Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Thank you for joining me. I'm Rabbi David Lyayon from
Congregation meth Israel in Houston. In the regular cycle of
tour reading, we open to the Book of Exodus in
chapter twenty. If you are not familiar with what we
find in Exodus chapter twenty, then I'm happy to tell
you that we find the Ten Commandments. Although they also
(00:21):
appear in a slightly different version in the Book of Deuteronomy,
the first and most important appearance of them is here
in Exodus chapter twenty. The people are assembled, that people
are waiting to receive the ten Commandments. I could speak
about all ten if I had the time, but in
the limited time that I have, I want to bring
(00:42):
your attention to the fifth commandment, the one that says
in English, simply honor your father and your mother, that
you may long endure in the land that the Lord
your God is assigning to you. That's a translation. But
if we look closely at some of the Hebrew, we
also come to underst and more of what we need
to know, especially because relationships between children and parents, between
(01:07):
parents and children grows and changes, It evolves as it should,
because we aren't always children in relationship to our parents,
we become adults as we should, and the relationship can
change as it ought to, from children to parent to
adult friends. Perhaps, But even when there is tension between us,
(01:31):
this commandment can still guide us to do what we
should and what we ought to because in the course
of the entire tour, where we find six hundred and
thirteen commandments or its vote good deeds, some of which
we can't perform anymore because the circumstances don't exist any
longer in our contemporary times. Nevertheless, there is something to
(01:53):
learn from each commandment. It's not a suggestion, it's a commandment.
So the question really becomes, how do we feel commanded
to observe to live by this teaching honor your father
and your mother. First of all, we have to identify
and recognize that it doesn't say honor your mother and father.
(02:14):
Father comes first. Why. The rabbis of old suggested that
the natural relationship we have is with mother, because she
gives birth to us. She was traditionally the one at
home really to rear us in every way, to nourish us,
to discipline us, to raise us upright in a traditional way.
(02:36):
Though many formats continue to exist today and they are
thriving and serve children very well. But that is why
father comes first, because sometimes in a more traditional setting,
time and attention needed to be set for the relationship
we would have for father. But the word honor is
the one that is the most complex, the most confounding.
(02:59):
It has really led to a lot of issues and
challenges for children, especially who whether they have a wonderful
relationship or not with their parents. The word honor can
be confusing, so let's consider what it is in Hebrew.
And Hebrew the word is kabad and kabab does mean honor.
It certainly does, but it can also mean to give
(03:21):
weight to and when we give weight to something, it
means we pay it respect. We give it that the
honor and respect it is due, whether we like it
or not. So let me give you a couple of
examples of the way we practice and put this word
honor into use. Very often, when I sit down with
(03:43):
a young couple ready to get married, I'll identify this
commandment is one that we need to consider because the
primary love relationship between a young couple is no longer
between each individual and his or her parents, but rather
between each other, and that orient to each other is
primary critical to the future success of that relationship. In
(04:06):
that marriage, If parents interfere, then it can create problems agitation,
leading to all kinds of issues. And since the divorce
ray continues to hover around fifty percent even since the
nineteen seventies, we have to do all that we can
to be sure that a young couple has every advantage
(04:26):
to have a wonderful marriage. So honor your parents. Well
a long time ago, as I often say to young couples, children,
honor their parents. Whatever they said, they often had to do,
and if they didn't, they were negative consequences. If they did,
they were positive consequences, and they learned right from wrong
(04:46):
rather quickly if they were smart enough to do it.
So honor led us to imagine and to continue to
believe that we had to bend over backwards. We had
to listen to everything our parents said, and if we didn't,
then we've had that shame and guilt that we felt
terrible about violating or opposing our parents. But that's an
unnatural and immature feeling, especially as we grow to be
(05:09):
young adults and find our own way and settle into
a relationship with a partner for life. But since we're
not able to just erase, delete, or ignore a mitzvah
in the Torah, we have to make sense of what
to do with this fifth commandment. So here's my suggestion
and recommendation. It is to say that honoring parents doesn't
(05:32):
mean bending over backwards anymore. It doesn't mean only listening
to what they command you. But it is about cobayed,
giving respect, giving weight to what somebody has to say,
and if they remain even mildly important in your life,
then we owe them some courtesy and respect. And here's
(05:52):
how it sounds when parents say to you, you'll come
to our house every Sunday for brunch. Here's what you
should do for your home. You should decorate it this way.
