Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
How you guys doing.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I am doing great. How are you?
Speaker 1 (00:04):
I love that you played that song. You know.
Speaker 3 (00:06):
I met the Red clay Stres when they were like
right right about the pop, and as I was putting
out the Special, I was like, I want to use
that as as my intro song, and so I texted
the band in a group text. Now, the band is
a bunch of great kids from Alabama, most of them Christian,
just solid, but they have one wildfire and that's their drummer.
(00:28):
And I texted when everyone's like, it would be an honor,
you can use the song for free. Of course, this
is amazing, so excited for the special. And then the
drummer wrote, this is a hard note for me, dog, and.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
It sent me into a spiral.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
And I was like, wait, was that fact I should
have asked? I should have told them I'll give them money,
I said. And then and then Brandon, the lead singer,
text me and I go, I'm so sorry if I
offended you guys.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
He goes, no, he's an idiot. Of course you could
use our songs.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Bert.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
The Special is great, dude, The Special is fantastic.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
It's really really good.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Thank you man, Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (01:09):
I'm you're getting nervous with these things because it's like
it's like, you know, it's like giving birth to a kid.
You don't know if there's gonna be a school shooter
or not.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
You know, you know what the first thing is you
notice about in the special the two well, I should
say the first two things you notice? And Diana and
I were having this debate earlier. The outfit that you're wearing.
Are those silk pants? What kind of pants are those?
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Yeah, Oh, let's break down this outfit.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
So what I wanted was a Versace one piece outfit
of like like pants and shirt match and they're like,
it's too expensive. We'll just have one made and I
was like, okay, so we made it. There's silk, we
got the pattern out of Italy. It was I didn't
pay attention for the price point on the pattern. And
they're like, how many of these do you want? And
(01:56):
I was like, well, I'm doing six shows, so probably
one for every night, so let's make free and they're
like cool, and then they sent me the bill for
how much those outfits cost fifteen thousand dollars a pop.
And I was like, whoa, And they're not even comfortable,
like they're not and they're heavy, they don't breathe. It's
(02:17):
just like And then last night I did Kimmel and
they're like, hey, it would be great if we'd get
Gamo in one of those outfits, Like, oh yeah, I'll
send one over. And then they're like, yeah, he didn't fit.
We had to cut it apart and make it different
so it fit him. I was like, hold on, hold
on you you just cut up fifteen thousand dollars.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
And then the other thing, you notice, I love a
lot of people in that crowd birth they decided to
join you and not wearing shirts.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Bro, that is the coolest thing that's ever happed. Two
cool things have happened in my career. Is that shirt
taking off thing just took off. And when I'd get
on stage and dues take their shirt off and watch
the whole show shirtless and just stare at me, that
is the coolest. The other the coolest thing that ever
happened One time I was in Birmingham, England and uh
(03:05):
and for whatever reason, the crowd chanted like recited the
Machine story with me and I was like, whoa, Like
it was the creepiest thing to ever happen and I
would stop telling the story and they would keep it going.
And I was like, oh my god, dude, seen shirtless
men that don't belong shirtless makes me so happy.
Speaker 4 (03:26):
But I was gonna say, like, like, like like when
I when I saw you out at Merriweather right and
we were there it was a warm night, and like,
I get it, you're outside, people are in the lawn
or whatever. These people are inside at a theater knowing
that you're taping a special for Netflix, and they're like, yeah,
take them off, here we go.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Dude.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
It's my favorite thing. The first when I had a
secret time in Philly. Dudes, dudes, aggressive Eagles fans were
ripping their shirt off and left it off to the
whole show. And I'm like, guys, I guess this is
what it's like to watch me. I'm just staring at that.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
So a couple of things, and I don't want to
give much away from the special because I want obviously
I want everybody to watch the special, but a couple
of things that really stand out to me.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Dude, I got to tell you.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
When you start talking about your readers and seeing Leanne
and high Death, dude, lost it.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Bro it's gotten worse. I mean like I cannot. I can't.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I sometimes will take my readers off if we're fighting,
because I go, you know, I can't.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
I can't look at you like that you you get.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
And what's even worse is she I looked at myself
with readers and I was like, oh my god, how
much skin damage?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Do I have? Any of it?
Speaker 4 (04:41):
And then another part and bert you you know, like
I love I love comedy.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
I love stand up comedy. Am I the only one?
Speaker 4 (04:49):
And listen, I know it's only been out a day,
but if anybody has seen it, there's a part in
the special where you where you talk about how dumb
you are and what was going on where how dumb
you are? Am I the the only one that is like,
oh give me more hell and Keller jokes?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Oh buddy, I have.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
My daughters have pointed out just how dumb I am.
They asked me what I thought the timeline, because we
were in Italy is the joke I think you're talking about?
