January 24, 2024 • 28 mins
Our wanting is essential and important. Women feel shame around wanting because we’ve been taught to not want things. “Don't be needy or selfish.” How many times have you heard or felt this? Do you choose not to hope or strive for your heart's desires because it's easier to not want than to be disappointed? Wanting is opening up to your curiosity on your path to self-discovery. You can want impossible things. You can have a big beautiful full thriving life doing what you want to do. I want you to love who you are; to have the experience of love and being in awe of ourselves is what I want for all of us. Can’t wait for you to listen.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You are listening to the ex goodgirl podcast episode number 51.
Hey, before we jump in, I justwanted to ask you to take a
minute and make sure that youare following the show.
A recent podcast update throughApple or Apple update.
I'm actually not sure whichkicked a bunch of people off the
(00:23):
shows that they're following.
And if you would just take asecond to make sure you are
following the show, that wouldbe fantastic.
Also, if you haven't had achance yet to leave some
feedback, I would appreciate itso much.
If this podcast has been helpfulto you, if it's been something
that you've recommended tofriends, if you would just take
a second and do that, I I'd bereally grateful.
Thank you.
(00:44):
All right, I want to talk aboutthree recent events that have
brought the topic of wantingback to center stage in my
brain.
It's never really far from, uh,the stage in my brain because
it's something I'm paying a lotof attention to, uh, last year
and this year, but three thingshappened that really kind of
(01:05):
brought it up again and showedme kind of a different
dimension, um, of myself and myown wanting and.
Maybe it'll tell you a littlebit about yours because that's
the whole point, right?
So wanting what we are allowedto want, how we get what we want
(01:30):
is always something that I havenoticed in myself and other
women.
Well, not always, but recently,uh, in the last maybe 18 months
to two years.
And so I read the book on ourbest behavior by Elise Lunen.
Go read it immediately.
It is about how women's behavioris shaped and controlled by the
seven deadly sins pride.
(01:52):
Greed, lust or vanity, gluttony,sloth, wrath, and envy.
So that was the first thing thathappened.
The second thing, inside mygroup coaching program, which is
called Stop People Pleasing, wejust had our Wanting Week, where
we discuss Reconnecting to ourwanting how to let ourselves
(02:12):
want what we're allowed to want,how we get it, all of the, the,
the messaging and programmingthat women get around wanting.
And then how do we know and getwhat we want?
And then third, I had dinnerwith an old friend who is doing
some big, amazing things in theworld.
(02:33):
And I noticed my internalreaction to her.
Now, as a frame of reference, Ihave 2 protective mechanisms
that come up whenever I wantsomething, or when I see women
doing big things.
(02:55):
And sometimes in the past, I'vefelt some, uh, some shame and
kind of disappointment in myselffor having these protective
mechanisms, but I don't anymore.
And so I share them.
Maybe you have something similarbecause there's a, there's a
really good reason we try toprotect ourselves from wanting
(03:15):
things.
So the 1st.
Protective mechanism that comesup for me is when I see a woman
doing big things, taking upspace on stage, sharing her work
with the world.
I have an internal voice thatsays, sit down.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Yeah.
We know you're a big deal.
Sit down.
(03:36):
And I begin to judge orcriticize Aspects of what she is
doing.
And a lot of it sounds just likethe voice of patriarchy.
Why is she wearing that?
Does she know her hair lookslike that?
It comes out really justautomatically.
And like I said, in the past, Ifelt some shame, but now I just
know it's part of the way thatI've been programmed to think
(04:00):
about not only other women doingbig things and taking up space,
but me doing big things andtaking up space.
The second thing that I'vebecome aware of more recently is
kind of this famed sufficiencyor disinterest.
I will pretend like I don'treally want something and it
(04:25):
comes from not wanting to be sador hurt if I don't get it.
If one of my expectations isn'tmet, that's okay.
I didn't really want it that badanyway, or if someone
disappoints me with something,that's okay.
I didn't really care that muchabout it anyway, or if a person
leaves my life, that's okay.
I wasn't really that attached tothem anyway.
(04:46):
And so that's the way that Ikeep myself insulated from pain
and disappointment.
And it also keeps me fromsharing too much of myself,
which would feel overlyvulnerable or overly exposed.
And then if they left or theydidn't agree with me, then I
would feel terrible.
So I just pretend like I don'tcare about it that much.
(05:10):
So I've been in conversationwith those parts of me, trying
to learn from and listen to themso that they can not only teach
me, but so that I can kind ofcomfort and be with them.
That is kind of the context forthis first thing I want to tell
you about, which is the dinnerwith my friend.
