May 20, 2024 • 29 mins
What a beautiful interview we had with Anna Howard, lovingly referred to as "Annie" in her early years. Her wisdom is beyond her twenty-three years and shares important advice for other siblings who have lived losing their beloved sibling. For Annie, she lost her best friend, Ashley.
This episode Annie, a successful, young hairdresser, tells her grief journey weaving threads of loss, remembrance, and healing.
Annie shares what helped her through the first 3-5 years, one being Kate's Club, a safe place for kids who have lost a sibling or parent to share their sorrow as well as learn how to cope...knowing they are not alone. Here, Annie discusses the transformation grief forces a child to go through; for her, the traumatic boat accident and loss of Ashley turned her "into a shell of herself." Yet, now years later, Annie is once again outgoing and finds strength in her own voice.
We are so thankful to Annie and how she bravely peels back the layers of her personal struggles with faith, her protective instincts in times of trauma, and the way loss entwines with everyday interactions—be it with family or clients in her hairdressing chair.
Annie's courage offers a hope to us moms, wanting to hear what helps our surviving children. She also offers clear advice to other siblings that it is "ok to cry" and shares her belief in the subtle signs that keep the memory of Ashley ever-present, from digital frames to conversations with her nephews to noticing butterflies or a "fat bird" nearby.
Join us for a heartfelt testament to the enduring impact of sibling loss and Annie's profound comfort found in Ashley's continued presence.
"Dream Bird" by Jonny Easton
Thank you for listening to Warrior Moms podcast. It is an honor to share about our beloved children gone too soon, and we hope by telling of our loss, it may help someone in their grief journey. Please note that we are not medical professionals and encourage those listening to seek help from mental health professionals.
We'd love to hear from our followers!
Website: https://www.warriormoms.me/
Facebook: Warrior Moms-The Club No One Wants to Be In
Instagram: WarriorMoms.SurvivingChildLoss
With love,
Warrior Moms Amy & Michele
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
I'm Michelle.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
And I'm Amy, and we are very excited to be here
today with a very special guest.
We're continuing the SiblingSeries and we've got Miss Annie
Howard.
Her mom, christy Howard, waswith us on episode 18, telling
the story of her daughter, whichis Annie's older sister.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Ashley, ashley, yes, and we're so glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
Yes, we're so excited.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Well, first just tell us a little bit about you.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
So I am 24 now and I'm a hairdresser in downtown
Roswell.
So fun, just trying to justlive in my life.
Yeah, I love it.
Um career gal already.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Yeah, right out of high school, so that's awesome.
Um, so let's just jump in.
Tell us about your relationshipwith Ashley, who was Ashley to
you she was.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
My biggest role model still is mm-hmm.
I always it was really just meand her in the house during the
ages.
I can remember because mybrother was in college, my other
sister was in college, so I wassister was in college, so we
were very close.
Yeah, we still had our pettyarguments.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
We were sisters.
Speaker 3 (01:30):
We were sisters, we still were very close.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
What was your age difference?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Five years.
Okay yeah, my sister's nextsister is four years.
And we're super close too, yeah, well, good, so take us to that
terrible day so what I canremember and um, how old were
you at this time?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I was 10.
Okay, I just turned 10 becauseit was june, so, ashley was 15
so she was 15, about to turn 16,that year, and I was just.
I just turned 10 yeah, um, so Iwas a baby 10 and um, we were
out with one of her friends.
We're a tube in and everythingseemed pretty normal and yeah it
was an amazing day, we had somuch fun and then, um, it
(02:17):
happened, and it's just um shefell off the tube.
I fell off and I saw it warnedher she went under and that was
it Got hit by another boat.
Yes, she got hit by a pontoonboat.
Oh, my heavens it was justawful.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, and do you when you think of that day.
Is it just a blur, or are theremoments that you a blur or are
there moments that you?
Speaker 3 (02:48):
there's some significant moments.
Um, like I remember um gettingon because my sister's friend,
she called her parents and so weparked our boat, got on their
(03:09):
boat and I remember talking tothe cop sitting on um her boat
and it was just, it's likelittle snippets, not really
anything flowy.
Um, I do remember that we endedup going back to her house my
sister's friend's house and um Igot changed and everything and
my aunt picked me up and I waswith my aunt for the until, yeah
, all the hospital days I waswith her and with my cousin and
they lived in town too theyactually lived closer to lake
(03:30):
lanier than they do where wecurrently live in alfreda and so
, oh my gosh, I'm so glad youhad your aunt, did you?
Speaker 2 (03:38):
during those days.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Do you remember much of what, what y'all did during
those days, or anything Iremember so we, I do remember
sleeping in the bed with my auntkim and my cousin, okay, and
then I remember just honestly,those days full of laughter and
stuff like that, and we would goto the hospital.
I would see my sister, right,but, um, my aunt and uncle did a
(04:03):
very great job distracting.
Yes, because if I just, and youprobably, couldn't really
comprehend all the details ofwhat was happening and yeah, I,
it was a baby, 10 year old,trying to understand death it
was yeah, and that was my firstlike actual face-to-face with
death.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah absolutely, and it wasn't a definitive at age 10
.
It's not a yeah, it's not a,it's so abstract.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I mean you can't, you can't exactly figure out what
that means.
Yeah, oh, my goodness.
Well, let's go to a happiermoment for a second.
So you know, you remember thosefirst couple days, as you know,
strangely beautiful, right,it's this happy, joyful time.
What were some of those like?
Maybe memories that you know,when your family would get
(04:52):
together and talk about Ashley?
Speaker 3 (04:55):
So we started doing okay so on her birthday every
year for the past 14 years.
Yeah, no, 13 years.
We do Don't Unsettler Tree.
I love it.
So my sister was a huge ponygirl, everything about that pony
(05:15):
.
I remember going to the barn.
I remember not wanting to bethere.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
I remember wanting to go home.
It smelled bad, right, exactly.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
But again, I would give anything to go back there.
But at Willis Parker QuestUnion Center we have a tree in
honor of her and so we dostrawberry sprinkled donuts
every year.
And long story with that oneit's.
My sister used to go to schoolat Kings Ridge and we had a
(05:47):
wonderful person who was ourreceptionist and she would
always save ashley a strawberrysprinkled donut.
So that kind of that became herface favorite and I was like
that's her favorite.
