CANDICE HORBACZ (EVA LOVIA): Former adult entertainment superstar shares intimacy secrets and breaks down the ideas of sexual expression!

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Caral, She's a queen. She's getting not afraid, so just
let it flow. No one can be with QUI Caral.
Learn this sounds Carole. I am here today with the

(00:30):
multi talented and fascinating human being. You're a mother, you're
a wife, you have you have such a wildly successful
career in so many ways, and you're just like a
super intentional person. I am so excited to be here
at Candice four box. And also you could know her
too as Eva Lovia. You are just You're just a

(00:50):
multi faceted and fascinating human being. And I just love
the twist and turns of your life and how you
My question this year for people with my podcast has
been because I interview just like you. You have an
amazing podcast called Chatting with Candice. You interview fascinating people.

(01:11):
My whole thing this year is tell me your cards
and how did you play them? Because to me, that
is the secret recipe of life. And we were kind
of briefly, Candice and I were talking briefly before we
started this podcast, and it's like, it's you just I

(01:32):
feel like you have just these opportunities in your life
to play your cards a certain way and It's like
you could have gone a million different directions, but you
figured out how to be the best and the brightest
in the areas that you chose to pursue. And everyone
has that way. There's no set way to live your life.
There's no set way to have happiness. But the way

(01:54):
to have happiness and the way to achieve like a
fulfilling life is to decide where you're talented, where you
can shine, what you're good at, where you can make
an impact, and then figure out how to excel there
and then how to keep pivoting into other areas of
your life, and like, what skills do you use to
become the best and become great and to achieve the

(02:14):
success Because so many people could be dealt a similar
set of cards, but they play their hand completely different
and they could say they don't and they haven't enjoyed
the ride, you know. So it's like that's what I'm
just so fascinated and so long winded intro into ukanics.
But just talk to me a little bit about the
cards that you have been dealt in life and then
how you have played them to create this amazing tapestry

(02:37):
of a life that you live and now you're just
you're so interested in healing people and sharing healing and
have natural healing, and I just am so curious about
your life. I think you're just an incredible human. Thank you.
I think that's like the best intro anyone has ever
given me. I feel very hyped up. Yeah, so thank you,
thank you, thank you. I was told recently did this

(03:01):
like kind of summit thing, and one of the speakers
was saying that when you find to find your purpose,
it's kind of this intersection of where your natural skill
set or abilities kind of create a vend diagram with
your trauma. So in the middle of that is where
you can find purpose. So a lot of times, especially
and I think our generation, we were taught to strive

(03:23):
for like very superficial things like money and status, and
it was very self centered. I think the movement now
is moving towards like how can I contribute, Like the
sense of contribution and rising tides raise all ships. So
the better that I do, the more that I can give,
and it just keeps kind of cycling back. So I've

(03:44):
been in both places. I've been in the superficial state
where I was chasing you know, followers likes status, notoriety. Obviously,
you know, money like everyone else. And then once you
reach like a certain success point with all of the things.
I mean, they've done study after study. It's like, after
your basic needs are met, like happiness doesn't really tend

(04:06):
to go up. And that's so true. And people that
maybe haven't reached up, they're like, it's easy to say
from your vantage point, but absolutely it is, because I've
attained all of these things and I still wasn't feeling
fulfilled or like pure happiness, not like not pleasure, not
like these momentary you know, like glimpses of fun and pleasure,

(04:28):
but like true happiness, like pure happiness, like being content
with yourself. So there wasn't some magic thing that happened
when you got the success, You got the fame, you
got the money, you had all the followers, you have,
all the eyes on you thinking you're beautiful and amazing
and talented, and you got all of it, and you
didn't have some magic switch. We're like, oh my gosh,

(04:48):
I'm floating a fairy dust. No, no, not at all.
And you kind of would expect that. You're like, well,
when I get that paycheck, when I get that contract,
when I get that number of followers, when I'm able
to walk into a restaurant and i have people asking
me from an autograph because that's how important and I am.
That's when I'll feel fulfilled and happy. And then when
those things start coming true and you're like, wait, I

(05:09):
don't feel good. In fact, I kind of feel a
little bit worse than before. And for me, that was
because I started focusing and like valuing these things that
don't have any inherent value, and I started to kind
of push away the things that did matter and the
things that were going to keep me whole and grounded.
So there was this very kind of like coming to
God moment that I had where I was at this

(05:32):
point where I was about to kind of like lose
the love of my life because of how I was
behaving and what I was prioritizing. And I was like, whoa,
Like what am I going to want when all of
this goes away? Because looks are fading money? Who really cares?
You know, at a real standpoint, like who really cares?
As long as your basic needs are met? And I

(05:54):
was like, no, what matters is the people that are
going to remember you and the people that show up
and things that are hard and when the cameras are
off and when the money's all gone. So it made
me have like this really big shift in perspective. So
I guess circle back to the cards question and how
you can have two people with the an identical hand.
A lot of it comes down to mindset. So your

(06:15):
mindset going into it. Are you looking at it from
prosperity and abundance and contribution or are you looking at
it from like a victim mentality and woe is me
and I'm owed something, or just like a very egoic place,
And I think just that shift which everyone is in
control of, It's just it's not easy, and it takes

(06:36):
a ton of work and a ton of introspection and
a ton of tears. But that mindset shift is going
to determine your reality. Preach it, and I feel you
because I have also lived both extremes, like I have
lived chasing the superficial, chasing the validation. Like I got
into the entertainment industry to be a country music saying,

(07:00):
and then I got on a reality TV and did
all sorts of shows because I wanted people to see
me and I needed validation and I wanted to prove
that I was worth something and I needed people to
tell me that, Like that's what I personally needed the
first part of my journey. And I always had a
good heart, it was a good person, but I was
pursuing all of this external validation because my ego needed

(07:22):
it so desperately. I was so fragile. I felt so
worthless without like about the things I could put behind
my name, like I'm Caroline Hobby, but here I'm also this,
this and this, and I always leave with I'm doing
this and I'm working on this, and I had to
tell everybody was doing all the time because I felt
like if I'm not doing something, I'm not worth anything
and so and if I don't look a certain way,
and if people don't think i'm pretty or if I'm
not like carrying myself as like sexy as other people are,

(07:45):
that I'm not going to be worthy. And so I
lived a lot of time just trying to like be
what I thought would bake me loved and accepted and valuable.
And then I hit this point where I was like
my soul really was getting tired. I think it's like
we can't do this, ego. Thank anymore, like you've got
to stop chasing what the ego and I realize, like

(08:06):
my soul, now I've really done a shift where I've
done same with you, so much internal work like hiring
life coaches, doing plantments that I love that you pursue
that just healing naturally, really trying to get well being
and an understanding for yourself and for your higher calling
and what you actually are contributing. And man, it's exhausting

(08:27):
and it's hard, and it's tiring, and you have to
rewire and it's not fun, and I feel like that's
probably why a lot of people don't want to do it.
But the payoff is life giving and you can't sustain
the other one, Like you're going to crash and burn
and it's going to wear you out. So tell me
how you got started, because now you are, you're helping
marriages be stronger. Based on your life experience, you can

(08:50):
take some of this most valuable information because let's just
be real, the world is motivated by sex and the
human and male, the human and female interaction and the
sexual tension that it drives the world. So you have
been in the center of it all. You have seen
the belly of the beast. You know what truly motivates
people because you started off an adult industry, and tell

(09:12):
me about that, Like what is that like being in
the middle of the center of the biggest focus of
humans and then how you took that and made it
into everything that you are now and now you are
using your whole life to bless others with this information
you have. Oh boy, that is that is so many pieces.

