October 2, 2021 • 20 mins
We live in a world that allows us to filter and/or edit any pictures we put up online (whether on social media or dating apps). It can really mess with our self image. If we keep seeing ourselves filtered over and over again...we are going to be disappointed when we look in the mirror. It's okay to want to like what you look like in a picture, but to what extremes are we going through to get that perfect picture? And what if we displayed our personality more online instead of curating a bunch of perfect pictures? We have the ability to create a firm foundation of who we are and why we are online. When we have that foundation...we are less likely to seek affirmation from people on these platforms because we have it from ourselves.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out out well everything that
I'm made don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
it's beautiful and now will always out with if you
(00:24):
feel it. With joys in the air, she'll love to
the boom. I am there. Let's say good day and
did you and die out? Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy
here and I've got licensed therapist Captive Fada, host of
You Need Therapy Podcast here with me today. Lisa still
(00:45):
out with the baby, which we're so excited to have
her back very very soon. But in the meantime, we've
got cat which I'm super thankful for it. And I'm
going to share an email that Lisa and I received
on our our Outweigh email, which y'all can send us
notes if you would like. It's hello at Outweigh podcast
dot com. We would love to hear from you, and
(01:06):
this is a what we got. Hey. I'm writing today
after listening to Jared from Pennsylvania call into the Bobby
Bones Show to complain about how the women he's met
on dating apps are all thirty to forty pounds heavier
in person. Thank you for standing up to him. This
is such a sensitive issue for me, and I'm sure
for so many women and some men. I just wanted
to suggest dating apps in recovery for a potential topic.
(01:29):
I have struggled with eating disorders since the age of
thirteen and finally started getting professional help in two thousand
and eighteen, and I am currently mostly in recovery at
age thirty seven. The shame in struggles that I've had
with my body are among the main reasons I've put
such little effort into online dating because Jared's call today
(01:50):
represented one of my biggest fears that I'm going to
be disappointing, especially now at my restored weight, which I
acknowledge isn't a healthy way of thinking, but I'm working
on it. I wish people like Jared could understand how
complex self image can be. I honestly can't say that
I know what I look like. I see myself in
the mirror and then see myself in a picture or
(02:12):
on a zoom call for work, and I think, who
is that person? In pictures? I can look like an
entirely different person from one frame to the next after
making the mistake of reading the Facebook comments about this call,
I'm feeling even worse about selecting the right pictures for
my dating app should I eventually get back on one,
especially since I live in Austin, where I feel like
(02:34):
everyone is in great shape except for me. Anyway, thank
you again for the great work and reading this. It's
a tough mission to educate and support people on this
complex topic, but y'all are doing an excellent job, so
thank you for this email. I feel like there are
a lot of Jared's in the world, But Cat she
did ask for us to bring on an expert to
(02:58):
talk about this, I think or she suggested it as
a potential topic, and then I feel as though you're
much better equipped to address like what we're dealing with
as a whole as a society these days, with so
many people being judged online for how they look, not
only from others, but we're judging ourselves too. Yes, and
(03:20):
I will say I'm not an expert on dating apps,
but I think this is talking about a lot more
than that. And side note, I did a whole episode
on You Need Therapy that talks about dating apps and
the differences and the challenges and the pros and the
cons of all that. So that's one thing that I
would suggest her to listen to. But I also would
like to talk about this specific thing because I have
(03:42):
some feelings about it. Go for it. I'm not familiar
with what Jared said, and I'm not familiar with do
I need to Just basically, he was calling in talking
about how women are. He generalized that there are thirty
to forty pounds bigger than their photos, and he's like,
why are they doing this? They're tricking us, cat fishing
(04:02):
in a way. I don't remember the specific details of
the call, but I do know that he said that
in A couple of the girls that work on our
show that are on dating apps were very triggered by
his comments and it was very upsetting. Well, here's the
first thing is he's making this comment of like women
are thirty to forty pounds heavier than their pictures. First
of all, you what does that even mean? Because I
(04:22):
think that sends that message that we can judge somebody's
weight by what they look like, and you really can't.
You have no idea, no idea. And also, dating apps
can be somewhat superficial. Right, you're supposed to catch somebody's
eye by the first picture that they see. Also, it's
the swipe left, I think, or whatever the know is.
