What's Going On Spotlight: Megan, a Women Against Abuse Profile in Courage

I speak with  Megan, a survivor of domestic abuse who has shown immense courage in sharing her story. Megan’s journey is a powerful example of the complexities many survivors face, often in silence. Recently, she attended iPledge, an event sponsored by Women Against Abuse that inspired her to become more involved in raising awareness and helping others. Her story is not just about the physical aspect of abuse but also the emotional, mental, and psychological trauma that often goes unnoticed. Megan’s experiences shed light on the hidden forms of abuse, and she hopes to make a difference by sharing her journey with us today.  

https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/
If you or someone you know needs help, call the toll-free 24-hour Hotline: [phone]  
https://www.theladywholaughs.com/

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm Lorraine Valor. Tomorrow. Today I have the honor of
speaking with Megan, a survivor of domestic abuse who's shown
immense courage and sharing her story. Megan's journey is a
powerful example of the complexities many survivors face, often in silence. Recently,
she attended I Pledge sponsored by Women Against Abuse, an
event that inspired her to become more involved in raising

(00:20):
awareness and helping others. Her story is not just about
the physical aspect of abuse, but also the emotional, mental,
and psychological trauma that often goes unnoticed. Megan's experiences shed
light on the hidden forms of abuse, and she hopes
to make a difference by sharing her journey with us today.
So thank you so much for joining us, Thank you
so much for having me. Well, you've been very open

(00:43):
about sharing your story, and you mention a pivotal moment
in the courtroom when the judge asked did he hit you?
Can you talk about how that moment felt for you
and what was being overlooked?

Speaker 2 (00:56):
Sure?

Speaker 1 (00:56):
So.

Speaker 2 (00:58):
The very first time I interupt acted with the court
system was when I had to get a temporary restraining
order and my youngest was four months old and was
literally like strapped in an infant carrier on my chest.
It's never something you planned to do. It just happened.
And I was standing there asking for a restraining order

(01:20):
against my children's father because I was concerned he was
going to take the children. It had just recently come
out that he had a significant substance abuse problem, and
he had started threatening me that I couldn't keep him
from the children and that he wasn't going to let
that happen. So I had been advised by my local
child services to seek some restraints to protect me and

(01:42):
the kids. And I went through this whole process of
explaining the story to someone behind the scenes so that
I could wessit formally in front of the judge. So
I'd already been through what had happened at home, the screaming,
the holes in the walls, the threats that he was
going to leave me, furniture, you know, everything that he
had done, and then the most recent threat that I

(02:05):
wouldn't be allowed, he wouldn't let me do this to him.
And the judge hemmed and had about if my complaint
or my concern was valid, because I couldn't say that
he'd hit me because he never actually had physically hit me.
There was one time where he almost did. I was

(02:28):
about eight months pregnant with our second son, and I
didn't know at the time about the substance abuse problem,
and I had made a joke about is something wrong,
do you need to go to rehab? Just trying to
figure out, like to explain to him the gravity of
what I was seeing in his emotions and how quickly
he got angry and violent and he raised his hand

(02:50):
as if he was going to hit me, and I
said to him, go ahead, like hit me, do something
that will leave a mark, and he stuck. And he
was so angry. I mean when I his face, it
was that the only way I can describe it is

(03:11):
that like angry gorilla where you can see like their
nostrils flaring and their eyes are just on fire. And
he was so angry. And that was as close as
it had ever gotten. But I wasn't going to lie
to the judge and say that something had happened. That happened,

(03:32):
But it was like everything else didn't matter. And it
completely floored me because he kept saying, are you sure
there isn't anything else? Are you sure there isn't anything else?
You want to share, and I was like, this, this
is not enough. You know, like he's so he.

Speaker 1 (03:50):
Didn't really acknowledge the fact that abuse was happening, because
you couldn't say that he had physically hit you, but
in fact, there was a lot of abuse that was happen,
hapening emotionally correct.

Speaker 2 (04:02):
And it was so interesting because when I had to
go back a couple months later and we had the
follow up to move the restraining order into the divorce proceedings,
they gave me the power and control wheel. I had
to meet it with someone for counseling, and they showed
me the power and control wheel, and that was when
I realized, really realized everything that had been happening to

(04:27):
me when it talked about, you know, controlling who you
see and what you do, and using violence, using threats,
you know, breaking things, using male privilege. You know, he
happens to be a man, but I know there's a
similar one for other relationships like it. Just it was
so interesting to me, the dichotomy because it was like,

(04:49):
here is this person who is counseling me, Are you
sure you want to take this restraining order back? Because
look at all of these things that had been happening
to me. But meanwhile, we judge almost didn't give it
to me because those other things weren't being taken into
consideration because I never had a bruise.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah. Well, you've been very open about the emotional abuse,
the gas lighting, the forced intimacy that you endured, which
many people might not recognize as abuse. How did you
come to terms with those forms of abuse and what
helped you find your voice to speak about them?