(09:35):
So I feel I feel like I've kind of seen
all of the different faces like help both like light
and dark and like heavy and like pure of all
of those energies. So I think when it comes to sexuality,
that's where creativity comes from in some kind of way,

(09:58):
where like quite literally, that is how you create life
is through that act. So I think sexual expression is
a fundamental part about being human. It's like what gives
us our uniqueness. And for some reason, somewhere along the way,
we have been taught that that coincides with shame and
that you're not allowed to separate those two unless it's

(10:20):
under very strict circumstances, like you have to wait till
you're married. It has to be for procreation, it has
to be for all of these things when before all
of that, I mean it was used as like this
very spiritual experience, right, Like a lot of people believe
that there's this integration that happens when when you climax
with somebody and that you're kind of offline, it's like

(10:42):
the most connected to consciousness that you can be, Like
you are completely separated from ego at that point and
you are integrated with your partner and it can be
this very healing, beautiful thing like everything else. I think
there's a dark side, and I think that it's because
it's so powerful. If you don't navigate it very intentionally,

(11:02):
then that is when you get into the controversial things
like exploitation, trauma or anything. Um Like a lot of
the that the critics are saying like about that industry,
it's just sexuality in general. And I think when I
got in, I still was pretty young, like I was
in my early twenties, and I don't think I fully
understood the gravity of that decision. Did I even get in.

(11:26):
I actually like so um, I started webcamming and that
wasn't for me, Like that was a little bit too
draining because you're it's a lot of take from that,
like so you have like your webcams set up here,
and then you have this chat room, and however, many
people are in it and you can see what they're typing.
You can't see anyone unless like you actively want to

(11:48):
do that, which most people don't. UM, So you can't
see anybody, but they'll tip and then they'll make requests
and it's a lot of teasing, a lot of um
just like trying to build connection. But some people, because
you can't filter out who's come in and what they're asking,
there's just a lot of like that taking energy and
not it's not like an even exchange, where with film
that's an even exchange, like we're both there for work

(12:11):
to create something like to create a piece of adult entertainment,
and then there's not this take like of course the
consumer either pirating it or buying it, like they're taking,
but that at tension, the actual birth of what you
made was like an action. What a great distinction. That's
a great distinction. Thank you. Yeah, that's like something new

(12:33):
that I've kind of like been playing around with because
I think we always are trying to like grow and
learn and try to like make sense of, you know,
past decisions and things like that, especially when you're raising kids.
You're like, well, what was I thinking there? So I
could explain that later. Um, but yeah, I think I
think I left webcamping because I just would feel drained.
I didn't feel empowered, I didn't feel sexy doing it.

(12:55):
So it's like I made a decision a long time
ago that I'm not going to do anything just for money.
Like that's I knew that wasn't going to make me
feel good. I would see the consequences of people that
made that decision and often ended up in like depression, anxiety, Um,
you know, prescriptions and maybe like some kind of like abuse,
whether it's like drug abuse or alcohol abuse. And it's

(13:16):
like that does not lead to they're taking so much
and people are kind of like selling pieces of themselves, um,
thinking that it doesn't it doesn't matter, there's not gonna
be a long term consequence. When I think it comes
down to authenticity, So like what are you like what
you're when it comes to your sexual authenticity? What does
that look like? So if you're into this genuinely, then

(13:38):
there's nothing wrong with it in my opinion, as long
as you know, no one's getting hurt, everyone's consenting all
of that, um, But there are people that would be
kind of kind of pushed into more extreme acts or
more um, more taboo acts because it pays more and
either like, well it's fine, it's just work. Well it's
not just work if your body is telling you you're

(14:00):
not comfortable with that. Agreed agreed okay. Yeah. So like
so that was really important to me. So that's kind
of why I left webcamming and I pursue a film.
So that's a brilliant distinction though, And that makes so
much sense because yeah, like if you're like, Okay, I'm
just gonna do this because I can make some money,
and like I'm you know, I feel okay with it,
like I'm agreeing to it, but then your body's saying

(14:20):
it's too much, it's too far, you're not getting like
you said, it's not the even exchange. But you do
it anyway, it's gonna it's gonna wear on your heart
like anything, even not just in this industry and anything,
when you push when your body and your soul's selling
you not to Okay. I love that, Candice. That's huge,
like such an eye opening moment for like me and
I'm sure everyone listening. Okay, you continue on. This is

(14:41):
is so fascinating. Um. So yeah. So I found this
website that I had seen in the past. It was
all just like all females, which to me was a
lot more welcoming, and it seemed like an easy entry
for me, Like it wasn't so deep into into into that.
In just I was like, Okay, I can kind of
like get my feet wet and see how I feel

(15:04):
doing it again. Like I wanted to ease into everything.
I didn't want to just jump in. So I found
this website and I reached out to them. We had
like a contact us on the bottom. This is before
Instagram was a thing or Twitter was really a thing,
so like you kind of just had to email. I
was like, do you try out or like how does
this happen? They're like, no, if anyone is telling you
there's an audition run away like that is not above

(15:27):
above board. Just send us a couple of photos and
we'll need your driver's license obviously to show that you're
of age, and um we'll move from there. So I
sent them all of that documentation and they're like, we'd
love to have you down in Florida next week. And
we'll start doing some scenes. And I was terrified, like
absolutely terrified. Yeah yeah, and I like I went down

(15:49):
by myself, which enriched like hindsight, like probably not a
great idea. I probably should have brought somebody with me,
but I went down by myself. It was like this
huge studio, professional hair, makeup, wardrobe, the whole thing. I
recognized a lot of the girls that were there, so
that was really exciting for me. I was looked up
to them. I was like, while these women are just

(16:10):
like total goddesses and have channeled that, you know, that
sexual femininity. That was what I was kind of looking for. Unfortunately,
my first scene wasn't great because the woman that was there,
I was like asking her to kind of mentor me
because I had it was my first scene. I'm like,
I don't know what I'm doing, Like, please, like give
me any kind of guidance. You're acting now too, I

(16:32):
mean it's like you're acting as well, so I mean
that's like jump into because now, yeah, I mean the right,
there's camera guys there, sound guys like it's not you
ever been like, you know, like nude or clothes on
film in front of people. I mean there's also that
initial shock you've got to get used to totally. But
I mean it translated well. I mean that scene did

(16:55):
extremely well for the website. I think it was because
I was like a deer in headlines. Yeah we can
tell that this is real. But yeah, she wasn't really
helpful or like open to again contribution, right, So I
think there was a lot of ego happening there. But overall,
obviously I had a great experience. I was like, this
is this kind of feels like where I'm supposed to be.

