November 14, 2020 • 33 mins
Alexa Rae Ardito is a mom, an eating disorder survivor, and currently pregnant with her second baby! Alexa tells her eating disorder story, the role of faith and yoga, and gives us the tea on what to SAY and NOT say to a pregnant woman. You can find Alexa at @lifebyalexarae
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Maybe that's Lisa, and we're just two girls that want
to have a conversation with you. Dear sixteen year old
Andrea hey gorsgeous, Dear younger Lauren. Each episode is stories
from people I would deprive myself. Why myself obsessively? Because
I was eating healthy? I couldn't understand that I had
a problem with food. Losing my period scared me the most.
My story starts when I was around seven. That's when
(00:24):
I started to hate my body. Body image is like
our inner picture of our outer self healthy behaviors. I
had a much bigger role at all health than the
actual number on the scales. Internal dialogue can be so
powerful and often it's super negative and critical in a
way that we wouldn't talk to other people that we
care about. When you start to share your story, that
(00:44):
gives other people the courage to share theirs. I know
you would be proud now of how far you have
come in your relationship to food, exercise, and to yourself.
I felt freedom, I've gained relationships. I've found my true
sense of self worth. There's one thing I need you
to take away. You're going to be okay, everyone, Lisa
(01:05):
here today it's going to be just me. Amy's out,
well not just me. We're actually joined by special guest
Alexa ray Ardito. Did I say that right? You did? Yeah?
And Alexa is amazing. She is an eating disorder survivor
how many months pregnant are you? Seven? Seven months pregnant
on her second baby? To tell us her eating disorder story,
(01:27):
because as we know, or if you don't know, every
eating disorder or disordered eating story is different. And really,
why I wanted to have Alexa on is not only
because she's a ray of light that we all want
to be around, but because what is it like to
be pregnant after being so fused to being very thin?
(01:47):
And I just want to hear about that from you.
But before we do, can you tell us a little
bit about your eating disorder story when it began for you? Even? Yeah,
so I think you just brought up something great. You know,
what is it like to not be thin? And before
I ever start my eating disorder story, I think it's
important to point out that I have always lived in
a thin body. And I say that because a lot
(02:09):
of people they're eating sorts may start because of the
commentary that they received around losing weight. Or is trying
to start a diet. So you just wanted to point
that out because I do think it is important. But
my inting sort of started back in two thousand and ten.
I was a freshman who had just enrolled in university
away from home, so originally I'm from Long Island and
I went to university up in Boston, and I was
(02:31):
a few weeks into the semester and really started to
struggle with depression and with anxiety. And I had never
felt that prior in my life. I had never suffered
from any sort of social anxiety or depression whatsoever. I
was a relatively happy teenager, and I think it was
because I was so out of my comfort zone, and
I was dealing with a lot of insecurities trying to
(02:53):
meet new people and trying to fit in and always
feeling like I was failing on some end of that
that I didn't belong. And I was also dealing with
a lot of changes from being away from home and
being away from the familiar parts of my life that
I had been so accustomed to for eighteen years. So
about six weeks into the semester, I was really struggling
with my depression and anxiety and it starts to manifest
(03:14):
in really unhealthy ways of eating and over exercising. And
I recognized that something was off because I was so
depressed and I was having trouble getting out of bed
every day and struggling to stay motivated at all, and
I decided to seek help. So I went to the
university therapist and sat down with her. And I'm lucky
now looking back that she was so intentional with her
(03:37):
questions that she was able to really dig in with
me and not just see the symptoms of depression and anxiety,
but that I was also struggling with disordered eating, and
she could also see physically that I was quite underweight
at that point, so she, I think, had a lot
of red flags raised in our initial and she sent
me right over to the university medical doctor to get
(03:57):
checked out. And I remember meeting with the medical doctor
and she was like, I think you have anorexia, and
that is a huge red flag for us at the
university because you could be such a liability to to
be living on campus and be so sick. Spring break
was just about to start that weekend. She recommended that
I go home and tell my parents that I needed
to enroll in a residential eating disorder treatment facility, and
(04:20):
I just remember being so shocked because to me, I
was doing everything that a normal and I put that
in quotations, a normal college student was doing. I was
watching my weight, I was working out, I was, you know,
struggling with being away from home. But didn't everybody That's
how I thought. Didn't everybody do what I was doing?
Isn't this just normal to be struggling with food? Isn't
(04:43):
this just a normal thing to be struggling with as
an eighteen year old female. So I remember going home
and telling my parents, who were also quite shocked because
they didn't expect that at all. And the next I
think three days later, I was up in Boston enrolling
in my first eating disorder treatment facility, which was the
residential center. So I spent the next eight weeks there. So,
(05:05):
just to back up for a moment, I met Alexa
in person a few weeks ago. We both live in
Long Island, and we were actually connected through a guest
who will not be named, but who told her story
bravely on season one of Outweigh And I meet Alexa
at an outdoor coffee shop and I see this radiant,
(05:26):
six months pregnant beautiful woman. I learned she's the manager
of Lulu Lemon down the road. And when you started
to tell me that you had an eating disorder, I
was not expecting for you to say that you went
to residential treatment. And how old are you now? Your
life just is so beautiful now and everything about you
exudes confidence and togetherness that I didn't expect you to
(05:52):
say that it that it went there, or that it
went there so fast. So anyway, just to kind of
give some like beautiful hope into you, and I think
you will continue to do so as we go to
this episode of the remarkable things that recovery can do
for you, which is really just to bring you back
to you, because like I just saw a complete aligned
(06:12):
human being. Within six months of going to college, it
rapidly turned into anorexia and you enrolled in treatment. Yeah,
it was. It was really quite quick. I feel like
it went from zero to a hundred. And I wasn't
expecting anything of the sort, because, like I said, I
wasn't really aware of eating stories at the time. I
wasn't really aware of anorexia or any of those behaviors.
(06:33):
And I think. You know, I can reflect back now
and see that probably when I entered treatment the first time,
I probably would have said I was more disordered eating
and not so much anorex in nervosa or maybe even
like orthorexia. But unfortunately, you know, I did spend eight
weeks in treatment, which I spent kicking and screaming for
eight weeks. I really resisted the treatment because I didn't
(06:55):
think I belonged there. I looked at the girls around me,
and I thought that they looked thicker, they were thinner,
and that my problems didn't really exist. And in that
eight week period I also really learned I had like
a crash course on what you disorders were, and I
think it was very triggering for me in a lot
of ways. So when I did step down and leave
that treatment center. So hold on back up for a moment,
(07:17):
because I'm not sure that everybody will understand that sentence.
