Amy's dad passed away 2 years ago this month, so it got her thinking about what caused his health to really go downhill. She truly believes some of it was due in part to lack of connection with others. He was isolated because of the pandemic and that impacted his health tremendously. Amy shares this to set up a little chat she had with Dr. Mark Hyman about connection & community because he says those who are connected to others live longer + have better health + less stress. In addition to encouraging connection & community, Dr. Hyman shares a few other ways to help manage stress (i.e. cold showers!!)
Amy also shares 4 things we can do for more intentional relationships and more connection with others:
- Plan Quality Time
- Focus
- Ask Questions
- Unplug
Speaking of connection, Amy enjoys being able to connect with you guys through listener led Q&A chats. Amy shares one in this episode that she did with Crystal, who's from Indiana! Hope y'all enjoy!!! And shout out Crystal for taking a leap to start her new business: Creative Digital Connections!! We are cheering her on!
Thanks for listening & have the day you need to have!
HOST: RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Okay, cass up roAP, little food for yourself. Life ain't Oh,
it's pretty much. It's pretty beautiful than beautiful. Laugh a
little more, said he you're kicking four Brown, Happy Thursday.
(00:33):
Four things Amy Here and almost two weeks ago, on
April first, it had officially been two years since my
dad passed away. So I've been thinking a lot during
this time. I think it's natural when anniversaries come up,
you start reflecting on what happened, because it was also unexpected.
Because if you had told me the day before everything
(00:55):
changed with him that he was only going to have
days to live, I would have had a hard time
believing it because I had just moved him into my
house and I thought he was going to live with
us for at least a few years, maybe more. I mean,
his health had declined and he needed me to help
him with things, and we had to hire a caregiver
for him to beat at our house like for when
(01:16):
we weren't here, I was at work, and I was
really excited for this new chapter with him in my home,
especially getting more time with the kids. He had to
spend a little over a year at an assisted living home,
and I know he hated it, and I knew that
my house was going to be so much better for him. Well,
he spent one night with us. Some of you know
(01:38):
that it was just yep, one night. He had a
bad fall on day two that led to me calling
nine one one and an ambulance came and took him away.
And I couldn't go with him because of COVID, but
I honestly thought I would be picking them up at
the hospital later and he'd be totally fine. I remember
telling him, I guess the pair medics were loading him up,
(02:01):
like hey, I'll see you later on love you. He
said the same thing back to me, and they closed
the door and they drove away. Well, we never talked again.
He ended up on life support and then we had
to make the difficult decision to remove him. Doctors were
pretty clear early on. I remember going up there the
(02:23):
next day. They let me in and he was all
hooked up to tubes, and you know, I feel bad
for doctors that have to deliver this snooze because sometimes
you just don't want to hear it and you're like,
so what are you really saying? And I mean I'm
looking at him totally living off of machines, and I'm thinking, okay,
so when's you gonna wake up? And the poor doctor
(02:43):
was like, oh, yeah, no, I don't. I don't think
you understand. You probably need to get any other family
members here if they want to say their final goodbyes.
So in the next couple of days, my siblings flew
to Nashville and we did just that. We said our
final goodbyes to him all together, and then we spent
the next few days in my home as a family,
(03:06):
cooking food that my dad loved and sipping whiskey and
coke because he loved to do that, and listening to
music that he loved, George and Willie and Dolly, And
we were just really intentional about our time together, and
my dad wouldn't have had it any other way. In fact,
we knew we were making him proud by doing that
(03:27):
two things Cliff loved Cliff Moffett. He loved being around
people and cooking for people. And I mentioned a minute
ago that I thought my dad was going to live
with us for a few years, if not more. And
while my dad didn't die of COVID, he spent the
year leading up to his death in isolation because of COVID.
He wasn't able to be around people. He didn't have community.
(03:50):
I mean we could visit him through a window and
did some porch visits what not here and there, and
it just wasn't the same at all. I Mean, my
dad was never good at being alone, which is probably
why while he was married four times. But I'm talking
more than just romantic relationships. He just liked being with people,
all kinds of people. And his body started to deteriorate
(04:13):
because of life's circumstances at the time. And it wasn't
just COVID. He had had cancer that started in two
eighteen and a surgery that altered his life. So I'm
really talking about that time period of two and eighteen
to twenty twenty one when he passed away. This is
when his life started to change and he wasn't really
able to do the things he loved because he had
(04:35):
a feeding tube and he wasn't able to really cook
the food, enjoy the food, taste the food, to eat
the food. He wasn't really a recipe guy. When he
was cooking for people. He wanted to taste test along
the way, and he couldn't do that. So his love
for cooking sort of just I feel like he thinks
it was taken from him. His hand didn't really work
quite the same. So anyway, all that to say, it
(04:55):
wasn't just the COVID time frame. It started a little
bit before. But he wasn't able to connect. And I'm
not even talking like deep connection with people because he
wasn't the best at that type of connection, which I'm
sure that's a totally different episode in itself, and if
he were alive, I wish we could talk about that.
But anyway, it's really just for him was being around
(05:17):
people and then again good food. That was really all
that he needed to fill up his tank. And that
tank got pretty empty in those years and he just
started to shut down. And I share this story to
set up the importance of community and connection with others
because the strength of our social connections it's just integral
(05:38):
to our physical and mental health. And people with weak
social connections I saw a study that was done that
said they have at fifty percent greater risk of health
problems than those with stronger connections. And I feel like
I saw this firsthand with my dad. I also know
that I'm not naturally wired like my dad. I think
(06:00):
naturally more like my mom, who was sort of okay
with being alone and alone a lot. It doesn't mean
that I have to stay that way. It just means
that I have to work a little bit harder than
others might to make sure that I have community and connection.