And so of course people are going to want to
(04:43):
put pictures out there that they think highlight them in
the best way aesthetically, and I think that is one
of the issues with dating apps in general. You're not
getting information about a person first, You're getting their best
curated picture. And everybody's putting their best pictures on, so
it gives them it's like competition, right. So I think
(05:05):
that's the first thing of just realizing that we're on
a platform that is highlighting and projecting and promoting our
looks are the most important thing in dating. I think
that's a message that we're getting. Right. Here's the other
thing I get that it makes me not want to
engage in this because wow, that's I don't want somebody
(05:27):
to think something negative about me, or I don't want
somebody to be disappointed in me. And the truth is,
some people will be disappointed in us, and some people
will have thoughts that aren't great about us. But we
can't make it all men are all women. I think
not everybody is a Jared yeah, no, not everybody is everybody,
(05:49):
And she was saying, it's not just happening to women,
but it's it's happening to men too. Yeah. So a
rule that I've created for that I suggest and promote
for my clients, and then also I've done this in
my own life is before you get on a dating app,
because of the way that they are created and what
they promote, it's important for you to decide what you
think about yourself before you get on there. So have
(06:09):
a foundation what do you believe about yourself before you
get on there, because people are going to have opinions.
Your opinion gets to be the most important opinion, the
very best important opinion, not all these opinions of other people.
So if somebody is disappointed by you, what you look
like or whatever, that's okay because you already have a
foundation of what you think. But if I don't have
(06:32):
a foundation of what I think, then what they're saying
about me is going to help create the message in
the opinion I have about myself. It's like adding fuel
to the fire already story yes, and then someone validates
it for you, You're like, Okay, yeah, that person is right,
when really they don't know, so we're in charge. We
have to take that power back. Yes, the other thing
(06:53):
that is hard and I want to know. I would
like to know your feedback on this too. What's hard
because of these dating apps it is picture based, and
because we live in a world where you can face
tune and edit and do anything and put a filter
on anything, is we have this like pool to make
sure that the pictures were putting putting up. There are
like the most extravagant best pictures ever. And I like
(07:15):
to throw the idea of what have you put pictures
out there that best describe what your life looks like
like you're out doing something. Yeah, you want a picture
of you, but it shouldn't be just like all the
best pictures of just your face edited with a filter.
It's like you want them to see your personality. You
don't want them to just see you. I mean, I'm
for that. I I don't have experience with dating apps
(07:36):
because I've been married for fifteen years, so that parts
tricky for me. But I do think that we could
carry this over. If you're not on a dating app,
you could look at what does your Instagram feed look like?
Or Facebook or whatever platform your what does your TikTok
look like? And what are you seeing back every day
of what you expect yourself to look like? Because are
(07:57):
you filtering every picture? Are you faced tuning all your stuff?
Do you feel the need before you throw something up
on social to make sure that you've doctored it so
that you've got the world's approval. Yeah. That part of
that email that I was like, oh man, is when
she was like, when I see myself in pictures and
I look at myself in the mirror, I'm like, who
is that person? Because when we take pictures, now that
(08:19):
we have a digital camera and we can see the
pictures and we can take as many as we want,
you are getting the perfect picture. You're getting the perfect angle.
When like I remember when I was younger, before digital camera,
I would always have a disposable camera. You had no
idea what the pictures are going to look like until
you got them, and then it was just like, that's
the picture we have. But now every picture that you're
(08:40):
gonna put in a frame or post on your Instagram,
you're gonna take five hundred of them. I posted this
last December. I was taking this selfie. I was actually
wearing that I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine. Sure, And
I was taking this selfie and I just wanted to
like post a picture of me because I had just
hung up my Christmas decorations and it was October and
I just wanted to post picture of that. And I
(09:03):
had when I opened up my camera, role probably fifty
pictures because I was trying to get yes, if a
self field me, that like wasn't even important, Like I
wasn't trying to remember that photo. I wasn't even trying
to get like I just wanted the perfect angle and
I wanted to be able to read the shirt and
see the Christmas tree and like wait, wait my face
looked weird there or whatever. So I tried to curate
(09:25):
this like perfect image. That picture wasn't important, But we
have the ability to do that, so we're doing it
all the time. So then then speaking to filters, like
I've stopped using that what's that like first filter that
you can just smooth your face Paris. I don't know
what it is. It's the first one and it's literally
it's magic. But I was going back and looking for
(09:46):
a picture one time on my Instagram. Are you taking
picture I'm talking, keep talking, keep talking. Yeah, it's I
just wanted to go away because I was looking for
a picture one time and I went back on you
can look at your old stories, and I was looking
at all these videos of me, and I was like,
oh my gosh, I was so cute. What happened? Like?
