March 3, 2025 • 36 mins
Dr. Wendy is analyzing Zelensky and Trump. She also has some tips for single people in their 30s. PLUS dudes are getting banned on dating apps and we have some tips. We're getting some Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
There goes my kombucha in my throat right when I
drink my ginger lemon kombucha. Then I go on the show.
That's not good thinking, is it, Kayla?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
It always happens though.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on ka IF
I Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app
I Am with Producer Kayla. I am with Raoul. How
are you doing, roul?
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Excellent? Excellent.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
By the way, I told these people around here that
you're the biggest celebrity, and they said somebody else was,
and I was like, no, I don't think so who who?
What people? Other people look? Just whatever you want to believe.
Whatever kool aid you're drinking, that's all good. I just
know that when I stayed at the Four Seasons in Sydney, Australia,
(00:51):
they bumped me up to a pretty fabulous suite. The
last time Julio, my husband, was there, he was running
j Lo's production company, and he said you got a
better room than j Lo and Heather. It's good to
have you back.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Thank you. It's so good to die back. And I
wanted to tell you, after all that stuff went down
last fall, you had the most comforting and kind show.
I tuned in and I listened because I was really
curious to hear how everyone sort of responded, what the
hoe said, and who didn't say anything, And your words
were so comforting in the midst of all of that.
(01:27):
And I know it was probably really awkward and difficult time,
and so just on a personal level, I just really
appreciated that.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I want to thank you that. You know, we have
to be reminded that more than half the country voted
the way it did, and they are our brothers and
sisters and cousins, and we, for some reason didn't listen
to them, and someone else gave them a few slogans
that they used to vote. And it's a hard time,
but we must respect everybody and their needs, and we
(01:55):
must ask the question, how did we fail you for
those if we feel voted the way they shouldn't have.
And speaking of which, Heather, you can even weigh in
on this. I want to start by analyzing the communication
breakdown between Zelenski and Trump. And I don't normally talk
about politics except to talk about coming together as one
(02:18):
nation and one people, but I wanted to use this
as an example for us all on how we can
learn to have better communication skills. Right, So the first thing,
if you don't know what I'm talking about, quick summary,
if you've been living under a rock. Apparently, Zelensky and
Trump had a lovely meeting that was supposed to be
capped with a press conference in the Oval Office, followed
(02:41):
by a lovely lunch followed by a press conference and
then the signing of a peace agreement and then a
lovely lunch and a Kumbaya and a hug, and off
you would go. But it all fell apart once they
got in the Oval Office and all the media was
there because now there were different needs in the room,
(03:02):
and some things were missed first of all, and they
got in a fight. And it's all over social media.
It's all over every media. It's everywhere. It's like Real
Housewives of the White House is stuff. It's reality show stuff.
So when you're communicating with anybody, I want you always
to ask yourself, what is my goal here? And I
(03:26):
think Zelensky lost sight of what his goal was. Sometimes
you have to lose a battle to win a war.
And I don't think there's anybody on the planet who
doesn't understand the psyche of our president.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
He.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
You know, many many psychologists have come on this show
and other shows and fully diagnosed him as a malignant narcissist.
So if you're going to have to have communication with
somebody like that, maybe you're dating them, maybe you're married
to them, you have to understand how a narcissistic brain works,
and it works like this. The underbelly of narcissism is
self loathing. I don't think I'm good enough, so I
(04:06):
have to create a public persona that's bigger and better.
And the one thing a narcissist cannot tolerate is shame.
You can never let them lose face because the only
way they can defend from it is to come out
fighting and put someone down. So another thing that happened
(04:27):
was that there were two different conversations happening. Zelenski was
experiencing an excedent existential crisis for his country and fighting
for his life, his troops, his country's identity, and President Trump.
I think was doing a business deal. He wanted mineral rights.
(04:50):
So first mistake when you meet anyone who is I
don't want to always diagnose people as we all have
some narcissism in right. Let's say somebody who you know
is a little fragile and they are a boaster, they're
bigger than life, and the first thing you have to
(05:11):
do is kiss the ring so they know you're safe.
That's bottom line is they don't know whether you will
be an adversary or not. And so what happened is
Zelensky got out of the car and the first thing
President Trump did was to put down his attire as
(05:32):
a way to establish dominance. So he said, oh, you
didn't even put on a suit for me, and Zelensky said,
I wear this everywhere as solidarity for my troops. In
other words, I don't care about you and what your
needs are. I care about my people. Now again, I'm
not talking about right or wrong here. This is not
(05:54):
a moral lesson. This is not a lesson. It's a
lesson on how to accomplish what you need to get accomplished.
And so I think Celensi's response should have been I'm sorry,
you're right, you deserve that, right. I know, Kayla's like that,
it's hard, It's hard, hard, but again, long goal. Think
about the long game, think about the long games, the
(06:16):
battle in the war. Who lose the battle to win
the war. So then they sit down and they start
discussing things, and the most important thing he should have done,
like every other person does, is suck up. Right. When
the president of I can't remember was it egyptber Jordan,
when uh Trump asked him to take two million refugees,
(06:41):
he somehow made it think that it was Trump's idea
by saying, you are such a genius. You're so amazing
that you came up with this idea for us to
take two thousand children who are injured and give them
hospital care. You're such a great person. So he literally
got away from taking two thousand refugees and taking only sorry,
two million refugees and taking only two thousand kids by
(07:03):
making it all think it was Trump's idea and telling
him he was amazing. You know, I heard Freied Zakaria
on Bill Maher on Friday night, and he said he
should have said, when you finally bring us peace, which
you have the power to do, let's build the biggest
Trump tower in Kiev, right, and that would have worked.
It would have worked. You have to kiss the ring
(07:25):
with somebody who's tender because they will come out fighting,
which he did. Then we learned that JD. Vance is well,
he's campaigning to be president in four years, but he's
also an attack dog, so he tries the game. And
I want everyone to hear's a lesson of this. To
extract gratitude from zelet you haven't even thanked us for
everything we've done. I just want everyone to know. You're
(07:48):
in a relationship, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, don't ever try
to extract gratitude or an apology, because even if they
give it, it never feels good because it's extracted. You
know how many times you got into a tip with
somebody and you say, well, you need to say you're sorry,
and they go, okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
You didn't mean it.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Do you feel anybot it? Right? That's what the person says,
you didn't mean it. What was extracted? I did what
you said. If you wait a day till they get
a good night's sleep, they'll come back and go, hey,
I'm really sorry. I blew up. I'm sorry. But the
whole thing that happened, and then you believe it because
it's that tone of voice.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
This is good advice for a mom of a preteen
as well. Oh yeah, I'm taking this in going okay,
all right, I hear you, I hear you, Doctor Wayne.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
I'm going to remind you of this, Heather. A child
cannot truly love their parent unless they're allowed to hate
them sometimes.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
No, Oh, that hurts my heart.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Teenagers especially, You can't say that you can't talk to
me that way, because then what they won't talk to
you about the tender things that matter either. You have
to have that door open to communication. And when they say,
and I remember standing at the top of the staircase
when I was a teenager screaming at my mother, I
hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and you know,
(09:00):
of course she was so hurt over it all. And
when my own teenage daughters did it, I said, I
know you feel like you hate me right now, and
I still love you. And the rule is still a rule.