I believe what you're saying is that you learned more
eating disorder tricks of the trade. You were a first
time or in treatment. You're only six months really into
experiencing anorexia or a eating disorder, whereas most of the
girls or women there probably had been in treatment multiple
(07:38):
times and had sometimes like decades of experience. If you will,
so you believe with more more tools, if you will,
to damage yourself. Yeah, exactly. And I think I learned
a new way of looking at my body negatively that
I had never had before because I was surrounded by
constant negative self talk by other women who had been
(08:00):
struggling for so long with body image and for me,
you know, you know, I started my my conversation with
you recognizing that I was always in a thin body,
and I think during that time period and treatment, I
really identified with being thin, and I identified with the
term anorexia that was thrown upon me because that was
who I was like. To me, even growing up, I
(08:23):
was the thin sister. I was always praised for my
body for looking a certain way, and putting that term
anorexia on me almost like gave me a fire to
keep that going and to keep that praise going. So
when I left treatment, yeah, I had all these tools,
as you said, I learned these new tricks of how
(08:43):
to keep that ideal body that I had always had,
and it really just over the next two years, I spiraled,
and I remember stepping out of treatment and just getting
sicker and sicker. So I spent the next two years
really sick, and I spent the next two years going
in and out of treatment. So you left college and
(09:05):
no more college. So yeah, I I had to leave
that university because of everything that happened with me and
rolling into residential um. I ended up in rolling out
of college on Long Island while also continuing outpatient treatment
at the time. But it really took me away from
that university, which is my dream. It had been my
dream for years. And instead, I you know, came back
(09:27):
to a local college instead and really just focused on
my eating disorder, which is so sad for me to say.
So yeah, the next two years, I just continued to
get sick and I was in and out of treatment centers.
I went ended up going back to that same residential
treatment center about a year and a half after my
original treatment, and that time I had actually volunteered myself
(09:51):
to go in because I recognized how sick I was
and I was miserable, and at that time I felt
like I was putting other people in jeopardy because of
my eating disorder, and I I share that I felt
like I was putting people in jeopardy because at the time,
I was nannying for family and I was taking care
of these three wonderful children. And I remember driving them
(10:13):
home one day from one of their activities and I
hadn't eaten and I don't know how long, and I
felt like I was about to blackout because I didn't
have enough energy. Meanwhile, I was driving a car with
three children in it, and that scared the crap out
of me. So that's when I decided to and roll
back into treatment. Yeah, so your wake up moment kind
of beautifully was a before disaster moment, which, like most
(10:36):
you know, sometimes we don't get so lucky. Sometimes it's
it's the disasters. So that brings you back to the
same residential treatment. And my question really in the beginning
was I think a lot of people have not so
good experiences at residential treatment, and other people are saved
by residential treatment, and I think it has to do
with your journey and where you're at and the treatment
(10:59):
center itself and your willingness and all of that. So
now now you're back, and what was this experience different,
I guess I should ask. I'm just kind of assuming
that this one was different, But I don't know it was.
It was completely different because I wanted to be there
and I wanted to receive the treatment, and I wanted
to get better because I had recognized from that last
year and a half two years that I couldn't live
this way. It wasn't healthy and I was putting other
(11:20):
people at risk as well as myself. So I was
only allowed four weeks. They're due to medical insurance reasons.
And I remember going in saying, I'm going to make
the best of these thirty days that I have. I'm
going to do everything possible for me to recover. And
I took in every tool, every resource, every therapy appointment
and really tried to use it to my benefit. I
(11:41):
was like that eager kid at the front of the class,
like really wanting to write everything down, um like raising
her hand when we had questions, like I was that
person for the therapy. You strike me as a perfectionist
in general, because you said you're the manager at you know,
Lulu Lehman, that's a that's a big job. We're recording
this at nine thirty in the morning, and your hair
(12:03):
is perfectly done and you know everything about you. So
I think that when it comes to your eating disorder,
though it could go either way. You're either going to
be really quote unquote good at your eating disorder or
you're gonna be really good at beating your eating disorder,
which you know is which way is it gonna fall
for you and your personality? Yeah, for sure? And I
think that time and treatment, I was the perfectionist, and
(12:27):
you know, I really took in everything I could. But unfortunately,
when I did step down and leave treatment, I still struggled,
and I still relaxed, and I still couldn't seem to
beat it no matter how hard I tried. My identity
was still so closely tied to the term anorexia or
anorexic and being thin, and that was a really hard
(12:51):
bond for me to break. So then what happened, well
was the next step for you? It was early two
thousand and twelve at this point, and what changed for
me was that I found my religion. I found my faith. Well,
let's back up a minute, because you grew up with
what was your family's religion, So I grew up pretty
much agnostic or atheists. My mom racist too, without any religion.
(13:14):
So that we could grow up and really choose whatever
we wanted, if we if we felt called to it
one day, but really more leaning towards atheist as I
was a teenager UM and when I was eighteen for sure.
So when you say you found my religion, does that
mean you chose one that worked, that that spoke to
you or one that you're paying Like, yeah, what tell
us a little more about that? Well, honestly, it came
(13:34):
out of nowhere, like I think a lot of things
do in my life. Things has kind of happened. But
for me, by the way, for me, what happened was
I was relapsing and having and having a really hard
time finding really strong footing to recover. And I ended
up finding an even newsorder, anonymous group UM and I
Celebrate Recovery Group, which is based out of a church
(13:55):
that was literally down the block from my house. It
couldn't have been more of a perfect situation. And I
went to one of these meetings, I was invited to
a worship night. And this is a Christian religion, it's
a nondenominational Christianity. For those who might be wondering what
I'm talking about, And so I go the next week
to this worship night. If you don't know what it is.
It's just a night where they sing songs to God.
(14:17):
It's like Christian rock music pretty much. And I was
sitting in a chair and there are people with their
arms raised around me worshiping God. And as an atheist
at the time, I was like, where is the nearest exit?
I'm so uncomfortable right now. And I just remember a
song was I don't remember the name of it, but
of something like come as you are, like all of
(14:38):
you who are broken, your loved here. And I remember
in that moment just feeling and seeing because my eyes
were closed, seeing my heart and in the shattered pieces
coming back together and being fused together, and this brilliant
light shining out of it. And I had never felt
so loved and so held and so whole in that moment,
(14:58):
and I remember just breaking down. And I left church
that day as a Christian, and that meeting with God
changed my whole life and changed the entire trajectory of
my life from the end of January two twelve to
where I am now. I have like chills and tears
and all those things. And what's super interesting to you
(15:19):
and the religion set situation is we just finished the
Jewish holidays, and you know you didn't wish me a
happy New Year. I think you texted me Lashna tofa
and I was like, this girl, I don't know where
to put her in my brain, Like you know he
said it. I was like, I'm so confused how she knows,
like how to say it in Hebrew. And and that's
(15:40):
what kind of makes you interesting because you also spend
time in Israel after that, right I did. Yeah, so
I had a weird life path after that, but I
ended up studying like Israeli studies in Jewish studies and
living in Israel first summer about like a year after
I got saved, So like that's what I love. It's
just like when you find religion in a way that
breaks your heart open, like when you described your heart
(16:02):
and like kind of like God holding space for you.
You're just a compassionate, kind person and you're interested in
different religions and that doesn't you know, you still have
your own faith. I don't know. I just find that
just so interesting about you. Like sometimes you can become
so fused to your identity, like that could have been
your only identity, and then you kind of close off
(16:24):
anything that's other. But you just keep like opening your
heart to more and that's that's cool about you. Thank you.