(10:07):
I was like, why don't I look like that anywhere?
What happened to my skin? What happened? And then I
was like, that is a filter. But I didn't know,
like I'd forgotten. If I'm seeing myself like that over
and over and over again, I'm going to think that
that's what I look like, and I'm gonna be disappointed
when I see myself in the mirror or when I
just take a regular picture. I wouldn't think that if
I had never seen myself with that right now. For me,
(10:28):
I know that on me, I noticed a big difference
between Paris and normal because I'm like, oh wow, but
as your friend, right now, I videoed you and I'm
swiping back from normal to Paris, and I feel like,
but I would not the same. I know, I'm like,
oh wow, so swaite that's Paris. To swipe back to
normal and it's not that much of a difference, but
(10:49):
that I would notice it on me too. So if
this is something that you also deal with on a
daily basis, then like Kat and I are obviously playing
this out low, that you're not alone, that this is
a real I don't want to overuse the word struggle,
but it is, like we've it's this temptation that's put
right before us, that makes with the click of a button,
(11:11):
makes any imperfection kind of go away or tired eyes
or wrinkled skin or blemish. But we don't look like that.
We have tired eyes and wrinkled skin and blemishes. I mean,
speak for yourselves. Just kidding, j K, j K, but
I'm guilty of through Lisa. Actually, Lisa Hey, co host
of this podcast with me, she put up a challenge
(11:33):
on Instagram where I don't know if she was like
an official challenge, but I felt personally challenged to not
use filters anymore because she was giving that a go.
So I stopped using it. But what I'll do now
is I'm super calculated of lighting and so it's not
a filter. Trust me. I don't just throw my camera
up in any old lighting because I'm like WHOA, I'm
shocked by it. But then I just you know, turn
(11:56):
a different way in the shadows are just right, or
I turned to under something, or I'm in my car
and I put down my visor light. Pro tip if
you're ever filming a video in your car, you can
lower your visor and open up the little the light
where you have a mirror, and that gives you great lighting.
So then therefore, in a way, that's kind of is
(12:16):
that a filter? Because I'm manipulating the situation to where
I've got good lighting, but I'm not using a filter.
Your thoughts, I don't know, well, I think I think
I do that. It's not okay to want to be comfortable,
It's okay. The thing here is it's okay to want
to like what you look like in a picture. It's
okay to want to feel good about the lighting in
(12:41):
a video. But to what extremes are we going to
do that? And then how is that affecting us when
we can't control those yes, So like, are you are
you derailed? Or you will keep you from posting something?
If you're not a can't get the perfect lighting filter
it or get the perfect lighting. If I being honest,
I probably I'm like, oh gosh, I don't know, but
(13:03):
like why I don't because because there's this expectation out
there that we can't show up as our authentic Here's
the challenge, though, because this is something that I'm really
working on. And this goes to dating apps and Instagram
remembering why were these things created? Why was Instagram created?
And why did you want to use it? You are
not on Instagram. I'm I'm making an assumption for you,
(13:23):
but you are not on Instagram to give a curiod
view of how perfect and wonderful your life and you are.
You are a very relatable person and person who shows
up is is authentically real with lighting with as as
I think it's appropriate. So ore is your goal on
Instagram to have everybody think you look good all the time?
Is that necessary? No? And what message am I sending
(13:45):
by always having this perfect lighting? Sometimes I'm in my
office and there's bad lighting and I can't find good
lighting and that's okay, And so I'm just going to
post this video. And I don't think anybody that watches
my stories is like, oh, she looks bad today appared
to yesterday when she was in her car. Nobody's thinking that,
so I have to go back to why would I
be posting a video so people think I'm pretty or
(14:06):
to get this message or this whatever I'm saying out well,
you know, bringing up like why Instagram was created in
the first place. A couple of weeks ago, an article
came out in the Wall Street Journal talking about how
Instagram is actually well, they say they're quote unquote working
on body image issues after a whole report was done
saying that it's toxic to teen girls and that Mark
(14:29):
Suckerberg has been aware of this for quite some time.
But it's like, well, they're not really doing anything about
it because they continue to make it easy to alter
yourselves and they continue to they make it. It's addicting
and we know it, and so we keep going back
for more. I don't want to get off topic, like
talking about being a teenager during these times, But if
(14:51):
you are an adult listening to this, and whether it's
you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on a dating
app or you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on
social media, it's kind of the same because people are
viewing you and you feel as though they're judging you.