Speaker 2 (05:22):
So, I'm not gonna lie. I've been in therapy for
two years now. I had a major panic attack and
what should have been a very relaxing vacation and realized
I needed to do something to help myself, and therapy
was definitely the biggest thing for me. I had to
I had to come to terms with the guilt that

(05:45):
I actually felt about staying. I had to come to
terms with the guilt that I felt for letting it
happen to me. It's interesting because when it first started
coming out, and I started it with some of my
colleagues at work, and they were like you, like, what
are you talking about? You are so outspoken, like you

(06:06):
don't you don't take anything from anybody, And I was like, well,
apparently I do. I just I didn't know. And one
of the things that has really been a struggle for
me is how much I really did love my ex husband.
And you know, I've shared this as part of my story.
I would have stayed, and I understand why people stay.

(06:30):
I loved him very much.

Speaker 1 (06:32):
Yeah, you talk about how you loved him and you
had great moments. You had good moments with your ex husband,
which of course makes leaving more difficult, right, it does.

Speaker 2 (06:42):
Because it is such a it is such it's such
a dichotomy. I I mean, like I he had this
wonderful imagination, just absolutely wonderful, and he would play with
our He didn't really get to play with our youngest,
but with our oldest son. He would. They were big
Star Wars people, and Michael could use the force, my

(07:05):
younger one. He could use the force and throw his
dad across the room and his dad will completely go
along with it and like to see that interaction. And
they would sit together and watch Transformers and you know,
like they just the absolute love. Or like if I
was out late, you know, like I would come home
sometimes after teaching a course after work, and you know,

(07:28):
he'd have like ice cream or would be like okay,
you know, like I ran the bath, here you go.
You know, there were there were wonderful moments, and you
love that person, like I remember seeing this light in
him that I was like, if you could just be
that all the time, this would be amazing. And if
I could just love him enough, he will get better

(07:50):
and this will stop. And this was a hard one
that I didn't really I still struggle with it as
a mom, especially but Narron on one of the first
support groups that I went to, they talk a lot
about how you can't make yourself sick enough to make
your loved one better, and really coming to terms with

(08:12):
that for my ex husband was really hard for me
because he did wind up passing away, and there is
still a part of me that feels like, maybe if
I had stayed, it would have gone differently and that
wouldn't have happened, and he could have been that person
that I know was in there, but I walked away

(08:33):
and it didn't happen, and dealing with that guilt still.

Speaker 1 (08:37):
Comes up right right, So you're still working through some
of those emotions. And one thing that I've heard from
a number of women who've experienced this kind of abuse
is taking the responsibility for the abuse in a sense,
you know, sort of blaming oneself, and so I guess

(08:59):
a little bit of self forgiveness. It has to be
a process, right for those who are experiencing this situation.

Speaker 2 (09:06):
It is. It's a process, and it's hard because everyone
tells you it's not your fault and you didn't deserve it. It's
really hard to believe that. I talk a lot with
my therapist about I know it in my head, but
in my heart, I'm still working on it because you know,

(09:29):
there are lots of I was with my ex husband
for seventeen years, and to think that you could just
undo that really quickly. I was recently asked a question.
I was filling out a survey to tell my story,
and the question was about, you know, how is your
life different now that you're safe? And I was like,

(09:50):
safe is such an interesting word, because even though I'm
technically safe, I'm divorced, he has passed away. My body
doesn't always feel safe because it's always there. It's trauma
and it doesn't fully go away. You just kind of
learn to recognize it and say, okay, that's mine. I

(10:11):
need to breathe. I need to do some form of
self care. I need to do something to work myself
through that so that it doesn't come out in other
really bad ways. And it's I think it's a lifetime process.
I don't think it just stops because you're no longer
in the relationship.

Speaker 1 (10:31):
Right well, one of the things that I also observed
among women that I've met through Women Against Abuse is
how advocacy is really part of that healing process. And
you recently attended I Pledge and expressed a desire to
get more involved with advocacy. I wonder what does that
involvement look like for you, and what message do you

(10:51):
hope to share with others who might still be in
a situation like yours.