(05:32):
Her name is Kira Brinton.
She is a book publisher and abook medium.
You should go follow herimmediately.
She is amazing and we've beenfriends for quite some time.
She was in town.
We went to dinner and I'vealways loved her.
We got to know each other whenwe were both Mormon women, um,
(05:54):
attending church on Sundays.
We were working together inassignments.
And since then, we've bothstepped into coaching in
different spaces in differentways.
But as I have watched her grow,I've always been envious of how
joyfully expressive,unapologetic she is about the
(06:14):
way she works.
And moves in the world, there'salways been something about her
that has struck that enviousnessin me.
And I've noticed it in the past,but as I sat with it at dinner,
as she was talking about thething, she's been doing the
project she's working on.
And I was just seeing her in allof her wonder and excitement and
(06:35):
belief.
And I was just having thislittle out of body experience
where I was listening to her,but also noticing that envy that
came up about how freely sheexpressed herself, how
unapologetic she was.
And how unafraid she was to talkabout wanting really, really big
(06:57):
and in my mind, impossiblesounding things.
So I'm listening to her and I'mfeeling the envy rise in my
body, envy for how easily she'sjust able to say what she wants,
envy about how big the thingsare and how they'll propel her
into being seen in even biggerways and doing even bigger
(07:18):
things in the world.
And so.
Now, when that envy comes upbecause of the book on our best
behavior by Elise Lunen, I havea different frame of reference.
I finished reading it inDecember.
I highly, highly recommend itbecause this is what she said in
her book about envy.
That totally changed myperspective.
(07:39):
She quotes author andpsychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb.
And this is what Lori says.
I always say to people, followyour envy.
It tells you what you wantinstead of sitting there and
saying, Oh, I wish I had whatthat person has and then
denigrating them to makeyourself feel better.
Say what is this telling me andhow can I get it?
(08:03):
So that's what I was doing.
Lonan Lunan, excuse me, writesthat women are so conditioned to
be ashamed of being envious thatwhenever envy appears, it's
followed by an immediate shameresponse.
And we don't get curious aboutwhy the envy is there in the
first place.
The shame shuts us down, pushesus into judgment or criticism of
(08:25):
the women we envy so that we canfind reasons why they are bad or
wrong.
And we can feel better that way.
Oh, I just, I noticed thispattern so, so much in myself.
And I noticed that my mind, whenI was talking with Kira really
wanted to go to judgment, tostart picking apart the things
(08:47):
that she was telling me shewanted and why it was just not a
good idea and not logical andprobably not going to work out
the way she wanted.
And so I noticed my brainwanting to go to judgment, but I
kept pulling it back tocuriosity and I kept asking
myself.
What is this envy telling meabout me and how is it pushing
(09:09):
up against the boundaries?
Of what I believe I'm allowed towant, because that is at the
core of my own programming, evenwith all the work I have done,
letting myself want things thatI don't think are okay is still
hard.
I still have limits.
I think some of the mostimportant questions we can ask
(09:30):
ourselves as women are, what doI think I'm allowed to want?
So take a second and just answerthat question wherever you are,
whatever you're doing, what areyou allowed to want for
yourself?
What are the limits?
How are you allowed to thinkabout yourself and your wanting?
What are you allowed to believeis possible for you?
(09:53):
What are you envious of in otherpeople?
And then just notice what comesup.
And just remember that we havebeen taught as women that
wanting is not okay.
In fact, not wanting ispreferable.
We are rewarded for beingeasygoing, relaxed, easy to work
(10:18):
with, flexible, accommodatinglow maintenance is what is, is
what is prized.
So, of course, it's going tofeel really uncomfortable and
even wrong to let your wantingcome up.
We get told that we are too muchor too dramatic if we express
wanting big things.
(10:38):
And then if we do have thecourage to want something.
There's all these rules aboutit.
We can't want something that isinconvenient or will put someone
else out or that will have us beconsidered too much.
It has to be well researched andyou have to have all of your
very good reasons about why it'sokay to want this.
(11:00):
It's a lot, no fucking wonderthat we have trouble identifying
what we want and that sometimeswhen we can, it still feels bad
and wrong.
So then just this last week wehad our group coaching session
around wanting.
And I took the group throughwhat I call a want download.
(11:22):
It's just a dumping out of allof the things that you might
possibly maybe want, justletting all of your desires
tumble out.
And noticing one, how difficultit might be to access what you
want and two, how you judge whatyou want.
(11:43):
I want to invite you to do thesame thing.
For this want download, thereare two rules.
Number one, no editing.
