January 27, 2025 • 47 mins
Melanie Hall shares her profound journey of grief after losing her son, Bennett, and how she navigated motherhood amidst the trauma, deep heartache, and being a mother to two children under two. She discusses the challenges of grief, the importance of community support, and the transformative power of writing as a healing tool.
• Introduction to Melanie Hall and her family
• Moving to Nashville and the challenges of pregnancy
• Details of the pregnancy and delivery of Bennett
• The experience of losing a child and the rush to the hospital
• Postpartum struggles and the impact on motherhood
• The role of writing in the healing process
• Birth of Josie and navigating fears and triumphs
• Faith and resilience amidst grief
• Supporting grieving parents and the importance of remembering
• Legacy of Bennett through music and family connections
Please visit Melanie's blog: http://www.ourmomentsofpeace.com/ and listen to their talented kids...all honoring their brother Bennett: https://www.thebennetthallband.com/.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
We'd love to hear from our followers!
Website: https://www.warriormoms.me/
Facebook: Warrior Moms-The Club No One Wants to Be In
Instagram: WarriorMoms.SurvivingChildLoss
With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
I am Michelle.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
And I'm Amy and we're so glad y'all are here.
I believe this is our firstkickoff for the new year.
Yes, we're dragging our feetthis year, but we're back at it
and I'm excited because this formultiple reasons, because we're
doing something completelydifferent this time with this
podcast.
(00:26):
This is someone that is notlocal to Atlanta, that is not in
our group or that we know allabout.
I do know Melanie from gosh.
We decided that we've knowneach other longer than we
haven't known each other, whichmakes me feel young and hurt.
(00:46):
Old, yeah, very old, but yes, itis somebody I've known for a
very long time and have followedher story time and time again.
We're also talking about aninfant.
This is the first infant thatwe've spoken of, so I know that
that's just a whole nother levelof grief and loss that we
(01:06):
personally haven't experienced,or anyone in our grief has.
So I'm looking really forwardto it.
So this is Melanie Hall and sheis going to talk to us about
her sweet baby boy, bennett.
So, Melanie, tell us a littlebit about yourself and all the
fun things.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Well, I live right outside of Nashville, tennessee,
and I have three children.
There are girls, one that's 17,one that's 15, and one that's
12.
And we live here and we movedhere, I guess, about 16 years
ago.
My husband's a localchiropractor in the area and, um
(01:44):
, we moved here knowing nobodyand we and left all of my
friends and family in Georgia,which is really hard.
That's where everybody I have31 first cousins and they're
almost all still there except me.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
So yeah, that is a big move.
It was, but now you're settled.
So how long have you been inNashville?
Speaker 3 (02:09):
We've been here about 15 years, almost 16.
I guess almost 16.
So I've been here a long time.
We moved here.
My second born was eight weeksold when we moved here, so I
moved here with two babies.
I was 17 months old and eightweeks old Wow.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
You depended on each other.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Yes, yes, we started a business, so it was quite a
move.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Oh my heavens Wow.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
The Lord is the only thing that kept me going.
Oh, it was brutal, it was sobrutal and then after so y'all
moved there and Kat and Presleywere little, and then you had a
third child.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Yeah, so Kat and Presley are 15 months apart, and
so we moved here.
In.
Presley was eight weeks.
We moved here in July of 2009.
Um, Presley was eight weeks.
We moved here in July of 2009.
And, and we were here about um,I guess three or four months and
(03:13):
we were pregnant again and umyeah, yeah and um, you know when
we when I think back on it, Ijust think I can remember how
overwhelmed we were that we werepregnant again, um, and so a
little bit about how we do.
My husband is a chiropractorand so Kat and Presley were born
at home, so we're very naturalminded.
We had home births.
We, we use, uh, midwives, so we, our midwives, obviously, that
(03:37):
we'd used in the past, were inAtlanta, um, so we had to do
some research and some findingof help for this baby that we,
this next baby that we weregoing to have at home, we hoped,
and that was going to be 14months younger than Presley, so
then we would have had them like15 months apart and then 14
months apart.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Yes, yes, goodness sakes.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Yes, yes, so, yeah.
So we were pregnant in the fall, and then Bennett was due.
August of 2010 was his actualdue date.
I always say kind of my, youknow, jesus gives everybody
(04:24):
their own cross to bear and minehas always been.
In child birth and also in justcarrying babies, I struggled
with all of mine, they all had Ieither bled or was on bed rest,
or Kat was a 36 week baby.
I mean, we just it was alwayshard, it was never easy.
Then it was no different.
We were.
I was sick.
(04:45):
The whole pregnancy, you know,never felt good and my kids were
very small.
So, and my husband at the timewas working on starting a
practice, and then also at nighthe parked cars, he valet parked
cars to make money.
So we were kind of here byourselves, living in this rental
(05:06):
house that was out on 15 acresit was all very new, you know,
and um and so yeah.
So we had a tough pregnancy, um, but I was pregnant, um with
alongside my cousin Samantha.
She was pregnant with me, mysister was pregnant with me and
my very best girlfriend, um, wholives in Western Canada,
(05:30):
actually was also pregnant withme, as she and I were due a day
apart, oh my gosh.
So, as hard as it seemed, itwas kind of fun.
We were all pregnant together,you know, talking about all the
things and yeah, yeah, um.
So I had um.
When we got to just about, Iguess, 20 weeks, I had had a
(05:54):
couple of midwife visits wherethey had come and like found
well, I bled early in thepregnancy, which I do all my
pregnancies and then so they'dcome at about 13 weeks and found
the heartbeat.
So we knew we were stillpregnant and then I was already
feeling, then it moved and youknow, so I knew that we had had
a healthy pregnancy going andthen, at about 20 weeks, I
(06:18):
started to bleed and so it was,you know, looking back now, I
think we're, I think lookingback now when you hear the end
of the story you'll understandwhy.
But I think what we should havedone was probably just go on
into the hospital.
But at the time we I had bledwith all my pregnancies and both
(06:39):
Kat and Presley and we had hadyou know, we've carried them
both to term and had thesehealthy babies.
And so instead we um had themidwife come and she could not
find a heartbeat.
So she was like there's noheartbeat, and so I just think
that, um, you're gonna, you justare going to basically just
(07:02):
miscarry, and I'm not sure thatthe that that there would have
been like a, how she describedit was, she thinks that we lost
Bennett much earlier and then Iwas just going to, like, deliver
just tissue, basically you knowthat, what my body had not
absorbed.
And so she kind of stuck aroundwith us and we were like, okay,
(07:23):
well, and I'm very mentallytough.
I mean, I had child, you know,birth my own kids at home, so
I'm not you know, I kind of soI'm just like, okay, well, this
really just sucks, but we'regonna just, you know, we're
gonna, we're gonna do it.
And I had two babies and wecalled my mom.
My mom came in town and and, uh, because we knew I was going to
(07:43):
have to miscarry like throughthe night.
And so she came in town and, um, and I was kind of mentally
prepared to just, you know, okay, we'll just move on.
And so I went into labor and,uh, and it lasted much longer
than we thought, and when Irealized I was going to have to
push, I knew we were in bigtrouble, Like I, all of a sudden
(08:05):
I was like, ah, I said I canremember saying to Sean um, I
think, I think this is a baby,Like I'm having to like push,
you know, and and yeah, and so,um, sure enough, he came feet
first and I said to Sean there'sfeet.
And when I realized there therewere feet, I was like on
(08:26):
there's feet.
And when I realized there werefeet, I was like, oh, my
goodness, like this is not whatI thought we were about to do
you know, and so, um, she, hewas on the phone with our
midwife in Atlanta and she, um,she was talking through it with
him and she's like you're goingto have to be super careful,
make sure she doesn't hemorrhage, you know, because now we
realize we're by ourselves andwe realize we're not just
miscarrying.
You know, this baby that'sbasically been absorbed, we're
(08:50):
delivering a child.
So, anyway, we delivered, Idelivered him, I had to, I
delivered him and when Idelivered him, my placenta tore
away.
So it went from oh, this issuper traumatic.
We just delivered this baby inthis house to.
I was hemorrhaging everywhere,so it went from one emergency to
(09:11):
the next emergency it wasterrifying.
We just weren't prepared.
We had been, we weren't.
The midwife had just missed.
It wasn't her fault, but shejust was misinformed and it was.
It was very dangerous, honestly.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Oh yeah, Because your heart rate drops and oxygen and
all of those things.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Yeah, you're not having girls separate away.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Still there, okay, the girls Right, yeah, so the
girls are like in the front roomwith my mom, and so then I say
to Sean, you're going to have togo, wait, mom, tell her we have
to go to the hospital,obviously.
And he drives me to thehospital and and I say to him, I
say where's the baby, you know,and he's like I have him, I
have it in a towel.
And he had just wrapped thebaby, you know, and he's like I
(10:05):
have him, I have it in a towel,and he just wrapped the baby up
and and taken the baby with usto the hospital.
And so the hospital was verylike emergent whistles and you
know doctors and a dnc and itwas.
It was complete and utter chaosit was so much it.
Just I cannot.
We were.
(10:26):
I was in such bad shape by thetime he got me there, you know.
So it went from worrying aboutthe fact that we had delivered
this baby to I'm trying not tobleed to death because I had two
at home, you know.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Now, how long did that go on?
Like you said, it was anemergency, so we were there.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I can remember, we probably got to the hospital I
don't know, maybe.
I feel like it was probablyclose to 11 pm and I remember
leaving at about 4 am Like theydid let us go home, oh gosh.
So, which was a huge mistakebecause I ended up having to go
back, but it was yeah, yeah, so,yeah and again.
(11:09):
So so we have the ridiculous.
I mean now the story is justmind blowing, but at the time we
were just in shock, you knowyeah, you were taking it as you
could.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Yeah, just like anything.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
I mean, yeah, it was a lot.
So we.
So then I, I can remember Iremember being in the hospital,
I remember saying um to thenurse.
I said she said is thereanything I can do for you?
And I said, can you tell me ifthe baby is a boy or a girl, you
know?
