March 24, 2025 • 24 mins
Intimacy Uncovered: The Conversations Every Marriage Needs :: [Ep. 261]
Today we tackle the often-avoided topic of intimacy in marriage. Understanding intimacy and its importance can be vital for a healthy relationship. This episode delves into personal stories, biblical insights, and practical tools for couples facing intimacy challenges.
We will provide clear guidance on how to recognize when intimacy is suffering and actionable advice on how to address these issues. From understanding God's intention behind intimacy to offering practical steps for restoring closeness, this episode is packed with wisdom you'll find invaluable.
We are hitting the following:
• Defining intimacy in marriage
• Recognizing the emotional aspects connected to intimacy
• Facing barriers that hinder marital intimacy
• Discovering God’s design for sexual intimacy
• Practical steps for restoring intimacy and emotional connections
• Preparing to support friends facing marital struggles
Come listen now to glean helpful info!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like like you
, we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
We're in the 12th part on how to help a hurting
marriage, and today's topic,tracy, is a touchy one Intimacy,
the conversation so many peopleneed to have.
When it comes to helping ahurting marriage, this topic is
one that sticks out like a sorethumb.
We'd almost like to pretendthat it isn't there, but you
know what it is it's anunderpinning of every marriage.
(00:50):
We're going to break this intothree sections.
The first one is to equip youon how you can walk beside your
friend in their struggle.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Number two we're going to talk about why God even
created this often fought aboutissue in marriage.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
And then, finally, we'll look at the barriers to a
satisfying intimacy in marriageand how we work through those
barriers.
We hope this will be a verypractical time for you to put
the right tools in your toolboxso that you're equipped, so that
you're able to step back fromthe emotions that broken
intimacy creates and see thebigger picture for your friend's
marriage, and maybe even foryour friend's marriage and maybe
even for your own marriage.
(01:25):
This is the second to lastbroadcast in our 13 part series
on how to help a hurtingmarriage, and it's no
coincidence that we didn't talkabout this very important topic
much earlier in the series, andthat's because when someone
comes to you hurting, this canfeel like the most burning need.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
We understand this is what you're going to run into
as well.
Many times when couples come tosee us, intimacy is at the top
of their list.
They want to cover that thingfirst, and for good reason,
because there's all kinds ofthings that cause that pain,
anything from infidelity topornography addiction to just no
warmth between us.
The hurt that these thingscause tends to loom bigger than
(02:03):
we feel we can even handle.
We want immediate resolution,or sometimes we just want out of
the pain.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
So when someone comes to the hurting marriage, you've
got to start at the heart level, not the physical level, and
most of the time by the timewe've worked through the heart
level issues that a couple isexperiencing.
A lot of times the sexualissues have already been
resolved.
Now a little disclaimer.
Times the sexual issues havealready been resolved.
Now a little disclaimer abouttoday's broadcast.
Sex is an unisolated topic thatwe are intentionally isolating.
(02:31):
There are many foundationaltopics, so go back and listen to
some of the earlier broadcasts.
Take notes if you need to,because everything we've talked
about till now has bearing onintimacy in a marriage, from
purpose to covenant versuscontract, to our roles, to
forgiveness, to the idols wehave in our heart and more.
You've probably heard us saythis before, but it's worth
(02:51):
repeating.
Intimacy in your marriage, yourfriend's marriage, is the
thermometer, not the thermostat,of the relationship.
So what's happening in thebedroom or not happening is like
a gauge of what's going onwhere no one else can see inside
that person's head and heart.
Intimacy is such a privatething in marriage that typically
doesn't get talked about untilthe rumblings underneath the
(03:14):
happy veneer create a majorearthquake.
Most of us don't bring thistopic up with a friend when it
seems like our spouse and I arejust two ships passing in the
night.
We don't raise the red flagwhen schedules get full and we
don't have any surplus.
Most of us don't speak up aboutsexual addiction or perverse
thoughts until they've taken usdown a dead-end road.
We don't say anything about thehatred in our hearts that's
(03:37):
preventing sexual union.
It's not until the groundcracks and threatens to swallow
us that we begin to take action.
Sadly, when most people get tothis stage, their hearts have
already hardened to the pointthat they're not actually asking
for help.
They're asking for a way out.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
That might very well be where you come into this
equation.
For your friend, you had noidea what was happening behind
closed doors.
Sometimes we just don't.
You thought they were a great,happy family and now you hear it
was all a farce.
Neither your friend or herspouse see any hope on the
horizon.
Well, that's how John and Jennycame to us in their darkest
hour.
(04:15):
We didn't see it coming, andneither did anybody else.
Sexual sin had broken theirhome, just like it has so many
others.
But I love how God works.
He made room in both of ourfamily's schedules to be able to
meet right away the very daythat affair was brought to light
.
Even though their world wascrashing down around them, they
still held out hope that Godmight be able to put this
relationship back together.
(04:36):
You probably heard that God isthe God of miracles, but, man,
when you see it happen, it ispowerful.
Over the seven months that wemet with this couple, when you
start with purpose and you buildfrom there, god does amazing
things.
And you might meet with yourfriend for that long, longer
than you thought, or you mightjust have one moment to speak
the truth that they need to hearbefore they begin to break away
(04:58):
from their covenant.
Either way, don't miss thisfirst point today on Vows to
Keep Radio.
God will perfectly position youat just the right time, give
you just the right words to say.