And that's honestly why more connection is part of my
desires statement for this year. I came up with it
(06:23):
earlier this year, mentioned it in a previous episode. It
took me a minute to narrow down exactly what my
desires statement was going to be, but more connection is
a part of it, and that was very clear to
me because I want my social connections to get stronger,
because the research shows that if they get weaker, then
well I'm I'm at risk of becoming lonely and isolated.
(06:44):
And my mom spent a lot of time alone. I
never asked her if she was lonely. I wish I
would have. I'm not sure what she would have said,
but my gut tells me that maybe she was, and
that whate her regrets may have been, that she wishes
she would have done more, you know, connected more, maybe
even gone on some dates, or just socially done more,
(07:07):
maybe opened up more with her friends. Strong social connections
are thought to enhance health by buffering the negative effects
of stress as well and promoting healthier behaviors. And we
likely all know that good stress management means less feelings
of anxiety, but that also means less inflammation, which means
(07:28):
less getting sick and disease. I actually had a chat
recently with doctor Mark Hyman about connection with others and
being intentional about community and managing stress. So I'm going
to play some of that for you now. So, doctor Hyman,
is it safe to say that connection with others is
(07:50):
like food for the soul? It's so true. You know,
one of the things we don't think about medicine is community.
We talk about food is medicine, exercises medicine, Sleep is medicine.
But the truth is that community is medicine. And the
areas where people live the longest, one of the central
features is their sense of community connection, belonging. So we
all have been longing to belong and need to belong.
(08:10):
We're all social creatures. So building your network of community
of friends and family and really building that at or
into your life is so important. And when everything else
kind of is taken into account having that it's one
of the most powerful levers for longevity and help low
stress is also good for longevity and health, which connection
and community help with the negative effects of stress. And
(08:32):
I know you're big on stress management, So what are
some other ways we can deal with it? Now? A
lot of us are costing innudated with all the stress
of life, family work, social media, technology, it's just the news.
I mean, it's a constant flood of things that are
designed to knock us out course, So you have to
learn how to manage stress, how to learn how to
regulate it your body, and it's a physiological thing, so
(08:55):
it doesn't matter whether you're being chased by a tiger
or you read hear some about the news. The body
has a say response and then creates rapid aging. So
you need to learn techniques to reset it, and you
can do meditation, you will breathwork asside. You can also
use various techniques for example, like hot cold therapy is
a great way to discharge stress, so saunas and cold
(09:16):
pludges exercise another great stress reliever. So all that's really
to say that we have to learn the techniques we
can do on a regular basis. To reset our nervous
systems and to go into this calm, parasympathetic relaxation state
that's so healing for us. Yeah, I personally love doing cryotherapy,
but what do you recommend for someone that doesn't have
(09:37):
access to that or a cold plunge? I think I
think you know, I think you just think for people
to do is a cold shower for two minutes in
the morning. It's a little jolting, but it could be
very powerful. And if you want to urge in therapy,
if you have a bathtub, you can show with cold
water better than northern arms. If live in a warm climate,
it may not be getting as cold. You might need
to put ice in it, but or you can buy
(09:58):
a cold bludge is I think one of the best
investments for a long term health is a us on
in a cold flint chocousity. Okay, so maybe you just
heard doctor Hyman's recommendation to take a cold shower and
you're like, no way, not ready for that. So maybe
the challenge here for you is to be intentional about
making time for connection and community. The Hope Line actually
(10:21):
had up a post and they were sharing four things
coincidentally that we can do for more intentional relationships. First thing,
planned quality time. Planning quality time and making sure to
honor our engagements is a great lay to practice intentionality,
whether it's setting a reminder in our phones to call
our family and friends or putting something on the calendar
(10:44):
to hang out. Small steps like these make a big
difference when it comes to building emotional intimacy over time,
which I've mentioned multiple times this year. I'm pretty sure
how with some of my girlfriends, we've got scheduled hands
that are booked months out and we kind of have
(11:04):
been intentional about, hey, we may hang out in between this.
That's great, but four times a year we for sure
have it locked in on our calendar quarterly hangs. So
it sometimes feels weird to plan something like that out,
But when you know that you have the flexibility and
freedom to also see them other times, then it doesn't
seem so weird. It's just that you're trying to lock
(11:24):
it in to make sure that it happens, and that's
something new that we actually just started late last year
and we've been pretty good at it. Second thing, focus
Focus doesn't always come naturally, especially when life gets busy.
It is important that when we are spending time with
our friends or significant other that we really focus on
them and what they are saying and we're not being distracted,
(11:47):
which that one I definitely need to work on. Third thing,
ask questions. It's easy to take people that we care
about for granted. Once we get used to spending time together,
we fall into an easy rhythm, and that rhythm can
be pleasant, but it can also keep us from getting
closer to one another. Asking questions is a great way
to make a deliberate effort to connect with family and friends.
(12:11):
See how life or school or going. Ask about their
latest interests or hobbies. You know, you could even get
one of those conversation starter games that we've talked about
multiple times. Concrete Connections is the name of one. The
Friendship Deck is another one. There's tons out there for
couples and families and relationships. You could just google it
and find one that you like. Fourth thing, unplug While
(12:35):
technology can help us in our relationships, there's no end
to the distractions our phones and computers put in front
of us every day. Unplugging from our devices, or at
least putting them on silent, is a great way to
be more present when we're with people that we care about.