And she said, oh, sweetie, it'sa little boy.
And I was like, okay, you know,and that's kind of where I was
(11:44):
just kind of like, am I likecause I'm just sitting there,
you know, waiting to go to get aDNC and?
And so they did the DNC and weleft and um and uh, we drove
home and you know, and and hadthis, these two other babies.
I was still nursing Presley atthe time.
(12:05):
She was only 10 months old.
So my, my milk dried upimmediately after the DNC.
So then it became an issue offeeding this little person
that's used to nursing all thetime and it was a really rough
first few days, you know I feltterrible.
You can imagine how bad I felt.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Oh, my heaven days.
You know, I felt terrible, youcan imagine how bad I felt.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Oh, my heavens, you probably didn't have any energy.
No, you didn't have any.
Get up and go.
Oh yeah, I was just exhausted,yes, so how do you I mean
thinking back on those days.
What were those first thoughts?
Were you just focused onPresley and Kat?
Were you just focused onPresley and Kat?
Were you like in more like didyou?
Did it take a while to startmourning Bennett?
(12:50):
Like, how did that?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Yeah, I think that the first the well.
For a couple of days I wasreally just kind of on another
planet.
They'd given me like a lure tabat the hospital, which I've now
we know I'm allergic to, and Ijust could barely walk and I was
kind of out.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
You know, I wasn't really you weren't there, no,
and my mom was there and my mom,my sweet mom, went and like
cleaned all the blood out of thecar and she did all the things
that mom would, because youcan't take a car in with blood
in, they will not clean it.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
If it's more than a quarter worth of blood you have
to have a police report.
So no one would help me cleanmy car.
Oh my God.
It was horrible it was justlike a nightmare.
So um, so yeah so I think Ithink the real.
The first moment that Irealized that oh man, that
really happened was my um sistercalled, and I was so
(13:42):
disappointed.
So Bennett is my umgrandmother's maiden name and my
dad's middle name.
So Bennett had always been my,your boy name.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
My boy name.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
And so I remember calling my sister and saying, um
, well, this is my boy, right,so do I.
And then I said to her do Ihave to use that name?
Like I was so just torn betweendo I use it or do I not use it,
because this is we were called.
If it was a boy, that's who itwas going to be.
(14:11):
And he was William Bennett,william is Brett's, or William
is Sean's brother, brett this ishis first name, so it was after
Sean's brother, and William isSean's brother, brett it's his
first name, so it was afterSean's brother.
And then in my family and mygrandmother, and oh, I just
remember my sister saying, well,that's your boy, oh, that's
what you were going to.
And I just remember being somad about it, just like oh, but
(14:31):
she was right, but I was justlike oh, no.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Yeah, how are we at this stage?
Yes, do I?
Speaker 3 (14:37):
really have to bury my Bennett.
You know, yes, you know, oh, mygosh.
Yeah, I knew he needed a name.
Yeah, and I was just like thenI'm trying to think of like
another name.
I mean it was brutal and then Ifelt so guilty.
I was just so bad.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
The whole thing was just yeah, all the emotions just
flying around, yes, just so bad.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
So I went through about a month, I think, where we
really just were on anotherplanet, like it was my poor.
I can just remember Sean justgoing to work and just it was
terrible, just kind of pushingthrough each day we had.
Our babies were so little, Imean, presley was 10 months old
and Kat was, you know two and itwas just like you know, it was
(15:23):
a lot.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Yeah, you can't just stay in bed, not even for you
know an hour.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
They need you.
You can't.
No, you got to get up and yougot to feed them and I realized
real quick you know, my mom evensaid it to me I realized real
quick and I think I said this toAmy when she asked me to do the
podcast that there's just not alot of.
There's a lot of talk, I feellike, about people like early
miscarriages, people havingtrouble getting pregnant and
people miscarrying babies.
(15:48):
Yes, but man, when you lose ababy, like a baby that was
moving, when you get far enoughalong that you birth a baby that
has died just not a lot.
You don't know a lot of peoplethat did that.
You know, you don't.
There's not a lot of communityfor that.
And I realized real quick.
I was like how come nobody likeit was like I felt like no one
(16:12):
understood, like no one got it.
You know and and and, for me,even Sean, who's a fantastic dad
, but even Sean was like he hadnever even seen Bennett alive,
so I was the only one who everknew him alive.
And it was so lonely, it wasjust the most lonely feeling
(16:32):
when you carry something in youlike that.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
There is a connection that a father will never have.
And it's not against them,right, it's just there, is like
you said, he can't get it.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Right, yeah, there's just no way to explain it.
And so Sean had, we had acouple of.
I had no community here, really, we had not lived here long
enough, and my sister didn'tcome because she had a baby.
So then my sister, my cousin,samantha, had just delivered
February 17th, so Bennett wasborn on March 4th.
(17:06):
So on February 17th Samanthahad delivered a little girl.
And then my sister delivered alittle girl on April 26th.
She was too far along, she wastoo far along and on bed rest.
And then my best frienddelivered a little boy on
Bennett's due date.
So then we just go through allthese babies and all of this.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
What should have been .
You know all those feelingsyeah.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
And then they all feel bad, right.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
They don't want to celebrate.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
They don't want to talk about it.
They're not telling me howthey're feeling.
Everybody feels.
Anybody that gets pregnantaround me doesn't want to tell
you they're pregnant.
And then you feel like a realjerk because yeah, we want to
celebrate these milestones withyou.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
However, you know there's a real sadness to it.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
There is yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
But you still want to be a part of it because you
love it.
Then you feel left out.
Right, you feel left out.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
Yeah, right, exactly, exactly.
So it was a hard.
It was just a hard time and Iand I.
So I started a blog.
I like to write, and I'd neverwritten.
And my husband just said youknow, maybe you should write
stuff down.
So in May we lost Bennett.
In March, and in May I startedwriting and and I'm just going
(18:25):
to read you this little piece ofit, cause this kind of like
sums up you know, so, um, itsays uh, I live in a city where
we know no one, 250 miles frommy family and friends, oh, sorry
, um, from from my sister and mymom.
From my sister and my mom.
It says I want my baby boy, Iwant to be pregnant, I want to
(18:46):
have three seats in my car, Iwant to go and get him from
where we buried him, bring himhome, nurse him, snuggle him,
love him.
And I know that none of that'sgoing to happen.
And it makes me want to screamand cry and break things, and
instead I've decided to write.
Am I going crazy?
Maybe Do I care?
Nope, when you lose a child,you lose your mind, and when you
(19:11):
have others to raise you bettergo and find it.
So you know that kind of sumsup where I was mentally.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Will you read those last two lines together, melanie
?
Those were so powerful.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
It says when you lose a child, you lose your mind,
and when you have others toraise, you better go and find it
.
And that that is there's, justlike.
No, I can't say anything moretrue than that.
You know like that's, and youladies understand that it's like
you better get it together.
You know you better get ittogether because these small
people are watching you.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Yeah, you've got to find a strength you did not know
was possible.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Yeah, yeah, and I think that it was exhausting.
You know you're trying to justlike get through the day and I
can remember like I mean I knowyou guys know it, but there's
like it feels like somebodysitting on your chest for years,
for years, it's like youcouldn't get a full breath.
Yeah, yeah, you feel like youhave to.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I always said I mean for a few years after Alec
passed, it was seriously.
People would say oh, how areyou?
I'm like I exist, Like I'mexisting, my body is existing in
this world.
But I'm existing, my body isexisting in this world.
But, like I said, I was lookingfor my mind, like you just said
.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Yeah, Like you're trying to be the mom for these
other people, these other kidsand mine were so small and I'm
like I can't just stop here,Like I can't you know, they were
so small though.
They probably don't rememberany of that, do they't think
(20:43):
that there's no way presley does?
I will tell you that that catis the oldest, and and one she's
the oldest, so yes, she's verymuch that way, very intuitive.
And cat, um, for years afterthat, would be worried when she
was alone in the house and Ithink that some of that came
from she got.
She knew something bad washappening and then we would.
And then we then, when she wasalone in the house and I think
that some of that came from sheknew something bad was happening
and then when she got up thatnext day we were gone and so she
(21:07):
was trying.
I just think that she knew thatsomething had happened.
There's no way to not know.
And then when you're the oldestchild too, I just think that
the oldest children are tryingto look after mom and honestly,
sean says all the the oldestchildren are like they're trying
to look after mom and honestly,sean says all the time he's
like thank goodness for Kat,because I know I was probably
half the time bless her heart onanother planet and she's like
(21:28):
she's been Presley a lot.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
You and Presley all the time.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
She's like she hasn't eaten in a while, Just like, oh
God, I mean we all do that.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I mean I told it on when I talked about my podcast
my eight year old was making herown macaroni and cheese.
Um, you know, because Icouldn't get up to do it.
I mean it's, it's part of thosefirst.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
You know days, years, and it's so hard, it is, it's
exhausting and I think, like I,said I, it is so hard, it is,
it's exhausting and I think,like I said, I do think that I
had a lot of people.
I've had a lot of people overthe years reach out to me and
that had no people that havelost faith or that maybe are
like, hey, you know, my friend,they just found out the baby has
(22:14):
no heartbeat and she's going tohave to deliver this baby.
Would you be willing to talk toher on the phone now?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
the baby has no heartbeat and she's going to
have to deliver this baby.
Speaker 3 (22:20):
Would you be willing to talk to her on the phone?
And I have had, more than youwould believe, opportunities to
kind of stand in a gap for a momand say like, hey, here's what
I wish I would have done, here'show this is going to feel,
here's what they're going totell you this is going to be
like, but here's what it'sreally going to be like, and I
think that's huge.
I'm grateful for that.
(22:44):
I'm grateful for thatopportunity.
I'm grateful for what it did.
I think to my faith, where Irealized really quickly I'm a
very, very involved mom.
I homeschool the girls and I'mwith them all the time.
Very involved mom, uh,homeschool the girls and I'm I'm
with them all the time and Ithink it, you know, in a lot of
ways it was a great opportunityfor God to go.
