"It's A Great Feeling Knowing I'm Not Alone."

We welcome back Kacey and say hello to Nick. We discuss how frequently we don't see the signs of PTSD until many years later. We ask Nick what finally motivated him to get help and we ask what he's looking forward to the most on the other side of Camp Hope. He then goes on to share his story on his road to hope. 

Episode Transcript

(00:04):
Multiple people in my family clean myfather, are veterans, troops that have
been to war and now they're backand think and be grateful for their service,
sacrifice, love for their country,just unselfishness, all that they do
for us. There are some peoplein this country who take extraordinary steps to
provide for the freedom and security.We forget that those people exist. We

(00:27):
know them as the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast
Guard. They call themselves soldiers,seals, rangers, airmen, sailors,
devil dogs, and so much more. We call them fathers, brothers,
sons and husbands, mothers, daughters, sisters and wives. We call them

(00:49):
friend and neighbor. These veterans answeredthe call, now we answer Theirs are
the best our country has to offer, and we love them. Today,
we honor them and we serve them. David Malsby is your host, and

(01:12):
he welcomes you to this community ofveterans. As together we are building the
road to hope and we are gladto have you along on the KPRC the
nine to five oh of those ofyou listening through that technology in the Houston
every thank you for listening. Weappreciate it. Immensely two weeks ago about

(01:34):
let's see, about an hour anda half ago, we got the first
outer band reigns at our house fromthis little thing called Beryl, which is
the third hurricanes since I've lived here, and the least of the three.
And it's still hot in a lotof people's houses. It is so st

(02:00):
But surviving the storm was fine.The after storm has been just stupid.
But anyway, we're here to havea good time and the world traveler is
back with us. We're so gladto have Ramon back after traveling the world,
shaking hands, signing autographs, thatgreat stuff, signing receipts, that

(02:23):
what it was. Yeah, yes, anyway, those of you listening KPRC,
thank you for doing so. Thoseof you listening through the magic of
podcasts, we particularly appreciate it whenyou not only listen to it, but
you share. Uh there's seven yearsworth of stories comments about what's going on
in the veteran community. We reallyappreciate you sharing that. It's absolutely free

(02:45):
and it's way anyone can be involvedin helping us reach veterans before they become
one of those statistics that no onelikes to think about or talk about So
thank you for sharing. Wherever youlisten to podcasts, just look for Road
to Hope Radio and there it isbig things to sponsors lost this opportunity to
spend all the time with you eachand every week. Are awesome friends that

(03:07):
Jimmy Chong is fresh, mechs fun. Any days a good day for some
casos to go by there pick upthe Plato Sodado. You're gonna have a
lot of food. It's really goodfood and it makes contribution to the PTSD
Foundation of America. Last update Isaw is a lower approaching one point five
million dollars that have been donated tothe foundation through the purchase of the Plato

(03:30):
Sodado. So big, big thankyou, and you're you know you're gonna
have fun. It's good food.It's just great experience. So Jimmy Chong
gets fresh, makes fun and nowthat lost, most of us think have
gotten our power back on regardless,still special moments, special people in your

(03:50):
life. A Corey Diamond and DesignACRI A Corey Diamond Design and Friends with
two A one four two forty sevenfifty five. If it's too far for
you to drive, just give thema call. They will take care of
you. Zoom technology whatever it takesbillion Connie can take great care of you.
Making a purchase like that. Ijust can't imagine doing it anywhere else

(04:12):
with anyone. I just I can'timagine it. These people love and support
our organization. Let's love and supportthem back oapsteam dot com. Because well,
by the way, I don't knowthat anybody actually had a lot of
water issues. I'm sure some fromthe trees falling through roofs. I shouldn't
laugh, but anytime something like thathappens, oopsteam can take care of all

(04:36):
of that, not the roof,but everything water. You can be all
right over there, Casey evening Colinwell Over, he can't make it through
the introduction. That's our local marine. Thank you oapsteam dot com for all
the messes and water remediation all that. Can you say? Water remediation?

(05:00):
What color is it? Red?Welcome back, Casey? Missed last week
anyway, maybe the last two weeksstorm? Yeah, just last week because
of the storm. Yeah, Ithink I don't know a resident marine marine.
Yeah, glad to be back.It's good to be back. Somehow

(05:20):
still has a job with us.Clearly my paperwork hadn't made it through the
HR. Well, you know,maybe you're not writing it right. I
probably sent it to the wrong place. You did grow up in Oklahoma?
I don't know. Did they teachall these things in school? They didn't
have computers when I was in school. But did they teach you to write?