And they and they were blown away that I didn't
know that Michael Angelo's name wasn't Michael Angelo? I said,
it was like like me, miss Angelo got Mikey down,
and and and then and then Ilah said to me, so, wait,
(05:30):
what what do you think the timeline of history is?
And I said, well, it goes dinosaurs than Jesus.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Right.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
She was like, she is you think that's all of history?
I go, well, you know it's Shakespeare's afk pretty much.
She was like he looked at me and he goes,
what about Mesopotamia? And I was like, I didn't know
who that is. I never heard of that guy. I
was like, they didn't teach his wope stuff when I
(05:58):
was a kid, that he thought about truth, dinosaurs and Jesus.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
And then let me ask you this.
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Let me ask you this, on a scale of one
to ten, ten being one hundred percent true and zero
being zero percent true, how true is that Snoop Dogg story?
Speaker 3 (06:19):
One hundred percent on? You know, you know it's crazy,
there's more to it. But what's crazy about it is
So I went to I went to a party and
Snoop was the DJ, like he was doing a set
and I was like, yo, I told Leanne, I go,
let's go hang out Snoop And.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
She was like, uh, she was like you know him
like that? And I was like, here, I know much.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
That's not what Leanne sounded like when she said that
to you.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
You don't know him. I was like, no, I do know.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
She goes, we don't talk to him, and I was
like yeah. So I went back. I yelled for his bodyguard.
I was like, yo, Papa, and he's like, Burt, come
on back. And so I told Snoop. I said, Yo,
I'm telling a story about you on stage. I may
put him special and I need permission. Now he's with
all his boys, right, I go, do you remember that
time I thought we were gonna shower? And he was like,
oh yeah, and all his boys pros Like, yo, dude,
(07:10):
what's this story about? The best part of that story
is we ended up in the shower just to see
if we sit. He's like, we don't even fit in here.
And I was like, He's like, how did you think
we were gonna fit in here? He's like if you
didn't even grab the snops.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
I was like, and then, and I'm sure, Bert, I'm
sure you've heard this, and I think this is an
accurate statement on my part. I don't know if I
have ever teared up during a comedy set, and I
don't mean teared up from laughing hard but teared up
from being emotional but also laughing at the same time.
(07:53):
I don't know if I've ever I definitely have never
teared up listening to a comic teller story on stage.
But I've never gone from like wiping a tear because
I'm I'm sad and laughing at the same time. The
story is great and you're telling of it is is unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Thank you so much. That is you know, it's so funny.
It was a little bit of a throwaway story.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Excited. I was like, I don't know what. I don't think.
This isn't like good for comedy. It's like it's people
get emotional. I'd tell it, and.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I would I would see dudes like heaving, like like
doubled over, and I was like, but I can't hear them.
And I didn't realize dudes in the crowd were crying
and women loved it so like my husband hasn't cried
like that. We just put our dog down. And I
was like, and so I was like, I don't know
if I'm gonna tell the story, and so many people
are like, yo, you gotta tell that story, you gotta
tell that story. But I couldn't tell it. Here's the
(08:44):
other thing that was weird. I couldn't tell it every
night because it would bother me, like it would have
hurt me. I get emotional on the story and uh.
And then my girls heard me tell it at the forum.
Both my girls are like, you know, most of your
stuff sucks, Dad, but like that's really good. They're like
you really, you really, that's a great story, and so
(09:06):
uh and that's been the takeaway. I'm like, that's the
one bit that's jumped out that everyone like. I mean, yesterday,
the special have been out for like three hours and
news article someone wrote an article about it, and uh.
People are sending me pictures of them watching the story
or their husband's watching the story on Instagram, and I'm
posting all of them like.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
It is like, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
I think that's also the part of you know, getting
old is like your emotions. You realize how how kind
of finite life is, and you realize that through the
life of your dogs. My one dogs sitting out here
with me right now, uh, and I'm just looking at
her going like, just man, you love them while they're here,
because one day they're not right.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
But now all that being said is it sounds like,
but the story's hysterical.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
The story is, yeah, I mean funny, it's my stupid family. Listen, listen,
every story about that I have in life is going
to be funny. I don't see. Life has tragedy. And
what's crazy is this is the this is the wildest part.
So yesterday my social media like part of my company
was like, hey, we should the story's really pop it off.
(10:11):
We should post pictures of Priscilla in a carousel.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
Just a celebrator. And I am such an idiot. I
swear to God. I swear to God.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I reached out and I was like, hey, guys, I
actually have the footage of her dying. And they're like what,
and I go, yeah, I scrabbed it from the nest
cam and I have the whole foodie of them putting
her down. And my wife's like, why would you do that?
