EITM interviews Bert Kreischer

EITM interviews Bert Kreischer

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
The fully loaded comedy tour pulls intoCFG Bank Arena tonight. Uh, Tiffany
Hattish, David Tell, Big,Jay Ogerson, Dan soder Rich Voss,
Tammy Pescatelli, and mister Burt Christ. How are you, sir? I'm
still drunk. I am still drunk. What did you, dude? I

(00:23):
have so many good stories to tellyou. Can we start with what you
told me that you did on theway from New York to here, That
sex with my wife the tour bus, in the tour and the woman was
getting after it. She told shetold everyone we were we were at Forest
Hills, were still drinking. Everyone'sup right, Shane Gillis, Jay Big,

(00:46):
j David Tell, Everyone's still drinking. Last night was the first night
at the tour kicked off at ForestHills, one of the most insane places
I've ever been. I've got totell you about Dave Matthews. I've got
to tell you about LCD South System. Okay, I've got to tell you
and LCD Sound System. Okay,right now, I'd really like to hear
about Leanne so So. Leanne's like, hey, let's go in, Let's

(01:08):
go into your tour, into yourbunk and I was like, baby,
we're not gonna fit. I waslike, I'm living in bunks for a
while, trust me. She's like, you don't want to try, and
you don't want to be like,you don't want to be like I listen,
you get a bad back. Andthen and then Shane Gillis goes,
oh, gross, are you guysgonna go up sex? And the end's

(01:30):
like yeah, and he's like,I don't even want to go on that
bus now, no one has sexon the bus. Disgusting place. But
wait a minute, how many?Like is everybody on the bus that's on
the bus. Yeah, everyone's onthe bus downstairs right now, they're sleep
everyone's on the bus. Wait,so, but so you guys did before
you left Forest Hills. Before weleft, you were like rolling down the

(01:51):
funny way. That would not havehappened even in Forest Hills. Us getting
in that bunk naked was like,do you remember when OJ tried to put
his hand in the glove and theywere like me, sorry, I don't
know, man, Well, cannatell you I didn't kill them allegedly allegedly
allegedly cut their heads off. Allegedlyhe cut their heads off. Did you
know that yeah, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly allegedly, dude, it was.

(02:16):
It was awesome. And then wecame out and everyone was just staring
us, like Danny is Andy gotback together. Oh boom, it was.
It was awesome. We took tennislessons. Here's the thing, I'm
I don't know if I'm allowed toshare this, do you know, because
what do you mean? You tooktennis leh Forest Hills tennis lessons on the

(02:37):
grass courts? Crazy, my wife. I had the most white privileged day
you could ever have. Okay,I took tennis lessons on the grass court
and I ended up in the poolwith Shane Gillis swimming the laps underneath the
water like a twenty five meter pool. See if we could do it with
every all the barstool sports kids arearound, then the balls is in the
water. It was the craziest whiteprivilege day I've ever had performed. Where

(03:00):
Arthur asked one on the US Open, I mean it was insane. So
then so then I don't know whatpart you're not supposed to say, the
part I'm about to say right now, let's do it. So there's a
secret that happens. There's like asecret thing that happens. And uh,
the the person that performed last atuh at Wimbledon or at US Open or

(03:23):
wherever. The Forest Hills right leavesa present for the for a person performing
next, and they bury it inthis planner. Wait, what do you
mean performing next? Like they're playingtennis. They're they're not no, no,
no, no, they don't dothey don't do tennis there anymore.
That's right. Oh, So whoeveris performing at that that that arena,
whatever you want to call it inForest Hills, the last person leaves it

(03:44):
for whoever's coming next and leaves avideo message. Oh that's awesome, dude,
dude. So I get there andthey tell me that, you know,
hey, someone left you at present. They left a video message and
then you need to dig it up. So I go, So I go,
Okay, it's Dave Matthews. Now, let's I'm fifty years old.

(04:04):
Dave Matthews was our guy, allright, Okay, he was our guy.
Whatever. You and I know whereI'm at. This is where Dave
Matthews grew up. This is Isaw him in nineteen ninety four at the
Cowhouse in Tallahassee. I it's avery voice. Hey, hey, I'm
bad at accents. Hey baby isDave da Matthews? Huh Hey, I'm

(04:35):
not going to about says, hegoes, I don't know if you know
who I am. I'm not gonnaassume you do. I just want you
to know I'm a big fan.We're all fans over here, and we
know. Does he know he's leavingit for you? He knows he's looking

(04:55):
for me. Now, I haveI have a viral clip that went viral
about saying I'll never quit drinking rightand and and it says everything is when
people say mimosas bottomless mimoses, oryou get on a plane and they say
double jack on the rocks, shotsof rocks. That's the one that apparently
yeah, yeah, Like I goton planes, egging on planes, and
flight attendants are like, oh,I'm so excited. As I sit down

(05:15):
double jack on the rocks, socksof rocks, I'm like, six am,
And I don't want I don't wantto. I don't want to show
you that. I have to takethe cap off right now on then,
but I'm kind of dyeing here.Look in my eyes they're blood shots.
I'm jaund do you see this?I'm shaking, and so he goes,
uh, so I left you somethingspecial. I go digging in the planner.

(05:35):
It is a It is one offifty bottles of Jack Daniels they've made,
and they made it for his saxophoniststhat passed away. It was made
a memorium to him. Are youserious? Gives me one of I don't
know if you know who I am. I don't know if you know who
I am? Are you kidding me? King? I've had sex, like

(05:58):
I saw you, I got soI was so worked up. So then
they're like, hey, you knowI was like that was really cool.
So LCD sound System is there nextnext weekend? Dave Matthews Yeah, And
so I'm like, well no,I just don't realize there's probably parameters to
this. So they're like, hey, can you leave it? So you
put it in a bag to buryit? So I go, yeah,

(06:20):
thanks Dave or whatever. Due youguys are up next. I hope you
guys like mushrooms. I left youa pound of mushrooms because on my idiot
assistant brought it on the bus.I go, we can't travel the South
with mushrooms. So they're like,what do you want to give it?
LCD soundsers, am I going mushrooms? Baby, one's called blood Brown High
blood Press. I'm like, Igo listen, there's instructions with these mushrooms.

(06:44):
Okay, watch Apocalypto and you don'tleave the subtitles with these mushrooms.
You can understand, Hi and Aztec. I was it's the guy's like,
what's in the bag mushrooms? Hegoes, hold, hold, we can't
just be leaving Trump around. Iwas sorry, James, I hope you
like mushrooms. I hope sound systemdoesn't hear this until they get the mushrooms.

(07:10):
Someone is didn look on their facethe well by the way, I
feel like I should. I shouldstart with, dude, how about you
put a movie out? Dude?I put a movie out. So I
put a movie out. I talkedabout it in therapy like it was it
is. It was the coolest thingthat ever has happened in my life,
the coolest top to bottom is Iyou know, you get when the way

(07:36):
movies work these days is uh,it's all about you know, making your
money back and finance, so youcan go straight to a streamer, make
your money back easy, pacy.No, you know, no worries,
right, you can roll the dicinggoing theaters, which isn't great these days,
right, theaters are a tough sell. And then hopefully if you're going
theaters, then maybe a streamer willpick you up. Right, maybe you

(07:57):
can go to VOT But if yougo in theaters, it's not a shirt
that you go to the streamers andeverything else. And they were like,
what do you want to do?And I go, you know me,
I got her all the dice.Yeah, tell me. If Joe Rogan
tells me I can't do a split, I'll blow out my squads trying to
do a split. And so Igo go in the theaters. And so
it was the coolest experience I hada Because of that, I got a
premiere, right, the premiere wassick. Yes, I'm gonna get to

(08:20):
the premiere. Yes, uh,my dad, my parents are both alive.
They saw my movie in theaters.My dad came out crying. Did
he really crying? And he said, I underestimated you. Oh dude,
that's nice, that's nice. Andthen the next person that saw me was
Leah Thompson from Back to the futureHoward the Duck. She's she's in the

(08:43):
movie and she comes out. Shegoes, You're amazing. You're an amazing
actor, and I'm like, like, cow is she getting old? Arnold
Schwartzeninger tells me I got a greatbody, and Leah Thompson says, I'm
a great actor. What happened toour stars? Which when does the Yeah?

(09:03):
It was. It was the coolestexperience of my life that I've ever
had. I got to go tomovie theaters and watch people watch it.
I went in what I heard thatyou went to, like when you went
to a screening of the movie orwent to to one of the movies.
First of all, I went toten screen I went to ten of them,
right, okay, but you apparentlyone of the ones that you went

(09:24):
to. Maybe it was early onthat you cried so aggressively the movie company
asked you not to sit with people. That was the very first screening of
the movie. I didn't know it. I'd never seen myself in a movie,
and that's why I sat up frontwith the bottle, two bottles of
wine lean And when the movie starts, I started sobbing, crying, and
I and I started saying my linesto the screen and I would go,

(09:48):
Oh, this is God. Andthen the next screening they're like, hey,
man, can we ask you tonot sit in the front row.
I was like why, and they'relike, you really affect the way everyone
else watched as a movie. AndI was like what do you mean?
And they're like, it's like it'slike you're watching the greatest movie you've ever
seen, and so no one canreally give notes because they're like, man,
this guy really loved this. Sowhen we went to go to jump

(10:11):
into movie theaters, I just wentand sat in the front row. And
then everyone's like, who's this guyfrom Cape Fear Love in this movie?
Yeah? This is good? Thebest is The movie would end and I'd
stand up in the front row.I go best movie I ever saw?
Rip my shirt off and everyone's likewho. And then they'd be like,
wait, movie, You're not supposedto go to your own movie. I

(10:35):
did it everyone. I did itin Tampa, I did it in Austin,
I did in La might spend anight in the sprinter van getting blackout
drunk, going from movie theater tomovie theater and then just being going like,
hey, you're walking to the wrongtheater, go to this one,
and they're like, people are like, what's that one? I go some
machine totally different than Little Mermaid.All white people, All white people come
on in the machine, will neverbe black. Let's go. How is

