October 24, 2023 • 32 mins
Yolo and Natalie share the belief that the best and oftentimes most important work is what comes up in real time, in the moment. In this episode, witness the on set breakdown to breakthrough moment. A behind the scenes look at how to have conflict in dignity and in community.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
This episodeincludes a discussion of sensitive topics
related to mental healthand may be activating for some viewers.
We encourage you to take care of yourself.
For support and resources,visit BEAM.COMMUNITY/GETHELPNOW
This episode is unlike every other episodethis season.
While filming, we had the opportunityto navigate distress in real time.
(00:22):
We invite you behind the scenesand into the process
of healing and repair.
Welcome back. I'm Natalie.
And I'm Yolo.
And this is the BlackHealing Remix podcast.
(music plays)
We’re so excited to be back
but we have a little special...we're doing something different today.
(00:45):
Okay.
You know, a big partof BEAM - one of our common
phrases we say is that we are the workand whatever is in the moment is the work.
And so this episode, we want to use
a real life situation is happeningon the happen on our cast.
on our set
as an opportunity to kind of talk about the workand talk about the moment.
And so we're going, that's, that'swhat this episode is going to be about.
(01:08):
Do you have anything you wanna add to that, Natalie?
Yeah,I mean, I think, you know, the reality is,
is we play on a lot of thingsand then life happens.
And so how do we navigatethe life happening?
And I think it's a perfect opportunityto practice what our beliefs are
and to model it,
to demonstrate it right, and to fumbleand recover...to fumble and recover.
And that's reallywhat practice is actually about.
Because it's always a lessonin the failure
(01:30):
Hundred percent.And that's where the growth happens.
If you're not failing, you're not growing. Absolutely.
And I feel like this episodehopefully will be a fruitful conversation
for you as you are growing, failing,fumbling, succeeding, winning,
and just figuring out how to navigateyour own emotions and experiences.
Essentially what happened isI was in conversation with Natalie.
Cameras were rollingand I felt my energy shift.
(01:52):
Baby I looked over and I said, Thebattery is dying, the battery has died.
And I think in addition to the shifting
I had in my heada certain vision of where we're going,
and it just seemed likewe were going somewhere else.
And so I was a little disappointedon top of being kind of my battery low
and then we cut the camerasand then really people came into
the crew came in very thoughtfullytrying to be supportive.
(02:14):
But in that moment
I communicated that, hey, I just need foodand I need a break.
And I think people were offering me,you know, a lot more framing about like,
this is how podcast workand this is, you know, it's okay to be
that you're, that you're confusedabout where to go.
And a lot of that for me in the moment,felt like I was being mansplained to
or gaslit in terms ofjust being honored, in terms of like, Hey,
(02:35):
you need a break.
You feel like confused.Take a break. Come back.
And so for me, that's the trigger for meactivated me because I'm getting
frustrated because I'm just like, hey,I just actually need a break.
And to reorient and need food.
And I think people are thoughtfullyand carefully in a caring way, coming back
and trying to offer mesolutions that aren't really about
that are more about fixing the situationmore than like
(02:55):
actually I just said what I needand I need to get that.
And so I think that, like what happenedin that moment was, you know,
a teachable momentfor me because I felt my frustration.
And I'm sure it also created a feelingsome experienced people on the set
as well.
And then when we came backafter I had some talking with Natalie,
had time to processand I got some food
(03:16):
we had to talk about it
came back because for meit was really important.
I just didn’t want to come back to the spaceand then we not talk about, Hey,
what has happened?
And then I share.
This is what I experienced.
And that led to a broader conversation.
YOLO (03:29):
So... And what I love about you
really is that, you know, sometimeswe're in opposition about this, right?
I am very strategic.
I'd be like, what do I want to say and whenand what's that going to create?
And Yolo’s like I need to say the thing
I need to say the thing right now,because if I can’t say the thing
it ain't going to beI ain't gonna be able to move on.
And I'd be like, okay,
(03:49):
because I, I've existed in this blackwoman body and I'd be like
Honey, I got to be strategic.
And so I love that
we got to process that too,that some of that is gendered, right?
About what we get to sayand when we get to say it.
And what I love aboutyou like having the bravery right
to honor yourself in a momentwhere we're working
with people who are wonderful,but we don't know well.
Right?
(04:10):
Is that you stood in that
right and didn't ask for anythingbut wanted to share the experience.
Right.
And what I love is Teyaewho is supporting us with sound
said, You know,I don't know if I should apologize.
I'm not exactly sure what to do.
And what I love about thatis that that's the work, right?
(04:33):
The bravery in the moment to say, I don'tknow what I'm supposed to do with this.
And then there's an
opportunity to kind of unpack itand really name it and talk about it.
And it's it's all the layers, right?
That that's reallywhat healing justice is.
That really is what our work is, isit's all the layers all at the same time
and having the capacityto manage ourselves and be loving
(04:55):
and kind to each other while we processall the wild things that happened in life.
And so that's what you'll get to hear.
And there it is.
The next section of this episode includesa segment of the regular
recordingthat immediately preceded the incident,
which is, I think, you know, the perfect
introduction of the sacred pause, right?
(05:17):
Which is a tool and a practice
we use in all of our trainingand all of our work at BEAM.
It is the opportunity to pause,to get grounded, to
come back to your self a little bit,
recognizing that so many of us,we go from meeting to meeting.
to meeting, we have 10 millionthings we're responsible for in a day,
but how do we decompress?
How do we find center?
(05:38):
How do we speak from our heart, not justfrom our intellect or from our anxiety?
And so I'd loveif you would like kind of share and talk
about what even a sacred pause isand how do we do that?
Yeah.
Can we pause for a minute?
Pause?
How's the feeling?
I feel fine. You don't?
Yeah, I feel like we're...
(05:59):
I feel like the pause breakI don’t know, I feel like we're missing something.
Something feels off.
NATALIE (06:03):
Well, also, we can bring it in wherever.
What do you want to be here?
I don't feel like the breath is here now.
I feel like we need to go to the Black MentalHealth piece, because I'm also
I'm also worriedwe went too far in the weeds
in the beginning NATALIE: It's all editable as I had be.
But I do, did you feel that now.
I trust that they're going to cut the right things down.
I would rather have more than less YOLO
(06:25):
Make sure we don't look crazyNATALIE: Just have more than less bother to work with.
Okay, that makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, because that was likefeel like I was like I'm
I feel like going into breathing practice.
I was like, that feels weird for me now
because I feel like we haven't gonedeep enough to go to the...
Does that mak sense?
Well, I think more depth will comeand it can be inserted
wherever, but also likeyou can't have deep first thing
because also we're not trying to bedeep first
(06:47):
right right...no, I'm with you.
I just don'tI just didn't feel it didn't sink.
I didn't sink for me,that's why I had to pause.
I don't think I can so go into the breathingpause right now
It didn’t feel right. Okay. Tell me where you want to go and let's go.
(Off camera) Question.
(Off camera) We want to...
(Off camera) Do we want to pause? Like stop for a second?
(Off camera) Or we feel good that getting to it now?
I think we can continue getting to it now.
(07:08):
Yeah, you just have to drive.
To drive?
because I don't know where you want to go
but I'm down.
You down?
Okay.
(Off camera) If you need a moment
(Off camera) and then take a moment.
(Off camera) There's no pressure
(Off camera) or just going,you know, you change...
(Off camera) I wanted to say before we get that,let’s discuss this, you know?
(07:30):
Okay. now, now, enough of that.
(Off camera) Now, now, enough of that.
Okay.
Okay, I'll do that.
I will do that. Thank you for that.
Okay, so...
Okay
Before we get into that part, Natalie
I really want to talk about blackmental health.
I want to talk about howwe're in this now, this political moment
where everybody's talking about therapyand wellness and healing and
(07:54):
and realizing that we ain't always beenthere as folks.
Some of us still ain’t therenot across the entire community.
Right. Right.
And I want to hold that like there'sa beauty and power and what's happening.
