April 5, 2025 • 35 mins
Combining two families under one roof can be hard at the best of times.
Whether a couple are both bringing kids from a previous marriage together, or someone is becoming a step parent having never had kids before.
But what happens when there are disagreements between the couple? What if a step parents thinks their stepchild should move out when he turns 18?
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk sib.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
All you wanted to run salv.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
All?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
You wanted to run sallis? Are you want to run
sail run out Salvy? Yes, Welcome back to the Weekend Collective.
(00:46):
I'm Tim Beveridge. And by the way, if you miss
any of our previous hours, we had Ed McKnight for
the one roof radio show talking about whether the golden
age of property was still was over and also a
panel panel with Irene Gardner and Brad Olsen. If you
want to check out those hours, go and look for
our podcast on News Talks. He'd be or Iheartrado and
we get them loaded pretty quick after we've wrapped up
(01:08):
each hour. But right now we're shifting on to another
the Parents Squad, And by the way, just quickly, I
do always like to sort of add a bit of
context just for this music we played. I was listening
that is of course Mustang Sally by the Commitments, and
you sort of think, oh, how old's that is? It
twenty years old, it's thirty four years old. That goes
back to nineteen ninety one. It's bliming. Time flies when
(01:30):
you're having fun. Anyway, this is the Parents Squad and
we're going to we want your calls on this as
well as to the rules in your family. If you've
got a blended family, because often so many families in
New Zealand are combining two families under one roof, which
can create challenges. You've got the question of you know
how to treat the kids consistently between parents when you've
(01:52):
got a couple of people who've got together, who may
have different ideas about raising kids. But you know what
happens when there are disagreements around the rules of the
house and under what sort of in what situation can
a step parent not necessarily discipline, but just say to
one of the kids who's from their partner, that listen,
that's not okay. What are the rules, what are the boundaries?
(02:13):
Who has to say in what parts of family life?
And we'd love to know how you've handled it if
you've had if you've in a blended family or have
been part of a blended family, how did you manage that?
Because if you want to go back to the tales
of the brothers grim the step mother or the stepfather,
I guess they were always evil. Hopefully we've moved on
(02:35):
a little bit since then, but yeah, how do you
manage the rules? And to discuss it been a little
while since we've had her on the show, actually, says
psychologist at mind Works and Sarah Chapman.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Get O Sarah, good a Tim, how are you?
Speaker 2 (02:47):
You're just pleased that I've got Sarah and not Sarah.
I got it right.
Speaker 5 (02:49):
I was waiting for you to add that h And
I was thinking, is he or isn't he going to do?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Oh no, I think there are Sarah's and Sarah's without
the ah who still go either way?
Speaker 4 (02:57):
Well it's a bit naughty, isn't it? And it's confusing?
So I get it.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
It's all right, Yeah, okay, that's good. That's good. I
mean it is, isn't it fun? I was just thinking that.
I randomly meant thought about the Brothers Grimm the other
day because of they've released the Snow White and I
looked up some of the old fairy tales, the original stories.
Those are pretty dark, and sts step mothers in particular
(03:23):
don't come out of it pretty well.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
They come off badly. I know.
Speaker 5 (03:26):
I think a lot has changed him. I've got to
say a lot has changed.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Well, thank goodness. Actually, even that, I always wonder whether
there's a better name than stepmother or step annotation anymore.
I don't think people's just set differently. There was a
time when.
Speaker 5 (03:40):
Yeah, well, I think that people these days are more
likely to take the approach of a friend as opposed
to a parent if they are under the same roof
as somebody else's children in terms of you know, the kids,
aren't these that they burst. So I think that often
people are trying to really facilitate a really nice friendship
between themselves and their step children. And to be fair,
(04:04):
a lot of people, you know, when you meet parents
and people with step children, do not use that as
an introductory you know, Monica. They say, oh, this is
X and y, And if they say, oh, is that
your daughter, then they might clarify it. People don't usually
ask ask, But yeah, I think the notion of embracing
(04:24):
other people's children in a friendly capacity and just you know,
looking after them, watching over them. But there's a yeah,
there's a whole lot of things to unpack in that
little and.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Of course it's probably worth no one actually just gets
if you have have had a former relationship and you've
got children with them from a former relationship. It's not
like the next person you meet you're going to move
in with. No, that's right because hopefully, but when you
do decide that you're going to spend your lives together,
whether it be the facta or get married, you actually,
(04:55):
hopefully yeah, meet with children of that imagine that it's like, oh,
let's get married. By the way, I better meet your kids.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Well, I think exactly that could be a shocker.
Speaker 5 (05:03):
I think that people take time these days, if they are,
you know, on the dating scene, to not introduce their
children to anybody that may not be there for the
long haul, because you don't want to get children involved
in anything that's not necessarily going to last too long.
That can be a little bit discombobulating for them. So
(05:24):
when people make the decision to get together in the
splendid kind of fashion, I mean, it's really important to
perhaps take a little bit of time, a transitional phase,
even where you meet the children and you know, everybody
coexists but perhaps not in the same place, just to
get to know each other.
Speaker 4 (05:40):
A lot of people do that.
Speaker 5 (05:41):
Well.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
One would imagine that the most common scenario is that
the parents. It makes them sound like kids, isn't it.
But before you've moved it, before you actually have made
that commitment to live together, there's probably been the odd
sleepover Where are we going to go?
Speaker 4 (05:56):
There?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
There would be when you one person stayed over night
and you I mean, I guess that's not the way
to meet the kids. Is it's best to just meet
them rather the first thing in the morning?
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (06:07):
Well, I mean parents know their children the best, so
no psychologist or health professional or broadcaster can make those
kind of decisions. So parents need to just see where
their kids are at with regard to coping. How are
they going to cope with it? What resources do they
have to cope with this? Because it's quite confronting. I mean,
(06:28):
your mum and dad are no longer together. They're now
mixing with other people, and they have other people in
their lives. These people come from different places, different backgrounds,
at different stages of life. So it's a lot to
take on and parents really need to just you know,
sit in that for a while, work it out and
understand their children as they do best, and work out
(06:50):
what kind of a timeframe and when is the best
opportunity to introd make the introductions.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
How I mean, how do you are there any particular
I don't want to say rules as if it's one
size fits all, but things to avoid and things that
are actually okay, because if you've got, say you might
have two or three young kids with them where mum
and dad from previous relationships, but the idea of it's
not like Mum's always going to be around with her
(07:18):
kids there to monitor their behavior, because Mum might be
doing something else and the stepfather is there, yes, And
how do you set up those expectations on behavior where
you don't have to have the you're not my real father,
don't tell me what to do and all that sort
of thing, when in fact there would still have to
be some fairly there'd have to be understandings as to
(07:41):
what the authority of each step parent is, wouldn't they.
Speaker 5 (07:43):
And I think that becomes a little arguably becomes a
little easier when you are in the same house together
because it's not one parent's rules or the other parents' rules.
It's the parent's rules that they make together in that environment.
So there are rules of the house, and everybody abides
(08:04):
by the rules that have been put together by the
parents who are the architects of the destiny and the
architects of what goes on in that establishment. Because children
are children, they need direction, they need guidance.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I think that's where we're coming from, because to say
that that argument, you're going to get thrown in your
face by maybe an unhappy kid who's saying, you're you're
not my real mum or you're not my real dad.
You can't tell me what to do, when in fact
you do need to have that. I guess that is
it up to the you know, the actual parent to
spell out these are the rules, so when I'm not here.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Look, I think it is.
