Kristen McAvoy on Healing from Alcohol and Xanax Addiction: Don't Give Up Before Your Miracle

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In this episode of the Sober Butterfly Podcast, host Nadine Mulvina interviews Kristen McAvoy, a sobriety influencer known for her transparent and inspirational posts on Instagram. Kristen candidly shares her tumultuous journey from binge drinking during her sorority days to struggling with a severe addiction to alcohol and Xanax. She recounts how her social anxiety fueled her substance abuse, leading to rock bottom and interventions which ultimately saved her. Kristen speaks about her path to almost four years of sobriety, emphasizing the critical roles of rehab, recovery houses, structured routines, connection, and ongoing tools like EMDR therapy and faith. 

The conversation also gets into:

• the struggles of maintaining sobriety, 
• managing anxiety without substances,
• and the stigmas around addiction recovery
•  transparency while understanding that sobriety, although transformative, is a continuous and challenging process.

Watch the full episode on YouTube 📹

https://youtu.be/PxX-zv8y1fA

Connect with Kristen 🎀

• Instagram @kristenlmcavoy

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Episode Transcript

the-sober-butterfly_4_03 (00:02):
Hello, hello, and welcome back to the
Sober Butterfly Podcast.
I'm your host, Nadine Mulvina,and I'm so excited for today's
episode because we have a trulyincredible guest joining us.
Kristen McAvoy, if you're onsober Instagram, chances are
you've come across Kristen inher raw, unfiltered, inspiring

(00:22):
post.
She's known for keeping it 100about her sober journey, and
today she's giving us the realunfiltered story behind it all.
In this week's episode, Kristenshares how her binge drinking
college sorority days spiraled,spiraled into a toxic cycle of
alcohol and Xanax addiction.
Fueled by her struggle withsocial anxiety, Kristen opens up

(00:45):
about hitting rock bottom, theinterventions that saved her
life, and how she found herfooting through rehab, recovery
houses, and leaning on structureand connection.
Kristen has been sober foralmost four years, which is so
incredible, and we're divinginto how she's still managing
anxiety with tools such as EMDRtherapy and her faith.

(01:08):
You already know it's about tobe a powerful, honest, and
uplifting conversation, so makesure to stick around until the
very end.
And if you're loving theseepisodes, please do me a favor
and hit that follow button,leave a review and sign up for
the newsletter to stay up todate.
Plus we're on YouTube.
Yes, I've been on YouTube, butI'm actually following through

(01:29):
and posting episodes.
So check out the full videoversion of this week's episode
as well.
All the details are in the shownotes.
Alright, let's get into my convowith Kristen.

the-sober-butterfly_2_ (01:44):
Kristen, welcome to the show.
How are you?

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (01:46):
Thank you so much.
I'm so happy to be here.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26 (01:49):
I'm so honored and happy to have you
here today, and I feel like weare in for such a treat because
I wanna get to know a bit moreabout you, Kristen, and learn a
bit more about your story youhave an amazing presence on
Instagram and I feel like youare so inspirational and offer
so many great tips and tools andjust like I think being so
forthcoming about yourexperience and struggles with,

(02:12):
dual.
Dependency or addiction when itcomes to alcohol and Xanax like
that.
Transparency is so needed and Iconnect so much to everything
that you share.
You went from binge drinking ina sorority house to battling a
full blown addiction to alcoholand Xanax to getting sober,
relapsing, and then finallyrebuilding your life.

(02:34):
I'm so excited to talk moreabout your story.
So my first question for you,Kristen, is take us way back.
Okay.
So you weren't drinking much inhigh school.
But then you hit college, joineda sorority, and boom.
Kind of talk us through whatthat shift was like.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (02:48):
Yeah, so in high school, like I really
didn't drink that much.
And pretty much when I got tocollege I just was like, oh my
gosh, I have all this freedomand I can go out whenever I want
and there's all these fun socialthings.
And I just thought I was likeliving the dream.

(03:08):
I was drinking pretty much everyday in college.
I was a blackout drinker, so itwas really scary from the
beginning.
I would blackout all the time.
I would like fill up waterbottles with just straight vodka
in, drink them before like topregame before even going out.

(03:29):
And then I would just continuedrinking through the night and
black out.
I put myself in really dangeroussituations a lot.
I almost got kicked out ofcollege for my drinking.
I think at that time since likebinge drinking was so accepted
in college, I really was justable to kind of.
Slide under the radar.
Like even when I was aroundother people who were heavily

(03:52):
drinking, people would stilllike call me out on my actions.
Even in college, I kind of knewI had a problem, but there
wasn't anyone telling me like,you need to stop drinking now.
There were lots of red flags,lots of people telling me like,
Hey, what's going on?
Like.
Hinting that I needed to drinkless.

(04:13):
But again, being in that partyscene, I really just was able to
take it and run with it.
And I mean, sometimes it wasfunny, like things I would do
and that kind of encouraged mybehavior.
Or like would get drunk and Iwould rap all the lyrics to
Nicki Minaj and like.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26 (04:31):
Oh,

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (04:32):
It was kind of

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (04:32):
I.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (04:34):
like party, and so it was kind of
like, that was so much fun thatI kind of would forget all the
bad things I was doing, youknow, with drinking too much,
blacking out, all my moralsgoing out the window like.
there was a really, really darkside to it, but I would kind of

(04:56):
mask it with the humor and funthat was happening because of
it.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (05:02):
Yeah.
That's so relatable.
I too drank a lot, binge drankin college, and I think to your
point, it feels like such anormal college experience like.
It's a rite of passage almost.
And I think like that freedom,that liberation, that sense of
independence that you feel whenyou go away for school and then
you're immersed in an ecosystemwhere other people are drinking.

(05:25):
It just feels like, yeah, thisis what I'm supposed to be
doing.
Like the media, all of theseportrayals of just like drunk
blackout college kids.
But also something that Ithought was really powerful that
you mentioned is that this ideathat.
Even though others were alsoright alongside with you
partying and drinking andpregaming and all the things,

(05:45):
there was an extreme part of it.
Like I also felt like within mysubgroup of.
Party friends.
I was always the person that wasprobably pushing the edge
further than anyone else, and Iwas always the kind of like the
butt of the jokes and oh my God,Nadine always has a story.
Or I'd be in the group chat likelast night, look at what Nadine

(06:06):
did.
I resonate a lot with this ideathat I think from the very
beginning I knew that somethingwas.
A miss, like it was more thanjust fun, right?
There was always something elseunderneath the surface that may
have been motivating me tobehave a bit more outrageous
than say some of my peers even.

(06:26):
I think we can get to like, orwe can, maybe like think through
what those reasons can be, but Iwould probably argue it was a
culmination of many differentfactors that were leading me to
drink excessively.
So thank you for sharing all ofthat with us.
And I think a lot of people,like I mentioned, can relate to
that part.
I.
So then kind of walk us through,so this is college with alcohol.

