Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. Can age gaps work? Can you be friends with an ex? What is emotional cheating. We break it all down on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I am taking your calls and
answering your social media questions. The numbers one eight hundred
and five to zero, one, five, three four Producer Kayla,
Who do we have now? Or should we go to socialist?
(00:21):
Someone just DMed me too. We have Jeremy. Jeremy, Hi Jeremy,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hello, how are you good?
Speaker 1 (00:28):
What's your question? So?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
I'm an experience in the bedroom and I was wondering.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
I don't even know.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
If this is necessarily their job, but I just I
would I would just wonder if it was. Should I
see a sex therapist?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
That's an excellent question, you know, licensed sex therapist. One
of the things that they work on with clients are
sometimes body image issues. Sometimes I mean they're not actually,
don't get me wrong, they're not surrogates, right. Sex Surrogates
are people who you know, will have sex with somebody
(01:05):
as a way to teach them. But a sex therapist
can work on things like performance anxiety, body image issues.
They can work on education, sexual education. I think if
you have any fears at all, that that's an excellent
idea to see a licensed sex therapist trained by the
American Association of Sex Therapists and Educators. I think a
(01:27):
sex is the organization. Thanks for calling, Jeremy. All right,
who do we have? Now? We have Barbara, Barbara, Hi, Barbara,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Oh, doctor Wendy. Thank you so much for taking my call.
I've spoken to last year, and I've been miss someone
now for about two and a half years.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Altogether nice.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
And then we broke up right after well hold on,
we broke up right after Valentine's Day and the week
after Valentine's and you told me all of that I
was a caller, that he was seven years younger than me,
and all of that, and we broke up. And I
think it's just because he thinks he's, you know, he's
wasting my time because he's really not ready to he's
(02:07):
not in the same life stand as me and I.
And you tell me about your parents being twenty years
difference and how they they loved each other until they
both cast So anyway, I just listened to that gentleman
that called that was a widower for fourteen years. Then
it gave me hope to call you. And I can't
believe I'm talking to you again, but I just I
think that's the kind of man I want to meet.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Oh oh, hey, Henry, Henry from Denver. If you're still listening,
Barbara wants to meet you, you're going to have to.
Both of you should send me a DM on Instagram
so that you could you can find each other and
I could connect you. But you know what, Barbara, one
of the things I want to make clear is when
somebody says that they want to end a relationship, it's
(02:52):
important that we listen to them. You know, it's and
I'm not saying that this is you, but sometimes people
will be like, you know, he just thinks that we're
into stages alf But really I'll just convince him that
and you know, we really need to listen. And also
when people do break up, sometimes they use one thing
as a reason, but really it's something else, and don't
overanalyze it. Just trust them and know that that two
(03:15):
and a half years was meant to be for you.
And there's no such thing as a failed relationship, only
a relationship that culminated where you learned something from somebody. So, Barbara,
I wish you well. I think you're going to find
a great love out there because listen to your exciting energy.
Thanks so much for calling. All Right, I received this
email from a gentleman who said, I have seen you
(03:37):
on various TV shows, always liked your insight. Thank you
very much. I'm fifty eight. My new girlfriend is fifty four.
We started dating six weeks ago, but they've known each
other for a few years. Everything was perfect, except we're
having trouble with sex. It was painful for her worse.
He's saying it's because of his size. I'm sure she
(03:57):
made you think that. I mean, it could be okay,
it could be all right, just saying I think the
issue is her age. He's saying he's concerned that we're
not sexually compatible. I think he said she has an
appointment to see her guy.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
No good.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
She probably has seen her already and learned that they're
all kinds of things that you could use. So again,
I'm not a medical doctor, and I shouldn't be giving
medical advice, so I won't, but I'll tell you from
my personal experience that there are lots of medical interventions
that can be used for painful sex due to menopause.
So I would say that if you've known her three
years and you're into her, you guys can make it work. Also,
(04:35):
I have some other friends who had some problems at
a certain day, some health problems, and they don't have intercourse,
they have outer course and it all works for them.
Just saying all right, Dear doctor Wendy, this is a
DM from Instagram. Actually I want to get this one
because this just came in while I was on my life.
Dear doctor Wendy, I have a question. I've done a
lot of online dating. As soon as I disclose that
(04:56):
I am from Japan, there are mobs of Asian men
mess me. I'm finding out that ninety eight percent of
them are scammers from other countries. I am just sick
of weeding off these guys. You should be How can
I be authentic and find a good man for me?
Should I not disclose until I meet it? Well, your
pictures are going to be up there, of course, I'm
not gonna miss your name. Okay, So listen. I think
(05:18):
it's okay to be authentic. I'm sorry this is happening.
I wish there was a way because I've never heard
of mobs of scammers. I mean, I saw the odd
little robots and the odd fake ones when I was
on the apps, But mobs of and ninety eight percent
are scammers. That's a problem. You know, you could try,
but then how what? You got to put up pictures
(05:39):
so people are gonna know, right. I think that getting
on these dating apps nowadays is an endurance test. You
got to swipe and swipe and swipe. You gotta weed out.
Weat out, we eat out, weed out, and that is
what it is. And when you get exhausted, you take
a break from the apps for a few months, and
then you go back to it. And I'm sorry this
is happening to you. Okay. Another DM that was sent
(06:00):
to me on IG Dear Doctor Wendy. My husband is
all of a sudden demanding him time and he's taking
solo vacations. He says it's because he lost himself in
this relationship. Am I taking this to oh? He says,
I'm taking it too personal? Should I be listen? First
of all, a husband in a marriage doesn't go off
(06:24):
taking vacations alone. Okay, you know what I'm gonna say.
This is an issue now. If he says he's lost
himself in the relationship, go find a hobby then, okay,
go play basketball with the guys, go golf whatever. Don't
go take vacations to beaches. Okay, this means your mate shopping.
This is the beginning of the end of the relationship.
Unless I would insist you get into couple's therapy right away.
(06:47):
Yes you should take it personally, and yes you should
be upset. I'm just saying, all right, dear doctor Wendy.
