EPISODE 28: Today Krista chats with longtime friend, retired Psychologist and Author Laurie Assadi about navigating through a blended family! When entering into a new relationship with children in the picture, can be a delicate subject for many. When do you introduce your kiddos to this new relationship, what is "your" place in this child's life, is it ok to discipline, and what happens when you bring famlies together after marriage? Don't miss out on this beautiful conversation and get ready to put your mind at ease on how to handle a new relationship with the loves of your life..your kiddos.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
This is the Mad Town Mom Squad podcast, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hard working real mamas having real conversations. Now,
sit back, relax, and get ready to talk mom life
with Christa and her squad.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Well, I'm always so thrilled to have this brilliant woman
who is a dear friend of mine taking time out
of her day because she is very busy helping so
many people when it comes to taking care of kiddos
and their own mental health. It is my pleasure to
bring back and she's very popular on the Madtown Mom Squad.
Retired clinical and school psychologists and also author of Waking
(00:37):
from the Nightmare, Giving Our Children Optimism.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
My girl, Miss Lauria Sati, Hello, my.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Love, Hi Christa? How are you.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I'm fabulous. I hope you had an absolutely amazing holiday.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Well, I had all my kids home, so that's all
it counts.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Yeah, and they're still wanting to see you. That's even better, right,
I know, I know, how does that work?
Speaker 4 (01:01):
I don't know, but Bory, I got lucky.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
You got lucky.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
We had a beautiful time as well, you know, for
myself and Gia, and you know I saw my sister Kate,
So we just had a great time, and I think
I overdid it with the presence, but I can't help it, Laurie,
I can't help it.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I love to get.
Speaker 4 (01:19):
Presents, I don't I know I do too. I do
too well.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
You're a gift that keeps on given, and I appreciate
you again taking the time today. We have a really
important topic. I think actually this is probably our first
time covering this topic since you've been coming on now
for five years, So again I appreciate you. Today we're
going to be talking about blended families and the best
way to go, you know, about managing them and what
(01:45):
that means when you bring to families together and how you,
you know, get through that, because I'm sure and you
know I've I've been through this as well. When I
first married my husband, Gia's dad, you know, I walked
into a relationship and he already had a beautiful daughter, Raven.
So for me it was important, especially to gain respect
(02:06):
from the child being so young, but especially with the
mother that that was very important to me. So I
can't wait to get into this and see what you
think about so many different aspects when it comes to
blended family.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
So let's let's.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Start So, Laurie, what are some of the factors that
need to be taken into account, especially when you know
you're going to be joining someone that already has a
previous family.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Well, it's it's such a complicated and a controversial issue.
And it's interesting. How how old was Raven when you
got married to her dad?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
So?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Well, when I met Raymone okay, so yeah, she was
like five or six, and then I believe Travis and
I got married maybe two years later, Okay, Okay.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
I was just curious. You know. It's interesting because I
also came from a Bloydman family and in the sixties,
my mom, mom and dad got divorced, which was unheard of,
and my mom remarried and my stepdad had five kids
and my mom had six. And that was back in
the days when you didn't talk about it and there
(03:13):
was no material out there to tell you how to
manage it and how to get along with everybody. So
it's interesting as an adult now I've looked back on
things in Relfe how many things they really did right?
So I think you have to take into account the
age of the children, how long the step parents, if
(03:34):
it's a marriage, how long they've been together, and certainly
how old the kids are. If you're with young children,
it's actually a little bit easier. You're still going to
hear you know, you're not my mom, you're not my dad.
So parenting a baby, an infant, a toddler is okay
by the other person, But once the kids were just
certain age, I would say six, seven, eight nine, you
(03:57):
really have to be more hands off, pay and let
the birth parent, you know, sort of take the lead
in terms of parenting. A lot of people don't do that,
you know, and a lot of people get criticized for,
you know, while you live with these kids, you know
you should be disciplining them. But all that does, typically
is it increases resentment on the child's part and frustration
(04:23):
on the other parents' part. So it also depends on
is this a dating relationship or is it a marriage?
Is it a second marriage? You know, dating it's a
tough one. And the research now that's been out there
for years says, if you're divorced, for example, don't introduce
another person as a relationship a couple for months to
(04:47):
your kids. If you're going to go out and meet
with them and spend time with them, that's fine, but
to bring them after a couple of weeks of knowing them,
into the child's home and into the child's life is
really not a good idea case it doesn't last. Yeah,
and go ahead, I go ahead. What were you going
to say?
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Oh? No, I like you said, I totally agree.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
You know, even you know, with myself growing up and
my brother and my sister. You know, my mom, she
never brought a man home into our home number one.
But number two, you know, she did take a long
time because she did start dating this this gentleman until
she introduced us to him. And that was kind of
(05:29):
my question too, because I think it is important. I know,
when you know, when I met Gia's dad, that was
super important. And I think I think I took six months,
that we agreed six months of dating before he would
introduce me into Raven's life.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
And that's generally the recommendation. That's generally, you know, considered
best practice. And I've known a couple of people who,
you know, they get divorced, they're really struggling with it,
and start dating there on apps blah blah blah, and
both think twice about having the guy over. And you know,
one of my kids in that practice said to me,
(06:08):
you know, well, she introduced me to him at a restaurant.
We were sitting there having dinner and he comes in
and you know, and I didn't know anything about him,
and just as if the kids already knew him, and
she was very offended, the child was. And so you know,
there's a way that you go about it. You go,
you do it slowly, you know, you you you can say,
(06:30):
you know, I'm seeing this person, but I want to shure
where it's going to go. And I think depending on
the age of the kid, you know, they deserve honesty. Yeah,
a guy you know coming into the house for a
couple of months and then they break up and their gun.