So you also did yoga at some point came into
your life. So what I want to point out with
my step into my faith was that it really gave
me a new identity, and it gave me a new
identity to hold onto instead of holding onto my identity
(16:46):
is only being thin. That's all that makes me important. Um.
I had this new identity within Christ and that was
huge for me. So I was able to see my
worth and my value. I knew that I was loved
beyond measure and I was loved beyond me germant and
that changed so much for me. And then about a
year later I found yoga. I just started practicing it
(17:06):
randomly at home when there was like a huge blizzard
and I was bored, and I fell in love with yoga.
And yoga gave me the ability to see my body
as something different than just a vessel to look at,
but something that I could really learn to work with.
And I was able to find that mind body connection
(17:26):
that I had never had before. My body was so
separate to me and I could never really quite connect
my mind and my body and how I was feeling together,
and yoga gave me that opportunity to really sit within
my body, be uncomfortable within stretches, and learn how to
be uncomfortable within what I was dealing with physically. Um,
and that also taught me how to be okay with
(17:48):
being uncomfortable with being full or being uncomfortable with gaining weight. There.
It just gave me a lot of different insights that
I had never had previously. Yoga did that for me
as well, similar to like faith, I think too is
like for me, like showing up on the mat every
day when I'm bloated, when I'm you know, super full,
like you said, like all those things that I used
to struggle with, and like I remember just the feeling
(18:10):
of your feet planted on the ground and being like,
you know, I got this, I'm here for me and
just kind of that that whole thing was was huge
for me, and I know it was a big part
of you in your life, and you taught for a
while too, so you just have so many interesting parts
of your healing journey that I think many people can
kind of relate to. Okay, So then you got married
(18:33):
down the line to your wonderful husband, and Charlie is
how he's two and a half almost two and a
half almost, and now you have another one on the way.
So let's talk about the pregnancy with Charlie. So you're
twenty nine now, so you were about twenty six. Yeah
when I had him. What year did you find your faith?
So I found my faith in two twelve and yoga
(18:53):
in two and then I met my husband the next
year in two thousand fourteen, okay, and then what you're
to do Charlie eighteen? Okay. So what was it like
to have your body changed in that way for the
first time? Was it triggering? Yes, and in a way
that I didn't think I would have. I thought because
I had been in reccovery for so many years and
(19:14):
had been doing so well, and that I was so
excited to become a mom that being pregnant and dealing
with the physical changes wouldn't phase me. That's why I
went into pregnancy like super excited. This isn't going to
bother me. I'm going to take it on, take on
the weight gain with like happiness. And as my pregnancy
progressed with my son, the first time, I had like
(19:34):
a stark awakening of this is harder than I thought
it was going to be because your body is just
changing so quickly, you know, again at zero two hundred,
really quick with pregnancy, all of a sudden you start
showing all of a sudden your weights going up and again.
Because I had lived in a thin body for so
long for my entire life, seeing my body change and
(19:56):
seeing the numbers on the scale go up to a
level I had never ever seen before was really difficult
for me to wrap my head around, and really difficult
for me to stay positive and in a positive mindset
during the pregnancy. So how did you I think, you know,
for me, relying on my faith it was a huge help,
But I think I had to do a lot of
(20:16):
restructuring in my mind all the time, and all of
those coping mechanisms I had learned over the last few
years of recovery. I really had to start relying on.
I had to start recognizing what was triggering me. What
was you know, on those days I was having a
hard time and wanting to cry about my body changing.
What was that initial trigger? Was it stress at work,
(20:37):
with the stress with my husband? Was it something else
that came up for me, and that's a helpful tool
for anybody who's listening pregnancy or not to recognize that
you're I call it like activated. When you're in that
like anxious panic, need to do something to make this
feeling go away, whether that's restriction or bine or some
sort of compensatory behavior. Recognizing the trigger is one because
(20:58):
when you're in it, it kind of swallow as you whole.
And then taking a step back and saying, Okay, what
caused this? What got me here? And it might not
be obvious, like the minute before. It could be something
building up, It could be something the day before, what
is causing me to spiral. So that's just an everybody tip.
I feel like, yeah, exactly, And I think that's really
what I had to do in a lot of those moments.
(21:18):
And you know, for me, especially as a pregnancy progressed
and I could feel him kicking and moving, it was
being mindful in those moments to put my hands on
my belly to recognize the life that was growing within me.
That was a huge grounding for me to take myself
out of my head and into my physical body where
there was life growing. It really allowed for me to reprioritize, like,
(21:41):
what's actually important here? Is it this discomfort I'm feeling
with my body or is it this life that I'm growing?
And again a tip for everybody, pregnant or not pregnant,
there's always life in your body. And I think that
we are really afraid to It's gonna sound weird, but
to touch ourselves, like to even just put our hand
on our heart or belly, like the belly is such
a triggering place for our of course another person to
(22:03):
touch or ourselves as well. But when you feel, for me,
at least, yoga like really helped me connect to a strong,
beating heart. And when I felt it in my body,
it was like, there's life in here that's working so
hard for you, you know. And so just whether it's
your own life or or a baby growing in remember,
(22:24):
there's life and there's something to fight for. So I
think everybody can connect to that. So really, your your
unborn child was your fuel to continue to water and
nourish what's within. Yeah, exactly. But those early months before
the kicks, I would imagine are a little bit more
challenging because I don't know, I'm not I've never been
(22:47):
pregnant but I would just imagine that when like your
body is changing and it's not you know, that belly
bump that everybody kind of knows you're pregnant at that
in between stage where people are like is she pregnant?
Is she not? Or for yourself, you know, it kind
of looks like bloating, you know. Is that more challenging
just for like what women can expect. Yeah, well, I
think everybody is different. But for me, I think any
(23:08):
physical change for me, especially feeling that I looked bloated
all the time when normally I look not bloated all
the time, any change for me was hard for me
to really reconcile in my mind. But you got through
it without any eating disorder hiccups. Again, I had to
restructure and re prioritize things in my mind, but I
(23:28):
was able to keep my behaviors healthy and non disordered.
Even though sometimes those thoughts would come back up. They
would rage, and I had never experienced that in so
many years since being recovered or being in recovery for
so long, But I never acted on them. And that
was because I knew how important my child was and
their development that I didn't want to compromise their health
(23:51):
at all because of that. And then for the second pregnancy,
has it been different. It's been the same, I think
because in your second pregnancy, typically your body changes faster.
You know, you can gain weight quicker or look bigger faster.
At least for me, I was showing a lot sooner
than I was my first pregnancy. That's been more difficult.
(24:12):
And I think because I am dealing with looking a
little bit larger than I did the first time around,
because I'm showing quicker, that's been harder for me. But again,
I haven't been involved in any of the behaviors because
again I'm still restructuring and re prioritizing every moment. When
I have those thoughts that come in, I love that.
That's really helpful to kind of know that they're kind
(24:34):
of might still be coming in, but it comes in.
I restructure, I reprioritize, and what I do is different.
So let's talk a little bit about you. Just did
an Instagram post that I shared about how women speak
about your pregnant body, So not how you speak about
your body, but how others comment on a pregnant woman's body.