Speaker 5 (08:36):
I think it is actually easier for step parents or
other adults in that situation to have had that information
transmitted to the children by the parent of origin. I
think it's far easier if the parent of origin makes
has those conversations, because the children will say things, I mean,
(09:00):
kids are kids. They will say things, They'll try to
figure things out, and perhaps they will say things that
are a rude like you know, you're not my dad,
so I'm not listening to you. Of course, they might
push those boundaries. It's not necessarily acceptable, it's not pleasant,
it's not necessarily nice, but they're kids.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Yeah. Actually I was thinking I'm wondering if it is
slightly easier these days for one reason, we don't have
physical discipline allowed anyway, So there's no I mean that
would be you can imagine that would be a well
an absolutely absolute no no. But I mean because it's
people have to communicate in discipline and generally just just
(09:37):
with words. Really yes, So if you were spoken too
rudely as a step parent, I mean you could just
respond as a normal human being, say, do you think
it's okay to speak to.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
Me like that?
Speaker 2 (09:45):
That's right, in the same way a parent would say it. Anyway.
Speaker 5 (09:47):
Well, I mean every relationship in your life, key key
thing to consider as communication and keeping communication pathways open
if you are a parent, being available to children so
that they feel they can come to you and talk.
At the end of the day, people will have good
relationships with their step children and bad. It's just a
(10:08):
case of trying to work through and figure out how
those relationships unfold with the passing of time, because things
can change.
Speaker 4 (10:16):
Children grow well.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Also in different you're bringing kids together from different families,
there'll be different the kids will have different interests and
some might have slightly more harmh maintenance and interests.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
I mean I can think of one obvious thing would
be if one child is involved in a really.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Expensive sport, that's right.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
And how do you balance the needs of the other
kids without looking like, well, how comes such and such
as his favorite? Yeah, getting all but absolutely that's possibly
a challenge that every family has anyway.
Speaker 5 (10:43):
I think it is because when you have sibling relationships,
often there's a child that does something different to the
children that do things that are different to their siblings,
and they mean that there's more or less parental engagement.
So you'll get that in a lot of scenarios. But
those things, of course, they're all discussion points. And as
you get to know your partner, you will get to
(11:04):
know what he comes with in terms and or she
comes with in terms of blended families, And you know,
it is cool to just have a little bit of
a thought about that and figure that out and discuss
it and actually work through the implications of what it
means when you decide to, you know, put it all
under one.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Roof, because you wonder if it's almost it would be
a smart thing to do that if you decided, Look,
this is great. We're going to live together. We're going
to be one big family. But before we do this,
we're going to have a chat about how everything's going
to work in the house.
Speaker 4 (11:38):
It's a bit like how it looks.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I think the parenting place had that. This is a
different thing I'm remembering, but they have a contract around
getting a device. Yes, but the idea that you go
through a few I don't know. Is it over the
top to have not a written contract, but things where
you go through and say, okay, this is the rules
when mum's away then you know Tim's the boss. Yes,
(12:02):
and if you are going to speak, these are going
to be the consequence. Says he can take your phone
or he can switch your phone off, and I give
them you.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Know, I think that's a lawyer and you coming out
in and around.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
I get what you mean having a talk about some points.
Speaker 5 (12:18):
Like no, I think that's really sensible, but I don't
think I mean, look cooking it well. I mean some
families a contract might work because that's you know, part
of that family culture. But I think also just allowing
children to understand and being very honest and upfront and
if dad is going away. Then Dad, you know, calls everybody.
You know, you have a bit of a family conference,
(12:38):
whether it's in the lounge, at the dinner table, or
you know, out on the deck, and you say, hell, listen,
I'm going away for five days in my absence Sally.
Because we had the song about Sally to begin with.
Speaker 4 (12:49):
Sally will be.
Speaker 5 (12:49):
Making these decisions, and I expect you to be respectful
to Sally. And if you do play up, Sally has
my you know, vote of confidence in terms of taking
your phone away. She has my consent. So guys, you know,
just treat Sally like the friends that she is having
those conversations very openly, very honestly. It's really really lovely
(13:11):
for parents and kids.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Okay, let's take some calls. Shirley. Hello, I've got the
perfect answer for this.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
Oh we want to hear it. Sheerley.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
I'm a mariage celebrant and this couple came to see me,
both with children and chatting with them. And then I
said to the husband, how did you get on with
I say, Sally's children. He said, oh, yeah, not ready.
Sometimes they're a little bit more difficult. You know, you
(13:47):
can't tell me what to do you're not my father,
So I said, leave it with me. So they went away,
and when they came back, I had done They had
done their vows, and I did the vowels for the children.
So what I did was the husband and then what
the bride and groom took their vows, and then I
(14:11):
and I had told them what I'm going to do.
And then I called up some days.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
Carol and Bob the children.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
And I spoke to the room and I said, now
that these two children will include you and your family,
will you do your best to have the best etcetera.
And buy severe sucks. And the kids thought it was
wonderful taking vows. Anyway, he rang me two weeks lay
to he did, I want to thank you for those.
Oh okay, he said. The other night I said to
(14:43):
the little one, come on, get ready for bed. She said,
you can't hang on a minute. Remember the wedding you
took some vowels, and she did years and she got
up and went straight and got for bed.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
That is a good one. I love that. That's so sweet.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Actually, that's I mean. I quite like that story as
well because Shirley, because they were incorporated into the marriage
ceremonial and it made.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
Them feel accepted and included and part of the whole.
I just love that. It's so sweet.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Do you think there was Do you think, Shirley, do
you think they had an extra sort of influence because
they're involved in something that actually was a celebration. It
was formalized in front of people, and it really made
the kids feel that they were part of the new team.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Absolutely made them feel so important.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
By the way the kids. The kids didn't know what
was coming, didn't they Everyone knew what the vows were
going to be. It didn't surprise them with the vows.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
Did you know, I'm just going to do some special
children the vows and I know that you love them
the kids.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Oh, the kids didn't know what you what they were
going to be vowing.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
And once taken their vows, the groom bent down and
gave them both a hug.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
Or that's really lovely. What a lovely thing to do,
my mother, I.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Actually think you're gift for them as well.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Yeah, it's lovely, lovely, thank you, Sherley.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
I would tend to want the kids to know that
they were going to be called upon to do something,
because I think there'd be some kids who want to
run a mile.
Speaker 5 (16:17):
I think it's quite cool to actually just say, look,
we're going to incorporate you in this this service and
as long as they is what I mean. Yeah, No,
I don't think she totally put them in that spot.
But that's really cool, that's lovely.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Is there something about is there also something with.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
A voice of authority or somebody outside the family.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
I'm thinking about the fact that now Sheley was talking
about the couple getting married. Yes, but when kids have
come from, when they've come from a relationship that hasn't
worked out, hasn't worked out, you know, there would be
they might carry a certain cynicism about the permanence of relationships.
Speaker 5 (16:59):
No, I think those adult thoughts to children are not
necessarily cynical.
Speaker 4 (17:03):
You know, up until about fifty Dean.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
I don't mean cynical. I just mean not certain. I
don't mean as in like, oh, you know, as in
an adult this isn't well, no, not in that way.
Just how do I know that this is?
Speaker 4 (17:18):
I'll get you.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
The mum and dad split up, now you're together, how
important is it for them? I mean, how do you
manage that? Because you want kids to feel secure? And
yet relationships don't necessarily last. How do you know that's right?
Speaker 5 (17:31):
And that's the world that we live in now, you know,
rightly or wrongly, it just is. And I guess all that.
I think the key points for me are authenticity, honesty,
being able to talk them through the reality of relationships.
And you need to be aware of their age, because
you know there's limitations in terms of small children. Then
(17:51):
you move into middle childhood, they can understand more and
than teenagers. I mean, they're fully getting it. So you
just have to be you have to work out what
you can share. But being honest, and also kids need
to know the parents aren't perfect. You try as parents.
You let your kids know that you try, you try
to bring you know, your a game all the time.
(18:12):
Sometimes you don't measure up and that is just life
and it's okay. But being honest and also making sure
that they feel loved and that they feel accepted by
the parent and befriended by the other person.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Okay, because in fact, no, I'm not going to ask
another question. I will, but it'll be after the break
because otherwise I'll just kept talking. It's twenty five past five.
