March 26, 2025 • 24 mins
Everyone faces emotional downturns, especially entrepreneurs. We can get caught up in a negative story. We can get caught up in an emotion that keeps us from achieving our goals. It is possible to get to that healthy place where you can feel happiness, joy, and the full spectrum of positive emotions.
Sometimes you’re going to feel anger, sometimes you’re going to feel sadness or defeat. You can come back to the joy of living and take your personal and business lives to the next level with the right strategies. I discuss some of those strategies in this episode with my guest, Dr. Dorothy A. Martin-Neville.
Dorothy A. Martin-Neville, PhD, is a speaker, author, consultant and master coach. She has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network as well as the New York Times, the Huffington Post, NBC, and ABC.
As a psychotherapist, Dr. Dorothy (or “Dr. D”) was in practice for 25+ years. As the founder of four companies, Dr. Dorothy has knowledge of the challenges facing leaders in business and in life. As a Business & Life Coach, her focus is on Mindfulness, Emotional Intelligence, and NLP.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
When Dr. D works with folks, she asks questions such as what’s that bad place about? How did you get there? What’s the story you’re telling yourself in that moment? When you’re in a bad place you’re always telling yourself a story. You need to get to the root cause of that story.
The story could be you’re focusing on one incident in your life and that’s the filter through which you see everything. So, if you were abused as a child you’re going to see abuse everywhere in your life. If somebody doesn’t return a phone call, they’re abusive. If somebody doesn’t recognize you at a networking event, they’re being abusive and so on.
We create filters through which we see the world. If you’re in a funk Dr. D’s first thought is to examine what’s going on in your life, what is it you’re caught up in? If you can look at what you’re caught up in and begin to put that in the big picture you can get context for the situation. You’ll see there’s some legitimacy to what you’re saying but there’s a whole other big picture around it. You can choose to focus on that problem piece or see it in the perspective of the bigger picture. That will help you begin to shift your focus.
Shifting Your Focus to Shift Your Story
Dr. D trains folks to do a reality check. Let’s say you’re going through a divorce. All the sudden you’re caught up in betrayal, abandonment and other similar feelings. Ok, that’s what you’re experiencing, and legitimately so. How can you get beyond that? You have the option of spending the rest of your life in that space. Or you can recognize that’s a horrible thing that’s happening, it’s not what you’ve planned for your life but it’s there. How can you get through it and come out on the other side? Where do you want to land when you reach the other side?
It’s not denial of what’s real for you in that moment. But that’s the situation that you’re in; that’s the period of life you’re going through. The funk happens when you’re caught up in a period of life and you see that as your whole life. How can you go through that and learn from it? What do you need to learn about yourself and life in general?
Answering those questions will, again, shift your focus to the bigger, more positive picture.
Challenges in Your Personal and Business Lives
When you’re an entrepreneur it’s impossible not to have problems affect both your personal and business lives. Your personal life affects your business life, and your business life affects your personal life. You need to separate the life you’re living from the reality of who you are. If you’re consumed emotionally with what’s going on in your personal life that’s time you’re taking away from your business life. Emotionally it has you in a bad head space personally instead of focusing on your business. At that point your business is paying the price.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to the Idea Clubbing podcast.
Everyone faces emotional downturns, especially entrepreneurs.
We can get caught up in a negative
story. We can get caught up in an
emotion that keeps us from achieving our goals.
In this episode, I discuss how you can
get back into that healthy place where you
are able to feel happiness, joy, and the
full spectrum of positive emotions. My guest is
(00:22):
doctor Dorothy. Dorothy a Martin Neville PhD is
a speaker,
author, consultant, and master coach. She has been
featured on the Oprah Winfrey network as well
as the New York Times, the Huffington Post,
NBC, and ABC.
As a psychotherapist,
doctor Dorothy was in practice for twenty five
plus years.
And as the founder of four companies, doctor
(00:43):
Dorothy has knowledge of the challenges facing leaders
in business and in life.
As a business and life coach, her focus
is on mindfulness, emotional intelligence, and NLP.
We dive into topics such as how to
break the pattern of telling yourself destructive stories,
why it's okay to say I need help
and get the help you need, how to
prevent yourself from slipping back into the proverbial
(01:05):
hole once you climb out, and more golden
nuggets of advice.
You're gonna love this show.
Thank you for joining me for the Idea
Climbing podcast, Doctor. D. I appreciate it. You're
most welcome. It's great to be here. We're
gonna dive into some things around how to
(01:25):
live the life and business you desire. Before
we get into the strategies, the tips, the
tactics,
as far as it goes with mental health
and mental well-being and entrepreneurship,
why is that important to you? What's your
story there?
Because I've seen how
we can get caught up in a story.
We can get caught up in
(01:45):
an emotion
that
keeps us from really being who we are,
which keeps us from achieving what it is
we wanna achieve.
So to me,
I wanna bring folks back to being in
that healthy place where they are able to
feel happy, feel joy, feel all the emotions
because sometimes we're gonna feel anger, sometimes we're
gonna feel sadness or defeated.
(02:08):
But visit those places, don't live there. Go
on back into the joy of living and
take your company and yourself to the next
level.
Well, when you say come back to the
joy of living, I'm guessing that
you're assuming some some form of self awareness.
So let's go with that. If someone realizes
I'm in a funk, whatever you wanna call
(02:28):
it, we'll just say funk, And they realize
it. Where does it where does coming back
start once someone realizes, man, I'm in a
bad place?