(24:55):
Can you tell us a little bit about what inspired
that post and the takeaways that we can learn about
what we should say to a pregnant woman if anything. Yeah,
so what inspired that, I think is just the amount
of comments that I received on my body all the
time when I'm pregnant. It seems for some reason that
when you become pregnant, everybody thinks that commenting on your
(25:17):
body is fair game. And a lot of these comments
come from really like well intentioned places, from loved ones
and family members who are just trying to make conversation
with you about being pregnant, and the first thing that
they say is based upon how you look, because it's
the first thing they're seeing. So it's kind of like
an easy introduction into having a conversation with you while
(25:38):
you're pregnant is commenting on your body. And I was
just getting so bogged down. I would be at work
and I would hear it from strangers who I had
never met before. You're so cute, or how far along
are you? Oh you're so tiny, or oh you look
bigger today from co workers, or from family members like
your belly looks so big, look how big you've gotten.
And it just it was being away at me and
(26:01):
I just knew I had to talk about it because
I know that I'm not the only one who deals
with that when they're pregnant, and every woman feels very
from what I've realized with friends and family, like has
a different internal feeling, whether it's insecure or secure about
the pregnancy. Many women that I know will say this
thing that literally makes me shiver, and they'll call themselves
(26:22):
f A T. I don't even want to say it,
because there's nothing wrong with the word fat, but in
the context of the pregnancy, it's just like what like, no,
you're not no, not fat, You're there's literally a baby,
and you know, like some woman will say that, and
someone when will just be like, I feel my best,
I feel my prettiest. My skin is more like you
know whatever. So you don't know what the woman or
(26:45):
what the individual is feeling that day, but regardless of
what she's feeling, you're making her think about it again
when you're commenting on it. Yet, I think that a
lot of it is done with not the intent to harm,
but normalization of the conversation. I mean, I know I'm
guilty of this a hundred twenty million percent, and also
just not knowing how how it's going to be received.
(27:08):
What does it feel like to have, Like I don't
I have this weird thing where I love pregnant bellies,
where it's like always want to touch them, even if
they're a stranger. And I feel like, looking back, I've
probably touched too many women's bellies that like we're like okay,
like they felt like they had to say yes, but
like it's so weird. How does it feel for you
for someone to touch your belly like a coworker. Obviously
I'm not touching stranger's bellies, by the way, but like
(27:29):
I just feel like I might have crossed the line.
And sometimes because I'm so excited personally for me, I
don't mind it when it's people that I know really well,
or even if it's someone who, like a coworker, for
it might not be super close to If they ask,
I'm I'm all for it because it is such a
strange thing for people who have never been pregnant or
anything like that. But I definitely don't want to strange
(27:53):
or asking like without consent. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to
be more conscious of that now for sure. So what
are some things that we can say to a pregnant
woman that makes her feel good. Yeah, I think it's
okay to comment on the woman's appearance in a positive
way that has nothing to do with their weight or
their body. So like bigger small, stay away from big
(28:15):
and small. Yes, let's keep away from that. I think
what is always nice thing to say is like, you
look beautiful, or pregnancy looks gorgeous on you, or you
carry so well. Those are all things that are great,
that are so knowledge in my belly without it being
big or small or too much or too little. And
then I think it's also being aware of why am
(28:36):
I going to make this comment? Do I actually just
want to say they're beautiful? Or am I just trying
to look for an entry way into asking them how
their pregnancy is going, Because then you could just say,
how have you been feeling like you're seven months along now,
how are you feeling with the approach of your second child,
or anything like that. It's probably safe. No, Yeah, I
think that a lot of the comments that we throw
(28:57):
around are seemingly benign but loaded and send the message
of validation or invalidation in the wrong way. Oftentimes, when
people lose weight and they're getting you know, the applaud
for the for the weight loss, you know, you're sending
that person further into Okay, I'm only love to notice
because I lost the weight wherein the pregnancy as well,
(29:18):
like oh, you're so small for that month that you're
in whatever, And that is also just like a mind twist,
if you will. And yeah, you don't know exactly how
it's being internalized for the person, but anyway, my point
here was that it's oftentimes with good intent and a
want to speak to the person and know how they're doing.
But instead of saying, how are you, how are you feeling?
(29:38):
How are you really? We throw in something that is
more surface and obvious. But if we tap in with
ourselves and we want to know, like how is this
person feeling, just say it because you're creating deeper connections
with people too. And that's what this is about, not
being afraid to connect with other people, because better to
connect than to offend. Right, Yeah, And I always say, like,
(30:02):
my weight and my pregnancy are the least interesting things
about me. There are so many things that you can
speak to a pregnant woman about that have nothing to
do with their weight, their body or anything like that.
We are so much more interesting and then all of
those things, So ask us about those things, check in
with us. We're still human beings, um and just like
you hopefully wouldn't comment on somebody's weight gain or weight
(30:25):
loss whether they're pregnant or not, hopefully you wouldn't do
that while they're pregnant as well. Okay, is there anything
that you want to leave us with before? Did we
miss any critical parts of your story or words of wisdom?
I mean, I think the words of wisdom I have
for anyone who might still be in the throes of
their eating disorder is that recovery is fully possible. And
it can feel so isolating and so lonely when you're
(30:46):
in the middle of it, but there is so much
life waiting for you outside of your eating disorder. You know,
when I was eighteen to twenty one, when I was
really in the midst of it and struggling with my
depression and my eating disorder, I didn't think I would
live past the age of one. And I'm twenty nine today,
and I have a husband who loves me, I have
(31:07):
a child who I adore, and another one on the way.
And most importantly, though you love you and I love me. Yeah,
and that's so important and it's something I never really
thought possible back then. So it is possible if you
can get professional help, get it, seek it out because
you deserve to live your life. And I believe you
said that your residential treatment was covered by insurance. Is
(31:29):
that correct? It was, yes, Corress. So I mean, I
think just to know kind of the options when it
comes to insurance covering this and recognizing how real eating
disorders are. So I just want to read one quote
that you had in your Instagram that I really loved,
and I texted you yesterday just asking if it was
your words, and you said that they were. So I
think maybe you should be a poet or something, because
(31:51):
I just love this you say. When tragedies occur, we
have two choices. We can curl up in a shell,
lose our faith and say iff it, what's the point anyway,
and hide our hearts to protect ourselves. Or we can
say effort, I'm going to give this life everything I've got.
I choose the ladder. I choose to use every last
breath I have on earth to love those around me
and say it until I'm blue in the face, to
(32:12):
live with passion and everything I do and do it
all with gratitude and joy. I'm not waiting for the
rest of my life. The time to show up is now.
Life is too short. I'm choosing to live it. That
is just I mean, Pulitzer Prize winning stuff. I just
that quote really speaks to me and put some fire
under the butt to live and go slow with an
(32:37):
open heart and recognize that the time is now. So
thank you Alexa for coming on and being such an
awesome guest. I'm sure we'll have you on again because
I have so many questions that we haven't even gotten to,
but you so bravely showed up and told your story
and we're all so grateful. Thank you so much. Thanks
for having me on and asking really great questions. Thanks.
