February 21, 2024 • 36 mins
This episode is all about relationships. As humans, we’re wired for connection and meant to have a variety of dynamics in our lives. Friendship, intimacy, and pleasure are necessary in life, as well as our independence. Life is the balance of independence vs. interdependence. In this episode I offer tools to help assess if you want to keep/continue to invest in the relationships in your life. This is your opportunity to consider your own needs first. Once you’ve assessed your relationship goals with yourself and others, you can move forward with ease and comfort. I can't wait for you to listen.
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(00:00):
You are listening to the Ex GoodGirl podcast episode 55.
This episode has been brewingfor a long time, And it seems
like in the past couple weeks,I've had this conversation in 3
or 4 different coaching sessionsthat I've done with Individual
clients and in my group coachingprogram stop people pleasing,
(00:22):
and so I just thought, okay.
It's time.
It's time to put this into wordsand, Uh, get it out there so
that it's something that we canbe thinking about together and
working on together becauseEvery single 1 of us are in
relationships.
And I've given this episode thetitle, how to remodel a
(00:43):
relationship, Not because I'mabout to offer you the
definitive, uh, end all be allepisode on how to Make a
difference in yourrelationships, but because I
think I have some good ideasabout how to move the needle
forward.
And anytime we are trying tomake a difference in a
relationship with another personwhere we don't control that
(01:06):
other person, what we do is wetry things and we evaluate how
it works.
We think of something that mightpossibly help.
We try it and we evaluate theeffect that it had.
And we either, um, you know,change it up a little so that we
can try it again, or we move onto finding something else.
So What I hope to give you inthis episode are 4 places where
(01:31):
you can make a difference inwhat ever relationship you are
in that needs a remodel.
Now I have worked with a clientthis week on a family
relationship, Another clientwith a romantic relationship,
another client with a workrelationship.
So this works no matter whattype of relationship we are
(01:52):
talking king about friendships,family relationships, work
relationships, romanticrelationships, um, Across the
board, whenever you are in arelationship with someone else,
there's always places where youhave some power to affect some
change.
Now I wanna give you a couplepieces of information for
(02:16):
context that just kind of set upour conversation.
Context piece number 1.
As humans, we are wired forconnection.
It is not optional.
Our needs cannot be met alone.
We are meant to haverelationships with other people,
(02:38):
All different kinds,friendships, romantic, um,
family, because the need that wehave to belong, To have
connection, to have friendships,to have intimacy, to have
pleasure, to have, um, a placeof community is that is the
entire human race.
(03:00):
And we are also meant to haveindependence.
So we're meant to Actually, moveback and forth between
interdependence connected placesof relationship and belonging
with other people Andindependence, where we can meet
some of our own needs and wherewe know who we are as an
(03:20):
individual, and we can pursuehobbies and desires that are
that are just ours.
So if you think about the idealhuman experience, it's
pendulating or moving back andforth between independence and
interdependence.
We are meant to be able to meetsome of our needs alone and some
(03:41):
in relationships.
Piece of context number 2.
Women are overly tasked withbeing the caretakers of
relationships.
There is the Assumption thatwomen are better nurturers, that
women have more access to theiremotions and can express
themselves better, are moreemotionally intelligent.
(04:04):
Might that be true of certainwomen?
Yes.
Um, I don't think it was true ofme for, um, for a long time.
And if you are a woman orsomeone a human raised as a
woman, you might have felt thepressure to be the caretaker of
relationships.
And I just wanna name thatbecause you get to pick whether
(04:27):
or not you want to do that.
Just because you identify withthe gender of being a woman, it
doesn't mean that you're incharge of relationships you get
to pick.
Piece of context number 3.
You always have the last say inwhether or not to keep a
(04:48):
relationship.
Always forever period the end.
So Even if you try a lot ofthings and you feel like they
don't work, you still have thelast say, that is always your
final right is to pick, tochoose, to invest in any
(05:09):
relationship no matter how howit is for any reason that you
like.
So a lot of times women arereluctant to invest in a
relationship because they have asense that they don't wanna keep
it anyway, but they feelobligated because women are
overly tasked with being thecaretakers of relationships.
(05:31):
And what I just want you to keepand hold for yourself is, like,
the final ace.
Right?
Your final card that you canplay is always you have the last
say always in whether or not tokeep a relationship.
Piece of context number 4.
We have a western model ofliving that has a healthy dose
(05:55):
of individualism in it.
And I am not saying that that isgood or bad.
I think there's evidence forboth.
But that individualistic way ofkind of going about our lives
gives our relationships Somestrain sometimes because there
is a desire to be strong andself sufficient and not need
(06:19):
other people and not beperceived as needy within this
model of, like, very independentliving.
And sometimes that bites us inthe butt because remember, we're
wired for connection.
And so sometimes the tension Jinis and this was very much the
tension for me.
I want to be impermeable tohurt.
(06:42):
Right?
I wanna be very So selfsufficient, very strong, no 1
can hurt me, and I also wannahave a relationship where I'm
close and vulnerable.
Can you see how those those 2,um, ideas can't exist in the
same place.
And so within this reallywestern model of being, you
know, strong and selfsufficient, we have to open up
(07:05):
to the idea a little bit morethat any deepening of a
relationship, any growth in arelationship is risky.
Key.
We could be hurt.
We could be, um, misunderstood.
We could end up facing loss.
And so Just the tension betweenwanting to be in relationships
(07:26):
but not wanting to be hurtbecause we have this really
independence minded way that alot of us in the United States
or in the western part of theworld have grown up.
I just want to name that aswell.
So With that context in mind,here are the 4 things that I
want to offer for you to try todo some research on and to do
(07:49):
some evaluation around.