But it's also kind of funkiness with it
like and the beauty and poweris that like now we're having this moment,
we have conversations around traumaand healing and people
are realizing things about themselves.
(08:15):
And then the funkinessis I'm starting to see the ways
in which people are using mental healthto shame people.
Girl, you just need to heal
I’m starting to see the ways
in which people are not recognizingthat access to care is really difficult
for most of us. And difficult to navigate.
Even if you have access,
even if you have medical insuranceand you have all the things lined up
now, it requires bravery and tenacityto continue to like
(08:40):
navigate our medical industrial complex,which is not user friendly.
YOLO (08:44):
No, it's not. This ain’t, you know what I mean?
Like it is challenging to be like, okay,how do I find a therapist?
I remember calling my, you know, my doctor
and being like, Hey,I want to get a therapist.
And they were like, okay, well,what symptoms do you have?
And I was like,First of all, who are like, what?
And then they basically say,
I said, I want to make surethat the person is black.
(09:05):
And they said, Well,we don't screen for race.
We don't ask them what race they are.
And I was like, Well,how do I know they know what they talk...
You know, I was like,That ain't going to work for me.
Like, I need to know some specificsbefore I come and divulge
what's happening in my life. Right.
And I think that's truefor so many people. Absolutely.
You know, I often say that,like it's important when you
when you're building a relationshipwith a therapist like you recognize it.
(09:27):
Like just like every barberwho got a license can't cut your hair.
And every stylistwho got a license can't style your hair.
Everybody who got a license, a therapistdoesn't mean eliminates a match for you.
That's like the moment when you do, too.
Like this one I showed them.And then this will happen, right?
And you, like it went left so fastand it's like...
And so.
But you have to know how to navigatethat, right?
That if you're in emotional distressand you're seeking help,
(09:50):
you may not have the clarity of mindto be like, Hey, so I want to make sure
that, you know, like
everybody doesn't know how to do thatand doesn't feel the agency to do that.
And so how can we build systems that makesense for the people who are using them?
Absolutely. It makes sense.
I love this piece.
Another piece I think is really importantto is holding this piece that often
people talk about, you know, black folksdon't talk about mental health
(10:10):
or have not talked about mental healthhistorically. Right.
Not true. Right.
And I feel like that's such a racist idea.
The ideathat, like we talk about mental health
all the time, we have our own languagefor it. Absolutely.
I think I grew up here.
People say, she in a mood or,you know, so-and-so was touched
or so-and-so has got the blues.
There was language,but it wasn't the same language.
You weren't going around saying like,is that clinical depression?
(10:30):
And that's also becauseof the history of psychiatry, right?
In the waysin which our folks were treated
when institutionalized,not supportive, unkind,
unfriendly and frankly,just unhelpful. Right.
And so like people wanting to distancethemselves from that kind of clinical
naming and shaming, frankly, to be ableto just be like, how do we navigate this?
(10:51):
And how do we just say like, yeah,you know, I'm going through it, right?
We have all these catchphrasesin our community
to describe the emotional distressthat we're under
because the systemsthat we're a part of demonize us
and stigmatize uswhen we acknowledge like,
yeah, I don't feel like something'sright. Right? Something feels wrong.
And now we got to be shamed
and like paperworkand all of these different things.
(11:14):
And I just don't thinkthat's the way it has to be.
Yeah, that's not safe.
I think that's the piece of the pieceto talk about, too.
Like, even as we talk about,
we have to hold that,even as we're talking about
getting people to get in the care
that so many of the dominant systemsare not safe for them. Right.
They're like, we know that black folks who areexperiencing mental health distress
like are more likelyto get killed by the police.
We know that like,
I'm not listened to and supportedwhen they go to get medical care.
(11:36):
Right. Or like when we go to get medical care. Right.
And so holding all those piecesis a part of the remix, right?
We can't just pretend like, everybody go to
therapy is like, that's not real life.
Like, let's talk about real lifeand the real struggles
and also understand therapyas an intervention for everybody, right?
Like there are a lot of other strategiesand tools that are really helpful.
Like I think about tapping, which,you know, emotional freedom technique,
which has been proven effectiveto work with veterans.
(11:57):
A lot of like elders and folks love it.
Like, you know, as a strategy, to manage anxietyAbsolutely.
I’m thinking about yoga
I'm thinking about Reiki,I'm thinking about church.
I think about all these things that aredifferent things in our tool belts
that can be helpful,
that often are dismissedor denied as really valid strategies
for healing aloneness.And recognizing that,
you know, I think sometimes we thinklike we can only do one thing, right.
(12:17):
And I think about likemy first experiences in college were yoga
And low key...
I really only took it because allthe basketball players were taking yoga.
And so I was like, Well,I'm going to do it too, right?
And then I was like,You say 8:00 on a Friday.
I don't think I can followthrough with this.
And also I learned that I got weak wristsand so I was like, This is painful to me.
I don't actually enjoy this.
And so while there aresome optics that I did enjoy,
(12:39):
the wrist was weak and I was like
yoga is not, maybe is probably not for me.
Right?
And so being willing to try differentthings to find what is my thing, right.
And I think in our community trying andfailure has higher risk in our community.
And so sometimes people are hesitantto try different kinds of things
because if you keep trying,some people are like,
(12:59):
you can never find the right thing.
You always do something different.
And it's like, Yeah, until I findthe right thing that feels good for me.
Yeah, tell me, tell me.
I have no idea where were going
That’s why I was trying to take a secret pause
So I'd love to now like share a little bit
(13:20):
about how some of the practicesthat we utilize right.
That we find helpful that are empoweringto us and that other folks can try on.
Right.
I know Yolo,you're offering a specific kind
of technique that you utilizeand that is helpful for you.
And I'd loveif you would like share that with us.
Yeah.
So one practice that I thinkis really helpful that is very
(13:41):
simple is called box breathing, right?
And so if you imagine a square or a box
and you imagine has four sides,the technique is really simple.
What it is is that you take a deep inhalethrough your nose, filling your belly
full for 4 seconds,then you hold that for 4 seconds,
then you release slowly for 4 seconds,and then you repeat.
(14:03):
And so canwe just talk about this for a minute?
Because when I do this,I feel like I'm going to die.
It'll be like 4 secondshold, and I'll be like, is it 4 seconds?
You know, be like the longest 4seconds of your life when you gotta hold your breath.
And it's like we've definitely heldour breath for a longer than 4 seconds.
But also that's like part of the anxiety,right?
Is like that's part of
the surrender is being with your bodyand like really integrating.
(14:25):
And so like for the folkswho might be trying this
for the first time,it might feel uncomfortable, right?
Just like the first time we did anything,it probably was not like the most stellar
moment of our lives.
But I think there's some beauty injust trying things and seeing if it fits.
And that's why our practices are complaintbased, right?
(14:45):
Because maybe today you like
Nat, that ain’t for me, girl. That ain’t it. And other days you might totally be like,
I remember this tool.
Maybe this is a good thingfor me to utilize.
So let's try it todayand see if today is the day now.
I’m crashing.
You’re crashing...yeah.
(Off camera) I was about to say...
I feel like I'm like I’m lost.You need sugar? What do you need?
(15:07):
I think I need food.
but I'm also like a little...I think we need to restructure.
I'm a little lost.I don't know where I'm going.
And I think that I think it's goodwe're having a conversation,
but I'm just like a little like,
Wait, where am I? I'm confused.What do you need to help...?
(Off camera) We can cut....
So I think what I need is some foodbecause it's definitely mylunch time.
It's like 1:00, 2:00I feel it in my body, right? Yes.
(15:28):
And thenI think we need I think I need to know...
(Off camera) Sound cut.
It's okay. It's okay. Yeah.
When we returned to set priorto fully shooting, again,
we captured some of the behindthe scenes conversation.
We want to share that with you
as opposed to fix itand actually tell someone
why this is this, this, thiswhich is actually not helpful to people
(15:50):
who are having a moment where they mightbe activated or just exhausted.