(06:50):
At what point did you startusing prescription medication
like Xanax?
Like how did that enter thepicture of the chat?
I.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (06:59):
Like in high school I had pretty bad
social anxiety.
Then when I went to college, waskind of using alcohol to mask it
and I seriously like almostforgot that I had anxiety
because I.
I

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (07:12):
Wow.
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (07:13):
every day, and in any social setting I
had that alcohol.
And so it really just took awaythat like fear that I had around
people and fear in socialsettings.
And so I had kind of just likeforgotten about my anxiety.
Like I still had it some, butonce I got into like the

(07:35):
workplace is when it reallystarted getting bad.
Because I didn't wanna, youknow, I didn't wanna drink at
work, and so I just felt reallyscared and unprepared and
insecure.
And so at work I was having thislike debilitating anxiety, like

(07:56):
was having panic attacks.
Like I would be like shaking andsweating and breaking out in
hives and I was like, this is soembarrassing.
Like I'm trying to be thisprofessional at work and then
I'm literally like having theseanxiety attacks.
And I kind of on this facadewhere I would try to make
myself, you know, appear likedressed up and put together with

(08:18):
my full face makeup on and mysmile.
And I'm like, okay, if I lookgood on the outside, like won't
know how I feel on the inside.
But then.
like I started breaking out onhives and like, like I'm
shaking.
I'm like, I can't hide thesesymptoms.
what do I do?
Like, I was just so embarrassed.

(08:39):
And so kind of how I coped withthat was I.
For years after work, I just hadthe ritual of going to the store
on my lunch break or going tothe store after work, getting
that bottle of wine.
As soon as I got off work atfive, I drive home and
immediately open the bottle,drank by myself.

(09:01):
After college, like I stilldrank socially, but this is when
The relationship with alcoholstarted to change where I really
wanted to drink alone.
I didn't want anybody to call meout on my actions and get those
texts.
Kristen did this, like I justwanted to be alone.
I wanted to drink as much as Iwant and like I lived by myself

(09:21):
when my drinking got really badand that did not help'cause I
really could just get off.
as much as I want in myapartment.
Red wine was my, what I reallystruggled with.
I.
And I think I like, kind ofjustified it.
Like I'd be like, oh, like I'mjust having red wine, like this
isn't a big deal.

(09:42):
But then like my tolerance grewand like one I needed, you know,
that two glasses, went to threeglasses, went to finishing the
whole bottle, went to openinganother bottle after that.
And it was just like this cycleof.
Drink all night after work.
Wake up like deathly hungover,like I would be literally like

(10:02):
throwing up before work.
So hungover somehow force myselfto get all ready and go.
And I have no idea how I didthat now'cause I would be
hungover like multiple days aweek.
Like for years I just repeated

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (10:17):
Same.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (10:19):
And it eventually got to the point
where I was like, the alcoholisn't enough.
Like I'm using the alcohol tocope with the anxiety, but I am
now like struggling to just, I'mjust struggling to sit on it,
sit in it.
And I had been working with thesame doctor for like a really
long time, and we had tried allof the like, you know, SSRIs,

(10:43):
like the

the-sober-butterfly_2_0 (10:44):
Mm-hmm.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (10:44):
the lexapro, all of that, and just
none of it would work.
Like, just my panic was so badthat that would just feel like I
was taking nothing.
And so she prescribed me toXanax, like as a last resort.
And you know, she warned melike, is addictive.
Like, only take it asprescribed, like when you're

(11:05):
having a panic attack.
and at first I listened to thatadvice for like probably the
first six months and.
I thought it was helping.
I thought, you know, I had foundthis magic pill that was like
solving all my problems and thatI no longer gonna have this
anxiety.
but it ended up just being likerecipe for disaster because I.

(11:29):
I all of a sudden started havingthis PTSD out of nowhere and I
had that pill bottle and I didnot know what was happening.
And it was like double panicwhat I had already been feeling.
so all the logic went out thewindow when I'm in that flight

(11:49):
or flight mode of remember whatyour doctor said, this is
addictive, like.
Did not care.
And so the more the panicstarted happening, the more I
just kept reaching for the pill.
And I think because it wasprescribed, felt like I was
doing something innocent, but,and I think I was in such like

(12:10):
desperation that I, I just likedid not care about the
consequences.
And so I started taking it like.
Way more than I should have.
At this point, I would say I wasstill like, functioning, like on
the outside, looking in.
Like I was going to work everyday.
Like I was paying my bills.
I had my own home, I was goingto church.

(12:30):
Like it looked like I was beingthis productive person, but
really I had like, had this deepsecret.
And I think the Xanax.
It was a problem from the verybeginning'cause it kind of made
me like this person I alwayswanted to be like I, it took
away all my fears, it took awaymy social anxiety, it took away

(12:51):
my stress.
It made me more outgoing.
I could literally like, give awhole presentation in front of a
huge room and be like, totallycalm, which is not me at all.
Like, it literally changed me.
And so.
I, I think I had in my headlike, I need this pill to
perform at work.

(13:11):
and it almost after a year oftaking it and abusing it, it
almost became, I don't know howthis happened, but it became
like an Adderall almost, wherethe first year it, I, it made me
really tired, but then I startedusing it to perform, like

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26 (13:28):
Oh.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (13:29):
for work, to do errands, to do
anything.
felt like I needed it, and Ithink it was because it was such
like a rush of dopamine that itjust, like, it made me feel like
I was like on this high, like Icould just do anything.
And so I became super dependenton it for the anxiety and how it

(13:49):
made me act and the productivitylevel it gave me.
and eventually.
I started abusing it to thepoint where like I would run out
of the prescription early.
I would be like going throughhorrible withdrawal, like
calling the pharmacy so sick,being that girl, trying to get
the prescription early, callingmy doctor in a panic.

(14:12):
I was really afraid that I wasgonna die from withdrawal'cause
the Xanax withdrawal was so bad.
Like I would be.
Sweating, shaking, like joltingoutta my skin when I didn't have
it.
Never got that way with alcoholwhere I felt like if I didn't
have it, I was like physicallysick or something.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (14:32):
Yeah.
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (14:34):
Xanax I did become like physically
dependent on it.
And it was really, really scary.
And after like year two, it waslike alcohol where my why can't
I think of the word?
My tolerance kept

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (14:48):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (14:49):
and I had to keep going up and up in
higher dosage and needing morepills.
And like, I got to a place whereit was just like I would take so
much Xanax, I would just likeblack out.
It would erase my whole memory.
I became like a totallydifferent person.
Like my parents saw the changes,my work, saw the changes, my
friends were seeing the changes.

(15:10):
And it just got really, reallybad.
Like I just became a shell of ahuman.
I was so depressed, so suicidal.
Like it just like, and ithappened so fast.
That was what was what scares meso much about it.
Like

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (15:25):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (15:25):
tells me, oh, I, I'm taking Xanax,
but.
I just take it now and then, andI'm like, I, I'm like, just be
so careful.
'cause I never in a millionyears thought that I would be
someone who was addicted toprescription pills.
Like it happened so fast and it,I just did not expect it to

(15:46):
happen the way it did.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (15:48):
Wow.
Thank you for sharing all ofthat, Kristen.
And I think.
As mentioned, like the insidiousnature of something like a
prescription pill that is beingmonitored by a doctor that
you're prescribed, essentially,that's supposed to be help you
and not just supposed to helpyou.
Like you started in thebeginning.
Feeling like, oh, this ishelping me with my productivity.