So that's just another person disappearing in their life.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Yes, yes, you know.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
And it was a huge impact on their trust.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Level with the parent, well with the.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
Parent, and and as they grow up and they have relationships,
whether it's a friendship or a dating relationship or whatever,
because in their mind, nothing lasts.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
You know, yeah, not good.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Yeah, So don't get too close, don't don't open yourself
up too much, you know. So I and I've had
hundreds of kids in that situation. Sometimes for different reasons,
but I have to work really really hard to get
them to trust me because I'm one more person that's
going to leave, yeah, their mind.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
You know, we don't want that. I know I've talked
about you know, and you know, and a lot of
us unfortunately, I feel abandonment issues and that is definitely
not something that I would ever personally want to bring
into my child's life. I was going to say, though,
and I know you and I have talked about it,
you know, I recently, you know, going on three months
now that I've been chatting with someone and now we're
(07:49):
exclusively dating. But I kept it to myself because I
didn't want to introduce Gia yet because of like my other.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Failed attempts and exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
And it was though we were in my car and
I was bringing here to school, and you know, he
was texting me, and then it went you know, over
my speaker in my car, and my daughter's like, mom,
who's that. I'm like, okay, So that I told her
and I.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Told her all about him, and she's.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
You know, like, oh, it sounds so nice. And now
they've met and you know, we're at a really good place.
I'm so very happy.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
But what's true.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
You know, when you do, you know, maybe your child
does come across this and you weren't prepared yet to
introduce them. But being honest with them is the best way.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
Correct.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And you know I wouldn't say I
wouldn't give the child information about, you know, the nature
of the relationship, like oh, we're going to be together,
or well, we're just trying this out. You know, they
don't need to know that, because what you're doing is
reinforcing uncertainty. Sure, and that kid, you know, sure, So
(08:56):
excuse me. I I always tell people, just say, you know,
now we're good friends, and you know, we're going to
see what happens. And you know, as soon as I
think it's appropriate, you know, I'll introduce you guys, and
blah blah blah. But you have to be I think
you have to be honest.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
You know.
Speaker 4 (09:15):
And again, I was raised in the days when my
mom called my brother and I in and said, so
your dad and I are getting divorced, and then, you know,
no questions at all, no real discussion. And I remember
my brother, when we got older, we were talking about it,
and I said, well, I always thought it was mother's
fault people. I always thought it was daddy's false right, yeah,
(09:36):
And he said, all right, we got to figure out
our neurosis. We have to get the right story here,
which is very true. You know, So conversation, conversation and
communication it's very important. You know. You don't have to
you don't have to lather them with details of the information,
but you do have to be upfront. And the other
(09:57):
factor that enters into it are people are they single
because they're widowed or are they single because they're divorced?
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Okay, yeah, dive into that.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Yeah, and that makes a big difference, especially people that
if one person in the couple has recently been divorced,
like in the last couple of months or whatever, they
can be very fragile without even realizing it, you know.
And if it's because they're widowed, the parent who passed,
I think has to be part of that dynamic. You know.
(10:29):
I've had people that once the other parent passes, they
get rid of all photos of that parent. They almost
act like the parent never was there, you know, and
it would just make me cringe because you know, and
I had a parent saying to me, well, it's too
hard for me. I said, well, I don't really care
about that. What do you think it's doing to your kids?
(10:51):
You know that you've just now not only have they
lost them, but now you're making her disappear, you know.
And and so that is and we don't think about that.
I think people are so devastated by either divorce or
you know, a death, that they don't think it's it's
(11:12):
the nature of Trump. It's the nature of the beast,
and they don't understand how it's impacting the kids. It's
so complicated. It gets so complicated, and I feel like
sometimes in my practice, every variation of what not to do,
you know.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
So yeah, you know, Travis my extent, he was, he
was over the other day and you know, we were
talking and you know, I feel we are so blessed
because this was extremely important to both of us. You know,
even though our marriage ended, we have remained very very
good friends. And that was so important to me. You
(11:47):
know that we did number one because you know, I
had this long life with this person. You know, I
just always been that kind of person that I don't believe.
But again, we didn't.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Hurt each other. We just you know, grew apart.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
We just right.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
But how do people.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Maneuver, especially in a relationship where their relationship is so
toxic that they can't even have a conversation. So like
I have girlfriends who are divorced and you know, they're
not going to have any conversation.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
With their ex.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
So when you're when you're together, then at a holiday
or a wedding or and you see that you know
your your ex, and then you see the new the
new stepmom or the new stepdad. I mean, what do
you suggest for people that don't have that kind of
you know, relationship with their ex.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Well, stay away.
Speaker 4 (12:47):
There are times, just there are times that depending on
what's going on with the ex. You know, I have
a family right now that or I had a family
that you know, what if the if the ex has
you know, some kind of mental health issue, if they
have a moon disorder or a personality disorder, narcissism, something
like that, that's a whole different ballgame. It's much more
(13:11):
toxic for the kids, you know. And I think, again,
you know, you've got to be honest with I've talked
to kids and I've had to say to them, listen,
this is not your issue. This is mom's issue. Mom
is dealing with some mental illness that she doesn't understand
and doesn't know how to make it better, because the
(13:31):
kids take it on no matter how many times we
say them, now, you know, we'll always be your parents
and this is not your fault. Like they just on
the inside roll their eyes, you know, And so some
of the things that we think are making them feel better,
it's just like it's just like bouncing off a wall,
you know. So there are times when I've had children
(13:53):
over the years that have estranged themselves, and that's because
of severe mental illness, you know. And I've had adolescents say,
you know, it's too unhealthy for me because you know,
my my mom is calling me fat and she's you know,
I have one fourteen year old say to her mom,
you know you do realize you're giving me an eating disorder,
(14:15):
You're giving me body dysmorphic disorder, which was very true, right, Yeah, yes,
I could not argue with it. And sometimes because this
younger generation now they know so much about mental health,
it's and we don't give them enough credit. You know,
they do their reading, they and sometimes most of the
(14:36):
time it's accurate. Sometimes it isn't. But hopefully they have
somebody to bounce it off, you know, and knows the
whole situation. So again, I think that's one thing that
makes it so complicated. And I think you and Travis are,
I mean, you're both so blessed to be able to
give that to Gia because I've had kids come to
(14:57):
me specifically, the reason they were referred to me was
because the parents were not getting along in the in
the visitation and the war situation whatever, and it was
devastating to the kids. And so one of the things
I had to do was teach to parents how how
to not do it that way. I don't know how
(15:19):
to say it, but it's not easy because there's and
you know, the other time that I use a lot
in situations of divorce is you know, sometimes you're both
the walking wounded, you know is and so how can
you how can you both feel that way and then
expect to take care of a child or an adolescent
or whatever. It's very difficult.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
It's difficult.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Yeah, So let's talk about, you know, our our children
and their opinions. When you're going through you know, meeting
someone m I mean, how much of the child's opinion
is it to continue with someone what if what if
your child is like, no, I hate this person, I
(16:02):
don't want you with them, but you're like, but this
person makes me happy. Because there could be many different
reasons why your child is saying that, right, sure versus
versus they love them, you know, which is what you want?
