EITM: Ask EITM 2/14/24

𝗗𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗘𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗼𝘁:

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Dear ask e T. And I'mjust reading what I'm so confused. Wait,
what do you confuse? Somebody sentthis? I know who it is
if I told you who was.No, no, no, no,
no, I'm not going to tellyou who it is. I'm just telling
you. If I told you whoit was, you would know who it
is. All right, But thatdoesn't this When you read this letter,

(00:24):
you're not trying to guess who itis. Our job is to what Our
awareness of the person does not playa part in the advice. No,
because I'll tell you this, eventhough you're aware of who the person is,
you don't know anything. You don'tknow this part about them. I
didn't know this part about them untilI got this. Okay, here we
go. All right, So againwe're not No, I don't want everybody

(00:47):
thinking it's a trivia contest. We'renot guessing who it is they're looking for.
And you'll understand what advice they're lookingfor as soon as I get to
start reading, Diane. Yeah,do you ask em, am I seeing
a guy in an open marriage?Or am I helping a guy cheat on

(01:08):
his wife? Up front? Therebackground. I met Paul a few years
ago via a dating app. Hesent me the first message and I initially
said no thanks, as he wasmarried and his profile was for him and
his wife, in which they statedit was an open marriage and they were

(01:33):
interested in either guys for her orother couples. There was nothing in there
about him playing solo. For whateverunexplainable reason, I kept talking to him
and we quickly hit it off.After chatting for a while, we finally
met for drinks in person. Therewas clearly attraction, and the few times

(01:57):
we met for drinks and got slightlyphysical with each other, our connection seemed
to grow. Unfortunately, his jobtook him away from the area for a
few years. He and I keptin touch with the occasional check in with
the occasional check in email once everyfew months, but there was never anything

(02:20):
flirtatious or sexual in the emails.And yes, he was actually away.
I can one hundred percent confirm thisvia ways other than him just telling me.
He came back into the area lastyear. He reached out to me
out of the blue one night andwe started texting NonStop for a few days
before we were able to meet inperson. We got drinks and it felt

(02:44):
like no time had passed. Weleft together. I went home with him
and we spent the night at hishouse. This was the first time we
had sex, and I'm not goingto lie. It was all caps,
Bowld underlined, amazing. Are wesupposed to refrain from asking questions? Yeah,

(03:08):
you can ask them. Doesn't botherme. I'm not done reading,
but go ahead, But right upfront, the question was is it open
or is it a cheating situation?Right? So they went back to his
house. He lives with this wife. Where's the wife? Since then we
have maintained she gets addressed here ina moment. Okay, Since then,

(03:30):
we have maintained a relationship that wouldnormally be described as dating. But he
happens to be married. We text, we talk on the phone, we
go out to eat. I've beento his house, he's been to mine.
We have had sleepovers at both.We have gone out of town for
a weekend. He has met myparents and some of my friends. My

(03:53):
friends know he is married, Myparents do not. We have also both
admitted to having strong feelings for eachother, more than either of us expected
to have from this. Although theyhave this open marriage, not everyone in
their lives knows. So while Ihave been introduced to people in their world.

(04:15):
I have been introduced as a coworker. Because he and I work in
similar fields. This is an easything to pass off without it being questioned.
I have been told since the beginningeverything he does with me is reported
back to his wife, as thatis a rule they have in their marriage
conversations. We have physical activity placeas we go. She knows it all.

(04:41):
She does the same when she's inan outside partner. I initially accepted
everything as fact, but I amstarting to get suspicious about how much his
wife actually knows. I have neverbeen part of an open marriage before,
and I do not know what istypical and what is not. I have
now been around Susan that's the wifenumerous times. Prior to the first night

(05:04):
I was planning to meet Susan,Paul had warned me that he and I
could not flirt, could not touch, could not whatever in front of her,
because this was a get to knowyou meeting. That evening went well,
with her and I chatting throughout thenight, but nothing was mentioned regarding

(05:24):
him and I since then, Inevery instance she is around, he and
I do not physically interact, andwe do not flirt I always take his
lead and he's never initiated anything infront of her, so I don't try
anything. After the first night ofmeeting her, some of our interactions have
been extremely brief, but I havealso been at their home for hours before

(05:46):
and the three of us have hadfull conversations. I've even slept in their
guest room while she's been home.If it's just he and I at the
house, he sleeps with me.If anyone else's home, I sleep in
the guest room alone. Okay,there are a few other odd little things

(06:06):
here and there that I won't getinto details about, but they've made me
suspicious, and I fully admit Iam probably more suspicious than the average person
due to previous relationship experiences. Idon't know what those are. Ok Some
of my friends say is one hundredpercent lying and she doesn't have a clue.

