November 1, 2016 • 34 mins
James’s father’s dying wish was for his ashes to be disposed of on the 18th hole of a fancy private golf course. That was 16 years ago. In this episode, James, Jonathan, and their friend Howard attempt a golf heist to get into the club and set things right.
Credits
Heavyweight is hosted and produced by Jonathan Goldstein.
This episode was also produced by Chris Neary and Kalila Holt. The senior producer is Wendy Dorr.
Editing by Alex Blumberg and Jorge Just.
Special thanks to Emily Condon, Stevie Lane, Derek Hurst, Stephen Hughes, and Jackie Cohen.
The show was mixed by Haley Shaw.
Music for this episode by Christine Fellows, with additional music by Paul De Jong, Blue Dot Sessions, Benny Reid, Caspar Babypants, and Hew Time. Our theme song is by The Weakerthans courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by Haley Shaw.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Pushkin horrible timing six kids in my house, two parents
and getting kids ready for Halloween. Jonathan Goldstein calling for
doctor Jackie Cohen.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
I gotta go.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Wait wait, wait, hello Jackie.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Do you know what?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Okay, you're a doctor, right, hurry up. I'm starting to realize,
like in the past year, I'm I'm hurry. I'm pretty convinced. Hi,
I'm losing hair. You're bald, balding, bald. It's a process,
so bald. Now I'm trying to figure out if it's
(00:54):
a symptom of something to go, John, I got to go.
The party starts in fifteen minutes. You're having a party
at your house. Why didn't you invite me over? Do
you want to just do the show? Or from Gimblet Media.
(01:22):
I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight Today's episode. James.
When he was a kid, James loved taking long walks
with his dad, Douglas. Douglas was a film buff, and
(01:45):
during these walks, he'd recount the plot to every movie
he'd ever seen. Hitchcock Kubrick. James loved it, and when
he grew older and finally got to see the actual
movies as good as they were, They often paled beside
the versions his dad told something of a dreamer and
an eccentric. Douglas lived his life as though he himself
(02:06):
were a character in a movie. He died that way too.
On his deathbed, he issued an unexpected final request.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
The request was that we scatter his ashes on the
eighteenth hole of the golf course he loved.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Each of Douglas's kids was handed a different task regarding
the estate. James was put in charge of the ashes.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
My dad was probably the most important person to me
outside obviously my wife and kids. When he died and
when the will was recorded, I wasn't there. You were
actually there.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
I think I was there. Douglas was nearing the end
and urgently needed to sign his will, and James, who
lived out of town, couldn't make it in time, so
he asked me and our other good friend Howard, to
go to his father's bedside and bear legal witness to
the signing of the will. To this day, James still
carries around a lot of regret about not being able
(03:10):
to be there, Although I know it's unlikely. My memory
of that day is of Douglas wearing an ascot tucked
into his hospital robe, regardless of whether he actually was.
Douglas was the kind of man who always gave the
impression of wearing an ascot. As always he was gentlemanly
(03:31):
and cordial, this in spite of the fact that he
would pass away within the next forty eight hours. Douglas
was born an illegitimate child in a poor part of
England and raised by a single mom. As a young man,
(03:52):
he felt judged and carried with him the feeling of
always having to prove himself, even going so far as
to effect a posh, upper class accent. For Douglas, golf
was the domain of the wealthy and sophisticated, and having
his ashes placed on the eighteenth hole of his beloved
golf course, an event that James says he probably envisioned
being accompanied by bagpipes and artillery, would mean finally receiving
(04:16):
his due. But James has yet to honor his father's request.
It's now been sixteen years. Is it just procrastination?
Speaker 4 (04:26):
That's what I told myself. Yeah, I can vividly remember,
you know, a day afterwards, thinking oh, yeah, the simplest thing.
In fact, it seems so simple that we'll get to it.
And now sixteen years later. It's very complicated, I think,
to be honest with you, there's part of me that
(04:47):
wants to hold on to them because it's.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
My dad. And so the earn moved from mantles to
closets for a long time. It even knocked around in
the trunk of James's car. It now sits on a
shelf in his basement. Do you think it would be uh,
(05:11):
would it be a load off your head if you
were able to spread the ashes?
Speaker 4 (05:17):
The amount of times I cried, you know, going on
about how what a terrible son I was to not
honor his request, and the guilt I have about the
way he died, and you know I didn't deal with
it well, and it's all a piece he as he
(05:38):
got sicker and sticker. He wanted to go home desperately,
and myself and my siblings decided he could not go
home because he was a hoarder.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Though it wasn't clear that he ever used them. Douglas
had an entire room filled solely with golf clubs, having
lived through the war. He also saved empty TV dinner trays,
old microwaves, and broken radios that he'd find on the street.
Speaker 4 (06:04):
We decided he could not go back there, and he
was so upset about that, and he went out just.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Really angry.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
He just wanted to go home. I can't fix the
way he died, but this was his one request and
I haven't honored it. And not only would I be
putting to bed something that's been just dogging me for years,
I think I'd also feel pretty proud of myself that
(06:35):
I'm the person I want to be.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Since the person I want to be is the person
who helps people be the people they want to be.
I asked James if he'd like me to help him
lay his father's ashes to rest, and James said, yes,
would you want to do that?
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Yeah, of course I do.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
The objective infiltrate Douglas's fancy old golf course and scatter
the ashes the obstacles except the genarian narcs with prying eyes,
not to mention the fact that scattering earthly remains is
against the law. For this to work, we need the
right team. James was the key man, our entry point
into the operation, and I was the bank bank rolling
(07:19):
the green for expenditures. All that was missing was a
front man. We needed a person of quick wit back
bat cat, sat fat, someone cool under pressure. We needed
that's arm here. Howard. Not only was Howard our oldest friend,
(07:39):
but he was there with me the day the will
was signed and the directive was given. And to top
it off, Howard never met a grift, swindle or flim flam.
He didn't think was eggs and the coffee. Okay, fill
your pockets with extra after dinner mints at the local diner.
Check avail yourself. Avill gained coffee refills through a counterfeit
Russian Seniors card double check. Howard was always on the
(08:03):
make and up for anything. The date had been set Sunday,
which also, as it happens, was Father's Day. The team
was in place. We just needed to sort out logistics.
Thursday eight forty eight pm. Howard, Hey, Hi, Hi, Hi, Hello, Hey,
(08:27):
I'm on the phone with James.
Speaker 4 (08:29):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I just wanted to get us all together to strategize
a little bit. So, Howard, is there any wisdom or
experience that you could bring to bear from you know,
past things that you've done like this.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
From my previous heist experience. Yeah, well we shouldn't do
as we get too high. Yeah, in one some booze
maybe might help steal our nerves.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
So do you want to try to go there and
play golf?
Speaker 2 (08:58):
No, I've never golfed.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
I don't know how to golf, so I've never golfed either.
