October 14, 2022 • 54 mins
Kelly and Chip are join PhD, Author and Dominatrix, Colette Pervette to talk about releasing fear and stepping into your own power. Colette gives her story of getting into BDSM and talks about why her sessions with clients give the biggest life lessons of finding power.
The biggest form of power for ourselves comes when we let go of control and surrender. "It's typically the opposite of what human nature tells us about power. Power isn't in control. It's in releasing control."
Colette also teaches about releasing judgement and how the real root of our judgements is usually fear and fear of the unknown. Stay curious, y'all.
Sign up for: Mistress Class
Website: pervette.comSocials: @colettepervette
Also mentioned: Renew BreakUp Bootcamp with Amy Chan
Follow Kelly: @velvetsedge
Follow Chip: @chipdorsch
Email: theedge@velvetsedge.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ship. Are you ready for this today?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I think so. Yeah, this is an exciting one.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
I know, I'm so excited, as you guys know. We
are talking about overcoming fear this month on the Velvet
Edge podcast and there are just so many different things
around fear, and I think a big fear for most
of us is the fear of the unknown. So if
there's something that we don't know or something that we
don't understand, it becomes scary or I know that's how
it is for me, and I think this topic really
(00:28):
falls into that category. I was lucky enough to meet
our guests in a workshop that I did called the
Breakup boot Camp, and it completely shifted the narrative in
my head of what I thought about what a Dominatrix
would be. And so today here with us is Dominatrix, Educatrix, Shamanatrix.
(00:51):
She's a writer, a human atrix, and a create Create Tricks.
Did I get that right? I stole that from your
website because I thought it was so brilliant. But Collette
Purvet is here, and Collette, we're just so happy to
have you here with us.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Hi, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for
having me.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Of course, So, as I mentioned, we were at the
Breakup boot Camp and you were one of the facilitators
that came in and spoke. And the cool thing about
that boot camp it's put on by Amy Chan. She's
an amazing woman. She's also been a guest on this podcast,
so you guys might be familiar with her work. If
you aren't, you should definitely go check her out.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
She's awesome.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
But the cool thing about that workshop is there's all
these different facilitators that come in and it's really about
helping the women after a breakup really lean into their
own power, their own self love, and all different formats
of that. And so you came in and I was like,
what a dominatrix? Like how does this play into me
(01:47):
getting over my breakup? Like I don't understand. But you
were so open and vulnerable, and you told your story
first before we talked about the work that you did,
and immediately I felt this just like connection to you
because it was such a beautiful story. So I was
wondering if you would be so open to share that
with Chip and with our listeners and just kind of
(02:10):
talk through the journey of your life and how you
got into your line of work.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Yeah, I'd be so happy too. And yeah, so where
should I begin?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I know, take us back, could take us all the
way back.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
All the way back to childhood, to the point I
decided to become a dominatrix.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Well, I think the cool thing about what you shared
at the boot camp was part of your childhood and
just the dynamics between you and your family and how
that kind of puts you in the position later to
really want to learn about your own power.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Yeah. So I was born and raised in Orange County,
and my folks were from Vietnam and immigrated here in
the eighties, and so I'm the child and daughter of
immigrant refugees, and they've been through so much in their
(03:11):
journey of escaping a war torn country, coming here on
a boat and risking their lives and giving me this
opportunity here. And you know, at the time, when I
was little, I didn't see any of this. I just
wanted to be white up in Orange County and had
(03:32):
a lot of insecurities about my race, about my class,
us being poor, about even just my body and my
weight and all of that. And so my journey has
been a journey of overcoming my shadows, my insecurities, my shame,
and a huge part of that was actually choosing to
(03:57):
become a dominatrix, not even knowing that that was going
to be such a healing journey and path for me,
but just taking that step of wanting to try something new,
something I've never even really heard of before. It transformed
(04:17):
my whole life. From someone who had eating disorders and
body dysmorphia, I was putting on lingerie and being surrounded
by powerful, badass fems who were affirming me and being like,
you look hot. It was like really and then like
my subs worshiping me, and that that shifted my my
(04:44):
my self perception of you know, the insecurities I have
about my body and with just you know, the journey
of learning how to love myself accept myself has been
like ongoing, But a huge part of that is also
just being able to express that being able to express
(05:04):
the parts of yourself that you're ashamed of. And you
know what I did break up food Camp, and how
I like to open up my containers is by being
very vulnerable and sharing all the deepest parts of myself
that I used to hide and I used to be
afraid of, and I used to keep a secret. And
(05:25):
that's when you can alchemize that shadow, when you take
that fear of what would people think, and you're like,
you put it out there, it's no longer your shame,
it's your power, it's your truth, and just by owning it,
by saying it, you own it. And when you own it,
(05:45):
no one can take that truth away from you. And
I think that that's something that also happens inside the
session in kink, right when a sub comes to me
and tells me their deepest, darkest desires, their secret fantasies
that they haven't told anyone, that is also a moment
for them where something is being alchemized. Something that used
(06:07):
to be shameful is now something that can be playful
and fun and pleasurable and cathartic. And and so I
just love like this aspect of like the thing that
we run away from is the thing that we should
actually run towards or move through. And the journey that
(06:28):
I've taken in just being a dom has allowed me
to witness every single time that when you step into
the unknown, when you step into the moment of vulnerability
and uncomfortability, is a moment when you are getting closer
and stepping into your power.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Yeah, I love that idea. I did a podcast earlier
or this was last week, I guess, and it was
with an astrologer. He's on our podcast once a month,
but we were talking a lot about the shadow self,
and he brought up this quote by Pima Children and
she says, you know, the bravest thing is for us
to look within ourselves at our shadow because at first,
(07:07):
it's really embarrassing, like none of us want to see
ourselves in that light. You know, there's these things that
we were pressed and we hold down, and whatever it is,
I think it could come in the form of the
work that you do, where you're seeing people maybe in
their sexual things that they've repressed, but there's all sorts
of narratives around that. It could be anything. And I
think as humans, or for me, like the most healing
(07:29):
conversations that I have or the reason I want to
do this kind of work is because as humans we
need connection, and when we're being vulnerable with each other
and sharing those parts of ourselves, it does it loses
its power and we realize like everyone has that stuff,
you know, and it's not so scary once it's just
set out out it does, it loses its power. So
(07:50):
do you see that a lot in the clients that
you work with.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Yeah, I think that they begin to see how much
power they have when they choose to be vulnerable and
step into the unknown and give me their power. And
I think that it's a misconception that the subs or
the clients I see don't have power. It's actually the opposite.
They're giving me power, invite into that. It means that
they have power and they know that they have it,
(08:18):
and they realize that even more through the session as
they keep on giving up more and more themselves to
the deep surrender into the unknown. And I think that
the journey of a session is the deep dive into
discovering your power. And it's paradoxical, and that the more
(08:44):
power you give up, the more power you realize you have,
the more that you can surrender, the more that you
can say yes to the unknown, the more powerful you
are because you are trusting yourself and the do and
the moment everything and saying yes, I'll take this on,
I'll experience this and feel this. Even though it's painful
(09:06):
and and comfortable and degrading, there's something here that's allowing
me to just be and feel without judgment or fear.
Speaker 4 (09:15):
Well, especially when you're coming out of it alive and safe.
On the other side, it's like an empowering thing that
you know, I would I'm curious, Like, I mean, I
don't know what your relationship is like with your clients,
like if if when you're together it is very specific
to what that moment needs to be, or if there
is any sort of level of like talk therapy that
(09:38):
happens too, Like are these people taking what they're learning
and using it outside of you know, in the real
world in ways like at work or something like that
where they're you know, obviously it takes a lot of
courage to submit to somebody, and there's obviously a lot
of shame and particularly in the US, around sex, and
(09:58):
you know, we're taught so much of that. So to
be able to be vulnerable in that situation, God, I
can only imagine what it would allow someone in a
relationship at work in daily life, things like like wow,
if I could survive that buying closed doors.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
It must be really powerful in those other situations.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Absolutely, And I think that it's like what happens on
the micro level inside the dungeon is also what happens
on the macro level outside the dungeon. I actually think
that the dungeon is kind of this training ground in
metaphor in practice for life. Everything you do inside the
dungeon is a practice of what you should be doing
outside the dungeon, right and inside the dungeon before a
(10:39):
session even happens. The reason why it's so safe to
explore all of this is because there's a negotiation that
happens before a session that we do have a conversation.
It's really deep and goes through all of the parts
where I ask the sub what is it that you want,
what are your fantasies, what are your desires, what are
your what are your physical limitations? What's the safe word?
(11:03):
And we establish all of that before we begin, and
that's how they feel completely seen, heard, held, accepted, and
even the parts to where they're like, oh, I've never
shared that with anyone before, how this all began, or
why I have this or that I even have this desire.
It's cathartic even just in the moment of sharing that
(11:25):
and then to be taken on this journey to experience
it and to be able to get off on it.
Then you just transcended these dualities of your mind of
thinking that this thing that you used to think was
shameful or such a big secret, it's actually a point
of pleasure, a point of being able to get off
on and be like, Wow, that was fucking amazing. I
(11:45):
feel so good.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
What?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Yeah, I have so many questions.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
I'm me too, Like, I just don't know what's want
to ask first?
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I know, okay, Well, I just yeah, I feel the same.
I'm like tongue tied because I'm like, I don't ask
this this like one did you just wake up one
day and you're like, you know what I'm really interested
in is being a dominatrix? Like where did that start?
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Yeah? I didn't even know what a dominatrix was until
I was in grad school. And this was like seventeen
or eighteen years ago, and two of my friends started
working at a house of domination called the Gates, and
one of them told me about their experience they had
that day. I was like, so, what did you do today?
