September 3, 2024 • 37 mins
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass!
Sara is obsessing over Adele at her upcoming concert in a few weeks. She's very excited.
Love Desk: A new game for you to play in your relationship.
Hot Topic: Couples that dream together stay together.
The girls explore the art of dreaming together and how it strengthens relationships. From sharing hopes and aspirations to addressing concerns about emotional connections outside the partnership, no topic is off-limits. Join us as we delve into the psychology of maintaining a happy, committed relationship and offer practical tips to deepen your bond with your partner.
Question: "I've noticed my spouse of 5 years spending a lot of time texting someone from work. They're always smiling at their phone. Should I be concerned?"
This listener's question focuses on the potential pitfalls of a partner's texting habits and how to address them constructively. Tune in for an insightful conversation that promises to leave you with new perspectives on love and connection.
Visit us at geordielass.com or email us at info@geordielass.com with your thoughts and topic suggestions. Happy listening!
Till next time
Sara Liddle
Email: info@inflori.co.uk
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass!
Sara is obsessing over Adele at her upcoming concert in a few weeks. She's very excited.
Love Desk: A new game for you to play in your relationship.
Hot Topic: Couples that dream together stay together.
The girls explore the art of dreaming together and how it strengthens relationships. From sharing hopes and aspirations to addressing concerns about emotional connections outside the partnership, no topic is off-limits. Join us as we delve into the psychology of maintaining a happy, committed relationship and offer practical tips to deepen your bond with your partner.
Question: "I've noticed my spouse of 5 years spending a lot of time texting someone from work. They're always smiling at their phone. Should I be concerned?"
This listener's question focuses on the potential pitfalls of a partner's texting habits and how to address them constructively. Tune in for an insightful conversation that promises to leave you with new perspectives on love and connection.
Visit us at geordielass.com or email us at info@geordielass.com with your thoughts and topic suggestions. Happy listening!
Till next time
Sara Liddle
Email: info@inflori.co.uk
Website: www.inflori.co.uk
Relationship Reset: www.inflori.co.uk/reset
Anna Stratis
Email: coachdocanna@gmail.com
Website: www.coachdocanna.com
Website: www.inflori.co.uk
Relationship Reset: www.inflori.co.uk/reset
Anna Stratis
Email: coachdocanna@gmail.com
Website: www.coachdocanna.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass. One day a Geordie and a Canadian walk
into a bar and decide to start a podcast about relationships and what a topic that is.
Music.
No subjects are off limits, get in touch today with us at geordielass.com or
email info at geordielass.com and let us know what you think and what we should talk about.
(00:24):
Welcome to the podcast. Why, hello everybody. Hello, hello.
Hello. How's it going? I think it's all right. I think it's all right.
Having some sound issues off the top and I'm hiding away in a bathroom as a
recording studio and it's probably about maybe 35 degrees in here,
so it's a bit of a sauna. I'm liking it.
I know, I know. Well, they're supposed to be good for your daily sauna, so.
(00:47):
I think there'll be so many electrolytes that I will have lost and regained. I think I agree with you.
It's going to be pretty awesome. yeah so all is
good all is good it's like the depths of summer but also
the fall is quickly approaching so you know
that thing where i'm like didn't summer just start didn't we
just have june 21st the solstice is it
(01:08):
august middle end of august anyways
just just thinking of winter that's
all definitely hear you definitely hear you i'm still
hoping i'm gonna cling on to a little bit of summer and there's this
kind of late surge of beautiful weather that we're going to to
enjoy totally I did comment that
you are in this beautiful little strappy tank top
(01:30):
and you're looking like really like not overheated
but certainly warm it doesn't look like it's like minus
three out so yeah it's not minus
three yeah I think we're doing all right today good good good
good I've I have been obsessing all the
weekend because in two weeks me and
my daughter are off to see Adele and she's already
(01:52):
opened in Munich and so there's loads
and loads of videos online and I've just
been obsessing watching them all the weekend and I'm getting more and more excited
as the time goes on oh my god oh my god I can't even I can't even I know everyone's
like Taylor Swift I'm like nothing against her but if I had the chance to see
(02:13):
Adele I would see Adele over Taylor Swift?
Yes, I would. I would definitely like to see Taylor Swift. I reckon it would
be an amazing concert. And again, kind of the feed is kind of full of that as well.
And Coldplay, who are also playing in Germany as well right now.
But yeah, I would like to have gone to see Taylor Swift.
I am kind of good. I haven't got tickets, but I'm just beside myself,
(02:35):
the fact that we get to see Adele. I did have tickets once for her concert.
And literally the morning that we woke up, found out the concert was cancelled.
I was so sad. Was that like back when they weren't $1,000?
They were still pricey, the tickets, like, but yeah, not as pricey as they are now, I have to say.
She's got 80,000 people at every single concert.
(02:57):
80,000 people. That's like nearly the population of Jersey.
Like, how mental is that?
It is. And I think maybe a separate podcast, if we were not doing a sex and relationship podcast,
or relationship and sex depending on depending on
what kind of mood he's leading exactly exactly like we
(03:17):
i would love to like have people like explore the psychology
of why taylor swift is just so massive like she's a oh yeah i'm sure there's
a beautiful person she's very talented but yeah what's what's the story anyway
i have no idea that that is like it's like a cult without her leading a cult
it's like a cult following and she's not leading a cult i don't even know But anyways,
(03:39):
it's genius marketing, whatever it is. It is.
Absolutely. We should have a lot of them. No.
Can you imagine?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, okay. So that's a couple of weeks away.
Yeah, it is. Which is super exciting. So, well, before we go there,
(03:59):
tell us about what's going on at the Relationship Desk of Love.
Oh, I'm glad you asked. Yeah.
Right. Okay. Okay, so in and amongst my Adele swooning and scrolling at the
weekend, I also came across a lovely little video which shared a great tip that
we can all put into practice straight away.
Oh. Would you like to know what it is? Of course I would, yes.
(04:23):
Okay, so it's you play this game with yourself in your mind about your partner
and it is she or he loves me. That's the game.
So we are both dating men,
so we would say he loves me so you would say he
loves me because he and you'd
think of something that the person has
(04:43):
done that day or that week that really kind of shows you that they love you
and they care about you so an example would be for me my partner at the weekend
I wasn't feeling very well and he was like don't worry I'll go to the shop to
get whatever it was we needed for dinner so that's He says,
you're not feeling very well. You sit there and rest.
(05:06):
I'll do it. I'll make dinner tonight. You sit and rest.
So you kind of, you start to reinforce why it is you're loved by your partner
by noticing some of those kind of smaller actions that demonstrate love.
Oh my gosh oh that's really cool yeah
especially because like i think i've been taking a note
(05:27):
of like sometimes speaking a third person but
it's really about me if anybody else is like this where you've had a little
bit of past relationship let's just say little purses that you've been carrying
along maybe a few small bags that you have in your past relationships and it
can lead you to actually feel paranoid very mistrusting about whether your partner loves you because of
(05:50):
the past stuff that's happened and you end up kind of
saying to yourself man you know like i think you're i
think you're a bit paranoid i think that you're you're not reading enough
into the good stuff and you're reading too much into the stuff that might be
misconstrued so this feels like the first perfect medication for that time when
you're like oh my friend doesn't love me when you're having those like really
(06:11):
insecure moments and that's what it said in the post it said more often than not, we do it in reverse.
So we'll go, oh, they don't love me because they've forgotten to empty the dishwasher
again for the fifth time this week.
They, you know, they weren't present during a conversation we're having.
They didn't remember it was a special day today for something.
(06:32):
You know, we look for all the negatives and the reasons why we're not loved.