But here's our challenge to youBe ready for it.
Gather truth, put it intoaction in your own life.
That's how you can best beprepared.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
So our conversation to you today is kind of like a
Paul Timothy thing.
Paul knows his young protege isgoing to need to be well-armed
with truth so that he can speakit at just the right time.
In 2 Timothy 2, starting inverse 2, Paul writes this preach
the word, be prepared in seasonand out of season, correct,
(05:40):
rebuke and encourage with greatpatience and careful instruction
.
For the time will come whenpeople will not put up with
sound doctrine instead to suittheir own desires, they will
gather around them a greatnumber of teachers to say what
their itching ears want to hear.
They'll turn their ears awayfrom truth and turn aside to
myths.
(06:00):
But you keep your head in allsituations.
Endure hardship, do the work ofan evangelist, fulfill your
ministry.
Timothy was working with peoplewho were liable to forget about
God and disregard how he hadinstructed them to live their
lives.
Does this sound familiar?
In the last days, people willbe lovers of themselves, lovers
(06:21):
of money, boastful, proud,abusive, without self-control.
That's us, that's your friend.
God was building his churchthrough people like Timothy.
God is building his church'seternal kingdom through people
(06:42):
like you.
Still today, Eternity is builtin those little moments, those
conversations that you never sawcoming, and that is why we have
to be prepared.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
You know what, though , david?
So many of us wish thisconversation just would never
even come up in the first place.
We started this series withpurpose.
Have you ever asked yourself ifthis causes so much trouble in
a marriage, why in the world didGod even create it in the first
place?
Wouldn't it just be easier ifit disappeared?
Sometimes, and the hardestthing we had to talk about is
what's for dinner, I think theintimacy in a marriage is a lot
(07:15):
like Legos.
Okay, cut me some slack here.
I'm a mom of three kids.
We have a lot of Legos in ourhouse.
I think it's a good analogy.
Consider this the first time atoddler-aged kid sees a box of
Legos, they expect that boxactually contains a toy like
that cool picture on the front.
So imagine a four-year-old'sdisappointment when he opens the
box to find these hundreds ofseemingly random pieces of
(07:37):
plastic instead of thatspaceship that was shown on the
box cover.
Culture may have given you apicture on a box one of bliss,
exquisite pleasure and oneness.
Perhaps your friend issurprised, even disappointed, to
find that sex isn't theready-made gift that they were
anticipating.
It takes investment, effort anda bit of creativity to make it
(07:58):
work If we follow the master'splan, something pretty awesome
is possible.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
Most marriages experience some obstacle to
physical intimacy.
It's differences in desire,sometimes it's medical issues,
sometimes it's someonerecovering from sexual abuse,
involvement with porn or just apoor body image, to name a few
of those issues.
I'm sure you've had occasions,as have we, when you've asked
God, wait, isn't this supposedto be a gift?
(08:25):
With all due respect, god, Ithink the gift you gave me is
broken.
The Lord is asking you and I toview sex as a gift of creating,
just like those Legos thatTracy was talking about.
The joy is found in building,sometimes even making mistakes
and redoing things from scratch.
Regardless of the frustrationthat you and your spouse may
(08:47):
face in physical intimacy, theLord invites you to build
something far more precious thanjust a few moments of physical
pleasure Unselfishness, grace,forgiveness, unconditional
acceptance.
Each of these can be developedwhile seeking the Lord, through
the challenges that you mightface in the bedroom.
The gift of intimacy doesrequire some effort, but it's
(09:09):
designed to last and to growmore satisfying as the years go
by.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
But oh, god is so intentional in all of this.
Intimacy is not something tosweep under the rug or go
looking for other places toplace our desires.
God created this for you andyour spouse, for your friend and
their spouse.
I love that.
He designed it perfectly.
I have to trust him in that.
Physical intimacy wasn't anafterthought or a mistake on his
(09:36):
part.
It has an intended purpose,several of them in fact.
So let's talk turkey for just aminute before we move on.
Going back to the basics rightnow.
Number one we can clearly seethat God created sex for
procreation.
Yippee for that right.
Otherwise none of us would behere.
But his intentions for intimacydon't stop there.
Understanding his heart behindthis is vital to making fast
(09:56):
progress to a healthy marriage.
He created intimacy forpleasure in a marriage.
I don't think many of us wouldpursue intimacy if it didn't
come with some benefit to us.
I don't typically chase downraw broccoli for a nighttime
snack, but gosh Cinnamon ToastCrunch hits the spot every time.
So yes, it is for pleasure.
That part wasn't anafterthought either.
(10:18):
Think about that.
It was God's idea from thebeginning, and he shows us that
so well in places like Song ofSolomon and other scriptures.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Then there's a mystery that happens when we are
physically one.
It's called unity.
Unity emotionally, unityspiritually, aided by unity
physically.
The two become one flesh themystery spoken of in the
scripture.
But Satan twists it.
He says hey, you can be onewith anyone you want to Go ahead
, no biggie.
(10:48):
But true unity, the kind thatGod invented, is a different
kind, and love knows thedifference.
Trust me, the heart and thelife reflect it, and you feel it
too.
You know this is true foryourself.
Amos 3.3 says can two walktogether unless they're agreed?
What a great question.
Unity is built on this.
(11:09):
Someone has to yield.
The world doesn't defineintimacy and unity as doing the
things that provide love andhappiness for your spouse.