They're like, well, I tied a guy up strap strap on,
(12:36):
tucked him in the ascid, pissed on him. And I
was like.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Whoa, whoa, it's a Tuesday.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
Another day at the office for you?
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Is that right?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Then? I studied for an exam.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Yeah, And I was just kind of blown away that
that's the story she got to tell about her Tuesday.
And I was like, I want stories like that to tell.
That sounds so amazing to have that in my book
when I look back, and you know how I like
to make decisions when i'm and you know, it was
(13:09):
kind of a tough decision to make because I like,
it's like, this work is kind of underground, and back
then in two thousand and five, before fifty Shades of Gray,
this was way underground and a gray shadowy area. Didn't
I didn't really know much about it. I didn't even
(13:30):
know if like the you know, clients and stubs, who
were you know, quote unquote normal. I was like, who
would want this? Who would pay women to like have
them kick them in the balls. I don't get it,
Like I didn't get it. But I was just curious about, like,
I have to figure out what this is because it
just seems so strange. And you know, I just asked myself,
(13:50):
what's the story I want to tell? And the story
I want to tell is, Yeah, I want to have
those crazy random tuesdays where I get to like piss
on someone get paid. I went in through an interview
and and kind of made a story that I've been
practicing this in my personal life but it wasn't true,
and started shadowing sessions until I felt comfortable enough to
(14:13):
take my own sessions. There weren't any. It wasn't a
real formal training at all. It was just dive in
and learn as you go. Learned a lot.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Who was the boss, Like who do you interview with?
Speaker 3 (14:26):
She was a head mistress. She kind of ran the
whole space, and yeah, and she was very much like
a head mistress like type.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Right, like what you would expect.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Yeah, can you take us into like the dungeon because
I kind of want to picture the space where this
is happening. I've also never seen fifty Shades either or
read it, so I've got no contact.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
I mean, okay, I don't think you need to.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
I don't think it's the most accurate way to think.
It was a thing that opened the doors to so
many people's nations, so I'm grateful for that. But oh,
I guess I wish I kind of did this podcast
in my dungeon.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Oh, I know you're in this bride airy room. It's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
It's like a nice position. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Yeah, my dungeon's a much darker place. It's dark and
spacious and has like the Saint Andrew's cross, banking bench, sling,
padded walls.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
Hold on, hold on, go back. You said a spanking
bench A.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
What St Andrew's crash a bench?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Now it's spanking bitch. And then did you say a.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Sleigh A sling kind of like ling?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Oh, okay, okay, okay, I'm getting my visual.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Like okay, yeah, slang okay, like a seat okay.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Okay, Like two cages were actually three, and you know,
all lots of suspension points and bondage points and yeah,
it's just a space that feels dark and dreamy, has
(16:18):
lots of toys and whips and rope, and lots of
bondage gear, lots of leather metal cuffs, and and also
just a little negotiation area where we sit in chat
before and after a session. And yeah, that's where the
(16:41):
magic happens.
Speaker 4 (16:42):
So I was just gonna ask, are the clients fully
like do they get fully nude in the situation?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
M HM Okay, got it?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Okay, Yeah, So what happens They walk into the dungeon
and y'all sit in the negotiation area and that's when
you ask them the questions like what is you're why
are you here today? Kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Yeah, if they're a first time client, then we have
that negotiation and go over all the things that they
want to get into, the things they don't want to
get into, any physical limitations, and establishing the safe word.
And if they're a regular I've had regulars of like
over ten years and even seventeen years, then we don't
(17:26):
have that conversation and we just kind of chat and
then at some point we're like, okay, are you ready,
let's begin.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Okay. If you've had like clients that long, that's almost
like a relationship of the sort, like you're connected to
them in a certain capacity. So are these clients like
are they single? Are they in relationship? Is that part
of something they negotiate with their partner? Like how does
that work? Is it different with everyone?
Speaker 3 (17:53):
It's different with everyone. It's a wide range. There are
some who are single and some who are married, and
some do you tell their partners and some don't. And
I just respect where they're at with how they want
to share themselves. And I love it when they can
be open about this with their partners or when they
bring their partners in and I get to play with
(18:14):
couples and women, but typically are they're mostly men and
they want to and maybe they're mostly in their forties
and above, but there are some who are younger. I
think that something does happen when you reach your midlife
and you realize, wait, you actually need to live your
(18:36):
life and explore things, and so they see it all.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
We're both just like taking it all in well. I
liked the idea. I mean, this is a lot what
I learned in the Breakup boot Camp because there's so
much of the power dynamic play in a session like this,
and so we're talking about the actual physical acts. I
actually researched a bunch about like dominatrix and BDSM and
(19:06):
it's one of the misconceptions too, is like when you
associate things with sex workers that there's actual sex that
takes place. And like I read a lot that a
lot of doms are like, no, that's not how this
goes at all, or you know, like it's not something
like that, and it is more about the power dynamic,
and so can you talk us through that a little bit,
like what you're seeing in your clients or maybe what
(19:30):
kind of power it brings to you, like how that's
like a healing thing from like you said, healing your
own insecurities even and things like that.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
Yeah, I think that is a common misconception that that
clients have sex with doms. It's you know, they typically
in most classical typical sessions, they don't. It's really about
exploring your alternative sexuality. It's about finding all the other
ways is that you can get off. That's not vanilla sex,
(20:04):
and that's the fun part of kin gets like yoh,
so I can actually get off on just like sucking
your toes. Wow, that's crazy, like golden showers. And so
I think that, Well, the thing that does typically happen
is that the subs, if the mistress allows them, they
(20:28):
can touch themselves. They could self release, but that is
you know, up to the mistress's discretion. They deserve it.
But in sessions, that's about really exploring all the other
ways in which you can get off and find pleasure
in unexpected ways. And the unexpected places are the places
(20:53):
of discomfort or pain or degradation. It's the things that
you typically would avoid or run away from. Here you
explore it and find a way to make it erotic.
And that's kind of the work of the mistress, that
she can seduce the sub into saying yes to these
(21:14):
things where he's like, oh my god, I didn't know
that I was into that. I thought I would be
into this and yes, but not that. But somehow you
just found a way to push my boundary just a
little so that I know that my boundaries are actually
softer than I thought. That's kind of the craft and
the skill of topping someone to kind of push them
(21:35):
to their edges and explore where their edges are and
see how much further you could take them and allow
for them to be like, oh wow, I'm actually quite
limitless in how I can find my pleasure through this space.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
And do you get people that come in and they're like,
when you say something, I don't know what your questions
would be, but like if they set down in your
negotiation and you say something like why are you here
and they're like, I don't know, do you ever get that?
And it's part of the journey to bring that out.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
They always know. They know, Okay, you always know, and
even if it's subconscious, it's right. Right. They may be like,
I don't know why I have this fantasy of wanting
to just be on my knees and look up to
a woman and surrender to her. But I just have
that fantasy, right, So they may not know where it
(22:31):
came from. They may not know why they feel it
so deeply that they've landed in my dungeon. But all
they know is that this arised and they're subconscious, and
they want to explore whether or not they can truly
truly find pleasure in it, because somehow in their mind
(22:51):
they find it titillating or provoking or provocative. And the
only way to know if this is something that they
could really bring them pleasure is to experience it.
Speaker 4 (23:04):
Are most of them people that in their daily lives
are fairly powerful.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Like, is that a common thread?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
I think that that stereotype is true for some for
reasons of Yeah, in our in our everyday life, we
are always trying to be in control, and so there
is a reason why like a lot of you know,
CEOs or lawyers, they just love being able to have
a moment where they don't have to call the shots,
(23:34):
they don't have to be in control, they don't have
to think about what they are going to do next,
they even have to think about themselves. They could just
allow all of that and their ego to slip away,
to fully surrender. And I think that the more I
think that we have this internal compass within us to
(23:55):
seek balance and in our everyday life, if it's thrown
off balance by being like so in controlled, so on
top of everything, your subconscious mind is going to come
up with some fantasies that you're like, WHOA, this is strange.
Why am I thinking about this right now? I mean
even for myself when I was studying for my qualifying exams,
(24:16):
which was one of the most like stressful moments of my,
like brad career, I had these weird medical play scenes
of being like a patient and you know, surrendering to
the doctors. Like, why am I having these fantasies right now?
It's because I'm so fucking stressed out right now trying
to be like so like on all these topics I'm
(24:37):
supposed to be a specialist, and that I just want
to have a moment where I am like completely like
surrendering and maybe even being taken advantage of, right, Like
this is what happens. These fantasies arise subconsciously because your
subconscious is trying to find balance within yourself. And you
may not know why you had the fantasy, but there
(24:58):
is a route to it.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
I love the psychological aspect of that, Like, I'm fascinated
with the stuff that had, Like our brain, what it
brings up or what comes up out of our subconscious
when we're in stressful times of our lives, and how
often like it could be tied to sexual things and
we're so conditioned to just repress instead of like explore
(25:23):
what's that bringing up? Or why why? Like what you're saying,
why that fantasy? Well, there was something else that was
out of balance within you, and that is like so
fascinating to me. I just think it's like it's just
an interesting dynamic too, because we're all taught from such
a young age to just stuff anything sexual just down,
you know, like it's not okay, and there's only these
(25:46):
certain conditions where those kind of things are acceptable. So
do you deal with that a lot? Like helping people
work through some of that repression.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
Absolutely, I feel like that is the crux of the
work of being create a safe space. I think the
dungeon is this place of no judgment. There's absolutely no judgment,
and that is just the most cathartic space to be
(26:16):
and to not be judged. And I think that for
anyone to be themselves, to be able to share who
what's inside, even though it seems so wild and crazy,
even there this is what they might be into. But
(26:36):
to be able to have no judgment, to not think
that this thing is good or bad, right or wrong, normal, crazy,
and just be accepted for all that you are, and
all and all the parts of you that's coming up
and wants to come out and express itself. Right to
be able to like for a man to dress up
(26:59):
as a woman, to enjoy that experience and to be
treated like one and to be taken like one. It's
cathotic to be able to transcend gender, to transcend ideas
of how one should be. And I think that's the
reason why men typically see doms. It's because our society
(27:25):
and our culture has conditioned us and condition men to
define themselves in such a narrow way. If a man cries,
then he makes them less of a man. If he
wants to let the woman lead. That makes them less
of a man, right when if they express themselves in
a way that's through screaming or moaning or whatever it is,
(27:49):
that's not masculine or manly. I think that it's allowing
the sub or the man or whomever to be able
to express whatever wants to come out and not think
and does this make me less the man? Does this
make me? Okay? Does this make me what? It's just
(28:10):
like you don't even have to think about it. There's
no fat it's just feeling and no judgment in how
you feel and be in the moment.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Well, that's like where the fear. It's like releasing fear completely.