(16:08):
It's minimizing my anxiety.
That was so powerful when yousaid like you felt like you had
become the version of self thatyou always dreamed of or aspired
to be, but like how long didthat last, right before you
started to see the long-termimpact of your using of the
Xanax?
And I'm curious to learn fromyou.

(16:31):
Because I self-medicated aswell.
I self-medicated with alcohol.
I self-medicated with streetdrugs more so I didn't have a
prescription, but like mybaseline was.
Anytime I drink, I was lookingfor the next thing to get me to
the next level, so to speak.
I was also a blackout drinker,so I would love to learn from
you like a couple of things,like obviously when you are

(16:53):
being prescribed a, I shouldn'tsay obviously, but for folks who
don't know, when you'represcribed a controlled
substance like Xanax, you haveto have monthly meetings with a
psychiatrist, correct?

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (17:03):
No, I didn't.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (17:04):
Oh no, you didn't.
Maybe it's state by state.
That's interesting.
So like, or maybe it's the timeperiod, but like, I know for
example in New York, like if youhave a controlled substance like
Xanax, that has more of like a,a higher rate of.
Dependency.
You have to like every singlemonth meet with your
psychiatrist to get thatprescription renewed.

(17:26):
And that may be a safeguard thatthey put into place because
Xanax is such a highly addictivedrug.
But I guess my question for you,'cause I know that there were
other people that were concernedand noticed the change in you,
before we get to that part, Ijust wanted to learn.
what was your relationship likewith alcohol at this time?
Were you still drinking?
Was that still a part of yourritual or were you solely honed

(17:48):
in or focused with Xanax?

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (17:50):
No.
So I was still drinking andthat's why it was so like scary
and dangerous because I would.
Take the Xanax, like, you know,during the day at work.
And then when I got home I woulddrink the bottle of wine.
And so it was like,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (18:05):
I.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_1 (18:06):
I was just like constantly messed
up.
Like during the day I'd be onXanax and as soon as I got home
I drank wine.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (18:13):
Okay.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (18:14):
it got to the point where, I was so
addicted to the Xanax that whenI would wake up, if I didn't
have it, I would literally likebe crying and like.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (18:25):
Wow.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (18:25):
To cancel my whole day.
Like I felt like I could noteven get out of bed to brush my
teeth without it.
I just became so dependent onit.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (18:35):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (18:36):
and since I was mixing it like.
the alcohol, it was just sodangerous.
I was like constantly blackedout, just constantly not
remembering.
Like the doctor who I eventuallymet with was like, yeah, the
Xanax was literally just likeyour memory.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (18:54):
Wow.
So a couple of follow ups herefor you.
You mentioned that your familywas concerned.
Your coworkers noticed a change,I'm assuming friends as well.
Did you recognize the change inyourself, like the negative
impact that Xanax and alcoholhad on your life prior to other

(19:18):
people pointing it out, or didyou experience other people
voicing their concerns thattriggered you to recognize that
you had a problem?

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_1 (19:27):
I knew I had a problem, but I.
that state I like was not in theright state of mind, and so I
did not wanna stop.
Like I had

the-sober-butterfly (19:37):
Understood.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (19:38):
to stop.
I think.
My anxiety felt so extreme thatI was like, I don't know how to
live a lifestyle.
Like outside of this.
Like my mom would be like, whatare you gonna do if, like, you
eventually wanna have a childlike, and

the-sober-butterfly_2_02 (19:53):
Right.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (19:53):
would bring up all these valid
concerns.
And I was just so focused onlike that moment and anxiety I
felt then that I was like, Idon't care what happens to me.
Like I can't see a lifestyleoutside of this.
I can't stop, like, can'timagine anything different.
And so when people were startingto like like that, this is a

(20:13):
becoming a big concern.
I just kind of shoved all thatout the window.
I would try to act like I had itunder control and I.
would, I was trying to mo, Istarted because my parents were
confronting me and I did notwanna

the-sober-butterfly_2_0 (20:29):
Mm-hmm.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (20:36):
we even did it where like I would
give my parents the bottle andthey would try to manage it, but
I eventually would.
up with some manipulative thingto get it and have it under con,
under my control again, like, Ijust became like super
manipulating, which is not evenlike a characteristic of mine,

(20:56):
but I just like, it was changingme so much that I, when people
were voicing their concerns, Ijust like, care until it was one
night.
I would, this is soembarrassing.
Like when I had my old Instagramaccount where it was just like
friends from high school,college, all of that, I would

(21:17):
like get on my stories like somessed up

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (21:20):
Oh girl, you've been there?
Yes.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (21:23):
so hard to watch back when I got
sober.
But I mean, I would be so messedup.
I'm like, what in the world am Idoing?
And I'm just like talking and myfriends like saw me that night
on there and I guess it was likereally bad.
And so they called my parentsand they were like, Hey, like I
think you need to get over toKristen's apartment.
Like she's really messed up.

(21:43):
And I remember them just like mydad.
Like I could hear him likerunning up the stairs and.
He really was like, Kristen, Ilike, thought I was gonna find
you dead, like your

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (21:56):
Oh my God.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (21:57):
the way they're, you know, called
me.
And I remember just sittingthere trying to act normal like
I.
I remember I was like pretendingthat I was working and just
like, what are you talkingabout?
him, my mom and sister, theywere like, we have got you
scheduled to go to rehab inFlorida.
If you want to go, we haveeverything set up.
Literally you can be on a planetomorrow.

(22:19):
And I think I just, I did notreally want to be sober, but I
think I just knew like, there'snowhere else to go from here.
Wants me to stop.
My friends wanted me to stopnow.
My family is like telling me Ineed to go to rehab and so was
just like, okay, I'll go.
And I was not ready, like Idrank the whole way there on the

(22:41):
plane.
When I got there, I just didn'ttake it seriously.
I got into like this horriblerehab romance and I just focused
on that.
Like I was just trying toreplace the do.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (22:56):
I've heard about the romance, the
rehab romances.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-2 (22:59):
terrible.
And so like, I, I didn't evenfinish like the, the full thing.
I think I stayed for like 20something days.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (23:08):
Okay.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (23:09):
and the problem was like, the whole
time my mindset was okay, myparents,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (23:14):
Wait, can I ask you a quick question?
Kristen?
was the rehab, was itcomprehensive in the sense that
it addressed alcohol and theXanax?

kristen-mcavoy_2 (23:23):
Comprehensive, so

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (23:24):
okay.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (23:25):
were treating me for both.
And they me a lot of eye-openingstuff.
Like they were if you takingXanax, like the way you are.
you're not gonna remember evenyour address in 10 years.
Like you,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (23:37):
Well,

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (23:38):
they basically told me like you are,
I mean, like, I was gonna havelike early Alzheimer's
basically.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (23:44):
yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (23:45):
Still did not care.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (23:47):
Yeah.
'cause