Or judging admitting that youwant something doesn't even
actually mean you're going to doanything about it, but just let
all the wants come out.
Don't try to edit them.
(12:03):
Don't criticize them.
Don't judge them again.
Just because you write them downdoesn't mean anything and rule
number 2.
No, how, no wondering how yourbrain will immediately try to
tell you all the reasons why youcan't have the thing, all the
obstacles that are in the way ofit, all the reasons why this
isn't going to work.
(12:24):
Just remind your brain thatwe're not worrying about that
right now.
It will go, but, but, but, but,but, you know, and try to give
you all the reasons and justsay, it's all right.
We're not worrying about the howright now.
We're just getting a list ofeverything that we want.
And so, as I did this with thewomen in my group, they started
(12:47):
putting pen to paper and theystarted noticing and saying
things like.
Gosh, this feels like a doorthat is locked that I'm not
allowed to open.
I noticed that I'm looking atall of my wanting through a lens
of like morality to write or ifit's wrong.
(13:09):
Some of them were noticing howmuch emotion came up as they
were asking themselves what theywant, sadness and frustration.
And resentment, others wereseeing all of the limitations
that they placed on themselvesabout what they were allowed to
want and working through theresistance of all of those rules
(13:32):
was coming up for them.
Everything that we wanted as agroup, we went around the class
and kind of named a couple ofthings and everything that we
wanted.
Arrest, to be taken care of, toexperience more sexual pleasure,
to have non traditional careers,to have more money, to take up
space in the world, to have yourwork shown to big crowds, to
(13:55):
perform in front of others, tonot have to work so hard,
wanting more.
All of those wants pointeddirectly to the seven deadly
sins.
Pride, greed, lust, gluttony,sloth, wrath.
And envy.
(14:15):
So what we want smashes intothese rules about what we are
allowed to want.
And what do we do with that?
No fucking wonder.
It feels impossible for us towant and be comfortable and at
home in our wanting.
So we smash into the rules andthen we pair back what we want,
(14:36):
not wanting to be too muchwanting to be acceptable,
wanting to remain connected tothe people around us who are
going to have opinions.
About what we want.
So I'm sitting and having thisconversation with Kira.
I'm being really curious aboutit and so much of what she talks
about just seems impossible,impossible for me.
(15:01):
Some of the things she's talkingabout being included on big
stages and sharing her ideaswith big crowds of people,
publishing books for well knownauthors with their really big
ideas.
shaping the world of authors andreaders and having a network of
people who are all involved inliterally changing the world.
(15:22):
And as I listened to how deeplyshe believed she could have it,
there was a part of me that wasenvious and there was a part of
me that wanted that too.
This is vulnerable for me toadmit, because again, one of the
things I do to protect myself ispretend I don't want things.
But this is my year of admittingthat I want impossible things,
(15:44):
too.
I want a revolution.
I want to be the part of thedeath of people pleasing for
women around the world.
You'll hear the emotion in myvoice.
Because I'm being vulnerable andsaying something that this part
of me is worried that if I putout into the world, we could be
(16:06):
disappointed.
But because of what I've learnedin teaching myself to recognize
and stop my people pleasing andhow I've taught it now to
hundreds of women and run thisstop people pleasing group 9
times, I know that I can handlethe fear of that disappointment.
(16:26):
And so now I get to sit withthat fear and pivot toward
wanting impossible things andfiguring out who do I have to be
to want that?
What is the first step in thedirection of everything that I
want?
(16:46):
The way that I want to be theBrene Brown of people pleasing.
I want to be the Sarah Fisk ofpeople pleasing.
It bumps up against a lot of myown programming.
Um, don't draw attention toyourself.
Kind of was a big thing that Igrew up with.
Don't make everything about you.
(17:06):
Make sure you're a team player.
Make sure you're sacrificing andgiving to other people.
Don't ask for too much becauseyou might not get it.
And so as I am in this very, um,tricky space of allowing myself
to want and feeling all of myprogramming and feeling the envy
(17:27):
and feeling the temptation to gointo judgment and criticism
instead of staying in curiosity,here's what I want to tell you.
As women who are wantingdeprived, we have our work cut
out for us.
You are going to bump up againstyour programming.
You're going to bump up againstthe parts of you that want to
(17:50):
protect you from beingdisappointed.
Parts that are trying to protectyou from getting what you want.
I think every single one of uscan identify something that we
wish we could do that feelsimpossible, whether it's doing
work on big stages.
(18:11):
Or in small spaces, whether it'smaking a difference in big ways
or small ways, I think it'spretty universal that we can
feel something that we want.
And now what I believe are twothings.