And I was like, well, I was gonna grab a
picture of our last moments with her, and then I
was like, well, I don't have time to grow a picture.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
I'll just grab the whole video. So it's on my
phone of us killing.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
Our dog, of our dog going to the bathroom, on
the couch of the guy and me. I mean, the
whole video is on my phone and you can hear
me sobbing, crying walking my dog out of the living room.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
It is.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
And my wife's like, don't show that to anyone. That
is horrific that you would say that.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
All right, let me bounce around to a couple of
other things. Let me bounce around to a couple of
other things. I was watching the podcast with Matthew Brussard,
the recent one that you had.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
It was Matthew and Ari are on the are.
Speaker 4 (11:21):
On the podcast, right, and I like, Matthew, Matthew's great,
Matthew's been in here, Matthew opened for you on the road,
Matthew got you into Zin's like, Matthew has done all
of that. By the way, side note, tell me you're
not gonna get into ketamine brett or Berts, Yes me.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
No, no, no, no, don't worry, I'm not getting in
the ketamine.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Okay, good, good, good.
Speaker 4 (11:38):
So anyway, at some point during the podcast then I'm
laughing along and everything's going well, and Matthew and Ari
are betting about Ari peeing into that glass that's in
like where you're doing the podcast, and I'm laughing and
it's funny. Is it all gonna fit in the glass?
Is it not gonna fit in the glass? And it
fits in the glass beautifully, like it looks like a
(11:59):
like a like a white wine, like it really gets
in there.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Nice.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
What happens after that, though, Bert Jesus Christ Bert so So.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
My assistant Peter comes in and grabs the glass and
he's gonna pour it out. And as he's walking into
the bathroom port out, I go, Pete, how much to
drink it? And he says he says no, And I said,
hold on, I know there's a price point. I said
a million dollars And he goes, he has one for
a million dollars. Yeah, I probably drink it, And I
go what about? And out of the other room we
(12:33):
hear an unknown name. I don't I won't say who
it is is exact name, but we hear one of
the people that work on my show go, I'll do
it for a thousand dollars, Peter. The best moment is
my assistant Peter goes, hang on, we were just at
a million. We were degotiating to get a million. You
talk to a thousand, you never let any of.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
The work go into it. And he comes in and
he sits in between me and Ari.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Yes, and you can see it.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I told him, I said, I'll just give you a
thousand dollars. Ye don't do this.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Yeah, you told him, don't drink it. Don't drink it, dude.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
The best is, you know, we do our podcast in
a house, like I bought a house to do my
podcast in and it's thin walls. It's la You should
have heard the screams for the people watching downstairs, all
the women that work for me, because it's streaming live downstairs.
We know this guy. We've worked with this guy for
like ten years. He's not this guy. We do not
(13:30):
know why he's doing this. And he drinks risp for
one thousand dollars.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
But we're not done.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
We're not done.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
We're not done, Burt, We're not done.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Why what happened? Then?
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Okay, fast forward later in the episode, you piss in
the glass? I did, Yeah, you pissed in the glass,
and the podcast ends. It fades to black as you're
putting it up to your mouth, Drek, getting ready to
drink your own piss.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
No, what did you want? Shoot?
Speaker 3 (14:05):
No, wait, those sons that didn't. They edited it to
make it look like I drank my own pist.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
Well, I don't know, that's the answer I want.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
And it fades out YouTube right now? Did you know
they did that? They made it look like I drank
my own pea.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
At the end of that podcast, the guy that drinks
pea edits the podcast and he made it look like
I drank pea.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
The guy who drank the pea head it's the podcast,
and he made it look like I drank pea.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
He didn't want to go down with a ship by himself,
so he created he's a Holocaust denier.
Speaker 4 (14:43):
He's not.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
That is ridiculous. Yes, fades the black and it looks
like I drink pea? Are you being serious?
Speaker 1 (14:52):
I just want episodes.
Speaker 4 (14:53):
It's right up to your mouth at the end, you
piss in the glass, and right at the end it
literally fades to credits as you've got the glass right
up to your mouth. Because I I can't remember if
it's Matthew or Ari yells at you want why are you?
Why are you sniffing it? Don't smell it? Burt, Yeah,
hold on, Tyler, he's pulled it up right here. He
is you see Bert's peeing in the glass right there.
(15:15):
Fast forward a little bit and you will see Bert's
gonna Burt'll be sitting down.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Oh my god, I'm watching it right now.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
There it is.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
He's cheersing the camera, yep, and it's going to fade
as Burt.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Oh my god, Oh my god, oh my god. I
definitely didn't drink my own pea. Holy cow, holy cow,
were we drinking on that episode. I must have been drunk.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Yeah, you were drinking what is it? Apprisol's asparols. I
don't even know what that is.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
It makes it look like I drink my own pea.
That son of a bit. That's the guy that edits.
It is the one that drinks his own pea. And
he made it look like I drink.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
My own peace. Oh my god, that is hysterical. That
is hysterical. You know what.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Good on him, Good on him?
