September 15, 2022 • 43 mins
Amy's geeking out because she follows Dr. Becky on IG (@DrBeckyAtGoodInside) and her posts have helped Amy out numerous times...so she couldn't be more excited that Dr. Becky now has a book out!!! Before they get into what her book is all about...Amy did a little '4 Things Gratitude' icebreaker to get to know Dr. Becky better (she told us a book, tv show, food/drink, and an Instagram follow that she's currently thankful for...you will love the stuff she shares!!)
Dr. Becky's book is 'Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be' and Adam Grant's endorsement sums up nicely what you can expect from it: "Warning: reading this book might make you a better parent. Whether you're struggling to get your toddler to calm down or your teenager to open up, Becky Kennedy is a fountain of wisdom. She strikes the ideal balance between affirming your best instincts and challenging you to rethink your worst reactions."
In addition to talking about what GOOD INSIDE is all about...Amy and Dr. Becky discuss two things being true at the same time, breaking the cycle, self-care, the importance of repairs, how we define our job as parents, connecting with teens, and more!
More on what GOOD INSIDE explores:
-Prioritizing Resilience over happiness for our kids
-Creating “connection capital,” a reserve of positive feelings we hopefully build up with our children, which we can pull from in times of struggle or when the relationship between us gets strained
-Detecting and reducing shame
-Telling kids the truth and why information empowers kids, not scares them
www.GoodInside.com for all things Dr. Becky...including a link to her book!
Best places to find more about Amy: RadioAmy.com + @RadioAmy
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Okay, little food for you so life. Oh it's pretty Bay,
It's pretty beautiful. Thank you. Laugh a little moth kicking
(00:30):
four Happy Thursday, four things fam Amy here and I
am sitting across from the one the only Dr Becky Kennedy.
I am geeking out to have you on well. I
am really excited for this conversation. I was really looking
forward to it, so excited to be here. On Instagram
she is at Dr Becky good Inside, and I just
(00:53):
have to say, you're one of my favorite follows, hands down.
You have helped me numerous times. I'm very loyal, so
much so that I was hosting a mom's group at
my house for adopted moms. We meet once a month.
It's just a way to get together, no judgment bened out.
We have experts come and speak, just offering that support
to adopted or foster parents, moms in particular. But I
(01:16):
made them a little gift to take home with them,
and it was a quote from you. So I'm just
going to share it now for anyone that needs to
hear it. I laminated it. It's something you can just
they could keep in their purse or their glove box,
and it says this feels hard because it is hard,
not because I'm doing something wrong. And I love that
what you often do for us in your Instagram posts
(01:39):
and you know you have a book that is coming
out or well it's actually already out now, but you
validate our feelings and you meet us where we are
and you remind us, well, just like this here, like
parenting is hard, and as long as we're trying and
doing our best, like, we're not doing anything wrong. And
so a lot of the moms that are with me
(02:00):
that night needed to hear that so much. And speaking
of your Instagram page and posting things, you had just
posted something before our chat about mom rage. And I
also love that you're very real in that you're not
trying to come on as some expert like you've got
it all figured out and you have it perfect and
you don't experience certain things that none of us do,
(02:21):
because I think that that's the intimidating thing about some experts, like, well,
of course they have it all figured out there the expert,
but you share real life scenarios from you. Yeah, I
have a new perspective on experts since I've done this,
you know, whole Instagram book membership whatever thing, and people
now refer to me as that. I was like, well,
I'm just gonna extrapolate from my own experience that anyone
(02:41):
who portrays themselves or is portrayed as an expert into something,
it is probably just someone really working at that thing,
like they're speaking to themselves, because that's what it is
for me, Like I post things because something's hard in
my family or something I know I'm triggered by. So
I actually think probably so many people who are labeled
as experts are work in progress the rest of us.
And with that you know post that I put up
(03:03):
today on mom rage, I really think it's powerful to
think about those triggered moments, those reactive, rageful moments, as
a sign of the accumulation of our unmet needs and
so many of us as parents and definitely as for
me as a woman. Right, we think about others, We
think about others and others and others, and then we
get to a point where I swear our body screaming
(03:25):
out like what about me? And that happened to me
or was about to happen When I saw my unfolded
laundry sitting in the dryer and I just knew I
could not fold it. Like I kind of knew if
I fold this laundry, something tiny is gonna happen with
my kids later, and I know I'm gonna yell at
them because I'm just gonna be in this fried state.
(03:46):
And so I paused. I was able to recognize at
this time, and I just knew I have to take
a walk, or I have to do something to replenish myself,
because if not, I just am going to be in
a trigger state from all the pouring myself out to
everyone else around me. And for you, the self care
looks like a walk. For someone else, that might be
(04:07):
something else they enjoy doing, but you knew you needed
to step away and take that time for yourself. I
kind of did, like I I had been taking care
of my kid they're sick. I had been like in
my house a lot. Like I also feel like I
need to move, like I need to change scenery. I
actually need to move my body. I knew I didn't
want some intense exercise class. I was like, I just
need movement, and like I need to believe there's hope
(04:29):
out of this sick kids situation. And there's something about
a walk that actually enables me to like embody that
that shift in perspective. I know you talk about self
care in your new book, which is called Good Inside
and makes sense, and it's a guide to becoming the
parent that you want to be. And before we get
into the book, I would like to do a little
(04:49):
four things gratitude ice breaker with you. So if you
could share a TV show, a book and Instagram follow
and a food or drink that you are thankful for today,
we'd love to hear such a great icebreaker. I'm very
grateful for Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems. That's the book.
It's the book I referred to over and over and over.
(05:09):
I just take such inspiration from the way he understands
how our bodies and brain develop. His understanding of how
we're all made up of these kind of different parts
of ourselves, and the understanding of parts really helps us
understand our less than ideal behavior. It also really inspires
so much of the way I share with parents about
how they can help their kids from a young age.
(05:30):
So Internal Family Systems is like a Bible on my
bedside table. I'm also very grateful for Ted Lasso. I
love that show. I love the characters in it. I
love the way they prioritize connection and seeing people, and
I love the way Brendan Hunt, one of the show's producers,
has even talked about that show and the coaching style
(05:52):
and that show which has really moved away from chastising
players or yelling at them too, you know, being a
coach with firm boundaries but also really strong compassion. And
one things he says that I often think is relevant
in the parenting approach that I put out there for
Good Inside is that he he said, you know, when
responding to critics around the criticism, Oh, you're just too
(06:14):
soft on players these days. You know, you're so soft,
he says. You know, we're not soft, We're just not idiots.
The right way to motivate players has never been through
chastising them or yelling at them. And I think about
that a lot too with kids, Like, there's no way
we can get the best out of kids when we're
reflecting back the worst parts of them by yelling, by
punishing them, by setting them away. And so I think
(06:35):
about Good Inside not as soft, but as as very effective.
Well and you kind of you, well, not kind of
you do address breaking the cycle in the book, and
that's sort of what ted Lasso is doing and coaching,
breaking that cycle of this is how we're supposed to
coach and just doing a different approach, and that's that
(06:58):
always gives me energy to say, like everyone's done something
one way before me, like, oh, okay, I'm up for
a challenge. Let's let's do something totally different. Food and drink.
I'm gonna pick one food, one drink. Currently, very grateful
for my irving Irving Farm coffee. That's how I start
the day. I usually said it the night before. It's
like a treat to my tomorrow self. So I just
(07:19):
have to press the button or if I remember to
auto start it, it it will just start and be ready
for me when I wake up. And Dots pretzels are good.
Inside office is obsessed with Dots pretzels, to the point
that people have started asking me like are they a sponsor?
I was like, I wish Dots Pretzels were a sponsor,
Like that would that would be the greatest day of
my life. So they are not a sponsor, but we
always have Dots pretzels in our office and they are delicious. No,
(07:42):
they really are, hands down some of the best pretzels.
I did teacher bags last year. I guess it's time again.
I need to do some more for my kids new teachers.
But we filled up four things totes for teachers with
a bunch of fun items, and we filled them with dots.
Pretzels is like the big item because there's some good
all right. What about an Instagram follow that you're thankful for? Yes,
(08:03):
I'm gonna give three amazing women I follow who I
learned so much from and who also I've gotten to
know and are just amazing humans. And Nedri Towab, Sharon
McMahon better known as Sharon says so her Instagram handle,
and Eve rod Sky. They're all great. I can affirm that.
But if Dr Becky is endorsing, you're already good to go.
(08:24):
Everything I say in this podcast is trip Yes, Okay,
book time. I want to talk about good inside, and
I actually wanna share Adam Grant's endorsement of the book
for everyone because I thought it summed it up nicely
and it's just so kind. Said warning, Reading this book
might make you a better parent, whether you're struggling to
(08:45):
get your toddler to calm down or your teenager to
open up. Becky Kennedy is a fountain of wisdom. She
strikes the ideal balance between affirming your best instincts and
challenging you to rethink your worst reactions. And so, I'm
sure when you were reading through a lot of the
endorsements for the book, it's got to be kind of
(09:06):
crazy to see what people are saying about your work.