Well, when you look at the bad place
you're in, when I work with folks, the
first thing I have them do is look
at
what's that bad place about?
How did they get there? What's the story
they're telling themselves at the moment?
(02:49):
Because when we're in a bad place, we're
always telling ourselves a story.
And the story could be
I'm focusing on one incident of my life,
and that's a filter through which I see
everything.
So if I was,
abused as a child,
I'm gonna receive abuse everywhere in my life.
(03:11):
So somebody doesn't return a phone call, they're
abusive.
Somebody doesn't,
recognize me in a networking
meeting and they're avoiding me. They're being abusive.
They're being disloyal or whatever it may be.
We create a filter through which we see
the world.
So if you're in a funk, my first
thought is what's going on for you? What
is it you're caught up in?
(03:33):
And if we can look at what you're
caught up in
and begin to put that in the big
picture,
you
see there's some legitimacy to what you're saying,
but there's a whole
big picture around it.
And you can choose to focus on that
piece or see it in the perspective of
the bigger picture. But what do you do
(03:54):
to oh, you realize that we look at
the bigger picture. What do you do to
how do you start to shift?
And I'm using this phrase intentionally. How do
you control
your mind enough to start to shift once
you see a bigger picture?
What I do is I train folks to
do a reality check
that
right now and it could be anything. Let's
(04:14):
say you're going through a divorce.
Alright? It'd be going through a drop in
your business. It could be any anything. Right?
But let's just pick a divorce. You're going
through a divorce.
All of a sudden, you're caught up in
betrayal.
You're caught up in
abandonment. You're caught up in
feeling used. Wherever you go, some go into
(04:36):
victimization. Some go into feeling used and abused.
We each one goes to their own place
based on their early history.
And, okay, that's what you're experiencing,
legitimately
so.
How can we help you get beyond that?
Because you have the option of spending the
rest of your life in that space.
Or you can recognize
(04:56):
this is a horrible thing that's happening. It's
not what you planned for your life, but
it's what's here. So how can we help
you get through it
and come out on the other side? And
where do you wanna land on the other
side?
Right? So it's not a denial of what's
real for you at the moment,
but that's a situation you're in. That's a
period of life you're going through.
(05:18):
How can I help you get through this
period of life into the next element?
And the funk
is usually because we're caught up in a
period of life when we see that as
our whole life.
My whole life has been this divorce or
the equivalent of it.
Not really.
There were times in that relationship where you
(05:40):
were very happy. There were times in that
relationship where you had great hope. There have
been other times in your life
where you had wonderful experiences.
This is a horrible one, and I'm sure
it's not the first horrible one, but but
this is a horrible part of your life.
So how can we get you through this?
Learn from it what you need to learn
about yourself, what you need to learn about
(06:02):
life,
what you need to learn about how you
deal,
and help you come out on the other
side.
Well, what happens thinking about entrepreneurs, what happens
when life double downs on double down goes
double down on you where
something personal, now it's affecting the business. Like,
oh my god. I have business stress and
mental health to deal with. And at the
(06:22):
same time, I've got personal.
They're intertwined. What do you do in that
scenario when it's like, I got two problems
to deal with because my business is affecting
my personal, my personal is affecting my business.
What do you do in that scenario?
Well, I, what I first tried to tell
you is that it's it's impossible to have
it not.
A business life impacts our personal life and
a personal life impacts our business life, which
is why I work with both business and
(06:45):
life. If people ask, I do business and
life coaching
because they both are so intertwined.
When it feels like you're doubling down, again,
what I look an example I give out
is let's look at you sitting in this
chair. Right? You're sitting in this chair
and this is who the essence of who
you are.
(07:05):
Across the room over there
is the life you created. Across the room
over there
are the the friends you've had, the lovers
you've had, the jobs you've had, the homes
you've lived in, the groups you belong to.
All of that is the life you created.
But it's you sitting over here in this
chair.
Those are experiences you created of a journey
(07:28):
you developed.
It is not you.
So let's separate the life you're living from
the reality of who you are.
And right now that life you've created is
going through a difficult time. And, yes, if
you're consumed emotionally
and time wise
with what's going on in your personal life,
(07:48):
that's time you're taking away from your business.
Right? Whether it's a sick child or a
sick partner
or a divorce or something that's going on,
the emotionally, it has you and intellectually, it
has you over here rather than focusing on
the business.
So it really comes that yeah. And so
now the business is paying the price.
So my objective is to support you to
(08:11):
put things in perspective.
Let's
focus on the business and find a way
to do that from eight in the morning
until three or four in the afternoon.
And then
let's put the business aside and let's go
look at what's going on personally, compartmentalizing
in a healthy way. I don't mean that
as a way of life, but when you're
(08:31):
going through a very difficult time, having the
ability to compartmentalize
and let's just focus on the business for
now. What can we do to help the
business stabilize? What can we do? Because stabilization
is is the best when you're going through
an extremely difficult time. Let's keep it stable.
And if you've got a number of people
working with you, they can help it not
(08:52):
only
stabilize, but even go forward
by you allowing them to take it where
it needs to go while you're dealing with
what you need to deal with. The importance,
one, of creating a healthy team,
right, that can support you in doing that.
Whether we're talking a series of VAs or
we're talking employees
or whatever it is we're talking about depending
on the size of your company.