So there you go. Those are the four things. Plan,
quality time, focus, ask questions, unplug which I'm going to
(12:57):
be working on these things for myself so that I
can better connect with my people. And I also want
to be intentional about connecting with you, the listeners. That's
why I enjoy listener Q and A sessions that are
led by you, the listener. And I was originally airing
these on Sundays, but I may start making them a
part of Thursday episodes, so I'm going to test that
(13:18):
out right here. I recorded a Q and A with
a listener named Crystal, and we will get into that
after the break. Okay, our listener Q and A today
(13:40):
is being led by Crystal, who is coming to us
from Indiana. But Crystal, I'll let you introduce yourself. Hi, everybody,
I'm Crystall and like Amy, so I'm from Indiana and
it's just a little better about myself. I've been married
for a little over two years now. When we have
those when I have a hut Rottweiler naing Ruger and
(14:02):
I just recently last year, but my full time job
will start my own business, so that that's been kind
of big, exciting, but you know, we're racking, stressful and
it's like a digital marketing branding. But now it's been
super fun and totally worth it. And I have my
husband to thank for that, for giving me the courage.
You know, Kat and I say, trying is cool. So
(14:23):
definitely high five to your husband for encouraging you to
do that. And I love that you have a Rottweiler.
Makes me miss my sweet Josie girl that we had
for ten years. I mean Roddy's. Seriously, they're the best. Okay, Crystal, Um,
let's go ahead and get into the first question. What's
something that you just can't seem to like live without
(14:44):
right now that maybe you can't like leave your house
without and something kind of stilly so I'm not only normal,
like your purse or something. I mean, gosh, I have
a lot of things I'm obsessed with. I mean, some
that I could just rattle off the top of my
head right now would be Glowcube, which I've talked about
multiple times. It's just so refreshing on my face my
(15:06):
eye patches. Also refreshing. New Goo dark chocolate pretzel protein bars.
I just ordered a twenty four pack of those. That's
how much I love them right now. And let's see,
I'm also living in this pullover. I found it on Amazon.
It's like an Aloe or Lulu Limon knockoff of sorts.
(15:27):
I guess it's half the price or maybe even more
than half the price of those, And anyway, it's amazing.
I got it in black, but I think I'm gonna
have to order more colors, which I can link it
on my Amazon favorites so that people can find it easily.
Which actually I'll just make sure that anything that I'm
saying is up there and linked, because sometimes people have
(15:48):
a hard time figuring out if it's really the right
item because they don't know for sure if it's my page.
And the easiest way to find my favorites is just
at radioim dot com. Yeah, whenever I go to your
Amazon on page, that's how I get there, because I
don't know how to get to people's Amazon page without
doing something like hey, you and me both. So, do
(16:10):
you have any advice for anyone that's trying to find
like the motivation or the courage to add something to
their current routine, whether it's like right to seeing gratitude
or like moving your body or even though simple or
even something like a cleaning schedule or something like that.
You know, so just adding anything to your daily routine.
(16:32):
I think it's just starting small and doing it one day.
And then to take this from Mel Robbins, she's all
about high fiving yourself in the mirror, and so if
you're trying to build a new habit, which she actually
has put up some great podcasts and I've listened to
all of them and they're very, very helpful. So first
I would recommend go listen to those because she gives
(16:54):
the science behind why she's suggesting to do it the
way that she doesn't, and it's put out a trigger,
like if you're wanting to practice gratitude, leave your journal
by your bedside or wherever you end up wanting to write,
so that you see that that's the trigger, and then
it's the action of doing it. Take time to do
the journaling, and then like within two minutes of when
(17:16):
you complete whatever it is that you're trying to do,
reward yourself in some way. And that could be a
high five in the mirror or it could be Okay,
I don't get my coffee drink until I get done
with my journaling and so then you start to wire
your brain to then do the habit. So that's one
piece of advice that I have with that, But it
(17:39):
just depends on what the goal is, and that's something
that seems super overwhelming to you, then yeah, start small.
If journaling is overwhelming to you, because it was for me,
then if you do four things gratitude, just write down
one or two words for each thing. Don't stress yourself
out by having to write paragraphs and paragraphs of all
the things that you're grateful for, and then you'd be
surprised the more you start to, don't know, the more
(18:00):
you start to write, the easier it gets, and then
you find yourself writing paragraphs. Yeah, because I think for me,
something that helps is like checking stuff off of a
list that makes me feel really good. But I like
the like the rewarding yourself thing, because I mean, for me,
checking dow list is kind of that. But sometimes I
get in the routine of just like, okay, it's done.
(18:21):
So that's a that's a good and good way to
go about it too. I like that. Yeah. Okay, So
another one that I have this a little bit more,
I don't know, serious or deeper is how do you
go about like agitating someone on things such as eating
disorders or disorder eating or unhealth relationship with food like
(18:42):
or your body, things like that. It's to help them
understand that things I might be doing could be triggering
others and like, like does it depend on the person?
Like maybe okay, if it's your good friend, you can
say something, but if it's you know, a stranger, dell
and the part of those kind of two parts, I
guess this part of it have to do with like
(19:04):
I know Cat said on a Fifth Being Not about
long ago when she was talking about Taylor Swift's music video.
She said that it's our job to learn how to
cope with triggers and things that we don't like, but
like that in that we don't like and hurt us.
If not our job to like fix those people and
fix what they're saying. So I guess where's the line
(19:26):
there on going to like out of your way or
maybe not even out of your way to like mention
to someone you know what they said or did. It
definitely definitely depends on the person. So if it's a
family member or a friend and you want to have
an open honest conversation about hey, you know this type
of comment. It bothers me. But then again, if it's
your trigger, Kat is one percent correct. It is your
(19:48):
thing to work on how you respond. You were the
only one in control of that, So you can recognize
your feelings around it, recognize what was said. Then you
can allow yourself to be with those feelings, don't numb
them out or push them down, and then ask yourself, Okay,
why did that bother me so much? Why did that
(20:08):
make me feel this way? So you're sort of doing
a little research project on what that is, and this
is to get to the bottom of the trigger. And
then once you can do those three things, then be
kind to yourself and nurture yourself. And remember that feelings
are temporary, So it may mean that you just have
to remove yourself from that situation and an hour might
(20:30):
pass and you might not be as worked up about it.