Because I was as you were talking, I was thinking, yeah,
it makes sense to me that men specifically would want
to go to a session like this because I can't
imagine that it's easy. And maybe this is this goes
for women too. It's for all of us to approach
your partner about certain things, like it's scary because you know,
(28:43):
obviously they're going to have their reaction probably based on
their own fear. Like you know, like if I was
in a partner with a man, that's I mean in
a yeah, partner with that right now, A partnership with
a man who came to me and was like, Hey,
I think it's really going to turn me on if
I dress like a woman. I know that Initially my
reaction would be like, wait, what does that mean? You
(29:05):
know it would produce all this fear within me, and
I say, I want my partner to come to me
with fantasies and all that stuff, but it is scary,
and so it takes a certain kind of partnership, I think,
to be able to really work through those dynamics together.
So it's of course like that makes so much sense
that they would associate a place where there's no judgment,
(29:29):
no shame, it's just complete freedom to work out whatever
it is that you want.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
Do you find that any of your clients are taking
their newfound like freedom in these kinks back to their
partners and exercising them at home.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Or is this a fantasy world that they need.
Speaker 4 (29:52):
To exist sort of separate from the rest of their lives,
particularly when it comes to sex with a partner or whatever.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
I think it very depending on what individual to another.
Some just experience this moment of catharsis and it just
they let that feeling and that bliss and that knowing
of what they have just experienced kind of carrying them
through their days and they're like, Okay, this is my
(30:21):
other side that gets to experience the unknown. And then
there are some who do want to talk about it
and do want to explore how this experience is actually
something that can can affect the way that they connect
with their partners, the way they connect with their associates
(30:43):
at work. It's something that is a part of their
experience and it's shaped them and has made them more open,
more vulnerable, more adventurous, and more willing to explore the unknown.
And I think that's probably the most the most fundamental
(31:08):
piece of the willingness to explore the unknown and to
shed a little bit of that fear of not of
stepping into something where you don't know what's.
Speaker 4 (31:18):
Going to happen next, right right, Well, for the most
people are going to be listening to this and not
see you. She's wearing a beautiful lace mask. So I'm curious,
like if in sessions like do you always have the
mask on? Are your clients masks?
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Like? What is the what's the die? The divide? Like,
is that to like and in real life, like do
they know what you look like outside of the outside
of the dungeon?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Yeah? I don't wear my veil in session, so my okay,
hubs do get to see me. We see each other
face to face and they are not veiled either. They're
fully naked and exposed. And I prefer the veiled as
I like to keep a part of this who what
I do like, I like a little bit of privacy,
(32:04):
and I like knowing that the people who know me
face to face or people I have seen face to
face as well.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Right, I mean I'm still at that place where I'm like,
I have a ten question, so.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
I want to know how like new client, Like, I'm
not going getting very deep.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
I'm just like asking really curious questions.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
But how often, like when particularly when it's a new client,
how quickly do they get to their safeword? You know,
like do you is it like you see the immediately?
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Yeah, that's I think that's part of like the skill
of the dom. She doesn't want the sub to get
to their safeword.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Right.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
When you get to your safe word, that means that
you're in fear. Yeah you tapped out, Yeah that you've
like you've touched the up on their edge and they've
like gone over the edge and make it take it anymore,
and so you're really the work of the dom is
to get them as close as they can get to
(33:08):
that edge, but to keep on wanting them to go
one step further, and to not say ford, but to
be like, oh, I thought this would be too much before,
but in the moment, I am just in it and
I love it, and I could keep on saying yes
and keep on accepting this.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
When you say the work of the dom, Like what
just popped in my head was like, well, like do
you go to school for this? Like how do you train?
Is it trial and error? And is that like how'd
you figure out what's too far? Is it a very
like empathetic thing that you're feeling your way through each session?
Or do you have some sort of training background where
(33:50):
people are like do this not that? Like how do
you train to become a dom?
Speaker 3 (33:55):
Well, there was no training for me in becoming a dom,
and I think typically in like the US, there isn't
really a formal training to become doms. What you could
do is typically you work in a house. Sometimes if
you're lucky, the house does offer training, but in my house,
there was no training. It was you shadow sessions. You
(34:18):
sit in on other doms sessions, just watch what they
do until you feel like you can do that too
and want to start making money. Then you start taking
sessions and then you learn as you go. Yeah, and
sometimes you can. There are instances where I wouldn't. I
(34:39):
mentored a lot of doms in my in my career
to explore this world and have them shadow my sessions
and just showed them the ropes. And so, because I
feel like there's not enough education out there in becoming
a DOM, I've created my own course of entraining and
(35:01):
mentorship for women and fems who want to explore becoming
doms as a way to give them a sense of
like what to look out for, what to do, how
do you call it dom persona? How do you bring
out this voice, this act, this playfulness? And so I
just put together everything that I've learned in my seventeen
(35:24):
years as a DOM into a program that feels like
a deep dive into this world of kink.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
Well, You've talked a lot about it being mostly male clients,
but so I want to talk a little bit about
this workshop that you offer it's called the Mistress Class.
Is that right? That's not that fun? Yes, and so,
and you can find all the info on your website,
which I'll link all of that in the description of
this podcast. But are you seeing a lot of women
(35:55):
come into this work or just have interest in this
kind of thing now, Like, has that shifted over the years?
Is it more prevalent now than it was in the past.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Yes, It's definitely more prevalent now. And the first time
I launched a mistress class, over one hundred women and
fems enrolled in the course and I was blown away
by it. Yeah, And I think that it just speaks
to how the times are shifting and that there are
so many women and fems out there who want to
(36:24):
explore stepping into their power, who want to explore this
whole other world where they are worshiped and they are
adored for being in the power, in their feminine power.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Can you touch a little bit on what that would
look like, because I know we've talked a lot about
masculine and feminine energy on this podcast, and I'll have
people come on and kind of talk through like, you know,
the masculine is a very leadership type energy and so
I think some people interpret the feminine energy to be weak,
and I'm like, no, it's like so the opposite. But
(36:59):
I'm not allays able to verbalize the power of the feminine.
Do you have some sort of definition you give to
people or description of what that might look like?
Speaker 3 (37:09):
For me? I think it it's a personal definition of
what power is and how I define it. And I
think that when we think about power, it does have
this it's rooted in a very masculine, patriarchal way when
you think aboutwer of control and being able to dominate
(37:31):
a lot of people, and you think of like political
leaders or celebrities. But I think that what's happening in
this space is that we start to define the power
the power in a different way, in a more feminine way,
and it's not weak but soft, and it's not rooted
in patriarchal terms of competition of one has to lose
(37:55):
for the other to win. But the power of the
feminine is actually about collaborating, cooperation and being able to
come together to support each other into coming into our
power together. And that's a huge piece of what I
think the power of the feminine is. It's the way
that we come together in connection, collaboration, and cooperation to
(38:17):
make each and every one of us stronger. And that's
what's so powerful in Mistress Class that I didn't even
realize until all these incredible bad ass fems showed up,
and the way that they supported each other into exploring
their dominant size, it was so powerful. The way that
(38:39):
they show love, support, encouragement to explore themselves. No, it
feels really vulnerable, even though it feels really edgy, but
to be able to be supported by each other and
to see that we can all explore this and find
ways to define what power is for us and for me,
(39:03):
power is the ability to create change. And I think
the power of the feminine is just there's it's a
much subtler way to create change. It's not forceful, it's
not brute force or control. It's it's inspiring. It's inspirational change.
(39:23):
Its inspires you to want to to change yourself or
change what's around you. And I think that that's really
the power of the feminine for me.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
Yeah, I think that's amazing that that's what your workshop,
that's what you noticed with the women, because I think
so often something that I've experienced or it's just kind
of like our culture maybe and like social media world
and all of it is we are put in direct
competition with each other constantly, Like it's like I have
to be this way to keep a man's attention, you know,
(39:58):
to then like and it's so much pressure and then
you find yourself, do you know, doing the comparison thing,
or like you said, trying to control like driving to
like win, to do all this stuff, and it takes
you completely out of your own power when you're doing that.
And so it's such a beautiful thing to hear you
say that what you notice with the women was their
(40:20):
encouragement of each other, because I do believe what you're
saying is true, that that does make us so much
more powerful than tearing each other down and competing with
each other and not standing in our own power and uniqueness.
Speaker 3 (40:33):
Right, Yes, So I think that what this this idea
of like competition, the idea of like power in these
defined and pretriorchical ways, it really stems from this like
scarcity mindset. Yes, that there's not enough for all of us.