Here's the other thing, too. Let me back up, I
feel nervous sometimes that because of me curating my lighting
(15:13):
in my videos that sometimes if listeners meet me out
in public in bad lighting, they're gonna be like, what
that is not what her face looks like? And that's
kind of what I guess what same thing. People dating
online are looking at pictures and then they meet the
person and they're like, what that's not what the person
looks like? So what do we do? I think that
we go back to the why is a dating app created?
(15:35):
A Dating apps were created to help people meet people.
Dating apps were created for people who either don't have time,
don't have the essential energy to make it easier for
people to meet people, to help them find partners if
that's what they want. And so you're saying, be intentional
about the content you curate on there and make sure
you're including you living your life, like what displays your personality,
(15:58):
and if you're attracting people that are going to judge,
there will be people on there that are going to
judge you. I think that's the issue. Is like, the
solution to the Instagram thing is not to just everybody
delete Instagram, and the solution for the dating app thing
might not be well, I just can't do dating apps anymore.
Because she's saying the email, I was like, I don't
(16:18):
know that I'm ready to get back into that because
it's so it's well. I think if you go to
the first part of I have to create a foundation
of knowing who I am, what I am, and what
I think about myself. After I do that, then I
can strategically what is the point of me going on
this dating app? What is the point of me being
on Instagram? Is it to get affirmation because I don't
have a foundation. I'll be honest. When dating apps were created,
(16:40):
heck yeah, I would download a dating app if I
was feeling bad about myself and I just wanted to
get some quick affirmation. Hopefully that's not what I would
be doing now. It's why am I on here? I'm
going to have people because the pool is so big
dating apps, you are connected to thousands of people where
you wouldn't be connected to those people before. So with
there's going to be more people who are not attracted
(17:02):
to you. There's going to be more people who are
judging you, There's gonna be more people who are you
name it. There's also going to be more people that
are going to be interested in you. And so it's
one knowing that that's just gonna happen. But if I
have my foundation, it's still gonna hurt. It never feels
good if somebody's like, I don't like you. But at
the same time, you already have a foundation, So it's
not going to be make it or break it. But
if we go back to why am I on the
(17:23):
dating mapp, it's not to just get affirmation. It's to
find a human that I connect with. To find a
human I connect with, I'm probably going to have to
weed through people who I don't connect with. And occasionally
you might be listening to a national radio show and
hear a guy named Jared call in and be completely rude.
Don't let that if like cats saying if your firm
(17:44):
and your foundation, the call may not affect you, it's
bad or maybe you have tools in your toki. I
know that's him, but I can see how I mean,
there was girls that were upset, like I felt the
need to like stand up for women. He can't he
I could see where girls would be upset if they
were on dating apps and they heard this jerk on
the air talking about how basically girls just put pictures up. Yeah,
(18:05):
and he's like, got this number of thirty pounds. It's
he that calls scary, Like his judgment is scary. I
don't like it, and I'm not saying that it's okay
at all. What I also know is we can't control
all of the Jareds in the world. You can only
control us, and so the Jareds are the janets because
some women might do it too, if you're a guy
(18:26):
listening or however you identify um. But if I'm also
looking at when we're creating dating apps, there's so much
pressure or dating your profile. What do you want to highlight?
Do you want to be the most attractive person on
the app? Or do you want to put out content
on your profile that shows who you are and be
proud of that, Like create a profile you are proud
(18:47):
of versus a profile you think is going to attract men.
That's a difference. Boom. End of story and good luck.
I hope that you get back on the dating apps.
And it's hard, yeah, especially if you feel like I
don't even want to touch on this comment because she
sort of ended it. It It was just like especially living
in Austin, a place where everybody is fit except me.
That's all or nothing too, And and that is a lie.
(19:11):
Yeah that's not true. It's not true. But that's something
that you're reiterating by especially even typing it out. So
we want you to know that that is not true,
and you have value and change that story and change
that the story everybody is fit except me as a
story that you have put in your head, and then
that changes the way you view things and you hear things.
So change that story. Give her an example of changing
(19:34):
the story. My fitness level is different than other people's
and that's okay. There you go, tell yourself that my
fitness level does not dictate my worth. A million things.