Number 1, when you're looking atany relationship, work, family,
friendship, intimate, whatever,what are your reasons for
wanting to keep or to continueto invest in that relationship.
I feel like this is theessential place to start.
(08:11):
The other 3 steps you can dothose in any order.
I don't really think it matters,but this 1 is the place to start
because oftentimes especially asa human trained up to be a good
girl and a good wife and a goodmother, I had the belief that I
had to keep all myrelationships.
Like, I had to, uh, nurture allof them.
(08:32):
I had to invest in all of them,and that it was bad, that I was
a bad friend if I didn't wannabe friends anymore, that I was a
bad, uh, whatever, you know, ifI if I wanted some distance.
And so it's really important toget clear on what your reasons
are for wanting to keep or tocontinue to invest in that
(08:53):
relationship.
This became really clear to mewhen, um, this is now, like, 8
years ago.
My husband decided that he nolonger wanted to participate in
the church that we had both beenraised in, married in, raised
our children in, kind of thething we thought we were gonna
do forever and ever together,the Mormon church.
(09:16):
Uh, he had some really validissues that led to his decision
to want to leave, and this wasthe first thing I had to do.
Because for better or for worse,I had been raised to believe
that my whole life would bewalking this particular
religious path with him.
And then now that it wasn'tgoing to be anymore, I needed to
(09:38):
really get clear on, do I wantto be married to him as he is,
you know, not attending Mormonchurch anymore?
The answer was yes.
But that time that I gave myselfto really get clear on my
reasons for wanting to continueto invest in our relationship,
(09:59):
that was everything because itwas hard.
There were a lot of ups anddowns or a lot of things that we
had to figure out together andnot just around, like, him not
being Mormon anymore.
Just 2 humans trying to work outa life together.
Um, so I think that this is theplace to start.
Write to down your reasons forwhy you want to keep the
(10:20):
relationship or why you want tocontinue to invest in the
relationship.
And I think those are 2different things.
Keeping a relationship meansjust letting it go as it is.
Right?
You know what?
Now that I think about thisrelationship let's say you have
a relationship with a co workerthat is a little bit awkward.
You work on projects together.
(10:41):
It's in your best interest tokeep the relationship, but not
necessarily to try and deepen itor invest in it to try and take
it to whatever next level oriteration of closeness it could
be.
Make a distinction there.
What are your reasons forwanting to keep or continue to
invest in the relationship.
And if there aren't any, thatwill be telling.
(11:03):
Right?
That you want to know what yourreasons are.
And once you know what yourreasons are that becomes the
fuel for doing these next steps.
If you're solid on having somegood reasons why you want to
invest in a relationship orcontinue to invest, it's gonna
make the next 3 steps a loteasier.
(11:24):
If you realize, you know what?
I'm not really interested ininvesting in this relationship,
but I do wanna keep it, then youdon't even have to go on to the
next 3 steps because you're justgonna let things kind of Ride
the way they are and continue,and you're gonna be fine with
that.
And then the third option youmight discover, I don't really
have Good reasons for wanting tokeep this relationship or
(11:45):
continue to invest in it.
And so I'm gonna begin theprocess of letting this
relationship go.
So once you've done that, thenext step or a next step would
be to be to do an assessment ofwhat is working in the
relationship so that you can domore of that.
(12:08):
Let's go back to the awkwardcoworker relationship.
Let's say that you know that youwant to keep that relationship
and maybe even invest in makingit better.
And what you've noticed aboutthis awkward coworker
relationship is that sometimesyou, uh, can bring your coworker
(12:31):
some kind let's say a doughnut.
I don't know.
Maybe that's the most cliche,uh, example any, you know, ever
thought of, but let's just gowith it.
So you realize Coworker reallylikes maple donuts.
And so you do an assessment.
He really likes that maple barthat I bring in.
(12:51):
I'm gonna do that a little bitmore.
In a romantic relationship, Youdo an assessment of what is
working.
1 of the things that was reallyworking for my husband and I
during, um, the kind oftumultuousness of him leaving
the church was laughing.
We laughed together a lot, andso we focused on that.
(13:12):
Because remember, Doing whatworks is always a good idea.
Right?
If it works, do more of it.
You want to be able to have someclear things that produce more
connection, more laughter, morefriendship, more belonging and
(13:32):
to do more of that.
Next, you're gonna do anassessment of what is not
working, and you're gonna lookat it in 2 different ways.
So once you have your assessmentof what is not working, let's
say, you really want moreconnection.
(13:54):
You really want your needs andwants to be better understood.
That's on your list of what isnot working.
The first way you're gonna lookat that list of what is not
working is, what part of thisthing that's not working, is
something that I could do moreof for myself.
(14:18):
What part what are the things onthis list of things that are not
working that are needs that Icould fill for myself first?
Now it's important tounderstand.
I am not suggesting that that isgoing to be the fix for
everything.
What I am suggesting is that Inthe 2 people in the
relationship, you are fully incharge of you.
(14:42):
And so we're gonna start withHow can you meet some of these
needs, these wants, thesedesires for yourself?
And let's see how that changesyour experience because we're
not in charge of the otherperson.
Now we are eventually going totake some of these things to
them as well, but we're gonnastart with you because you are
(15:02):
totally in charge of you.
So when you're looking at whatyou want more of, Where could
you give yourself moreconnection with yourself?
More spending time withyourself?
More getting to know your needsand wants.
This is a really, reallyessential place to start because
(15:23):
as people who are socialized aswomen, we are taught that our
own needs and wants aresecondary to those of everybody
around us.
And so often, I get a woman inher forties, fifties who says, I
don't even know what I want orwhat I need exactly.
Like I've spent so much of mytime and energy and effort doing
(15:45):
for other people.
I don't know.
And so that is your unique joband opportunity to find out.