(06:26):
And my thought is, come on, I've been at his house at
like ten pm on a Friday nightand she's come home to us watching TV
on the couch without anything even remotelyrelated to workout like their work, what
work colleague is doing that? Andsome of my friends say it is an
open marriage, but she doesn't wantto see him actually be physical with another

(06:48):
partner, which makes me feel uneasy. That could be I understand that,
So askim. Is this standard standardopen marriage behavior? Or am I just
helping this guy cheat? How doyou know if the person you're seeing as
an actual open marriage or if they'rejust lying? Is that it? When

(07:14):
he and I go out? Justa couple of other tidbits. When he
and I go out in public formeals or drinks, we hold hands,
we kiss, We act like anormal couple. I have never been denied
being affectionate with him in public.There are even bartenders that know us as
a couple. At this point,we go to places where near he lives.
We're not crossing the river into anotherstate to go out. He also

(07:39):
pays ninety percent of the time anduses his normal everyday credit card. I'm
not asked to pay, and hedoesn't pay in cash to hide anything.
When it comes to his house,I always come through the front door.
I have free roam of the house. It's not a covert operation of me
sneaking in and hiding me in anotherroom. Also, last thing, I

(08:05):
need to make something extremely clear.I have never wanted, nor do I
expect him to leave his wife.He has said he will never do it,
and I fully believe this. Thisis not about me wanting this dude
to leave his wife and be withme. End Okay, lots unpacked?
Yeah, I love it. First, can I ask the question that's maybe

(08:31):
not? Do I know her?Yes? Do you guys know her?
Yes? But it's again, thisis not my guessing what it is.
No that I won't reveal. I'llgo to goddamn jail for a source.
Well, I'm not sure that thisis available offense. This is more a
question about open marriages in general andcheating or are you helping this or not?

(08:54):
My question? My question? Yesabout this? Yes, And I
get each situation is special unto itself, so there's exceptions to every role.
But I understand that the original asksaid couples. They were looking for couples
maybe on that dating side, thatthere are threefle situations, that there are

(09:16):
polyamorous arrangements when it's an open marriage. Do the people those two are seeing
outside of the couple the marriage usuallyspend time with the other partner. Why

(09:37):
do they hang out? I understandit's easy to say why not, But
is this an is this a nonWell, definitely not. But is this
when it comes to open marriages?Is this not exactly how the book on
open marriages is there? Is?There are there rules an open marriage.

(10:00):
I said, we're all special andunique, But that does I I didn't
expect that, because it would beeasy to say if you're not allowed to
be around the person, that that'sa huge warning sign that this may be
a shooting situation. Maybe not.But even though they can't they hang out,

(10:22):
touch each other or be intimate orrespectful in front of the of the
wife, they she's there all thetime. Yeah, but if the wife's
there, she sleeps in a guestroom. I know, but it's like
that to me, even if they'renot doing anything. Could you imagine walking

(10:43):
in the house Jackie's at ten o'clockat night. Jackie's just sitting on the
couch watching TV with some dude.But it doesn't say I don't on the
Yeah, I imagine they were sittingon both ends of the couch. But
if you're in an open mayor,then maybe it's not weird. I'd lose
my freaking mind, of course,but I'm not in an open marriage.

(11:07):
And then another thing that bothers meis I can come to terms with omitting
the truth to parents, right,I don't understand why they lie about her
relationship to them. With friends,well maybe some friends would frown on it

(11:31):
would be judge. Yeah, welying though, because with the wife in
those situations, well we don't knowif it goes the other way that if
she has a boyfriend, do theylie or I should ask them that question?
The okay, well maybe you don'task that in an open marriage.
No. No, I get thatyou may have some friends that are a

(11:54):
little more conservative and would be like, but that life. But that lie.
Of course you do, And I'msure I wouldn't judge. I don't
judge. I mean I judge,but this I'm cool with people listening,
probably care to comments. But inthe presence of the wife, the relationship
is being misrepresented. That's okay.But that to me is is that's a

(12:18):
flag. It's a little bizarre.People may but but is it done less
to protect a friendship and more toprotect the marriage that maybe being cheated on.
I feel like that, Oh,I see what you're saying. I
think, hey, you know,we can't tell Susie and John from work

(12:43):
because we work in the same fieldand the wife's like or the girlfriends as
you would call her. The girlfriend'slike, oh okay, that makes sense.
But is it also because the wifedoesn't know what's happening? Right?
No? No, no, Iget that. But the assuming it is
open marriage, I get why youwouldn't say anything. I totally get why
you wouldn't say anything to it.But that's the that was the first sentence.

(13:07):
Is this an open marriage? Oram I helping someone cheat? Diane?
Do you have anything to ask mythoughts? It's so hot? Do
you think it's hot? Diane?Yes, if it's open yes. If
it's cheating, we you guys areproblems. I just think if this,
if it's cheating, I would heshould end it. The girlfriend who is

(13:28):
asking for the advice, Yes,if she's got all of these suspicions.
All that's doing is rolling around inyour head and it's gnawing at you,
right, and it's I can answerthis. I can answer this. I
can answer this. You've never walkedin those shoes, so you don't know,
and she's not in an open marriage. I suspected somebody was cheating on
me and they were cheating on me, right, Okay, So okay,

(13:50):
that's fair. But he's not cheatingon her, Okay, not on her.
You've already made your decision that thisis an open marriage. How is
it not? How are you justrandomly sitting on the guy's couch at ten
o'clock at night. Yeah, wherethere's smoke, there's fire or or And
I'm sorry, Susan, you're thestupidest woman in the world. I'm a