Oh here's an interesting one. I was looking at this
on the break. I'one sent me this DM, and I
wasn't quite sure what I was going to say. But
now I know what I'm gonna say. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy,
my wife cheated on me with a woman, and now
(07:10):
she wants to bring her into this relationship. I always
knew she was bisexual, but I didn't know it was
something she felt was missing. Should I accept this for
her comfort? This is opening up a big can of
worms because the fact that you said for her comfort,
not your comfort, means that maybe you're not comfortable with it.
(07:33):
And also if you knew she was bisexual, but she
was comfortable in a heterosexual relationship with you, so she
didn't really disclose all her feelings before she betrayed the
relationship with an affair. Okay, she had an affair. You
guys had an agreement that you would be sexually monogamous
(07:55):
with each other. And rather than her having intimacy with
you and opening up and saying, hey, I'm having these
thoughts and feelings, what should we do about it? How
can we solve it? And a problem it being a
problem for the couple to solve together, she went out
and tried to solve her own problems by betraying your relationship.
And then she came back and said, well, you know,
(08:17):
let's just try it. She can join us. Don't you
think no, because already this woman's in your relationship and
you don't like it. I would say to your wife,
you and I need to go to couple's therapy right
away and let's work this out together. This is something
that the two of us need to make a decision together.
But it sounds like it's something you don't want, so
(08:40):
pay attention to your own feelings as well. Okay, we
have time for another quick one, don't we early?
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
I know, Doctor Wendy, you say that men don't fall
in love through sex, But how can I get my
situationship to turn into a relationship? You can't, but you
can try, and you got to do it strong by
just saying what is this? What? What are we? Are
you my boyfriend? And if they say no, you have
to be the one to leave. You have to be
strong enough to leave. So if you are fearless, you
(09:09):
want to be loud looking, you get out there and
you just tell your situationship all right? When we come back,
can age gap relationships actually work? Let's explore. Plenty of
Hollywood relationships are working that way. Let's explore it when
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
To the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I've always
had a theory that age gap relationships are doomed. I
would say the biggest age gap relationship I ever had
in my life was sixteen years. He was sixteen years older,
but he was very young in mind and I was,
(09:57):
you know, my twenties and late twenty he was the
early forties, and he felt very old to me. I
just mean I prefer peers, you know. And at flip side,
when I was single, once my kids were old enough
to be kind of on their own without babysitters, and
I was on those apps and dating guys a little
bit younger. My rule was they couldn't be more than
(10:20):
ten or twelve years younger than me. And I didn't
like it. I didn't I felt like a teacher to them,
and so I didn't really like it. I really like
a peer. I like him to be able to look
up to a man. My husband, Julio's I think two
years older than me or three years older than me maybe,
which is about perfect. We have the same references, same memories.
(10:41):
But there are some people who, for whatever reason, their
age gap relationships have endured. Certainly, Hollywood is more permissive,
so you're going to see it more often. Some examples
you probably are aware of Harrison Ford and Calissa Flockhart.
They've been together for twenty two years and they have
(11:01):
a twenty year age difference. The same sex relationship Sam
Taylor john Oh, I'm sorry not no, who were there
thinking of the same sex real? Oh? Sarah Paulson and
Holland Taylor they have a thirty two year age difference
and they've been together for ten years. Then there's Sam
Taylor Johnson and Aaron Taylor Johnson did age difference of
(11:23):
twenty three years. She's a British filmmaker. She directed Fifty
Shades of Gray. She directed Aaron Taylor Johnson in the
John Lemon biopic Nowhere Boy. Well, she found somewhere for
that boy to go. Apparently they've been they have two kids.
They've been together for twelve years. Michael Douglas Catherine Zeta
Jones still together, married twenty four years, age gap twenty
(11:44):
five years. Have you been watching the new Alec Baldwin
reality series? Oh my god. All I say all the
way through that series is why why are they doing
the show? He doesn't have to do the show. That
beautiful house in the Hampton's he bought forty years ago
it's probably paid for. He's probably worth a million. Why
is he doing the trait? Keep saying, Oh, I got
to keep working, I have all these kids. I don't know.
(12:05):
I think it's his wife, Hilaria Baldwin. I think she
wants to be on TV. So anyway, Alec Baldwin and
Hilaria Baldwin been married for about ten or twelve year
twelve years, I think I've been together and he's twenty
six years older. Jeff Goldbloom is thirty one years older
than his wife Emily Livingston. She's a Canadian dancer, aerialist
(12:25):
and contortionist. Oh wonder why I fell in love with her? No,
they have two kids, so it all worked out well.
Composer David Foster and his wife Katherine McPhee. He is
thirty four years older than her. Actor Patrick Stewart with
musician Sonny Ozelle, he's thirty eight years older, and I
(12:45):
think the trophy goes to Dick Van Dyck. He's been
married to makeup artist Arlene Silver since twenty twelve, so
was at twenty ten fifteen thirteen years six years older
than her. So let's talk about why in Hollywood those
age gap relationships tend to thrive. One is they're just
(13:09):
resisting all the criticism and the stigma, right Like, I
think these couples are aware that the deck is stacked
against them. It's Hollywood after all, and they got the
big age gap and critics are everywhere. Mate poachers are
waiting in the wings to steal their mate. So in reaction,
I think that a lot of these couples form a
(13:30):
it's us against the world bond, and they're determined to
beat those odds. Now, sometimes it's just the luck of
the draw that two people who have a secure attachment
style get together, and the age gap is not important.
It's the fact that they are able to care for
each other in a similar way. They both have a
secure attachment style. But there's also the theory that they've
(13:50):
got too much to lose. So in scenario number one,
maybe both partners are famous and their relationship, the perception
the public of their relationship is intertwined with their careers
and their public image. So some couples choose to say
together publicly, but they have extra pair bonds on the side.
(14:12):
Case in point Will Smith and Jada Pinkett right scenario
number two, only one of the partners is famous and
the other partners, and so the partner that's not famous,
their entire identity and link to money and celebrity is
all associated with a partner that's a whole lot to lose.
So I do want to say that age gap relationships
are often stigmatized, and here's why. Where there's just too
(14:37):
much of a power imbalance. The older one probably has
more money, for sure, but also more importantly, has more
wisdom and they can easily manipulate the other. And the
other reason is reproduction. When a young person enters into
a relationship with an older person, they might have to
forfeit the idea of having offspring, So people go, why
(14:59):
are you doing that right now? There are some benefits,
especially to the older one, because the older one can
feel a lot younger, although some people are exhausted. They're like,
do I really have to go out that late? But
I have a young wife I have to. But also
having a big age gap for a much older person
means that you have a healthy caregiver around you. Example
(15:21):
might be sadly, the late Jean Hackman and his late,
much younger wife who cared for him for years with
Alzheimer's and very sadly she died a week before he did.
