April 23, 2025 • 53 mins
Have a question for Mista Yu? Text the show and he’ll answer it personally.
What happens when men are defined only by their ability to provide? Relationship and Personal Development Coach Brent Dowlen unpacks this fundamental question in a conversation that challenges the core assumptions about masculine identity.
The heart of our discussion centers on what Brent calls "the biggest lie told about men"—that their value exists solely in their capacity to provide. This reductive view creates men who excel at fixing problems but struggle with simply being present. We explore why men often feel utterly alone even in crowded rooms, how "visiting other islands" can combat isolation, and why the glorified lone wolf archetype leads to disastrous outcomes in real life.
Brent shares touching reflections on fatherhood, including powerful memories of his late father waiting on the porch with coffee just to talk after long workdays. His insights on intentionality in marriage reveal why many relationships stagnate: "We forget this isn't a one-and-done... you have to choose to do something intentional every day."
Perhaps most powerfully, Brent reminds us that "the lone wolf dies!"
Whether you're seeking to understand the men in your life or looking to break free from limiting beliefs about your own value, this conversation offers a refreshingly honest roadmap toward more authentic manhood.
• Growing up constantly relocating across the country created both cultural awareness and difficulty maintaining friendships
• The biggest lie told about men is that their only value lies in providing
• Men struggle with the "fix-it mentality" when problems arise rather than simply listening
• Male isolation remains prevalent even when surrounded by people
• Intentionality is the key to building and maintaining strong relationships
• Parenting has profound, long-lasting impacts that often aren't fully understood until later in life
• Everything valuable in life begins with one small habit – for Brent, it was simply walking during lunch breaks
Visit Purpose Driven Men at purposedrivenmen.com to find Brent's podcast, blog, newsletter, and resources designed to help men grow beyond limiting beliefs.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Welcome back to one on one with Mr you.
Of course I'm your host, Mr you, in studio with us today.
Brent Dowling, relationship andpersonal development coach and
also the host of Driven toThrive broadcast.
Brother, good to have you inthe house, man.
How are you sir?
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Oh, mr you, I'm so excited to be here today, man,
I've been looking forward tothis one.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Same here.
Man, I love that background.
Man, I love those words.
Man, that's for all of us mento live by.
Man, I love that man.
Okay, let's get to our chat.
We had an awesome conversationin our pre-interview chat.
Talked about so many things Ithink are germane to men
worldwide that we need to talkabout.
But before we get into all thatstuff, let's hear about your
(00:59):
childhood man.
Where does Brent come from?
What's your upbringing like,man?
Let's talk about that first andthen we'll get into the heavy
stuff.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Okay, so my upbringing is a little different
than some people.
I'm a preacher's kid and myfather wasn't just a minister,
but he was a domestic missionary.
So we didn't stay anywherelonger than three years on
average, wow.
And so I moved all of thecountry.
(01:27):
I've lived literally from coastto coast at this point, and
north to south, and so everycouple years we'd be somewhere
else, um, and it was.
It had a lot of benefits.
Uh, there's a lot of like, justculturally, different areas of
the country are very unique asyou move around and so it adds
(01:50):
to your exposure.
Right, you experience lifedifferently, uh, because I know,
statistically at this point,most people I think it's some
ridiculously high number, like70 or 80, I don't want to throw
out a definitive because I don'thave it in front of me people
never live outside of like a 15mile radius of where they were
born, and I've lived all overthe country and gotten
(02:12):
experience the differentcultures in the different areas
of the country and it, like Isaid, it changes drastically.
So it changes the way you lookat the world, you.
You have a much broaderperspective when you look at
things Downside is you gothrough a lot of friends.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Yeah, I want to ask you about that, man, because I
know there's an upside to seeingso many different parts of the
world and experiencing cultureand food and atmosphere and
environment and just location.
You know it's all beautifulstuff, man, but what about your
ability to make friends now, nowthat you're not moving around
(02:49):
as a son of a missionary anymore?
What do you?
Is it still a challenge indoing that?
Is there a residual effect tomoving around so much and
knowing our friendships can beshort term?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
I think there's definitely a residual effect.
For instance, like, my familyis super tight-knit, right,
because no matter where we go,my siblings and I can go years
without seeing each otherphysically.
But super tight-knit because,like my sister's halfway across
the country uh, one of mybrothers is in colorado, my
(03:19):
sister's in missouri, I'm out inwas Washington and we can go
sometimes years without gettingto see each other.
Uh, cause we're all very busypeople, right, so we're, but
they're always, there's always.
This deep connection withfriends is not as much so.
And now I mean, I've lived inthe same spot, going on 18 years
, which is a total surprise forme.
(03:40):
Like my children were born andhave been raised in this one
house their whole life, uh, myoldest daughter's 13 but I don't
have a lot of super closefriends.
Okay, and I think I I have a lotof acquaintances, I have a lot
of pretty decent friends and Itry, I'm actively trying to, but
(04:04):
I I don't know if it's adefensive mechanism, because I
got used to having to saygoodbye across all the sweep of
I'm 45 years old now.
I have about five friends thatI have stayed in contact with
over the years and over themiles, the oldest one going back
to about junior high and theother ones in high school, and
(04:28):
we've remained close.
But it's about five, maybe sixpeople and we still go two or
three years without talking toeach other.
Wow, I have two friends thatare in my life regularly, that I
see regularly, wow, I meanthat's.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
That's incredible though, but I get it though,
because you can't live a life Idon't know how many years of
work that you are you know doingthe the moves with your, with
your family, but it's not easyto just kind of snap out of
those kinds of habits.
Yes, so now you're 45 years oldand you're still trying to
figure out which is a good thing.
(05:08):
You are trying to figure it out, but you are trying to figure
out how to create or cultivatelasting friendships and
relationships.
I love that.
I think the thing that I wantto get into somewhere in the
course of this episode it's justabout the fact that, no, this
is a man trying to do thisBecause people think it's easy.
People look at the camaraderiethat we might see in team sports
(05:30):
and athletics or thecommercials that show guys
together doing stuff, and peoplejust kind of assume, oh, it's
easy for us to create that kindof stuff.
It's like no, brent Dallin's onthis show.
To bust that myth right now.
It's not easy for us, and we'regoing to talk about why it's
not easy.
But I want to hit you with aheavy question before we get
(05:51):
into all of that deep stuff thatI want to talk about today.
In many spaces, you know, menget blamed and rightfully so in
some cases for the state ofaffairs in our world and what
things look like Even on groundlevel with families, communities
, nations and such.
But what do you think is thebiggest myth and lie that's told
about men?
That's not true.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
The biggest myth and lie that's told about us is not
true that we have.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Everything they said is not true about us, just to be
clear.
That's why I know there is ananswer, probably more than one,
but go ahead.
The biggest lie is that ouronly value lies in providing.
Let's get into that a littledeeper.
Flesh it out.
For me, the lie that only valueis in our ability to provide
(06:53):
yes, and provision, right.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Most men have heard the three P's right is provide,
preside, protect.
This is very common, especiallyif you get into the circles of
men's communities.
There's a great podcast thatthat's their core tenants.
Right, that's the three things.
They really circle around inthe men's space and it's because
(07:16):
, historically, that that's beenour three primary roles as the
world has evolved.
Right, we don't live in thesame world.
Uh, 50 years ago, much less 100years ago, men aren't having to
fill those exact roles to theextent they used to, right,
(07:37):
however, men have not beentaught any different, so we're
still being raised with thatexpectation that goes back a
thousand plus years, and we'retaught that our ability to
provide for our family is themaximum purpose in our life and
that's where our value comesfrom.
Uh, there's I've seen it quotedby so many people that I don't
(08:01):
know, actually, who originatedthe quote.
It's the only things that areloved in life for what they are
are women and dogs.
Wow, and yeah, everything elseyou have and the right, the
consensus of the idea is thatnothing is truly just loved
(08:24):
because they exist Children,women, dogs, because they exist,
but men, no.
If you don't provide, if youdon't, you know, take care of
something you have no valueSeems a consensus that is.
It may not be outwardly spoken,but it's how we are engaged as
(08:46):
men.
We have to bring some form oftangible value or we have no
value.
Where do you think that comesfrom?
I think that's just ahistorically functional thought.
Right, men were valued.
(09:07):
If we go back in and I hate touse the term evolutionary
history because I don't believein evolution but if you go back
in evolutionary history ofhumans and the way we work,
right, that's what men did.
Men got up and they went andthey hunted, they protected the
village, they protected theirfamilies and that is essentially
their job and that's what theybrought to it.
Women did most of the nurturingand the young raising, the
(09:29):
young.
Men only stepped in when boyshit a certain age.
Right, that was our historicalbackground through all of
society.
Men go, take care of things.
They get it done, they protectus, they make sure we're fed,
they make sure we have a roofover our head and, despite the
world changing so radically, wehave not changed that.
(09:54):
This is what we teach men to do.
This.
This is all we teach men you.
This is what defines you, thisis what makes you valuable.
This is what gives you purposein life.
I get so many people when I talkto me you have a bigger purpose
, right, I've.
I've almost wept when I've hadguys like, but what else?
What else is there?
(10:14):
I take care of my family.
That's what I do, and my halfto all the brothers out there
taking care of their family.
Right, you were taking care ofgood.
Good, that is part of yourpurpose.
Great, you chose to be a dad ora husband.
Great, you're taking care ofyour family.
Excellent, you should.
But there is more to life foryou and you are more valuable
(10:36):
than just that.
And that's the biggest lie theytell men is you don't have any
value.
That is what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Wow, that's, that's deep.
I want to get into some more ofthat, but before we do that,
for all listeners and viewersthat are watching right now and
checking us out if you have anyquestions for Brent or myself in
regards to these topics, don'tbe afraid.
Drop them in a live chat in thecomments section.
We'll answer those as soon aswe get them and when it makes
(11:05):
sense to start talking aboutthose.
So go ahead and share thosequestions in the comments, or if
you're just a friend of Brent'sand want to shout him out, by
all means, please do so.
We'd love to see that too.
So one thing and this issomething that I had to learn as
a man heading into his almost30th year of marriage, I felt
(11:25):
like when we had a situationthat happened, the man in me
wanted to try to fix it.
I think men have a fix-itmentality.
I don't mean fixing things asin doing carpentry that's not
even my carpentry, anyways.