Speaker 4 (16:13):
But right? And you know, I think again, it depends
on the age of the child and the nature of
the relationship. Okay, if it's the relationship is heading towards marriage,
then that's a different situation than you know, maybe my kids, right,
maybe I had just dump this guy, you know.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
I know, Mom, they told me on TikTok, these are.
Speaker 4 (16:36):
The warnings is missing. Yeah, it's all about red flag now,
but it is. But I think in a bigger picture,
if there's nothing very, very unhealthy about the whole thing,
the kids should be allowed to feel in the way
they feel. You know when I mean my stepdad and
(16:58):
I I wasn't crazy about him when I was younger.
I mean they got married when I was I don't know,
eleven twelve something like that, and I didn't like the
way he was treating his two youngest children.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Really and yeah, wow, and they.
Speaker 4 (17:09):
Would call me crying because of stuff he said or whatever,
and so I wasn't crazy. I used to do things
to drive him crazy, like in my household, you don't
work at the dinner table, and I used to do
it all the time, just the booking. And the interesting
thing is he would never ever reprimand me, which was
very smart because they knew even back then, they did
(17:33):
not try to parent each other's kids. Yes, you know
what I mean. Yeah, And it was interesting because when
my mom passed, I was when my stepdad came to
you know, to help him through it, and when we
got a lot closer after she passed and we talked
about things, and he came to visit, and you know,
(17:54):
and my siblings and my step siblings were like, what
the heck is going on with you two? I don't
really know. But again, I think the adult has to
be the adult and understand that the child has a
lot of mixed feelings about this, and as an adolescent
or a teenager, they may or may not be capable
of like talking about it. You know, they just act
(18:16):
on it because they're angry, they're worried, they're frustrated. You know,
my family's broken, blah blah blah. Now that's a lot
less than it used to be, but still it goes
on all the time. Yeah, and so I think they
need a better understanding of where the child is coming from.
And so you do need to listen to them. Doesn't
mean if they say I want you to break up,
(18:37):
you break up, but you do need to accommodate or
acknowledge this is really hard for you. And I understand
it's hard for you. And so we'll just keep plugging
away and you know, and reassurance. They need a lot
of reassurance that the family is not broken.
Speaker 3 (18:55):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Well, I'm sure with a child that stirs a lot
of emotions because maybe they're very protective of their mom.
Maybe their mom's not dating someone, but dad is, and
now he brings this new woman, Like, how do you
cope with that? I mean, I'm sure there's so many
different avenues that a child goes through that. Yeah, we
better pay attention to our kids, right, you know, right, Yeah,
(19:16):
that's that's really powerful.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And to try to have a conversation with them without
lecturing them, you know, will I mean, and I've had
I've had moms say to their kids, you know, while
you can you know, don't you want me to be happy,
and I just I just cringe, you.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Know, and it's selfish, right, Oh.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
It's horrible. It's horrible, and it's not their responsibility to
make sure you're happy. And do not lay that guilt
on them, you know. But they say, you know, I
deserve this and I deserve that, and okay, well good
for you. But a child deserves a family that's intact
and parents that are getting along even if they're not
living together. Yeah, you know, what does a child deserve?
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Right? Yeah, well that's interesting. You know, I've never once
said that to Gia. It's the other way around that she.
You know, Gia was the one that said, mom, is time.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
To put yourself out there, you know, because it was
going on like three years of being being single.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
I was like, gyah, she goes, this is what we
call bumble mom.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I'm like, okay, she's very funny, but yeah, but you know,
I feel very blessed in that way that have that
relationship with my daughter, that Travis and I have that
relationship together.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
I mean, him and I.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
The other night, we're just talking about, you know, how
we both have met someone that we're very happy with.
And I couldn't be more happier for him and vice versa.
And you know, for Gia to see her parents just happy,
that's all she wants, right, yeah. Yeah, so you know,
I know we kind of dove into this, but you
know the difference with being in a long term marriage
(20:53):
versus a dating situation. Is there anything else that you
would say, especially maybe in the beginning stages updating someone,
I would not.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
I would not give them any specific information about what
kind of relationship it is, or you know, how long
you've known them or whatever. I just I just would
not do that. I would say, you know, right now,
it's just trying to have fun together and figure things out,
and you know, if it even comes.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Up, if it is yeah right, if it even comes up.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Yeah right, Well, like it happened to you in the car,
like it did, Yes it did. Y. Yeah, that was
certainly not your plan.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
That was not my plan. But it all went good.
It all went exactly. Yeah, And they did meet each
other and Gea likes him very much.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
Oh good, yeah, oh good.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Let's just say that the person has been asked, would
you be my girlfriend, would you be my boyfriend? Or
you know, maybe the relationship is further down the line
and you're being asked to, you know, marry someone.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
He thought into that.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
I think it's again you got to tread lightly and
go slow. But I would use words, you know, he
and I for example, he and I are happy together.
I think he's good for me, and so we're kind
of looking down the road. You know, who knows what
life brings us, you know, the uncertainty of life. But
(22:13):
I think that, you know, I think we are good
for each other, and I want him as an example.
I want him to be good for you also, And
so that reassures the kids that they're part of the
equation now that the equation is kind of stable. And
that's the thing, is the instability of guys, you know,
in and out of the house. And I've had that
happen enough times. I've seen it happen. I should say,
(22:37):
not with me, but.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Laurie, I thought you got around, come on now.