People are not friends with me or maybe want to
date me simply because of my fitness level. I'm not
looking for a partner who has attracted solely to my
fitness level. Like there's a million things, new stories, new stories,
(19:57):
all right, So there you go. Hopefully that was helpful
to some of you, And uh, don't forget. If you
want to email us, you can hit us up hello
at outweigh podcast dot com. Thank you cat Defata for
joining us. Hope y'all are on Instagram. Y'all can find
her at cat k A T dot de fata d
e f A T t a
I won't let my body out out well everything that
I'm made don't won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
it's beautiful and now will always out with if you
(00:24):
feel it. With joys in the air, she'll love to
the boom. I am there. Let's say good day and
did you and die out? Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy
here and I've got licensed therapist Captive Fada, host of
You Need Therapy Podcast here with me today. Lisa still
(00:45):
out with the baby, which we're so excited to have
her back very very soon. But in the meantime, we've
got cat which I'm super thankful for it. And I'm
going to share an email that Lisa and I received
on our our Outweigh email, which y'all can send us
notes if you would like. It's hello at Outweigh podcast
dot com. We would love to hear from you, and
(01:06):
this is a what we got. Hey. I'm writing today
after listening to Jared from Pennsylvania call into the Bobby
Bones Show to complain about how the women he's met
on dating apps are all thirty to forty pounds heavier
in person. Thank you for standing up to him. This
is such a sensitive issue for me, and I'm sure
for so many women and some men. I just wanted
to suggest dating apps in recovery for a potential topic.
(01:29):
I have struggled with eating disorders since the age of
thirteen and finally started getting professional help in two thousand
and eighteen, and I am currently mostly in recovery at
age thirty seven. The shame in struggles that I've had
with my body are among the main reasons I've put
such little effort into online dating because Jared's call today
(01:50):
represented one of my biggest fears that I'm going to
be disappointing, especially now at my restored weight, which I
acknowledge isn't a healthy way of thinking, but I'm working
on it. I wish people like Jared could understand how
complex self image can be. I honestly can't say that
I know what I look like. I see myself in
the mirror and then see myself in a picture or
(02:12):
on a zoom call for work, and I think, who
is that person? In pictures? I can look like an
entirely different person from one frame to the next after
making the mistake of reading the Facebook comments about this call,
I'm feeling even worse about selecting the right pictures for
my dating app should I eventually get back on one,
especially since I live in Austin, where I feel like
(02:34):
everyone is in great shape except for me. Anyway, thank
you again for the great work and reading this. It's
a tough mission to educate and support people on this
complex topic, but y'all are doing an excellent job, so
thank you for this email. I feel like there are
a lot of Jared's in the world, But Cat she
did ask for us to bring on an expert to
(02:58):
talk about this, I think or she suggested it as
a potential topic, and then I feel as though you're
much better equipped to address like what we're dealing with
as a whole as a society these days, with so
many people being judged online for how they look, not
only from others, but we're judging ourselves too. Yes, and
(03:20):
I will say I'm not an expert on dating apps,
but I think this is talking about a lot more
than that. And side note, I did a whole episode
on You Need Therapy that talks about dating apps and
the differences and the challenges and the pros and the
cons of all that. So that's one thing that I
would suggest her to listen to. But I also would
like to talk about this specific thing because I have
(03:42):
some feelings about it. Go for it. I'm not familiar
with what Jared said, and I'm not familiar with do
I need to Just basically, he was calling in talking
about how women are. He generalized that there are thirty
to forty pounds bigger than their photos, and he's like,
why are they doing this? They're tricking us, cat fishing
(04:02):
in a way. I don't remember the specific details of
the call, but I do know that he said that
in A couple of the girls that work on our
show that are on dating apps were very triggered by
his comments and it was very upsetting. Well, here's the
first thing is he's making this comment of like women
are thirty to forty pounds heavier than their pictures. First
of all, you what does that even mean? Because I
(04:22):
think that sends that message that we can judge somebody's
weight by what they look like, and you really can't.
You have no idea, no idea. And also, dating apps
can be somewhat superficial. Right, you're supposed to catch somebody's
eye by the first picture that they see. Also, it's
the swipe left, I think, or whatever the know is.