Just have to keep it calm and acknowledge their feelings.
But you can if you start to legislate somebody's feelings,
which Vance tried to with Zelenski. If you start to
(09:21):
control and legislate somebody's feelings, it's never going to be
authentic even if they do the thing you want. Easier
said than done, But it's so useful.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
It's a good reminder for sure.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yeah, and we all need to think about long goals.
What's the long game here? How is it? What do
we want in the end? And so there's going to
be a lot of little negotiations and battles until we
get to the end. Also, I'll just comment, go and
watch the video the body language oh Zelensky with his
arms folded and closed off. And you know I anyway,
(09:54):
my heart breaks for him because I think he's fighting
for his life and his country's life and he needs
America to help him. And he didn't know how to
play that game correctly with that kind of personality. And
you know what, Look, we go to workplaces all the time,
not here iHeart, of course, where there are bosses and
managers who are narcissists, and there are preachers who are narcissists.
(10:15):
There are powerful police officers who tout their power over
you who are narciss We have to deal with this
personality type all the time. Is about four percent of
the population a little higher among males, so that brings
it up to bet seven or eight percent of males,
which is true. So we have to understand that there
are people out there that underneath are tender, but you
(10:36):
don't want to remind them they're tender because I think
that's weak, right, because they created the strong person on
the outside. You just want to kiss the ring and
make them feel great and then they will reward you.
And some of them will reward you with love and
goodness and all kinds of things. But sadly, that's how
it works. Hey, when we come back, are you single
(10:57):
in your thirties? Yes, there you are. I want to
remind you it is a whole different game than when
you are dating in your twenties, and I'm going to
lay out a roadmap for you when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Back to the Doctor Wadywall Show on KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Hey, are you
single in your thirties. I gotta tell you, I bet
your finding out. It's a whole different game than dating
in your twenties. The game gets hard you're near the
finish finish line. I mean, if you want to have
(11:44):
a family. That is so, there are some differences in
dating in your twenties compared to dating in your thirties.
But to fully answer the question, I want us to
go back to our anthropological past. Thousands of years ago,
a cooperative tribe helped a young person raise their offspring grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins,
(12:07):
et cetera. That means that reproduction happened much earlier and
back then it started and when one was a teenager.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Also, remember this, the knowledge and skills that were needed
to adult to survive were far less complicated. You had
to know how to build a fire, how to build
a hut, how to hunt avoid some poison berries.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
But today, the intellectual skills needed to survive in today's
increasingly complex social and technological world mean that both males
and females are spending an extra decade becoming educated and
launching their careers. And those interconnected tribes have given way
to nuclear families and single parent, households. Mate selection has
(12:54):
become a long game of skill building. I like to
call today's twenty some thing dating relationships, practice relationships, and
when you're in your thirties, I call those relationships high
stakes relationships. Now because of birth control, today people can
practice relationship skills and audition mates while they simultaneously hone
(13:19):
their own basic survival skills. That means educated, getting educated,
building their career, getting a good job, et cetera. But
for those people who do want to reproduce, have a family,
and that's about eighty percent of humans, the thirties become
a time of high stakes dating. Right A poor mate
(13:40):
selection can send one down a life path to poverty
and poor mental and physical health. I'm not joking about
this now. Some people say that maturity isn't chronological, and
we know that there's some people that are just not
very mature even though they're older. So, but emotional mature
might not be chronological. There are people who stagnate. But
(14:04):
physical maturity is very chronological. And I do want to
say this, and I want to say this carefully because
this doesn't apply to every woman, but for women who
want to become mothers, it becomes a ticking clock for reproduction.
It should be mentioned here that despite the media attention
on dwindling fertility in females, new research is also showing
(14:24):
paternal age is also being associated with developmental disorders like autism.
So male fertility is a real thing too. Look, the
height of female fertility is the age of twenty. It
hovers around the same rate until about the age of thirty,
where it starts to head downhill very quickly, and by
thirty five falls off a cliff. So while someone's in
(14:49):
their thirties, their dating life might look oh more fulfilling
because they're more mature, they've got more life experiences. I
gotta say, it's also become the age of anxiety for
many thirty somethings. There's this scramble to find mates before
biology closes reproductive windows. Again, not everyone's going to reproduce
or wants to reproduce. About eighty percent do Twenty percent
(15:12):
of humans and that's the way it's been in history
do not reproduce, either by choice or circumstance. The window closes,
or they get some illness, or they can't find a mate,
et cetera. But here's the other thing. People aren't talking about.
I hate to be a Debbie downer here, but I
gotta say it. Partners with a secure attachment style pull
(15:33):
each other off the mating marketplace first. In the United States,
the average first time marriage is thirty for men twenty
eight for women. That means that by thirty more than
half of the healthy mates are off the market. And
what's often left in the dating pool are people who
have an anxious or avoidant attachment style or those who
(15:55):
are just happy staying single. Right now, I do want
to say there's some really good news here because at
any stage of the lifespan, relationship skills can be acquired,
attachment style can change. I am living proof of that.
Through years and years of therapy, I learned how to
have healthy relationships. It takes time, it takes work, usually
(16:18):
in the office of a licensed therapist. Right So I
want you to know that way back when the twenties
were not considered a time of experimentation and practice relationships.
But it wasn't until the advent of birth control in
nineteen sixty two that the game totally changed. Right Prior
to that, the price of making quotation marks of my fingers,
(16:41):
the price of sex was six months of courtship and
an altar. Yeah, in the nineteen fifties, that was the
average date from meeting and getting married six months. Also,
sex was just such a high risk copy for young
people that they didn't have the luxury of dating around.
Now today we have a lot of different changes. I
(17:01):
mentioned technological changes like dating apps. They have totally expanded
the mating marketplace. And of course that is really good
news for people who are in sexual or ethnic minorities,
people who might live in small communities in rural areas
where they might have less like minded made choices. But
(17:23):
for most urban dwellers it's actually made dating harder. You know,
there's this psychological phenomenon I know I've talked about it before,
called the paradox of choice. It says the more choice
a human has, the less likely they are to make
a choice, and when they do make a choice, they
value that choice less. They're thinking about the bigger, better
deal that got away. So dating apps essentially keep people
(17:47):
single by providing too much choice. So, if I have
any advice for you, if you are in your thirties,
don't confuse your twenties with your thirties. It is a
whole new mating game. If you haven't learned healthy relationship skills,
it's time to see a therapist. If you're still using
short term mating strategies that means leaning with hot and
(18:08):
sexy and hope to find a long term relationship, that way,
you will likely lose the mating game. So stop hooking
up and start interviewing right. And while birth control has
helped people delay reproduction, there have been some technological advances
to help extend the fertility window, egg freezing, et cetera.