(14:13):
firm believer in trusting your gut theno. But what I'm saying is no.
You know what if I was Bythe way, it's not somebody that
they've been like friends with, likelifelong friends, like for example, So
it wouldn't be unusual for them tobe like, oh, hey, they
came over to TV. If Jackie'sfriend, Missy came, Like if Jackie

(14:35):
got home and Missy and I weresitting on the couch watching TV, Jackie
would be like, oh fine,Like that's a friend he's known her forever.
If if Jackie got home and Iwas sitting on the couch with some
random at ten o'clock, oh mygod, you'd be like, what are
you doing? This is my coworker, Yeah, this is you know this

(14:58):
whatever this is Liz who Liz mycoworker. Yeah, but you're watching TV
and you have you stop so.But if if she comes home and then
she's spending the night in the guestroom, she is she knows, yeah,
or or Susan's dumb. I meanthat's possible to yes, no,

(15:22):
stop it. Nobody's that dumb.There are plenty of people who are not
or who turn the other turn theother sheep for a variety of rething shoes.
But you're still dumb. Whether whetherit's a by accident or by purpose,
you're still dumb. I've played dumbbefore. I'm more comfortable with that
than not knowing how dumb I am. But Diane and I and and yourself

(15:48):
and Kristen No are not in openmarriages. That's what I'm saying. In
somebody's shoes that she should see mewho And it sounds like Paul's in her
shoes. If shoes equals vagina,you need someone who heard you read that
letter, who knows from the centerof it all what's cool and what's not.

(16:11):
And if this is a problematic situation, but I don't want it to
be problematic on a technicality, whatdoes that mean where it's like, well
in my open marriage, like theycould be different. I acknowledge that,
and we've brought that up. SoHi, Elliott the morning so hot?
Hi? Hello? What so whatI crossed horror? I crossed hot and

(16:36):
horny? I'm sorry? Who isthis? Is this? Me? Yes,
I'm confused. I mean the wifeknows because he's bringing the girlfriend home
at night and the wife is sleepingin the guest room. Right, is
that what you said? Not thewife, the girlfriend, the girl.
The girl we know is sleeping inthe guest room. The wife sleeps with

(16:59):
the husband in the main room.So when when she comes home, are
they acting like boyfriend and girlfriend orare they just acting like co workers when
the wife's are out? Ma'am,what coworker do you have at your house
at ten o'clock at night? Butthere's no affection, she said work.
But that's what I'm saying. She'sobviously not helping him cover up he's cheating

(17:26):
the wife. Again, she eitherknows or she's stupid. She knows,
So I don't understand what her whather question is, Well, she's wondering
if she's helping the guy cheat,like maybe the wife. Really Maybe maybe
by the way, maybe Tyler's right, Maybe maybe she is either playing dumb
or refusing to believe it. MaybeI don't know that there was thank you

(17:48):
man. A point of emphasis waswe work in similar fields, or that's
why it's easy to pass her offas a co worker I know to the
wife. Oh no, but theyshe said they do it to the like
friends from somebody? Is that theis the rule though, that if you're
in an open marriage, that youcan't be affectionate with the with the uh

(18:10):
with with number three. I wouldimagine that's probably a pretty common thing.
Like you can get takeout, justdon't eat it in front of me.
That yeah, that people agree upon, like like show some respect to your
your actual spouse. Right. Uh, the girl I'm seeing is in an
open marriage, No effing chance I'mgoing to her house? Why perhaps Okay,

(18:33):
person thinks that's the rule. They'renot. They're not polyamorous, they're
not swingers. They're not. It'san open marriage. You can have boyfriend
girlfriends on the side, but butnot in the marroral house. The person
who sent the note male or femalemale? Male? Okay, he doesn't
go to her house, do Iknow who it is. Yeah, who
who is it? Justin Who?Fine? Dustin Now? Oh Justin,

(19:03):
Well you said it drunk Dustin hunkJustin hu Justin. Wait, he's in
an open marriage. He's told usbefore that he has been exploring very fluid
scenarios. So he's he's dating agirl, he's a boyfriend of a wife.
Yeah, oh my god, everybody'sdoing it, aren't. But he

(19:27):
won't go to their house, that'swhat he said. Interesting, Well,
those are their rules. See andthen like fire Lord says, it's pretty
common in E and M for thingslike that being around the spouse, but
no PDA or open discussion about yourrelationship with the boyfriend or girlfriend. Thank
you. That was our first wonder. Yes, hi, Ellie in the

(19:49):
morning, Kelly, good morning.How are you? I also don't what
is E and M ethnic? SomeI don't know. I'm mincol nominogamay whatever.
All right? Yes, Hi,who is this? Ellie? You
got me? Yeah? I gotyoua Okay. Does it indicate anywhere did

(20:11):
the mistress say she's ever met aboyfriend or lover of the wife? Two
things, not a mistress. You'releading. That's leading very much so not
a mistress, So we'll go withgirlfriend number two. I see no mention
of that doesn't say anything about Butwhy does that matter? But wouldn't that

(20:32):
kind of like raise a red flagfor you? No? Because if you
just take the mistress, I don'tlike that term. If you just take
that scenario, the wife has mether, yeah, which may mean the
husband has met the boyfriends. Butthat doesn't mean that the two outsides need
to meet. If you were thegirlfriend, though, wouldn't that come up

