Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. We are also talking to Hospice Nurse Julie about her new book, Nothing to Fear: Demystifying Death to Live More Fully.
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(00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show.
I'd like to welcome now my Instagramaudience. You are now in the
studio with us on Instagram. I'mabout to take people's calls. The number
is one eight hundred five two zeroone five three four. That's one eight
(00:24):
hundred and five two zero one KFI. Give us a call. Producer Kayla
will screen the call and if youhave a relationship question. Reminder to everybody,
I'm not a therapist. I'm apsychology professor, but I have written
three books on relationships and my dissertationwas on attachment theory and hey, for
what it's worth, let me weighin on your love life. All right.
(00:45):
The number is one eight hundred fivetwo zero one five three four.
Okay, Producer Kayla, who dowe have on the line. We have
Steve with the question. Steve.Hello, Steve, it's doctor Wendy.
Well. Hi Dot to Wendy.I'm a huge fan and a huge and
how nice here I am? I'mglad. Okay, yeah, well this
is the thing. I'm financially independent. I'm sixty years old and I met
(01:08):
a wonderful woman on bumble like youdid. Oh nice, I'm been a
man and six weeks in si relationshipthings were going great. I have a
second home on Ogrean Coast and Iinvite her there and then as a blue
she just decided that we were incompatibleand she just blocked me on everything.
(01:30):
And then I tried to reach outto her and that was a bad idea
and then she was firing, likeyou know it was. There's no way
to connectle with her, so Ihad no closure. And it's just awful.
Steve. I know, first ofall, I have twenty girlfriends who
want to fix you up with Letme just say that right now. You
fit the profile of everybody I know. So let me just say this.
So, Steve, you described yourselfas being sixty financially independent, You met
(01:55):
this great woman, you go outfor six weeks, and all of a
sudden she goes to you and shedidn't give you any closure or any information.
I want everyone to hear this,because no matter who you are or
how old you are. Being ghostedis so injurious because you're left wondering was
it something I said? And Steve, if it's any consolation, it's happened
(02:16):
to me many times. Okay,like people just they don't have the emotional
intelligence, the emotional strength to beable to talk about what's really going on.
So I want you the first thingI want you to do, Steve,
to help heal yourself in this senseis just tell yourself that you dodged
(02:38):
a bullet, because being in arelationship with somebody who can't talk about their
feelings is never good, right,So you should be doing the touchdown cheer
that she took off instead of draggedyou through the mud for a long time.
And also, when you're feeling ata loss, surround yourself by people
who do love you, your family, your friends, your colleagues, so
you can get your mojo back andremember who you are. By the way,
(03:01):
did she you said you reached outand contacted her, Did she give
you any or was she kind ofrude and cryptic? She just very quickly
said, you know we're not compatible, you know, you know, we
just not not on the same page, And I'm like, we have a
great time together. I mean,we had fantastic dates and you were,
(03:23):
you know, getting kissing on meand you know, and then we waited
to have sex like a month,which is so you had already entered into
a sexual relationship and she disappeared interesting. Yeah, and she hadn't orgasm,
yeah, and you felt there wasa good experience for her. So there's
something like a bad sexual incompatibility.So it's just a bummer. And now
(03:47):
I'm thinking, you know, Idon't know I how you want to go
back on it? You do haveto, And let me tell you this
that finding a great mate is alittle bit of an endurance test to go
through a bunch of bad mates toget there. If you look back and
assess what happened in order to preserveyourself, is there anything you would have
(04:08):
done to slow things down? Isthere anything that you could do next time?
Use it for what you could doin the future. But Steve,
get on back there and send mea DM. I got some girlfriends,
but would love to meet you,all right, Producer, Kayla, who
do we have next? We haveJordan? Jordan Jordan, Hello, Jordan,
(04:30):
It's doctor Wendy Hey, how youdoing, Doc? Good? Hey
Jordan, I just want to sayreally quick to my Instagram audience who are
watching, they're only hearing one halfof the conversation. I do try to
repeat the question, but if youdo want to hear both sides, download
the iHeartRadio app and then you canhear both on the Doctor Wendy Well Show.
Okay, Jordan, go ahead,what's your question? Love? Yeah?
So I have been loving and listeningto this for a great advice and
(04:54):
as I get back into dating formyself, I started entertaining a young lady
and and gone on a couple ofdates, and you know, we kind
of text here and there. ButI think what I'm most nervous about is
how much is too much over communicatingor undercommunicating when you're first trying to get
to know somebody. Oh what agood question. I'm glad you're thinking about
(05:17):
that. So Jordan's question is howmuch is too much communication or under communication
when you're first getting to know somebody. So if you've gone on a couple
dates, I would say that thecontact should start to be consistent. Now,
I'll tell you what women hate.Women hate men that text all the
time and never set up a date. They feel like he's got a roster
of women that he's just keeping inthe corral through texting. So I would
(05:41):
say that the purpose of your textingshouldn't be just how is your day?