That if you have this, then I can't have it.
(40:55):
And so what's so powerful of the feminine power is
the abundant mindset that there is enough for all of us.
And what I love doing is sharing my subs with
my mistresses and they get to experience playing with them,
connecting with them. And also I bring on other guest
(41:16):
doms into the course so that they could see, like, wow,
there's so many ways for you to access your inner
dom into weave your own personality into this. There's not
just one way to do it, but it's the way
that we all come together. And what's so beautiful about
(41:37):
this world is really the sisterhood, the DOM sisterhood I have.
I am so grateful for the community of DOM sisters
who have been so supportive because this work is still
in the shadows and that we are still being suppressed
in social media in all these spaces, and that we
have to keep on supporting each other so that we
(42:00):
can be seen and heard and accepted culturally.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Yeah, we tell us a little bit about what So
if people listening are like, oh my god, I'm kind
of interested in that, I feel like also I wonder
if listeners are listening and they're like, I'm very interested
in that, but I'm also really scared shit list that
I'm interested in that, Like I wonder if you're like
battling yourselves because I feel that a little bit.
Speaker 4 (42:25):
I mean, I was going to say that's kind of
how I feel, but it's like, well, I mean, it's like,
because I want the bravery to think that I'd be
able to step into that and be comfortable.
Speaker 2 (42:36):
But I'm like, but I don't think I could, you know,
so it's like you could, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (42:41):
I mean, I look, I think also some of that
is probably coming for me, Like what kind of shame
would I carry if somebody knew that I was doing that?
Speaker 2 (42:50):
You know, because there is there's that.
Speaker 4 (42:52):
Element to it too, because obviously if you're going to
do something like this, you have to be doing it
for yourself.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
So you know, do you share with people that you're
doing it.
Speaker 4 (43:02):
Or do you just like let it unlock something in
you that then you share that power with people without
having to tell them how you arrived.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
It probably up to you.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
Yeah, yeah, I'll let you know, Kelly, if I ever
do it, well, you know.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
I'll tell the whole world.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
So yeah, you'll make me talk about it on hare.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
So so what would you say to listeners collect that
would be maybe kind of battling with themselves about that.
Is that a common reaction that you get.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
Yeah, I think that. I think that there are those
who have been curious about exploring this but feel like
there's some resistance to it, and that resistance is their
own self judgment, or maybe it's the voices that they've
been internalized from around them growing up or even in
(43:58):
their social circle that maybe they are in a space
where they feel uncomfortable to share these desires and so
they're like, what do I, how do I? What do
I do with this? And I would say, if you
have the desire, you should seek that out. I think
that's the point of life and why we're here to
(44:19):
explore what makes us curious. I if I didn't explore
this little thing I was curious about, I was like,
why do men pay these doms to this on them?
I don't get it and get it? Until I was
in session with them and I was doing I was like,
I get it now. I told they are really enjoying this,
(44:42):
and I could and I am too. Yeah, these things
that you know, when you verbalize it, it doesn't make
sense because you've been conditioned to avoid these things, But
then when you experience it, you're like, oh, it actually
feels really good. That's why, Well explore that. And so
(45:03):
what's holding you back are just voices that have been
conditioned within you to think that this is bad. But
when you can experience something without judgment, that's pure bliss.
Right to be able to experience this feeling of complete surrender,
(45:26):
of being able to be someone else, to cry, to scream,
to moan, to be completely in bondage, and yet you're like,
I feel so free right now to experience intense pain,
but yet it feels so good the way she's spanking
me right now. I didn't know I would love the
(45:47):
kinge though. That's when that happens. That's like the orgasm
of your mind, right, It's the orgasm of like, Aha,
I had no idea it could be like this. And
I've had so many subs in the past who are like,
I can't believe that I just had an orgasm from
(46:11):
getting fucked in the ass, well, but a full body
orgasm like the way women get. And it's like, if
only all men in the world knew that there was
this whole other way to experience this orgasm. Oh my god,
I'm so glad I got to experience it rather than
not right. But even that is such an edge right
(46:36):
for most men or even women to think about that,
to be taken in that way, to open yourself up,
to be stretched in that way, to completely surrender in
that way. But when you do and there's no judgment
around it, and you could just feel how good it feels,
(46:58):
that's you transcending all dualities of your mind and the
society's dualities of what's right, wrong, good, bad, mask and
feminine crazy normal, all of it's gone. Yeah, and you're
just truly being that's bliss.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
How hard was.
Speaker 4 (47:17):
It for you to get to a place of no judgment,
because I mean, I would imagine that, like some people
have walked through your door where you're like, oh, I
don't want to see this person naked, you know, or
like someone has a fantasy, or like wow, I didn't
see that coming.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
I I feel like I don't have that feeling. I
don't have that judgment when someone does it. I think
that that's been Maybe it wasn't the case always, but
like that is the work that I think we're here
to do, which is to let go of those judgments,
because when you judge something, you cease to understand it.
(47:57):
Right when you judge something and you're like, that's not
for me, that's bad. Your ego. You're this thing that's
protecting you from it, from getting hurt or getting whatever
it is. It's blocking you from being able to fully
understand it an experience or or even get to know it.
(48:17):
And so for me, I am not I'm typically not judgey.
I'm curious.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
Okay, I mean that's amazing, Like, I mean, I think
that that's a it's a that's a place that we
all should get to. Yeah, And I do like that
was a really interesting sort of point of view, but
of like being like, if if you judge something, you
cease to understand or give yourself the opportunity to understand it.
(48:45):
We don't have to all like everything, you know, but
if you don't try sushi, you don't know. If you
don't you don't know if you truly like it or not.
Speaker 3 (48:54):
Yeah, I think that that blocks you. Judgment actually blocks
you from experiencing fullness of life, because that's not for me.
I'm not a I don't know men chocolate chip person,
whatever ice cream flavor, then you never try that flavor
and you always stick with vanilla and what you know,
because you're like, I like vanilla, right, but if you
just go, huh, that's new flavor, I guess I'll give
(49:16):
it to try and see what I think, right.
Speaker 1 (49:19):
And I think that is so based in fear truly,
because it's like, I know, you're like, using the ice
cream example, You're like, I always eat vanilla. I'm gonna eatvanilla.
It's easy for me to eat vanilla. I know I
like it, But there's all these other flavors, and if
you don't allow yourself to taste them and then dislike
or like some of them because you're scared to do
that or what it's going to feel like in your
mouth or something like, you really are holding yourself back.
(49:42):
Like it's all rooted in fear, right.
Speaker 3 (49:45):
Yeah, I think that it's the end that and our
fear is what makes us judge something. Right. They're like,
oh that's not good, yeah, normal, that's not what I want.
I don't think I want that, right, And when you
judge it, then you're choosing not to get to know it,
(50:07):
experience it, identify with it.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
I think that I just keep hearing the words stay curious,
stay curious.
Speaker 3 (50:15):
I love to judgment.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
Yeah, yeah, and I love this whole idea. I mean,
this goes back to what you said at the beginning
of the podcast, But our true power coming when we
actually let go, you know, like it's such a life
metaphor whatever you want to say. But even in your dungeon,
when people are coming in and they're saying what their
thing is, they're letting go of the fear around it.
(50:39):
That's when they're truly the most powerful, is when they
just lean in and open themselves up to whatever happens next.
Speaker 3 (50:46):
Yeah, that's such a paradoxical thing, right. I think that
power is in actually surrendering and letting go, and that's
that's the whole I think that's the crux of BDSM.
It's the art of letting go. And we've been told
that all the time, to let go your ex so
(51:07):
let go of that thing you want but you can't get,
or whatever it is. But it's so hard to just
let go. And I think that in the dungeon you
get to practice that, not just on a mental level
or on you know, some kind of psychological conceptual way.
It's like full on all modalities. It's the physical letting go,
(51:29):
the emotional letting go. It's the psychological. It's the spiritual
letting go. You are truly practicing on like the deepest
and most expansive levels of how to let go. And
when you do that, it's going to have ripple effects
in all aspects of how you navigate through the world.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
Known, I love that, Well, I know we have you
have a Mistress Class starting October twenty third, which is
just around the corner. Well, you tell the people where
they can go sign up for this. If people are
listening and they have more questions like where they can
find all your information and contact you if needed.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
Yeah, they could find a lot about Mistress Class on
my Instagram page at collect ProVet and they could also
find it on my website and there you'll find out
all the details of the course, what it offers and
just and also the roster of the guest speakers are
(52:35):
found on my Instagram page. And Yeah, it's an immersive
two month journey into exploring and embodying your inner dom
and learning the skills, the technical skills of being a dom.
But it's also learning how to be in your fullest power.
(53:00):
This isn't just you playing the part and pretending, but
you truly yourself that you are a powerful for them
who knows her desires and knows how to realize them.
Speaker 1 (53:15):
Well. As I said, I'm gonna put all of this
information in the description of this podcast. Collect Thank you
for being here. I mean, it's your questions answered. I
feel like I mean, I.
Speaker 4 (53:25):
Feel like I've got a million with this could go
on for hours.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
Well, you may just have to have about one.
Speaker 3 (53:34):
Think about all those things, and maybe the next time
we are on we could have a session.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
Oh no, that's just got in.
Speaker 3 (53:45):
And then we should have podcasts like number two.
Speaker 1 (53:48):
Right, Oh my god, this idea to get those whips ready.
Speaker 2 (53:54):
I'm ready, Lord, I'm.
Speaker 1 (54:01):
All right, Collette, thank you so much for being here.
As I said, I'm gonna put all the information for
the Mistress class and just to keep up with Collette
on her Instagram in the description of this podcast. And yeah,
let go of fear. You guys, stay curious. Let's release this.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
Stuy, stay curious.