(20:55):
in conversation? No? Why wouldthat come up in conversation? I have
to discuss at all your if here'shusband's girlfriends. But think but think about
it. If there's no PDA oranything in front of the spouse, right,
yeah, if there's no PDA infront of the spouse, if the
if the husband's girlfriend who we knowI almost said the name and the and

(21:17):
the we don't know? Can seeif you just join us, Diana and
I and Kristen don't know. No, no, they don't know who it
is. I'm telling you you wouldbut the in five seconds? Why do
I say it? But if theyif there's no PDA in front of them,
the husband and wife aren't gonna actlike the other ones, your boyfriend

(21:37):
and girlfriends, and there's no reasonto have the secondary ones there as the
scenario lays out. Now, whatam I gonna do make out with my
husband and uh and C we're here? No, even even if it I
I would, I do not knowthe name. I do not know how
this person is not asking questions fromthe boyfriend between us, but from from

(22:02):
the husband about the situation and whatthe wife has brought in. I don't
know. It's a normal question.Why would you care, Hey, tell
me about tell me about all theguys your wife's banging. At the end
of the day, this person andthe end of the day this person wrote

(22:22):
this letter asking for advice because thisis swirling in their head, whether the
oh my god, this girlfriend isup at night thinking about this, whether
or not it's cheating or open.But what is he What is she supposed
to say to him? So Iwould definitely I would be very okay,

(22:45):
formulating amazing, very carefully worded things, even if even if it's a nonchalant
comment to try to get information suchgreat sex, because it obviously bothers it
obviously bothers her. If this iswhat she's thinking about if we're if what
we're not doing is cheating, iswhat your wife doing cheating? I don't

(23:08):
know. You could probably be alittle bit more subtle than that. Oh,
maybe the wife's boyfriends don't work withher and need to do stuff out
of the office, so maybe they'remaybe maybe their sex isn't amazing, joined
another piat. Oh, I'm sorry, say again from X Do I know

(23:29):
this person? Yes? Oh,justinus Dustin. Now this is from dappy.
I know someone who is married hasa girlfriend but only goes to their
place but doesn't go to theirs.But they also claim their divorce and he
isn't Everyone thinks he just has agirlfriend. Now no one knows about the

(23:52):
wife. But that's not that's notit in this case. That's not that
in this case, you don't knowthat for sure. You know one side
of this triangle. What is Kristenthing? Kristen, Kristy can't talk,
she's so horned. Hi, Kristin, Hi, how are you good?

(24:18):
You like? He nor? No, honestly, it's not how I roll.
But do we know? Like,is this person? I'm on Diane's
side with this. What's that like? There? It's messing with waits,

(24:45):
messing with the girlfriends. Yes,have they gained feelings for this person?
Well, I wouldn't go there.We have also both admitted to having strong
feelings for each other, more thaneither of us expected to have from this.
But she did say at the endsomething about like, I'm not gonna
make him leave. Yeah. No, he's not going to leave, yeah,

(25:07):
yeah. The I need to makesomething. Excuse me, I need
to make something extremely clear. Ihave never wanted, nor do I expect,
him to leave his wife. Hehas said he will never do it,
and I fully believe this. Thisis not about me wanting this dude
to leave his wife to be withme. But I guarantee, you guarantee
if he did leave, right,she'd be all for it. You know

(25:30):
that. That may be right,That may be, but he's she's she's
not seeking that. But but he'snot hanging in there going like, well
I'll do this, but you're gonnaleave your wife, right? She can't
be all nonchalant about it, Andthen two paragraphs before that say, but
we have admitted we have really strongfeelings with each other. You can you
can have both. You can walkat you gum, I just told you

(25:52):
that he's explained to some girlfriends heloved them. So first the rest I
just think, why why put yourselfthrough this torture? Okay, but that's
see clearly what it's not torture.Diane doesn't think this is healthy because Diane
thinks she's cheating. No, no, no, not healthy in terms of
that, but because of the mentalanguish that she's going through, it's not

(26:15):
worth it to Diane. No,like, don't even forget if he's cheating,
forget if it's open. You clearlyare a walking contradiction and have issues
with what's going on. What doeshearthands mean? Can't help with the heart
love? Right, but you knowwhat, you can move on the ocean.
Wait, I'm sorry what there's amillion fish in the ocean. Yeah,

(26:37):
but you didn't want to say,but she found her fish. Well
yeah, but like you want everybodyto be happy, and you want them
to sound like everybody is happy.But if the wife's happy the husband that
the husband's got more bajoon than heknows what to do with? Is that

(26:59):
the new term? Now he's gettingit on both sides. It's definitely messing
with the head. If if they'rereaching out to you for advice on like
how to proceed or what's going on. If if this person didn't care,
right, that letter doesn't exist.I think Diane would agree with this.

(27:21):
In the best version of yourselves andyour relationship, put on a call map.
In the best versions of yourselves andyour relationships, you don't find yourself
writing a radio disc jockey, presidentjockey. I know who the person is.