This has all been relatively quick for me. Like I
went from one day saying I have so many thoughts
around parenting, I'm just gonna put them on my computer
and then realizing like, wow, I have like hundreds of
pages of thoughts too. Okay, I might start on Instagram
just so my thoughts don't live on my computer hard
drive for only me to see too. Yeah, like having
(09:27):
a podcast and then realizing I had such a larger
arc I wanted to share, Like I didn't write a
book until I really felt like I have so much
more to say than I could say on Instagram, Like
there's actually a comprehensive approach that I could only actually
express in a book. And then a book, and then yeah,
reading these endorsements. It's gonna sound so cheesy, but I
(09:48):
do think a lot I stopped in my day and
think like, I am just so so lucky. I feel
so grateful that the thing that most lights me up inside,
which is thinking about families and kids and adults and
why we developed the way we do and why people
who are good inside do not so great things me
included Like that thinking space truly lights me up. It
fills me with such passion. And I now just get
(10:10):
to do that more and more of my day and
connect with more and more people. And I think the
endorsements were assigned to me of like, wow, this is just,
you know, a very fortunate chapter of my life where
I get to really live in all of these ideas.
So what is good inside? So what is good inside? So?
(10:40):
I guess the simplest way of answering that is saying,
I really do believe that people are inherently good inside.
And maybe another way of making that more concrete is
that people are doing the best they can with their
resources they have available in the moment. And as it
relates to parenting and kids, I really believe that parents
are good inside and kids are good inside. And in
(11:01):
a way this seems like an obvious idea, like I
don't know any approaches or theories to child development or
to parenting that says like, well, we believe kids are
bad inside, like explicitly, and that's why we recommend parents
do this. I mean, I don't think it's often spelled
out that clearly, but there's really a predominant behavioral control
approach to parenting in our country, right, Like time out, punishments,
(11:26):
sticker charts like these are all almost accepted as if
they're like I always feel like they're they're true, Like
it's almost like they've been brought from the fiction shelf
to the nonfiction shelf in the library, and so you
take something off the nonfiction shelf, you think it's like
the truth. It's just a theory. And you know, all
of these approaches are really about shaping child behavior and
(11:50):
controlling kids. And I don't believe, you know, we ever
really have to control anything or anyone we don't trust.
And so there's really a lot of miss trust of children,
right that you have to so you know, specifically shape
them as if that you don't have good inside that yes,
we have to help bring out, but that's very different
(12:13):
than controlling or punishing or threatening or ignoring, and so
good inside really takes that idea that kids are inherently
good inside and builds a parenting approach that is zero
percent lacks or permissive. Zero Anyone who knows us is like, yeah,
this is like actually a way I've learned to embody
(12:34):
my own authority. It's not permissive, and it's really based
on the belief that we have good kids who need
our help, not we have bad kids who are in
need of punishments. Going back to breaking the cycle, which
we mentioned a minute ago, you know, after we adopted
our two kids, sadly, it took us about two years
(12:55):
to figure out we had to do things very differently
than our parents did because we adopted older children at
that So we had two children that grew up in
an institutionalized situation in their developmental years. So my son
was there till seven. My daughter had a different experience
where she was with her birth mom till five and
a half, but then an orphanage from five and a
(13:16):
half to ten, and so they're very different. So not
only you know, we're re raising two kids that we
were bringing into our home that don't didn't have the
love and security that my husband and I had as children,
but they also had different experiences as well, and so
we couldn't just regurgitate what was done to us as kids.
(13:38):
But that's the natural go to, and we read the
adoption books and we went to the adoption training and
it's like, you know, but then you were like you
were saying, you revert back to the stuff that does
seem very true and this is how it's done and
these are the facts, and we don't sway from that.
And so, uh, once the light bulb went off and
we realized, but unfortunately, you know, we to undo some
(14:02):
stuff and reset, but it's never too late to break
that cycle. And I love that you encourage that as
well for anyone listening here. That really is I think
the most powerful and the truest message in my new
book and anything I do right, because I think there
is a lot of like fearmongering out there that can
happen in any kind of field where we're trying to
(14:23):
learn something new. Right, we can read things and it
feels like, oh, like am I a horrible person if
I messed anything up? Like why am I more anxious
than you know than before? And I think, like, just
I'll say it here, like the main message is never
too late with your kids, Like, no matter how old
your kids are, repair and reconnecting with them is always
something I really believe their bodies crave and are waiting for.
(14:48):
And there's no time that you've messed your kid up forever,
And I think that's super hopeful. I remind myself that
after I've had a day or a week or a
month of being really distracted or being really on edge, Becky, Okay,
I wasn't an acting in line with my values, and
I haven't messed up my kid forever, It's never too late.
(15:08):
I can do this. Well. Since you mentioned repairs, what
is a repair because some households have never even done
such a thing with their kids totally, so I know
it sounds like almost like a fancy word repair, Like
what are you talking about? It's a version of an apology, right,
which I know is very new for a lot of people.
Most adults I know would tell me I never got
(15:31):
an apology from a parent, Like my parents never said
the words I'm sorry, And so the idea of apologizing
or repairing with your child is going to feel super
awkward because it's so new. So let's just name that,
like right off the bat Why do we want to
repair with our kids. Well, there's a lot of reasons.
But after moments that feel bad, right, maybe we've yelled
(15:54):
at our kids, they feel bad to us too, right,
But they definitely feel bad for our kids. They feel scared,
they feel misunderstood, they feel very alone. Right. Aloneness is
the hardest thing for kids to deal with. So it's
not only that they feel scared or that they feel
unnecessarily blamed for something. They also feel alone with those feelings.
And when we repair, which is essentially going to a
(16:16):
kid and saying some version of hey, I was dressed
about a lot of things, or hey, I was upset,
and still when I'm upset, it's my responsibility to manage
my own feelings. So I can talk to you in
a respectful way. That didn't happen, and I'm sorry and
it wasn't your fault, and I'm sure that felt really
scary to you, and I love you and I'm here
(16:40):
and I know we're gonna get through this. Something like that,
you take responsibility, You name what happened, You own the
thing you can work on, and you reconnect what you're
really doing because you're adding elements to your child's experience
that we're missing, right, So you're adding compassion and connection
(17:00):
and presence and safety so that that experience of being
yelled at is it just free floating in a child's body,
you know, with a ton of distress. And so repairs
are most bang for our buck strategy. I always say, right,
we can actually go back to a moment that felt
bad and shift the way that experience actually gets carried
in a kid's body. And I've been a parent who
(17:24):
wasn't doing repairs who now is, And the difference I
see is significant. So if you're listening, you're like, oh,
I can't even picture myself doing it. You can, and
it is possible, and this is part of that breaking
that cycle, at least for us in our house. I
was kind of like, well, yeah, to your point, Becky,
(17:45):
this isn't how it was for me. And my parents
weren't bad parents, but they definitely weren't doing things to
better themselves at parents are trying to connect with me
at all. They were just doing the best with what
they could that they got from our parents, and it's
just continued to pass down and pass down, and so
you know, we had to make a decision to be
(18:07):
like no more, even though it's like fighting against because
the natural thing, at least for us that would come
up was like, well, this isn't what happened for us,
so why should we do it for them? And it's
this realization of like because we now know better and
we can do better, and our children deserve better. Yeah,
And I think the secret to repair is we actually
(18:28):
have to repair with ourselves before we repair with our kids.
And that sounds so cheesy, I know, Like I didn't
hear myself say that, like what does that even mean?
But we don't feel good after we've yelled at our kids,
Like we know those times we're like, yes, my kid
was being annoying and they didn't deserve to be screened up.
My kid was being difficult and they didn't deserve those
names that came out of my mouth, Like we know
(18:50):
those deep in our heart. And I think the reason
it's really hard to apologize to our kids is we
have to then almost reface the feelings and ourselves of
the thing we did that we then are trying to
apologize for. And if we don't want to reface those feelings,
then if we just don't apologize to our kid. We
can bury it, bury it, bury it, but we all
(19:10):
know we can't bury our feelings forever. The feelings will
always win. And so step one is grounding yourself and
the idea of like, I'm a good parent who is
having a hard time. I'm a good parent who yelled
at their kid. After this, I need to spend some
time wondering, Okay, I yelled, when did that start? Like?
Am I not taking care of my needs? Am I
frustrated in an area of my life that just kind
(19:31):
of comes out towards my kid? I do have to
think about that, and I'm still like good inside, Like
I can get through this moment now because I repaired
with myself. I can go to my kid and show
up not defensively, like, hey, I yelled at you, but
if you didn't always ask me for an extra show,
that wouldn't happen. Let me just say on air, that
is not a repair. Nope, nope, doesn't count, doesn't check
(19:53):
the box, not even closes. Right, I've said those things myself, right,
So doesn't mean you're a bad person for saying those things.