(09:13):
But it's it's
allowing you to have permission to hear focus
on this. You're not abandoning the personal.
Focus on this.
And then at four, I'm picking your, you
know, time, you know, louder, like, pick four.
Now let's focus on the family.
Because when we get stuck with the family
and
we're feeling guilty because we're not focusing on
(09:34):
work or at work and we're feeling guilty
because we're not focusing on family,
nobody wins, certainly not you.
So let's come on back and let's do
this and let's do that. And when you
can do that, you can stabilize
one
and have the strength to be fully present
and deal with the other. How do you
do that? How do you compart because it
(09:55):
sounds
on the surface, like, okay. I I'm I'm
thinking a lot of okay. I get it.
I have to compartmentalize.
But when you let's say you say until
05:00 is business,
it starts getting closer. How do you compartmentalize
and not let the other water just rush
into the compartment between business and personal?
Recognizing,
you know, emotional intelligence
(10:17):
is an extremely important aspect
of being grown up, being in and out.
The emotional intelligence, understanding
where do my emotions go and what kicks
them off to go there.
And recognizing
because sometimes
it takes an awareness to
have that three sixty, almost to step out
(10:38):
of your situation to look at it objectively.
To be able to see,
alright,
there's nothing I can do right now about
this situation over there. There's nothing I can
do at the moment to make it better
or worse.
It just is.
You know, if it's if it's a divorce,
it's now in the hands of the lawyers.
There's nothing I can do at the moment.
(10:59):
They're dealing with what they need to deal
with. Or if it's a sick child, I've
spoken to the hospital. I've spoken to my
my partner. I've done what I needed what
I can do right now.
Okay?
And I could go there and be with
my little one or my big one. I
could go there and be with them.
(11:19):
Right? Or not.
And it may be that they want some
time
to just do what they need to do.
And you're over here.
And as soon as you're able to,
you leave here
and you're present over there. So you're fully
present at both places.
And that becomes your learning. You're recognizing
(11:43):
that when we lose our ground, when we
lose center,
and we go into panic, we go into
fear, we start creating stories.
We start making it progressively worse. So when
you have the ability to come back,
come back to you and be present here,
(12:05):
you realize
I can't really do much over there.
I need to be here. I've seen people
who are
are building a house or buying a house.
And they can get so consumed
in the process
that they become dysfunctional.
Because everything is anxiety over will will the
(12:28):
author be accepted? Will the author be rejected?
What if and then the stories come? What
if I get this house? And what if
there's a waterline problem and nobody saw it?
What if and then all the what ifs
come in? Now I'm filled with anxiety. I
can't think clearly over here because I've got
so many anxieties about what could possibly go
wrong if I got this house.
And if I don't think about that now
(12:48):
I've got all kinds of policies what will
go wrong if I if I do get
it? If I don't get it oh my
god. Either way, I can think of 42
problems that could develop.
You're right.
Or no problems develop.
Or if one or two does,
you'll have the ability to handle it.
So let's come on back over here.
(13:10):
Let the stories go.
Let it be what it is,
and you come back. So it's an awareness
that
we all have patterns.
If my tendency is to get over anxious
and create what ifs,
then I know that's not true. That's where
I go. So the moment I see me
creating the what ifs, the moment I see
(13:31):
me getting anxious,
I recognize that's my pattern. It's not a
truth.
It's how I emotionally react rather than respond
to situations.
So that level of self awareness
of knowing
your patterns
allows you to recognize them as patterns
(13:52):
and to separate from them.
So in that case, what do you do?
You you level off, you compartmentalize
and what you just said now you realize
you're in a hole. You're not digging it
any deeper.
Right. But how do you start to climb
out once you realize you're there and you've
got it compartmentalized and at least the insanity
under control of, oh my god. You're not
freaking out anymore. But how do you start
(14:13):
to dig out of that I mean, climb
out of that hole instead of keep digging?
So
if let's talk about business.
What is the issue? Is the issue that
you're not doing effective marketing? And this is
the identifying what are the problems.
Because we can just go with it's not
the business isn't doing well. The business isn't
(14:34):
doing well. Okay.
Alright. You can run around in a circle
or we can sit down and say,
why?
What's going on?
Do you need to hire a marketing person?
Do you need to hire a salesperson?
Do you need to depending on the size
of the company, do you need to hire
a general manager?
Because you realize
(14:54):
you're really good at leading, but you're not
good at managing.
Or maybe you're good at managing, but you're
not good at leading. So who can you
bring in? You know, what what am I
missing?
Which doesn't make me inadequate or inept?
What am I missing?
And who do I need to bring in
to support me to get where it is
I wanna go? And if that's not the
(15:15):
state of your business yet,
it's alright,
what needs to be done?
What needs to be done? And you may
or may not know it when you stop
in the silence and look at the picture
literally laid out on your desk.
So you bring in somebody to help you
have a bigger vision to help guide you
and take you where you need to go.
(15:37):
And all of a sudden,
you're not caught in the muck in the
mire.
Not only are you not digging, you're no
longer caught
because you took some time to sit down
and take a look at
and recognize if need be that you don't
have the skills at the moment to see
your way through this.
So do you have a mentor? Do you
(15:57):
belong to a networking group where you can
ask questions of others?
Right? Do you need to hire a coach
to come in and support you?
It's okay to say I need help. I
can't see clearly right now
And get the help you need.