(27:44):
I met the person. Was thisthough? Like? Did this come
to you? Again? I don't. I'm not trying to guess what is
But did this You can guess allyou want. I'm not going to tell
you, Dappy it's not. Cappydid not send it. No, Cappy
did not send it. Did theletter shock you to receive it? Or
does that give away too much?I were you because I didn't know.

(28:07):
I don't see what this person's like. You weren't aware of this person's personal
life? No, no, No, I just didn't know. If you
went into this discussion today with moreinformation or at least knowledge than we had.
No, we don't know who itis. No, not at all,
not at all. No. WhenI read it, I was like
hot, damn. Well. FirstI was like, yeah, but then

(28:29):
I was like, no, Ihad no clue. I had no clue
that this person was in this typeof thing. I I can't say that
I was so close. Kathy,Kathy, Kathy right, I have a
sleazy stepfather, Like, stop it, stop it. We were quiet when
you read I have a sleazy stepfather, just like this guy. I thought

(28:55):
it was funny because I couldn't standthat bitch girlfriend anywhere. But but where
am I going? Mine's six?Hi, Elliet in the morning? Hi
is this me? Yeah? Hi? Who's this? Hi? I won't

(29:19):
say my name just in case.I wasn't an open marriage before. And
I don't think he's cheating, buthe might be breaking some rules. Why
what makes you okay? I getthat you don't think he's cheating, because
you'd have to be dumb to notthink something was going on. But what

(29:41):
rules would you be breaking? Likemaybe they have their own rules. Yeah,
well that's that's true. Maybe theyhave their own rules, But yeah,
I don't I don't think he's cheating. We had a very similar situation,
but in my case, I youdidn't want to know, well,
I wanted to know who he wasseeing and when he was seeing them.

(30:06):
I didn't want to know what theywere doing, and they weren't allowed in
my house. Is the house thing? Is the house thing pretty common?
Okay, Diane? I was askingher, is the house like? No,
no, no, nothing at home? Is that pretty common? I
think it's actually not very common.My ex husband had other friends in open

(30:33):
relationships and it was just a mess. So I was one of the most
strict ones, one of the mostwhat strict? Yes, and you said
that you wanted to know if andwhen they were with someone, but not
what they're doing, don't you know? Well, I mean, well,
yeah, like I don't want detail. Oh, I see what you mean.

(30:59):
But you would so I'm going outtonight, nuff said, like your
husband. No, no, Butyour husband would call and go, hey,
I'm going to go I'm going outwith Diane tonight. We're going to
see it. We're going out likethat, at least you you know,
but you don't want to know that. He's like motor boating or and all
kinds of stuff. Exactly. Yeah, he like, do whatever you want,

(31:19):
don't do it in my house,And I don't want details of it.
Just let me know who you arewith, when, when you're going
and don't mess up my schedule andeverything trying when you're with And this is
what I would want to ask theperson who sent it to me. But
are are there very very strict rulesabout protection? Absolutely? Yes, there

(31:48):
has to be a lot of trusttoo. But but yes, that was
a that was definitely a big thing, like, never ever, ever not
use protection. Right, I'll tellyou it's crazy. The the I have
no idea what you're looking for.All right, very good, thank you,
ma'am. Right, all right?Can I do I have I have

(32:23):
ten million people on hold? CanI Can I just take a quick break?
Can I just take a quick leaveyou with a thought that you can
maybe ponder during these spots? Yeah, sure, Rod, that's not it
putting this cry I also want tosee if this person is emailed putting this

(32:44):
cry for help aside, I don'tlike that. I don't like that that.
It's not a que for help.They want help, eil, it's
asking a question, but cry forhelp makes it sound like like like like
it's bad. Is she content withthis being how it's going to be forever?

(33:10):
I'd have to ask that as afollow up. I mean, that's
a great question, like if you'reif you are you know what, I'll
ask somebody because I do have someopen marriage people. The that's a great
question, like how long are youhappy just being again? If I'm in,
if I'm the husband in an openmarriage, having girlfriends is like,
I get it right, because youhave your wife and you could do that

(33:35):
and that that that could go onforever or we're in. But if you
are the if you're the mistress theuh, which you know, I don't
like that term. But if youare the girlfriend and you say I never
want to leave his wife and allthat is it is that enough? Maybe
it is? Maybe maybe you're contentgoing you know what, I have my
own life. I have this guywho I have strong feelings for. But

(33:55):
that's fine. I get wiener,I get all of that. I mean,
we we gotta lie a little bitdepending on who we're around. Maybe
maybe that is enough? Or doyou secretly want more, like oh,
get a terminal illness? More boyfriends? Yeah? Do you then find other
romantic partnerships along the way, likeother people in open marriages or just date

(34:22):
somebody? Yeah, you'd have toget you'd have to cut it off with
this guy. But that's not there. No, No, no. But
if you got your own boyfriend,unless your new boyfriend is cool with you
also dating the married guy, wellyou don't know. You got to break
that off. That's why you haveto maybe just date open marriages again.