Spending time with yourself,your wants, and your needs, and
asking, How can I meet this needfor myself first?
Looking around at the people inyour life who are modeling
(16:07):
meeting their own needs inhealthy ways, whether it's
people on social media, peopleyou actually know.
Like, who do I see in my lifewho seems to be doing a good job
of this and what are they doing?
What resources Do I need to beable to do more of this for
myself?
Sometimes it's a big resourcelike a therapist or a coach or
(16:29):
some kind of program that helpsyou uncover more about yourself
or take care of The stress andburnout that you feel in your
life, you know, just as anexample.
Sometimes it's a littleresource.
I bought myself a coloring book.
That is a resource so that I cantake care of my need for some
(16:52):
distraction, some creativeexpression, and I bought it for
myself.
I've been using it for a coupleweeks now.
I love to color.
I have not I don't even rememberthe last time I colored.
You know?
Maybe Elementary school, whoknows?
But when I answered thequestion, what resources do I
need to be able to do more ofWhat I need for myself, it was a
(17:16):
coloring book, so I bought it.
When you answer that question,there might be some resources
that are readily available andsome that might take a little
more time.
The next question that you canask to figure out what you can
do more of for yourself is wheredo I have habits of behavior or
(17:38):
thinking that might beobstacles.
Where do I what are the storiesthat I tell myself about my
partner that might not be thebest stories to be telling
myself.
I used to tell myself all thetime that Dan, my husband,
wasn't interested in myfeelings.
Like, he just did not care.
That was not true.
(17:58):
The real truth was I had a veryhard time expressing them, and
so it was just easier to believethat he wasn't interested.
But look at the way that youtell yourself stories about your
boss, about your mother-in-law,about your neighbor, And just be
aware that some of them might beobstacles to getting the
(18:19):
relationship that you want, andthose Thoughts and stories are
uniquely yours to work on.
Next question that you can askyourself when you're thinking
about how to do more foryourself.
What is my ideal dream way ofhow I treat myself?
What is my ideal dream way ofhow I take care of myself?
(18:42):
And how can I do more of thatfor me?
I love asking this questionbecause it directly confronts
the programming that a lot ofwomen get that The white knight.
Right?
The the the person, the savior,the the hero is gonna ride in on
the horse and save you fromwhatever hard situation you're
(19:06):
in, and you need to be thatperson for you first.
Are we gonna take this up withthe other people in our in our
relationships?
Definitely.
But we're focusing on you firstas your own white knight, as
your own hero because you havethe most control over you.
So when you think about what ismy dream ideal way of caring for
(19:28):
myself and treating myself, Whatskills or tools do I need to
develop to make that possible?
What do I need to be able to dofor me as much of what makes me
feel good and connected andknown first.
Maybe I need to develop Sometools and skills around setting
(19:48):
and maintaining boundaries.
Maybe I need to learn how totolerate sharing something that
feels vulnerable.
Maybe I need to develop theskill of asking for something
directly and not just hintingabout it.
Maybe I need to learn how to sitwith discomfort or get out of
(20:10):
black and white thinking.
Maybe I catastrophize a lot or Igo to blame and shame.
So when you think about all theways that you could take better
care of you, here those are somethings to think about because
they can make a huge difference.
My friend and colleague, MaggieReyes, uh, who's a marriage
(20:30):
coach for high achieving womenalways talks about how 1 person
changing in a relationship canchange the dynamic of that
relationship.
I have experienced that andbelieve it to be true.
So the the list that I just wentthrough are some really concrete
ways that you can take that upwith you first because we're in
(20:54):
charge of you.
At some point, There might besome things that you want to
bring up with the other peoplein your relationships because
you do want more of somethingelse from this other person.
The boss, the husband, the wife,the boyfriend, the girlfriend,
the friend doesn't matter.
(21:14):
Right?
This applies to everyone.
So when you think about what Iwant more of from the other
person, that is where you get topractice asking for what you
want.
I like this sentence.
You know, I've been thinkingabout our relationship, and I
(21:38):
have some ideas about how wecould be closer.
I've been thinking about somethings that I would like to
develop as part of making ourrelationship closer, more
connected, and I have a fewideas that I'd like to share.
And here's where you kind of gointo research mode.
(22:02):
Because the last piece ofinformation that you need, you
need to understand what theother person's goal is for your
relationship and the capacitythat they have for the changes
that you want.
So I'm giving you these last 2together.
(22:25):
Because now that we're gonna goto the other person and ask for
some of the things that we wantmore of from then, What we're
from them, what we're actuallydoing is finding out, do our
goals for this relationshipmatch?
And does the other person havethe capacity to do some of the
things that we're gonna ask themto do?
(22:47):
Now just a word about capacity.
Someone might not have thecapacity to be vulnerable the
way that you want, and theircapacity is based on 2 things,
their willingness to develop itand their ability to develop it.
So sometimes they're willing,but they're not able.
(23:10):
They need to find more tools orget more resources for
themselves.
Other times they're not willingto develop the capacity.
And while this might be sad andthis is part of the, you know,
inherent risk in relationshipsthat I was talking about.
We actually want to know whetheror not they are willing and able
(23:35):
to develop a relationship.
Because if they're not, that isinformation we want to be able
to use in our decision makingprocess.
And while it might feel sad,what I want you to think about
is being in a relationship whereyou don't know if they're
(23:55):
willing or able, that often isthe stuck feeling that so many
of us experience.
It's because we don't know ifthey want our relationship to be
better or if they're capable ofit being better.
So we want the data that comesfrom initiating some of these
(24:17):
conversations and changesbecause either way, we will get
to decide I wanna continueforward and invest in this
relationship because the personhas the capacity and our
relationship goals match.
Or You know what?