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-2 (23:47):
remember.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (23:48):
when you're sick, you're focused in
on the here and now.
And like the thing that's makingyou sick is also the thing that
is helping you, right?
Because as soon as you get theXanax, or as soon as you get the
substance, you feel better.
But then it's like thisperpetual cycle to your point.
So it's like, yeah, I hear allof that.
I think that's so relatablebecause it's like I am listening
to you, but I'm not reallyhearing you because I'm unwell

(24:10):
right now and I need

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (24:11):
and

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (24:11):
my medicine.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (24:12):
what was happening because when you
take Xanax, you don't realizethat when you don't have it, you
become even more anxious.
And so it's like double anxietythat you already felt.
And so it's really not, itdoesn't really help you.
It really just keeps you.
Literally so stuck in the

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (24:31):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (24:32):
And so I remember like trying to sit
in these meetings with peopleand I was having like straight
up panic attacks and I was like,I can't do this.
Like I

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (24:40):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (24:41):
can't do this.
And so I think I got to a pointwhere I was like, okay, I.
Maybe I'll just stop the Xanax,but I'm still gonna drink.
So like the whole time I wasthere, I wasn't even in the
mindset of like, I'm gonna besober.
I just was like, okay, I wastold to come here for Xanax,
that's all I'm gonna stop.
And so I remember like as soonas my dad picked me up at the

(25:02):
airport, I had already orderedwine.
Like the day I got out of

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (25:06):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (25:06):
up, like it was so awful.
And I remember I got back and Iwas like feeling even more
depressed.
And I think it's because.
I went to the rehab in Florida,and so like when I came back to
Virginia, it was like I had noresources.
Like I didn't know how to go toa meeting.
I didn't have any of thosepeople I was with.

(25:27):
Have any of the doctors, thetherapist, it was just like back
to reality and I just felt kindof even more sad.
And I remember the, it was likethe night before I was supposed
to go back to work.
I was just like, I cannot dothis.
Like, how embarrassing that Ijust went to rehab and now I'm

(25:47):
gonna go back to work.
And so I just like felt like Icould not do it.
And I made the mistake of like,I left that communication open
with my doctor.
Like I did not close the door.
And so that night I already hadlike a refill ready.
And so I just went and got it.
Like I just could not handle theanxiety.

(26:08):
I thought in my head like, okay,I've been off Xanex for like 30
days now, almost like I canmoderate, I can manage it now.
And it went even worse.
I mean, I finished the wholebottle in like, think like a
couple of days.
Like it was so bad and I hiteven bigger rock bottom.

(26:29):
And I remember I was at work andit was like the middle of the
day and this is where I was justlike totally no longer
functioning anymore.
Like I barely remember beingthere and I had taken a bunch of
Xanax and drank a bunch, and therehab romance guy like broke it
off with me and I just like lostit.

(26:49):
Like I.
left work in the middle of theday, went and got hammered.
didn't have my car because I hadlike lost my keys and so I,
these two men pulled up.
I just got in the car with them.
I had no idea who they were.
And I turned my phone off duringall this and I had no idea that
like my parents were looking forme with the police.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (27:12):
Oh wow.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (27:12):
And then eventually those people
took me back to my house andthank goodness my parents were
waiting right there in theparking lot and they were so
upset with me and like, I thinkwere so scared.
'cause they're like, you'reputting your life in danger.
But like the scary thing was Iused to do stuff like this all

(27:33):
the time, like for 10 yearsstraight.
I have no idea how something.
Horrible didn't happen to me.
Like I seriously am like waslike watching over me because I
should be.
I'm dead right now.
Like I've woken up sleeping likein the middle of the road, like
just anything you can think of.
And so I'm just like, I don'tknow how I'm here.

(27:56):
but basically my parents werelike, we have got you set up to
go live in a recovery house herein Richmond.
I didn't wanna go, but I knew Ihad ran out of Xanax.
I knew I was like gonna gothrough horrible withdrawal and
so I was just like.
I'll go.
Got really messed up beforegoing and my dad took me.

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kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_1 (29:57):
I didn't wanna go, but I knew I
had ran out of Xanax.
I knew I was like gonna gothrough horrible withdrawal and
so I was just like.
I'll go.
Got really messed up beforegoing and my dad took me.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02 (30:12):
That's beautiful.
I mean, it's beautiful because Iknow the aftermath, like I know
how the story ends and iscontinuing as we live in this
moment.
It's never easy when you'reconfronted with making a change
before you're ready and evenwhen other people are.
From the outside, it's superobvious, right?

(30:33):
Like you are in a place whereyou need some help and support
and thankfully you had God, youhad your family, you had people
in your corner supporting anduplifting you.
But like you still had to do theheavy lifting.
Like you still have to be theone that was like, I'm willing
and able and ready to accept thehelp.
And that part I think can bereally hard if you're not ready,
but it doesn't mean it'simpossible.

(30:54):
So it sounds like that was.
The positive change that youneeded.
Like you need to have that likesecond, I don't wanna call it a
rock bottom per se, because youdidn't use that terminology, but
you need to have that moment of,you know, I

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (31:08):
Yeah,

the-sober-butterfly_2_ (31:08):
finished my description in two days.
Okay.
I.
It, it sounds like a rockbottom, but like I think I've
had multiple rock bottoms, soI'm like, I'm not sure if that
was the rock bottom, but likedefinitely a low point, right.
So I think when you see thatit's sort of like, okay, like
where do you go from here andyou kind of release control.

(31:33):
Like that's the surrendersurrendering that so many people
talk about that seren you, whereit's just like, you know what?
Like I've tried it my way.
I don't have any other options,so let me try something else.
And that's actually reallybeautiful that you had, that was
your rock bottom, and you had away out because your rock bottom
could have been the end, right?
Like that could have been justlike, I, I can't go on like this

(31:58):
and like.
That's it.
So I'm so happy to hear that youdid have another option.
And so what was that processlike for you when you went to
live in the home?
The recovery home.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (32:10):
So it was, at first when I got
there, it was very.
Hard and kind of like a wake upcall reality check.
but it was, it really was likethe structure and discipline
that I

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (32:22):
Okay.
Okay.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2 (32:24):
sober.
Like when I was in rehab, itkind of felt more like I was on
like this little vacation,whereas this was more like,
okay, like we're doing this,like we're waking up, we're
working on ourselves, we'regoing to meetings, we're having
a recovery coach, we're havingan addiction therapist.
Like it.
on, like we're getting sober.

(32:46):
But I, I, like, I needed, Ineeded that, like needed
somebody to literally hold myhand and like help me step by
step of the day.
'cause like I had told you, likeI had gotten to a place where I
felt like I couldn't even like,brush my teeth without Xanax.
So.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (33:01):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_1 (33:02):
I was, I felt like I was literally
retraining myself to do likebasic tasks, like doing the
dishes sober was hard.
Like

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (33:11):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_1 (33:11):
a floor was hard.
Like if I had to clean up in myroom, like to tidy it up.
Like just felt like it basic,and this, I mean, for a long
time it felt like basic taskswere just like way more
difficult than they should be.
So.
When I got in the recoveryhouse, it ended up being the

(33:31):
best thing that like, could havehappened to me'cause I was with
like or 12 other women.
Every day.
Like I said, we were going tomeetings, working on ourselves
and I feel like we were all kindof coming back to life and
laughing

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (33:43):
Wow.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (33:44):
and like kind of remembering what it
was like to socialize and allthis stuff before drinking and.
The, I think the meetings, goingto the Narcotics Anonymous
meetings really helped mebecause that was like the first
time I had really, found hopelike listening to other people's
stories.
'cause I just felt so I.