And it's the eighteenth hole too, so I wish it
was the first hole because we could just go and
suck and then do our thing.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah, it simply needs the eighteenth hole.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Right, eighteenth hole, it's a last hole.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
But if there's someone there watching us, how we how
do we do it?
Speaker 3 (09:17):
The clubhouse is near the eighteenth hole. It looks over
at eighteenth sole, so that's another challenge.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
What the clubhouse?
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Clearly there was a lot of work to be done.
Nine pm. A quick look at the golf course website
reveals a very specific dress code polo shirts, belts, golf shoes,
something called a tilly hat. If wearing a polo shirt
(09:47):
with some kind of bonnet wasn't embarrassing enough, the rules
explicitly stated that all shirts were to be tucked in
to your pants. For this to work, we need to
honor the dress code to a t. In short, we
need the best disguises money could buy. And as the bank,
it was my job to secure the Greenbacks a brief
(10:09):
parlay with Gimblet founder and CEO Alex Bloomberg. I'm told
my budget is fifty dollars, to which I say, but
I've already promised the crew I take them shopping at
j C. Penny and now I'll look like an idiot,
to which he says what crew, and I say never mind.
Alex then tells me to take it up with Matt
because he's in the middle of a boardroom meeting. But
(10:30):
Matt scares me, so I just convert the green to
Canadian travelers checks, a safe, responsible move. So Alex, if
you're listening, you should at least cover the service fees.
Except you probably aren't listening because you're too busy with
your precious startup. So although it probably wasn't the kind
of establishment James's Poshdad Douglas would approve of, we'd need
(10:51):
to hit the only place we could afford. Please after you,
all right, Friday, twelve thirty six pm. It turns out
the sports section of a goodwill can be a pretty
sad place. Unstrung badminton rackets, water logged nerf footballs you
only hope are logged on water.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
And one boxing glove.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
That's that's the.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
As an advanced student of the heist film as genre,
I know that when pulling off a big job, the
perfect outfit is crucial. Think Michael Kine's lux white turtleneck
in The Italian Job or Elliott Gould's neckerchief in Ocean's Eleven.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
They have some very nice slacks here, I will say,
and the prices are very affordable.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
You want to try on the polo shirts, not exactly
Frankie Munez is wrap around shades and agent Cody Banks,
but it'll have to do.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Look at these two.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Ooh, it's like rayon. The good news is that the
Goodwill has changing rooms. The bad news is that there's
only one, and it's about the size of a bus
station toilet stall. I'm going to come in with you,
but since we are a a team and be absolutely
fearless together, we cram in and like any team would
(12:04):
strip completely naked.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
That might be the I.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
It bears, mentioning that the shirt Howard is referring to
is creamsicle orange and bears the logo of a plumbing company,
and luckiest of lucky days, he's found the exact same
shirts for me. And James this way. He reasons, we
can all match like a crew.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
It's supposed to look good.
Speaker 5 (12:31):
It's golfing.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Oh man, Howard, James and I have known each other
since we're teenagers. Back then we used to hang out
like this all the time, just doing goofy stuff. But
we now live in separate cities with wives, kids, jobs,
and we never get to do this kind of thing anymore.
Standing around in the middle of the afternoon, laughing in
the buff with old friends feels nice. So this is good.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
We got We've got shirts, and I got a belt.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
As we exit into the parking lot are plastic sacks
plump with glad rags. Something straight up magical happens.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Before getting too excited about what we think we might
be seeing, possibly, we wait confirmation from the man who
can spot a con a mile off a double rainbow.
It's legit a double rainbow. And even Howard's impressed mildly,
and so James and I give ourselves over Fully overcome
(13:37):
by this fortuitous sign, the crew was moved to song.
Speaker 5 (13:41):
So its red and purple and crimson and green apple and.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
A rainbow was a good omen Like James's dad, Douglas
was looking down on us and smiling a big, multicolored
upside down smile, and Jen Blue. Sure we were dressed
to the eighteens, but if we each took forty five
minutes to sink a ball from two feet away, we
(14:06):
might attract suspicion. We needed to train hard. I'm talking
rocky running through waist high Russian snow hard, a montage
of steel drum musicians learning to play Chariots of Fire
set to the tune of Ayah the Tiger hard. I'm
talking actually learning how to play golf. We find a
(14:32):
driving range in the fancier part of town and book
a golf pro by the name of Stephen. Saturday, one pm.
Are you Stephen, Hey, Stephen, I'm Jonathan, This is Howard,
and this is James. This is Stephen. Stephen a smile
with more dimples than the golf balls. He lovingly cradles
(14:54):
a tall drink of sports aqua velva ou de toilette
if ever there was Stephen's been golfing professionally for over
twenty years and couldn't be nicer or better. Smelling and
considering the frantic barrage of imbecilic questions, we ask he
also couldn't be more patient.
Speaker 5 (15:12):
Those official call shoes. Yeah, well, I want good questions
and stupid what a golfers think about?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Like happy gilmore like mo like that. They find that
they find it insulting.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
After a brief lecture on the basic how to's hit
ball with stick, cold stick, with hands, get ball in hole,
we're ready, we insist James go first. After all, this
is his mission. What we want of these really is
finish it.
Speaker 4 (15:38):
Just like this.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Yere, we're gonna get to the well.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Stephen tenderly positions James hips and elbows. Howard grabs my
microphone and golf commentates.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
I'd say he looks really really horrible.
Speaker 6 (15:50):
It's just ridiculous looking. I'm not encouraging.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Somehow, James manages to connect on his very first try.
That's good.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Everyone's saying very encouraging things.
Speaker 7 (16:04):
But it's really horrible just the same.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
But he got it.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
It went in the air and he hit it.
Speaker 5 (16:07):
It's like you say to a child's.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Good you hit it. Stephen looks over at Howard, who
now squats in the grass, untying and retying his two
left footed Goodwill issued golf shoes and then he looks
over at me, a grown man in a two large
tilly hat, strings cinched tight enough beneath the chin to
ensure the clenched, jawed vocal affect of a young Katherine Hepburn.
(16:30):
He waives us to come hither, offering up something in
the way of inspiration.
Speaker 5 (16:36):
I'm gonna try to make it go from right to left.
Speaker 4 (16:38):
It must feel really good when you get it up
in the air like that.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Well, it's great because that's the goal, right, is to
get it up.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
The golf ball flies straight up into the air, and then,
as though eerily achieving human consciousness in mid flight, suddenly
takes a sharp left. Wah so cool. Howard, baptized in
the backsplash of Stephen's pheromones, is born again. He's seen
the pinnacle of male perfection. And James, it is not see.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
James, that's what it looks like. That's when a man
hits a golf ball.
Speaker 5 (17:12):
A male of the species is a golf ball.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Next up is Howard. He steps to the tee, grips
the club, and just the way Stephen instructed, does this
adorable waddle back and forth to get his footing just so,
And then did you hear that, Let me play it
again thrice. A swing and a miss, A swing and
(17:36):
a miss, A swing and a miss.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
That's too much a little bit if you're losing your
balance between fast. The first twenty five.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Years are tough, oh, Steven, all this and funny too.