It just means it's not a repair. And that's the
kind of repair that's easiest. I think what that means is,
in some ways we're fighting an internal battle, like we
haven't actually repaired with ourselves as a first step. Something
that's really resonated with me this year in my own
(20:14):
therapy and from following you two is that two things
are true. So and that's sort of what we're discussing
here too. And why is it important for us to
always remember that we can have oppositional thoughts and feelings
at the same time. Well, I actually think that's like
the key to life. Like almost always, when we're in
(20:35):
a really bad spiral place or we're in a standstill
with a friend or a partner, we probably have a
one thing is true mentality, right, Like my partner doesn't
understand that I want to go to my family's house
for the holidays. They're the worst that way. Wait, okay, wait,
I can want to go there, and my partner can
want to go to their house. Okay, I don't know
what we're gonna do, but we can figure it out,
(20:56):
right Like, but as soon as we can hold two
truths at once and not have to choose, we probably
can move forward in almost any relationships. So there's so
many ways the idea of holding two truths that once
applies to our kids. So I would hear over and
over like the same thing, and my practice when I
work with parents individually, they'd come in kind of saying,
(21:16):
I need a new system to work with my kid,
and I've been following some system of time outs and
stickers and it's just not working. I know it. And
so then they say, okay, so my my daughter hit
her brother, so now I'm not punishing or now I'm
not sending them to a time out, so it's just
okay that they hit their brother. And I always as like, what, like,
why are the only two buckets we have? Punish or
(21:37):
it's okay? That's the one thing is true mentality, Like
there has to be something else, which is I'm going
to stop you from hitting, and I'm gonna try to
understand what led to the hitting. Both understanding doesn't mean
it's okay to hit, and making it so I can
stop the hitting doesn't mean I have to like punish
my kid, right Like, there's always a two things are
(22:00):
true mentality, And I think the quickest way to do
it is to almost put your hands out in front
of you and be like all behaviors are not okay.
Some behaviors have to be limited. Hitting is not okay. Okay,
all feelings are okay. I can understand a feeling and
intervene to stop a behavior. There's another version of two
(22:21):
things are true that came up over and over where
parents almost feel like if I'm setting a firm boundary,
my kid is not allowed to have their feelings. So
I'd say, hey, I know you want to watch another
TV show. TV time is over. You could watch another
show tomorrow, like I feel so good about my boundary,
and my kid starts crying. You know, one thing is
true mentality. I basically say, like, why are you being
(22:41):
so difficult? I told you only one show right where
I feel like my decision should dictate their feelings or
the opposite, I see my kid crying. Oh what kind
of parent makes their kids upset about this? Okay, fine, fine, Fine,
you could watch one more show versus the two things
are true mentality, um in charge of my decision, my decisions. No, oh,
(23:01):
my child's in charge of their feelings. My child has
actually allowed to be upset. Like that's a great example
of two things are true. We can even say that, hey,
two things are true. TV time is over, and you're
allowed to be upset. In fact, I even get that
you are upset. I also don't like ending TV right,
and two things are true in some ways allows us
to respect ourselves and our own decisions, and it allows
(23:24):
us to respect our kids individual feelings and experiences. You know,
another thing too that I think of when I don't
get the reaction from one of my kids that I
(23:45):
was hoping for, is my brain immediately jumps to disrespect.
And they're really not being disrespectful. I feel like they're
almost sending me a blatant message that something else is wrong.
And if I were to pause and not jump the
gun on you know, them being so disrespectful, that I
could maybe get to the root of it and then
we could move forward. Yeah, disrespect. It's it's interesting because
(24:09):
definitely respecting other people. Of course, that's like a thing.
And I also think it's a sophisticated idea in some
ways that like our four year old is reacting the
way they are because they don't respect us, Like I
always think like it's a very self center view as apparent, right, like, oh,
you're protesting and crying on the floor of the toy
store because you don't respect me, Like you're like, oh,
(24:29):
I don't respect my mom, so I'm gonna melt down
that she says I can't get a toy Like it
just it doesn't actually make sense that you break it down.
But most of us, when we acted out, probably our
parents saw that through the lens of disrespect. So we've
just been like, you know, kind of grandfathered into that interpretation.
But we can shift it right if we decenter ourselves
(24:51):
right and almost center our kids experience. We can get
curious like, oh, well, why would anybody struggle after they're
told to turn off the DV? Why would anyone struggle
when they're in a toy store to buy a present
for their friend and they see all these things that
they want and can't get right, And then we're like, oh,
that's just hard, that's like frustrating, or they feel chellis
(25:11):
or it's hard to want something and not have it.
Now we can actually intervene based on building a kid's
coping skills instead of intervening based on like proving to
ourselves that were worthy of respect right, and those a
would be very different interventions. Yeah, it's just it's definitely.
When the live bulb goes off, you're like, oh ah,
(25:31):
this is all so much more layered and complex than we,
or I can speak for myself, originally had in my head.
And that was because of my own upbringing or what
I what was modeled to me elsewhere, maybe not even
in my home, or stories that were told to me,
or things that were said to me, possibly at church,
or and that's not this isn't about church or what
(25:53):
it's told or not. But I grew up a very
certain way, like hearing a preacher from a pulpit saying
certain things on how you should parent, and it is
kind of like, you know, as a Christian now I
operate very differently, and I don't think that they meant
any harm by any means, but it's just not as
black and white. I think that's exactly right. And like
the idea of not being black and white again brings
us to that idea of like, oh, could two things
(26:15):
be true? Can it be black and white right? Can
it be red and blue right? And I think that's
actually a really liberating idea because then instead of looking
at our kids and thinking I have to be right,
we can think, like what if I'm just curious. What
if I start wondering, like why is my kid waking
up in the middle of the night, Why is my
kid hitting all of a sudden, Why is my kid
clinging to me when I leave? Right? And when we
(26:37):
get curious, we really wide in our perspective of like, oh, well,
maybe that relates to my increased work schedule, or oh
well I am pregnant. Maybe my kid notices that and
then they're more anxious. Whatever it is that all comes
from allowing ourselves to be really curious. And I think
that's one of the biggest things I love kind of
(26:57):
helping to activate and a parent is moving from place
of judgment and kind of close mindedness around why our
kids do the things they do to a place of
almost not knowing and curiosity. Yeah, the curiosity for me
has brought about so much compassion, And in those moments
where I've taken the time to be curious, I can
have more of a conversation and more of an understanding
(27:20):
and then kind of like little aha moments all the
time as a mom like oh, that totally makes sense,
And in turn, then I kind of I do the
same for myself, or you know, is it chicken before
the egg, whichever comes first. For you, maybe you already
realize this about yourself, but could you implement it with
your child? But for me, I think it was the
work that we started doing for our children that opened
(27:43):
up some things for me personally in my adult life.
That's amazing amy And like, I think that it can
really happen both ways, and that's like the synergy of it.
And I think this happens a lot, Like I hear
it from a lot of our members in the community
where they say, like, I kind of I came for
this problem with my kid, and I'm staying for myself, Like,
(28:03):
oh wait, Like I came for potty stuff. I came
to learn a potty approach that actually resonated with me.
Or I came because I heard your deeply feeling kids
workshop would be right for my kid, Okay, And then
it got my like it got my wheels turning, and
I realized, Wow, I can grow as a parent even
more than in my parenting. And I think that's what
(28:24):
you're saying. And then then you're on a really empowering
journey that's not just about your kids. Kind it goes
back to mom rage and I think it's one of
the things that I think is resonating about the good
inside approach. It's like so many parenting books and approaches like, oh,
one more thing for my kids. Okay, great, one more
thing that I'm doing for my kid. And how cool
if there's a parenting book and approach out there that
(28:44):
is as much, if not probably more for you as
an adult as it even is only for your kids.
Oh yeah, for sure. I mean, you have to be
willing to look inside yourself. You have to be open
to seeving, and sometimes when you hit rock bottom, you'll
(29:05):
take anything. And I think that's where we were, and
I was willing to just fortunately had a lot of
amazing books and experts and people in my life that
we're able to speak into me, and then people on
Instagram to like you. I really truly meant it that
you're one of my favorite follows because you have been
(29:26):
such an amazing tool on this journey, finding other people
where you can actually say to him, like, things are
not fine, and I can show you the part of
me that's not fine and it's safe, and you can
see that part as real and important. I mean, I
think that's a really critical part of any of our journey.
Definitely as parents, like it's just so hard, Like parenting,
(29:47):
I really do believe is the hardest job in the world.
I also believe it's the most important job in the world.
And so we have the hardest and most important job
in the world that we are given no formal training for,
like no real support. And then I think a lot
of women internalize the struggle as their fault as we
do as women like, oh, well, it's my fault, I
must be a bad mom, something's wrong with me. Versus, wait,
(30:08):
this is the hardest I have the hardest and most
important job in the world. Maybe I'm just not set
up for you know, what I would need, and maybe
I really need to think about how to get the
resources and support that I deserve for this really important
job that I hold. So since that season, we've been
(30:29):
extremely proactive and I see the fruit of my labor.
How do you see the difference show up? Well, first
of all, I am able to remain the calmist person
in the room at all times. So I thought that,
and this is coming from someone like I've screamed, I've yelled,
I've done all the things I've been at my wits end,
(30:49):
I have been like I've scared myself with who I
have been because it's almost was uncontrollable. I started to think,
are my hormones totally out of where? Like I would
throw things not at my children but in front of them,
Like I would slam stuff and the sink or the counter,
And I thought it was hormonal, which in a way
(31:11):
I think could be possible for some people, but for me,
I started to use as a scapegoat of like, oh, well,
clearly this is hormones, because I wouldn't act this crazy,
and well, no, it turns out it was just me.