It's far more common that the older man goes with
the younger woman, although not always right Sam Taylor Johnson
and her husband No, but it's basic evolution. Heterosexual males
(15:44):
are wired to respond to cues of fertility. Now hear
me out. They might not consciously or intellectually hope to
reproduce offspring, but underneath it all, they're unconsciously aroused by
women who look fit and ready to reproduce. Look, even
when an older man chooses a pure woman, a woman
around his age, he tends to choose the youngest, healthiest
(16:06):
looking older woman. Right. I do want to give a
little bit of advice to people in age gap relationships. Talk
about it, talk about the power imbalance. Find ways to
create equity, perhaps by letting the one with less money
manage the money, or though younger one have a greater
voice in some of life's affairs, where you're going to
on vocation or what you're doing, etc. I will say
(16:29):
you probably see these age gap relationships more commonly in
Hollywood than anywhere else in the world, just because there
are no rules in Hollywood. Right, It's such a permissive
kind of culture. But there are a few in the
real world, the non Hollywood folks, and it works for them,
and congratulations to them. I think that's wonderful. Hey, when
(16:51):
we come back, are you the kind of person who's
friends with your ex or you, like me, you're not
friends with any of your exes. Let's talk about this
when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know,
I am somebody who is not really friends with any
of my exes. One kind of like, you know, we
check in birthdays and Christmas or whatever. He's much older
the relationship was, you know, thirty years ago. It's you know,
(17:37):
no no worries there. But all the other ones, and
there were many I'm not friends with now. Is it
their choice? Isn't my choice? I think because back when
I had an anxious attachment style, there was so much
pain involved in those relationships. When the guys had been
pretty avoidant that I don't want to go back can
(18:00):
visit that pain, and since they're avoidant, they don't want to.
So I think that explains my situation. But I know
there are plenty of people who do have good, healthy
friendships with some of their exes. They've done the conversion,
and in fact, there are couples in Hollywood who have
maintained some pretty good friendships after their marriage has ended.
(18:23):
Some examples might be well. Of course, probably the most
famous couple is Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin because they
consciously uncoupled. Remember that they went to therapy where they
made a long, slow, careful breakup so that they could
remain close friends, they could co parent their children, and
apparently they even spend time together with Gwyneth Paltrow's new husband,
So there you go. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have
(18:47):
done a pretty good job, according to the media, of
co parenting effectively and supporting each other. They're often spotted
on family outings together even though the other Jen came
in and out again. I don't know, maybe they're back
to being friends to me more. And Bruce willis they
were married until the year two thousand. They've stayed on
really good terms. They quarantined together during the pandemic, and
(19:10):
now of course that Bruce has his diagnosis, she and
her daughters are there caring for him. So yeah. Even
from time to time, Jennifer Annison and Brad Pitt have
appeared together at public events, Amy Irving and Steven Spielg.
They were in the news this week for quote having
maintained a healthy, friendly relationship after their divorce. Now you
(19:32):
might remember, or you might not. They slit back in
nineteen eighty nine. There was a significant financial settlement. I
think it was like one hundred million dollars. Look, if
I had any X out there who left me with
one hundred million dollars, I would be happy to be
his best friend. Anytime you call, you want lunch, dinner,
you want to call and complain about I'm here, Okay,
I'm on the payroll. Well, apparently they're so close that
(19:54):
they have co parented their son. Their son's middle aged.
Now okay, I think Max is thirty nine. But they've
been known to go on double dates with their current spouses,
so they've done it. So here is I like to
say doctor Wendy's advice for how to maintain a friendship
(20:15):
with your ex because people say, well, do I go
no contact or do we just convert it to friends?
If there's pain involved, if one of you is still
attracted to the other and has even a drop of
hope that you will get back together, then you must
go no contact. That means unfriend, unfollow, block, that's all
(20:39):
your social media, all your emails, your phone number. Just
literally get it, go go. You don't even have to
tell them. In fact, it's funny, I am going to
block you. Well you're in contact with me by saying that,
just go no contact. If you're worried about because you
have to turn your brain away from any thought of them.
If you're worried about being reminded or triggered, change your gym,
(21:01):
change your dry cleaners, change your coffee shop, change your friends.
If you had friends that you shared together. Right, So yeah, now,
if some time has passed, it is possible to maintain
a friendship with your acts. Now I should pause here
to say, if you're sharing custody of children, you have
to but it has to be done with boundaries. Okay,
(21:23):
Because I see people who stay attached the real conflict,
often using the poor children as the go between, the
weapon in the conflict. So it's like they stay in
a relationship, but the relationship relationship is no longer about love,
it's all about conflict. But it keeps them reason for
having a contact, be in contact with each other. So
(21:45):
if you're finding that, and let me tell you, the
divorce courts are full of people with anxious attachment styles
who are paying attorneys to go back again to complain
about something right, and that is not healthy. All right,
So if you're not that, you're not raising kids together,
you're not have an anxious attachment style, you don't have
(22:05):
a drop of hope. How do you maintain a friendship
with your ex? Well, these conditions have to be met.
Listen up, these conditions have to be met. Number One,
that there no I mentioned this already. There's no hope
that either partner will engage in another romantic relationship with you. Okay,
it's not going to happen again. It's over. You actually
(22:26):
both know for sure it's over. Also, you have to
be sure assured that all conflicts has been resolved and
there's no residual anger about the divorce. Because you can't
have a good friendship if you're given little digs all
the time. Oh yeah, remember the time you did that
to me? Right, can't do that. You can't be friends
if either of you is still sexually attracted to the other.
(22:49):
All it takes is too many Marguerite is one night
somewhere and you're in trouble. If there are children, the
two of you co parent fairly and respect to each
other as parents and don't try to micromanage what each
other are doing and fight over how you parent. Okay,
can't be friends if that's going on. It also really
helps if both partners are in subsequent secure relationships where
(23:14):
I got to add this, where the current partner isn't
threatened by the friendship. Right. That's the important thing is
that if your current partner says no, I don't want
you seeing your ex or having lunch or hanging out
it really bothers me. Then you have to respect your partner.