So right, kind of continue thattradition.
I love throughout the years.
That's so darling.
I love like I always talk abouther Always.
I've talked to her with clientssometimes.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
And it's just.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
That was one of.
That was one of our questionswas you know, as you've moved
from this 10 year old self tonow you know almost 24, you talk
about her.
How do you get that strength?
A lot of people shy away fromthat and, just you know, even
say I have two siblings ratherthan three.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Yeah, so it really depends on what clients in my
chair Like.
I have some clients that I'vetold a story to and some that I
haven't.
But there is this one and she'sthe sweetest lady ever and she
lost her husband and so I sharedAshley and we had like a very
(06:46):
deep, like God conversation andit was amazing and I remember
talking about Ashley likethrough high school and stuff
like that, and a lot of peoplewould be like I don't get how
you're so good at talking aboutit, Like yeah, just tear me up.
And I'm like I had a lot ofhelp and support.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
A lot of practice.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
The ages of 10, to every day every day.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I mean, I still get it.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Yes, um, but one of the biggest factors of why I can
smile and talk about her andthis is the organ donation is
that was a huge part of herstory and that's a huge part of
the story I tell about her.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Um, I just think it's amazing yeah, tell us about
that, in case others haven'tlistened to your mom's so my mom
knows all the detail.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
So please go listen to my mom's episode.
Um, I do know, like the onethat's stuck in my brain is um,
she gave her heart to an eightor nine year old girl in Indiana
, wow, which at that time I was10.
Yeah, so we would be around thesame age.
Oh my gosh, it just gives mefull chills.
I know and um, wow, I'veactually been working on trying
(07:54):
to reach out to her and seeinghow how she is and everything
like that, and I know it's justkind of like a little piece of
Ashley still out there.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Yes, absolutely.
Oh my gosh, wouldn't that beamazing?
Yes, I agree that would be socool.
You said there's, so the organdonation is so important part of
the story.
I know you were really involvedin Kate's Club Tell us about
the importance of that.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
Now, kate's Club is one of the biggest impacts of my
life through this story.
When I went to Kate's Club, Ididn't talk to anybody Anybody
who knows me now I'm a verytalkative person.
I didn't, I was a shell andthroughout Camp Good Mornings
(08:43):
and Kate's Club is thisorganization where if you've
lost a sister, brother, a motheror a father or any guardian
that's really really close toyou, you can come this from ages
I want to say the youngestright now and I could be totally
wrong but seven years old to 18year old, and I went from 10.
(09:04):
I can't remember how many yearsthat was that I went, but it
was.
It's very impactful becauseyou're not alone.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
That's the biggest thing, isn't it?
And it's.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
Oh, I can say this, and somebody next to me will
understand me, and nobody thathasn't had this won't think of a
certain way about thisstatement.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
And it's just like having an unspoken um bond
between other people.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Absolutely, oh, I can only imagine and it's amazing
and this is kind of getting intoa different same topic, but
different of course, but it's.
You have your parents there totalk to, but, of course, being a
mom is different than being asibling.
Exactly, y'all have a differentbond.
You have a huge loss, but it'sdifferent than your mom's loss.
(10:00):
It's different than your dad'sloss and it's even different
than your older siblings loss,because y'all were so close.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Exactly, and they were, they weren't there.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
They weren't there.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Yeah, I was the only one that truly saw everything
that happened.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yes, oh, my goodness, so, so hard when you think of
those you know first, how longwould you say before?
Like I don't know for mepersonally, like I say like, oh
gosh, I remember when I kind ofcame out of the cloud, you know,
kind of out of this gray.
Do you remember that, like as achild, where all of a sudden it
(10:36):
was like you were in a newspace where you, you know, you
talked about you being a shell,when all of a sudden you found
your voice again.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I would say would say middle school, like late middle
school, early high schoolreally, because I have dyslexia
and ADHD so I've jumped arounddifferent schools.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Yeah, and I think honestly, like I'm still working
on coming out of the clouds-the question I have for you is
when you say that you were youdidn't talk to anyone A shell,
really you were a shell.
What explain that to me?
Speaker 3 (11:13):
So I was a very talkative little kid.
I would not stop talking, yeah.
But as I was trying to process,like what was going on and
everything, I kind of becamemore to myself and more to the
family and the people like Iknow I can trust, more than
(11:36):
strangers or like other kids orlike a complete extrovert to it
To an introvert, basically.
And then I had to find my wayback to who?
Speaker 1 (11:46):
you really were and it was just.
Was it just time, would you sayyeah?
That did that time and supportProbably a lot of work, though.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
It was definitely a lot of work.
I had a lot of faith work to dotoo, oh gosh, yes.
That I'm still trying to buildmy relationship up with him,
with God and everything, andit's because at that point, when
that happened with Ashley, Ihated him.
Why wouldn't you?
I was like, oh okay, so you'rewonderful and everything, but
(12:16):
you just killed my sister.
Right, I can't, we get it.
Yeah, I can't follow someonethat has.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Yeah exactly, and it does, it shakes you to your core
.
I remember one pastor said tome God can handle your anger,
god can handle your questions.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
And um, that too, though was hard to under, you
know, it was still hard to wrapyour head around all of it and
as a 10 year old I can't imagineyeah, Cause it was just like
Sunday school said that stuff,so I didn't know a lot about him
.
And like starting high schooland now like I've really gotten
into that faith journey andmaking it stronger with me and
kind of understanding, like okay, so this happens for this and
(12:52):
this and this.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So yeah, when you think about those first you know
couple years in school, likefor my daughter, she doesn't
have memory of those first twoyears of school.
How is it?
Is it similar?
Is it different?
Speaker 3 (13:08):
So actually, if you go back and listen to my mom's
podcast she mentioned that I wasI turned myself into a puppy,
yeah, which she came home afterdoing that podcast.
It goes do you remember this?
Speaker 2 (13:18):
And I go?
Speaker 3 (13:19):
no, not at all.
Do you remember it now?
I remember it now that she saidI remember sitting underneath
the teacher's desk.
I remember like being a puppy.
Yeah, I remember it and it'skind of crazy now because I'm
like I kind of may just kind ofclose that those memories into a
box yeah, because I guess forme.
(13:41):
They were too traumatizing toprotecting yourself.
Yeah, yeah, so, yeah.