Speaker 4 (22:48):
But so I think again, you know, going slow, not
using extreme words like always or never and that kind
of thing, which is not easy to do. But kids
need reassurance and anything you can to reassure them. At
least we feel like we're good together. And if we're
good together, then you know, I want him to be
good with you. And that's the other thing that people
(23:09):
don't think about is that the marriage or the relationship
is really the foundation for the kids. And so that
foundation has to be healthy and strong and well built
so that the kids know that they have something to
rely on. Yes, and you can do that. I mean,
that's important in a marriage, for sure, but you can
also do that in like a dating relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Which is really important, especially if you're you know, it's
the second time around, and a lot.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
Of times the kids know, I mean, depending on the
nature of the marriage, and you know, if it's a
divorced situation, at some level they kind of know that
it's not healthy. I have a kid tell me one time,
you know, I really want my dad back in the house,
but I want him to come back different, which I
thought was very insightful. You know. So there's a sense
there that you know, this is hard on me. I
(23:54):
don't really like this, I don't like the fighting, and
blah blah blah. So I think one of the messages
you want to say and in that situation is it's
going to be different this time around. You know. That's
why I say, you know, he and I seem to
feel like we're healthy, we're good for each other, we're
healthy together, and I want it to be healthy for you.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
And it's going to be different for everybody in their situations.
You know, when when you're blending a family at all
different ages, you know, young children, adult children, that it
is important number one though, that I think when you're
bringing someone else in that there is an understanding that
and I guess it's different for everyone. But if you
are the parent, you are the parent and the child
(24:35):
needs to know, Like, I think that's important, right, Like
I'm Gia's mom, so I'm the head supporter and the
head decision maker when it comes to my daughter.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
I just feel that way.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Of course, I'm going to want my significant other to
put input. But you know, I don't know if I
would be someone that would be okay with someone else
disciplining my child, right right, But for some they are,
they're they're I know, I guess I haven't been in
a situation where I had to have someone discipline my
child because I haven't been in a relationship yet with someone.
(25:08):
I mean, that's got to be a sticky situation for
a lot it probably works and probably doesn't.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Well, there are times and sometimes the couple disagrees on
how to discipline the child. But you're right, at the
end of the day, you're the parent, you're the mom,
and you know what, you know your child better than anybody,
no matter how long you've been living together or dating
or whatever. You know, if what you're doing isn't working,
(25:35):
you can go to that other person and say, you know, jeez,
I'm not sure what to do here, you know, do
any ideas or whatever?
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Oh, for sure.
Speaker 4 (25:41):
But at the end of the day, you you are
the parent, and that person coming into the relationship does
not know your child the way you do. So and
again that's why I say, you know, depending on the
age of the child, you really should not be parenting
that child, and the two adults have to work together
(26:03):
on it, like ask for help, you know, ask for advice.
That's that's a little bit that's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
rather than somebody else who have him grown up with
that child, you know, always step again and saying well,
this is what we're not you know.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Yeah, well when raeven was you know a child, you know,
because Jobson and I were married for seventeen years. I
you know, I never took the spot of trying to
be her biological mom, right. My place was, in my mind,
was just to be there as you know, someone else
(26:35):
that loves her right and is a huge supporter of her,
and that I always made sure that she knew that
she could always come to me if maybe she didn't
feel comfortable going to you know, her mom or her dad,
just as another you know, as a friend. So that
was my take on it.
Speaker 4 (26:52):
And that's that's exactly how it should be done. That's
exactly what helps you build a long relationship with that kid.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Well, good, then I did it right.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
You did do it right?
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Oh I din't right. I did it right? Ding it?
Speaker 4 (27:05):
You did? Yes?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
And I'm uh And I just want to say I
I just you know, Raven, I'm just so so proud
of my stepdaughter.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
And I want to put it out there too.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Just because you end up getting divorced and you have
previous step children, I'm sorry, that's my She will always
be my daughter, my stepdaughter, Raven.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
She will always be in my life regardless.
Speaker 4 (27:29):
You know. Yeah, I I totally agree. I totally agree.
I mean, that's that's the way it should be because
it's in some way, at some level, you've already established
a relationship with that kid, you know, Yes, And that's
why when my stepdad called on me, no matter what
the situation was, I was always available and I would
go to the ends of the earth front yep, you know, yep.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Well in my my other side of the you know,
Travis's side of the family probably thinks I'm crazy because
I still consider.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Them like my mother in law, my sister. Well that's
who I am, though.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
You will always be that in my life, in my heart,
and if anyone has a problem with it, then I
guess you're not the person for me exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Well, and some people do have a problem with you.
I know it's a little weird, but you know, the
reality is those people, regardless of the divorce, are part
of your story. Yes, you know, they're part of your history. Yeah,
so why would you walk away from that? You know? So,
I totally agree with you. I think that's the best
(28:32):
case scenario.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
You've been teaching me the ways of life now for
fifteen years. So, miss RII was there when g.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
Was born again.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
My daughter was born in Kelmusey, Michigan, and Laurie takes
the time to you know, come on to the show
with us via Michigan telephone number and yeah, right, I
want to get you here in Wisconsin. I know Laurie
and Iron talks that we'd love to do a tour together.
I just think that would be so much fun.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
Oh my gosh, that would be amazing. Yeah, I would
love to do that. I know in our book, make
it Happen, Make it happen, christ I know.
Speaker 3 (29:06):
Okay, I'm out.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Man.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
You're a lot smarter in this department, my love. I
just have a loud mouth, so that works well.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
I absolutely adore you, Lourie, Thank you so much. I
know that this is going to help out a lot
of people because the one thing that we all want
is to bring together our families and to continue with
love and respect and I know together exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
Well.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
I love you.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
I cannot wait to have you back on the show again.
You are very popular on the mom Squad. If you
have yet to pick up her book, you need to.
It's again Waking from the Nightmare, giving our Children Optimism.
I mean, Laurie just dive into that real quick.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
For people.
Speaker 4 (29:49):
Well, it's basically very non clinical and non technical. It's
based on my experience with the kids and what they've
taught me, and it's really it was really their urging
that I wrote it, because as they kept saying, when
we leave your office, my mom forgets what you say.
You need to write this book. So but anyway, I
tried to explain from the child's point of view how
(30:11):
it feels to be depressed, to be anxious. There's a
section on AVV and many writings by the kids that
I worked with that they voluntarily just gave me over
the years that were very, very eye opening. So it
was really a gift they gave me. And they can
email me and I can just stick it in the
mail tone and.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Where you go, and I'll have all this on, you know,
in the podcast so people can okay with you, all
righty okay, talk to again.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
This is the matttwn Mom Squad podcast, a production of iHeartRadio.
Here Every episode of Matton Mom Squad podcasts available on
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Music, or wherever you listen to
your favorite podcasts.