(05:40):
Yes? With an IBM typewriter ina white out white out? That
was sure was the IBM and notthat hard one that you had. Yes.
Anyway, we also have one ofthe guys from our program at Camp
Hope. Right now, you wantto introduce yourself? Yes, Yeah,
my name is Nicholas Nick Smith.Do you prefer Nicholas or Nick? It

(06:01):
either one, but right now wecan go by Nick. Few it's your
name. I like Nick. Okay, go ahead. Branch where you served?
I was in the Army nineteen Deltaand Calgarry Scout. I'm originally from
Albuquerque, New Mexico. Served inoperation during Freedom twenty eleven twenty twelve and
did just under five years Albuquerque.Yeah you were you raised there or born

(06:25):
and raised? Okay? Yeah?Balloom festival? Yes, the one thing
beautiful. Beautiful may be the onlything, but it is beautiful. Yeah,
I would love to see it sometimes. Yeah, they won't let me
go because I don't know. Theykeep saying it is fun to stay here,
It is really fun. Oh,I bet. I have never been
in one. I don't want to. I never never. There was no

(06:46):
escape patch. Yeah, there's justno way. If it goes down,
you're you're done. I'd rather bein a helicopter something to protect. There's
no steering wheelless big as this table. Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
I'm not afraid of heights, butI'm not stupid either. It's like I'm
gonna go up in a balloon.Yeah, I'm stupid, but that's stupid.

(07:08):
You know how that goes anyway.Okay, I'm a Querque Army served
in Afghanistan twenty eleven. You saidto twenty eleven. Twenty twelve is as
long as your deployment ten months?Ten months? Yeah, good times.
All right, we will pick upon your story. We'll I don't know,
who knows, who knows what we'lldo today. Ramon's back. I

(07:29):
haven't seen him in a while.I've seen you in a while, Casey.
It was just weird. Just there'sno communication now, absolutely no community.
That was the most frustrating thing thatwork anyway, done with the storm
onward and four we go. We'llbe back back with more of road to
Hope Radio. I guess it's justthey won't. Are there any songs about

(08:18):
slanted roofs. I'm just probably don'twant to hear it. If there is,
uh yeah, watch out for they'redangerous. They apparently are for someone.
I'm even our bravest men, areour bravest men. Anyway, Yeah,
that's nothing of that. Welcome backto Rhodep Radio. We're where we

(08:39):
have no slanted roofs here so slantedthat a dead body wouldn't roll off,
you know, Yeah, I justyou know the things that you just there's
no way, no possible way they'reever going to be able to explain this
to me in a way that's acceptable. It's just there's no possible way.

(09:01):
Anyway. We're on work for infantry, right. Actually I was a Calvary
Scout Color Scouts, Calvary scout okay, similar similar to infantry. Yeah,
not a sniper. I was adesignated marksman. Oh yeah, no,
it's like a baby sniper. Haveyou ever been on a slant roof?

(09:22):
Have I ever been? Yes?Yes, I have, and you're still
alive. Christmas lights the world ona slanted roof, and he lived to
tell the story. It's amazing Christmaslights. Okay, all right, all
right, so designated marksman. Yes, that was just one. That was
one of the one thing. Uhwell, I was a command driver for
a little bit and uh and thenjust uh, you know, I I

(09:46):
think you guys would know it wasjust a rifleman. But I mean just
carried a standard to him four.But uh when standard standard, bro,
we didn't have in force, hada cock, dude, So what you're

(10:09):
telling me is you're a fairly goodshot. Yes, okay, that I
would consider myself a good shot.I don't know about now. My eyes
are gotten kind of bad since sinceI've gone out. So that's that's called
age, bro. Yeah, Ithink that's what it is. All right.
Well, so I'm not not gonnatest you either way. Uh yeah,

(10:30):
I'm gonna take your word for it. He's a good shot. Leave
them alone. Don't mess with thatone. Uh yeah, I don't know
designated marksman. I knew some.I knew a couple of guys in the
Marine Corps that were designated marksman.One of my buddies was in security forces,
and I thought I was a prettygood shot. And then I was
like I looked at his score andI was like, yeah, no,
I'm done. I'm out. I'mtapping out. I'm done. You go