So I know, when mom said that,I was like, oh, I mean, it does
sound like me, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Well, and I think that just shows just how
shattering an experience oflosing a sibling, losing a child
, is.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Yeah, because she was my best friend, yeah, still is,
but she at that point was Iwould go annoy her and her
friends just to hang out withher.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Like typical, typical little sister.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yes, I love it.
Um, well, one of the thingsthat you know you had said.
So you're a hairdresser.
Um, how do you talk about evenjust with new coworkers, or you
know?
Do you bring it up?
Do you talk about it with umfriends?
You know, as you're, you knowyou're meeting new people that
don't know the story.
Speaker 3 (14:33):
I, that's actually one of my favorite things to do,
um.
So I have a couple co-workersall my co-workers know, all my
bosses know, because I'm veryopen about it like I'll, I'll
let you know um, and I have someco-workers that are like I have
all my co-workers are supersupportive, um, but I have some
that I can go to and just belike hey, I need to sit with you
(14:54):
for a moment, I just need tosomething happen, I just need to
do this, yeah.
And then I have clients, um,that come in and it'll be a
brand new client sitting in mychair and for some reason, it's
just just God led that she justlike I had one that just started
crying and, of course, you knowme, I'm like tell me what's
(15:15):
wrong.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
What's up?
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Because we're not just hairdressers.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
You're safer than a bartender.
We are.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
We're therapists, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
We're like the only people that do like an all
around self check with everyoneand um, and we just sat there
and just had like a big Godmoment and I was kind of
spilling into my nextappointment and I was like, all
right, thank you so much.
And then she rebooked with meand it was like now I see her
every four weeks.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Um, but it was, I feel it out, because there are
some people who just want tocome and relax yeah Right,
that's cool.
And then there's some that needto have a conversation.
There's some that's just like,can we just sit here?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
And I'm like yes, and don't speak, just massage my
head.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
I'm blood drawn my hair again, please.
Yeah, those are the best whenyou think back to those first
couple of years.
What was?
Are there some difficultmoments, like with your mom and
dad, like seeing them go throughthat grieving process, or is
that part of the blur?
Speaker 3 (16:18):
A little bit of both.
So I had my aunt, heidi, mymom's sister.
She, my mom told me that shewas like my best friend at that
time, which now, like re-talkingabout this and thinking about
it more, like I remember it, andI think she's the one that kind
of shielded me and let mom anddad kind of grieve on the side
and like helped me grieve andthat stuff.
(16:38):
But like as I grew up and stuffI mean we just kind of all
grieved together.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
I mean, there's times where I go sit in the living
room and I'm just like I can'tdo this today.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yeah, it's a sad day I can't people today?
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Yeah, I can't be an adult we do that I can't people
today, I'm done.
I used all my energy at work.
Yes, I'm done.
Yeah, I love hearing you saythat.
Yeah, because as moms, we dothat.
Like I just can't do this today, like I can't, I used all my
(17:14):
energy at school today or atwork today or wherever, and it's
just I don't know.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
It's refreshing to hear that that you're taking
that time for yourself, and thatyou gift that, and there's a
lot of times where my uhcoworkers are like oh, we're
going to have this tonight, likedo you want to come with us?
And I'm like, honestly, y'all,I need to go to church.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Like I need to go to church or I need to go home and
be by myself Like I, I just Ineed a minute, yeah, and they're
like, okay, but you are soextroverted.
I mean still just the minuteI've met.
The first time I met you atyour, you know, one of the one
of your mom's meetings, you camein afterwards and took our
picture and you just, you justhave a glow Like you have a
happiness to you and it's, it'samazing to believe how far
you've come, knowing that youwere a puppy under the desk to
(18:01):
now.
It's crazy.
I know it's a lot of work, Iknow it didn't just happen.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Yeah, I had a lot of work between my therapist and my
therapist did tremendous workwith me and I still go see her
once in a while just to give hera little life update.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I'm like, hey, what's up?
Yeah.
I might need you next week, butright now.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I'm good Right now.
I'm good.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
I don't want you to forget about me.
Right, exactly, so what do youcontribute?
Like therapist kate's club?
Is there anything else that youdid for yourself?
Speaker 1 (18:37):
to help or that your family did.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Yeah, um, kate's club was a huge one, um, but also
like really, kate's club and mytherapist yeah, it's really what
Kate's Club and my therapist.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
It's really what I can remember and my parents'
support.
I mean, I was a littlerebellion.
I was a rebellion Rightfully.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
I mean, you have permission yeah, you know and
it's, and I'm sure your mom feltthe same way.
You have permission, but oh,dear Jesus give me give me
something, please, right, yes,so like Kate's Club, did you
voluntarily go there?
How did that?
How did that transpire?
Speaker 3 (19:13):
honestly, I think my mom was like all right, get in
the car, you're going to a camptoday.
And I was like okay, like I wasjust like okay whatever.
I know I'm like I kind of lovecamps and that's yeah and I
guess when the first coupletimes that I went there I was
very like to myself, I grabbedto the adults more than the kids
.
I bet they all, I bet a lot ofkids do.
(19:33):
The director, who is still thedirector there, deborah Brooks
um, I hope I said the name right.
Last name um, she I still gosee her like, because now I
volunteer because, say, don'tyou work.
The last name she I still gosee her Like, because now I
volunteer Because say don't youwork at the camps?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
now sometimes I do.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Yes, I love that I started going back after like I
got my career down pat and Icould add more things to my
schedule, I was like Kate's Clubneeds to be one of the one top
of the list.
Yeah, because I feel like mywork through my story and
everything is helping otherpeople through it Absolutely.
And I had this one camp and Iwas helping out a kid and then
(20:10):
after hours, when the kids wereasleep, the adults are always up
, we're always up doing themeetings or getting ready for
tomorrow.
Yeah, and I'll share a storywith you.
I had a, um, a male camper.
That was because our camps arelike female, male, like back and
forth and so he was sittingoutside and he he looked sad.
(20:31):
So me, I was like.
I walked up to him.
I was like, hey, is everythingokay?
Like are you good?
yeah, and we sat there and turnsout, his brother died in 2010
and he's just now dealing withit, wow, and I was like it's
just and it was an adultcounselor it was adult, yeah and
it was.
We stayed up till one o'clocktalking, oh my gosh.
And the next morning atbreakfast he came to me.