I'm more of a creative person,more of a designer, if you will.
I'm not good with putting bitestogether, that's not my thing.
(11:46):
I don't enjoy that.
But whenever we have a problemin a household, I always try to
fix it, and it took me years,and I mean that quite a little
bit, no exaggeration, nohyperbole at all.
It took me years to figure outthat I can't fix everything.
I can't fix everything.
How do we deal with the thoughtthat you just finished talking
(12:07):
about, how that historical ideathat's been ingrained in us,
that's probably not good for usclearly to now be like how do we
address problems and issuesthat we have in our household
and not turn into going to MrFix-It mode and then turn that
switch in the day back in thatbad space again?
(12:28):
How do you deal with it?
Speaker 2 (12:33):
That's an evolving, complex issue, right, because
that's something my wife and Ijust celebrated our 24th
anniversary.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Oh, congrats brother, Congrats man.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Very, very proud of that, and that is one of those
things that took me years tolearn with her right.
Oh, okay, because you knowwe're looking at this question
at a multifaceted level In myrelationship, learning that
that's not what my wife needsfrom me all the time.
That was a really hard, hardlesson for me to get.
I actually all the time likethat was a really hard, hard
(13:08):
lesson for me to get.
Um, I actually got to the pointwhere my wife would start to
talk about something and I Idon't do it as much.
I've learned, right, I evolvedin it, but when I first started
trying to get really cognizantof this and the differences in
our needs, I would be like, oh,all right, pause, baby, do you
need me to fix something or justlisten to something, cause I'm
good either way.
I just I need a guideline here.
Should we get mad?
(13:30):
Cause, like she doesn't wantyou to ask that, right, she
wants you to just know.
But, ladies, if you'relistening, we're tell us it
helps, trust me.
Now I ask this often every nowand then it still comes up, and
so you know, in my marriagethat's taking time to apply and
I still struggle with it becauseI do, I, I'm, I'm still jumping
(13:53):
into you know, superman, fix it.
Oh, because I'm, I'm very mywife and my daughters are
everything to me my, my marriage, my marriage, my relationship,
my children, this is my wholeuniverse.
And so, automatically, right, Iwant to fix the problem because
them, I, I, I, I reallycouldn't care less about myself
(14:17):
most time, but making sure theirworld is okay, it's not just
what I feel like I have to do,it's what I want to do Right,
that's the.
I want to take care of them andso learning to evolve that into
my relationship.
So I'm listening to my wifemore instead of just trying to
fix, because she doesn't alwayswant you to fix it Right.
(14:37):
And some guys are starting tolearn that, uh, guys who really
start to invest in theirmarriage start to learn these
things sometimes.
But then applying that into therest of the world, right, with
my children, it's like, uh, andit's the.
I don't need to fix thisbecause I need to let them
struggle some right, learning tobe a good dad sometimes means
(15:00):
you have to learn that sometimesyour kids have to struggle and
you have to let them, becausethat's where they start to learn
the problem solving.
That's where they start tobuild some character, is in
those struggles, that's wheregrowth really starts to happen.
And so applying it at thatlevel of uh you know
relationship, whether it's agirlfriend or a wife or a parent
(15:25):
, it's like nope, nope, nope.
Take a breath, let them workright, yeah, uh, because that is
intensely like our nature.
We we want to fix that, butalso there are times you have to
learn in the bigger pictureit's like, no, I don't need to
(15:47):
fix this, it's it's what I wantto do.
It's the impulse reaction.
But is this really somethingthat me doing this?
Will this make the world better?
Will it make my life better?
Will it?
Is it actually in my realm ofwhat I should be taking care of?
And having to sit back and notintervene on things that really
(16:11):
aren't necessarily my business,even are my responsibility to do
, but I still want to go do it?
Having to learn to say no tothose impulses is really really
hard for men, yeah, but on theother hand, we have a younger
generation that's actuallyreally struggling with engaging
(16:32):
more when it comes to thosethings.
I had one of my listeners tellme a story.
He just got back from a trip.
He travels a lot and he washaving lunch with some friends
down, like in arizona orsomething, and there was a crash
, a car wreck, right in front ofthe restaurant they were in.
So he jumped up, ran outside,took charge of the scene,
(16:56):
stabilized that one of thedrivers, who was looking pretty
bad.
The guy tried to get up andstart moving.
He started stabilizing him.
You know, he's got basic firstaid and cpr and stuff and he's
like sir, you're, you're okay, Ineed to settle, I need to be
still.
Uh, we don't know what's goingon with you, we don't know if
you're really hurt.
I just need to be right.
He's trying to calm down thesituation.
Take care of it.
There was another guy I've donewith him who was sitting there.
(17:18):
I've done with him, who wassitting there, and he was like
do, do, do, do, do.
Wow, oh, that sucks.
Huh, like there was no impulseto go help, no impulse to.
And so we're starting to see apivot on the younger generation
and I'm not just generationalstuff, but we're starting to see
this uh, young men not havingthat impulse.
(17:39):
We have trained that out ofthem in the system and that's
just as scary as the guys likeus who want to fix everything
and getting that under control.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Yeah, I want to come back to that point about
training that out of our youngpeople.
I love what you said beforethat about you know, asking your
wife.
You know, should I be listeninghere, should I be doing
something here?
I tried that and my wife, inher wisdom and I love her for
(18:15):
this she recognized thatsomething.
I didn't notice at the timebecause I just wanted to please
her, essentially, to make surethings was good and that and
that this was a livableatmosphere in our home.
I want to do whatever I have todo, whatever I have to
sacrifice, whatever I have tokill to make that happen.
I was willing to do that.
She said that she would.
(18:35):
It would hurt her more to see adead man walking around as a
husband, somebody with no life,with no vitality, not doing the
things that he enjoys and loves,just to please me.
And I don't know many women atall that would ever say that.
They would say you know what Iwant, all of that, I want all of
(18:59):
your best and everything anddon't take into consideration
what you need.
So just thought that I thinkmight resonate with some of our
viewers and listeners who may bechallenged with that toe.
In that line.
There's a part of you thatstill has to be shown and
purposeful and vital.
You can't kill it for the sakeof the other person.
(19:19):
That's why people speak to ourorder.
That's my better half.
I don't use terms like thatbecause that's not good, it's
not a good mentality, but wemake each other better, so I
love that part.
Okay, now you were talking abouttraining out of us or training
out of the young people theability to kind of be who
(19:40):
they're supposed to be.
There's a book called WilderHeart, remember it, by John
Eldridge, wilder Heart that bookI'm sitting here doing a book
pub.
I mean that wasn't my plan, butthat book, right there, has
been revolutionary in the way.
I think about that, and itspeaks to the exact same thing.
You mentioned empowering men alot in our pre-interview chat.
Why was it important for you,and your wife as well, to be
(20:01):
engaged and empowered other men?
Tell me why, how that cameabout and how she's involved in
it, and kind of speak to that alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
So we trying to think of how to say this quickly.
I'm not worse than you Go.
It started with solvingproblems for the women in my
life.
I'm a former youth minister.
I spent 20 years working withteenagers.
(20:31):
I would see the ups and downsof the young men and women as
they're growing and maturing.
I'd see boys being carelesswith the hearts of girls and not
understanding that they werebeing careless with the hearts
of girls, right.
And then it evolved into mywife's nice friend circle.
We had this for, I think, twoand a half three years.
(20:55):
Every thursday night we'd haveour house full of our friends.
We'd have this big dinner atour house, full of our friends.
We'd have this big dinner atour house, uh, and the majority
of our friends are female andI'd explain.
I'd I'd listen to them talkabout their husbands or their
boyfriends or whatever.
They complain and fuss and I'dbe like that you, you understand
(21:17):
what's actually happening,right?
They're like well, no, whathe's actually doing is this
right?
And I started translating forthose young women you know, we
were in our 20s or 30s and Istarted translating the men in
their life for them.
A translator, what a job, right.
(21:39):
And they're like oh, my God,brent, you need to write a book
I actually.
So I started writing a book.
What a job, right.
And they're like oh my God,brent, you need to write a book,
I actually.
So I started writing a book.
I was requested, people askedme to write a book and before
the whole mansplain term camealong like that just set off
bells and whistles in my head,the the whole wait, you want me
to write a book for women aboutunderstanding their men.
(22:01):
I just see this ending badly.
But it did start me on thisthought process of you.
Know, I have a lot of women inmy life.
I have all these females in myhouse.
Right, I now have two daughtersI have.
I always get the number wrong.
Right, I now have two daughtersI have.
(22:24):
I always get the number wrong.
I want to say eight nieces, um,from like okay, young, like
younger than my daughters, to30s now, right, I have eight
nieces in that age range.
And I started looking at themand all the frustrations I had
seen as a youth minister withthe young women that I worked
with uh, with men, not young mennot knowing how to interact
(22:46):
with them, how to treat them,and so I started doing the math,
it's like, well, what about mydaughters?
My, my daughters are the babiesin the family, what.
What's it going to be like?
Cause I was seeing the resultof cultural shifts and norms and
it's like, okay, so what'sgoing to be like when my
(23:06):
daughters start dating?
How are they going to find aguy that treats them well and
treats them right?
Oh, wow.
And so I really startedfixating on this.
Right, with so many girls in mylife, having so many nieces and
then having daughters myself, Ireally started fixating on this
idea is like what can I do?
Cause I don't want to mansplainstuff to women and that's not
(23:28):
going to solve the problem.
So what can I do to impact theworld in such a way that I'm
helping the coming generationsof men find their way back to a
better way?
Right, and I'm not saying weshould all go back to 19th
(23:50):
fifties men kind of thing, right.
I don't think that was perfecteither, but I started trying to
find the mix of how do we helpmen want to become the best
version of themselves and liveup to their full potential,
because men who pursue that aregoing to have healthier,
(24:11):
stronger relationships.
They're going to treat peoplebetter.
They're going to live betterwhen we build that
self-awareness and design intomen, when we build that
self-awareness and design intomen.
So I started fixating onbuilding content to help men who
are on that path as well.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Okay, I want to get into some of that content, one
of the things that I know thatmyself finds great value in.
I think you do too.
We kind of bonded in ourprevious chat.
I think our listeners andviewers that are men can relate.
I'm sure that the women thatare listening as well the
(24:50):
mothers, the sisters, thedaughters they can get something
out of it as well.