(23:04):
You don't decide you know youdon't get to decide Like I, I
decide.
And and that really um came inhandy Um two years later when we
got pregnant with Josie,because, um, josie is my, is my
third, and Josie was a uh 24week, what they call a micro
(23:26):
preemie.
She she was a result of anotherabrupted placenta, so, which is
pretty common, I think um thatif you abrupt once, you often
can abrupt again, alsolife-threatening delivery, and
she was in the NICU for 106 daysand what you learned from
(23:46):
Bennett was where did you go andhave that baby?
We went to an emergency roomthat was like a maternal
emergency room, where theyalways have a NICU team and an
OBGYN team 24 hours a day onsite.
So when we started bleedingwith Josie, we went straight
there.
And so they were, they wereable to give her a chance.
(24:10):
She was 24 weeks.
They were like we can'tguarantee how she'll do, but we
can, you know, and so it was areally really touch and go hard,
hard, 106 days.
But I will tell you that that,uh, it was, um, we were prepared
for it.
I mean, ironically, we were,you know, we were, we were like,
(24:32):
okay, well, we've got thisother baby now we've got this
other baby and they've, they'vekept her alive.
She was was 24 weeks andBennett was 20.
So we were just four weeks past, which is a lot, and we were
like she was the youngestgestationally at Centennial.
That even went home when wewere there.
So she's an absolute miracle.
(24:52):
But I think, even more thanthat, just what Bennett had done
with our faith and our trustand what, where we were willing
to go with Josie in that andjust to kind of go.
You know, I remember the doctorsaying to Sean he was arguing
with him about something.
We argued with him the wholetime that we were there and he
was arguing with him aboutsomething and one of the doctors
(25:14):
said you know, these babiesonly have a 50,50 chance of even
being remotely normal.
He says to her oh, gosh and Seansaid we've already buried one
and we just want to take thisone home.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
So how about you just do your job yeah?
Speaker 3 (25:31):
Like we already didn't get to take one home
Right and we'll take her.
However, you can give her to us, that's right.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
We'll love her, no matter how she is.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Yeah, yeah, and you mentioned your family.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
What a reality check, you know, for that doctor too.
Yeah, didn't he?
Speaker 3 (25:46):
put his head in his sleeve.
Yeah, I mean, I just think itwas.
I just think that people, youknow, they don't realize, like
hey, look'd just like to takeher home at some point.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
There are so many people, though, that that that
don't have the I shouldn't saythe attitude, but the blessing
that y'all have to be able tosee her and hold her and love
her in those moments that yeah,we just want to take her.
We don't, you know, there'ssome parents that are what was
her size.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Like I know little teeny preemies are like bitty.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
So she was one pound four ounces and she, um, and she
was.
She didn't breathe on her ownfor eight weeks and she had to
have open heart surgery.
While we were there and she,they were like she's probably
going to be low tone deaf andshe's probably going to go home
(26:45):
on it.
I mean, all they take, theyprepare you because they just
don't honestly do very well.
Um, but they were wrong.
I mean, she did great, but um,so while Josie was in so I'm
going to read this to you guystoo, cause this was something
else I wrote while Joe was inthe hospital and I had went and
pulled this up for this podcastand um, it says, uh, there are
(27:07):
no.
So this is one night where theyhad called us.
So three times while Josie wasin the hospital, they called us
and told us that she wasprobably not going to make it
through.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
So three different times where they were like look,
this is, this is probably it.
And in this particular night,um, both the girls were really
sick, really sick at home, andso I sent Sean to the hospital
without me because I was like Imean, I can't, I can't they're
burning up with fever.
You know I can't leave them here, and and my brother-in-law,
(27:42):
when Josie was in the hospital,had come to stay with us and
help us with the girls, whichwas a huge blessing.
But I'm their mom and so Iwrote this the night that I sent
Sean, and it says so tonight asmy husband left.
He prayed for our sweet girland headed to see her and I
checked on the two runningfevers asleep in their room, and
(28:03):
then I hit my knees.
I was all tapped out.
There was nothing to saybecause he already knows what I
want and what I need, so insteadI just cried with my head on
the carpet until I felt enoughrelief in the pit of my stomach
to get up again.
There are no words for what ishappening in my home.
There are no words for the lossof our sweet boy.
There are no words for parentswho bury children.
There is only Jesus.
(28:25):
The only hope that any of ushave, who are fighting or who
have lost their fight is in him,a beautiful, matchless Savior
who lives in a kingdom wherethere is no death or pain or
fear or sickness, a kingdom thatis filled with the children
that we miss, a kingdom that Iwill one day call my home and I
will hold my precious little boywho, I am certain, has his
daddy's dimples.
(28:46):
So tonight, as I sit and writeand wait for the news about my
sweet, tiny, beautiful miracle,I will cry out to him and beg
him for peace in my heart andfor breath in her lungs.
And I know that without a doubthe hears me and he may not
answer just the way I would likehim to or as quickly as I would
like, but he is listeningbecause he loves me and he loves
her and he made Josie hope andhe and she is here, and only by
(29:08):
his hand, and for that I willpraise him.
And even though I'm a weak mess, I will find strength in him
when I know it, when I need it,knowing that I can do all things
through him who give mestrength.
So, oh, my oh.
So you know it was uh and andyou know we got to keep josie
josie's 12 and she's incredible.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
She's 12 right now.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
Yeah, and she's a walking spitfire of a miracle.
She is unbelievable.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
And everything they said about her, and not one
issue that the doctors had said.
Speaker 3 (29:40):
They were completely wrong about all of it, you know.
But I just remember I canremember that night so vividly
and I just like got on the floorand I was like I said I've told
my people this so many timesI'm like I really believe in my
heart that I laid on that floorand I said you can have her if
you want her, you know Okay.
(30:03):
I was like okay, you know what,I'm still gonna.
I'm still gonna bring the othertwo up to trust you and to love
you and to all the things thatyou're counting on me to do.
And if you have to take her too, then just have her.
And I promise you there's likea piece of me that's just like
just me being willing to saythat.
(30:23):
It's almost like Jesus was likeall right, keep her.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
You know, just like.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Yeah, you understand who's in control.
Yeah, yeah yeah, okay, you knowwhat?
I think I'm just going to letyou have her.
You know so, and he did and wedo, and so we have these three
beautiful, talented girls andthey're Amy knows they're a very
successful country music bandand the name of their band is
(30:53):
the Bennett Hall Band.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
They named it after their brother and everything you
told me that, amy, I forgot.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Yes, so we have, we have.
I'm not kidding you.
Bennett's name is all overeverything in our house.
It's on posters and flyers andt-shirts and, and you know,
stickers and hats, and I meanthe boy's name is on everything
Like everybody.
He's with y'all always Everyevery interview the girls do,
(31:24):
every, you know, he's brought up.
Every every gig that we play,there's a giant banner with his
name on it.
And I just think back to when Icalled my sister and I was like
, do I have to name him Bennett,you know?
And she was like.
She was like, yes, I think youhave to name him, that you know.
And now I'm like, well, ofcourse I did.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Of course I had to name him, that you know.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
I know it's just really amazing what God did with
that.
Obviously would I have ratherjust had been here, of course.
Of course we all would have.
I think that part of it beingthe only boy was just
heartbreaking for me, just forSean, and not that Sean's a
great girl, dad, but there's apiece of you that just sucked.
But all the time, all the timewe're talking, we're saying his
name, all the time, and I'm likewhat a better way to honor him
and to let him have a legacy.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
And to carry him into your future all of your futures
.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
Yes, yes I mean, even this Christmas, presley was
like Mom, can I get a name?
Can I get one of those namenecklaces with Bennett's name on
it?
And you know she's 15 and ahalf and she walks around with
her brother's name on hernecklace.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
You know she never even met.
Yeah, oh, I love it.
Where can we listen to thegirls'?
Speaker 3 (32:47):
music.
You can listen to it on allplaces Spotify and Apple Music
and YouTube and it's the BennettHall Band.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
We'll link that They've been on since they were
knee-high, to a grasshopper.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Oh yeah, They've always been saying it.
It's really fun.
We're having a big adventurewith it.
It's been great.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
But I just think that's the cool.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
To me, that's just the coolest thing, the way that
that turned out.
And I, you know, like I said,I've been able to, you know,
just talk to a lot of youngergirls that have kind of been.
I had somebody reach out to methat just happened to read the
blog and then they, somebody hadturned them on to it and she
just reached out, just I mean,in the last six months, and she
was like I was just wonderinghow do you, how, how were you
(33:33):
pregnant again and how did you,how'd you handle your guilt
about being excited about yournext baby, basically?
And I was able to help talk toher about it, you know, and what
was your advice?
Speaker 1 (33:44):
That's what I was going to ask you.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
Well, I just I told her, you know, I was like I just
think that God you just have totrust that God gives us the
ones that he wants us to keephere on earth and and he,
there's joy in birth.
You know, there's joy in childraising and it's hard and messy,
but there's so many greatthings about it and I don't
(34:06):
think that God gifts you with ababy.
There's so many moms that neverget one.
So it's like I think you justhave to really be grateful for
the ones you have and then, atthe same time, I think you're
honoring the ones you lost bybeing more grateful for the ones
you've got to keep.
(34:28):
And I've tried to do that withmy girls, you know I've tried to
, and Sean has too.
We try, have tried to really,um, it changed us as parents.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
It changed who we were and you guys get that.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
It changes you.
You're like the things that youeven that you hear other
parents that just don't reallyunderstand, or women that are
pregnant, or women that have anewborn or whatever, and you're
just thinking, oh please don'tcomplain about that.
You have no idea how muchthere's some moms that would
really like to have a 15 yearold.
(34:59):
That's driving them crazy.
Or a 23 year old that you'rewondering if it's getting home.
You know like there's so manyof us that would like to be
complaining about that thatdon't get to, for whatever
reason.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
You know, yes, absolutely.
Oh, my gosh.
And thinking back just that, Iwant to like capture this advice
piece.
So there's one side of it.