This kind of puts it in complete reverse and turns on its head and says,
no, I'm going to look for all the reasons why I am loved.
Like, Like, why is it that I see this person in my kind of day-to-day life?
Why is it that they are cherishing me? What's the evidence that I can see about that?
(06:53):
I just think it's a really lovely exercise to do. It's a bit of a kind of...
Twist on the kind of top three game that we've
talked about and I'm a big fan of which is
you know what are the top three things that my partner has
done that I really appreciated I'd may add found sexy
whatever kind of capacity you want to or category
(07:14):
you want to think of it as but it is all about this
positivity in the relationship how do we get more of it how do
we understand it how do we step out of this negative thought
patterns that are going on you know I don't know
about you but I swear to god my hormones are all over the
place just you get to
a certain age as a woman and I swear to god it drives
you absolutely insane and it can be really really
(07:37):
difficult to get sucked into that kind of
negativity trap of as you say getting
really paranoid whether it's feeling insecure whatever it is
anxious about your relationship and this can
happen at any time in your life doesn't necessarily have to
mean that you're a woman of a certain age although it's kind of you're
then kind of slightly more prone to it aren't you but it's it's
(07:58):
having some tools some strategies some tips some
ways just to step out of that because the more we notice the negative side of
it the more we'll attract more of that into our lives and it then becomes this
kind of self-fulfilling prophecy which is not the space we want to be in absolutely
and it really does become a self-fulfilling prophecy like you You actually drive somebody away.
(08:20):
Yeah. So true. Yeah. So this is great.
This is great. Because like really like it's watermelon season here in Greece.
So you like pass these fields and there's literally watermelons all over the
place. Like they're just lying around. Right.
I know. They're really lovely. I feel like every episode is a different fruit with you.
Oh, yes. We've had apricots, figs, and now we're on watermelons.
(08:44):
Definitely got fids. No, totally.
Totally. It's like living in Greece. It's like we follow the seasonal patterns.
Yeah, totally. Yeah, so there's going to be a daily fruit, you guys.
Just warning you now. But this exercise is like staring out into a field,
just bursting with watermelons, like lying all over the place.
(09:05):
Because that's really like the positivity in most of our relationships is as
abundant as watermelons all over Greece. Or at least this part of Greece.
You're just tripping over them. But we just don't notice them.
And rather, we're sort of sniffing out the truffles. Now, I have not stepped over a truffle here.
It's still hard to get. I think I still need a little pig to go out and go find a truffle for me.
(09:29):
But yet I seem to find the truffles far more than the watermelons.
The truffles are the negative things. I am just sniffing them out.
So I'm just beseeching all of you like, yeah, I love this exercise.
I'm going to try it because I want to be tripping over watermelons,
not going out and finding things that are rare and buried under the ground.
(09:50):
And that's where my food analogies will rest.
So yeah start looking for the reasons why you're loved by your partner this
week that is our challenge and our gift to you our listeners love it yes give
us feedback info at geordie that's.com indeed okay now we're warmed up shall we take a hot topic.
(10:11):
Music.
Couples that dream together stay together.
Ah, now, I, you know, I do recall a couple I worked with, very, very fond of them.
(10:34):
And one was really saying, I need to dream with you.
Like, you know, they're sort of working on some stuff and I really want to sit
down. I want to dream with you. I want to think about the future.
I want to make future plans.
But the other partner found that really terrifying because their childhood had been very rocky.
Lucky and also the parenting that was
demonstrated to them was not positive and they were terrified to dream or to
(10:58):
set future plans they kind of wanted the same right dream like well what are
we going to build together yeah and they were very reluctant to do this exercise
because they were scared that these dreams would not come true there was an
you know so much insecurity so much uh.
Undeservingness so there was a lot yeah yeah yeah
ah so dreaming together it's sweet i
(11:20):
love it brings a smile to my face but it's not easy so tell
us more what you think of when you think about dreaming together so
for me this is really heavily rooted in
this kind of commitment to a relationship as well i think
the two are kind of are linked because often
when we get a situation where couples can't necessarily think
(11:40):
about the future it's because they've still got this they're
holding on to this kind of doubt or worry concern about
whether actually this is the right relationship for them they're not
fully committed if you're fully committed with somebody
then you're able to sit down and
really kind of depict the future and think about what it might
look like and wonder and talk about it and chat about and connect over you know
(12:04):
really creating this life together that has you know amazing longevity to it
yeah so i think you know and there's been there have been scientific research
done into this this very topic about kind of having shared goals shared dreams dreams,
you know, things that we are working on together as a couple in the future.
So the University of California, they did a study and showed that actually couples
(12:28):
that did have shared goals and shared aspirations that they were working towards had a much,
much greater level of satisfaction and stability in their relationship as a
result of that. Wow. Wow.
It's weird because I think a lot of people would say, yeah, but I thought I
did or do dream with my partner.
And And I think a lot of us think that we're dreaming, but we're not actually setting out real plans.
(12:53):
So what might we be doing that's actually the deep fake of dreaming?
The thing that makes us think we're going deep on really committing and plan
together, but is actually not as deep as it needs to go?
Well, I think it depends kind of how, you know, as you say, kind of how deep do you want to go?
Are you doing everything that's just quite transactional? you know when you're
(13:16):
thinking about the future is it you know well.
We met kind of two years ago, it's now kind of, yep, we should be getting engaged,
then we should be getting married by this date, then we should be having a baby by that date.
It's, that's kind of very kind of timeline driven, isn't it?
It's very at the, you know, kind of top level.
These are the types of things that we're interested in doing.
(13:38):
I think when we want to go kind of much deeper in terms of, you know, shared goals,
dreams, that sort of thing, it's, it's about that kind of
wonderment of what your life could be like and you
know discussing well you know even kind of taking things
to the extreme that you are not allowing yourselves
to be kind of cut off by by what you
(14:00):
perceive to be your reality so we might kind of dream about the fact that you
know one day we'll have an amazing grown-up gap year together or something like
that and then really talk about how that might feel and how excited you'd be
and types of places that you go and what what that would mean to you,
what you'd spiritually like to get from such an experience and,
(14:22):
you know, really go into it on a much deeper level about why something is important
to you, what it means to you.
You know, you might kind of talk about the values that are being honoured by
kind of sharing this dream together and what it means to your relationship.
I think when we can look at some of the things that we want to put in place
so that our relationship is as successful as possible,
(14:45):
all of that is about dreaming as well you know it is about that kind of shared goal,
if you have a conversation that says do you know
I don't want to be one of those statistics I don't want to be the other
50% that splits up in 10 years I want our relationship
to last and I want us to be able to develop
and grow together how do we make that happen what does that look like for us
(15:06):
all of that is about having kind of shared goals aspirations dreams for your
relationship relationship because you're really kind of painting that picture
about who you want to be and then what you'll do over time in order to make that happen.
Oh, wow. Okay. That's amazing. That really paints out the montage for us.
I think the thing that is really important that I kind of glommed on to at the
(15:30):
beginning there is that like kind of the deep fake of dreaming is the timeline
driven project management.
Like first comes the engagement, then comes the wedding, then comes kid one,
then comes a house, then comes a, you know, that makes us think that we're planning
and we can get very busy with the sort of work of planning those steps. but I agree with you.
I think that's where I see people really run off the rails is because it is
(15:54):
very top level and it fails to capture some of the big elements of spirituality,
of physical fulfillment, emotional fulfillment, intellectual fulfillment.
And then if you get caught on that roller coaster of the timeline milestones.
You end up talking a lot, but actually growing farther apart.
And at least one partner is going going to get very frustrated with,
(16:16):
I feel like we're kind of on a conveyor belt, but I don't feel like I'm heard and seen.
And I don't feel like I really know my partner. And I might be getting bored.