And so of course people are going to want to
(04:43):
put pictures out there that they think highlight them in
the best way aesthetically, and I think that is one
of the issues with dating apps in general. You're not
getting information about a person first, You're getting their best
curated picture. And everybody's putting their best pictures on, so
it gives them it's like competition, right. So I think
(05:05):
that's the first thing of just realizing that we're on
a platform that is highlighting and projecting and promoting our
looks are the most important thing in dating. I think
that's a message that we're getting. Right. Here's the other
thing I get that it makes me not want to
engage in this because wow, that's I don't want somebody
(05:27):
to think something negative about me, or I don't want
somebody to be disappointed in me. And the truth is,
some people will be disappointed in us, and some people
will have thoughts that aren't great about us. But we
can't make it all men are all women. I think
not everybody is a Jared yeah, no, not everybody is everybody,
(05:49):
And she was saying, it's not just happening to women,
but it's it's happening to men too. Yeah. So a
rule that I've created for that I suggest and promote
for my clients, and then also I've done this in
my own life is before you get on a dating app,
because of the way that they are created and what
they promote, it's important for you to decide what you
think about yourself before you get on there. So have
(06:09):
a foundation what do you believe about yourself before you
get on there, because people are going to have opinions.
Your opinion gets to be the most important opinion, the
very best important opinion, not all these opinions of other people.
So if somebody is disappointed by you, what you look
like or whatever, that's okay because you already have a
foundation of what you think. But if I don't have
(06:32):
a foundation of what I think, then what they're saying
about me is going to help create the message in
the opinion I have about myself. It's like adding fuel
to the fire already story yes, and then someone validates
it for you, You're like, Okay, yeah, that person is right,
when really they don't know, so we're in charge. We
have to take that power back. Yes, the other thing
(06:53):
that is hard and I want to know. I would
like to know your feedback on this too. What's hard
because of these dating apps it is picture based, and
because we live in a world where you can face
tune and edit and do anything and put a filter
on anything, is we have this like pool to make
sure that the pictures were putting putting up. There are
like the most extravagant best pictures ever. And I like
(07:15):
to throw the idea of what have you put pictures
out there that best describe what your life looks like
like you're out doing something. Yeah, you want a picture
of you, but it shouldn't be just like all the
best pictures of just your face edited with a filter.
It's like you want them to see your personality. You
don't want them to just see you. I mean, I'm
for that. I I don't have experience with dating apps
(07:36):
because I've been married for fifteen years, so that parts
tricky for me. But I do think that we could
carry this over. If you're not on a dating app,
you could look at what does your Instagram feed look like?
Or Facebook or whatever platform your what does your TikTok
look like? And what are you seeing back every day
of what you expect yourself to look like? Because are
(07:57):
you filtering every picture? Are you faced tuning all your stuff?
Do you feel the need before you throw something up
on social to make sure that you've doctored it so
that you've got the world's approval. Yeah. That part of
that email that I was like, oh man, is when
she was like, when I see myself in pictures and
I look at myself in the mirror, I'm like, who
is that person? Because when we take pictures, now that
(08:19):
we have a digital camera and we can see the
pictures and we can take as many as we want,
you are getting the perfect picture. You're getting the perfect angle.
When like I remember when I was younger, before digital camera,
I would always have a disposable camera. You had no
idea what the pictures are going to look like until
you got them, and then it was just like, that's
the picture we have. But now every picture that you're
(08:40):
gonna put in a frame or post on your Instagram,
you're gonna take five hundred of them. I posted this
last December. I was taking this selfie. I was actually
wearing that I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine. Sure, And
I was taking this selfie and I just wanted to
like post a picture of me because I had just
hung up my Christmas decorations and it was October and
I just wanted to post picture of that. And I
(09:03):
had when I opened up my camera, role probably fifty
pictures because I was trying to get yes, if a
self field me, that like wasn't even important, Like I
wasn't trying to remember that photo. I wasn't even trying
to get like I just wanted the perfect angle and
I wanted to be able to read the shirt and
see the Christmas tree and like wait, wait my face
looked weird there or whatever. So I tried to curate
(09:25):
this like perfect image. That picture wasn't important, But we
have the ability to do that, so we're doing it
all the time. So then then speaking to filters, like
I've stopped using that what's that like first filter that
you can just smooth your face Paris. I don't know
what it is. It's the first one and it's literally
it's magic. But I was going back and looking for
(09:46):
a picture one time on my Instagram. Are you taking
picture I'm talking, keep talking, keep talking. Yeah, it's I
just wanted to go away because I was looking for
a picture one time and I went back on you
can look at your old stories, and I was looking
at all these videos of me, and I was like,
oh my gosh, I was so cute. What happened? Like?
(10:07):
I was like, why don't I look like that anywhere?