This is the house you should buy. Here's how you
should raise the children. Here's what you ought to do,
you know the drill. The first thing to say to
anyone who says that is thank you, not because you're
(06:15):
so grateful for their obnoxious or imposing advice, but because
it relates to the word kabayed, to honor, to give respect,
to give weight to, especially if they're your father or mother.
Thank you for that advice. Thank you for thinking so
considerably about our issues. And then no young person, young
(06:38):
adult married couple owes a parent an answer in the moment,
in the heat of the exchange. Rather, thank you. We
will take that advice to heart and give some thought
to what you have to say, But at the end
of the day or when you reply to them, you
owe them no answer that completely agrees with them. Thank
(07:03):
you for your advice, Thank you for your consideration. We've
given it some thought, and here's what we're going to do,
or you don't have to let them know what you're
going to do at all. It's within the bounds of
your own relationship and marriage, which is set apart from
all other relationships, including theirs. Remember, your parents had the
privilege to make their own choices too, and they had
(07:25):
the privilege to listen to their parents, your grandparents if
they wanted to. But my urging message today is to
tell you that kabad at da vida veti mecha honor
your father and mother only comes with the obligation to
be courteous and respectful. Thank you for your advice, and
here's what we're going to do now. It comes with
(07:47):
a certain consequence too. As I say to couples who
are preparing for marriage. Your parents might very well be
aggravated with you, But ask yourself the question, did you
aggravate your parents when you were teenagers? I already know
the answer because I did too. Of course you did.
But did they ever stop loving you? Absolutely not, and
(08:09):
they won't stop loving you now. But you have to
prepare to orient yourself to each other and not to
your parents as the primary love relationship. And if you do,
then you'll find within yourselves and together the power and
ability to say to parents, thank you for all of
your good advice, thank you for your love for us
(08:31):
and our children, our home, whatever it might be, and
then without guilt, to make the adult, mature decisions that
you should. Will parents be aggravated, they might be. For
young couples, I often tell them that it takes at
least six months to train up parents. Now, if you're
the first ones to be married in your family circle,
(08:52):
then you have the obligation to train up your parents
and help them learn and grow these skills. But if
you're not the first ones to be married, and your
older siblings already did it for you, then you will
have an easier way. But the reality is that any
adult figure in your life might play a role of
parent or supervisor or authority. Consider how the idea of
(09:16):
honoring them may break down some of the impass or
the difficult conversations that you think are going to happen
or will happen. The word thank you is extraordinarily powerful.
It lowers the temperature, It lowers the barrier to understanding.
If someone says something to you that you oppose, thank
(09:36):
you for your opinion, thank you for sharing what is
important to you and not but and I will give
it a lot of thought. And that gives you the
room and the space to listen to what they have
to say and then make one's own decision thoughtfully. In
this era of incivility, of polarization, of aggravation with each other,
(10:02):
talking in hush tones around subjects that used to be
openly talked about but today have to be spoken more
quietly and confidentially, respect can still lead the way, I
believe it. Saying thank you and please is still an
opening that can lead to a more civilized conversation and
(10:24):
greater understanding. But between you and others and especially parents,
the idea that you have to bend over backwards and
honor everything they have to say, because they are parents,
begins to fade away as soon as you leave for college,
take your first job and have a boss and supervisor,
and especially when you get married. When the door closes
(10:46):
at the end of the day, it is your home,
It is your apartment, your condo, your place. To do
with it what you like, because remember, they did what
they wanted to, and you have every right to do it. Now,
why do I say it was such confidence, because there's
another teaching in the tour that came earlier in the
Book of Genesis chapter two, that says a young person
(11:07):
in effect, should find a partner in life cleave to
that person leaving their parents home. That's a loose translation,
but it means we are inclined by nature, a natural
urge in us to find a partner in life and
to make our way with that person. So it suggests
(11:28):
already that there's going to be tension between that mitzvah
to find a life partner and the mitzvah to honor parents.
But the Rabbies dealt with it by saying, the future
is with your life partner. Parents are in effect done
with us, except for the relationship that continues to exist,
but the teachings, the lessons and everything else, most of
(11:51):
that fades away as we make our way into adult
life and find our own ways, our own pathways with
another partner to share a life life with, and parents
need to find their own way with each other too.