(10:58):
the How was the premiere? Thepremiere? The pictures and everything I saw
it look great. So, uh, I'm I'm hoping no one will ever
hear this. So they set itup. They set up the premiere and
they're like, you know, wewant to do this, this and this,
and then ideally, you know,we want to turn it into a
party. And so then they comeback with our party episode, like ring

(11:18):
up a bounce house and a ballpit, and I'm like, and it's
like, what do you think hespecial needs? It's burke. We need
shots, we need food trucks,we need what are you doing a ballpit?
Do you realize a person looks likein a pulpit? I got balls.
There's a window you can lick andlike. So they're like, well,

(11:43):
what do you want and then leanswer, what do you want? I'll
get it for us at ax throwingand so if you can't do ax throwing
on a red carpet, celebrities,a bodyguards. You can't give everyone weapons.
We had axe throwing. We hadshots next to ax throwing. We
had we had a DJ, wehad food, drugs, we had a

(12:03):
flip cup, we had everything.It was. It was we took over
the whole street in Westwood, right, and and it was like, without
a doubt, one of the oneof the coolest experiences I worked the whole
time, tried to go do pressthroughout it, right, but the coolest
experience I've ever had. My daughterswere there, my parents were there.
It was it was just and likeand like every comedian that I've ever cared

(12:26):
about was just gonna say, likecomedy wise, was was there anybody that
surprised you when they showed up?Really? Yeah? I was like,
who invited Paul Well? I meanI know that I wanted to die?
No, No, I almost drownedlast night. I almost drowned last night
trying to prove to everyone that Icould swim the length of the pool and

(12:48):
I sucked water in I thought mybody involuntarily breathed underwater, and I sucked
water in them, and I waslike, oh, I'm gonna do how
you shallow water? Blackout I waslike, bad, it was really bad.
And so but it's like, Ican't, like Shane Gill has beat
me in a swimming contest. I'mfrom Florida. If I have to swallow
the whole, I said, Idie in the pool of Forest Hills,

(13:11):
like Kennedy just got dull with meallegedly the Oh but okay, so other
than Paul Shore, I mean justbecause I know I would want him there
and him he was there, andI was like, my wife is good
and lean everything. She took overmy company, my my Birdie Boy production.

(13:33):
She took over it, and shejust she was like, you're not
gonna like some of them decisions I'mgonna make, but I'm gonna make him
right. Just trust me. Firstthing she did was fired my bus driver.
Oh no, the one black personin the company with you. He's
got sequence about me. But yousaid that guy was awesome, He's the
best. I pulled a gum onme and I still kept him. He

(13:56):
was the best. He was thebest man. To day, I fell
in love with this guy. Wewere in the car and he was like,
and this girl is stuck on thebus, try to try to have
sex with me, right, andron Ab I'm telling you your kids.
N's my bus driver right from Compton, fifty years old, blood pressure one

(14:16):
seventy one twenty didn't know what Isaved his life. I got him a
cardiologist, swear to God. Right, me and this guy at a connection
during COVID, I let him lookat me on the face. Now,
that's like I call it reparations.We're in the bus. Girl sneaks on
the bus up sex with me,and then we find her and she's hot,
by the way, she's hot,right, I mean she's hot.

(14:37):
Not as hot as the girl youhad sex with last night. Oh my
gosh, so much hotter, somuch hotter than my chick last night,
that old lady that dark will heyuh and so so much hotter. And
it would. And by this whenI had a star coach, so I
had a bed in the back.Come on, baby, so I can't

(14:58):
her off and she's said, she'sliterally like, we're by the way,
we're we've already left the venue,we're driving. We're kicking off at the
rest area. She snuck on thebus and walks out back and she's like,
just tell me know when you're ready, And we're like hum, and
I was like, who can keepa secret in here? How good do
you guys have secrets? So sheI said, you gotta get off.

(15:22):
I'm so sorry, and I'm sorrythat we're leaving you here, but I
don't know what to do. AndI'm married and this isn't who I am.
And Ron's just like this, likejust jaw open. She gets off
and he's just staring at me,and he goes, can I tell you
why you're a man? A goodfortune? And I said why's that?
And he goes, because you justsaid no to that? And I said,

(15:45):
yeah, Ron, and he goes, no, that's that's tough.
I said, it's not that tough. Ron. I said, that comes
with a lot of complications. Hegoes, no, no, no,
no, no, no no no. This job messed up my first marriage.
I goes, you're you're just abus driver, and he goes,
he'd be shocked what a chick'll dofor a Nelly headband? And I would
all right, I just fell inlove with this guy. I just fell

(16:07):
in love with this guy. Hehad so many he has so many dingers,
he would have so many things hewould say that would just would just
crush I mean crush, Hey,Ron, what do you think about Michael
Jackson? And he's homosexual And You'relike, huh, he's almost actually aways
been loving Johnny Cash and Johnny Johnnypaycheck whatever. And I'm like, huh.

(16:27):
You could just sit in the jumpseat and listen to him talk and
he would just ramble and then youget stories about his real life. I
loved him, and then but thenwell, she goes he's a little bit
of a liability. I was like, huh, I mean he would say
wild stuff, like wild stuff thatyou're not allowed to say that you're really

(16:48):
not allowed to say, right,And I love it. I love it
more than anything. I would belike, I can't believe people still talk
like this. He was the bestman, And yeah, he was the
best. That should part of him. And then she went through a fire.
A couple of other people, allreally great people. In my opinion,
I sound like Donald Trump, allreally great people. She was part

(17:11):
of the reasons we gave the mushroomcell. She's like, those are getting
off the bus right now. Iwas like, I'm baby, I've seen
a goose. Next week, Igotta bring mushroom. She's yeah, you're
gonna eating drugs. She shouldn't bea little bit drip sometimes. Man,
she knows how to work her wayin a bunk. I saw my sunglasses

(17:32):
on the Yes, there's a differentshow. Who's in the studio? No
kidding? I told Diannas. Ireally like what she did in the new
studio. It's almost like my wifegot too much filler and you're like,
whoa you look? I gave meShumer Now anyway, can I get back

(17:52):
to the machine for a second,yes, please them? The but so
the I saw the I saw themovie. The movie's great. Loved the
movie. Thank you. I didn'twant to talk about you were drinking um.
The movie's great. I saw theclips and everything from the premiere that
looks great. The part that Iwish I could be a part of,
though, and the three months inSerbia making the movie. Bro making the

(18:18):
movie, that's where, that's wherethe fun is. That there was the
funnest. It was like summer camp. It was the funnest time of my
entire life. I know, youwere living in a country that they don't
understand racism, so like they'd belike I remember they were talking about Albanians
and they were just saying horrible thingsabout Albanians, and I go, hey,
what are you guys doing. Iwas like, you can't talk like
that, and they're like why not? And I was like, what if

(18:40):
there's an Albanian on set, likeand they heard you say like that,
and they go, oh, theyknow better than to say something, and
you were like wow. And thenI started talking trash about Albanians. I
put them in my last special Idid. I got still into talking trash
about Albanians. I was like,my dad says to my daughters, you
guys are getting kidnapped by that yousold to the Albanian in the morning.
I don't even I never even metat Albanian. I never said Dulipas Ulippa

(19:07):
la Lupa fiasco whatever. Dulippa's Albanian. She's the only one that gets a
pass in Serbia like Dua Lipa isdifferent than them, Like Serbians, she
don't. I guarantee you if yougo to a de Lipa concerts, just
be like, hey, then whenwas the last time, even Serbians you

(19:30):
go, let's go a cat tailat you or something. Yes, Serbia
was a blast. It was ablast. Who was the like because I
know that, like you you postedsome stuff of like like you would have
like a like a like a setparty or something like that. I found
out that, like I found outfive hundred dollars Okay, this is how

(19:52):
it started. I found out ona hundred dollars goes a very long way
at McDonald's right, right. Thatwas the first day. I was like,
whoa, this is a lot morebig max than we normally get.
And then I was like, Iwonder what five hundred dollars gets you in
booze? And then I was likewhoa, okay, and then when I
said I wonder what five thousand dollarsgets you, right, I'll tell you
what it gets you a private chefasemolia and a DJ right in your house.

(20:17):
Dud dude. I splashed money andI would blow them away. I
mean I really, I honestly,I'm not even joking. I had There
was one girl that everyone said wantedto have sex with me, and I
go, no, it's just becauseshe's never seen an American spend money like
that. I was like, I'dgive her a thousand dollars would just surprise
me. And it was the funnesttime. It was the funnest time.

(20:41):
I remember we went to a clubone night where I told him one of
the greatest speriences. They put usin the in the top. They gave
us fireworks in a club, fireworks. They gave us fake cash to throw
at people. You could smoke cigars. They were sending us wine like crazy.
It was. And then this guydressed up as a joker came and

(21:02):
invaded us and you could jump offfrom the second There were no rules.
There's no rules. It's socialism.You could jump off the second floor to
the first flour and just go.Jimmy Tetro's literally going, this is the
best night of my life. Itwas. The Serbia was so much fun.