But men, we deal a lot withisolation.
It's kind of one of the keyissues that we deal with.
We can go deep into spiritualreasons about why we're we're.
We're primed for that.
We won't take every soul to dothat.
I do that on my other shows.
(25:12):
But but in regards to thisthough, we deal with being
solitary and be isolated, and weoften try to find solace in
that.
Talk to me about where you seenthat go wrong for you and how
you helped other men that you'vebeen coaching.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Deal with the uh, avoiding the, the normal trap of
uh isolation and solitary soyou know, the first thing is
just an awareness, right, okay,it took me.
I was aware that I tendedtowards isolation and for, for
(25:50):
everybody listening, pleaseunderstand that a man can be in
the middle of a room full ofpeople and still feel utterly
alone.
Just because we are physicallyamong other people does not mean
that we are actually connectingand out of that isolation.
In fact, it's actually our game, that that's the getaway.
(26:12):
We go do things so it lookslike we're not alone and sad,
but that's really just a game toget people off our backs.
Um, you were talking earlierabout how people see the
pictures of guys like aroundbarbecue grills and stuff like
that.
Like, oh, it's so easy for youguys.
What you don't understand isthose 20 other guys standing
(26:36):
around the barbecue.
Girl, I can stand there forthree hours for those guys and I
don't know any of their namesby the time it's over and I'll
probably never talk to themagain.
We're not bonding, we're notconnecting, we're existing in
the same space and we can getalong and it means nothing,
right?
Um, to actually break throughand get that.
(26:58):
So first comes awareness.
Like I said, for me it wasfairly easy because I grew up
protecting myself, buildingwalls, and just found out my
identity and my family.
That was where I connected.
Uh, but keeping everybody elseaway was just a standard
protocol for me, and so I wasalways aware that I was a bit of
(27:20):
an isolationist, that Iretreated away from people, that
I frequently felt alone.
Um, I was actually just talkingto a friend of mine about this
and it's like and I told him,it's like, look you're, you're
frustrated because you feelalone, because you're not
married.
And right, he's not where hewants to be in that part of his
(27:40):
life.
I said, but you, what you don'tunderstand is I am surrounded
with everything you want and Istill struggle with feeling
alone.
I can be sitting in a room withmy wife and children and still
feel alone.
Men build themselves into anisland and we think that is
strength.
We think that's where we haveto be.
We think that's where we haveto be.
(28:02):
We think that's where we belong, and so it is taking me
becoming I was aware of it, butit's taking me becoming
intentional about trying to moveaway from that.
In my life I've gotten proactive, about trying to spend time
with other men, trying toconnect with other men because,
(28:26):
contrary to all the crappy myths, the lone wolf dies.
That's what happens.
If you understand nature, thelone wolf dies, of course.
Absolutely.
The lone, the single male lion,he dies too, like, whatever
metaphor you want to use, likeit ends badly.
We, we don't.
We're like oh, we're that.
No, you died, that's whathappens.
(28:46):
Okay, people are a social thing, a social organism, so men
actually do better when they dofind that camaraderie.
The problem is that deepcamaraderie only comes in small
connections.
I used to tell people all thetime it's like, if you can get
(29:08):
to the end of the road and andon one hand, you can count the
people who are truly close toyou, you've done Okay, because
the people who are like trulydeeply with you, that's going to
be a really small number,absolutely, that's fair.
We need that.
Part of the reason we mask itwith going around to other
(29:29):
things is we actually need thatbecause while we're not deeply
connecting necessarily in thatgroup, while we may still feel
alone, we actually still feelbetter about ourselves.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
That makes sense, man .
Speaker 2 (29:43):
When we see other men who are experiencing the same
frustrations, and this is why wedon't connect, because men
don't want to talk about howthey feel, right, those are bad
words and but it's why grouptherapy works better than
one-on-one therapy for men.
We want to see other men whoare struggling like we are and
(30:08):
that makes us not feel alone.
To see that we don'tnecessarily want to like become
the best bros with them, butseeing that we're not the only
one struggling with that issuehelps us not feel alone.
Just relatability, right, yeah,knowing we're not the only one
struggling with that issue helpsus not feel alone.
Just relatability, right, yeah.
Knowing we're not, we're notthe only ones, we're not the
(30:29):
island like.
There are a lot of ideas.
They all got the same problemsright, that makes sense and so
this is.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
This is a lot more questions I would ask you, so I
want to watch it on time.
Okay, I want, and it's, I gotplenty more.
You got a whole lot more storyto want to ask you.
I'm watching on time.
I got plenty more, a whole lotmore story to go and I want
people to hear your story.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
So let me jump a little bit so what I encourage
men to do is to start visitingother islands, and that's the
first protocol.
You don't have to go deeplyconnect Like I go to several
Bible studies that I've seensome of the churches in my area,
(31:08):
and it's not that I'm bestfriends with those guys, but we
have a common belief and so thatgives me a point of connection,
and the more point ofconnections I have, the more
likely I am to start to actuallyconnect with somebody.
So that's what I encourage mento do is to find multiple points
(31:29):
of connection, and one of thosemight actually bleed through it
for you.
I like it.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I like it.
One of the things that, just ashusbands and as fathers, we
have to navigate is areas thatwe didn't have the kind of
fathering that we have to giveup.
Talk to us about yourrelationship with your father
(31:56):
and how you think it impactsyour ability to be a father now.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Oh, man and I think we talked about this in our
pre-conversation I was so oh,yeah, we did.
Yeah, I was so incrediblyblessed.
My father was such an amazingman.
I never in my life questionedthat he loved me or that he
supported me or that he wantedto be part of my life.
The hard part was every now andthen keeping me out of parts of
(32:24):
my life, right, um, and so Iwas.
I was very blessed that way.
My my dad came to our sportingevents, my dad came to our music
events or Whatever we did, uh,and in his final years, my
father actually lived with us,his final year of life and he
got to see me start my companyand my podcast and what I'm
(32:48):
doing now.
Oh, wow, that's awesome.
And that was like he was sohappy about what I was doing.
He used to tease me about mynon-ministry ministry because I
was like Dad, it's not afaith-based thing.
He's like, yeah, you just helppeople and have biblical
principles and try and make adifference in people's lives,
(33:12):
but it's totally not a ministry.
And so he teased me about mynon-ministry.
Um, but in his final year, like, I was still working in the
corporate world and I like tocome home after a 10 hour day
and sit on my back porch.
I love my backyard.
It's trashed.
It's so white trash.
(33:32):
Right now there's junk all over.
It looks so bad.
I'm a horrible.
I'm horrible at yard work.
My dad loved to mow his lawn.
I hate mowing my lawn, um, butI'd like to come home and sit on
my back porch in the air,because I've been inside all day
and drink a cup of coffee andunwind.
Before I started on my podcastand stuff, I was working on that
(33:52):
day and my dad was only ever asocial coffee drinker.
He's not like me.
I drink coffee all the time.
He's not like me.
I drink coffee all the time.
But like he would be waiting onthe back porch for me in his
wheelchair to have a cup ofcoffee with me when I got home,
just so he could talk to me.
That's beautiful, bro.
Uh, that was, I mean, justthree years ago or so, right in
(34:14):
his final years, that he wasstill trying to be that dad who
talked to me and listened to meand was engaged with my life and
it's.
I realized in my twenties, um,after a major setback in life,
uh, my dad bailed me out of.
I realized in my twenties, if Ibecame half the father, my
(34:37):
father, my dad was that I willhave done well in my lifetime.
Everything I do as a parentgoes back to my parents.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
I love that.
What's your biggest revelationabout parenting that you learned
up to now?
What's your biggest revelationabout parenting?
Speaker 2 (35:05):
I don't have any music to play, so you gotta
you're on your own with this howincredibly powerful your
parenting can be.
I had such amazing parents andmy mom still lives with us.
My dad passed on a couple yearsago.
My mom lives with us.
I have amazing parents and youknow, at 45, my mom is still a
(35:33):
huge supporter and veryempowering and I love the fact
that she's involved with my kidsand in their life.
But the echoes of the thingsthey did.
At 45, I see the value in theway I was parented.
I see how that impacted my lifeand I really it took a long
(35:57):
time for me to understand justhow critically impacting parents
are for good, are for bad inyour life.
Right, if you had really greatparents, then you you can still
turn into a piece of crap.
Right, there's a lot of choicein everything and that was
(36:18):
that's the other revelation wasyou still have so much choice
involved.
I know parents who are amazingparents and their kids turn into
horrible human beings.
I know parents who are amazingparents and their kids turn into
horrible human beings.
I know parents who werehorrible parents and their kids
turned into amazing human beingsbecause they went.
I will never be like that.
Right, there's still a lot ofindividuality, but I don't think
(36:39):
people understand the depth ofthe impact a parent has on their
life until you get to the end.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
It makes sense.
Tell us why you briefly, tellus briefly why you started the
driven to thrive broadcast.
What kind of launched this?
What started?
Speaker 2 (36:55):
this.
So this goes back to the bookstory.
I started my book and I Iactually wrote a hundred plus
pages.
Oh sweet, congrats, bro.
I still haven't finished itfive years later.
Well, things have changed somuch.
(37:17):
After five years of doing this,the book took a totally
different direction, as always.
Yeah, but I started writingthis book and so I started
looking into self-publishing,cause, you know, I'm I'm not
some famous author.
I'm not going to get randomhouse or somebody to publish my
book, right, I'm a nobody.
So I started looking intoself-publishing and I realized
(37:39):
that was self-publishing.
If I wanted someone other thanmy wife and my mom to read my
book, I had to build an audience, and so I, I I did what
everybody did back in 2020 and Iwas like I'll be social media
man, right, and so I'm gonna beinsta famous.
I was like anybody can be instafamous these days.
I look at these retards oninstagram and like why do people
(38:00):
follow this person?
So I'm like, okay, I can dothis.
Amazing.
Uh, it took two weeks.
You figure out, I hate socialmedia.
Like I hate social media thatlong.
It took two weeks, two weeks,and I was like I am not going to
be able to do this.
Um, I, I hate this likepassionately, venomously hate it
(38:20):
, and so I started looking for adifferent medium to be able to
grow an audience and that's whenI started my podcast, because I
do have a background.
I've been, I've been doingpublic speaking, I spoke,
started having to speak in frontof you know, sometimes hundreds
of people.