The truth is that if they continued to develop their
own marriage, then when children leave the home and they
(12:11):
become empty nesters, they can look at each other and say, Aha,
here's my dear friend I haven't seen in a while,
and we finally a private time in our own home
without everybody running around. But if they haven't invested in
their own relationship and suddenly they become empty nesters, they
may look at each other and say, who are you?
We haven't developed our own marriage and our own relationship,
(12:33):
and that's when they struggle more than ever. But remember,
you are reared to leave your parents home and to
find that partner with whom you can find so much
love and so much happiness. I'm Rabbi David Lyon from
Congregation Meth Israel in Houston. To listen again or to
share this message, please find it at my podcast called
(12:56):
Heart to Heart with a Rabbi David Lyon. At Sonny
ninety nine dot com on the iHeartRadio app. As many
people are celebrating Valentine's Day a day of love, it
is a Christian holiday, So what do we do in
the Jewish world. We have a holiday called Tuba ofve
that comes later in the year. But as my wife
(13:18):
has come to know, and she still laughs with me,
I call it Valenstein's Day has kind of a Jewish
ring to it. We don't deny the opportunity to express
our love to each other and to our children, and
we also appreciate that all of us could use a
little more love these days than the contrary emotion and
(13:40):
feeling that many of us are walking around with. And
to our children. We have followed the Mitzvah and the
rules and teachings that I've shared with you. We have
given our children what we call roots and wings. They
know their heritage and their culture, but we don't interfere
with their choices. And if we do, sometimes they've used
(14:02):
my lesson with me and said, thanks, Dad, we'll certainly
keep that in mind. And I know what they're doing,
and I'm proud that they are, because ultimately I have
no say what goes on behind their doors, and so
far from what I see, everything is quite acceptable. Lots
of room for air, lots of room for growing and
(14:23):
changing our ways. And it's a joy to see our
children grow and do better than we. We always say,
and it's true. We can't be jealous of our children
or those whom we mentor they should always rise and
do better than us. So let's keep a boundary, and
when we hear thank you for the good advice, let's
(14:44):
know that they do appreciate us, they do honor us,
and along the way they won't let us down. They'll
do well and bring joy and blessing to all who
are touched by their lives. Thank you for joining me today.
I look forward to being with you again next time.
Thank you for joining me. I'm Rabbi David Lyayon from
Congregation meth Israel in Houston. In the regular cycle of
tour reading, we open to the Book of Exodus in
chapter twenty. If you are not familiar with what we
find in Exodus chapter twenty, then I'm happy to tell
you that we find the Ten Commandments. Although they also
(00:21):
appear in a slightly different version in the Book of Deuteronomy,
the first and most important appearance of them is here
in Exodus chapter twenty. The people are assembled, that people
are waiting to receive the ten Commandments. I could speak
about all ten if I had the time, but in
the limited time that I have, I want to bring
(00:42):
your attention to the fifth commandment, the one that says
in English, simply honor your father and your mother, that
you may long endure in the land that the Lord
your God is assigning to you. That's a translation. But
if we look closely at some of the Hebrew, we
also come to underst and more of what we need
to know, especially because relationships between children and parents, between
(01:07):
parents and children grows and changes, It evolves as it should,
because we aren't always children in relationship to our parents,
we become adults as we should, and the relationship can
change as it ought to, from children to parent to
adult friends. Perhaps, But even when there is tension between us,
(01:31):
this commandment can still guide us to do what we
should and what we ought to because in the course
of the entire tour, where we find six hundred and
thirteen commandments or its vote good deeds, some of which
we can't perform anymore because the circumstances don't exist any
longer in our contemporary times. Nevertheless, there is something to
(01:53):
learn from each commandment. It's not a suggestion, it's a commandment.
So the question really becomes, how do we feel commanded
to observe to live by this teaching honor your father
and your mother. First of all, we have to identify
and recognize that it doesn't say honor your mother and father.
(02:14):
Father comes first. Why. The rabbis of old suggested that
the natural relationship we have is with mother, because she
gives birth to us. She was traditionally the one at
home really to rear us in every way, to nourish us,
to discipline us, to raise us upright in a traditional way.
(02:36):
Though many formats continue to exist today and they are
thriving and serve children very well. But that is why
father comes first, because sometimes in a more traditional setting,
time and attention needed to be set for the relationship
we would have for father. But the word honor is
the one that is the most complex, the most confounding.