My attempts were just as fruitless. As it turns out.
Golf is hard. We wonder if Douglas knew just how
difficult a mission he'd sent us on.
Speaker 4 (17:59):
How would do we do without a golf pro standing
there helping us?
Speaker 1 (18:03):
You know the difference between golf clubs, and.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
There's a wet Oh I don't, not really, I mean
I know it's a.
Speaker 5 (18:11):
Ledge driver, putterer one iron, two iron, three iron, pudder
driver pudder.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
One.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Nine am. It's the night before the job, and the
reality of our situation begins to set in. How can
any sting be stung when the would be stingers absolutely
stink at golf. Clearly this plan wasn't going to work,
and so at a quarter to two in the morning,
panic set in.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
It's impossible. It's impossible for us to play golf. We
would suck so hard we would never make it off.
The first fucking hole and if we knocked the balls anywhere.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Yeah, I'm with you.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
It's like learning how to fucking juggle. It's like it's
it's an incredibly impossible thing to do. It's gonna be
so obvious that there's something's up because we've never fucking golfed.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yeah, that's the issue. If we're doing any sort of subterfuge,
we're gonna be the most obvious conspicuous.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
People in the world, vicious.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
And then we'll have to get all the way to
the eighteenth holl That takes hours, literally hours, even if
you're good, literally and then try to with the ashes
out forget it.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Two fifteen am. Do you guys know what? Stomp rockets
are growing desperate, we chuck the old plan and begin
to free associate new plans.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
We did a T shirt cannon. Well you know actually
that that could work.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Three zho five am.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
What if we dumped them into say, like a balloon
and then filled it with water and then whip them
so they'll explode all on the eighteenth green and that's it.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
This was going nowhere. So I raised the possibility of
our pulling off a night job for those of you
squares who need to be hept to it. That's a
job one performs at night.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I think they might have dogs. What if they think
we're like terrorists or something super super posh exclusive club
going late at night with someone's human remains, which is
fucking totally illegal.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Yeah, I mean they must have some sort of security there.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Well a hundred percent the sun was coming up soon,
So I suggest that, like in Dog Day Afternoon or
Reservoir Dogs, or really any other movies about dogs that
I've also not seen but can only assume have happy,
heartwarming endings, maybe we just show up during the day
and hope for the best. This idea, Okay, that works
for me, they liked. After the break the a team
(20:27):
of golf sets off on its mission.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Oh, I want to be golf lung win and you
can be mister t t e R. Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I want one of mine?
Speaker 2 (20:36):
You just know it's wedge. Your your Reginald van cleef.
Speaker 5 (20:56):
Yous want to drink Scotch yet?
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Maybe on ice? Sure?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Sunday eight ten am, Father's Day arrives, a beautiful one
in Montreal. Janie says it's a lot like the day
Douglas died. We all rendezvous at the safe house, which
also happens to be Howard's wreck room. James has held
on to his dad's urn for sixteen years, but he's
always kept it in the velvet bag it came with,
(21:23):
so he's never actually handled it. Earlier in the day, though,
in anticipation of the job, he withdrew it. And if
there was any question about just how much Douglas loved golf,
it was immediately answered by what was revealed. Etched into
the side of the urn was a golfer in mid swing.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
It hears to you, Dad, don't think some of Brussy's
poop bags that are actually uncented, which is kind of nice.
We're going to use these to chants for some of
James's beloved's father's ash isn't here.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Howard had the idea of using his pugs poop bags
to separate the ashes into portions for each of us.
His reasoning, should one of us get pinched by some
golf clubhouse Johnny Law, the two surviving members of the
crew could still carry out the job.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Oh my god, this is so strange.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Oh I want a business.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I don't know what a business. I definitely what a
fucking business.
Speaker 4 (22:18):
Well, I'm glad you've got I'm glad, I'm I've had
a couple drinks, still getting off. I don't know, but
I'm really glad you guys are doing this with me,
You're part of this thing. For sixteen years, there was
there was this sort of fear that I wouldn't be
able to handle dealing with it, the physicality of it.
But if if there's something I'm now grateful for it,
and I wonder if there was some wisdom in it,
is that he has compelled me to deal with this.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
I've never cursed him for it.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
But I've been angry. I've never been angry, but I've
been I don't know what the word is, sort of
like fuck. You know, you couldn't just go without, you
couldn't just die. You had to make this somewhat absurd,
ridiculous request that was impractical and almost impossible to achieve.
But I'm right saying right now kind of almost grateful
for it. So let's uh, let's hope, let's hope we're
(23:04):
successful today.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Eight twenty five am.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
As we set off on the job, Howard shows doubts
about his outfit.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I look like a fat failure of a dentist.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
I looked like I lost my practice because I put
dentures in a child's mouth.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
As we near the golf course, James grows silent, Am
I have part in a space?
Speaker 5 (23:33):
All right?
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Good show? How are you feeling nervous? I'm going to
park near here, just for a quick getaway from the
parking lot. We wind our way towards the green. Maybe
it's testament to a tillie had cocked at just the
right angle. But nobody seems to be stopping us. We
have infiltrated, like how manicured it is.
Speaker 5 (23:57):
It's like it's like it looks like like a pool table,
as it was a pile of ashes there in the middle.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
The golf course is what you'd expect, green grass as
far as the eye can see, trees, ponds, It's beauty,
full and under normal circumstances, it'd make us feel peaceful like,
but just now it's making us feel out of place,
reminding us of who we are. Three frightened middle aged
men dressed in discarded plumbing company uniforms, struggling under the
(24:24):
weight of our bulky knapsacks and a mission that just
now feels too big. For us, I don't should we
just try to go to the eighteenth hole or should
we go in? And that's I believe that's it isn't.
As it turns out, the eighteenth hole is the whole
(24:46):
nearest the parking lot. That red flag is your destination
screen of.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
The eighteenth hole, and that is it. It is the
most conspicuous hole. So thanks a lot that Right now,
right now, we're going to watch even now living one.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
We just to play it cool case the joint. We
make our way to the ninth hole, which is out
of view, and it's here that fear sets in and
with it bargaining.
Speaker 4 (25:20):
The ninth hole, Dad, right here be perfect. I could
go with the whole earned dump it. Maybe he liked
the screen, he liked the whole, he liked the whole
golf course.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
It wasn't his.
Speaker 4 (25:27):
But I know this is the back nine.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
I know he liked the bat next denial.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
That's my question.