Speaker 2 (10:55):
So I Pledge was fantastic. I think it was their
twenty seventh or twenty eighth one. They've been doing for
a really long time, and I kind of felt bad
that I've missed so many of them, but I was
really glad to get to this last one. And for me,
advocacy wound up being a huge thing that I felt
like I had to do. It took me almost a
year before I started actually speaking about it, and the

(11:17):
reason is because I was so scared. I was so
scared to talk about it. I didn't even know what
was happening because I just didn't know any better. And
I know that isolation and some of it is because
we don't talk about it. It's the stuff that we

(11:38):
just keep in the dark. So I actually I'm working
on a book right now about it, to share the
story and to help others just not be afraid to
reach out. Because one of the things I've been very
lucky with is that every time I've reached out to someone,
they've met me with open arms and that you really
will be surprised. I think that's my message, Like, if

(12:00):
you reach out to your friends, if you reach out
to your family, and you are very honest about what's
going on, they will surprise you. And I mean, like,
I remember my best friend. I didn't even want to
tell her what was happening at first because I didn't
want her to think badly of my ex husband. And
when it all finally came out, she had come over

(12:23):
and she brought me tea because she's just an amazing person,
and I told her and she just broke down in
tears and she I gave her this huge hug because
I was. I don't know if it's numb, but at
that point I just couldn't cry. And I remember her
pulling away and going like, why am I crying? You're

(12:45):
the one who's supposed to be crying, Like why is
this happening to you? You're an amazing person, Like this
is so backwards. And she asked me what I needed,
and at the time I couldn't think of anything. And
literally three days later, just trays of food that she
told her husband, You're going to cook these because I
don't know what else to do to help. My friend
showed up and she probably fed me and my two

(13:07):
children for months with the amount of food that she
sent over. And like I didn't ask, she just did.
And you know, that was my biggest thing. Was a
lot of times I didn't ask. It was just people went,
oh my goodness.

Speaker 1 (13:22):
You know.

Speaker 2 (13:22):
When I had to, I just saw the family home
and it was very challenging because it was a full
house and my ex wasn't there. But I had to
pack everything up that was his and leave it someplace,
and the all of the people that I work with
actually came in on the weekend I was moving and

(13:43):
packed up my house, moved some of it to storage,
moved some of it to my dad's house where we
were moving too. Like, people will amaze you if you
are open and honest, and if they don't, then they
shouldn't be in your life anyway. Like I'm just going
to say that, but overwhelmingly people will be there to

(14:05):
support you and if you open up. I have found this.
The more I tell my story, the more people come
up to me and say me too, Like, you really
will discover how unalone you are. I had the privilege
of sharing some of this story at an event in
New York a couple of weeks ago, and it was
maybe thirty six people, and of that I was one

(14:29):
of those thirty six people. And of that, three people
came up and said thank you so much, because me too.
Like the statistics are overwhelming, Like, you are not alone.
It's okay to ask for help. What makes this so
bad is we hide it and we're so terrified that
people are going to think badly of us, and that's

(14:49):
not what's going to happen. People will help you if
you ask for it.

Speaker 1 (14:54):
That's a wonderful message because so often the dynamics of
be is about isolating you from your friends and family,
and so the fact that you were able to express
it and share it, it's what a beautiful story that
all these people came to your support and it was

(15:15):
a wonderful lesson too that, yeah, you can ask for
help and people will come and meet you halfway. Well.
I want to thank you so much for spending time
with us and sharing your story. It's a powerful story.
Hopefully there's someone out there who's listening and who understands
that maybe now is the time to take a stand
and to get help, and that help can come from

(15:37):
calling the Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline. That number is eight
sixty six seven two three three zero one four. That's
eight sixty six seven three zero one four, And there
are counselors there twenty four hours a day. They can
provide support, resources, a safety plan, an escape plan, perhaps

(15:58):
a place to stay you need one. It's absolutely a
fantastic number to call for anyone out there who needs
help getting out of an abusive situation. And it sounds
like you are thriving your stand up comedian.

Speaker 2 (16:12):
Yeah, on the side, it's been a really wonderful journey.
I love it.

Speaker 1 (16:16):
That's so great.

Speaker 2 (16:17):
This is not funny, but being a mom and I
did get remarried, so I now have four boys. I
have a lot of material now to joke about.

Speaker 1 (16:29):
Yes, I have three boys, So I feel you plenty
of my charities. Well listen, if people want to find
out more about your stand up work. Do you have
a website?

Speaker 2 (16:42):
Oh? I do the Lady Who Laughs dot com. I
host a monthly mic for women. It is female focused
in Flemington, New Jersey. It's the second Sunday of every month.
What I really love is is a lot of first
timers who get to come out and try it because
humor is to me very healing because it allows a
connection with other people. So yeah, it's been a really

(17:03):
wonderful healing journey for me.

Speaker 1 (17:05):
That is wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That's exciting.
I'd be terrified to do that. So that takes a
lot of bravery on your part. So you are very
brave and very eloquent, and thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for being an advocate for women against abuse,
and folks out there, call that hotline if you need

(17:26):
the help. It's there. Eight sixty six seven two three
three oh one four. The Philadelphia domestic Violence hotline and
of course Women Against Abuse is a great one stop
shop for more information and we hope that folks are
hearing your message and are helped by it. I'm sure
they are. Thank you so much, Megan for joining us today.

Speaker 2 (17:44):
Thank you for having me