I needed to do a little bit of work. And
once I was able to do the work and we
(31:31):
started implementing this, I would say the number one takeaway
to answer your question would be the calmness that I feel,
and then in turn, the safety and security in that
calmness that my children feel. Wow. I think that like
when we do kind of take that step and say Okay,
I'm getting that book or I'm taking that course or whatever,
(31:53):
that like little bit more of a deeper dive is
I think the biggest paradigm shift. It's like, Wow, I
actually start defining my parent winds not by my kids behavior,
but by the way I show up with sturdiness and confidence,
because I actually find that when parents have been like
doing this work for even just a little bit, they
say this is gonna sound weird, and then I hear
(32:14):
what they say, and I say, actually, this is what
everyone says, so it's not weird at all. They're like,
my win today was during my kid's tantrum. Like they
actually still had a tantrum, but I like really knew
what to do. Like I took them out of the
grocery store. I knew they had to go into the car.
I sat with them in the car. I knew it
wasn't my job to end the tantrum. I waited it out.
I watched my kid's body softened, Like I actually had
(32:36):
a win during my kid's tantrum, and it was a
better feeling then I've had in a while. And I
was like, oh, my goodness, I know exactly that feeling,
because watching yourself be a sturdy leader in a storm
is such an empowering feeling. And I feel like, I mean,
that's also what you're kind of referring to. Absolutely, I mean,
(32:57):
it is it's night and day, because when and I
wasn't having those winds, we were escalating the problem. I
see it so clearly now I'm like, oh, look what
I just did. We just completely contained this situation and
it did not ruin our entire evening, Whereas previously there
(33:18):
would have been a little fire maybe going on with
my kids, and then I would just come over thinking
I was making it better, but I would be adding gasoline.
Oh oh, throw some more gasoline on there, and next
thing you know, it's been hours and we've got a
full blue fly fire at the house. All this I'm
not literally because some people might be dealing with that,
so I'm not speaking about a literal fire, but that's
(33:41):
how it felt. And now I feel like I come
equipped as the firefighter and I knew exactly what to do. Yes,
I think that it goes back to that model of
whether we're really focused on behavioral control like time out
for this and punishment for that and stick or chart
for that, and what we really do then as we
set ourselves up to see winds as like our kids
(34:03):
behavior change, which don't get me wrong, I'm actually all
about kids behavior change, but from a place of sturdy
leadership and skill building, and it's actually I find it's
a very like disempowering thing as an adult to be
like I'm waiting for my kid to change to have
a win, Like I want my win to be based
with my eye can do right. And when we moved
from a model of behavior change to really sturdy leadership
(34:26):
as adults, then we start to find our own winds
and our whole system benefits from that. Yeah. I put
up on Instagram that I was interviewing you and asked
if any listeners had questions, and I got so many
and I tried to scroll through. I was like, I
don't even know how to pick any so I just
randomly was like, Okay, I'll pick that one. I'll pick
(34:46):
that one. So it wasn't just kind of popcorn picked.
And one that I saw multiple times had to do
with teenagers and mood. So I don't know if I
just throw out there any recommendations for teenage mood swing
because I also am raising a fifteen year old and
I feel like there's times where the pendulum swings. I
try to remember me as a teenager, and I definitely
(35:08):
recall my mom saying that there will be payback because
I was not an easy teenager. So do you have
any thoughts on how to meet the team where they
are if they are in a huge mood swing. So
one thing I'll say that, like I really find again
kind of differentiating about the good side approach is it's
(35:29):
one approach that you can learn that is going to
help you for all of your kids years and they're
adult years, right, Because would I'll go over in terms
of how I'd intervened during that moment with their teen like,
it is no different from how I'd intervene in that
moment with the toddler, Like, It's really just an extension
of the same principle. So it builds on itself. So
I think we have to start with family jobs, Like
(35:51):
what does a parents job. Apparents job is setting boundaries,
which really helps keep kids safe and makes kind of
apparent in charge of core decisions. And our other job
not a nice to have, but our job is to
validate and empathize with our kids feelings. Those two jobs
together help our kids feel real and loved and safe.
(36:12):
And so what would that look like during a teenager's
mood swings? Whatever that means? Well, we can set a
boundary depending on what it is in our relationship with
our kid in that moment, whatever feels right. It might be, Hey,
I know you're upset about something, and that's real, and
I know you can find another way to say that
to me, or hey, you must be really upset about
something to be saying that to me. Right, there's like
(36:33):
just naming what's happening is like almost a version of
like a verbal boundary. Right, So let's keep going. Let's
say my kid is quote, let me say, having a
mood swing is probably treating me with like sass or
something I deem is disrespect. Right, So I might say, well,
you must be really upset about something to be talking
that way to me, And I have a feeling it's
you know, about more than my asking you to clear
your play from the table. I know I need a
(36:55):
minute to calm my body. You might also let's both
take a little of time, come back together and figure
out a way of talking about this, or we could
actually work together as a team. I think the idea
of team all the time with kids is really really important.
Me and my kids are on the same team. I
always think what's critical is moving from looking at my
(37:16):
kid as the problem to looking at my kid like
it's me and my kid against a common problem, and
I think that is critical with teens. So we have
to see this as this is me as my me
and my team working against some problem. Maybe it's the
issues they have with the curfew, or their problem they're
having a math class, or the fact that I won't
(37:38):
let them stay out as late as their friends, whatever
it is, but it's me and my team against that problem,
not me against my teen who is the problem. I
love the idea of taking space and reconvening having a
team meeting, but space is so crucial A hundred. I mean,
I'm big on letting our kids know that we are
(38:01):
there for them and we're not abandoning them. And at
the same time, we could get a little too literal,
right like, that doesn't mean I have to stay in
front of my teenager while they break me. That's not
good for anybody. They feel like they're overpowering us anyway.
So yeah, you're always allowed to say and I would
encourage someone to say, hey, I need a couple of
minutes to calm down my body and get to a
commonplace so we can actually talk this through together. But
(38:23):
I want to just model. It's very different than saying,
you know, you're turning me into a witch or you know,
who could stay in a room with someone who's speaking
like that, right, Like owning our emotions and our emotional
needs is very very regulating to a kid, to anybody else,
and feels very sturdy. Criticizing someone else or blaming someone
(38:45):
else for your out of control feelings ends up feeling
really really bad to most other people. I mean, that's
the thing. Yeah, we could carry into any relationship, not
just parenting, Yes, for sure. And I felt since I
have open myself up to owning more in sometimes in
a repair or sometimes just in a situation, I'm modeling
(39:08):
to my kids like it's okay to own and take
responsibility for your actions and to assess what you've done
or and then maybe they'll model that not only later
on with their kids, but with their friendships and with
their teachers or in other relationships at school. Yeah, I mean,
I think that's so often from a model of behavioral control.
(39:31):
There's also a model of like power, right, where parents
kind of have power whatever that means, right, And in
that model, parents were like, well, if I apologize or
own my feelings. I'm like losing power right relative to
my kids. Well, I don't think in terms of power
in that way. I think in terms of a connection,
and I think in terms of modeling and building circuits.
(39:54):
And I think about how many parents say to their kids,
like stop blaming your sister, Like, Okay, she said something
to you, but you hit her. Stop blaming her, right,
just take ownership, Just say I'm sorry. Well, our kids
learn how to deal with their own emotions from many things.
One of those things is how we deal with our
own and our kids know when we fly off the handle,
and our kids know whether we end up saying, hey,
(40:16):
that was a me thing, I'm still upset that you
whatever didn't clean your room. We all know there's many
ways I could have told you I was upset, and
it's not okay to talk to people in the way
I talked to you. And I'm gonna be working on
managing my frustration. And I'm really sorry write like something
like that. It's not only reparative to your relationship, it
actually models the behavior for our kids that we really
(40:36):
really think I'll want from them. I love it. Well,
I feel like I could talk to you all day long.
But people can find more from you on Instagram at
Dr Becky Good Inside, and then in your book, which
I'm linking it in the show notes. It'll be easy
to find or you can hit up good Inside dot com.
But I love that it's all just good inside. Everything's nothing.
(40:58):
You know, it's Dr Becky because the book is good inside,
and again it's a guy to becoming the parent that
you want to be and as a parent that has
been working really hard. I just want to also remind
you and encourage you that it's not too late. If
you feel overwhelmed, that is okay. Just take some time,
do your breathing exercises, go for your walk, and then
(41:20):
just one day at a time, get the book and
you just one new concept at a time for you
and spend some time with it. It's not going to
happen overnight. You have to be incredibly patient with yourself
and then you'll start to see, like Becky and I
were talking about, you'll you'll have a moment where you're like, oh, wow,
I did this one a win. I think that's exactly right.
(41:40):
It's never too late, and maybe find one time today
where you define a win for yourself that is not
dependent on someone else's behavior. So you might say, oh,
what am I gonna do? My daughter always gets upset
once she has her mouth onwork. Okay, well, I'm not
going to define the wind by my daughter being calm,
Like that's just too powerless as an adult to base
(42:01):
my mood on an eight year old. I'm gonna define
my win as going in there. And I just want
to say to her, I know this is hard, and
I know you're a kid who can do hard things,
and I know we can figure it out together. I'm
making that up, but like, let's say that was the
thing I really wanted to say. I'm going to say
that to my daughter later, and then at some point
later I'm gonna pause and say, Becky, you know what
(42:22):
I did that thing, And whether or not she's still
at a hard time, that made a difference. That's still
registered and that is a win. And I promise you
those types of winds, when you, you know, do a
little bit here and there one a day on a week,
that they add up and lead to a really, really
big change. I love that you tied that into being
a good inside type parent and how coaching doesn't have
(42:45):
to be this one way, and parenting doesn't have to
be this one way, hud, And thank you for having
me and all your listeners. Like, you know, if you're
spending time listening to this podcast, like I think you're
doing so much right, Like you're reflecting your open you're here,
you chose to spend your time this way, and so
I just encourage you all to pause and and notice
(43:06):
that about yourself, right, notice this thing that you really did.