Speaker 5 (25:32):
Why don't your dad, who is an avid golfer, who's
probably really really serious for those games, why would he want.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
To put his ashes on the green which would interfere
with another golfers.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I suggest we cool our heels in the clubhouse. And
the boys agree. It turns out that that evening is
a Father's Day banquet, so the staff is rushing to prepare,
which allows us to wander around relatively unnoticed. The club
goes back about one hundred years, and on the walls
are hung old brown and white photos and plaques commemorating
(26:03):
the members who've died fighting in both World Wars. Since
almost the start of our mission, James had expressed a
fear that maybe no one at the club would even
remember his dad. Douglas was just such a loner that
over the years James had never met any of his friends.
As far as he knew, he didn't really have any
There was a lot about his dad he didn't know,
(26:24):
like whether he was even any good at golf. So
we was hoping he might find some small trace of
him here, a photo, or even his name on a
list somewhere. Oh the registreet we find a large, old
looking book that lists every champion in the course's history. Wow,
it goes back to nineteen oh three.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Passage and Williamson. I mean, I'm sure he's probably documented
in some books somewhere. It's just, of course I'll find it.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Do you want to check that book. Did you look
through willis?
Speaker 6 (26:56):
Yeah, I didn't see any of her.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Since the book won't talk, we look for someone who will.
We stop every staff member and golfer who looks old
enough and ask if they remember Douglas.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
I'm saying it was Douglas.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
Sarch the past away in two thousand, were hoping to
find some sort of inside of him.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Fight.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
The name is a ring a bell. Doug was Hirst
a long time ago. People who remember and I played
six in the morning.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
So the only guys I know are the grass.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I didn't know him yet, No Dice until Doug Hurst.
Speaker 7 (27:26):
You guys knew him.
Speaker 5 (27:27):
Sure, that's his son.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
In a basement room, squeezed into an armchair watching golf
on TV is Serge. A French Canadian bulldog of a man.
He pours fistfuls of mixed nuts into his mouth, which
he washes down with generous slugs from his beer.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Cruizy dog.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
That's you.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Through the half jar of fancy cocktail nuts crammed into
his grizzled maw. You might not be able to understand
the words Sarge is desperately trying to choke out. He's
saying crazy Doug. Crazy Doug is his nickname for James's dad. Oh,
I'm so glad I found someone who remember him.
Speaker 5 (28:08):
We asked a few people and not too many, you'll know,
Bambernham help me find in maybe a staff member who
had been here a while that no one knew a
lot of You know, I'm him very well.
Speaker 4 (28:16):
So is he a good golf player?
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Was he good?
Speaker 6 (28:18):
It was a good golfer. Yeah, he was like was
it eight or nine handicap? Okay, Oh, that's very good.
Speaker 7 (28:29):
He is like the top five percent of all the
golfers in the world. So he was very good.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
He was very good, and he was dedicated. The room
full of golf clubs that James had thought was garbage,
Sarah spoke of it with respect. He called it the largest,
most complete collection of golf clubs in all of Canada.
You never want to hear someone refer to a person
you love by a pet name prefixed by the word crazy.
(28:57):
But the benefit is that when they tell you stuff
about your dad, you know they're being honest. So when
Sarah says what he says next, James knows he can
believe him.
Speaker 7 (29:07):
I don't think I have ever met somebody as brilliant
as your dad, the level of knowledge about every day.
But on the other side, he was also very I
wasn't too shy isolated like executive. Yeah, he quickly alone.
(29:28):
We saw him very rarely on the clubhouse.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
I think it was because he was a bit of
a loner.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
But he did love.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
People, and he loved the people here, and he did
love all his friends here. But he really loved to
come at six in the morning when he could just
do his thing. That was very my father. That's what
I really used to say, dude, it's very my father.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
And it's not that he didn't like people.
Speaker 5 (29:46):
He just liked to.
Speaker 4 (29:47):
Do things at his speed, his way and be done
because he was sort of a loner.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
He was a loner.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
He's my father.
Speaker 6 (29:54):
You're the son of your father.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
And with that, it's time for James to become the
son his father had asked him to be and do
the job we came for.
Speaker 5 (30:10):
It's a great Now we're just we're just walking around,
we're members, remembers sons.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
We head back outside and walk with purpose to the
eighteenth hole. As fate would have it, the coast is clear.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Actually, James, right now, turn your head right now here
just just kind of just just kind of cool.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
Yeah, tire shoe, tire shoe, this opportunity right now.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Let's walk with him.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
With Howard on his left and me on his right.
We walked James out to the green, doing our best
to protect him from view. Yeah, but we're walking with you.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Say something, maybe I will.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
I will say something in my head.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
Do you want to say something in your head?
Speaker 4 (30:49):
Yeah, I'm just saying something in my head.
Speaker 5 (30:50):
Okay, Well, we're actually doing this. This is incredible because
you're actually doing it right now.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
This is actually happening.
Speaker 5 (31:01):
He's actually putting his dad's ashes right on the eighteenth hole,
just like he wanted.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
We didn't think this would be possible.
Speaker 5 (31:06):
Actually, James just tip just how he put He just
dumped it right now the eighteenth hole.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
I got it right in the hole.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
That felt really good. I'm really glad right in the
hole exactly. I feel great.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
I feel awesome.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Howard and I are feeling pretty good too. This is
the last time James would ever get to do something
his dad had asked him to do, and we're proud
to be a small part of it. We put our
arms around our friend's neck and pat his back.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Okay, well you got back home.
Speaker 6 (31:47):
That's incredible.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Happy father's Day, Happy father's Day.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Happy father's Day.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Worked out perfectly. And James is right, it has kind
of worked out perfectly. Sure, unlike the end of heist
films like Reservoir Dogs, we weren't sipping drinks from a
coconut on a beautiful beach. But James had become the
person he wanted to be, and I'd become the person
who helped him become the person he wanted to be.
And Howard, well, he'd become the person who fills up
(32:17):
a dog poop bag with free golf clubhouse dinner mint.
So while in all it was a happy ending.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
Thank you guys for doing this, James had a fistful
of his father's ashes in his hand, and he walked
onto that green like a dawn bend onto one. He
tipped his hat and just dumped it right into the
hole and clean right in the hole. That was a
hole in one. That's what I would say.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Now that the Fernitures returned to its goodwill.
Speaker 4 (33:12):
Now that the last month's rant is skeidening.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
With the damage to the pole, take this moment to
the save.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
If we imagine, if we.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Too felt around for far too from things good Accident.
Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me Jonathan Goldstein along
with Chris Neary and Khalila Holt. The senior producer is
Wendy Dore, editing by Alex Bloomberg and Jorge Just special
(33:49):
thanks to Emily Condon, Stevie Lane, Derek Hurst, Stephen Hughes,
and The Good Doctor Jackie Cohen. The show is mixed
by Hailey Shaw, music by Christine Fellows. Additional music credits
for this episode can be found on our website Gimbletmedia
dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by the
Weaker Thands to See If Epitaph Records, and our ad
(34:11):
music is by Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at
Heavyweight or email us at Heavyweight at gimbletmedia dot com.
We'll have a new episode next week.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Well wait, I have an idea. I'm on the eighteenth hole.