(34:05):
Like alone when I was inaddiction.
I didn't know anyone who wasstruggling like I was.
And so finally like hearingthese stories of hope in real
life and like meeting thesepeople who had gotten sober and
were doing so good, was reallyhopeful for me to hear.
'cause I felt just so hopelessat that point.
Like I didn't see any way out ofit.
And one of the hardest parts, Ithink I was getting sober was

(34:27):
kind of coming to terms withstuff I had done in addiction
where like I was like, oh mygosh, like I crossed these
lines.
I never thought I would, Iremember just like being on the
floor, like sobbing with justlike guilt and shame and it was
really hard like to come toterms with all of that, And be
sober.
But you know, that recoveryhouse like saved my life and I'm

(34:50):
like forever grateful for that.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (34:53):
So we know this, the opposite of
addiction they say isconnection.
So like being in a space whereit's not even just, yes, routine
is important, structure'simportant, but like connection,
hearing your story in otherpeople's.
Stories like that can be lifechanging.
You don't feel so alone.
You don't feel so isolatedbecause you've connected with

(35:14):
other people who haveexperienced something similar.
And I think that is the power ofrecovery spaces.
That is the power of speakingand telling your stories,
whether it's in a, you know, aprivate.
Setting or with a small group orlike having a podcast and
talking about it to the masses.
or with your platform where youshare your story.

(35:35):
I think that is.
Truly like something that cansave someone's life.
Because if you feel hopeless,like you said, you finally found
hope, and I think it is.
I one can argue, yes, you cansurvive without hope in life,
but that's not really livingright?
Like if you are just constantlylike, this is my life.
I can't function, I can't bebetter than how I am right now.

(35:57):
Like there is no tomorrowwithout.
Me needing and my medicine orself-medicating because we all
self-medicate in certain ways orhave probably once you see that
like other people have overcomethat it can inspire you and it
can show others that there ishope and it really can change
your life and save your life inmany ways.

(36:18):
So I'm so very, very grateful tohear that you had that
experience and thoseconnections, and were able to
finally have hope again.
I would love to know from youbecause anxiety, it sounds like
it's controlled a lot of yourlife.
I, I, I will frame it that way.
So what was that like?
Finally being in a space wherelike, yes, you're building

(36:41):
rapport, you're findingconnection, you're finally
seeing hope on the other side.
But like, what was thatexperience like in terms of your
anxiety during this time becauseyou weren't, you know, using
Xanax and you didn't have othersubstances to cope.
So how did you manage to kind ofshift into I'm sober and my
anxiety is still here, but likeI am greater, or I can overcome

(37:05):
my anxiety.

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kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (38:50):
So I think like in the beginning I
was really like on that pinkcloud, like, and so

the-sober-butterfly_2_0 (38:57):
Mm-hmm.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (38:57):
that kind of overtook the anxiety.
Like I think I was, when I firstgot sober, like the first six
months I.
Just worked part-time.
I didn't go back to corporate.
Like I was just very, like inkind of a bubble still, like,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (39:13):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (39:13):
still just like going to my meetings,
only hanging out with my soberpeople.
Really back into work fully.
And so it was kind of just likethis really happy time.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (39:24):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26- (39:24):
wasn't, the anxiety wasn't there as
much.
Now it's kind of, this year has.
I'm about to be four yearssober, and this year has
definitely been like the year ofmy life with my anxiety.
Like it is back to like exactlyhow it was, like the moment I
became addicted to Xanax, likegoing through the exact same

(39:46):
things.
and so that's been really,really hard to deal with sober.
I realized like.
In sobriety, I was stillavoiding, like at first I was
avoiding by using Xanax andalcohol, but now I've been
avoiding basically that gives meanxiety.
Like I've really shut off somany things now that I'm kind of

(40:09):
faced with some of these thingsagain, I'm like, gosh.
I once again did not heal.
I've just been avoiding, and so

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-2 (40:18):
yes.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (40:19):
it's kind of hard.
It's been hard to navigate,especially I think having a
platform because I'm like, I togive this inspiring message that
I've been providing, but thenI'm like, oh my gosh, I'm at
four years sober I'm reallymentally struggling.
Like, I don't wanna drink, Idon't wanna take Xanax to go

(40:40):
through it, but I, I, I'm goingthrough this.
Like mental struggle where I'mlike, I have just been avoiding
this whole time.
I have not healed.
And so it's been like a hugewake up call.
Like I think it's almost ablessing'cause I didn't realize
how much of this anxiety I wasstill struggling with.
But it's been kind of a blessingin disguise'cause it's really

(41:02):
made me have to like.
Lean on my faith in this.
'cause like I don't have orXanax, like I constantly have to
be present with these thoughts.
And so it's just made myrelationship with God so much
stronger.
I've just been leaning onscripture, like on my knees,
praying, crying memorizingscripture.
I'm doing EMDR therapy now to,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02 (41:24):
What's d.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (41:25):
So it's where you, don't even know
how to explain it.
So you follow this.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (41:32):
Okay.
Okay.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (41:34):
So it's rapid eye movement.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (41:36):
Oh yeah.
Mm-hmm.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (41:39):
and so basically like for any
memories you have that arecausing this anxiety.
You relive them like whileyou're falling in it.
So it's like when you're infight or flight, one side of
your brain basically shuts offand

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26 (41:55):
And the other one highers up.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-2 (41:57):
remembers your point of view of these
memories.
But when you do an EMDR, it'slike a bilateral ti stimulation.
I'm sorry, I'm so bad at this.
I'm just.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26 (42:08):
No, it's okay.
I've never heard of it, but Ifeel like I, I understand what
you're saying.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (42:12):
You follow the dot and it's like
repetitive of rapid eye movementand it,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (42:16):
Okay.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2 (42:16):
you're reprocessing the memory and it
somehow opens up that side ofyour brain that was shut off.
And so you can see all thesedifferent parts of the memory
that you had closed off.
And so it's really

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26- (42:30):
Oh

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (42:31):
wild.
Like started one memory back inNovember.
And we just finished it.
So we, it was a level 10 anxietyat the beginning and we got it
down to like a zero.
And it's crazy'cause like whenyou're doing it, like all these
things you forgot, like comeback that you didn't think of.
And basically the therapisthelps you reframe it in a

(42:54):
positive way.
So like for me, we've beensaying like.
Okay, well if you didn't havethis like PTSD, you probably
never would've picked up Xanaxthe way you did then.
You never would've gotten soberfrom alcohol.
Then you would never have foundsobriety and like,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26-2 (43:10):
I love.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (43:10):
and then all the things where like
in your head are so negativefrom the experience.
It really helps you try to seelike the reality of it.
Like, did this really happenthis way?
Well, what did you think aboutit this way?
It doesn't.
Make you forget the memory, butit helps you reprocess it so
that when you're having thecurrent PTSD response in real

(43:34):
life, it's not like linking youback to that

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (43:39):
Okay.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025_ (43:39):
in the way it is.
And basically there's like abunch of other little memories
that are all linked to it thatyou have, we have to do.
So it's a lot of work.
it twice a week right now.
But it's been good.
It's like I'm finally at fouryears sober almost.
I'm finally like really doingthe work because in early
sobriety I also have OCD, I'mlike, I have all these things,

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26 (44:03):
Oh, we, I have a whole host of
things in my

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (44:06):
OCD.
And so alcohol really helpedwith Numb that too.
'cause it would numb out anyintrusive thoughts I had.

the-sober-butterfly_2_0 (44:14):
mm-hmm.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-20 (44:15):
First years of recovery.
I did do therapy for that and Idid heal that a lot, but now
it's focusing on like I'mfinally like getting to the root
of okay, what caused me to pickup Xanax and alcohol in the
extreme way I did.
And now like we're finallyhealing it.
So it's like been hard'cause itis a process.