(18:28):
It's important to realize that we are walking around in
ancient biology and if you want to become a parent,
you got to get this done. So my advice the
biggest solution is get in the real world. Get off
those apps. Don't date more than two people at once,
then eliminate one. Talk about feelings and life goals and
exclusivity and dating, don't fall into a situationship. And also
(18:52):
if you are looking for a long term relationship, say
so and walk away from somebody who isn't exhibiting commitment
orient behavior. You deserve to be loved, to be cared for,
and as I like to say, charge the highest price
you can for sex, which is care and commitment. All right,
(19:14):
when we come back staying on the subject of dating apps,
what are the things that get you banned from a
dating app? You might be surprised you're listening to the
Dr Andny Wall Show on KFI AM six forty re
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This week, I
was asked by a website to comment on the things
that get people banned from dating apps. Now, anyone can
get banned, no matter what their gender, but sadly, a
(20:00):
number of men often get banned for ethical violations. And
although the dating apps don't really disclose the statistics on
how many men have been complaining, they're like, hey, why
did you ban me? Okay? And I should say there's
controversy about this banning off dating apps because some women
(20:26):
and queer people have reported being banned from dating apps
without clear explanations about the apparent violations. So this makes
us question fairness transparency. Right, Sometimes there are background check errors.
There are people who might have non violent offenses, or
those who are mistakenly identified because they're automated background checks,
(20:50):
so the robot thinks they're the name of somebody else
who was a violent criminal, and they're not that person, right.
So you know, mistakes like that show potential flaws in
this whole background check system. Then there are safety concerns, right.
Some dating app companies have been aware of users who
(21:15):
have been reported for serious offenses like assault, and so
some people say the dating apps aren't doing enough, that
they haven't consistently acted on this information. And so I
will tell you that there are some common things that
tend to get people banned off the dating apps. So
(21:38):
I just want you to know about them so that
you won't make the dumb, knucklehead mistake of doing some
of these things. I can't believe I have to say this,
but the most common thing that gets men banned from
dating apps are pictures of their appendage. So did you
know that before we had robots and AI scanning people's profiles.
(22:01):
And even they're all the messages that you send on
the dating apps, they're not private, private robots are reading them, right.
They used to employ humans, mostly male, And I remember
reading this blog once written by a man who said,
my job is to look at penises all day long.
He worked for one of the major dating apps, and
(22:23):
he had to make the decision whether to pull down
people's profiles or ban them from the app. So nudity
not good. Now robots are doing the work. Nudity not good. Also,
the robots scan for hate speech, harassment, romance scams, thank goodness,
and offers of prostitution. Dating apps are not the place
to be a prostitute. Apps want to keep female users, say,
(22:47):
from mental harm or financial abuse. No one should be
asking you for money on those apps, and maybe even
God forbid physical danger. So here are the things that
most often will get you banned. I mentioned it's a
big one. Harassment and inappropriate behavior that includes sending explicit
messages or images that they don't want, persistent messaging after
(23:12):
being rejected. That's stalking like behavior. Okay, so if somebody
says no, sorry, I'm not available, you know, everybody gets
a couple chances at bat. You might send one or
two other texts. But if you start sending texts every
day and it goes on for weeks or months or
emails that's considered stalking, or if you use insulting or
(23:33):
degrading language. You know, one time I was on an
app and I made a joke that was misunderstood. It
was meant to be something light and I definitely wasn't,
and this guy got so defensive and started swearing at
me and whatever, and I was just like, WHOA, all right.
Another thing that will get you banned is catfishing. Catfishing
(23:55):
means pretending to be somebody else or just general misrepresentation.
So if you use a f or heavily edited profile pictures,
that's a red flag for the algorithm. If you try
to impersonate somebody else, like a celebrity, Oh, I've met
those online and you're quite sure you're talking to this
person who's a celebrity and they're not. If you're really
lying seriously about your age, your profession, other major details,
(24:19):
and the bot can figure it out because they could
take pictures of you and put it through scans online
and see if you're really that person or not. Obviously
threatening behavior, threats of physical harm, hate speech, being aggressive
or intimidating romance scams if that bot sees you trying
to get people to send money or to try to
(24:41):
get personal information. Obviously sexual misconduct, underage users, etc. But
there are subtle things that guys do and they don't
even realize they can get them banned. I mean, you
gotta understand, gentlemen, that female psychology is very different than
male psychology. Women aren't as visually wired. We are more verbal,
(25:06):
which means we care more about what you write than
the picks you post. So on the other hand, women
have a much lower threshold for disgust. And let's face it,
there are some parts of a man's body that just
are not visually appealing. Okay, we'll leave it at that.
And also, I do need to say this. Any selfie
taken in a bathroom will be psychologically contaminated in our
(25:29):
mind by the germ count in the room. That's what
we're visualizing, double the nausea. If the toilet lid is
up behind you, you think you're being cool taking your
selfie in the bathroom mirror, showing us your abs, and
all we see is the toilet with the lid up,
and we're going to vomit seriously. So you might not
(25:50):
get banned by the app, but you'll get very few
women engaging with you if you spend most of your
time commenting on women's bodies and physics, especially if your
comment is negative, and sometimes you're just being a knucklehead, right,
you're not even thinking about how it's going to sound.
One time, a surgeon sent me a picture of him
(26:12):
doing surgery. Okay, great, you're showing me your job. No,
the blood and guts were involved. Gross. I mean, the
patient wasn't identifiable. But I don't need to see a
kidney I don't. Nope, nope, nope. Here's two rules that
I have. I've just made them up for men to
remain respectful while you're navigating those dating apps. Number one,
(26:34):
do not lead with sexy talk unless you're looking for
a hookup. One time I was on the app and
one guy's very first message to me was how do
I get between you? Or how do I get between
those white jeans and you? Ew? He was referring to
a photo of me with my daughters. It was gross.