So I want to share that because I justwant to make sure I clear about that.
Like, it was very frustrating for me
because I was like, Whoa,I am really having a moment.
I mean, I'm my energy is already low.I'm like, already confused.
And then I feel like I'm getting things
that are not helpfulwhen I've said what I need, you know?
So that's I want to say that and name that.
(16:11):
No ill will towards anyone.
appreciating everyonebecause like once again,
I recognize everyone'scoming from this place of
I'm trying to help.
But I'm asking in the future they're like,you know, with all of us,
there are moments when we just like,we need to pause or we need to
refuel something
Let them have that . We don't have to go to try to rationalizing our social
Or trying to fix it for them.
Let them had that feelingand go to what they need to do.
(16:32):
That makes sense.
And I just want to share that.
Not that the intention of y’all...Like to like...
You know, I'm not trying to shameanybody or anything.
Like we all clearly showed up in my momentright.
But I just want to name itbecause I don't think I'm that a person
who likes likesit time, like something didn't happen.
Something did happen in this space
(16:54):
(Off camera) Everybody good?
(Off camera) Everybody's still wanna be here?
NATALIE (16:58):
What did you say?
He said, Everybody still want to be?
They be like, Nah, I'm good. Yolo doing a lot.
He has a lot to say. He’s already doing a lot. It’s the MOST.
(Off camera) No, no, no.
(Off camera) We understand and appreciate that.
And I think that's a piece of me, too.
Like, it's like
recognizing and holding that like,when all of us
(17:18):
are in these moments, we all havethese moments of tension, of distress.
We all are trying to respond in the waywe know how to respond to support people,
and that some of our strategies aredifferent.
Are not as refinedas some other really developed,
some of them thoughtful.Whatever. They’re what we know.
Right.
And I think that like in that in those
in that moment, for me, it was just like,okay wait...
I actuall, the part I could have done differently
(17:40):
Was I could have just said,I need a break.
I need to actually step out.
I actually don't need
these other things that you allare offering graciously and thoughtfully.
But it's not actually what I need andit's actually making me more disregulated.
And what I think is like,this is what happens
in the midst of things, right?
Is like we don't have full clarity.
We don't have capacityto be perfectly eloquent.
(18:04):
Right, Right.
And articulate something absolutely. Like, those are ideals.
That's not the norm ofhow life happens.
And I think we punish each otherwhen the norm doesn't happen.
Instead of going,that's life and let's keep rocking.
Yeah. And let's keep rocking, but let’s also keep learning.
Yes. Right.
So, like, you know, I think about...Not keep rocking and ignore what happens.
Keep knocking and rocking and learningand growing.
(18:25):
And giving each other grace.
Yeah,
because I think about like there'sso many times
in which I've shown up in spaces
and communities
where I could have shown upand did something different,
but I didn't knowhow to do something different.
And it happens a million times a day.
And I think that's like the pieceabout the real practice, right?
But it also is a piece about like,you know, in that moment it's like,
am I listening to understandor am I listening to fix it?
Because if I'm listening to fix it,then I'm sometimes going
(18:47):
past the feeling, and sometimesthe feeling is actually the fixing it.
The feeling is just like,you feel that way. Okay, bet.
Tell me about that feeling.
As opposed to like the fixing it,
which is sometimes we go to I'mgoing to talk you out of your feeling
or rationalize you as why you're feelingan emotion is not legit
and like our our is not sound.
And that actually is the gaslightingin many ways, right?
(19:08):
And so often..but it's commonbecause we're taught to do that.
It's positive psychologyourselves out of our emotions.
And when you think about the historyof our community...
Right? This is a strategy.
To survive...is we ain't got time to be in our feel...
Think about our grandparentsand our mamas.
I was raised by a single mom.
(19:28):
She didn't have time
for all of my emotional distressevery single day as I was aging
because she had to pay this light billand we had to get in the car by 7:50.
And if we didn't,
I was going to be late to schooland she was going to be late to work.
And then these white folks
was going to be talking to her wild.
That was the reality of our paradigm.
Right.
(19:49):
And so I just think about like,you know, when I can talk to my mom
now and be like, yo, the ways in whichyou were so like, have to be at school,
have to do this, have to do this, like,where was the fun in my childhood?
And she looks back and she's like, Yeah...
I was doing the best that I could.
And I and I can see that, right?
I can see it in the details.
(20:10):
She was trying to set me upfor whatever success I wanted to have
without knowing what I could even become.
Right, because the world would bedifferent by the time I would be an adult.
And it's a world she wasn't necessarilygoing to be a part of in the same way.
Yeah, I love that piece.
You said about setting up for success,
because I think there'sa inter-generational piece to that, right?
So I think about like,same thing in my family.
(20:32):
Like, you know, I often talk aboutI love my family and like I remember
my mid twenties really getting my family,coming home to my mom and dad
and hugging themand that being so uncomfortable
because they were like,we're just not we're not touchy people.
The back get rigid. They like, Ohhh!
Why you huggin’ people? You touchin’ people.
Like that was not somethingthey grew up having.
Right.
And and sometimes our family's ideaof setting us up for success is
(20:53):
let me teach youthat your feelings aren't valuable.
Let me teach youthat your feelings need to be minimized.
Let me teach you to deny your feelings,because that's
the coping strategythat I've had and was passed down to me
to survive this environment.
And because when we keep it a buck,when you go out into White world
(21:13):
don't nobody careabout how you feel.
They care aboutdid you do your job or you didn't.
Yes. And the piece is it's the both, and.
It's like we aren't taught thatlike cultivate a space in your home
It's like we aren't taught thatlike cultivate a space in your home
in your family, in your friends somewhere
where you have safety
where you, where, emotional state...to where it's okay to have your feeling
that it's not there's not good or badfeelings...are only...
(21:35):
feelings are information.
Where we're not “shoulding” on our feelingsso wherever we should, we shame, right?
But like,that's not what we've been taught
because our folks don't have the tools,sometimes in the resources.
So the feeling, so the teaching was formy moms and dads, from parents
talk yourselfout of it, deny it, repress it,
and then we think about
so you can get back to what you need to do.
And then when we think about whythere's so much mental health
(21:57):
distress in our communities,because we have generations of people
denying and talking themselvesand minimizing
and gaslightingthemselves out their feelings.
So now, as opposed to people being like,I'm angry, you're like,
Well, why are you angry? You shouldn'tbe angry because blah, blah, blah.
It’s like, Wait a second, hold on, I'm angry.
Let me have my anger.
I have a right to be angry.I have a right to be sad.
Like the sadness is not wrong.
(22:18):
Sadness is information.
It is something that I need to learnor grow from.
But that's counter to what we learn.
And it is counter to the culture.
In many ways.
But like our folksdid not have the opportunities
that spaciousness that we now can swim in.
They did not have this.
And so they're teaching usonly what they knew.
(22:39):
And that the challengethat we always have to our elders is and I
now live in a world that you don'tfully participate in.
And so I express differentlythan you might because I have more space to.
And opportunityand privilege to do as well.
That like we live in a different world
where I don't haveto suffocate my emotions in the same way
(23:01):
to survive and navigate.
I have other opportunities available to meand, you know, like
and I think it's also importantto that even our
our imagining of history that we recognize
that there were black folks who are elderswho also made those same spaces,
who made those spaces to heal, you know,even though they may common norm may be,
you know, repress, deny, it is what it is,as opposed to, you know, I feel grief.
(23:23):
And because in every family,there's always one maverick
who's like, No, I ain’t doing that.
What y’all on, I ain’t finna to do that and everybody, we say they weirdos.
Oh that's my aunt so and so,you know, she a little...
We do that to the person who's sayingthis space is too rigid for me.
I need more space.
We sometimes ostracize them.
And I think about like,you know, my dad one time saying,
(23:46):
you think you know everything now, right?
And I was like,No, I don't think I know everything
but the things I know, baby,I know, right?
And like, and, and that shamethat then comes back in the community
when someone now has decided I want more,I want something different.