I will literally collapse, like literally fake heart attack type shit.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Probably wouldn't work. What if we got a drone like
you know those little paradrones and put a bag in it,
punched a hole bag and flew the drone over.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
You know how they say, with brainstorming, there's no bad ideas.
These are bad ideas.
Pushkin horrible timing six kids in my house, two parents
and getting kids ready for Halloween. Jonathan Goldstein calling for
doctor Jackie Cohen.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
I gotta go.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Wait wait, wait, hello Jackie.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Do you know what?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Okay, you're a doctor, right, hurry up. I'm starting to realize,
like in the past year, I'm I'm hurry. I'm pretty convinced. Hi,
I'm losing hair. You're bald, balding, bald. It's a process,
so bald. Now I'm trying to figure out if it's
(00:54):
a symptom of something to go, John, I got to go.
The party starts in fifteen minutes. You're having a party
at your house. Why didn't you invite me over? Do
you want to just do the show? Or from Gimblet Media.
(01:22):
I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight Today's episode. James.
When he was a kid, James loved taking long walks
with his dad, Douglas. Douglas was a film buff, and
(01:45):
during these walks, he'd recount the plot to every movie
he'd ever seen. Hitchcock Kubrick. James loved it, and when
he grew older and finally got to see the actual
movies as good as they were, They often paled beside
the versions his dad told something of a dreamer and
an eccentric. Douglas lived his life as though he himself
(02:06):
were a character in a movie. He died that way too.
On his deathbed, he issued an unexpected final request.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
The request was that we scatter his ashes on the
eighteenth hole of the golf course he loved.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Each of Douglas's kids was handed a different task regarding
the estate. James was put in charge of the ashes.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
My dad was probably the most important person to me
outside obviously my wife and kids. When he died and
when the will was recorded, I wasn't there. You were
actually there.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
I think I was there. Douglas was nearing the end
and urgently needed to sign his will, and James, who
lived out of town, couldn't make it in time, so
he asked me and our other good friend Howard, to
go to his father's bedside and bear legal witness to
the signing of the will. To this day, James still
carries around a lot of regret about not being able
(03:10):
to be there, Although I know it's unlikely. My memory
of that day is of Douglas wearing an ascot tucked
into his hospital robe, regardless of whether he actually was.
Douglas was the kind of man who always gave the
impression of wearing an ascot. As always he was gentlemanly
(03:31):
and cordial, this in spite of the fact that he
would pass away within the next forty eight hours. Douglas
was born an illegitimate child in a poor part of
England and raised by a single mom. As a young man,
(03:52):
he felt judged and carried with him the feeling of
always having to prove himself, even going so far as
to effect a posh, upper class accent. For Douglas, golf
was the domain of the wealthy and sophisticated, and having
his ashes placed on the eighteenth hole of his beloved
golf course, an event that James says he probably envisioned
being accompanied by bagpipes and artillery, would mean finally receiving
(04:16):
his due. But James has yet to honor his father's request.
It's now been sixteen years. Is it just procrastination?
Speaker 4 (04:26):
That's what I told myself. Yeah, I can vividly remember,
you know, a day afterwards, thinking oh, yeah, the simplest thing.
In fact, it seems so simple that we'll get to it.
And now sixteen years later. It's very complicated, I think,
to be honest with you, there's part of me that
(04:47):
wants to hold on to them because it's.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
My dad. And so the earn moved from mantles to
closets for a long time. It even knocked around in
the trunk of James's car. It now sits on a
shelf in his basement. Do you think it would be uh,
(05:11):
would it be a load off your head if you
were able to spread the ashes?
Speaker 4 (05:17):
The amount of times I cried, you know, going on
about how what a terrible son I was to not
honor his request, and the guilt I have about the
way he died, and you know I didn't deal with
it well, and it's all a piece he as he
(05:38):
got sicker and sticker. He wanted to go home desperately,
and myself and my siblings decided he could not go
home because he was a hoarder.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Though it wasn't clear that he ever used them. Douglas
had an entire room filled solely with golf clubs, having
lived through the war. He also saved empty TV dinner trays,
old microwaves, and broken radios that he'd find on the street.
Speaker 4 (06:04):
We decided he could not go back there, and he
was so upset about that, and he went out just.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Really angry.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
He just wanted to go home. I can't fix the
way he died, but this was his one request and
I haven't honored it. And not only would I be
putting to bed something that's been just dogging me for years,
I think I'd also feel pretty proud of myself that
(06:35):
I'm the person I want to be.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Since the person I want to be is the person
who helps people be the people they want to be.
I asked James if he'd like me to help him
lay his father's ashes to rest, and James said, yes,
would you want to do that?
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Yeah, of course I do.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
The objective infiltrate Douglas's fancy old golf course and scatter
the ashes the obstacles except the genarian narcs with prying eyes,
not to mention the fact that scattering earthly remains is
against the law. For this to work, we need the
right team. James was the key man, our entry point
into the operation, and I was the bank bank rolling
(07:19):
the green for expenditures. All that was missing was a
front man. We needed a person of quick wit back
bat cat, sat fat, someone cool under pressure. We needed
that's arm here. Howard. Not only was Howard our oldest friend,
(07:39):
but he was there with me the day the will
was signed and the directive was given. And to top
it off, Howard never met a grift, swindle or flim flam.
He didn't think was eggs and the coffee. Okay, fill
your pockets with extra after dinner mints at the local diner.
Check avail yourself. Avill gained coffee refills through a counterfeit
Russian Seniors card double check. Howard was always on the
(08:03):
make and up for anything. The date had been set Sunday,
which also, as it happens, was Father's Day. The team
was in place. We just needed to sort out logistics.
Thursday eight forty eight pm. Howard, Hey, Hi, Hi, Hi, Hello, Hey,
(08:27):
I'm on the phone with James.
Speaker 4 (08:29):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
I just wanted to get us all together to strategize
a little bit. So, Howard, is there any wisdom or
experience that you could bring to bear from you know,
past things that you've done like this.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
From my previous heist experience. Yeah, well we shouldn't do
as we get too high. Yeah, in one some booze
maybe might help steal our nerves.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
So do you want to try to go there and
play golf?
Speaker 2 (08:58):
No, I've never golfed.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
I don't know how to golf, so I've never golfed either.
And it's the eighteenth hole too, so I wish it
was the first hole because we could just go and
suck and then do our thing.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah, it simply needs the eighteenth hole.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Right, eighteenth hole, it's a last hole.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
But if there's someone there watching us, how we how
do we do it?
Speaker 3 (09:17):
The clubhouse is near the eighteenth hole. It looks over
at eighteenth sole, so that's another challenge.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
What the clubhouse?
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Clearly there was a lot of work to be done.