When I was 11 years old uh,growing up in the church,
growing up a preacher's kid, Iwas leading worship at 11 years
(38:42):
old, like the call to worshipsongs at the beginning of the
service.
Sometimes they'll do and I grewup in an acapella church, so,
like no musical instruments,it's just me up there starting a
song in front of 200 pluspeople.
Um, so I'm not shy when itcomes to talking.
Uh, I've spoken in front ofthousands of people, so I
thought you know what played inmy strong suit.
(39:02):
Getting me to shut up is thetrick.
I can talk.
I love making podcasts, so I'llstart my own podcast.
Yeah, I started my own podcastin September of 2020, and I fell
in love with it.
I fell in love with podcasting.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
I started around the same time.
Yeah, around September, october.
Yes, same year, everything,september 2020.
This is awesome.
Okay, I like this.
Now, as a man, we have to dealwith our fallibility let's use
that word.
But also you need to adjust andchange, and sometimes I don't
(39:43):
think it's a gender thing.
I think people can be stubborn,generally speaking, and be
resistant to change.
You mentioned in ourpre-interview chat about
building a better relationshipwith your wife.
Now, in 23 years of thismarital journey, I'm sure you
had challenges along the way.
Tell us how, for those that arelistening and watching and are
(40:03):
in a committed relationship likethat, explain how you learned
how to build a betterrelationship.
What are you?
What are you doing?
What kind of a, any, any kindof method you can share briefly
on how to how you've been?
Speaker 2 (40:18):
achieving that?
And the answer is very simpleintentionality.
Okay, we, as men, one of ourgreat failings is we have and I
don't know, I don't know whereit sources from, but as men we
have this failing in our brains,the way it works as far as we
(40:39):
get the girl, and then we'relike we're good, right, and we
start to coast.
You know the first couple years, right, everybody's, everybody
knows the first couple years ofmarriage are usually hot and
heavy and passionate, and you,you, you have passionate moments
, both positive and negative,right, cause fights generally
get pretty passionate at thatpoint too, cause you're young
and stupid and going like, ohright, but after those first
(41:03):
couple of years, we stoppedbeing intentional about our
relationship.
Life happens, good point, wegot bills to pay, we got jobs,
we got to go to, we're bothtired, blah, blah, blah, and we
stop focusing on it becausewe've conquered that.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
We have achieved, we've conquered, we have the
woman, yay, woman, that's thekey word right there.
Conquered, that's the word.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
And the thing is we forget that this isn't a one and
done.
This is a conquering andoccupation you can't just
conquer.
It's an occupation you have to.
Now you are a full-time husband, which means every day you have
to choose to do somethingintentional, to be intentional
(41:46):
about that relationship or thatoccupation is going to end.
That is the key.
To choose to do somethingintentional, to be intentional
about that relationship or thatoccupation's gonna end.
That is the key, right there.
It's intentionality.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
I love that.
One thing I also realized andwe've run out of time quickly,
not getting to all the questions, so we're gonna have to move
speedily from here on out.
But one of the things that Ithink I notice a lot we're going
to have to move speedily fromhere on out.
But one of the things that Ithink I notice a lot when it
comes to men is that and I'veseen this, I think you've seen
(42:20):
it too there's so many of us outhere that are coaches.
We're personal developmentcoaches.
I mean, I'm a certified lifecoach, but I don't talk about it
because it's such a bad nameout here.
I don't even want to beassociated with it, even though
I have a full-blowncertification that didn't really
probably expire by now.
The point is that people wantto be coaches and mentors and
leaders and stuff, but theydon't like the idea of being led
(42:42):
.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
You're a relationship coach a personal development
coach and you coach other people.
Who coaches you?
Um, I actually have severalmentors.
Um, there, there's a podcaster,uh, oliver Marcel, and his wife
Denise.
they run the relationship tradesecrets podcast and all I do is
a relationship work and like Itune into their shows, like I
(43:08):
have a tremendous YouTubechannel.
They have multiple showsbesides their podcast.
Okay, and I, I listen to theirstuff regularly because I know
that part of me beingintentional about my
relationship is putting stuffinto it right, making sure I'm
putting into me and continuingto grow and be, and my wife and
I generally try and do at leastone relationship like retreat,
(43:28):
our class or seminar.
We're very intentional aboutthat.
So, yeah, I I find other peoplein the space that I believe I
can learn from that.
I think they have something toteach me.
Uh, just like I had a businesscoach for a couple years and he
does life coaching and stufflike that.
But, right, I find people thatI think are a step or two ahead
(43:52):
of me at least and seek them out.
I don't stop, right, I mean,yesterday I listened, I listened
to podcasts and stuff in thebackground all day long.
I read books constantly,background, all day long.
I read books constantly.
(44:13):
Um, I never.
I I believe in the concept ofbeing never satiated in my
pursuit of being better, and soI'm always looking for that
person who can show me something, teach me something.
What can I learn here?
Who I need to work on this?
Who can I?
What can I find on this topic?
Right, what can?
What book can I read?
What podcast can I listen to?
I'm always looking for thatnext insight, because there's a
(44:35):
lot of collective wisdom in theworld and we're at a crazy time
where you can reach more thanever before.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
I loved it.
I love that.
So when I say building a betterman, what comes to mind?
What does that mean from yourperspective?
I know people who are herethat'd be like build a better
man.
Men and women might be offendedequally.
But you tell me, though, whatdoes it mean to build a better
(45:04):
man?
Speaker 2 (45:07):
It means consistent improvement.
We have to get out of a betterman as a man who is working on
themselves.
I'm not looking for the perfectman, because the perfect man
doesn't exist.
Well, he did a long time ago,but that's another conversation,
right?
I'm not looking for perfection.
I'm looking at men to step outof stagnation, and that is a
(45:33):
better man, the man who isworking on himself.
I really break people into fourcategories of like life pillars
, and everything in your lifefits in one of those four
segments, and so I look at abetter man building a better man
(45:55):
as a man who is workingactively on trying to improve in
one of those areas on a regularbasis.
Right, a better man is a manwho is self-aware of the fact
that he has space to grow.
Speaker 1 (46:10):
That makes sense.
Okay, I think I got it, we got.
We got time for two morequestions.
Okay, uh, if you were not doingpodcasting and coaching, what
would?
What would Brent be doing?
Speaker 2 (46:25):
Ooh, you know, uh, I don't know.
I've fallen in love withentrepreneurship.
I burnt out on working in thecorporate world.
Honestly, I don't know that Icould ever go back to working in
the corporate world a nine tofive kind of job.
I hear you, and so I mean Iwear a lot of hats.
I'm a podcast producer.
(46:45):
I work in digital marketing fora company out of Florida and we
do a little bit of everythingfor them.
I do voice work and stuff likethat.
So I think if I wasn't doingthe podcast and stuff like that,
if I was just trying to make aliving, I would still have to
pursue business of some kind.
Okay, you do what kind Ihonestly like I would love to
(47:06):
open a gym.
Like I still, okay, you knowwhat kind?
Uh, I honestly like I wouldlove to open a gym.
Like I, I still tend on workopening a gym.
When I started podcasting, itwas because if you're going to
be a podcaster, you have to beable to talk about love, like
truly love.
What you talk about, like ithas to flow through you so much
that you can always talk aboutit.
The only thing I talk about asmuch as this is the gym.
Like I'm a certified personaltrainer that might have expired.
(47:29):
That was the most uselesscertification in history.
It did not improve my trainingbefore after I got it.
And yeah, um, as far as myabilities as a trainer, I've
worked with people for years inthe gym.
I love working with people,especially who are building back
from injury, are trying tocompensate for a permanent
(47:49):
injury.
I have tons of experience at it.
It's the only thing that I can.
I can talk weightlifting andexercise all day long.
I could do a whole podcast onit.
I just decided the space wastoo saturated.
No, that makes sense, though.
That makes sense.
But yeah, I absolutely want toopen my own gym.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Okay, I love the answer.
All right, so just one, or it'skind of a two-part question,
but I'll ask you the first partfirst.
If you can pick one goal,what's the goal for the Driven
to Thrive broadcast?
What do you want to be thesingular thing that people get
(48:30):
from listening to your podcast?
Speaker 2 (48:35):
you were born for so much more I people can settle
you.
You were born for so much moreI love that.
Speaker 1 (48:49):
So we talked about a lot of things, man this is my
final question for you.
We talked about masculinity.
We talked about personaldevelopment and parenting.
We talked about podcasting andfitness, entrepreneurship.
Talked a little bit aboutsocial culture too, and just
faith and fatherhood.
For all our listeners andviewers that are listening and
(49:10):
watching right now or will bewatching on the replay, If
there's a takeaway fromeverything that we talked about,
all the areas that we touched,what would you say to them, even
in the form of advice?
What would you give them advicefor that you think is
life-changing enough to share iton this broadcast?
What would that be?
Speaker 2 (49:33):
Everything of value starts with one small habit.
That's all it takes.
It starts with one simple smallhabit.
It can change the rest of yourlife.
It's really that simple.
It changed my life.
Walking changed your life.
It's really that simple.
It changed my life.
Walking changed my life.
I actually did a whole podcastepisode about this recently.
Walking changed my life Justthe decision to start walking
(49:56):
and moving more.
After years of working at adesk, I realized my health was
getting out of sideways.
So I decided to start walkingduring lunch.
No, like I wasn't running orsprinting or anything.
I just decided to start walkingduring lunch.
No, like I wasn't running orsprinting or anything, I just
decided to get up and move on mylunch break every day.
Walking was the first habit andit absolutely changed the
(50:16):
course of my life because once Imade that habit, my brain
started opening up to morepossibilities.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
I love this man.
That's awesome advice, man.
One little step.
You know I love this man.
That's awesome advice, man.
One little step.
I love that man.
Thanks for being on here withus, man.
This was a fantasticconversation.
I hope that the men and thewomen that were listening will
be listening to the replay andenjoy what they heard.
Tell everybody where they canfind your work.
Let them know now where theycan find your work and we'll get
out of here.
Let them know now where theycan find your work and we'll get
(50:45):
out of here.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
So I've I've rebuilt, I rebranded this year, and so
my new hub is purpose drivenmencom.
You can go there.
You can find my podcast, youcan find our blog, you can find
other stuff I put out for men.
That is home base.
So purpose driven mencom iswhere you want to go.