The world defines intimacy asreceiving.
Unity is hard to establish andeasy to break.
If there is unity and then anoffense or a disrespect, we find
(11:30):
it's broken.
When unity has been broken fora long time, what do we do?
Well, the same thing we do inour relationship with God.
We've got to come back torepentance.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Absolutely.
I'm reconciled with God when Iconfess my sins and ask to be
made right with him.
The same thing goes with David.
If I'm unwilling to admit thatI'm wrong, it's to that degree
that I'm going to put up a wallthat divides us.
And here's the next thing Don'tjust wait for unity to happen.
Plan for it.
This is so important.
First of all, getting yourheart right with God.
(12:01):
See, if I'm not right with God,I will almost always find it
hard to be united with David.
Have you ever noticed that inyour own life?
I bet your friend has.
I have to be open and honestand humble and submissive to God
to be right with God.
It takes the same basic thingsto be united with David.
If I've been treating him likeanother child in my household,
(12:25):
that's when I need to change howI'm seeing him and recognize
that my role isn't to mother himand therefore demean him.
It's to elevate him and buildhim up.
These are the kinds of thingsthat break unity and that
resolve unity.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
If I've treated my wife as an obligation, I need to
make that right to make stridestoward unity.
She is a gift God gave me tosteward.
She's where I need to make thatright to make strides toward
unity.
She is a gift God gave me tosteward.
She's where I need to servewith Christ-like love.
She's the one God gave me tolead and to love, and nothing
says the opposite, like bodylanguage and words that say I'm
put out by what I'm doing withyou.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vowstokeepcom.
Vows to Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows To KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
I think you might see where we're going here.
If there's anything I'mresentful about, any emotional
toes that have been stepped onbetween us, even a
misunderstanding where neitherof us are actually in the wrong,
but we just need to get on thesame page.
All of that is going to standin the way of physical unity.
But here's the kicker.
That's how God designed it andI'm kind of glad he did.
I'm glad, aren't you, that Godmade intimacy in such a way that
(13:29):
we can't just jump into bedwithout our hearts being
involved, even if we try todistance ourselves emotionally
to just get through the physicalact.
That right there proves thatour hearts are completely
intertwined with this topic.
God doesn't want us to just gothrough the motions next time.
He wants all of our hearts tobe involved in this.
It was kind of a dumb momentwhen I realized this, but unity
(13:52):
means we need to deal withdivision, so let's deal with it
biblically, asking forforgiveness from my spouse where
I've gone against God's word onthese issues, repenting before
God and asking him for help,knowing, hey, I don't have it
all figured out, but I know thatGod does, and I'm going to
trust him to help me be unifiedwith my spouse once again,
especially when getting back tounity with them begins in my own
(14:15):
heart.
I hope, as you're talking withyour friend about these things,
that they're starting to have anopen dialogue with God about
this.
I hope you are as well.
It's always great to get arefresher, to get back to the
basics and get our hearts rightbefore God.
So when you do that, or whenyour friend does that, encourage
them to take a special timeaway.
Do the same thing with yourspouse.
Get practical about it.
(14:36):
Find a B&B, book it, get thebabysitter, find the finances
and make it happen For David andI.
Unity is in all the littlethings throughout the days and
months, but it can be especiallybuilding to our marriage to
have a concentrated time away.
I hope you've experienced thisin your own marriage and I
encourage you to encourage yourfriend to take that time away
(14:56):
with their spouse as well.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
God also gives intimacy with our spouse as a
way for us to remain pure GreatBible verses that speak to this
but also so that we would beable to tell the truth about the
purity of God's love for us.
Think about it God's love forus is not faked, it's not an
imposter.
It's a representation of anauthentic love that is
(15:18):
understood over the long haul ofmarriage.
It's not something that asingle encounter could replicate
, and that's exactly how it'sintended to be A love and
intimacy built over a lifetimewith one person.
By design, it all representsthat authentic covenant that God
has with us, that he wants usto have with our spouse.
(15:39):
We forget these things when ourglaring emotions are capturing
our attention.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
So give your friend a little homework assignment, and
let me recommend that you do itas well.
Dig into God's word on this,this mystery that he set up from
the beginning of creation, abeautiful one that, when
understood, begins to healhearts and clear the air.
And then, finally, here today,on Vows to Keep Radio, we're
going to get into our next pointthe barriers to satisfying
(16:07):
intimacy in marriage, and reallyhow to work through them.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
The first barrier to a wholesome, God-honoring sex
life in marriage issubstitutions, Not just the
presence of the bad, it's theabsence of the good.
I mean that many marriagessubstitute that intimate
opportunity for time spentwatching YouTube, time spent
flipping through social media,time spent watching sports,
basically ignoring what God asksyou to do for your marriage,
(16:35):
Spending that time doingsomething which isn't
necessarily bad but is not fuelfor their marriage for the long
run.
This denial, this substitution,is a conscious decision.
It's meant to appear passive,but make no mistake, it's not.
People's schedules and financesreflect their real priorities
and their words.
They often conflict with that.
(16:57):
The thermometer of intimacypoints out where there is a
disparity between the two.
The less of a disparity betweenthe words and the actions, the
more the thermostat and thethermometer match.
So the solution First, I haveto ask myself what things have I
made too important that arepreventing intimacy from being a
(17:18):
priority in our marriage?
And then boldly take this listto my spouse and ask them what
they would add to this list.