I want.
You know what I mean? It's the same thing
when you go to a cookoutand you're like, I'm a vegetarian.
(24:07):
Everybody's like, What?
And it's like, I'm trying to do somethingelse.
Like, dang, like, can you just get thevegan hot dogs and like, can we move on?
Like, why does it have to be a thing?
But it has to be a thingif we don't have other things in common.
Yes, there's multiple piecesI want to pull out there.
Like so the piece about the shame,
recognizing that when we have this conversation about mental health
(24:28):
and intergenerational mental health,that that will often
bring to elders, peoplewe love and our family, our partners,
sometimes insights that make them aware
of themselves, that elicit shamein them.
Absolutely.
So I would go back to youryour uncle or your father and say like,
hey, when you did this, thisactually was hurtful to me and...
(24:49):
And in the and the reactionthat a lot of folks have is often shame.
And I want to make a distinction
between shame and responsibilityor shame and guilt.
Is that shame says I am a bad person
versus responsibility,saying I did a bad thing. Right?
And often in our culture we are taught
like I think about the poet June Jordan,where she says,
We are taughtthat wrong is our name as black folks,
(25:09):
our elders have been taughtthat wrong is their name.
And so whenever someone comes to youand gives you that feedback, you mean
they think I'm a bad person as opposed toI learned something that was not helpful.
I did something that was harmful.
I can make a different choice, right?
And so I think it's important
that when we talk aboutintergenerational conversations,
when we're having conversations aboutelders
or just our folks in communities who aren't as resourced as us, like,
(25:31):
who may not be, this ain’t they jam
they ain’t in this all the time
that we understand
we come in with compassionbeing like seeing
that we were those peoplewe were at that point to, right.
I can't, I can't say, I can say now 20 plus years
doing public health and mental health workwhere I'm at now.
But 20 years ago I was out heredoing the same dumb like...
like I can look back on choicesI made, which were reflective
(25:53):
of what my parents taught me,who just passing down what they knew.
And nowI can have different strategies and tools
which have been intentionally held backfrom black people.
Right?
Strategies and tools that have beenintentionally held back from us
frameworks that we were not giving access to.
And so now we have the privilegeto be able to hold that.
But I can also see to have the grace,because when I see somebody showing up
(26:16):
in a way that people feel like,I can't believe they're acting like that,
I see myself.
And I think it's also such an opportunityto have curiosity
that like when I'm, when I am activated,
I'm immediatelylike, what's happening for me?
Like, what is this eliciting
such that I'm havingthis emotional response?
(26:37):
And I think we'vebeen shamed out of curiosity.
Curiosity is dangerous.
And so that's the first placeI want to go.
I want to first go to Curiosity.
What's what's and what's being awakenedin me and why? What's the opportunity here?
And then we think aboutwe've been shamed out of curiosity.
We've been beaten out of curiosity.
(26:57):
like so much of we think aboutintergenerationally, what black folks,
what we've had our our forefathers,our grandparents had to do.
It was or chose to do to protectus, was like I got to beat the curiosity
out of you because the white worldwill kill you for your curious. Yes.
Like iterally, literally kill you.
And so now we have generationswhere we're in many ways
(27:19):
that still is still very true,but shifted in some contexts.
But the behavior is still global.
As if we don't have opportunity
to be curious in some places,and that psychic knowing of like that,
many of us didn't make it...because we were curious..
That's embedded in our DNA,that protection of don't
do too muchbecause you know, it ain't actually safe.
(27:41):
Right.
And whether we contendwith that each day or not,
I think depends on the amount of privilege we hold.
Right. I think about that...
I think about my safety as a womanexisting in a female body. Right.
Like I think about physical safety all thetime, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I sleep with my bedroom door lockedin my own house because I go, Well, but
(28:06):
let me have all the
barriers so nobody can say, Well,why didn't you...?
Right?
Because we know that when women
experience violence in the world,people ask them, Well, why didn't you?
X, Y, Z.
And so as a black woman, as a queer woman,as a right, I have all my markers.
I go, Well, did I do everything?So that when something bad happens,
(28:29):
I can say, No, I did everything.
It's not because it was my faultthis time.
And that's the subtextto many of our experiences,
is we're trying to put up these parameters
so that we know we checked all the boxesto say that it equals the right thing.
So we should have good mental healthbecause I did all the things.
And then when it's still all the thingsain’t showing up
(28:52):
because we might be experiencingmental illness that might be ongoing,
right, then we're in even more distressbecause we're like,
I did the things, I went to the yoga,I did this, I went to the therapist.
How come I'm still not well?
And it's like,because, well, ain't a landing point.
It ain't a destination.
It's a thingyou're going to constantly interact with.
(29:14):
(music plays).
So reflecting back on that,
an affirmation for me in this moment,
because I'd like to close the spacewith an affirmation
that maybe I have multiple affirmations.
Okay?Honey, you can have all the ones you want.
The first affirmation I have is
(29:38):
I know that
I come from communitieswhere or environments where
I internalize that I should never feel angry
that it's not okay to be emote emotive.
And I think some of that came from meseeing people be emotive and me experience
(29:58):
the ways they were emotive and made mefeel even my own feelings about that.
But I'm trying to honor that.
My, my anger, my frustration is validand okay, it's okay not to be people
pleasing in an appeasement modeall the time.
And so I think that's a big lesson for me.
And it's also I think other affirmationfor me is also honoring that,
you know,
(30:20):
that our
folks care, our folks show up for usand in care
and with the with what they knowhow to show up and care with.
Right.
And that it's not it's not coming froma place of like, you know, of ill intent.
It's just like, no, I'm trying to help.
And sometimes we don't know what the thingthe help is most useful.
I think you said about what Teyae said, like,I don't know.
And that's one of the most powerful things
(30:40):
you can saywhen it comes to mental health
and healing work, I don't know
Because now there's possibility.Now there’s possibility and there's honesty
as opposed to like, you know, scrambling,which is really easy.
And we’re encouraged to do because webecause I feel we live in a culture
tells us that you suppose to knowwhat's happening.
Suppose to know how to fix it. Honey, we just don't know everything.
We don't. We ain't gon...
Praise God.This ain't Ask Jeeves.
We don't know everything. We don't know.
(31:00):
Ask Jeeves, is that sill around?
I don't know.
But I've heard...
That’s a very random reference that you just...
You know, this brain of mine
it’ll take you places.
So for you,
you know, being a part of this as well,what was
what is an affirmationthat you are taking away for it?
I think I'm taking away
and like standing with that
(31:26):
that I come from a worldwhere I have to have the answer.
That I have to know what to do.
I have to know how to delegate.
And sometimes it is...doing this.
And going we gon’ figure it outand not having to have the answer.
And I think that is the beautyand the liberation in the moment.
So that's what I'm taking away.
(31:47):
Thanks for joining us.
We're just delighted to be able to do thiswork.
I'll speak for myself,but I know this is true for you too.
I'm delighted to do this work, to bein conversation, to talk about the hard,
messy, sticky stuff because it makes usa richer, fuller and more beautiful.
And so wherever you are,we just are sending
(32:08):
you love and peace
and safetyand all the things that you might need.
Want to encourage youto think of your own affirmation
and to let you knowthat we are rooting for you, we see you
and we can't wait to be back with you.
All right.
(music plays)
(32:35):
It’s your girl Natalie back at it again with anothertip, another way to resource yourself,
Something I really love are carddecks, right?
You can find themreally all over the place,
but you can find onethat speaks to your heart.
I know everybody is not a tarot bey,but you might be an affirmation bey
and reallyaffirmations can be for everybody
because it's just wordsthat speak to our heart a little bit.
(32:56):
I love to do thisfirst thing in the morning, right?
You can find a deck that speaks to youand maybe shuffle a little bit,
maybe put some energy on it. Right.
And just pull a card.
This one says I'm exactlywhere I am supposed to be.
It's an opportunity to talk with yourself,to take a pause, to remember
that you're greaterthan your circumstances. Right?