So I think if you can calmly say something in
the moment, if it's someone that you're close to, you
can just either I don't know what the comment is
because this is all hypothetical, but it could either be
like hey, that well, that wasn't cool to say or
I'm trying not to talk to myself that way, and
it would be helpful if we didn't speak that way.
(20:53):
But that's for their that's their work. You can't control
what they end up doing. But I think it is
okay to kindly share that, like, hey, we don't maybe
we shouldn't comment on people's bodies, or maybe we shouldn't
comment about what people are eating, and then do the
work on yourself to know where that trigger is coming
(21:13):
from and then what you can do to get out
of it, because there's honestly going to be times where
you're not close to the person and you can't say anything,
and you need to do the internal work to not
explode on some stranger that just said something if you're triggered,
or go off on someone. And so that would be
my advice. We talk about this sometimes on the outwegh
podcast as well that's dedicated to this topic, so people
(21:36):
could go listen to some of those episodes, But it's
really case by case, yeah, and it really is up
to you. You are the only person on the planet
in control of your feelings and how you choose to
react to something, and so the more that you're aware
of that and the more that you're in touch and
in tune with your feelings and you can gather practices
(21:59):
like breathing or taking a walk or taking a break
or journaling to get some of that stuff out, the
less likely you are to just be so triggered in
a way that you just go off on other people. Yeah.
I like that when Kat said that. It really it
was one of those moments that made me go, WHOA,
Like I don't know, I just never thought about it
that way, and it was really refreshing to hear that,
(22:21):
because I feel like a lot of times people encourage
others so much to like speak up and like say
something if something made you like uncomfortable or angry whatever,
which is great of course, but yeah, there is like
it is other slightly other side to things that we
do need to work on things ourselves. And while yes,
(22:43):
we can like educate others, but I just I really
did enjoy that when she said it. But I guess
a second question to that, So, what if there was
someone who was like being hard on themselves, what advice
could you give to someone to like encourage them to
turn what they're staying around and encourage them instead of
(23:06):
having them discourage themselves. Yeah, just say, oh, hey, I
heard you just say that about yourself. But like, right now,
can I just share with you three things that I
love about you? And maybe you could try to find
three things too that you love about yourself, and that's
what you could start saying to yourself. It's more so
of an encouragement. People don't want to be told what
(23:27):
to do, especially friends, Like they want someone that has
compassion for wherever they're coming from. And if they're speaking
to themselves in that way, then as their friend, yeah,
have compassion. They must be all in their head right now.
They're up in their thoughts, they're not feeling great right now?
What can I do to encourage them? And I feel
like just the first thing that came to my mind
is you could just be like, hey, I don't want
(23:48):
you to talk to yourself that way, but I get it.
That's for you to work through. But right now I'm
going to stop and tell you three things that I
love about you. And I hope that you will take
these in and know that they are so true and
that you're awesome or X y Z whatever they are,
and then they'll have that and then say hey, this
is something i'm if it is something you're working on
as well, maybe we could hold each other accountable for
(24:12):
how we're talking about ourselves to each other. Our thoughts
are so powerful, it's a mindset thing. How we talk
to ourself is crucial. And I'm guilty of speaking negatively
negatively to myself for sure, but I've really been trying
to flip that script and make sure I don't allow
any of that into my space. I don't want it
(24:34):
taking up my brain, and so I want to meet
it with the positive comments. I want to counter it
and then back to the high five yourself in the mirror.
Say those three things and high five yourself, give yourself
that reward. And I mean, obviously there's some deeper work
that could be done if there's just true, deep rooted
hatred of self that I truly believe, it can start
(24:56):
small and as a friend, giving three compliments to them
could be a way to start. Not compliments about their body.
Of course, yeah, that might feed into any disordered behaviors
that someone may have, but that's just something I think
could be helpful, because you know, change your change your mind,
to change your life, but one day at a time
(25:17):
doesn't have to be this overwhelming of like, oh, I'm
changing the way I think about everything and I'm gonna
be so positive and this totally different person. So maybe
if three things about themselves is overwhelming, they start with one. Yeah,
whatever it is. But I think as a friend, you
can come alongside and try to be encouragement, have compassion,
be accountability, but not Hey, you really shouldn't talk to
(25:39):
yourself that way. You know, that's more of a command.
It's not your job to tell them what to do, right.
I like that because then it's leaving them instead of
them saying this negative thing in their mind, and then
that's what this left from the conversation. They're left with,
like you saying something nice and complimenting them, and them
maybe even saying something that they like by themselves as well. Okay,
(26:00):
really quick, I have a quote from The Unshakeable Hope
Max Locato book that I want to read really fast.
It's from chapter five. Your prayers have power? Will God
do what you ask? Perhaps, or perhaps he will do
more than you imagine. He knows what is best. Stand
firmly on this promise. When a believing person praise, great
(26:21):
things happen, which is James five sixteen. You are never
without hope because you are never without prayer. Prayer is
not the last resort, it's the first step. God has
power you've never seen and strength you've never known. So
I just want to share that because it really encouraged
me when I read it, so I hope it encourage
it encourages at least one person today. Oh, I'm sure
(26:43):
it will. Thank you for that encouragement and for leading
this Q and A. And you know, Crystal, I was
just looking up your website, so before you go, I
definitely want to mention that I love that your new
branding company's name has connections in it. It's creative digital connections,
(27:03):
so obviously we're all about connections here, so we wish
you nothing but the best of luck with that. And
I think it's really awesome that you have such a
supportive husband. And I know you're going to do do
big things. You just got to get out there and
try and take the leap, and you've done just that,
so keep going and it's going to be worth it.