It's already a lot. Well. Thank you, Dr Becky and
I will see you on Instagram. See you soon, Amy.
Thank you
Okay, little food for you so life. Oh it's pretty Bay,
It's pretty beautiful. Thank you. Laugh a little moth kicking
(00:30):
four Happy Thursday, four things fam Amy here and I
am sitting across from the one the only Dr Becky Kennedy.
I am geeking out to have you on well. I
am really excited for this conversation. I was really looking
forward to it, so excited to be here. On Instagram
she is at Dr Becky good Inside, and I just
(00:53):
have to say, you're one of my favorite follows, hands down.
You have helped me numerous times. I'm very loyal, so
much so that I was hosting a mom's group at
my house for adopted moms. We meet once a month.
It's just a way to get together, no judgment bened out.
We have experts come and speak, just offering that support
to adopted or foster parents, moms in particular. But I
(01:16):
made them a little gift to take home with them,
and it was a quote from you. So I'm just
going to share it now for anyone that needs to
hear it. I laminated it. It's something you can just
they could keep in their purse or their glove box,
and it says this feels hard because it is hard,
not because I'm doing something wrong. And I love that
what you often do for us in your Instagram posts
(01:39):
and you know you have a book that is coming
out or well it's actually already out now, but you
validate our feelings and you meet us where we are
and you remind us, well, just like this here, like
parenting is hard, and as long as we're trying and
doing our best, like, we're not doing anything wrong. And
so a lot of the moms that are with me
(02:00):
that night needed to hear that so much. And speaking
of your Instagram page and posting things, you had just
posted something before our chat about mom rage. And I
also love that you're very real in that you're not
trying to come on as some expert like you've got
it all figured out and you have it perfect and
you don't experience certain things that none of us do,
(02:21):
because I think that that's the intimidating thing about some experts, like, well,
of course they have it all figured out there the expert,
but you share real life scenarios from you. Yeah, I
have a new perspective on experts since I've done this,
you know, whole Instagram book membership whatever thing, and people
now refer to me as that. I was like, well,
I'm just gonna extrapolate from my own experience that anyone
(02:41):
who portrays themselves or is portrayed as an expert into something,
it is probably just someone really working at that thing,
like they're speaking to themselves, because that's what it is
for me, Like I post things because something's hard in
my family or something I know I'm triggered by. So
I actually think probably so many people who are labeled
as experts are work in progress the rest of us.
And with that you know post that I put up
(03:03):
today on mom rage, I really think it's powerful to
think about those triggered moments, those reactive, rageful moments, as
a sign of the accumulation of our unmet needs and
so many of us as parents and definitely as for
me as a woman. Right, we think about others, We
think about others and others and others, and then we
get to a point where I swear our body screaming
(03:25):
out like what about me? And that happened to me
or was about to happen When I saw my unfolded
laundry sitting in the dryer and I just knew I
could not fold it. Like I kind of knew if
I fold this laundry, something tiny is gonna happen with
my kids later, and I know I'm gonna yell at
them because I'm just gonna be in this fried state.
(03:46):
And so I paused. I was able to recognize at
this time, and I just knew I have to take
a walk, or I have to do something to replenish myself,
because if not, I just am going to be in
a trigger state from all the pouring myself out to
everyone else around me. And for you, the self care
looks like a walk. For someone else, that might be
(04:07):
something else they enjoy doing, but you knew you needed
to step away and take that time for yourself. I
kind of did, like I I had been taking care
of my kid they're sick. I had been like in
my house a lot. Like I also feel like I
need to move, like I need to change scenery. I
actually need to move my body. I knew I didn't
want some intense exercise class. I was like, I just
need movement, and like I need to believe there's hope
(04:29):
out of this sick kids situation. And there's something about
a walk that actually enables me to like embody that
that shift in perspective. I know you talk about self
care in your new book, which is called Good Inside
and makes sense, and it's a guide to becoming the
parent that you want to be. And before we get
into the book, I would like to do a little
(04:49):
four things gratitude ice breaker with you. So if you
could share a TV show, a book and Instagram follow
and a food or drink that you are thankful for today,
we'd love to hear such a great icebreaker. I'm very
grateful for Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems. That's the book.
It's the book I referred to over and over and over.
(05:09):
I just take such inspiration from the way he understands
how our bodies and brain develop. His understanding of how
we're all made up of these kind of different parts
of ourselves, and the understanding of parts really helps us
understand our less than ideal behavior. It also really inspires
so much of the way I share with parents about
how they can help their kids from a young age.
(05:30):
So Internal Family Systems is like a Bible on my
bedside table. I'm also very grateful for Ted Lasso. I
love that show. I love the characters in it. I
love the way they prioritize connection and seeing people, and
I love the way Brendan Hunt, one of the show's producers,
has even talked about that show and the coaching style
(05:52):
and that show which has really moved away from chastising
players or yelling at them too, you know, being a
coach with firm boundaries but also really strong compassion. And
one things he says that I often think is relevant
in the parenting approach that I put out there for
Good Inside is that he he said, you know, when
responding to critics around the criticism, Oh, you're just too
(06:14):
soft on players these days. You know, you're so soft,
he says. You know, we're not soft, We're just not idiots.
The right way to motivate players has never been through
chastising them or yelling at them. And I think about
that a lot too with kids, Like, there's no way
we can get the best out of kids when we're
reflecting back the worst parts of them by yelling, by
punishing them, by setting them away. And so I think
(06:35):
about Good Inside not as soft, but as as very effective.
Well and you kind of you, well, not kind of
you do address breaking the cycle in the book, and
that's sort of what ted Lasso is doing and coaching,
breaking that cycle of this is how we're supposed to
coach and just doing a different approach, and that's that
(06:58):
always gives me energy to say, like everyone's done something
one way before me, like, oh, okay, I'm up for
a challenge. Let's let's do something totally different. Food and drink.
I'm gonna pick one food, one drink. Currently, very grateful
for my irving Irving Farm coffee. That's how I start
the day. I usually said it the night before. It's
like a treat to my tomorrow self. So I just
(07:19):
have to press the button or if I remember to
auto start it, it it will just start and be ready
for me when I wake up. And Dots pretzels are good.
Inside office is obsessed with Dots pretzels, to the point
that people have started asking me like are they a sponsor?
I was like, I wish Dots Pretzels were a sponsor,
Like that would that would be the greatest day of
my life. So they are not a sponsor, but we
always have Dots pretzels in our office and they are delicious. No,
(07:42):
they really are, hands down some of the best pretzels.
I did teacher bags last year. I guess it's time again.
I need to do some more for my kids new teachers.
But we filled up four things totes for teachers with
a bunch of fun items, and we filled them with dots.
Pretzels is like the big item because there's some good
all right. What about an Instagram follow that you're thankful for? Yes,
(08:03):
I'm gonna give three amazing women I follow who I
learned so much from and who also I've gotten to
know and are just amazing humans. And Nedri Towab, Sharon
McMahon better known as Sharon says so her Instagram handle,
and Eve rod Sky. They're all great. I can affirm that.
But if Dr Becky is endorsing, you're already good to go.
(08:24):
Everything I say in this podcast is trip Yes, Okay,
book time. I want to talk about good inside, and
I actually wanna share Adam Grant's endorsement of the book
for everyone because I thought it summed it up nicely
and it's just so kind. Said warning, Reading this book
might make you a better parent, whether you're struggling to
(08:45):
get your toddler to calm down or your teenager to
open up. Becky Kennedy is a fountain of wisdom. She
strikes the ideal balance between affirming your best instincts and
challenging you to rethink your worst reactions. And so, I'm
sure when you were reading through a lot of the
endorsements for the book, it's got to be kind of
(09:06):
crazy to see what people are saying about your work.
This has all been relatively quick for me. Like I
went from one day saying I have so many thoughts
around parenting, I'm just gonna put them on my computer
and then realizing like, wow, I have like hundreds of
pages of thoughts too. Okay, I might start on Instagram
just so my thoughts don't live on my computer hard
drive for only me to see too. Yeah, like having
(09:27):
a podcast and then realizing I had such a larger
arc I wanted to share, Like I didn't write a
book until I really felt like I have so much
more to say than I could say on Instagram, Like
there's actually a comprehensive approach that I could only actually
express in a book. And then a book, and then yeah,
reading these endorsements. It's gonna sound so cheesy, but I
(09:48):
do think a lot I stopped in my day and
think like, I am just so so lucky. I feel
so grateful that the thing that most lights me up inside,
which is thinking about families and kids and adults and
why we developed the way we do and why people
who are good inside do not so great things me
included Like that thinking space truly lights me up. It
fills me with such passion. And I now just get
(10:10):
to do that more and more of my day and
connect with more and more people. And I think the
endorsements were assigned to me of like, wow, this is just,
you know, a very fortunate chapter of my life where
I get to really live in all of these ideas.