(17:16):
So I stayed and kind of very slowly started adding
to I guess like where I was comfortable. So I
did the girl girl thing for a while, and then
I was with my husband, my now husband, the whole time.
So everything was a conversation. That's so awesome, And I
can't wait after we hear this story. I want to
hear about all of the things that you guys apply

(17:39):
to your marriage now because of him walking side by
side with you. I mean, you got to have some
real great marriage things that you hang on to and
really like anchor you. So I cannot wait to hear that. No,
he's an incredible man. But yeah, so we everything was
a conversation. I was offered a couple contracts very early

(17:59):
on to do Boy Girl, and he was like absolutely not,
Like I that's a terrible idea. I was like, okay, okay,
just kind of like threw it in the back burner.
And then I got offered this opportunity that I was like,
this could be huge for my career, and it was
like it was this competition for this company I had
always wanted to work for. So we talked about it
for probably two years at this point, and he's like, Okay,

(18:21):
I do not want to make decisions for you, like
if you feel like that's what you want to do,
and like this is an authentic curiosity of yours. I'm
not going to get in the way. I can't guarantee
how I'm going to react to this or respond to this.
I'm going to try to be there for you, and
if i'm not, I'm not, but I like wish you

(18:42):
the best no matter what. Like it wasn't this hostile
saying to be a deal breaker, but I'm going to
try to make it not be one. Okay, you got
to appreciate the honesty, total honesty, and like, looking back,
it's like, wow, he trusted me enough to be that
honest and how beautiful is that? Hard man? Okay, So
so was it a competition and what did you have

(19:03):
to do in the competition? Actuals like sex scenes like
boy girl sex scenes. So there was like a risk
that I did all of this too and then like
didn't win, you know what I mean, So like going
into it with that was a huge risk, and then
risking the relationship was very real. But I just felt
like I felt this pole, like this indescribable pole, and
it in the moment, like at that stage of my life,

(19:23):
I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be,
and like that sexual expression, that sexual freedom was very
important to feel that you wanted the sexual expression, like
that your body was calling for that. You're like right,
It did not feel scary. It felt like it felt
a good feeling. It was energizing, it was exciting, It
felt honest. Like that's like the best way I can

(19:46):
explain it. And I know that's going to be like
so hard for people to grapple with, and it's not
for everybody, you know what I mean, Like we all
have sexual expression, but that is like that's such a
spectrum it's such a spectrum. It might just like however
you decide to use that as long as like you're
conscious of you know, all of the pieces, I think,
go for it. It's all different. We all have different um,

(20:09):
different drives and like different ways of showing that. What
was the expression, Like what was the exciting part to you?
Like what did you want just to see what you
were capable of the chemistry with people? Like what was exciting?
What was the call? It was like I think that
the like women in general, we have such a life force,

(20:30):
like we if you channel your like divine femininity, you
can control an entire room. And that's not like a
weird like weaponizing way. It's just like a more of
a magnetizing way, like you can show up in like
be that center of the room. Like that's such a
powerful tool that you can have. So and I think

(20:52):
you know you can have that well into into aging two.
It's not like just like reserved for the youth. Like
that feminine energy is ultimate power. And I think I
was trying to kind of like channel this goddess energy.
It's like how much can I really get into like
this space of ultimate femininity, ultimate sexual expression, Like having

(21:13):
like that kind of goddess worship. It's kind of like
a new age version of that in my mind, Like
that's what pornography or erotica can be, is like a
form of that. It's like worshiping the feminine. So it's
like how much how deep into that feminine space can
I get? And of course, like there were bumps along
the way where again like I was leading more with

(21:36):
ego and definitely not in a light a light place,
but well, how it feels amazing to have people literally
worshiping your body and your expression because literally to have
the confidence to be fully nude and in that sexual
expression for people to see, like you must be so

(21:57):
able to go so like rely so much into that
power and that feminine energy, to be so amazing at it,
because like most people can't let themselves be free and
be the goddess and have that energy flowing, especially knowing
people are watching, you know, But the fact that like
you can like channel all that and then have people

(22:18):
receive it and see you as this goddess energy, I
mean that has to feel amazing for your ego. I
mean I can't even imagine, especially like if you went
in with that intention you know. Oh yeah. So then
again it's like you have to constantly be checking in
is this for me? Or is this ego talking? Is
this light? Is this dark? And when you're in it,

(22:38):
it's hard to see right, It's like the fish is
the last one to see the water. So again, like there,
it definitely it presented an opportunity for growth and kind
of like fortifying my relationship with my now husband because
I think marriages or just like any kind of relationship
in general, like you want to strive for that anti
fragile title. So it's like, when tested it, it's stronger,

(23:00):
not like let's just make it strong, but anything that's
strong can still be broken. So it's like, how can
we make this actually stronger through um, through trials and tribulations.
So that's kind of how our approach that we've taken out.
So how did he handle it? So you did the competition? You,
I'm guessing did great at it. Oh I won? Yeah?

(23:23):
I mean basically you knew you're being called towards this
for a reason. You're like, I'm gonna win the whole thing. Okay,
So you won. So and this is your first guy
girl situation, so a lot of newness. A lot of
like a lot of energy now has entered your relationship too,
in your life because now you're opened up to a
whole new world and more people see you. You're you're

(23:44):
on a bigger level now. So now and now it's
guy girls. So it's like, okay, so now your husband's
like your boyfriend at the time or fiance was. It
was like, I'm going to see if I could hang
in there. I'm gonna try, but I can't promise you
that I will, especially now that like you're doing guy
girl in the whole world is you doing this? It's
like that is a lot. So how did that? How

(24:05):
did he handle it? Because clearly I are married with
two kids, and you have so many insights about marriage.
Now what happened in that moment with y'all? So there
were ebbs and flows, like there were times where it
was easy coasting, absolutely no jealousy, negativity coming in, just

(24:25):
like at peace with it, and we were both able
to kind of compartmentalize like that's work. Like it didn't
affect jaws intimacy. No, I don't think so, not for
a long time. At some point it definitely did. But
um where it would start to get difficult was actually
people that were the closest to us. So you would
hope that the people nearest to you are supportive, and again,

(24:47):
if everything is healthy and above board, they'd kind of
approach it with less judgment. But a lot of it
it's there's this new saying that a lot of people say,
which are are people are mirrors? Right? So if you
if you're trigger by something, it's more of something that
has to do with you. It's like a piece of
you that you're not comfortable with or that needs to
be worked on, or or something along those lines. So

(25:10):
when it comes to sexual sexuality, a lot of us
have so much shame around it and we don't know
how to express it in a healthy, non judgmental way.
So if there's someone like me who's openly expressing it
without any qualms about it, they're like, wait, if she's
doing that, there must be something wrong with the way
that I'm doing it, And that just kind of like

(25:30):
creates this waterfall effect and then I'm like the you know,
the outlet for them to like throw all of that
negative energy at. So people would do that to me
and my husband like howl, how could you let her
do that, which is my favorite, because you don't have
ownership over a person. Even now, I don't have ownership

(25:51):
over my husband. He doesn't have ownership over me. I
don't have ownership over my children, like I'm here to
shepherd them. I want to help cultivate a person and
I want to make them the best oak tree that
they're going to be, or the best like apple tree.
I don't get to decide what they're going to be, right,
and apple tree is always going to be an apple tree,
but I can help make you the best, strongest, most

(26:12):
healthy version of that apple tree. So that this idea
that he let me is just insane because again there's
no ownership. It's like we're co creating this life together.
And his decision was to see what happened, right, He's like,
I'm going to lean into this really hard thing and

(26:32):
I hope that I can make it through it because
I love you. And I was the same way. I
was like, I hope that we can make it through
it because I love you. But at the end of
the day, like, did you want to be left with
this resentment that, oh, well, I'm not where I wanted
to wanted to be with my career or I didn't
get to express myself the way that I wanted to
because he gave me an ultimatum. So it was a

(26:53):
huge risk that we both took, but obviously it paid off.
But yeah, so I would find his anchors, like how
did y'all move through these hurdles when you hit them
and become anti fragile? So he is one of the
most like resilient people I've ever met. Like if he
sees adversity, he jumps in. He's like, Okay, this means

(27:15):
I'm supposed to pay attention to it or most people
run away, Like he finds that like that draws him.
So he was like, Okay, this makes me feel angry, jealous, sick,
whatever it is. I'm gonna I'm gonna live here for
a little bit. I'm gonna really feel this and get
down to the core of like where is that shame?