(27:24):
Thank you, Okay, Bye bye
Okay, cass up roAP, little food for yourself. Life ain't Oh,
it's pretty much. It's pretty beautiful than beautiful. Laugh a
little more, said he you're kicking four Brown, Happy Thursday.
(00:33):
Four things Amy Here and almost two weeks ago, on
April first, it had officially been two years since my
dad passed away. So I've been thinking a lot during
this time. I think it's natural when anniversaries come up,
you start reflecting on what happened, because it was also unexpected.
Because if you had told me the day before everything
(00:55):
changed with him that he was only going to have
days to live, I would have had a hard time
believing it because I had just moved him into my
house and I thought he was going to live with
us for at least a few years, maybe more. I mean,
his health had declined and he needed me to help
him with things, and we had to hire a caregiver
for him to beat at our house like for when
(01:16):
we weren't here, I was at work, and I was
really excited for this new chapter with him in my home,
especially getting more time with the kids. He had to
spend a little over a year at an assisted living home,
and I know he hated it, and I knew that
my house was going to be so much better for him. Well,
he spent one night with us. Some of you know
(01:38):
that it was just yep, one night. He had a
bad fall on day two that led to me calling
nine one one and an ambulance came and took him away.
And I couldn't go with him because of COVID, but
I honestly thought I would be picking them up at
the hospital later and he'd be totally fine. I remember
telling him, I guess the pair medics were loading him up,
(02:01):
like hey, I'll see you later on love you. He
said the same thing back to me, and they closed
the door and they drove away. Well, we never talked again.
He ended up on life support and then we had
to make the difficult decision to remove him. Doctors were
pretty clear early on. I remember going up there the
(02:23):
next day. They let me in and he was all
hooked up to tubes, and you know, I feel bad
for doctors that have to deliver this snooze because sometimes
you just don't want to hear it and you're like,
so what are you really saying? And I mean I'm
looking at him totally living off of machines, and I'm thinking, okay,
so when's you gonna wake up? And the poor doctor
(02:43):
was like, oh, yeah, no, I don't. I don't think
you understand. You probably need to get any other family
members here if they want to say their final goodbyes.
So in the next couple of days, my siblings flew
to Nashville and we did just that. We said our
final goodbyes to him all together, and then we spent
the next few days in my home as a family,
(03:06):
cooking food that my dad loved and sipping whiskey and
coke because he loved to do that, and listening to
music that he loved, George and Willie and Dolly, And
we were just really intentional about our time together, and
my dad wouldn't have had it any other way. In fact,
we knew we were making him proud by doing that
(03:27):
two things Cliff loved Cliff Moffett. He loved being around
people and cooking for people. And I mentioned a minute
ago that I thought my dad was going to live
with us for a few years, if not more. And
while my dad didn't die of COVID, he spent the
year leading up to his death in isolation because of COVID.
He wasn't able to be around people. He didn't have community.
(03:50):
I mean we could visit him through a window and
did some porch visits what not here and there, and
it just wasn't the same at all. I Mean, my
dad was never good at being alone, which is probably
why while he was married four times. But I'm talking
more than just romantic relationships. He just liked being with people,
all kinds of people. And his body started to deteriorate
(04:13):
because of life's circumstances at the time. And it wasn't
just COVID. He had had cancer that started in two
eighteen and a surgery that altered his life. So I'm
really talking about that time period of two and eighteen
to twenty twenty one when he passed away. This is
when his life started to change and he wasn't really
able to do the things he loved because he had
(04:35):
a feeding tube and he wasn't able to really cook
the food, enjoy the food, taste the food, to eat
the food. He wasn't really a recipe guy. When he
was cooking for people. He wanted to taste test along
the way, and he couldn't do that. So his love
for cooking sort of just I feel like he thinks
it was taken from him. His hand didn't really work
quite the same. So anyway, all that to say, it
(04:55):
wasn't just the COVID time frame. It started a little
bit before. But he wasn't able to connect. And I'm
not even talking like deep connection with people because he
wasn't the best at that type of connection, which I'm
sure that's a totally different episode in itself, and if
he were alive, I wish we could talk about that.
But anyway, it's really just for him was being around
(05:17):
people and then again good food. That was really all
that he needed to fill up his tank. And that
tank got pretty empty in those years and he just
started to shut down. And I share this story to
set up the importance of community and connection with others
because the strength of our social connections it's just integral
(05:38):
to our physical and mental health. And people with weak
social connections I saw a study that was done that
said they have at fifty percent greater risk of health
problems than those with stronger connections. And I feel like
I saw this firsthand with my dad. I also know
that I'm not naturally wired like my dad. I think
(06:00):
naturally more like my mom, who was sort of okay
with being alone and alone a lot. It doesn't mean
that I have to stay that way. It just means
that I have to work a little bit harder than
others might to make sure that I have community and connection.
And that's honestly why more connection is part of my
desires statement for this year. I came up with it
(06:23):
earlier this year, mentioned it in a previous episode. It
took me a minute to narrow down exactly what my
desires statement was going to be, but more connection is
a part of it, and that was very clear to
me because I want my social connections to get stronger,
because the research shows that if they get weaker, then
well I'm I'm at risk of becoming lonely and isolated.