You know, but we don't know that until
we stop. Because when we get caught up
in the emotions
(16:19):
and just get anxious, yeah, we are stuck.
And the fact is when we're in that
place, we can't intellectually get ourselves out
because the fear is too strong.
So bring in somebody. Sometimes I have found
it's just having a great conversation with somebody
who has more wisdom and more experience.
And that's really all it takes. It doesn't
(16:40):
take a year of planning.
It takes one solid conversation with somebody.
And sometimes that one solid conversation
can help you set a plan
or can identify who you could bring in
temporarily
to support you
in getting greater clarity and getting out of
the situation your company is in.
(17:00):
There's always a way to deal.
We don't always see it,
but there's always a way to deal.
Is it the same for personal? I mean,
is it the same, you know, talk it
through, find some help, or are there other
things as far as climbing out of the
personal hole once you you stop the madness
and compartmentalize?
Same thing or different?
It's the same thing, you know, and depending,
(17:22):
you know, after
twenty plus years seeing 42 patients a week,
I can tell you I've seen a few
different scenarios
of ways to do this. Right?
But for each one of them, whatever that
is, you know, in in an abusive relationship,
in a relationship that's going nowhere, in a
relationship
that just isn't working,
(17:44):
or
my personal life, I want this $1,000,000 home,
and I can only afford a $500,000
home. Alright. Let's take a look at that.
What if you bought a $400,000
home right now?
That's nice, that you can make into your
beautiful place
and bring it up.
(18:04):
Start getting equity. Start getting
improve it. Start doing what you need to
do and start saving so that you can
get that million dollar home later.
And the setup is when I want what
I want now.
Alright.
You will probably find somebody that will allow
you to buy that. And now you're gonna
be filled with vast anxiety, because how can
(18:26):
you support it? How can you keep going?
Right? So let's look at the dreams. Let's
look at what you want in your life.
Let's look at what's going on in your
life. And how can we logistically
and emotionally,
both prepare you because I'm really a pragmatist.
I'm very much a theorist, but I and
a spiritualist, but I'm also a pragmatist.
(18:49):
Alright. So let's look at
how can you
pragmatically
get to that dream that you want.
And it may not be today, and that
can frustrate you when the three year old
child can come out and get angry because
I want what I want when I want
it. Alright?
So welcome. Enjoy those few moments of kicking,
screaming,
and then take a deep breath and come
(19:09):
on back.
You can have it, but let's look at
the time frame. Let's look at what happens.
You know? So it really there's always a
way to deal. I truly believe it.
Every I I raise my kids to believe
that we don't do crises here.
We have big problems, and we have little
problems. And every problem has a solution. Mhmm.
(19:30):
So let's figure out, is this a big
problem or a little problem? And then let's
figure out a solution.
So once you figure out the solution, you're
out, you're on solid ground.
How do you stay there and prevent from
slipping back down?
You've got to know what you need to
bring in to keep you there. And every
(19:50):
one of us is different.
Every single one of us is different.
And,
that's part of that emotional intelligence development. That's
part of the mindfulness that takes place.
That if I know
that I can go into I know of
myself personally.
If I start feeling
overwhelmed,
(20:11):
I know the very first thing I need
to do is to get out a piece
of paper
and write down all the things that are
on my
list at the moment, all my agenda.
Write it down.
And what I do is I've got 16
things on that list. I start with the
easiest,
then the next easiest, then the next easiest.
And someone else will start with the hardest.
(20:32):
My feeling for me, not the right way,
my way. I deal with the easiest and
then up. And so when I can begin
to see I wanna because it may be
a phone call.
It may be as simple as throwing the
laundry in the machine. Right? It could be
anything.
As I start doing it and I'm thinking
I'm on a roll.
And now that I see me on a
roll, that difficult thing is just part of
(20:52):
the roll. It's not all that hard. If
I started with the hardest one, it's easy
to get discouraged because it's so complicated. I'm
never gonna get to the rest of the
list. So for me, I start with the
easiest. Somebody else does it differently.
No right one right way to do this.
For me, that works.
If I start going into,
a depression or, oh my god, there's so
much to be done.
(21:13):
I put on Mamma Mia. First song in,
she's just walking to the boardwalk and already
I'm back. Alright? I just need ten minutes
and I'm back. And it's as if I've
had a great night sleep. I'm back and
I'm ready to roll. So it's for you.
What is it?
Because there are times
for me, it's calling a girlfriend.
Just sitting down and talking and maybe whining
(21:36):
or complaining.
And I end up in a few minutes
later laughing.
Alright? And it may be the movie. It
may be going out to make getting out
of the office, going in to make a
cup of tea.
So that coming back, I come back with
a fresh perspective.
Alright? It's you knowing what do you need
because every one of us is different.
(21:56):
So it's you taking the time to discover
this works for me.
This doesn't. For some, it's a video game.
You know? That's not my shtick. For somebody
else, it's a video game. If that's yours,
go play a game. But I've got so
much work to do. Yes.
But if you go play a game
and your mind goes elsewhere, when you come
back, you're gonna be so much more efficient
(22:18):
that you're gonna not only make up for
the time you spent over there. You're gonna
go so much faster than if you just
stayed here in a funk and did nothing.
So it's knowing yourself well enough
to do that. That level of self awareness
allows you also to have clarity of vision,
allows you to recognize
(22:41):
exactly where it is you wanna go,
and step by step exactly what you need
to get there.