I'm just gonna let this ride orI'm not gonna invest in it
anymore because I see now thatthis other person we don't have
(24:38):
the same relationship goals andthere might not be the capacity
for it.
So the other reason that thismatters is that Having
relationship goals for someoneelse that they do not share is a
recipe for disaster.
(24:58):
It's just not something that theother person is capable of.
Let me give you an example.
My late mother-in-law was 1 ofthe most beautiful people and
the most generous and caringpeople that I've ever met.
And when we moved Closer tothem, we moved from Texas to
(25:18):
Arizona.
I had all of these dreams in mybrain about What it would be
like to go over with my kids andmake cookies with grandma and
have her participate in theirlives at a really high level.
And it was a source offrustration to me that that that
(25:40):
just didn't happen.
It didn't didn't seem to be whatshe wanted.
And so I remember taking thetime to sit down and kind of
analyze our relationship andrealize, you know what?
When I ask her if We can comeover or if she wants to come
over, about half the time shesays she is busy doing other
(26:03):
things.
When I suggest activities, youknow, about Half the time, it's
really not something she wantsto do.
She doesn't really call me andinitiate phone conversations or
check ins or getting together oractivity.
And what that evaluation allowedme to see was, you know what?
I just don't think we have thesame goals.
(26:26):
I wanted to be much moreconnected, much more actively
involved in each other's lives,and she just didn't.
And so having that data,although it made me sad because
it kinda destroyed, you know,this figment of my imagination
about the type of relationshipwe would have, what it allowed
(26:46):
me to do was to love her as shewas and to interact with her in
a way that, uh, met both of ouryou know, it I lowered my
expectations, and we were ableto have a really great
relationship that was satisfyingfor both of us.
But I had to do the evaluationand get the data that showed me
(27:10):
what it was that she was reallyinterested in.
So it is really essential towhen you're thinking about what
part of what is not working inthis relationship, do I wanna
take to my other person in thisrelationship, and do I wanna ask
for more of from them?
(27:30):
That is done at the same timethat you are thinking about,
okay, what is their goal forthis relationship?
What is their capacity to makesome of the changes that would
deepen or, um, you know, growour relationship together, and
do they really wanna do that?
So Oftentimes, this is where 1of my clients will say, well,
(27:53):
why do I have to be the 1 toinitiate this conversation or to
do this assessing andinvestigating.
Why do I have to do that?
Valid question.
Right?
And the answer that I have foryou that comes from, um, um, my
own work, is it someone has togo first.
(28:17):
Right?
And since you're the 1 incontrol of you, it just makes
sense for you to take some ofthese steps first because you
are the 1 who wants therelationship to either change or
be different, and you're totallyin charge of you.
I understand some of thefrustration about wanting other
(28:37):
people to change and bedifferent.
But you can either wait aroundfor them to change and be
different, or you can take someof this into your hands and make
some of the changes that youwant to do.
So when you are going to takethis these requests for
something else that you want toyour partner.
(29:01):
I suggest you think about it inthis way.
Having the conversation in a lowstakes when tensions are not
high, when there is noactivation in your relationship.
And I said this sentenceearlier, and I'll say it again.
(29:21):
This could work with anyconversation or, sorry, any type
of relationship.
I've been thinking about ourrelationship, and I have a few
ideas that would bring us closeror that would give us a better
working relationship.
I've been thinking about ourworking relationship, and I
think I have some ideas thatmight smooth over or make our
(29:44):
relationship easier.
And then naming some of thethings that you want.
Looking back at that list ofsome of the things that aren't
working, what would you startwith?
And having that conversation ina low stakes way when the
tensions are not high andoffering a suggestion.
(30:07):
Because, again, this is part ofseeing whether or not the other
person has the same goal and hasthe same capacity for changing
in the relationship.
I think that if you will look atthis part of the relationship
process as, like, research mode,it will be a little bit easier
(30:31):
for you.
You are trying to find outwhether or not this thing that
you have proposed in like ascientific exploration kind of
way.
Remember you have yourhypothesis.
Hey.
I think this will work.
Then you run the test.
Then you get the data and youexamine it and you evaluate.
Did it work?
(30:52):
Did it give me the result that Iwas hoping we would get?
If it did, great.
Let's do more of it.
Now it goes into the category ofwhat is working for us.
If it didn't, why didn't itwork?
Is there something that I couldchange or do differently and try
again so that I could get abetter experience?
(31:12):
Treating it as a research modetime in your relationship, I
think helps mitigate some of theanxiety that we feel around
taking the risk.
I hope that these things havebeen helpful.
I'll go through them again justkind of as a summary.
Number 1, make sure that youknow your reasons for wanting to
(31:34):
keep or to continue to invest inthe relationship.
Number 2, do an assessment ofwhat is working and do more of
that.
Number 3, do an assessment ofwhat is not working, and then
meet some of your own needs forthat first, and then take your
requests for what you want tothe other person.
(31:58):
Because number 4, you're alsofinding out what their goal is
for your relationship anddetermining their capacity for
the changes you want to make,always holding in mind, you are
holding the ultimate card, Ace,that you always have the last
(32:19):
say about whether or not youwant to be in a relationship
with a person who does a certainthing, who acts a certain way,
because acceptance of who theyare might just be the thing that
you need to be able to continueon in having a relationship with
them.
Now there are all kinds ofcaveats to this.
(32:41):
This does not apply torelationships of abuse where you
are being abused physically,emotionally, mentally,
financially, this does not work.
You are not trying to get lessabuse in your relationship.
Right?
That that is a place where youneed the hope of a professional
(33:03):
to intervene.
So please do not take this andtry to use it in relationships
where you're being abused.
This has worked for me inmultiple relationships, in
multiple, um, different types ofrelationships.
And if you decide to try some ofthe things that I've talked
about, I would love it if youwould send me a DM.