(06:44):
And my mom spent a lot of time alone. I
never asked her if she was lonely. I wish I
would have. I'm not sure what she would have said,
but my gut tells me that maybe she was, and
that whate her regrets may have been, that she wishes
she would have done more, you know, connected more, maybe
even gone on some dates, or just socially done more,
(07:07):
maybe opened up more with her friends. Strong social connections
are thought to enhance health by buffering the negative effects
of stress as well and promoting healthier behaviors. And we
likely all know that good stress management means less feelings
of anxiety, but that also means less inflammation, which means
(07:28):
less getting sick and disease. I actually had a chat
recently with doctor Mark Hyman about connection with others and
being intentional about community and managing stress. So I'm going
to play some of that for you now. So, doctor Hyman,
is it safe to say that connection with others is
(07:50):
like food for the soul? It's so true. You know,
one of the things we don't think about medicine is community.
We talk about food is medicine, exercises medicine, Sleep is medicine.
But the truth is that community is medicine. And the
areas where people live the longest, one of the central
features is their sense of community connection, belonging. So we
all have been longing to belong and need to belong.
(08:10):
We're all social creatures. So building your network of community
of friends and family and really building that at or
into your life is so important. And when everything else
kind of is taken into account having that it's one
of the most powerful levers for longevity and help low
stress is also good for longevity and health, which connection
and community help with the negative effects of stress. And
(08:32):
I know you're big on stress management, So what are
some other ways we can deal with it? Now? A
lot of us are costing innudated with all the stress
of life, family work, social media, technology, it's just the news.
I mean, it's a constant flood of things that are
designed to knock us out course, So you have to
learn how to manage stress, how to learn how to
regulate it your body, and it's a physiological thing, so
(08:55):
it doesn't matter whether you're being chased by a tiger
or you read hear some about the news. The body
has a say response and then creates rapid aging. So
you need to learn techniques to reset it, and you
can do meditation, you will breathwork asside. You can also
use various techniques for example, like hot cold therapy is
a great way to discharge stress, so saunas and cold
(09:16):
pludges exercise another great stress reliever. So all that's really
to say that we have to learn the techniques we
can do on a regular basis. To reset our nervous
systems and to go into this calm, parasympathetic relaxation state
that's so healing for us. Yeah, I personally love doing cryotherapy,
but what do you recommend for someone that doesn't have
(09:37):
access to that or a cold plunge? I think I
think you know, I think you just think for people
to do is a cold shower for two minutes in
the morning. It's a little jolting, but it could be
very powerful. And if you want to urge in therapy,
if you have a bathtub, you can show with cold
water better than northern arms. If live in a warm climate,
it may not be getting as cold. You might need
to put ice in it, but or you can buy
(09:58):
a cold bludge is I think one of the best
investments for a long term health is a us on
in a cold flint chocousity. Okay, so maybe you just
heard doctor Hyman's recommendation to take a cold shower and
you're like, no way, not ready for that. So maybe
the challenge here for you is to be intentional about
making time for connection and community. The Hope Line actually
(10:21):
had up a post and they were sharing four things
coincidentally that we can do for more intentional relationships. First thing,
planned quality time. Planning quality time and making sure to
honor our engagements is a great lay to practice intentionality,
whether it's setting a reminder in our phones to call
our family and friends or putting something on the calendar
(10:44):
to hang out. Small steps like these make a big
difference when it comes to building emotional intimacy over time,
which I've mentioned multiple times this year. I'm pretty sure
how with some of my girlfriends, we've got scheduled hands
that are booked months out and we kind of have
(11:04):
been intentional about, hey, we may hang out in between this.
That's great, but four times a year we for sure
have it locked in on our calendar quarterly hangs. So
it sometimes feels weird to plan something like that out,
But when you know that you have the flexibility and
freedom to also see them other times, then it doesn't
seem so weird. It's just that you're trying to lock
(11:24):
it in to make sure that it happens, and that's
something new that we actually just started late last year
and we've been pretty good at it. Second thing, focus
Focus doesn't always come naturally, especially when life gets busy.
It is important that when we are spending time with
our friends or significant other that we really focus on
them and what they are saying and we're not being distracted,
(11:47):
which that one I definitely need to work on. Third thing,
ask questions. It's easy to take people that we care
about for granted. Once we get used to spending time together,
we fall into an easy rhythm, and that rhythm can
be pleasant, but it can also keep us from getting
closer to one another. Asking questions is a great way
to make a deliberate effort to connect with family and friends.
(12:11):
See how life or school or going. Ask about their
latest interests or hobbies. You know, you could even get
one of those conversation starter games that we've talked about
multiple times. Concrete Connections is the name of one. The
Friendship Deck is another one. There's tons out there for
couples and families and relationships. You could just google it
and find one that you like. Fourth thing, unplug While
(12:35):
technology can help us in our relationships, there's no end
to the distractions our phones and computers put in front
of us every day. Unplugging from our devices, or at
least putting them on silent, is a great way to
be more present when we're with people that we care about.
So there you go. Those are the four things. Plan,
quality time, focus, ask questions, unplug which I'm going to
(12:57):
be working on these things for myself so that I
can better connect with my people. And I also want
to be intentional about connecting with you, the listeners. That's
why I enjoy listener Q and A sessions that are
led by you, the listener. And I was originally airing
these on Sundays, but I may start making them a
part of Thursday episodes, so I'm going to test that
(13:18):
out right here. I recorded a Q and A with
a listener named Crystal, and we will get into that
after the break. Okay, our listener Q and A today
(13:40):
is being led by Crystal, who is coming to us
from Indiana. But Crystal, I'll let you introduce yourself. Hi, everybody,
I'm Crystall and like Amy, so I'm from Indiana and
it's just a little better about myself. I've been married
for a little over two years now. When we have
those when I have a hut Rottweiler naing Ruger and
(14:02):
I just recently last year, but my full time job
will start my own business, so that that's been kind
of big, exciting, but you know, we're racking, stressful and
it's like a digital marketing branding. But now it's been
super fun and totally worth it. And I have my
husband to thank for that, for giving me the courage.