That is awesome. I mean, we have covered
such a lot of ground in such a
short period of time.
Someone's watching or listening. They love it. You
know, the before, the during, the after. When
it comes to creating the life and business
you desire and the mental health that's involved
(23:03):
with it,
if someone whether it's reinforcing something you said
or something we haven't touched on yet, Someone's
like, I I get all this, the process.
If you were to say if you're if
you're in a funk or you need help,
at least do this one thing above all
else, at least just start here and do
this. What would you tell them to do?
Take a deep breath
and step back and take a look at
(23:24):
the full situation.
Not just at whatever it is that one
thing
that's in front of you like a a
blaring red flag.
Step back, take a look,
see it for what it is, put it
in the big picture.
And now that you can see it, you've
stepped out of the drama, you've stepped out
of the crises,
(23:44):
and you're now able to see it and
then begin the process of dealing with it.
Whether you can do that alone, or or
you need to bring somebody in,
decide what that is
and know that there's always somebody willing to
help.
This has been excellent. If people wanna find
you online, where's the best place or places
to go?
That I'm on LinkedIn.
(24:05):
Dorothy a Martin Neville. My website, askdoctordorothy.com.
I'm there.
Thank you very much. This has been excellent,
doctor D. I appreciate you.
You are so welcome. Thanks so very much.
It's been great.
And scene.
(24:30):
Thank you for joining us today. I hope
you enjoyed the episode. I also hope that
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Welcome to the Idea Clubbing podcast.
Everyone faces emotional downturns, especially entrepreneurs.
We can get caught up in a negative
story. We can get caught up in an
emotion that keeps us from achieving our goals.
In this episode, I discuss how you can
get back into that healthy place where you
are able to feel happiness, joy, and the
full spectrum of positive emotions. My guest is
(00:22):
doctor Dorothy. Dorothy a Martin Neville PhD is
a speaker,
author, consultant, and master coach. She has been
featured on the Oprah Winfrey network as well
as the New York Times, the Huffington Post,
NBC, and ABC.
As a psychotherapist,
doctor Dorothy was in practice for twenty five
plus years.
And as the founder of four companies, doctor
(00:43):
Dorothy has knowledge of the challenges facing leaders
in business and in life.
As a business and life coach, her focus
is on mindfulness, emotional intelligence, and NLP.
We dive into topics such as how to
break the pattern of telling yourself destructive stories,
why it's okay to say I need help
and get the help you need, how to
prevent yourself from slipping back into the proverbial
(01:05):
hole once you climb out, and more golden
nuggets of advice.
You're gonna love this show.
Thank you for joining me for the Idea
Climbing podcast, Doctor. D. I appreciate it. You're
most welcome. It's great to be here. We're
gonna dive into some things around how to
(01:25):
live the life and business you desire. Before
we get into the strategies, the tips, the
tactics,
as far as it goes with mental health
and mental well-being and entrepreneurship,
why is that important to you? What's your
story there?
Because I've seen how
we can get caught up in a story.
We can get caught up in
(01:45):
an emotion
that
keeps us from really being who we are,
which keeps us from achieving what it is
we wanna achieve.
So to me,
I wanna bring folks back to being in
that healthy place where they are able to
feel happy, feel joy, feel all the emotions
because sometimes we're gonna feel anger, sometimes we're
gonna feel sadness or defeated.
(02:08):
But visit those places, don't live there. Go
on back into the joy of living and
take your company and yourself to the next
level.
Well, when you say come back to the
joy of living, I'm guessing that
you're assuming some some form of self awareness.
So let's go with that. If someone realizes
I'm in a funk, whatever you wanna call
(02:28):
it, we'll just say funk, And they realize
it. Where does it where does coming back
start once someone realizes, man, I'm in a
bad place?
Well, when you look at the bad place
you're in, when I work with folks, the
first thing I have them do is look
at
what's that bad place about?
How did they get there? What's the story
they're telling themselves at the moment?
(02:49):
Because when we're in a bad place, we're
always telling ourselves a story.
And the story could be
I'm focusing on one incident of my life,
and that's a filter through which I see
everything.
So if I was,
abused as a child,
I'm gonna receive abuse everywhere in my life.
(03:11):
So somebody doesn't return a phone call, they're
abusive.
Somebody doesn't,
recognize me in a networking
meeting and they're avoiding me. They're being abusive.
They're being disloyal or whatever it may be.
We create a filter through which we see
the world.
So if you're in a funk, my first
thought is what's going on for you? What
is it you're caught up in?
(03:33):
And if we can look at what you're
caught up in
and begin to put that in the big
picture,
you
see there's some legitimacy to what you're saying,
but there's a whole
big picture around it.
And you can choose to focus on that
piece or see it in the perspective of
the bigger picture. But what do you do
(03:54):
to oh, you realize that we look at
the bigger picture. What do you do to
how do you start to shift?
And I'm using this phrase intentionally. How do
you control
your mind enough to start to shift once
you see a bigger picture?
What I do is I train folks to
do a reality check
that
right now and it could be anything. Let's
(04:14):
say you're going through a divorce.
Alright? It'd be going through a drop in
your business. It could be any anything. Right?
But let's just pick a divorce. You're going
through a divorce.
All of a sudden, you're caught up in
betrayal.