Number one, our wanting is thevery, very best and most
(18:36):
reliable compass.
In pointing us in the directionof the life, we will want to be
living.
It takes some investigation.
It takes getting to know what itis that you really want, because
there will be some surface wantsthat present themselves first.
(18:56):
I use this example because it isvery autobiographical and I
think very true.
Often I will want chocolate, butas I have sat with what my
wanting for chocolate really is.
It's a wanting for pleasure.
It's a wanting for somethingthat is just for me.
That feels like a treat andsometimes it might literally be
(19:20):
chocolate, but it isn't always.
And so as you sit with the thingthat you want and really get to
know it, you will notice thelayers.
But I promise you your wantingis the truest indicator.
It's your true north.
And if you follow it and sitwith it and learn to recognize
your programming, recognize yourprotector parts and recognize.
(19:46):
That you can have it.
Anyway, it will point you in thedirection of creating what you
want in your life.
And that brings me to numbertwo, what I've learned that the
size of our wanting is the sizeof our life.
It determines.
The size of the life that weallow ourselves to live people.
(20:09):
Pleasers tend to believe thatthey're being controlled by
outside things.
Other people's wants otherpeople's needs other people's
expectations.
But as we move away from peoplepleasing and sit with what we
want.
We find so many places where weare actually in control because
(20:30):
we can feel our discomfort anddo the thing anyway.
So 2024 is my year of wantingimpossible things.
After that conversation withKira, I decided I'm only going
to want some really, reallyimpossible things.
(20:51):
In fact, that quote, I only wantimpossible things, is from one
of my favorite Willa Catherbooks, The Song of the Lark, and
the protagonist, Thea, says, Ionly want impossible things.
The others don't interest me.
There was a time when I thoughtthat was ridiculous.
Like, listen, who do you thinkyou are to want that?
It's not a good idea.
(21:12):
It's not logical.
It's not sensible.
You're probably not going to getit.
But then all these things keephappening.
What if it's okay to wantsomething that seems impossible?
Are you allowed to want that?
Who would you have to be to getit, to allow yourself to want
it, and then to move toward it?
(21:32):
What's the first step?
Step in that direction.
So I declare this for me theyear where I want impossible
things.
And I invite you to declare thesame.
Most of the things I want todayfeel truly impossible.
I want a worldwide revolutionwhere women can take off the
shackles of people pleasing andperfectionism.
(21:55):
I want a world where women aretruly equal to explore and be
themselves and have the thingsthat they want.
I want to be a part of bringingthat to pass.
I want a woman, a world.
Where women love who they are,that they so thoroughly enjoy
being selves in the world andthat joy is a regular part of
every day for them.
(22:18):
Feels impossible.
I want the experience of seeingmore places of power occupied by
more women.
I want access to health care.
I want everyone to be able tolive the life that they want,
whether they're queer ordisabled, black, brown, poor.
(22:42):
In January 2024, it feels likewe're going backward in a lot of
those things, but I'm saying ittoday.
I want that.
And I'm willing to work for it.
I want the size of my wanting tobe the size of my life.
And if that resonates with you,take a minute and just name
something you want, put it intothe world, put it into words,
(23:05):
and just understand.
That if it brings up shame foryou, you've been programmed to
feel that shame.
This is what Elise Loonan said.
I also began to contemplate whatit meant that envy so maligned,
shameful, and hard to admitcould be something good because
it requires us to own ourwanting.
(23:28):
Envy is the fulcrum or hinge fordesire.
The first expression of agency.
So what do you want in 2024 do awant download.
And if you feel that shame andenvy come up, know that it is
normal.
All of your conditioning, all ofyour protection parts, so, so
(23:52):
normal.
I would love it.
If you would DM me some of thethings that come up for you,
some of the answers to thesequestions, some of the things
that you come up and want,because what I prize.
Almost more than anything elseis a conversation.
I think about you who listenedto this podcast every week.
I think about the people who arein my group coaching program,
(24:13):
and I know that we are all doingthis work of changing the
landscape for other women byfirst changing our personal
landscape about what we areallowed to want and who we are
allowed to be.
So in 2024, 2024.
I only want impossible thingsand I invite you to want along
(24:34):
with me.
Thank you for listening.
I'll talk to you next week.
If this podcast has piqued yourinterest about my group coaching
program, stop people pleasing.
You need to know that it's openfor registration.
Right now, use the link in mybio to go to the information
page that will explaineverything that is included in
(24:55):
the group coaching program.
The 24 live group sessions thatyou get with me, the two private
sessions.