My newsletter is there,everything so purpose driven.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
Mencom, I love this.
If you don't mind, as we getoff air on our YouTube channel
in the comment section, Brent,where the episode is, drop all
your links there if you don'tmind.
Doing that for them and thatwill.
They missed that, as you justsaid.
They can go there and find itpretty easily.
Support your blog and the restof what you're doing on your
website and everything else.
Man, All right, but this hasbeen fantastic.
(51:29):
Man, Appreciate it so much.
Well, I'm sure it's not gonnabe the last time we talk to each
other.
I'm sure it won't be the lasttime, but I don't think so.
But for all you listeners andviewers, thanks for watching.
Please support the YouTubechannel.
Youtubecom.
At the call me, Mr you.
You'll find this episode hereand some of Brent's links so we
can support his work.
We're out of here.
(51:50):
Have a great day.
Thanks again for watching andlistening.
Welcome back to one on one with Mr you.
Of course I'm your host, Mr you, in studio with us today.
Brent Dowling, relationship andpersonal development coach and
also the host of Driven toThrive broadcast.
Brother, good to have you inthe house, man.
How are you sir?
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Oh, mr you, I'm so excited to be here today, man,
I've been looking forward tothis one.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Same here.
Man, I love that background.
Man, I love those words.
Man, that's for all of us mento live by.
Man, I love that man.
Okay, let's get to our chat.
We had an awesome conversationin our pre-interview chat.
Talked about so many things Ithink are germane to men
worldwide that we need to talkabout.
But before we get into all thatstuff, let's hear about your
(00:59):
childhood man.
Where does Brent come from?
What's your upbringing like,man?
Let's talk about that first andthen we'll get into the heavy
stuff.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Okay, so my upbringing is a little different
than some people.
I'm a preacher's kid and myfather wasn't just a minister,
but he was a domestic missionary.
So we didn't stay anywherelonger than three years on
average, wow.
And so I moved all of thecountry.
(01:27):
I've lived literally from coastto coast at this point, and
north to south, and so everycouple years we'd be somewhere
else, um, and it was.
It had a lot of benefits.
Uh, there's a lot of like, justculturally, different areas of
the country are very unique asyou move around and so it adds
(01:50):
to your exposure.
Right, you experience lifedifferently, uh, because I know,
statistically at this point,most people I think it's some
ridiculously high number, like70 or 80, I don't want to throw
out a definitive because I don'thave it in front of me people
never live outside of like a 15mile radius of where they were
born, and I've lived all overthe country and gotten
(02:12):
experience the differentcultures in the different areas
of the country and it, like Isaid, it changes drastically.
So it changes the way you lookat the world, you.
You have a much broaderperspective when you look at
things Downside is you gothrough a lot of friends.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Yeah, I want to ask you about that, man, because I
know there's an upside to seeingso many different parts of the
world and experiencing cultureand food and atmosphere and
environment and just location.
You know it's all beautifulstuff, man, but what about your
ability to make friends now, nowthat you're not moving around
(02:49):
as a son of a missionary anymore?
What do you?
Is it still a challenge indoing that?
Is there a residual effect tomoving around so much and
knowing our friendships can beshort term?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
I think there's definitely a residual effect.
For instance, like, my familyis super tight-knit, right,
because no matter where we go,my siblings and I can go years
without seeing each otherphysically.
But super tight-knit because,like my sister's halfway across
the country uh, one of mybrothers is in colorado, my
(03:19):
sister's in missouri, I'm out inwas Washington and we can go
sometimes years without gettingto see each other.
Uh, cause we're all very busypeople, right, so we're, but
they're always, there's always.
This deep connection withfriends is not as much so.
And now I mean, I've lived inthe same spot, going on 18 years
, which is a total surprise forme.
(03:40):
Like my children were born andhave been raised in this one
house their whole life, uh, myoldest daughter's 13 but I don't
have a lot of super closefriends.
Okay, and I think I I have a lotof acquaintances, I have a lot
of pretty decent friends and Itry, I'm actively trying to, but
(04:04):
I I don't know if it's adefensive mechanism, because I
got used to having to saygoodbye across all the sweep of
I'm 45 years old now.
I have about five friends thatI have stayed in contact with
over the years and over themiles, the oldest one going back
to about junior high and theother ones in high school, and
(04:28):
we've remained close.
But it's about five, maybe sixpeople and we still go two or
three years without talking toeach other.
Wow, I have two friends thatare in my life regularly, that I
see regularly, wow, I meanthat's.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
That's incredible though, but I get it though,
because you can't live a life Idon't know how many years of
work that you are you know doingthe the moves with your, with
your family, but it's not easyto just kind of snap out of
those kinds of habits.
Yes, so now you're 45 years oldand you're still trying to
figure out which is a good thing.
(05:08):
You are trying to figure it out, but you are trying to figure
out how to create or cultivatelasting friendships and
relationships.
I love that.
I think the thing that I wantto get into somewhere in the
course of this episode it's justabout the fact that, no, this
is a man trying to do thisBecause people think it's easy.
People look at the camaraderiethat we might see in team sports
(05:30):
and athletics or thecommercials that show guys
together doing stuff, and peoplejust kind of assume, oh, it's
easy for us to create that kindof stuff.
It's like no, brent Dallin's onthis show.
To bust that myth right now.
It's not easy for us, and we'regoing to talk about why it's
not easy.
But I want to hit you with aheavy question before we get
(05:51):
into all of that deep stuff thatI want to talk about today.
In many spaces, you know, menget blamed and rightfully so in
some cases for the state ofaffairs in our world and what
things look like Even on groundlevel with families, communities
, nations and such.
But what do you think is thebiggest myth and lie that's told
about men?
That's not true.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
The biggest myth and lie that's told about us is not
true that we have.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Everything they said is not true about us, just to be
clear.
That's why I know there is ananswer, probably more than one,
but go ahead.
The biggest lie is that ouronly value lies in providing.
Let's get into that a littledeeper.
Flesh it out.
For me, the lie that only valueis in our ability to provide
(06:53):
yes, and provision, right.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Most men have heard the three P's right is provide,
preside, protect.
This is very common, especiallyif you get into the circles of
men's communities.
There's a great podcast thatthat's their core tenants.
Right, that's the three things.
They really circle around inthe men's space and it's because
(07:16):
, historically, that that's beenour three primary roles as the
world has evolved.
Right, we don't live in thesame world.
Uh, 50 years ago, much less 100years ago, men aren't having to
fill those exact roles to theextent they used to, right,
(07:37):
however, men have not beentaught any different, so we're
still being raised with thatexpectation that goes back a
thousand plus years, and we'retaught that our ability to
provide for our family is themaximum purpose in our life and
that's where our value comesfrom.
Uh, there's I've seen it quotedby so many people that I don't
(08:01):
know, actually, who originatedthe quote.
It's the only things that areloved in life for what they are
are women and dogs.
Wow, and yeah, everything elseyou have and the right, the
consensus of the idea is thatnothing is truly just loved
(08:24):
because they exist Children,women, dogs, because they exist,
but men, no.
If you don't provide, if youdon't, you know, take care of
something you have no valueSeems a consensus that is.
It may not be outwardly spoken,but it's how we are engaged as
(08:46):
men.
We have to bring some form oftangible value or we have no
value.
Where do you think that comesfrom?
I think that's just ahistorically functional thought.
Right, men were valued.
(09:07):
If we go back in and I hate touse the term evolutionary
history because I don't believein evolution but if you go back
in evolutionary history ofhumans and the way we work,
right, that's what men did.
Men got up and they went andthey hunted, they protected the
village, they protected theirfamilies and that is essentially
their job and that's what theybrought to it.
Women did most of the nurturingand the young raising, the
(09:29):
young.
Men only stepped in when boyshit a certain age.
Right, that was our historicalbackground through all of
society.
Men go, take care of things.
They get it done, they protectus, they make sure we're fed,
they make sure we have a roofover our head and, despite the
world changing so radically, wehave not changed that.
(09:54):
This is what we teach men to do.
This.
This is all we teach men you.
This is what defines you, thisis what makes you valuable.
This is what gives you purposein life.
I get so many people when I talkto me you have a bigger purpose
, right, I've.
I've almost wept when I've hadguys like, but what else?
What else is there?
(10:14):
I take care of my family.
That's what I do, and my halfto all the brothers out there
taking care of their family.
Right, you were taking care ofgood.
Good, that is part of yourpurpose.
Great, you chose to be a dad ora husband.
Great, you're taking care ofyour family.
Excellent, you should.
But there is more to life foryou and you are more valuable
(10:36):
than just that.
And that's the biggest lie theytell men is you don't have any
value.
That is what you're doing.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Wow, that's, that's deep.
I want to get into some more ofthat, but before we do that,
for all listeners and viewersthat are watching right now and
checking us out if you have anyquestions for Brent or myself in
regards to these topics, don'tbe afraid.
Drop them in a live chat in thecomments section.
We'll answer those as soon aswe get them and when it makes
(11:05):
sense to start talking aboutthose.
So go ahead and share thosequestions in the comments, or if
you're just a friend of Brent'sand want to shout him out, by
all means, please do so.
We'd love to see that too.
So one thing and this issomething that I had to learn as
a man heading into his almost30th year of marriage, I felt
(11:25):
like when we had a situationthat happened, the man in me
wanted to try to fix it.
I think men have a fix-itmentality.
I don't mean fixing things asin doing carpentry that's not
even my carpentry, anyways.
I'm more of a creative person,more of a designer, if you will.
I'm not good with putting bitestogether, that's not my thing.
(11:46):
I don't enjoy that.
But whenever we have a problemin a household, I always try to
fix it, and it took me years,and I mean that quite a little
bit, no exaggeration, nohyperbole at all.
It took me years to figure outthat I can't fix everything.
I can't fix everything.
How do we deal with the thoughtthat you just finished talking
(12:07):
about, how that historical ideathat's been ingrained in us,
that's probably not good for usclearly to now be like how do we
address problems and issuesthat we have in our household
and not turn into going to MrFix-It mode and then turn that
switch in the day back in thatbad space again?
(12:28):
How do you deal with it?
Speaker 2 (12:33):
That's an evolving, complex issue, right, because
that's something my wife and Ijust celebrated our 24th
anniversary.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Oh, congrats brother, Congrats man.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Very, very proud of that, and that is one of those
things that took me years tolearn with her right.