And I might be hitting a midlife crisis where I really want to explore myself.
But I feel like my partner and I are so disconnected that we can't take this
journey of exploration together, sort of, you know, mid 40s, mid 50s.
(16:38):
And so I think the big thing is, is just because you talk a lot every day does
not mean you're dreaming.
And just because you talk about future things, I'm going to say that the wedding
invitations probably don't count.
I'm just going to say that. Unless you want to set up a wedding invitation store,
like online store, which would be awesome.
And not to knock like wedding planning, but because of Instagram,
(17:03):
we get so caught up in this transactional, making our lives look perfect.
And curating an image for the rest of the world to see that
we leave leave this gaping hole of fulfillment and
meaning that really hits us from behind we
don't even realize because we've been talking the whole
time yeah so i like what you say that's to bring yeah like bring things back
(17:24):
to kind of why you were doing this why is this important you know not everybody
gets married if you know if we're specifically talking about that then you know
why is it that marriage is important to us what do we want to get out of it
how do we think it's going to enrich our lives together,
what type of husband or wife do I want to be they're the things that kind of
take it to a much deeper level where we can create this beautiful dream you
(17:47):
know that we can start putting in into place now and work towards over time
yeah I like that I like that yeah,
the one thing that I see or hear again and again is like if you're if you're
hearing this you're You're like, yeah, I'm not quite sure if I'm...
Whether you get married or not, whatever you sort of choose as your milestone goals,
(18:08):
and I like that you sort of let it open there, but go back to the first weeks
and months where you met each other and remember those like if you had like
an all night session where there might have been a little bit of sexy times
and a little bit of wine and a little bit of dreaming, right?
Like that kind of unbridled dreaming, that sort of ethos, like there was a time
early, early on where you sort of painted all the colors on the canvas,
(18:31):
on that black canvas together.
Go back to that place because chances are one of the partners remembers that
and says, we used to dream, we don't dream anymore.
So just if you're having a trouble sort of figuring out like well what what
do you mean by by dreaming or by it's it's go back to those initial and and,
(18:52):
just like you say because i always like to go back like what drew
us together in the first place how were we together it
is true we were in our infatuation phase we were showing each other our best
we were like over the moon with each other but there's parts we have to continue
and bring into our relationship for every one of our days together because it's
(19:13):
that dreaming it's that that childlike, it's that what could be,
it's that, you know, say yes, rather than saying no.
Yeah. Let's see what happens, open-mindedness. Those are the things we used
to give each other when we first met each other.
So not forgetting how much we desired each other and how much we desired to
grow old together, to see some of these things, even if we'd just met and,
(19:37):
We didn't know each other's dirty laundry. There was an essence of our real selves that we saw.
And so dreaming requires digging down to that person that you saw when you first met them.
Yeah. I think some of the challenges, and I think in the beginning,
often we don't necessarily share those dreams with each other because it's kind
(20:02):
of just started. You're a little bit nervous.
You're thinking, is it going to last? am I dreaming
something different to my partner do they kind of
they see the relationship progressing in a different way to
me it can be very hard I think to kind of get
that real and vulnerable with each other and share kind of your thoughts
about the future and I think sometimes that
(20:22):
can then continue into kind of your everyday life as well and that could be
the reason why you know we don't have shared dreams is because naturally I don't
really kind of want to open up in case I find out something that I you know
didn't want to hear you know oh wow okay so that's another.
Very very common manifestation yeah yeah
(20:43):
and then there's a whole other thing so how do you decide
that you can trust and be vulnerable I think
what I would say is if you're in a position where you don't feel like
you can share your dreams or hopes or aspirations for
the future with your a partner then I would question how
solid that relationship is if you know is
it that you're going to end up in kind of 10 years time where you realize no
(21:06):
we've got such different outlooks on kind of how we imagine spending our time
together we are kind of poles apart so I think if you're not sure and you're
not able it's definitely something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.
Yeah. And there's two questions is what is my partner doing that takes away
(21:27):
from my ability to trust or to get vulnerable?
What are they doing or not doing? And what am I doing or not doing that is holding
me back from being able to be trusting and to get vulnerable with my partner?
Yep, indeed. And that sounds like a whole other podcast.
But I think, you know, definitely like dare to dream together.
(21:49):
Like who doesn't want to have like a nice dream and and look forward
to something in the future you know and that's they're lovely
things to have and to discuss and just kind
of share with each other you know you know it's lovely
and it's essential it really is yeah and
there are byproducts that come to it you know it brings you closer
together it helps you really cement that
(22:11):
bond it can help with intimacy it can
help with all manner of things because you know these
are the reasons why why why we get in a
relationship in the first place right we want somebody to be
able to kind of share dreams with and enjoy
life with absolutely so yeah get to it start dreaming start dreaming totally
(22:32):
total shout out for that helping with intimacy because the dreaming helps to
build emotional connection and a lot of folks yeah need emotional connection first to be able to
experience or to open up sexual intimacy.
Yeah. Yeah. And as you know, I'm always a fan. Yeah.
(22:53):
All righty. Shall we take a break?
Music.
Today's question. I've noticed my spouse of five years spending a lot of time
texting someone from work.
They're always smiling at their phone. Should I be concerned?
(23:16):
Oh my gosh, who has not had this happen to them? Oh my gosh,
talking about paranoia.
This is getting my temperature up even listening to this question.
Okay, so what's going on for you?
Because like, oh, this drives me personally crazy oh I
think mobile phones are like they really are so
(23:37):
toxic inside relationships aren't they
they can be such a kind of just a
really bad thing I think preach Sarah tell us
yes totally well we're just obsessed like
and I'm including myself in that as well like I've just said
I spent kind of all weekend looking at Adele videos online because I'm
excited about going but it just causes this
(23:58):
real kind of barrier doesn't it in relationships like when
you've got they're kind of even just having a present it's you
know you you haven't got that same level of attention you haven't got that same
level of connection I think so that's kind of one side of it I think the second
side obviously there's there's clearly something going on here around kind of
(24:19):
you know texting somebody else they're they're making you happy and.
I would imagine then the thought process is, well, I'm not making you happy
because you don't look or smile at me like that.
You don't, you know, you're not interacting with me in the same way.
Yet, who's this other person that's got all your attention?
I imagine, you know, that does cause an issue in a relationship.
Oh, it does. I mean, yeah, we've discussed in the past, haven't we,
(24:42):
about like what is emotionally cheating?
Like, is it like what is an affair? Like something that is kind of one definition
to somebody else would be a different definition to somebody else.
You know this person could be thinking well are they
are they cheating on me is it an actual real affair or
is it an emotional connection and is
that still kind of bad enough oh my gosh totally and a wonderful woman that
(25:06):
i respect so much she was saying that she entered the workforce the corporate
work workforce in the 90s there were no phones there was no email yeah and so
when you left on friday at five o'clock yeah you were gone for the weekend you
took vacation you were off.
Nobody could reach you and there was
no such thing as a work husband or a work wife yeah
(25:27):
right because you're not like sitting and texting each other
all night about like oh did you hear what the boss said so just to reiterate
like it's you know it's so funny that this lovely woman she says like i sure
as heck say like say i wish i could be back to the good old days she's like
what of today has made us any happier she's like you know back when i started
(25:47):
i was able to shut off so i I mean, really,
we've lost so much with our mobile phones,
which is this ridiculous thing that we haul along with us.
So now we have to think about like emotional connections at work that are like,
you can always sort of explain them away. Oh, we're working on a really big project together.
Oh, something funny happened at the office. And we, you know,
(26:09):
when you say like, where's the line to draw?
Nobody knows. And the problem is, it's probably just diving way into emotional
connection that really...