(27:35):
Where is that jealousy? Whose coding is this? Right? Like
is this mine? Is this given to me through the
way I was parented, the way that I was brought up,
where Like he will totally dissect every single thing to
get to like the fundamental inception of it. So he
he calls himself out. He doesn't get stuck in his
initial ego reaction. He's like, I'm going all the way down. Good,

(27:59):
He's like, we're we're doing this. So then once he
gets there, and I mean I try not to speak
too much for him, but like just through our conversations
that we've had about it, it's like, Okay, do I
want to keep this or do I want to toss
it now? So like you are in full um agency
of like what what you want your your story to be,
like your perspective of reality to be. He gets all

(28:19):
the way down to his actual truth, like the truth
for him, not all the layers of the bullshit that
have affected it, like he said, by all the lenses
of you know, the filters of people who affected him, experiences, whatever,
it's the truth. He gets down to his truth, and
then he looks at his truth and decides if that's
the truth, that what he wants to do with it, right,
I wants to be forward. That's amazing. Yeah, So a

(28:40):
lot of that, and then he would kind of he
would urge me to do the same because there's times where, um, again,
like I was making decisions that were just like, well,
this is best for Eva, right, I wasn't making decisions
the best for Candice or what a beautiful name I
So I always loved the name Eva. I just found

(29:01):
it to be like this very sexy like it kind
of embodied that goddess element. And then Lovia like didn't
exist yet, so we I just stumbled upon that with
playing around with names that did so um way like
just more um like accounting purposes, I wanted to be
able to TRADEMARKT that way. No one else could have
that name, so through Google searches, I would be the

(29:22):
only one that would come up. So that was more
pragmatic than than anything else. Does lovia mean something about it?
There's just a beautiful name. No, it's just something that
I liked. Yeah, and it didn't exist. So I was like, Okay,
I'm gonna do this and and then own it. I
want to get back to making decisions for Eva instead
of Candice to affect the family, because I think that

(29:42):
is such a great point that so many of us
get lost in when our careers or momentum is really rocking,
you know, and it's like it's going you know, you're
getting it, and it's like, of course Eva's gonna you're
gonna be thinking about Eva because even's on fire so um.
But I love with this journey though. I feel like

(30:03):
because sometimes like in my heart as a very like totally,
I think, like we talked about earlier, there are so
many ways to be happy and express yourself. And I literally,
as long as people feel like they're following their passion
and aligns with them, I'm like everyone needs to do that,
like whatever your passion is and follow it. But like
with this industry in particular, sometimes, like you said, I

(30:25):
feel like women get pushed into things that make them
feel uncomfortable or not safe, and that's where my heart
goes out. And I feel like with you, you held
your boundaries so well. It seems that like you never
as soon as you felt yourself getting pushed, which would
be very easy, into something that you weren't comfortable with,
you were able to keep yourself safe for you. It

(30:48):
feels to me like that you did such a great
job of like always protecting yourself and making sure you
were honoring yourself, and that is so amazing. That's so
awesome that you had that like that protection around you,
that you just knew how to look out for yourself. Yeah,
and I wish more women were comfortable saying the word no.

(31:10):
And for some reason, women tend to be more psychologically
agreeable than men, Like they've done a lot of these
studies and for some reason, that's where we land. You
have to be disagreeable in situations that are asking a
lot of you, whether people trying to push you a lot. Oh,
I got ended up actually getting fired because of it.

(31:30):
So but you let you said, okay, I'll be fired
instead of doing this. I got fired and I got blacklisted,
So that means so what happened, It was a lot
of little things. So again, I've always been pretty disagreeable,
Like I have more of like a masculine tendency that way,
and a lot of that is my upbringing. I had

(31:51):
like a pretty rough childhood, so I did have to
protect myself. I had to protect my siblings. So that
was and it's a blessing right like everything else. It's
like it's a mindset and how you view it, so
I'm stronger for it. It's not it's not to like
cast shame at any of my parents or anything like that. Um.
In the end, it actually it served me in adulthood,

(32:13):
so i've i've I learned from an early age like
how to create those boundaries. Unfortunately, that's not that's not
a lot of people, but throughout my career, so within
the adult entertainment industry, it's kind of a monopoly. There's
really one company that owns most of the of the
smaller companies, there's a couple outliers, but generally speaking, so

(32:36):
when now it's contracted with one, whatever happened there kind
of would bleed out and have an effect on the
other ones. So simple things like and maybe this isn't
going to sound simple to a lot of the listeners
because obviously I'm probably a little bit more desensitized to
some of these things, but simple things about like certain
positions or where the guy would finish. Um, So those

(32:59):
were like the small things, and I guess to make
a bigger deal out of it. So I have like
I have endometriosis and pcos and anyone that has that
knows that sex can be very painful at times. So
positions is actually was always a big thing for me.
I'm like, I can't do that today my body's telling
me I can't do that. And then unfortunately a lot
of men are the directors and a lot of men

(33:19):
are the ones in the offices, and they don't understand that.
They're like, it's just a position, and it's like, it's
not just a position, and would and I would hold
steadfast on that, and then that they'd be like, oh,
she's such a diva because this is such a little
thing that she's making into a mountain, and you know,
So that was where it started. Where it started to
get even worse was I was flying to the UK
a lot for work, so I had no social connections

(33:42):
out there. I'm by myself and I would show up
to set and everything has a price, right, So like
if you're doing a girl girl that's a price, a
boy girl as a price, a group scene as a price.
You know, as it gets more extreme, the money gets bigger,
which is kind of what we talked about earlier with
people sacrificing their comfort for money, because those big acts
have a lot of dollar signs at the end of them.

