April 10, 2025 • 20 mins
Amy & Kat respond to a listener email from a mom who set firm boundaries with her husband’s family after ongoing disrespect. It’s been 2 years of no contact, but now her kids are starting to ask questions. How much do you tell them? How do you keep it age-appropriate? And how do you model healthy boundaries without blaming or bashing? Amy & Kat share thoughts, personal stories, and practical advice that applies to way more than just family drama!
Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good. All right, break it down.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just won home
Amy and Cat gotcha, Covin locking, no brother ladies and polos?
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Do you just follow an the spirit where it's all
the phone over real stuff to the chill stuff and
the m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can
do it just.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Stop you feel things.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
This is Feeling Things with.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Amy and Kat Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, the
listener Q and a episode to the Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
And today's email we're going to keep anonymous, so just
FYI for anybody who does send an email, you don't
have to share your name if that helps you feel
more comfortable sending in your question.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Because this listener did say specifically, yeah, please keep anonymous.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
And I also want to add up top that, even
though I am a therapist and we're answering your questions,
this is not therapy and is not therapeutic advice.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
It's just us giving a two.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Cents, our two cents.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Take it as you please, but Kat's is.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Worth more because she has a therapist.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
You have some good stuff to say, Well.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
This I could relate to. Yeah, this listener's email, and
this is a specific question to her and some family
drama that she is currently experiencing. But our answer, I
will say, may help others in a lot of ways
if they don't have family drama, but maybe they have
some boundaries that need to happen in friendships or in
(01:34):
work or And then there's other people in your life
that start to ask questions, and it's like, well, how
do I tell people what's going on? Especially kids, because
then they start to wonder, like, where's you know, aunts Sue,
And you're like, well, let me tell you answer for you.
So do be preface enough? Yeah, Okay, Kat's going to
(01:54):
read the email and then we'll get into our two
cents and three cents.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Okay, Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
So this email says, hey, there, we have spent two
years with no communication with any of my husband's family,
parents and siblings due to disrespectful words and actions towards me.
We came to a decision that it was best for
our family as a whole and my husband in eyes
relationship if we set very strict boundaries around his family
(02:22):
and cut communication with them asap. It's now been two
years since we've spoken or seen any of them, but
our kids go to school together. How would you suggest
we answer questions our two sons may have regarding why
they don't see or know them. We only live ten
minutes from them. Sincerely, a mom who needed boundaries.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
First of all, we admire you for protecting your peace
and doing it's best for your family even when it's
not easy, because setting boundaries with family is so so hard. Secondly,
I think it's interesting you say asap because I say asafe.
So do you say asap every time?
Speaker 3 (03:03):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
As I was reading that, I saw that word coming
ahead and I was like, how am I going to
address this when it comes?
Speaker 3 (03:09):
And then asap came out.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
But I think if I did it again, I don't know,
I might say asap because.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Then they got me curious, like how does she say FYI?
Does she say fight fight fight? Think? Or ap is
easier for me to trip over with PSA or you
like psah?
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah, I say pisa. I know I say that one.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Saw which side note little PSA. I just recently prepped
this for the Bobby Bone Show, so it's top of mind.
And did you know that back in the day we
had about seventeen minutes to get out of our house
if it was on fire, and we'd likely live. But
now because of the way our furniture is made and
(03:54):
certain chemicals that are used our house and golfs and
flames so much faster, and we have now like three
minutes to get out of our house and not even
just dying from the flames, like inhalation from all the
fumes and chemicals.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
And where does this information come from?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
It's just my p for the day.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
That's crazy.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
I guess it would matter like the size of your
house and all that, but that's interesting, Well, it.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Go yeah, and I mean the tall actually, when you
talk about the size of your house, the taller your
ceilings are. It can actually don't quote me on this,
but I think, like goob, and flames faster because of
the air.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
That makes sense with all the tornado warnings that were
happy happening recently, you know, I get really nervous with weather.
And I was texting my family at night making sure
everybody was in their safe spaces, and my sister in
law was like, we didn't really, we didn't get as
worried as you because they live in a house.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Have you been to my sister in law's house.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
They live on a farm and a house that was
built in like the seventeen hundreds.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I haven't been there, but it sounds to me like
they probably have seventeen minutes to get out.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Yes, it's more than a moderately she said.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
She was like, this house's man have cinder blocks and
they're like probably like a like three feet wide. So
I think if it stood up this long, it's okay.