Speaker 4 (16:07):
All right, last thing on last thing, last thing, because
then I'm gonna run out of time.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
I'm gonna run out of time. But you know, this weekend,
this weekend, you're in.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
Vegas, right, You're at Resorts World in Vegas, and we
are we're bringing It's the show myself Diane, Tyler, Kristen
and let's call it thirty six other winners. We're all
going to Vegas this weekend, and as you know, we
have tickets.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
We're all coming to see you on on Saturday night.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
Now, I don't know what the rest of your weekend is,
and I'll text you and we'll figure out, like whether
we can hook up and stuff. I know you're very busy,
you got a special that's out and you're playing Vegas
and the whole thing. But Tyler and Kristin Bert have
never ever ever been to Vegas.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
No, I know, right? Are you serious? Yes? All right?
Speaker 3 (16:54):
So what's the big thing we can do for them
in Vegas? I mean, like, what the how to do
something epic in Vegas? If it's your first.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Time million dollars to drink? Are he's peaked?
Speaker 3 (17:06):
I can make it happen, you know. The crazy thing?
I wonder if I wonder when do you guys get there?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Uh, Friday?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
What time Friday? Earlier Friday?
Speaker 3 (17:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Early yeah, early enough, early, yeah, early enough on Friday.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
I wonder if they have power Slap this weekend. That's
pretty fun. Power slaps really fun and it's and there's
a lot of celebrities there. The real I mean, the
real thing would be to get to gamble with Dana
White like, but he gambles like like fifty thousand dollars
a hand.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
So Tyler has never gambled once in his life. He
won't play a slot machine.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh are you serious?
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Yes, Tyler, I have a thousand dollars with your name
on it. Okay, yeah, I have one thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
With your name on it.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
And I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now.
All I want is you to bet recklessly. We're gonna
go to Roulette. We're gonna start at Roulette, and then
we're gonna work our way to the craft. All right, dude,
that makes me so excited. I was gonna come home.
I was gonna come home early sat Sunday. Now I'm
scrapping it. I'm gonna stay all day Sunday and recover
(18:16):
from Saturday night.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
Can you imagine Tyler let loose at the Crab's table, Bert,
can you imagine, Oh.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
It's gonna be work, It's gonna happen. Let's really get loose, Tyler.
If I give you a thousand dollars, I'm gonna give
you a one thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
But you've got a bet recklessly.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
The only way you win is to go in their
forest Gump style and not care.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
That's the way you win.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
All right, So that we're gonna have to start putting together.
We will put all of that together. I'll start texting
you all right.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
Do you want me to get us a private You
want me to get us like a private room to
gamble in?
Speaker 4 (18:57):
Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yes, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Okay, all right, gets a private room.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
I'm gonna give us a private room to gamble in,
and we're gonna get and we're gonna go hard.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
I would love nothing more.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Here's the deal. You ready for this? Ready for this?
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Okay, I say we may go back, Tyler, tell me
if you're in. Okay, we each start with one thousand dollars.
I'll give you a thousand dollars. I'll take a thousand dollars,
and I'll bring my tatoo gun. Whoever whoever has the
most money at the end of the night gets to
tattoo on the others person whatever they want.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
I think I'd rather drink your piss.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
I make I do a very I do a very
tasteful version, the Native American version of a swastika. That's
the German one, the Native American one.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
All Right, Lucky is outstreaming now on Netflix.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Bert It's a home run. Really, it's great.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Thank you, say hell you, thank you, and thank you
in advance for everyone in the DC area that's always
given me love.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
And I appreciate you guys to death.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
But I'm very lucky as I as I sit in gratitude.
My luck is that me and you were in the
same stupid fraternity and you decided to have me on
your show, and you were like, you know what, I
had you on and they were like, he never has
any comments on and You're like, We're in the same fraternity.
And I'm so lucky I met you because you have
made me so much money.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
All Right, if you're gonna be in Vegas weather with us, well,
we already have our tickets or just on your own
this weekend double Down Friday and Saturday Night Burt's at
Resorts World in Vegas, The Permission to Party Tour November fourteenth,
CFG Bank Arena in Baltimore, November sixteenth, the Altree of
Theater in Richmond. Tickets are available through Bert Bert Burt
(20:51):
dot com. I'm sure we'll talk to you between now
in November and yeah, well we'll see you this weekend, Burt.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
I can't wait.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
I can't wait. Private room, Kyler.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
We're getting down, all right, Bert, talk to you soon, buddy.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
I love you guys all.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I love you too.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Later
How you guys doing.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I am doing great. How are you?
Speaker 1 (00:04):
I love that you played that song. You know.