(21:22):
I would I would shoot all mymovies in Serbia. Did you did?
How close did you get to buyingthe house that you stayed in?
Oh, I would have bought Iwould have bought it in a heartbeat.
It's like they're like, this iswhere the millionaires live, and I was
like, easy, hold on,you talking about Serbian millionaires because I'm a
real one. This house is threehundred thousand dollars. I was like,

(21:48):
oh, take five, are youkidding me? Google me, baby?
Hey, did you figure out who'sthe guy, who's the who is the
violinist who lived down the street.I have no idea. I have no
idea. He's man. He thatguy's that house is real legit drug dealer
and I live next to each other, like the biggest mobster. He was
cool. He was really cool,cool dogs. Uh. And then and

(22:11):
then yeah, you're not supposed totalk to him. And I was like,
read my bio, baby, that'swhat I do. Knocked still,
I mean was a birdybody? Yeahthat and then but it was that house
is a four story house. Itwas overlooking, it was overlooking, Uh,
the city I was in, Okay, and it was it was the

(22:38):
best house and it was just itwas so awesome. My cousin so stupid.
He goes the interesting that the uhclothes here dry cold? And I
go, yeah, it's kind ofcrazy. And then Leanne came over to
visit. She goes, idiots,they're still wet. They don't have like
good dryers in Europe, they don'thave like it's all like like we got
we got legit. You don't realizehow different our life is. Did ever

(23:00):
tell you what happened with my mybeard? Wait? In Serbia. And
so halfway through the movie. Ifyou notice, if you watch my movie
The Machine in theaters, I thinkstill today, Yeah, it's not.
It'll be on the place you wantedto be in like a week. Okay,
so shut up online. I know. By the way, do you
see what is Tyler drinking out of? Oh? Yeah, yeah, that's

(23:23):
oh dude, coffee muggs. Yousee my garage I got, I got,
I got extra sitting in my garagethrough Serbia, still in costume,
going where is the machine? You'dbe soccer you can get in Serbia.
People are cheap. I was,I was, And if you watch the
movie, you'll notice halfway through mybeard changes. My beard and my hair

(23:47):
change, like my beard all ofa sudden, no longer looks like it
looks it's like real short. Andthen my hair's combed the left. And
I said, here are we doingmy hair difference? She goes no,
I said, no, I feellike it's different. She goes, yes,
I need you to look like you'restunt man. And I go,
shouldn't he look like me? Shegoes, it's easier to get you to

(24:07):
look like him, said he's notin the movie, And they go,
it's stuff. It's easier for youto look like him. And then I
just didn't say anything. And thenmy director is like, hey, what's
up with your hair? I go, I was supposed to look like the
stunt man. He goes, he'snot in the movie. You're doing all
your own stunts. We haven't finishedone jump in the pond scene. And
then I was like, yeah,this is when I walked into set.

(24:30):
I swear to God, I swearto God. The costumes customer and looks
to me, and she was,oh, you are not the factst man
in the world. You are fat, but not factless man in the world.
Oh, I need to do adjustmenttoo close. And then and then
at the end we do action figures. There's action figures that are coming out,

(24:52):
so we're gonna be alive to seeI don't know, we all die
sometime, right, and so wehave to stand it. Me our costumes
and I put on my costume andI go, hey, this is really
tight. And then I guess you'refat and I went no, no,
no, like it's tighter than normally. You're fat. You're a guy that
buys one hundred dollars at McDonald's.You are fat, You've gained weight.

(25:14):
And then I put on the shoes. I go, my shoes are tight,
and then yes, you're fat.I go put my I don't gain
weight in my feet like and thenmy stunt double comes in and he's swimming
in his clothes because I think theygive me wrong clothes. I said,
but you put me in his clothes, and they're like, oh, my
bad. I know, no apologyfor telling me I'm fat, just like

(25:36):
my bad dude. Socialism I have. I have, Okay, I have.
I can't do it, yeah youcan. I have one story that
is the funniest. It's the hardestI've ever laughed. So I'm talking.
Okay, I'm apologizing ahead of timebecause I know this is a little bit

(25:56):
of an appropriate story. Okay.And by the way, stop me if
I start going too far. Okay, he just just at any point you
go, let's let's is backrock.I'm talking very privately to our stage manager.
I will say his name. Hetalks like this, Okay, is
everybody ready? We will be readymomentarily. English isn't his best language,

(26:22):
right, And he's talking about racismbecause they're talking about Albanians, and so
I said, I almost want tobail from the story right now. I
said to him, I go.He goes, is racism bad in America?
I said, well yeah, andthere's like an oversensitiveness, but it's
a ball about learning. I salltell you. Give you an example.
We were at school. My wifegrew up in the South, and my

(26:44):
wife wife said, one time,wait, one cotton pick a minute,
right, which is And he goes, what is that? And I said,
well, I said what it actuallyis. And if you google it
is there's a New York minute whichhappens very fast, and then there's a
Southern minute which is slower. Right. However, it can be confused because
a slip yes verse slavery. Andhe's like what but why And I said,
well, because that's what the slavesdid. But I go in,

(27:07):
if you what the theory is ispicking cotton is the most tedious task you
could ever do. So for aminute to do that is longer than a
New York minute, which happens faster. It was oh interesting. So we
go back to set and he goes, okay, we will be ready in
one cotton picking minute. I go, oh, no too. I should
have never told you what that muchnothing New York minute, which happens faster,

(27:32):
but the very tedious slavery minute,then cotton picking minute, and I'm
like, oh my god, ohmy god, what did I do?
And then the director Goes who taughthim? Comes right to me, who
taught him? Cotton pick a minute? And I went, that's my fault.
I didn't mean it. I didn'tmean it the way it's supposed to
come out. I was that thatstory. I've been one. I've never

(27:56):
told anyone that story because I was. I felt so guilty. Jimmy petro
Goes, what did he just?I just shut up? You didn't hear
our producer Kale Goes? Did hejust who taught him? Coming? Everyone's
looking at me. I was like, I was just I was trying to
explain on the nuance of racism.I'm standing up around Banians, I'm bringing

(28:22):
another of beer with me and shouldn'tsound Aubanians. Do you know the words?
If you feel you need me?At the same time you met American,

(28:52):
She's outbaby said haus so hard toget off these days? Have you

(29:15):
lost weight? Yeah, that's whatI'll take. No, I'm on steroids,
track, bro, Look at theselook at this, look at this,
d feel this hard feel Oh mygod, what is the rock?
It is? Saw me a testasroom before you had sex outside. Swear
to god, you steroids, bro, because I still party. I mean

(29:38):
I wake up, I wake up. I wake up with erections all the
time. I'm not even joking onairplanes. It's like Porky's I wake up
Jack. And this duel is Albans. This is good for Albanian I love
it. That means nothing to us, Like I know this Albania's last being
doing. Yeah, Serbia, they'dbe like, this guy's got a good

(30:00):
point. You're unbelievable. Fun timein Mother by Mine, I'm always said,

(30:38):
say you're unbelievable. We definitely can'ttalk about that on error. No,
no, I wasn't gonna be bythe way gives like that's I'm waiting
for that. When I talk aboutthat on stage, I cannot wait.
I cannot wait. How I won'tsay what it is? How far down

(31:02):
the road is that? And soyou'd be comfortable talking about that on stas
to get out of college. Okay, that's fair, that's fair. Bert
Kreiser's fully loaded comedy tour. We'llbe at CFG Bank Arena tonight. Um
the So everybody that's on the buildto Night, Tiffany hat is David's l
Big Jay Oakerson, Dan sod OrRich Boss, Dammy Paskettelly. How are

(31:22):
you choosing who's who's on who's onthe bills? Uh? Well, first,
there's like a whole stable of peopletwenty six comics, and so a
lot of it is, Uh,they're routing, like if they're not if
they're not here for a while,well, if they don't play here,
I bring them in right. Um. You know it's funny someone's like someone
your your lineup is so progressive,so many women, people of color.

(31:45):
I go, I didn't I gotTiffany's I think Tiffany's awesome. On Leanne
and Tiffany's grandmother used to wait tablestogether at Lowry Steakhouse. Shut up,
are we serious? Yeah? Yeah, So Leanne and Tiffany's grandmother, grandmother
and missile used to wait tables thatso Lean's known of Tiffany's and Tiffany was
like thirteen. Wow, So likeTiffany's friend the girls Lover. David tells

(32:08):
my favorite comic in the world.No, David tells my favor I say
this to anyone listening. If youyou can get I'm sure the ticket prices.
I'm sure because arenas you can finda cheap ticket. It's just the
way it works. Right. Ifyou want to see the greatest comics that's
ever done comedy right now tonight,go to fully Loaded festival dot com.

(32:28):
Get a ticket in the cheap seatsand just wait for David Tell. He
goes on right before me and Iand he is He's the greatest comic.
Big Jay Oaksen is murdering. Ijust just a lot of it is the
people I want to hang out withand party with. A lot of it
is people that like to do stuff, and then just people I find funny.
I think Tam Tammy pescatell is candidly. I think she's overlooked in this

(32:49):
business. I think she's a gangsteron stage. No, No, the
boss is the great two bosses.Very funny. He's a murderer, like
these are all just murders. Igot Bruce Bruce playing at the Gorge.
Bruce Bruce so nice and had tosay it twice. Bruce Bruce, Dude,
you're talking about Bruce Bruce like anyoneright now in Chocolate City knows Bruce.

(33:14):
Bruce is a gangster. He isthe best dude, big diamond earrings.
Dude. I'm so excited. Igot people I never thought i'd get
for this tour, and so wejust sprinkle out wherever they don't normally play.
I think it's great. I thinkit's awesome. You know, the
one that I want to go to. So I was looking at the tour
and where it's going, and itsucks. I can't go because it's during
the week Vegas. Oh yeah,it is Ruth the Week. Yeah,

(33:37):
that sucks. On a Wednesday,Vegas on a Wednesday, and everyone's like,
oh yeah, it's gonna be great. Marky Marks showing up and I
was like, but it's Wednesday.Can I tell you what I'm doing.
I'm being dead serious. I'll callin. I'll call in because what I'm
doing is I'm reaching that Thursday,that Wednesday okay is Vegas. Yes,

(34:02):
what I am doing, and Iwill call in. I will call in
Tuesday to you, Okay. I'mreaching out to airlines and I'm trying to
get them to give me low ticketprices. CALLI workday, calling sick to
workday. Genius. Genius. We'reworking with airlines right now so I can
call in and go, Yo,we got eighty nine dollars tickets to Vegas.

(34:22):
We got sixty five dollars rooms.Let's do it. Calling sack to
our calling sick to work and Iwas, and they're like, well can
you I'm going to Vegas early rightand we're gonna do like a pool party
the night day before. And Igo, I'm gonna plan of fun.
Just get on a plane Tuesday night, get to Vegas early in the morning.