So what is good inside? So what is good inside? So?
(10:40):
I guess the simplest way of answering that is saying,
I really do believe that people are inherently good inside.
And maybe another way of making that more concrete is
that people are doing the best they can with their
resources they have available in the moment. And as it
relates to parenting and kids, I really believe that parents
are good inside and kids are good inside. And in
(11:01):
a way this seems like an obvious idea, like I
don't know any approaches or theories to child development or
to parenting that says like, well, we believe kids are
bad inside, like explicitly, and that's why we recommend parents
do this. I mean, I don't think it's often spelled
out that clearly, but there's really a predominant behavioral control
approach to parenting in our country, right, Like time out, punishments,
(11:26):
sticker charts like these are all almost accepted as if
they're like I always feel like they're they're true, Like
it's almost like they've been brought from the fiction shelf
to the nonfiction shelf in the library, and so you
take something off the nonfiction shelf, you think it's like
the truth. It's just a theory. And you know, all
of these approaches are really about shaping child behavior and
(11:50):
controlling kids. And I don't believe, you know, we ever
really have to control anything or anyone we don't trust.
And so there's really a lot of miss trust of children,
right that you have to so you know, specifically shape
them as if that you don't have good inside that yes,
we have to help bring out, but that's very different
(12:13):
than controlling or punishing or threatening or ignoring, and so
good inside really takes that idea that kids are inherently
good inside and builds a parenting approach that is zero
percent lacks or permissive. Zero Anyone who knows us is like, yeah,
this is like actually a way I've learned to embody
(12:34):
my own authority. It's not permissive, and it's really based
on the belief that we have good kids who need
our help, not we have bad kids who are in
need of punishments. Going back to breaking the cycle, which
we mentioned a minute ago, you know, after we adopted
our two kids, sadly, it took us about two years
(12:55):
to figure out we had to do things very differently
than our parents did because we adopted older children at
that So we had two children that grew up in
an institutionalized situation in their developmental years. So my son
was there till seven. My daughter had a different experience
where she was with her birth mom till five and
a half, but then an orphanage from five and a
(13:16):
half to ten, and so they're very different. So not
only you know, we're re raising two kids that we
were bringing into our home that don't didn't have the
love and security that my husband and I had as children,
but they also had different experiences as well, and so
we couldn't just regurgitate what was done to us as kids.
(13:38):
But that's the natural go to, and we read the
adoption books and we went to the adoption training and
it's like, you know, but then you were like you
were saying, you revert back to the stuff that does
seem very true and this is how it's done and
these are the facts, and we don't sway from that.
And so, uh, once the light bulb went off and
we realized, but unfortunately, you know, we to undo some
(14:02):
stuff and reset, but it's never too late to break
that cycle. And I love that you encourage that as
well for anyone listening here. That really is I think
the most powerful and the truest message in my new
book and anything I do right, because I think there
is a lot of like fearmongering out there that can
happen in any kind of field where we're trying to
(14:23):
learn something new. Right, we can read things and it
feels like, oh, like am I a horrible person if
I messed anything up? Like why am I more anxious
than you know than before? And I think, like, just
I'll say it here, like the main message is never
too late with your kids, Like, no matter how old
your kids are, repair and reconnecting with them is always
something I really believe their bodies crave and are waiting for.
(14:48):
And there's no time that you've messed your kid up forever,
And I think that's super hopeful. I remind myself that
after I've had a day or a week or a
month of being really distracted or being really on edge, Becky, Okay,
I wasn't an acting in line with my values, and
I haven't messed up my kid forever, It's never too late.
(15:08):
I can do this. Well. Since you mentioned repairs, what
is a repair because some households have never even done
such a thing with their kids totally, so I know
it sounds like almost like a fancy word repair, Like
what are you talking about? It's a version of an apology, right,
which I know is very new for a lot of people.
Most adults I know would tell me I never got
(15:31):
an apology from a parent, Like my parents never said
the words I'm sorry, And so the idea of apologizing
or repairing with your child is going to feel super
awkward because it's so new. So let's just name that,
like right off the bat Why do we want to
repair with our kids. Well, there's a lot of reasons.
But after moments that feel bad, right, maybe we've yelled
(15:54):
at our kids, they feel bad to us too, right,
But they definitely feel bad for our kids. They feel scared,
they feel misunderstood, they feel very alone. Right. Aloneness is
the hardest thing for kids to deal with. So it's
not only that they feel scared or that they feel
unnecessarily blamed for something. They also feel alone with those feelings.
And when we repair, which is essentially going to a
(16:16):
kid and saying some version of hey, I was dressed
about a lot of things, or hey, I was upset,
and still when I'm upset, it's my responsibility to manage
my own feelings. So I can talk to you in
a respectful way. That didn't happen, and I'm sorry and
it wasn't your fault, and I'm sure that felt really
scary to you, and I love you and I'm here
(16:40):
and I know we're gonna get through this. Something like that,
you take responsibility, You name what happened, You own the
thing you can work on, and you reconnect what you're
really doing because you're adding elements to your child's experience
that we're missing, right, So you're adding compassion and connection
(17:00):
and presence and safety so that that experience of being
yelled at is it just free floating in a child's body,
you know, with a ton of distress. And so repairs
are most bang for our buck strategy. I always say, right,
we can actually go back to a moment that felt
bad and shift the way that experience actually gets carried
in a kid's body. And I've been a parent who
(17:24):
wasn't doing repairs who now is, And the difference I
see is significant. So if you're listening, you're like, oh,
I can't even picture myself doing it. You can, and
it is possible, and this is part of that breaking
that cycle, at least for us in our house. I
was kind of like, well, yeah, to your point, Becky,
(17:45):
this isn't how it was for me. And my parents
weren't bad parents, but they definitely weren't doing things to
better themselves at parents are trying to connect with me
at all. They were just doing the best with what
they could that they got from our parents, and it's
just continued to pass down and pass down, and so
you know, we had to make a decision to be
(18:07):
like no more, even though it's like fighting against because
the natural thing, at least for us that would come
up was like, well, this isn't what happened for us,
so why should we do it for them? And it's
this realization of like because we now know better and
we can do better, and our children deserve better. Yeah,
And I think the secret to repair is we actually
(18:28):
have to repair with ourselves before we repair with our kids.
And that sounds so cheesy, I know, Like I didn't
hear myself say that, like what does that even mean?
But we don't feel good after we've yelled at our kids,
Like we know those times we're like, yes, my kid
was being annoying and they didn't deserve to be screened up.
My kid was being difficult and they didn't deserve those
names that came out of my mouth, Like we know
(18:50):
those deep in our heart. And I think the reason
it's really hard to apologize to our kids is we
have to then almost reface the feelings and ourselves of
the thing we did that we then are trying to
apologize for. And if we don't want to reface those feelings,
then if we just don't apologize to our kid. We
can bury it, bury it, bury it, but we all
(19:10):
know we can't bury our feelings forever. The feelings will
always win. And so step one is grounding yourself and
the idea of like, I'm a good parent who is
having a hard time. I'm a good parent who yelled
at their kid. After this, I need to spend some
time wondering, Okay, I yelled, when did that start? Like?
Am I not taking care of my needs? Am I
frustrated in an area of my life that just kind
(19:31):
of comes out towards my kid? I do have to
think about that, and I'm still like good inside, Like
I can get through this moment now because I repaired
with myself. I can go to my kid and show
up not defensively, like, hey, I yelled at you, but
if you didn't always ask me for an extra show,
that wouldn't happen. Let me just say on air, that
is not a repair. Nope, nope, doesn't count, doesn't check
(19:53):
the box, not even closes. Right, I've said those things myself, right,
So doesn't mean you're a bad person for saying those things.
It just means it's not a repair. And that's the
kind of repair that's easiest. I think what that means is,
in some ways we're fighting an internal battle, like we
haven't actually repaired with ourselves as a first step. Something
that's really resonated with me this year in my own
(20:14):
therapy and from following you two is that two things
are true. So and that's sort of what we're discussing
here too. And why is it important for us to
always remember that we can have oppositional thoughts and feelings
at the same time. Well, I actually think that's like
the key to life. Like almost always, when we're in
(20:35):
a really bad spiral place or we're in a standstill
with a friend or a partner, we probably have a
one thing is true mentality, right, Like my partner doesn't
understand that I want to go to my family's house
for the holidays. They're the worst that way. Wait, okay, wait,
I can want to go there, and my partner can
want to go to their house. Okay, I don't know
what we're gonna do, but we can figure it out,
(20:56):
right Like, but as soon as we can hold two
truths at once and not have to choose, we probably
can move forward in almost any relationships. So there's so
many ways the idea of holding two truths that once
applies to our kids. So I would hear over and
over like the same thing, and my practice when I
work with parents individually, they'd come in kind of saying,
(21:16):
I need a new system to work with my kid,
and I've been following some system of time outs and
stickers and it's just not working. I know it. And
so then they say, okay, so my my daughter hit
her brother, so now I'm not punishing or now I'm
not sending them to a time out, so it's just
okay that they hit their brother. And I always as like, what, like,
why are the only two buckets we have? Punish or
(21:37):
it's okay? That's the one thing is true mentality, Like
there has to be something else, which is I'm going
to stop you from hitting, and I'm gonna try to
understand what led to the hitting. Both understanding doesn't mean
it's okay to hit, and making it so I can
stop the hitting doesn't mean I have to like punish
my kid, right Like, there's always a two things are
(22:00):
true mentality, And I think the quickest way to do
it is to almost put your hands out in front
of you and be like all behaviors are not okay.