So their safe space was their whole house, and I
was like, I get that, and I think you should
still find a safe space.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Yeah, you need to find a safe space. Okay, back
to the email, because people people might be here just
for the advice and they're like, wait, wait a second.
Although you never know when that PSA it's gonna save
your life, because you're gonna.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Be like that, I'm not gonna save our life right now.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Oh I guess yes, you might be.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Like, oh, I once heard we have seventeen minutes to
get out, and that has changed.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
You're saying p SA, you only have three minutes.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I'm saying psay PSA. What other acronyms can we turned
into words.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Like I guess ps You could just say so I
think people do that, like.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Yeah, okay, my thoughts. After we got this email, I
started thinking about something similar. I went through myself, and
my situation is different but similar, and my kids have
asked questions, and I think, first of all, it's important
to keep it simple. That has worked well for me
is keeping it simple and not bringing in any blaming
(06:12):
or bashing of anybody involved, even if that is what
you feel on the inside and you are boiling and
you feel like you have every right to blame or bash,
just be like, oh, I know you really want to
come out here, but you're not welcome. Because it also
helps you feel validated and like your decision, and you
don't need to validate anything with your kids or anybody
(06:33):
else for that matter. I like that I was able
to also show my kids that boundaries can be a
beautiful thing. They can be intimidating and a little scary,
but also I want to be an example to my
kids of what boundaries look like, so I didn't mind
having a healthy conversation around the boundaries with them. And
(06:53):
I think showing our kids boundaries early on can give
them some emotional security, which I think is huge for
them to see and my kids might ask more later,
and I will address that when I get there, because
I think it's they age. If other questions come up,
I can revisit it and tell them maybe more when
they're older, because my son is fourteen and my daughter's seventeen,
(07:16):
so I've actually told her more than I told him
because it's more age appropriate for her to know more.
But again with no blaming or bashing mixed in, especially
when it's family, like they're kids, so like they may
say something to somebody else and then you don't want
it to get back to Aunt Sue or they show
(07:37):
up and Aunt Sue's kids haven't done anything wrong, and
the next thing, you know, cousins say and a cousin like,
oh well my mom said your mom's yeah are real slullo.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Love because they are they easier repeat things yes, yeah,
like just what they hear.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Or and then cousins can still have a beautiful relationship
and your crap shouldn't have to impact their relationship unless
for whatever reason them going over there. There might be
boundaries around that if there's like a safety concern, But yeah, kids,
sometimes they're innocent in this. Don't to drag them in
and Obviously I say this with nuance because every situation
(08:16):
is so different. But back to my little notes here
I had about this. Also, others have asked me about
my situation that are not my kids, and I don't
feel like I owe anyone outside of my home a
full explanation. So I just want to remind you that
you don't have to share that with others.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Either, even if they're not kids.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Even if they're not kids, yeah, adult, because sometimes people
just want the gossip.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Yeah. I think that's probably a big part of this
is what is the.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Information that they need versus what's the information that they want?
And this is with any probably question we're going to
answer on here, but we can't give you exact answers
because we don't know all of the details in every
situation is different. So depending on their age, depending on
what it is that happened that called for these boundaries,
there's going to be a little bit of a different
(09:00):
answer to this. And so I really like what you
said where you're keeping it simple. I like keeping it
on how we feel and what we need versus what
they did, and take it from there and they can
keep asking questions.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
And that also, I think is having somebody.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Ask you a question and being able to set a
boundary with that question is really good modeling also of
what you're doing. So like, just like, I'm not ready
or feel blank about answering this question right now. That's
how I felt when I did X Y Z and
had to create this boundary with answer to.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
So you can model a boundary within.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
A boundary, which is kind of cool, and then always
leave space for there to be more discussion. Always leave
space for there to be more discussion. I really like
(09:57):
when somebody says you can ask you whatever you want, Like,
I want you to feel free to ask you whatever
you want. I might not always answer everything to the
extent that you are looking for, but I want you
to feel safe to ask.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Questions, especially kids. I think that's so important for kids
to always feel safe to ask or say anything. Like
I want my kids to feel so safe. I'm glad
you said that, but you also remind them but it
doesn't mean you're going to get the answer that you want.