(34:44):
He'll leave Wednesday morning and fly backThursday morning. Show up, blake
to work like it's it's smart,yeah, because Vegas is a fun Are
you out of control in Vegas?I'm out of control right now? I'm
in I'm in Silver City. Wheream I right now? Rockville? The
same place where was I thinking?Silver Springs over spring? I am out

(35:04):
of control right now. I havea I have a corporate business meeting to
attend at some point today, likeat noon, corporate business meeting. I've
turned into such a corporate drip.Wait is this for? Is this for
the next movie you want to do? No? No, no, no,
what's the movie you're gonna do withCigura, Fat Astronauts. Si time
we started shooting in January, wasnot expecting an answer to that. And

(35:28):
by the way, I'm gonna getin trouble for it. Yeah, Fat
Astronauts and script came in. It'samazing, is it really? Yeah?
Yeah? I have two other projectsout there yet, no one, no
one, Okay it is now yeah. Sorry guys. Hey, you remember

(35:51):
when you said you want to meetingbe in targe of marketing. This is
how it works. Wait, sowhere you are you gonna shoot it?
Back in Serbia? Australia? Talkabout this? Why are you shooting in
Australia. I don't want him tobe near his family. Oh that's right,

(36:14):
because his wife gets mad if he'saway for a long time, family
acts like he's gonna die one day. Just giving me for three months,
you've had him, You've give himhis whole life. Well, what was
it? What's his my name?Christine? Christine? Yeah, Well she
got angry because he was he wasover in Europe for forty days. Oh,
man, I want to talk aboutit. You want to talk about

(36:37):
a series of texts you don't wantto read. Man, this is the
truth. I don't know what he'stelling. I don't know what he says.
Look, everyone's got their own truth, asked Mark Tremoni about me being
in a band with him. He'sgonna be like I was only in one
band it was Creed. What aboutgiving out? Spanking's Mark? So don't

(36:59):
ever forget the little guy? Isaid to him. Are you coming up?
I said? I said in atext to him and Rogan, I
got a private jet leaving Wednesday night. I'm coming out of Austin. Do
you guys want to hop on acomet of my premiere? To the premiere?
U? Rogan text, I can't. I have a podcast with Ari.
I have a podcast with Ari.I know his family's listening. I
have a podcast with Ari and Shaneand Mark. I can't. I'm we're
doing shows that night. I appreciatea good luck on the premiere. No

(37:21):
answer from Tom. A text toTom and push Christina, Hey, I
have a private jet. Do youguys want to hop on it? No
answer? Another text to Tom probably, hey man, please don't tell me
you're not coming to my premiere.No text. A call the week of
my premiere, and I think,oh, he's probably just gonna still be
in Europe. He's in Austin.He's been in Austin for a week.
And he's like, hey, man, I can't make it. And so

(37:42):
then he was like, you know, it's it's bad. Christine's gonna be
mad if I get on a planeand this and that, and I was
like, okay, but it's myit's premiere for my movie. And he
was like, I know, Ihaven't seen the boys a lot. And
I was like, yeah, butthey're young. I don't remember these things
anyway. Do you guys remember howhard your dad? Yeah? Guy,
dads do some dads go to war. I'm asking go to a movie to

(38:06):
you soft shoot cook And he goes, I can't, I can't, I
can't And then Leend goes, no, that's not how this works. She
her text to Tom was so aggressive, was it really, how is my
iPhone for storage full? Already?I can't my iPhone storage is full?

(38:32):
Oh? Okay, great? Cool? So her text was so aggressive.
Have you ever held the fun Like, have you ever watched yourself hold a
phone in a mirror? Yeah?That's why Leanne and I are still together.

(38:52):
The Lord says she's getting old totake his vision make everything, and
Dad been blurring it. Look atthat she's thirty still, Oh wow,
you're beautiful. I got reading glasses. They were a kiss. I'm realized.
I haven't seen it this checking highdeath in ten years. Stepped on
those glasses. Saved my marriage.Let me tell you something. If you're

(39:13):
married to a fifty year old woman, every morning you go stand right chest
to chest with her, You leanover and you give her a kiss.
Make her look up and give youa kiss, because when they look up,
their skin titans. And then yougrab her by the ears and you
pull back and you go, thereshe is. I thought lost her.
I thought we lost her. Thisis the girl I'm married. And then
you pull for you don't leave yoursuitcase and the hallway, and then pull

(39:37):
back in the bunk. I willtell you right now, the hardest I've
laughed probably in the last three weeks. Your podcast with Sarah Silvermane, which
was which was great, which wasfantastic. I love the part where you're
like seventeen years ago, all Iwanted to do is rush up to you
and tell you I watched my butthole, not even that. There's one quick

(39:59):
line in there where Sarah Silverman issaying something. She goes, well,
you know, look, bird,I think we're the same age. And
you go yeah, oh okay,and she goes, I'm fifty two.
You don't miss a beat. Andyou go, no, that's my wife's
age. I'm fifty yeah. Ohyeah, yeah, you're a pause.
Yeah you sweat while you sleep.No, I'm different. I'm very different.

(40:21):
I know you're kind. You're awhite walker. You're a white walker.
No seeds in there, Sarah,Sarah Silverman still looks amazing. She
looks amazing, and she you knows. I love about Sarah is that like
she came in with like a capon and like sat down and literally was

(40:43):
like, do I look bad?And she did, like her hair is
a mess. If I go,I go, no, you just look
like Sarah. You look you stilllook beautiful. And then the second in
the camera turns on, it's almostlike your hair went into place and then
everything and I was like, didyou do that? She came in like
a hot mess like her her likea little like beanie on and it's like

(41:07):
total Sarah, right, and thenrifts it off. Hair is everywhere she
does, right, look bad andyou're not gonna say anything. I'm like,
no, you look great, andthen thin camera goes on, her
hair goes into place. She's hilarious, dude, her last special or the
one she did for love or somethingis so good. Saying it's so good,
it's so she is. I gottabe honest with it. When people

(41:29):
talk goats, she's one of mygoats. Is she really? She's so
funny, She's always been so funny. I'm if you're listening right now,
google Sarah Silverman squirrels, squirrels.She has a line I think of all
the time because we just put ourdog down. We've killed a couple.
Now, okay, yeah, there'suh this it's a line for anyone that

(41:52):
has passed their dogs passed. You'llyou'll maybe never forget this line. She
goes, I uh, I usedto talk to my dog all the time,
all the time, and then weput her down, and so I
don't. I don't really talk toher anymore, which is crazy, which
would be crazy if I did talkto her, She goes, but is
it is it any more crazy totalk to her now that she's in a

(42:14):
box full of ashes than when shewas alive? She wasn't talking back.
It's just such a funny thing,is that we do talk to our dogs
and then we kill them. Wedon't talk to him anymore. But they
didn't hear right. It's I thinkabout that so much because we've got both
our dogs, and I go,why don't I just go talk to them?
The way she has a bit aboutsquirrels you have to do is so

(42:37):
she's so good man the okay,let me get back to where was I.
Oh, so you and Sugar aredoing fat Astronauts. You're gonna do
it in Australia in January. Veryright, right that that takes place?
Um, all right, that's allI got on that good good, good,
good good good. Oh fully loaded, fully loaded. So but the
whole family's out on the road withyou. Georgia. Georgia just flew in

(43:00):
today right to dullas. Uh,she's heading out to the venue. Isla's
on tour. She's useless. Shegoes yesterday, we're in the middle of
like the movie. Well, Iknow you said, Georgia flies, where
was Ila? While you and Liamnewe're getting after it? I was that
some girl scout thing and then thatone sideways. I'll tell you that all

(43:22):
fair anyway, Yeah, you understandwhat she was doing. You know,
the girls selling cookies and she wasselling them, so so we uh we

(43:45):
uh right now, if Ila waslistening, I will be like dad.
And then Leane's like, what's hetalking about? I was like nothing,
I will get into the weeds onthis later and so um and so last
year was just Georgia and then thisyear it's Isla, Georgia and her friend
Daisy. George's right, Daisy,And then we are on the road for
five weeks and and like that whenit's funny because they listened to the clip.

(44:07):
But I lived life at right,so like my life's a little faster
than their. Yesterday. In themiddle of the heat of production, I
just went to where bunk and wentto sleep. I was like, yo,
white privilege. Everyone's working out here. She's like, I'm getting a
migraine, and I go, oh, are you go outside? Grip over
there. If he's getting migraine,that's why he's on the OSS's We're all

(44:30):
getting migraines. Isla, God,I need to sleep. Oh, I
bet you do. It's following themascot around hard. So she last year
was just me and Georgia and thisyear it's all of us. And then
and so then I was like,she's gonna look at colleges, and so
we like Monday, we leave fromNew Hampshire to go look at some colleges

(44:53):
and then this is the cool things. Like it's happened ever ever since.
I don't know what happened, butthere's been a change in my We were
like people will say like, Yo, this band's playing here, do you
want to go see them? Andthen I'm talking and I'm like, yeah,
let's go see him. So hisband I'm really into it is called
Goose. They're in Chicago. Andthen I was like, I was like,
hey, after we look at colleges, I'm gonna fly to Chicago to

(45:15):
go watch this band. And thenI'm gonna take get a car service to
get a jet to go back toTraverse City and I'll meet up with you
guys one thing. And Lean's likeI want to go. I was like
cool, And then I was like, wait can I go? I was
like yeah, and she's like,hold on, We're just gonna fly to
Chicago to watch a concert. AndI go yeah, and she was like
wait, are you serious? AndI was like yeah. She's like,
he's Georgia going. I go no, oh, yeah, I'm in And

(45:38):
then she pulled me inside. Shegoes, can I drink? I go,
wait, we're on Serbia. Isla, no, you can't drink.
She goes, will you tell mymom? I'm like, I just sparted.
Everyone should know. I just sparted. And it's bad. It's bags.
I don't know what's inside me.It is not good stuff. I'll
tell you that because it's I'll tellyou. What I've been packing in is

(45:59):
coffee and IPA and it's bad.I'm kidding. You're gonna smell it first.
This is how COVID started. Wouldany great have COVID smelled like a
fart? Is this real? Didyou guys get vaccinated? I'll tell you
in a week for new coffin onme? It is as bad. It's
stuck in my pants. I trippedand I fell into my door one time.

(46:21):
Do you ever see that video?I hit my head on my door.
I broke a planner. I wasdrunk, and everyone was Everyone was
really concerned about me, excited ahead injury, and I was pretty hammered.
And Ila said to me in ourkitchen, she and everyone was being
very serious, and I like,goes, well, and I need you
guys to look at me. I'mgonna say it. Then I'm gonna I'm
gonna turn and look to you guy. She well, I guess we learned

(46:44):
something said what's that? She goes, Dad can't drinking skinny jeans drinking?
Hold on? I was like,Dad, you can drink is skinny?
These are skinny jeans. You needloser jeans if you're gonna drink. Dad,

(47:07):
Which of the girls true or falsestory? There was? What the
last special Razzle Dazzle, which,by the way, is great, fantastic,
better than all my other specials.I never saw that coming. The
everyone likes this, so it's fantastic. It really, really, really is
good. My only complaint is Idon't I want leand to sound more sophisticated.