Is not in integrity with your intimate relationship.
And we, but yet we justify it somehow like, oh, it's the project.
(26:30):
Oh, there was this funny thing. Oh, you know, we've got, we've got a lot of
shared stress together, et cetera, et cetera.
So the, the unfortunate thing is that it is so normalized that to say,
okay, you know what, I'm going to put my foot down and And I'm going to not
entertain work colleagues from texting outside of work hours.
(26:52):
Many would say, oh, you're just being controlling. You know, it's normal.
But yeah, divorce is pretty normal too. You know, we don't want to strive for
normal. That's the thing.
I think, I mean, it doesn't say in the question, but I'm guessing that the person that the.
The male or female is texting with i'm assuming they're of the opposite sex
(27:15):
and that's why this is kind of a thing or a challenge or the same sex if they're
in kind of a gay relationship but,
and i think this is the thing for me as well is if
if let's say it's a heterosexual couple if it
was a man texting a man and you were smiling and laughing
and kind of having fun would that bother this
(27:35):
person as much or is it that it is a member from the opposite sex and they're
in a heterosexual relationship so that is one thing I would kind of like dig
into a little bit because often we don't kind of you know maybe we don't mind
as much if it's you know kind of a.
Female relationship and you're you know you're texting
(27:56):
another female like we seem to
get these kind of stories or these ideas about kind of
what else is going on and we can attach different
meanings to it in different circumstances so I
would kind of dig a little bit around that with the
with the listener I think the other thing I would
say is you know if you've got a problem if there's something not working
find a constructive way to raise
(28:20):
that and I think the challenge is when we leave
it and let it you know we ignore it and we just leave it
to fester it will it will come out
because it'll come out in a kind of more vengeful way
than it does if you just say look you
know I've really noticed over the last couple of weeks that you
have been kind of on your phone texting quite a
(28:40):
lot with that you know whatever the person is from work
and you know I can see it's bringing you
a lot of kind of happiness and joy I have to say I'm not
feeling the same experience from it like what are
your thoughts oh yeah i like that
and to go further to say look you know.
I feel like i used to
(29:00):
bring that same smile to your face i feel like yeah because
then really what it does is it really comes into clear view
this is a an audit of your relationship like we used
to make each other laugh like this what has happened oh
the kids oh the job oh it's been been so long you know we're now comfortable
together but really I mean the the cool thing is that this starts with I see
(29:25):
that smile on your face that I haven't seen in quite some time and somebody
else is bringing it out in you but really what it invites two people to do is to.
Spring clean clean their relationship to say like what will where did our smile
go and how can we think about bringing that back because maybe that relationship,
(29:46):
texting relationship is fine and nothing much has to be done about it.
Maybe this is actually wait where did our smiles go where did our laughter go
yeah yeah that's the biggest question yeah exactly the thing that you often
start with you know is kind of saying oh you know I'm a bit unhappy that this
kind of you know my partner is texting somebody else,
(30:09):
but if we kind of like drop that down a little bit more and said well kind of
why is it that that's bothering you what else is kind of surrounding that we
generally find there's There's more to it.
There's more to the kind of story than that first initial kind of question that's being posed.
And that's where the kind of the work is that needs to be done,
because if you were in a more kind of stable position, if you were happier with
(30:32):
each other, if you were kind of bringing each other that much joy,
would that same scenario bother you in that situation?
Possibly not, because you're feeling quite secure and connected and it doesn't
actually matter who we talk to outside of that.
You're absolutely right. And it is really important to have this conversation
because you'll be very surprised.
(30:54):
Let's say you're saying, look, I noticed that you're texting somebody.
You've got a smile on your face.
I used to see that smile. I don't anymore. You may hear something super surprising
like, you used to laugh at my jokes and I find you don't laugh at my jokes anymore.
And actually, I find that you laugh a lot more when like Martin comes over.
(31:14):
It can surprise you that the behavior that
you're seeing is actually a response to a behavior that you're
putting out there that you're not even noticing so like yeah put
your seatbelt on be prepared to hear something really interesting such
as you know and I remember this I remember a former relationship
and I remember I was just tickled pink by a former
relationship their friend and their friend just said something
(31:37):
funny and I just thought it was the most hilarious thing ever and I
looked at my partner at the time and I saw
that look on their face like really hurt and
it's so silly like it's so silly but like when
you no longer laugh at your partner's jokes I know that sounds crazy and and
then if you're laughing at somebody else's jokes oh my gosh I know it's so silly
(31:58):
but well humor is a big thing in relationships isn't it you know how many times
do you hear somebody saying I'm looking for a partner that can make me laugh
I'm looking for Or, you know,
you hear that come up more often than I'm looking for somebody who's tall, dark and handsome.
Oh, yeah. How many hinge profiles?
Totally. Yeah, I want somebody that I can have fun with. At the end of the day,
(32:21):
whether it's a major value of yours or not, we want to have fun as human beings.
There's so much centered around actually helping us to have fun.
You know, when you look at how the world is built and made up,
it is a big part of our everyday life. so I think it is a big thing in a relationship you want.
Brings you you know it's another form of connection isn't it it's
(32:43):
another bond because we share a similar sense of
humor or we can kind of make fun of
each other about not on a mean way you know
in a kind of in a way that's acceptable to both of us we
can kind of you know take the mickey out of each other and and
kind of take joy and pleasure from that it's it
is about that is creating that kind of
(33:04):
shared connection i think totally especially for
people who love to make people laugh and
love to make their partner laugh that is it's a
skill and a talent that actually they yeah it's
a it's a gift now again like if somebody gives
a gift it it's not necessarily the recipient values
it as much as the giver but for those folks out
(33:26):
there who have a good sense of humor and they really love making people laugh
you can be sure that it is like a gift that they're giving and they want you
to take the gift and appreciate it so i absolutely absolutely but But the right
answer is not to just stonewall and build up resentment and then,
you know, slam the kitchen cupboards around after you see your partner texting
(33:50):
with a smile on their face.
Like, that's the thing that I've done a lot and didn't get me anywhere, folks.
Oh, hey, we've all been there. Yeah. Yeah. Do as I say and not as I do.
Oh, I tell you. But yeah, no, I mean, what's really important is to really sit
with yourself first and figure out like, why does this bug me so much?
(34:10):
Yeah, why is this a problem yet? And whenever answer comes up,
ask that question again. No,
why does it bother me so much? Keep asking yourself, why does it bug you?
Why does it bug you? And just dig deep, dig deep. And then...
Have a good old conversation with your partner. Yeah, it'll be hard.
Dynamics. This is just all about relationship dynamics, isn't it? Yeah.
(34:32):
Interpretation of what's going on. Yeah. Don't leave it under the rug.
Do not, no. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man.
So, I feel like I've had a little mental workout today.
I know, I know. It is good. Well, and also,
like, you know, it's the lazy days of summer, but soon people will be
(34:52):
shift i think people are even shifting gears now into back to
school back into the routines coming back from
the holidays where maybe they weren't needing to set their
alarm and then back into the swing of things so lots of
new beginnings this week yeah and this next couple of
weeks yeah and as ever start communicating
a bit more look for the positives yeah celebrate the love that you have for
(35:15):
each other yeah and let's all get off our damn phones just for a little bit
just for a little bit yeah we are all addicted oh my gosh i tell you i think
there'll be a i reckon there'll be some sort of reckoning i don't know like some sort of.