But then they feel more comfortable. They don't ever feel
scared to ask or say anything.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Yeah, I think that pops into my head because in
take sessions at work, what I will say is I
want this to be a mutual relationship, and I know
I'm going to be asking you a lot of questions.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I want you to know two things. One, you don't
have to answer every question I ask you.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
And a lot of people are like, oh, I don't
because they feel like if I'm asking them something, they
have to tell their answer and they might not be
ready or they might just not want to tell me.
And that's a way for them to have agency in
that space. And also you're allowed to ask me questions.
With that, I might also not answer all of them,
especially if they're about my life or if they're about
(11:08):
what I get a lot of well what would you.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Do in that situation?
Speaker 2 (11:11):
And that's a really hard question to answer and also
not usually the most helpful question.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
If I was a therapist, like so many people depending
on their situations that baby, and I feel like sometimes
I might look at them and be like, well, first
of all, I would never be in the situation here
that would be really helpful to them, but I'd probably
be really toxic therapist.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Because okay, so this is what I would do, and
da da da da. But you also the reason that
is is because one you have to be careful about
giving advice.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
In those spaces. But two, I always.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Want people to feel like the progress they make or
the winds they have are from them and not from me.
So if I tell them every single step and every
single thing to do, then they're going to feel like
I did it instead of them. And also then they're
going to feel like they need me forever versus I'm
teaching them.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
So don't want us to graduate. Like as therapists are
clients like do you I wants on? Life is ongoing.
There's always things we need a therapist for. But if
we're coming in and we're talking about the same thing
over and over, that's probably not ideal A lot of.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Times in our lives because we are who we are,
the same problem pups up in different ways.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
So I want clients.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
To heal whatever they're coming in to heal, or find
whatever they're coming in to find.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
I want them to do that.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's not like I'm like, I want you to hurry
up and learn this and get out of here. There
are depending on who you are therapist. Some therapists like
won't see clients for like over two years or over
three years, so they have like a cutoff. I more so,
we change the frequency of how often they're seeing me.
So I might have a client that sees me every
single week for like two years, and then they're like,
(13:00):
they're like, Okay, I think I've built up enough skills
that I want to try to handle this stuff without
because sometimes I've end up being a security blanket, you know.
So Okay, well let's go to every three weeks. And
they do that, and then maybe they go to every month,
and then sometimes they're just coming in every other month
just to do some check ins and to keep that relationship.
So then when something does pop up that they need
(13:21):
more cute help with, they don't have to catch me
up on the last five years of their life, and
there's always that open relationship where if they need to
go back to weekly, they can.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah, Okay, it's good to know, makeing a mental.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Note, but we're not I think a lot of times
are like, you want people to not get better because
that's how you make your money. And what I would
say to them is, I mean, there's so many people
in the world. There's always another client.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
So it's not that doesn't drop on the world. But
there may be therapists out there that are like, sure, yeah,
really purposefully being a little crappy to keep people around. Yeah,
I'm going to therapy tomorrow with my boyfriend for the
first time.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Is this a new therapist or no, he's coming to
your sech How are you feeling.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
I'm excited because I think we need. All we need
are just some tools for our tool belts, our toolbox. Yeah,
every relationship has its own challenges. We have a unique
set of challenges that I sometimes struggle navigating in him too.
And then we've got between the two of us five
(14:33):
kids in the mix. So there's just some things that
pop up that Yeah, but I will say he didn't
handle something well. The other day. I wonder how I
could say this. I think I could just say it.
I mean, I haven't run this by and but it's fine.