This is the Mad Town Mom Squad podcast, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hard working real mamas having real conversations. Now,
sit back, relax, and get ready to talk mom life
with Christa and her squad.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Well, I'm always so thrilled to have this brilliant woman
who is a dear friend of mine taking time out
of her day because she is very busy helping so
many people when it comes to taking care of kiddos
and their own mental health. It is my pleasure to
bring back and she's very popular on the Madtown Mom Squad.
Retired clinical and school psychologists and also author of Waking
(00:37):
from the Nightmare, Giving Our Children Optimism.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
My girl, Miss Lauria Sati, Hello, my.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
Love, Hi Christa? How are you.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I'm fabulous. I hope you had an absolutely amazing holiday.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
Well, I had all my kids home, so that's all
it counts.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Yeah, and they're still wanting to see you. That's even better, right,
I know, I know, how does that work?
Speaker 4 (01:01):
I don't know, but Bory, I got lucky.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
You got lucky.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
We had a beautiful time as well, you know, for
myself and Gia, and you know I saw my sister Kate,
So we just had a great time, and I think
I overdid it with the presence, but I can't help it, Laurie,
I can't help it.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I love to get.
Speaker 4 (01:19):
Presents, I don't I know I do too. I do
too well.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
You're a gift that keeps on given, and I appreciate
you again taking the time today. We have a really
important topic. I think actually this is probably our first
time covering this topic since you've been coming on now
for five years, So again I appreciate you. Today we're
going to be talking about blended families and the best
way to go, you know, about managing them and what
(01:45):
that means when you bring to families together and how you,
you know, get through that, because I'm sure and you
know I've I've been through this as well. When I
first married my husband, Gia's dad, you know, I walked
into a relationship and he already had a beautiful daughter, Raven.
So for me it was important, especially to gain respect
(02:06):
from the child being so young, but especially with the
mother that that was very important to me. So I
can't wait to get into this and see what you
think about so many different aspects when it comes to
blended family.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
So let's let's.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Start So, Laurie, what are some of the factors that
need to be taken into account, especially when you know
you're going to be joining someone that already has a
previous family.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
Well, it's it's such a complicated and a controversial issue.
And it's interesting. How how old was Raven when you
got married to her dad?
Speaker 1 (02:40):
So?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Well, when I met Raymone okay, so yeah, she was
like five or six, and then I believe Travis and
I got married maybe two years later, Okay, Okay.
Speaker 4 (02:51):
I was just curious. You know. It's interesting because I
also came from a Bloydman family and in the sixties,
my mom, mom and dad got divorced, which was unheard of,
and my mom remarried and my stepdad had five kids
and my mom had six. And that was back in
the days when you didn't talk about it and there
(03:13):
was no material out there to tell you how to
manage it and how to get along with everybody. So
it's interesting as an adult now I've looked back on
things in Relfe how many things they really did right?
So I think you have to take into account the
age of the children, how long the step parents, if
(03:34):
it's a marriage, how long they've been together, and certainly
how old the kids are. If you're with young children,
it's actually a little bit easier. You're still going to
hear you know, you're not my mom, you're not my dad.
So parenting a baby, an infant, a toddler is okay
by the other person, But once the kids were just
certain age, I would say six, seven, eight nine, you
(03:57):
really have to be more hands off, pay and let
the birth parent, you know, sort of take the lead
in terms of parenting. A lot of people don't do that,
you know, and a lot of people get criticized for,
you know, while you live with these kids, you know
you should be disciplining them. But all that does, typically
is it increases resentment on the child's part and frustration
(04:23):
on the other parents' part. So it also depends on
is this a dating relationship or is it a marriage?
Is it a second marriage? You know, dating it's a
tough one. And the research now that's been out there
for years says, if you're divorced, for example, don't introduce
another person as a relationship a couple for months to
(04:47):
your kids. If you're going to go out and meet
with them and spend time with them, that's fine, but
to bring them after a couple of weeks of knowing them,
into the child's home and into the child's life is
really not a good idea case it doesn't last. Yeah,
and go ahead, I go ahead. What were you going
to say?
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Oh? No, I like you said, I totally agree.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
You know, even you know, with myself growing up and
my brother and my sister. You know, my mom, she
never brought a man home into our home number one.
But number two, you know, she did take a long
time because she did start dating this this gentleman until
she introduced us to him. And that was kind of
(05:29):
my question too, because I think it is important. I know,
when you know, when I met Gia's dad, that was
super important. And I think I think I took six months,
that we agreed six months of dating before he would
introduce me into Raven's life.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
And that's generally the recommendation. That's generally, you know, considered
best practice. And I've known a couple of people who,
you know, they get divorced, they're really struggling with it,
and start dating there on apps blah blah blah, and
both think twice about having the guy over. And you know,
one of my kids in that practice said to me,
(06:08):
you know, well, she introduced me to him at a restaurant.
We were sitting there having dinner and he comes in
and you know, and I didn't know anything about him,
and just as if the kids already knew him, and
she was very offended, the child was. And so you know,
there's a way that you go about it. You go,
you do it slowly, you know, you you you can say,
(06:30):
you know, I'm seeing this person, but I want to shure
where it's going to go. And I think depending on
the age of the kid, you know, they deserve honesty. Yeah,
a guy you know coming into the house for a
couple of months and then they break up and their gun.
So that's just another person disappearing in their life.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Yes, yes, you know.
Speaker 4 (06:48):
And it was a huge impact on their trust.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Level with the parent, well with the.
Speaker 4 (06:55):
Parent, and and as they grow up and they have relationships,
whether it's a friendship or a dating relationship or whatever,
because in their mind, nothing lasts.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
You know, yeah, not good.
Speaker 4 (07:09):
Yeah, So don't get too close, don't don't open yourself
up too much, you know. So I and I've had
hundreds of kids in that situation. Sometimes for different reasons,
but I have to work really really hard to get
them to trust me because I'm one more person that's
going to leave, yeah, their mind.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
You know, we don't want that. I know I've talked
about you know, and you know, and a lot of
us unfortunately, I feel abandonment issues and that is definitely
not something that I would ever personally want to bring
into my child's life. I was going to say, though,
and I know you and I have talked about it,
you know, I recently, you know, going on three months
now that I've been chatting with someone and now we're
(07:49):
exclusively dating. But I kept it to myself because I
didn't want to introduce Gia yet because of like my other.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Failed attempts and exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
And it was though we were in my car and
I was bringing here to school, and you know, he
was texting me, and then it went you know, over
my speaker in my car, and my daughter's like, mom,
who's that. I'm like, okay, So that I told her
and I.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Told her all about him, and she's.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
You know, like, oh, it sounds so nice. And now
they've met and you know, we're at a really good place.