But in those, you know, yousaid you were so angry and you,
you know, you move in and you'reyou, you're pregnant with,
pregnant with Josie.
Like where do you?
(35:30):
I guess what I'm trying to sayis, like what did you do to sort
of process that grief and angerWriting obviously?
Speaker 3 (35:40):
Yeah, I did that and then I just I think that I
didn't sleep well for years.
I mean, I felt like I never, Imean for the whole, until I was
pregnant with Josie again.
Honestly, it was like it wasjust so hard for me to relax.
You know, I had a hard time andI think I just did a lot of
talking to God, you know, justlike a lot of doing that, and
(36:02):
then I was super.
I tried to be really activewith my other two and stay busy
and and be outside a lot, youknow, stuck inside and um, and
just to do some things that weregood for my mental health.
So I wasn't so discouragedbecause I think there um well, I
(36:23):
know it's discouraging there's,there's a piece of you and, um,
whether you deliver a babythat's died or whether you have
a child that that you knowthat's already been here and
dies, that you feel like youfailed.
You know you kind of feel likeI blew it.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Yeah, what did it?
Where along my life did I messup somewhere?
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think there's a lot of guilt
that comes with that and I thinkthat and then maybe, maybe,
maybe we did, you know, maybe insome way we did fail.
But you know what we're not, wehave, we're not meant to be
perfect, you know, and I don't,I don't know one mom you know
that, I know that's that's nottrying her best.
(37:04):
You know, I feel like we're alltrying our best with what we
have to work with and we're all,and it is not easy for any of
us, and I tell moms that all thetime I'm like look, this is not
easy like this.
You just have to do the verybest that you can, and and trust
that God gave you you that baby.
Like gave Amy Alec for a reason, right, like for, and gave me
Bennett for a reason, and thatloss was also for a reason, you
(37:27):
know, and and and and how didyou and your husband deal with
the different grief?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
you know like just carrying your own grief, and
then you have these babies andthen this new very stressful,
you know, baby and delivery withJosie.
I mean, how'd you work through?
Speaker 3 (37:45):
that it was so hard.
I will say we laugh about it.
I can remember one night withJoseph in the hospital and oh
gosh, sean has his own practice,so he's very busy chiropractor
and it was so incrediblystressful and if you don't, it
didn't work.
We didn't make money he had.
I cannot imagine the pressurehe had on him.
Plus, he goes to work every dayand people know, so they're
(38:07):
asking them questions all thetime, you know, so we were not a
whole lot of fun to be aroundif I'm being honest.
And so I can remember when welaugh about it.
I can remember when I yeah, Ican remember saying to him one
night I do not like you verymuch, and he was like that's all
right, cause I don't like youeither.
You know, like we were justlike, oh, I'm just so, but you
(38:29):
know what he, sean has.
He was very supportive in.
However, I decided I was goingto feel that day and I really
appreciated that because I thinkthat, just as a person and as a
mom, I think a lot of timesmoms are just supposed to suck
(38:49):
it up and keep moving forward,and there's like an expectation
of that, and though I did dothat, he but like if he came
home and I just started to cry,he's like oh, a bad day, huh,
you know, like he just wassupportive of and he always has
been, and it'll still get to me,like I'll still every now and
then I and he's like, oh, areyou thinking about our boy?
(39:10):
And I'm like I am, I'm just soyou know, I'm just yes, yeah, it
is, it's sad and it's.
The girls get older and they'reso fun and I'm just thinking,
oh my gosh, can you imagine ifwe had a 15 year old boy in this
mix of crazy?
And you know I kind of feel likeyou know, but again, I just
think that we got the ones thatwe were meant to have and,
honestly, if we had not, if wehad had Bennett, I'm not sure we
(39:34):
would have tried to haveanother baby and I cannot
imagine my life without Josie.
I cannot imagine I just cannot.
She is unbelievable.
She is one of the coolestpeople in the whole world and
what she did to our faith andwhat she did to when she was in
(39:54):
the hospital we had thousands.
We had letters from all overthe world come in for Jo.
We had started this Facebookpage and the people testimony
people would send us about whatshe did for their faith and how
she you know it just changed her.
Her surviving and doing wellchanged so many people's lives.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
And I just can't.
I can't imagine it.
Melanie's hashtag for her is doyou believe in miracles?
She is a living, walking, oh myGod, and so I just can't.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Do you all still have like?
Do you have your blog and yourFacebook page?
Speaker 3 (40:30):
We do.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
You do.
Oh wow, we'll get all of thatfor the listeners.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
We have her Facebook page and then I have my blog
still and I send people.
As a matter of fact, I just didthis to another mom, but I send
people.
I have a mom that I'm friendswith.
She's fantastic and she justcan't get pregnant.
She just cannot.
She just keeps trying, keepstrying, keeps trying.
And I sent her to my blog and Iwas just like you should just
(40:55):
go.
Sometimes it's just good toread that somebody else had
something that sucked you know,even if it's not the same.
You know, Like somebody else, itwas hard for somebody else,
Because I think, honestly, theculture really, really
(41:17):
glamorizes childbearing andnursing and childbirth and makes
it act like it's just so prettyand so easy and so you should
just be able to pop these babiesout and you know, and get the
monogram little thing on, yeahright, and they just they latch
right on and you nurse themwherever you want to, and I'm
like that is.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
With a bow in their head Exactly.
Speaker 3 (41:31):
And I think that it's so misleading for, and then
then these young you know, thisnext younger generation, younger
than me, anyway they getpregnant and and then they, and
then they feel like they're notdoing good.
They're not good at it, Ithought I was going to be good
at it.
They'll say to me and I'm like,oh honey, like we all thought
we were going to be good, alltheir Facebook friends, all
their Insta friends.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
they're all it looks like they're good at it.
They are, and that split second.
They're doing a good job, andthat's what's so hard, though,
and I know that having.
Like you said, though, there'sa whole group of people out
there that do have these babiesthat never breathe outside of
the womb, but nobody talks aboutit.
Speaker 3 (42:14):
Yeah, my mom said she cried.
She said I don't know how tohelp you.
She's like this is somethingshe had lost, she'd had
miscarriages and whatever shegoes.
I just I don't know.
I have no idea how to relate toyou.
I don't know how to help you.
And we had a friend her namewas Marsha Leach that came along
(42:36):
.
Sean had met her and herhusband.
They're great people and andand they had.
She had lost twins about thesame, about the same
gestationally as I had lostBennett, and she brought me a
book and she would bring me foodand and and she would.
It was just like, oh, there'ssomebody else that understands
how bad this really sucks.
You know, I was just sograteful for it.
It was just one person, but Iwas so grateful for it.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
I think that's why we all find the connection, though
, is that you latch on to peoplethat have that connection,
because there's nobody out thereand you're, like, so grateful
for.
It's kind of like when you'rein the desert and you find water
, you know, I would just soak itup as much as I can, because
Yep, I just don't think it's acommunity, it's just not a.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
My mom said that when her mom had lost a baby I think
she may be twins, actually latelike that and she said they
just didn't talk, Nobody talkedabout it.
He just kind of moved on to thenext pregnancy kind of thing.
And so she's like I just don'tknow how to, how to help you.
And then my sister and Samantha, and then Meg, you know, and I
(43:42):
can't imagine how bad they felt.
You know they love me so much.
And then, and then they're likeoh, you know here's my new baby,
and it's just like it wascrappy.
I felt almost as bad for themas I did, because I would have
felt bad too it was just brutal.
Speaker 1 (43:59):
You do all of it and nobody can fix it.
One of the last questions justwhat advice?
What did your mom and yoursisters and these good people in
your life like?
What did they do that reallydid help?
Speaker 3 (44:16):
I think that what I tell people all the time and I
don't know that anyone maybe mymom probably did best at this,
that did as good at this as Iwould have liked but I tell
people we can't pretend likethese babies were not born.
Yes, you have to stop actinglike it didn't happen.
(44:36):
Yeah, you know, you got to goback and say, hey, uh, I know
it's been his birthday or, likeyou know, you had to especially
early.
Like these moms I'm like, payattention.
So I have these different momswhere I know the anniversary
when their baby was born thatI've talked to and I reach out
to them on the anniversary.
And I'm thinking of Charlietoday.
I just wanted you to know.
Or I'm thinking of Sully today.
(44:56):
I just wanted you to know, youknow, because it's like we can't
.
I think that the best thing youcan do as a friend is to not not
say or not go well, just begrateful for the babies you
already have.
Yeah, oh, like, who came upwith that?
You know, it's just like.
Or you know, or, hey, at leastyou got to have a couple of
babies.
I mean, some people can't haveany.
(45:17):
It's like, no, no, no, this wasa person.
You know, this was a person, andso I think that that would
probably be my best advice forsomebody who's you know, for
somebody who's you know, comeback and try and remember it.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:32):
What's that, amy?
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Sorry For one of our moms.
I said one of the favoritecomebacks for one of our moms.
She's like they're like, oh, atleast you have other children.
Speaker 3 (45:41):
They're like, oh, really Well which one would you
like to get rid of?
Speaker 1 (45:51):
You know like can y'all not hear me at all.
Right, I can hear you.
Yes, you were freezing just fora minute there.
That's why we're catching up,but we got you Okay, oh my gosh.
Well, thank you so much,melanie.
We appreciate, and well, I wantto link all of your blog and
(46:13):
Facebook page.
Yes, and the kids the name ofthe band, so that you know
listeners can find all of thatamazing things.
I'm just, I'm still so struckby that line about you know,
losing your mind and you justhave to go find it and there
just is so much intention inwhat you wrote there and, um, oh
(46:38):
, it just like cuts me so deeplybecause I know how hard that
was for you not only to type itbut to just really live that and
I just thank you for sharingyour journey and your faith and
um, it's just, it's beautifuland sad and um, I'll remember
Bennett's story for sure.
Speaker 3 (46:58):
Well, thank you for having me.
I really appreciate both of youhaving me in and let me be part
of this um awesome podcast.
That, I think, is a greatsupport system for moms that
need it.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
The world needs to know Bennett, and it is truly
one of great grace, thank you,thanks, libby.