I was there and I didn't have my kids, and
I was done with all my stuff, and I was
(14:53):
over there and normally I'm over there and we're all
hanging out and it's fine, and it's almost dinner time,
and he said, what are you doing for dinner? It
wasn't like, what are you doing for dinner? Do you
want to stay and eat with us? It was like,
what's your playing for dinner? Sort of that energy. It's
not how he meant it, but do.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
You want to use the script? Yeah? So I did.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I used the script okay that we made So I
said to him later, when you said what are you
doing for dinner? I felt awkward and unwelcome. And the
story I told myself was that I needed to leave
right away, So I did. I mean, it was like
right away and dramatic, but I kind of sat there
(15:36):
for a minute and I was like, oh my gosh,
like am I not seeing for dinner? Because I kind
of went over there thinking like we had just cooked
dinner there the night before, and there was all the
leftovers that I cooked. I cooked, I cooked the dinner.
So I was like, obviously, and he knows that my
I don't have my kids, and what else am I
going to do? I'm going to go home?
Speaker 3 (15:54):
So what what did you say? What did you need
from him?
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Oh? And then I said so when I don't know
if I did this part right, But then I said, so,
what I need is for you to not say that
just kidding. I said, what I need is if you
need to have like a night with your kids or
you feel like y'all are going to have a conversation.
I need you to be upfront with me about that,
(16:18):
because his normal vibe when I'm there and I didn't
know he was having some uneasiness about some stuff that
is going on with us and the kids and just
different things that maybe one day I can share. But
I think when you're merging families, there's all kinds of
things like there's just I don't even think. I think
it's just obvious there would be some moments where maybe
(16:40):
he needs to have some conversations with him and he
was leaving town the next day, so maybe that was
his moment to talk with them, and if I'm there,
they can't have that conversation. So I guess what I
need is for you to give me that heads up,
because normally that's the vibe. If I'm like, oh, hey,
I gotta go, he'd be like, no, I thought you
were going to stay for dinner or I want you
to stay the whole time, or in the energy was
(17:00):
just so weird. And so when he said that and
he was like, well, that's not what I meant. But
I just needed more clarity because I think it would have.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Been helpful from something.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, he wasn't saying to me like, hey, I'm feeling
really uncomfortable with some stuff with the kids that I
need to discuss and you can't be there for it
because I want them to feel able to talk about it. Yeah,
and they did have a conversation, but I did use
the script and I was so proud.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
So you need more tools like that.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So now I have the script memorized, which is a
big deal for me. Big deal, but it's and it's
probably because of your cute graphic that you made, because
now I'm picturing the graphic in my mind, so it's
I feel blank, which you all can go to at
Feeling Things podcast on Instagram and you can see the graphic.
You can have the graphic, screenshot it, save it, click
that little save button and use this. It is so
(17:50):
helpful because it just made the whole thing so easy.
When you said blank, I felt blank, and the story
I told myself was blank, and what I need is
like and I did it all check chick chick, chick.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Check.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
And he was like, oh, I am so sorry. I
think he said, I can even read the exact text.
Just to be fair to him here since I'm springing
the th on, he said, I'm sorry, I'm trying but
obviously screwing up plenty. Thanks for your patients. Oh and
I double tupped at heart and again.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Now we're going to therapy.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
But that's too how therapy isn't a It just has
that negative connotation to it. And if you're going to therapy,
that means like something bad and something is wrong versus like, no,
we're in a unique situation and why wouldn't we go
get more tools.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
That would help us?
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Right, And we're not going to because of that. We'd
already booked therapy because of another thing. So which I
you know, I don't know to our anonymous listener, if
you do have access to therapy, but because it is
your family, this is going to likely be an ongoing
thing that might really take a toll. And from other
(19:02):
family stuff that I've been through, it is just so
helpful to get third party insight if you have access
to that. So I just encourage you in any way.
But you're also free to email us for our five cents.
Yeah two plus three five.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
One thing to add before we close is it can
be really helpful to roleplay it too. So if you
and your husband practice like one being the kid that's
asking the question and one giving the answers so you
feel more prepared.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Oh yeah, you've got to clarify speaking up before you play.
I know, but you need to say, hey, husband, I
would like to try to help our kids with the
family drama, so can we role play that out. You
can't go to your husband and be like, hey, can
we role play tonight and then explain, because then he's
gonna be like, well, tell me more, and then he's.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Like, wait, well, okay, good clarification, thank you.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, okay, I'm sure big piece into that. Just kidding, Okay, back,
I just kidding. We hope you have the day you
need to have and we will see y'all coming up
on Tuesday. For more Feeling Things in the meantime, Email
us hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com. Find
us on YouTube, find us on All the Things. Yeah, bye,
(20:15):
bye bye
Good. All right, break it down.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just won home
Amy and Cat gotcha, Covin locking, no brother ladies and polos?