(10:52):
ahead and have that. Yeah.So you did a few different things while
you were in the army. Yeah, what was your typical job in Afghanistan?
Typical day job was, you know, uh, presence patrol, you
know, going and having k leekey leader engagements with with with the elders,

(11:13):
uh, asking them what they need. You know, normally it's money,
food, you know, uh,even even education, you know,
certain certain things, and then wewould take that information back. And also
we would do just you know,security, just going around training the A
and A, the Afghan National Armyand uh showing them not how to do
their job, but a combined effortand you know, into working with them

(11:39):
and how to better their tactics whenit comes to policing just the general area.
And also I mean the Taliban andthe Talban, they're they're out there
and they aren't necessarily influential, butthey they will manipulate and they will do
a lot of a lot of prettynasty things. So yeah. I also
I also worked with Border Patrol fora little bit too. Okaya, is

(12:03):
any never mind, leave that alone, like everybody else is. Sorry,
I just sort of slipped out.So all right, did you join the
army right out of high school?Negative? I see. I I was

(12:28):
an athlete in high school and Iwanted I had it set in my mind
that I was going to get ascholarship. I was going to get a
football scholarship position. I played widereceiver and free safety, and I was
better. I was better at freesafety. I like defense, like hitting
people. Yeah that and just thewhole you know, last line of defense
kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. And at the time, I was

(12:48):
skinnier and I was fast, andI had it in my mind. I
was like, Okay, I'm goingto get a scholarship and I'm going to
go play Division one football. Andthat didn't happen to none of the Division
one schools. You know that.I had kind of a rough year my
senior year. Nothing no injuries oranything. It was just just a rough,
just a rough didn't go the wayI expected. And uh uh.

(13:11):
You know, a few Division twoschools and junior colleges, they they were
interested, but I was stubborn.So stubborn, I was like, I
want to go Division one. SoI tried to walk on New Mexico State
down in mos Crusees, New Mexico. I tried to walk on and uh,
you know that that you know Imade. I made. I'm not
gonna say I made a mistake,but you know, I could have been

(13:31):
a little bit more mature about it, because there's guys that, I mean,
even Randy Moss went to you know, a smaller, smaller college and
then then went Division one, andI just I just you got too it
was too much of me. Istarted partying. I had a motorcycle at
the time, you know, soI thought I was like I thought I
was like the coolest thing around.Stopped going to practice, and you know,

(13:54):
then then my grades are failing,and all of a sudden, my
dad and my dad's like, well, I'm not going to pay for your
school if you're going to be likethis. You know, I was adopted
and you so my dad's like,I'm not going to pay for your school
and you better figure something out.Wink wink. Ex military father. You
know, So I had had acouple, had a couple buddies that uh

(14:16):
that joined. They both joined theMarines, and uh, I I found
I found an army recruiter. Uhand uh he had a motorcycle. I
had a motorcycle, you know,So I mean it was it was it
was an easy catch for him.And when I when I originally joined,
I was like, I want tobe in a tank tank And then I

(14:37):
had think I'm six three perfect.Yeah. And then one of the recruiters,
there's a little short recruiter. Theguy's about five foot six, five
foot seven, and he's like,son, I'm big for a tanker,
you know. He looks at me, and uh. And then I saw
that. I saw the sabers andI saw the stets, and then I

(14:58):
was like wow. I was like, I want to do that, you
know, the cavalry, you know. And then I'm watching watching the videos.
They're riding dirt bikes in the mountains, you know, ghillie suits,
and you know, there's all kindsof all kinds of cool things, and
you know, I knew it wasn'tgoing to be exactly that, you know,

(15:18):
being an athlete, you know,I kind of heard stories and and
everything from my parents. I mean, my dad was Air Force. I'm
not ragging on the Air Force,but you know, so I knew,
I knew it was it was goingto be an experience at that and uh,

(15:39):
you know, I I enlisted,and uh I went to college for
one more semester. Tried to justI don't I don't know why, don't
you know? I mean, Iactually I actually didn't do that bad.
But you know I ended up inJanuary eight, two thousand and nine,
I went to Fort Knox, Kentucky, and uh that was that was the
beginning of my military career. Allright. You said you were young,