(20:53):
He goes.
I have to say thank you and Iwas like for what?
Yeah, this is what this wholeplace is about, is healing each
other.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
So, yeah, thank you, but you're good right now it is,
I mean it is.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
God's work?
Speaker 2 (21:10):
mm-hmm, it truly truly is, and even though we're
mad at him a lot of the days, ithe does beautiful things, he
does well and and you'relistening yes, you're allowing
yourself just to be you and notbe afraid of I mean.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Grief is hard to talk about and you know a lot of
people could see him sittingthere and go.
Oh gosh, that's going to be ahard conversation.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Yeah, let's just leave him to be by himself.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Yeah, he just wants to be by himself, and yet you
asked if you know.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
You walked into the mess.
I don't want the mess about it.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
I did you you ran to the mess and that's what I love
is that I'm running away fromthe mess, yeah I love that when
you think about advice, is thatone of the big pieces or is
there other advice, like interms of going through this
process for other siblings?
Speaker 3 (21:58):
advice that I give the kids at kids club is it's
okay to cry, because that was mybiggest thing.
I didn't want to show weakness,I didn't like I I do I didn't
want to do anything withemotions.
I was so shut like I didn't wantto do anything and, um, I had
this little girl and she waskind of the same way.
And the night we do thisluminary walk where we make bags
(22:20):
of our loved ones and we walkthe last night and it's the
first lap is respectful.
The second lap you can sit downand grieve and you can be out
there all you want.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
And if you need support, then we're here.
If not, if you want to cry withyourself over here, if you want
to go to the gym and play games, you can do that.
Yeah, but it's just the advicethat I would definitely give
kids that are 10 and to even nowis it's okay to feel your
emotions, it's okay to live init, but it's not okay to keep
(22:50):
living in it, to stay there.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
To stay there.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Yeah, because that is not what your loved one wanted.
Ashley did not want me, and mymom and my dad to be.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
oh, she's gone.
No, she wanted us to get offour butts and go.
She's gone.
No, she wanted us to get offour butts and go live our lives.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah 100%.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
And I had a conversation with a little girl
about God and it was kind oflike a just like, why did he
take my mom?
Why did he take my mom?
And I had that conversationwith her and I went outside and
she went to bed and I called mymom and I was like how am?
And I went outside and she wentto bed and I called my mom and
I was like how am I able to dothis?
Yeah like I was sobbing.
Like I was sobbing.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
I was like how am I able to do this?
And she goes you have yourangel right there.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Oh, like you know, I was like and immediately I was
like you're right?
Speaker 2 (23:36):
of course I do, I do.
I'm questioning you too how areyou able to do this, Like, how
are you doing this?
This is so.
I don't know that I could dothat.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
I mean, it's just, it's beautiful.
Yeah, I have such an admiration.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
I grew up in it yes.
I did.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
This is all you know.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Mm-hmm, Really, I love helping people and it's
like that that's your heart.
It's always been my heart.
I've always wanted to helpsomebody in some way.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
And I feel like that came out when I was a little kid
like a tiny little kid too,yeah, and like to now, like I'll
help you with your hair.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
And if you want to talk about your emotions while
we're doing your hair.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
we can do that too, yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
So the advice that you would give 10-year-old you,
13-year-old you, 16, 13 year oldyou, 16 year old you it's all
the same.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
It's all the same, keep pushing yeah it will get
better.
You'll have days where you wantto lay in bed and crawl and
knock it out, but it will getbetter yeah, yeah, it's softer
in some way, like the pain of itall.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Um last, and kind of thinking about ashley again.
Um what, what are ways that youcelebrate Ashley still today,
like, um yeah, we see yourtattoo.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
So, um, for my 18th birthday, I kind of semi gave my
mom an ultimatum.
I was like I'm going to getyour tattoo, cause my mom has
the.
My mom has the original print,so she has.
Um, for those who are listening, it's my sister's name and then
I have a little bird rightabove the y.
(25:08):
Um, the original print has aheart going off of the y and the
xoxo, and that's what my momhas um the story around mine is
I have the exact samehandwriting, but I wanted a bird
because for some reason, um, mydad just started calling Ashley
fat bird and it was like thecutest thing.
She was not like, I don't knowshe was tiny, right she was here
(25:30):
.
Yeah, like she, that's.
That was their nickname foreach other.
So I was like, can I take fatbird?
And she goes.
Yeah, that's fine and so um, somine has that and it's.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I got it when I was 18.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
I got told mom and I was like all right, like I
really really want this, yeah,and I think my mom was thinking
like, okay, I might as well putmy input in this yeah, before
it's gonna happen, I go out anddo it yeah yeah, um, but ours on
the same hand, same place, yeah, um.
So I honor her that way andthen then I always have her on
my mind, always.
(26:03):
She's always in my phone.
She's always when I wake up inthe morning.
There's pictures of her likepictures of us, like I'm a very
big picture person.
She's never hidden in our house.
She's always around when I havea niece and nephew, two
adorable little children adorbsum they know the story yeah
(26:27):
they know who she is.
There's.
We have um got my mom one yearfor some holiday.
It was a picture frame thatchanges pictures, oh yeah one of
those digital ones and, um,she's in it, she's in it.
And one time will was like oh,there's aunt ashley.
And then like started to goback and play and it kind of
took me back.
I was like you're right, thatis Aunt Ashley.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah, like we don't.
Yeah, it's part of life, it'spart of the fabrics.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
She will always be talked about and always be
shared.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
I love that.
I think that's what it ishealing thing that we talk about
them.
They are still present everyday and every month I mean it.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
Just just because you can't see them doesn't mean
they were not whispering in yourear.
No, and there's days where I'mlike all right, I hear you,
ashley stop, I hear you.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yeah, my son like his bug bites.
I think he just bites me, he'sa mosquito just biting me all
the time.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
We have a symbol of butterflies.
Oh yes, we have butterflies inour backyard and everything.
And I was standing outside acouple days ago and I'm like,
right next to our fence line,like our fence, and the bird
there was a little fat bird thatliterally parked right next to
my head and the moment I movedhe scooted down.
(27:45):
But I was like, all right, Isee you, good morning.
I see you, I love it.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
I said Alec was a mosquito, but he's a brown bird.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I mean, there's so many, like you said, there's so
many little things.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Butterflies are a huge one.