Speaker 3 (54:17):
I love it so much.
Speaker 1 (54:19):
For having me, of course, and thank you so much
for you guys for listening.
Ship. Are you ready for this today?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I think so. Yeah, this is an exciting one.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
I know, I'm so excited, as you guys know. We
are talking about overcoming fear this month on the Velvet
Edge podcast and there are just so many different things
around fear, and I think a big fear for most
of us is the fear of the unknown. So if
there's something that we don't know or something that we
don't understand, it becomes scary or I know that's how
it is for me, and I think this topic really
(00:28):
falls into that category. I was lucky enough to meet
our guests in a workshop that I did called the
Breakup boot Camp, and it completely shifted the narrative in
my head of what I thought about what a Dominatrix
would be. And so today here with us is Dominatrix, Educatrix, Shamanatrix.
(00:51):
She's a writer, a human atrix, and a create Create Tricks.
Did I get that right? I stole that from your
website because I thought it was so brilliant. But Collette
Purvet is here, and Collette, we're just so happy to
have you here with us.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Hi, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for
having me.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Of course, So, as I mentioned, we were at the
Breakup boot Camp and you were one of the facilitators
that came in and spoke. And the cool thing about
that boot camp it's put on by Amy Chan. She's
an amazing woman. She's also been a guest on this podcast,
so you guys might be familiar with her work. If
you aren't, you should definitely go check her out.
Speaker 3 (01:25):
She's awesome.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
But the cool thing about that workshop is there's all
these different facilitators that come in and it's really about
helping the women after a breakup really lean into their
own power, their own self love, and all different formats
of that. And so you came in and I was like,
what a dominatrix? Like how does this play into me
(01:47):
getting over my breakup? Like I don't understand. But you
were so open and vulnerable, and you told your story
first before we talked about the work that you did,
and immediately I felt this just like connection to you
because it was such a beautiful story. So I was
wondering if you would be so open to share that
with Chip and with our listeners and just kind of
(02:10):
talk through the journey of your life and how you
got into your line of work.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Yeah, I'd be so happy too. And yeah, so where
should I begin?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I know, take us back, could take us all the
way back.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
All the way back to childhood, to the point I
decided to become a dominatrix.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Well, I think the cool thing about what you shared
at the boot camp was part of your childhood and
just the dynamics between you and your family and how
that kind of puts you in the position later to
really want to learn about your own power.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Yeah. So I was born and raised in Orange County,
and my folks were from Vietnam and immigrated here in
the eighties, and so I'm the child and daughter of
immigrant refugees, and they've been through so much in their
(03:11):
journey of escaping a war torn country, coming here on
a boat and risking their lives and giving me this
opportunity here. And you know, at the time, when I
was little, I didn't see any of this. I just
wanted to be white up in Orange County and had
(03:32):
a lot of insecurities about my race, about my class,
us being poor, about even just my body and my
weight and all of that. And so my journey has
been a journey of overcoming my shadows, my insecurities, my shame,
and a huge part of that was actually choosing to
(03:57):
become a dominatrix, not even knowing that that was going
to be such a healing journey and path for me,
but just taking that step of wanting to try something new,
something I've never even really heard of before. It transformed
(04:17):
my whole life. From someone who had eating disorders and
body dysmorphia, I was putting on lingerie and being surrounded
by powerful, badass fems who were affirming me and being like,
you look hot. It was like really and then like
my subs worshiping me, and that that shifted my my
(04:44):
my self perception of you know, the insecurities I have
about my body and with just you know, the journey
of learning how to love myself accept myself has been
like ongoing, But a huge part of that is also
just being able to express that being able to express
(05:04):
the parts of yourself that you're ashamed of. And you
know what I did break up food Camp, and how
I like to open up my containers is by being
very vulnerable and sharing all the deepest parts of myself
that I used to hide and I used to be
afraid of, and I used to keep a secret. And
(05:25):
that's when you can alchemize that shadow, when you take
that fear of what would people think, and you're like,
you put it out there, it's no longer your shame,
it's your power, it's your truth, and just by owning it,
by saying it, you own it. And when you own it,
(05:45):
no one can take that truth away from you. And
I think that that's something that also happens inside the
session in kink, right when a sub comes to me
and tells me their deepest, darkest desires, their secret fantasies
that they haven't told anyone, that is also a moment
for them where something is being alchemized. Something that used
(06:07):
to be shameful is now something that can be playful
and fun and pleasurable and cathartic. And and so I
just love like this aspect of like the thing that
we run away from is the thing that we should
actually run towards or move through. And the journey that
(06:28):
I've taken in just being a dom has allowed me
to witness every single time that when you step into
the unknown, when you step into the moment of vulnerability
and uncomfortability, is a moment when you are getting closer
and stepping into your power.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Yeah, I love that idea. I did a podcast earlier
or this was last week, I guess, and it was
with an astrologer. He's on our podcast once a month,
but we were talking a lot about the shadow self,
and he brought up this quote by Pima Children and
she says, you know, the bravest thing is for us
to look within ourselves at our shadow because at first,
(07:07):
it's really embarrassing, like none of us want to see
ourselves in that light. You know, there's these things that
we were pressed and we hold down, and whatever it is,
I think it could come in the form of the
work that you do, where you're seeing people maybe in
their sexual things that they've repressed, but there's all sorts
of narratives around that. It could be anything. And I
think as humans, or for me, like the most healing
(07:29):
conversations that I have or the reason I want to
do this kind of work is because as humans we
need connection, and when we're being vulnerable with each other
and sharing those parts of ourselves, it does it loses
its power and we realize like everyone has that stuff,
you know, and it's not so scary once it's just
set out out it does, it loses its power. So
(07:50):
do you see that a lot in the clients that
you work with.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
Yeah, I think that they begin to see how much
power they have when they choose to be vulnerable and
step into the unknown and give me their power. And
I think that it's a misconception that the subs or
the clients I see don't have power. It's actually the opposite.
They're giving me power, invite into that. It means that
they have power and they know that they have it,
(08:18):
and they realize that even more through the session as
they keep on giving up more and more themselves to
the deep surrender into the unknown. And I think that
the journey of a session is the deep dive into
discovering your power. And it's paradoxical, and that the more
(08:44):
power you give up, the more power you realize you have,
the more that you can surrender, the more that you
can say yes to the unknown, the more powerful you
are because you are trusting yourself and the do and
the moment everything and saying yes, I'll take this on,
I'll experience this and feel this. Even though it's painful
(09:06):
and and comfortable and degrading, there's something here that's allowing
me to just be and feel without judgment or fear.
Speaker 4 (09:15):
Well, especially when you're coming out of it alive and safe.
On the other side, it's like an empowering thing that
you know, I would I'm curious, Like, I mean, I
don't know what your relationship is like with your clients,
like if if when you're together it is very specific
to what that moment needs to be, or if there
is any sort of level of like talk therapy that
(09:38):
happens too, Like are these people taking what they're learning
and using it outside of you know, in the real
world in ways like at work or something like that
where they're you know, obviously it takes a lot of
courage to submit to somebody, and there's obviously a lot
of shame and particularly in the US, around sex, and
(09:58):
you know, we're taught so much of that. So to
be able to be vulnerable in that situation, God, I
can only imagine what it would allow someone in a
relationship at work in daily life, things like like wow,
if I could survive that buying closed doors.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
It must be really powerful in those other situations.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Absolutely, And I think that it's like what happens on
the micro level inside the dungeon is also what happens
on the macro level outside the dungeon. I actually think
that the dungeon is kind of this training ground in
metaphor in practice for life. Everything you do inside the
dungeon is a practice of what you should be doing
outside the dungeon, right and inside the dungeon before a
(10:39):
session even happens. The reason why it's so safe to
explore all of this is because there's a negotiation that
happens before a session that we do have a conversation.
It's really deep and goes through all of the parts
where I ask the sub what is it that you want,
what are your fantasies, what are your desires, what are
your what are your physical limitations? What's the safe word?
(11:03):
And we establish all of that before we begin, and
that's how they feel completely seen, heard, held, accepted, and
even the parts to where they're like, oh, I've never
shared that with anyone before, how this all began, or
why I have this or that I even have this desire.
It's cathartic even just in the moment of sharing that
(11:25):
and then to be taken on this journey to experience
it and to be able to get off on it.
Then you just transcended these dualities of your mind of
thinking that this thing that you used to think was
shameful or such a big secret, it's actually a point
of pleasure, a point of being able to get off
on and be like, Wow, that was fucking amazing. I
(11:45):
feel so good.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
What?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Yeah, I have so many questions.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
I'm me too, Like, I just don't know what's want
to ask first?
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I know, okay, Well, I just yeah, I feel the same.
I'm like tongue tied because I'm like, I don't ask
this this like one did you just wake up one
day and you're like, you know what I'm really interested
in is being a dominatrix? Like where did that start?
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Yeah? I didn't even know what a dominatrix was until
I was in grad school. And this was like seventeen
or eighteen years ago, and two of my friends started
working at a house of domination called the Gates, and
one of them told me about their experience they had
that day. I was like, so, what did you do today?
They're like, well, I tied a guy up strap strap on,
(12:36):
tucked him in the ascid, pissed on him. And I
was like.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Whoa, whoa, it's a Tuesday.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
Another day at the office for you?
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Is that right?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Then? I studied for an exam.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Yeah, And I was just kind of blown away that
that's the story she got to tell about her Tuesday.
And I was like, I want stories like that to tell.