You can go to therapy and talk it through and
try to figure it out as much as possible. Now
looking at this list, right, no hope you'll get back together.
(23:35):
All conflict been resolved. Not to actually attracted fairly co
parented secure subsequent relationships. I think Amy Irving and Steven
Spielberg check all those boxes. They were only married for
four years, they have one son. I mean, why not
share a meal from time to time? Time to time?
I mean the friendship has endured, but the romance hasn't.
(23:58):
Those conditions are what make at work. Hey, when we
come back, can we talk about emotional affairs? A lot
of people don't understand the difference between a friendship and
an emotional affair. There are two distinct things. Let's talk
about it when we come back. You are listening to
The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. The home stretch
of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. It's always my pleasure
to be with you guys every Sunday from seven to
nine pm. And I want to talk to you about
a kind of sensitive subject before we go. A number
(24:49):
of reporters have reached out to me asking me because
you know, in the wake of remember Governor Andrew Como,
remember him, we all had I had a Como actual
T shirt during COVID. Chelsea Handler was in love with him.
If you watch Chelsea Handler's new Netflix special, by the way,
(25:10):
it's hysterical because she talks about how they did have
a just texting relationship until somebody must have whispered something
about her not being a quiet voice, and anyway, they
never actually got together, but she does a whole funny
bit around it that you should see. But anyway, so
now he's trying to be Mayor of New York and
now they're revisiting all these kinds of potential relationships that
(25:33):
people had, and someone reached out to me from the
press and asked me details on what I believe is
an emotional affair and if it's a thing, and I'm like, uh, duh,
absolutely it is, So in case you don't know what
an emotional affair is. And I want to pause to say, gentlemen,
(25:56):
if you're a dude and you're listening right now, I
want you to cup your ears because there's a reason
why you're going to hear in a minute why it's
important that you guys understand. All right, So, an emotional affair,
in my opinion, is a relationship where there's no physical contact. Now,
it could be in the real world and it could
(26:18):
be online, but it basically means that people have a
level of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, closeness, disclosure, but they don't
have a physical relationship. So, yeah, that person you've been
dming with that your wife doesn't know about and telling
her secrets, that's an emotional affair. Your work wife, that's
(26:41):
an emotional affair. It's where you know. I always say,
the litmus test of whether you're having an emotional affair
or not is this, would you say all the things
you say to this person if your wife was sitting
right there beside you, if she was in the room
hearing an All okay. The biggest difference between a friendship
(27:05):
because you're like, well, she says my friend, I hear
people say that we're just friends. The biggest difference between
a friendship and an emotional affair are boundaries. You see,
it is possible to have an opposite gender friendship, but
when you do, you have to respect the boundaries, especially
when it comes to content around your partner. So a
(27:28):
friendship might be a common interest friend. You go to
the game together, you do pilates together. My husband Juleo,
goes to this pilates place. I was actually thinking of
going just to check out the women who he always
mentions because he's always I'm I'm always the only guy
in class and if I'm not there, they're like, where
are you? Why? I have mean you been there. I'm
just like I need to go at least once and
(27:50):
see who these women are.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
So, anyway, it might be a common interest friend, it
might be a friend from work, et cetera. But it
does not involve deep emotional intimacy. And more than anything,
it should not involve disclosures about your primary love relationship.
If you are complaining to this person about your wife,
(28:13):
if you are saying things like, oh, you know, my
wife and I never have sex anymore, Okay, that's an
emotional affair. Now that's not a friendship. Okay. So an
emotional affair is friendship plus intimacy. That's where you discuss
those prickly topics. You might even talk about your dating life,
your marital life, your sex life, whatever. Now it's an
(28:35):
emotional connection. So here's why I tell guys to listen
at There is plenty of research to support the idea
that women are far more threatened by an emotional affair
than men are. Men tend to be more threatened by
a physical affair. Now, evolutionary psychologists would say that women
(28:58):
are kind of aware that where a man's heart goes,
his wallet goes. They like to say that if he
falls in love, eventually he may leave them and leave
the household. Right, resources may be leaving the household, or
maybe the resources might just be his time and attention.
And also a lot of women know that where his
(29:19):
heart goes, his goes eventually, right, and so it's a
slippery slope towards a physical affair anyway. So here's why
men are less threatened by an emotional affair. Effect, if
you have if you're a lady, a woman, and you
have a guy friend that you like to hang with
and disclose and whatever, your husband is more likely to
(29:42):
be like, great, it's a burden taken from me, especially
if he's a gay best friend. You know, husbands love that.
But anthropopa or evolutionary psychologists would say that men's biggest
fear is being cuck hoolded that another man might plant
a seed in his nest. So if a woman has
a physical affair, then the husband might end up having
(30:05):
to sacrifice his own time, talent, and treasure to another
dude's genes. And women, on the other hand, know that
men rarely open up emotionally to anyone unless it's their
romantic partner, and they often confuse emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy,
so it becomes real blurry, right, It is a slippery slope. Now,
(30:28):
I do want to say this. If you're in a
marriage and one of you has had an emotional affair
that's been discovered or you talked about it, it's really
easy to say, but we didn't have sex, nothing ever happened, right,
because you think the only rule is physical intimacy, right.
But I'm telling you, the pain, especially for a woman,
(30:49):
can be as big as if dude, as if you
went out and had a wild romp with somebody, just
if you have some of your disclosing things too. And
getting past an emotional affair is just like getting past
a physical affair. You got to rebuild the trust. That
means offering true, authentic apologies, reassuring the partner who's been betrayed,
(31:12):
allowing them access to your social media, your passwords, your phone,
and hopefully going to a couple's therapy so you can
work on it together. An emotional affair is a real thing. Hey,
if you want to follow me on my social media,
you certainly may. The handle everywhere is at d R
Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. And on that note,
(31:34):
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show comes to a close. I'm
always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine
on kf I. Remember if you miss any part of it,
you download that iHeartRadio app. You click, you search Doctor
Wendy Walsh. You click the button that says preset and
you'll get it every week, just in your box, anytime
you need it. It's always good to be with you.