(34:45):
You can think about it during theI'm going to I also want to see.
I also want to see if heor she it's a she emailed men
say time, it is unfair.It's not. It's a woman and a
man and a man. It's not. It's a woman. All right,
let me do it, all right, if you're on hold, Christian nicely

(35:09):
asked these people to hold. Okay, all right, if you're on hold,
don't go anywhere, give me aquick break. Connect with Elliott in
the morning eight sixty six two Elliotteight six six two three five five four
six Elliott in the morning. Thankyou for holding. I did get a

(35:29):
follow up email during the during thebreak from the girl friend, say again
from the girl friend, Well,from the girl yeah, I'll call her
what you want. Yes, I'mcontent with him staying married. I don't
care. I really don't care.Okay, Diane, why do you make
a face like liar? Uh?I think I think that they are telling

(35:54):
themselves that. Okay, it isunfair, I will say, because we
can imagine ourselves exactly like Elliott sortof said during the last segment in These
Shoes, No, uh, yes, I am at his house all the
time. Ninety percent of the time. The wife is not there because she

(36:15):
has her own stuff to do,work, erin's, et cetera. That
to me is a little suspicious thatI was not there say that I have
never wished bad things to happen toher. That was addressed to me.

(36:37):
Don't you remember that even being said, I believe terminal cancer? Oh you
did? That's wrap. Um.I have never met any of her partners,
but that would not be out ofthe realm of possibilities, which I
think it would. Something has comeup, and maybe it is against the
rules, but I'd like to finishone Oh I thought you were done.

(36:59):
No, I'd like to finish onething. Also, best sex of my
entire life. I'm reading best sexof my entire life, hands down,
best sex, sex, orgasms,best everything. He made me blackout from
an orgasm last month, not evenkidding, like Mikael Hartman, how about

(37:25):
that? How about that? Wait? Why did Kristen just say, oh,
I'd love to pass out during sex. I'm sorry, say ed you
know from not being tired. Thereain't enough time to fall asleep. I'm

(37:46):
sorry say it now. You hada question, so are you done reading?
Yes? That was really at theend there all that about the sex,
all the sex, orgasm. Whatdoes that saying? Best sex of
min I'm saying it loud because it'sall cats, best sex of my entire
life, hands down, best sex, sex, orgasms, best everything.

(38:07):
Have you ever heard somebody say sexor well maybe it means from not like
touching or digital that's true. Andwe have heard about people who at work
just sitting there will have unexplained orgasms. I'm having one right now. Oh,
I feel like there's a reason yourheart. Yes. So though the

(38:30):
wife was brought up again in thatmessage, Yes, and I checked Instagram,
stapchat, and a lot of peoplehave come with the same advice and
none of us thought of it.And perhaps it's against the rules in this
sort of relationship, But it seemslike the argument is everyone has their own

(38:52):
rules, so you can't say it'sagainst the rules unless you know about this
couple in particular. Right, whydoesn't she just ask the wife. No
no, no, no, nono, I understand hu no no,
I understand why you don't. Iunderstand why you don't. Because the if

(39:16):
if that that's between the two ofthem. So if if, if he
is cheating on her, that I'mnot, that's not that's not my place.
That's not my place, not yourplaces a huge impact. No no,
you feel about yourself or no,no, no no, why if
by the way, if I wereher and found out he was just cheating

(39:37):
on his wife, I wouldn't feelbadly about myself. That what that you
believed a lie. Some people dofeel bad when they realize they're the party
to the cheated. Okay, butbecause you believed a lie, that you
were fooled, that you maybe ledto the separation of a couple. Or
the if, by the way,hand to god. If if I'm her

(40:00):
and I was told and everything wasfine, it's an open marriage. I've
been around the wife and everything,and maybe you do in the back of
your head have some questions, butit turned out that he was cheating and
they broke up, I would feelzero guilt. I would because I'd be
like, you know what, myyou know what my crime was? I
believe somebody true, and it's likeand I or maybe then you go back

(40:23):
and I mean, obviously this personis obsessing over things, so it's like
that is such a negative thinking aboutit a lot, but he's a thinker.
But then then you're rewinding things andgoing, oh, yeah, there
were so many signs and I justignored them. Isn't that always the case

(40:44):
whenever whenever something's been going on,you were like, oh, I should
have known. I should have known. Every everybody who gets fired is like
I should have known my boss wasthis this you're not looking for? Yeah,
but here's a million things you're notlooking for. Oh I hit a
deer. I should have seen thatthere was some trees down over here.

(41:06):
Okay, where am I going?Kristin line eight. That's why I even
if it were in the marriage,I wouldn't care. Well, I can't
say I wouldn't care, but Iwouldn't feel guilty. I'm sorry, Hi,
who's this? Huh? This?Me? Yeah? Well, so
hey, listen, let me provideat least one positive affirmation in this conversation,

(41:30):
and that is that Kristen is definitelyhorned up right now, but she'll
never admit it. Anyway, isthat what you were calling me for?
You got something else? No?I got plenty. What do you want
to know? I don't think that. I don't think the guy's cheating.
Are you are you? Are youan open marriage guy? Yeah? Yeah?