(32:57):
I get you, appreciate you. They take it to the
Maybe that's Lisa, and we're just two girls that want
to have a conversation with you. Dear sixteen year old
Andrea hey gorsgeous, Dear younger Lauren. Each episode is stories
from people I would deprive myself. Why myself obsessively? Because
I was eating healthy? I couldn't understand that I had
a problem with food. Losing my period scared me the most.
My story starts when I was around seven. That's when
(00:24):
I started to hate my body. Body image is like
our inner picture of our outer self healthy behaviors. I
had a much bigger role at all health than the
actual number on the scales. Internal dialogue can be so
powerful and often it's super negative and critical in a
way that we wouldn't talk to other people that we
care about. When you start to share your story, that
(00:44):
gives other people the courage to share theirs. I know
you would be proud now of how far you have
come in your relationship to food, exercise, and to yourself.
I felt freedom, I've gained relationships. I've found my true
sense of self worth. There's one thing I need you
to take away. You're going to be okay, everyone, Lisa
(01:05):
here today it's going to be just me. Amy's out,
well not just me. We're actually joined by special guest
Alexa ray Ardito. Did I say that right? You did? Yeah?
And Alexa is amazing. She is an eating disorder survivor
how many months pregnant are you? Seven? Seven months pregnant
on her second baby? To tell us her eating disorder story,
(01:27):
because as we know, or if you don't know, every
eating disorder or disordered eating story is different. And really,
why I wanted to have Alexa on is not only
because she's a ray of light that we all want
to be around, but because what is it like to
be pregnant after being so fused to being very thin?
(01:47):
And I just want to hear about that from you.
But before we do, can you tell us a little
bit about your eating disorder story when it began for you? Even? Yeah,
so I think you just brought up something great. You know,
what is it like to not be thin? And before
I ever start my eating disorder story, I think it's
important to point out that I have always lived in
a thin body. And I say that because a lot
(02:09):
of people they're eating sorts may start because of the
commentary that they received around losing weight. Or is trying
to start a diet. So you just wanted to point
that out because I do think it is important. But
my inting sort of started back in two thousand and ten.
I was a freshman who had just enrolled in university
away from home, so originally I'm from Long Island and
I went to university up in Boston, and I was
(02:31):
a few weeks into the semester and really started to
struggle with depression and with anxiety. And I had never
felt that prior in my life. I had never suffered
from any sort of social anxiety or depression whatsoever. I
was a relatively happy teenager, and I think it was
because I was so out of my comfort zone, and
I was dealing with a lot of insecurities trying to
(02:53):
meet new people and trying to fit in and always
feeling like I was failing on some end of that
that I didn't belong. And I was also dealing with
a lot of changes from being away from home and
being away from the familiar parts of my life that
I had been so accustomed to for eighteen years. So
about six weeks into the semester, I was really struggling
with my depression and anxiety and it starts to manifest
(03:14):
in really unhealthy ways of eating and over exercising. And
I recognized that something was off because I was so
depressed and I was having trouble getting out of bed
every day and struggling to stay motivated at all, and
I decided to seek help. So I went to the
university therapist and sat down with her. And I'm lucky
now looking back that she was so intentional with her
(03:37):
questions that she was able to really dig in with
me and not just see the symptoms of depression and anxiety,
but that I was also struggling with disordered eating, and
she could also see physically that I was quite underweight
at that point, so she, I think, had a lot
of red flags raised in our initial and she sent
me right over to the university medical doctor to get
(03:57):
checked out. And I remember meeting with the medical doctor
and she was like, I think you have anorexia, and
that is a huge red flag for us at the
university because you could be such a liability to to
be living on campus and be so sick. Spring break
was just about to start that weekend. She recommended that
I go home and tell my parents that I needed
to enroll in a residential eating disorder treatment facility, and
(04:20):
I just remember being so shocked because to me, I
was doing everything that a normal and I put that
in quotations, a normal college student was doing. I was
watching my weight, I was working out, I was, you know,
struggling with being away from home. But didn't everybody That's
how I thought. Didn't everybody do what I was doing?
Isn't this just normal to be struggling with food? Isn't
(04:43):
this just a normal thing to be struggling with as
an eighteen year old female. So I remember going home
and telling my parents, who were also quite shocked because
they didn't expect that at all. And the next I
think three days later, I was up in Boston enrolling
in my first eating disorder treatment facility, which was the
residential center. So I spent the next eight weeks there. So,
(05:05):
just to back up for a moment, I met Alexa
in person a few weeks ago. We both live in
Long Island, and we were actually connected through a guest
who will not be named, but who told her story
bravely on season one of Outweigh And I meet Alexa
at an outdoor coffee shop and I see this radiant,
(05:26):
six months pregnant beautiful woman. I learned she's the manager
of Lulu Lemon down the road. And when you started
to tell me that you had an eating disorder, I
was not expecting for you to say that you went
to residential treatment. And how old are you now? Your
life just is so beautiful now and everything about you
exudes confidence and togetherness that I didn't expect you to
(05:52):
say that it that it went there, or that it
went there so fast. So anyway, just to kind of
give some like beautiful hope into you, and I think
you will continue to do so as we go to
this episode of the remarkable things that recovery can do
for you, which is really just to bring you back
to you, because like I just saw a complete aligned
(06:12):
human being. Within six months of going to college, it
rapidly turned into anorexia and you enrolled in treatment. Yeah,
it was. It was really quite quick. I feel like
it went from zero to a hundred. And I wasn't
expecting anything of the sort, because, like I said, I
wasn't really aware of eating stories at the time. I
wasn't really aware of anorexia or any of those behaviors.
(06:33):
And I think. You know, I can reflect back now
and see that probably when I entered treatment the first time,
I probably would have said I was more disordered eating
and not so much anorex in nervosa or maybe even
like orthorexia. But unfortunately, you know, I did spend eight
weeks in treatment, which I spent kicking and screaming for
eight weeks. I really resisted the treatment because I didn't
(06:55):
think I belonged there. I looked at the girls around me,
and I thought that they looked thicker, they were thinner,
and that my problems didn't really exist. And in that
eight week period I also really learned I had like
a crash course on what you disorders were, and I
think it was very triggering for me in a lot
of ways. So when I did step down and leave
that treatment center. So hold on back up for a moment,
(07:17):
because I'm not sure that everybody will understand that sentence.