(33:25):
Uh, Instagram was a great placeto find me, and just let me know
What happened?
What worked?
What didn't work?
And if I can offer any follow-upin DMs, I'm happy to do that.
As always, Thank you so much forlistening.
I'll see you next week.
You are listening to the Ex GoodGirl podcast episode 55.
This episode has been brewingfor a long time, And it seems
like in the past couple weeks,I've had this conversation in 3
or 4 different coaching sessionsthat I've done with Individual
clients and in my group coachingprogram stop people pleasing,
(00:22):
and so I just thought, okay.
It's time.
It's time to put this into wordsand, Uh, get it out there so
that it's something that we canbe thinking about together and
working on together becauseEvery single 1 of us are in
relationships.
And I've given this episode thetitle, how to remodel a
(00:43):
relationship, Not because I'mabout to offer you the
definitive, uh, end all be allepisode on how to Make a
difference in yourrelationships, but because I
think I have some good ideasabout how to move the needle
forward.
And anytime we are trying tomake a difference in a
relationship with another personwhere we don't control that
(01:06):
other person, what we do is wetry things and we evaluate how
it works.
We think of something that mightpossibly help.
We try it and we evaluate theeffect that it had.
And we either, um, you know,change it up a little so that we
can try it again, or we move onto finding something else.
So What I hope to give you inthis episode are 4 places where
(01:31):
you can make a difference inwhat ever relationship you are
in that needs a remodel.
Now I have worked with a clientthis week on a family
relationship, Another clientwith a romantic relationship,
another client with a workrelationship.
So this works no matter whattype of relationship we are
(01:52):
talking king about friendships,family relationships, work
relationships, romanticrelationships, um, Across the
board, whenever you are in arelationship with someone else,
there's always places where youhave some power to affect some
change.
Now I wanna give you a couplepieces of information for
(02:16):
context that just kind of set upour conversation.
Context piece number 1.
As humans, we are wired forconnection.
It is not optional.
Our needs cannot be met alone.
We are meant to haverelationships with other people,
(02:38):
All different kinds,friendships, romantic, um,
family, because the need that wehave to belong, To have
connection, to have friendships,to have intimacy, to have
pleasure, to have, um, a placeof community is that is the
entire human race.
(03:00):
And we are also meant to haveindependence.
So we're meant to Actually, moveback and forth between
interdependence connected placesof relationship and belonging
with other people Andindependence, where we can meet
some of our own needs and wherewe know who we are as an
(03:20):
individual, and we can pursuehobbies and desires that are
that are just ours.
So if you think about the idealhuman experience, it's
pendulating or moving back andforth between independence and
interdependence.
We are meant to be able to meetsome of our needs alone and some
(03:41):
in relationships.
Piece of context number 2.
Women are overly tasked withbeing the caretakers of
relationships.
There is the Assumption thatwomen are better nurturers, that
women have more access to theiremotions and can express
themselves better, are moreemotionally intelligent.
(04:04):
Might that be true of certainwomen?
Yes.
Um, I don't think it was true ofme for, um, for a long time.
And if you are a woman orsomeone a human raised as a
woman, you might have felt thepressure to be the caretaker of
relationships.
And I just wanna name thatbecause you get to pick whether
(04:27):
or not you want to do that.
Just because you identify withthe gender of being a woman, it
doesn't mean that you're incharge of relationships you get
to pick.
Piece of context number 3.
You always have the last say inwhether or not to keep a
(04:48):
relationship.
Always forever period the end.
So Even if you try a lot ofthings and you feel like they
don't work, you still have thelast say, that is always your
final right is to pick, tochoose, to invest in any
(05:09):
relationship no matter how howit is for any reason that you
like.
So a lot of times women arereluctant to invest in a
relationship because they have asense that they don't wanna keep
it anyway, but they feelobligated because women are
overly tasked with being thecaretakers of relationships.
(05:31):
And what I just want you to keepand hold for yourself is, like,
the final ace.
Right?
Your final card that you canplay is always you have the last
say always in whether or not tokeep a relationship.
Piece of context number 4.
We have a western model ofliving that has a healthy dose
(05:55):
of individualism in it.
And I am not saying that that isgood or bad.
I think there's evidence forboth.
But that individualistic way ofkind of going about our lives
gives our relationships Somestrain sometimes because there
is a desire to be strong andself sufficient and not need
(06:19):
other people and not beperceived as needy within this
model of, like, very independentliving.
And sometimes that bites us inthe butt because remember, we're
wired for connection.
And so sometimes the tension Jinis and this was very much the
tension for me.
I want to be impermeable tohurt.
(06:42):
Right?
I wanna be very So selfsufficient, very strong, no 1
can hurt me, and I also wannahave a relationship where I'm
close and vulnerable.
Can you see how those those 2,um, ideas can't exist in the
same place.
And so within this reallywestern model of being, you
know, strong and selfsufficient, we have to open up
(07:05):
to the idea a little bit morethat any deepening of a
relationship, any growth in arelationship is risky.
Key.
We could be hurt.
We could be, um, misunderstood.
We could end up facing loss.
And so Just the tension betweenwanting to be in relationships
(07:26):
but not wanting to be hurtbecause we have this really
independence minded way that alot of us in the United States
or in the western part of theworld have grown up.
I just want to name that aswell.
So With that context in mind,here are the 4 things that I
want to offer for you to try todo some research on and to do
(07:49):
some evaluation around.
Number 1, when you're looking atany relationship, work, family,
friendship, intimate, whatever,what are your reasons for
wanting to keep or to continueto invest in that relationship.
I feel like this is theessential place to start.
(08:11):
The other 3 steps you can dothose in any order.