Yes, there's been so manylittle messages, yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
It's crazy.
If you open your eyes, you willsee them.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
I know I love it.
Well, this has been such ablessing to get to talk to you.
Oh my gosh, thank you, you knowfrom the 10-year-old self, to
this beautiful young woman who'syou know has really found your
voice completely and sharing itin such a beautiful way.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
I've been waiting for y'all to text me and be like.
I know you are coming.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Hey, you were way up there.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
You were top of the list, girl, I mean it is we love
hearing your story, and justyou know and your honesty yes,
you know hard days.
I'm very honest about it.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
There's days that I don't want to do anything.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
No, and.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
I don't, and then the next day I'm like running and
getting all this stuff.
Here we go, here we go.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Like you said, you're talking to us when you have 42
other things you need to do andI get it.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
Yes, yes, yes.
Hello and welcome back to Warrior Moms.
I'm Michelle.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
And I'm Amy, and we are very excited to be here
today with a very special guest.
We're continuing the SiblingSeries and we've got Miss Annie
Howard.
Her mom, christy Howard, waswith us on episode 18, telling
the story of her daughter, whichis Annie's older sister.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Ashley, ashley, yes, and we're so glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
Yes, we're so excited.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Well, first just tell us a little bit about you.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
So I am 24 now and I'm a hairdresser in downtown
Roswell.
So fun, just trying to justlive in my life.
Yeah, I love it.
Um career gal already.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Yeah, right out of high school, so that's awesome.
Um, so let's just jump in.
Tell us about your relationshipwith Ashley, who was Ashley to
you she was.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
My biggest role model still is mm-hmm.
I always it was really just meand her in the house during the
ages.
I can remember because mybrother was in college, my other
sister was in college, so I wassister was in college, so we
were very close.
Yeah, we still had our pettyarguments.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
We were sisters.
Speaker 3 (01:30):
We were sisters, we still were very close.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
What was your age difference?
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Five years.
Okay yeah, my sister's nextsister is four years.
And we're super close too, yeah, well, good, so take us to that
terrible day so what I canremember and um, how old were
you at this time?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I was 10.
Okay, I just turned 10 becauseit was june, so, ashley was 15
so she was 15, about to turn 16,that year, and I was just.
I just turned 10 yeah, um, so Iwas a baby 10 and um, we were
out with one of her friends.
We're a tube in and everythingseemed pretty normal and yeah it
was an amazing day, we had somuch fun and then, um, it
(02:17):
happened, and it's just um shefell off the tube.
I fell off and I saw it warnedher she went under and that was
it Got hit by another boat.
Yes, she got hit by a pontoonboat.
Oh, my heavens it was justawful.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Yeah, and do you when you think of that day.
Is it just a blur, or are theremoments that you a blur or are
there moments that you?
Speaker 3 (02:48):
there's some significant moments.
Um, like I remember um gettingon because my sister's friend,
she called her parents and so weparked our boat, got on their
(03:09):
boat and I remember talking tothe cop sitting on um her boat
and it was just, it's likelittle snippets, not really
anything flowy.
Um, I do remember that we endedup going back to her house my
sister's friend's house and um Igot changed and everything and
my aunt picked me up and I waswith my aunt for the until, yeah
, all the hospital days I waswith her and with my cousin and
they lived in town too theyactually lived closer to lake
(03:30):
lanier than they do where wecurrently live in alfreda and so
, oh my gosh, I'm so glad youhad your aunt, did you?
Speaker 2 (03:38):
during those days.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Do you remember much of what, what y'all did during
those days, or anything Iremember so we, I do remember
sleeping in the bed with my auntkim and my cousin, okay, and
then I remember just honestly,those days full of laughter and
stuff like that, and we would goto the hospital.
I would see my sister, right,but, um, my aunt and uncle did a
(04:03):
very great job distracting.
Yes, because if I just, and youprobably, couldn't really
comprehend all the details ofwhat was happening and yeah, I,
it was a baby, 10 year old,trying to understand death it
was yeah, and that was my firstlike actual face-to-face with
death.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah absolutely, and it wasn't a definitive at age 10
.
It's not a yeah, it's not a,it's so abstract.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
I mean you can't, you can't exactly figure out what
that means.
Yeah, oh, my goodness.
Well, let's go to a happiermoment for a second.
So you know, you remember thosefirst couple days, as you know,
strangely beautiful, right,it's this happy, joyful time.
What were some of those like?
Maybe memories that you know,when your family would get
(04:52):
together and talk about Ashley?
Speaker 3 (04:55):
So we started doing okay so on her birthday every
year for the past 14 years.
Yeah, no, 13 years.
We do Don't Unsettler Tree.
I love it.
So my sister was a huge ponygirl, everything about that pony
(05:15):
.
I remember going to the barn.
I remember not wanting to bethere.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
I remember wanting to go home.
It smelled bad, right, exactly.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
But again, I would give anything to go back there.
But at Willis Parker QuestUnion Center we have a tree in
honor of her and so we dostrawberry sprinkled donuts
every year.
And long story with that oneit's.
My sister used to go to schoolat Kings Ridge and we had a
(05:47):
wonderful person who was ourreceptionist and she would
always save ashley a strawberrysprinkled donut.
So that kind of that became herface favorite and I was like
that's her favorite.
So right, kind of continue thattradition.
I love throughout the years.
That's so darling.
I love like I always talk abouther Always.
I've talked to her with clientssometimes.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
And it's just.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
That was one of.
That was one of our questionswas you know, as you've moved
from this 10 year old self tonow you know almost 24, you talk
about her.
How do you get that strength?
A lot of people shy away fromthat and, just you know, even
say I have two siblings ratherthan three.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Yeah, so it really depends on what clients in my
chair Like.
I have some clients that I'vetold a story to and some that I
haven't.
But there is this one and she'sthe sweetest lady ever and she
lost her husband and so I sharedAshley and we had like a very
(06:46):
deep, like God conversation andit was amazing and I remember
talking about Ashley likethrough high school and stuff
like that, and a lot of peoplewould be like I don't get how
you're so good at talking aboutit, Like yeah, just tear me up.