(02:59):
It has really led to a lot of issues and
challenges for children, especially who whether they have a wonderful
relationship or not with their parents. The word honor can
be confusing, so let's consider what it is in Hebrew.
And Hebrew the word is kabad and kabab does mean honor.
It certainly does, but it can also mean to give
(03:21):
weight to and when we give weight to something, it
means we pay it respect. We give it that the
honor and respect it is due, whether we like it
or not. So let me give you a couple of
examples of the way we practice and put this word
honor into use. Very often, when I sit down with
(03:43):
a young couple ready to get married, I'll identify this
commandment is one that we need to consider because the
primary love relationship between a young couple is no longer
between each individual and his or her parents, but rather
between each other, and that orient to each other is
primary critical to the future success of that relationship. In
(04:06):
that marriage, If parents interfere, then it can create problems agitation,
leading to all kinds of issues. And since the divorce
ray continues to hover around fifty percent even since the
nineteen seventies, we have to do all that we can
to be sure that a young couple has every advantage
(04:26):
to have a wonderful marriage. So honor your parents. Well
a long time ago, as I often say to young couples, children,
honor their parents. Whatever they said, they often had to do,
and if they didn't, they were negative consequences. If they did,
they were positive consequences, and they learned right from wrong
(04:46):
rather quickly if they were smart enough to do it.
So honor led us to imagine and to continue to
believe that we had to bend over backwards. We had
to listen to everything our parents said, and if we didn't,
then we've had that shame and guilt that we felt
terrible about violating or opposing our parents. But that's an
unnatural and immature feeling, especially as we grow to be
(05:09):
young adults and find our own way and settle into
a relationship with a partner for life. But since we're
not able to just erase, delete, or ignore a mitzvah
in the Torah, we have to make sense of what
to do with this fifth commandment. So here's my suggestion
and recommendation. It is to say that honoring parents doesn't
(05:32):
mean bending over backwards anymore. It doesn't mean only listening
to what they command you. But it is about cobayed,
giving respect, giving weight to what somebody has to say,
and if they remain even mildly important in your life,
then we owe them some courtesy and respect. And here's
(05:52):
how it sounds when parents say to you, you'll come
to our house every Sunday for brunch. Here's what you
should do for your home. You should decorate it this way.
This is the house you should buy. Here's how you
should raise the children. Here's what you ought to do,
you know the drill. The first thing to say to
anyone who says that is thank you, not because you're
(06:15):
so grateful for their obnoxious or imposing advice, but because
it relates to the word kabayed, to honor, to give respect,
to give weight to, especially if they're your father or mother.
Thank you for that advice. Thank you for thinking so
considerably about our issues. And then no young person, young
(06:38):
adult married couple owes a parent an answer in the moment,
in the heat of the exchange. Rather, thank you. We
will take that advice to heart and give some thought
to what you have to say, But at the end
of the day or when you reply to them, you
owe them no answer that completely agrees with them. Thank
(07:03):
you for your advice, Thank you for your consideration. We've
given it some thought, and here's what we're going to do,
or you don't have to let them know what you're
going to do at all. It's within the bounds of
your own relationship and marriage, which is set apart from
all other relationships, including theirs. Remember, your parents had the
privilege to make their own choices too, and they had
(07:25):
the privilege to listen to their parents, your grandparents if
they wanted to. But my urging message today is to
tell you that kabad at da vida veti mecha honor
your father and mother only comes with the obligation to
be courteous and respectful. Thank you for your advice, and
here's what we're going to do now. It comes with
(07:47):
a certain consequence too. As I say to couples who
are preparing for marriage. Your parents might very well be
aggravated with you, But ask yourself the question, did you
aggravate your parents when you were teenagers? I already know
the answer because I did too. Of course you did.
But did they ever stop loving you? Absolutely not, and
(08:09):
they won't stop loving you now. But you have to
prepare to orient yourself to each other and not to
your parents as the primary love relationship. And if you do,
then you'll find within yourselves and together the power and
ability to say to parents, thank you for all of
your good advice, thank you for your love for us
(08:31):
and our children, our home, whatever it might be, and
then without guilt, to make the adult, mature decisions that
you should. Will parents be aggravated, they might be. For
young couples, I often tell them that it takes at
least six months to train up parents. Now, if you're
the first ones to be married in your family circle,
(08:52):
then you have the obligation to train up your parents
and help them learn and grow these skills. But if
you're not the first ones to be married, and your
older siblings already did it for you, then you will
have an easier way. But the reality is that any
adult figure in your life might play a role of
parent or supervisor or authority. Consider how the idea of
(09:16):
honoring them may break down some of the impass or
the difficult conversations that you think are going to happen
or will happen. The word thank you is extraordinarily powerful.