(34:04):
So I'd show up for what it's supposed to be
a regular boy girls scene and they're like, actually, it's
gonna be like a gang bang or something, or it's
going to be an orgy, and you're going to just
have to sleep with everyone on set. And I'm like
absolutely not. First of all, I never because when you
have a contract or when you're showing up to set,
you have like your guesses and your nose, so what
you're comfortable with and not. I've never had the discussion

(34:25):
with you guys about this. I've never said that this
is okay or this is within bounds. Um let alone,
like we're just gonna do it without a conny you
anymore and then not pay me for it. Yeah, just
gonna slip that one in, right, because they know through
you know, through their experience that it works. And it
was like said, I'm gonna make I'm gonna step it
up and just act like you have to just be

(34:47):
okay with it, that you'll just agree, like because a
lot of women would. Because a lot of women would.
So they're like, it's worth it's worth the risk on
their end because then they're saving a bunch of money
and then they're making a lot more um once it
goes out. So it's like absolutely not. And they're like, well,
we we're gonna have to hold up the whole shoot
day and like, I guess we're holding up the whole
shoot day. This is not what we agreed on. So

(35:08):
we agreed on Yeah, that would that would happen. I
would show up for you, Candice, and you would hold
your ground. Oh yeah. They would try to talk crap
about you and be like she's so high maintenance and
a diva. You're like, no, I'm just doing what I
agreed to do. M m no. So eventually, like things
like that kept happening to the extent where I showed
up one day and they expected me to do like
an anal scene without telling me, and he's probably to

(35:30):
prep for that a little bit, yes, And I was like,
first of all, like that is that is such a
big deal. That is such a big deal. I need
a lot of details about like who you're going to
be doing this with, Like you need I know, my
anal ready for action. Unless I was going to give
a little a little ahead of time. No, And that's
not something that could like make or break a career too,

(35:51):
you know totally. Girls will like wait, they'll wait towards
like the end of their career or like the middle
of their career to like save that because you can
meet serious money on it. And if you just kind
of like casually do it. Now that's gone and they
expect that every moment and you're not just gonna casually
do it. Like, if you're gonna do it, it's gonna

(36:12):
be like you're gonna have set up the scene correctly.
This is gonna be you're gonna be paid for this,
like it's a moment that you have prepped for because
this is like something it's a golden ticket that you're saving.
You're not going to do this all the time, no exactly.
And then if you just do it at like this
crazy low price and there's no like there's no marketing
behind it, no promotion behind it. Not now everyone expects it. Yeah,

(36:33):
they're like, okay, well she's gonna do this every scene
for no money. Like no, that sucks. It's terrible. So um,
I sex because you're already in this position where you're
showing up to work and they're just trying to slide
it in there. And if you need the money, or
if you don't have the ability to have boundaries and
speak up for yourself like you do, it would be
very easy to be steamrolled. Oh yeah, and no one

(36:55):
has your back, and I mean, unfortunately there was a
woman director on set that day and shen't say anything
because she was just worried about herself. She can't say anything.
Did you end up doing a scene? Did they like, no,
get back you got? Did you get paid? Or did
you get fired or what happened? No, So we ended
up just doing like a regular scene, like the regular
scene doing YEP, And everyone was like, I can't believe

(37:18):
this is happening to me. I'm like to you, um so,
I had a really big social media following, comparatively speaking,
and I'm like, if they're doing this to me, who
has like this platform, who is supposed to be their
contract star, imagine what they're doing to some girl who's
just coming in. So I'm like I and I felt
like this maybe it's like oldest child, you know in

(37:40):
my upbring. I was like, I have a responsibility to
bring this to light, so I put it on all
of my social media's. I was like, this is unacceptable.
This happened to me, And I immediately got a call
from headquarters and they were like, you're terminated, Like you're
fired basically comes to us because there worth, you know,
billions of dollars. They knew it wasn't going to happen

(38:02):
and did this happen? Even in like the day and
a that we're in right now, where I feel like
women when they speak up, they are like you need
to listen when a woman speaks up, you know, like
not for not for women in my niche because even
like the feminists hate us, you know what I mean,
So we're kind of looked at as the deplorables and
um yeah, unfortunately, like no one wants to listen to anytime,

(38:26):
Like it's almost like the old saying of like they
asked for it, which is so gross. But it's because
we're in the sex industry that anytime something goes wrong,
whether it's um because I mean you can be raped
out on a porn set like that sounds crazy to people,
but they're still can be forwarded Like would they couldn't
they tell that you that the person wasn't in wanting it?

(38:48):
Like what do you mean? So how could it go
from the consent and the agreement to so just so awful?
Like what how does this? Where does it switch? What
goes on that makes it unsafe all of a a sudden,
So it depends. So if you're working for smaller companies,
you're at a greater risk than if you're working for
these bigger companies, just because the bigger companies are ran

(39:10):
more like an actual business and there's you know, they're
aware of the liability. The smaller ones are more underground
and like they're like, we're never going to see this
girl again, so it doesn't matter. So those are a
little bit more dodgy. But I mean, even sex in
your real life, it's this constant nonverbal communication and dance
that you're doing, so you have to kind of always
be checking in with your partner. Are they okay with this?

(39:33):
What's their body telling me? Does she seem like she
wants me to do? You know, it's again like nonverbal communication.
Not everyone is good at that, And sometimes when you're
doing a set, especially if you're working with a more
aggressive male performer, they might think like their brand is
to be a little bit more violent. And it's not
to say that they're trying to hurt you. I think

(39:56):
it's more of this ignorance, which doesn't excuse it. I'm
not trying to victim blame or anything. We're just saying
how it could happen, right, So like in their mind,
there being this character and their character is more of
like this violent domineering guy that you're on board with it,
and they think you're on board with it. If you're
in the middle of a sex scene and all of
a sudden some guy punches you, it's like, well, what

(40:19):
are you going to do here? So again we go
back to a lot of women are agreeable. We go
back to you might be the only woman on a set.
It's not very normal. But I've seen it. And when
do you see that documentation and anyone watching it would
be like this is too far? Or do people like
that are there's some people that most people I don't
think enjoy it. I don't think most people do, but

(40:41):
there is like a small group, and I don't think
we get into healthy expression and unhealthy expression. I think
that is very clearly unhealthy expression, even if the other
party is saying that's okay. Like I don't believe that
everyone involved has done that introspection and understood why it
as they think they want that, because I don't think
that there should be a place for violence with with sexuality.

(41:04):
Like I just that's not to say like not kink right,
like you know, a little whatever, but like actual violence.
I don't think there's any place for that. So again,
like what will happen is like maybe something and maybe
it's not something as over as like a punch to
the face, like let's say it's a position, or maybe
it's choking, or maybe it's just a little smacking around.

(41:24):
And unfortunately, we've normalized slapping women's so much that when
you see it, you might be like, oh, well, that's
not a big thing, but to her that could have
been an extreme violation. So again, we've normalized it so
much that she feels like she can't say anything because
she's just being a baby, or maybe there's not a
space where she feels comfortable saying, hey, cut, I'm not

(41:45):
okay with that. It's just a lot of moving pieces,
so's it can happen a lot easier than you would think,
which is why I think there does need to be
some reform in the industry, Like there should be a
sex counselor on set, like we have to me see
coaches for mainstream, we don't have it for porn. How
is that a thing? That's crazy to me? You know,
the age of entry think like little things like that,

(42:07):
but it can't have women's voices more like where you
feel comfortable to safe. Like also like just starting with
the contracts, like here it is, this is like any
other business deal. This is what is agreed and what
is not and each person does what is on the contract,
you know, like it's a business transaction, you know, and
you're the talent of it, you know. Just respecting those

(42:30):
guidelines and not making the women feel like when those
lines it pross, they just have to go with them. Well,
that's why I like what I see shifting right now
within the industry. So we kind of had this old
model of you had to work for these dinosaur companies
that have been around forever and it's all male run
and you're disposable. Like that's kind of been the narrative.