(47:35):
Me too, Me too, thatwill be nice. Mom back,
momback, what are you saying?You're saying? Come on back, mom
back? She's a redneck. Shehates it. It's so funny. No,
she hates it. And what Ididn't realize I was doing. It's

(47:57):
like you learn everything when you doa special, right, So when I
didn't realize I was doing was Iwas setting up a punchline for any time
she spoke, because any time everytime I have her speak, people forgot
I was making fun of her accident. So I so I did it.
One time we did it in Syracuse. My buddy Tony, who produces all
my specials, comes out to seeme, and I did Lean's voice and

(48:19):
whatever. I don't forget. It'slike the beginning that I start doing her
voice and then I said, shedoesn't really sound like that. And then
I later in the in the thing, I did it again and it got
a huge laugh, and he goes, you need her voice does sound like
that to the old special, andLean's in the room. She's like,
I don't want that, and hegoes no, but it's really funny.
She goes, I don't sound likethat. He goes, well, you
kind of do it. I think. He goes, like to like a

(48:43):
regular person, you don't know whatyou sound like? You kind to do.
She's like, don't do that,And I just made it worse and
worse and worse. It was likereally a cool little accident, because throughout
the special, any time it getsworse and it and it's and she hates
it. Hates it. Oh,I was telling the joke about I was

(49:05):
telling the joke about her being oldlast night and she walked out on stage
with a beer for me. Shegoes, here you go, you get
back in your cage. What areyou doing, yo, you're a character
in this Get up? What areyou doing? She's it's everyone's there.
I was there. I'd go,oh, I'd got protective. She was,
don't like when he calls you agargoyle. I don't like that.

(49:28):
And lean goes, it's a joke. She goes, no, but I
don't like it. Mom. You'rehe's making you, making fun of you.
And Leanne was like, oh,have you heard him talking about you?
That idiot? I have lit herup. I have I have created
I have created a monster in thatone. If I could put that back

(49:50):
in the cage, I would.That was a big mistake, big mistake.
You're lucky your dad never made youguys famous, like I made her
famous for being the dumbest personalized.But which is the so the the the
I'm not giving away anything from thatspecial the escape room bit. Yeah,
at the which like laughing until youcry, you know it's it's I did

(50:12):
not see that coming. I didnot. I didn't think anyone was gonna
like that bit is the start ofthat bit true that one of the girls.
You were performing somewhere and one ofthe girls called you, and I
don't remember which one it was,and you were on stage, but you
were like, oh crap, oneof the girls are calling. It's your
kid. She's in college. Ifsomething someone calls from college, kids are
at the same age, Yeah,O kids at the exact same age.

(50:35):
Sim sim graid uh. If yourkid calls from college, you answer,
the answer the phone. It's like, look, if your kids call,
you answer, but when they're inthe house, you're like, what do
you need? Right, But whenyou get a call from college, you
answer. And I was on stageand I was like, oh crap,
it's my daughter. And so Ianswered and I was like, hey,
what's the matter. She's like nothing? What are you doing? I was
like, I'm on stage. Whatdo you need? She's like nothing,
I'm just checking in. And Iwas like, I was like, you

(50:57):
know what I do for a living. Why would you call now? She
goes, what are you talking about? And I said nothing, and I
said I'm looking for a closer.She goes have you done an escape room?
I said, what do you mean? She was when we went to
the escape room with you and Papaand Nana, And I went, now
why she was, what's funny?And I said, I don't remember it,
really, she was, Remember weonly wanted to go to watch Papa
loses. I have a panic attack. And I went and the audience laughed,

(51:20):
and I went, no, shewas, remember remember the Papa thought
that guy was a serial killer.And then everyone laughed. And she goes,
remember it was in that guy's house, and then everyone laughed. She
was, remember Papa through Nana intothe wall, and everyone's laughing. I
go, we keep going, whatelse happened? It's all on speaker phone.
And I go, and she goes, and she tells the whole bit
up until the ending. She didn'ttell the ending. And I don't remember

(51:40):
any of it because I had alegit panic attack. I had a legit
panic attack. I did not enjoythat day at all. Me and my
dad got in a huge fight.We went to cheesecap factory afterwards. It
was a nightmare. It was anightmare. And uh and and then I
just was like, oh, Igotta tell that, and so I just
kind of told it the way shesaid it on stage. And then there's
a comedian, a comedian named RussellHoward who was familiar with my work,

(52:04):
and he said, uh, youknow, Ila's your muse, but Georgia's
your Jimmy Cricket. And I didn'tunderstand that because I was like, I
don't I don't do you think Iknow Jimmy Crickett some some dude from Europe
who knows who's familiar with Jimminy Cricket. I was like, can you make
it? Like, make it Billyout. I don't know Billy Elliott.

(52:25):
Who is it? I don't know? So I don't even know who your
prime minister is. Why are yousaying Jimminy Crickett? And so then I
realized, I guess Jimmy Cricket.It's like the voice inside your head or
what. I don't know. ButGeorgia, why do you still don't know
what it means? But Georgia isthe one that points out material to me.
She always has been. And it'swhat stinks when she went to college

(52:45):
is that she was the one thatwould look at me sideways and go,
are you are you sure? Areyou being serious right now, and so
like, and there's always me andIla, Isla and I are the idiots,
and Georgia's kind of the brain that'swatching the two idiots. And then
we'll pull me aside and go,you're thinking about getting her a wild animal
for a birthday, And I waslike, it's a fox. She was

(53:08):
like, hold on, dad,she's six. Georgia was eight, and
I go, yeah, baby,you can get them. She goes,
you're getting Ila a wild animal?I said, yeah, well yeah,
she was what's my mom gonna saywhen I'm not running in my mom?
She goes, hold on that.There's an eight year old talking to a
forty seven year old and a fortyfour year old. And I go and

(53:28):
but like, she's always been thatbrain. So then she wrote wrote that
whole bit for it, and thenI and it was my closer. So
the way inside baseball, the wayNetflix works, the way I work it,
because I put my closure at twentytwo minutes. That's always been my
closer. It because people only watchthirty minutes of Netflix specials and then they
turn off, right, So Imean, I'm very inside baseball. When

(53:49):
I did Secret Time, my bestbit was the went in dout, spread
them out, zip lining, right. I put it at twenty four minutes,
so that if you're gonna only watchthirty minutes of my special, you're
going to closer. You're gonna seemy best bit, right, And then
I'm I was assuming you then watchthe rest of my special. High views
on secret time higher than we're expected. But my rate of retention was through

(54:09):
the roof, so much so thatthey pulled me into a meeting and they
said, what did you do?Like, what did you do? This
doesn't make sense. No one watchesmore than thirty minutes, but they watched
ninety seven percent of your special?And I said, can I tell you?
As I sat in the room withtwo comedians who had Netflix specials who
were complaining that no one watched theirwhole special. And then I watched their
special, and at twenty four minutes, I was bored, right, And

(54:30):
I said, so I just andthen but I watched the end and the
end was good. So I justsaid, I'll do the same thing for
mine. I'll put my clothes inthe middle. My rate of retention for
all my specials have been through theroof. What's crazy is now this stupid,
razzle dazzle. No one remembers theone I put at twenty four minutes.

(54:50):
Everyone's watching my Whole Special, andthey're watching The Closer, which no
one watches the Closer. I meandead serious. I can tell you the
names where they watch the whole special. Chris Rock, Daschapelle, John will
Any those are the only names,and mine are the only ones that beginning
to end. And so and nowthose guys are so good that everything they
do, but for me, Ihave to kind of work the system.

(55:12):
I'm not. I'm not. I'mnot those guys, by the way,
just to be fair, there's otherpeople too. I'm not. I'm not
just saying like, those are thethree names where the raid of retention is
through the roof. Sure, andso I just worked it differently, and
and other comedians didn't want to.And I think I think it's I think
if you don't, if you don't, if you ignore the information that's in
front of you, then you're you'reout of your mind. So what was
the so so go to razzle dazzle, the escape room bim not intended not

(55:36):
in closers, the raffle, ohcloses, that's the best story I have
and no one brings it up.Everyone talks about the room. I mean,
I like, I I was,I was debating back and forth.
Is it Raffle or snow machine?What's the closers? Are both bangers?
No one has mentioned this stupid raffleand it was it was murdering on stage,

(56:00):
murdering, murdering, that's me,nothing nothing. I'm like, are
you kidding me? Yeah? Yeah, it's it's funny what people you know.
So now I'm now, I'm like, I don't even want to do
another special because I don't know howit works anymore. I don't know how
to make it special. I thoughtI knew how to make it. I
mean, they send my special aroundthe comics and they were like, you

(56:21):
know, check out the special.This is how he did it. Because
the whole thing is can we're notgonna pay for an hour. That's why
they started doing thirty minutes yea,right, like, we're not gonna pay
for an hour if no one's watchingthe hour, right and so uh and
but that's why I'll I mean,I hope that I continue get to do
hours over there, but uh,just ask Georgia. She'll figure it out
for you. We bartied with it, dude, and this is this is

(56:44):
so okay, go ahead, goahead. So I telled way too much
and I'm apologizing ahead of time ifI tells it way too much. I
get invited to go to uh aLakers game right by Robbie Prawl. He
runs comedy over Netflix. He's like, hey, yo, I got the
box for the Netflix box and wewant to come by. This would be

(57:06):
you know, hang out. AndI was like, cool, so I
bring Leanne. I didn't know you'resupposed to bring someone cool, so like
I know I was supposed to bringin a celebrity. I just thought I
remember bring my wife as what aregular person does. And uh and I
and I'm and I go in andI'm hanging out with these dudes. Like
I'm not someone that goes. Idon't not that I don't care about celebrity,