Some behaviors have to be limited. Hitting is not okay. Okay,
all feelings are okay. I can understand a feeling and
intervene to stop a behavior. There's another version of two
(22:21):
things are true that came up over and over where
parents almost feel like if I'm setting a firm boundary,
my kid is not allowed to have their feelings. So
I'd say, hey, I know you want to watch another
TV show. TV time is over. You could watch another
show tomorrow, like I feel so good about my boundary,
and my kid starts crying. You know, one thing is
true mentality. I basically say, like, why are you being
(22:41):
so difficult? I told you only one show right where
I feel like my decision should dictate their feelings or
the opposite, I see my kid crying. Oh what kind
of parent makes their kids upset about this? Okay, fine, fine, Fine,
you could watch one more show versus the two things
are true mentality, um in charge of my decision, my decisions. No, oh,
(23:01):
my child's in charge of their feelings. My child has
actually allowed to be upset. Like that's a great example
of two things are true. We can even say that, hey,
two things are true. TV time is over, and you're
allowed to be upset. In fact, I even get that
you are upset. I also don't like ending TV right,
and two things are true in some ways allows us
to respect ourselves and our own decisions, and it allows
(23:24):
us to respect our kids individual feelings and experiences. You know,
another thing too that I think of when I don't
get the reaction from one of my kids that I
(23:45):
was hoping for, is my brain immediately jumps to disrespect.
And they're really not being disrespectful. I feel like they're
almost sending me a blatant message that something else is wrong.
And if I were to pause and not jump the
gun on you know, them being so disrespectful, that I
could maybe get to the root of it and then
we could move forward. Yeah, disrespect. It's it's interesting because
(24:09):
definitely respecting other people. Of course, that's like a thing.
And I also think it's a sophisticated idea in some
ways that like our four year old is reacting the
way they are because they don't respect us, Like I
always think like it's a very self center view as apparent, right, like, oh,
you're protesting and crying on the floor of the toy
store because you don't respect me, Like you're like, oh,
(24:29):
I don't respect my mom, so I'm gonna melt down
that she says I can't get a toy Like it
just it doesn't actually make sense that you break it down.
But most of us, when we acted out, probably our
parents saw that through the lens of disrespect. So we've
just been like, you know, kind of grandfathered into that interpretation.
But we can shift it right if we decenter ourselves
(24:51):
right and almost center our kids experience. We can get
curious like, oh, well, why would anybody struggle after they're
told to turn off the DV? Why would anyone struggle
when they're in a toy store to buy a present
for their friend and they see all these things that
they want and can't get right, And then we're like, oh,
that's just hard, that's like frustrating, or they feel chellis
(25:11):
or it's hard to want something and not have it.
Now we can actually intervene based on building a kid's
coping skills instead of intervening based on like proving to
ourselves that were worthy of respect right, and those a
would be very different interventions. Yeah, it's just it's definitely.
When the live bulb goes off, you're like, oh ah,
(25:31):
this is all so much more layered and complex than we,
or I can speak for myself, originally had in my head.
And that was because of my own upbringing or what
I what was modeled to me elsewhere, maybe not even
in my home, or stories that were told to me,
or things that were said to me, possibly at church,
or and that's not this isn't about church or what
(25:53):
it's told or not. But I grew up a very
certain way, like hearing a preacher from a pulpit saying
certain things on how you should parent, and it is
kind of like, you know, as a Christian now I
operate very differently, and I don't think that they meant
any harm by any means, but it's just not as
black and white. I think that's exactly right. And like
the idea of not being black and white again brings
us to that idea of like, oh, could two things
(26:15):
be true? Can it be black and white right? Can
it be red and blue right? And I think that's
actually a really liberating idea because then instead of looking
at our kids and thinking I have to be right,
we can think, like what if I'm just curious. What
if I start wondering, like why is my kid waking
up in the middle of the night, Why is my
kid hitting all of a sudden, Why is my kid
clinging to me when I leave? Right? And when we
(26:37):
get curious, we really wide in our perspective of like, oh, well,
maybe that relates to my increased work schedule, or oh
well I am pregnant. Maybe my kid notices that and
then they're more anxious. Whatever it is that all comes
from allowing ourselves to be really curious. And I think
that's one of the biggest things I love kind of
(26:57):
helping to activate and a parent is moving from place
of judgment and kind of close mindedness around why our
kids do the things they do to a place of
almost not knowing and curiosity. Yeah, the curiosity for me
has brought about so much compassion, And in those moments
where I've taken the time to be curious, I can
have more of a conversation and more of an understanding
(27:20):
and then kind of like little aha moments all the
time as a mom like oh, that totally makes sense,
And in turn, then I kind of I do the
same for myself, or you know, is it chicken before
the egg, whichever comes first. For you, maybe you already
realize this about yourself, but could you implement it with
your child? But for me, I think it was the
work that we started doing for our children that opened
(27:43):
up some things for me personally in my adult life.
That's amazing amy And like, I think that it can
really happen both ways, and that's like the synergy of it.
And I think this happens a lot, Like I hear
it from a lot of our members in the community
where they say, like, I kind of I came for
this problem with my kid, and I'm staying for myself, Like,
(28:03):
oh wait, Like I came for potty stuff. I came
to learn a potty approach that actually resonated with me.
Or I came because I heard your deeply feeling kids
workshop would be right for my kid, Okay, And then
it got my like it got my wheels turning, and
I realized, Wow, I can grow as a parent even
more than in my parenting. And I think that's what
(28:24):
you're saying. And then then you're on a really empowering
journey that's not just about your kids. Kind it goes
back to mom rage and I think it's one of
the things that I think is resonating about the good
inside approach. It's like so many parenting books and approaches like, oh,
one more thing for my kids. Okay, great, one more
thing that I'm doing for my kid. And how cool
if there's a parenting book and approach out there that
(28:44):
is as much, if not probably more for you as
an adult as it even is only for your kids.
Oh yeah, for sure. I mean, you have to be
willing to look inside yourself. You have to be open
to seeving, and sometimes when you hit rock bottom, you'll
(29:05):
take anything. And I think that's where we were, and
I was willing to just fortunately had a lot of
amazing books and experts and people in my life that
we're able to speak into me, and then people on
Instagram to like you. I really truly meant it that
you're one of my favorite follows because you have been
(29:26):
such an amazing tool on this journey, finding other people
where you can actually say to him, like, things are
not fine, and I can show you the part of
me that's not fine and it's safe, and you can
see that part as real and important. I mean, I
think that's a really critical part of any of our journey.
Definitely as parents, like it's just so hard, Like parenting,
(29:47):
I really do believe is the hardest job in the world.
I also believe it's the most important job in the world.
And so we have the hardest and most important job
in the world that we are given no formal training for,
like no real support. And then I think a lot
of women internalize the struggle as their fault as we
do as women like, oh, well, it's my fault, I
must be a bad mom, something's wrong with me. Versus, wait,
(30:08):
this is the hardest I have the hardest and most
important job in the world. Maybe I'm just not set
up for you know, what I would need, and maybe
I really need to think about how to get the
resources and support that I deserve for this really important
job that I hold. So since that season, we've been
(30:29):
extremely proactive and I see the fruit of my labor.
How do you see the difference show up? Well, first
of all, I am able to remain the calmist person
in the room at all times. So I thought that,
and this is coming from someone like I've screamed, I've yelled,
I've done all the things I've been at my wits end,
(30:49):
I have been like I've scared myself with who I
have been because it's almost was uncontrollable. I started to think,
are my hormones totally out of where? Like I would
throw things not at my children but in front of them,
Like I would slam stuff and the sink or the counter,
And I thought it was hormonal, which in a way
(31:11):
I think could be possible for some people, but for me,
I started to use as a scapegoat of like, oh, well,
clearly this is hormones, because I wouldn't act this crazy,
and well, no, it turns out it was just me.
I needed to do a little bit of work. And
once I was able to do the work and we
(31:31):
started implementing this, I would say the number one takeaway
to answer your question would be the calmness that I feel,
and then in turn, the safety and security in that
calmness that my children feel. Wow. I think that like
when we do kind of take that step and say Okay,
I'm getting that book or I'm taking that course or whatever,
(31:53):
that like little bit more of a deeper dive is
I think the biggest paradigm shift. It's like, Wow, I
actually start defining my parent winds not by my kids behavior,
but by the way I show up with sturdiness and confidence,
because I actually find that when parents have been like
doing this work for even just a little bit, they
say this is gonna sound weird, and then I hear
(32:14):
what they say, and I say, actually, this is what
everyone says, so it's not weird at all. They're like,
my win today was during my kid's tantrum. Like they
actually still had a tantrum, but I like really knew
what to do. Like I took them out of the
grocery store. I knew they had to go into the car.