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
(31:55):
KFI AM six point forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI A M six forty from
seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time
on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I am taking your calls and
answering your social media questions. The numbers one eight hundred
and five to zero, one, five, three four Producer Kayla,
Who do we have now? Or should we go to socialist?
(00:21):
Someone just DMed me too. We have Jeremy. Jeremy, Hi Jeremy,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hello, how are you good?
Speaker 1 (00:28):
What's your question? So?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
I'm an experience in the bedroom and I was wondering.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
I don't even know.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
If this is necessarily their job, but I just I
would I would just wonder if it was. Should I
see a sex therapist?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
That's an excellent question, you know, licensed sex therapist. One
of the things that they work on with clients are
sometimes body image issues. Sometimes I mean they're not actually,
don't get me wrong, they're not surrogates, right. Sex Surrogates
are people who you know, will have sex with somebody
(01:05):
as a way to teach them. But a sex therapist
can work on things like performance anxiety, body image issues.
They can work on education, sexual education. I think if
you have any fears at all, that that's an excellent
idea to see a licensed sex therapist trained by the
American Association of Sex Therapists and Educators. I think a
(01:27):
sex is the organization. Thanks for calling, Jeremy. All right,
who do we have? Now? We have Barbara, Barbara, Hi, Barbara,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
Oh, doctor Wendy. Thank you so much for taking my call.
I've spoken to last year, and I've been miss someone
now for about two and a half years.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Altogether nice.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
And then we broke up right after well hold on,
we broke up right after Valentine's Day and the week
after Valentine's and you told me all of that I
was a caller, that he was seven years younger than me,
and all of that, and we broke up. And I
think it's just because he thinks he's, you know, he's
wasting my time because he's really not ready to he's
(02:07):
not in the same life stand as me and I.
And you tell me about your parents being twenty years
difference and how they they loved each other until they
both cast So anyway, I just listened to that gentleman
that called that was a widower for fourteen years. Then
it gave me hope to call you. And I can't
believe I'm talking to you again, but I just I
think that's the kind of man I want to meet.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Oh oh, hey, Henry, Henry from Denver. If you're still listening,
Barbara wants to meet you, you're going to have to.
Both of you should send me a DM on Instagram
so that you could you can find each other and
I could connect you. But you know what, Barbara, one
of the things I want to make clear is when
somebody says that they want to end a relationship, it's
(02:52):
important that we listen to them. You know, it's and
I'm not saying that this is you, but sometimes people
will be like, you know, he just thinks that we're
into stages alf But really I'll just convince him that
and you know, we really need to listen. And also
when people do break up, sometimes they use one thing
as a reason, but really it's something else, and don't
overanalyze it. Just trust them and know that that two
(03:15):
and a half years was meant to be for you.
And there's no such thing as a failed relationship, only
a relationship that culminated where you learned something from somebody. So, Barbara,
I wish you well. I think you're going to find
a great love out there because listen to your exciting energy.
Thanks so much for calling. All Right, I received this
email from a gentleman who said, I have seen you
(03:37):
on various TV shows, always liked your insight. Thank you
very much. I'm fifty eight. My new girlfriend is fifty four.
We started dating six weeks ago, but they've known each
other for a few years. Everything was perfect, except we're
having trouble with sex. It was painful for her worse.
He's saying it's because of his size. I'm sure she
(03:57):
made you think that. I mean, it could be okay,
it could be all right, just saying I think the
issue is her age. He's saying he's concerned that we're
not sexually compatible. I think he said she has an
appointment to see her guy.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
No good.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
She probably has seen her already and learned that they're
all kinds of things that you could use. So again,
I'm not a medical doctor, and I shouldn't be giving
medical advice, so I won't, but I'll tell you from
my personal experience that there are lots of medical interventions
that can be used for painful sex due to menopause.
So I would say that if you've known her three
years and you're into her, you guys can make it work. Also,
(04:35):
I have some other friends who had some problems at
a certain day, some health problems, and they don't have intercourse,
they have outer course and it all works for them.
Just saying all right, Dear doctor Wendy, this is a
DM from Instagram. Actually I want to get this one
because this just came in while I was on my life.
Dear doctor Wendy, I have a question. I've done a
lot of online dating. As soon as I disclose that
(04:56):
I am from Japan, there are mobs of Asian men
mess me. I'm finding out that ninety eight percent of
them are scammers from other countries. I am just sick
of weeding off these guys. You should be How can
I be authentic and find a good man for me?
Should I not disclose until I meet it? Well, your
pictures are going to be up there, of course, I'm
not gonna miss your name. Okay, So listen. I think
(05:18):
it's okay to be authentic. I'm sorry this is happening.
I wish there was a way because I've never heard
of mobs of scammers. I mean, I saw the odd
little robots and the odd fake ones when I was
on the apps, But mobs of and ninety eight percent
are scammers. That's a problem. You know, you could try,
but then how what? You got to put up pictures
(05:39):
so people are gonna know, right. I think that getting
on these dating apps nowadays is an endurance test. You
got to swipe and swipe and swipe. You gotta weed out.
Weat out, we eat out, weed out, and that is
what it is. And when you get exhausted, you take
a break from the apps for a few months, and
then you go back to it. And I'm sorry this
is happening to you. Okay. Another DM that was sent
(06:00):
to me on IG Dear Doctor Wendy. My husband is
all of a sudden demanding him time and he's taking
solo vacations. He says it's because he lost himself in
this relationship. Am I taking this to oh? He says,
I'm taking it too personal? Should I be listen? First
of all, a husband in a marriage doesn't go off
(06:24):
taking vacations alone. Okay, you know what I'm gonna say.
This is an issue now. If he says he's lost
himself in the relationship, go find a hobby then, okay,
go play basketball with the guys, go golf whatever. Don't
go take vacations to beaches. Okay, this means your mate shopping.
This is the beginning of the end of the relationship.
Unless I would insist you get into couple's therapy right away.
(06:47):
Yes you should take it personally, and yes you should
be upset. I'm just saying, all right, dear doctor Wendy.
Oh here's an interesting one. I was looking at this
on the break. I'one sent me this DM, and I
wasn't quite sure what I was going to say. But
now I know what I'm gonna say. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy,
my wife cheated on me with a woman, and now
(07:10):
she wants to bring her into this relationship. I always
knew she was bisexual, but I didn't know it was
something she felt was missing. Should I accept this for
her comfort? This is opening up a big can of
worms because the fact that you said for her comfort,
not your comfort, means that maybe you're not comfortable with it.