I swept away. Actually I first told him that's inappropriate. Also,
(26:57):
don't be negative or critical. Even wed men post about
politics in a negative way, it makes them look like
a downer. Try to look like an optimist. Try to
find common interest to talk about, and always be polite
and positive. Remember, you are telescoping your future to this
woman of what her life is going to be like
with you. Show her that the skies will be blue ahead. Okay,
(27:21):
no negativity. Hey, when we come back, I am going
to be answering your social media questions. Send me a
DM on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh,
and I'll keep your identity private, but let me weigh
in on your love life when we come back. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Welcome back to a Doctor Walsh Show kas everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. So this is the time of the
show when I dive deep into my social media. Read
those dms. Some of you send me emails during the
week through my website. That's fine too, that works. I
forward them to producer Kayla. You know, I do keep
your identity a secret so you can share personal things
(28:13):
and a reminder. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor,
although I'm really happy when some of my students become therapists.
But I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation
on attachment theory, I read studies about the science of
love all day long. And I'm a veteran of therapy.
I've been in therapy for many, many decades, and I
(28:35):
love it, So I'm happy to weigh in. Okay, let's
turn to the DMS. Dear doctor, Wendy, Oh, my girlfriend
just got a job in Paris. I can't breathe. We've
been together for two years. I can't move out of
the country. How can we make this work? All right?
So you're acting like this is in your control. You say,
(28:57):
how can we make this work? When she went and
applied for a job without checking with you, this might
be a quiet breakup. I hate to tell you that,
but it might be a quiet breakup. Why wasn't this
planned and discussed before she started applying for jobs? I
think the question you need to ask her is, how
do you want to make this relationship work with me?
(29:20):
If you are so far away? Maybe the job is short,
maybe it's only for a certain period of time, maybe
your situation will change. But asking me how you can
take full responsibility of somebody else's decisions and lives doesn't
make sense. That's her job to talk to you about it.
(29:40):
And because she hasn't, sounds like she hasn't. I think
she's quiet breaking up with you because somebody who deeply
loves you and who's committed to you wouldn't do this
without a whole lot of planning, right. Sounds like it
came out of the blue. I'm sorry you're hurting. That's
a terrible thing. Okay, next DM Hi, doctor Wendy. I
(30:05):
was social media stalking and found a woman whom my
situationship is dating. So I pause there to explain what
a situationship is. Basically, it's an undefined relationship where one
is having sex with somebody and nobody is publicly saying
you're my boyfriend, you're my girlfriend, and let's not have
sex with anybody else. It's just sort of like it's
(30:26):
a painful place to be in as far as I'm concerned.
So people use the term situationship to describe the relationship
like that, and they also used to describe the person
like that's my hookup, that's my madeu, that's my situationship. Right,
So she's saying she was social media stocking. She found
another woman whom the guy she's currently having sex with
(30:49):
seems to be dating. Then she goes on, we never
discussed exclusivity, but I feel we should have a conversation
about this. You think, okay, I don't want to admit
to my stocking, but I want to say something. How
do I go about this? All right, you shouldn't admit
(31:10):
to your stalking, and you shouldn't ever stalk. Well, stocking
is it. You didn't go through his phone and find stuff.
You actually publicly stow stuff on social media. That's not
actually stalking. If he posted a picture of him and
some woman out there and you're having sex with him,
that needs to be addressed. That's not stalking. That's like
him standing in the town square with a megaphone going hey,
(31:31):
look at who I'm with, and you going, oh, I
shouldn't be looking right, I'm in a situation ship. No, no, no.
If he posted something and you saw it, or if
she posted something and you saw it, that's public that
is fair game to comment on. You don't have to
hide that. Okay, but it sounds like you're falling for
(31:51):
this guy and it's time for you. How with the
conversation about exclusivity, and the conversation should go like this, Hey,
we've been dating each other long enough. I'm starting to
really have feelings for you. Are you ready to be exclusive?
And if not, then we need to separate. And this
shouldn't be a veiled threat. You can't give somebody an
(32:13):
ultimatum unless you actually follow up on it. And if
he says no, I just like things how they are,
then it's on you. Any pain you have in the
future is on you. You brought it to yourself because
he told you. You know, so many people will say,
you know, they said that they didn't want a relationship,
but I knew they didn't really mean it. I'm like,
(32:35):
uh no, they if they tell you something about who
they are, then believe them. Believe them they're telling you.
So yeah, you got to be bold. You got to
have that conversation and if it's not the answer that
you want, then you got to move on. Otherwise you're
just hurting yourself.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I just moved to LA I
am attractive. Oh nice self esteem. I like that and
never have had an issue getting a date. Why don't
the guys approach me out here? Oh? Interesting? As a woman,
am I supposed to make the first move? No? No, no,
no no. I feel an energy, but the guy never
makes the move. It's so odd. Okay, don't know where
(33:16):
you moved from. But here's the news about LA and
New York the worst cities for single women to date
in America. And I'll tell you why. There's an oversupply
of beautiful, successful women and dudes can sit back and
wait for the women to call them. I'm not suggesting
you should do that. I'm just suggesting it's a much
(33:39):
harder mating marketplace. Now. I will tell you and all
the women out there that chasing a man is not
a good idea, but issuing an invitation is. And when
you say I feel the energy, but the guy never
makes a move, if you're feeling the energy, you better
give the end energy back. That means sometimes the energy
(34:02):
is simply that he stepped inside your personal space. You're
at a restaurant, club, business, meeting or whatever. He's just
a little closer than what be normal, and so at
that point. You've got to do the hair flip and
the smile and the eyeblink and the open body language.
You've got to issue the invitation. So if you're being
maybe you're being closed and not letting them know. On
(34:24):
the other hand, if they're not making the move, it's
because they have too many other women chasing them. Forget them.
Just don't even worry about it. In other words, in
Los Angeles, it's going to be an endurance test for you.
You're going to be swiping and swiping and swiping and
get disappointed and disappointed dis one. I was there, it happened,
I got it, I got through it, and then there
he was the man who became my husband. So it's
(34:47):
a different marketplace. You got to understand that. All right,
half time? Time for one more quickly, Dear doctor Wendy,
my husband and I haven't had sex in five months.
We aren't fighting, he just won't have sex with me.
I think he's cheating. What's the best way to address
this communication? And first of all, sometimes when men cheat,
they actually have more sex with their wives because their
whole sexuality is highly activated. So that's not more likely.
(35:11):
Something's going on with his health and a rectyle issues.
Do you know at the age of forty, forty percent
have a rectile dysfunction at fifty, as fifty percent of
mails at sixty is sixty percent, et cetera. So you
need to gently have a conversation about why, and you
need to do it in a non confrontational way, more like, baby,
I think you're hot. What was not happening lately? Oh no, no,
(35:31):
I'm just not into it. Well, maybe what's going on?
Because we need to solve this for our relationship. Worse
comes to worse, go to therapy, see a sex therapist.