Ask your spouse humbly whatthings are made so important
that they are preventing theintimacy inside of our marriage.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
But who really does this?
Who is actually going to followthrough on this?
Seriously, david and Tracy yeah, we're actually serious.
Sometimes we have to get to themost desperate state in our
lives or our marriages torealize that God's word has been
true all along, and doing whatit asks is the smartest thing we
could ever do.
That's the wisdom God's word istalking about.
(17:55):
To be humble is to be wise,because you have to be humble
enough to be teachable.
Learn wisdom by reading God'sword and doing what it says.
Listen to Proverbs 11 too.
When pride comes, then comesdisgrace, but with the humble is
wisdom.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
This won't be an easy conversation for your friend to
initiate with their spouse, butif only they could see the
other side of it, if they couldsee how this would soften the
heart of their wife, the unitythat would bring to the
relationship.
There are some othersubstitutions that are also
pretty obvious.
Things like pornography,self-pleasure, emotional affairs
(18:31):
, physical affairs.
And people doing this thinkthis is just going to be passive
.
This won't hurt my marriage.
How wrong they are.
But at the point you'reprobably talking to someone
about this, the hurt in theirmarriage, the pain of this
substitution, is probably veryclear.
They realize it wasn't passive,it's killing their marriage.
(18:53):
Now what?
This is where you have to helpthem to understand God's word,
saying something like okay,friend, your sins, they're going
to have consequences.
Don to understand God's wordSaying something like okay,
friend, your sins, they're goingto have consequences.
Don't be naive about that.
But don't listen to Satan.
Satan would convince you that aconfession of a sin like this
would be the death punch to yourmarriage, but God says
(19:13):
otherwise.
Listen to 1 Corinthians 7.
It says the husband shouldfulfill his marital duty to his
wife and likewise the wife toher husband.
The wife doesn't have authorityover her own body, but yields
it to her husband.
In the same way, the husbanddoes not have authority over his
own body, but yields it to hiswife.
Do not deprive each other,except perhaps by mutual consent
(19:37):
and for a time so that you maydevote yourselves to prayer.
You see, god gives us thedirective to be sexually united,
because the threat is real.
The solution is for both peoplein a marriage to be obedient to
God's truth.
Obedience, independent of theother person's obedience, is
(19:58):
still something that helpstremendously.
Now the second barrier issomething we actually touched on
earlier, and that's not fixingwhat is broken in our marriage.
This is probably the biggestsource to intimacy problems we
see in marriage.
A lot of times it's divisionabout money or parenting.
The list can be very long.
This is why we said this beforeSex is an unisolated topic that
(20:22):
we've isolated.
So when you want to help ahurting marriage and sex is the
chief complaint you have to havethe wisdom to consider all the
things we've covered in earliersegments in this series.
Too many men see a conversationabout repentance or forgiveness
to be a distraction from whatthey see to be the most urgent
issue.
You've got to help them to seethe bigger picture.
(20:44):
Even if your spouse doesn'tforgive and you've come to them
in repentance, there's a callingto do your part and then to
love them, to walk beside them,to even forgive them for not
forgiving you, to love them whenit hurts.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
There are two sides to this coin.
For example, a husband hassinned by looking at pornography
.
He's repented, but now comesthe tough job for the wife to
forgive, to be generous, to givegrace, to give something that's
not even deserved.
That's the definition of graceTo get the cycle started, the
one where we both know it'sbroken and God is going to have
(21:19):
to be the one that helps me bethe person who makes a move to
get the ball rolling down thehill.
Even if your spouse doesn'trepent, even if your friend's
spouse doesn't repent, there's acalling in God's word to rebuke
them, to love them, to walkbeside them, forgive them and
love them even when it hurts,and invest in them even when
your emotions scream, not to thesolution is a generous grace
(21:43):
that comes from the depths ofexperience.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Worldly, forgiveness looks like saying the words.
A God-honoring forgivenessrequires a biblical
understanding of how we've beenforgiven by Jesus and a passion
to show a Jesus-like forgivenessto someone else.
Jesus never says that is enough.
He never cuts us off.
He never needs to get away.
(22:06):
He never loses patience.
Instead, jesus always opens hisarms of love.
Jesus always forgives.
He always desires to build arelationship as a person.
This is impossible to replicatewithout spending time with your
Savior, often daily running toHim, and when you do this, the
(22:29):
cycle starts.
When you forgive, when you'regenerous, you start a cycle of
unity.
When you withhold, when you'rewatching for someone to fail,
that creates a cycle of tensionand skepticism.
When you forgive and givegenerously, that creates a cycle
of anticipation andencouragement.
The last barrier we've got timefor is something the world gets
(22:51):
a special kind of credit for Notunderstanding why God created
sex.
Sex is a gift inside ofmarriage.
Many Christians get confused bythe same message that Satan
throws out to the world sex isabout you.
It's about your pleasure.
(23:11):
As someone who wants to help ahurting marriage, you've got to
be looking out for someone inthis position.
Someone has put their ownpurpose for sex ahead of God's
purpose for it and it's astruggle at times to want the
fruit, the physical act, morethan a unified marriage that
actually creates this fruit.
So to help a hurting marriage,you've got to help someone see
(23:33):
where their purpose would bejust to get the pleasure, where
God's purpose would be to havethe pleasure be a byproduct of
the unity he intends.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
In conclusion, today your friend is going to come to
you, probably in a little bit ofturmoil, because when we aren't
unified physically, like Godintended, things feel pretty out
of whack pretty quick.