I'm so very happy.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
But what's true.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
You know, when you do, you know, maybe your child
does come across this and you weren't prepared yet to
introduce them. But being honest with them is the best way.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
Correct.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And you know I wouldn't say I
wouldn't give the child information about, you know, the nature
of the relationship, like oh, we're going to be together,
or well, we're just trying this out. You know, they
don't need to know that, because what you're doing is
reinforcing uncertainty. Sure, and that kid, you know, sure, So
(08:56):
excuse me. I I always tell people, just say, you know,
now we're good friends, and you know, we're going to
see what happens. And you know, as soon as I
think it's appropriate, you know, I'll introduce you guys, and
blah blah blah. But you have to be I think
you have to be honest.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
You know.
Speaker 4 (09:15):
And again, I was raised in the days when my
mom called my brother and I in and said, so
your dad and I are getting divorced, and then, you know,
no questions at all, no real discussion. And I remember
my brother, when we got older, we were talking about it,
and I said, well, I always thought it was mother's
fault people. I always thought it was daddy's false right, yeah,
(09:36):
And he said, all right, we got to figure out
our neurosis. We have to get the right story here,
which is very true. You know, So conversation, conversation and
communication it's very important. You know. You don't have to
you don't have to lather them with details of the information,
but you do have to be upfront. And the other
(09:57):
factor that enters into it are people are they single
because they're widowed or are they single because they're divorced?
Speaker 3 (10:06):
Okay, yeah, dive into that.
Speaker 4 (10:08):
Yeah, and that makes a big difference, especially people that
if one person in the couple has recently been divorced,
like in the last couple of months or whatever, they
can be very fragile without even realizing it, you know.
And if it's because they're widowed, the parent who passed,
I think has to be part of that dynamic. You know.
(10:29):
I've had people that once the other parent passes, they
get rid of all photos of that parent. They almost
act like the parent never was there, you know, and
it would just make me cringe because you know, and
I had a parent saying to me, well, it's too
hard for me. I said, well, I don't really care
about that. What do you think it's doing to your kids?
(10:51):
You know that you've just now not only have they
lost them, but now you're making her disappear, you know.
And and so that is and we don't think about that.
I think people are so devastated by either divorce or
you know, a death, that they don't think it's it's
(11:12):
the nature of Trump. It's the nature of the beast,
and they don't understand how it's impacting the kids. It's
so complicated. It gets so complicated, and I feel like
sometimes in my practice, every variation of what not to do,
you know.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
So yeah, you know, Travis my extent, he was, he
was over the other day and you know, we were
talking and you know, I feel we are so blessed
because this was extremely important to both of us. You know,
even though our marriage ended, we have remained very very
good friends. And that was so important to me. You
(11:47):
know that we did number one because you know, I
had this long life with this person. You know, I
just always been that kind of person that I don't believe.
But again, we didn't.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
Hurt each other. We just you know, grew apart.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
We just right.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
But how do people.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
Maneuver, especially in a relationship where their relationship is so
toxic that they can't even have a conversation. So like
I have girlfriends who are divorced and you know, they're
not going to have any conversation.
Speaker 3 (12:22):
With their ex.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
So when you're when you're together, then at a holiday
or a wedding or and you see that you know
your your ex, and then you see the new the
new stepmom or the new stepdad. I mean, what do
you suggest for people that don't have that kind of
you know, relationship with their ex.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Well, stay away.
Speaker 4 (12:47):
There are times, just there are times that depending on
what's going on with the ex. You know, I have
a family right now that or I had a family
that you know, what if the if the ex has
you know, some kind of mental health issue, if they
have a moon disorder or a personality disorder, narcissism, something
like that, that's a whole different ballgame. It's much more
(13:11):
toxic for the kids, you know. And I think, again,
you know, you've got to be honest with I've talked
to kids and I've had to say to them, listen,
this is not your issue. This is mom's issue. Mom
is dealing with some mental illness that she doesn't understand
and doesn't know how to make it better, because the
(13:31):
kids take it on no matter how many times we
say them, now, you know, we'll always be your parents
and this is not your fault. Like they just on
the inside roll their eyes, you know, And so some
of the things that we think are making them feel better,
it's just like it's just like bouncing off a wall,
you know. So there are times when I've had children
(13:53):
over the years that have estranged themselves, and that's because
of severe mental illness, you know. And I've had adolescents say,
you know, it's too unhealthy for me because you know,
my my mom is calling me fat and she's you know,
I have one fourteen year old say to her mom,
you know you do realize you're giving me an eating disorder,
(14:15):
You're giving me body dysmorphic disorder, which was very true, right, Yeah, yes,
I could not argue with it. And sometimes because this
younger generation now they know so much about mental health,
it's and we don't give them enough credit. You know,
they do their reading, they and sometimes most of the
(14:36):
time it's accurate. Sometimes it isn't. But hopefully they have
somebody to bounce it off, you know, and knows the
whole situation. So again, I think that's one thing that
makes it so complicated. And I think you and Travis are,
I mean, you're both so blessed to be able to
give that to Gia because I've had kids come to
(14:57):
me specifically, the reason they were referred to me was
because the parents were not getting along in the in
the visitation and the war situation whatever, and it was
devastating to the kids. And so one of the things
I had to do was teach to parents how how
to not do it that way. I don't know how
(15:19):
to say it, but it's not easy because there's and
you know, the other time that I use a lot
in situations of divorce is you know, sometimes you're both
the walking wounded, you know is and so how can
you how can you both feel that way and then
expect to take care of a child or an adolescent
or whatever. It's very difficult.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
It's difficult.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Yeah, So let's talk about, you know, our our children
and their opinions. When you're going through you know, meeting
someone m I mean, how much of the child's opinion
is it to continue with someone what if what if
your child is like, no, I hate this person, I
(16:02):
don't want you with them, but you're like, but this
person makes me happy. Because there could be many different
reasons why your child is saying that, right, sure versus
versus they love them, you know, which is what you want?