Nine pm. A quick look at the golf course website
reveals a very specific dress code polo shirts, belts, golf shoes,
something called a tilly hat. If wearing a polo shirt
(09:47):
with some kind of bonnet wasn't embarrassing enough, the rules
explicitly stated that all shirts were to be tucked in
to your pants. For this to work, we need to
honor the dress code to a t. In short, we
need the best disguises money could buy. And as the bank,
it was my job to secure the Greenbacks a brief
(10:09):
parlay with Gimblet founder and CEO Alex Bloomberg. I'm told
my budget is fifty dollars, to which I say, but
I've already promised the crew I take them shopping at
j C. Penny and now I'll look like an idiot,
to which he says what crew, and I say never mind.
Alex then tells me to take it up with Matt
because he's in the middle of a boardroom meeting. But
(10:30):
Matt scares me, so I just convert the green to
Canadian travelers checks, a safe, responsible move. So Alex, if
you're listening, you should at least cover the service fees.
Except you probably aren't listening because you're too busy with
your precious startup. So although it probably wasn't the kind
of establishment James's Poshdad Douglas would approve of, we'd need
(10:51):
to hit the only place we could afford. Please after you,
all right, Friday, twelve thirty six pm. It turns out
the sports section of a goodwill can be a pretty
sad place. Unstrung badminton rackets, water logged nerf footballs you
only hope are logged on water.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
And one boxing glove.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
That's that's the.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
As an advanced student of the heist film as genre,
I know that when pulling off a big job, the
perfect outfit is crucial. Think Michael Kine's lux white turtleneck
in The Italian Job or Elliott Gould's neckerchief in Ocean's Eleven.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
They have some very nice slacks here, I will say,
and the prices are very affordable.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
You want to try on the polo shirts, not exactly
Frankie Munez is wrap around shades and agent Cody Banks,
but it'll have to do.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Look at these two.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Ooh, it's like rayon. The good news is that the
Goodwill has changing rooms. The bad news is that there's
only one, and it's about the size of a bus
station toilet stall. I'm going to come in with you,
but since we are a a team and be absolutely
fearless together, we cram in and like any team would
(12:04):
strip completely naked.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
That might be the I.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
It bears, mentioning that the shirt Howard is referring to
is creamsicle orange and bears the logo of a plumbing company,
and luckiest of lucky days, he's found the exact same
shirts for me. And James this way. He reasons, we
can all match like a crew.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
It's supposed to look good.
Speaker 5 (12:31):
It's golfing.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Oh man, Howard, James and I have known each other
since we're teenagers. Back then we used to hang out
like this all the time, just doing goofy stuff. But
we now live in separate cities with wives, kids, jobs,
and we never get to do this kind of thing anymore.
Standing around in the middle of the afternoon, laughing in
the buff with old friends feels nice. So this is good.
Speaker 4 (13:03):
We got We've got shirts, and I got a belt.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
As we exit into the parking lot are plastic sacks
plump with glad rags. Something straight up magical happens.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Before getting too excited about what we think we might
be seeing, possibly, we wait confirmation from the man who
can spot a con a mile off a double rainbow.
It's legit a double rainbow. And even Howard's impressed mildly,
and so James and I give ourselves over Fully overcome
(13:37):
by this fortuitous sign, the crew was moved to song.
Speaker 5 (13:41):
So its red and purple and crimson and green apple and.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
A rainbow was a good omen Like James's dad, Douglas
was looking down on us and smiling a big, multicolored
upside down smile, and Jen Blue. Sure we were dressed
to the eighteens, but if we each took forty five
minutes to sink a ball from two feet away, we
(14:06):
might attract suspicion. We needed to train hard. I'm talking
rocky running through waist high Russian snow hard, a montage
of steel drum musicians learning to play Chariots of Fire
set to the tune of Ayah the Tiger hard. I'm
talking actually learning how to play golf. We find a
(14:32):
driving range in the fancier part of town and book
a golf pro by the name of Stephen. Saturday, one pm.
Are you Stephen, Hey, Stephen, I'm Jonathan, This is Howard,
and this is James. This is Stephen. Stephen a smile
with more dimples than the golf balls. He lovingly cradles
(14:54):
a tall drink of sports aqua velva ou de toilette
if ever there was Stephen's been golfing professionally for over
twenty years and couldn't be nicer or better. Smelling and
considering the frantic barrage of imbecilic questions, we ask he
also couldn't be more patient.
Speaker 5 (15:12):
Those official call shoes. Yeah, well, I want good questions
and stupid what a golfers think about?
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Like happy gilmore like mo like that. They find that
they find it insulting.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
After a brief lecture on the basic how to's hit
ball with stick, cold stick, with hands, get ball in hole,
we're ready, we insist James go first. After all, this
is his mission. What we want of these really is
finish it.
Speaker 4 (15:38):
Just like this.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Yere, we're gonna get to the well.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Stephen tenderly positions James hips and elbows. Howard grabs my
microphone and golf commentates.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
I'd say he looks really really horrible.
Speaker 6 (15:50):
It's just ridiculous looking. I'm not encouraging.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Somehow, James manages to connect on his very first try.
That's good.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Everyone's saying very encouraging things.
Speaker 7 (16:04):
But it's really horrible just the same.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
But he got it.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
It went in the air and he hit it.
Speaker 5 (16:07):
It's like you say to a child's.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Good you hit it. Stephen looks over at Howard, who
now squats in the grass, untying and retying his two
left footed Goodwill issued golf shoes and then he looks
over at me, a grown man in a two large
tilly hat, strings cinched tight enough beneath the chin to
ensure the clenched, jawed vocal affect of a young Katherine Hepburn.
(16:30):
He waives us to come hither, offering up something in
the way of inspiration.
Speaker 5 (16:36):
I'm gonna try to make it go from right to left.
Speaker 4 (16:38):
It must feel really good when you get it up
in the air like that.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Well, it's great because that's the goal, right, is to
get it up.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
The golf ball flies straight up into the air, and then,
as though eerily achieving human consciousness in mid flight, suddenly
takes a sharp left. Wah so cool. Howard, baptized in
the backsplash of Stephen's pheromones, is born again. He's seen
the pinnacle of male perfection. And James, it is not see.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
James, that's what it looks like. That's when a man
hits a golf ball.
Speaker 5 (17:12):
A male of the species is a golf ball.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Next up is Howard. He steps to the tee, grips
the club, and just the way Stephen instructed, does this
adorable waddle back and forth to get his footing just so,
And then did you hear that, Let me play it
again thrice. A swing and a miss, A swing and
(17:36):
a miss, A swing and a miss.
Speaker 3 (17:38):
That's too much a little bit if you're losing your
balance between fast. The first twenty five.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Years are tough, oh, Steven, all this and funny too.
My attempts were just as fruitless. As it turns out.
Golf is hard. We wonder if Douglas knew just how
difficult a mission he'd sent us on.
Speaker 4 (17:59):
How would do we do without a golf pro standing
there helping us?
Speaker 1 (18:03):
You know the difference between golf clubs, and.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
There's a wet Oh I don't, not really, I mean
I know it's a.
