Welcome To Patchwork

Josh drops a chopstick at a restaurant and, without thinking, flags down the waiter for a new one. Dion and Christian are baffled. To them, you pick it up, you wipe it, and then you keep eating. To Josh, that's grub behaviour! We try to work out where the line is between sensible hygiene and prissy fussing, and whether wiping a fork on your t-shirt actually does anything.

Then Christian gets pulled up over a request he made...

If someone offers you a hot cross bun and it arrives without fruit, have you been deceived? Christian thinks his mum needs to manage expectations better. Josh argues hot cross buns have evolved into a category, like pizza, and you should be able to ask for the variant you want. And Dion wonders why a baker's dozen exists in the first place. The boys settle nothing.

Josh has booked himself into a 40th birthday predicament. He sent a...

If you take a sandwich from a shared platter and discover you hate it, are you allowed to throw it out, or are you obligated to keep eating? Josh found himself in this exact situation with a salmon sandwich and chose to power through, whilst retching. The boys try to work out what kind of brain damage leads a man to that decision, and whether finishing your plate is a matter of politeness or a personality flaw.

Then Christian recou...

Should you accept a "congrats" for buying a house? What about moving into a rental? The boys try to work out where the line sits between earned achievement and a windfall you didn't quite deserve.

Then a debate about gift vouchers - specifically, the ethics of giving someone a voucher worth less than the service it's meant for. And should you have to factor in a plus-one when buying someone an experience? And at what age sh...

Christian notices that some of the old European men in his neighbourhood have netted their fruit trees - but left others completely uncovered. Does that mean the uncovered ones are fair game? At what point does abundance become an invitation? And is it trespassing if you're just grabbing a lemon?

The boys try to draw the line between community generosity and petty theft, working through the hierarchy of who deserves the fruit first...

Why won't Josh commit to an arrival time? When he says "I'm 25 minutes away," is that best practice or is it just forcing everyone else to do maths? And at what point does "I'm heading off now" become a riddle?

This week, a friend's shirt button pops off and ignites a surprisingly heated argument about what counts as a basic skill. Can you sew a button? Should you be able to? The boys try to define where the line sits — is it...

We're back! After 160 days away, a refreshed studio, and some very big life updates, we ease back into the important stuff - like underwear. Josh is staring down the barrel of doubling his underwear usage, and he doesn't like it. Christian walks us through his two-pair rotation system while Dion tries to map out the maths. How many pairs do you own? When do you retire a pair with a hole in it? And would you ever donate used undies?

After eight years, 150 episodes and approximately one and a half Bibles worth of words, Christian, Dion and Josh gather to celebrate the tangled quilt they’ve been slowly unravelling since 2017. This very special Patch, recorded live on YouTube on September 10, 2025, is best experienced by

We begin with Josh’s so-called “worst idea ever”: a heated debate about monitor timeout settings that morphs into a discussion about energy saving, screen burn, and whether you can feel your password in your fingers. Then Dion unveils a mysterious crack on his phone’s screen protector—but can’t recall how it happened. Josh is ...

With Dion back on the mic, we begin by questioning his curious choice to take place his call in another room but on speaker. This quickly turns into a debate about phone etiquette, hands-free habits, and whether Dion’s long-standing fear of mobile radiation is paranoia or just good prep. We also examine the strange acoustics of speaker mics, the performance of whispering taxi drivers, and th...

From coughing fits to crusty sourdoughs, this episode is made entirely of scraps - old notes, fleeting thoughts, and the kinds of ponderings that once felt too small, too odd, or too unworthy to make the cut. But today, they shine.

In this rapid-fire, patchwork-style patch, we discuss:

• The weird intimacy of bringing a list of topics to dinner
• Why Christian thinks fridges have made us forget the meaning of "fresh"
• Is putting fo...

Christian finally gets his ear pierced — but what does it mean to permanently alter your body? Is it self-expression, a longing for transformation, or simply an overdue homage to a bodybuilding uncle from childhood? Meanwhile, Josh is quietly seething at his neighbours who refuse to bring their bins in — but is it really about the bins, or about the unspoken social contract we all silently agree to uphold?

When is it ok...

With Dion away, Christian and Josh settle in for a two-hander that begins with Christian’s recent holiday — and the logistical challenge of who would feed the cats. Christian reveals he enlisted six different friends (including Josh) and provided an extensive PDF detailing every aspect of Moe and Gus’s care. We unpack the line between thoughtful preparation and over-engineering. ...

We begin this patch with Josh recounting a recent trip to the Great Australian Beer Spectacular and Dion arriving at the wrong venue, shitting himself. Which kicks off a discussion about lateness, accountability, and how best to communicate when you're running behind. Should you send an ETA, or photographic proof of your position? Is sharing a live location too passive? And do you owe other people in the queue an explanation when a...

How do you answer a phone call from someone you know? Christian insists on full name protocol, Josh still lives in landline times, and Dion’s trying to avoid getting deepfaked by AI. We discuss phone etiquette, voicemail anxiety, and the emotional scars of group chats that never end.

Then it’s off to Plenty Gorge, where Christian wears sensible activewear and Josh casually turns up in jeans. We question what counts as a...

Christian’s car is on empty, Josh’s brain is on husk, and Dion thinks a mouse has a mortgage.

Christian kicks things off by pushing his car well past the fuel light, trusting the mysterious dot-dot-dot to get him home. Josh prefers a more conservative two-thirds–full approach, and Dion shares his experience of running out of petrol almost within reach of the bowser. We compare our refuelling habits, quietly questi...

Dion has finally succumbed to caffeine dependency, and Christian and Josh interrogate his new addiction. What makes a good coffee order? Why does Dion refuse to learn the difference between a flat white and a cappuccino?

Meanwhile, Christian grapples with existential dread every morning, and Josh suggests he simply “get in the shower.” We question whether professional athletes should thank water runners, why tennis dema...

In this Patch, we crown pizza as the best party food for a large group of people before trying to define some rules around quantity, presentation and flavour. Christian feels that hosts must announce the arrival of the pizza to the party, Dion reflects on the pathetic image of guests hovering around unopened pizza boxes and we collectively ask if any other food could act in pizza's place. Josh then recounts a supermarket stakeout i...

Dion and Christian argue over whether someone can feel proud of arriving to a location on time. Josh tries to share a frustrating experience of being stuck in a queue that wasn't moving at the Australian Open but neither Dion or Christian can understand what he's saying. After some translating, we discuss the circumstances that might make someone leave a queue early and whether those circumstances change when waiting in a phone que...