You know, Kat and I say, trying is cool. So
(14:23):
definitely high five to your husband for encouraging you to
do that. And I love that you have a Rottweiler.
Makes me miss my sweet Josie girl that we had
for ten years. I mean Roddy's. Seriously, they're the best. Okay, Crystal, Um,
let's go ahead and get into the first question. What's
something that you just can't seem to like live without
(14:44):
right now that maybe you can't like leave your house
without and something kind of stilly so I'm not only normal,
like your purse or something. I mean, gosh, I have
a lot of things I'm obsessed with. I mean, some
that I could just rattle off the top of my
head right now would be Glowcube, which I've talked about
multiple times. It's just so refreshing on my face my
(15:06):
eye patches. Also refreshing. New Goo dark chocolate pretzel protein bars.
I just ordered a twenty four pack of those. That's
how much I love them right now. And let's see,
I'm also living in this pullover. I found it on Amazon.
It's like an Aloe or Lulu Limon knockoff of sorts.
(15:27):
I guess it's half the price or maybe even more
than half the price of those, And anyway, it's amazing.
I got it in black, but I think I'm gonna
have to order more colors, which I can link it
on my Amazon favorites so that people can find it easily.
Which actually I'll just make sure that anything that I'm
saying is up there and linked, because sometimes people have
(15:48):
a hard time figuring out if it's really the right
item because they don't know for sure if it's my page.
And the easiest way to find my favorites is just
at radioim dot com. Yeah, whenever I go to your
Amazon on page, that's how I get there, because I
don't know how to get to people's Amazon page without
doing something like hey, you and me both. So, do
(16:10):
you have any advice for anyone that's trying to find
like the motivation or the courage to add something to
their current routine, whether it's like right to seeing gratitude
or like moving your body or even though simple or
even something like a cleaning schedule or something like that.
You know, so just adding anything to your daily routine.
(16:32):
I think it's just starting small and doing it one day.
And then to take this from Mel Robbins, she's all
about high fiving yourself in the mirror, and so if
you're trying to build a new habit, which she actually
has put up some great podcasts and I've listened to
all of them and they're very, very helpful. So first
I would recommend go listen to those because she gives
(16:54):
the science behind why she's suggesting to do it the
way that she doesn't, and it's put out a trigger,
like if you're wanting to practice gratitude, leave your journal
by your bedside or wherever you end up wanting to write,
so that you see that that's the trigger, and then
it's the action of doing it. Take time to do
the journaling, and then like within two minutes of when
(17:16):
you complete whatever it is that you're trying to do,
reward yourself in some way. And that could be a
high five in the mirror or it could be Okay,
I don't get my coffee drink until I get done
with my journaling and so then you start to wire
your brain to then do the habit. So that's one
piece of advice that I have with that, But it
(17:39):
just depends on what the goal is, and that's something
that seems super overwhelming to you, then yeah, start small.
If journaling is overwhelming to you, because it was for me,
then if you do four things gratitude, just write down
one or two words for each thing. Don't stress yourself
out by having to write paragraphs and paragraphs of all
the things that you're grateful for, and then you'd be
surprised the more you start to, don't know, the more
(18:00):
you start to write, the easier it gets, and then
you find yourself writing paragraphs. Yeah, because I think for me,
something that helps is like checking stuff off of a
list that makes me feel really good. But I like
the like the rewarding yourself thing, because I mean, for me,
checking dow list is kind of that. But sometimes I
get in the routine of just like, okay, it's done.
(18:21):
So that's a that's a good and good way to
go about it too. I like that. Yeah. Okay, So
another one that I have this a little bit more,
I don't know, serious or deeper is how do you
go about like agitating someone on things such as eating
disorders or disorder eating or unhealth relationship with food like
(18:42):
or your body, things like that. It's to help them
understand that things I might be doing could be triggering
others and like, like does it depend on the person?
Like maybe okay, if it's your good friend, you can
say something, but if it's you know, a stranger, dell
and the part of those kind of two parts, I
guess this part of it have to do with like
(19:04):
I know Cat said on a Fifth Being Not about
long ago when she was talking about Taylor Swift's music video.
She said that it's our job to learn how to
cope with triggers and things that we don't like, but
like that in that we don't like and hurt us.
If not our job to like fix those people and
fix what they're saying. So I guess where's the line
(19:26):
there on going to like out of your way or
maybe not even out of your way to like mention
to someone you know what they said or did. It
definitely definitely depends on the person. So if it's a
family member or a friend and you want to have
an open honest conversation about hey, you know this type
of comment. It bothers me. But then again, if it's
your trigger, Kat is one percent correct. It is your
(19:48):
thing to work on how you respond. You were the
only one in control of that, So you can recognize
your feelings around it, recognize what was said. Then you
can allow yourself to be with those feelings, don't numb
them out or push them down, and then ask yourself, Okay,
why did that bother me so much? Why did that
(20:08):
make me feel this way? So you're sort of doing
a little research project on what that is, and this
is to get to the bottom of the trigger. And
then once you can do those three things, then be
kind to yourself and nurture yourself. And remember that feelings
are temporary, So it may mean that you just have
to remove yourself from that situation and an hour might
(20:30):
pass and you might not be as worked up about it.