Tell you all about the amazingcommunity of women that I have
created to support you throughyour journey to stop people
pleasing, and then book aconsult with me so that you and
I can talk about how your peoplepleasing shows up for you.
(25:16):
And I can answer any of yourquestions about stop people
pleasing because registrationcloses on January 26th.
And I really want you in ournext round.
Have a great week.
You are listening to the ex goodgirl podcast episode number 51.
Hey, before we jump in, I justwanted to ask you to take a
minute and make sure that youare following the show.
A recent podcast update throughApple or Apple update.
I'm actually not sure whichkicked a bunch of people off the
(00:23):
shows that they're following.
And if you would just take asecond to make sure you are
following the show, that wouldbe fantastic.
Also, if you haven't had achance yet to leave some
feedback, I would appreciate itso much.
If this podcast has been helpfulto you, if it's been something
that you've recommended tofriends, if you would just take
a second and do that, I I'd bereally grateful.
Thank you.
(00:44):
All right, I want to talk aboutthree recent events that have
brought the topic of wantingback to center stage in my
brain.
It's never really far from, uh,the stage in my brain because
it's something I'm paying a lotof attention to, uh, last year
and this year, but three thingshappened that really kind of
(01:05):
brought it up again and showedme kind of a different
dimension, um, of myself and myown wanting and.
Maybe it'll tell you a littlebit about yours because that's
the whole point, right?
So wanting what we are allowedto want, how we get what we want
(01:30):
is always something that I havenoticed in myself and other
women.
Well, not always, but recently,uh, in the last maybe 18 months
to two years.
And so I read the book on ourbest behavior by Elise Lunen.
Go read it immediately.
It is about how women's behavioris shaped and controlled by the
seven deadly sins pride.
(01:52):
Greed, lust or vanity, gluttony,sloth, wrath, and envy.
So that was the first thing thathappened.
The second thing, inside mygroup coaching program, which is
called Stop People Pleasing, wejust had our Wanting Week, where
we discuss Reconnecting to ourwanting how to let ourselves
(02:12):
want what we're allowed to want,how we get it, all of the, the,
the messaging and programmingthat women get around wanting.
And then how do we know and getwhat we want?
And then third, I had dinnerwith an old friend who is doing
some big, amazing things in theworld.
(02:33):
And I noticed my internalreaction to her.
Now, as a frame of reference, Ihave 2 protective mechanisms
that come up whenever I wantsomething, or when I see women
doing big things.
(02:55):
And sometimes in the past, I'vefelt some, uh, some shame and
kind of disappointment in myselffor having these protective
mechanisms, but I don't anymore.
And so I share them.
Maybe you have something similarbecause there's a, there's a
really good reason we try toprotect ourselves from wanting
(03:15):
things.
So the 1st.
Protective mechanism that comesup for me is when I see a woman
doing big things, taking upspace on stage, sharing her work
with the world.
I have an internal voice thatsays, sit down.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Yeah.
We know you're a big deal.
Sit down.
(03:36):
And I begin to judge orcriticize Aspects of what she is
doing.
And a lot of it sounds just likethe voice of patriarchy.
Why is she wearing that?
Does she know her hair lookslike that?
It comes out really justautomatically.
And like I said, in the past, Ifelt some shame, but now I just
know it's part of the way thatI've been programmed to think
(04:00):
about not only other women doingbig things and taking up space,
but me doing big things andtaking up space.
The second thing that I'vebecome aware of more recently is
kind of this famed sufficiencyor disinterest.
I will pretend like I don'treally want something and it
(04:25):
comes from not wanting to be sador hurt if I don't get it.
If one of my expectations isn'tmet, that's okay.
I didn't really want it that badanyway, or if someone
disappoints me with something,that's okay.
I didn't really care that muchabout it anyway, or if a person
leaves my life, that's okay.
I wasn't really that attached tothem anyway.
(04:46):
And so that's the way that Ikeep myself insulated from pain
and disappointment.
And it also keeps me fromsharing too much of myself,
which would feel overlyvulnerable or overly exposed.
And then if they left or theydidn't agree with me, then I
would feel terrible.
So I just pretend like I don'tcare about it that much.
(05:10):
So I've been in conversationwith those parts of me, trying
to learn from and listen to themso that they can not only teach
me, but so that I can kind ofcomfort and be with them.
That is kind of the context forthis first thing I want to tell
you about, which is the dinnerwith my friend.
(05:32):
Her name is Kira Brinton.
She is a book publisher and abook medium.
You should go follow herimmediately.
She is amazing and we've beenfriends for quite some time.
She was in town.
We went to dinner and I'vealways loved her.