That sounds so amazing to have that in my book
when I look back, and you know how I like
to make decisions when i'm and you know, it was
(13:09):
kind of a tough decision to make because I like,
it's like, this work is kind of underground, and back
then in two thousand and five, before fifty Shades of Gray,
this was way underground and a gray shadowy area. Didn't
I didn't really know much about it. I didn't even
(13:30):
know if like the you know, clients and stubs, who
were you know, quote unquote normal. I was like, who
would want this? Who would pay women to like have
them kick them in the balls. I don't get it,
Like I didn't get it. But I was just curious about, like,
I have to figure out what this is because it
just seems so strange. And you know, I just asked myself,
(13:50):
what's the story I want to tell? And the story
I want to tell is, Yeah, I want to have
those crazy random tuesdays where I get to like piss
on someone get paid. I went in through an interview
and and kind of made a story that I've been
practicing this in my personal life but it wasn't true,
and started shadowing sessions until I felt comfortable enough to
(14:13):
take my own sessions. There weren't any. It wasn't a
real formal training at all. It was just dive in
and learn as you go. Learned a lot.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Who was the boss, Like who do you interview with?
Speaker 3 (14:26):
She was a head mistress. She kind of ran the
whole space, and yeah, and she was very much like
a head mistress like type.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Right, like what you would expect.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Yeah, can you take us into like the dungeon because
I kind of want to picture the space where this
is happening. I've also never seen fifty Shades either or
read it, so I've got no contact.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
I mean, okay, I don't think you need to.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
I don't think it's the most accurate way to think.
It was a thing that opened the doors to so
many people's nations, so I'm grateful for that. But oh,
I guess I wish I kind of did this podcast
in my dungeon.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Oh, I know you're in this bride airy room. It's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
It's like a nice position. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
Yeah, my dungeon's a much darker place. It's dark and
spacious and has like the Saint Andrew's cross, banking bench, sling,
padded walls.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
Hold on, hold on, go back. You said a spanking
bench A.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
What St Andrew's crash a bench?
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Now it's spanking bitch. And then did you say a.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
Sleigh A sling kind of like ling?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Oh, okay, okay, okay, I'm getting my visual.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Like okay, yeah, slang okay, like a seat okay.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Okay, Like two cages were actually three, and you know,
all lots of suspension points and bondage points and yeah,
it's just a space that feels dark and dreamy, has
(16:18):
lots of toys and whips and rope, and lots of
bondage gear, lots of leather metal cuffs, and and also
just a little negotiation area where we sit in chat
before and after a session. And yeah, that's where the
(16:41):
magic happens.
Speaker 4 (16:42):
So I was just gonna ask, are the clients fully
like do they get fully nude in the situation?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
M HM Okay, got it?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Okay, Yeah, So what happens They walk into the dungeon
and y'all sit in the negotiation area and that's when
you ask them the questions like what is you're why
are you here today? Kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
Yeah, if they're a first time client, then we have
that negotiation and go over all the things that they
want to get into, the things they don't want to
get into, any physical limitations, and establishing the safe word.
And if they're a regular I've had regulars of like
over ten years and even seventeen years, then we don't
(17:26):
have that conversation and we just kind of chat and
then at some point we're like, okay, are you ready,
let's begin.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Okay. If you've had like clients that long, that's almost
like a relationship of the sort, like you're connected to
them in a certain capacity. So are these clients like
are they single? Are they in relationship? Is that part
of something they negotiate with their partner? Like how does
that work? Is it different with everyone?
Speaker 3 (17:53):
It's different with everyone. It's a wide range. There are
some who are single and some who are married, and
some do you tell their partners and some don't. And
I just respect where they're at with how they want
to share themselves. And I love it when they can
be open about this with their partners or when they
bring their partners in and I get to play with
(18:14):
couples and women, but typically are they're mostly men and
they want to and maybe they're mostly in their forties
and above, but there are some who are younger. I
think that something does happen when you reach your midlife
and you realize, wait, you actually need to live your
(18:36):
life and explore things, and so they see it all.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
We're both just like taking it all in well. I
liked the idea. I mean, this is a lot what
I learned in the Breakup boot Camp because there's so
much of the power dynamic play in a session like this,
and so we're talking about the actual physical acts. I
actually researched a bunch about like dominatrix and BDSM and
(19:06):
it's one of the misconceptions too, is like when you
associate things with sex workers that there's actual sex that
takes place. And like I read a lot that a
lot of doms are like, no, that's not how this
goes at all, or you know, like it's not something
like that, and it is more about the power dynamic,
and so can you talk us through that a little bit,
like what you're seeing in your clients or maybe what
(19:30):
kind of power it brings to you, like how that's
like a healing thing from like you said, healing your
own insecurities even and things like that.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
Yeah, I think that is a common misconception that that
clients have sex with doms. It's you know, they typically
in most classical typical sessions, they don't. It's really about
exploring your alternative sexuality. It's about finding all the other
ways is that you can get off. That's not vanilla sex,
(20:04):
and that's the fun part of kin gets like yoh,
so I can actually get off on just like sucking
your toes. Wow, that's crazy, like golden showers. And so
I think that, Well, the thing that does typically happen
is that the subs, if the mistress allows them, they
(20:28):
can touch themselves. They could self release, but that is
you know, up to the mistress's discretion. They deserve it.
But in sessions, that's about really exploring all the other
ways in which you can get off and find pleasure
in unexpected ways. And the unexpected places are the places
(20:53):
of discomfort or pain or degradation. It's the things that
you typically would avoid or run away from. Here you
explore it and find a way to make it erotic.
And that's kind of the work of the mistress, that
she can seduce the sub into saying yes to these
(21:14):
things where he's like, oh my god, I didn't know
that I was into that. I thought I would be
into this and yes, but not that. But somehow you
just found a way to push my boundary just a
little so that I know that my boundaries are actually
softer than I thought. That's kind of the craft and
the skill of topping someone to kind of push them
(21:35):
to their edges and explore where their edges are and
see how much further you could take them and allow
for them to be like, oh wow, I'm actually quite
limitless in how I can find my pleasure through this space.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
And do you get people that come in and they're like,
when you say something, I don't know what your questions
would be, but like if they set down in your
negotiation and you say something like why are you here
and they're like, I don't know, do you ever get that?
And it's part of the journey to bring that out.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
They always know. They know, Okay, you always know, and
even if it's subconscious, it's right. Right. They may be like,
I don't know why I have this fantasy of wanting
to just be on my knees and look up to
a woman and surrender to her. But I just have
that fantasy, right, So they may not know where it
(22:31):
came from. They may not know why they feel it
so deeply that they've landed in my dungeon. But all
they know is that this arised and they're subconscious, and
they want to explore whether or not they can truly
truly find pleasure in it, because somehow in their mind
(22:51):
they find it titillating or provoking or provocative. And the
only way to know if this is something that they
could really bring them pleasure is to experience it.
Speaker 4 (23:04):
Are most of them people that in their daily lives
are fairly powerful.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Like, is that a common thread?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
I think that that stereotype is true for some for
reasons of Yeah, in our in our everyday life, we
are always trying to be in control, and so there
is a reason why like a lot of you know,
CEOs or lawyers, they just love being able to have
a moment where they don't have to call the shots,
(23:34):
they don't have to be in control, they don't have
to think about what they are going to do next,
they even have to think about themselves. They could just
allow all of that and their ego to slip away,
to fully surrender. And I think that the more I
think that we have this internal compass within us to
(23:55):
seek balance and in our everyday life, if it's thrown
off balance by being like so in controlled, so on
top of everything, your subconscious mind is going to come
up with some fantasies that you're like, WHOA, this is strange.
Why am I thinking about this right now? I mean
even for myself when I was studying for my qualifying exams,
(24:16):
which was one of the most like stressful moments of my,
like brad career, I had these weird medical play scenes
of being like a patient and you know, surrendering to
the doctors. Like, why am I having these fantasies right now?
It's because I'm so fucking stressed out right now trying
to be like so like on all these topics I'm
(24:37):
supposed to be a specialist, and that I just want
to have a moment where I am like completely like
surrendering and maybe even being taken advantage of, right, Like
this is what happens. These fantasies arise subconsciously because your
subconscious is trying to find balance within yourself. And you
may not know why you had the fantasy, but there
(24:58):
is a route to it.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
I love the psychological aspect of that, Like, I'm fascinated
with the stuff that had, Like our brain, what it
brings up or what comes up out of our subconscious
when we're in stressful times of our lives, and how
often like it could be tied to sexual things and
we're so conditioned to just repress instead of like explore
(25:23):
what's that bringing up? Or why why? Like what you're saying,
why that fantasy? Well, there was something else that was
out of balance within you, and that is like so
fascinating to me. I just think it's like it's just
an interesting dynamic too, because we're all taught from such
a young age to just stuff anything sexual just down,
you know, like it's not okay, and there's only these
(25:46):
certain conditions where those kind of things are acceptable. So
do you deal with that a lot? Like helping people
work through some of that repression.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
Absolutely, I feel like that is the crux of the
work of being create a safe space. I think the
dungeon is this place of no judgment. There's absolutely no judgment,
and that is just the most cathartic space to be
(26:16):
and to not be judged. And I think that for
anyone to be themselves, to be able to share who
what's inside, even though it seems so wild and crazy,
even there this is what they might be into. But
(26:36):
to be able to have no judgment, to not think
that this thing is good or bad, right or wrong, normal, crazy,
and just be accepted for all that you are, and
all and all the parts of you that's coming up
and wants to come out and express itself. Right to
be able to like for a man to dress up
(26:59):
as a woman, to enjoy that experience and to be
treated like one and to be taken like one. It's
cathotic to be able to transcend gender, to transcend ideas
of how one should be. And I think that's the
reason why men typically see doms. It's because our society
(27:25):
and our culture has conditioned us and condition men to
define themselves in such a narrow way. If a man cries,
then he makes them less of a man. If he
wants to let the woman lead. That makes them less
of a man, right when if they express themselves in
a way that's through screaming or moaning or whatever it is,
(27:49):
that's not masculine or manly. I think that it's allowing
the sub or the man or whomever to be able
to express whatever wants to come out and not think
and does this make me less the man? Does this
make me? Okay? Does this make me what? It's just
(28:10):
like you don't even have to think about it. There's
no fat it's just feeling and no judgment in how
you feel and be in the moment.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Well, that's like where the fear. It's like releasing fear completely.