You might be navigating some hard thingsand some kind words often help us.
(33:20):
And so maybe a deck is a thingyou want to try out this week.
This episodeincludes a discussion of sensitive topics
related to mental healthand may be activating for some viewers.
We encourage you to take care of yourself.
For support and resources,visit BEAM.COMMUNITY/GETHELPNOW
This episode is unlike every other episodethis season.
While filming, we had the opportunityto navigate distress in real time.
(00:22):
We invite you behind the scenesand into the process
of healing and repair.
Welcome back. I'm Natalie.
And I'm Yolo.
And this is the BlackHealing Remix podcast.
(music plays)
We’re so excited to be back
but we have a little special...we're doing something different today.
(00:45):
Okay.
You know, a big partof BEAM - one of our common
phrases we say is that we are the workand whatever is in the moment is the work.
And so this episode, we want to use
a real life situation is happeningon the happen on our cast.
on our set
as an opportunity to kind of talk about the workand talk about the moment.
And so we're going, that's, that'swhat this episode is going to be about.
(01:08):
Do you have anything you wanna add to that, Natalie?
Yeah,I mean, I think, you know, the reality is,
is we play on a lot of thingsand then life happens.
And so how do we navigatethe life happening?
And I think it's a perfect opportunityto practice what our beliefs are
and to model it,
to demonstrate it right, and to fumbleand recover...to fumble and recover.
And that's reallywhat practice is actually about.
Because it's always a lessonin the failure
(01:30):
Hundred percent.And that's where the growth happens.
If you're not failing, you're not growing. Absolutely.
And I feel like this episodehopefully will be a fruitful conversation
for you as you are growing, failing,fumbling, succeeding, winning,
and just figuring out how to navigateyour own emotions and experiences.
Essentially what happened isI was in conversation with Natalie.
Cameras were rollingand I felt my energy shift.
(01:52):
Baby I looked over and I said, Thebattery is dying, the battery has died.
And I think in addition to the shifting
I had in my heada certain vision of where we're going,
and it just seemed likewe were going somewhere else.
And so I was a little disappointedon top of being kind of my battery low
and then we cut the camerasand then really people came into
the crew came in very thoughtfullytrying to be supportive.
(02:14):
But in that moment
I communicated that, hey, I just need foodand I need a break.
And I think people were offering me,you know, a lot more framing about like,
this is how podcast workand this is, you know, it's okay to be
that you're, that you're confusedabout where to go.
And a lot of that for me in the moment,felt like I was being mansplained to
or gaslit in terms ofjust being honored, in terms of like, Hey,
(02:35):
you need a break.
You feel like confused.Take a break. Come back.
And so for me, that's the trigger for meactivated me because I'm getting
frustrated because I'm just like, hey,I just actually need a break.
And to reorient and need food.
And I think people are thoughtfullyand carefully in a caring way, coming back
and trying to offer mesolutions that aren't really about
that are more about fixing the situationmore than like
(02:55):
actually I just said what I needand I need to get that.
And so I think that, like what happenedin that moment was, you know,
a teachable momentfor me because I felt my frustration.
And I'm sure it also created a feelingsome experienced people on the set
as well.
And then when we came backafter I had some talking with Natalie,
had time to processand I got some food
(03:16):
we had to talk about it
came back because for meit was really important.
I just didn’t want to come back to the spaceand then we not talk about, Hey,
what has happened?
And then I share.
This is what I experienced.
And that led to a broader conversation.
YOLO (03:29):
So... And what I love about you
really is that, you know, sometimeswe're in opposition about this, right?
I am very strategic.
I'd be like, what do I want to say and whenand what's that going to create?
And Yolo’s like I need to say the thing
I need to say the thing right now,because if I can’t say the thing
it ain't going to beI ain't gonna be able to move on.
And I'd be like, okay,
(03:49):
because I, I've existed in this blackwoman body and I'd be like
Honey, I got to be strategic.
And so I love that
we got to process that too,that some of that is gendered, right?
About what we get to sayand when we get to say it.
And what I love aboutyou like having the bravery right
to honor yourself in a momentwhere we're working
with people who are wonderful,but we don't know well.
Right?
(04:10):
Is that you stood in that
right and didn't ask for anythingbut wanted to share the experience.
Right.
And what I love is Teyaewho is supporting us with sound
said, You know,I don't know if I should apologize.
I'm not exactly sure what to do.
And what I love about thatis that that's the work, right?
(04:33):
The bravery in the moment to say, I don'tknow what I'm supposed to do with this.
And then there's an
opportunity to kind of unpack itand really name it and talk about it.
And it's it's all the layers, right?
That that's reallywhat healing justice is.
That really is what our work is, isit's all the layers all at the same time
and having the capacityto manage ourselves and be loving
(04:55):
and kind to each other while we processall the wild things that happened in life.
And so that's what you'll get to hear.
And there it is.
The next section of this episode includesa segment of the regular
recordingthat immediately preceded the incident,
which is, I think, you know, the perfect
introduction of the sacred pause, right?
(05:17):
Which is a tool and a practice
we use in all of our trainingand all of our work at BEAM.
It is the opportunity to pause,to get grounded, to
come back to your self a little bit,
recognizing that so many of us,we go from meeting to meeting.
to meeting, we have 10 millionthings we're responsible for in a day,
but how do we decompress?
How do we find center?
(05:38):
How do we speak from our heart, not justfrom our intellect or from our anxiety?
And so I'd loveif you would like kind of share and talk
about what even a sacred pause isand how do we do that?
Yeah.
Can we pause for a minute?
Pause?
How's the feeling?
I feel fine. You don't?
Yeah, I feel like we're...
(05:59):
I feel like the pause breakI don’t know, I feel like we're missing something.
Something feels off.
NATALIE (06:03):
Well, also, we can bring it in wherever.
What do you want to be here?
I don't feel like the breath is here now.
I feel like we need to go to the Black MentalHealth piece, because I'm also
I'm also worriedwe went too far in the weeds
in the beginning NATALIE: It's all editable as I had be.
But I do, did you feel that now.
I trust that they're going to cut the right things down.
I would rather have more than less YOLO
(06:25):
Make sure we don't look crazyNATALIE: Just have more than less bother to work with.
Okay, that makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, because that was likefeel like I was like I'm
I feel like going into breathing practice.
I was like, that feels weird for me now
because I feel like we haven't gonedeep enough to go to the...
Does that mak sense?
Well, I think more depth will comeand it can be inserted
wherever, but also likeyou can't have deep first thing
because also we're not trying to bedeep first
(06:47):
right right...no, I'm with you.
I just don'tI just didn't feel it didn't sink.
I didn't sink for me,that's why I had to pause.
I don't think I can so go into the breathingpause right now
It didn’t feel right. Okay. Tell me where you want to go and let's go.
(Off camera) Question.
(Off camera) We want to...
(Off camera) Do we want to pause? Like stop for a second?
(Off camera) Or we feel good that getting to it now?
I think we can continue getting to it now.
(07:08):
Yeah, you just have to drive.
To drive?
because I don't know where you want to go
but I'm down.
You down?
Okay.
(Off camera) If you need a moment
(Off camera) and then take a moment.
(Off camera) There's no pressure
(Off camera) or just going,you know, you change...
(Off camera) I wanted to say before we get that,let’s discuss this, you know?
(07:30):
Okay. now, now, enough of that.
(Off camera) Now, now, enough of that.
Okay.
Okay, I'll do that.
I will do that. Thank you for that.
Okay, so...
Okay
Before we get into that part, Natalie
I really want to talk about blackmental health.
I want to talk about howwe're in this now, this political moment
where everybody's talking about therapyand wellness and healing and
(07:54):
and realizing that we ain't always beenthere as folks.
Some of us still ain’t therenot across the entire community.
Right. Right.
And I want to hold that like there'sa beauty and power and what's happening.
But it's also kind of funkiness with it
like and the beauty and poweris that like now we're having this moment,
we have conversations around traumaand healing and people
are realizing things about themselves.