(16:03):
and when you were younger, youwere I've been trying to play football.
You mentioned you were skinnier and fast. Yes, for the record, I
was skinnier as well. I wantto I want to see proof of that.
No, I'm just there's proof.I didn't. I didn't think it
happened to me. I did notthink it happened to me. I was

(16:23):
not fast, you remind I wasneither nor I was a little bit thinner,
we'll say, yeah, okay,and I wasn't very fast, but
I had no fear. All right, So you saw some cool things decided
that's what I want to do.Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean

(16:45):
like I saw the saber right thenI saw the stats in one of those
and uh, okay, can Iearn it? Just yea in his mind
that that's what. Yeah, youknow, I still as young. I
was nineteen, you know, soI had that that gung home mentality insurance.
I was like, I want toget it, give me a gun.
I want to go go, youknow, getting a gun fight.

(17:08):
And all right, you know soand so I didn't I when I took
out you go to Houston. Well, when I when I took the as
vacuum break days and in high school, in high school, you know,
I I my grades weren't bad.I was, I was. I was
pretty good, pretty good at schooland in college, you know I when
I went to class, my gradeswere good. And uh, you know,

(17:30):
so I took the ASVAP and Idid alright on it. And I
could have had a lot of differentjobs, but I wanted I wanted that.
I wanted that. Uh, allright, nitty gritty, We're going
to take a quick news break forthose listening on the kp r C and
H on the other side. We'llbe right back. And theyve into your
story, what happened when you camehome? All right, we're back more
of Roadhope Radio. In the timewhen I was born, lived them who

(18:03):
sailed to see Honey told all hislife in the land of submarines. So
we say to the sun because stillwe fa this is fun. Everybody sing

(18:26):
along. Welcome back to Road toHope Radio. By the way, this
Saturday, Korean War veterans Armistice Day, say Armistice, arm arm Armistice.
They're gonna serve Worcestershire at the armistice? What is that? What is that

(18:48):
meaning? To armistice? So itwas not a complete end of the war,
just a cease fire. Oh okay, cease hostilities, but there were
there's no peace treaties and time out. Yeah, basically like a time we
can fire back up anytime. Yeah. Yeah. My grandfather was in Korea
in fifties. Yeah. Yeah,So if you know Korean veteran you might

(19:11):
mention that to them. This comingSaturday. We've had I think one of
the great things about our organization iswe're not strictly post nine to eleven guys.
We've got plenty of guys from thathave come through from Vietnam era.
We've had some Korean War vets thatwe've talked to. I don't think any
of them have ever been in ourprogram that I recall. There's been a

(19:33):
couple that I've seen at warrior groupsthat we've done the Korean War. Yeah,
I talked with one. This wasactually before we even opened Camp Hope.
I talked with one for quite awhile and he was telling me about
his experience, and he was hedid according to him, he said he
did great until sometime in the midto late eighties he retired, and shortly

(20:00):
after he retired he started having youknow, basically night terrors, flashbacks,
that kind of thing, and itshook him because you know, this was
fifty something years later, or notfifty something, but a lot of years
later. That would have been thirtysomething years later before he started having any
signs of PTSD, and of coursethat being the case, particularly mid to

(20:26):
late eighties. I mean, theVA has learned a lot since then,
but they definitely weren't doing much aboutit then, so that nothing really happened.
But he did start seeing a therapistI think outside the VF I remember
his story correctly, that helped him, but Yeah, that's not an unusual

(20:51):
story for us guys. Do Okay, coming home, going back to life.
Then later on and for whatever reason, maybe something triggers it, or
in this particular instance, just havingtime on his hands and started feeling the
uh, the effects of the traumathat he experienced in Korea. Uh,

(21:15):
you were there in eleven. Whendid you come on? When did you
get out of the out of thearmy. I got out in twenty thirteen,
thirteen. Yeah, March fifth,twenty thirteen. Okay, when did
you first notice something's not right orsomething's different. It was pretty much instantly
after or after coming home from thefrom the tour. Yeah, it was

(21:40):
after like after I'm still coming homefrom the tour, and I was.
I was just talking about this today. One of the things about my enlistment
was is I was. I wasin the States for a long time,
technically before I even deployed the formy very first time for and I only
have one deployment, So I was, I was. I was in the
States for about three and a halfyears, doing you know, training,