I sat with them in the car. I knew it
wasn't my job to end the tantrum. I waited it out.
I watched my kid's body softened, Like I actually had
(32:36):
a win during my kid's tantrum, and it was a
better feeling then I've had in a while. And I
was like, oh, my goodness, I know exactly that feeling,
because watching yourself be a sturdy leader in a storm
is such an empowering feeling. And I feel like, I mean,
that's also what you're kind of referring to. Absolutely, I mean,
(32:57):
it is it's night and day, because when and I
wasn't having those winds, we were escalating the problem. I
see it so clearly now I'm like, oh, look what
I just did. We just completely contained this situation and
it did not ruin our entire evening, Whereas previously there
(33:18):
would have been a little fire maybe going on with
my kids, and then I would just come over thinking
I was making it better, but I would be adding gasoline.
Oh oh, throw some more gasoline on there, and next
thing you know, it's been hours and we've got a
full blue fly fire at the house. All this I'm
not literally because some people might be dealing with that,
so I'm not speaking about a literal fire, but that's
(33:41):
how it felt. And now I feel like I come
equipped as the firefighter and I knew exactly what to do. Yes,
I think that it goes back to that model of
whether we're really focused on behavioral control like time out
for this and punishment for that and stick or chart
for that, and what we really do then as we
set ourselves up to see winds as like our kids
(34:03):
behavior change, which don't get me wrong, I'm actually all
about kids behavior change, but from a place of sturdy
leadership and skill building, and it's actually I find it's
a very like disempowering thing as an adult to be
like I'm waiting for my kid to change to have
a win, Like I want my win to be based
with my eye can do right. And when we moved
from a model of behavior change to really sturdy leadership
(34:26):
as adults, then we start to find our own winds
and our whole system benefits from that. Yeah. I put
up on Instagram that I was interviewing you and asked
if any listeners had questions, and I got so many
and I tried to scroll through. I was like, I
don't even know how to pick any so I just
randomly was like, Okay, I'll pick that one. I'll pick
(34:46):
that one. So it wasn't just kind of popcorn picked.
And one that I saw multiple times had to do
with teenagers and mood. So I don't know if I
just throw out there any recommendations for teenage mood swing
because I also am raising a fifteen year old and
I feel like there's times where the pendulum swings. I
try to remember me as a teenager, and I definitely
(35:08):
recall my mom saying that there will be payback because
I was not an easy teenager. So do you have
any thoughts on how to meet the team where they
are if they are in a huge mood swing. So
one thing I'll say that, like I really find again
kind of differentiating about the good side approach is it's
(35:29):
one approach that you can learn that is going to
help you for all of your kids years and they're
adult years, right, Because would I'll go over in terms
of how I'd intervened during that moment with their teen like,
it is no different from how I'd intervene in that
moment with the toddler, Like, It's really just an extension
of the same principle. So it builds on itself. So
I think we have to start with family jobs, Like
(35:51):
what does a parents job. Apparents job is setting boundaries,
which really helps keep kids safe and makes kind of
apparent in charge of core decisions. And our other job
not a nice to have, but our job is to
validate and empathize with our kids feelings. Those two jobs
together help our kids feel real and loved and safe.
(36:12):
And so what would that look like during a teenager's
mood swings? Whatever that means? Well, we can set a
boundary depending on what it is in our relationship with
our kid in that moment, whatever feels right. It might be, Hey,
I know you're upset about something, and that's real, and
I know you can find another way to say that
to me, or hey, you must be really upset about
something to be saying that to me. Right, there's like
(36:33):
just naming what's happening is like almost a version of
like a verbal boundary. Right, So let's keep going. Let's
say my kid is quote, let me say, having a
mood swing is probably treating me with like sass or
something I deem is disrespect. Right, So I might say, well,
you must be really upset about something to be talking
that way to me, And I have a feeling it's
you know, about more than my asking you to clear
your play from the table. I know I need a
(36:55):
minute to calm my body. You might also let's both
take a little of time, come back together and figure
out a way of talking about this, or we could
actually work together as a team. I think the idea
of team all the time with kids is really really important.
Me and my kids are on the same team. I
always think what's critical is moving from looking at my
(37:16):
kid as the problem to looking at my kid like
it's me and my kid against a common problem, and
I think that is critical with teens. So we have
to see this as this is me as my me
and my team working against some problem. Maybe it's the
issues they have with the curfew, or their problem they're
having a math class, or the fact that I won't
(37:38):
let them stay out as late as their friends, whatever
it is, but it's me and my team against that problem,
not me against my teen who is the problem. I
love the idea of taking space and reconvening having a
team meeting, but space is so crucial A hundred. I mean,
I'm big on letting our kids know that we are
(38:01):
there for them and we're not abandoning them. And at
the same time, we could get a little too literal,
right like, that doesn't mean I have to stay in
front of my teenager while they break me. That's not
good for anybody. They feel like they're overpowering us anyway.
So yeah, you're always allowed to say and I would
encourage someone to say, hey, I need a couple of
minutes to calm down my body and get to a
commonplace so we can actually talk this through together. But
(38:23):
I want to just model. It's very different than saying,
you know, you're turning me into a witch or you know,
who could stay in a room with someone who's speaking
like that, right, Like owning our emotions and our emotional
needs is very very regulating to a kid, to anybody else,
and feels very sturdy. Criticizing someone else or blaming someone
(38:45):
else for your out of control feelings ends up feeling
really really bad to most other people. I mean, that's
the thing. Yeah, we could carry into any relationship, not
just parenting, Yes, for sure. And I felt since I
have open myself up to owning more in sometimes in
a repair or sometimes just in a situation, I'm modeling
(39:08):
to my kids like it's okay to own and take
responsibility for your actions and to assess what you've done
or and then maybe they'll model that not only later
on with their kids, but with their friendships and with
their teachers or in other relationships at school. Yeah, I mean,
I think that's so often from a model of behavioral control.
(39:31):
There's also a model of like power, right, where parents
kind of have power whatever that means, right, And in
that model, parents were like, well, if I apologize or
own my feelings. I'm like losing power right relative to
my kids. Well, I don't think in terms of power
in that way. I think in terms of a connection,
and I think in terms of modeling and building circuits.
(39:54):
And I think about how many parents say to their kids,
like stop blaming your sister, Like, Okay, she said something
to you, but you hit her. Stop blaming her, right,
just take ownership, Just say I'm sorry. Well, our kids
learn how to deal with their own emotions from many things.
One of those things is how we deal with our
own and our kids know when we fly off the handle,
and our kids know whether we end up saying, hey,
(40:16):
that was a me thing, I'm still upset that you
whatever didn't clean your room. We all know there's many
ways I could have told you I was upset, and
it's not okay to talk to people in the way
I talked to you. And I'm gonna be working on
managing my frustration. And I'm really sorry write like something
like that. It's not only reparative to your relationship, it
actually models the behavior for our kids that we really
(40:36):
really think I'll want from them. I love it. Well,
I feel like I could talk to you all day long.
But people can find more from you on Instagram at
Dr Becky Good Inside, and then in your book, which
I'm linking it in the show notes. It'll be easy
to find or you can hit up good Inside dot com.
But I love that it's all just good inside. Everything's nothing.
(40:58):
You know, it's Dr Becky because the book is good inside,
and again it's a guy to becoming the parent that
you want to be and as a parent that has
been working really hard. I just want to also remind
you and encourage you that it's not too late. If
you feel overwhelmed, that is okay. Just take some time,
do your breathing exercises, go for your walk, and then
(41:20):
just one day at a time, get the book and
you just one new concept at a time for you
and spend some time with it. It's not going to
happen overnight. You have to be incredibly patient with yourself
and then you'll start to see, like Becky and I
were talking about, you'll you'll have a moment where you're like, oh, wow,
I did this one a win. I think that's exactly right.
(41:40):
It's never too late, and maybe find one time today
where you define a win for yourself that is not
dependent on someone else's behavior. So you might say, oh,
what am I gonna do? My daughter always gets upset
once she has her mouth onwork. Okay, well, I'm not
going to define the wind by my daughter being calm,
Like that's just too powerless as an adult to base
(42:01):
my mood on an eight year old. I'm gonna define
my win as going in there. And I just want
to say to her, I know this is hard, and
I know you're a kid who can do hard things,
and I know we can figure it out together. I'm
making that up, but like, let's say that was the
thing I really wanted to say. I'm going to say
that to my daughter later, and then at some point
later I'm gonna pause and say, Becky, you know what
(42:22):
I did that thing, And whether or not she's still
at a hard time, that made a difference. That's still
registered and that is a win. And I promise you
those types of winds, when you, you know, do a
little bit here and there one a day on a week,
that they add up and lead to a really, really
big change. I love that you tied that into being
a good inside type parent and how coaching doesn't have
(42:45):
to be this one way, and parenting doesn't have to
be this one way, hud, And thank you for having
me and all your listeners. Like, you know, if you're
spending time listening to this podcast, like I think you're
doing so much right, Like you're reflecting your open you're here,
you chose to spend your time this way, and so
I just encourage you all to pause and and notice
(43:06):
that about yourself, right, notice this thing that you really did.
It's already a lot. Well. Thank you, Dr Becky and
I will see you on Instagram. See you soon, Amy.
Thank you
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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