Oh, okay, because you knowwe're looking at this question
at a multifaceted level In myrelationship, learning that
that's not what my wife needsfrom me all the time.
That was a really hard, hardlesson for me to get.
I actually all the time likethat was a really hard, hard
(13:08):
lesson for me to get.
Um, I actually got to the pointwhere my wife would start to
talk about something and I Idon't do it as much.
I've learned, right, I evolvedin it, but when I first started
trying to get really cognizantof this and the differences in
our needs, I would be like, oh,all right, pause, baby, do you
need me to fix something or justlisten to something, cause I'm
good either way.
I just I need a guideline here.
Should we get mad?
(13:30):
Cause, like she doesn't wantyou to ask that, right, she
wants you to just know.
But, ladies, if you'relistening, we're tell us it
helps, trust me.
Now I ask this often every nowand then it still comes up, and
so you know, in my marriagethat's taking time to apply and
I still struggle with it becauseI do, I, I'm, I'm still jumping
(13:53):
into you know, superman, fix it.
Oh, because I'm, I'm very mywife and my daughters are
everything to me my, my marriage, my marriage, my relationship,
my children, this is my wholeuniverse.
And so, automatically, right, Iwant to fix the problem because
them, I, I, I, I reallycouldn't care less about myself
(14:17):
most time, but making sure theirworld is okay, it's not just
what I feel like I have to do,it's what I want to do Right,
that's the.
I want to take care of them andso learning to evolve that into
my relationship.
So I'm listening to my wifemore instead of just trying to
fix, because she doesn't alwayswant you to fix it Right.
(14:37):
And some guys are starting tolearn that, uh, guys who really
start to invest in theirmarriage start to learn these
things sometimes.
But then applying that into therest of the world, right, with
my children, it's like, uh, andit's the.
I don't need to fix thisbecause I need to let them
struggle some right, learning tobe a good dad sometimes means
(15:00):
you have to learn that sometimesyour kids have to struggle and
you have to let them, becausethat's where they start to learn
the problem solving.
That's where they start tobuild some character, is in
those struggles, that's wheregrowth really starts to happen.
And so applying it at thatlevel of uh you know
relationship, whether it's agirlfriend or a wife or a parent
(15:25):
, it's like nope, nope, nope.
Take a breath, let them workright, yeah, uh, because that is
intensely like our nature.
We we want to fix that, butalso there are times you have to
learn in the bigger pictureit's like, no, I don't need to
(15:47):
fix this, it's it's what I wantto do.
It's the impulse reaction.
But is this really somethingthat me doing this?
Will this make the world better?
Will it make my life better?
Will it?
Is it actually in my realm ofwhat I should be taking care of?
And having to sit back and notintervene on things that really
(16:11):
aren't necessarily my business,even are my responsibility to do
, but I still want to go do it?
Having to learn to say no tothose impulses is really really
hard for men, yeah, but on theother hand, we have a younger
generation that's actuallyreally struggling with engaging
(16:32):
more when it comes to thosethings.
I had one of my listeners tellme a story.
He just got back from a trip.
He travels a lot and he washaving lunch with some friends
down, like in arizona orsomething, and there was a crash
, a car wreck, right in front ofthe restaurant they were in.
So he jumped up, ran outside,took charge of the scene,
(16:56):
stabilized that one of thedrivers, who was looking pretty
bad.
The guy tried to get up andstart moving.
He started stabilizing him.
You know, he's got basic firstaid and cpr and stuff and he's
like sir, you're, you're okay, Ineed to settle, I need to be
still.
Uh, we don't know what's goingon with you, we don't know if
you're really hurt.
I just need to be right.
He's trying to calm down thesituation.
Take care of it.
There was another guy I've donewith him who was sitting there.
(17:18):
I've done with him, who wassitting there, and he was like
do, do, do, do, do.
Wow, oh, that sucks.
Huh, like there was no impulseto go help, no impulse to.
And so we're starting to see apivot on the younger generation
and I'm not just generationalstuff, but we're starting to see
this uh, young men not havingthat impulse.
(17:39):
We have trained that out ofthem in the system and that's
just as scary as the guys likeus who want to fix everything
and getting that under control.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Yeah, I want to come back to that point about
training that out of our youngpeople.
I love what you said beforethat about you know, asking your
wife.
You know, should I be listeninghere, should I be doing
something here?
I tried that and my wife, inher wisdom and I love her for
(18:15):
this she recognized thatsomething.
I didn't notice at the timebecause I just wanted to please
her, essentially, to make surethings was good and that and
that this was a livableatmosphere in our home.
I want to do whatever I have todo, whatever I have to
sacrifice, whatever I have tokill to make that happen.
I was willing to do that.
She said that she would.
(18:35):
It would hurt her more to see adead man walking around as a
husband, somebody with no life,with no vitality, not doing the
things that he enjoys and loves,just to please me.
And I don't know many women atall that would ever say that.
They would say you know what Iwant, all of that, I want all of
(18:59):
your best and everything anddon't take into consideration
what you need.
So just thought that I thinkmight resonate with some of our
viewers and listeners who may bechallenged with that toe.
In that line.
There's a part of you thatstill has to be shown and
purposeful and vital.
You can't kill it for the sakeof the other person.
(19:19):
That's why people speak to ourorder.
That's my better half.
I don't use terms like thatbecause that's not good, it's
not a good mentality, but wemake each other better, so I
love that part.
Okay, now you were talking abouttraining out of us or training
out of the young people theability to kind of be who
(19:40):
they're supposed to be.
There's a book called WilderHeart, remember it, by John
Eldridge, wilder Heart that bookI'm sitting here doing a book
pub.
I mean that wasn't my plan, butthat book, right there, has
been revolutionary in the way.
I think about that, and itspeaks to the exact same thing.
You mentioned empowering men alot in our pre-interview chat.
Why was it important for you,and your wife as well, to be
(20:01):
engaged and empowered other men?
Tell me why, how that cameabout and how she's involved in
it, and kind of speak to that alittle bit.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
So we trying to think of how to say this quickly.
I'm not worse than you Go.
It started with solvingproblems for the women in my
life.
I'm a former youth minister.
I spent 20 years working withteenagers.
(20:31):
I would see the ups and downsof the young men and women as
they're growing and maturing.
I'd see boys being carelesswith the hearts of girls and not
understanding that they werebeing careless with the hearts
of girls, right.
And then it evolved into mywife's nice friend circle.
We had this for, I think, twoand a half three years.
(20:55):
Every thursday night we'd haveour house full of our friends.
We'd have this big dinner atour house, full of our friends.
We'd have this big dinner atour house, uh, and the majority
of our friends are female andI'd explain.
I'd I'd listen to them talkabout their husbands or their
boyfriends or whatever.
They complain and fuss and I'dbe like that you, you understand
(21:17):
what's actually happening,right?
They're like well, no, whathe's actually doing is this
right?
And I started translating forthose young women you know, we
were in our 20s or 30s and Istarted translating the men in
their life for them.
A translator, what a job, right.
(21:39):
And they're like oh, my God,brent, you need to write a book
I actually.
So I started writing a book.
What a job, right.
And they're like oh my God,brent, you need to write a book,
I actually.
So I started writing a book.
I was requested, people askedme to write a book and before
the whole mansplain term camealong like that just set off
bells and whistles in my head,the the whole wait, you want me
to write a book for women aboutunderstanding their men.
(22:01):
I just see this ending badly.
But it did start me on thisthought process of you.
Know, I have a lot of women inmy life.
I have all these females in myhouse.
Right, I now have two daughtersI have.
I always get the number wrong.
Right, I now have two daughtersI have.
(22:24):
I always get the number wrong.
I want to say eight nieces, um,from like okay, young, like
younger than my daughters, to30s now, right, I have eight
nieces in that age range.
And I started looking at themand all the frustrations I had
seen as a youth minister withthe young women that I worked
with uh, with men, not young mennot knowing how to interact
(22:46):
with them, how to treat them,and so I started doing the math,
it's like, well, what about mydaughters?
My, my daughters are the babiesin the family, what.
What's it going to be like?
Cause I was seeing the resultof cultural shifts and norms and
it's like, okay, so what'sgoing to be like when my
(23:06):
daughters start dating?
How are they going to find aguy that treats them well and
treats them right?
Oh, wow.
And so I really startedfixating on this.
Right, with so many girls in mylife, having so many nieces and
then having daughters myself, Ireally started fixating on this
idea is like what can I do?
Cause I don't want to mansplainstuff to women and that's not
(23:28):
going to solve the problem.
So what can I do to impact theworld in such a way that I'm
helping the coming generationsof men find their way back to a
better way?
Right, and I'm not saying weshould all go back to 19th
(23:50):
fifties men kind of thing, right.
I don't think that was perfecteither, but I started trying to
find the mix of how do we helpmen want to become the best
version of themselves and liveup to their full potential,
because men who pursue that aregoing to have healthier,
(24:11):
stronger relationships.
They're going to treat peoplebetter.
They're going to live betterwhen we build that
self-awareness and design intomen, when we build that
self-awareness and design intomen.
So I started fixating onbuilding content to help men who
are on that path as well.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Okay, I want to get into some of that content, one
of the things that I know thatmyself finds great value in.
I think you do too.
We kind of bonded in ourprevious chat.
I think our listeners andviewers that are men can relate.
I'm sure that the women thatare listening as well the
(24:50):
mothers, the sisters, thedaughters they can get something
out of it as well.
But men, we deal a lot withisolation.
It's kind of one of the keyissues that we deal with.
We can go deep into spiritualreasons about why we're we're.
We're primed for that.
We won't take every soul to dothat.
I do that on my other shows.
(25:12):
But but in regards to thisthough, we deal with being
solitary and be isolated, and weoften try to find solace in
that.
Talk to me about where you seenthat go wrong for you and how
you helped other men that you'vebeen coaching.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Deal with the uh, avoiding the, the normal trap of
uh isolation and solitary soyou know, the first thing is
just an awareness, right, okay,it took me.
I was aware that I tendedtowards isolation and for, for
(25:50):
everybody listening, pleaseunderstand that a man can be in
the middle of a room full ofpeople and still feel utterly
alone.
Just because we are physicallyamong other people does not mean
that we are actually connectingand out of that isolation.
In fact, it's actually our game, that that's the getaway.