When we come back. I'm going to continue to answer
your social media questions. If you want to send them
to me, just send me a DM at Dr Wendy
Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. You're listening to
(35:54):
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty
Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
KFI A M six forty from seven to nine p
m on Sunday and any time on demand on the
iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
There goes my kombucha in my throat right when I
drink my ginger lemon kombucha. Then I go on the show.
That's not good thinking, is it, Kayla?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
It always happens though.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on ka IF
I Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app
I Am with Producer Kayla. I am with Raoul. How
are you doing, roul?
Speaker 3 (00:28):
Excellent? Excellent.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
By the way, I told these people around here that
you're the biggest celebrity, and they said somebody else was,
and I was like, no, I don't think so who who?
What people? Other people look? Just whatever you want to believe.
Whatever kool aid you're drinking, that's all good. I just
know that when I stayed at the Four Seasons in Sydney, Australia,
(00:51):
they bumped me up to a pretty fabulous suite. The
last time Julio, my husband, was there, he was running
j Lo's production company, and he said you got a
better room than j Lo and Heather. It's good to
have you back.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Thank you. It's so good to die back. And I
wanted to tell you, after all that stuff went down
last fall, you had the most comforting and kind show.
I tuned in and I listened because I was really
curious to hear how everyone sort of responded, what the
hoe said, and who didn't say anything, And your words
were so comforting in the midst of all of that.
(01:27):
And I know it was probably really awkward and difficult time,
and so just on a personal level, I just really
appreciated that.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I want to thank you that. You know, we have
to be reminded that more than half the country voted
the way it did, and they are our brothers and
sisters and cousins, and we, for some reason didn't listen
to them, and someone else gave them a few slogans
that they used to vote. And it's a hard time,
but we must respect everybody and their needs, and we
(01:55):
must ask the question, how did we fail you for
those if we feel voted the way they shouldn't have.
And speaking of which, Heather, you can even weigh in
on this. I want to start by analyzing the communication
breakdown between Zelenski and Trump. And I don't normally talk
about politics except to talk about coming together as one
(02:18):
nation and one people, but I wanted to use this
as an example for us all on how we can
learn to have better communication skills. Right, So the first thing,
if you don't know what I'm talking about, quick summary,
if you've been living under a rock. Apparently, Zelensky and
Trump had a lovely meeting that was supposed to be
capped with a press conference in the Oval Office, followed
(02:41):
by a lovely lunch followed by a press conference and
then the signing of a peace agreement and then a
lovely lunch and a Kumbaya and a hug, and off
you would go. But it all fell apart once they
got in the Oval Office and all the media was
there because now there were different needs in the room,
(03:02):
and some things were missed first of all, and they
got in a fight. And it's all over social media.
It's all over every media. It's everywhere. It's like Real
Housewives of the White House is stuff. It's reality show stuff.
So when you're communicating with anybody, I want you always
to ask yourself, what is my goal here? And I
(03:26):
think Zelensky lost sight of what his goal was. Sometimes
you have to lose a battle to win a war.
And I don't think there's anybody on the planet who
doesn't understand the psyche of our president.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
He.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
You know, many many psychologists have come on this show
and other shows and fully diagnosed him as a malignant narcissist.
So if you're going to have to have communication with
somebody like that, maybe you're dating them, maybe you're married
to them, you have to understand how a narcissistic brain works,
and it works like this. The underbelly of narcissism is
self loathing. I don't think I'm good enough, so I
(04:06):
have to create a public persona that's bigger and better.
And the one thing a narcissist cannot tolerate is shame.
You can never let them lose face because the only
way they can defend from it is to come out
fighting and put someone down. So another thing that happened
(04:27):
was that there were two different conversations happening. Zelenski was
experiencing an excedent existential crisis for his country and fighting
for his life, his troops, his country's identity, and President Trump.
I think was doing a business deal. He wanted mineral rights.
(04:50):
So first mistake when you meet anyone who is I
don't want to always diagnose people as we all have
some narcissism in right. Let's say somebody who you know
is a little fragile and they are a boaster, they're
bigger than life, and the first thing you have to
(05:11):
do is kiss the ring so they know you're safe.
That's bottom line is they don't know whether you will
be an adversary or not. And so what happened is
Zelensky got out of the car and the first thing
President Trump did was to put down his attire as
(05:32):
a way to establish dominance. So he said, oh, you
didn't even put on a suit for me, and Zelensky said,
I wear this everywhere as solidarity for my troops. In
other words, I don't care about you and what your
needs are. I care about my people. Now again, I'm
not talking about right or wrong here. This is not
(05:54):
a moral lesson. This is not a lesson. It's a
lesson on how to accomplish what you need to get accomplished.
And so I think Celensi's response should have been I'm sorry,
you're right, you deserve that, right. I know, Kayla's like that,
it's hard, It's hard, hard, but again, long goal. Think
about the long game, think about the long games, the
(06:16):
battle in the war. Who lose the battle to win
the war. So then they sit down and they start
discussing things, and the most important thing he should have done,
like every other person does, is suck up. Right. When
the president of I can't remember was it egyptber Jordan,
when uh Trump asked him to take two million refugees,
(06:41):
he somehow made it think that it was Trump's idea
by saying, you are such a genius. You're so amazing
that you came up with this idea for us to
take two thousand children who are injured and give them
hospital care. You're such a great person. So he literally
got away from taking two thousand refugees and taking only sorry,
two million refugees and taking only two thousand kids by
(07:03):
making it all think it was Trump's idea and telling
him he was amazing. You know, I heard Freied Zakaria
on Bill Maher on Friday night, and he said he
should have said, when you finally bring us peace, which
you have the power to do, let's build the biggest
Trump tower in Kiev, right, and that would have worked.
It would have worked. You have to kiss the ring
(07:25):
with somebody who's tender because they will come out fighting,
which he did. Then we learned that JD. Vance is well,
he's campaigning to be president in four years, but he's
also an attack dog, so he tries the game. And
I want everyone to hear's a lesson of this. To
extract gratitude from zelet you haven't even thanked us for
everything we've done. I just want everyone to know. You're
(07:48):
in a relationship, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, don't ever try
to extract gratitude or an apology, because even if they
give it, it never feels good because it's extracted. You
know how many times you got into a tip with
somebody and you say, well, you need to say you're sorry,
and they go, okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
You didn't mean it.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Do you feel anybot it? Right? That's what the person says,
you didn't mean it. What was extracted? I did what
you said. If you wait a day till they get
a good night's sleep, they'll come back and go, hey,
I'm really sorry. I blew up. I'm sorry. But the
whole thing that happened, and then you believe it because
it's that tone of voice.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
This is good advice for a mom of a preteen
as well. Oh yeah, I'm taking this in going okay,
all right, I hear you, I hear you, Doctor Wayne.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
I'm going to remind you of this, Heather. A child
cannot truly love their parent unless they're allowed to hate
them sometimes.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
No, Oh, that hurts my heart.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Teenagers especially, You can't say that you can't talk to
me that way, because then what they won't talk to
you about the tender things that matter either. You have
to have that door open to communication. And when they say,
and I remember standing at the top of the staircase
when I was a teenager screaming at my mother, I
hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and you know,
(09:00):
of course she was so hurt over it all. And
when my own teenage daughters did it, I said, I
know you feel like you hate me right now, and
I still love you. And the rule is still a rule.