If you have been part of a blended family. How
did you navigate potential pitfalls just with having kids from
with who've had a different mum and dad and now
they've got a new couple, even though now that you're
(18:48):
part of a blended family, what rules did you have
and what pitfalls did you have to address? We'd love
to hear from you. Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty.
Sarah Chatwin is my guest. This is News Talks you
be it's coming up to twenty six past five. Yes,
(19:27):
welcome back to the Parents Squad. I'm Tim Beveridge. My
guest is Sarah chat When. She's a psychologist at Mind
Works talking about blended families. Actually, I've got a question
before we got us. We've got a bunch of texts here, Sarah.
But sometimes for a step parent, you might say, well,
you've got to sort of hopefully start from a position
of I mean, I'm not sure that people say you've
(19:48):
got to try and be friendly, but of course no
parent can be the friend. So how do you sort
of how does a parent become friendly with their new
step children without being sort of on the same level
where they don't have any authority, In other words, where
if that parent's on their own discipline.
Speaker 4 (20:07):
How do they do it well?
Speaker 5 (20:09):
I think again you need some very very clear direction
from the parent of origin as to what is acceptable
in their space of parenting because they have brought these
children up for a number of years without the step
parent obviously, so you need to talk about what is acceptable.
Speaker 4 (20:26):
I mean, what tone of voice.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
What if a child drops something on the floor and you,
as you're their stepparent, but you expect that the child
would help you, You would help them, they would help you,
or they would, you know, wipe it up. But if
it is in a different household the responsibility of the parent.
You've got to figure these things out. You have to
know what the acceptable parameters are for the parent of origin,
(20:50):
and then what they are for the step parent, and
then you need to find some really nice middle ground.
I do not feel comfortable at all thinking that step
parents take it on their you know, on their own
own shoulders to discipline another person's child when they haven't
known that child for a long time. I think that's
a really dodgy move to make, and I think there
(21:12):
needs to be a lot of conversation around.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
I was thanking. I can imagine that say like, for instance,
in our family where we're where we are both have
kids parents that if instead of time out, so for instance,
it's like, tell you what, why don't you you know,
why don't you just kind of take yourself off to
the room. I think if I was a stepfather and
I was disciplining the kids, I'm going to say, tell
you what, I'm not going to send you to your room.
(21:35):
I'm going to disapplear for the time being, i would
take myself out. I mean, I think i'd almost do
that rather than having to force the kid to go
and have time out, I'd say, well, one of us
is having time out, so I'm going to take it.
But discussing this with your mum when she gets home.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Yeah, But if the rules have been established in a
household of parents and stepparents, if the rules have been established,
then a rule is a rule, whether the parent or
stepparent is there. So if a child acts up, and
if the consequence for breaking that rule is that they
go to their room, whether the parent of origin says
it or those step parents says it is irrelevant. There
(22:11):
are rules that are specific to that household. If they
are broken, there is a specific outcome and a specific consequence.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
So it's just a question of communicating what it is.
So mum's going away and step dad's in control or something.
It's like, tell you what, I've had a discussion and
so this is the thing. If you behave in this manner,
then I have a consequence. You will lose your phone
for a few hours and no argument. Norm will back
that up. And so long as the kids know that
this I mean, actually be honest. It's sort of the
(22:39):
golden rule for any relationship, whether there's step families or not,
isn't it?
Speaker 4 (22:42):
It is?
Speaker 5 (22:43):
And if you look at it, it becomes quite an
easy kind of a dichotomy. It's, you know, this cause
and this effect the sandy you know, anteceden and this consequence.
So it's really important for blended families to talk about
and communicate what the rules are and what is the
acceptable culture for that family because it's probably very different
(23:05):
from both families of origin.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Okay, I've got some ticks here. I was a step mum.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
L L.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Somebody said I think it was.
Speaker 4 (23:17):
A step mum. So she's no longer in that reation.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Maybe I'll read the rest of the text and see
if it illuminates us a bit further. We had behavior
rules in our house. I then had a rule when
other parents weren't there. I e away overseas, then school trips,
sleep over schools, bad behavior outside the homes, et cetera.
Was the rules of the actual parents? How and I
to understand that? I am I was a step mum.
(23:40):
We had bad but we had behavior rules in our house.
I then had a rule when the other parents went there. Oh,
you just said it was the rules of that. Well,
I don't quite understand that. I guess they're saying that
you followed the rules of the of the real parents. Yes, yeah,
when they weren't there, and that's understood.
Speaker 5 (23:55):
Yeah, okay, yeah, so that's she's she's saying that she's
clearly delineat. For her, it was quite clearly delineated when
they were both in the house. Then they talked about
the rules. But when the parent of origin was out
of the house, she's stuck to his rules.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Got it?
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Yeah, that you put that?
Speaker 3 (24:10):
Well.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Thanks, was in a relationship for five years, lived with
three step kids. These children had no respect for their
own mother and will completely ignore me as well. Asked
my teenage step daughter over one hundred times to put
a dishes in the dishwasher. Her own mother couldn't even
get her to do that. Zera chance for me was
a contributing factor to the relationship ending.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
So I'm wondering in that kind of a situation, what
was the father of origin doing. Was he not supporting
the stepmother and wanting his child to put their dishes
in the dishwasher because that's a bit naughty.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
I mean their needs. Children need to be able to
put their dishes in the dishwasher.
Speaker 5 (24:46):
That's part of growing up and taking you know, doing
chores and learning how to live. So you know, where
was the father in this situation? Why wasn't he stepping
in and saying, hey, daughter, let's call her Sally argument sake,
could you put your dishes in the dish washer? Your
step mom has or that you my partner has asked you,
and that would be really nice if you could. Why
(25:09):
where was he and what was he doing? Because he
clearly wasn't supporting the notion of putting dishes in the dishwasher.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Here's one I was part of a blended family in
my early twenties. I was not impressed with my mother
I didn't like her male partner. I acted like a
petulant child, but eventually got on board. But I seriously
gave the look and silent treatment. Even apologized, apologized at
his funeral decades later.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Timmy, it's a bit late, isn't it. It's but later
at the funeral, nice thoughts.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
It says that this person did get on board, but
it says even apologized as funeral him and mum didn't
really care. But it did cause them hurt.
Speaker 5 (25:47):
I think it always does cause people hurt. And unfortunately,
in these blended families, there are sometimes the factor of
their parent on the outside, the parent that is not
part of the new situation causing issues. So there's a
lot of vat sometimes and people have to just navigate
their way through bad breakups and bad X relationships, which
(26:09):
doesn't make things easier. So it's, you know, it's a
really really tricky landscape sometimes.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Well here's one that says, when my stepmom married my dad,
she told me I have my own children, that you
are not my responsibility. I have not communicated whether her
since and call her the ice queen.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
Well that's pretty mean.
Speaker 5 (26:25):
It's pretty rude, and it's mean that's not that's from
the get go making a statement that's not very loving,
not very accepting, very marginalizing. So I can understand why
that person calls her the ice queen, although that's not helpful.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
Really is it name calling?
Speaker 2 (26:43):
Well, let's face it, I mean everyone does it, don't they.
I guess, you know, come on to them.
Speaker 4 (26:48):
We're better than that, are we?
Speaker 2 (26:53):
I mean? But in there, so, look, if I was
to try and interpret that, so she says, I have
my own kids, you're not my responsibility, that's mean. I
can imagine saying that. Look that you could say that
in a way that you just wanted them to know
that that.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
No, that's mean.
Speaker 5 (27:13):
No, you're making excuses for a mini She didn't need
to say that. She could have just said, Hey, let's
say Jessica, Jessica, you know, I know I'm not your mum,
but I really would love to have a relationship with you,
and we're in the same house and we both love
your dad, but you know, it would be really great
for you to pick up your dishes or whatever. I mean. No,
she did not need to say that. That immediately puts
(27:35):
up a wall.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
Tom, you're trying to be.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
The king I wonder whether sometimes one peerson says something
that I don't quite mean it that way, and whether
it gets interpreted in a certain way. Okay, when a
parent might be pointing out, look, obviously you're not responsibility.