And I'm like I had a lot ofhelp and support.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
A lot of practice.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
The ages of 10, to every day every day.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
I mean, I still get it.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Yes, um, but one of the biggest factors of why I can
smile and talk about her andthis is the organ donation is
that was a huge part of herstory and that's a huge part of
the story I tell about her.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Um, I just think it's amazing yeah, tell us about
that, in case others haven'tlistened to your mom's so my mom
knows all the detail.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
So please go listen to my mom's episode.
Um, I do know, like the onethat's stuck in my brain is um,
she gave her heart to an eightor nine year old girl in Indiana
, wow, which at that time I was10.
Yeah, so we would be around thesame age.
Oh my gosh, it just gives mefull chills.
I know and um, wow, I'veactually been working on trying
(07:54):
to reach out to her and seeinghow how she is and everything
like that, and I know it's justkind of like a little piece of
Ashley still out there.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Yes, absolutely.
Oh my gosh, wouldn't that beamazing?
Yes, I agree that would be socool.
You said there's, so the organdonation is so important part of
the story.
I know you were really involvedin Kate's Club Tell us about
the importance of that.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
Now, kate's Club is one of the biggest impacts of my
life through this story.
When I went to Kate's Club, Ididn't talk to anybody Anybody
who knows me now I'm a verytalkative person.
I didn't, I was a shell andthroughout Camp Good Mornings
(08:43):
and Kate's Club is thisorganization where if you've
lost a sister, brother, a motheror a father or any guardian
that's really really close toyou, you can come this from ages
I want to say the youngestright now and I could be totally
wrong but seven years old to 18year old, and I went from 10.
(09:04):
I can't remember how many yearsthat was that I went, but it
was.
It's very impactful becauseyou're not alone.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
That's the biggest thing, isn't it?
And it's.
Speaker 3 (09:17):
Oh, I can say this, and somebody next to me will
understand me, and nobody thathasn't had this won't think of a
certain way about thisstatement.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
And it's just like having an unspoken um bond
between other people.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Absolutely, oh, I can only imagine and it's amazing
and this is kind of getting intoa different same topic, but
different of course, but it's.
You have your parents there totalk to, but, of course, being a
mom is different than being asibling.
Exactly, y'all have a differentbond.
You have a huge loss, but it'sdifferent than your mom's loss.
(10:00):
It's different than your dad'sloss and it's even different
than your older siblings loss,because y'all were so close.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Exactly, and they were, they weren't there.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
They weren't there.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Yeah, I was the only one that truly saw everything
that happened.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yes, oh, my goodness, so, so hard when you think of
those you know first, how longwould you say before?
Like I don't know for mepersonally, like I say like, oh
gosh, I remember when I kind ofcame out of the cloud, you know,
kind of out of this gray.
Do you remember that, like as achild, where all of a sudden it
(10:36):
was like you were in a newspace where you, you know, you
talked about you being a shell,when all of a sudden you found
your voice again.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I would say would say middle school, like late middle
school, early high schoolreally, because I have dyslexia
and ADHD so I've jumped arounddifferent schools.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Yeah, and I think honestly, like I'm still working
on coming out of the clouds-the question I have for you is
when you say that you were youdidn't talk to anyone A shell,
really you were a shell.
What explain that to me?
Speaker 3 (11:13):
So I was a very talkative little kid.
I would not stop talking, yeah.
But as I was trying to process,like what was going on and
everything, I kind of becamemore to myself and more to the
family and the people like Iknow I can trust, more than
(11:36):
strangers or like other kids orlike a complete extrovert to it
To an introvert, basically.
And then I had to find my wayback to who?
Speaker 1 (11:46):
you really were and it was just.
Was it just time, would you sayyeah?
That did that time and supportProbably a lot of work, though.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
It was definitely a lot of work.
I had a lot of faith work to dotoo, oh gosh, yes.
That I'm still trying to buildmy relationship up with him,
with God and everything, andit's because at that point, when
that happened with Ashley, Ihated him.
Why wouldn't you?
I was like, oh okay, so you'rewonderful and everything, but
(12:16):
you just killed my sister.
Right, I can't, we get it.
Yeah, I can't follow someonethat has.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Yeah exactly, and it does, it shakes you to your core
.
I remember one pastor said tome God can handle your anger,
god can handle your questions.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
And um, that too, though was hard to under, you
know, it was still hard to wrapyour head around all of it and
as a 10 year old I can't imagineyeah, Cause it was just like
Sunday school said that stuff,so I didn't know a lot about him
.
And like starting high schooland now like I've really gotten
into that faith journey andmaking it stronger with me and
kind of understanding, like okay, so this happens for this and
(12:52):
this and this.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So yeah, when you think about those first you know
couple years in school, likefor my daughter, she doesn't
have memory of those first twoyears of school.
How is it?
Is it similar?
Is it different?
Speaker 3 (13:08):
So actually, if you go back and listen to my mom's
podcast she mentioned that I wasI turned myself into a puppy,
yeah, which she came home afterdoing that podcast.
It goes do you remember this?
Speaker 2 (13:18):
And I go?
Speaker 3 (13:19):
no, not at all.
Do you remember it now?
I remember it now that she saidI remember sitting underneath
the teacher's desk.
I remember like being a puppy.
Yeah, I remember it and it'skind of crazy now because I'm
like I kind of may just kind ofclose that those memories into a
box yeah, because I guess forme.
(13:41):
They were too traumatizing toprotecting yourself.
Yeah, yeah, so, yeah.
So I know, when mom said that,I was like, oh, I mean, it does
sound like me, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Well, and I think that just shows just how
shattering an experience oflosing a sibling, losing a child
, is.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Yeah, because she was my best friend, yeah, still is,
but she at that point was Iwould go annoy her and her
friends just to hang out withher.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Like typical, typical little sister.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yes, I love it.
Um, well, one of the thingsthat you know you had said.
So you're a hairdresser.
Um, how do you talk about evenjust with new coworkers, or you
know?
Do you bring it up?
Do you talk about it with umfriends?
You know, as you're, you knowyou're meeting new people that
don't know the story.
Speaker 3 (14:33):
I, that's actually one of my favorite things to do,
um.
So I have a couple co-workersall my co-workers know, all my
bosses know, because I'm veryopen about it like I'll, I'll
let you know um, and I have someco-workers that are like I have
all my co-workers are supersupportive, um, but I have some
that I can go to and just belike hey, I need to sit with you
(14:54):
for a moment, I just need tosomething happen, I just need to
do this, yeah.