Speaker 5 (18:11):
Ledge driver, putterer one iron, two iron, three iron, pudder
driver pudder.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
One.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Nine am. It's the night before the job, and the
reality of our situation begins to set in. How can
any sting be stung when the would be stingers absolutely
stink at golf. Clearly this plan wasn't going to work,
and so at a quarter to two in the morning,
panic set in.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
It's impossible. It's impossible for us to play golf. We
would suck so hard we would never make it off.
The first fucking hole and if we knocked the balls anywhere.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Yeah, I'm with you.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
It's like learning how to fucking juggle. It's like it's
it's an incredibly impossible thing to do. It's gonna be
so obvious that there's something's up because we've never fucking golfed.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yeah, that's the issue. If we're doing any sort of subterfuge,
we're gonna be the most obvious conspicuous.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
People in the world, vicious.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
And then we'll have to get all the way to
the eighteenth holl That takes hours, literally hours, even if
you're good, literally and then try to with the ashes
out forget it.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Two fifteen am. Do you guys know what? Stomp rockets
are growing desperate, we chuck the old plan and begin
to free associate new plans.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
We did a T shirt cannon. Well you know actually
that that could work.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Three zho five am.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
What if we dumped them into say, like a balloon
and then filled it with water and then whip them
so they'll explode all on the eighteenth green and that's it.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
This was going nowhere. So I raised the possibility of
our pulling off a night job for those of you
squares who need to be hept to it. That's a
job one performs at night.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I think they might have dogs. What if they think
we're like terrorists or something super super posh exclusive club
going late at night with someone's human remains, which is
fucking totally illegal.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Yeah, I mean they must have some sort of security there.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Well a hundred percent the sun was coming up soon,
So I suggest that, like in Dog Day Afternoon or
Reservoir Dogs, or really any other movies about dogs that
I've also not seen but can only assume have happy,
heartwarming endings, maybe we just show up during the day
and hope for the best. This idea, Okay, that works
for me, they liked. After the break the a team
(20:27):
of golf sets off on its mission.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Oh, I want to be golf lung win and you
can be mister t t e R. Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I want one of mine?
Speaker 2 (20:36):
You just know it's wedge. Your your Reginald van cleef.
Speaker 5 (20:56):
Yous want to drink Scotch yet?
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Maybe on ice? Sure?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Sunday eight ten am, Father's Day arrives, a beautiful one
in Montreal. Janie says it's a lot like the day
Douglas died. We all rendezvous at the safe house, which
also happens to be Howard's wreck room. James has held
on to his dad's urn for sixteen years, but he's
always kept it in the velvet bag it came with,
(21:23):
so he's never actually handled it. Earlier in the day, though,
in anticipation of the job, he withdrew it. And if
there was any question about just how much Douglas loved golf,
it was immediately answered by what was revealed. Etched into
the side of the urn was a golfer in mid swing.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
It hears to you, Dad, don't think some of Brussy's
poop bags that are actually uncented, which is kind of nice.
We're going to use these to chants for some of
James's beloved's father's ash isn't here.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Howard had the idea of using his pugs poop bags
to separate the ashes into portions for each of us.
His reasoning, should one of us get pinched by some
golf clubhouse Johnny Law, the two surviving members of the
crew could still carry out the job.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Oh my god, this is so strange.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Oh I want a business.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I don't know what a business. I definitely what a
fucking business.
Speaker 4 (22:18):
Well, I'm glad you've got I'm glad, I'm I've had
a couple drinks, still getting off. I don't know, but
I'm really glad you guys are doing this with me,
You're part of this thing. For sixteen years, there was
there was this sort of fear that I wouldn't be
able to handle dealing with it, the physicality of it.
But if if there's something I'm now grateful for it,
and I wonder if there was some wisdom in it,
is that he has compelled me to deal with this.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
I've never cursed him for it.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
But I've been angry. I've never been angry, but I've
been I don't know what the word is, sort of
like fuck. You know, you couldn't just go without, you
couldn't just die. You had to make this somewhat absurd,
ridiculous request that was impractical and almost impossible to achieve.
But I'm right saying right now kind of almost grateful
for it. So let's uh, let's hope, let's hope we're
(23:04):
successful today.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Eight twenty five am.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
As we set off on the job, Howard shows doubts
about his outfit.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
I look like a fat failure of a dentist.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
I looked like I lost my practice because I put
dentures in a child's mouth.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
As we near the golf course, James grows silent, Am
I have part in a space?
Speaker 5 (23:33):
All right?
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Good show? How are you feeling nervous? I'm going to
park near here, just for a quick getaway from the
parking lot. We wind our way towards the green. Maybe
it's testament to a tillie had cocked at just the
right angle. But nobody seems to be stopping us. We
have infiltrated, like how manicured it is.
Speaker 5 (23:57):
It's like it's like it looks like like a pool table,
as it was a pile of ashes there in the middle.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
The golf course is what you'd expect, green grass as
far as the eye can see, trees, ponds, It's beauty,
full and under normal circumstances, it'd make us feel peaceful like,
but just now it's making us feel out of place,
reminding us of who we are. Three frightened middle aged
men dressed in discarded plumbing company uniforms, struggling under the
(24:24):
weight of our bulky knapsacks and a mission that just
now feels too big. For us, I don't should we
just try to go to the eighteenth hole or should
we go in? And that's I believe that's it isn't.
As it turns out, the eighteenth hole is the whole
(24:46):
nearest the parking lot. That red flag is your destination
screen of.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
The eighteenth hole, and that is it. It is the
most conspicuous hole. So thanks a lot that Right now,
right now, we're going to watch even now living one.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
We just to play it cool case the joint. We
make our way to the ninth hole, which is out
of view, and it's here that fear sets in and
with it bargaining.
Speaker 4 (25:20):
The ninth hole, Dad, right here be perfect. I could
go with the whole earned dump it. Maybe he liked
the screen, he liked the whole, he liked the whole
golf course.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
It wasn't his.
Speaker 4 (25:27):
But I know this is the back nine.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
I know he liked the bat next denial.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
That's my question.
Speaker 5 (25:32):
Why don't your dad, who is an avid golfer, who's
probably really really serious for those games, why would he want.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
To put his ashes on the green which would interfere
with another golfers.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I suggest we cool our heels in the clubhouse. And
the boys agree. It turns out that that evening is
a Father's Day banquet, so the staff is rushing to prepare,
which allows us to wander around relatively unnoticed. The club
goes back about one hundred years, and on the walls
are hung old brown and white photos and plaques commemorating
(26:03):
the members who've died fighting in both World Wars. Since
almost the start of our mission, James had expressed a
fear that maybe no one at the club would even
remember his dad. Douglas was just such a loner that
over the years James had never met any of his friends.