Like we said earlier, ourchallenge to you is to find out
what God's word says about thistopic.
Put it into practice in yourown life.
That is the best way to beprepared to help a friend in a
(24:06):
hurting marriage.
Please join us next week as weconclude this series, part 13 of
how to help a hurting marriage.
We're going to be talking aboutlegacy.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like like you
, we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
We're in the 12th part on how to help a hurting
marriage, and today's topic,tracy, is a touchy one Intimacy,
the conversation so many peopleneed to have.
When it comes to helping ahurting marriage, this topic is
one that sticks out like a sorethumb.
We'd almost like to pretendthat it isn't there, but you
know what it is it's anunderpinning of every marriage.
(00:50):
We're going to break this intothree sections.
The first one is to equip youon how you can walk beside your
friend in their struggle.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Number two we're going to talk about why God even
created this often fought aboutissue in marriage.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
And then, finally, we'll look at the barriers to a
satisfying intimacy in marriageand how we work through those
barriers.
We hope this will be a verypractical time for you to put
the right tools in your toolboxso that you're equipped, so that
you're able to step back fromthe emotions that broken
intimacy creates and see thebigger picture for your friend's
marriage, and maybe even foryour friend's marriage and maybe
even for your own marriage.
(01:25):
This is the second to lastbroadcast in our 13 part series
on how to help a hurtingmarriage, and it's no
coincidence that we didn't talkabout this very important topic
much earlier in the series, andthat's because when someone
comes to you hurting, this canfeel like the most burning need.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
We understand this is what you're going to run into
as well.
Many times when couples come tosee us, intimacy is at the top
of their list.
They want to cover that thingfirst, and for good reason,
because there's all kinds ofthings that cause that pain,
anything from infidelity topornography addiction to just no
warmth between us.
The hurt that these thingscause tends to loom bigger than
(02:03):
we feel we can even handle.
We want immediate resolution,or sometimes we just want out of
the pain.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
So when someone comes to the hurting marriage, you've
got to start at the heart level, not the physical level, and
most of the time by the timewe've worked through the heart
level issues that a couple isexperiencing.
A lot of times the sexualissues have already been
resolved.
Now a little disclaimer.
Times the sexual issues havealready been resolved.
Now a little disclaimer abouttoday's broadcast.
Sex is an unisolated topic thatwe are intentionally isolating.
(02:31):
There are many foundationaltopics, so go back and listen to
some of the earlier broadcasts.
Take notes if you need to,because everything we've talked
about till now has bearing onintimacy in a marriage, from
purpose to covenant versuscontract, to our roles, to
forgiveness, to the idols wehave in our heart and more.
You've probably heard us saythis before, but it's worth
(02:51):
repeating.
Intimacy in your marriage, yourfriend's marriage, is the
thermometer, not the thermostat,of the relationship.
So what's happening in thebedroom or not happening is like
a gauge of what's going onwhere no one else can see inside
that person's head and heart.
Intimacy is such a privatething in marriage that typically
doesn't get talked about untilthe rumblings underneath the
(03:14):
happy veneer create a majorearthquake.
Most of us don't bring thistopic up with a friend when it
seems like our spouse and I arejust two ships passing in the
night.
We don't raise the red flagwhen schedules get full and we
don't have any surplus.
Most of us don't speak up aboutsexual addiction or perverse
thoughts until they've taken usdown a dead-end road.
We don't say anything about thehatred in our hearts that's
(03:37):
preventing sexual union.
It's not until the groundcracks and threatens to swallow
us that we begin to take action.
Sadly, when most people get tothis stage, their hearts have
already hardened to the pointthat they're not actually asking
for help.
They're asking for a way out.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
That might very well be where you come into this
equation.
For your friend, you had noidea what was happening behind
closed doors.
Sometimes we just don't.
You thought they were a great,happy family and now you hear it
was all a farce.
Neither your friend or herspouse see any hope on the
horizon.
Well, that's how John and Jennycame to us in their darkest
hour.
(04:15):
We didn't see it coming, andneither did anybody else.
Sexual sin had broken theirhome, just like it has so many
others.
But I love how God works.
He made room in both of ourfamily's schedules to be able to
meet right away the very daythat affair was brought to light
.
Even though their world wascrashing down around them, they
still held out hope that Godmight be able to put this
relationship back together.
(04:36):
You probably heard that God isthe God of miracles, but, man,
when you see it happen, it ispowerful.
Over the seven months that wemet with this couple, when you
start with purpose and you buildfrom there, god does amazing
things.
And you might meet with yourfriend for that long, longer
than you thought, or you mightjust have one moment to speak
the truth that they need to hearbefore they begin to break away
(04:58):
from their covenant.
Either way, don't miss thisfirst point today on Vows to
Keep Radio.
God will perfectly position youat just the right time, give
you just the right words to say.
But here's our challenge to youBe ready for it.
Gather truth, put it intoaction in your own life.
That's how you can best beprepared.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
So our conversation to you today is kind of like a
Paul Timothy thing.
Paul knows his young protege isgoing to need to be well-armed
with truth so that he can speakit at just the right time.
In 2 Timothy 2, starting inverse 2, Paul writes this preach
the word, be prepared in seasonand out of season, correct,
(05:40):
rebuke and encourage with greatpatience and careful instruction
.