Speaker 3 (47:23):
I will send you the links of those things.
Great, we appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (47:27):
Well, it was so nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (47:29):
Thanks, Nice to meet you too.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
I can't wait to listen to the Bennett.
Speaker 3 (47:31):
Band.
Thank you so much.
Y'all have a great night.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
All right, bye.
Speaker 2 (47:35):
All right, bye people , bye.
Talk to y'all next time.
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
I am Michelle.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
And I'm Amy and we're so glad y'all are here.
I believe this is our firstkickoff for the new year.
Yes, we're dragging our feetthis year, but we're back at it
and I'm excited because this formultiple reasons, because we're
doing something completelydifferent this time with this
podcast.
(00:26):
This is someone that is notlocal to Atlanta, that is not in
our group or that we know allabout.
I do know Melanie from gosh.
We decided that we've knowneach other longer than we
haven't known each other, whichmakes me feel young and hurt.
(00:46):
Old, yeah, very old, but yes, itis somebody I've known for a
very long time and have followedher story time and time again.
We're also talking about aninfant.
This is the first infant thatwe've spoken of, so I know that
that's just a whole nother levelof grief and loss that we
(01:06):
personally haven't experienced,or anyone in our grief has.
So I'm looking really forwardto it.
So this is Melanie Hall and sheis going to talk to us about
her sweet baby boy, bennett.
So, Melanie, tell us a littlebit about yourself and all the
fun things.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Well, I live right outside of Nashville, tennessee,
and I have three children.
There are girls, one that's 17,one that's 15, and one that's
12.
And we live here and we movedhere, I guess, about 16 years
ago.
My husband's a localchiropractor in the area and, um
(01:44):
, we moved here knowing nobodyand we and left all of my
friends and family in Georgia,which is really hard.
That's where everybody I have31 first cousins and they're
almost all still there except me.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
So yeah, that is a big move.
It was, but now you're settled.
So how long have you been inNashville?
Speaker 3 (02:09):
We've been here about 15 years, almost 16.
I guess almost 16.
So I've been here a long time.
We moved here.
My second born was eight weeksold when we moved here, so I
moved here with two babies.
I was 17 months old and eightweeks old Wow.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
You depended on each other.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Yes, yes, we started a business, so it was quite a
move.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Oh my heavens Wow.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
The Lord is the only thing that kept me going.
Oh, it was brutal, it was sobrutal and then after so y'all
moved there and Kat and Presleywere little, and then you had a
third child.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
Yeah, so Kat and Presley are 15 months apart, and
so we moved here.
In.
Presley was eight weeks.
We moved here in July of 2009.
Um, Presley was eight weeks.
We moved here in July of 2009.
And, and we were here about um,I guess three or four months and
(03:13):
we were pregnant again and umyeah, yeah and um, you know when
we when I think back on it, Ijust think I can remember how
overwhelmed we were that we werepregnant again, um, and so a
little bit about how we do.
My husband is a chiropractorand so Kat and Presley were born
at home, so we're very naturalminded.
We had home births.
We, we use, uh, midwives, so we, our midwives, obviously, that
(03:37):
we'd used in the past, were inAtlanta, um, so we had to do
some research and some findingof help for this baby that we,
this next baby that we weregoing to have at home, we hoped,
and that was going to be 14months younger than Presley, so
then we would have had them like15 months apart and then 14
months apart.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Yes, yes, goodness sakes.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Yes, yes, so, yeah.
So we were pregnant in the fall, and then Bennett was due.
August of 2010 was his actualdue date.
I always say kind of my, youknow, jesus gives everybody
(04:24):
their own cross to bear and minehas always been.
In child birth and also in justcarrying babies, I struggled
with all of mine, they all had Ieither bled or was on bed rest,
or Kat was a 36 week baby.
I mean, we just it was alwayshard, it was never easy.
Then it was no different.
We were.
I was sick.
(04:45):
The whole pregnancy, you know,never felt good and my kids were
very small.
So, and my husband at the timewas working on starting a
practice, and then also at nighthe parked cars, he valet parked
cars to make money.
So we were kind of here byourselves, living in this rental
(05:06):
house that was out on 15 acresit was all very new, you know,
and um and so yeah.
So we had a tough pregnancy, um, but I was pregnant, um with
alongside my cousin Samantha.
She was pregnant with me, mysister was pregnant with me and
my very best girlfriend, um, wholives in Western Canada,
(05:30):
actually was also pregnant withme, as she and I were due a day
apart, oh my gosh.
So, as hard as it seemed, itwas kind of fun.
We were all pregnant together,you know, talking about all the
things and yeah, yeah, um.
So I had um.
When we got to just about, Iguess, 20 weeks, I had had a
(05:54):
couple of midwife visits wherethey had come and like found
well, I bled early in thepregnancy, which I do all my
pregnancies and then so they'dcome at about 13 weeks and found
the heartbeat.
So we knew we were stillpregnant and then I was already
feeling, then it moved and youknow, so I knew that we had had
a healthy pregnancy going andthen, at about 20 weeks, I
(06:18):
started to bleed and so it was,you know, looking back now, I
think we're, I think lookingback now when you hear the end
of the story you'll understandwhy.
But I think what we should havedone was probably just go on
into the hospital.
But at the time we I had bledwith all my pregnancies and both
(06:39):
Kat and Presley and we had hadyou know, we've carried them
both to term and had thesehealthy babies.
And so instead we um had themidwife come and she could not
find a heartbeat.
So she was like there's noheartbeat, and so I just think
that, um, you're gonna, you justare going to basically just
(07:02):
miscarry, and I'm not sure thatthe that that there would have
been like a, how she describedit was, she thinks that we lost
Bennett much earlier and then Iwas just going to, like, deliver
just tissue, basically you knowthat, what my body had not
absorbed.
And so she kind of stuck aroundwith us and we were like, okay,
(07:23):
well, and I'm very mentallytough.
I mean, I had child, you know,birth my own kids at home, so
I'm not you know, I kind of soI'm just like, okay, well, this
really just sucks, but we'regonna just, you know, we're
gonna, we're gonna do it.
And I had two babies and wecalled my mom.
My mom came in town and and, uh, because we knew I was going to
(07:43):
have to miscarry like throughthe night.
And so she came in town and, um, and I was kind of mentally
prepared to just, you know, okay, we'll just move on.
And so I went into labor and,uh, and it lasted much longer
than we thought, and when Irealized I was going to have to
push, I knew we were in bigtrouble, Like I, all of a sudden
(08:05):
I was like, ah, I said I canremember saying to Sean um, I
think, I think this is a baby,Like I'm having to like push,
you know, and and yeah, and so,um, sure enough, he came feet
first and I said to Sean there'sfeet.
And when I realized there therewere feet, I was like on
(08:26):
there's feet.
And when I realized there werefeet, I was like, oh, my
goodness, like this is not whatI thought we were about to do
you know, and so, um, she, hewas on the phone with our
midwife in Atlanta and she, um,she was talking through it with
him and she's like you're goingto have to be super careful,
make sure she doesn't hemorrhage, you know, because now we
realize we're by ourselves andwe realize we're not just
miscarrying.
You know, this baby that'sbasically been absorbed, we're
(08:50):
delivering a child.
So, anyway, we delivered, Idelivered him, I had to, I
delivered him and when Idelivered him, my placenta tore
away.
So it went from oh, this issuper traumatic.
We just delivered this baby inthis house to.
I was hemorrhaging everywhere,so it went from one emergency to
(09:11):
the next emergency it wasterrifying.
We just weren't prepared.
We had been, we weren't.
The midwife had just missed.
It wasn't her fault, but shejust was misinformed and it was.
It was very dangerous, honestly.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Oh yeah, Because your heart rate drops and oxygen and
all of those things.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Yeah, you're not having girls separate away.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Still there, okay, the girls Right, yeah, so the
girls are like in the front roomwith my mom, and so then I say
to Sean, you're going to have togo, wait, mom, tell her we have
to go to the hospital,obviously.
And he drives me to thehospital and and I say to him, I
say where's the baby, you know,and he's like I have him, I
have it in a towel.
And he had just wrapped thebaby, you know, and he's like I
(10:05):
have him, I have it in a towel,and he just wrapped the baby up
and and taken the baby with usto the hospital.
And so the hospital was verylike emergent whistles and you
know doctors and a dnc and itwas.
It was complete and utter chaosit was so much it.
Just I cannot.
We were.
(10:26):
I was in such bad shape by thetime he got me there, you know.
So it went from worrying aboutthe fact that we had delivered
this baby to I'm trying not tobleed to death because I had two
at home, you know.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Now, how long did that go on?
Like you said, it was anemergency, so we were there.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I can remember, we probably got to the hospital I
don't know, maybe.
I feel like it was probablyclose to 11 pm and I remember
leaving at about 4 am Like theydid let us go home, oh gosh.
So, which was a huge mistakebecause I ended up having to go
back, but it was yeah, yeah, so,yeah and again.
(11:09):
So so we have the ridiculous.
I mean now the story is justmind blowing, but at the time we
were just in shock, you knowyeah, you were taking it as you
could.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Yeah, just like anything.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
I mean, yeah, it was a lot.
So we.
So then I, I can remember Iremember being in the hospital,
I remember saying um to thenurse.
I said she said is thereanything I can do for you?
And I said, can you tell me ifthe baby is a boy or a girl, you
know?
And she said, oh, sweetie, it'sa little boy.
And I was like, okay, you know,and that's kind of where I was
(11:44):
just kind of like, am I likecause I'm just sitting there,
you know, waiting to go to get aDNC and?
And so they did the DNC and weleft and um and uh, we drove
home and you know, and and hadthis, these two other babies.
I was still nursing Presley atthe time.
(12:05):
She was only 10 months old.
So my, my milk dried upimmediately after the DNC.
So then it became an issue offeeding this little person
that's used to nursing all thetime and it was a really rough
first few days, you know I feltterrible.
You can imagine how bad I felt.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Oh, my heaven days.
