbreakingstuff, truly.
Let's also give a lukewarm,golf-clap-worthy round of
applause to our Director ofSecondary Education, al the man,
the myth, the Microsoft Excelevangelist.
I swear, if Al sends me onemore spreadsheet with 47 tabs

(01:25):
each meticulously detailing theoptimal font size for
inter-office memos and a cellthat just says refer to chart
pie, I'm not just yeeting myChromebook into the Schuylkill,
I'm going full Viking longboardon that river.
Al's job is basically to suckthe joy out of anything remotely
resembling fun in school andthen make you sit through a
PowerPoint presentation withsoothing stock photos of people
smiling in business attire aboutwhy that joylessness is

(01:46):
actually peak performance.
Here's the human version ofdial-up internet.
He'd be Toby from the Office,except Toby has hobbies Like uh
well, he existed.
Al's hobby is probablyalphabetizing his collection of
staplers.
He once held a 90-minutemeeting about the existential
implications of differentcolored hall passes, a full hour
and a half about laminatedrectangles and the deep
philosophical question ofwhether blue signifies more
urgency than green.

(02:07):
I left that meeting with amigraine, a newfound
appreciation for solitaryconfinement and PTSD paper-thin
stress disorder.
But uh, I digress becauseapparently that's what
superintendents do.
Tonight is supposedly about thegraduates, the class of 2025.
You survived pandemics, tiktoktrends that age like milk in the
sauna and five years of hearingthis will go on your permanent

(02:27):
record which, let's be real, isabout as real as my chances of
winning the lottery.
It's a comfortable lie.
We tell you like kale tastesgood or al understands teenagers
.
Let's talk school board for ahot minute.
Our fearless leaders, the samefolks who greenlit a four
hundred thousand dollar stadiumrenovation that included heated
toilet seats for the visitingteam because hospitality
apparently matters, but saidAffirm, absolutely not to fixing

(02:48):
a leaky roof in the librarybecause who needs dry books when
we've got Jumbotron?
Instant replay of thatquestionable call from the third
quarter Priorities people.
They're practically Olympiclevel at setting them.
They also enthusiasticallyapproved hiring a motivational
speaker who, for the pricey sumof $8,000, told us Dream it,
believe it, achieve it.
Who, for the pricey sum of$8,000, told us I could have
just watched a cat videocompilation and felt more
inspired.
Maybe next year we'll just hirea mime for half the price.

(03:09):
Same message, less noise.
And now here I stand, yourhumble, slightly unhinged,
definitely over-caffeinatedsuperintendent.
I got this job because I peakedin high school and have been
desperately clinging to anysemblance of authority ever
since.
I send weekly emails that areimmediately regulated to the
spam folder.
I throw around buzzwords likeparadigm shift, hoping no one
will ask me what they actuallymean, and I once tried to
connect with students by dabbing.
It did not go well.

(03:30):
I am, at this exact moment,running on fumes, the faint
memory of a good night's sleepand the increasingly vivid
fantasy of faking my own deathand moving to a remote island
that doesn't have Wi-Fi orschool board meetings.
Let's briefly reflect on mytenure.
I once I hired Al.
I will carry this burden forthe rest of my days.
It's not just my bed, it's myprofessional version of the

(03:52):
seventh circle of hell.
I introduced the district visionplan 2030, which, after months
of painstaking work, wasessentially a PowerPoint slide
that said let's try not to screwthings up too badly.
I am not a role model.
I'm more of a cautionary talewrapped in a poorly tailored
suit.
Yeah, I've seen that suit, butlook at you all shiny and new.
You've mastered the art of thestrategic cough during

(04:13):
presentations to avoid beingcalled on, perfected the blank
stare that says I'm listeningbut absorbing absolutely nothing
, and become experts at groupchats that somehow manage to be
both completely chaotic andutterly pointless.
Bravo, you're more than readyfor the real world, where nobody
cares about your GPA, but theywill judge you harshly for using
Comic Sans in an email.
Graduates, life is like a poorlyorganized potluck.

(04:33):
Some people bring gourmetdishes, some bring a bag of
chips and most just show upempty-handed expecting to eat
everything.
Figure out which one you wantto be, but, for the love of all
that's holy, don't be the onewho brings a fruitcake.
Now go, get out there, be bold,be brave, be employable.
That's the real goal, isn't it?
And as you gracefully stumbleacross this stage clutching your
diplomas like they're goldentickets out of this town,
remember, al will still be herelurking, plotting the next

(04:58):
mandatory professionaldevelopment session on the
proper way to sharpen a pencil.
Give me the loudest, proudest,most desperate standing ovation,
not because I deserve it Ireally, really, really.
I just don't but because yousuccessfully navigated the
bureaucratic labyrinth ofCouncil Rock for the last four
years.
You deserve a medal, or atleast a nap.
And with that I only have onething left to say Al, you're on
cleanup duty.
I'm Andy Peace.
This has been the Rock BottomPodcast.
Peace, love and God above.
I'm ESG and I'm out.
No-transcript.

(05:36):
Peace, love and God above andI'm out.
Bye-bye.