I don't really think it matters,but this 1 is the place to start
because oftentimes especially asa human trained up to be a good
girl and a good wife and a goodmother, I had the belief that I
had to keep all myrelationships.
Like, I had to, uh, nurture allof them.
(08:32):
I had to invest in all of them,and that it was bad, that I was
a bad friend if I didn't wannabe friends anymore, that I was a
bad, uh, whatever, you know, ifI if I wanted some distance.
And so it's really important toget clear on what your reasons
are for wanting to keep or tocontinue to invest in that
(08:53):
relationship.
This became really clear to mewhen, um, this is now, like, 8
years ago.
My husband decided that he nolonger wanted to participate in
the church that we had both beenraised in, married in, raised
our children in, kind of thething we thought we were gonna
do forever and ever together,the Mormon church.
(09:16):
Uh, he had some really validissues that led to his decision
to want to leave, and this wasthe first thing I had to do.
Because for better or for worse,I had been raised to believe
that my whole life would bewalking this particular
religious path with him.
And then now that it wasn'tgoing to be anymore, I needed to
(09:38):
really get clear on, do I wantto be married to him as he is,
you know, not attending Mormonchurch anymore?
The answer was yes.
But that time that I gave myselfto really get clear on my
reasons for wanting to continueto invest in our relationship,
(09:59):
that was everything because itwas hard.
There were a lot of ups anddowns or a lot of things that we
had to figure out together andnot just around, like, him not
being Mormon anymore.
Just 2 humans trying to work outa life together.
Um, so I think that this is theplace to start.
Write to down your reasons forwhy you want to keep the
(10:20):
relationship or why you want tocontinue to invest in the
relationship.
And I think those are 2different things.
Keeping a relationship meansjust letting it go as it is.
Right?
You know what?
Now that I think about thisrelationship let's say you have
a relationship with a co workerthat is a little bit awkward.
You work on projects together.
(10:41):
It's in your best interest tokeep the relationship, but not
necessarily to try and deepen itor invest in it to try and take
it to whatever next level oriteration of closeness it could
be.
Make a distinction there.
What are your reasons forwanting to keep or continue to
invest in the relationship.
And if there aren't any, thatwill be telling.
(11:03):
Right?
That you want to know what yourreasons are.
And once you know what yourreasons are that becomes the
fuel for doing these next steps.
If you're solid on having somegood reasons why you want to
invest in a relationship orcontinue to invest, it's gonna
make the next 3 steps a loteasier.
(11:24):
If you realize, you know what?
I'm not really interested ininvesting in this relationship,
but I do wanna keep it, then youdon't even have to go on to the
next 3 steps because you're justgonna let things kind of Ride
the way they are and continue,and you're gonna be fine with
that.
And then the third option youmight discover, I don't really
have Good reasons for wanting tokeep this relationship or
(11:45):
continue to invest in it.
And so I'm gonna begin theprocess of letting this
relationship go.
So once you've done that, thenext step or a next step would
be to be to do an assessment ofwhat is working in the
relationship so that you can domore of that.
(12:08):
Let's go back to the awkwardcoworker relationship.
Let's say that you know that youwant to keep that relationship
and maybe even invest in makingit better.
And what you've noticed aboutthis awkward coworker
relationship is that sometimesyou, uh, can bring your coworker
(12:31):
some kind let's say a doughnut.
I don't know.
Maybe that's the most cliche,uh, example any, you know, ever
thought of, but let's just gowith it.
So you realize Coworker reallylikes maple donuts.
And so you do an assessment.
He really likes that maple barthat I bring in.
(12:51):
I'm gonna do that a little bitmore.
In a romantic relationship, Youdo an assessment of what is
working.
1 of the things that was reallyworking for my husband and I
during, um, the kind oftumultuousness of him leaving
the church was laughing.
We laughed together a lot, andso we focused on that.
(13:12):
Because remember, Doing whatworks is always a good idea.
Right?
If it works, do more of it.
You want to be able to have someclear things that produce more
connection, more laughter, morefriendship, more belonging and
(13:32):
to do more of that.
Next, you're gonna do anassessment of what is not
working, and you're gonna lookat it in 2 different ways.
So once you have your assessmentof what is not working, let's
say, you really want moreconnection.
(13:54):
You really want your needs andwants to be better understood.
That's on your list of what isnot working.
The first way you're gonna lookat that list of what is not
working is, what part of thisthing that's not working, is
something that I could do moreof for myself.
(14:18):
What part what are the things onthis list of things that are not
working that are needs that Icould fill for myself first?
Now it's important tounderstand.
I am not suggesting that that isgoing to be the fix for
everything.
What I am suggesting is that Inthe 2 people in the
relationship, you are fully incharge of you.
(14:42):
And so we're gonna start withHow can you meet some of these
needs, these wants, thesedesires for yourself?
And let's see how that changesyour experience because we're
not in charge of the otherperson.
Now we are eventually going totake some of these things to
them as well, but we're gonnastart with you because you are
(15:02):
totally in charge of you.
So when you're looking at whatyou want more of, Where could
you give yourself moreconnection with yourself?
More spending time withyourself?
More getting to know your needsand wants.
This is a really, reallyessential place to start because
(15:23):
as people who are socialized aswomen, we are taught that our
own needs and wants aresecondary to those of everybody
around us.
And so often, I get a woman inher forties, fifties who says, I
don't even know what I want orwhat I need exactly.
Like I've spent so much of mytime and energy and effort doing
(15:45):
for other people.
I don't know.
And so that is your unique joband opportunity to find out.
Spending time with yourself,your wants, and your needs, and
asking, How can I meet this needfor myself first?
Looking around at the people inyour life who are modeling
(16:07):
meeting their own needs inhealthy ways, whether it's
people on social media, peopleyou actually know.
Like, who do I see in my lifewho seems to be doing a good job
of this and what are they doing?