We got to know each other whenwe were both Mormon women, um,
(05:54):
attending church on Sundays.
We were working together inassignments.
And since then, we've bothstepped into coaching in
different spaces in differentways.
But as I have watched her grow,I've always been envious of how
joyfully expressive,unapologetic she is about the
(06:14):
way she works.
And moves in the world, there'salways been something about her
that has struck that enviousnessin me.
And I've noticed it in the past,but as I sat with it at dinner,
as she was talking about thething, she's been doing the
project she's working on.
And I was just seeing her in allof her wonder and excitement and
(06:35):
belief.
And I was just having thislittle out of body experience
where I was listening to her,but also noticing that envy that
came up about how freely sheexpressed herself, how
unapologetic she was.
And how unafraid she was to talkabout wanting really, really big
(06:57):
and in my mind, impossiblesounding things.
So I'm listening to her and I'mfeeling the envy rise in my
body, envy for how easily she'sjust able to say what she wants,
envy about how big the thingsare and how they'll propel her
into being seen in even biggerways and doing even bigger
(07:18):
things in the world.
And so.
Now, when that envy comes upbecause of the book on our best
behavior by Elise Lunen, I havea different frame of reference.
I finished reading it inDecember.
I highly, highly recommend itbecause this is what she said in
her book about envy.
That totally changed myperspective.
(07:39):
She quotes author andpsychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb.
And this is what Lori says.
I always say to people, followyour envy.
It tells you what you wantinstead of sitting there and
saying, Oh, I wish I had whatthat person has and then
denigrating them to makeyourself feel better.
Say what is this telling me andhow can I get it?
(08:03):
So that's what I was doing.
Lonan Lunan, excuse me, writesthat women are so conditioned to
be ashamed of being envious thatwhenever envy appears, it's
followed by an immediate shameresponse.
And we don't get curious aboutwhy the envy is there in the
first place.
The shame shuts us down, pushesus into judgment or criticism of
(08:25):
the women we envy so that we canfind reasons why they are bad or
wrong.
And we can feel better that way.
Oh, I just, I noticed thispattern so, so much in myself.
And I noticed that my mind, whenI was talking with Kira really
wanted to go to judgment, tostart picking apart the things
(08:47):
that she was telling me shewanted and why it was just not a
good idea and not logical andprobably not going to work out
the way she wanted.
And so I noticed my brainwanting to go to judgment, but I
kept pulling it back tocuriosity and I kept asking
myself.
What is this envy telling meabout me and how is it pushing
(09:09):
up against the boundaries?
Of what I believe I'm allowed towant, because that is at the
core of my own programming, evenwith all the work I have done,
letting myself want things thatI don't think are okay is still
hard.
I still have limits.
I think some of the mostimportant questions we can ask
(09:30):
ourselves as women are, what doI think I'm allowed to want?
So take a second and just answerthat question wherever you are,
whatever you're doing, what areyou allowed to want for
yourself?
What are the limits?
How are you allowed to thinkabout yourself and your wanting?
What are you allowed to believeis possible for you?
(09:53):
What are you envious of in otherpeople?
And then just notice what comesup.
And just remember that we havebeen taught as women that
wanting is not okay.
In fact, not wanting ispreferable.
We are rewarded for beingeasygoing, relaxed, easy to work
(10:18):
with, flexible, accommodatinglow maintenance is what is, is
what is prized.
So, of course, it's going tofeel really uncomfortable and
even wrong to let your wantingcome up.
We get told that we are too muchor too dramatic if we express
wanting big things.
(10:38):
And then if we do have thecourage to want something.
There's all these rules aboutit.
We can't want something that isinconvenient or will put someone
else out or that will have us beconsidered too much.
It has to be well researched andyou have to have all of your
very good reasons about why it'sokay to want this.
(11:00):
It's a lot, no fucking wonderthat we have trouble identifying
what we want and that sometimeswhen we can, it still feels bad
and wrong.
So then just this last week wehad our group coaching session
around wanting.
And I took the group throughwhat I call a want download.
(11:22):
It's just a dumping out of allof the things that you might
possibly maybe want, justletting all of your desires
tumble out.
And noticing one, how difficultit might be to access what you
want and two, how you judge whatyou want.
(11:43):
I want to invite you to do thesame thing.
For this want download, thereare two rules.
Number one, no editing.
Or judging admitting that youwant something doesn't even
actually mean you're going to doanything about it, but just let
all the wants come out.
Don't try to edit them.
(12:03):
Don't criticize them.
Don't judge them again.
Just because you write them downdoesn't mean anything and rule
number 2.