(41:52):
Are you really? And there's alot of similarity, a lot of
similarities to this situation. The onlything that was peculiar is that that's different
from me other than one major one. But is the p D A in
front of her? But but there, Tyler nailed it. There are boundaries,
and those boundaries are different for eachcouple or each scenario, and she

(42:15):
should just ask the wife and getclarification. But no, no, I
don't like asking the Does she askhim before asking the wife? Probably?
But if she can't ask, ifshe can't ask anything, then it's then
it's not really a comfortable situation.But the truth is I, or at

(42:37):
least my truth on this is thathe's he's probably telling the truth and they're
not cheating. They just have acertain p DA boundary. But she should
ask for clarification on that. Okay, that'ship, that's the least of which
you need, you know, that'san easy question to ask. But instead
of just approaching the wife instead ofthe why know? But instead of just

(43:00):
approaching the wife, could she sayto the husband first, like, hey,
listen, I'm this is driving menuts. I need to know this.
I'm going to ask her, No, what do you say about that?
How come? Because why got allthis work to do from the office?
I got spread cheeks and also spreadcheeks the no, I've already I've

(43:22):
already, I've already had this discussionwith you over and over again. You
either believe me or you don't.Okay, Now what you've questioned the trust
between She could ask them, no, oh, is that an uncomfortable conversation?
What is the when you said therethat? It's it's very similar except

(43:44):
for one major difference. What's yourmajor difference? The major difference for me,
Well, the minor one is thatthat that no PDA in front of
the other is not is not commonat all. That's definitely not the case.
Okay. The major on that mywife is gay, so she only
hooks up with women also correct,But it's also married to you? Correct?

(44:09):
Yeah? Are you and she?Are you and she intimate or physical
at all? Yes? I meanyes we are. So there's probably one
percent of her Yeah, maybe maybemaybe one percent, you know, but
she's otherwise, she's she's totally gay. I got you, I got you.
I mean, I know. Well, now it sounds like you're guessing

(44:32):
I gotta no, no, no, I'm saying that. You know,
it's it's difficult for all intents andpurposes as far as conventional thought process goes
on sexuality. Yes, she's bybut she's definitely overwhelmingly more towards women.
Yeah, she's lesbian. I Ican subscribe to that. You got it

(44:53):
right, all right, very good, very good, Thank you the Internet.
So he did bring there are somany people in open relationships, God
bless but that which I could neverdo. That importance of the consent from
all parties, especially if it isan ethical, non monogamous situation. He's

(45:17):
telling us, Oh, she candefinitely ask see, I don't like that.
Why because that's because you'd first thoughtthat E. N M was like,
would you say ethnic, ethnic something? No, ma'am or he thought
it was unbelievable. Come on,But he brought up a great point.

(45:42):
Did you say in your original letter, which I think was I feel like
was read an hour? This Thisis the husband and the wife still get
intimate or sleep next that. Idon't don't know any of that. I
don't know. I don't know.I don't know what they're dealing. I
didn't think. No, God damnit. Where am I going? Line
five? Hi Elliot the morning?Hello? Yeah, Hi? Who's this?

(46:08):
This is Renee? Yes, yes, I agree with with Kristen and
Diane. I mean, she clearlywants more, but just doesn't realize she
says she doesn't want more. Haven'tyou ever told yourself something in the hopes
that you would eventually believe it?Yeah? Yeah, especially like you're having

(46:29):
great sex, You're like, whatever, everything's great. Best sex of my
entire life, hands down. Ye, best sex, sex, orgasms,
best everything. He made me blackout from an orgasm last month, not
even kidding, Bud, Yeah,but I have. I'm just speaking from

(46:52):
experience. I've lied to myself andsaid, like, everything's fine. I
can't say man that, you can'tsay I love Elliott? What say again?
Well, you don't really hear itthat now I'm thinking in an old
fashioned manner, the no, noyou. Well, also, there's two
things. There's two things. You'rethinking. You are a very and these

(47:15):
are both positive. Well, one'sa positive that you know you are you
are very traditional in your sexuality.Sure right, when there's nothing wrong with
that. There's also a tinge ofno, you know what, I'm not
going to say no. I thinkif in this you would be very insecure

(47:37):
in this scenario. Absolutely, yeah, I think that's a normal reaction.
I don't. I don't, Diane, everybody calling is in an open marriage.
I know you're almost the freak show. It's kind of like my reaction
a couple of years ago to findingout how many people have been choked during
the acts. I was like,what where am I going? All I'm

(48:00):
saying is, yes, it's notfor you. I don't know you either
trust him? Where you don't?S which way I'm leanan definitely not?
What's her name? Exactly? Whichway? Their girlfriends Lenn bent Over healing.

(48:23):
You don't know much about choking.Hi, Elliot in the morning.
Hi, this is Kitty. I'min an open relationship, and I agree
with that guy who's in an openrelationship that they're obviously open. They were
looking for couples and men. Youjust don't know what his boundaries are.

(48:44):
Since everyone has different rules. Yougot to just ask that and don't go
straight to the wife. Just tellthe boyfriend husband whatever, Uh, hey,
I don't feel comfortable, And ifhe's honest, he's gonna want his
girlfriends feel comfortable. Whether that meansso the girlfriend goes to the wife after
that, or maybe the wife alreadyhas a picture or a video that they

(49:05):
can share, because some people dothat saying hey, this is my husband.
Well see the girl. Oh,I see, I see what you
mean. I see what you mean? Whoa yeah? What was that?
Almost like almost? Yeah? Wow? Yeah? Do you just say that's
more like for a don't ask,don't tell situation, but you know,
you can use it for anything andjust say, hey, it's my husband.