Rebellion against away from it all i think my faith
is solidly in gen z and gen alpha
(35:38):
and stuff like the new generation coming up because they're
going back to the flip phones they're going back the analogs i
i swear like i'm just waiting for them to bring
back the time when when we leave a 5 p.m or
we leave for a weekend or a holiday that we can truly disconnect because honestly
nobody's that important i know to have to have their time divided between their
(36:01):
family and you know having to be on their laptop i am guilty of it like you
know what we're not that important
we can take a vacation I know I know that yeah well I'm a big fan of switching
off like I have to say especially for holidays I think it's very important should all be doing it,
totally in fact to all the people who just don't hear from me ever it's because
(36:24):
I just forget my phone I literally do but I'm a terrible communicator and so
there's a trade-off yeah,
sorry to everyone I was gonna say I don't think we can't blame the phone Anna
there are some things that are just intrinsic in us.
Very fair. Fair, Sarah. Thanks for pointing that out. You are right. I'll accept that.
(36:45):
All righty. All right. Well, it's time for you to go and collect watermelons.
Eat watermelons, indeed. I had a paddle this morning, so I'm tired and electrolyte depleted.
So I think that watermelon is going to be doing good. And thank God we're tripping
over them right now. Yeah.
Good. Well, you've enjoyed. I will. I will. and I hope the sun is coming out
(37:07):
and it's a good evening in the garden for you this evening.
Fingers crossed fingers crossed Alright.
Music.
Welcome to Geordie Lass and Doc Sass. One day a Geordie and a Canadian walk
into a bar and decide to start a podcast about relationships and what a topic that is.
Music.
No subjects are off limits, get in touch today with us at geordielass.com or
email info at geordielass.com and let us know what you think and what we should talk about.
(00:24):
Welcome to the podcast. Why, hello everybody. Hello, hello.
Hello. How's it going? I think it's all right. I think it's all right.
Having some sound issues off the top and I'm hiding away in a bathroom as a
recording studio and it's probably about maybe 35 degrees in here,
so it's a bit of a sauna. I'm liking it.
I know, I know. Well, they're supposed to be good for your daily sauna, so.
(00:47):
I think there'll be so many electrolytes that I will have lost and regained. I think I agree with you.
It's going to be pretty awesome. yeah so all is
good all is good it's like the depths of summer but also
the fall is quickly approaching so you know
that thing where i'm like didn't summer just start didn't we
just have june 21st the solstice is it
(01:08):
august middle end of august anyways
just just thinking of winter that's
all definitely hear you definitely hear you i'm still
hoping i'm gonna cling on to a little bit of summer and there's this
kind of late surge of beautiful weather that we're going to to
enjoy totally I did comment that
you are in this beautiful little strappy tank top
(01:30):
and you're looking like really like not overheated
but certainly warm it doesn't look like it's like minus
three out so yeah it's not minus
three yeah I think we're doing all right today good good good
good I've I have been obsessing all the
weekend because in two weeks me and
my daughter are off to see Adele and she's already
(01:52):
opened in Munich and so there's loads
and loads of videos online and I've just
been obsessing watching them all the weekend and I'm getting more and more excited
as the time goes on oh my god oh my god I can't even I can't even I know everyone's
like Taylor Swift I'm like nothing against her but if I had the chance to see
(02:13):
Adele I would see Adele over Taylor Swift?
Yes, I would. I would definitely like to see Taylor Swift. I reckon it would
be an amazing concert. And again, kind of the feed is kind of full of that as well.
And Coldplay, who are also playing in Germany as well right now.
But yeah, I would like to have gone to see Taylor Swift.
I am kind of good. I haven't got tickets, but I'm just beside myself,
(02:35):
the fact that we get to see Adele. I did have tickets once for her concert.
And literally the morning that we woke up, found out the concert was cancelled.
I was so sad. Was that like back when they weren't $1,000?
They were still pricey, the tickets, like, but yeah, not as pricey as they are now, I have to say.
She's got 80,000 people at every single concert.
(02:57):
80,000 people. That's like nearly the population of Jersey.
Like, how mental is that?
It is. And I think maybe a separate podcast, if we were not doing a sex and relationship podcast,
or relationship and sex depending on depending on
what kind of mood he's leading exactly exactly like we
(03:17):
i would love to like have people like explore the psychology
of why taylor swift is just so massive like she's a oh yeah i'm sure there's
a beautiful person she's very talented but yeah what's what's the story anyway
i have no idea that that is like it's like a cult without her leading a cult
it's like a cult following and she's not leading a cult i don't even know But anyways,
(03:39):
it's genius marketing, whatever it is. It is.
Absolutely. We should have a lot of them. No.
Can you imagine?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, okay. So that's a couple of weeks away.
Yeah, it is. Which is super exciting. So, well, before we go there,
(03:59):
tell us about what's going on at the Relationship Desk of Love.
Oh, I'm glad you asked. Yeah.
Right. Okay. Okay, so in and amongst my Adele swooning and scrolling at the
weekend, I also came across a lovely little video which shared a great tip that
we can all put into practice straight away.
Oh. Would you like to know what it is? Of course I would, yes.
(04:23):
Okay, so it's you play this game with yourself in your mind about your partner
and it is she or he loves me. That's the game.
So we are both dating men,
so we would say he loves me so you would say he
loves me because he and you'd
think of something that the person has
(04:43):
done that day or that week that really kind of shows you that they love you
and they care about you so an example would be for me my partner at the weekend
I wasn't feeling very well and he was like don't worry I'll go to the shop to
get whatever it was we needed for dinner so that's He says,
you're not feeling very well. You sit there and rest.
(05:06):
I'll do it. I'll make dinner tonight. You sit and rest.
So you kind of, you start to reinforce why it is you're loved by your partner
by noticing some of those kind of smaller actions that demonstrate love.
Oh my gosh oh that's really cool yeah
especially because like i think i've been taking a note
(05:27):
of like sometimes speaking a third person but
it's really about me if anybody else is like this where you've had a little
bit of past relationship let's just say little purses that you've been carrying
along maybe a few small bags that you have in your past relationships and it
can lead you to actually feel paranoid very mistrusting about whether your partner loves you because of
(05:50):
the past stuff that's happened and you end up kind of
saying to yourself man you know like i think you're i
think you're a bit paranoid i think that you're you're not reading enough
into the good stuff and you're reading too much into the stuff that might be
misconstrued so this feels like the first perfect medication for that time when
you're like oh my friend doesn't love me when you're having those like really
(06:11):
insecure moments and that's what it said in the post it said more often than not, we do it in reverse.
So we'll go, oh, they don't love me because they've forgotten to empty the dishwasher
again for the fifth time this week.
They, you know, they weren't present during a conversation we're having.
They didn't remember it was a special day today for something.
(06:32):
You know, we look for all the negatives and the reasons why we're not loved.
This kind of puts it in complete reverse and turns on its head and says,
no, I'm going to look for all the reasons why I am loved.
Like, Like, why is it that I see this person in my kind of day-to-day life?
Why is it that they are cherishing me? What's the evidence that I can see about that?
(06:53):
I just think it's a really lovely exercise to do. It's a bit of a kind of...
Twist on the kind of top three game that we've
talked about and I'm a big fan of which is
you know what are the top three things that my partner has
done that I really appreciated I'd may add found sexy
whatever kind of capacity you want to or category
(07:14):
you want to think of it as but it is all about this
positivity in the relationship how do we get more of it how do
we understand it how do we step out of this negative thought
patterns that are going on you know I don't know
about you but I swear to god my hormones are all over the
place just you get to
a certain age as a woman and I swear to god it drives
you absolutely insane and it can be really really
(07:37):
difficult to get sucked into that kind of
negativity trap of as you say getting
really paranoid whether it's feeling insecure whatever it is
anxious about your relationship and this can
happen at any time in your life doesn't necessarily have to
mean that you're a woman of a certain age although it's kind of you're
then kind of slightly more prone to it aren't you but it's it's
(07:58):
having some tools some strategies some tips some
ways just to step out of that because the more we notice the negative side of
it the more we'll attract more of that into our lives and it then becomes this
kind of self-fulfilling prophecy which is not the space we want to be in absolutely
and it really does become a self-fulfilling prophecy like you You actually drive somebody away.