Your father's probably your father's responsibility, and there might have been,
but you know, we are going to be living together.
Who knew what?
Speaker 4 (27:54):
You know?
Speaker 2 (27:54):
What I mean?
Speaker 5 (27:55):
I mean, you think of saying that to an eight
year old, how are they going to feel when some
I mean how old was the child? She doesn't actually
put the agent saying that to a teenager, Well, that's
a little crazy, because teenagers have got a lot going on,
you know, with maturation and all the rest of it.
But no, that's just not, in my view, the right
way to go around things. And that can be very
marginalizing and quite hurtful. And you're an adult and coming
(28:18):
you're getting your buddying up with their dad, You've got
to have some feeling and sensitivity around that. But also,
as people coming together in a new relationship, of course,
you have to talk about what is acceptable in the household.
And you know, a lot of relationships come under the
pump because they haven't done enough of this, and of
(28:39):
course some children see this, they see a light chink
in the armor and they capitalize on that.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Well that I mean that there's a bit of advice
in that, isn't there That For a start, as parents,
if you want it as stepparents, if you want to
make it work, you've got to make sure you have
a united front. I mean that's you do again. See
this is advice that you would have with parents, regardless
whether it's.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
That's right, tell me or not correct.
Speaker 5 (29:02):
Yeah, so they're not that diametrically posed. Then they're not
you know, families or families. And at the end of
the day, as a family, when you think of family,
you want to try and get on with your family members. Hey,
it doesn't always work out, but these children have a
lot to think about and a lot to sort through
and a lot of emotions when their mums and dads
(29:24):
split up. It's not an easy time for anyone really,
and it really isn't for the children.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
Right, we're going to take a quick moment. We'd love
to hear from you if you've if you'd like to
give us call eight hundred eighty ten eighty on how
you manage your blended family, or the difficulties or the
challenges and how you overcame them eight hundred eighty ten eighty.
As I say, a lot of the problems we could
talk about with blended families, imagine are applicable to pretty
much every family because regardless of parents, come of different
personality types and approaches to things. So eight hundred eighty
(29:52):
ten eighty, it's twenty minutes to six News Talks. B Yes,
welcome back to the Parents' Squad. My guest is Sarah
chat when she's a psychologist at Mind Works, and we're
talking about blended families. Here's one a question for us
for you, actually, Sarah, I'm not going to be able
to answer it. Some stepparents unkind to step children when
a parent is absent, the parent takes the partner's side,
(30:14):
and the child is unheard and hurt by the parent.
How do you handle that?
Speaker 5 (30:20):
Are you saying that the step parent is not being
nice to the child?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
I think the image would be the step parent is
like the sort of Grim's fairy tale stepparent that they
put on that they're not very nice when they're not
seen to be not very nice.
Speaker 5 (30:34):
So when they're not being watched when the other Oh no,
that's a terrible dynamic because then it puts a child
in the position of having to go back to their
parent of origin and say, Sally was really unkind to
me when you weren't here. That puts pressure on the relationship.
And then if the parent chooses their spouse or their partner,
(30:55):
that is a terrible look for how the child feels
about themselves. So that type of stepparent is not great.
And that's when I feel like in situation, parents need
to check in with their kids and see if there
is you know, if there are things that are going
on that you know, don't work. I've really only ever
heard about the situation where the parent that's the ex
(31:17):
has played up and is feeding and coaching children to
not like his step parent. That can be a bit
tricky for the dynamics, but that's terrible.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
The more as we more, as we talk about it,
you sort of think that that the issues faced by
blended families are not a hell of a lot different
to just any family. No, they really aren't, Mum, And
despite the you know, it's because it's all about consistency,
isn't it, and discipline that the kids are communicated with
such a way, in such a way that no matter
(31:45):
whether you do this in front of mum or dad
or stepmom or stepdad dad, these are the rules of
the house. Yes, and this is what's going to happen.
Speaker 5 (31:53):
If you have clarity around the rules, if you have
as a couple made decisions and disseminated that information or
given the information to the children in a way that's
you know, meaningful to them, there shouldn't be a lot
of rub But remember parents, step parents and anybody out
there that's parenting issues crop up.
Speaker 4 (32:13):
I mean kids and kids, adults are adults.
Speaker 5 (32:14):
We all go through our bits and bobs throughout the lifespan,
and so there are going to be little things that
we need to figure out and work through.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I think the other obvious one is that you get parents,
the step parent who goes and with an unrealistic expectation
of forming a really.
Speaker 4 (32:29):
Strong wind with again that yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
And you really have to just set your expectations not low,
but don't.
Speaker 5 (32:39):
Well without being cliched. Expectation mother of all disappointment. I mean,
you just don't have expectations. Just try to get alongside,
just spend a lot of time listening, ask a few questions.
Get to know these people, these children, because if you
want a good relationship with your partner, it's best to
try and work with it. It is very difficult if
(33:00):
there are outside forces coming into play, and that needs
to be discussed as well, you know, ex parents, you know,
having some kind of coaching.
Speaker 4 (33:08):
Position or whatever. But get to know these kids.
Speaker 5 (33:12):
And also if you feel like you don't want to
do any disciplining, then you do talk to your partner
about that, and he or she needs to step up
with regard to being the parent of origin, bringing you
along alongside as a friend and just trying to, you know,
create a really nice culture within this new family formation.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
There's a nice text from Steve here says I raised
three step kids. School projects were initial bonding times.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
That's nice.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I class these kids as mine and their kids have
only ever known me as granddad. We all have the
kind of relationship that normally I'm not sure about this
experience expression. He says that normally only comes from bloodlines,
but he means, you know, yes, yeah, actually that is
a great if you do have school school age kids, yes,
school projects are the perfect way.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Well we could go.
Speaker 5 (33:59):
Let's go deep. Let's go deeper than that. Find something
that you can do with your step children or that
you can be interested in with them.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
Go to their sports science That's what I was.
Speaker 5 (34:10):
Going to say, sport school activities. Find something, you know,
bring them on board and get on their level. Find
something that interests both of you, and just work at
it a bit.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Again, it sounds like the same advice you can give
to any parent.
Speaker 5 (34:26):
Because that's right, because it's a parenting experience.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
Well.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Also, I mean, people are so busy, and I'm sure
there are lots of parents who go. God, I wish
I didn't have this meeting on I wish my hours
went this because I'd love to be able to go
and support my kids at one of their netball, rugby, hocker,
hockey rowing award. That's right, and I think I mean
some Actually, I sometimes wonder whether the step moms and
dads actually make the effort more because that's.
Speaker 5 (34:53):
I think some definitely do. Yeah, I think some definitely
do because they're really trying to form a bond, and
I guess part of that is respecting their partner and
you know, really trying to get on board with what
they bring to the table.
Speaker 4 (35:06):
With this new relationship.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Well time flies, Sarah, thank you so much. If people
want to check out your work or get in touch,
then how can they do that.
Speaker 5 (35:14):
Yeah, they just need to go to dubdubdub dot mind
work stock code and endz and reach out and one
of the three team members will get back to them.
And yeah, it's been great to chat them. You're looking
very chipper, great conversations as always, and dapper. Feeling chapper
and looking dapper.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Nice to see us, Sarah, thanks to Hey, we'll be
back to at sports. Alex Powell's with us change of
cast did promise Superman in the form of Chris Reeve.
But we're going to be having a chat with Alex
Powell about Aukland f C. The game is underway and
also I have a little bit of a preview of
the IF one qualifiers up next with our sports rap
which is next. It's eleven minutes to six News Talks.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
He'd be for more from the weekend collective. Listen live
to News Talk ZB weekends from three pm, or follow
the podcast on iHeartRadio.
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk sib.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
All you wanted to run salv.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
All?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
You wanted to run sallis? Are you want to run
sail run out Salvy? Yes, Welcome back to the Weekend Collective.