(26:12):
We go do things so it lookslike we're not alone and sad,
but that's really just a game toget people off our backs.
Um, you were talking earlierabout how people see the
pictures of guys like aroundbarbecue grills and stuff like
that.
Like, oh, it's so easy for youguys.
What you don't understand isthose 20 other guys standing
(26:36):
around the barbecue.
Girl, I can stand there forthree hours for those guys and I
don't know any of their namesby the time it's over and I'll
probably never talk to themagain.
We're not bonding, we're notconnecting, we're existing in
the same space and we can getalong and it means nothing,
right?
Um, to actually break throughand get that.
(26:58):
So first comes awareness.
Like I said, for me it wasfairly easy because I grew up
protecting myself, buildingwalls, and just found out my
identity and my family.
That was where I connected.
Uh, but keeping everybody elseaway was just a standard
protocol for me, and so I wasalways aware that I was a bit of
(27:20):
an isolationist, that Iretreated away from people, that
I frequently felt alone.
Um, I was actually just talkingto a friend of mine about this
and it's like and I told him,it's like, look you're, you're
frustrated because you feelalone, because you're not
married.
And right, he's not where hewants to be in that part of his
(27:40):
life.
I said, but you, what you don'tunderstand is I am surrounded
with everything you want and Istill struggle with feeling
alone.
I can be sitting in a room withmy wife and children and still
feel alone.
Men build themselves into anisland and we think that is
strength.
We think that's where we haveto be.
We think that's where we haveto be.
(28:02):
We think that's where we belong, and so it is taking me
becoming I was aware of it, butit's taking me becoming
intentional about trying to moveaway from that.
In my life I've gotten proactive, about trying to spend time
with other men, trying toconnect with other men because,
(28:26):
contrary to all the crappy myths, the lone wolf dies.
That's what happens.
If you understand nature, thelone wolf dies, of course.
Absolutely.
The lone, the single male lion,he dies too, like, whatever
metaphor you want to use, likeit ends badly.
We, we don't.
We're like oh, we're that.
No, you died, that's whathappens.
(28:46):
Okay, people are a social thing, a social organism, so men
actually do better when they dofind that camaraderie.
The problem is that deepcamaraderie only comes in small
connections.
I used to tell people all thetime it's like, if you can get
(29:08):
to the end of the road and andon one hand, you can count the
people who are truly close toyou, you've done Okay, because
the people who are like trulydeeply with you, that's going to
be a really small number,absolutely, that's fair.
We need that.
Part of the reason we mask itwith going around to other
(29:29):
things is we actually need thatbecause while we're not deeply
connecting necessarily in thatgroup, while we may still feel
alone, we actually still feelbetter about ourselves.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
That makes sense, man .
Speaker 2 (29:43):
When we see other men who are experiencing the same
frustrations, and this is why wedon't connect, because men
don't want to talk about howthey feel, right, those are bad
words and but it's why grouptherapy works better than
one-on-one therapy for men.
We want to see other men whoare struggling like we are and
(30:08):
that makes us not feel alone.
To see that we don'tnecessarily want to like become
the best bros with them, butseeing that we're not the only
one struggling with that issuehelps us not feel alone.
Just relatability, right, yeah,knowing we're not the only one
struggling with that issue helpsus not feel alone.
Just relatability, right, yeah.
Knowing we're not, we're notthe only ones, we're not the
(30:29):
island like.
There are a lot of ideas.
They all got the same problemsright, that makes sense and so
this is.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
This is a lot more questions I would ask you, so I
want to watch it on time.
Okay, I want, and it's, I gotplenty more.
You got a whole lot more storyto want to ask you.
I'm watching on time.
I got plenty more, a whole lotmore story to go and I want
people to hear your story.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
So let me jump a little bit so what I encourage
men to do is to start visitingother islands, and that's the
first protocol.
You don't have to go deeplyconnect Like I go to several
Bible studies that I've seensome of the churches in my area,
(31:08):
and it's not that I'm bestfriends with those guys, but we
have a common belief and so thatgives me a point of connection,
and the more point ofconnections I have, the more
likely I am to start to actuallyconnect with somebody.
So that's what I encourage mento do is to find multiple points
(31:29):
of connection, and one of thosemight actually bleed through it
for you.
I like it.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I like it.
One of the things that, just ashusbands and as fathers, we
have to navigate is areas thatwe didn't have the kind of
fathering that we have to giveup.
Talk to us about yourrelationship with your father
(31:56):
and how you think it impactsyour ability to be a father now.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Oh, man and I think we talked about this in our
pre-conversation I was so oh,yeah, we did.
Yeah, I was so incrediblyblessed.
My father was such an amazingman.
I never in my life questionedthat he loved me or that he
supported me or that he wantedto be part of my life.
The hard part was every now andthen keeping me out of parts of
(32:24):
my life, right, um, and so Iwas.
I was very blessed that way.
My my dad came to our sportingevents, my dad came to our music
events or Whatever we did, uh,and in his final years, my
father actually lived with us,his final year of life and he
got to see me start my companyand my podcast and what I'm
(32:48):
doing now.
Oh, wow, that's awesome.
And that was like he was sohappy about what I was doing.
He used to tease me about mynon-ministry ministry because I
was like Dad, it's not afaith-based thing.
He's like, yeah, you just helppeople and have biblical
principles and try and make adifference in people's lives,
(33:12):
but it's totally not a ministry.
And so he teased me about mynon-ministry.
Um, but in his final year, like, I was still working in the
corporate world and I like tocome home after a 10 hour day
and sit on my back porch.
I love my backyard.
It's trashed.
It's so white trash.
(33:32):
Right now there's junk all over.
It looks so bad.
I'm a horrible.
I'm horrible at yard work.
My dad loved to mow his lawn.
I hate mowing my lawn, um, butI'd like to come home and sit on
my back porch in the air,because I've been inside all day
and drink a cup of coffee andunwind.
Before I started on my podcastand stuff, I was working on that
(33:52):
day and my dad was only ever asocial coffee drinker.
He's not like me.
I drink coffee all the time.
He's not like me.
I drink coffee all the time.
But like he would be waiting onthe back porch for me in his
wheelchair to have a cup ofcoffee with me when I got home,
just so he could talk to me.
That's beautiful, bro.
Uh, that was, I mean, justthree years ago or so, right in
(34:14):
his final years, that he wasstill trying to be that dad who
talked to me and listened to meand was engaged with my life and
it's.
I realized in my twenties, um,after a major setback in life,
uh, my dad bailed me out of.
I realized in my twenties, if Ibecame half the father, my
(34:37):
father, my dad was that I willhave done well in my lifetime.
Everything I do as a parentgoes back to my parents.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
I love that.
What's your biggest revelationabout parenting that you learned
up to now?
What's your biggest revelationabout parenting?
Speaker 2 (35:05):
I don't have any music to play, so you gotta
you're on your own with this howincredibly powerful your
parenting can be.
I had such amazing parents andmy mom still lives with us.
My dad passed on a couple yearsago.
My mom lives with us.
I have amazing parents and youknow, at 45, my mom is still a
(35:33):
huge supporter and veryempowering and I love the fact
that she's involved with my kidsand in their life.
But the echoes of the thingsthey did.
At 45, I see the value in theway I was parented.
I see how that impacted my lifeand I really it took a long
(35:57):
time for me to understand justhow critically impacting parents
are for good, are for bad inyour life.
Right, if you had really greatparents, then you you can still
turn into a piece of crap.
Right, there's a lot of choicein everything and that was
(36:18):
that's the other revelation wasyou still have so much choice
involved.
I know parents who are amazingparents and their kids turn into
horrible human beings.
I know parents who are amazingparents and their kids turn into
horrible human beings.
I know parents who werehorrible parents and their kids
turned into amazing human beingsbecause they went.
I will never be like that.
Right, there's still a lot ofindividuality, but I don't think
(36:39):
people understand the depth ofthe impact a parent has on their
life until you get to the end.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
It makes sense.
Tell us why you briefly, tellus briefly why you started the
driven to thrive broadcast.
What kind of launched this?
What started?
Speaker 2 (36:55):
this.
So this goes back to the bookstory.
I started my book and I Iactually wrote a hundred plus
pages.
Oh sweet, congrats, bro.
I still haven't finished itfive years later.
Well, things have changed somuch.
(37:17):
After five years of doing this,the book took a totally
different direction, as always.
Yeah, but I started writingthis book and so I started
looking into self-publishing,cause, you know, I'm I'm not
some famous author.
I'm not going to get randomhouse or somebody to publish my
book, right, I'm a nobody.
So I started looking intoself-publishing and I realized
(37:39):
that was self-publishing.
If I wanted someone other thanmy wife and my mom to read my
book, I had to build an audience, and so I, I I did what
everybody did back in 2020 and Iwas like I'll be social media
man, right, and so I'm gonna beinsta famous.
I was like anybody can be instafamous these days.
I look at these retards oninstagram and like why do people
(38:00):
follow this person?
So I'm like, okay, I can dothis.
Amazing.
Uh, it took two weeks.
You figure out, I hate socialmedia.
Like I hate social media thatlong.
It took two weeks, two weeks,and I was like I am not going to
be able to do this.
Um, I, I hate this likepassionately, venomously hate it
(38:20):
, and so I started looking for adifferent medium to be able to
grow an audience and that's whenI started my podcast, because I
do have a background.
I've been, I've been doingpublic speaking, I spoke,
started having to speak in frontof you know, sometimes hundreds
of people.
When I was 11 years old uh,growing up in the church,
growing up a preacher's kid, Iwas leading worship at 11 years
(38:42):
old, like the call to worshipsongs at the beginning of the
service.
Sometimes they'll do and I grewup in an acapella church, so,
like no musical instruments,it's just me up there starting a
song in front of 200 pluspeople.
Um, so I'm not shy when itcomes to talking.
Uh, I've spoken in front ofthousands of people, so I
thought you know what played inmy strong suit.
(39:02):
Getting me to shut up is thetrick.
I can talk.
I love making podcasts, so I'llstart my own podcast.
Yeah, I started my own podcastin September of 2020, and I fell
in love with it.
I fell in love with podcasting.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
I started around the same time.
Yeah, around September, october.
Yes, same year, everything,september 2020.
This is awesome.
Okay, I like this.
Now, as a man, we have to dealwith our fallibility let's use
that word.