(08:20):
Yeah. So true. Yeah. So this is great.
This is great. Because like really like it's watermelon season here in Greece.
So you like pass these fields and there's literally watermelons all over the
place. Like they're just lying around. Right.
I know. They're really lovely. I feel like every episode is a different fruit with you.
Oh, yes. We've had apricots, figs, and now we're on watermelons.
(08:44):
Definitely got fids. No, totally.
Totally. It's like living in Greece. It's like we follow the seasonal patterns.
Yeah, totally. Yeah, so there's going to be a daily fruit, you guys.
Just warning you now. But this exercise is like staring out into a field,
just bursting with watermelons, like lying all over the place.
(09:05):
Because that's really like the positivity in most of our relationships is as
abundant as watermelons all over Greece. Or at least this part of Greece.
You're just tripping over them. But we just don't notice them.
And rather, we're sort of sniffing out the truffles. Now, I have not stepped over a truffle here.
It's still hard to get. I think I still need a little pig to go out and go find a truffle for me.
(09:29):
But yet I seem to find the truffles far more than the watermelons.
The truffles are the negative things. I am just sniffing them out.
So I'm just beseeching all of you like, yeah, I love this exercise.
I'm going to try it because I want to be tripping over watermelons,
not going out and finding things that are rare and buried under the ground.
(09:50):
And that's where my food analogies will rest.
So yeah start looking for the reasons why you're loved by your partner this
week that is our challenge and our gift to you our listeners love it yes give
us feedback info at geordie that's.com indeed okay now we're warmed up shall we take a hot topic.
(10:11):
Music.
Couples that dream together stay together.
Ah, now, I, you know, I do recall a couple I worked with, very, very fond of them.
(10:34):
And one was really saying, I need to dream with you.
Like, you know, they're sort of working on some stuff and I really want to sit
down. I want to dream with you. I want to think about the future.
I want to make future plans.
But the other partner found that really terrifying because their childhood had been very rocky.
Lucky and also the parenting that was
demonstrated to them was not positive and they were terrified to dream or to
(10:58):
set future plans they kind of wanted the same right dream like well what are
we going to build together yeah and they were very reluctant to do this exercise
because they were scared that these dreams would not come true there was an
you know so much insecurity so much uh.
Undeservingness so there was a lot yeah yeah yeah
ah so dreaming together it's sweet i
(11:20):
love it brings a smile to my face but it's not easy so tell
us more what you think of when you think about dreaming together so
for me this is really heavily rooted in
this kind of commitment to a relationship as well i think
the two are kind of are linked because often
when we get a situation where couples can't necessarily think
(11:40):
about the future it's because they've still got this they're
holding on to this kind of doubt or worry concern about
whether actually this is the right relationship for them they're not
fully committed if you're fully committed with somebody
then you're able to sit down and
really kind of depict the future and think about what it might
look like and wonder and talk about it and chat about and connect over you know
(12:04):
really creating this life together that has you know amazing longevity to it
yeah so i think you know and there's been there have been scientific research
done into this this very topic about kind of having shared goals shared dreams dreams,
you know, things that we are working on together as a couple in the future.
So the University of California, they did a study and showed that actually couples
(12:28):
that did have shared goals and shared aspirations that they were working towards had a much,
much greater level of satisfaction and stability in their relationship as a
result of that. Wow. Wow.
It's weird because I think a lot of people would say, yeah, but I thought I
did or do dream with my partner.
And And I think a lot of us think that we're dreaming, but we're not actually setting out real plans.
(12:53):
So what might we be doing that's actually the deep fake of dreaming?
The thing that makes us think we're going deep on really committing and plan
together, but is actually not as deep as it needs to go?
Well, I think it depends kind of how, you know, as you say, kind of how deep do you want to go?
Are you doing everything that's just quite transactional? you know when you're
(13:16):
thinking about the future is it you know well.
We met kind of two years ago, it's now kind of, yep, we should be getting engaged,
then we should be getting married by this date, then we should be having a baby by that date.
It's, that's kind of very kind of timeline driven, isn't it?
It's very at the, you know, kind of top level.
These are the types of things that we're interested in doing.
(13:38):
I think when we want to go kind of much deeper in terms of, you know, shared goals,
dreams, that sort of thing, it's, it's about that kind of
wonderment of what your life could be like and you
know discussing well you know even kind of taking things
to the extreme that you are not allowing yourselves
to be kind of cut off by by what you
(14:00):
perceive to be your reality so we might kind of dream about the fact that you
know one day we'll have an amazing grown-up gap year together or something like
that and then really talk about how that might feel and how excited you'd be
and types of places that you go and what what that would mean to you,
what you'd spiritually like to get from such an experience and,
(14:22):
you know, really go into it on a much deeper level about why something is important
to you, what it means to you.
You know, you might kind of talk about the values that are being honoured by
kind of sharing this dream together and what it means to your relationship.
I think when we can look at some of the things that we want to put in place
so that our relationship is as successful as possible,
(14:45):
all of that is about dreaming as well you know it is about that kind of shared goal,
if you have a conversation that says do you know
I don't want to be one of those statistics I don't want to be the other
50% that splits up in 10 years I want our relationship
to last and I want us to be able to develop
and grow together how do we make that happen what does that look like for us
(15:06):
all of that is about having kind of shared goals aspirations dreams for your
relationship relationship because you're really kind of painting that picture
about who you want to be and then what you'll do over time in order to make that happen.
Oh, wow. Okay. That's amazing. That really paints out the montage for us.
I think the thing that is really important that I kind of glommed on to at the
(15:30):
beginning there is that like kind of the deep fake of dreaming is the timeline
driven project management.
Like first comes the engagement, then comes the wedding, then comes kid one,
then comes a house, then comes a, you know, that makes us think that we're planning
and we can get very busy with the sort of work of planning those steps. but I agree with you.
I think that's where I see people really run off the rails is because it is
(15:54):
very top level and it fails to capture some of the big elements of spirituality,
of physical fulfillment, emotional fulfillment, intellectual fulfillment.
And then if you get caught on that roller coaster of the timeline milestones.
You end up talking a lot, but actually growing farther apart.
And at least one partner is going going to get very frustrated with,
(16:16):
I feel like we're kind of on a conveyor belt, but I don't feel like I'm heard and seen.
And I don't feel like I really know my partner. And I might be getting bored.
And I might be hitting a midlife crisis where I really want to explore myself.
But I feel like my partner and I are so disconnected that we can't take this
journey of exploration together, sort of, you know, mid 40s, mid 50s.
(16:38):
And so I think the big thing is, is just because you talk a lot every day does
not mean you're dreaming.
And just because you talk about future things, I'm going to say that the wedding
invitations probably don't count.
I'm just going to say that. Unless you want to set up a wedding invitation store,
like online store, which would be awesome.
And not to knock like wedding planning, but because of Instagram,
(17:03):
we get so caught up in this transactional, making our lives look perfect.
And curating an image for the rest of the world to see that
we leave leave this gaping hole of fulfillment and
meaning that really hits us from behind we
don't even realize because we've been talking the whole
time yeah so i like what you say that's to bring yeah like bring things back
(17:24):
to kind of why you were doing this why is this important you know not everybody
gets married if you know if we're specifically talking about that then you know
why is it that marriage is important to us what do we want to get out of it
how do we think it's going to enrich our lives together,
what type of husband or wife do I want to be they're the things that kind of
take it to a much deeper level where we can create this beautiful dream you
(17:47):
know that we can start putting in into place now and work towards over time
yeah I like that I like that yeah,
the one thing that I see or hear again and again is like if you're if you're
hearing this you're You're like, yeah, I'm not quite sure if I'm...