As far as he knew, he didn't really have any
There was a lot about his dad he didn't know,
(26:24):
like whether he was even any good at golf. So
we was hoping he might find some small trace of
him here, a photo, or even his name on a
list somewhere. Oh the registreet we find a large, old
looking book that lists every champion in the course's history. Wow,
it goes back to nineteen oh three.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Passage and Williamson. I mean, I'm sure he's probably documented
in some books somewhere. It's just, of course I'll find it.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Do you want to check that book. Did you look
through willis?
Speaker 6 (26:56):
Yeah, I didn't see any of her.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Since the book won't talk, we look for someone who will.
We stop every staff member and golfer who looks old
enough and ask if they remember Douglas.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
I'm saying it was Douglas.
Speaker 4 (27:07):
Sarch the past away in two thousand, were hoping to
find some sort of inside of him.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Fight.
Speaker 3 (27:12):
The name is a ring a bell. Doug was Hirst
a long time ago. People who remember and I played
six in the morning.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
So the only guys I know are the grass.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I didn't know him yet, No Dice until Doug Hurst.
Speaker 7 (27:26):
You guys knew him.
Speaker 5 (27:27):
Sure, that's his son.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
In a basement room, squeezed into an armchair watching golf
on TV is Serge. A French Canadian bulldog of a man.
He pours fistfuls of mixed nuts into his mouth, which
he washes down with generous slugs from his beer.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Cruizy dog.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
That's you.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Through the half jar of fancy cocktail nuts crammed into
his grizzled maw. You might not be able to understand
the words Sarge is desperately trying to choke out. He's
saying crazy Doug. Crazy Doug is his nickname for James's dad. Oh,
I'm so glad I found someone who remember him.
Speaker 5 (28:08):
We asked a few people and not too many, you'll know,
Bambernham help me find in maybe a staff member who
had been here a while that no one knew a
lot of You know, I'm him very well.
Speaker 4 (28:16):
So is he a good golf player?
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Was he good?
Speaker 6 (28:18):
It was a good golfer. Yeah, he was like was
it eight or nine handicap? Okay, Oh, that's very good.
Speaker 7 (28:29):
He is like the top five percent of all the
golfers in the world. So he was very good.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
He was very good, and he was dedicated. The room
full of golf clubs that James had thought was garbage,
Sarah spoke of it with respect. He called it the largest,
most complete collection of golf clubs in all of Canada.
You never want to hear someone refer to a person
you love by a pet name prefixed by the word crazy.
(28:57):
But the benefit is that when they tell you stuff
about your dad, you know they're being honest. So when
Sarah says what he says next, James knows he can
believe him.
Speaker 7 (29:07):
I don't think I have ever met somebody as brilliant
as your dad, the level of knowledge about every day.
But on the other side, he was also very I
wasn't too shy isolated like executive. Yeah, he quickly alone.
(29:28):
We saw him very rarely on the clubhouse.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
I think it was because he was a bit of
a loner.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
But he did love.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
People, and he loved the people here, and he did
love all his friends here. But he really loved to
come at six in the morning when he could just
do his thing. That was very my father. That's what
I really used to say, dude, it's very my father.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
And it's not that he didn't like people.
Speaker 5 (29:46):
He just liked to.
Speaker 4 (29:47):
Do things at his speed, his way and be done
because he was sort of a loner.
Speaker 3 (29:52):
He was a loner.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
He's my father.
Speaker 6 (29:54):
You're the son of your father.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
And with that, it's time for James to become the
son his father had asked him to be and do
the job we came for.
Speaker 5 (30:10):
It's a great Now we're just we're just walking around,
we're members, remembers sons.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
We head back outside and walk with purpose to the
eighteenth hole. As fate would have it, the coast is clear.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Actually, James, right now, turn your head right now here
just just kind of just just kind of cool.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
Yeah, tire shoe, tire shoe, this opportunity right now.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Let's walk with him.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
With Howard on his left and me on his right.
We walked James out to the green, doing our best
to protect him from view. Yeah, but we're walking with you.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Say something, maybe I will.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
I will say something in my head.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
Do you want to say something in your head?
Speaker 4 (30:49):
Yeah, I'm just saying something in my head.
Speaker 5 (30:50):
Okay, Well, we're actually doing this. This is incredible because
you're actually doing it right now.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
This is actually happening.
Speaker 5 (31:01):
He's actually putting his dad's ashes right on the eighteenth hole,
just like he wanted.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
We didn't think this would be possible.
Speaker 5 (31:06):
Actually, James just tip just how he put He just
dumped it right now the eighteenth hole.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
I got it right in the hole.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
That felt really good. I'm really glad right in the
hole exactly. I feel great.
Speaker 4 (31:21):
I feel awesome.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Howard and I are feeling pretty good too. This is
the last time James would ever get to do something
his dad had asked him to do, and we're proud
to be a small part of it. We put our
arms around our friend's neck and pat his back.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Okay, well you got back home.
Speaker 6 (31:47):
That's incredible.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Happy father's Day, Happy father's Day.
Speaker 4 (31:51):
Happy father's Day.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Worked out perfectly. And James is right, it has kind
of worked out perfectly. Sure, unlike the end of heist
films like Reservoir Dogs, we weren't sipping drinks from a
coconut on a beautiful beach. But James had become the
person he wanted to be, and I'd become the person
who helped him become the person he wanted to be.
And Howard, well, he'd become the person who fills up
(32:17):
a dog poop bag with free golf clubhouse dinner mint.
So while in all it was a happy ending.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
Thank you guys for doing this, James had a fistful
of his father's ashes in his hand, and he walked
onto that green like a dawn bend onto one. He
tipped his hat and just dumped it right into the
hole and clean right in the hole. That was a
hole in one. That's what I would say.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Now that the Fernitures returned to its goodwill.
Speaker 4 (33:12):
Now that the last month's rant is skeidening.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
With the damage to the pole, take this moment to
the save.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
If we imagine, if we.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
Too felt around for far too from things good Accident.
Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me Jonathan Goldstein along
with Chris Neary and Khalila Holt. The senior producer is
Wendy Dore, editing by Alex Bloomberg and Jorge Just special
(33:49):
thanks to Emily Condon, Stevie Lane, Derek Hurst, Stephen Hughes,
and The Good Doctor Jackie Cohen. The show is mixed
by Hailey Shaw, music by Christine Fellows. Additional music credits
for this episode can be found on our website Gimbletmedia
dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by the
Weaker Thands to See If Epitaph Records, and our ad
(34:11):
music is by Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at
Heavyweight or email us at Heavyweight at gimbletmedia dot com.
We'll have a new episode next week.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Well wait, I have an idea. I'm on the eighteenth hole.
I will literally collapse, like literally fake heart attack type shit.
Speaker 3 (34:42):
Probably wouldn't work. What if we got a drone like
you know those little paradrones and put a bag in it,
punched a hole bag and flew the drone over.
Speaker 1 (34:51):
You know how they say, with brainstorming, there's no bad ideas.
These are bad ideas.
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