What resources Do I need to beable to do more of this for
myself?
Sometimes it's a big resourcelike a therapist or a coach or
(16:29):
some kind of program that helpsyou uncover more about yourself
or take care of The stress andburnout that you feel in your
life, you know, just as anexample.
Sometimes it's a littleresource.
I bought myself a coloring book.
That is a resource so that I cantake care of my need for some
(16:52):
distraction, some creativeexpression, and I bought it for
myself.
I've been using it for a coupleweeks now.
I love to color.
I have not I don't even rememberthe last time I colored.
You know?
Maybe Elementary school, whoknows?
But when I answered thequestion, what resources do I
need to be able to do more ofWhat I need for myself, it was a
(17:16):
coloring book, so I bought it.
When you answer that question,there might be some resources
that are readily available andsome that might take a little
more time.
The next question that you canask to figure out what you can
do more of for yourself is wheredo I have habits of behavior or
(17:38):
thinking that might beobstacles.
Where do I what are the storiesthat I tell myself about my
partner that might not be thebest stories to be telling
myself.
I used to tell myself all thetime that Dan, my husband,
wasn't interested in myfeelings.
Like, he just did not care.
That was not true.
(17:58):
The real truth was I had a veryhard time expressing them, and
so it was just easier to believethat he wasn't interested.
But look at the way that youtell yourself stories about your
boss, about your mother-in-law,about your neighbor, And just be
aware that some of them might beobstacles to getting the
(18:19):
relationship that you want, andthose Thoughts and stories are
uniquely yours to work on.
Next question that you can askyourself when you're thinking
about how to do more foryourself.
What is my ideal dream way ofhow I treat myself?
What is my ideal dream way ofhow I take care of myself?
(18:42):
And how can I do more of thatfor me?
I love asking this questionbecause it directly confronts
the programming that a lot ofwomen get that The white knight.
Right?
The the the person, the savior,the the hero is gonna ride in on
the horse and save you fromwhatever hard situation you're
(19:06):
in, and you need to be thatperson for you first.
Are we gonna take this up withthe other people in our in our
relationships?
Definitely.
But we're focusing on you firstas your own white knight, as
your own hero because you havethe most control over you.
So when you think about what ismy dream ideal way of caring for
(19:28):
myself and treating myself, Whatskills or tools do I need to
develop to make that possible?
What do I need to be able to dofor me as much of what makes me
feel good and connected andknown first.
Maybe I need to develop Sometools and skills around setting
(19:48):
and maintaining boundaries.
Maybe I need to learn how totolerate sharing something that
feels vulnerable.
Maybe I need to develop theskill of asking for something
directly and not just hintingabout it.
Maybe I need to learn how to sitwith discomfort or get out of
(20:10):
black and white thinking.
Maybe I catastrophize a lot or Igo to blame and shame.
So when you think about all theways that you could take better
care of you, here those are somethings to think about because
they can make a huge difference.
My friend and colleague, MaggieReyes, uh, who's a marriage
(20:30):
coach for high achieving womenalways talks about how 1 person
changing in a relationship canchange the dynamic of that
relationship.
I have experienced that andbelieve it to be true.
So the the list that I just wentthrough are some really concrete
ways that you can take that upwith you first because we're in
(20:54):
charge of you.
At some point, There might besome things that you want to
bring up with the other peoplein your relationships because
you do want more of somethingelse from this other person.
The boss, the husband, the wife,the boyfriend, the girlfriend,
the friend doesn't matter.
(21:14):
Right?
This applies to everyone.
So when you think about what Iwant more of from the other
person, that is where you get topractice asking for what you
want.
I like this sentence.
You know, I've been thinkingabout our relationship, and I
(21:38):
have some ideas about how wecould be closer.
I've been thinking about somethings that I would like to
develop as part of making ourrelationship closer, more
connected, and I have a fewideas that I'd like to share.
And here's where you kind of gointo research mode.
(22:02):
Because the last piece ofinformation that you need, you
need to understand what theother person's goal is for your
relationship and the capacitythat they have for the changes
that you want.
So I'm giving you these last 2together.
(22:25):
Because now that we're gonna goto the other person and ask for
some of the things that we wantmore of from then, What we're
from them, what we're actuallydoing is finding out, do our
goals for this relationshipmatch?
And does the other person havethe capacity to do some of the
things that we're gonna ask themto do?
(22:47):
Now just a word about capacity.
Someone might not have thecapacity to be vulnerable the
way that you want, and theircapacity is based on 2 things,
their willingness to develop itand their ability to develop it.
So sometimes they're willing,but they're not able.
(23:10):
They need to find more tools orget more resources for
themselves.
Other times they're not willingto develop the capacity.
And while this might be sad andthis is part of the, you know,
inherent risk in relationshipsthat I was talking about.
We actually want to know whetheror not they are willing and able
(23:35):
to develop a relationship.
Because if they're not, that isinformation we want to be able
to use in our decision makingprocess.
And while it might feel sad,what I want you to think about
is being in a relationship whereyou don't know if they're
(23:55):
willing or able, that often isthe stuck feeling that so many
of us experience.
It's because we don't know ifthey want our relationship to be
better or if they're capable ofit being better.
So we want the data that comesfrom initiating some of these
(24:17):
conversations and changesbecause either way, we will get
to decide I wanna continueforward and invest in this
relationship because the personhas the capacity and our
relationship goals match.
Or You know what?
I'm just gonna let this ride orI'm not gonna invest in it
anymore because I see now thatthis other person we don't have
(24:38):
the same relationship goals andthere might not be the capacity
for it.
So the other reason that thismatters is that Having
relationship goals for someoneelse that they do not share is a
recipe for disaster.
(24:58):
It's just not something that theother person is capable of.