You're caught up in
abandonment. You're caught up in
feeling used. Wherever you go, some go into
(04:36):
victimization. Some go into feeling used and abused.
We each one goes to their own place
based on their early history.
And, okay, that's what you're experiencing,
legitimately
so.
How can we help you get beyond that?
Because you have the option of spending the
rest of your life in that space.
Or you can recognize
(04:56):
this is a horrible thing that's happening. It's
not what you planned for your life, but
it's what's here. So how can we help
you get through it
and come out on the other side? And
where do you wanna land on the other
side?
Right? So it's not a denial of what's
real for you at the moment,
but that's a situation you're in. That's a
period of life you're going through.
(05:18):
How can I help you get through this
period of life into the next element?
And the funk
is usually because we're caught up in a
period of life when we see that as
our whole life.
My whole life has been this divorce or
the equivalent of it.
Not really.
There were times in that relationship where you
(05:40):
were very happy. There were times in that
relationship where you had great hope. There have
been other times in your life
where you had wonderful experiences.
This is a horrible one, and I'm sure
it's not the first horrible one, but but
this is a horrible part of your life.
So how can we get you through this?
Learn from it what you need to learn
about yourself, what you need to learn about
(06:02):
life,
what you need to learn about how you
deal,
and help you come out on the other
side.
Well, what happens thinking about entrepreneurs, what happens
when life double downs on double down goes
double down on you where
something personal, now it's affecting the business. Like,
oh my god. I have business stress and
mental health to deal with. And at the
(06:22):
same time, I've got personal.
They're intertwined. What do you do in that
scenario when it's like, I got two problems
to deal with because my business is affecting
my personal, my personal is affecting my business.
What do you do in that scenario?
Well, I, what I first tried to tell
you is that it's it's impossible to have
it not.
A business life impacts our personal life and
a personal life impacts our business life, which
is why I work with both business and
(06:45):
life. If people ask, I do business and
life coaching
because they both are so intertwined.
When it feels like you're doubling down, again,
what I look an example I give out
is let's look at you sitting in this
chair. Right? You're sitting in this chair
and this is who the essence of who
you are.
(07:05):
Across the room over there
is the life you created. Across the room
over there
are the the friends you've had, the lovers
you've had, the jobs you've had, the homes
you've lived in, the groups you belong to.
All of that is the life you created.
But it's you sitting over here in this
chair.
Those are experiences you created of a journey
(07:28):
you developed.
It is not you.
So let's separate the life you're living from
the reality of who you are.
And right now that life you've created is
going through a difficult time. And, yes, if
you're consumed emotionally
and time wise
with what's going on in your personal life,
(07:48):
that's time you're taking away from your business.
Right? Whether it's a sick child or a
sick partner
or a divorce or something that's going on,
the emotionally, it has you and intellectually, it
has you over here rather than focusing on
the business.
So it really comes that yeah. And so
now the business is paying the price.
So my objective is to support you to
(08:11):
put things in perspective.
Let's
focus on the business and find a way
to do that from eight in the morning
until three or four in the afternoon.
And then
let's put the business aside and let's go
look at what's going on personally, compartmentalizing
in a healthy way. I don't mean that
as a way of life, but when you're
(08:31):
going through a very difficult time, having the
ability to compartmentalize
and let's just focus on the business for
now. What can we do to help the
business stabilize? What can we do? Because stabilization
is is the best when you're going through
an extremely difficult time. Let's keep it stable.
And if you've got a number of people
working with you, they can help it not
(08:52):
only
stabilize, but even go forward
by you allowing them to take it where
it needs to go while you're dealing with
what you need to deal with. The importance,
one, of creating a healthy team,
right, that can support you in doing that.
Whether we're talking a series of VAs or
we're talking employees
or whatever it is we're talking about depending
on the size of your company.
(09:13):
But it's it's
allowing you to have permission to hear focus
on this. You're not abandoning the personal.
Focus on this.
And then at four, I'm picking your, you
know, time, you know, louder, like, pick four.
Now let's focus on the family.
Because when we get stuck with the family
and
we're feeling guilty because we're not focusing on
(09:34):
work or at work and we're feeling guilty
because we're not focusing on family,
nobody wins, certainly not you.
So let's come on back and let's do
this and let's do that. And when you
can do that, you can stabilize
one
and have the strength to be fully present
and deal with the other. How do you
do that? How do you compart because it
(09:55):
sounds
on the surface, like, okay. I I'm I'm
thinking a lot of okay. I get it.
I have to compartmentalize.
But when you let's say you say until
05:00 is business,
it starts getting closer. How do you compartmentalize
and not let the other water just rush
into the compartment between business and personal?
Recognizing,
you know, emotional intelligence
(10:17):
is an extremely important aspect
of being grown up, being in and out.
The emotional intelligence, understanding
where do my emotions go and what kicks
them off to go there.
And recognizing
because sometimes
it takes an awareness to
have that three sixty, almost to step out
(10:38):
of your situation to look at it objectively.
To be able to see,
alright,
there's nothing I can do right now about
this situation over there. There's nothing I can
do at the moment to make it better
or worse.
It just is.
You know, if it's if it's a divorce,
it's now in the hands of the lawyers.
There's nothing I can do at the moment.
(10:59):
They're dealing with what they need to deal
with. Or if it's a sick child, I've
spoken to the hospital. I've spoken to my
my partner. I've done what I needed what
I can do right now.
Okay?