(42:51):
Now we see platforms like only Fans, which you know
is still very polar polarizing conversation. But women at the
end of the day are in charge of their and
their content and their brand and their distribution like they
are they have total agency. So that is a step
in the right direction. There's no one saying you have
to make this, and of course there's probably some dodgy

(43:11):
accounts that are little, but I'm saying if you follow
a porn star, like someone who has a serious following,
and she's like, I'm making this content, then you kind
of know that you're consuming ethical content, like no one
was coerced and she was consenting in all of those acts.
So I think that is a huge movement that really
should be looked at as improving and kind of elevating

(43:34):
towards the past paradigm. So that's that's a good shift
in my mind. I love that, and I love and
I'm so sorry that the stigma is, oh well, she
deserved that, Like that's that sucks, you know why, because
that can Sex is everywhere, you know, it's it's what
fuels this whole world. And to act like women don't

(43:56):
have erotica desires or men don't either. And the only
thing that I think needs to change is what you're saying.
And there just needs to be absolute respect and boundaries
held up and like like have coaches have people on
boards like a football game, you have all the paramedics
there in case something goes wrong. You know you're protected
all that Just you just need it to be fully

(44:16):
instead of it being like, oh my gosh, this some
of this darkness can happen because you know, it can
kind of slip under the radar and go underground and
people can't maybe speak up or be heard. It's like,
it just needs to be open in the air and
run openly and clearly and with all the same respect
that you deserve. Because sex is what fuels the world,

(44:38):
I mean, and it's happening, So why not make it safe?
Why not make it great for the people who feel
called to express themselves in this way? Why not make
it something beautiful and take all that stigma away, because
it's ridiculous, it really is right, and you have the like.
It comes down to the consumers, So you have the like,

(44:58):
you have the power to again make it safe above
ground and allow a space for people to express them
themselves in a healthy fashion where everyone is consenting. Or
you can just like cast these stones because you have
these moral beliefs or these religious beliefs or whatever that
programming is, and you say, well, if it's not for me,
it's not for anyone. And that's insane to me because

(45:21):
I'm kind of like a freedom maximalistem like, as long
as it's not hurting anyone else, I believe people should
be allowed to do what they want to do. I mean,
look at if you look at erotica just throughout time,
it's never been the same thing. It's always been this
evolving concept. So there could have been beautiful Renaissance paintings
that at the time were unimaginable, like they were against

(45:45):
the Church, which is why they chopped off the penises
off of all of those statues back in the day.
So if you go to Italy, a lot of those
statues are missing the penis, and that was because that
was considered vulgar for the time. And now we look
at them and like, what a shame that they deface
that art. That's how we look at it now. So
I would challenge anyone who's like, it's not art, it's
not a valid expression. I mean you have to look

(46:07):
throughout time of how we've evolved the way that we've
looked at sex, even just from the past two hundred years.
So just because it's not a creative outlet for you,
or you're not in touch with you that side of you,
doesn't mean that someone else isn't valid in their right.
And again that not all porn is art, right, there
is a dark underbelly, absolutely, But I'm saying you can
tell the difference. If you watch something beautiful, you can

(46:29):
tell the difference. So you can tell when people are
in their bliss and they want to be there versus
something that your body is having this visceral response like
this isn't above ground. You know the difference. But yeah,
so to say like pornography is a blanket statement, it's bad. Well,
people used to say that about those beautiful marble statues
that are now missing their penises. Okay, I love that

(46:51):
so much, so I am totally for it. Like, and
I like, I'm my husband and all, and I like
to keep our relationship spicy, like we like to try
new things, and like I have no issues with porn
or anything like that. Besides, I had an issue with
which I'm so glad to talk to you about, is
like I don't want to watch any of this if
I know those women don't want to be there, like

(47:13):
to me, you know, it's like for me, I'm like
and like if I casually, like you know, you want
to have a spicy night, you want to throw on
some porn or whatever. But it's like I think that's
great to spice it up, but like I don't want
to be a part of anything that is not supportive
of women, you know, and like that isn't a their choice,
and like you're saying them wanting to participate in this
and not feeling like they have to or they're you know,

(47:35):
it's all these other reasons that aren't serving their highest good.
Like I don't want to be a part of that.
So how can you if you are someone like me
who is just like totally supports with women expressing themselves
and doing this and it's great and I can enjoy
the beauty of it as well, but I want to
make sure I'm on the above board side of it,
Like I don't want to get involved in the dark underbelly.

(47:57):
I don't want to support that. How do you know
that difference? Like, how do you know? It's really difficult.
So there's a lot If you look google ethical porn,
some websites will pop up. A lot of them are
female brand. The problem is the way that men view
sexuality and what arouses them is very different than what

(48:17):
turns women not because that is like what you're talking
about the divine goddess, feminine who sees it as this
beautiful experience that is like creating nectar and children and
birth and life. And that's how I view it too.
It's the orgasmic, beautiful expansion and connecting. But like, what
are men? It's just I think too, Probably why the

(48:39):
dark underbelly is there so much, it is because porn,
like you said, it's primarily run by men. Like, if
women were running this and in charge, porn would probably
look totally different, it would, but then the men wouldn't
buy it consume it. So so here's here's the predicament, right,
here's the predicament. So I do think that the way
that we have traditionally taught men how which you have

(49:00):
in view sex, like it's not an iva what a
men do? Knowing what men like in porn? What do
men like? If you're going to say the majority of men,
not the highs of the lows, like across the board,
here's what they like? What is that? So men are
very visual, like we've been told that forever. Men are
very visual. So they need those senses to kind of

(49:21):
lead them in their arousal. Which is why I get
a little frustrated when you get a lot of women
that are like porn is it's degrading and it's so fake.
And it's shot, you know, it's very invasive of the
female body, but that's because it's made for men. It's
not made for women. If you watch gay porn, so

(49:42):
like guy on guy, it's still shot very similar to
how heteroporn is, and that's because it's made for the
male gaze. So it's not about objectifying women. Because again,
if you look at gay porn like they're objectifying a man,
it's still very you know, invasive, and that's because love
to see the details. They want to be in there,

(50:03):
they want to feel like it's real. We have like
these really big, over the top orgasms. And they say,
from an evolutionary standpoint, there's like a couple of reasons
that women would be loud. So traditionally, right, like, we're
not very strong, fast creatures like out in the wild.
It's our brains that made us survive and evolve. So

(50:23):
if we're being loud at night, that's kind of a vulnerability.
We're taking a really big risk that a predator can
kind of come in and eat us. Well, the idea
of being loud at night is like signaling this is safe,
this is a safe space, and then it would actually
start creating other mammals to start copulating because they're like, oh,
this is safe, we can do it. Is like a
signal of safety. So that's one element to it. So

(50:46):
it's some part of like that reptile brain. It's saying
this is safe, this is okay, which is actually counter
to what a lot of people try to intellectualize. Another
thing is is like males are bigger, stronger, more powerful,
and more vile than women in any species. So Hirsch
expressing pleasure overtly is saying do more of that. I

(51:07):
like that, So it's creating clarity with the sexual act.
So all of those are triggering the male reptile brainne
this is okay, this is hot, this is erotic. So
we as women, like we don't need to you know,
we don't need loud moans or anything like that. We
want to fall in love. We want to know that
we're going to be cared for. And that comes back

(51:27):
down to evolution as well. Right, the cost of getting
pregnant is so high, so I want to know that
you're all in because I'm gonna be vulnerable for nine months,
and then after that nine months, I'm gonna be vulnerable
for like two years while I have this infant, so
I need to know that you are emotionally invested and
physically invested in this. So a lot of it it

(51:48):
goes back to, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds
of years, back to when we were like early Homo sapiens.
So we want that erotic novel. We want to know
that you're going to slay the dragon for us, and
that you're going to ride off and the sunset. Because again,
the cost of pregnancy is so big, So I think, true,
that's right. You do have like three solid years where
you are just like protecting your baby and that's it.