And then I have clients, um,that come in and it'll be a
brand new client sitting in mychair and for some reason, it's
just just God led that she justlike I had one that just started
crying and, of course, you knowme, I'm like tell me what's
(15:15):
wrong.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
What's up?
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Because we're not just hairdressers.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
You're safer than a bartender.
We are.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
We're therapists, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
We're like the only people that do like an all
around self check with everyoneand um, and we just sat there
and just had like a big Godmoment and I was kind of
spilling into my nextappointment and I was like, all
right, thank you so much.
And then she rebooked with meand it was like now I see her
every four weeks.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Um, but it was, I feel it out, because there are
some people who just want tocome and relax yeah Right,
that's cool.
And then there's some that needto have a conversation.
There's some that's just like,can we just sit here?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
And I'm like yes, and don't speak, just massage my
head.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
I'm blood drawn my hair again, please.
Yeah, those are the best whenyou think back to those first
couple of years.
What was?
Are there some difficultmoments, like with your mom and
dad, like seeing them go throughthat grieving process, or is
that part of the blur?
Speaker 3 (16:18):
A little bit of both.
So I had my aunt, heidi, mymom's sister.
She, my mom told me that shewas like my best friend at that
time, which now, like re-talkingabout this and thinking about
it more, like I remember it, andI think she's the one that kind
of shielded me and let mom anddad kind of grieve on the side
and like helped me grieve andthat stuff.
(16:38):
But like as I grew up and stuffI mean we just kind of all
grieved together.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:44):
I mean, there's times where I go sit in the living
room and I'm just like I can'tdo this today.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yeah, it's a sad day I can't people today?
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Yeah, I can't be an adult we do that I can't people
today, I'm done.
I used all my energy at work.
Yes, I'm done.
Yeah, I love hearing you saythat.
Yeah, because as moms, we dothat.
Like I just can't do this today, like I can't, I used all my
(17:14):
energy at school today or atwork today or wherever, and it's
just I don't know.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
It's refreshing to hear that that you're taking
that time for yourself, and thatyou gift that, and there's a
lot of times where my uhcoworkers are like oh, we're
going to have this tonight, likedo you want to come with us?
And I'm like, honestly, y'all,I need to go to church.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Like I need to go to church or I need to go home and
be by myself Like I, I just Ineed a minute, yeah, and they're
like, okay, but you are soextroverted.
I mean still just the minuteI've met.
The first time I met you atyour, you know, one of the one
of your mom's meetings, you camein afterwards and took our
picture and you just, you justhave a glow Like you have a
happiness to you and it's, it'samazing to believe how far
you've come, knowing that youwere a puppy under the desk to
(18:01):
now.
It's crazy.
I know it's a lot of work, Iknow it didn't just happen.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Yeah, I had a lot of work between my therapist and my
therapist did tremendous workwith me and I still go see her
once in a while just to give hera little life update.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I'm like, hey, what's up?
Yeah.
I might need you next week, butright now.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I'm good Right now.
I'm good.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
I don't want you to forget about me.
Right, exactly, so what do youcontribute?
Like therapist kate's club?
Is there anything else that youdid for yourself?
Speaker 1 (18:37):
to help or that your family did.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Yeah, um, kate's club was a huge one, um, but also
like really, kate's club and mytherapist yeah, it's really what
Kate's Club and my therapist.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
It's really what I can remember and my parents'
support.
I mean, I was a littlerebellion.
I was a rebellion Rightfully.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
I mean, you have permission yeah, you know and
it's, and I'm sure your mom feltthe same way.
You have permission, but oh,dear Jesus give me give me
something, please, right, yes,so like Kate's Club, did you
voluntarily go there?
How did that?
How did that transpire?
Speaker 3 (19:13):
honestly, I think my mom was like all right, get in
the car, you're going to a camptoday.
And I was like okay, like I wasjust like okay whatever.
I know I'm like I kind of lovecamps and that's yeah and I
guess when the first coupletimes that I went there I was
very like to myself, I grabbedto the adults more than the kids
.
I bet they all, I bet a lot ofkids do.
(19:33):
The director, who is still thedirector there, deborah Brooks
um, I hope I said the name right.
Last name um, she I still gosee her like, because now I
volunteer because, say, don'tyou work.
The last name she I still gosee her Like, because now I
volunteer Because say don't youwork at the camps?
Speaker 2 (19:46):
now sometimes I do.
Speaker 3 (19:47):
Yes, I love that I started going back after like I
got my career down pat and Icould add more things to my
schedule, I was like Kate's Clubneeds to be one of the one top
of the list.
Yeah, because I feel like mywork through my story and
everything is helping otherpeople through it Absolutely.
And I had this one camp and Iwas helping out a kid and then
(20:10):
after hours, when the kids wereasleep, the adults are always up
, we're always up doing themeetings or getting ready for
tomorrow.
Yeah, and I'll share a storywith you.
I had a, um, a male camper.
That was because our camps arelike female, male, like back and
forth and so he was sittingoutside and he he looked sad.
(20:31):
So me, I was like.
I walked up to him.
I was like, hey, is everythingokay?
Like are you good?
yeah, and we sat there and turnsout, his brother died in 2010
and he's just now dealing withit, wow, and I was like it's
just and it was an adultcounselor it was adult, yeah and
it was.
We stayed up till one o'clocktalking, oh my gosh.
And the next morning atbreakfast he came to me.
(20:53):
He goes.
I have to say thank you and Iwas like for what?
Yeah, this is what this wholeplace is about, is healing each
other.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
So, yeah, thank you, but you're good right now it is,
I mean it is.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
God's work?
Speaker 2 (21:10):
mm-hmm, it truly truly is, and even though we're
mad at him a lot of the days, ithe does beautiful things, he
does well and and you'relistening yes, you're allowing
yourself just to be you and notbe afraid of I mean.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Grief is hard to talk about and you know a lot of
people could see him sittingthere and go.
Oh gosh, that's going to be ahard conversation.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
Yeah, let's just leave him to be by himself.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Yeah, he just wants to be by himself, and yet you
asked if you know.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
You walked into the mess.
I don't want the mess about it.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
I did you you ran to the mess and that's what I love
is that I'm running away fromthe mess, yeah I love that when
you think about advice, is thatone of the big pieces or is
there other advice, like interms of going through this
process for other siblings?