For the time will come whenpeople will not put up with
sound doctrine instead to suittheir own desires, they will
gather around them a greatnumber of teachers to say what
their itching ears want to hear.
They'll turn their ears awayfrom truth and turn aside to
myths.
(06:00):
But you keep your head in allsituations.
Endure hardship, do the work ofan evangelist, fulfill your
ministry.
Timothy was working with peoplewho were liable to forget about
God and disregard how he hadinstructed them to live their
lives.
Does this sound familiar?
In the last days, people willbe lovers of themselves, lovers
(06:21):
of money, boastful, proud,abusive, without self-control.
That's us, that's your friend.
God was building his churchthrough people like Timothy.
God is building his church'seternal kingdom through people
(06:42):
like you.
Still today, Eternity is builtin those little moments, those
conversations that you never sawcoming, and that is why we have
to be prepared.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
You know what, though , david?
So many of us wish thisconversation just would never
even come up in the first place.
We started this series withpurpose.
Have you ever asked yourself ifthis causes so much trouble in
a marriage, why in the world didGod even create it in the first
place?
Wouldn't it just be easier ifit disappeared?
Sometimes, and the hardestthing we had to talk about is
what's for dinner, I think theintimacy in a marriage is a lot
(07:15):
like Legos.
Okay, cut me some slack here.
I'm a mom of three kids.
We have a lot of Legos in ourhouse.
I think it's a good analogy.
Consider this the first time atoddler-aged kid sees a box of
Legos, they expect that boxactually contains a toy like
that cool picture on the front.
So imagine a four-year-old'sdisappointment when he opens the
box to find these hundreds ofseemingly random pieces of
(07:37):
plastic instead of thatspaceship that was shown on the
box cover.
Culture may have given you apicture on a box one of bliss,
exquisite pleasure and oneness.
Perhaps your friend issurprised, even disappointed, to
find that sex isn't theready-made gift that they were
anticipating.
It takes investment, effort anda bit of creativity to make it
(07:58):
work If we follow the master'splan, something pretty awesome
is possible.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
Most marriages experience some obstacle to
physical intimacy.
It's differences in desire,sometimes it's medical issues,
sometimes it's someonerecovering from sexual abuse,
involvement with porn or just apoor body image, to name a few
of those issues.
I'm sure you've had occasions,as have we, when you've asked
God, wait, isn't this supposedto be a gift?
(08:25):
With all due respect, god, Ithink the gift you gave me is
broken.
The Lord is asking you and I toview sex as a gift of creating,
just like those Legos thatTracy was talking about.
The joy is found in building,sometimes even making mistakes
and redoing things from scratch.
Regardless of the frustrationthat you and your spouse may
(08:47):
face in physical intimacy, theLord invites you to build
something far more precious thanjust a few moments of physical
pleasure Unselfishness, grace,forgiveness, unconditional
acceptance.
Each of these can be developedwhile seeking the Lord, through
the challenges that you mightface in the bedroom.
The gift of intimacy doesrequire some effort, but it's
(09:09):
designed to last and to growmore satisfying as the years go
by.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
But oh, god is so intentional in all of this.
Intimacy is not something tosweep under the rug or go
looking for other places toplace our desires.
God created this for you andyour spouse, for your friend and
their spouse.
I love that.
He designed it perfectly.
I have to trust him in that.
Physical intimacy wasn't anafterthought or a mistake on his
(09:36):
part.
It has an intended purpose,several of them in fact.
So let's talk turkey for just aminute before we move on.
Going back to the basics rightnow.
Number one we can clearly seethat God created sex for
procreation.
Yippee for that right.
Otherwise none of us would behere.
But his intentions for intimacydon't stop there.
Understanding his heart behindthis is vital to making fast
(09:56):
progress to a healthy marriage.
He created intimacy forpleasure in a marriage.
I don't think many of us wouldpursue intimacy if it didn't
come with some benefit to us.
I don't typically chase downraw broccoli for a nighttime
snack, but gosh Cinnamon ToastCrunch hits the spot every time.
So yes, it is for pleasure.
That part wasn't anafterthought either.
(10:18):
Think about that.
It was God's idea from thebeginning, and he shows us that
so well in places like Song ofSolomon and other scriptures.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Then there's a mystery that happens when we are
physically one.
It's called unity.
Unity emotionally, unityspiritually, aided by unity
physically.
The two become one flesh themystery spoken of in the
scripture.
But Satan twists it.
He says hey, you can be onewith anyone you want to Go ahead
, no biggie.
(10:48):
But true unity, the kind thatGod invented, is a different
kind, and love knows thedifference.
Trust me, the heart and thelife reflect it, and you feel it
too.
You know this is true foryourself.
Amos 3.3 says can two walktogether unless they're agreed?
What a great question.
Unity is built on this.
(11:09):
Someone has to yield.
The world doesn't defineintimacy and unity as doing the
things that provide love andhappiness for your spouse.
The world defines intimacy asreceiving.
Unity is hard to establish andeasy to break.
If there is unity and then anoffense or a disrespect, we find
(11:30):
it's broken.
When unity has been broken fora long time, what do we do?
Well, the same thing we do inour relationship with God.
We've got to come back torepentance.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Absolutely.
I'm reconciled with God when Iconfess my sins and ask to be
made right with him.
The same thing goes with David.