What happened to my skin? What happened? And then I
was like, that is a filter. But I didn't know,
like I'd forgotten. If I'm seeing myself like that over
and over and over again, I'm going to think that
that's what I look like, and I'm gonna be disappointed
when I see myself in the mirror or when I
just take a regular picture. I wouldn't think that if
I had never seen myself with that right now. For me,
(10:28):
I know that on me, I noticed a big difference
between Paris and normal because I'm like, oh wow, but
as your friend, right now, I videoed you and I'm
swiping back from normal to Paris, and I feel like,
but I would not the same. I know, I'm like,
oh wow, so swaite that's Paris. To swipe back to
normal and it's not that much of a difference, but
(10:49):
that I would notice it on me too. So if
this is something that you also deal with on a
daily basis, then like Kat and I are obviously playing
this out low, that you're not alone, that this is
a real I don't want to overuse the word struggle,
but it is, like we've it's this temptation that's put
right before us, that makes with the click of a button,
(11:11):
makes any imperfection kind of go away or tired eyes
or wrinkled skin or blemish. But we don't look like that.
We have tired eyes and wrinkled skin and blemishes. I mean,
speak for yourselves. Just kidding, j K, j K, but
I'm guilty of through Lisa. Actually, Lisa Hey, co host
of this podcast with me, she put up a challenge
(11:33):
on Instagram where I don't know if she was like
an official challenge, but I felt personally challenged to not
use filters anymore because she was giving that a go.
So I stopped using it. But what I'll do now
is I'm super calculated of lighting and so it's not
a filter. Trust me. I don't just throw my camera
up in any old lighting because I'm like WHOA, I'm
shocked by it. But then I just you know, turn
(11:56):
a different way in the shadows are just right, or
I turned to under something, or I'm in my car
and I put down my visor light. Pro tip if
you're ever filming a video in your car, you can
lower your visor and open up the little the light
where you have a mirror, and that gives you great lighting.
So then therefore, in a way, that's kind of is
(12:16):
that a filter? Because I'm manipulating the situation to where
I've got good lighting, but I'm not using a filter.
Your thoughts, I don't know, well, I think I think
I do that. It's not okay to want to be comfortable,
It's okay. The thing here is it's okay to want
to like what you look like in a picture. It's
okay to want to feel good about the lighting in
(12:41):
a video. But to what extremes are we going to
do that? And then how is that affecting us when
we can't control those yes, So like, are you are
you derailed? Or you will keep you from posting something?
If you're not a can't get the perfect lighting filter
it or get the perfect lighting. If I being honest,
I probably I'm like, oh gosh, I don't know, but
(13:03):
like why I don't because because there's this expectation out
there that we can't show up as our authentic Here's
the challenge, though, because this is something that I'm really
working on. And this goes to dating apps and Instagram
remembering why were these things created? Why was Instagram created?
And why did you want to use it? You are
not on Instagram. I'm I'm making an assumption for you,
(13:23):
but you are not on Instagram to give a curiod
view of how perfect and wonderful your life and you are.
You are a very relatable person and person who shows
up is is authentically real with lighting with as as
I think it's appropriate. So ore is your goal on
Instagram to have everybody think you look good all the time?
Is that necessary? No? And what message am I sending
(13:45):
by always having this perfect lighting? Sometimes I'm in my
office and there's bad lighting and I can't find good
lighting and that's okay, And so I'm just going to
post this video. And I don't think anybody that watches
my stories is like, oh, she looks bad today appared
to yesterday when she was in her car. Nobody's thinking that,
so I have to go back to why would I
be posting a video so people think I'm pretty or
(14:06):
to get this message or this whatever I'm saying out well,
you know, bringing up like why Instagram was created in
the first place. A couple of weeks ago, an article
came out in the Wall Street Journal talking about how
Instagram is actually well, they say they're quote unquote working
on body image issues after a whole report was done
saying that it's toxic to teen girls and that Mark
(14:29):
Suckerberg has been aware of this for quite some time.
But it's like, well, they're not really doing anything about
it because they continue to make it easy to alter
yourselves and they continue to they make it. It's addicting
and we know it, and so we keep going back
for more. I don't want to get off topic, like
talking about being a teenager during these times, But if
(14:51):
you are an adult listening to this, and whether it's
you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on a dating
app or you're not feeling comfortable in your skin on
social media, it's kind of the same because people are
viewing you and you feel as though they're judging you.