(57:29):
but it's for me on months fromI'd rather talk to a person.
Sure, then I get overwhelmed bycelebrity and I get nervous and whatever.
So if I'm hanging with these dudes, uh, I will say their names,
but just two dudes, Okay,two dudes. We're have a great
conversation. We're having a great conversation, very nice guys, and we're talking
about baseball, and like, justgreat. It's great when you get into

(57:49):
a regular conversation with a regular person. And then uh, And I'm not
being arrogant or anything. I'm justbeing like, oh this cool. This
one guy's very familiar with the box. He's like, what do you want
to drink? And I was like, I don't know, what do you
have? And He's like, oh, Gore's anything. I was like,
I was like, do you workfor a Netflix? This is like this
is gold Jamison. I was like, are we getting trouble? And then

(58:13):
uh, Ted so Randos shows up, guy owns Netflix walks in the box.
Is the most regular guy you've evermet in your entire life, like
the parties here, like the funnestdude. And I'm like, I'm like,
he's Ted Randos. To lean I'mlike this is I was like,
oh my god. I was like, he's my boss. Leanne like an
idiot, goes up, goes thankyou for everything we have? What are

(58:35):
you doing playing? Col Da Bellwalks in. I'm like, oh my
god, where regular people? Igo grab my two regular people like you
can you believe this? This isinsane and one guy's totally unaffected. I
go, no, sure, andTed comes up and he's like, Bert,

(58:57):
so good to see such a fan. I love Razzle Dazzle. He
goes, can I tell you whyyou're on Netflix? Like a why?
And he goes, my son lovesyou. I've been sitting this your son,
this is your son. Give hima bell. You can't just have
a son around. I had thebest time with Ted and his son had

(59:20):
no idea son was with me.His son and I went into Dave Schappelle's
box and we were like, wegotta get out of here. There too
many famous people. I had thebest time with those guys and they were
so regular. Like I was like, you guys are supposed to be different.
We're supposed to try to get usto be pedophiles or something like there's
eat pizza and be pedophiles. Theywere the regular, most regular dudes.

(59:42):
And it was like, literally,in this box, it's me, Dave
Chappelle, Ted srandalls his son Tony, his son, Tony's friend Lin,
and Dave Schapbel kept calling Liah missusChrazier. We were so always dude,
Dave Chappelle, I gotta tell youI hung out with I had a really

(01:00:05):
crazy week leading up to the movie. Dave Chappelle is is like Arnold schwartzen
Ager. He gives you everything youwant out of that moment with him,
right, dude, it's selfless.It is awesome. He is larger than
life, but he's so dialed intodown to earth that he like looks you
in the eyes. He's like likehe came in. When I first met
him, he said, he waslike you could tell like he was there

(01:00:28):
was a lot going on because we'rein another box, me and Tony,
like Missy Elliot's in there. Imean, who's those who's in there?
It's just it's packed. And DaveSchapelle is like, you know, just
kind of walks in and he hasdrink and then and then when he comes
into the other box, he comesover and he's like like a very and
I mean this there's like a statement. I know this sounds crazy, but

(01:00:49):
like just very regular person where hecomes up and he goes, dude,
I didn't know that was you.I'm so sorry, man, I'm like,
you're funny. Like he just andthen he has a moment and you're
like, you're not supposed to belike this, You're supposed to be weird
and broken, right, But he'sso cool, he's so like you,
and I've wanted to meet him forso long. Oh oh, Elliott.

(01:01:09):
I made an ass of myself.I made a complete top to bottom as
myself. Well, I he sayssomething I don't like. I don't know
what you're not allowed to share,not share, but like he just was
like he was very complimentary of me, and he was and he was,
and he said, you know,I really appreciate because I've always talked kindly

(01:01:31):
of Chappelle. I love. Ithink he's the best comedian we have.
In my opinion, he's our bestcomedy. And because I really appreciate the
kind words you say about me,I've heard them and it means a lot.
And I went, yeah, andbecause you don't have to talk like
that to me, And of courseI then dropped the garden. I go,
I'm gonna tell you why I talkedabout that about you. And I
walked him through his career. Imade things so uncomfortable that he kept grabbing

(01:01:57):
le ango miss Griser, you canget me out of here. I was
like, I was like, Iwas like the first time I moved,
my first day in New York,I saw him on stage. It's a
true story. I saw him onstage and he's Dave Chappelle. He's a
men in tights, He's one ofthem. He's still he's about to be
the best comedian in the world.But he's but everyone knows it, but
he just hasn't done it yet.And I go up to him. I've
just left Florida State. For therecord, boys, I'm famous at this

(01:02:19):
moment. I'm in Rolling Stone magazine. I got the wind beneath my feet.
Hollywood is waiting for me to showup. And I see a young
Dave Chappelle, who, by theway, it's not young, he's my
age. And I say to him, I pulled him aside as against all
stage. I said, this isin New York, this is in New
York. Day one. Hey,my name is Bert. I was in

(01:02:42):
Rolling Stell magazine. I'm a comedian. I've never done comedy at the time.
You're funny. You're funny, you'regood. Let me give you some
advice. Okay, you need tostick with this because a guy like you,
I think you can go places andDave Chappelle, who's a millionaire at
the time, does not go heyand leave me alone. He says,
I really appreciate the compliments. Isaid really, and he goes, yeah,

(01:03:06):
man, thank you very much.You know you need stuff like that
keep you going. I appreciate it. And he's like, what's your name?
I said Burt, and he's like, cool, man, it's very
nice to meet you. I'm Dave. And then he's like, we're going
down to a drink and I waslike, oh, cool, yeah,
maybe I'll hang out with you.I'm kind of busy. I'm ended up
by the way. I didn't godown. I ended up partying with daily
Roth that I had so win beneaththings. And then and then I started.

(01:03:27):
I started walking him through all thethings and all my experiences with him
to dall is like a great whiteshark, like he swims by you and
you kind of go oh. Andand then I walked him through my favorite
jokes of his, and Dabel wasso kind. He sat through all of
this ear beating and then gave mea phone number. I was like,
yo, I'm doing this thing.Come through and and then of course,

(01:03:50):
you know, you think, doyou think, I said, do you
think Jasiabel was like, I'm doingthis thing? Come through? Do you
think you don't think I would?Dude, let me tell you about me.
You up with their names coming outthe food differ. I am unbearable.
I would never talk to me.I would if I saw myself quaking
across the room, I turned aroundand go, I have COVID Where did

(01:04:15):
my cold beer go? Were thisbad when you met um um Mark Hamill
for the first time? Oh,I was worse? Are you kidding me?
I was on a private jet withhim. I sat down next to
him. I was like, Luke, we need to talk. I go
number one? Were there people inside? R two, D two and three
po? And he's like, whois this guy? He was like,
yeah, there's a person and Cthree PO. I go, how do

(01:04:38):
they do that? And he's like, I don't know. They put a
costume on a dude. I go, did you know that, dude?
And he's like, yeah, Iknew that. Like I walked through.
I was bad. I was stillbad. I'm still bad, dude.
He was at the premiere the premiereand I was like, and you know,
I mean, I can't get intothe details, but I was like,
Mark, I'm about to pray everyoneI know to you, and you're

(01:05:00):
gonna take pictures with all of them. And he was like, I'm kind
of okay. I was like allright. I literally I'm not even I'm
being dead serious. I was likea grandma Christmas. I was like,
all right, Dan, click,get in there. Mark click, Like
all right, next, dad,get in with Mark, dad and mom
and with Mark dad, mom mydaughter's Dan lean, Mark lean my mom
and dad. I literally Mark wasexhausted and I and I just and I'm

(01:05:26):
it's I do not know what it'slike to be him, but I have
this idea of what it's like tobe mean, and so I just make
him be mean and man, makehim tell stories that he's told. Like
I'm bad, I'll go. Igo. Mark tell my dad about meeting
Arnot schwartzen Ager and he was likeokay. I had breakfast with him one
morning when he wanted to become anactor, and I gave him two bits
of advice. This is a goodpark dad listening. I told him lose

(01:05:47):
the name and lose the accent.I go. It didn't work. I
am horrible with Mark. I amhorrible I'm so bad. I have to
check with his daughter. Literally,I go, Chelsea, let me know
when it's too much. Because Iwas dude in Serbia, I'd be like
when I met at Me just cameover to the house and I had pizza.
I didn't I go. I didn'tknow you were coming. I would

(01:06:08):
have gotten better food. He goes, I like a pizza. I hit
some Mark Hamile's pizza. Can youbelieve that? I thought he want Canny
on Champagne. He wants pizza.And then that day I got one hundred
dollars worth of McDonald's. I hadtwo big max in my pocket. You're
shooting a scene in the in theback of my pockets. It would be

(01:06:29):
cool if you right here. Andhe just went like this. So I'm
so jacked. I can barely isthat. I'm so jacked. I can't
get my fingers in my ears anymore. That's so muscular I am. This
is the best part of the show. Just so you guys know, this
is a sweet spot. It's gonnago south in a second because I'm just

(01:06:50):
the perfect amount of drunk and yourdad's having a great time. But it's
about the turn, so so sowait, what are we talking about?
Mark Hambell two big Macks in mypocket. I had two big backs in
my pocket and Mark says, uhoh, this is a secret. By

(01:07:11):
the way he goes, he goes, they have McDonald's And I said,
have McDonald's. I have McDonald's.He looks at me and he goes,
what do you have? So Ihave two big Macs in my pocket.
He goes, Mary Lou doesn't letme eat Big Max. I go,
Mark, you one Big Max andhe goes, I love one of your
Big MAXs. So I pulled outin my pocket and he goes, it's
really in your pocket. I said, it's still warm. It's been in

(01:07:34):
my pocket. And we ate BigMax. And I watched this man said
criss cross apple sauce in the carand work a big Mac like he wanted
a second date. He had somuch fun with this big Mac. And
then he said, he goes,did you get cheeseburgers? Mark, I

(01:07:55):
got cheeseburger in my back pocket.These are hot. We had so many
And then yeah, he's he's thebest. And I I'm a lot like
I've we've we've established me and himlike I can overwhelm him, like he
used to take me in very smallbites. I can definitely overwhelm him.
Now will he be the like ishe gonna be the guy that's always in

(01:08:17):
your movies? Like would you doFat Astronauts with Tom Sigura? Will he
be in? Uh? I'll waittoo done. It's already killing I PA
feels like kissing the shoeshine boy.The taste is just off. Will he
like? Is he gonna be likelike like in all of your movies?