(07:33):
And also if you knew she was bisexual, but she
was comfortable in a heterosexual relationship with you, so she
didn't really disclose all her feelings before she betrayed the
relationship with an affair. Okay, she had an affair. You
guys had an agreement that you would be sexually monogamous
(07:55):
with each other. And rather than her having intimacy with
you and opening up and saying, hey, I'm having these
thoughts and feelings, what should we do about it? How
can we solve it? And a problem it being a
problem for the couple to solve together, she went out
and tried to solve her own problems by betraying your relationship.
And then she came back and said, well, you know,
(08:17):
let's just try it. She can join us. Don't you
think no, because already this woman's in your relationship and
you don't like it. I would say to your wife,
you and I need to go to couple's therapy right
away and let's work this out together. This is something
that the two of us need to make a decision together.
But it sounds like it's something you don't want, so
(08:40):
pay attention to your own feelings as well. Okay, we
have time for another quick one, don't we early?
Speaker 2 (08:46):
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
I know, Doctor Wendy, you say that men don't fall
in love through sex, But how can I get my
situationship to turn into a relationship? You can't, but you
can try, and you got to do it strong by
just saying what is this? What? What are we? Are
you my boyfriend? And if they say no, you have
to be the one to leave. You have to be
strong enough to leave. So if you are fearless, you
(09:09):
want to be loud looking, you get out there and
you just tell your situationship all right? When we come back,
can age gap relationships actually work? Let's explore. Plenty of
Hollywood relationships are working that way. Let's explore it when
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (09:35):
To the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I've always
had a theory that age gap relationships are doomed. I
would say the biggest age gap relationship I ever had
in my life was sixteen years. He was sixteen years older,
but he was very young in mind and I was,
(09:57):
you know, my twenties and late twenty he was the
early forties, and he felt very old to me. I
just mean I prefer peers, you know. And at flip side,
when I was single, once my kids were old enough
to be kind of on their own without babysitters, and
I was on those apps and dating guys a little
bit younger. My rule was they couldn't be more than
(10:20):
ten or twelve years younger than me. And I didn't
like it. I didn't I felt like a teacher to them,
and so I didn't really like it. I really like
a peer. I like him to be able to look
up to a man. My husband, Julio's I think two
years older than me or three years older than me maybe,
which is about perfect. We have the same references, same memories.
(10:41):
But there are some people who, for whatever reason, their
age gap relationships have endured. Certainly, Hollywood is more permissive,
so you're going to see it more often. Some examples
you probably are aware of Harrison Ford and Calissa Flockhart.
They've been together for twenty two years and they have
(11:01):
a twenty year age difference. The same sex relationship Sam
Taylor john Oh, I'm sorry not no, who were there
thinking of the same sex real? Oh? Sarah Paulson and
Holland Taylor they have a thirty two year age difference
and they've been together for ten years. Then there's Sam
Taylor Johnson and Aaron Taylor Johnson did age difference of
(11:23):
twenty three years. She's a British filmmaker. She directed Fifty
Shades of Gray. She directed Aaron Taylor Johnson in the
John Lemon biopic Nowhere Boy. Well, she found somewhere for
that boy to go. Apparently they've been they have two kids.
They've been together for twelve years. Michael Douglas Catherine Zeta
Jones still together, married twenty four years, age gap twenty
(11:44):
five years. Have you been watching the new Alec Baldwin
reality series? Oh my god. All I say all the
way through that series is why why are they doing
the show? He doesn't have to do the show. That
beautiful house in the Hampton's he bought forty years ago
it's probably paid for. He's probably worth a million. Why
is he doing the trait? Keep saying, Oh, I got
to keep working, I have all these kids. I don't know.
(12:05):
I think it's his wife, Hilaria Baldwin. I think she
wants to be on TV. So anyway, Alec Baldwin and
Hilaria Baldwin been married for about ten or twelve year
twelve years, I think I've been together and he's twenty
six years older. Jeff Goldbloom is thirty one years older
than his wife Emily Livingston. She's a Canadian dancer, aerialist
(12:25):
and contortionist. Oh wonder why I fell in love with her? No,
they have two kids, so it all worked out well.
Composer David Foster and his wife Katherine McPhee. He is
thirty four years older than her. Actor Patrick Stewart with
musician Sonny Ozelle, he's thirty eight years older, and I
(12:45):
think the trophy goes to Dick Van Dyck. He's been
married to makeup artist Arlene Silver since twenty twelve, so
was at twenty ten fifteen thirteen years six years older
than her. So let's talk about why in Hollywood those
age gap relationships tend to thrive. One is they're just
(13:09):
resisting all the criticism and the stigma, right Like, I
think these couples are aware that the deck is stacked
against them. It's Hollywood after all, and they got the
big age gap and critics are everywhere. Mate poachers are
waiting in the wings to steal their mate. So in reaction,
I think that a lot of these couples form a
(13:30):
it's us against the world bond, and they're determined to
beat those odds. Now, sometimes it's just the luck of
the draw that two people who have a secure attachment
style get together, and the age gap is not important.
It's the fact that they are able to care for
each other in a similar way. They both have a
secure attachment style. But there's also the theory that they've
(13:50):
got too much to lose. So in scenario number one,
maybe both partners are famous and their relationship, the perception
the public of their relationship is intertwined with their careers
and their public image. So some couples choose to say
together publicly, but they have extra pair bonds on the side.
(14:12):
Case in point Will Smith and Jada Pinkett right scenario
number two, only one of the partners is famous and
the other partners, and so the partner that's not famous,
their entire identity and link to money and celebrity is
all associated with a partner that's a whole lot to lose.
So I do want to say that age gap relationships
are often stigmatized, and here's why. Where there's just too
(14:37):
much of a power imbalance. The older one probably has
more money, for sure, but also more importantly, has more
wisdom and they can easily manipulate the other. And the
other reason is reproduction. When a young person enters into
a relationship with an older person, they might have to
forfeit the idea of having offspring, So people go, why
(14:59):
are you doing that right now? There are some benefits,
especially to the older one, because the older one can
feel a lot younger, although some people are exhausted. They're like,
do I really have to go out that late? But
I have a young wife I have to. But also
having a big age gap for a much older person
means that you have a healthy caregiver around you. Example
(15:21):
might be sadly, the late Jean Hackman and his late,
much younger wife who cared for him for years with
Alzheimer's and very sadly she died a week before he did.