(08:15):
And then the funkinessis I'm starting to see the ways
in which people are using mental healthto shame people.
Girl, you just need to heal
I’m starting to see the ways
in which people are not recognizingthat access to care is really difficult
for most of us. And difficult to navigate.
Even if you have access,
even if you have medical insuranceand you have all the things lined up
now, it requires bravery and tenacityto continue to like
(08:40):
navigate our medical industrial complex,which is not user friendly.
YOLO (08:44):
No, it's not. This ain’t, you know what I mean?
Like it is challenging to be like, okay,how do I find a therapist?
I remember calling my, you know, my doctor
and being like, Hey,I want to get a therapist.
And they were like, okay, well,what symptoms do you have?
And I was like,First of all, who are like, what?
And then they basically say,
I said, I want to make surethat the person is black.
(09:05):
And they said, Well,we don't screen for race.
We don't ask them what race they are.
And I was like, Well,how do I know they know what they talk...
You know, I was like,That ain't going to work for me.
Like, I need to know some specificsbefore I come and divulge
what's happening in my life. Right.
And I think that's truefor so many people. Absolutely.
You know, I often say that,like it's important when you
when you're building a relationshipwith a therapist like you recognize it.
(09:27):
Like just like every barberwho got a license can't cut your hair.
And every stylistwho got a license can't style your hair.
Everybody who got a license, a therapistdoesn't mean eliminates a match for you.
That's like the moment when you do, too.
Like this one I showed them.And then this will happen, right?
And you, like it went left so fastand it's like...
And so.
But you have to know how to navigatethat, right?
That if you're in emotional distressand you're seeking help,
(09:50):
you may not have the clarity of mindto be like, Hey, so I want to make sure
that, you know, like
everybody doesn't know how to do thatand doesn't feel the agency to do that.
And so how can we build systems that makesense for the people who are using them?
Absolutely. It makes sense.
I love this piece.
Another piece I think is really importantto is holding this piece that often
people talk about, you know, black folksdon't talk about mental health
(10:10):
or have not talked about mental healthhistorically. Right.
Not true. Right.
And I feel like that's such a racist idea.
The ideathat, like we talk about mental health
all the time, we have our own languagefor it. Absolutely.
I think I grew up here.
People say, she in a mood or,you know, so-and-so was touched
or so-and-so has got the blues.
There was language,but it wasn't the same language.
You weren't going around saying like,is that clinical depression?
(10:30):
And that's also becauseof the history of psychiatry, right?
In the waysin which our folks were treated
when institutionalized,not supportive, unkind,
unfriendly and frankly,just unhelpful. Right.
And so like people wanting to distancethemselves from that kind of clinical
naming and shaming, frankly, to be ableto just be like, how do we navigate this?
(10:51):
And how do we just say like, yeah,you know, I'm going through it, right?
We have all these catchphrasesin our community
to describe the emotional distressthat we're under
because the systemsthat we're a part of demonize us
and stigmatize uswhen we acknowledge like,
yeah, I don't feel like something'sright. Right? Something feels wrong.
And now we got to be shamed
and like paperworkand all of these different things.
(11:14):
And I just don't thinkthat's the way it has to be.
Yeah, that's not safe.
I think that's the piece of the pieceto talk about, too.
Like, even as we talk about,
we have to hold that,even as we're talking about
getting people to get in the care
that so many of the dominant systemsare not safe for them. Right.
They're like, we know that black folks who areexperiencing mental health distress
like are more likelyto get killed by the police.
We know that like,
I'm not listened to and supportedwhen they go to get medical care.
(11:36):
Right. Or like when we go to get medical care. Right.
And so holding all those piecesis a part of the remix, right?
We can't just pretend like, everybody go to
therapy is like, that's not real life.
Like, let's talk about real lifeand the real struggles
and also understand therapyas an intervention for everybody, right?
Like there are a lot of other strategiesand tools that are really helpful.
Like I think about tapping, which,you know, emotional freedom technique,
which has been proven effectiveto work with veterans.
(11:57):
A lot of like elders and folks love it.
Like, you know, as a strategy, to manage anxietyAbsolutely.
I’m thinking about yoga
I'm thinking about Reiki,I'm thinking about church.
I think about all these things that aredifferent things in our tool belts
that can be helpful,
that often are dismissedor denied as really valid strategies
for healing aloneness.And recognizing that,
you know, I think sometimes we thinklike we can only do one thing, right.
(12:17):
And I think about likemy first experiences in college were yoga
And low key...
I really only took it because allthe basketball players were taking yoga.
And so I was like, Well,I'm going to do it too, right?
And then I was like,You say 8:00 on a Friday.
I don't think I can followthrough with this.
And also I learned that I got weak wristsand so I was like, This is painful to me.
I don't actually enjoy this.
And so while there aresome optics that I did enjoy,
(12:39):
the wrist was weak and I was like
yoga is not, maybe is probably not for me.
Right?
And so being willing to try differentthings to find what is my thing, right.
And I think in our community trying andfailure has higher risk in our community.
And so sometimes people are hesitantto try different kinds of things
because if you keep trying,some people are like,
(12:59):
you can never find the right thing.
You always do something different.
And it's like, Yeah, until I findthe right thing that feels good for me.
Yeah, tell me, tell me.
I have no idea where were going
That’s why I was trying to take a secret pause
So I'd love to now like share a little bit
(13:20):
about how some of the practicesthat we utilize right.
That we find helpful that are empoweringto us and that other folks can try on.
Right.
I know Yolo,you're offering a specific kind
of technique that you utilizeand that is helpful for you.
And I'd loveif you would like share that with us.
Yeah.
So one practice that I thinkis really helpful that is very
(13:41):
simple is called box breathing, right?
And so if you imagine a square or a box
and you imagine has four sides,the technique is really simple.
What it is is that you take a deep inhalethrough your nose, filling your belly
full for 4 seconds,then you hold that for 4 seconds,
then you release slowly for 4 seconds,and then you repeat.
(14:03):
And so canwe just talk about this for a minute?
Because when I do this,I feel like I'm going to die.
It'll be like 4 secondshold, and I'll be like, is it 4 seconds?
You know, be like the longest 4seconds of your life when you gotta hold your breath.
And it's like we've definitely heldour breath for a longer than 4 seconds.
But also that's like part of the anxiety,right?
Is like that's part of
the surrender is being with your bodyand like really integrating.
(14:25):
And so like for the folkswho might be trying this
for the first time,it might feel uncomfortable, right?
Just like the first time we did anything,it probably was not like the most stellar
moment of our lives.
But I think there's some beauty injust trying things and seeing if it fits.
And that's why our practices are complaintbased, right?
(14:45):
Because maybe today you like
Nat, that ain’t for me, girl. That ain’t it. And other days you might totally be like,
I remember this tool.
Maybe this is a good thingfor me to utilize.
So let's try it todayand see if today is the day now.
I’m crashing.
You’re crashing...yeah.
(Off camera) I was about to say...
I feel like I'm like I’m lost.You need sugar? What do you need?
(15:07):
I think I need food.
but I'm also like a little...I think we need to restructure.
I'm a little lost.I don't know where I'm going.
And I think that I think it's goodwe're having a conversation,
but I'm just like a little like,
Wait, where am I? I'm confused.What do you need to help...?
(Off camera) We can cut....
So I think what I need is some foodbecause it's definitely mylunch time.
It's like 1:00, 2:00I feel it in my body, right? Yes.
(15:28):
And thenI think we need I think I need to know...
(Off camera) Sound cut.
It's okay. It's okay. Yeah.
When we returned to set priorto fully shooting, again,
we captured some of the behindthe scenes conversation.
We want to share that with you
as opposed to fix itand actually tell someone
why this is this, this, thiswhich is actually not helpful to people
(15:50):
who are having a moment where they mightbe activated or just exhausted.
So I want to share that because I justwant to make sure I clear about that.
Like, it was very frustrating for me
because I was like, Whoa,I am really having a moment.