(00:46):
I'm Tim Beveridge. And by the way, if you miss
any of our previous hours, we had Ed McKnight for
the one roof radio show talking about whether the golden
age of property was still was over and also a
panel panel with Irene Gardner and Brad Olsen. If you
want to check out those hours, go and look for
our podcast on News Talks. He'd be or Iheartrado and
we get them loaded pretty quick after we've wrapped up
(01:08):
each hour. But right now we're shifting on to another
the Parents Squad, And by the way, just quickly, I
do always like to sort of add a bit of
context just for this music we played. I was listening
that is of course Mustang Sally by the Commitments, and
you sort of think, oh, how old's that is? It
twenty years old, it's thirty four years old. That goes
back to nineteen ninety one. It's bliming. Time flies when
(01:30):
you're having fun. Anyway, this is the Parents Squad and
we're going to we want your calls on this as
well as to the rules in your family. If you've
got a blended family, because often so many families in
New Zealand are combining two families under one roof, which
can create challenges. You've got the question of you know
how to treat the kids consistently between parents when you've
(01:52):
got a couple of people who've got together, who may
have different ideas about raising kids. But you know what
happens when there are disagreements around the rules of the
house and under what sort of in what situation can
a step parent not necessarily discipline, but just say to
one of the kids who's from their partner, that listen,
that's not okay. What are the rules, what are the boundaries?
(02:13):
Who has to say in what parts of family life?
And we'd love to know how you've handled it if
you've had if you've in a blended family or have
been part of a blended family, how did you manage that?
Because if you want to go back to the tales
of the brothers grim the step mother or the stepfather,
I guess they were always evil. Hopefully we've moved on
(02:35):
a little bit since then, but yeah, how do you
manage the rules? And to discuss it been a little
while since we've had her on the show, actually, says
psychologist at mind Works and Sarah Chapman.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Get O Sarah, good a Tim, how are you?
Speaker 2 (02:47):
You're just pleased that I've got Sarah and not Sarah.
I got it right.
Speaker 5 (02:49):
I was waiting for you to add that h And
I was thinking, is he or isn't he going to do?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Oh no, I think there are Sarah's and Sarah's without
the ah who still go either way?
Speaker 4 (02:57):
Well it's a bit naughty, isn't it? And it's confusing?
So I get it.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
It's all right, Yeah, okay, that's good. That's good. I
mean it is, isn't it fun? I was just thinking that.
I randomly meant thought about the Brothers Grimm the other
day because of they've released the Snow White and I
looked up some of the old fairy tales, the original stories.
Those are pretty dark, and sts step mothers in particular
(03:23):
don't come out of it pretty well.
Speaker 4 (03:24):
They come off badly. I know.
Speaker 5 (03:26):
I think a lot has changed him. I've got to
say a lot has changed.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Well, thank goodness. Actually, even that, I always wonder whether
there's a better name than stepmother or step annotation anymore.
I don't think people's just set differently. There was a
time when.
Speaker 5 (03:40):
Yeah, well, I think that people these days are more
likely to take the approach of a friend as opposed
to a parent if they are under the same roof
as somebody else's children in terms of you know, the kids,
aren't these that they burst. So I think that often
people are trying to really facilitate a really nice friendship
between themselves and their step children. And to be fair,
(04:04):
a lot of people, you know, when you meet parents
and people with step children, do not use that as
an introductory you know, Monica. They say, oh, this is
X and y, And if they say, oh, is that
your daughter, then they might clarify it. People don't usually
ask ask, But yeah, I think the notion of embracing
(04:24):
other people's children in a friendly capacity and just you know,
looking after them, watching over them. But there's a yeah,
there's a whole lot of things to unpack in that
little and.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Of course it's probably worth no one actually just gets
if you have have had a former relationship and you've
got children with them from a former relationship. It's not
like the next person you meet you're going to move
in with. No, that's right because hopefully, but when you
do decide that you're going to spend your lives together,
whether it be the facta or get married, you actually,
(04:55):
hopefully yeah, meet with children of that imagine that it's like, oh,
let's get married. By the way, I better meet your kids.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
Well, I think exactly that could be a shocker.
Speaker 5 (05:03):
I think that people take time these days, if they are,
you know, on the dating scene, to not introduce their
children to anybody that may not be there for the
long haul, because you don't want to get children involved
in anything that's not necessarily going to last too long.
That can be a little bit discombobulating for them. So
(05:24):
when people make the decision to get together in the
splendid kind of fashion, I mean, it's really important to
perhaps take a little bit of time, a transitional phase,
even where you meet the children and you know, everybody
coexists but perhaps not in the same place, just to
get to know each other.
Speaker 4 (05:40):
A lot of people do that.
Speaker 5 (05:41):
Well.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
One would imagine that the most common scenario is that
the parents. It makes them sound like kids, isn't it.
But before you've moved it, before you actually have made
that commitment to live together, there's probably been the odd
sleepover Where are we going to go?
Speaker 4 (05:56):
There?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
There would be when you one person stayed over night
and you I mean, I guess that's not the way
to meet the kids. Is it's best to just meet
them rather the first thing in the morning?
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (06:07):
Well, I mean parents know their children the best, so
no psychologist or health professional or broadcaster can make those
kind of decisions. So parents need to just see where
their kids are at with regard to coping. How are
they going to cope with it? What resources do they
have to cope with this? Because it's quite confronting. I mean,
(06:28):
your mum and dad are no longer together. They're now
mixing with other people, and they have other people in
their lives. These people come from different places, different backgrounds,
at different stages of life. So it's a lot to
take on and parents really need to just you know,
sit in that for a while, work it out and
understand their children as they do best, and work out
(06:50):
what kind of a timeframe and when is the best
opportunity to introd make the introductions.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
How I mean, how do you are there any particular
I don't want to say rules as if it's one
size fits all, but things to avoid and things that
are actually okay, because if you've got, say you might
have two or three young kids with them where mum
and dad from previous relationships, but the idea of it's
not like Mum's always going to be around with her
(07:18):
kids there to monitor their behavior, because Mum might be
doing something else and the stepfather is there, yes, And
how do you set up those expectations on behavior where
you don't have to have the you're not my real father,
don't tell me what to do and all that sort
of thing, when in fact there would still have to
be some fairly there'd have to be understandings as to
(07:41):
what the authority of each step parent is, wouldn't they.
Speaker 5 (07:43):
And I think that becomes a little arguably becomes a
little easier when you are in the same house together
because it's not one parent's rules or the other parents' rules.
It's the parent's rules that they make together in that environment.
So there are rules of the house, and everybody abides
(08:04):
by the rules that have been put together by the
parents who are the architects of the destiny and the
architects of what goes on in that establishment. Because children
are children, they need direction, they need guidance.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I think that's where we're coming from, because to say
that that argument, you're going to get thrown in your
face by maybe an unhappy kid who's saying, you're you're
not my real mum or you're not my real dad.
You can't tell me what to do, when in fact
you do need to have that. I guess that is
it up to the you know, the actual parent to
spell out these are the rules, so when I'm not here.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Look, I think it is.
Speaker 5 (08:36):
I think it is actually easier for step parents or
other adults in that situation to have had that information
transmitted to the children by the parent of origin. I
think it's far easier if the parent of origin makes
has those conversations, because the children will say things, I mean,
(09:00):
kids are kids. They will say things, They'll try to
figure things out, and perhaps they will say things that
are a rude like you know, you're not my dad,
so I'm not listening to you. Of course, they might
push those boundaries. It's not necessarily acceptable, it's not pleasant,
it's not necessarily nice, but they're kids.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Yeah. Actually I was thinking I'm wondering if it is
slightly easier these days for one reason, we don't have
physical discipline allowed anyway, So there's no I mean that
would be you can imagine that would be a well
an absolutely absolute no no. But I mean because it's
people have to communicate in discipline and generally just just
(09:37):
with words. Really yes, So if you were spoken too
rudely as a step parent, I mean you could just
respond as a normal human being, say, do you think
it's okay to speak to.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
Me like that?