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Do you just follow an the spirit where it's all
the phone over real stuff to the chill stuff and
the m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can
do it just.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Stop you feel things.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
This is Feeling Things with.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Amy and Kat Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, the
listener Q and a episode to the Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
And today's email we're going to keep anonymous, so just
FYI for anybody who does send an email, you don't
have to share your name if that helps you feel
more comfortable sending in your question.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Because this listener did say specifically, yeah, please keep anonymous.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
And I also want to add up top that, even
though I am a therapist and we're answering your questions,
this is not therapy and is not therapeutic advice.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
It's just us giving a two.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Cents, our two cents.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Take it as you please, but Kat's is.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Worth more because she has a therapist.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
You have some good stuff to say, Well.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
This I could relate to. Yeah, this listener's email, and
this is a specific question to her and some family
drama that she is currently experiencing. But our answer, I
will say, may help others in a lot of ways
if they don't have family drama, but maybe they have
some boundaries that need to happen in friendships or in
(01:34):
work or And then there's other people in your life
that start to ask questions, and it's like, well, how
do I tell people what's going on? Especially kids, because
then they start to wonder, like, where's you know, aunts Sue,
And you're like, well, let me tell you answer for you.
So do be preface enough? Yeah, Okay, Kat's going to
(01:54):
read the email and then we'll get into our two
cents and three cents.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Okay, Okay.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
So this email says, hey, there, we have spent two
years with no communication with any of my husband's family,
parents and siblings due to disrespectful words and actions towards me.
We came to a decision that it was best for
our family as a whole and my husband in eyes
relationship if we set very strict boundaries around his family
(02:22):
and cut communication with them asap. It's now been two
years since we've spoken or seen any of them, but
our kids go to school together. How would you suggest
we answer questions our two sons may have regarding why
they don't see or know them. We only live ten
minutes from them. Sincerely, a mom who needed boundaries.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
First of all, we admire you for protecting your peace
and doing it's best for your family even when it's
not easy, because setting boundaries with family is so so hard. Secondly,
I think it's interesting you say asap because I say asafe.
So do you say asap every time?
Speaker 3 (03:03):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
As I was reading that, I saw that word coming
ahead and I was like, how am I going to
address this when it comes?
Speaker 3 (03:09):
And then asap came out.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
But I think if I did it again, I don't know,
I might say asap because.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Then they got me curious, like how does she say FYI?
Does she say fight fight fight? Think? Or ap is
easier for me to trip over with PSA or you
like psah?
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Yeah, I say pisa. I know I say that one.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Saw which side note little PSA. I just recently prepped
this for the Bobby Bone Show, so it's top of mind.
And did you know that back in the day we
had about seventeen minutes to get out of our house
if it was on fire, and we'd likely live. But
now because of the way our furniture is made and
(03:54):
certain chemicals that are used our house and golfs and
flames so much faster, and we have now like three
minutes to get out of our house and not even
just dying from the flames, like inhalation from all the
fumes and chemicals.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
And where does this information come from?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
It's just my p for the day.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
That's crazy.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
I guess it would matter like the size of your
house and all that, but that's interesting, Well, it.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Go yeah, and I mean the tall actually, when you
talk about the size of your house, the taller your
ceilings are. It can actually don't quote me on this,
but I think, like goob, and flames faster because of
the air.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
That makes sense with all the tornado warnings that were
happy happening recently, you know, I get really nervous with weather.
And I was texting my family at night making sure
everybody was in their safe spaces, and my sister in
law was like, we didn't really, we didn't get as
worried as you because they live in a house.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Have you been to my sister in law's house.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
They live on a farm and a house that was
built in like the seventeen hundreds.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I haven't been there, but it sounds to me like
they probably have seventeen minutes to get out.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Yes, it's more than a moderately she said.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
She was like, this house's man have cinder blocks and
they're like probably like a like three feet wide. So
I think if it stood up this long, it's okay.