I believe what you're saying is that you learned more
eating disorder tricks of the trade. You were a first
time or in treatment. You're only six months really into
experiencing anorexia or a eating disorder, whereas most of the
girls or women there probably had been in treatment multiple
(07:38):
times and had sometimes like decades of experience. If you will,
so you believe with more more tools, if you will,
to damage yourself. Yeah, exactly. And I think I learned
a new way of looking at my body negatively that
I had never had before because I was surrounded by
constant negative self talk by other women who had been
(08:00):
struggling for so long with body image and for me,
you know, you know, I started my my conversation with
you recognizing that I was always in a thin body,
and I think during that time period and treatment, I
really identified with being thin, and I identified with the
term anorexia that was thrown upon me because that was
who I was like. To me, even growing up, I
(08:23):
was the thin sister. I was always praised for my
body for looking a certain way, and putting that term
anorexia on me almost like gave me a fire to
keep that going and to keep that praise going. So
when I left treatment, yeah, I had all these tools,
as you said, I learned these new tricks of how
(08:43):
to keep that ideal body that I had always had,
and it really just over the next two years, I spiraled,
and I remember stepping out of treatment and just getting
sicker and sicker. So I spent the next two years
really sick, and I spent the next two years going
in and out of treatment. So you left college and
(09:05):
no more college. So yeah, I I had to leave
that university because of everything that happened with me and
rolling into residential um. I ended up in rolling out
of college on Long Island while also continuing outpatient treatment
at the time. But it really took me away from
that university, which is my dream. It had been my
dream for years. And instead, I you know, came back
(09:27):
to a local college instead and really just focused on
my eating disorder, which is so sad for me to say.
So yeah, the next two years, I just continued to
get sick and I was in and out of treatment centers.
I went ended up going back to that same residential
treatment center about a year and a half after my
original treatment, and that time I had actually volunteered myself
(09:51):
to go in because I recognized how sick I was
and I was miserable, and at that time I felt
like I was putting other people in jeopardy because of
my eating disorder, and I I share that I felt
like I was putting people in jeopardy because at the time,
I was nannying for family and I was taking care
of these three wonderful children. And I remember driving them
(10:13):
home one day from one of their activities and I
hadn't eaten and I don't know how long, and I
felt like I was about to blackout because I didn't
have enough energy. Meanwhile, I was driving a car with
three children in it, and that scared the crap out
of me. So that's when I decided to and roll
back into treatment. Yeah, so your wake up moment kind
of beautifully was a before disaster moment, which, like most
(10:36):
you know, sometimes we don't get so lucky. Sometimes it's
it's the disasters. So that brings you back to the
same residential treatment. And my question really in the beginning
was I think a lot of people have not so
good experiences at residential treatment, and other people are saved
by residential treatment, and I think it has to do
with your journey and where you're at and the treatment
(10:59):
center itself and your willingness and all of that. So
now now you're back, and what was this experience different,
I guess I should ask. I'm just kind of assuming
that this one was different, But I don't know it was.
It was completely different because I wanted to be there
and I wanted to receive the treatment, and I wanted
to get better because I had recognized from that last
year and a half two years that I couldn't live
this way. It wasn't healthy and I was putting other
(11:20):
people at risk as well as myself. So I was
only allowed four weeks. They're due to medical insurance reasons.
And I remember going in saying, I'm going to make
the best of these thirty days that I have. I'm
going to do everything possible for me to recover. And
I took in every tool, every resource, every therapy appointment
and really tried to use it to my benefit. I
(11:41):
was like that eager kid at the front of the class,
like really wanting to write everything down, um like raising
her hand when we had questions, like I was that
person for the therapy. You strike me as a perfectionist
in general, because you said you're the manager at you know,
Lulu Lehman, that's a that's a big job. We're recording
this at nine thirty in the morning, and your hair
(12:03):
is perfectly done and you know everything about you. So
I think that when it comes to your eating disorder,
though it could go either way. You're either going to
be really quote unquote good at your eating disorder or
you're gonna be really good at beating your eating disorder,
which you know is which way is it gonna fall
for you and your personality? Yeah, for sure? And I
think that time and treatment, I was the perfectionist, and
(12:27):
you know, I really took in everything I could. But unfortunately,
when I did step down and leave treatment, I still struggled,
and I still relaxed, and I still couldn't seem to
beat it no matter how hard I tried. My identity
was still so closely tied to the term anorexia or
anorexic and being thin, and that was a really hard
(12:51):
bond for me to break. So then what happened, well
was the next step for you? It was early two
thousand and twelve at this point, and what changed for
me was that I found my religion. I found my faith. Well,
let's back up a minute, because you grew up with
what was your family's religion, So I grew up pretty
much agnostic or atheists. My mom racist too, without any religion.
(13:14):
So that we could grow up and really choose whatever
we wanted, if we if we felt called to it
one day, but really more leaning towards atheist as I
was a teenager UM and when I was eighteen for sure.
So when you say you found my religion, does that
mean you chose one that worked, that that spoke to
you or one that you're paying Like, yeah, what tell
us a little more about that? Well, honestly, it came
(13:34):
out of nowhere, like I think a lot of things
do in my life. Things has kind of happened. But
for me, by the way, for me, what happened was
I was relapsing and having and having a really hard
time finding really strong footing to recover. And I ended
up finding an even newsorder, anonymous group UM and I
Celebrate Recovery Group, which is based out of a church
(13:55):
that was literally down the block from my house. It
couldn't have been more of a perfect situation. And I
went to one of these meetings, I was invited to
a worship night. And this is a Christian religion, it's
a nondenominational Christianity. For those who might be wondering what
I'm talking about, And so I go the next week
to this worship night. If you don't know what it is.
It's just a night where they sing songs to God.
(14:17):
It's like Christian rock music pretty much. And I was
sitting in a chair and there are people with their
arms raised around me worshiping God. And as an atheist
at the time, I was like, where is the nearest exit?
I'm so uncomfortable right now. And I just remember a
song was I don't remember the name of it, but
of something like come as you are, like all of
(14:38):
you who are broken, your loved here. And I remember
in that moment just feeling and seeing because my eyes
were closed, seeing my heart and in the shattered pieces
coming back together and being fused together, and this brilliant
light shining out of it. And I had never felt
so loved and so held and so whole in that moment,
(14:58):
and I remember just breaking down. And I left church
that day as a Christian, and that meeting with God
changed my whole life and changed the entire trajectory of
my life from the end of January two twelve to
where I am now. I have like chills and tears
and all those things. And what's super interesting to you
(15:19):
and the religion set situation is we just finished the
Jewish holidays, and you know you didn't wish me a
happy New Year. I think you texted me Lashna tofa
and I was like, this girl, I don't know where
to put her in my brain, Like you know he
said it. I was like, I'm so confused how she knows,
like how to say it in Hebrew. And and that's
(15:40):
what kind of makes you interesting because you also spend
time in Israel after that, right I did. Yeah, so
I had a weird life path after that, but I
ended up studying like Israeli studies in Jewish studies and
living in Israel first summer about like a year after
I got saved, So like that's what I love. It's
just like when you find religion in a way that
breaks your heart open, like when you described your heart
(16:02):
and like kind of like God holding space for you.
You're just a compassionate, kind person and you're interested in
different religions and that doesn't you know, you still have
your own faith. I don't know. I just find that
just so interesting about you. Like sometimes you can become
so fused to your identity, like that could have been
your only identity, and then you kind of close off
(16:24):
anything that's other. But you just keep like opening your
heart to more and that's that's cool about you. Thank you.
So you also did yoga at some point came into
your life. So what I want to point out with
my step into my faith was that it really gave
me a new identity, and it gave me a new
identity to hold onto instead of holding onto my identity
(16:46):
is only being thin. That's all that makes me important. Um.