(01:08:39):
Now? No, I found thatout the hard way, that these people
are done working with me. Isaid, did Jimmy are? I said,
you know, if we do asequel, it'll be cool if like
young Burt And he goes, hey, I'm done playing Burt. What he
goes, it's good for you,but like, I don't want to be
playing Burt my whole life. Iwas like, for really, he goes,
are you being serious? Jimmy Tadresaid to me we were talking and

(01:09:01):
we were talking about acting, andhe goes, so you want to do
more of it? And I saidyeah. He's like, what would you
want to work with? With?Who do you want to work with?
Like? What do you mean?Who do I want to work with.
I just want to do another movie. He's like, like, like,
what kind of role? I said, like me as I went to the
machine too. And then he's likeand then I go to the machine three
and he goes, wait, likewhat about acting? I don't know about
acting. He goes, he Idon't think you want to be an actor.

(01:09:24):
I think you want to be amovie star. I go, yeah,
I don't care about an actor.I don't want to serve the process.
I'm not here for the project.I'm here for me. I want
to make sure I can get bigMax whenever I want throw parties. I'm
not I'm not an actor. Iwould love to say that. I'm I
think I think I'm an okay actorright, like cheekoat it. But like

(01:09:48):
you'll see if you watch a movie. By the way, I should do
a I should do a behind thescenes run of all, Like I think
there's characters cut right because in eightypercent of the scenes you'll see me look
at my mark before I hit it. I swear to god, they're like,
hey, stop looking down because I'llbe like I'd be like, hold
on, damn, are you ondrug? I'm bad. I'm I'm a

(01:10:14):
bad actor. I made all theand all the fight scenes. If you
watch the fight scenes again, youhear me make the noise. I swear
to God, and they're like,can you might not make the noise,
and I go no. But that'show we practice because you because you're doing
slow motion and you oh gosh,and then Arnold Swartzer goes, I know
you do the gun rehearsal and yougo pop pop pop, And then I'm

(01:10:35):
in the movie going pop pop pop. I'm not. I'm not. I
don't think I'm playing like a likea gay politician anytime soon. I don't
think I think I'm gonna play berta fatter version of birth. I told
someone, I go, I'm gainingweight for a movie at the premiere,
and they go, what movie?I go, this one. I want

(01:10:56):
to watch it, and I thinkI look skinny. I'm putting on weight
so I can watch this and joyit and go, I look good.
I do look good in that movie. I'm more jack now. I look
better now, like as a masculine, I'm more believable as a leading hero,
like as a like my shoulders Iserved yesterday Forest Hills. All right,
what are the questions you have acouple of things I learned about you

(01:11:19):
very recently. Had no idea youwere big Beverly Hills nine two one oh
yeah, which one did you dressup like? Come on, Brandon bro
Dylan, dude who wanted to beBrandon? Who? Oh? Hold on?
This is a great can I tellyou one of the coolest things in
the world. Uh, Dylan withthe real guy Luke Perry live down the

(01:11:43):
street from us. Are you serious? Secret time? Yeah? This is
a good story, is a reallygood story. So Leanne uh wants to
live in the valley. I donot want to live in the valley.
That's where losers live. It's wherelosers live. All the people that are
of the camera or in Hollywood,all the people behind the camera or in
the valley. That's where my brainworks. I'm not ready to give up

(01:12:04):
all my career. I'm want tolive in Hollywood. Right. So they
am buys the house is in thevalley. I have no saying that she
buys our first house in the valley. An amazing investment spent. I'll give
you the address, four eight twofive Agnes Avenue. That's our first house.
I bought it for five hundred twentythousand, it's worth one point five
now because she's a She is thesmartest redneck. She's the kind of redneck.

(01:12:28):
He goes, No, no,if we're gonna let them dogs fight,
we charge people. Hell yeah.So, uh, that was our
first house right right still on it. Someone rents it. But she's a
smart person, so we get thathouse. And then she takes me to
this big fair that the school has, and she goes, these are our
friends. We're gonna make friends.This is our school. Our girls are

(01:12:49):
going to school here. And I'mmiserable and they're shriting alcohol and I'm miserable
at this big world fair. Andthen she knows me so well as she
goes, don't like this school.I said, I don't know. I
don't see anyone i'd hang out with. She goes, look on stage.
I look on stage, and LukePerry's playing guitar with like a bunch of

(01:13:11):
celebrities. But all I see isLuke Perry. She goes, you know,
his kids go here? And Igo, Dylan's kids go here.
She goes, is it good enoughfor Burke christ Hip? Was good enough
for Dylan? I went, look, I like the school. He looked
down the street from us, andwe would and we would see him all
the time, all the time,and he's such a gangsters. He was

(01:13:31):
such a Gangster's passed, but hewas broke my heart. We cried when
he died because like we didn't knowhim, know him, but we had.
We had Priscilla who passed also.They died for different reasons. But
uh, we killed Prisilla. Wedidn't kill him. Um, this is
getting dark. But he Priscilla wasa bullmastif one hundred and fifty found bullmasteriff
and he would always stop if wewere wherever walking Priscilla, and he'd always

(01:13:55):
talked to learn and Leanne would justlike Leanne knew him. I barely knew
him. He was a regular dude, drove like a Toyota Tacoma like a
regular dude. Regular, like alwayslike dress, regular, still good looking,
awesome. Man. I missed thatguy and I didn't really really know
him, but like he was thebet. Yeah, I was a big
n I used to put. Iused to boat mascara all my sideburns to

(01:14:17):
fill him in because I stop himgoes. So I used to us to
fill in fill him because they werehe was a badass. That was probably
the gayest thing I've ever done,is get into nine to two and l
no, not at all. Wellknow, because when I didn't everybody I
didn't. I went to school FloridaState. We'd keep that in the closet.
We couldn't tell people are watching that. Me and my buddy Jeff Harley

(01:14:40):
would watch nine or two and ohand be like, how did my sideburns
look? Okay? Cool? Minelook good too, dude? He was
that was a great So that's afteryou were you went through your like speedo
in knee him moccasins. Oh okay, if if we're trying to highlight my
game moments of life, yeah,that's definitely after that. That's a solid
seven years after the speed on andknee high moccasins. Was look a collected

(01:15:05):
figuring horses and precious gems, andI worse his speed up. I was
a my dad's like getting knee pads. I can't imagine being my dad.
My dad and this is like whenlike you couldn't have gay sons, And
my dad was just like, cool, we'll figure it out. Let's hope

(01:15:27):
this works out. I've got hisback. He was progressive when you're were
supposed to be progressive, all right, last two things, Last two things,
and then you'll stay for dirt.That'll be yes, of course.
But last two things. I wantto I want to pitch you on something
like I know that you're busy,You've got your you're on tour, and
then you got to go film thatmovie with cigura um in January in Australia.

(01:15:49):
No, you know what I wantto do. I mentioned this after.
I want to bore you with thewhole backstory. I want you me
and that somebody else. Yeah,I want us to go do naked and
afraid. Oh doing a heartbeat?Wouldn't that be awesome? Doing a heartbeat?
Yeah? So let's do it.Oh please, I don't only want
to do it dude, so wellyeah, no kidding because yeah, because

(01:16:10):
I don't know if when it getscold and you cuddled with the check,
I don't know if I can likestop myself. You know. That's like
like you know these people that theirdiet is. I chew the pizza,
but then I spit it out andI was like, I keep another amount
to follow. Yeah, I doit. I do it. Wouldn't that
be fine? I would love it? Where will we do it? Wherever
they send us? I don't know, but you know, no poison,
the snakes. You don't know whatyou're gonna get. I know, but

(01:16:32):
let's just go to Hawaii or somethinglike somewhere where there's no predators. It's
like Germany, US Germany. We'reat the pool in Hawaii. Good.
Germany has no predators. That's whythey're so soft. You know that no
predators. Did you boys know thatthere's zero predators? Think about this,
Okay, zero predators. Zero.They grew up with zero predators. I

(01:16:56):
grew up in Florida. Our lightningis bad. We couldn't have drafted at
our zoo. They tried, andthey all first thunderstorm. They all died
ring strikes. How hard it wouldbe to be a draft in a thunderstorm
and just be like, oh,it's just me, all right. The
last thing, I need you toanswer a question honestly, because I feel

(01:17:17):
like you ducked it the last timeI asked you. I'm okay, I'm
nervous. I'm gonna ask you ina different way though. Okay. The
writers strike in Hollywood. Yeah,did that interfere with you hosting Saturday Night
Live. Nope, can't be mydodge this last time. A little thing

(01:17:39):
called Lauren Michael has been a hiccupand he's never heard of me. And
that's why I haven't got an invite. No, No, I'm not famous
enough to host. But it wouldhave been the lead up to the movie.
No, it never happened. Andby the way, I don't know
if i'd do it. That's whatyou said the last Yeah, because because

(01:18:01):
it's so much pressure for like Imean, I looked for for like stay
on stage every night of your life, but this is Saturday Night Live.
Okay, I leave that to theChappelle's. Yeah, but lead that to
like the people that don't they're they'rethey're built for that. I'm not built
for that. You're on stage withBig Ja. No, I'm built for
this. It's a little different.It's a little different. Here's the deal.