So their safe space was their whole house, and I
was like, I get that, and I think you should
still find a safe space.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Yeah, you need to find a safe space. Okay, back
to the email, because people people might be here just
for the advice and they're like, wait, wait a second.
Although you never know when that PSA it's gonna save
your life, because you're gonna.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Be like that, I'm not gonna save our life right now.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Oh I guess yes, you might be.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Like, oh, I once heard we have seventeen minutes to
get out, and that has changed.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
You're saying p SA, you only have three minutes.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
I'm saying psay PSA. What other acronyms can we turned
into words.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Like I guess ps You could just say so I
think people do that, like.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Yeah, okay, my thoughts. After we got this email, I
started thinking about something similar. I went through myself, and
my situation is different but similar, and my kids have
asked questions, and I think, first of all, it's important
to keep it simple. That has worked well for me
is keeping it simple and not bringing in any blaming
(06:12):
or bashing of anybody involved, even if that is what
you feel on the inside and you are boiling and
you feel like you have every right to blame or bash,
just be like, oh, I know you really want to
come out here, but you're not welcome. Because it also
helps you feel validated and like your decision, and you
don't need to validate anything with your kids or anybody
(06:33):
else for that matter. I like that I was able
to also show my kids that boundaries can be a
beautiful thing. They can be intimidating and a little scary,
but also I want to be an example to my
kids of what boundaries look like, so I didn't mind
having a healthy conversation around the boundaries with them. And
(06:53):
I think showing our kids boundaries early on can give
them some emotional security, which I think is huge for
them to see and my kids might ask more later,
and I will address that when I get there, because
I think it's they age. If other questions come up,
I can revisit it and tell them maybe more when
they're older, because my son is fourteen and my daughter's seventeen,
(07:16):
so I've actually told her more than I told him
because it's more age appropriate for her to know more.
But again with no blaming or bashing mixed in, especially
when it's family, like they're kids, so like they may
say something to somebody else and then you don't want
it to get back to Aunt Sue or they show
(07:37):
up and Aunt Sue's kids haven't done anything wrong, and
the next thing, you know, cousins say and a cousin like,
oh well my mom said your mom's yeah are real slullo.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Love because they are they easier repeat things yes, yeah,
like just what they hear.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Or and then cousins can still have a beautiful relationship
and your crap shouldn't have to impact their relationship unless
for whatever reason them going over there. There might be
boundaries around that if there's like a safety concern, But yeah, kids,
sometimes they're innocent in this. Don't to drag them in
and Obviously I say this with nuance because every situation
(08:16):
is so different. But back to my little notes here
I had about this. Also, others have asked me about
my situation that are not my kids, and I don't
feel like I owe anyone outside of my home a
full explanation. So I just want to remind you that
you don't have to share that with others.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Either, even if they're not kids.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Even if they're not kids, yeah, adult, because sometimes people
just want the gossip.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Yeah. I think that's probably a big part of this
is what is the.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Information that they need versus what's the information that they want?
And this is with any probably question we're going to
answer on here, but we can't give you exact answers
because we don't know all of the details in every
situation is different. So depending on their age, depending on
what it is that happened that called for these boundaries,
there's going to be a little bit of a different
(09:00):
answer to this. And so I really like what you
said where you're keeping it simple. I like keeping it
on how we feel and what we need versus what
they did, and take it from there and they can
keep asking questions.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
And that also, I think is having somebody.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Ask you a question and being able to set a
boundary with that question is really good modeling also of
what you're doing. So like, just like, I'm not ready
or feel blank about answering this question right now. That's
how I felt when I did X Y Z and
had to create this boundary with answer to.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
So you can model a boundary within.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
A boundary, which is kind of cool, and then always
leave space for there to be more discussion. Always leave
space for there to be more discussion. I really like
(09:57):
when somebody says you can ask you whatever you want, Like,
I want you to feel free to ask you whatever
you want. I might not always answer everything to the
extent that you are looking for, but I want you
to feel safe to ask.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Questions, especially kids. I think that's so important for kids
to always feel safe to ask or say anything. Like
I want my kids to feel so safe. I'm glad
you said that, but you also remind them but it
doesn't mean you're going to get the answer that you want.