Because I was as you were talking, I was thinking, yeah,
it makes sense to me that men specifically would want
to go to a session like this because I can't
imagine that it's easy. And maybe this is this goes
for women too. It's for all of us to approach
your partner about certain things, like it's scary because you know,
(28:43):
obviously they're going to have their reaction probably based on
their own fear. Like you know, like if I was
in a partner with a man, that's I mean in
a yeah, partner with that right now, A partnership with
a man who came to me and was like, Hey,
I think it's really going to turn me on if
I dress like a woman. I know that Initially my
reaction would be like, wait, what does that mean? You
(29:05):
know it would produce all this fear within me, and
I say, I want my partner to come to me
with fantasies and all that stuff, but it is scary,
and so it takes a certain kind of partnership, I think,
to be able to really work through those dynamics together.
So it's of course like that makes so much sense
that they would associate a place where there's no judgment,
(29:29):
no shame, it's just complete freedom to work out whatever
it is that you want.
Speaker 4 (29:35):
Do you find that any of your clients are taking
their newfound like freedom in these kinks back to their
partners and exercising them at home.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Or is this a fantasy world that they need.
Speaker 4 (29:52):
To exist sort of separate from the rest of their lives,
particularly when it comes to sex with a partner or whatever.
Speaker 3 (29:59):
I think it very depending on what individual to another.
Some just experience this moment of catharsis and it just
they let that feeling and that bliss and that knowing
of what they have just experienced kind of carrying them
through their days and they're like, Okay, this is my
(30:21):
other side that gets to experience the unknown. And then
there are some who do want to talk about it
and do want to explore how this experience is actually
something that can can affect the way that they connect
with their partners, the way they connect with their associates
(30:43):
at work. It's something that is a part of their
experience and it's shaped them and has made them more open,
more vulnerable, more adventurous, and more willing to explore the unknown.
And I think that's probably the most the most fundamental
(31:08):
piece of the willingness to explore the unknown and to
shed a little bit of that fear of not of
stepping into something where you don't know what's.
Speaker 4 (31:18):
Going to happen next, right right, Well, for the most
people are going to be listening to this and not
see you. She's wearing a beautiful lace mask. So I'm curious,
like if in sessions like do you always have the
mask on? Are your clients masks?
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Like? What is the what's the die? The divide? Like,
is that to like and in real life, like do
they know what you look like outside of the outside
of the dungeon?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Yeah? I don't wear my veil in session, so my okay,
hubs do get to see me. We see each other
face to face and they are not veiled either. They're
fully naked and exposed. And I prefer the veiled as
I like to keep a part of this who what
I do like, I like a little bit of privacy,
(32:04):
and I like knowing that the people who know me
face to face or people I have seen face to
face as well.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Right, I mean I'm still at that place where I'm like,
I have a ten question, so.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
I want to know how like new client, Like, I'm
not going getting very deep.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
I'm just like asking really curious questions.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
But how often, like when particularly when it's a new client,
how quickly do they get to their safeword? You know,
like do you is it like you see the immediately?
Speaker 3 (32:38):
Yeah, that's I think that's part of like the skill
of the dom. She doesn't want the sub to get
to their safeword.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Right.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
When you get to your safe word, that means that
you're in fear. Yeah you tapped out, Yeah that you've
like you've touched the up on their edge and they've
like gone over the edge and make it take it anymore,
and so you're really the work of the dom is
to get them as close as they can get to
(33:08):
that edge, but to keep on wanting them to go
one step further, and to not say ford, but to
be like, oh, I thought this would be too much before,
but in the moment, I am just in it and
I love it, and I could keep on saying yes
and keep on accepting this.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
When you say the work of the dom, Like what
just popped in my head was like, well, like do
you go to school for this? Like how do you train?
Is it trial and error? And is that like how'd
you figure out what's too far? Is it a very
like empathetic thing that you're feeling your way through each session?
Or do you have some sort of training background where
(33:50):
people are like do this not that? Like how do
you train to become a dom?
Speaker 3 (33:55):
Well, there was no training for me in becoming a dom,
and I think typically in like the US, there isn't
really a formal training to become doms. What you could
do is typically you work in a house. Sometimes if
you're lucky, the house does offer training, but in my house,
there was no training. It was you shadow sessions. You
(34:18):
sit in on other doms sessions, just watch what they
do until you feel like you can do that too
and want to start making money. Then you start taking
sessions and then you learn as you go. Yeah, and
sometimes you can. There are instances where I wouldn't. I
(34:39):
mentored a lot of doms in my in my career
to explore this world and have them shadow my sessions
and just showed them the ropes. And so, because I
feel like there's not enough education out there in becoming
a DOM, I've created my own course of entraining and
(35:01):
mentorship for women and fems who want to explore becoming
doms as a way to give them a sense of
like what to look out for, what to do, how
do you call it dom persona? How do you bring
out this voice, this act, this playfulness? And so I
just put together everything that I've learned in my seventeen
(35:24):
years as a DOM into a program that feels like
a deep dive into this world of kink.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
Well, You've talked a lot about it being mostly male clients,
but so I want to talk a little bit about
this workshop that you offer it's called the Mistress Class.
Is that right? That's not that fun? Yes, and so,
and you can find all the info on your website,
which I'll link all of that in the description of
this podcast. But are you seeing a lot of women
(35:55):
come into this work or just have interest in this
kind of thing now, Like, has that shifted over the years?
Is it more prevalent now than it was in the past.
Speaker 3 (36:03):
Yes, It's definitely more prevalent now. And the first time
I launched a mistress class, over one hundred women and
fems enrolled in the course and I was blown away
by it. Yeah, And I think that it just speaks
to how the times are shifting and that there are
so many women and fems out there who want to
(36:24):
explore stepping into their power, who want to explore this
whole other world where they are worshiped and they are
adored for being in the power, in their feminine power.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Can you touch a little bit on what that would
look like, because I know we've talked a lot about
masculine and feminine energy on this podcast, and I'll have
people come on and kind of talk through like, you know,
the masculine is a very leadership type energy and so
I think some people interpret the feminine energy to be weak,
and I'm like, no, it's like so the opposite. But
(36:59):
I'm not allays able to verbalize the power of the feminine.
Do you have some sort of definition you give to
people or description of what that might look like?
Speaker 3 (37:09):
For me? I think it it's a personal definition of
what power is and how I define it. And I
think that when we think about power, it does have
this it's rooted in a very masculine, patriarchal way when
you think aboutwer of control and being able to dominate
(37:31):
a lot of people, and you think of like political
leaders or celebrities. But I think that what's happening in
this space is that we start to define the power
the power in a different way, in a more feminine way,
and it's not weak but soft, and it's not rooted
in patriarchal terms of competition of one has to lose
(37:55):
for the other to win. But the power of the
feminine is actually about collaborating, cooperation and being able to
come together to support each other into coming into our
power together. And that's a huge piece of what I
think the power of the feminine is. It's the way
that we come together in connection, collaboration, and cooperation to
(38:17):
make each and every one of us stronger. And that's
what's so powerful in Mistress Class that I didn't even
realize until all these incredible bad ass fems showed up,
and the way that they supported each other into exploring
their dominant size, it was so powerful. The way that
(38:39):
they show love, support, encouragement to explore themselves. No, it
feels really vulnerable, even though it feels really edgy, but
to be able to be supported by each other and
to see that we can all explore this and find
ways to define what power is for us and for me,
(39:03):
power is the ability to create change. And I think
the power of the feminine is just there's it's a
much subtler way to create change. It's not forceful, it's
not brute force or control. It's it's inspiring. It's inspirational change.
(39:23):
Its inspires you to want to to change yourself or
change what's around you. And I think that that's really
the power of the feminine for me.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
Yeah, I think that's amazing that that's what your workshop,
that's what you noticed with the women, because I think
so often something that I've experienced or it's just kind
of like our culture maybe and like social media world
and all of it is we are put in direct
competition with each other constantly, Like it's like I have
to be this way to keep a man's attention, you know,
(39:58):
to then like and it's so much pressure and then
you find yourself, do you know, doing the comparison thing,
or like you said, trying to control like driving to
like win, to do all this stuff, and it takes
you completely out of your own power when you're doing that.
And so it's such a beautiful thing to hear you
say that what you notice with the women was their
(40:20):
encouragement of each other, because I do believe what you're
saying is true, that that does make us so much
more powerful than tearing each other down and competing with
each other and not standing in our own power and uniqueness.
Speaker 3 (40:33):
Right, Yes, So I think that what this this idea
of like competition, the idea of like power in these
defined and pretriorchical ways, it really stems from this like
scarcity mindset. Yes, that there's not enough for all of us.
That if you have this, then I can't have it.
(40:55):
And so what's so powerful of the feminine power is
the abundant mindset that there is enough for all of us.
And what I love doing is sharing my subs with
my mistresses and they get to experience playing with them,
connecting with them. And also I bring on other guest
(41:16):
doms into the course so that they could see, like, wow,
there's so many ways for you to access your inner
dom into weave your own personality into this. There's not
just one way to do it, but it's the way
that we all come together. And what's so beautiful about
(41:37):
this world is really the sisterhood, the DOM sisterhood I have.