And I could go there and be with
my little one or my big one. I
could go there and be with them.
(11:19):
Right? Or not.
And it may be that they want some
time
to just do what they need to do.
And you're over here.
And as soon as you're able to,
you leave here
and you're present over there. So you're fully
present at both places.
And that becomes your learning. You're recognizing
(11:43):
that when we lose our ground, when we
lose center,
and we go into panic, we go into
fear, we start creating stories.
We start making it progressively worse. So when
you have the ability to come back,
come back to you and be present here,
(12:05):
you realize
I can't really do much over there.
I need to be here. I've seen people
who are
are building a house or buying a house.
And they can get so consumed
in the process
that they become dysfunctional.
Because everything is anxiety over will will the
(12:28):
author be accepted? Will the author be rejected?
What if and then the stories come? What
if I get this house? And what if
there's a waterline problem and nobody saw it?
What if and then all the what ifs
come in? Now I'm filled with anxiety. I
can't think clearly over here because I've got
so many anxieties about what could possibly go
wrong if I got this house.
And if I don't think about that now
(12:48):
I've got all kinds of policies what will
go wrong if I if I do get
it? If I don't get it oh my
god. Either way, I can think of 42
problems that could develop.
You're right.
Or no problems develop.
Or if one or two does,
you'll have the ability to handle it.
So let's come on back over here.
(13:10):
Let the stories go.
Let it be what it is,
and you come back. So it's an awareness
that
we all have patterns.
If my tendency is to get over anxious
and create what ifs,
then I know that's not true. That's where
I go. So the moment I see me
creating the what ifs, the moment I see
(13:31):
me getting anxious,
I recognize that's my pattern. It's not a
truth.
It's how I emotionally react rather than respond
to situations.
So that level of self awareness
of knowing
your patterns
allows you to recognize them as patterns
(13:52):
and to separate from them.
So in that case, what do you do?
You you level off, you compartmentalize
and what you just said now you realize
you're in a hole. You're not digging it
any deeper.
Right. But how do you start to climb
out once you realize you're there and you've
got it compartmentalized and at least the insanity
under control of, oh my god. You're not
freaking out anymore. But how do you start
(14:13):
to dig out of that I mean, climb
out of that hole instead of keep digging?
So
if let's talk about business.
What is the issue? Is the issue that
you're not doing effective marketing? And this is
the identifying what are the problems.
Because we can just go with it's not
the business isn't doing well. The business isn't
(14:34):
doing well. Okay.
Alright. You can run around in a circle
or we can sit down and say,
why?
What's going on?
Do you need to hire a marketing person?
Do you need to hire a salesperson?
Do you need to depending on the size
of the company, do you need to hire
a general manager?
Because you realize
(14:54):
you're really good at leading, but you're not
good at managing.
Or maybe you're good at managing, but you're
not good at leading. So who can you
bring in? You know, what what am I
missing?
Which doesn't make me inadequate or inept?
What am I missing?
And who do I need to bring in
to support me to get where it is
I wanna go? And if that's not the
(15:15):
state of your business yet,
it's alright,
what needs to be done?
What needs to be done? And you may
or may not know it when you stop
in the silence and look at the picture
literally laid out on your desk.
So you bring in somebody to help you
have a bigger vision to help guide you
and take you where you need to go.
(15:37):
And all of a sudden,
you're not caught in the muck in the
mire.
Not only are you not digging, you're no
longer caught
because you took some time to sit down
and take a look at
and recognize if need be that you don't
have the skills at the moment to see
your way through this.
So do you have a mentor? Do you
(15:57):
belong to a networking group where you can
ask questions of others?
Right? Do you need to hire a coach
to come in and support you?
It's okay to say I need help. I
can't see clearly right now
And get the help you need.
You know, but we don't know that until
we stop. Because when we get caught up
in the emotions
(16:19):
and just get anxious, yeah, we are stuck.
And the fact is when we're in that
place, we can't intellectually get ourselves out
because the fear is too strong.
So bring in somebody. Sometimes I have found
it's just having a great conversation with somebody
who has more wisdom and more experience.
And that's really all it takes. It doesn't
(16:40):
take a year of planning.
It takes one solid conversation with somebody.
And sometimes that one solid conversation
can help you set a plan
or can identify who you could bring in
temporarily
to support you
in getting greater clarity and getting out of
the situation your company is in.
(17:00):
There's always a way to deal.
We don't always see it,
but there's always a way to deal.
Is it the same for personal? I mean,
is it the same, you know, talk it
through, find some help, or are there other
things as far as climbing out of the
personal hole once you you stop the madness
and compartmentalize?
Same thing or different?
It's the same thing, you know, and depending,
(17:22):
you know, after
twenty plus years seeing 42 patients a week,
I can tell you I've seen a few
different scenarios
of ways to do this. Right?
But for each one of them, whatever that
is, you know, in in an abusive relationship,
in a relationship that's going nowhere, in a
relationship
that just isn't working,
(17:44):
or
my personal life, I want this $1,000,000 home,
and I can only afford a $500,000
home. Alright. Let's take a look at that.
What if you bought a $400,000
home right now?
That's nice, that you can make into your
beautiful place
and bring it up.
(18:04):
Start getting equity. Start getting
improve it. Start doing what you need to
do and start saving so that you can
get that million dollar home later.
And the setup is when I want what
I want now.
Alright.