But then they feel more comfortable. They don't ever feel
scared to ask or say anything.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Yeah, I think that pops into my head because in
take sessions at work, what I will say is I
want this to be a mutual relationship, and I know
I'm going to be asking you a lot of questions.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I want you to know two things. One, you don't
have to answer every question I ask you.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
And a lot of people are like, oh, I don't
because they feel like if I'm asking them something, they
have to tell their answer and they might not be
ready or they might just not want to tell me.
And that's a way for them to have agency in
that space. And also you're allowed to ask me questions.
With that, I might also not answer all of them,
especially if they're about my life or if they're about
(11:08):
what I get a lot of well what would you.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Do in that situation?
Speaker 2 (11:11):
And that's a really hard question to answer and also
not usually the most helpful question.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
If I was a therapist, like so many people depending
on their situations that baby, and I feel like sometimes
I might look at them and be like, well, first
of all, I would never be in the situation here
that would be really helpful to them, but I'd probably
be really toxic therapist.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Because okay, so this is what I would do, and
da da da da. But you also the reason that
is is because one you have to be careful about
giving advice.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
In those spaces. But two, I always.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Want people to feel like the progress they make or
the winds they have are from them and not from me.
So if I tell them every single step and every
single thing to do, then they're going to feel like
I did it instead of them. And also then they're
going to feel like they need me forever versus I'm
teaching them.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
So don't want us to graduate. Like as therapists are
clients like do you I wants on? Life is ongoing.
There's always things we need a therapist for. But if
we're coming in and we're talking about the same thing
over and over, that's probably not ideal A lot of.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Times in our lives because we are who we are,
the same problem pups up in different ways.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
So I want clients.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
To heal whatever they're coming in to heal, or find
whatever they're coming in to find.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
I want them to do that.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's not like I'm like, I want you to hurry
up and learn this and get out of here. There
are depending on who you are therapist. Some therapists like
won't see clients for like over two years or over
three years, so they have like a cutoff. I more so,
we change the frequency of how often they're seeing me.
So I might have a client that sees me every
single week for like two years, and then they're like,
(13:00):
they're like, Okay, I think I've built up enough skills
that I want to try to handle this stuff without
because sometimes I've end up being a security blanket, you know.
So Okay, well let's go to every three weeks. And
they do that, and then maybe they go to every month,
and then sometimes they're just coming in every other month
just to do some check ins and to keep that relationship.
So then when something does pop up that they need
(13:21):
more cute help with, they don't have to catch me
up on the last five years of their life, and
there's always that open relationship where if they need to
go back to weekly, they can.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah, Okay, it's good to know, makeing a mental.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Note, but we're not I think a lot of times
are like, you want people to not get better because
that's how you make your money. And what I would
say to them is, I mean, there's so many people
in the world. There's always another client.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
So it's not that doesn't drop on the world. But
there may be therapists out there that are like, sure, yeah,
really purposefully being a little crappy to keep people around. Yeah,
I'm going to therapy tomorrow with my boyfriend for the
first time.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Is this a new therapist or no, he's coming to
your sech How are you feeling.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
I'm excited because I think we need. All we need
are just some tools for our tool belts, our toolbox. Yeah,
every relationship has its own challenges. We have a unique
set of challenges that I sometimes struggle navigating in him too.
And then we've got between the two of us five
(14:33):
kids in the mix. So there's just some things that
pop up that Yeah, but I will say he didn't
handle something well. The other day. I wonder how I
could say this. I think I could just say it.
I mean, I haven't run this by and but it's fine.
I was there and I didn't have my kids, and
I was done with all my stuff, and I was
(14:53):
over there and normally I'm over there and we're all
hanging out and it's fine, and it's almost dinner time,
and he said, what are you doing for dinner? It
wasn't like, what are you doing for dinner? Do you
want to stay and eat with us? It was like,
what's your playing for dinner? Sort of that energy. It's
not how he meant it, but do.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
You want to use the script? Yeah? So I did.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I used the script okay that we made So I
said to him later, when you said what are you
doing for dinner? I felt awkward and unwelcome. And the
story I told myself was that I needed to leave
right away, So I did. I mean, it was like
right away and dramatic, but I kind of sat there
(15:36):
for a minute and I was like, oh my gosh,
like am I not seeing for dinner? Because I kind
of went over there thinking like we had just cooked
dinner there the night before, and there was all the
leftovers that I cooked. I cooked, I cooked the dinner.