Speaker 3 (00:06):
I met the Red clay Stres when they were like
right right about the pop, and as I was putting
out the Special, I was like, I want to use
that as as my intro song, and so I texted
the band in a group text. Now, the band is
a bunch of great kids from Alabama, most of them Christian,
just solid, but they have one wildfire and that's their drummer.
(00:28):
And I texted when everyone's like, it would be an honor,
you can use the song for free. Of course, this
is amazing, so excited for the special. And then the
drummer wrote, this is a hard note for me, dog, and.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
It sent me into a spiral.
Speaker 3 (00:44):
And I was like, wait, was that fact I should
have asked? I should have told them I'll give them money,
I said. And then and then Brandon, the lead singer,
text me and I go, I'm so sorry if I
offended you guys.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
He goes, no, he's an idiot. Of course you could
use our songs.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Bert.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
The Special is great, dude, The Special is fantastic.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
It's really really good.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Thank you man, Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (01:09):
I'm you're getting nervous with these things because it's like
it's like, you know, it's like giving birth to a kid.
You don't know if there's gonna be a school shooter
or not.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
You know, you know what the first thing is you
notice about in the special the two well, I should
say the first two things you notice? And Diana and
I were having this debate earlier. The outfit that you're wearing.
Are those silk pants? What kind of pants are those?
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Yeah, Oh, let's break down this outfit.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
So what I wanted was a Versace one piece outfit
of like like pants and shirt match and they're like,
it's too expensive. We'll just have one made and I
was like, okay, so we made it. There's silk, we
got the pattern out of Italy. It was I didn't
pay attention for the price point on the pattern. And
they're like, how many of these do you want? And
(01:56):
I was like, well, I'm doing six shows, so probably
one for every night, so let's make free and they're
like cool, and then they sent me the bill for
how much those outfits cost fifteen thousand dollars a pop.
And I was like, whoa, And they're not even comfortable,
like they're not and they're heavy, they don't breathe. It's
(02:17):
just like And then last night I did Kimmel and
they're like, hey, it would be great if we'd get
Gamo in one of those outfits, Like, oh yeah, I'll
send one over. And then they're like, yeah, he didn't fit.
We had to cut it apart and make it different
so it fit him. I was like, hold on, hold
on you you just cut up fifteen thousand dollars.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
And then the other thing, you notice, I love a
lot of people in that crowd birth they decided to
join you and not wearing shirts.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Bro, that is the coolest thing that's ever happed. Two
cool things have happened in my career. Is that shirt
taking off thing just took off. And when I'd get
on stage and dues take their shirt off and watch
the whole show shirtless and just stare at me, that
is the coolest. The other the coolest thing that ever
happened One time I was in Birmingham, England and uh
(03:05):
and for whatever reason, the crowd chanted like recited the
Machine story with me and I was like, whoa, Like
it was the creepiest thing to ever happen and I
would stop telling the story and they would keep it going.
And I was like, oh my god, dude, seen shirtless
men that don't belong shirtless makes me so happy.
Speaker 4 (03:26):
But I was gonna say, like, like, like like when
I when I saw you out at Merriweather right and
we were there it was a warm night, and like,
I get it, you're outside, people are in the lawn
or whatever. These people are inside at a theater knowing
that you're taping a special for Netflix, and they're like, yeah,
take them off, here we go.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Dude.
Speaker 3 (03:44):
It's my favorite thing. The first when I had a
secret time in Philly. Dudes, dudes, aggressive Eagles fans were
ripping their shirt off and left it off to the
whole show. And I'm like, guys, I guess this is
what it's like to watch me. I'm just staring at that.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
So a couple of things, and I don't want to
give much away from the special because I want obviously
I want everybody to watch the special, but a couple
of things that really stand out to me.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Dude, I got to tell you.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
When you start talking about your readers and seeing Leanne
and high Death, dude, lost it.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Bro it's gotten worse. I mean like I cannot. I can't.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I sometimes will take my readers off if we're fighting,
because I go, you know, I can't.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
I can't look at you like that you you get.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
And what's even worse is she I looked at myself
with readers and I was like, oh my god, how
much skin damage?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Do I have? Any of it?
Speaker 4 (04:41):
And then another part and bert you you know, like
I love I love comedy.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
I love stand up comedy. Am I the only one?
Speaker 4 (04:49):
And listen, I know it's only been out a day,
but if anybody has seen it, there's a part in
the special where you where you talk about how dumb
you are and what was going on where how dumb
you are? Am I the the only one that is like,
oh give me more hell and Keller jokes?
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Oh buddy, I have.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
My daughters have pointed out just how dumb I am.
They asked me what I thought the timeline, because we
were in Italy is the joke I think you're talking about?
And they and they were blown away that I didn't
know that Michael Angelo's name wasn't Michael Angelo? I said,
it was like like me, miss Angelo got Mikey down,
and and and then and then Ilah said to me, so, wait,
(05:30):
what what do you think the timeline of history is?