Speaker 3 (21:58):
advice that I give the kids at kids club is it's
okay to cry, because that was mybiggest thing.
I didn't want to show weakness,I didn't like I I do I didn't
want to do anything withemotions.
I was so shut like I didn't wantto do anything and, um, I had
this little girl and she waskind of the same way.
And the night we do thisluminary walk where we make bags
(22:20):
of our loved ones and we walkthe last night and it's the
first lap is respectful.
The second lap you can sit downand grieve and you can be out
there all you want.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
And if you need support, then we're here.
If not, if you want to cry withyourself over here, if you want
to go to the gym and play games, you can do that.
Yeah, but it's just the advicethat I would definitely give
kids that are 10 and to even nowis it's okay to feel your
emotions, it's okay to live init, but it's not okay to keep
(22:50):
living in it, to stay there.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
To stay there.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Yeah, because that is not what your loved one wanted.
Ashley did not want me, and mymom and my dad to be.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
oh, she's gone.
No, she wanted us to get offour butts and go.
She's gone.
No, she wanted us to get offour butts and go live our lives.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah 100%.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
And I had a conversation with a little girl
about God and it was kind oflike a just like, why did he
take my mom?
Why did he take my mom?
And I had that conversationwith her and I went outside and
she went to bed and I called mymom and I was like how am?
And I went outside and she wentto bed and I called my mom and
I was like how am I able to dothis?
Yeah like I was sobbing.
Like I was sobbing.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
I was like how am I able to do this?
And she goes you have yourangel right there.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Oh, like you know, I was like and immediately I was
like you're right?
Speaker 2 (23:36):
of course I do, I do.
I'm questioning you too how areyou able to do this, Like, how
are you doing this?
This is so.
I don't know that I could dothat.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
I mean, it's just, it's beautiful.
Yeah, I have such an admiration.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
I grew up in it yes.
I did.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
This is all you know.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Mm-hmm, Really, I love helping people and it's
like that that's your heart.
It's always been my heart.
I've always wanted to helpsomebody in some way.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
And I feel like that came out when I was a little kid
like a tiny little kid too,yeah, and like to now, like I'll
help you with your hair.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
And if you want to talk about your emotions while
we're doing your hair.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
we can do that too, yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
So the advice that you would give 10-year-old you,
13-year-old you, 16, 13 year oldyou, 16 year old you it's all
the same.
Speaker 3 (24:22):
It's all the same, keep pushing yeah it will get
better.
You'll have days where you wantto lay in bed and crawl and
knock it out, but it will getbetter yeah, yeah, it's softer
in some way, like the pain of itall.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Um last, and kind of thinking about ashley again.
Um what, what are ways that youcelebrate Ashley still today,
like, um yeah, we see yourtattoo.
Speaker 3 (24:48):
So, um, for my 18th birthday, I kind of semi gave my
mom an ultimatum.
I was like I'm going to getyour tattoo, cause my mom has
the.
My mom has the original print,so she has.
Um, for those who are listening, it's my sister's name and then
I have a little bird rightabove the y.
(25:08):
Um, the original print has aheart going off of the y and the
xoxo, and that's what my momhas um the story around mine is
I have the exact samehandwriting, but I wanted a bird
because for some reason, um, mydad just started calling Ashley
fat bird and it was like thecutest thing.
She was not like, I don't knowshe was tiny, right she was here
(25:30):
.
Yeah, like she, that's.
That was their nickname foreach other.
So I was like, can I take fatbird?
And she goes.
Yeah, that's fine and so um, somine has that and it's.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I got it when I was 18.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
I got told mom and I was like all right, like I
really really want this, yeah,and I think my mom was thinking
like, okay, I might as well putmy input in this yeah, before
it's gonna happen, I go out anddo it yeah yeah, um, but ours on
the same hand, same place, yeah, um.
So I honor her that way andthen then I always have her on
my mind, always.
(26:03):
She's always in my phone.
She's always when I wake up inthe morning.
There's pictures of her likepictures of us, like I'm a very
big picture person.
She's never hidden in our house.
She's always around when I havea niece and nephew, two
adorable little children adorbsum they know the story yeah
(26:27):
they know who she is.
There's.
We have um got my mom one yearfor some holiday.
It was a picture frame thatchanges pictures, oh yeah one of
those digital ones and, um,she's in it, she's in it.
And one time will was like oh,there's aunt ashley.
And then like started to goback and play and it kind of
took me back.
I was like you're right, thatis Aunt Ashley.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah, like we don't.
Yeah, it's part of life, it'spart of the fabrics.
Speaker 3 (26:50):
She will always be talked about and always be
shared.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
I love that.
I think that's what it ishealing thing that we talk about
them.
They are still present everyday and every month I mean it.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
Just just because you can't see them doesn't mean
they were not whispering in yourear.
No, and there's days where I'mlike all right, I hear you,
ashley stop, I hear you.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Yeah, my son like his bug bites.
I think he just bites me, he'sa mosquito just biting me all
the time.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
We have a symbol of butterflies.
Oh yes, we have butterflies inour backyard and everything.
And I was standing outside acouple days ago and I'm like,
right next to our fence line,like our fence, and the bird
there was a little fat bird thatliterally parked right next to
my head and the moment I movedhe scooted down.
(27:45):
But I was like, all right, Isee you, good morning.
I see you, I love it.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
I said Alec was a mosquito, but he's a brown bird.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
I mean, there's so many, like you said, there's so
many little things.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Butterflies are a huge one.
Yes, there's been so manylittle messages, yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
It's crazy.
If you open your eyes, you willsee them.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
I know I love it.
Well, this has been such ablessing to get to talk to you.
Oh my gosh, thank you, you knowfrom the 10-year-old self, to
this beautiful young woman who'syou know has really found your
voice completely and sharing itin such a beautiful way.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
I've been waiting for y'all to text me and be like.
I know you are coming.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Hey, you were way up there.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
You were top of the list, girl, I mean it is we love
hearing your story, and justyou know and your honesty yes,
you know hard days.
I'm very honest about it.
Speaker 3 (28:45):
There's days that I don't want to do anything.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
No, and.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
I don't, and then the next day I'm like running and
getting all this stuff.
Here we go, here we go.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Like you said, you're talking to us when you have 42
other things you need to do andI get it.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
Yes, yes, yes.
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