Speaker 2 (09:45):
That's right, in the same way a parent would say it. Anyway.
Speaker 5 (09:47):
Well, I mean every relationship in your life, key key
thing to consider as communication and keeping communication pathways open
if you are a parent, being available to children so
that they feel they can come to you and talk.
At the end of the day, people will have good
relationships with their step children and bad. It's just a
(10:08):
case of trying to work through and figure out how
those relationships unfold with the passing of time, because things
can change.
Speaker 4 (10:16):
Children grow well.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
Also in different you're bringing kids together from different families,
there'll be different the kids will have different interests and
some might have slightly more harmh maintenance and interests.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
I mean I can think of one obvious thing would
be if one child is involved in a really.
Speaker 4 (10:31):
Expensive sport, that's right.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
And how do you balance the needs of the other
kids without looking like, well, how comes such and such
as his favorite? Yeah, getting all but absolutely that's possibly
a challenge that every family has anyway.
Speaker 5 (10:43):
I think it is because when you have sibling relationships,
often there's a child that does something different to the
children that do things that are different to their siblings,
and they mean that there's more or less parental engagement.
So you'll get that in a lot of scenarios. But
those things, of course, they're all discussion points. And as
you get to know your partner, you will get to
(11:04):
know what he comes with in terms and or she
comes with in terms of blended families, And you know,
it is cool to just have a little bit of
a thought about that and figure that out and discuss
it and actually work through the implications of what it
means when you decide to, you know, put it all
under one.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Roof, because you wonder if it's almost it would be
a smart thing to do that if you decided, Look,
this is great. We're going to live together. We're going
to be one big family. But before we do this,
we're going to have a chat about how everything's going
to work in the house.
Speaker 4 (11:38):
It's a bit like how it looks.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I think the parenting place had that. This is a
different thing I'm remembering, but they have a contract around
getting a device. Yes, but the idea that you go
through a few I don't know. Is it over the
top to have not a written contract, but things where
you go through and say, okay, this is the rules
when mum's away then you know Tim's the boss. Yes,
(12:02):
and if you are going to speak, these are going
to be the consequence. Says he can take your phone
or he can switch your phone off, and I give
them you.
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Know, I think that's a lawyer and you coming out
in and around.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
I get what you mean having a talk about some points.
Speaker 5 (12:18):
Like no, I think that's really sensible, but I don't
think I mean, look cooking it well. I mean some
families a contract might work because that's you know, part
of that family culture. But I think also just allowing
children to understand and being very honest and upfront and
if dad is going away. Then Dad, you know, calls everybody.
You know, you have a bit of a family conference,
(12:38):
whether it's in the lounge, at the dinner table, or
you know, out on the deck, and you say, hell, listen,
I'm going away for five days in my absence Sally.
Because we had the song about Sally to begin with.
Speaker 4 (12:49):
Sally will be.
Speaker 5 (12:49):
Making these decisions, and I expect you to be respectful
to Sally. And if you do play up, Sally has
my you know, vote of confidence in terms of taking
your phone away. She has my consent. So guys, you know,
just treat Sally like the friends that she is having
those conversations very openly, very honestly. It's really really lovely
(13:11):
for parents and kids.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Okay, let's take some calls. Shirley. Hello, I've got the
perfect answer for this.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
Oh we want to hear it. Sheerley.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
I'm a mariage celebrant and this couple came to see me,
both with children and chatting with them. And then I
said to the husband, how did you get on with
I say, Sally's children. He said, oh, yeah, not ready.
Sometimes they're a little bit more difficult. You know, you
(13:47):
can't tell me what to do you're not my father,
So I said, leave it with me. So they went away,
and when they came back, I had done They had
done their vows, and I did the vowels for the children.
So what I did was the husband and then what
the bride and groom took their vows, and then I
(14:11):
and I had told them what I'm going to do.
And then I called up some days.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
Carol and Bob the children.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
And I spoke to the room and I said, now
that these two children will include you and your family,
will you do your best to have the best etcetera.
And buy severe sucks. And the kids thought it was
wonderful taking vows. Anyway, he rang me two weeks lay
to he did, I want to thank you for those.
Oh okay, he said. The other night I said to
(14:43):
the little one, come on, get ready for bed. She said,
you can't hang on a minute. Remember the wedding you
took some vowels, and she did years and she got
up and went straight and got for bed.
Speaker 4 (15:00):
That is a good one. I love that. That's so sweet.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Actually, that's I mean. I quite like that story as
well because Shirley, because they were incorporated into the marriage
ceremonial and it made.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
Them feel accepted and included and part of the whole.
I just love that. It's so sweet.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Do you think there was Do you think, Shirley, do
you think they had an extra sort of influence because
they're involved in something that actually was a celebration. It
was formalized in front of people, and it really made
the kids feel that they were part of the new team.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Absolutely made them feel so important.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
By the way the kids. The kids didn't know what
was coming, didn't they Everyone knew what the vows were
going to be. It didn't surprise them with the vows.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
Did you know, I'm just going to do some special
children the vows and I know that you love them
the kids.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Oh, the kids didn't know what you what they were
going to be vowing.
Speaker 3 (15:53):
And once taken their vows, the groom bent down and
gave them both a hug.
Speaker 5 (15:59):
Or that's really lovely. What a lovely thing to do,
my mother, I.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Actually think you're gift for them as well.
Speaker 4 (16:08):
Yeah, it's lovely, lovely, thank you, Sherley.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
I would tend to want the kids to know that
they were going to be called upon to do something,
because I think there'd be some kids who want to
run a mile.
Speaker 5 (16:17):
I think it's quite cool to actually just say, look,
we're going to incorporate you in this this service and
as long as they is what I mean. Yeah, No,
I don't think she totally put them in that spot.
But that's really cool, that's lovely.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Is there something about is there also something with.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
A voice of authority or somebody outside the family.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
I'm thinking about the fact that now Sheley was talking
about the couple getting married. Yes, but when kids have
come from, when they've come from a relationship that hasn't
worked out, hasn't worked out, you know, there would be
they might carry a certain cynicism about the permanence of relationships.
Speaker 5 (16:59):
No, I think those adult thoughts to children are not
necessarily cynical.
Speaker 4 (17:03):
You know, up until about fifty Dean.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
I don't mean cynical. I just mean not certain. I
don't mean as in like, oh, you know, as in
an adult this isn't well, no, not in that way.
Just how do I know that this is?
Speaker 4 (17:18):
I'll get you.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
The mum and dad split up, now you're together, how
important is it for them? I mean, how do you
manage that? Because you want kids to feel secure? And
yet relationships don't necessarily last. How do you know that's right?
Speaker 5 (17:31):
And that's the world that we live in now, you know,
rightly or wrongly, it just is. And I guess all that.
I think the key points for me are authenticity, honesty,
being able to talk them through the reality of relationships.
And you need to be aware of their age, because
you know there's limitations in terms of small children. Then
(17:51):
you move into middle childhood, they can understand more and
than teenagers. I mean, they're fully getting it. So you
just have to be you have to work out what
you can share. But being honest, and also kids need
to know the parents aren't perfect. You try as parents.
You let your kids know that you try, you try
to bring you know, your a game all the time.
(18:12):
Sometimes you don't measure up and that is just life
and it's okay. But being honest and also making sure
that they feel loved and that they feel accepted by
the parent and befriended by the other person.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Okay, because in fact, no, I'm not going to ask
another question. I will, but it'll be after the break
because otherwise I'll just kept talking. It's twenty five past five.
If you have been part of a blended family. How
did you navigate potential pitfalls just with having kids from
with who've had a different mum and dad and now
they've got a new couple, even though now that you're
(18:48):
part of a blended family, what rules did you have
and what pitfalls did you have to address? We'd love
to hear from you. Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty.