And I said, well, it goes dinosaurs than Jesus.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Right.
Speaker 3 (05:37):
She was like, she is you think that's all of history?
I go, well, you know it's Shakespeare's afk pretty much.
She was like he looked at me and he goes,
what about Mesopotamia? And I was like, I didn't know
who that is. I never heard of that guy. I
was like, they didn't teach his wope stuff when I
(05:58):
was a kid, that he thought about truth, dinosaurs and Jesus.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
And then let me ask you this.
Speaker 4 (06:07):
Let me ask you this, on a scale of one
to ten, ten being one hundred percent true and zero
being zero percent true, how true is that Snoop Dogg story?
Speaker 3 (06:19):
One hundred percent on? You know, you know it's crazy,
there's more to it. But what's crazy about it is
So I went to I went to a party and
Snoop was the DJ, like he was doing a set
and I was like, yo, I told Leanne, I go,
let's go hang out Snoop And.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
She was like, uh, she was like you know him
like that? And I was like, here, I know much.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
That's not what Leanne sounded like when she said that
to you.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
You don't know him. I was like, no, I do know.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
She goes, we don't talk to him, and I was
like yeah. So I went back. I yelled for his bodyguard.
I was like, yo, Papa, and he's like, Burt, come
on back. And so I told Snoop. I said, Yo,
I'm telling a story about you on stage. I may
put him special and I need permission. Now he's with
all his boys, right, I go, do you remember that
time I thought we were gonna shower? And he was like,
oh yeah, and all his boys pros Like, yo, dude,
(07:10):
what's this story about? The best part of that story
is we ended up in the shower just to see
if we sit. He's like, we don't even fit in here.
And I was like, He's like, how did you think
we were gonna fit in here? He's like if you
didn't even grab the snops.
Speaker 4 (07:29):
I was like, and then, and I'm sure, Bert, I'm
sure you've heard this, and I think this is an
accurate statement on my part. I don't know if I
have ever teared up during a comedy set, and I
don't mean teared up from laughing hard but teared up
from being emotional but also laughing at the same time.
(07:53):
I don't know if I've ever I definitely have never
teared up listening to a comic teller story on stage.
But I've never gone from like wiping a tear because
I'm I'm sad and laughing at the same time. The
story is great and you're telling of it is is unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Thank you so much. That is you know, it's so funny.
It was a little bit of a throwaway story.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Excited. I was like, I don't know what. I don't think.
This isn't like good for comedy. It's like it's people
get emotional. I'd tell it, and.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
I would I would see dudes like heaving, like like
doubled over, and I was like, but I can't hear them.
And I didn't realize dudes in the crowd were crying
and women loved it so like my husband hasn't cried
like that. We just put our dog down. And I
was like, and so I was like, I don't know
if I'm gonna tell the story, and so many people
are like, yo, you gotta tell that story, you gotta
tell that story. But I couldn't tell it. Here's the
(08:44):
other thing that was weird. I couldn't tell it every
night because it would bother me, like it would have
hurt me. I get emotional on the story and uh.
And then my girls heard me tell it at the forum.
Both my girls are like, you know, most of your
stuff sucks, Dad, but like that's really good. They're like
you really, you really, that's a great story, and so
(09:06):
uh and that's been the takeaway. I'm like, that's the
one bit that's jumped out that everyone like. I mean, yesterday,
the special have been out for like three hours and
news article someone wrote an article about it, and uh.
People are sending me pictures of them watching the story
or their husband's watching the story on Instagram, and I'm
posting all of them like.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
It is like, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
I think that's also the part of you know, getting
old is like your emotions. You realize how how kind
of finite life is, and you realize that through the
life of your dogs. My one dogs sitting out here
with me right now, uh, and I'm just looking at
her going like, just man, you love them while they're here,
because one day they're not right.
Speaker 4 (09:46):
But now all that being said is it sounds like,
but the story's hysterical.
Speaker 3 (09:51):
The story is, yeah, I mean funny, it's my stupid family. Listen, listen,
every story about that I have in life is going
to be funny. I don't see. Life has tragedy. And
what's crazy is this is the this is the wildest part.
So yesterday my social media like part of my company
was like, hey, we should the story's really pop it off.
(10:11):
We should post pictures of Priscilla in a carousel.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
Just a celebrator. And I am such an idiot. I
swear to God. I swear to God.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I reached out and I was like, hey, guys, I
actually have the footage of her dying. And they're like what,
and I go, yeah, I scrabbed it from the nest
cam and I have the whole foodie of them putting
her down. And my wife's like, why would you do that?