If I'm unwilling to admit thatI'm wrong, it's to that degree
that I'm going to put up a wallthat divides us.
And here's the next thing Don'tjust wait for unity to happen.
Plan for it.
This is so important.
First of all, getting yourheart right with God.
(12:01):
See, if I'm not right with God,I will almost always find it
hard to be united with David.
Have you ever noticed that inyour own life?
I bet your friend has.
I have to be open and honestand humble and submissive to God
to be right with God.
It takes the same basic thingsto be united with David.
If I've been treating him likeanother child in my household,
(12:25):
that's when I need to change howI'm seeing him and recognize
that my role isn't to mother himand therefore demean him.
It's to elevate him and buildhim up.
These are the kinds of thingsthat break unity and that
resolve unity.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
If I've treated my wife as an obligation, I need to
make that right to make stridestoward unity.
She is a gift God gave me tosteward.
She's where I need to make thatright to make strides toward
unity.
She is a gift God gave me tosteward.
She's where I need to servewith Christ-like love.
She's the one God gave me tolead and to love, and nothing
says the opposite, like bodylanguage and words that say I'm
put out by what I'm doing withyou.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vowstokeepcom.
Vows to Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows To KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
I think you might see where we're going here.
If there's anything I'mresentful about, any emotional
toes that have been stepped onbetween us, even a
misunderstanding where neitherof us are actually in the wrong,
but we just need to get on thesame page.
All of that is going to standin the way of physical unity.
But here's the kicker.
That's how God designed it andI'm kind of glad he did.
I'm glad, aren't you, that Godmade intimacy in such a way that
(13:29):
we can't just jump into bedwithout our hearts being
involved, even if we try todistance ourselves emotionally
to just get through the physicalact.
That right there proves thatour hearts are completely
intertwined with this topic.
God doesn't want us to just gothrough the motions next time.
He wants all of our hearts tobe involved in this.
It was kind of a dumb momentwhen I realized this, but unity
(13:52):
means we need to deal withdivision, so let's deal with it
biblically, asking forforgiveness from my spouse where
I've gone against God's word onthese issues, repenting before
God and asking him for help,knowing, hey, I don't have it
all figured out, but I know thatGod does, and I'm going to
trust him to help me be unifiedwith my spouse once again,
especially when getting back tounity with them begins in my own
(14:15):
heart.
I hope, as you're talking withyour friend about these things,
that they're starting to have anopen dialogue with God about
this.
I hope you are as well.
It's always great to get arefresher, to get back to the
basics and get our hearts rightbefore God.
So when you do that, or whenyour friend does that, encourage
them to take a special timeaway.
Do the same thing with yourspouse.
Get practical about it.
(14:36):
Find a B&B, book it, get thebabysitter, find the finances
and make it happen For David andI.
Unity is in all the littlethings throughout the days and
months, but it can be especiallybuilding to our marriage to
have a concentrated time away.
I hope you've experienced thisin your own marriage and I
encourage you to encourage yourfriend to take that time away
(14:56):
with their spouse as well.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
God also gives intimacy with our spouse as a
way for us to remain pure GreatBible verses that speak to this
but also so that we would beable to tell the truth about the
purity of God's love for us.
Think about it God's love forus is not faked, it's not an
imposter.
It's a representation of anauthentic love that is
(15:18):
understood over the long haul ofmarriage.
It's not something that asingle encounter could replicate
, and that's exactly how it'sintended to be A love and
intimacy built over a lifetimewith one person.
By design, it all representsthat authentic covenant that God
has with us, that he wants usto have with our spouse.
(15:39):
We forget these things when ourglaring emotions are capturing
our attention.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
So give your friend a little homework assignment, and
let me recommend that you do itas well.
Dig into God's word on this,this mystery that he set up from
the beginning of creation, abeautiful one that, when
understood, begins to healhearts and clear the air.
And then, finally, here today,on Vows to Keep Radio, we're
going to get into our next pointthe barriers to satisfying
(16:07):
intimacy in marriage, and reallyhow to work through them.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
The first barrier to a wholesome, God-honoring sex
life in marriage issubstitutions, Not just the
presence of the bad, it's theabsence of the good.
I mean that many marriagessubstitute that intimate
opportunity for time spentwatching YouTube, time spent
flipping through social media,time spent watching sports,
basically ignoring what God asksyou to do for your marriage,
(16:35):
Spending that time doingsomething which isn't
necessarily bad but is not fuelfor their marriage for the long
run.
This denial, this substitution,is a conscious decision.
It's meant to appear passive,but make no mistake, it's not.
People's schedules and financesreflect their real priorities
and their words.
They often conflict with that.
(16:57):
The thermometer of intimacypoints out where there is a
disparity between the two.
The less of a disparity betweenthe words and the actions, the
more the thermostat and thethermometer match.
So the solution First, I haveto ask myself what things have I
made too important that arepreventing intimacy from being a
(17:18):
priority in our marriage?
And then boldly take this listto my spouse and ask them what
they would add to this list.
Ask your spouse humbly whatthings are made so important
that they are preventing theintimacy inside of our marriage.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
But who really does this?
Who is actually going to followthrough on this?
Seriously, david and Tracy yeah, we're actually serious.
Sometimes we have to get to themost desperate state in our
lives or our marriages torealize that God's word has been
true all along, and doing whatit asks is the smartest thing we
could ever do.
That's the wisdom God's word istalking about.