Sarah Chatwin is my guest. This is News Talks you
be it's coming up to twenty six past five. Yes,
(19:27):
welcome back to the Parents Squad. I'm Tim Beveridge. My
guest is Sarah chat When. She's a psychologist at Mind
Works talking about blended families. Actually, I've got a question
before we got us. We've got a bunch of texts here, Sarah.
But sometimes for a step parent, you might say, well,
you've got to sort of hopefully start from a position
of I mean, I'm not sure that people say you've
(19:48):
got to try and be friendly, but of course no
parent can be the friend. So how do you sort
of how does a parent become friendly with their new
step children without being sort of on the same level
where they don't have any authority, In other words, where
if that parent's on their own discipline.
Speaker 4 (20:07):
How do they do it well?
Speaker 5 (20:09):
I think again you need some very very clear direction
from the parent of origin as to what is acceptable
in their space of parenting because they have brought these
children up for a number of years without the step
parent obviously, so you need to talk about what is acceptable.
Speaker 4 (20:26):
I mean, what tone of voice.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
What if a child drops something on the floor and you,
as you're their stepparent, but you expect that the child
would help you, You would help them, they would help you,
or they would, you know, wipe it up. But if
it is in a different household the responsibility of the parent.
You've got to figure these things out. You have to
know what the acceptable parameters are for the parent of origin,
(20:50):
and then what they are for the step parent, and
then you need to find some really nice middle ground.
I do not feel comfortable at all thinking that step
parents take it on their you know, on their own
own shoulders to discipline another person's child when they haven't
known that child for a long time. I think that's
a really dodgy move to make, and I think there
(21:12):
needs to be a lot of conversation around.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
I was thanking. I can imagine that say like, for instance,
in our family where we're where we are both have
kids parents that if instead of time out, so for instance,
it's like, tell you what, why don't you you know,
why don't you just kind of take yourself off to
the room. I think if I was a stepfather and
I was disciplining the kids, I'm going to say, tell
you what, I'm not going to send you to your room.
(21:35):
I'm going to disapplear for the time being, i would
take myself out. I mean, I think i'd almost do
that rather than having to force the kid to go
and have time out, I'd say, well, one of us
is having time out, so I'm going to take it.
But discussing this with your mum when she gets home.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Yeah, But if the rules have been established in a
household of parents and stepparents, if the rules have been established,
then a rule is a rule, whether the parent or
stepparent is there. So if a child acts up, and
if the consequence for breaking that rule is that they
go to their room, whether the parent of origin says
it or those step parents says it is irrelevant. There
(22:11):
are rules that are specific to that household. If they
are broken, there is a specific outcome and a specific consequence.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
So it's just a question of communicating what it is.
So mum's going away and step dad's in control or something.
It's like, tell you what, I've had a discussion and
so this is the thing. If you behave in this manner,
then I have a consequence. You will lose your phone
for a few hours and no argument. Norm will back
that up. And so long as the kids know that
this I mean, actually be honest. It's sort of the
(22:39):
golden rule for any relationship, whether there's step families or not,
isn't it?
Speaker 4 (22:42):
It is?
Speaker 5 (22:43):
And if you look at it, it becomes quite an
easy kind of a dichotomy. It's, you know, this cause
and this effect the sandy you know, anteceden and this consequence.
So it's really important for blended families to talk about
and communicate what the rules are and what is the
acceptable culture for that family because it's probably very different
(23:05):
from both families of origin.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Okay, I've got some ticks here. I was a step mum.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
L L.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Somebody said I think it was.
Speaker 4 (23:17):
A step mum. So she's no longer in that reation.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Maybe I'll read the rest of the text and see
if it illuminates us a bit further. We had behavior
rules in our house. I then had a rule when
other parents weren't there. I e away overseas, then school trips,
sleep over schools, bad behavior outside the homes, et cetera.
Was the rules of the actual parents? How and I
to understand that? I am I was a step mum.
(23:40):
We had bad but we had behavior rules in our house.
I then had a rule when the other parents went there. Oh,
you just said it was the rules of that. Well,
I don't quite understand that. I guess they're saying that
you followed the rules of the of the real parents. Yes, yeah,
when they weren't there, and that's understood.
Speaker 5 (23:55):
Yeah, okay, yeah, so that's she's she's saying that she's
clearly delineat. For her, it was quite clearly delineated when
they were both in the house. Then they talked about
the rules. But when the parent of origin was out
of the house, she's stuck to his rules.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Got it?
Speaker 3 (24:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Yeah, that you put that?
Speaker 3 (24:10):
Well.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Thanks, was in a relationship for five years, lived with
three step kids. These children had no respect for their
own mother and will completely ignore me as well. Asked
my teenage step daughter over one hundred times to put
a dishes in the dishwasher. Her own mother couldn't even
get her to do that. Zera chance for me was
a contributing factor to the relationship ending.
Speaker 5 (24:31):
So I'm wondering in that kind of a situation, what
was the father of origin doing. Was he not supporting
the stepmother and wanting his child to put their dishes
in the dishwasher because that's a bit naughty.
Speaker 4 (24:42):
I mean their needs. Children need to be able to
put their dishes in the dishwasher.
Speaker 5 (24:46):
That's part of growing up and taking you know, doing
chores and learning how to live. So you know, where
was the father in this situation? Why wasn't he stepping
in and saying, hey, daughter, let's call her Sally argument sake,
could you put your dishes in the dish washer? Your
step mom has or that you my partner has asked you,
and that would be really nice if you could. Why
(25:09):
where was he and what was he doing? Because he
clearly wasn't supporting the notion of putting dishes in the dishwasher.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Here's one I was part of a blended family in
my early twenties. I was not impressed with my mother
I didn't like her male partner. I acted like a
petulant child, but eventually got on board. But I seriously
gave the look and silent treatment. Even apologized, apologized at
his funeral decades later.
Speaker 4 (25:35):
Timmy, it's a bit late, isn't it. It's but later
at the funeral, nice thoughts.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
It says that this person did get on board, but
it says even apologized as funeral him and mum didn't
really care. But it did cause them hurt.
Speaker 5 (25:47):
I think it always does cause people hurt. And unfortunately,
in these blended families, there are sometimes the factor of
their parent on the outside, the parent that is not
part of the new situation causing issues. So there's a
lot of vat sometimes and people have to just navigate
their way through bad breakups and bad X relationships, which
(26:09):
doesn't make things easier. So it's, you know, it's a
really really tricky landscape sometimes.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Well here's one that says, when my stepmom married my dad,
she told me I have my own children, that you
are not my responsibility. I have not communicated whether her
since and call her the ice queen.
Speaker 4 (26:24):
Well that's pretty mean.
Speaker 5 (26:25):
It's pretty rude, and it's mean that's not that's from
the get go making a statement that's not very loving,
not very accepting, very marginalizing. So I can understand why
that person calls her the ice queen, although that's not helpful.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
Really is it name calling?
Speaker 2 (26:43):
Well, let's face it, I mean everyone does it, don't they.
I guess, you know, come on to them.
Speaker 4 (26:48):
We're better than that, are we?
Speaker 2 (26:53):
I mean? But in there, so, look, if I was
to try and interpret that, so she says, I have
my own kids, you're not my responsibility, that's mean. I
can imagine saying that. Look that you could say that
in a way that you just wanted them to know
that that.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
No, that's mean.
Speaker 5 (27:13):
No, you're making excuses for a mini She didn't need
to say that. She could have just said, Hey, let's
say Jessica, Jessica, you know, I know I'm not your mum,
but I really would love to have a relationship with you,
and we're in the same house and we both love
your dad, but you know, it would be really great
for you to pick up your dishes or whatever. I mean. No,
she did not need to say that. That immediately puts
(27:35):
up a wall.