Let me give you an example.
My late mother-in-law was 1 ofthe most beautiful people and
the most generous and caringpeople that I've ever met.
And when we moved Closer tothem, we moved from Texas to
(25:18):
Arizona.
I had all of these dreams in mybrain about What it would be
like to go over with my kids andmake cookies with grandma and
have her participate in theirlives at a really high level.
And it was a source offrustration to me that that that
(25:40):
just didn't happen.
It didn't didn't seem to be whatshe wanted.
And so I remember taking thetime to sit down and kind of
analyze our relationship andrealize, you know what?
When I ask her if We can comeover or if she wants to come
over, about half the time shesays she is busy doing other
(26:03):
things.
When I suggest activities, youknow, about Half the time, it's
really not something she wantsto do.
She doesn't really call me andinitiate phone conversations or
check ins or getting together oractivity.
And what that evaluation allowedme to see was, you know what?
I just don't think we have thesame goals.
(26:26):
I wanted to be much moreconnected, much more actively
involved in each other's lives,and she just didn't.
And so having that data,although it made me sad because
it kinda destroyed, you know,this figment of my imagination
about the type of relationshipwe would have, what it allowed
(26:46):
me to do was to love her as shewas and to interact with her in
a way that, uh, met both of ouryou know, it I lowered my
expectations, and we were ableto have a really great
relationship that was satisfyingfor both of us.
But I had to do the evaluationand get the data that showed me
(27:10):
what it was that she was reallyinterested in.
So it is really essential towhen you're thinking about what
part of what is not working inthis relationship, do I wanna
take to my other person in thisrelationship, and do I wanna ask
for more of from them?
(27:30):
That is done at the same timethat you are thinking about,
okay, what is their goal forthis relationship?
What is their capacity to makesome of the changes that would
deepen or, um, you know, growour relationship together, and
do they really wanna do that?
So Oftentimes, this is where 1of my clients will say, well,
(27:53):
why do I have to be the 1 toinitiate this conversation or to
do this assessing andinvestigating.
Why do I have to do that?
Valid question.
Right?
And the answer that I have foryou that comes from, um, um, my
own work, is it someone has togo first.
(28:17):
Right?
And since you're the 1 incontrol of you, it just makes
sense for you to take some ofthese steps first because you
are the 1 who wants therelationship to either change or
be different, and you're totallyin charge of you.
I understand some of thefrustration about wanting other
(28:37):
people to change and bedifferent.
But you can either wait aroundfor them to change and be
different, or you can take someof this into your hands and make
some of the changes that youwant to do.
So when you are going to takethis these requests for
something else that you want toyour partner.
(29:01):
I suggest you think about it inthis way.
Having the conversation in a lowstakes when tensions are not
high, when there is noactivation in your relationship.
And I said this sentenceearlier, and I'll say it again.
(29:21):
This could work with anyconversation or, sorry, any type
of relationship.
I've been thinking about ourrelationship, and I have a few
ideas that would bring us closeror that would give us a better
working relationship.
I've been thinking about ourworking relationship, and I
think I have some ideas thatmight smooth over or make our
(29:44):
relationship easier.
And then naming some of thethings that you want.
Looking back at that list ofsome of the things that aren't
working, what would you startwith?
And having that conversation ina low stakes way when the
tensions are not high andoffering a suggestion.
(30:07):
Because, again, this is part ofseeing whether or not the other
person has the same goal and hasthe same capacity for changing
in the relationship.
I think that if you will look atthis part of the relationship
process as, like, research mode,it will be a little bit easier
(30:31):
for you.
You are trying to find outwhether or not this thing that
you have proposed in like ascientific exploration kind of
way.
Remember you have yourhypothesis.
Hey.
I think this will work.
Then you run the test.
Then you get the data and youexamine it and you evaluate.
Did it work?
(30:52):
Did it give me the result that Iwas hoping we would get?
If it did, great.
Let's do more of it.
Now it goes into the category ofwhat is working for us.
If it didn't, why didn't itwork?
Is there something that I couldchange or do differently and try
again so that I could get abetter experience?
(31:12):
Treating it as a research modetime in your relationship, I
think helps mitigate some of theanxiety that we feel around
taking the risk.
I hope that these things havebeen helpful.
I'll go through them again justkind of as a summary.
Number 1, make sure that youknow your reasons for wanting to
(31:34):
keep or to continue to invest inthe relationship.
Number 2, do an assessment ofwhat is working and do more of
that.
Number 3, do an assessment ofwhat is not working, and then
meet some of your own needs forthat first, and then take your
requests for what you want tothe other person.
(31:58):
Because number 4, you're alsofinding out what their goal is
for your relationship anddetermining their capacity for
the changes you want to make,always holding in mind, you are
holding the ultimate card, Ace,that you always have the last
(32:19):
say about whether or not youwant to be in a relationship
with a person who does a certainthing, who acts a certain way,
because acceptance of who theyare might just be the thing that
you need to be able to continueon in having a relationship with
them.
Now there are all kinds ofcaveats to this.
(32:41):
This does not apply torelationships of abuse where you
are being abused physically,emotionally, mentally,
financially, this does not work.
You are not trying to get lessabuse in your relationship.
Right?
That that is a place where youneed the hope of a professional
(33:03):
to intervene.
So please do not take this andtry to use it in relationships
where you're being abused.
This has worked for me inmultiple relationships, in
multiple, um, different types ofrelationships.
And if you decide to try some ofthe things that I've talked
about, I would love it if youwould send me a DM.
(33:25):
Uh, Instagram was a great placeto find me, and just let me know
What happened?
What worked?
What didn't work?
And if I can offer any follow-upin DMs, I'm happy to do that.
As always, Thank you so much forlistening.
I'll see you next week.
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