So I was like, obviously, and he knows that my
I don't have my kids, and what else am I
going to do? I'm going to go home?
Speaker 3 (15:54):
So what what did you say? What did you need
from him?
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Oh? And then I said so when I don't know
if I did this part right, But then I said, so,
what I need is for you to not say that
just kidding. I said, what I need is if you
need to have like a night with your kids or
you feel like y'all are going to have a conversation.
I need you to be upfront with me about that,
(16:18):
because his normal vibe when I'm there and I didn't
know he was having some uneasiness about some stuff that
is going on with us and the kids and just
different things that maybe one day I can share. But
I think when you're merging families, there's all kinds of
things like there's just I don't even think. I think
it's just obvious there would be some moments where maybe
(16:40):
he needs to have some conversations with him and he
was leaving town the next day, so maybe that was
his moment to talk with them, and if I'm there,
they can't have that conversation. So I guess what I
need is for you to give me that heads up,
because normally that's the vibe. If I'm like, oh, hey,
I gotta go, he'd be like, no, I thought you
were going to stay for dinner or I want you
to stay the whole time, or in the energy was
(17:00):
just so weird. And so when he said that and
he was like, well, that's not what I meant. But
I just needed more clarity because I think it would have.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Been helpful from something.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Yeah, he wasn't saying to me like, hey, I'm feeling
really uncomfortable with some stuff with the kids that I
need to discuss and you can't be there for it
because I want them to feel able to talk about it. Yeah,
and they did have a conversation, but I did use
the script and I was so proud.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
So you need more tools like that.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So now I have the script memorized, which is a
big deal for me. Big deal, but it's and it's
probably because of your cute graphic that you made, because
now I'm picturing the graphic in my mind, so it's
I feel blank, which you all can go to at
Feeling Things podcast on Instagram and you can see the graphic.
You can have the graphic, screenshot it, save it, click
that little save button and use this. It is so
(17:50):
helpful because it just made the whole thing so easy.
When you said blank, I felt blank, and the story
I told myself was blank, and what I need is
like and I did it all check chick chick, chick.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Check.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
And he was like, oh, I am so sorry. I
think he said, I can even read the exact text.
Just to be fair to him here since I'm springing
the th on, he said, I'm sorry, I'm trying but
obviously screwing up plenty. Thanks for your patients. Oh and
I double tupped at heart and again.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Now we're going to therapy.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
But that's too how therapy isn't a It just has
that negative connotation to it. And if you're going to therapy,
that means like something bad and something is wrong versus like, no,
we're in a unique situation and why wouldn't we go
get more tools.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
That would help us?
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Right, And we're not going to because of that. We'd
already booked therapy because of another thing. So which I
you know, I don't know to our anonymous listener, if
you do have access to therapy, but because it is
your family, this is going to likely be an ongoing
thing that might really take a toll. And from other
(19:02):
family stuff that I've been through, it is just so
helpful to get third party insight if you have access
to that. So I just encourage you in any way.
But you're also free to email us for our five cents.
Yeah two plus three five.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
One thing to add before we close is it can
be really helpful to roleplay it too. So if you
and your husband practice like one being the kid that's
asking the question and one giving the answers so you
feel more prepared.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Oh yeah, you've got to clarify speaking up before you play.
I know, but you need to say, hey, husband, I
would like to try to help our kids with the
family drama, so can we role play that out. You
can't go to your husband and be like, hey, can
we role play tonight and then explain, because then he's
gonna be like, well, tell me more, and then he's.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Like, wait, well, okay, good clarification, thank you.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Yeah, okay, I'm sure big piece into that. Just kidding, Okay, back,
I just kidding. We hope you have the day you
need to have and we will see y'all coming up
on Tuesday. For more Feeling Things in the meantime, Email
us hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com. Find
us on YouTube, find us on All the Things. Yeah, bye,
(20:15):
bye bye
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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