(52:12):
There's nothing else you can do. It's like yeah, wow, right.
So again, so a lot of the way that we'd
of UW sex is different based off of those evolutionary
needs and outcomes. So when it comes to consuming ethical content,
I think paying for it is step one because then
you're directly going to whoever is producing it, Like you're

(52:32):
not going on a tube site where you don't know
who uploaded it. We saw like that huge scandal with
porn hubs, so it's like, well, avoid that, right, Like
avoid not knowing who made that content and who participated
in those acts. Step two would be again I believe
in like a creators central centric model, so like going

(52:53):
straight to the creator, so finding someone that you like
and consuming their content and purchasing it directly from them ternately.
If like you're into big cinema cinematic cameras, not everyone
is doing that. So again, just like kind of going
directly to like a big reputable site is I would
say step one, or preferably just going straight to that

(53:14):
content creator is like the gold standard. And I would say, like,
if you're consuming content together, it's like being mindful of
your partner as well, so you can find something that
you both are into, but it's probably going to be
really hard, so maybe it's like one night you get
to pick and one night I get to pick. Because
women tend to like very differently. Again, we want the story.

(53:36):
So stuff like dipsy is huge with women. So I
don't know if you're familiar with that app, but it's
all just audio and it's storytelling a yeah, so a
lot of women you want to set up, you want
the romance, you want to yeah. Yeah. So there's this
book it's called A Billion Wicked Thoughts, and they kind
of compare the money shot and porn to the happy

(53:57):
ending in an erotic novel, and they're like, they're this
same thing. They just look vastly different, but they kind
of could they do to the brain very similar things,
So like women really need that to get like fully
aroused and invested in the story, and men need a
lot more in your face kind of visual effects to
get to the same thing. So wild, How did you

(54:18):
keep yourself like safe, like physically safe, like not getting
pregnant and making sure that like your body was safe
from diseases, Like how do you do that? So you
test every two weeks, which obviously still isn't perfect because
you know incubation rates at all of that, but testing
every two weeks. I worked with a shortlist of males,
so like I wasn't just shooting with everyone, And I

(54:40):
felt like the guys that I picked were all married, responsible,
had been in for a long time. I know that
they're not going to the club and being reckless, because
that's honestly where you get it. It's not from the industry.
It's more from like the young people getting in and
getting really excited with like their new persona and then
they go have sex with a regular lay person and
then bring something in. So that's typically how it happens.

(55:02):
So I was really only working with like old school
original like reputable mail porn stars okay. Um, and then
I actually was told I was infertile. Like most of
my adult life, I was still on birth control. Um,
but I was told I was infertile. And I think, like,
I mean, I don't know how much time we have,
but if we get into like psychedelics and self healing,

(55:25):
let's go into it. Yeah, I feel like that's a
lot of what what let me let me get pregnant. Um.
Just so it's gonna sound so woo. I don't know
how I'm so well, I'm so woo. So say it
because I this is something I want to know about.
Like I am so woo. I'm as soon as you
can get so. Um. Are you familiar with doctor Joe Dispenza. Yeah,

(55:47):
everyone talks about him. He's incredible. All his books I
can't recommend enough. I'm like, I was like, I'm trying
to knock down his door. I just I love his work. Um.
It's this idea of gene expression kind of creates the
illness and then what turns on certain genes it's like
not whether or not you have this disease that's going
to like give you breast cancer or give you Elzheimer's

(56:10):
anything like that. It's more through mitosis. So like the
gene turning on. What we're finding is that these genes
turn on through trauma. So trauma can be anything that's
kind of like ripping you out of homeostasis and putting
you into flight or flight, and a lot of us
this is happening over and over and over and we're
like constantly under attack. So I had a very traumatic childhood.

(56:33):
Porn was overall wonderful and I'm so glad I did it,
but there was absolutely a lot of like you know,
events that were very stressful and even like borderline traumatic
that they lay store in your body if you're if
you're not taught how to shake it off and how
to process it in like a very physical positive way,
it stores. I feel like a million. I do a

(56:55):
ton of yoga, and like I have been in yoga
moments where like the music will hit and it will
trigger an emotion and I will cry and sob and
I literally feel it leaving my body. Like it's because everything,
even the little traumas gets stored in there. It's all stored. Right.
We're not meant for this this modern world. We're just not.

(57:15):
Our body is caught up yet. So it's like you
have to do kind of these more spiritual practices, these
more ancient rituals, in order to have these releases. So
I ended up getting Graves disease, which is another autoimmune issue,
and that was really bad, Like I almost died from
that because it wasn't diagnosed properly. So I was just

(57:37):
just getting sicker and sicker and sicker. And I was
like this, like I need to do something else, Like
modern medicine is not doing it for me. It almost
killed me. What else can we do? So my husband's
always been into more of like quantum physics and self
healing and like he's just sounds awesome by the way,
he's the coolest person I know. I love he's so

(58:00):
I love him to death. But he introduced me to
this thing called biocyber not and it's it's brain wave training,
so you can actively learn how to get your brain
into an alpha state at beta state for some people
at delta state, and get you break you out of
like that beta like that very stressful analytical problem solving
place that we usually live in. So through that the

(58:22):
easiest way, and it's like this huge long protocol that
I won't get into, but the main premise of going
from like a beta to something like an alpha state
is through forgiveness. So you would take a traumatic event
or maybe a person that has wronged you in some way,
and you would ultimately, at the end end of the
exercise get to love for the like total love and forgiveness.

(58:46):
And he's had people that were rape victims, like the
worst of the worst, and they were able to get
there with their assailant and all the way back to
the beginning of a story with that person to understand
how their little innocent soul could ever get to that place,
right exactly, Yeah, and off innocent. We're just all based
on the traumas that happened to us. We turn into things,

(59:08):
and a lot of people don't have the awareness to
do anything other than just become what happens to them,
which is right, really understandable, but that's what happens. People
just become their experiences, right, and then people usually think, well,
if I'm forgiving them, or if I can get to
love them that's excusing the behavior, and it's absolutely not
like that forgiveness is for you, it's not for the
other person. There's like that Mark Twain quote, which is

(59:32):
anger is an acid that does more damage to the
vessel than it does to the thing that you're pouring
it on. And I truly believe that, and I think
that that starts to show up as like physical ailments
and disease. So through this week long journey at this institute,
like I'm forgiving, forgiving, forgiving like people I never thought
I would forgive, experiences that I never thought I would forgive.