You know, I felt terrible, youcan imagine how bad I felt.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Oh, my heavens, you probably didn't have any energy.
No, you didn't have any.
Get up and go.
Oh yeah, I was just exhausted,yes, so how do you I mean
thinking back on those days.
What were those first thoughts?
Were you just focused onPresley and Kat?
Were you just focused onPresley and Kat?
Were you like in more like didyou?
Did it take a while to startmourning Bennett?
(12:50):
Like, how did that?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
Yeah, I think that the first the well.
For a couple of days I wasreally just kind of on another
planet.
They'd given me like a lure tabat the hospital, which I've now
we know I'm allergic to, and Ijust could barely walk and I was
kind of out.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
You know, I wasn't really you weren't there, no,
and my mom was there and my mom,my sweet mom, went and like
cleaned all the blood out of thecar and she did all the things
that mom would, because youcan't take a car in with blood
in, they will not clean it.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
If it's more than a quarter worth of blood you have
to have a police report.
So no one would help me cleanmy car.
Oh my God.
It was horrible it was justlike a nightmare.
So um, so yeah so I think Ithink the real.
The first moment that Irealized that oh man, that
really happened was my um sistercalled, and I was so
(13:42):
disappointed.
So Bennett is my umgrandmother's maiden name and my
dad's middle name.
So Bennett had always been my,your boy name.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
My boy name.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
And so I remember calling my sister and saying, um
, well, this is my boy, right,so do I.
And then I said to her do Ihave to use that name?
Like I was so just torn betweendo I use it or do I not use it,
because this is we were called.
If it was a boy, that's who itwas going to be.
(14:11):
And he was William Bennett,william is Brett's, or William
is Sean's brother, brett this ishis first name, so it was after
Sean's brother, and William isSean's brother, brett it's his
first name, so it was afterSean's brother.
And then in my family and mygrandmother, and oh, I just
remember my sister saying, well,that's your boy, oh, that's
what you were going to.
And I just remember being somad about it, just like oh, but
(14:31):
she was right, but I was justlike oh, no.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Yeah, how are we at this stage?
Yes, do I?
Speaker 3 (14:37):
really have to bury my Bennett.
You know, yes, you know, oh, mygosh.
Yeah, I knew he needed a name.
Yeah, and I was just like thenI'm trying to think of like
another name.
I mean it was brutal and then Ifelt so guilty.
I was just so bad.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
The whole thing was just yeah, all the emotions just
flying around, yes, just so bad.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
So I went through about a month, I think, where we
really just were on anotherplanet, like it was my poor.
I can just remember Sean justgoing to work and just it was
terrible, just kind of pushingthrough each day we had.
Our babies were so little, Imean, presley was 10 months old
and Kat was, you know two and itwas just like you know, it was
(15:23):
a lot.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Yeah, you can't just stay in bed, not even for you
know an hour.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
They need you.
You can't.
No, you got to get up and yougot to feed them and I realized
real quick you know, my mom evensaid it to me I realized real
quick and I think I said this toAmy when she asked me to do the
podcast that there's just not alot of.
There's a lot of talk, I feellike, about people like early
miscarriages, people havingtrouble getting pregnant and
people miscarrying babies.
(15:48):
Yes, but man, when you lose ababy, like a baby that was
moving, when you get far enoughalong that you birth a baby that
has died just not a lot.
You don't know a lot of peoplethat did that.
You know, you don't.
There's not a lot of communityfor that.
And I realized real quick.
I was like how come nobody likeit was like I felt like no one
(16:12):
understood, like no one got it.
You know and and and, for me,even Sean, who's a fantastic dad
, but even Sean was like he hadnever even seen Bennett alive,
so I was the only one who everknew him alive.
And it was so lonely, it wasjust the most lonely feeling
(16:32):
when you carry something in youlike that.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
There is a connection that a father will never have.
And it's not against them,right, it's just there, is like
you said, he can't get it.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Right, yeah, there's just no way to explain it.
And so Sean had, we had acouple of.
I had no community here, really, we had not lived here long
enough, and my sister didn'tcome because she had a baby.
So then my sister, my cousin,samantha, had just delivered
February 17th, so Bennett wasborn on March 4th.
(17:06):
So on February 17th Samanthahad delivered a little girl.
And then my sister delivered alittle girl on April 26th.
She was too far along, she wastoo far along and on bed rest.
And then my best frienddelivered a little boy on
Bennett's due date.
So then we just go through allthese babies and all of this.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
What should have been .
You know all those feelingsyeah.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
And then they all feel bad, right.
Speaker 2 (17:32):
They don't want to celebrate.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
They don't want to talk about it.
They're not telling me howthey're feeling.
Everybody feels.
Anybody that gets pregnantaround me doesn't want to tell
you they're pregnant.
And then you feel like a realjerk because yeah, we want to
celebrate these milestones withyou.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
However, you know there's a real sadness to it.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
There is yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
But you still want to be a part of it because you
love it.
Then you feel left out.
Right, you feel left out.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
Yeah, right, exactly, exactly.
So it was a hard.
It was just a hard time and Iand I.
So I started a blog.
I like to write, and I'd neverwritten.
And my husband just said youknow, maybe you should write
stuff down.
So in May we lost Bennett.
In March, and in May I startedwriting and and I'm just going
(18:25):
to read you this little piece ofit, cause this kind of like
sums up you know, so, um, itsays uh, I live in a city where
we know no one, 250 miles frommy family and friends, oh, sorry
, um, from from my sister and mymom.
From my sister and my mom.
It says I want my baby boy, Iwant to be pregnant, I want to
(18:46):
have three seats in my car, Iwant to go and get him from
where we buried him, bring himhome, nurse him, snuggle him,
love him.
And I know that none of that'sgoing to happen.
And it makes me want to screamand cry and break things, and
instead I've decided to write.
Am I going crazy?
Maybe Do I care?
Nope, when you lose a child,you lose your mind, and when you
(19:11):
have others to raise you bettergo and find it.
So you know that kind of sumsup where I was mentally.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Will you read those last two lines together, melanie
?
Those were so powerful.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
It says when you lose a child, you lose your mind,
and when you have others toraise, you better go and find it
.
And that that is there's, justlike.
No, I can't say anything moretrue than that.
You know like that's, and youladies understand that it's like
you better get it together.
You know you better get ittogether because these small
people are watching you.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Yeah, you've got to find a strength you did not know
was possible.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Yeah, yeah, and I think that it was exhausting.
You know you're trying to justlike get through the day and I
can remember like I mean I knowyou guys know it, but there's
like it feels like somebodysitting on your chest for years,
for years, it's like youcouldn't get a full breath.
Yeah, yeah, you feel like youhave to.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I always said I mean for a few years after Alec
passed, it was seriously.
People would say oh, how areyou?
I'm like I exist, Like I'mexisting, my body is existing in
this world.
But I'm existing, my body isexisting in this world.
But, like I said, I was lookingfor my mind, like you just said
.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Yeah, Like you're trying to be the mom for these
other people, these other kidsand mine were so small and I'm
like I can't just stop here,Like I can't you know, they were
so small though.
They probably don't rememberany of that, do they't think
(20:43):
that there's no way presley does?
I will tell you that that catis the oldest, and and one she's
the oldest, so yes, she's verymuch that way, very intuitive.
And cat, um, for years afterthat, would be worried when she
was alone in the house and Ithink that some of that came
from she got.
She knew something bad washappening and then we would.
And then we then, when she wasalone in the house and I think
that some of that came from sheknew something bad was happening
and then when she got up thatnext day we were gone and so she
(21:07):
was trying.
I just think that she knew thatsomething had happened.
There's no way to not know.
And then when you're the oldestchild too, I just think that
the oldest children are tryingto look after mom and honestly,
sean says all the the oldestchildren are like they're trying
to look after mom and honestly,sean says all the time he's
like thank goodness for Kat,because I know I was probably
half the time bless her heart onanother planet and she's like
(21:28):
she's been Presley a lot.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
You and Presley all the time.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
She's like she hasn't eaten in a while, Just like, oh
God, I mean we all do that.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I mean I told it on when I talked about my podcast
my eight year old was making herown macaroni and cheese.
Um, you know, because Icouldn't get up to do it.
I mean it's, it's part of thosefirst.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
You know days, years, and it's so hard, it is, it's
exhausting and I think, like I,said I, it is so hard, it is,
it's exhausting and I think,like I said, I do think that I
had a lot of people.
I've had a lot of people overthe years reach out to me and
that had no people that havelost faith or that maybe are
like, hey, you know, my friend,they just found out the baby has
(22:14):
no heartbeat and she's going tohave to deliver this baby.
Would you be willing to talk toher on the phone now?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
the baby has no heartbeat and she's going to
have to deliver this baby.
Speaker 3 (22:20):
Would you be willing to talk to her on the phone?
And I have had, more than youwould believe, opportunities to
kind of stand in a gap for a momand say like, hey, here's what
I wish I would have done, here'show this is going to feel,
here's what they're going totell you this is going to be
like, but here's what it'sreally going to be like, and I
think that's huge.
I'm grateful for that.
(22:44):
I'm grateful for thatopportunity.
I'm grateful for what it did.
I think to my faith, where Irealized really quickly I'm a
very, very involved mom.
I homeschool the girls and I'mwith them all the time.
Very involved mom, uh,homeschool the girls and I'm I'm
with them all the time and Ithink it, you know, in a lot of
ways it was a great opportunityfor God to go.
(23:04):
You don't decide you know youdon't get to decide Like I, I
decide.
And and that really um came inhandy Um two years later when we
got pregnant with Josie,because, um, josie is my, is my
third, and Josie was a uh 24week, what they call a micro
(23:26):
preemie.
She she was a result of anotherabrupted placenta, so, which is
pretty common, I think um thatif you abrupt once, you often
can abrupt again, alsolife-threatening delivery, and
she was in the NICU for 106 daysand what you learned from
(23:46):
Bennett was where did you go andhave that baby?
We went to an emergency roomthat was like a maternal
emergency room, where theyalways have a NICU team and an
OBGYN team 24 hours a day onsite.