No, how, no wondering how yourbrain will immediately try to
tell you all the reasons why youcan't have the thing, all the
obstacles that are in the way ofit, all the reasons why this
isn't going to work.
(12:24):
Just remind your brain thatwe're not worrying about that
right now.
It will go, but, but, but, but,but, you know, and try to give
you all the reasons and justsay, it's all right.
We're not worrying about the howright now.
We're just getting a list ofeverything that we want.
And so, as I did this with thewomen in my group, they started
(12:47):
putting pen to paper and theystarted noticing and saying
things like.
Gosh, this feels like a doorthat is locked that I'm not
allowed to open.
I noticed that I'm looking atall of my wanting through a lens
of like morality to write or ifit's wrong.
(13:09):
Some of them were noticing howmuch emotion came up as they
were asking themselves what theywant, sadness and frustration.
And resentment, others wereseeing all of the limitations
that they placed on themselvesabout what they were allowed to
want and working through theresistance of all of those rules
(13:32):
was coming up for them.
Everything that we wanted as agroup, we went around the class
and kind of named a couple ofthings and everything that we
wanted.
Arrest, to be taken care of, toexperience more sexual pleasure,
to have non traditional careers,to have more money, to take up
space in the world, to have yourwork shown to big crowds, to
(13:55):
perform in front of others, tonot have to work so hard,
wanting more.
All of those wants pointeddirectly to the seven deadly
sins.
Pride, greed, lust, gluttony,sloth, wrath.
And envy.
(14:15):
So what we want smashes intothese rules about what we are
allowed to want.
And what do we do with that?
No fucking wonder.
It feels impossible for us towant and be comfortable and at
home in our wanting.
So we smash into the rules andthen we pair back what we want,
(14:36):
not wanting to be too muchwanting to be acceptable,
wanting to remain connected tothe people around us who are
going to have opinions.
About what we want.
So I'm sitting and having thisconversation with Kira.
I'm being really curious aboutit and so much of what she talks
about just seems impossible,impossible for me.
(15:01):
Some of the things she's talkingabout being included on big
stages and sharing her ideaswith big crowds of people,
publishing books for well knownauthors with their really big
ideas.
shaping the world of authors andreaders and having a network of
people who are all involved inliterally changing the world.
(15:22):
And as I listened to how deeplyshe believed she could have it,
there was a part of me that wasenvious and there was a part of
me that wanted that too.
This is vulnerable for me toadmit, because again, one of the
things I do to protect myself ispretend I don't want things.
But this is my year of admittingthat I want impossible things,
(15:44):
too.
I want a revolution.
I want to be the part of thedeath of people pleasing for
women around the world.
You'll hear the emotion in myvoice.
Because I'm being vulnerable andsaying something that this part
of me is worried that if I putout into the world, we could be
(16:06):
disappointed.
But because of what I've learnedin teaching myself to recognize
and stop my people pleasing andhow I've taught it now to
hundreds of women and run thisstop people pleasing group 9
times, I know that I can handlethe fear of that disappointment.
(16:26):
And so now I get to sit withthat fear and pivot toward
wanting impossible things andfiguring out who do I have to be
to want that?
What is the first step in thedirection of everything that I
want?
(16:46):
The way that I want to be theBrene Brown of people pleasing.
I want to be the Sarah Fisk ofpeople pleasing.
It bumps up against a lot of myown programming.
Um, don't draw attention toyourself.
Kind of was a big thing that Igrew up with.
Don't make everything about you.
(17:06):
Make sure you're a team player.
Make sure you're sacrificing andgiving to other people.
Don't ask for too much becauseyou might not get it.
And so as I am in this very, um,tricky space of allowing myself
to want and feeling all of myprogramming and feeling the envy
(17:27):
and feeling the temptation to gointo judgment and criticism
instead of staying in curiosity,here's what I want to tell you.
As women who are wantingdeprived, we have our work cut
out for us.
You are going to bump up againstyour programming.
You're going to bump up againstthe parts of you that want to
(17:50):
protect you from beingdisappointed.
Parts that are trying to protectyou from getting what you want.
I think every single one of uscan identify something that we
wish we could do that feelsimpossible, whether it's doing
work on big stages.
(18:11):
Or in small spaces, whether it'smaking a difference in big ways
or small ways, I think it'spretty universal that we can
feel something that we want.
And now what I believe are twothings.
Number one, our wanting is thevery, very best and most
(18:36):
reliable compass.
In pointing us in the directionof the life, we will want to be
living.
It takes some investigation.
It takes getting to know what itis that you really want, because
there will be some surface wantsthat present themselves first.
(18:56):
I use this example because it isvery autobiographical and I
think very true.