(59:55):
I'm crying having these releases. My whole body is like
telling me not to go back because your ego tries
to protect you from change. So I was like, I'm
not going back. I could be spending this money somewhere else.
This is a waste of my time and resources. This
is woo. And my husband's like, that's your ego, you
need to go back. He need and we did it together,
thank God, So he was there the whole time. So

(01:00:18):
we did that. I started my thyroid starts going into remission,
which is I was told would never happen. Through a
weird chain of events. We meet this shaman and healer locally,
and we did this really deep meditation and this is
going to sound again like crazy woo, but I'm sorry,
but I believe in all of it. So we get

(01:00:38):
to this meditation where the whole purpose was to try
to heal my thyroid. So we're doing it for probably
like two hours, and we come to and he's like, well,
I'm gonna lead, Like he always like tells me what
or me and my husband what he experienced. That way,
there's no question of like he's just agreeing or he's
just saying right, like it's just for transparency. My experience

(01:01:03):
was like crazy inks, like I had never had more
body anxiety, especially around my throat, Like I just like
felt something there like really heavy and kind of getting
pulled out. He's like, I saw this shadowy figure come
out of your neck. And obviously we're meditating, so this
is all and like you know, just in your mind,
come out of your neck and like release. And then

(01:01:25):
my husband's jo drops and he's like I saw the
same thing. So it's like how how how would he
know that? How? Like you know what I mean? And
I would verse two weeks later it was pregnant. Yeah,
whatever was blocking in you. And that's the thing. And
here's the thing, Like you actually need help to get

(01:01:47):
these things out of you, Like you need guides, you
need people who have like the tools to pull this
stuff out, because otherwise we just get bombarded with information
with experiences with traumas, and I just stay stored in
our bodies and in our brains and in our existence.
And then people are just walking around just like you know,
just just surviving their life because they can't get out

(01:02:10):
of all the stuff. When you have to get it out,
you have to do meditations, you have to do rituals,
you have to have experiences that have plants to help you,
have guides to help you, gurus to help you. Oh
my god, that's so awesome. Kay, isn't that wild? And
it's just it's to show the power of meditation too, right,
Like you don't have to do plant medicines if like
you're way too nervous or if you have an aversion

(01:02:30):
to them, like you can get through there through deep meditation.
But I saw my specialist and he's like, I don't
know how you're pregnant, Like your hormones are telling me
your body cannot get pregnant, Like there was no progesterone
like things that you would need for the egg to
attach to the uterine wall. He's like, it's not there.
I don't know how this is happening. I'm so happy
for you, and we're just going to monitor you. I

(01:02:51):
had to go to high risk to make sure everything
was okay the whole time. But yeah, I mean there
was no medical explanation to how I got pregnant. Did
you feel different after this experiences? After the release? Night
and day like night and day like the whole next day,
my whole uterus was it kind of cramping? So was
that like in your uterus? Did it come out of
your uterus? No? No, out of my thyroid is where

(01:03:12):
he saw it. But then then the whole next day
I experienced like this weird cramping in my uterus and
I wasn't on my period nowhere near that time in
my cycle. And then again like two weeks later, I
was pregnant, and no one had a rational reason as
to how that was even physically possible. So again, like
I know, it sounds crazy, not saying it's like a
literal man that came out of my throat, not saying that.

(01:03:34):
I'm just saying that there was some kind of store there,
like a dark in the store and it was unblocked.
Did the shaman tell you what it was like? What release?
Did he know in particular? No, he didn't really know.
He just felt. So there's this idea of attachments, that
things can kind of attach to you, whether it's like energy,

(01:03:56):
you know, when people like are casting quote spells on you,
whether and it's not like you know, Abracadaba's spell, but
it's like, oh, I hope she fails that something, or
btting that energy out, putting that energy so heavily on someone, honestly,
like it puts like energy is so real. So if
someone's putting forceful negative energy on you, you're gonna probably
feel it a little bit. Oh yeah, I think words

(01:04:17):
are magic absolutely, So it's like you have to be
very intentional with those things. So he didn't really get
into it. It was just more of like there was
this energetic blocking and it released, and now we have
two beautiful babies. Oh my god. Okay, so I'm gonna
wrap up. Candis. You are fascinating and I love your journey,
I love your boundaries. I love your awareness. I love

(01:04:39):
your just intentionality with yourself, like your utter like authority
over yourself. Like it is so inspiring to talk to you,
and I am so excited to have gotten to learn
about the adult industry through you. Thank you for sharing
all this, like this was so awesome to hear. Two

(01:04:59):
quick questions wrap up for when you don't feel like
having all the full blown, long winded sexual experience, that's
like actually a to do which you have to like,
you know, kind of gear up for and like set
the tone and have time for if you just want
to have like some quickies and but make them good
and make them like spicy, Like do you recommend a
certain kind of loube? Do you recommend adding a toy

(01:05:21):
here that's gonna get make your quickie like more than
just oh, we're just like cleaning the pipes here. You know,
I would say absolutely used lube. Most women would benefit
from it, Like even if you're not in a postpartum
stage or menopausal like most women, if you're, if you
need to get there, you're not going to lubricate on
your own as quickly as you need to. One of
my favorite brands is called Cocoa News so it's like

(01:05:43):
it's all clean, there's no chemicals in it. It's not
great for condoms because of the oil, so there is
that little caveat So you want to make sure that
you know where you are in your cycle if you're
not trying to get pregnant. But um, yeah, definitely use
the lube. I don't think there's anything wrong with a vibrator.
Like a lot of people feel like that's competition with
your partner, Like it's for both of you, right, So

(01:06:06):
if your partner feels threatened, maybe give them control over
it so that they can feel like, oh, like like
this is still an extension of me until they get
comfortable with it. So there's like ways to introduce it.
But one of my favorite ones to use with somebody,
it's called a Jimmy Jane. So it's small, it's handheld,
and it's not going to get in the way of
your positions. And I think sometimes the best sex are

(01:06:26):
those quickie ones because you're not overthinking it, you know
what I mean, And it's just like we're both here,
we're both present. There's not all of this pressure because
I didn't light all of the candles and put on
my playlist, Like, if we don't get to the end point,
then it's not as big of a letdown, Like we
can still connect even though maybe one of us does
a climax. So yeah, I think those are two really
great easy ways. Okay, I love that. And last question

(01:06:48):
is leave your light. It's very open and ended. What
do you want people to know? I want people to
know that you are a beautiful sexual being and you
can be very powerful when you face that head on
and figure out how you want to express that within
yourself and within your relationship. And there's nothing inherently shameful

(01:07:12):
about that expression. Love it, Candice, honestly, such a great conversation.
Thank you for being just so honest and real with me.
Candice worebacks. Everyone follow her. Your instagram is Eva Lovia.
I love it so much. You are just awesome and
I appreciate you so much for just sharing, shining and
sharing this bright light on this industry and like and

(01:07:33):
on you and I being an empowered woman and it's awesome.
This is an amazing interview, and thank you for coming on.
I loved every second of it. Thank you again for
having me. This is probably one of my favorite podcasts.
I've ever done. You're an incredible host. Thank you. This
was a blast that. Yeah, I would love to have
you on mine if you're open to it. This was beautiful. Yes,
and I'm like anything goes like, I would love to

(01:07:53):
become of your podcast, Like okay, let's I'm gonna end
it and then we can plan it. Okay. Bye,

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Caroline Hobby

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}CANDICE HORBACZ (EVA LOVIA): Former adult entertainment superstar shares intimacy secrets and breaks down the ideas of sexual expression!