Just have to keep it calm and acknowledge their feelings.
But you can if you start to legislate somebody's feelings,
which Vance tried to with Zelenski. If you start to
(09:21):
control and legislate somebody's feelings, it's never going to be
authentic even if they do the thing you want. Easier
said than done, But it's so useful.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
It's a good reminder for sure.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yeah, and we all need to think about long goals.
What's the long game here? How is it? What do
we want in the end? And so there's going to
be a lot of little negotiations and battles until we
get to the end. Also, I'll just comment, go and
watch the video the body language oh Zelensky with his
arms folded and closed off. And you know I anyway,
(09:54):
my heart breaks for him because I think he's fighting
for his life and his country's life and he needs
America to help him. And he didn't know how to
play that game correctly with that kind of personality. And
you know what, Look, we go to workplaces all the time,
not here iHeart, of course, where there are bosses and
managers who are narcissists, and there are preachers who are narcissists.
(10:15):
There are powerful police officers who tout their power over
you who are narciss We have to deal with this
personality type all the time. Is about four percent of
the population a little higher among males, so that brings
it up to bet seven or eight percent of males,
which is true. So we have to understand that there
are people out there that underneath are tender, but you
(10:36):
don't want to remind them they're tender because I think
that's weak, right, because they created the strong person on
the outside. You just want to kiss the ring and
make them feel great and then they will reward you.
And some of them will reward you with love and
goodness and all kinds of things. But sadly, that's how
it works. Hey, when we come back, are you single
(10:57):
in your thirties? Yes, there you are. I want to
remind you it is a whole different game than when
you are dating in your twenties, and I'm going to
lay out a roadmap for you when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Back to the Doctor Wadywall Show on KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Hey, are you
single in your thirties. I gotta tell you, I bet
your finding out. It's a whole different game than dating
in your twenties. The game gets hard you're near the
finish finish line. I mean, if you want to have
(11:44):
a family. That is so, there are some differences in
dating in your twenties compared to dating in your thirties.
But to fully answer the question, I want us to
go back to our anthropological past. Thousands of years ago,
a cooperative tribe helped a young person raise their offspring grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins,
(12:07):
et cetera. That means that reproduction happened much earlier and
back then it started and when one was a teenager.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Also, remember this, the knowledge and skills that were needed
to adult to survive were far less complicated. You had
to know how to build a fire, how to build
a hut, how to hunt avoid some poison berries.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
But today, the intellectual skills needed to survive in today's
increasingly complex social and technological world mean that both males
and females are spending an extra decade becoming educated and
launching their careers. And those interconnected tribes have given way
to nuclear families and single parent, households. Mate selection has
(12:54):
become a long game of skill building. I like to
call today's twenty some thing dating relationships, practice relationships, and
when you're in your thirties, I call those relationships high
stakes relationships. Now because of birth control, today people can
practice relationship skills and audition mates while they simultaneously hone
(13:19):
their own basic survival skills. That means educated, getting educated,
building their career, getting a good job, et cetera. But
for those people who do want to reproduce, have a family,
and that's about eighty percent of humans, the thirties become
a time of high stakes dating. Right A poor mate
(13:40):
selection can send one down a life path to poverty
and poor mental and physical health. I'm not joking about
this now. Some people say that maturity isn't chronological, and
we know that there's some people that are just not
very mature even though they're older. So, but emotional mature
might not be chronological. There are people who stagnate. But
(14:04):
physical maturity is very chronological. And I do want to
say this, and I want to say this carefully because
this doesn't apply to every woman, but for women who
want to become mothers, it becomes a ticking clock for reproduction.
It should be mentioned here that despite the media attention
on dwindling fertility in females, new research is also showing
(14:24):
paternal age is also being associated with developmental disorders like autism.
So male fertility is a real thing too. Look, the
height of female fertility is the age of twenty. It
hovers around the same rate until about the age of thirty,
where it starts to head downhill very quickly, and by
thirty five falls off a cliff. So while someone's in
(14:49):
their thirties, their dating life might look oh more fulfilling
because they're more mature, they've got more life experiences. I
gotta say, it's also become the age of anxiety for
many thirty somethings. There's this scramble to find mates before
biology closes reproductive windows. Again, not everyone's going to reproduce
or wants to reproduce. About eighty percent do Twenty percent
(15:12):
of humans and that's the way it's been in history
do not reproduce, either by choice or circumstance. The window closes,
or they get some illness, or they can't find a mate,
et cetera. But here's the other thing. People aren't talking about.
I hate to be a Debbie downer here, but I
gotta say it. Partners with a secure attachment style pull
(15:33):
each other off the mating marketplace first. In the United States,
the average first time marriage is thirty for men twenty
eight for women. That means that by thirty more than
half of the healthy mates are off the market. And
what's often left in the dating pool are people who
have an anxious or avoidant attachment style or those who
(15:55):
are just happy staying single. Right now, I do want
to say there's some really good news here because at
any stage of the lifespan, relationship skills can be acquired,
attachment style can change. I am living proof of that.
Through years and years of therapy, I learned how to
have healthy relationships. It takes time, it takes work, usually
(16:18):
in the office of a licensed therapist. Right So I
want you to know that way back when the twenties
were not considered a time of experimentation and practice relationships.
But it wasn't until the advent of birth control in
nineteen sixty two that the game totally changed. Right Prior
to that, the price of making quotation marks of my fingers,
(16:41):
the price of sex was six months of courtship and
an altar. Yeah, in the nineteen fifties, that was the
average date from meeting and getting married six months. Also,
sex was just such a high risk copy for young
people that they didn't have the luxury of dating around.
Now today we have a lot of different changes. I
(17:01):
mentioned technological changes like dating apps. They have totally expanded
the mating marketplace. And of course that is really good
news for people who are in sexual or ethnic minorities,
people who might live in small communities in rural areas
where they might have less like minded made choices. But
(17:23):
for most urban dwellers it's actually made dating harder. You know,
there's this psychological phenomenon I know I've talked about it before,
called the paradox of choice. It says the more choice
a human has, the less likely they are to make
a choice, and when they do make a choice, they
value that choice less. They're thinking about the bigger, better
deal that got away. So dating apps essentially keep people
(17:47):
single by providing too much choice. So, if I have
any advice for you, if you are in your thirties,
don't confuse your twenties with your thirties. It is a
whole new mating game. If you haven't learned healthy relationship skills,
it's time to see a therapist. If you're still using
short term mating strategies that means leaning with hot and
(18:08):
sexy and hope to find a long term relationship, that way,
you will likely lose the mating game. So stop hooking
up and start interviewing right. And while birth control has
helped people delay reproduction, there have been some technological advances
to help extend the fertility window, egg freezing, et cetera.