Whether you get married or not, whatever you sort of choose as your milestone goals,
(18:08):
and I like that you sort of let it open there, but go back to the first weeks
and months where you met each other and remember those like if you had like
an all night session where there might have been a little bit of sexy times
and a little bit of wine and a little bit of dreaming, right?
Like that kind of unbridled dreaming, that sort of ethos, like there was a time
early, early on where you sort of painted all the colors on the canvas,
(18:31):
on that black canvas together.
Go back to that place because chances are one of the partners remembers that
and says, we used to dream, we don't dream anymore.
So just if you're having a trouble sort of figuring out like well what what
do you mean by by dreaming or by it's it's go back to those initial and and,
(18:52):
just like you say because i always like to go back like what drew
us together in the first place how were we together it
is true we were in our infatuation phase we were showing each other our best
we were like over the moon with each other but there's parts we have to continue
and bring into our relationship for every one of our days together because it's
(19:13):
that dreaming it's that that childlike, it's that what could be,
it's that, you know, say yes, rather than saying no.
Yeah. Let's see what happens, open-mindedness. Those are the things we used
to give each other when we first met each other.
So not forgetting how much we desired each other and how much we desired to
grow old together, to see some of these things, even if we'd just met and,
(19:37):
We didn't know each other's dirty laundry. There was an essence of our real selves that we saw.
And so dreaming requires digging down to that person that you saw when you first met them.
Yeah. I think some of the challenges, and I think in the beginning,
often we don't necessarily share those dreams with each other because it's kind
(20:02):
of just started. You're a little bit nervous.
You're thinking, is it going to last? am I dreaming
something different to my partner do they kind of
they see the relationship progressing in a different way to
me it can be very hard I think to kind of get
that real and vulnerable with each other and share kind of your thoughts
about the future and I think sometimes that
(20:22):
can then continue into kind of your everyday life as well and that could be
the reason why you know we don't have shared dreams is because naturally I don't
really kind of want to open up in case I find out something that I you know
didn't want to hear you know oh wow okay so that's another.
Very very common manifestation yeah yeah
(20:43):
and then there's a whole other thing so how do you decide
that you can trust and be vulnerable I think
what I would say is if you're in a position where you don't feel like
you can share your dreams or hopes or aspirations for
the future with your a partner then I would question how
solid that relationship is if you know is
it that you're going to end up in kind of 10 years time where you realize no
(21:06):
we've got such different outlooks on kind of how we imagine spending our time
together we are kind of poles apart so I think if you're not sure and you're
not able it's definitely something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.
Yeah. And there's two questions is what is my partner doing that takes away
(21:27):
from my ability to trust or to get vulnerable?
What are they doing or not doing? And what am I doing or not doing that is holding
me back from being able to be trusting and to get vulnerable with my partner?
Yep, indeed. And that sounds like a whole other podcast.
But I think, you know, definitely like dare to dream together.
(21:49):
Like who doesn't want to have like a nice dream and and look forward
to something in the future you know and that's they're lovely
things to have and to discuss and just kind
of share with each other you know you know it's lovely
and it's essential it really is yeah and
there are byproducts that come to it you know it brings you closer
together it helps you really cement that
(22:11):
bond it can help with intimacy it can
help with all manner of things because you know these
are the reasons why why why we get in a
relationship in the first place right we want somebody to be
able to kind of share dreams with and enjoy
life with absolutely so yeah get to it start dreaming start dreaming totally
(22:32):
total shout out for that helping with intimacy because the dreaming helps to
build emotional connection and a lot of folks yeah need emotional connection first to be able to
experience or to open up sexual intimacy.
Yeah. Yeah. And as you know, I'm always a fan. Yeah.
(22:53):
All righty. Shall we take a break?
Music.
Today's question. I've noticed my spouse of five years spending a lot of time
texting someone from work.
They're always smiling at their phone. Should I be concerned?
(23:16):
Oh my gosh, who has not had this happen to them? Oh my gosh,
talking about paranoia.
This is getting my temperature up even listening to this question.
Okay, so what's going on for you?
Because like, oh, this drives me personally crazy oh I
think mobile phones are like they really are so
(23:37):
toxic inside relationships aren't they
they can be such a kind of just a
really bad thing I think preach Sarah tell us
yes totally well we're just obsessed like
and I'm including myself in that as well like I've just said
I spent kind of all weekend looking at Adele videos online because I'm
excited about going but it just causes this
(23:58):
real kind of barrier doesn't it in relationships like when
you've got they're kind of even just having a present it's you
know you you haven't got that same level of attention you haven't got that same
level of connection I think so that's kind of one side of it I think the second
side obviously there's there's clearly something going on here around kind of
(24:19):
you know texting somebody else they're they're making you happy and.
I would imagine then the thought process is, well, I'm not making you happy
because you don't look or smile at me like that.
You don't, you know, you're not interacting with me in the same way.
Yet, who's this other person that's got all your attention?
I imagine, you know, that does cause an issue in a relationship.
Oh, it does. I mean, yeah, we've discussed in the past, haven't we,
(24:42):
about like what is emotionally cheating?
Like, is it like what is an affair? Like something that is kind of one definition
to somebody else would be a different definition to somebody else.
You know this person could be thinking well are they
are they cheating on me is it an actual real affair or
is it an emotional connection and is
that still kind of bad enough oh my gosh totally and a wonderful woman that
(25:06):
i respect so much she was saying that she entered the workforce the corporate
work workforce in the 90s there were no phones there was no email yeah and so
when you left on friday at five o'clock yeah you were gone for the weekend you
took vacation you were off.
Nobody could reach you and there was
no such thing as a work husband or a work wife yeah
(25:27):
right because you're not like sitting and texting each other
all night about like oh did you hear what the boss said so just to reiterate
like it's you know it's so funny that this lovely woman she says like i sure
as heck say like say i wish i could be back to the good old days she's like
what of today has made us any happier she's like you know back when i started
(25:47):
i was able to shut off so i I mean, really,
we've lost so much with our mobile phones,
which is this ridiculous thing that we haul along with us.
So now we have to think about like emotional connections at work that are like,
you can always sort of explain them away. Oh, we're working on a really big project together.
Oh, something funny happened at the office. And we, you know,
(26:09):
when you say like, where's the line to draw?
Nobody knows. And the problem is, it's probably just diving way into emotional
connection that really...
Is not in integrity with your intimate relationship.
And we, but yet we justify it somehow like, oh, it's the project.
(26:30):
Oh, there was this funny thing. Oh, you know, we've got, we've got a lot of
shared stress together, et cetera, et cetera.
So the, the unfortunate thing is that it is so normalized that to say,
okay, you know what, I'm going to put my foot down and And I'm going to not
entertain work colleagues from texting outside of work hours.
(26:52):
Many would say, oh, you're just being controlling. You know, it's normal.
But yeah, divorce is pretty normal too. You know, we don't want to strive for
normal. That's the thing.
I think, I mean, it doesn't say in the question, but I'm guessing that the person that the.
The male or female is texting with i'm assuming they're of the opposite sex
(27:15):
and that's why this is kind of a thing or a challenge or the same sex if they're
in kind of a gay relationship but,
and i think this is the thing for me as well is if
if let's say it's a heterosexual couple if it
was a man texting a man and you were smiling and laughing
and kind of having fun would that bother this
(27:35):
person as much or is it that it is a member from the opposite sex and they're
in a heterosexual relationship so that is one thing I would kind of like dig
into a little bit because often we don't kind of you know maybe we don't mind
as much if it's you know kind of a.