And I was like, well, I was gonna grab a
picture of our last moments with her, and then I
was like, well, I don't have time to grow a picture.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
I'll just grab the whole video. So it's on my
phone of us killing.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
Our dog, of our dog going to the bathroom, on
the couch of the guy and me. I mean, the
whole video is on my phone and you can hear
me sobbing, crying walking my dog out of the living room.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
It is.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
And my wife's like, don't show that to anyone. That
is horrific that you would say that.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
All right, let me bounce around to a couple of
other things. Let me bounce around to a couple of
other things. I was watching the podcast with Matthew Brussard,
the recent one that you had.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
It was Matthew and Ari are on the are.
Speaker 4 (11:21):
On the podcast, right, and I like, Matthew, Matthew's great,
Matthew's been in here, Matthew opened for you on the road,
Matthew got you into Zin's like, Matthew has done all
of that. By the way, side note, tell me you're
not gonna get into ketamine brett or Berts, Yes me.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
No, no, no, no, don't worry, I'm not getting in
the ketamine.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Okay, good, good, good.
Speaker 4 (11:38):
So anyway, at some point during the podcast then I'm
laughing along and everything's going well, and Matthew and Ari
are betting about Ari peeing into that glass that's in
like where you're doing the podcast, and I'm laughing and
it's funny. Is it all gonna fit in the glass?
Is it not gonna fit in the glass? And it
fits in the glass beautifully, like it looks like a
(11:59):
like a like a white wine, like it really gets
in there.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Nice.
Speaker 4 (12:04):
What happens after that, though, Bert Jesus Christ Bert so So.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
My assistant Peter comes in and grabs the glass and
he's gonna pour it out. And as he's walking into
the bathroom port out, I go, Pete, how much to
drink it? And he says he says no, And I said,
hold on, I know there's a price point. I said
a million dollars And he goes, he has one for
a million dollars. Yeah, I probably drink it, And I
go what about? And out of the other room we
(12:33):
hear an unknown name. I don't I won't say who
it is is exact name, but we hear one of
the people that work on my show go, I'll do
it for a thousand dollars, Peter. The best moment is
my assistant Peter goes, hang on, we were just at
a million. We were degotiating to get a million. You
talk to a thousand, you never let any of.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
The work go into it. And he comes in and
he sits in between me and Ari.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Yes, and you can see it.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
I told him, I said, I'll just give you a
thousand dollars. Ye don't do this.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Yeah, you told him, don't drink it. Don't drink it, dude.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
The best is, you know, we do our podcast in
a house, like I bought a house to do my
podcast in and it's thin walls. It's la You should
have heard the screams for the people watching downstairs, all
the women that work for me, because it's streaming live downstairs.
We know this guy. We've worked with this guy for
like ten years. He's not this guy. We do not
(13:30):
know why he's doing this. And he drinks risp for
one thousand dollars.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
But we're not done.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
We're not done.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
We're not done, Burt, We're not done.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Why what happened? Then?
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Okay, fast forward later in the episode, you piss in
the glass? I did, Yeah, you pissed in the glass,
and the podcast ends. It fades to black as you're
putting it up to your mouth, Drek, getting ready to
drink your own piss.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
No, what did you want? Shoot?
Speaker 3 (14:05):
No, wait, those sons that didn't. They edited it to
make it look like I drank my own pist.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
Well, I don't know, that's the answer I want.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
And it fades out YouTube right now? Did you know
they did that? They made it look like I drank
my own pea.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
At the end of that podcast, the guy that drinks
pea edits the podcast and he made it look like
I drank pea.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
The guy who drank the pea head it's the podcast,
and he made it look like I drank pea.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
He didn't want to go down with a ship by himself,
so he created he's a Holocaust denier.
Speaker 4 (14:43):
He's not.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
That is ridiculous. Yes, fades the black and it looks
like I drink pea? Are you being serious?
Speaker 1 (14:52):
I just want episodes.
Speaker 4 (14:53):
It's right up to your mouth at the end, you
piss in the glass, and right at the end it
literally fades to credits as you've got the glass right
up to your mouth. Because I I can't remember if
it's Matthew or Ari yells at you want why are you?
Why are you sniffing it? Don't smell it? Burt, Yeah,
hold on, Tyler, he's pulled it up right here. He
is you see Bert's peeing in the glass right there.
(15:15):
Fast forward a little bit and you will see Bert's
gonna Burt'll be sitting down.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Oh my god, I'm watching it right now.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
There it is.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
He's cheersing the camera, yep, and it's going to fade
as Burt.
Speaker 3 (15:30):
Oh my god, Oh my god, oh my god. I
definitely didn't drink my own pea. Holy cow, holy cow,
were we drinking on that episode. I must have been drunk.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Yeah, you were drinking what is it? Apprisol's asparols. I
don't even know what that is.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
It makes it look like I drink my own pea.
That son of a bit. That's the guy that edits.