Speaker 4 (27:36):
Tom, you're trying to be.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
The king I wonder whether sometimes one peerson says something
that I don't quite mean it that way, and whether
it gets interpreted in a certain way. Okay, when a
parent might be pointing out, look, obviously you're not responsibility.
Your father's probably your father's responsibility, and there might have been,
but you know, we are going to be living together.
Who knew what?
Speaker 4 (27:54):
You know?
Speaker 2 (27:54):
What I mean?
Speaker 5 (27:55):
I mean, you think of saying that to an eight
year old, how are they going to feel when some
I mean how old was the child? She doesn't actually
put the agent saying that to a teenager, Well, that's
a little crazy, because teenagers have got a lot going on,
you know, with maturation and all the rest of it.
But no, that's just not, in my view, the right
way to go around things. And that can be very
marginalizing and quite hurtful. And you're an adult and coming
(28:18):
you're getting your buddying up with their dad, You've got
to have some feeling and sensitivity around that. But also,
as people coming together in a new relationship, of course,
you have to talk about what is acceptable in the household.
And you know, a lot of relationships come under the
pump because they haven't done enough of this, and of
(28:39):
course some children see this, they see a light chink
in the armor and they capitalize on that.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Well that I mean that there's a bit of advice
in that, isn't there That For a start, as parents,
if you want it as stepparents, if you want to
make it work, you've got to make sure you have
a united front. I mean that's you do again. See
this is advice that you would have with parents, regardless
whether it's.
Speaker 4 (29:00):
That's right, tell me or not correct.
Speaker 5 (29:02):
Yeah, so they're not that diametrically posed. Then they're not
you know, families or families. And at the end of
the day, as a family, when you think of family,
you want to try and get on with your family members. Hey,
it doesn't always work out, but these children have a
lot to think about and a lot to sort through
and a lot of emotions when their mums and dads
(29:24):
split up. It's not an easy time for anyone really,
and it really isn't for the children.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
Right, we're going to take a quick moment. We'd love
to hear from you if you've if you'd like to
give us call eight hundred eighty ten eighty on how
you manage your blended family, or the difficulties or the
challenges and how you overcame them eight hundred eighty ten eighty.
As I say, a lot of the problems we could
talk about with blended families, imagine are applicable to pretty
much every family because regardless of parents, come of different
personality types and approaches to things. So eight hundred eighty
(29:52):
ten eighty, it's twenty minutes to six News Talks. B Yes,
welcome back to the Parents' Squad. My guest is Sarah
chat when she's a psychologist at Mind Works, and we're
talking about blended families. Here's one a question for us
for you, actually, Sarah, I'm not going to be able
to answer it. Some stepparents unkind to step children when
a parent is absent, the parent takes the partner's side,
(30:14):
and the child is unheard and hurt by the parent.
How do you handle that?
Speaker 5 (30:20):
Are you saying that the step parent is not being
nice to the child?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
I think the image would be the step parent is
like the sort of Grim's fairy tale stepparent that they
put on that they're not very nice when they're not
seen to be not very nice.
Speaker 5 (30:34):
So when they're not being watched when the other Oh no,
that's a terrible dynamic because then it puts a child
in the position of having to go back to their
parent of origin and say, Sally was really unkind to
me when you weren't here. That puts pressure on the relationship.
And then if the parent chooses their spouse or their partner,
(30:55):
that is a terrible look for how the child feels
about themselves. So that type of stepparent is not great.
And that's when I feel like in situation, parents need
to check in with their kids and see if there
is you know, if there are things that are going
on that you know, don't work. I've really only ever
heard about the situation where the parent that's the ex
(31:17):
has played up and is feeding and coaching children to
not like his step parent. That can be a bit
tricky for the dynamics, but that's terrible.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
The more as we more, as we talk about it,
you sort of think that that the issues faced by
blended families are not a hell of a lot different
to just any family. No, they really aren't, Mum, And
despite the you know, it's because it's all about consistency,
isn't it, and discipline that the kids are communicated with
such a way, in such a way that no matter
(31:45):
whether you do this in front of mum or dad
or stepmom or stepdad dad, these are the rules of
the house. Yes, and this is what's going to happen.
Speaker 5 (31:53):
If you have clarity around the rules, if you have
as a couple made decisions and disseminated that information or
given the information to the children in a way that's
you know, meaningful to them, there shouldn't be a lot
of rub But remember parents, step parents and anybody out
there that's parenting issues crop up.
Speaker 4 (32:13):
I mean kids and kids, adults are adults.
Speaker 5 (32:14):
We all go through our bits and bobs throughout the lifespan,
and so there are going to be little things that
we need to figure out and work through.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
I think the other obvious one is that you get parents,
the step parent who goes and with an unrealistic expectation
of forming a really.
Speaker 4 (32:29):
Strong wind with again that yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
And you really have to just set your expectations not low,
but don't.
Speaker 5 (32:39):
Well without being cliched. Expectation mother of all disappointment. I mean,
you just don't have expectations. Just try to get alongside,
just spend a lot of time listening, ask a few questions.
Get to know these people, these children, because if you
want a good relationship with your partner, it's best to
try and work with it. It is very difficult if
(33:00):
there are outside forces coming into play, and that needs
to be discussed as well, you know, ex parents, you know,
having some kind of coaching.
Speaker 4 (33:08):
Position or whatever. But get to know these kids.
Speaker 5 (33:12):
And also if you feel like you don't want to
do any disciplining, then you do talk to your partner
about that, and he or she needs to step up
with regard to being the parent of origin, bringing you
along alongside as a friend and just trying to, you know,
create a really nice culture within this new family formation.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
There's a nice text from Steve here says I raised
three step kids. School projects were initial bonding times.
Speaker 4 (33:39):
That's nice.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I class these kids as mine and their kids have
only ever known me as granddad. We all have the
kind of relationship that normally I'm not sure about this
experience expression. He says that normally only comes from bloodlines,
but he means, you know, yes, yeah, actually that is
a great if you do have school school age kids, yes,
school projects are the perfect way.
Speaker 4 (33:58):
Well we could go.
Speaker 5 (33:59):
Let's go deep. Let's go deeper than that. Find something
that you can do with your step children or that
you can be interested in with them.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
Go to their sports science That's what I was.
Speaker 5 (34:10):
Going to say, sport school activities. Find something, you know,
bring them on board and get on their level. Find
something that interests both of you, and just work at
it a bit.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Again, it sounds like the same advice you can give
to any parent.
Speaker 5 (34:26):
Because that's right, because it's a parenting experience.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
Well.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Also, I mean, people are so busy, and I'm sure
there are lots of parents who go. God, I wish
I didn't have this meeting on I wish my hours
went this because I'd love to be able to go
and support my kids at one of their netball, rugby, hocker,
hockey rowing award. That's right, and I think I mean
some Actually, I sometimes wonder whether the step moms and
dads actually make the effort more because that's.
Speaker 5 (34:53):
I think some definitely do. Yeah, I think some definitely
do because they're really trying to form a bond, and
I guess part of that is respecting their partner and
you know, really trying to get on board with what
they bring to the table.
Speaker 4 (35:06):
With this new relationship.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
Well time flies, Sarah, thank you so much. If people
want to check out your work or get in touch,
then how can they do that.
Speaker 5 (35:14):
Yeah, they just need to go to dubdubdub dot mind
work stock code and endz and reach out and one
of the three team members will get back to them.
And yeah, it's been great to chat them. You're looking
very chipper, great conversations as always, and dapper. Feeling chapper
and looking dapper.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Nice to see us, Sarah, thanks to Hey, we'll be
back to at sports. Alex Powell's with us change of
cast did promise Superman in the form of Chris Reeve.
But we're going to be having a chat with Alex
Powell about Aukland f C. The game is underway and
also I have a little bit of a preview of
the IF one qualifiers up next with our sports rap
which is next. It's eleven minutes to six News Talks.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
He'd be for more from the weekend collective. Listen live
to News Talk ZB weekends from three pm, or follow
the podcast on iHeartRadio.
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