Speaker 4 (16:13):
But right? And you know, I think again, it depends
on the age of the child and the nature of
the relationship. Okay, if it's the relationship is heading towards marriage,
then that's a different situation than you know, maybe my kids, right,
maybe I had just dump this guy, you know.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
I know, Mom, they told me on TikTok, these are.
Speaker 4 (16:36):
The warnings is missing. Yeah, it's all about red flag now,
but it is. But I think in a bigger picture,
if there's nothing very, very unhealthy about the whole thing,
the kids should be allowed to feel in the way
they feel. You know when I mean my stepdad and
(16:58):
I I wasn't crazy about him when I was younger.
I mean they got married when I was I don't know,
eleven twelve something like that, and I didn't like the
way he was treating his two youngest children.
Speaker 3 (17:07):
Really and yeah, wow, and they.
Speaker 4 (17:09):
Would call me crying because of stuff he said or whatever,
and so I wasn't crazy. I used to do things
to drive him crazy, like in my household, you don't
work at the dinner table, and I used to do
it all the time, just the booking. And the interesting
thing is he would never ever reprimand me, which was
very smart because they knew even back then, they did
(17:33):
not try to parent each other's kids. Yes, you know
what I mean. Yeah, And it was interesting because when
my mom passed, I was when my stepdad came to
you know, to help him through it, and when we
got a lot closer after she passed and we talked
about things, and he came to visit, and you know,
(17:54):
and my siblings and my step siblings were like, what
the heck is going on with you two? I don't
really know. But again, I think the adult has to
be the adult and understand that the child has a
lot of mixed feelings about this, and as an adolescent
or a teenager, they may or may not be capable
of like talking about it. You know, they just act
(18:16):
on it because they're angry, they're worried, they're frustrated. You know,
my family's broken, blah blah blah. Now that's a lot
less than it used to be, but still it goes
on all the time. Yeah, and so I think they
need a better understanding of where the child is coming from.
And so you do need to listen to them. Doesn't
mean if they say I want you to break up,
(18:37):
you break up, but you do need to accommodate or
acknowledge this is really hard for you. And I understand
it's hard for you. And so we'll just keep plugging
away and you know, and reassurance. They need a lot
of reassurance that the family is not broken.
Speaker 3 (18:55):
Right.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Well, I'm sure with a child that stirs a lot
of emotions because maybe they're very protective of their mom.
Maybe their mom's not dating someone, but dad is, and
now he brings this new woman, Like, how do you
cope with that? I mean, I'm sure there's so many
different avenues that a child goes through that. Yeah, we
better pay attention to our kids, right, you know, right, Yeah,
(19:16):
that's that's really powerful.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And to try to have a conversation with them without
lecturing them, you know, will I mean, and I've had
I've had moms say to their kids, you know, while
you can you know, don't you want me to be happy,
and I just I just cringe, you.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Know, and it's selfish, right, Oh.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
It's horrible. It's horrible, and it's not their responsibility to
make sure you're happy. And do not lay that guilt
on them, you know. But they say, you know, I
deserve this and I deserve that, and okay, well good
for you. But a child deserves a family that's intact
and parents that are getting along even if they're not
living together. Yeah, you know, what does a child deserve?
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Right? Yeah, well that's interesting. You know, I've never once
said that to Gia. It's the other way around that she.
You know, Gia was the one that said, mom, is time.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
To put yourself out there, you know, because it was
going on like three years of being being single.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
I was like, gyah, she goes, this is what we
call bumble mom.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
I'm like, okay, she's very funny, but yeah, but you know,
I feel very blessed in that way that have that
relationship with my daughter, that Travis and I have that
relationship together.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
I mean, him and I.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
The other night, we're just talking about, you know, how
we both have met someone that we're very happy with.
And I couldn't be more happier for him and vice versa.
And you know, for Gia to see her parents just happy,
that's all she wants, right, yeah. Yeah, so you know,
I know we kind of dove into this, but you
know the difference with being in a long term marriage
(20:53):
versus a dating situation. Is there anything else that you
would say, especially maybe in the beginning stages updating someone,
I would not.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
I would not give them any specific information about what
kind of relationship it is, or you know, how long
you've known them or whatever. I just I just would
not do that. I would say, you know, right now,
it's just trying to have fun together and figure things out,
and you know, if it even comes.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Up, if it is yeah right, if it even comes up.
Speaker 4 (21:21):
Yeah right, Well, like it happened to you in the car,
like it did, Yes it did. Y. Yeah, that was
certainly not your plan.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
That was not my plan. But it all went good.
It all went exactly. Yeah, And they did meet each
other and Gea likes him very much.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
Oh good, yeah, oh good.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Let's just say that the person has been asked, would
you be my girlfriend, would you be my boyfriend? Or
you know, maybe the relationship is further down the line
and you're being asked to, you know, marry someone.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
He thought into that.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
I think it's again you got to tread lightly and
go slow. But I would use words, you know, he
and I for example, he and I are happy together.
I think he's good for me, and so we're kind
of looking down the road. You know, who knows what
life brings us, you know, the uncertainty of life. But
(22:13):
I think that, you know, I think we are good
for each other, and I want him as an example.
I want him to be good for you also, And
so that reassures the kids that they're part of the
equation now that the equation is kind of stable. And
that's the thing, is the instability of guys, you know,
in and out of the house. And I've had that
happen enough times. I've seen it happen. I should say,
(22:37):
not with me, but.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Laurie, I thought you got around, come on now.