So I think if you can calmly say something in
the moment, if it's someone that you're close to, you
can just either I don't know what the comment is
because this is all hypothetical, but it could either be
like hey, that well, that wasn't cool to say or
I'm trying not to talk to myself that way, and
it would be helpful if we didn't speak that way.
(20:53):
But that's for their that's their work. You can't control
what they end up doing. But I think it is
okay to kindly share that, like, hey, we don't maybe
we shouldn't comment on people's bodies, or maybe we shouldn't
comment about what people are eating, and then do the
work on yourself to know where that trigger is coming
(21:13):
from and then what you can do to get out
of it, because there's honestly going to be times where
you're not close to the person and you can't say anything,
and you need to do the internal work to not
explode on some stranger that just said something if you're triggered,
or go off on someone. And so that would be
my advice. We talk about this sometimes on the outwegh
podcast as well that's dedicated to this topic, so people
(21:36):
could go listen to some of those episodes, But it's
really case by case, yeah, and it really is up
to you. You are the only person on the planet
in control of your feelings and how you choose to
react to something, and so the more that you're aware
of that and the more that you're in touch and
in tune with your feelings and you can gather practices
(21:59):
like breathing or taking a walk or taking a break
or journaling to get some of that stuff out, the
less likely you are to just be so triggered in
a way that you just go off on other people. Yeah.
I like that when Kat said that. It really it
was one of those moments that made me go, WHOA,
Like I don't know, I just never thought about it
that way, and it was really refreshing to hear that,
(22:21):
because I feel like a lot of times people encourage
others so much to like speak up and like say
something if something made you like uncomfortable or angry whatever,
which is great of course, but yeah, there is like
it is other slightly other side to things that we
do need to work on things ourselves. And while yes,
(22:43):
we can like educate others, but I just I really
did enjoy that when she said it. But I guess
a second question to that, So, what if there was
someone who was like being hard on themselves, what advice
could you give to someone to like encourage them to
turn what they're staying around and encourage them instead of
(23:06):
having them discourage themselves. Yeah, just say, oh, hey, I
heard you just say that about yourself. But like, right now,
can I just share with you three things that I
love about you? And maybe you could try to find
three things too that you love about yourself, and that's
what you could start saying to yourself. It's more so
of an encouragement. People don't want to be told what
(23:27):
to do, especially friends, Like they want someone that has
compassion for wherever they're coming from. And if they're speaking
to themselves in that way, then as their friend, yeah,
have compassion. They must be all in their head right now.
They're up in their thoughts, they're not feeling great right now?
What can I do to encourage them? And I feel
like just the first thing that came to my mind
is you could just be like, hey, I don't want
(23:48):
you to talk to yourself that way, but I get it.
That's for you to work through. But right now I'm
going to stop and tell you three things that I
love about you. And I hope that you will take
these in and know that they are so true and
that you're awesome or X y Z whatever they are,
and then they'll have that and then say hey, this
is something i'm if it is something you're working on
as well, maybe we could hold each other accountable for
(24:12):
how we're talking about ourselves to each other. Our thoughts
are so powerful, it's a mindset thing. How we talk
to ourself is crucial. And I'm guilty of speaking negatively
negatively to myself for sure, but I've really been trying
to flip that script and make sure I don't allow
any of that into my space. I don't want it
(24:34):
taking up my brain, and so I want to meet
it with the positive comments. I want to counter it
and then back to the high five yourself in the mirror.
Say those three things and high five yourself, give yourself
that reward. And I mean, obviously there's some deeper work
that could be done if there's just true, deep rooted
hatred of self that I truly believe, it can start
(24:56):
small and as a friend, giving three compliments to them
could be a way to start. Not compliments about their body.
Of course, yeah, that might feed into any disordered behaviors
that someone may have, but that's just something I think
could be helpful, because you know, change your change your mind,
to change your life, but one day at a time
(25:17):
doesn't have to be this overwhelming of like, oh, I'm
changing the way I think about everything and I'm gonna
be so positive and this totally different person. So maybe
if three things about themselves is overwhelming, they start with one. Yeah,
whatever it is. But I think as a friend, you
can come alongside and try to be encouragement, have compassion,
be accountability, but not Hey, you really shouldn't talk to
(25:39):
yourself that way. You know, that's more of a command.
It's not your job to tell them what to do, right.
I like that because then it's leaving them instead of
them saying this negative thing in their mind, and then
that's what this left from the conversation. They're left with,
like you saying something nice and complimenting them, and them
maybe even saying something that they like by themselves as well. Okay,
(26:00):
really quick, I have a quote from The Unshakeable Hope
Max Locato book that I want to read really fast.
It's from chapter five. Your prayers have power? Will God
do what you ask? Perhaps, or perhaps he will do
more than you imagine. He knows what is best. Stand
firmly on this promise. When a believing person praise, great
(26:21):
things happen, which is James five sixteen. You are never
without hope because you are never without prayer. Prayer is
not the last resort, it's the first step. God has
power you've never seen and strength you've never known. So
I just want to share that because it really encouraged
me when I read it, so I hope it encourage
it encourages at least one person today. Oh, I'm sure
(26:43):
it will. Thank you for that encouragement and for leading
this Q and A. And you know, Crystal, I was
just looking up your website, so before you go, I
definitely want to mention that I love that your new
branding company's name has connections in it. It's creative digital connections,
(27:03):
so obviously we're all about connections here, so we wish
you nothing but the best of luck with that. And
I think it's really awesome that you have such a
supportive husband. And I know you're going to do do
big things. You just got to get out there and
try and take the leap, and you've done just that,
so keep going and it's going to be worth it.
(27:24):
Thank you, Okay, Bye bye
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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