It is the one that drinks his own pea. And
he made it look like I drink.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
My own peace. Oh my god, that is hysterical. That
is hysterical. You know what.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Good on him, Good on him?
Speaker 4 (16:07):
All right, last thing on last thing, last thing, because
then I'm gonna run out of time.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
I'm gonna run out of time. But you know, this weekend,
this weekend, you're in.
Speaker 4 (16:14):
Vegas, right, You're at Resorts World in Vegas, and we
are we're bringing It's the show myself Diane, Tyler, Kristen
and let's call it thirty six other winners. We're all
going to Vegas this weekend, and as you know, we
have tickets.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
We're all coming to see you on on Saturday night.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
Now, I don't know what the rest of your weekend is,
and I'll text you and we'll figure out, like whether
we can hook up and stuff. I know you're very busy,
you got a special that's out and you're playing Vegas
and the whole thing. But Tyler and Kristin Bert have
never ever ever been to Vegas.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
No, I know, right? Are you serious? Yes? All right?
Speaker 3 (16:54):
So what's the big thing we can do for them
in Vegas? I mean, like, what the how to do
something epic in Vegas? If it's your first.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Time million dollars to drink? Are he's peaked?
Speaker 3 (17:06):
I can make it happen, you know. The crazy thing?
I wonder if I wonder when do you guys get there?
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Uh, Friday?
Speaker 1 (17:16):
What time Friday? Earlier Friday?
Speaker 3 (17:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Early yeah, early enough, early, yeah, early enough on Friday.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
I wonder if they have power Slap this weekend. That's
pretty fun. Power slaps really fun and it's and there's
a lot of celebrities there. The real I mean, the
real thing would be to get to gamble with Dana
White like, but he gambles like like fifty thousand dollars
a hand.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
So Tyler has never gambled once in his life. He
won't play a slot machine.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Oh are you serious?
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Yes, Tyler, I have a thousand dollars with your name
on it. Okay, yeah, I have one thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
With your name on it.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
And I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now.
All I want is you to bet recklessly. We're gonna
go to Roulette. We're gonna start at Roulette, and then
we're gonna work our way to the craft. All right, dude,
that makes me so excited. I was gonna come home.
I was gonna come home early sat Sunday. Now I'm
scrapping it. I'm gonna stay all day Sunday and recover
(18:16):
from Saturday night.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
Can you imagine Tyler let loose at the Crab's table, Bert,
can you imagine, Oh.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
It's gonna be work, It's gonna happen. Let's really get loose, Tyler.
If I give you a thousand dollars, I'm gonna give
you a one thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
But you've got a bet recklessly.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
The only way you win is to go in their
forest Gump style and not care.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
That's the way you win.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
All right, So that we're gonna have to start putting together.
We will put all of that together. I'll start texting
you all right.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
Do you want me to get us a private You
want me to get us like a private room to
gamble in?
Speaker 4 (18:57):
Oh my god?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Yes, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Okay, all right, gets a private room.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
I'm gonna give us a private room to gamble in,
and we're gonna get and we're gonna go hard.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
I would love nothing more.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Here's the deal. You ready for this? Ready for this?
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Okay, I say we may go back, Tyler, tell me
if you're in. Okay, we each start with one thousand dollars.
I'll give you a thousand dollars. I'll take a thousand dollars,
and I'll bring my tatoo gun. Whoever whoever has the
most money at the end of the night gets to
tattoo on the others person whatever they want.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
I think I'd rather drink your piss.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
I make I do a very I do a very
tasteful version, the Native American version of a swastika. That's
the German one, the Native American one.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
All Right, Lucky is outstreaming now on Netflix.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Bert It's a home run. Really, it's great.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Thank you, say hell you, thank you, and thank you
in advance for everyone in the DC area that's always
given me love.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
And I appreciate you guys to death.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
But I'm very lucky as I as I sit in gratitude.
My luck is that me and you were in the
same stupid fraternity and you decided to have me on
your show, and you were like, you know what, I
had you on and they were like, he never has
any comments on and You're like, We're in the same fraternity.
And I'm so lucky I met you because you have
made me so much money.
Speaker 4 (20:31):
All Right, if you're gonna be in Vegas weather with us, well,
we already have our tickets or just on your own
this weekend double Down Friday and Saturday Night Burt's at
Resorts World in Vegas, The Permission to Party Tour November fourteenth,
CFG Bank Arena in Baltimore, November sixteenth, the Altree of
Theater in Richmond. Tickets are available through Bert Bert Burt
(20:51):
dot com. I'm sure we'll talk to you between now
in November and yeah, well we'll see you this weekend, Burt.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
I can't wait.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
I can't wait. Private room, Kyler.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
We're getting down, all right, Bert, talk to you soon, buddy.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
I love you guys all.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I love you too.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Later
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