Often I will want chocolate, butas I have sat with what my
wanting for chocolate really is.
It's a wanting for pleasure.
It's a wanting for somethingthat is just for me.
That feels like a treat andsometimes it might literally be
(19:20):
chocolate, but it isn't always.
And so as you sit with the thingthat you want and really get to
know it, you will notice thelayers.
But I promise you your wantingis the truest indicator.
It's your true north.
And if you follow it and sitwith it and learn to recognize
your programming, recognize yourprotector parts and recognize.
(19:46):
That you can have it.
Anyway, it will point you in thedirection of creating what you
want in your life.
And that brings me to numbertwo, what I've learned that the
size of our wanting is the sizeof our life.
It determines.
The size of the life that weallow ourselves to live people.
(20:09):
Pleasers tend to believe thatthey're being controlled by
outside things.
Other people's wants otherpeople's needs other people's
expectations.
But as we move away from peoplepleasing and sit with what we
want.
We find so many places where weare actually in control because
(20:30):
we can feel our discomfort anddo the thing anyway.
So 2024 is my year of wantingimpossible things.
After that conversation withKira, I decided I'm only going
to want some really, reallyimpossible things.
(20:51):
In fact, that quote, I only wantimpossible things, is from one
of my favorite Willa Catherbooks, The Song of the Lark, and
the protagonist, Thea, says, Ionly want impossible things.
The others don't interest me.
There was a time when I thoughtthat was ridiculous.
Like, listen, who do you thinkyou are to want that?
It's not a good idea.
(21:12):
It's not logical.
It's not sensible.
You're probably not going to getit.
But then all these things keephappening.
What if it's okay to wantsomething that seems impossible?
Are you allowed to want that?
Who would you have to be to getit, to allow yourself to want
it, and then to move toward it?
(21:32):
What's the first step?
Step in that direction.
So I declare this for me theyear where I want impossible
things.
And I invite you to declare thesame.
Most of the things I want todayfeel truly impossible.
I want a worldwide revolutionwhere women can take off the
shackles of people pleasing andperfectionism.
(21:55):
I want a world where women aretruly equal to explore and be
themselves and have the thingsthat they want.
I want to be a part of bringingthat to pass.
I want a woman, a world.
Where women love who they are,that they so thoroughly enjoy
being selves in the world andthat joy is a regular part of
every day for them.
(22:18):
Feels impossible.
I want the experience of seeingmore places of power occupied by
more women.
I want access to health care.
I want everyone to be able tolive the life that they want,
whether they're queer ordisabled, black, brown, poor.
(22:42):
In January 2024, it feels likewe're going backward in a lot of
those things, but I'm saying ittoday.
I want that.
And I'm willing to work for it.
I want the size of my wanting tobe the size of my life.
And if that resonates with you,take a minute and just name
something you want, put it intothe world, put it into words,
(23:05):
and just understand.
That if it brings up shame foryou, you've been programmed to
feel that shame.
This is what Elise Loonan said.
I also began to contemplate whatit meant that envy so maligned,
shameful, and hard to admitcould be something good because
it requires us to own ourwanting.
(23:28):
Envy is the fulcrum or hinge fordesire.
The first expression of agency.
So what do you want in 2024 do awant download.
And if you feel that shame andenvy come up, know that it is
normal.
All of your conditioning, all ofyour protection parts, so, so
(23:52):
normal.
I would love it.
If you would DM me some of thethings that come up for you,
some of the answers to thesequestions, some of the things
that you come up and want,because what I prize.
Almost more than anything elseis a conversation.
I think about you who listenedto this podcast every week.
I think about the people who arein my group coaching program,
(24:13):
and I know that we are all doingthis work of changing the
landscape for other women byfirst changing our personal
landscape about what we areallowed to want and who we are
allowed to be.
So in 2024, 2024.
I only want impossible thingsand I invite you to want along
(24:34):
with me.
Thank you for listening.
I'll talk to you next week.
If this podcast has piqued yourinterest about my group coaching
program, stop people pleasing.
You need to know that it's openfor registration.
Right now, use the link in mybio to go to the information
page that will explaineverything that is included in
(24:55):
the group coaching program.
The 24 live group sessions thatyou get with me, the two private
sessions.
Tell you all about the amazingcommunity of women that I have
created to support you throughyour journey to stop people
pleasing, and then book aconsult with me so that you and
I can talk about how your peoplepleasing shows up for you.
(25:16):
And I can answer any of yourquestions about stop people
pleasing because registrationcloses on January 26th.
And I really want you in ournext round.
Have a great week.
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