I am so grateful for the community of DOM sisters
who have been so supportive because this work is still
in the shadows and that we are still being suppressed
in social media in all these spaces, and that we
have to keep on supporting each other so that we
(42:00):
can be seen and heard and accepted culturally.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Yeah, we tell us a little bit about what So
if people listening are like, oh my god, I'm kind
of interested in that, I feel like also I wonder
if listeners are listening and they're like, I'm very interested
in that, but I'm also really scared shit list that
I'm interested in that, Like I wonder if you're like
battling yourselves because I feel that a little bit.
Speaker 4 (42:25):
I mean, I was going to say that's kind of
how I feel, but it's like, well, I mean, it's like,
because I want the bravery to think that I'd be
able to step into that and be comfortable.
Speaker 2 (42:36):
But I'm like, but I don't think I could, you know,
so it's like you could, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (42:41):
I mean, I look, I think also some of that
is probably coming for me, Like what kind of shame
would I carry if somebody knew that I was doing that?
Speaker 2 (42:50):
You know, because there is there's that.
Speaker 4 (42:52):
Element to it too, because obviously if you're going to
do something like this, you have to be doing it
for yourself.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
So you know, do you share with people that you're
doing it.
Speaker 4 (43:02):
Or do you just like let it unlock something in
you that then you share that power with people without
having to tell them how you arrived.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
It probably up to you.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
Yeah, yeah, I'll let you know, Kelly, if I ever
do it, well, you know.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
I'll tell the whole world.
Speaker 2 (43:20):
So yeah, you'll make me talk about it on hare.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
So so what would you say to listeners collect that
would be maybe kind of battling with themselves about that.
Is that a common reaction that you get.
Speaker 3 (43:38):
Yeah, I think that. I think that there are those
who have been curious about exploring this but feel like
there's some resistance to it, and that resistance is their
own self judgment, or maybe it's the voices that they've
been internalized from around them growing up or even in
(43:58):
their social circle that maybe they are in a space
where they feel uncomfortable to share these desires and so
they're like, what do I, how do I? What do
I do with this? And I would say, if you
have the desire, you should seek that out. I think
that's the point of life and why we're here to
(44:19):
explore what makes us curious. I if I didn't explore
this little thing I was curious about, I was like,
why do men pay these doms to this on them?
I don't get it and get it? Until I was
in session with them and I was doing I was like,
I get it now. I told they are really enjoying this,
(44:42):
and I could and I am too. Yeah, these things
that you know, when you verbalize it, it doesn't make
sense because you've been conditioned to avoid these things, But
then when you experience it, you're like, oh, it actually
feels really good. That's why, Well explore that. And so
(45:03):
what's holding you back are just voices that have been
conditioned within you to think that this is bad. But
when you can experience something without judgment, that's pure bliss.
Right to be able to experience this feeling of complete surrender,
(45:26):
of being able to be someone else, to cry, to scream,
to moan, to be completely in bondage, and yet you're like,
I feel so free right now to experience intense pain,
but yet it feels so good the way she's spanking
me right now. I didn't know I would love the
(45:47):
kinge though. That's when that happens. That's like the orgasm
of your mind, right, It's the orgasm of like, Aha,
I had no idea it could be like this. And
I've had so many subs in the past who are like,
I can't believe that I just had an orgasm from
(46:11):
getting fucked in the ass, well, but a full body
orgasm like the way women get. And it's like, if
only all men in the world knew that there was
this whole other way to experience this orgasm. Oh my god,
I'm so glad I got to experience it rather than
not right. But even that is such an edge right
(46:36):
for most men or even women to think about that,
to be taken in that way, to open yourself up,
to be stretched in that way, to completely surrender in
that way. But when you do and there's no judgment
around it, and you could just feel how good it feels,
(46:58):
that's you transcending all dualities of your mind and the
society's dualities of what's right, wrong, good, bad, mask and
feminine crazy normal, all of it's gone. Yeah, and you're
just truly being that's bliss.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
How hard was.
Speaker 4 (47:17):
It for you to get to a place of no judgment,
because I mean, I would imagine that, like some people
have walked through your door where you're like, oh, I
don't want to see this person naked, you know, or
like someone has a fantasy, or like wow, I didn't
see that coming.
Speaker 3 (47:34):
I I feel like I don't have that feeling. I
don't have that judgment when someone does it. I think
that that's been Maybe it wasn't the case always, but
like that is the work that I think we're here
to do, which is to let go of those judgments,
because when you judge something, you cease to understand it.
(47:57):
Right when you judge something and you're like, that's not
for me, that's bad. Your ego. You're this thing that's
protecting you from it, from getting hurt or getting whatever
it is. It's blocking you from being able to fully
understand it an experience or or even get to know it.
(48:17):
And so for me, I am not I'm typically not judgey.
I'm curious.
Speaker 4 (48:24):
Okay, I mean that's amazing, Like, I mean, I think
that that's a it's a that's a place that we
all should get to. Yeah, And I do like that
was a really interesting sort of point of view, but
of like being like, if if you judge something, you
cease to understand or give yourself the opportunity to understand it.
(48:45):
We don't have to all like everything, you know, but
if you don't try sushi, you don't know. If you
don't you don't know if you truly like it or not.
Speaker 3 (48:54):
Yeah, I think that that blocks you. Judgment actually blocks
you from experiencing fullness of life, because that's not for me.
I'm not a I don't know men chocolate chip person,
whatever ice cream flavor, then you never try that flavor
and you always stick with vanilla and what you know,
because you're like, I like vanilla, right, but if you
just go, huh, that's new flavor, I guess I'll give
(49:16):
it to try and see what I think, right.
Speaker 1 (49:19):
And I think that is so based in fear truly,
because it's like, I know, you're like, using the ice
cream example, You're like, I always eat vanilla. I'm gonna eatvanilla.
It's easy for me to eat vanilla. I know I
like it, But there's all these other flavors, and if
you don't allow yourself to taste them and then dislike
or like some of them because you're scared to do
that or what it's going to feel like in your
mouth or something like, you really are holding yourself back.
(49:42):
Like it's all rooted in fear, right.
Speaker 3 (49:45):
Yeah, I think that it's the end that and our
fear is what makes us judge something. Right. They're like,
oh that's not good, yeah, normal, that's not what I want.
I don't think I want that, right, And when you
judge it, then you're choosing not to get to know it,
(50:07):
experience it, identify with it.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
I think that I just keep hearing the words stay curious,
stay curious.
Speaker 3 (50:15):
I love to judgment.
Speaker 1 (50:18):
Yeah, yeah, and I love this whole idea. I mean,
this goes back to what you said at the beginning
of the podcast, But our true power coming when we
actually let go, you know, like it's such a life
metaphor whatever you want to say. But even in your dungeon,
when people are coming in and they're saying what their
thing is, they're letting go of the fear around it.
(50:39):
That's when they're truly the most powerful, is when they
just lean in and open themselves up to whatever happens next.
Speaker 3 (50:46):
Yeah, that's such a paradoxical thing, right. I think that
power is in actually surrendering and letting go, and that's
that's the whole I think that's the crux of BDSM.
It's the art of letting go. And we've been told
that all the time, to let go your ex so
(51:07):
let go of that thing you want but you can't get,
or whatever it is. But it's so hard to just
let go. And I think that in the dungeon you
get to practice that, not just on a mental level
or on you know, some kind of psychological conceptual way.
It's like full on all modalities. It's the physical letting go,
(51:29):
the emotional letting go. It's the psychological. It's the spiritual
letting go. You are truly practicing on like the deepest
and most expansive levels of how to let go. And
when you do that, it's going to have ripple effects
in all aspects of how you navigate through the world.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
Known, I love that, Well, I know we have you
have a Mistress Class starting October twenty third, which is
just around the corner. Well, you tell the people where
they can go sign up for this. If people are
listening and they have more questions like where they can
find all your information and contact you if needed.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
Yeah, they could find a lot about Mistress Class on
my Instagram page at collect ProVet and they could also
find it on my website and there you'll find out
all the details of the course, what it offers and
just and also the roster of the guest speakers are
(52:35):
found on my Instagram page. And Yeah, it's an immersive
two month journey into exploring and embodying your inner dom
and learning the skills, the technical skills of being a dom.
But it's also learning how to be in your fullest power.
(53:00):
This isn't just you playing the part and pretending, but
you truly yourself that you are a powerful for them
who knows her desires and knows how to realize them.
Speaker 1 (53:15):
Well. As I said, I'm gonna put all of this
information in the description of this podcast. Collect Thank you
for being here. I mean, it's your questions answered. I
feel like I mean, I.
Speaker 4 (53:25):
Feel like I've got a million with this could go
on for hours.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
Well, you may just have to have about one.
Speaker 3 (53:34):
Think about all those things, and maybe the next time
we are on we could have a session.
Speaker 1 (53:41):
Oh no, that's just got in.
Speaker 3 (53:45):
And then we should have podcasts like number two.
Speaker 1 (53:48):
Right, Oh my god, this idea to get those whips ready.
Speaker 2 (53:54):
I'm ready, Lord, I'm.
Speaker 1 (54:01):
All right, Collette, thank you so much for being here.
As I said, I'm gonna put all the information for
the Mistress class and just to keep up with Collette
on her Instagram in the description of this podcast. And yeah,
let go of fear. You guys, stay curious. Let's release this.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
Stuy, stay curious.
Speaker 3 (54:17):
I love it so much.
Speaker 1 (54:19):
For having me, of course, and thank you so much
for you guys for listening.
Host
Kelly Henderson
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