I had this new identity within Christ and that was
huge for me. So I was able to see my
worth and my value. I knew that I was loved
beyond measure and I was loved beyond me germant and
that changed so much for me. And then about a
year later I found yoga. I just started practicing it
(17:06):
randomly at home when there was like a huge blizzard
and I was bored, and I fell in love with yoga.
And yoga gave me the ability to see my body
as something different than just a vessel to look at,
but something that I could really learn to work with.
And I was able to find that mind body connection
(17:26):
that I had never had before. My body was so
separate to me and I could never really quite connect
my mind and my body and how I was feeling together,
and yoga gave me that opportunity to really sit within
my body, be uncomfortable within stretches, and learn how to
be uncomfortable within what I was dealing with physically. Um,
and that also taught me how to be okay with
(17:48):
being uncomfortable with being full or being uncomfortable with gaining weight. There.
It just gave me a lot of different insights that
I had never had previously. Yoga did that for me
as well, similar to like faith, I think too is
like for me, like showing up on the mat every
day when I'm bloated, when I'm you know, super full,
like you said, like all those things that I used
to struggle with, and like I remember just the feeling
(18:10):
of your feet planted on the ground and being like,
you know, I got this, I'm here for me and
just kind of that that whole thing was was huge
for me, and I know it was a big part
of you in your life, and you taught for a
while too, so you just have so many interesting parts
of your healing journey that I think many people can
kind of relate to. Okay, So then you got married
(18:33):
down the line to your wonderful husband, and Charlie is
how he's two and a half almost two and a
half almost, and now you have another one on the way.
So let's talk about the pregnancy with Charlie. So you're
twenty nine now, so you were about twenty six. Yeah
when I had him. What year did you find your faith?
So I found my faith in two twelve and yoga
(18:53):
in two and then I met my husband the next
year in two thousand fourteen, okay, and then what you're
to do Charlie eighteen? Okay. So what was it like
to have your body changed in that way for the
first time? Was it triggering? Yes, and in a way
that I didn't think I would have. I thought because
I had been in reccovery for so many years and
(19:14):
had been doing so well, and that I was so
excited to become a mom that being pregnant and dealing
with the physical changes wouldn't phase me. That's why I
went into pregnancy like super excited. This isn't going to
bother me. I'm going to take it on, take on
the weight gain with like happiness. And as my pregnancy
progressed with my son, the first time, I had like
(19:34):
a stark awakening of this is harder than I thought
it was going to be because your body is just
changing so quickly, you know, again at zero two hundred,
really quick with pregnancy, all of a sudden you start
showing all of a sudden your weights going up and again.
Because I had lived in a thin body for so
long for my entire life, seeing my body change and
(19:56):
seeing the numbers on the scale go up to a
level I had never ever seen before was really difficult
for me to wrap my head around, and really difficult
for me to stay positive and in a positive mindset
during the pregnancy. So how did you I think, you know,
for me, relying on my faith it was a huge help,
But I think I had to do a lot of
(20:16):
restructuring in my mind all the time, and all of
those coping mechanisms I had learned over the last few
years of recovery. I really had to start relying on.
I had to start recognizing what was triggering me. What
was you know, on those days I was having a
hard time and wanting to cry about my body changing.
What was that initial trigger? Was it stress at work,
(20:37):
with the stress with my husband? Was it something else
that came up for me, and that's a helpful tool
for anybody who's listening pregnancy or not to recognize that
you're I call it like activated. When you're in that
like anxious panic, need to do something to make this
feeling go away, whether that's restriction or bine or some
sort of compensatory behavior. Recognizing the trigger is one because
(20:58):
when you're in it, it kind of swallow as you whole.
And then taking a step back and saying, Okay, what
caused this? What got me here? And it might not
be obvious, like the minute before. It could be something
building up, It could be something the day before, what
is causing me to spiral. So that's just an everybody tip.
I feel like, yeah, exactly, And I think that's really
what I had to do in a lot of those moments.
(21:18):
And you know, for me, especially as a pregnancy progressed
and I could feel him kicking and moving, it was
being mindful in those moments to put my hands on
my belly to recognize the life that was growing within me.
That was a huge grounding for me to take myself
out of my head and into my physical body where
there was life growing. It really allowed for me to reprioritize, like,
(21:41):
what's actually important here? Is it this discomfort I'm feeling
with my body or is it this life that I'm growing?
And again a tip for everybody, pregnant or not pregnant,
there's always life in your body. And I think that
we are really afraid to It's gonna sound weird, but
to touch ourselves, like to even just put our hand
on our heart or belly, like the belly is such
a triggering place for our of course another person to
(22:03):
touch or ourselves as well. But when you feel, for me,
at least, yoga like really helped me connect to a strong,
beating heart. And when I felt it in my body,
it was like, there's life in here that's working so
hard for you, you know. And so just whether it's
your own life or or a baby growing in remember,
(22:24):
there's life and there's something to fight for. So I
think everybody can connect to that. So really, your your
unborn child was your fuel to continue to water and
nourish what's within. Yeah, exactly. But those early months before
the kicks, I would imagine are a little bit more
challenging because I don't know, I'm not I've never been
(22:47):
pregnant but I would just imagine that when like your
body is changing and it's not you know, that belly
bump that everybody kind of knows you're pregnant at that
in between stage where people are like is she pregnant?
Is she not? Or for yourself, you know, it kind
of looks like bloating, you know. Is that more challenging
just for like what women can expect. Yeah, well, I
think everybody is different. But for me, I think any
(23:08):
physical change for me, especially feeling that I looked bloated
all the time when normally I look not bloated all
the time, any change for me was hard for me
to really reconcile in my mind. But you got through
it without any eating disorder hiccups. Again, I had to
restructure and re prioritize things in my mind, but I
(23:28):
was able to keep my behaviors healthy and non disordered.
Even though sometimes those thoughts would come back up. They
would rage, and I had never experienced that in so
many years since being recovered or being in recovery for
so long, But I never acted on them. And that
was because I knew how important my child was and
their development that I didn't want to compromise their health
(23:51):
at all because of that. And then for the second pregnancy,
has it been different. It's been the same, I think
because in your second pregnancy, typically your body changes faster.
You know, you can gain weight quicker or look bigger faster.
At least for me, I was showing a lot sooner
than I was my first pregnancy. That's been more difficult.
(24:12):
And I think because I am dealing with looking a
little bit larger than I did the first time around,
because I'm showing quicker, that's been harder for me. But again,
I haven't been involved in any of the behaviors because
again I'm still restructuring and re prioritizing every moment. When
I have those thoughts that come in, I love that.
That's really helpful to kind of know that they're kind
(24:34):
of might still be coming in, but it comes in.
I restructure, I reprioritize, and what I do is different.
So let's talk a little bit about you. Just did
an Instagram post that I shared about how women speak
about your pregnant body, So not how you speak about
your body, but how others comment on a pregnant woman's body.
