PsycHacks

It is a commonly-held belief that men who are not serious about a woman's long-term commitment should leave her be – especially in her 30s. Don't waste her time! However, disqualifying men because they will not comply with a woman's time line is a poor dating strategy. Good things take time – irrespective of when they are begun. This is how women set themselves up to fail: they attempt too many projects and do not give any sufficie...

There is evidence to suggest that men need respect in a sexual relationship more than they need love. However, many women legitimately don't know how to respect a man. In today's episode, I will lay bare the core of respect, the essential element without which no respect exists: obedience. By approaching the O word, women can learn how to have more peaceful and satisfying relationships with the men of their choosing.

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Since men and women gatekeep different aspects of a relationship – commitment and sex, respectively – the burden of effort over the course of a courtship falls on the one who is actively trying to be let in. It's not just women who perform emotional labor in dating. It take a lot of work for men to initiate the sexual relationship. However, there is an imbalance in getting vs. keeping: the cost of one is not always – or usually – t...

Most men are a woman's option – not her priority. And many are complicit in relegating themselves to this role. In today's episode, I discuss how over-pursuing and over-committing lead to suboptimal outcomes. If you want to get what you want, don't be her option. Giving too much, too soon is why you get left on read.

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To get what you want in life, it is helpful to cultivate a “fuck you” attitude, that is: the capacity to go without the support or approval of others. However, it may be even more helpful to cultivate a “fuck me” attitude to achieve your dreams. This is the ability to consciously override the habits and preferences that block your effective action. This is how to accelerate your growth: go fuck myself.

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In this third installment on my series on male sexuality, I discuss another reason why men lose interest in sex: love. Like it or not, a good deal of male arousal is predicated on objectification. Once a man begins to care for the person inside the body, the sexual act is increasingly divested of its aggressive element, which can vitiate the experience. This is the Madonna/Whore Complex, and it affects more men than you would think...

Despite appearances to the contrary, there are many men today who believe in magic. That is, they believe that marrying a woman will solve the problems that exist in their relationship. In this case, marriage isn't the answer. It's important to understand that any problems that exist in the courtship stage – unburdened, as it is, from any real responsibility – will only worsen in the context of marriage. A ring is a symbol of a rel...

In my second episode on the subject, I discuss another variable antagonistic to male sexuality: habituation. For better or worse, men – or males, more generally – are biologically programmed to spread their seed. This strategy is supported by the Coolidge Effect, which is a psychological phenomenon that makes novel sexual opportunities appear more attractive to men. The allure of the new is a powerful force. At the end of the talk,...

Tea, a popular new app that purports to “make dating safer for women,” has (deservedly) received a lot of backlash in recent weeks. In this episode, I argue that Tea – and apps like it – have the potential to sever a dating market that is already only hanging on by a thread. Rather than dissuading bad actors, these apps are more likely to terrify good ones. When the risk-reward profile of dating women becomes too unfavorable, only ...

Just like there are many different ways to structure a company, there are many different ways to structure a romantic relationship. Today I discuss two of the most common such structures: pet and partner. One is not necessarily better than the other, and there are pros and cons to each. It's important to consider your needs closely, because you can't have it both ways. By matching the revealed power structure to the particular stru...

Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this second installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's second claim. Sexual selection is one the most reliable methods of determining men's relative power rankings. Furthermore, most sexual fantasies typically revolve around the use (and abuse) of power, which would be strange if sex were really just about the pleasu...

I've never understood the use of the term “incel” – or “involuntarily celibate” – as an insult. After all, if a man wants to have sex with a woman who doesn't, then – at least, in the context of this relationship – either the man is going to be involuntarily celibate or the woman is going to be involuntarily sexual. And while we do not need to celebrate those who obey the dicta of civil society and human dignity, I would argue that...

Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this first installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's first claim. Especially when it comes to men, I contend that almost everything really is about sex. The sublimation of the sexual impulse into prosocial ends is what makes it possible for men to do the difficult, dangerous, and uncomfortable tasks demanded of civi...

Male sexuality is often misunderstood. In this first in a series of episodes on the topic, I discuss one of the reasons why men lose interest in sex: familiarity. When people live in family-like conditions for many years, they develop a sexual indifference (or aversion) to each other in order to prevent inbreeding. This is known as the Westermarck Effect, and it can help explain why closeness kills attraction.

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When it comes to relationships, women don't actually compete with other women for men's attention. Ultimately, her only competition is his solitude: the degree to which he enjoys his own company. Some men are so self-loathing that they will endure even disrespect or abuse, if the relationship succeeds in taking them away from themselves. This is why men end up in bad relationships. On the other hand, those who value their solitude ...

In this much requested episode, I discuss some of the evidence-supported differences in male cheating and female cheating. Among other things, these behaviors tend to differ with respect to relationship satisfaction, motivation, and dimensionality. By examining what makes them different, we can consider some of the divergent ends to which men and women form – and maintain – their relationships.

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I've spoken with a number of fathers who have become estranged from their children as a consequence of the family court system and their exes' manipulative behavior. Dealing with parental alienation is a painful experience with few actionable solutions. In this episode, I share a technique that men can enact to combat this situation: the evidence box. This should help estranged fathers maintain a connection with their kids long-ter...

My recent Soft White Underbelly talk on what women want received a fair bit of criticism. How could I – a man – possibly know what it feels like to be a woman? Shouldn't we let women speak for themselves? In this episode, I respond to the argument at face value and explain how it is that I know what women want. Though it might sound callous, their feelings don't matter. The most reliable means of establishing what women – or anyone...

The problem with dating today is that people want too much. “All I want...” is a prelude to an unsatisfiable laundry list of partner criteria. This keeps people single and prevents them from appreciating their relationships. I argue that this stance is either due to willful delusion about the sexual marketplace or a kind of perfectionism that masks relationship anxiety.

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