(18:28):
It's important to realize that we are walking around in
ancient biology and if you want to become a parent,
you got to get this done. So my advice the
biggest solution is get in the real world. Get off
those apps. Don't date more than two people at once,
then eliminate one. Talk about feelings and life goals and
exclusivity and dating, don't fall into a situationship. And also
(18:52):
if you are looking for a long term relationship, say
so and walk away from somebody who isn't exhibiting commitment
orient behavior. You deserve to be loved, to be cared for,
and as I like to say, charge the highest price
you can for sex, which is care and commitment. All right,
(19:14):
when we come back staying on the subject of dating apps,
what are the things that get you banned from a
dating app? You might be surprised you're listening to the
Dr Andny Wall Show on KFI AM six forty re
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This week, I
was asked by a website to comment on the things
that get people banned from dating apps. Now, anyone can
get banned, no matter what their gender, but sadly, a
(20:00):
number of men often get banned for ethical violations. And
although the dating apps don't really disclose the statistics on
how many men have been complaining, they're like, hey, why
did you ban me? Okay? And I should say there's
controversy about this banning off dating apps because some women
(20:26):
and queer people have reported being banned from dating apps
without clear explanations about the apparent violations. So this makes
us question fairness transparency. Right, Sometimes there are background check errors.
There are people who might have non violent offenses, or
those who are mistakenly identified because they're automated background checks,
(20:50):
so the robot thinks they're the name of somebody else
who was a violent criminal, and they're not that person, right.
So you know, mistakes like that show potential flaws in
this whole background check system. Then there are safety concerns, right.
Some dating app companies have been aware of users who
(21:15):
have been reported for serious offenses like assault, and so
some people say the dating apps aren't doing enough, that
they haven't consistently acted on this information. And so I
will tell you that there are some common things that
tend to get people banned off the dating apps. So
(21:38):
I just want you to know about them so that
you won't make the dumb, knucklehead mistake of doing some
of these things. I can't believe I have to say this,
but the most common thing that gets men banned from
dating apps are pictures of their appendage. So did you
know that before we had robots and AI scanning people's profiles.
(22:01):
And even they're all the messages that you send on
the dating apps, they're not private, private robots are reading them, right.
They used to employ humans, mostly male, And I remember
reading this blog once written by a man who said,
my job is to look at penises all day long.
He worked for one of the major dating apps, and
(22:23):
he had to make the decision whether to pull down
people's profiles or ban them from the app. So nudity
not good. Now robots are doing the work. Nudity not good. Also,
the robots scan for hate speech, harassment, romance scams, thank goodness,
and offers of prostitution. Dating apps are not the place
to be a prostitute. Apps want to keep female users, say,
(22:47):
from mental harm or financial abuse. No one should be
asking you for money on those apps, and maybe even
God forbid physical danger. So here are the things that
most often will get you banned. I mentioned it's a
big one. Harassment and inappropriate behavior that includes sending explicit
messages or images that they don't want, persistent messaging after
(23:12):
being rejected. That's stalking like behavior. Okay, so if somebody
says no, sorry, I'm not available, you know, everybody gets
a couple chances at bat. You might send one or
two other texts. But if you start sending texts every
day and it goes on for weeks or months or
emails that's considered stalking, or if you use insulting or
(23:33):
degrading language. You know, one time I was on an
app and I made a joke that was misunderstood. It
was meant to be something light and I definitely wasn't,
and this guy got so defensive and started swearing at
me and whatever, and I was just like, WHOA, all right.
Another thing that will get you banned is catfishing. Catfishing
(23:55):
means pretending to be somebody else or just general misrepresentation.
So if you use a f or heavily edited profile pictures,
that's a red flag for the algorithm. If you try
to impersonate somebody else, like a celebrity, Oh, I've met
those online and you're quite sure you're talking to this
person who's a celebrity and they're not. If you're really
lying seriously about your age, your profession, other major details,
(24:19):
and the bot can figure it out because they could
take pictures of you and put it through scans online
and see if you're really that person or not. Obviously
threatening behavior, threats of physical harm, hate speech, being aggressive
or intimidating romance scams if that bot sees you trying
to get people to send money or to try to
(24:41):
get personal information. Obviously sexual misconduct, underage users, etc. But
there are subtle things that guys do and they don't
even realize they can get them banned. I mean, you
gotta understand, gentlemen, that female psychology is very different than
male psychology. Women aren't as visually wired. We are more verbal,
(25:06):
which means we care more about what you write than
the picks you post. So on the other hand, women
have a much lower threshold for disgust. And let's face it,
there are some parts of a man's body that just
are not visually appealing. Okay, we'll leave it at that.
And also, I do need to say this. Any selfie
taken in a bathroom will be psychologically contaminated in our
(25:29):
mind by the germ count in the room. That's what
we're visualizing, double the nausea. If the toilet lid is
up behind you, you think you're being cool taking your
selfie in the bathroom mirror, showing us your abs, and
all we see is the toilet with the lid up,
and we're going to vomit seriously. So you might not
(25:50):
get banned by the app, but you'll get very few
women engaging with you if you spend most of your
time commenting on women's bodies and physics, especially if your
comment is negative, and sometimes you're just being a knucklehead, right,
you're not even thinking about how it's going to sound.
One time, a surgeon sent me a picture of him
(26:12):
doing surgery. Okay, great, you're showing me your job. No,
the blood and guts were involved. Gross. I mean, the
patient wasn't identifiable. But I don't need to see a
kidney I don't. Nope, nope, nope. Here's two rules that
I have. I've just made them up for men to
remain respectful while you're navigating those dating apps. Number one,
(26:34):
do not lead with sexy talk unless you're looking for
a hookup. One time I was on the app and
one guy's very first message to me was how do
I get between you? Or how do I get between
those white jeans and you? Ew? He was referring to
a photo of me with my daughters. It was gross.
I swept away. Actually I first told him that's inappropriate. Also,
(26:57):
don't be negative or critical. Even wed men post about
politics in a negative way, it makes them look like
a downer. Try to look like an optimist. Try to
find common interest to talk about, and always be polite
and positive. Remember, you are telescoping your future to this
woman of what her life is going to be like
with you. Show her that the skies will be blue ahead. Okay,
(27:21):
no negativity. Hey, when we come back, I am going
to be answering your social media questions. Send me a
DM on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh,
and I'll keep your identity private, but let me weigh
in on your love life when we come back. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Welcome back to a Doctor Walsh Show kas everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. So this is the time of the
show when I dive deep into my social media. Read
those dms. Some of you send me emails during the
week through my website. That's fine too, that works. I
forward them to producer Kayla. You know, I do keep
your identity a secret so you can share personal things
(28:13):
and a reminder. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor,
although I'm really happy when some of my students become therapists.