Here's the other thing, too. Let me back up, I
feel nervous sometimes that because of me curating my lighting
(15:13):
in my videos that sometimes if listeners meet me out
in public in bad lighting, they're gonna be like, what
that is not what her face looks like? And that's
kind of what I guess what same thing. People dating
online are looking at pictures and then they meet the
person and they're like, what that's not what the person
looks like? So what do we do? I think that
we go back to the why is a dating app created?
(15:35):
A Dating apps were created to help people meet people.
Dating apps were created for people who either don't have time,
don't have the essential energy to make it easier for
people to meet people, to help them find partners if
that's what they want. And so you're saying, be intentional
about the content you curate on there and make sure
you're including you living your life, like what displays your personality,
(15:58):
and if you're attracting people that are going to judge,
there will be people on there that are going to
judge you. I think that's the issue. Is like, the
solution to the Instagram thing is not to just everybody
delete Instagram, and the solution for the dating app thing
might not be well, I just can't do dating apps anymore.
Because she's saying the email, I was like, I don't
(16:18):
know that I'm ready to get back into that because
it's so it's well. I think if you go to
the first part of I have to create a foundation
of knowing who I am, what I am, and what
I think about myself. After I do that, then I
can strategically what is the point of me going on
this dating app? What is the point of me being
on Instagram? Is it to get affirmation because I don't
have a foundation. I'll be honest. When dating apps were created,
(16:40):
heck yeah, I would download a dating app if I
was feeling bad about myself and I just wanted to
get some quick affirmation. Hopefully that's not what I would
be doing now. It's why am I on here? I'm
going to have people because the pool is so big
dating apps, you are connected to thousands of people where
you wouldn't be connected to those people before. So with
there's going to be more people who are not attracted
(17:02):
to you. There's going to be more people who are
judging you, There's gonna be more people who are you
name it. There's also going to be more people that
are going to be interested in you. And so it's
one knowing that that's just gonna happen. But if I
have my foundation, it's still gonna hurt. It never feels
good if somebody's like, I don't like you. But at
the same time, you already have a foundation, So it's
not going to be make it or break it. But
if we go back to why am I on the
(17:23):
dating mapp, it's not to just get affirmation. It's to
find a human that I connect with. To find a
human I connect with, I'm probably going to have to
weed through people who I don't connect with. And occasionally
you might be listening to a national radio show and
hear a guy named Jared call in and be completely rude.
Don't let that if like cats saying if your firm
(17:44):
and your foundation, the call may not affect you, it's
bad or maybe you have tools in your toki. I
know that's him, but I can see how I mean,
there was girls that were upset, like I felt the
need to like stand up for women. He can't he
I could see where girls would be upset if they
were on dating apps and they heard this jerk on
the air talking about how basically girls just put pictures up. Yeah,
(18:05):
and he's like, got this number of thirty pounds. It's
he that calls scary, Like his judgment is scary. I
don't like it, and I'm not saying that it's okay
at all. What I also know is we can't control
all of the Jareds in the world. You can only
control us, and so the Jareds are the janets because
some women might do it too, if you're a guy
(18:26):
listening or however you identify um. But if I'm also
looking at when we're creating dating apps, there's so much
pressure or dating your profile. What do you want to highlight?
Do you want to be the most attractive person on
the app? Or do you want to put out content
on your profile that shows who you are and be
proud of that, Like create a profile you are proud
(18:47):
of versus a profile you think is going to attract men.
That's a difference. Boom. End of story and good luck.
I hope that you get back on the dating apps.
And it's hard, yeah, especially if you feel like I
don't even want to touch on this comment because she
sort of ended it. It It was just like especially living
in Austin, a place where everybody is fit except me.
That's all or nothing too, And and that is a lie.
(19:11):
Yeah that's not true. It's not true. But that's something
that you're reiterating by especially even typing it out. So
we want you to know that that is not true,
and you have value and change that story and change
that the story everybody is fit except me as a
story that you have put in your head, and then
that changes the way you view things and you hear things.
So change that story. Give her an example of changing
(19:34):
the story. My fitness level is different than other people's
and that's okay. There you go, tell yourself that my
fitness level does not dictate my worth. A million things.
People are not friends with me or maybe want to
date me simply because of my fitness level. I'm not
looking for a partner who has attracted solely to my
fitness level. Like there's a million things, new stories, new stories,
(19:57):
all right, So there you go. Hopefully that was helpful
to some of you, And uh, don't forget. If you
want to email us, you can hit us up hello
at outweigh podcast dot com. Thank you cat Defata for
joining us. Hope y'all are on Instagram. Y'all can find
her at cat k A T dot de fata d
e f A T t a
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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