(22:02):
doing all I did border patrol forabout I worked with Border Patrol for about
six seven months. But we wehad we I had that that routine,
you know what I mean, andyou know, every night, every weekend,
you know, we have we're havingyou know, I'm I start drinking.
And uh. When I came backfrom Afghanistan, I tried to go
back into that same routine, andI did, and instantly there's just this

(22:27):
this new intensity to to my actionsand how I am and right away,
you know, I and and ontop of that, you know, I
ended up getting married right right whenI got back. So I put myself
in this. I had this wholeplan while I was in Afghanistan what I
wanted in my life and how Ithought it was going to be. And

(22:48):
then I acted the same way,you know, and had brought in brought
in Like I said, that intensity, this this this unspoken of you know,
ferociousness. That that was PTSD thatI was that I was using as
as something that like I don't notI don't really know how to explain it,

(23:11):
you know, kind of like ahardcore type of type of personality that
turned that. But it was toxic. It was toxic and very very very
bad for me. Did you talkto anyone about it while you were still
in the army? No, No, I didn't. I didn't know it
was the thing like it was meand you know, and a bunch of
a bunch of my friends. Weall came back and uh, you know,
we we didn't really talk much aboutI mean we would we would have

(23:33):
these souped up stories that we wouldtalk to girls and stuff about like what
what happened? And and it justthat just intensified it. And but when
it came to the actual, theactual you know, psychological part of it,
the depression, the the what whatlike what where where was I you
know, I was on the almoston the opposite side of the world,

(23:56):
and you know, we saw somethings with something there, you know,
things things happened, you know,I have it was a non compact related
TBI, but I mean I endedup hitting my head real hard out there,
and you know, like there's alot of things that happened and coming
back into this this environment, youknow, you think you got it under
control, but there's so many underlyingthings that we don't have, we don't

(24:18):
have the answers for when there arepeople out there. But it's that whole
reaching out thing that that that's that'sthe that's the hard part. Yeah,
So you started feeling something that evenwhile you were still in the alter but
you would come back from the deployment. Yeah, I was feeling depressed.

(24:38):
I was feeling you know, andI was someone that you know, I
never really suffered from depression. Inever you know, I I I was
always a real outgoing, talkative person, you know, had a bunch of
friends. So coming back and havingthat alone time or being by myself,
you know, sitting there and havingthese these thoughts of like, you know,

(24:59):
just just like not that just helplessness, you know, like and and
interactions with people. You know,it comes to almost a victim type of
type of mentality and you don't noticeit, you know, and you you
stack up all these things, youknow, all these lies, all these
things on top of each other,and it came crashing down. M okay,

(25:25):
Uh, who did you first talkto or who first talked to you
about? Hey, something's got tochange here. The originally when the first
person I talked to this is afterI already got out of the military and
everything was ironically a police officer Ihad to run in had, you know,
had a run in with the law. Coppa's ex military and was like,
man, you do not seem likethis is who you are. There's

(25:48):
there's there's way, there's things foryou out there. And this this was
in Tacoma, Washington, and uh, you got I got connected to a
social worker and everything, because Imean I was, I was, I
was living rough in Tacoma, Washington. And this police officer actually directed me
towards a social worker and told meabout Camp Hope. But haven't say that
again. Directed me towards a socialworker who knew about Camp Hope. Social

(26:14):
worker there, Yeah, okay,But the way that that officer was real
open with me, real laughing,joking, you know, even drove me
to the VA a few times.You know, that was something that you
don't You just don't see that thatoften. Sure, well, and I
think we've seen that. We've seenmore of that in the last i'd say

(26:40):
seven eight years. There's you know, the Veterans' courts have been popping up
across the country. That was reallykind of a novel thing here in Houston.
I'm blues up two thousand and eight, I believe when Judge Carter launched
the Veterans Group here, and thenover the years they start popping up.