(44:36):
Like I said, I started inNovember and.
We've only like, scratched thesurface.
But I'm just so grateful becauselike when I was taking that
Xanax and drinking all thatalcohol to try to like deal with
all of this, I really had in myhead like, I'm solving this.
Like I'm free of anxiety now.

(44:57):
And I'm like, oh my gosh, Ijust.
Delayed healing for like yearsfrom doing that.
Because I wasn't solvinganything.
I was just avoiding it, numbingout, and now I'm like, I am
actually like healing, like I'mdoing the work.
Like I know, I know this isreally hard, but I know I'm
gonna get through it.
I know I can do it sober.
And I think when like hardthings come in sobriety, it is

(45:21):
like such a good reminder toyourself like, wow, like I am so
strong.
This is so hard.
This is something I used toreach for alcohol or Xanax for.
And now I'm just sitting in itlike, like last week I literally
had anxiety for like.
I mean, I still kind of have it,but it was like three days
straight of like, so sick to mystomach, couldn't eat, so just

(45:45):
so anxious that I was literallylike shaking

the-sober-butterfly_2_0 (45:48):
Mm-hmm.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (45:49):
and I'm like, I can't believe I'm
able to just sit in this now

the-sober-butterfly_2_02- (45:53):
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-202 (45:53):
this freaking sucks, but we're gonna
let our body heal.
I literally was like huggingmyself and I'm like, you're
safe.
Like you're gonna be okay.
praying and there's so manybetter tools I have now that I
realize are like so much morebeneficial.
Like actually feeling it andsitting through it and being
like, okay, my body is reactinglike this for a reason.

(46:16):
I have to get to the reason,feel it, process it, and then I
can heal.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26 (46:21):
It.
Yeah.

kristen-mcavoy_2_02-26-2025 (46:21):
And so it's like, yeah, this like
sucks, but it's like it's somuch better than numbing it.

the-sober-butterfly_2_02-26-2 (46:30):
I love that.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (46:30):
you sharing that even in your
sobriety, you still strugglewith your anxiety and just life,
right?
Like life is hard.
But yet you're overcoming andlike it's a testament to how
strong we are.
Because when you do hard thingslike get sober, it shows you
that you are capable of doingother hard things.
I think so often, and I do thisall the time as well with my

(46:54):
platform, like I wanna showpeople how amazing sobriety is
because compared to what my lifelooked like before, this is
like.
But it's not all rainbows andbutterflies, quite frankly.
Like, there are hard, hard daysand I, I think it's hard to
sometimes balance, like, howmuch do I

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (47:12):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26- (47:12):
as I'm working through it, right?
Because I don't have all theanswers versus how much am I
showing, like, just the positivebecause I'm a positive person
and I wanna inspire people, butlike, I think that's the thing.
It doesn't need to be one thingor the other.
It's very much.
This is who I am as a being.
I'm a flawed human.
That's how God made me.
And I'm gonna lean into facetsof all of me, like the

(47:36):
multi-dimensions that existwithin me because I'm not a
perfect person.
I will never be a perfectperson.
And I think it's a just a greatreminder for folks at home or
who are sober or who arethinking about getting sober.
Like sobriety does not fixeverything.
Start, and to your point, like Ididn't even realize, Kristen,

(47:57):
until you were sharing like theavoidant piece.
Like I also think I'm avoiding alot of I'm so serious.
Like I, I recognize as soon asyou said that, I'm like, yeah,
I'm still in therapy.
I got sober in therapy thanks tomy therapist or thanks to myself
and to God and to like all ofthe people that came around and
really supported me, but youknow, I still.

(48:22):
Deflect and I think defer oruncomfortable feelings.
Like for me it's like I pour,I'm a workaholic, so I pour
into, I, I distract myself frommyself and I needed to hear that
is the point I'm making.
I think I need to hear thatbecause it can be a slippery
slope and I don't ever wannadrink again.
I don't ever wanna use again.
I don't think God willing I everwill, but I do have to take it

(48:43):
day by day I'm three and a halfyears sober.
Like I say, like oh, in earlysobriety, but in the grand
scheme of my life, likehopefully I have a lot more
years to live.
am still in early sobriety if Ithink about it, right?
Like every day.
not guaranteed.
And every day I have to put inthe work and I will never put it
past myself that like I'mcapable of relapsing or

(49:05):
regressing back to old habitsbecause that's who I am.
I know who I am.
And I think having thatself-awareness and that clarity
and sobriety has really shown methat like I am capable of
overcoming, but every day I haveto make the choice right.
Like every day I have to show upand do the work even when it's
hard and some days are harderthan others.
So I just wanna thank you somuch, truly, Kristin, for saying

(49:27):
that because I think when youhave or when you have like
followers and people who arejust like, oh my God, you're so
amazing and you're soinspirational.
I love everything you do and

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (49:36):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02 (49:37):
that's great, but at the same time,
it's like.
I'm actually struggling.
Like I'm actually like not okayright now, but it's okay.
'cause I know I will be okay.
I know that I'm going tocontinue to put in that work and
so I just wanna thank youbecause I, I think sometimes it
can be really.
Overwhelming and the pressurethat we put on ourselves to be
like a beacon of hope forothers.

(49:59):
yes, you can be that, but alsolike, I think you are a beacon
of hope when you say troops likethat, which is like my anxiety
is at its worst right

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (50:07):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (50:08):
and I'm working

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (50:09):
Yeah, I think that's what people want
to hear.
Like when I shared that, Ishared that last week, and like
people were like, oh my gosh,like thank you for your honesty.
I'm going through the same, andI think that's what like.
We all need to remember like,yeah, it's great to put out the
super motivating stuff and like,but I think, like you said, like

(50:33):
realizing, just'cause I'm likefour years sober doesn't mean
that like we're super human oranything like.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26- (50:41):
we don't have all the answers.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025_ (50:42):
it still can be like really hard.
And I think that's like, I thinkthat is the side people wanna
see.
'cause they're probably goingthrough the same thing and
they're like, well how is it soeasy for her?
And it's like, it's really notlike it's, it's so much better
than not drinking, but it's likethere're still definitely.
Really, really hard days.
And like you said, even whenyou're sober, you can still fall

(51:05):
into these patterns of thingslike our avoidance or are beha
like obviously not the samebehaviors you used to do when
drinking, but they're like thesame patterns of, you know, and
so just being mindful and beingalert and paying attention to
that I think really isimportant.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26-2 (51:25):
I agree, I respect that so much.
Sobriety is not just all glowyskin.
it involves a lot of deephealing and work, and I.
again, just wanna commend youfor sharing like the hard parts,
because that's real, likeanxiety, O-C-D-P-T-S-D, panic,

(51:46):
like those are visceral feelingsand not being able to
self-medicate or finding ways toself-soothe and work through
those with healthier copingmechanisms.
The hard part.
So I just wanna congratulate youfor doing that work and sharing
that with your audience just towind down a bit, do you mind if
we play a little game?