I mean, I'm my energy is already low.I'm like, already confused.
And then I feel like I'm getting things
that are not helpfulwhen I've said what I need, you know?
So that's I want to say that and name that.
(16:11):
No ill will towards anyone.
appreciating everyonebecause like once again,
I recognize everyone'scoming from this place of
I'm trying to help.
But I'm asking in the future they're like,you know, with all of us,
there are moments when we just like,we need to pause or we need to
refuel something
Let them have that . We don't have to go to try to rationalizing our social
Or trying to fix it for them.
Let them had that feelingand go to what they need to do.
(16:32):
That makes sense.
And I just want to share that.
Not that the intention of y’all...Like to like...
You know, I'm not trying to shameanybody or anything.
Like we all clearly showed up in my momentright.
But I just want to name itbecause I don't think I'm that a person
who likes likesit time, like something didn't happen.
Something did happen in this space
(16:54):
(Off camera) Everybody good?
(Off camera) Everybody's still wanna be here?
NATALIE (16:58):
What did you say?
He said, Everybody still want to be?
They be like, Nah, I'm good. Yolo doing a lot.
He has a lot to say. He’s already doing a lot. It’s the MOST.
(Off camera) No, no, no.
(Off camera) We understand and appreciate that.
And I think that's a piece of me, too.
Like, it's like
recognizing and holding that like,when all of us
(17:18):
are in these moments, we all havethese moments of tension, of distress.
We all are trying to respond in the waywe know how to respond to support people,
and that some of our strategies aredifferent.
Are not as refinedas some other really developed,
some of them thoughtful.Whatever. They’re what we know.
Right.
And I think that like in that in those
in that moment, for me, it was just like,okay wait...
I actuall, the part I could have done differently
(17:40):
Was I could have just said,I need a break.
I need to actually step out.
I actually don't need
these other things that you allare offering graciously and thoughtfully.
But it's not actually what I need andit's actually making me more disregulated.
And what I think is like,this is what happens
in the midst of things, right?
Is like we don't have full clarity.
We don't have capacityto be perfectly eloquent.
(18:04):
Right, Right.
And articulate something absolutely. Like, those are ideals.
That's not the norm ofhow life happens.
And I think we punish each otherwhen the norm doesn't happen.
Instead of going,that's life and let's keep rocking.
Yeah. And let's keep rocking, but let’s also keep learning.
Yes. Right.
So, like, you know, I think about...Not keep rocking and ignore what happens.
Keep knocking and rocking and learningand growing.
(18:25):
And giving each other grace.
Yeah,
because I think about like there'sso many times
in which I've shown up in spaces
and communities
where I could have shown upand did something different,
but I didn't knowhow to do something different.
And it happens a million times a day.
And I think that's like the pieceabout the real practice, right?
But it also is a piece about like,you know, in that moment it's like,
am I listening to understandor am I listening to fix it?
Because if I'm listening to fix it,then I'm sometimes going
(18:47):
past the feeling, and sometimesthe feeling is actually the fixing it.
The feeling is just like,you feel that way. Okay, bet.
Tell me about that feeling.
As opposed to like the fixing it,
which is sometimes we go to I'mgoing to talk you out of your feeling
or rationalize you as why you're feelingan emotion is not legit
and like our our is not sound.
And that actually is the gaslightingin many ways, right?
(19:08):
And so often..but it's commonbecause we're taught to do that.
It's positive psychologyourselves out of our emotions.
And when you think about the historyof our community...
Right? This is a strategy.
To survive...is we ain't got time to be in our feel...
Think about our grandparentsand our mamas.
I was raised by a single mom.
(19:28):
She didn't have time
for all of my emotional distressevery single day as I was aging
because she had to pay this light billand we had to get in the car by 7:50.
And if we didn't,
I was going to be late to schooland she was going to be late to work.
And then these white folks
was going to be talking to her wild.
That was the reality of our paradigm.
Right.
(19:49):
And so I just think about like,you know, when I can talk to my mom
now and be like, yo, the ways in whichyou were so like, have to be at school,
have to do this, have to do this, like,where was the fun in my childhood?
And she looks back and she's like, Yeah...
I was doing the best that I could.
And I and I can see that, right?
I can see it in the details.
(20:10):
She was trying to set me upfor whatever success I wanted to have
without knowing what I could even become.
Right, because the world would bedifferent by the time I would be an adult.
And it's a world she wasn't necessarilygoing to be a part of in the same way.
Yeah, I love that piece.
You said about setting up for success,
because I think there'sa inter-generational piece to that, right?
So I think about like,same thing in my family.
(20:32):
Like, you know, I often talk aboutI love my family and like I remember
my mid twenties really getting my family,coming home to my mom and dad
and hugging themand that being so uncomfortable
because they were like,we're just not we're not touchy people.
The back get rigid. They like, Ohhh!
Why you huggin’ people? You touchin’ people.
Like that was not somethingthey grew up having.
Right.
And and sometimes our family's ideaof setting us up for success is
(20:53):
let me teach youthat your feelings aren't valuable.
Let me teach youthat your feelings need to be minimized.
Let me teach you to deny your feelings,because that's
the coping strategythat I've had and was passed down to me
to survive this environment.
And because when we keep it a buck,when you go out into White world
(21:13):
don't nobody careabout how you feel.
They care aboutdid you do your job or you didn't.
Yes. And the piece is it's the both, and.
It's like we aren't taught thatlike cultivate a space in your home
It's like we aren't taught thatlike cultivate a space in your home
in your family, in your friends somewhere
where you have safety
where you, where, emotional state...to where it's okay to have your feeling
that it's not there's not good or badfeelings...are only...
(21:35):
feelings are information.
Where we're not “shoulding” on our feelingsso wherever we should, we shame, right?
But like,that's not what we've been taught
because our folks don't have the tools,sometimes in the resources.
So the feeling, so the teaching was formy moms and dads, from parents
talk yourselfout of it, deny it, repress it,
and then we think about
so you can get back to what you need to do.
And then when we think about whythere's so much mental health
(21:57):
distress in our communities,because we have generations of people
denying and talking themselvesand minimizing
and gaslightingthemselves out their feelings.
So now, as opposed to people being like,I'm angry, you're like,
Well, why are you angry? You shouldn'tbe angry because blah, blah, blah.
It’s like, Wait a second, hold on, I'm angry.
Let me have my anger.
I have a right to be angry.I have a right to be sad.
Like the sadness is not wrong.
(22:18):
Sadness is information.
It is something that I need to learnor grow from.
But that's counter to what we learn.
And it is counter to the culture.
In many ways.
But like our folksdid not have the opportunities
that spaciousness that we now can swim in.
They did not have this.
And so they're teaching usonly what they knew.
(22:39):
And that the challengethat we always have to our elders is and I
now live in a world that you don'tfully participate in.
And so I express differentlythan you might because I have more space to.
And opportunityand privilege to do as well.
That like we live in a different world
where I don't haveto suffocate my emotions in the same way
(23:01):
to survive and navigate.
I have other opportunities available to meand, you know, like
and I think it's also importantto that even our
our imagining of history that we recognize
that there were black folks who are elderswho also made those same spaces,
who made those spaces to heal, you know,even though they may common norm may be,
you know, repress, deny, it is what it is,as opposed to, you know, I feel grief.
(23:23):
And because in every family,there's always one maverick
who's like, No, I ain’t doing that.
What y’all on, I ain’t finna to do that and everybody, we say they weirdos.
Oh that's my aunt so and so,you know, she a little...
We do that to the person who's sayingthis space is too rigid for me.
I need more space.
We sometimes ostracize them.
And I think about like,you know, my dad one time saying,
(23:46):
you think you know everything now, right?
And I was like,No, I don't think I know everything
but the things I know, baby,I know, right?
And like, and, and that shamethat then comes back in the community
when someone now has decided I want more,I want something different.
I want.
You know what I mean? It's the same thing
when you go to a cookoutand you're like, I'm a vegetarian.