But I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation
on attachment theory, I read studies about the science of
love all day long. And I'm a veteran of therapy.
I've been in therapy for many, many decades, and I
(28:35):
love it, So I'm happy to weigh in. Okay, let's
turn to the DMS. Dear doctor, Wendy, Oh, my girlfriend
just got a job in Paris. I can't breathe. We've
been together for two years. I can't move out of
the country. How can we make this work? All right?
So you're acting like this is in your control. You say,
(28:57):
how can we make this work? When she went and
applied for a job without checking with you, this might
be a quiet breakup. I hate to tell you that,
but it might be a quiet breakup. Why wasn't this
planned and discussed before she started applying for jobs? I
think the question you need to ask her is, how
do you want to make this relationship work with me?
(29:20):
If you are so far away? Maybe the job is short,
maybe it's only for a certain period of time, maybe
your situation will change. But asking me how you can
take full responsibility of somebody else's decisions and lives doesn't
make sense. That's her job to talk to you about it.
(29:40):
And because she hasn't, sounds like she hasn't. I think
she's quiet breaking up with you because somebody who deeply
loves you and who's committed to you wouldn't do this
without a whole lot of planning, right. Sounds like it
came out of the blue. I'm sorry you're hurting. That's
a terrible thing. Okay, next DM Hi, doctor Wendy. I
(30:05):
was social media stalking and found a woman whom my
situationship is dating. So I pause there to explain what
a situationship is. Basically, it's an undefined relationship where one
is having sex with somebody and nobody is publicly saying
you're my boyfriend, you're my girlfriend, and let's not have
sex with anybody else. It's just sort of like it's
(30:26):
a painful place to be in as far as I'm concerned.
So people use the term situationship to describe the relationship
like that, and they also used to describe the person
like that's my hookup, that's my madeu, that's my situationship. Right,
So she's saying she was social media stocking. She found
another woman whom the guy she's currently having sex with
(30:49):
seems to be dating. Then she goes on, we never
discussed exclusivity, but I feel we should have a conversation
about this. You think, okay, I don't want to admit
to my stocking, but I want to say something. How
do I go about this? All right, you shouldn't admit
(31:10):
to your stalking, and you shouldn't ever stalk. Well, stocking
is it. You didn't go through his phone and find stuff.
You actually publicly stow stuff on social media. That's not
actually stalking. If he posted a picture of him and
some woman out there and you're having sex with him,
that needs to be addressed. That's not stalking. That's like
him standing in the town square with a megaphone going hey,
(31:31):
look at who I'm with, and you going, oh, I
shouldn't be looking right, I'm in a situation ship. No, no, no.
If he posted something and you saw it, or if
she posted something and you saw it, that's public that
is fair game to comment on. You don't have to
hide that. Okay, but it sounds like you're falling for
(31:51):
this guy and it's time for you. How with the
conversation about exclusivity, and the conversation should go like this, Hey,
we've been dating each other long enough. I'm starting to
really have feelings for you. Are you ready to be exclusive?
And if not, then we need to separate. And this
shouldn't be a veiled threat. You can't give somebody an
(32:13):
ultimatum unless you actually follow up on it. And if
he says no, I just like things how they are,
then it's on you. Any pain you have in the
future is on you. You brought it to yourself because
he told you. You know, so many people will say,
you know, they said that they didn't want a relationship,
but I knew they didn't really mean it. I'm like,
(32:35):
uh no, they if they tell you something about who
they are, then believe them. Believe them they're telling you.
So yeah, you got to be bold. You got to
have that conversation and if it's not the answer that
you want, then you got to move on. Otherwise you're
just hurting yourself.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I just moved to LA I
am attractive. Oh nice self esteem. I like that and
never have had an issue getting a date. Why don't
the guys approach me out here? Oh? Interesting? As a woman,
am I supposed to make the first move? No? No, no,
no no. I feel an energy, but the guy never
makes the move. It's so odd. Okay, don't know where
(33:16):
you moved from. But here's the news about LA and
New York the worst cities for single women to date
in America. And I'll tell you why. There's an oversupply
of beautiful, successful women and dudes can sit back and
wait for the women to call them. I'm not suggesting
you should do that. I'm just suggesting it's a much
(33:39):
harder mating marketplace. Now. I will tell you and all
the women out there that chasing a man is not
a good idea, but issuing an invitation is. And when
you say I feel the energy, but the guy never
makes a move, if you're feeling the energy, you better
give the end energy back. That means sometimes the energy
(34:02):
is simply that he stepped inside your personal space. You're
at a restaurant, club, business, meeting or whatever. He's just
a little closer than what be normal, and so at
that point. You've got to do the hair flip and
the smile and the eyeblink and the open body language.
You've got to issue the invitation. So if you're being
maybe you're being closed and not letting them know. On
(34:24):
the other hand, if they're not making the move, it's
because they have too many other women chasing them. Forget them.
Just don't even worry about it. In other words, in
Los Angeles, it's going to be an endurance test for you.
You're going to be swiping and swiping and swiping and
get disappointed and disappointed dis one. I was there, it happened,
I got it, I got through it, and then there
he was the man who became my husband. So it's
(34:47):
a different marketplace. You got to understand that. All right,
half time? Time for one more quickly, Dear doctor Wendy,
my husband and I haven't had sex in five months.
We aren't fighting, he just won't have sex with me.
I think he's cheating. What's the best way to address
this communication? And first of all, sometimes when men cheat,
they actually have more sex with their wives because their
whole sexuality is highly activated. So that's not more likely.
(35:11):
Something's going on with his health and a rectyle issues.
Do you know at the age of forty, forty percent
have a rectile dysfunction at fifty, as fifty percent of
mails at sixty is sixty percent, et cetera. So you
need to gently have a conversation about why, and you
need to do it in a non confrontational way, more like, baby,
I think you're hot. What was not happening lately? Oh no, no,
(35:31):
I'm just not into it. Well, maybe what's going on?
Because we need to solve this for our relationship. Worse
comes to worse, go to therapy, see a sex therapist.
When we come back. I'm going to continue to answer
your social media questions. If you want to send them
to me, just send me a DM at Dr Wendy
Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. You're listening to
(35:54):
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty
Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
KFI A M six forty from seven to nine p
m on Sunday and any time on demand on the
iHeartRadio app.
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