(24:55):
Can you tell us a little bit about what inspired
that post and the takeaways that we can learn about
what we should say to a pregnant woman if anything. Yeah,
so what inspired that, I think is just the amount
of comments that I received on my body all the
time when I'm pregnant. It seems for some reason that
when you become pregnant, everybody thinks that commenting on your
(25:17):
body is fair game. And a lot of these comments
come from really like well intentioned places, from loved ones
and family members who are just trying to make conversation
with you about being pregnant, and the first thing that
they say is based upon how you look, because it's
the first thing they're seeing. So it's kind of like
an easy introduction into having a conversation with you while
(25:38):
you're pregnant is commenting on your body. And I was
just getting so bogged down. I would be at work
and I would hear it from strangers who I had
never met before. You're so cute, or how far along
are you? Oh you're so tiny, or oh you look
bigger today from co workers, or from family members like
your belly looks so big, look how big you've gotten.
And it just it was being away at me and
(26:01):
I just knew I had to talk about it because
I know that I'm not the only one who deals
with that when they're pregnant, and every woman feels very
from what I've realized with friends and family, like has
a different internal feeling, whether it's insecure or secure about
the pregnancy. Many women that I know will say this
thing that literally makes me shiver, and they'll call themselves
(26:22):
f A T. I don't even want to say it,
because there's nothing wrong with the word fat, but in
the context of the pregnancy, it's just like what like, no,
you're not no, not fat, You're there's literally a baby,
and you know, like some woman will say that, and
someone when will just be like, I feel my best,
I feel my prettiest. My skin is more like you
know whatever. So you don't know what the woman or
(26:45):
what the individual is feeling that day, but regardless of
what she's feeling, you're making her think about it again
when you're commenting on it. Yet, I think that a
lot of it is done with not the intent to harm,
but normalization of the conversation. I mean, I know I'm
guilty of this a hundred twenty million percent, and also
just not knowing how how it's going to be received.
(27:08):
What does it feel like to have, Like I don't
I have this weird thing where I love pregnant bellies,
where it's like always want to touch them, even if
they're a stranger. And I feel like, looking back, I've
probably touched too many women's bellies that like we're like okay,
like they felt like they had to say yes, but
like it's so weird. How does it feel for you
for someone to touch your belly like a coworker. Obviously
I'm not touching stranger's bellies, by the way, but like
(27:29):
I just feel like I might have crossed the line.
And sometimes because I'm so excited personally for me, I
don't mind it when it's people that I know really well,
or even if it's someone who, like a coworker, for
it might not be super close to If they ask,
I'm I'm all for it because it is such a
strange thing for people who have never been pregnant or
anything like that. But I definitely don't want to strange
(27:53):
or asking like without consent. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to
be more conscious of that now for sure. So what
are some things that we can say to a pregnant
woman that makes her feel good. Yeah, I think it's
okay to comment on the woman's appearance in a positive
way that has nothing to do with their weight or
their body. So like bigger small, stay away from big
(28:15):
and small. Yes, let's keep away from that. I think
what is always nice thing to say is like, you
look beautiful, or pregnancy looks gorgeous on you, or you
carry so well. Those are all things that are great,
that are so knowledge in my belly without it being
big or small or too much or too little. And
then I think it's also being aware of why am
(28:36):
I going to make this comment? Do I actually just
want to say they're beautiful? Or am I just trying
to look for an entry way into asking them how
their pregnancy is going, Because then you could just say,
how have you been feeling like you're seven months along now,
how are you feeling with the approach of your second child,
or anything like that. It's probably safe. No, Yeah, I
think that a lot of the comments that we throw
(28:57):
around are seemingly benign but loaded and send the message
of validation or invalidation in the wrong way. Oftentimes, when
people lose weight and they're getting you know, the applaud
for the for the weight loss, you know, you're sending
that person further into Okay, I'm only love to notice
because I lost the weight wherein the pregnancy as well,
(29:18):
like oh, you're so small for that month that you're
in whatever, And that is also just like a mind twist,
if you will. And yeah, you don't know exactly how
it's being internalized for the person, but anyway, my point
here was that it's oftentimes with good intent and a
want to speak to the person and know how they're doing.
But instead of saying, how are you, how are you feeling?
(29:38):
How are you really? We throw in something that is
more surface and obvious. But if we tap in with
ourselves and we want to know, like how is this
person feeling, just say it because you're creating deeper connections
with people too. And that's what this is about, not
being afraid to connect with other people, because better to
connect than to offend. Right, Yeah, And I always say, like,
(30:02):
my weight and my pregnancy are the least interesting things
about me. There are so many things that you can
speak to a pregnant woman about that have nothing to
do with their weight, their body or anything like that.
We are so much more interesting and then all of
those things, So ask us about those things, check in
with us. We're still human beings, um and just like
you hopefully wouldn't comment on somebody's weight gain or weight
(30:25):
loss whether they're pregnant or not, hopefully you wouldn't do
that while they're pregnant as well. Okay, is there anything
that you want to leave us with before? Did we
miss any critical parts of your story or words of wisdom?
I mean, I think the words of wisdom I have
for anyone who might still be in the throes of
their eating disorder is that recovery is fully possible. And
it can feel so isolating and so lonely when you're
(30:46):
in the middle of it, but there is so much
life waiting for you outside of your eating disorder. You know,
when I was eighteen to twenty one, when I was
really in the midst of it and struggling with my
depression and my eating disorder, I didn't think I would
live past the age of one. And I'm twenty nine today,
and I have a husband who loves me, I have
(31:07):
a child who I adore, and another one on the way.
And most importantly, though you love you and I love me. Yeah,
and that's so important and it's something I never really
thought possible back then. So it is possible if you
can get professional help, get it, seek it out because
you deserve to live your life. And I believe you
said that your residential treatment was covered by insurance. Is
(31:29):
that correct? It was, yes, Corress. So I mean, I
think just to know kind of the options when it
comes to insurance covering this and recognizing how real eating
disorders are. So I just want to read one quote
that you had in your Instagram that I really loved,
and I texted you yesterday just asking if it was
your words, and you said that they were. So I
think maybe you should be a poet or something, because
(31:51):
I just love this you say. When tragedies occur, we
have two choices. We can curl up in a shell,
lose our faith and say iff it, what's the point anyway,
and hide our hearts to protect ourselves. Or we can
say effort, I'm going to give this life everything I've got.
I choose the ladder. I choose to use every last
breath I have on earth to love those around me
and say it until I'm blue in the face, to
(32:12):
live with passion and everything I do and do it
all with gratitude and joy. I'm not waiting for the
rest of my life. The time to show up is now.
Life is too short. I'm choosing to live it. That
is just I mean, Pulitzer Prize winning stuff. I just
that quote really speaks to me and put some fire
under the butt to live and go slow with an
(32:37):
open heart and recognize that the time is now. So
thank you Alexa for coming on and being such an
awesome guest. I'm sure we'll have you on again because
I have so many questions that we haven't even gotten to,
but you so bravely showed up and told your story
and we're all so grateful. Thank you so much. Thanks
for having me on and asking really great questions. Thanks.
(32:57):
I get you, appreciate you. They take it to the
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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