Female relationship and you're you know you're texting
(27:56):
another female like we seem to
get these kind of stories or these ideas about kind of
what else is going on and we can attach different
meanings to it in different circumstances so I
would kind of dig a little bit around that with the
with the listener I think the other thing I would
say is you know if you've got a problem if there's something not working
find a constructive way to raise
(28:20):
that and I think the challenge is when we leave
it and let it you know we ignore it and we just leave it
to fester it will it will come out
because it'll come out in a kind of more vengeful way
than it does if you just say look you
know I've really noticed over the last couple of weeks that you
have been kind of on your phone texting quite a
(28:40):
lot with that you know whatever the person is from work
and you know I can see it's bringing you
a lot of kind of happiness and joy I have to say I'm not
feeling the same experience from it like what are
your thoughts oh yeah i like that
and to go further to say look you know.
I feel like i used to
(29:00):
bring that same smile to your face i feel like yeah because
then really what it does is it really comes into clear view
this is a an audit of your relationship like we used
to make each other laugh like this what has happened oh
the kids oh the job oh it's been been so long you know we're now comfortable
together but really I mean the the cool thing is that this starts with I see
(29:25):
that smile on your face that I haven't seen in quite some time and somebody
else is bringing it out in you but really what it invites two people to do is to.
Spring clean clean their relationship to say like what will where did our smile
go and how can we think about bringing that back because maybe that relationship,
(29:46):
texting relationship is fine and nothing much has to be done about it.
Maybe this is actually wait where did our smiles go where did our laughter go
yeah yeah that's the biggest question yeah exactly the thing that you often
start with you know is kind of saying oh you know I'm a bit unhappy that this
kind of you know my partner is texting somebody else,
(30:09):
but if we kind of like drop that down a little bit more and said well kind of
why is it that that's bothering you what else is kind of surrounding that we
generally find there's There's more to it.
There's more to the kind of story than that first initial kind of question that's being posed.
And that's where the kind of the work is that needs to be done,
because if you were in a more kind of stable position, if you were happier with
(30:32):
each other, if you were kind of bringing each other that much joy,
would that same scenario bother you in that situation?
Possibly not, because you're feeling quite secure and connected and it doesn't
actually matter who we talk to outside of that.
You're absolutely right. And it is really important to have this conversation
because you'll be very surprised.
(30:54):
Let's say you're saying, look, I noticed that you're texting somebody.
You've got a smile on your face.
I used to see that smile. I don't anymore. You may hear something super surprising
like, you used to laugh at my jokes and I find you don't laugh at my jokes anymore.
And actually, I find that you laugh a lot more when like Martin comes over.
(31:14):
It can surprise you that the behavior that
you're seeing is actually a response to a behavior that you're
putting out there that you're not even noticing so like yeah put
your seatbelt on be prepared to hear something really interesting such
as you know and I remember this I remember a former relationship
and I remember I was just tickled pink by a former
relationship their friend and their friend just said something
(31:37):
funny and I just thought it was the most hilarious thing ever and I
looked at my partner at the time and I saw
that look on their face like really hurt and
it's so silly like it's so silly but like when
you no longer laugh at your partner's jokes I know that sounds crazy and and
then if you're laughing at somebody else's jokes oh my gosh I know it's so silly
(31:58):
but well humor is a big thing in relationships isn't it you know how many times
do you hear somebody saying I'm looking for a partner that can make me laugh
I'm looking for Or, you know,
you hear that come up more often than I'm looking for somebody who's tall, dark and handsome.
Oh, yeah. How many hinge profiles?
Totally. Yeah, I want somebody that I can have fun with. At the end of the day,
(32:21):
whether it's a major value of yours or not, we want to have fun as human beings.
There's so much centered around actually helping us to have fun.
You know, when you look at how the world is built and made up,
it is a big part of our everyday life. so I think it is a big thing in a relationship you want.
Brings you you know it's another form of connection isn't it it's
(32:43):
another bond because we share a similar sense of
humor or we can kind of make fun of
each other about not on a mean way you know
in a kind of in a way that's acceptable to both of us we
can kind of you know take the mickey out of each other and and
kind of take joy and pleasure from that it's it
is about that is creating that kind of
(33:04):
shared connection i think totally especially for
people who love to make people laugh and
love to make their partner laugh that is it's a
skill and a talent that actually they yeah it's
a it's a gift now again like if somebody gives
a gift it it's not necessarily the recipient values
it as much as the giver but for those folks out
(33:26):
there who have a good sense of humor and they really love making people laugh
you can be sure that it is like a gift that they're giving and they want you
to take the gift and appreciate it so i absolutely absolutely but But the right
answer is not to just stonewall and build up resentment and then,
you know, slam the kitchen cupboards around after you see your partner texting
(33:50):
with a smile on their face.
Like, that's the thing that I've done a lot and didn't get me anywhere, folks.
Oh, hey, we've all been there. Yeah. Yeah. Do as I say and not as I do.
Oh, I tell you. But yeah, no, I mean, what's really important is to really sit
with yourself first and figure out like, why does this bug me so much?
(34:10):
Yeah, why is this a problem yet? And whenever answer comes up,
ask that question again. No,
why does it bother me so much? Keep asking yourself, why does it bug you?
Why does it bug you? And just dig deep, dig deep. And then...
Have a good old conversation with your partner. Yeah, it'll be hard.
Dynamics. This is just all about relationship dynamics, isn't it? Yeah.
(34:32):
Interpretation of what's going on. Yeah. Don't leave it under the rug.
Do not, no. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man.
So, I feel like I've had a little mental workout today.
I know, I know. It is good. Well, and also,
like, you know, it's the lazy days of summer, but soon people will be
(34:52):
shift i think people are even shifting gears now into back to
school back into the routines coming back from
the holidays where maybe they weren't needing to set their
alarm and then back into the swing of things so lots of
new beginnings this week yeah and this next couple of
weeks yeah and as ever start communicating
a bit more look for the positives yeah celebrate the love that you have for
(35:15):
each other yeah and let's all get off our damn phones just for a little bit
just for a little bit yeah we are all addicted oh my gosh i tell you i think
there'll be a i reckon there'll be some sort of reckoning i don't know like some sort of.
Rebellion against away from it all i think my faith
is solidly in gen z and gen alpha
(35:38):
and stuff like the new generation coming up because they're
going back to the flip phones they're going back the analogs i
i swear like i'm just waiting for them to bring
back the time when when we leave a 5 p.m or
we leave for a weekend or a holiday that we can truly disconnect because honestly
nobody's that important i know to have to have their time divided between their
(36:01):
family and you know having to be on their laptop i am guilty of it like you
know what we're not that important
we can take a vacation I know I know that yeah well I'm a big fan of switching
off like I have to say especially for holidays I think it's very important should all be doing it,
totally in fact to all the people who just don't hear from me ever it's because
(36:24):
I just forget my phone I literally do but I'm a terrible communicator and so
there's a trade-off yeah,
sorry to everyone I was gonna say I don't think we can't blame the phone Anna
there are some things that are just intrinsic in us.
Very fair. Fair, Sarah. Thanks for pointing that out. You are right. I'll accept that.
(36:45):
All righty. All right. Well, it's time for you to go and collect watermelons.
Eat watermelons, indeed. I had a paddle this morning, so I'm tired and electrolyte depleted.
So I think that watermelon is going to be doing good. And thank God we're tripping
over them right now. Yeah.
Good. Well, you've enjoyed. I will. I will. and I hope the sun is coming out
(37:07):
and it's a good evening in the garden for you this evening.
Fingers crossed fingers crossed Alright.
Music.
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