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025 (52:07):
I'd love to.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02- (52:08):
It's, yeah.
Hard shift, hard shift ofconversation.
So I, I've truly learned so muchfrom you and I am introducing a
new segment, so let's playsober.
Spicy or scandalous.
so, I'm gonna ask you aquestion,

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (52:27):
Okay.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (52:27):
and you get to choose if you want to
answer it which is like

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (52:32):
Okay.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02 (52:33):
spicy, which is bold or scandalous,
which is okay.
You give us the tea.
All right.
So my first question for you iswhat is one weird habit that you
picked up in sobriety?

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-202 (52:45):
Hmm.
I drink way too much caffeine.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26- (52:51):
Oh my God.
I am like I caffeine, but yes.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-202 (52:57):
It's

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-2 (52:57):
Yes.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025_1 (52:58):
I think because I got, I got
sober, like in a recovery house,so I didn't use mocktails or
anything.
I was like straight to theenergy drinks.
I've finally been like a yearwithout energy drinks and I'm
just on coffee, but definitely abad habit.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02- (53:17):
Yeah, I was, I went through a little
Red Bull phase and I was like, Ican't do this.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025 (53:22):
I'm acting like, I'm like,

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (53:25):
I'm wired.
Like, I was like literally likebouncing off the walls, like
Yeah.
Not sustainable.
Don't recommend it.
Put the Red Bull back and doesnot give you wings.
So, okay.
Thank you for answering that.
Okay.
What is one of the biggestmisconceptions about being
sober?
You can answer wholesome, bold,or scandalous.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025_1 (53:45):
I think it's definitely that
people are like, your life isgonna be so boring if you don't
drink.
But really it's like, no, likeyou like level up in a way like
that you never could when you'redrinking, even if you're
drinking like just a few times aweek, like when you give up

(54:06):
alcohol, my finances likedoubled.
I got a better job.
Like I got into like realestate.
I got in the relationship thatlike finally with someone who
respected me, like literallypeople think of it as this
negative thing and it's reallylike.

(54:28):
No, like if you want to win atlife, like literally get sober
and every area of your life willimprove.
Like your sleep, your health,your you'll like, you'll be in
like,

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-2 (54:39):
Your physical

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025 (54:40):
and like it's everything,

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (54:41):
the weight internally.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-2 (54:42):
literally everything.
Like, and I don't think anyonereally believes that.
That's why I do think it's goodthat people can see visibly like
on us the changes.
Like they know what we lookedlike before and all of that.
And so I think just people thinkit's just like this boring, like
punishment and it's really notlike it's really this powerful

(55:03):
like just power move I feellike.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26-2 (55:07):
I always tell people whether you
have a problem with alcohol orsubstances or not.
If you wanna optimize your life,quit drinking, quit using

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025_ (55:16):
If you're thinking just one day
you're, and you're like, oh, I'mspending Saturday with a
hangover.

the-sober-butterfly_3 (55:22):
hungover.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (55:23):
Okay.
Like you could literally now behaving like a whole side
business you're doing onSaturday because you're not
hungover.
Like it really makes such adifference.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26-2 (55:33):
I was just talking about this with
a girlfriend the other day.
Like I didn't have rural hobbiesbefore I got sober.
Like I recognized that aboutmyself.
embarrassing to admit, but likemy hobby was drinking.
I freed up a lot of time when Igot sober, to be honest.
I was like, oh, I have all thisfree time to your point when I'm
not hungover in bed and chasingmy next high, like what to do

(55:56):
with this time.
And so yeah, you invest inyourself and you become a better
version of self.
So I, I'm totally, totally withyou there.
Okay.
My final question for you is,what is something sober?
Kristen does that drunk.
Kristen never would.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025_1 (56:15):
I was really mean when I drank.
Like I would be so mean topeople and I am not a mean
person.
Like anybody you ask would saythat I am like super kind.
But then.
People knew me when I wasdrinking.
Probably think I am like themeanest person ever.

(56:37):
And I, I still have a lot ofguilt over that actually.
'cause I would be like, justlike nasty.

the-sober-butterfly_3_ (56:44):
Release, release That guilt girl that
there was many moons ago, like,get over it.
I used to hate, I was the sameway.
Like I, I had two levels.
Like I was either like superwild, crazy standing on top of
the bar, like shaking my boot,like doing all the things like.
Right to your point, like PinkFriday, rapping the NICU menage

(57:05):
lyrics like I was that girl orhard or, or I was destroying
bathrooms, smashing windows,cursing someone out.
Like I was that girl too.
So like there was no like inbetween for the most part.
So I relate to that and I usedto hate when people would.

(57:26):
that man shot like, oh, super.
drunk words or super thoughts.
I'd be like, Ugh.
Like never say that to mebecause I don't know where that
person came from.
Like, I don't know why I wouldattack people

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (57:37):
think

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-2 (57:38):
like

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (57:38):
pain, like I think I was in so much
pain and so I was just like you.
It would like start out as likethis happy, fun, and then it
went like.
Like crying mad mean, like, andI think it was, we had that pain
inside and so when we woulddrink, it would come out.

(57:59):
And so I'm like, yeah, whenwe're drinking, that's not who
we are.
It's literally like the alcohol,like it, it's like it brings the
pain out of you or something.
And yeah, it turned me mean, soI.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26- (58:12):
It really mean too.
And I would be so like to yourpoint, like ashamed the next
day, like having to go intoapology mode or cringing like,
oh my god, what did I really saythat?
Like, did I say that to you?
Like, I don't mean that.
And then having to like convincesomeone that you love or care
about, like, I don't feel thatway.
I promise you I love you.
I don't care.

(58:33):
I dunno why I said that.
I dunno where that came from.
But yeah, I think you hit thenail on the head like it's.
Repressed feelings that we have,like hurt and pain.
And I hate to be like, hurtpeople.
Hurt people, but yeah somethingelse that I gathered from
listening to parts of your storytoday to Kristen is I think I
relate to this, like we caredvery much about.