(27:03):
But I think a lot of policeofficers were coming back. A lot of
men were coming back from serving andthen they were joining local police departments.
And as that happened, men whohad been on deployments were coming back and
serving as all law enforcement. Likewhat the story you just described. I've
heard those stories multiple times where anofficer got it, he understood, so

(27:27):
they wanted to try to find away to help instead of just will just
lock him up because that's what theydeserve. So fortunate for you that that's
the officer. Yeah, caring across. Yeah, very very fortunate, very
fortunate. Why I Takoma, Well, see, originally I saw, I
got out of the military, startedhaving problems in my marriage, got separated,

(27:51):
ended up getting an annoyment, andhad a buddy that I was in
the army with you went to Koreaand then he then he got stationed.
He was from Tacoma, Wa,Washington, got stationed there and he caused
me and he was like, hey, man, I hear you're having a
kind of a rough time. Whenyou get back up on your feet,
I got a place for you uphere, you know. And he's like,

(28:11):
I just got married, I hada kid, and for some reason
where that. You know, we'retwenty four, twenty five years old together.
Yeah, that's gonna work. That'sgonna work. And I moved up
there. I took a greyhound upthere, my last four hundred dollars,
took a greyhound up to Tacoma,Washington and got there, got a job.
You know, I was working ina lumber warehouse in Auburn. And
we'll pick up on that age justa second. Take a quick break for

(28:34):
more information not only on Camp Hopeor residential program for veterans and combat trauma.
We also have support groups. Allthat information is available website PTSD USA
dot org, PTSD Post Traumatic StressDisorder PTSDUSA dot org. We'll take a
quick break, will be right back. I'm so and we welcome you back.

(29:18):
Welcome back to Road to Hope Radio. Glad to have you with us.
We know was you was. Weshared some of these stories. Sometimes
they can trigger some things, ormaybe you know someone that their story sounds
an awful lot like the story youare hearing today from Nick. The number
to call anytime day or night,any day of the week, any day

(29:40):
of the year eight seven seven sevenone seven seventy eight seventy three. There's
a lot of sevens in the eightseven seven seven one seven seventy eight seventy
three or PTSD seven eight seven sevenseven one seven PTSD if you want to
do it that way, a combatthat's going to answer the phone. So
that's I cannot overstate that how importantthat is to a veteran who is experiencing

(30:04):
combat trauma crisis. Eight seven sevenseven seven seventy eight seventy three. Okay,
So working in UH in Tacoma,right, things started falling apart there.
Well, you see, I'm I'mout there in Tacoma. My buddy,

(30:26):
he's working on getting out of themilitary, just had back surgery,
you know, so he's sitting athome and uh, and you know that
was that was where that was wherethe drugs. That was when the drugs
started with me, and uh,you know, I had stopped going to
work, you know, started hangingout around the wrong people, you know,

(30:47):
and then next thing, you know, me and me and the guy
getting in an argument and I'm outon the streets. And you know,
from then, you know, Iwas going in and out of in and
out of shelters, living in inhotels and uh, not seeking any help.
You know that. I know it'sthat that that rebellious thing, that

(31:10):
rebellious things. Some people have itworse than others. Mine seemed to be
a little bit, a little bitsevere, you know that, not wanting
to do anything for myself, youknow, not you know, trying to
get trying to get any type ofpercentage or disability rating, you know,
just feeling sorry for myself. Anduh and I I tried to I try
to carry that out, try totry to find a way to manipulate people

(31:36):
into saying like this, this ishow I am now, and this it's
it's just because of you know,everything that I've gone through, you know,
but I'm not going to do anythingabout it. I'm not going to
seek that help. I'm just gonnafurther, you know, poison my body
and poison my mind and and andbecome an actual problem, you know,
not just for my family, butyou know, for for people around and

(31:59):
not doing anything productive. And youknow it it's embarrassing, you know,
it's something that and when when Isay embarrassing, I'm not talking about actually
the PTSD. I'm talking about youknow, certain certain actions, certain things,
certain things that happened and at thesame time, you you think you

(32:22):
have the answers, you think youknow what it is. You're just it's
just that's how it is. Andwhat what finally motivated you to seek the
help. Well, you see,I've been to Afghanistan ten months, came
back unharmed, you know, nothingat all. And you know I got
stabbed eight times on the streets,on the streets and Tacoma, Washington,

(32:43):
just you know, not a randomperson. But you know it's just an
argument between between someone who not anacquaintance, you know. And I ended
up getting stabbed eight times. Andafter that happened, you know, I
was laying on the ground and Iwas like, wow, I I'm not
this is this is in for me. I've I've lived that good life.