So when we started bleedingwith Josie, we went straight
there.
And so they were, they wereable to give her a chance.
(24:10):
She was 24 weeks.
They were like we can'tguarantee how she'll do, but we
can, you know, and so it was areally really touch and go hard,
hard, 106 days.
But I will tell you that that,uh, it was, um, we were prepared
for it.
I mean, ironically, we were,you know, we were, we were like,
(24:32):
okay, well, we've got thisother baby now we've got this
other baby and they've, they'vekept her alive.
She was was 24 weeks andBennett was 20.
So we were just four weeks past, which is a lot, and we were
like she was the youngestgestationally at Centennial.
That even went home when wewere there.
So she's an absolute miracle.
(24:52):
But I think, even more thanthat, just what Bennett had done
with our faith and our trustand what, where we were willing
to go with Josie in that andjust to kind of go.
You know, I remember the doctorsaying to Sean he was arguing
with him about something.
We argued with him the wholetime that we were there and he
was arguing with him aboutsomething and one of the doctors
(25:14):
said you know, these babiesonly have a 50,50 chance of even
being remotely normal.
He says to her oh, gosh and Seansaid we've already buried one
and we just want to take thisone home.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
So how about you just do your job yeah?
Speaker 3 (25:31):
Like we already didn't get to take one home
Right and we'll take her.
However, you can give her to us, that's right.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
We'll love her, no matter how she is.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Yeah, yeah, and you mentioned your family.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
What a reality check, you know, for that doctor too.
Yeah, didn't he?
Speaker 3 (25:46):
put his head in his sleeve.
Yeah, I mean, I just think itwas.
I just think that people, youknow, they don't realize, like
hey, look'd just like to takeher home at some point.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
There are so many people, though, that that that
don't have the I shouldn't saythe attitude, but the blessing
that y'all have to be able tosee her and hold her and love
her in those moments that yeah,we just want to take her.
We don't, you know, there'ssome parents that are what was
her size.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Like I know little teeny preemies are like bitty.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
So she was one pound four ounces and she, um, and she
was.
She didn't breathe on her ownfor eight weeks and she had to
have open heart surgery.
While we were there and she,they were like she's probably
going to be low tone deaf andshe's probably going to go home
(26:45):
on it.
I mean, all they take, theyprepare you because they just
don't honestly do very well.
Um, but they were wrong.
I mean, she did great, but um,so while Josie was in so I'm
going to read this to you guystoo, cause this was something
else I wrote while Joe was inthe hospital and I had went and
pulled this up for this podcastand um, it says, uh, there are
(27:07):
no.
So this is one night where theyhad called us.
So three times while Josie wasin the hospital, they called us
and told us that she wasprobably not going to make it
through.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
So three different times where they were like look,
this is, this is probably it.
And in this particular night,um, both the girls were really
sick, really sick at home, andso I sent Sean to the hospital
without me because I was like Imean, I can't, I can't they're
burning up with fever.
You know I can't leave them here, and and my brother-in-law,
(27:42):
when Josie was in the hospital,had come to stay with us and
help us with the girls, whichwas a huge blessing.
But I'm their mom and so Iwrote this the night that I sent
Sean, and it says so tonight asmy husband left.
He prayed for our sweet girland headed to see her and I
checked on the two runningfevers asleep in their room, and
(28:03):
then I hit my knees.
I was all tapped out.
There was nothing to saybecause he already knows what I
want and what I need, so insteadI just cried with my head on
the carpet until I felt enoughrelief in the pit of my stomach
to get up again.
There are no words for what ishappening in my home.
There are no words for the lossof our sweet boy.
There are no words for parentswho bury children.
There is only Jesus.
(28:25):
The only hope that any of ushave, who are fighting or who
have lost their fight is in him,a beautiful, matchless Savior
who lives in a kingdom wherethere is no death or pain or
fear or sickness, a kingdom thatis filled with the children
that we miss, a kingdom that Iwill one day call my home and I
will hold my precious little boywho, I am certain, has his
daddy's dimples.
(28:46):
So tonight, as I sit and writeand wait for the news about my
sweet, tiny, beautiful miracle,I will cry out to him and beg
him for peace in my heart andfor breath in her lungs.
And I know that without a doubthe hears me and he may not
answer just the way I would likehim to or as quickly as I would
like, but he is listeningbecause he loves me and he loves
her and he made Josie hope andhe and she is here, and only by
(29:08):
his hand, and for that I willpraise him.
And even though I'm a weak mess, I will find strength in him
when I know it, when I need it,knowing that I can do all things
through him who give mestrength.
So, oh, my oh.
So you know it was uh and andyou know we got to keep josie
josie's 12 and she's incredible.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
She's 12 right now.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
Yeah, and she's a walking spitfire of a miracle.
She is unbelievable.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
And everything they said about her, and not one
issue that the doctors had said.
Speaker 3 (29:40):
They were completely wrong about all of it, you know.
But I just remember I canremember that night so vividly
and I just like got on the floorand I was like I said I've told
my people this so many timesI'm like I really believe in my
heart that I laid on that floorand I said you can have her if
you want her, you know Okay.
(30:03):
I was like okay, you know what,I'm still gonna.
I'm still gonna bring the othertwo up to trust you and to love
you and to all the things thatyou're counting on me to do.
And if you have to take her too, then just have her.
And I promise you there's likea piece of me that's just like
just me being willing to saythat.
(30:23):
It's almost like Jesus was likeall right, keep her.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
You know, just like.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Yeah, you understand who's in control.
Yeah, yeah yeah, okay, you knowwhat?
I think I'm just going to letyou have her.
You know so, and he did and wedo, and so we have these three
beautiful, talented girls andthey're Amy knows they're a very
successful country music bandand the name of their band is
(30:53):
the Bennett Hall Band.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
They named it after their brother and everything you
told me that, amy, I forgot.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Yes, so we have, we have.
I'm not kidding you.
Bennett's name is all overeverything in our house.
It's on posters and flyers andt-shirts and, and you know,
stickers and hats, and I meanthe boy's name is on everything
Like everybody.
He's with y'all always Everyevery interview the girls do,
(31:24):
every, you know, he's brought up.
Every every gig that we play,there's a giant banner with his
name on it.
And I just think back to when Icalled my sister and I was like
, do I have to name him Bennett,you know?
And she was like.
She was like, yes, I think youhave to name him, that you know.
And now I'm like, well, ofcourse I did.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
Of course I had to name him, that you know.
Speaker 3 (32:11):
I know it's just really amazing what God did with
that.
Obviously would I have ratherjust had been here, of course.
Of course we all would have.
I think that part of it beingthe only boy was just
heartbreaking for me, just forSean, and not that Sean's a
great girl, dad, but there's apiece of you that just sucked.
But all the time, all the timewe're talking, we're saying his
name, all the time, and I'm likewhat a better way to honor him
and to let him have a legacy.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
And to carry him into your future all of your futures
.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
Yes, yes I mean, even this Christmas, presley was
like Mom, can I get a name?
Can I get one of those namenecklaces with Bennett's name on
it?
And you know she's 15 and ahalf and she walks around with
her brother's name on hernecklace.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
You know she never even met.
Yeah, oh, I love it.
Where can we listen to thegirls'?
Speaker 3 (32:47):
music.
You can listen to it on allplaces Spotify and Apple Music
and YouTube and it's the BennettHall Band.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
We'll link that They've been on since they were
knee-high, to a grasshopper.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Oh yeah, They've always been saying it.
It's really fun.
We're having a big adventurewith it.
It's been great.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
But I just think that's the cool.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
To me, that's just the coolest thing, the way that
that turned out.
And I, you know, like I said,I've been able to, you know,
just talk to a lot of youngergirls that have kind of been.
I had somebody reach out to methat just happened to read the
blog and then they, somebody hadturned them on to it and she
just reached out, just I mean,in the last six months, and she
was like I was just wonderinghow do you, how, how were you
(33:33):
pregnant again and how did you,how'd you handle your guilt
about being excited about yournext baby, basically?
And I was able to help talk toher about it, you know, and what
was your advice?
Speaker 1 (33:44):
That's what I was going to ask you.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
Well, I just I told her, you know, I was like I just
think that God you just have totrust that God gives us the
ones that he wants us to keephere on earth and and he,
there's joy in birth.
You know, there's joy in childraising and it's hard and messy,
but there's so many greatthings about it and I don't
(34:06):
think that God gifts you with ababy.
There's so many moms that neverget one.
So it's like I think you justhave to really be grateful for
the ones you have and then, atthe same time, I think you're
honoring the ones you lost bybeing more grateful for the ones
you've got to keep.
(34:28):
And I've tried to do that withmy girls, you know I've tried to
, and Sean has too.
We try, have tried to really,um, it changed us as parents.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
It changed who we were and you guys get that.
Speaker 3 (34:39):
It changes you.
You're like the things that youeven that you hear other
parents that just don't reallyunderstand, or women that are
pregnant, or women that have anewborn or whatever, and you're
just thinking, oh please don'tcomplain about that.
You have no idea how muchthere's some moms that would
really like to have a 15 yearold.
(34:59):
That's driving them crazy.
Or a 23 year old that you'rewondering if it's getting home.
You know like there's so manyof us that would like to be
complaining about that thatdon't get to, for whatever
reason.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
You know, yes, absolutely.
Oh, my gosh.
And thinking back just that, Iwant to like capture this advice
piece.
So there's one side of it.
But in those, you know, yousaid you were so angry and you,
you know, you move in and you'reyou, you're pregnant with,
pregnant with Josie.
Like where do you?
(35:30):
I guess what I'm trying to sayis, like what did you do to sort
of process that grief and angerWriting obviously?
Speaker 3 (35:40):
Yeah, I did that and then I just I think that I
didn't sleep well for years.
I mean, I felt like I never, Imean for the whole, until I was
pregnant with Josie again.
Honestly, it was like it wasjust so hard for me to relax.
You know, I had a hard time andI think I just did a lot of
talking to God, you know, justlike a lot of doing that, and
(36:02):
then I was super.