(58:55):
How we were perceived from theoutside, like appearances, like
I've always been that girl too.
Like on the outside everythinglooked put together for the most
part until of course, thingsfell

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (59:05):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26- (59:06):
I, I played, I, I, I played a good
game for quite a while, and evensome people that found out I
quit drinking.
And got sober.
Were like, oh, like I alwaysknew you'd like to have a good
time, but I didn't know it wasthat bad.
I never thought that you shouldhave quit, but it's because I
masked a lot and pretended alot.
Control's another thing for me.
So like I felt like drinking wasallowing me to like lower my

(59:28):
inhibition and lose myself andkind of exhale to be honest with
you.
And that's so something that Ireally struggled with in my
day-to-day life.
So.
Yeah, it would just always gotoo far.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (59:39):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (59:40):
was able to moderate properly, never
wanted to, to be honest withyou.
And the line, you know, the markkeeps being pushed further and
further back.
Your tolerance grows and nextthing you

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26- (59:51):
Mm-hmm.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (59:52):
now you're in it, you're in it in
the

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025 (59:54):
But I also think, well, I think what
you're saying is so importanttoo, how we both kind of wanted
to appear this certain way and.

the-sober-butterfly_3_0 (01:00:03):
Mm-hmm.

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (01:00:03):
think that's so important.
Like when you're around peoplein everyday life, like you never
know who it is.
Like I remember I, one night Iwas on so much Xanax and I
literally was at a churchfunction like, and I was posting
about it that I was wrappingthese Valentine's Days for kids
and I was literally like on somuch Xanax and it's like nobody

(01:00:25):
is gonna expect that, like, youknow what I mean?
And so it's like.
Really just be, be kind becauselike, you know, like addiction
can happen to literally anybodyat any time.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (01:00:39):
And I think that is the great
equalizer.
Like that's why I talk veryopenly about my struggles,

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (01:00:46):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (01:00:47):
not just on the podcast, not just on
social, like in my day-to-daylife.
And I cannot tell you, like moreoften than not, if I mention the
fact that I'm an alcoholic, I'min recovery.
their eyes light up.
They're like, oh my God, me too.
Or the, my best friend or myaunt, my sister, my mom, my,
like, everyone knows someone isthe point I'm trying to make.
Whether you can look at them toyour point and see like, oh,

(01:01:08):
like, you know, this is the, thestereotype of the archetype of
the person that is an addict oran alcoholic, like that person
more often is not what.
You think

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (01:01:18):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26- (01:01:19):
Or what you should think of, you
should not conjure up images oflike a brown paper

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (01:01:22):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26 (01:01:23):
and someone on the side of the
street.
You should conjure up an imageof someone who looks like me and
someone that looks like youbecause these are the people
that are struggling

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (01:01:32):
Yeah.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-2 (01:01:32):
When I tell you broken and feeling
like they have to put thispersona or give off this aura of
I have my life together when inin truth.
You don't know what people aregoing through, and so I love
that you ended on that.
No, be kind.
Just be kind and like I am notgonna tell people what to do in
terms of their comfort

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26- (01:01:52):
Mm-hmm.

the-sober-butterfly_3_ (01:01:53):
speaking about subject matter like this,
but I will forever use my voiceto talk about it because I find
that most people, if noteveryone that I talk about it
with, has connected in

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (01:02:04):
Yeah.
Yep.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26- (01:02:07):
So thank you Kristen, so much for
coming on the show today.
I want to just kind of open upthe platform actually before I
open up the platform, lemme backup.
If anyone is struggling rightnow with addiction, whether that
be alcohol, Xanax, anything, isone thing that you would want
them to know, Kristen?

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025_1 (01:02:27):
I would say this was repeated to
me over and over in the corecovery house, and it really
stuck with me.
And they kept saying to me,don't give up before your
miracle.
And so it's like, even if liketoday feels so hard and you feel
like, like you can never getover this, you can never sit
through whatever you're goingthrough without alcohol.

(01:02:48):
Like it really is possible andthe more sobriety you build up,
like the more you will see thatthat miracle they're talking
about.
It really is there.
But if you give up or you don'teven start, like you're not
gonna get to that miracle.
And trust me, when people wouldsay that to me, I was like, this
is bs.
Like I don't believe any of it.

(01:03:10):
And now I'm just like, oh mygosh, they were right.
Literally everything they toldme would happen happened.
But you have to first just startor try, or you are not gonna see
that miracle.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-26-2 (01:03:21):
I love that.
Don't give up before your

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26- (01:03:24):
Mm-hmm.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02-2 (01:03:25):
I've never heard that one, but that
speaks volumes.
It's like you won't know untilyou know, and if you give up
before you even start, thenyou're never gonna experience
that.
And I also just think of likeinsanity is doing the same
thing, expecting differentresults.
Like if you are going through.
tried it your way.
We've already kind of touched onthis, like if you like you've

(01:03:48):
gotten to this place on your ownvolition, let's try something
different and don't stop untilyou experience that miracle.
I love that so much.
thank you so much, Kristen, forcoming on the show today.
I want to just open up theplatform and for anyone who's
sober, sober, curious, where canpeople find and connect with
you?

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-2025_ (01:04:08):
So they can find me on Instagram at
it's kristen l McAvoy,M-C-A-V-O-Y.

the-sober-butterfly_3_02- (01:04:15):
Thank you so much, Kristen, for coming
on the show.
I've learned so much.
You are amazing.
Thank

kristen-mcavoy_3_02-26-20 (01:04:21):
Thank you so much for having me.
It was so much fun.

the-sober-butterfly_5_03-1 (01:04:25):
Wow.
Kristen really just brought itall to the table, didn't she?
I love how she's so transparentabout her journey and still
keeping it real about thechallenges that come up even
after many years of sobriety.
If you resonated with anythingKristen shared or just love the
podcast in general, please takea moment to leave a review.

(01:04:45):
Not Not only does it help theSober Butterfly get out to more
butterflies, but you'll also beentered into my March giveaway.
As a thank you for the support,just snap a screenshot of your
review and DM or email it to meand I will be announcing the
winner on March 31st.
Also, if you're not alreadyfollowing the show on your

(01:05:07):
favorite platform, what are youdoing?
Hit that follow button and signup for the newsletter to stay in
the loop with new episodes andexclusive content.
Plus, don't forget to check outtoday's episode on YouTube if
you want to watch ourconversation.
Thank you guys so much forsupporting the show.
Oh my gosh, you guys, I havenews before I let you go.

(01:05:29):
The podcast has officiallymonetized.
Thanks to you.
How can I forget?
I wanted to show myappreciation.
Just thank you guys.
Truly, this has been such ajourney.
next week, I'm gonna spend alittle bit more time getting
into it about just how much thisshow has changed my life in the
course of two years, so I'm justgonna tease that for you right

(01:05:52):
here and now also, my birthdayis happening tomorrow when you
hear this, if you're listeningin real time.
So headed to Miami.
I will have a solo episode nextweek so I can get into just life
updates because I feel like somuch life is happening.
Life is lifeing, the good, thebad, the ugly.
And I want to fill you in.
But yeah.

(01:06:12):
The show was monetized.
Thank you guys so much.
I am so grateful.
And once again, to show myappreciation, I'm offering a
giveaway for March.
Don't forget to leave thatreview and send me a screenshot.
One lucky winner will beannounced on March 31st.
You don't wanna miss it.
All of the details are in theshow notes.
Okay?
I love you guys so much.

(01:06:33):
Bye.