It lowers the temperature, It lowers the barrier to understanding.
If someone says something to you that you oppose, thank
(09:36):
you for your opinion, thank you for sharing what is
important to you and not but and I will give
it a lot of thought. And that gives you the
room and the space to listen to what they have
to say and then make one's own decision thoughtfully. In
this era of incivility, of polarization, of aggravation with each other,
(10:02):
talking in hush tones around subjects that used to be
openly talked about but today have to be spoken more
quietly and confidentially, respect can still lead the way, I
believe it. Saying thank you and please is still an
opening that can lead to a more civilized conversation and
(10:24):
greater understanding. But between you and others and especially parents,
the idea that you have to bend over backwards and
honor everything they have to say, because they are parents,
begins to fade away as soon as you leave for college,
take your first job and have a boss and supervisor,
and especially when you get married. When the door closes
(10:46):
at the end of the day, it is your home,
It is your apartment, your condo, your place. To do
with it what you like, because remember, they did what
they wanted to, and you have every right to do it. Now,
why do I say it was such confidence, because there's
another teaching in the tour that came earlier in the
Book of Genesis chapter two, that says a young person
(11:07):
in effect, should find a partner in life cleave to
that person leaving their parents home. That's a loose translation,
but it means we are inclined by nature, a natural
urge in us to find a partner in life and
to make our way with that person. So it suggests
(11:28):
already that there's going to be tension between that mitzvah
to find a life partner and the mitzvah to honor parents.
But the Rabbies dealt with it by saying, the future
is with your life partner. Parents are in effect done
with us, except for the relationship that continues to exist,
but the teachings, the lessons and everything else, most of
(11:51):
that fades away as we make our way into adult
life and find our own ways, our own pathways with
another partner to share a life life with, and parents
need to find their own way with each other too.
The truth is that if they continued to develop their
own marriage, then when children leave the home and they
(12:11):
become empty nesters, they can look at each other and say, Aha,
here's my dear friend I haven't seen in a while,
and we finally a private time in our own home
without everybody running around. But if they haven't invested in
their own relationship and suddenly they become empty nesters, they
may look at each other and say, who are you?
We haven't developed our own marriage and our own relationship,
(12:33):
and that's when they struggle more than ever. But remember,
you are reared to leave your parents home and to
find that partner with whom you can find so much
love and so much happiness. I'm Rabbi David Lyon from
Congregation Meth Israel in Houston. To listen again or to
share this message, please find it at my podcast called
(12:56):
Heart to Heart with a Rabbi David Lyon. At Sonny
ninety nine dot com on the iHeartRadio app. As many
people are celebrating Valentine's Day a day of love, it
is a Christian holiday, So what do we do in
the Jewish world. We have a holiday called Tuba ofve
that comes later in the year. But as my wife
(13:18):
has come to know, and she still laughs with me,
I call it Valenstein's Day has kind of a Jewish
ring to it. We don't deny the opportunity to express
our love to each other and to our children, and
we also appreciate that all of us could use a
little more love these days than the contrary emotion and
(13:40):
feeling that many of us are walking around with. And
to our children. We have followed the Mitzvah and the
rules and teachings that I've shared with you. We have
given our children what we call roots and wings. They
know their heritage and their culture, but we don't interfere
with their choices. And if we do, sometimes they've used
(14:02):
my lesson with me and said, thanks, Dad, we'll certainly
keep that in mind. And I know what they're doing,
and I'm proud that they are, because ultimately I have
no say what goes on behind their doors, and so
far from what I see, everything is quite acceptable. Lots
of room for air, lots of room for growing and
(14:23):
changing our ways. And it's a joy to see our
children grow and do better than we. We always say,
and it's true. We can't be jealous of our children
or those whom we mentor they should always rise and
do better than us. So let's keep a boundary, and
when we hear thank you for the good advice, let's
(14:44):
know that they do appreciate us, they do honor us,
and along the way they won't let us down. They'll
do well and bring joy and blessing to all who
are touched by their lives. Thank you for joining me today.
I look forward to being with you again next time.
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