(17:55):
To be humble is to be wise,because you have to be humble
enough to be teachable.
Learn wisdom by reading God'sword and doing what it says.
Listen to Proverbs 11 too.
When pride comes, then comesdisgrace, but with the humble is
wisdom.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
This won't be an easy conversation for your friend to
initiate with their spouse, butif only they could see the
other side of it, if they couldsee how this would soften the
heart of their wife, the unitythat would bring to the
relationship.
There are some othersubstitutions that are also
pretty obvious.
Things like pornography,self-pleasure, emotional affairs
(18:31):
, physical affairs.
And people doing this thinkthis is just going to be passive
.
This won't hurt my marriage.
How wrong they are.
But at the point you'reprobably talking to someone
about this, the hurt in theirmarriage, the pain of this
substitution, is probably veryclear.
They realize it wasn't passive,it's killing their marriage.
(18:53):
Now what?
This is where you have to helpthem to understand God's word,
saying something like okay,friend, your sins, they're going
to have consequences.
Don to understand God's wordSaying something like okay,
friend, your sins, they're goingto have consequences.
Don't be naive about that.
But don't listen to Satan.
Satan would convince you that aconfession of a sin like this
would be the death punch to yourmarriage, but God says
(19:13):
otherwise.
Listen to 1 Corinthians 7.
It says the husband shouldfulfill his marital duty to his
wife and likewise the wife toher husband.
The wife doesn't have authorityover her own body, but yields
it to her husband.
In the same way, the husbanddoes not have authority over his
own body, but yields it to hiswife.
Do not deprive each other,except perhaps by mutual consent
(19:37):
and for a time so that you maydevote yourselves to prayer.
You see, god gives us thedirective to be sexually united,
because the threat is real.
The solution is for both peoplein a marriage to be obedient to
God's truth.
Obedience, independent of theother person's obedience, is
(19:58):
still something that helpstremendously.
Now the second barrier issomething we actually touched on
earlier, and that's not fixingwhat is broken in our marriage.
This is probably the biggestsource to intimacy problems we
see in marriage.
A lot of times it's divisionabout money or parenting.
The list can be very long.
This is why we said this beforeSex is an unisolated topic that
(20:22):
we've isolated.
So when you want to help ahurting marriage and sex is the
chief complaint you have to havethe wisdom to consider all the
things we've covered in earliersegments in this series.
Too many men see a conversationabout repentance or forgiveness
to be a distraction from whatthey see to be the most urgent
issue.
You've got to help them to seethe bigger picture.
(20:44):
Even if your spouse doesn'tforgive and you've come to them
in repentance, there's a callingto do your part and then to
love them, to walk beside them,to even forgive them for not
forgiving you, to love them whenit hurts.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
There are two sides to this coin.
For example, a husband hassinned by looking at pornography
.
He's repented, but now comesthe tough job for the wife to
forgive, to be generous, to givegrace, to give something that's
not even deserved.
That's the definition of graceTo get the cycle started, the
one where we both know it'sbroken and God is going to have
(21:19):
to be the one that helps me bethe person who makes a move to
get the ball rolling down thehill.
Even if your spouse doesn'trepent, even if your friend's
spouse doesn't repent, there's acalling in God's word to rebuke
them, to love them, to walkbeside them, forgive them and
love them even when it hurts,and invest in them even when
your emotions scream, not to thesolution is a generous grace
(21:43):
that comes from the depths ofexperience.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Worldly, forgiveness looks like saying the words.
A God-honoring forgivenessrequires a biblical
understanding of how we've beenforgiven by Jesus and a passion
to show a Jesus-like forgivenessto someone else.
Jesus never says that is enough.
He never cuts us off.
He never needs to get away.
(22:06):
He never loses patience.
Instead, jesus always opens hisarms of love.
Jesus always forgives.
He always desires to build arelationship as a person.
This is impossible to replicatewithout spending time with your
Savior, often daily running toHim, and when you do this, the
(22:29):
cycle starts.
When you forgive, when you'regenerous, you start a cycle of
unity.
When you withhold, when you'rewatching for someone to fail,
that creates a cycle of tensionand skepticism.
When you forgive and givegenerously, that creates a cycle
of anticipation andencouragement.
The last barrier we've got timefor is something the world gets
(22:51):
a special kind of credit for Notunderstanding why God created
sex.
Sex is a gift inside ofmarriage.
Many Christians get confused bythe same message that Satan
throws out to the world sex isabout you.
It's about your pleasure.
(23:11):
As someone who wants to help ahurting marriage, you've got to
be looking out for someone inthis position.
Someone has put their ownpurpose for sex ahead of God's
purpose for it and it's astruggle at times to want the
fruit, the physical act, morethan a unified marriage that
actually creates this fruit.
So to help a hurting marriage,you've got to help someone see
(23:33):
where their purpose would bejust to get the pleasure, where
God's purpose would be to havethe pleasure be a byproduct of
the unity he intends.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
In conclusion, today your friend is going to come to
you, probably in a little bit ofturmoil, because when we aren't
unified physically, like Godintended, things feel pretty out
of whack pretty quick.
Like we said earlier, ourchallenge to you is to find out
what God's word says about thistopic.
Put it into practice in yourown life.
That is the best way to beprepared to help a friend in a
(24:06):
hurting marriage.
Please join us next week as weconclude this series, part 13 of
how to help a hurting marriage.
We're going to be talking aboutlegacy.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
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