I tried to be really activewith my other two and stay busy
and and be outside a lot, youknow, stuck inside and um, and
just to do some things that weregood for my mental health.
So I wasn't so discouragedbecause I think there um well, I
(36:23):
know it's discouraging there's,there's a piece of you and, um,
whether you deliver a babythat's died or whether you have
a child that that you knowthat's already been here and
dies, that you feel like youfailed.
You know you kind of feel likeI blew it.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Yeah, what did it?
Where along my life did I messup somewhere?
Speaker 3 (36:43):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I think there's a lot of guilt
that comes with that and I thinkthat and then maybe, maybe,
maybe we did, you know, maybe insome way we did fail.
But you know what we're not, wehave, we're not meant to be
perfect, you know, and I don't,I don't know one mom you know
that, I know that's that's nottrying her best.
(37:04):
You know, I feel like we're alltrying our best with what we
have to work with and we're all,and it is not easy for any of
us, and I tell moms that all thetime I'm like look, this is not
easy like this.
You just have to do the verybest that you can, and and trust
that God gave you you that baby.
Like gave Amy Alec for a reason, right, like for, and gave me
Bennett for a reason, and thatloss was also for a reason, you
(37:27):
know, and and and and how didyou and your husband deal with
the different grief?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
you know like just carrying your own grief, and
then you have these babies andthen this new very stressful,
you know, baby and delivery withJosie.
I mean, how'd you work through?
Speaker 3 (37:45):
that it was so hard.
I will say we laugh about it.
I can remember one night withJoseph in the hospital and oh
gosh, sean has his own practice,so he's very busy chiropractor
and it was so incrediblystressful and if you don't, it
didn't work.
We didn't make money he had.
I cannot imagine the pressurehe had on him.
Plus, he goes to work every dayand people know, so they're
(38:07):
asking them questions all thetime, you know, so we were not a
whole lot of fun to be aroundif I'm being honest.
And so I can remember when welaugh about it.
I can remember when I yeah, Ican remember saying to him one
night I do not like you verymuch, and he was like that's all
right, cause I don't like youeither.
You know, like we were justlike, oh, I'm just so, but you
(38:29):
know what he, sean has.
He was very supportive in.
However, I decided I was goingto feel that day and I really
appreciated that because I thinkthat, just as a person and as a
mom, I think a lot of timesmoms are just supposed to suck
(38:49):
it up and keep moving forward,and there's like an expectation
of that, and though I did dothat, he but like if he came
home and I just started to cry,he's like oh, a bad day, huh,
you know, like he just wassupportive of and he always has
been, and it'll still get to me,like I'll still every now and
then I and he's like, oh, areyou thinking about our boy?
(39:10):
And I'm like I am, I'm just soyou know, I'm just yes, yeah, it
is, it's sad and it's.
The girls get older and they'reso fun and I'm just thinking,
oh my gosh, can you imagine ifwe had a 15 year old boy in this
mix of crazy?
And you know I kind of feel likeyou know, but again, I just
think that we got the ones thatwe were meant to have and,
honestly, if we had not, if wehad had Bennett, I'm not sure we
(39:34):
would have tried to haveanother baby and I cannot
imagine my life without Josie.
I cannot imagine I just cannot.
She is unbelievable.
She is one of the coolestpeople in the whole world and
what she did to our faith andwhat she did to when she was in
(39:54):
the hospital we had thousands.
We had letters from all overthe world come in for Jo.
We had started this Facebookpage and the people testimony
people would send us about whatshe did for their faith and how
she you know it just changed her.
Her surviving and doing wellchanged so many people's lives.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
And I just can't.
I can't imagine it.
Melanie's hashtag for her is doyou believe in miracles?
She is a living, walking, oh myGod, and so I just can't.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Do you all still have like?
Do you have your blog and yourFacebook page?
Speaker 3 (40:30):
We do.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
You do.
Oh wow, we'll get all of thatfor the listeners.
Speaker 3 (40:35):
We have her Facebook page and then I have my blog
still and I send people.
As a matter of fact, I just didthis to another mom, but I send
people.
I have a mom that I'm friendswith.
She's fantastic and she justcan't get pregnant.
She just cannot.
She just keeps trying, keepstrying, keeps trying.
And I sent her to my blog and Iwas just like you should just
(40:55):
go.
Sometimes it's just good toread that somebody else had
something that sucked you know,even if it's not the same.
You know, Like somebody else, itwas hard for somebody else,
Because I think, honestly, theculture really, really
(41:17):
glamorizes childbearing andnursing and childbirth and makes
it act like it's just so prettyand so easy and so you should
just be able to pop these babiesout and you know, and get the
monogram little thing on, yeahright, and they just they latch
right on and you nurse themwherever you want to, and I'm
like that is.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
With a bow in their head Exactly.
Speaker 3 (41:31):
And I think that it's so misleading for, and then
then these young you know, thisnext younger generation, younger
than me, anyway they getpregnant and and then they, and
then they feel like they're notdoing good.
They're not good at it, Ithought I was going to be good
at it.
They'll say to me and I'm like,oh honey, like we all thought
we were going to be good, alltheir Facebook friends, all
their Insta friends.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
they're all it looks like they're good at it.
They are, and that split second.
They're doing a good job, andthat's what's so hard, though,
and I know that having.
Like you said, though, there'sa whole group of people out
there that do have these babiesthat never breathe outside of
the womb, but nobody talks aboutit.
Speaker 3 (42:14):
Yeah, my mom said she cried.
She said I don't know how tohelp you.
She's like this is somethingshe had lost, she'd had
miscarriages and whatever shegoes.
I just I don't know.
I have no idea how to relate toyou.
I don't know how to help you.
And we had a friend her namewas Marsha Leach that came along
(42:36):
.
Sean had met her and herhusband.
They're great people and andand they had.
She had lost twins about thesame, about the same
gestationally as I had lostBennett, and she brought me a
book and she would bring me foodand and and she would.
It was just like, oh, there'ssomebody else that understands
how bad this really sucks.
You know, I was just sograteful for it.
It was just one person, but Iwas so grateful for it.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
I think that's why we all find the connection, though
, is that you latch on to peoplethat have that connection,
because there's nobody out thereand you're, like, so grateful
for.
It's kind of like when you'rein the desert and you find water
, you know, I would just soak itup as much as I can, because
Yep, I just don't think it's acommunity, it's just not a.
Speaker 3 (43:20):
My mom said that when her mom had lost a baby I think
she may be twins, actually latelike that and she said they
just didn't talk, Nobody talkedabout it.
He just kind of moved on to thenext pregnancy kind of thing.
And so she's like I just don'tknow how to, how to help you.
And then my sister and Samantha, and then Meg, you know, and I
(43:42):
can't imagine how bad they felt.
You know they love me so much.
And then, and then they're likeoh, you know here's my new baby,
and it's just like it wascrappy.
I felt almost as bad for themas I did, because I would have
felt bad too it was just brutal.
Speaker 1 (43:59):
You do all of it and nobody can fix it.
One of the last questions justwhat advice?
What did your mom and yoursisters and these good people in
your life like?
What did they do that reallydid help?
Speaker 3 (44:16):
I think that what I tell people all the time and I
don't know that anyone maybe mymom probably did best at this,
that did as good at this as Iwould have liked but I tell
people we can't pretend likethese babies were not born.
Yes, you have to stop actinglike it didn't happen.
(44:36):
Yeah, you know, you got to goback and say, hey, uh, I know
it's been his birthday or, likeyou know, you had to especially
early.
Like these moms I'm like, payattention.
So I have these different momswhere I know the anniversary
when their baby was born thatI've talked to and I reach out
to them on the anniversary.
And I'm thinking of Charlietoday.
I just wanted you to know.
Or I'm thinking of Sully today.
(44:56):
I just wanted you to know, youknow, because it's like we can't
.
I think that the best thing youcan do as a friend is to not not
say or not go well, just begrateful for the babies you
already have.
Yeah, oh, like, who came upwith that?
You know, it's just like.
Or you know, or, hey, at leastyou got to have a couple of
babies.
I mean, some people can't haveany.
(45:17):
It's like, no, no, no, this wasa person.
You know, this was a person, andso I think that that would
probably be my best advice forsomebody who's you know, for
somebody who's you know, comeback and try and remember it.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:32):
What's that, amy?
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Sorry For one of our moms.
I said one of the favoritecomebacks for one of our moms.
She's like they're like, oh, atleast you have other children.
Speaker 3 (45:41):
They're like, oh, really Well which one would you
like to get rid of?
Speaker 1 (45:51):
You know like can y'all not hear me at all.
Right, I can hear you.
Yes, you were freezing just fora minute there.
That's why we're catching up,but we got you Okay, oh my gosh.
Well, thank you so much,melanie.
We appreciate, and well, I wantto link all of your blog and
(46:13):
Facebook page.
Yes, and the kids the name ofthe band, so that you know
listeners can find all of thatamazing things.
I'm just, I'm still so struckby that line about you know,
losing your mind and you justhave to go find it and there
just is so much intention inwhat you wrote there and, um, oh
(46:38):
, it just like cuts me so deeplybecause I know how hard that
was for you not only to type itbut to just really live that and
I just thank you for sharingyour journey and your faith and
um, it's just, it's beautifuland sad and um, I'll remember
Bennett's story for sure.
Speaker 3 (46:58):
Well, thank you for having me.
I really appreciate both of youhaving me in and let me be part
of this um awesome podcast.
That, I think, is a greatsupport system for moms that
need it.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
The world needs to know Bennett, and it is truly
one of great grace, thank you,thanks, libby.
Speaker 3 (47:23):
I will send you the links of those things.
Great, we appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (47:27):
Well, it was so nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (47:29):
Thanks, Nice to meet you too.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
I can't wait to listen to the Bennett.
Speaker 3 (47:31):
Band.
Thank you so much.
Y'all have a great night.
Speaker 1 (47:34):
All right, bye.
Speaker 2 (47:35):
All right, bye people , bye.
Talk to y'all next time.
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