(33:07):
I know, I know what whatmy potential is and this this, this,
this is informed me. I'm notI'm not gonna die, you know,
laying under some bridge. You know, no one knows I'm a vetter,
no one knows anything about me.And that that that was a huge
eye opener and something that that toldme that you know what you need to

(33:27):
you need to get better, youneed to get help. But I have
to know I didn't. I didn'twant to admit it. But that's that's
a rude awakening. How long haveyou been at camp now, I've been
in camp for about three months?Okay, what what are we learning?
I am learning that I have tohit this faith thing and devotion every single

(33:49):
day. Not because I'll go gooff track, but that's it, but
because I know that that's what Ineed. And I'm I'm bringing out this
potential, this whatever it is that'sinside me that I know that I know
I have you know, I havemoments when I jumble my words and and

(34:12):
I've done this recovery thing before.You know, I've been working hard for
about you know, five five yearswith a minor minor relapse for a year,
and I know the right answer now, you know, I feel I
feel the spiritual awakening if you ifyou would say that inside inside. And

(34:34):
I'm learning that it's okay too toask for help, that it's okay to
to voice how you feel, especiallyto to people who have something similar to
you. And you know, mentorsand and licensed professionals, you know,
it's ok it's okay to to breakdown to actually cry. You know,
I haven't cried inside I don't evenknow how long. And then the first

(34:57):
time I had counseling, you know, I broke down and you know,
just just let it out. Andit was one of the greatest feelings in
the world to know that, youknow, I'm not I'm not alone in
that that battle, that that thatfight, that that it's hard to put
into words, that that people thatpeople are are having every single day.

(35:20):
Your cry didn't used to be Iam Now, I mean I was I
was. I was basically raised bymy grandfather, was a career that,
you know, grew up during theGreat Depression. Men don't cry, Men
don't do this, you know,and went to the Marine Corps. Marines
don't cry, you know, yeahwe do. Uh. But it wasn't

(35:40):
until counseling and getting a camp thatI actually started crying. Uh. My
kids, my kids saw me cryfor the first time in their lives not
too long ago. And my sonwas like, throw with you, daddy,
shut up, because let's see whathe turns. Ten. Twenty third

(36:00):
July is this tenth birthday, andunfortunately he already acts like me. Hopefully
it grows that right. Hop So, as j was told you just about
my eleven year old. She comesup to my shoulders. I'm only five

(36:21):
foot five for anybody that doesn't knowhow short I am. So yeah,
I'm not liking it that much,you know at all. My girlfriend's son
is twelve and he's like my heightthat I'm sitting there going no, absolutely
not get down here. Pretty much, very nice? All right? So

(36:44):
what are you looking forward to?What am I looking forward to? I'm
looking forward to. You know,I haven't made so many good friends know
that that are honestly people that Iwant to keep in contact with. You
know, I'm looking forward to havingthis new this new get away kind of

(37:06):
this this new group of people thatI can I can talk to, that
I can come to with with allmy problems. I know for a fact
that once once I graduated this program, that I can come back no matter
what and have people that I canreach out to that I'm that I am
going to be okay because I I'vehad I've had this past year year.

(37:29):
You know, I've had those helplessmoments and then I've I I used drugs,
you know, I used alcohol totry to to try to numb something
that that is there for me totalk talk talk about that is there that
I can reach out and talk topeople that it's not something that it's weird
or that people look down upon.So I'm looking forward to even possibly even

(37:54):
being a mentor. Y'all want todo that. It is certainly not the
easiest job in the world. Allright, Thank you for sharing some of
your story. We appreciate you joiningyou he see. Great to see you
again. It's always good to behere. Just reminder, the program at
Camp Hope in our housing six toeight months, sometimes longer, and it's

(38:21):
all at no cost to the veteran, the family, our support groups that
we run different cities across the countryand online virtually all free. All that
information is available at the website PTSDUSAdot org and if you're interested in supporting
it, there's a way to dothat through the website as well ptsd USA
dot Orgit we thank you again asyou listen to the podcast share it might

(38:44):
interact with someone's life that really reallyneeds to hear about what's available to them.
Roman. Great to see you.Thanks for slighting inside door one more
time. Look ford to being withyou again next week. More Road to
Hope Radio. You supposedly