(49:25):
He's free to have girlfriends. Heywhat you said? You're in an
open relationship? Yes? Are you? You're the Are you the girlfriend or
the wife? I'm the wife?Are you really? Yes? How long
have you been married? A longtime? How long have you two been

(49:50):
open? A couple of years?Who broached the subject My husband And I'm
the one who goes on the things. What do you mean I'm the one
who's uh dating? So he ishe is not? Oh, he's open

(50:12):
to it. It's much easier forwomen. Wait, hold on one second.
He doesn't date because of it's it'sit's it's harder, or or is
he just is he? Is?He just not as interested in finding some
strange as you are. No,he's interested. It's just much harder for
married men. Is it really tofine? Yes? But for a married

(50:36):
woman it's easy, it's easy peasy, Yes, definitely. How many do
you do? You only have oneboyfriend at a time, or are you
like, are you hooking up witha ton of dudes? I wouldn't say
a ton, but I don't haveone boyfriends? How many do you have
right now? For half a dozen? You're banging seven dudes right now?

(51:07):
Not frequently? Hey, well no, but I mean they're you're like rotating
them through. Has your husband metall of these guys? Oh no,
but he knows about all of them. So you tell him, oh yeah,
and then he just I have I'vegot no one, and you're like,

(51:28):
oh my god, you have noidea. The small of my back
is going to collapse. And thenwe can say something to Diane's point about
trusting your gut. This is sonew for so many people that it's hard
to trust your gut because you justdon't understand it new people who are traditional.

(51:49):
Right, That's what I've been tellingDiane's a prude. I actually agree
with you on that. Thank you, Thank you. Ira brings up a
good point. Hey, stick withme, honey. I know that's never
been a preface. Before reading oneof his messages, Ira says she'll never

(52:12):
ask directly because she's happy and itcould ruin everything. I agree with that.
I agree with that. So thewhole point of the letter is just
her taking what's weighing her down andtrying to hand it to you, Elliott,

(52:34):
right, happy to take. She'snot doing anything with it. The
no, no no, But Iget that, Like why don't ask?
Don't ask a question you don't wantthe potential answer to. Right, Yeah,
I'm good with that. Kristen hasa question. The are Kristen?
She got a query? Do weknow if the husband was in an open
relationship before this girlfriend? And doeshe have other girlfriends? I don't know

(52:59):
the you know what, I don'tknow about when they got it. At
some point you start, you knowwhat I mean? So like at some
point you eat your first pizza.It always goes back to a pizza ANALYSI,
but you know what, here's whatI would be interested. That's a
great and that's actually a great question. Kristen, does he have other girlfriends
like this lady kitty or cutie?What is your name? I thought you

(53:21):
said kitty Kitty, Kitty, kitty, cuty kitty. All right, hold
on, Jalen wants your number,Kiddy. The no, Diane's I'm not
doing that? Is? Are thereare there other boyfriends and and or other
girlfriends? But this would be myother one? Would the the girlfriend be
pissed if she wasn't the only girlfriend. I can't answer because it's one thing

(53:46):
to go. I can answer forDian. I can answer for Diane answering
for her. No, no,you know what I mean, Like,
it's one thing to go, Likehe's in an open marriage, but I'm
his only girlfriend. But if I'mone of of six like kitty, like
old kitty titty, If I'm oneof six, if I'm one of six,
that may bother me, that maybother me? Elliot? Yes,

(54:09):
can I say? If she justdoesn't want to hear the answer, that's
fine. They are obviously in anopen relationship to some degree, so she
can keep dating him and what heand his wife tell each other. That's
all wrong exactly. That's what I'vebeen saying. And if she doesn't buy
that, d anyone but the sixcould just keep dating him, Just do

(54:30):
it, Hayle, Can I askyou this is it? Is it all?
No? No honest question like arethere are there parameters? Like with
your husband? Like is there anythingthat is just special with it? Like?
Can you oral all these guys?Of course, Jesus Christ, what
an unbelievable world relationship? Every relationshiphas different rules you have to add,

(55:01):
like monogamy is monogamy? Everyone else? What that is? Open? You
have to ask every time, andit can change as you're going. Maybe
he wasn't dating before, but nowhe is. That's what I said to
Kristin. That's what I said toKristin. Can I ask you on another
question? I wish I could answerthat in the affirmative? Are you serious

(55:24):
after all that? Now you're justapproved? You're approved, not prude?
No, it's things have changed.I had something they could not be on
the table. Oh really, canwe please move on? All right?

(55:45):
Very good, Kenny, you areyou're something ELT's baby, happy Valentine?
All right, Thank you, thankyou, thank you. I can't stand
up. God. Wow that wasgood. Oh I see tree so green,

(56:10):
RADI his boots, I see themblue, but not a tushed into
myself. What a wonderful world,What a wonderful