It's far more common that the older man goes with
the younger woman, although not always right Sam Taylor Johnson
and her husband No, but it's basic evolution. Heterosexual males
(15:44):
are wired to respond to cues of fertility. Now hear
me out. They might not consciously or intellectually hope to
reproduce offspring, but underneath it all, they're unconsciously aroused by
women who look fit and ready to reproduce. Look, even
when an older man chooses a pure woman, a woman
around his age, he tends to choose the youngest, healthiest
(16:06):
looking older woman. Right. I do want to give a
little bit of advice to people in age gap relationships. Talk
about it, talk about the power imbalance. Find ways to
create equity, perhaps by letting the one with less money
manage the money, or though younger one have a greater
voice in some of life's affairs, where you're going to
on vocation or what you're doing, etc. I will say
(16:29):
you probably see these age gap relationships more commonly in
Hollywood than anywhere else in the world, just because there
are no rules in Hollywood. Right, It's such a permissive
kind of culture. But there are a few in the
real world, the non Hollywood folks, and it works for them,
and congratulations to them. I think that's wonderful. Hey, when
(16:51):
we come back, are you the kind of person who's
friends with your ex or you, like me, you're not
friends with any of your exes. Let's talk about this
when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know,
I am somebody who is not really friends with any
of my exes. One kind of like, you know, we
check in birthdays and Christmas or whatever. He's much older
the relationship was, you know, thirty years ago. It's you know,
(17:37):
no no worries there. But all the other ones, and
there were many I'm not friends with now. Is it
their choice? Isn't my choice? I think because back when
I had an anxious attachment style, there was so much
pain involved in those relationships. When the guys had been
pretty avoidant that I don't want to go back can
(18:00):
visit that pain, and since they're avoidant, they don't want to.
So I think that explains my situation. But I know
there are plenty of people who do have good, healthy
friendships with some of their exes. They've done the conversion,
and in fact, there are couples in Hollywood who have
maintained some pretty good friendships after their marriage has ended.
(18:23):
Some examples might be well. Of course, probably the most
famous couple is Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin because they
consciously uncoupled. Remember that they went to therapy where they
made a long, slow, careful breakup so that they could
remain close friends, they could co parent their children, and
apparently they even spend time together with Gwyneth Paltrow's new husband,
So there you go. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have
(18:47):
done a pretty good job, according to the media, of
co parenting effectively and supporting each other. They're often spotted
on family outings together even though the other Jen came
in and out again. I don't know, maybe they're back
to being friends to me more. And Bruce willis they
were married until the year two thousand. They've stayed on
really good terms. They quarantined together during the pandemic, and
(19:10):
now of course that Bruce has his diagnosis, she and
her daughters are there caring for him. So yeah. Even
from time to time, Jennifer Annison and Brad Pitt have
appeared together at public events, Amy Irving and Steven Spielg.
They were in the news this week for quote having
maintained a healthy, friendly relationship after their divorce. Now you
(19:32):
might remember, or you might not. They slit back in
nineteen eighty nine. There was a significant financial settlement. I
think it was like one hundred million dollars. Look, if
I had any X out there who left me with
one hundred million dollars, I would be happy to be
his best friend. Anytime you call, you want lunch, dinner,
you want to call and complain about I'm here, Okay,
I'm on the payroll. Well, apparently they're so close that
(19:54):
they have co parented their son. Their son's middle aged.
Now okay, I think Max is thirty nine. But they've
been known to go on double dates with their current spouses,
so they've done it. So here is I like to
say doctor Wendy's advice for how to maintain a friendship
(20:15):
with your ex because people say, well, do I go
no contact or do we just convert it to friends?
If there's pain involved, if one of you is still
attracted to the other and has even a drop of
hope that you will get back together, then you must
go no contact. That means unfriend, unfollow, block, that's all
(20:39):
your social media, all your emails, your phone number. Just
literally get it, go go. You don't even have to
tell them. In fact, it's funny, I am going to
block you. Well you're in contact with me by saying that,
just go no contact. If you're worried about because you
have to turn your brain away from any thought of them.
If you're worried about being reminded or triggered, change your gym,
(21:01):
change your dry cleaners, change your coffee shop, change your friends.
If you had friends that you shared together. Right, So yeah, now,
if some time has passed, it is possible to maintain
a friendship with your acts. Now I should pause here
to say, if you're sharing custody of children, you have
to but it has to be done with boundaries. Okay,
(21:23):
Because I see people who stay attached the real conflict,
often using the poor children as the go between, the
weapon in the conflict. So it's like they stay in
a relationship, but the relationship relationship is no longer about love,
it's all about conflict. But it keeps them reason for
having a contact, be in contact with each other. So
(21:45):
if you're finding that, and let me tell you, the
divorce courts are full of people with anxious attachment styles
who are paying attorneys to go back again to complain
about something right, and that is not healthy. All right,
So if you're not that, you're not raising kids together,
you're not have an anxious attachment style, you don't have
(22:05):
a drop of hope. How do you maintain a friendship
with your ex? Well, these conditions have to be met.
Listen up, these conditions have to be met. Number One,
that there no I mentioned this already. There's no hope
that either partner will engage in another romantic relationship with you. Okay,
it's not going to happen again. It's over. You actually
(22:26):
both know for sure it's over. Also, you have to
be sure assured that all conflicts has been resolved and
there's no residual anger about the divorce. Because you can't
have a good friendship if you're given little digs all
the time. Oh yeah, remember the time you did that
to me? Right, can't do that. You can't be friends
if either of you is still sexually attracted to the other.
(22:49):
All it takes is too many Marguerite is one night
somewhere and you're in trouble. If there are children, the
two of you co parent fairly and respect to each
other as parents and don't try to micromanage what each
other are doing and fight over how you parent. Okay,
can't be friends if that's going on. It also really
helps if both partners are in subsequent secure relationships where
(23:14):
I got to add this, where the current partner isn't
threatened by the friendship. Right. That's the important thing is
that if your current partner says no, I don't want
you seeing your ex or having lunch or hanging out
it really bothers me. Then you have to respect your partner.