(24:07):
Everybody's like, What?
And it's like, I'm trying to do somethingelse.
Like, dang, like, can you just get thevegan hot dogs and like, can we move on?
Like, why does it have to be a thing?
But it has to be a thingif we don't have other things in common.
Yes, there's multiple piecesI want to pull out there.
Like so the piece about the shame,
recognizing that when we have this conversation about mental health
(24:28):
and intergenerational mental health,that that will often
bring to elders, peoplewe love and our family, our partners,
sometimes insights that make them aware
of themselves, that elicit shamein them.
Absolutely.
So I would go back to youryour uncle or your father and say like,
hey, when you did this, thisactually was hurtful to me and...
(24:49):
And in the and the reactionthat a lot of folks have is often shame.
And I want to make a distinction
between shame and responsibilityor shame and guilt.
Is that shame says I am a bad person
versus responsibility,saying I did a bad thing. Right?
And often in our culture we are taught
like I think about the poet June Jordan,where she says,
We are taughtthat wrong is our name as black folks,
(25:09):
our elders have been taughtthat wrong is their name.
And so whenever someone comes to youand gives you that feedback, you mean
they think I'm a bad person as opposed toI learned something that was not helpful.
I did something that was harmful.
I can make a different choice, right?
And so I think it's important
that when we talk aboutintergenerational conversations,
when we're having conversations aboutelders
or just our folks in communities who aren't as resourced as us, like,
(25:31):
who may not be, this ain’t they jam
they ain’t in this all the time
that we understand
we come in with compassionbeing like seeing
that we were those peoplewe were at that point to, right.
I can't, I can't say, I can say now 20 plus years
doing public health and mental health workwhere I'm at now.
But 20 years ago I was out heredoing the same dumb like...
like I can look back on choicesI made, which were reflective
(25:53):
of what my parents taught me,who just passing down what they knew.
And nowI can have different strategies and tools
which have been intentionally held backfrom black people.
Right?
Strategies and tools that have beenintentionally held back from us
frameworks that we were not giving access to.
And so now we have the privilegeto be able to hold that.
But I can also see to have the grace,because when I see somebody showing up
(26:16):
in a way that people feel like,I can't believe they're acting like that,
I see myself.
And I think it's also such an opportunityto have curiosity
that like when I'm, when I am activated,
I'm immediatelylike, what's happening for me?
Like, what is this eliciting
such that I'm havingthis emotional response?
(26:37):
And I think we'vebeen shamed out of curiosity.
Curiosity is dangerous.
And so that's the first placeI want to go.
I want to first go to Curiosity.
What's what's and what's being awakenedin me and why? What's the opportunity here?
And then we think aboutwe've been shamed out of curiosity.
We've been beaten out of curiosity.
(26:57):
like so much of we think aboutintergenerationally, what black folks,
what we've had our our forefathers,our grandparents had to do.
It was or chose to do to protectus, was like I got to beat the curiosity
out of you because the white worldwill kill you for your curious. Yes.
Like iterally, literally kill you.
And so now we have generationswhere we're in many ways
(27:19):
that still is still very true,but shifted in some contexts.
But the behavior is still global.
As if we don't have opportunity
to be curious in some places,and that psychic knowing of like that,
many of us didn't make it...because we were curious..
That's embedded in our DNA,that protection of don't
do too muchbecause you know, it ain't actually safe.
(27:41):
Right.
And whether we contendwith that each day or not,
I think depends on the amount of privilege we hold.
Right. I think about that...
I think about my safety as a womanexisting in a female body. Right.
Like I think about physical safety all thetime, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I sleep with my bedroom door lockedin my own house because I go, Well, but
(28:06):
let me have all the
barriers so nobody can say, Well,why didn't you...?
Right?
Because we know that when women
experience violence in the world,people ask them, Well, why didn't you?
X, Y, Z.
And so as a black woman, as a queer woman,as a right, I have all my markers.
I go, Well, did I do everything?So that when something bad happens,
(28:29):
I can say, No, I did everything.
It's not because it was my faultthis time.
And that's the subtextto many of our experiences,
is we're trying to put up these parameters
so that we know we checked all the boxesto say that it equals the right thing.
So we should have good mental healthbecause I did all the things.
And then when it's still all the thingsain’t showing up
(28:52):
because we might be experiencingmental illness that might be ongoing,
right, then we're in even more distressbecause we're like,
I did the things, I went to the yoga,I did this, I went to the therapist.
How come I'm still not well?
And it's like,because, well, ain't a landing point.
It ain't a destination.
It's a thingyou're going to constantly interact with.
(29:14):
(music plays).
So reflecting back on that,
an affirmation for me in this moment,
because I'd like to close the spacewith an affirmation
that maybe I have multiple affirmations.
Okay?Honey, you can have all the ones you want.
The first affirmation I have is
(29:38):
I know that
I come from communitieswhere or environments where
I internalize that I should never feel angry
that it's not okay to be emote emotive.
And I think some of that came from meseeing people be emotive and me experience
(29:58):
the ways they were emotive and made mefeel even my own feelings about that.
But I'm trying to honor that.
My, my anger, my frustration is validand okay, it's okay not to be people
pleasing in an appeasement modeall the time.
And so I think that's a big lesson for me.
And it's also I think other affirmationfor me is also honoring that,
you know,
(30:20):
that our
folks care, our folks show up for usand in care
and with the with what they knowhow to show up and care with.
Right.
And that it's not it's not coming froma place of like, you know, of ill intent.
It's just like, no, I'm trying to help.
And sometimes we don't know what the thingthe help is most useful.
I think you said about what Teyae said, like,I don't know.
And that's one of the most powerful things
(30:40):
you can saywhen it comes to mental health
and healing work, I don't know
Because now there's possibility.Now there’s possibility and there's honesty
as opposed to like, you know, scrambling,which is really easy.
And we’re encouraged to do because webecause I feel we live in a culture
tells us that you suppose to knowwhat's happening.
Suppose to know how to fix it. Honey, we just don't know everything.
We don't. We ain't gon...
Praise God.This ain't Ask Jeeves.
We don't know everything. We don't know.
(31:00):
Ask Jeeves, is that sill around?
I don't know.
But I've heard...
That’s a very random reference that you just...
You know, this brain of mine
it’ll take you places.
So for you,
you know, being a part of this as well,what was
what is an affirmationthat you are taking away for it?
I think I'm taking away
and like standing with that
(31:26):
that I come from a worldwhere I have to have the answer.
That I have to know what to do.
I have to know how to delegate.
And sometimes it is...doing this.
And going we gon’ figure it outand not having to have the answer.
And I think that is the beautyand the liberation in the moment.
So that's what I'm taking away.
(31:47):
Thanks for joining us.
We're just delighted to be able to do thiswork.
I'll speak for myself,but I know this is true for you too.
I'm delighted to do this work, to bein conversation, to talk about the hard,
messy, sticky stuff because it makes usa richer, fuller and more beautiful.
And so wherever you are,we just are sending
(32:08):
you love and peace
and safetyand all the things that you might need.
Want to encourage youto think of your own affirmation
and to let you knowthat we are rooting for you, we see you
and we can't wait to be back with you.
All right.
(music plays)
(32:35):
It’s your girl Natalie back at it again with anothertip, another way to resource yourself,
Something I really love are carddecks, right?
You can find themreally all over the place,
but you can find onethat speaks to your heart.
I know everybody is not a tarot bey,but you might be an affirmation bey
and reallyaffirmations can be for everybody
because it's just wordsthat speak to our heart a little bit.
(32:56):
I love to do thisfirst thing in the morning, right?
You can find a deck that speaks to youand maybe shuffle a little bit,
maybe put some energy on it. Right.
And just pull a card.
This one says I'm exactlywhere I am supposed to be.
It's an opportunity to talk with yourself,to take a pause, to remember
that you're greaterthan your circumstances. Right?
You might be navigating some hard thingsand some kind words often help us.
(33:20):
And so maybe a deck is a thingyou want to try out this week.
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