Speaker 4 (22:48):
But so I think again, you know, going slow, not
using extreme words like always or never and that kind
of thing, which is not easy to do. But kids
need reassurance and anything you can to reassure them. At
least we feel like we're good together. And if we're
good together, then you know, I want him to be
good with you. And that's the other thing that people
(23:09):
don't think about is that the marriage or the relationship
is really the foundation for the kids. And so that
foundation has to be healthy and strong and well built
so that the kids know that they have something to
rely on. Yes, and you can do that. I mean,
that's important in a marriage, for sure, but you can
also do that in like a dating relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
Which is really important, especially if you're you know, it's
the second time around, and a lot.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
Of times the kids know, I mean, depending on the
nature of the marriage, and you know, if it's a
divorced situation, at some level they kind of know that
it's not healthy. I have a kid tell me one time,
you know, I really want my dad back in the house,
but I want him to come back different, which I
thought was very insightful. You know. So there's a sense
there that you know, this is hard on me. I
(23:54):
don't really like this, I don't like the fighting, and
blah blah blah. So I think one of the messages
you want to say and in that situation is it's
going to be different this time around. You know. That's
why I say, you know, he and I seem to
feel like we're healthy, we're good for each other, we're
healthy together, and I want it to be healthy for you.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
And it's going to be different for everybody in their situations.
You know, when when you're blending a family at all
different ages, you know, young children, adult children, that it
is important number one though, that I think when you're
bringing someone else in that there is an understanding that
and I guess it's different for everyone. But if you
are the parent, you are the parent and the child
(24:35):
needs to know, Like, I think that's important, right, Like
I'm Gia's mom, so I'm the head supporter and the
head decision maker when it comes to my daughter.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
I just feel that way.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Of course, I'm going to want my significant other to
put input. But you know, I don't know if I
would be someone that would be okay with someone else
disciplining my child, right right, But for some they are,
they're they're I know, I guess I haven't been in
a situation where I had to have someone discipline my
child because I haven't been in a relationship yet with someone.
(25:08):
I mean, that's got to be a sticky situation for
a lot it probably works and probably doesn't.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Well, there are times and sometimes the couple disagrees on
how to discipline the child. But you're right, at the
end of the day, you're the parent, you're the mom,
and you know what, you know your child better than anybody,
no matter how long you've been living together or dating
or whatever. You know, if what you're doing isn't working,
(25:35):
you can go to that other person and say, you know, jeez,
I'm not sure what to do here, you know, do
any ideas or whatever?
Speaker 3 (25:40):
Oh, for sure.
Speaker 4 (25:41):
But at the end of the day, you you are
the parent, and that person coming into the relationship does
not know your child the way you do. So and
again that's why I say, you know, depending on the
age of the child, you really should not be parenting
that child, and the two adults have to work together
(26:03):
on it, like ask for help, you know, ask for advice.
That's that's a little bit that's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
rather than somebody else who have him grown up with
that child, you know, always step again and saying well,
this is what we're not you know.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Yeah, well when raeven was you know a child, you know,
because Jobson and I were married for seventeen years. I
you know, I never took the spot of trying to
be her biological mom, right. My place was, in my mind,
was just to be there as you know, someone else
(26:35):
that loves her right and is a huge supporter of her,
and that I always made sure that she knew that
she could always come to me if maybe she didn't
feel comfortable going to you know, her mom or her dad,
just as another you know, as a friend. So that
was my take on it.
Speaker 4 (26:52):
And that's that's exactly how it should be done. That's
exactly what helps you build a long relationship with that kid.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Well, good, then I did it right.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
You did do it right?
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Oh I din't right. I did it right? Ding it?
Speaker 4 (27:05):
You did? Yes?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
And I'm uh And I just want to say I
I just you know, Raven, I'm just so so proud
of my stepdaughter.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
And I want to put it out there too.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Just because you end up getting divorced and you have
previous step children, I'm sorry, that's my She will always
be my daughter, my stepdaughter, Raven.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
She will always be in my life regardless.
Speaker 4 (27:29):
You know. Yeah, I I totally agree. I totally agree.
I mean, that's that's the way it should be because
it's in some way, at some level, you've already established
a relationship with that kid, you know, Yes, And that's
why when my stepdad called on me, no matter what
the situation was, I was always available and I would
go to the ends of the earth front yep, you know, yep.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Well in my my other side of the you know,
Travis's side of the family probably thinks I'm crazy because
I still consider.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Them like my mother in law, my sister. Well that's
who I am, though.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
You will always be that in my life, in my heart,
and if anyone has a problem with it, then I
guess you're not the person for me exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (28:11):
Well, and some people do have a problem with you.
I know it's a little weird, but you know, the
reality is those people, regardless of the divorce, are part
of your story. Yes, you know, they're part of your history. Yeah,
so why would you walk away from that? You know? So,
I totally agree with you. I think that's the best
(28:32):
case scenario.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
You've been teaching me the ways of life now for
fifteen years. So, miss RII was there when g.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
Was born again.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
My daughter was born in Kelmusey, Michigan, and Laurie takes
the time to you know, come on to the show
with us via Michigan telephone number and yeah, right, I
want to get you here in Wisconsin. I know Laurie
and Iron talks that we'd love to do a tour together.
I just think that would be so much fun.
Speaker 4 (28:59):
Oh my gosh, that would be amazing. Yeah, I would
love to do that. I know in our book, make
it Happen, Make it happen, christ I know.
Speaker 3 (29:06):
Okay, I'm out.
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Man.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
You're a lot smarter in this department, my love. I
just have a loud mouth, so that works well.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
I absolutely adore you, Lourie, Thank you so much. I
know that this is going to help out a lot
of people because the one thing that we all want
is to bring together our families and to continue with
love and respect and I know together exactly exactly.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
Well.
Speaker 3 (29:35):
I love you.
Speaker 2 (29:36):
I cannot wait to have you back on the show again.
You are very popular on the mom Squad. If you
have yet to pick up her book, you need to.
It's again Waking from the Nightmare, giving our Children Optimism.
I mean, Laurie just dive into that real quick.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
For people.
Speaker 4 (29:49):
Well, it's basically very non clinical and non technical. It's
based on my experience with the kids and what they've
taught me, and it's really it was really their urging
that I wrote it, because as they kept saying, when
we leave your office, my mom forgets what you say.
You need to write this book. So but anyway, I
tried to explain from the child's point of view how
(30:11):
it feels to be depressed, to be anxious. There's a
section on AVV and many writings by the kids that
I worked with that they voluntarily just gave me over
the years that were very, very eye opening. So it
was really a gift they gave me. And they can
email me and I can just stick it in the
mail tone and.
Speaker 3 (30:29):
Where you go, and I'll have all this on, you know,
in the podcast so people can okay with you, all
righty okay, talk to again.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
This is the matttwn Mom Squad podcast, a production of iHeartRadio.
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