You can go to therapy and talk it through and
try to figure it out as much as possible. Now
looking at this list, right, no hope you'll get back together.
(23:35):
All conflict been resolved. Not to actually attracted fairly co
parented secure subsequent relationships. I think Amy Irving and Steven
Spielberg check all those boxes. They were only married for
four years, they have one son. I mean, why not
share a meal from time to time? Time to time?
I mean the friendship has endured, but the romance hasn't.
(23:58):
Those conditions are what make at work. Hey, when we
come back, can we talk about emotional affairs? A lot
of people don't understand the difference between a friendship and
an emotional affair. There are two distinct things. Let's talk
about it when we come back. You are listening to
The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
To the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. The home stretch
of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. It's always my pleasure
to be with you guys every Sunday from seven to
nine pm. And I want to talk to you about
a kind of sensitive subject before we go. A number
(24:49):
of reporters have reached out to me asking me because
you know, in the wake of remember Governor Andrew Como,
remember him, we all had I had a Como actual
T shirt during COVID. Chelsea Handler was in love with him.
If you watch Chelsea Handler's new Netflix special, by the way,
(25:10):
it's hysterical because she talks about how they did have
a just texting relationship until somebody must have whispered something
about her not being a quiet voice, and anyway, they
never actually got together, but she does a whole funny
bit around it that you should see. But anyway, so
now he's trying to be Mayor of New York and
now they're revisiting all these kinds of potential relationships that
(25:33):
people had, and someone reached out to me from the
press and asked me details on what I believe is
an emotional affair and if it's a thing, and I'm like, uh, duh,
absolutely it is, So in case you don't know what
an emotional affair is. And I want to pause to say, gentlemen,
(25:56):
if you're a dude and you're listening right now, I
want you to cup your ears because there's a reason
why you're going to hear in a minute why it's
important that you guys understand. All right, So, an emotional affair,
in my opinion, is a relationship where there's no physical contact. Now,
it could be in the real world and it could
(26:18):
be online, but it basically means that people have a
level of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, closeness, disclosure, but they don't
have a physical relationship. So, yeah, that person you've been
dming with that your wife doesn't know about and telling
her secrets, that's an emotional affair. Your work wife, that's
(26:41):
an emotional affair. It's where you know. I always say,
the litmus test of whether you're having an emotional affair
or not is this, would you say all the things
you say to this person if your wife was sitting
right there beside you, if she was in the room
hearing an All okay. The biggest difference between a friendship
(27:05):
because you're like, well, she says my friend, I hear
people say that we're just friends. The biggest difference between
a friendship and an emotional affair are boundaries. You see,
it is possible to have an opposite gender friendship, but
when you do, you have to respect the boundaries, especially
when it comes to content around your partner. So a
(27:28):
friendship might be a common interest friend. You go to
the game together, you do pilates together. My husband Juleo,
goes to this pilates place. I was actually thinking of
going just to check out the women who he always
mentions because he's always I'm I'm always the only guy
in class and if I'm not there, they're like, where
are you? Why? I have mean you been there. I'm
just like I need to go at least once and
(27:50):
see who these women are.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
So, anyway, it might be a common interest friend, it
might be a friend from work, et cetera. But it
does not involve deep emotional intimacy. And more than anything,
it should not involve disclosures about your primary love relationship.
If you are complaining to this person about your wife,
(28:13):
if you are saying things like, oh, you know, my
wife and I never have sex anymore, Okay, that's an
emotional affair. Now that's not a friendship. Okay. So an
emotional affair is friendship plus intimacy. That's where you discuss
those prickly topics. You might even talk about your dating life,
your marital life, your sex life, whatever. Now it's an
(28:35):
emotional connection. So here's why I tell guys to listen
at There is plenty of research to support the idea
that women are far more threatened by an emotional affair
than men are. Men tend to be more threatened by
a physical affair. Now, evolutionary psychologists would say that women
(28:58):
are kind of aware that where a man's heart goes,
his wallet goes. They like to say that if he
falls in love, eventually he may leave them and leave
the household. Right, resources may be leaving the household, or
maybe the resources might just be his time and attention.
And also a lot of women know that where his
(29:19):
heart goes, his goes eventually, right, and so it's a
slippery slope towards a physical affair anyway. So here's why
men are less threatened by an emotional affair. Effect, if
you have if you're a lady, a woman, and you
have a guy friend that you like to hang with
and disclose and whatever, your husband is more likely to
(29:42):
be like, great, it's a burden taken from me, especially
if he's a gay best friend. You know, husbands love that.
But anthropopa or evolutionary psychologists would say that men's biggest
fear is being cuck hoolded that another man might plant
a seed in his nest. So if a woman has
a physical affair, then the husband might end up having
(30:05):
to sacrifice his own time, talent, and treasure to another
dude's genes. And women, on the other hand, know that
men rarely open up emotionally to anyone unless it's their
romantic partner, and they often confuse emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy,
so it becomes real blurry, right, It is a slippery slope. Now,
(30:28):
I do want to say this. If you're in a
marriage and one of you has had an emotional affair
that's been discovered or you talked about it, it's really
easy to say, but we didn't have sex, nothing ever happened, right,
because you think the only rule is physical intimacy, right.
But I'm telling you, the pain, especially for a woman,
(30:49):
can be as big as if dude, as if you
went out and had a wild romp with somebody, just
if you have some of your disclosing things too. And
getting past an emotional affair is just like getting past
a physical affair. You got to rebuild the trust. That
means offering true, authentic apologies, reassuring the partner who's been betrayed,
(31:12):
allowing them access to your social media, your passwords, your phone,
and hopefully going to a couple's therapy so you can
work on it together. An emotional affair is a real thing. Hey,
if you want to follow me on my social media,
you certainly may. The handle everywhere is at d R
Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. And on that note,
(31:34):
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show comes to a close. I'm
always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine
on kf I. Remember if you miss any part of it,
you download that iHeartRadio app. You click, you search Doctor
Wendy Walsh. You click the button that says preset and
you'll get it every week, just in your box, anytime
you need it. It's always good to be with you.
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
(31:55):
KFI AM six point forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI A M six forty from
seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time
on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
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