(01:18:28):
I remember when Bird did it,and I was like, I was
so excited. I was so excitedwhen Bird did it because I was like,
because you know, he's he wasat the time we were doing a
podcast together. He's super accessible andhe's like he's like one of the bros.
And and to watch him do itwas like, whoa, that's like
one of us. And I don'tmean, I don't meant Chapelle's. I
mean Chapelle's just so big. Yeah. No, no, it was like

(01:18:49):
a like what you see. Iremember being so excited when he did it,
and I remember thinking to myself,would I do it? Because the
pressure had to be crazy and Ithink I spilled. He was like,
not that bad because he Bill's Bill'syou know, one of the best too.
Sure, but uh, I don't. I don't know if I would
want to deal with the pressure.You know, it's like it's a lot

(01:19:11):
of pressure'd be fine. Uh yeah. I can only imagine I'll walk out
and take my shirt off and halfthe honest will be like what is this
and I say, oh, thisis my thing. I do it shirtless,
Like yeah, but you're not attractive. I go, it's part of
the game. I would And thenI am afraid, Like I it's hard

(01:19:32):
for me not to curse, right, I curse and they get banned.
Oh yeah, you know, there'sa there's a list of things I want
to do. I want to workwith Jonah Hill I really do, right,
I hear he's like the best,Well you can get that done.
I'm not good with celebrities. No, okay, you're ready, You're ready,
ready, ready with Mark, I'mready ready you be Jonah Hell,

(01:19:54):
I'm gonna be Burt Cis Sharks sweargud. This is how our first conversation
will go. Oh, hi BertJonah, nice to meet you. Hey.
One time you on Agnes and youwent into a house just up by
Houston. Why are you going intothat house? So all? I want
to ask him? So only reasonI want to work with. I saw
him walking into a house on mystreet one time, and I goes John
Hill, what's he doing going tothis is how his parents? Is this

(01:20:15):
therapist? Oh? That's just Oh, I hope it's a therapist he did
that great time. It's this therapist. It's the person whose house it is
a therapist. I shouldn't have saidthat. I think it just out of
where his therapist lives. I betthat's who. I bet that's why he
was going there. He did thisgreat documentary with this therapist, right,
and I wonder. I saw himgoing to this house a couple times and

(01:20:36):
I was like, what is hedoing on my street? And Jona Hills
like pretty private dude, I'm glad. I just told everyone were was therapist,
and he got the exact address acouple of houses down. You got
it right on the jack in thebox and I saw and I was like,
that's all. I'd ask him whyare you going into the house at

(01:20:57):
one time and they'd be like,huh, you know what I'm talking about,
and then I make it awkward.I want to work with Jonah Hill
really bad. I just want towhy. He's really funny, right,
he's really funny. Great, Yeah, um, he's great. I don't
want to work with him. Butthat's how those I'm not good at celebrity
interactions. I'm just not. Isaid, you know what I said to
Rob Blow? The no, whatdid you say to Rob Blow? So

(01:21:19):
your face is perfect? Well that'sa nice compliment, so pretty yes,
and he's like, yeah, thankyou. And I was like, oh,
I'm not done. And then Imade him take pictures with my wife,
like I made Rob that guy again. Oh. I walked Rob Low
around our production office as if Iwas trying to sell him to somebody.

(01:21:39):
I was like, t look,take you look, touch it, it's
real, touch it. Pull yournecklace out of your shirt, dude,
like that it looks good. Iwas like, hey man, we should
Shane's numbers, and he's like,cool, have someone reach out. I
was like, I was like,do you want to play golf? And
he I played with a regular groupof guys. He's like, I thought
you were the other guy. Igo what he guys? I thought you

(01:22:00):
were the other guy. You thoughtit was Tom. I's gonnaeeing you.
I was like, yeah, Iam so bad with celebrities. I am
so bad. I hung out withKevin Smith, the most regular celebrity you'll
ever meet, and I offered tobuy his house. Like, I just
do not work. I'm not good. I'm not good. I don't belong

(01:22:23):
in Hollywood. I belong doing radiowith you guys. This is where I'm
comfortable. This is where I canbe myself. I know I'm getting phone
calls today. I know I will. Why would you tell everyone we're Jon
Hill's therapist lives? Why did youtalk about the cotton pick a minute?
We're not supposed to talk about that. I'm just not good at this.
It's ten am and I'm drunk.Well it's actually almost eleven, but that's

(01:22:45):
okay. That's not that bad.I got crab feast at one. Oh
dude, we're doing a big crabfeast at the at the venue. Do
you not like crabs? Oh?You got crabs in college? You turn
off from him? Last night,last night, last night, I walk
into a conversation where Tiffany Hattish istalking to my daughter Isla, who's sixteen,

(01:23:06):
and she says, no, thisis all I hear. No,
you need to keep your pubic hare. What I go, wait, Ago,
Leon, are you monitoring this conversation? She goes, what are they
talking about? Tiffany goes, thisis how we stop best TD said.
I'm like, hold on, it'snot just even care. Hold on,
I need to be a part ofthis. I'm her father. I swear

(01:23:28):
to God, iila walked away withyour job. And she goes, Tiffany
has a lot of information. Thisis you need to keep your pubic hair.
I go, what are you talkingabout? This tour is awesome?
Uh, the fully loaded comedy Tour. Tiffany Hattish, Davitel, Big Jay
Oakerson, Dan soder Rich, Boss, Tammy Pescatelli, Bert Kreischer, Tonight,

(01:23:53):
CFG Bank Arena or and all theinformation you need and tickets open that
up ber there's tickets available. Goto fully Loaded festival dot com. Come
out tonight. I'm telling you.I'm telling you we open up when these
arenas you can. If you're thinking, what am I gonna do? Why
why would I go out tonight?It's a Thursday night. Call you check
right now, go on line,get the tickets you can. I think

(01:24:15):
you get like, I'm not evenjoking. I think you had a twenty
five dollars ticket for the little higherRight. The sound system is amazing.
They just renovated the place. Goin and have yourself an evening. It's
so fun. I did it withLim. We saw Dwight Yoakum at the
last minute. It was four o'clockin the afternoon, and I said,
can we get to see Dwight Yoakum? She was like, I don't know.
So now I'm different because I calledthe Greek and I said, I

(01:24:36):
said, hey, you have aspot for me, and they said,
we got you. But but thisis the fun part, right, is
that last minute purchase where you callyour check and you go, hey,
tonight we're going to see Fully LoadedAnd she's like, how you go.
Don't worry if we show up alittle late. It's fine. The show
goes until like ten thirty eleven.Let's just go in. It's where we're
gonna have dinner tonight. I'm gonnapick you up from work. We'll get
an uber from there. We're gonnathen go in and land. And I

(01:24:59):
did it. We to see wesee Dwight Yokamp would be a little late.
We might miss the opener. Wedidn't. It was Emmy Lou Harris.
It was awesome. Good for you, it's awesome. And we rolled
in now. It was It wasthe coolest night because you're two grown ups
on the interstate driving in to gosee a show like grown ups do right,
like you saw in the movies,like Steve Martin would do with his
wife in a movie, right,and you're and you're just like, how

(01:25:19):
cool is this? That's what youdo tonight? Call your chick right now,
drive it all the way from thevalley to go do that. Oh
dude, we rolled up. Werolled up now and this is I'll just
tell you about my night. HopefullyI'll inspire your night. Is that at
like four thirty, Dwight Yoakam's playingat seven and I see that there's tickets.
I go in the end. Love'sright, Yoakam? So I real

(01:25:41):
quick. I call the Greek.I go, hey, it's bert Uh.
I played there and they're like,we know who you are. I
go listen, Dwight. Yoakam's theretonight? Is I would love to bring
my wife? Is there anyway?You just gets two tickets? Nosebleeds is
fine, And they're like, no, no, no, we got you.
So I said cool, I saidparking, and they go your name.
We just pull up and say yourname, and I was like Okay.
In my head, I'm like thatdoesn't work. I tell Yanne the

(01:26:03):
coolest look is that like spontaneity.You know. One of the cool things
about me and Leanne is we starteddating each other again. We started like
dating, like physically dating, andit's why we're having really yeah, and
you're flipping out about being an emptynest hardcore hardcore and we're having sex like
she's trying to give me aids likea lot. It's a lot. And

(01:26:25):
so but these little moments bring backthe spark in your relationship. So we
get in the car. I makemyself a road cocktail. She drives.
We're on the one on one andshe says to me, how cool is
this that this is our life thatwe get to go to a show.
I go, baby, there's fiftyfive thousand people getting to do this tonight,

(01:26:45):
Like we're just one of those fivethousand. Right pull up to the
Greek. I text them. I'mlike, yo, do I need like
our parking bass or something? Andthey're like, just say your name.
And I was like, that's nothow this works usually, like usually you
get some and I pull up.The guy goes, hey, missus Chrisher,
missus Krisher. You guys park whereveryou want. And I was like,
huh, this is my experience,but but here's a beauty. Okay,
you're something parking passes tonight killed parkingpasses. Okay. We roll into

(01:27:09):
the Greek, we pull up,we get out, we walk up to
everything. We go to the VIPlittle area, have a cocktail before the
show. Land it's like, whatdo you want for dinner? I go
on, I'm trying to eat light. She goes, I'm gonna get a
pulled pork sandwich. I'm like,what's wrong with you? We needs a
pulled pork sandwich. We get greatseats, and and and by the way.
This is the beauty is that youdon't have to think that your ticket

(01:27:30):
price has to be the full evening. You can just go enjoy a little
of it right and leave. That'sthe beauty of this is that we went.
We ended up coming a little late, caught the tailor and of low
Harris saw Dwight yoakum. He playshis closer and and and we go.
Let's let's get out before the thing. It's the beauty, most beautiful night.
We had dinner there, we haddrinks there. I think we were

(01:27:50):
in bed by ten and we wereand and and we were like, we
need to do that more. It'ssuch a fun thing, that spontaneity of
relationships. Why you guys fell inlove. It's the first kiss energy.
But do it tonight. Texture nowyo, let's go to the new arena.
They just rebuilt it. Let's checkit out. Those shows are coming
in all the time. This isa great one. I got twenty five
dollars tickets. They're a little highup, but we're gonna have dinner at

(01:28:13):
the arena. We're gonna have afew cocktails. We can an uber drop
us off, Uber pick us up. We'll see if you can get a
sitter. That's the funnest part oflife. I watched people do it last
night at Forest Hills and it wasso cool. I get jealous of people
that get to go to shows becauseI don't get to go to shows a
lot. So we're going to seeGoose in Chicago. I don't get to
go to shows, and I loveit. I love the live venue energy.

(01:28:35):
It's so fun to share last withstrangers. Yeah no, that's awesome.
Yea. And if you can't doit tonight, I'll be here in
DCNS in December. Yeah you can. If you can't make it tonight,
don't worry about another opportunity. Andif you're thinking I want to stay in
and watch a movie, the Machineshould be streaming on Netflix pretty sure.