But also you need to adjust andchange, and sometimes I don't
(39:43):
think it's a gender thing.
I think people can be stubborn,generally speaking, and be
resistant to change.
You mentioned in ourpre-interview chat about
building a better relationshipwith your wife.
Now, in 23 years of thismarital journey, I'm sure you
had challenges along the way.
Tell us how, for those that arelistening and watching and are
(40:03):
in a committed relationship likethat, explain how you learned
how to build a betterrelationship.
What are you?
What are you doing?
What kind of a, any, any kindof method you can share briefly
on how to how you've been?
Speaker 2 (40:18):
achieving that?
And the answer is very simpleintentionality.
Okay, we, as men, one of ourgreat failings is we have and I
don't know, I don't know whereit sources from, but as men we
have this failing in our brains,the way it works as far as we
(40:39):
get the girl, and then we'relike we're good, right, and we
start to coast.
You know the first couple years, right, everybody's, everybody
knows the first couple years ofmarriage are usually hot and
heavy and passionate, and you,you, you have passionate moments
, both positive and negative,right, cause fights generally
get pretty passionate at thatpoint too, cause you're young
and stupid and going like, ohright, but after those first
(41:03):
couple of years, we stoppedbeing intentional about our
relationship.
Life happens, good point, wegot bills to pay, we got jobs,
we got to go to, we're bothtired, blah, blah, blah, and we
stop focusing on it becausewe've conquered that.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
We have achieved, we've conquered, we have the
woman, yay, woman, that's thekey word right there.
Conquered, that's the word.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
And the thing is we forget that this isn't a one and
done.
This is a conquering andoccupation you can't just
conquer.
It's an occupation you have to.
Now you are a full-time husband, which means every day you have
to choose to do somethingintentional, to be intentional
(41:46):
about that relationship or thatoccupation is going to end.
That is the key.
To choose to do somethingintentional, to be intentional
about that relationship or thatoccupation's gonna end.
That is the key, right there.
It's intentionality.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
I love that.
One thing I also realized andwe've run out of time quickly,
not getting to all the questions, so we're gonna have to move
speedily from here on out.
But one of the things that Ithink I notice a lot we're going
to have to move speedily fromhere on out.
But one of the things that Ithink I notice a lot when it
comes to men is that and I'veseen this, I think you've seen
(42:20):
it too there's so many of us outhere that are coaches.
We're personal developmentcoaches.
I mean, I'm a certified lifecoach, but I don't talk about it
because it's such a bad nameout here.
I don't even want to beassociated with it, even though
I have a full-blowncertification that didn't really
probably expire by now.
The point is that people wantto be coaches and mentors and
leaders and stuff, but theydon't like the idea of being led
(42:42):
.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
You're a relationship coach a personal development
coach and you coach other people.
Who coaches you?
Um, I actually have severalmentors.
Um, there, there's a podcaster,uh, oliver Marcel, and his wife
Denise.
they run the relationship tradesecrets podcast and all I do is
a relationship work and like Itune into their shows, like I
(43:08):
have a tremendous YouTubechannel.
They have multiple showsbesides their podcast.
Okay, and I, I listen to theirstuff regularly because I know
that part of me beingintentional about my
relationship is putting stuffinto it right, making sure I'm
putting into me and continuingto grow and be, and my wife and
I generally try and do at leastone relationship like retreat,
(43:28):
our class or seminar.
We're very intentional aboutthat.
So, yeah, I I find other peoplein the space that I believe I
can learn from that.
I think they have something toteach me.
Uh, just like I had a businesscoach for a couple years and he
does life coaching and stufflike that.
But, right, I find people thatI think are a step or two ahead
(43:52):
of me at least and seek them out.
I don't stop, right, I mean,yesterday I listened, I listened
to podcasts and stuff in thebackground all day long.
I read books constantly,background, all day long.
I read books constantly.
(44:13):
Um, I never.
I I believe in the concept ofbeing never satiated in my
pursuit of being better, and soI'm always looking for that
person who can show me something, teach me something.
What can I learn here?
Who I need to work on this?
Who can I?
What can I find on this topic?
Right, what can?
What book can I read?
What podcast can I listen to?
I'm always looking for thatnext insight, because there's a
(44:35):
lot of collective wisdom in theworld and we're at a crazy time
where you can reach more thanever before.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
I loved it.
I love that.
So when I say building a betterman, what comes to mind?
What does that mean from yourperspective?
I know people who are herethat'd be like build a better
man.
Men and women might be offendedequally.
But you tell me, though, whatdoes it mean to build a better
(45:04):
man?
Speaker 2 (45:07):
It means consistent improvement.
We have to get out of a betterman as a man who is working on
themselves.
I'm not looking for the perfectman, because the perfect man
doesn't exist.
Well, he did a long time ago,but that's another conversation,
right?
I'm not looking for perfection.
I'm looking at men to step outof stagnation, and that is a
(45:33):
better man, the man who isworking on himself.
I really break people into fourcategories of like life pillars
, and everything in your lifefits in one of those four
segments, and so I look at abetter man building a better man
(45:55):
as a man who is workingactively on trying to improve in
one of those areas on a regularbasis.
Right, a better man is a manwho is self-aware of the fact
that he has space to grow.
Speaker 1 (46:10):
That makes sense.
Okay, I think I got it, we got.
We got time for two morequestions.
Okay, uh, if you were not doingpodcasting and coaching, what
would?
What would Brent be doing?
Speaker 2 (46:25):
Ooh, you know, uh, I don't know.
I've fallen in love withentrepreneurship.
I burnt out on working in thecorporate world.
Honestly, I don't know that Icould ever go back to working in
the corporate world a nine tofive kind of job.
I hear you, and so I mean Iwear a lot of hats.
I'm a podcast producer.
(46:45):
I work in digital marketing fora company out of Florida and we
do a little bit of everythingfor them.
I do voice work and stuff likethat.
So I think if I wasn't doingthe podcast and stuff like that,
if I was just trying to make aliving, I would still have to
pursue business of some kind.
Okay, you do what kind Ihonestly like I would love to
(47:06):
open a gym.
Like I still, okay, you knowwhat kind?
Uh, I honestly like I wouldlove to open a gym.
Like I, I still tend on workopening a gym.
When I started podcasting, itwas because if you're going to
be a podcaster, you have to beable to talk about love, like
truly love.
What you talk about, like ithas to flow through you so much
that you can always talk aboutit.
The only thing I talk about asmuch as this is the gym.
Like I'm a certified personaltrainer that might have expired.
(47:29):
That was the most uselesscertification in history.
It did not improve my trainingbefore after I got it.
And yeah, um, as far as myabilities as a trainer, I've
worked with people for years inthe gym.
I love working with people,especially who are building back
from injury, are trying tocompensate for a permanent
(47:49):
injury.
I have tons of experience at it.
It's the only thing that I can.
I can talk weightlifting andexercise all day long.
I could do a whole podcast onit.
I just decided the space wastoo saturated.
No, that makes sense, though.
That makes sense.
But yeah, I absolutely want toopen my own gym.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Okay, I love the answer.
All right, so just one, or it'skind of a two-part question,
but I'll ask you the first partfirst.
If you can pick one goal,what's the goal for the Driven
to Thrive broadcast?
What do you want to be thesingular thing that people get
(48:30):
from listening to your podcast?
Speaker 2 (48:35):
you were born for so much more I people can settle
you.
You were born for so much moreI love that.
Speaker 1 (48:49):
So we talked about a lot of things, man this is my
final question for you.
We talked about masculinity.
We talked about personaldevelopment and parenting.
We talked about podcasting andfitness, entrepreneurship.
Talked a little bit aboutsocial culture too, and just
faith and fatherhood.
For all our listeners andviewers that are listening and
(49:10):
watching right now or will bewatching on the replay, If
there's a takeaway fromeverything that we talked about,
all the areas that we touched,what would you say to them, even
in the form of advice?
What would you give them advicefor that you think is
life-changing enough to share iton this broadcast?
What would that be?
Speaker 2 (49:33):
Everything of value starts with one small habit.
That's all it takes.
It starts with one simple smallhabit.
It can change the rest of yourlife.
It's really that simple.
It changed my life.
Walking changed your life.
It's really that simple.
It changed my life.
Walking changed my life.
I actually did a whole podcastepisode about this recently.
Walking changed my life Justthe decision to start walking
(49:56):
and moving more.
After years of working at adesk, I realized my health was
getting out of sideways.
So I decided to start walkingduring lunch.
No, like I wasn't running orsprinting or anything.
I just decided to start walkingduring lunch.
No, like I wasn't running orsprinting or anything, I just
decided to get up and move on mylunch break every day.
Walking was the first habit andit absolutely changed the
(50:16):
course of my life because once Imade that habit, my brain
started opening up to morepossibilities.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
I love this man.
That's awesome advice, man.
One little step.
You know I love this man.
That's awesome advice, man.
One little step.
I love that man.
Thanks for being on here withus, man.
This was a fantasticconversation.
I hope that the men and thewomen that were listening will
be listening to the replay andenjoy what they heard.
Tell everybody where they canfind your work.
Let them know now where theycan find your work and we'll get
out of here.
Let them know now where theycan find your work and we'll get
(50:45):
out of here.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
So I've I've rebuilt, I rebranded this year, and so
my new hub is purpose drivenmencom.
You can go there.
You can find my podcast, youcan find our blog, you can find
other stuff I put out for men.
That is home base.
So purpose driven mencom iswhere you want to go.
My newsletter is there,everything so purpose driven.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
Mencom, I love this.
If you don't mind, as we getoff air on our YouTube channel
in the comment section, Brent,where the episode is, drop all
your links there if you don'tmind.
Doing that for them and thatwill.
They missed that, as you justsaid.
They can go there and find itpretty easily.
Support your blog and the restof what you're doing on your
website and everything else.
Man, All right, but this hasbeen fantastic.
(51:29):
Man, Appreciate it so much.
Well, I'm sure it's not gonnabe the last time we talk to each
other.
I'm sure it won't be the lasttime, but I don't think so.
But for all you listeners andviewers, thanks for watching.
Please support the YouTubechannel.
Youtubecom.
At the call me, Mr you.
You'll find this episode hereand some of Brent's links so we
can support his work.
We're out of here.
(51:50):
Have a great day.
Thanks again for watching andlistening.
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