You will probably find somebody that will allow
you to buy that. And now you're gonna
be filled with vast anxiety, because how can
(18:26):
you support it? How can you keep going?
Right? So let's look at the dreams. Let's
look at what you want in your life.
Let's look at what's going on in your
life. And how can we logistically
and emotionally,
both prepare you because I'm really a pragmatist.
I'm very much a theorist, but I and
a spiritualist, but I'm also a pragmatist.
(18:49):
Alright. So let's look at
how can you
pragmatically
get to that dream that you want.
And it may not be today, and that
can frustrate you when the three year old
child can come out and get angry because
I want what I want when I want
it. Alright?
So welcome. Enjoy those few moments of kicking,
screaming,
and then take a deep breath and come
(19:09):
on back.
You can have it, but let's look at
the time frame. Let's look at what happens.
You know? So it really there's always a
way to deal. I truly believe it.
Every I I raise my kids to believe
that we don't do crises here.
We have big problems, and we have little
problems. And every problem has a solution. Mhmm.
(19:30):
So let's figure out, is this a big
problem or a little problem? And then let's
figure out a solution.
So once you figure out the solution, you're
out, you're on solid ground.
How do you stay there and prevent from
slipping back down?
You've got to know what you need to
bring in to keep you there. And every
(19:50):
one of us is different.
Every single one of us is different.
And,
that's part of that emotional intelligence development. That's
part of the mindfulness that takes place.
That if I know
that I can go into I know of
myself personally.
If I start feeling
overwhelmed,
(20:11):
I know the very first thing I need
to do is to get out a piece
of paper
and write down all the things that are
on my
list at the moment, all my agenda.
Write it down.
And what I do is I've got 16
things on that list. I start with the
easiest,
then the next easiest, then the next easiest.
And someone else will start with the hardest.
(20:32):
My feeling for me, not the right way,
my way. I deal with the easiest and
then up. And so when I can begin
to see I wanna because it may be
a phone call.
It may be as simple as throwing the
laundry in the machine. Right? It could be
anything.
As I start doing it and I'm thinking
I'm on a roll.
And now that I see me on a
roll, that difficult thing is just part of
(20:52):
the roll. It's not all that hard. If
I started with the hardest one, it's easy
to get discouraged because it's so complicated. I'm
never gonna get to the rest of the
list. So for me, I start with the
easiest. Somebody else does it differently.
No right one right way to do this.
For me, that works.
If I start going into,
a depression or, oh my god, there's so
much to be done.
(21:13):
I put on Mamma Mia. First song in,
she's just walking to the boardwalk and already
I'm back. Alright? I just need ten minutes
and I'm back. And it's as if I've
had a great night sleep. I'm back and
I'm ready to roll. So it's for you.
What is it?
Because there are times
for me, it's calling a girlfriend.
Just sitting down and talking and maybe whining
(21:36):
or complaining.
And I end up in a few minutes
later laughing.
Alright? And it may be the movie. It
may be going out to make getting out
of the office, going in to make a
cup of tea.
So that coming back, I come back with
a fresh perspective.
Alright? It's you knowing what do you need
because every one of us is different.
(21:56):
So it's you taking the time to discover
this works for me.
This doesn't. For some, it's a video game.
You know? That's not my shtick. For somebody
else, it's a video game. If that's yours,
go play a game. But I've got so
much work to do. Yes.
But if you go play a game
and your mind goes elsewhere, when you come
back, you're gonna be so much more efficient
(22:18):
that you're gonna not only make up for
the time you spent over there. You're gonna
go so much faster than if you just
stayed here in a funk and did nothing.
So it's knowing yourself well enough
to do that. That level of self awareness
allows you also to have clarity of vision,
allows you to recognize
(22:41):
exactly where it is you wanna go,
and step by step exactly what you need
to get there.
That is awesome. I mean, we have covered
such a lot of ground in such a
short period of time.
Someone's watching or listening. They love it. You
know, the before, the during, the after. When
it comes to creating the life and business
you desire and the mental health that's involved
(23:03):
with it,
if someone whether it's reinforcing something you said
or something we haven't touched on yet, Someone's
like, I I get all this, the process.
If you were to say if you're if
you're in a funk or you need help,
at least do this one thing above all
else, at least just start here and do
this. What would you tell them to do?
Take a deep breath
and step back and take a look at
(23:24):
the full situation.
Not just at whatever it is that one
thing
that's in front of you like a a
blaring red flag.
Step back, take a look,
see it for what it is, put it
in the big picture.
And now that you can see it, you've
stepped out of the drama, you've stepped out
of the crises,
(23:44):
and you're now able to see it and
then begin the process of dealing with it.
Whether you can do that alone, or or
you need to bring somebody in,
decide what that is
and know that there's always somebody willing to
help.
This has been excellent. If people wanna find
you online, where's the best place or places
to go?
That I'm on LinkedIn.
(24:05):
Dorothy a Martin Neville. My website, askdoctordorothy.com.
I'm there.
Thank you very much. This has been excellent,
doctor D. I appreciate you.
You are so welcome. Thanks so very much.
It's been great.
And scene.
(24:30):
Thank you for joining us today. I hope
you enjoyed the episode. I also hope that
you'll subscribe to the Idea Climbing podcast and
rate us on iTunes.
Visit ideaclimbing.com
to learn more about Idea Climbing and hear
more episodes about mentoring,
marketing, and big ideas.
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