Like, don't have the relationship throughtext, but really like, hey,
I had a good time seeing youlast week. You mentioned that you're into
whatever musical artists or whatever sport orwhatever. Would you like to see if
I could get tickets to that?Right, Like, we love real questions
with real plans in text instead ofjust checking in with a high how are
(06:05):
you? Did you have a goodday? It feels wasteful to us.
It's not relationship building. Now ifyou're not the way you gauge how much
is too much communication is their response? So if you write two or three
sentences and they don't respond for twentyfour hours and they respond with two words,
(06:27):
you've been given your information. Right. I always say, everybody gets
not three two times up at bat, two times up at bat, and
then you strike out, So youmight send one more text and if again
they're lazy, then just move away. You don't even have to say anything,
just kind of move away and seeif they come back. You're looking
for reciprocity, You're looking for somebodyto mirror the level that you're doing.
(06:48):
But if you've only dated somebody oneor two times, texting every single day?
And how are you tonight? Love? Where are you? Wait?
No? Way too much, waytoo much, too soon, But use
it for making plans, Jordan,luck to you. I'm so excited for
started dating somebody. All right,Producer, Kayla, who do we have?
Now we have Jennifer with a question. Jennifer, Hi, Jennifer,
it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctorWendy. So I've been dating. I've
(07:13):
been since it's been about two yearssince i've been divorced. And I'll tell
you it's really hard to find chemistry. It is, but I found someone
who is a little bit younger thanwhat I normally date, and but we
we do. We have chemistry connectioncommunication, which is huge. Like you
just said, how many years betweenthe two of you? So five,
(07:35):
he's five years. But I've beentapping into my new dating pool is older
and I'm forty five, and soI like the mid fifties. It's just
been I like that, but I'mthey're lacking. So the forty five year
old or I'm sorry. The fortyyear old is the one that I have
chemistry with, but he's lacking mindsetand ambition at the level that I used
(07:58):
to. But we've been seeing eachother for a few months now, and
it's hard because I feel like it'sbeen We've had two incidents where we've had
a misalignment and something's gone down andhe retracts for two three days instead of
talking. Oh yeah, I thoughtyou had said he had good communication,
but he retreats. And these arethe two times, and the last ones
(08:20):
have happened yesterday after a barbecue.Yes, and I actually reached out this
morning and said, hey, Iknow we need to talk. Call me
and I haven't heard And this thesecond time, and it's really disappointing because
he's the one that I have connectionand chemistry with, which is hard to
find with the other. So whatI would do, I'm a big believer
in commenting on sort of the dynamic. Instead of like, hey, like,
(08:45):
reach on and call me whatever,I would say something like I noticed
I haven't heard from you, andI'm wondering, you know, sort of
like I'm wondering, how do Ifind the words to say something like where
you learned to put distance when there'sa little bit of discomfort and just something
I'd like, do you want themto start to think about their patterns without
(09:09):
really blaming them? So you're kindof like not, like, so is
this how you fight because you don'twant to text? Is hard? You
know, if you had, ifyou could get on the phone, you
could say something like, hey,you know, I come from a kind
of family when there's a little bitof a rupture that we want to talk
about it and have some resolution.But it sounds like you have a different
(09:30):
way when you express you know,and they might not even be aware that
they have this pattern, right,and so and I'm sorry, how long
did you say you're You've been seeinghim three months? Yeah, so this
is the time, right, it'slike lessing to have his idea go monogamous.
We literally were just going to havethat talk this weekend and then this
(09:52):
happened. Uh and what was therupture at the barbecue? So we were
going and he said, we're ongoing to stay for a little bit.
I think we didn't have the sameplans on timing. And I said,
okay, good. I wasn't reallyfeeling well he said, we're only going
to stay for a little bit.I said, okay, can we have
a word to be able to getout, like a code word or something,
you know, I was trying toprevent case on that feeling well and
(10:13):
my first time meeting is friends,and so said, we'll just text me,
just text me and I'll look atmy text and I say okay.
So after three hours there, Isaid I'm ready to go, and I
texted him. He said, well, let's do another forty five minutes.
And I'm like, okay. Wellforty five minutes turned into an hour and
a half. Okay, So ata time an hour and a half,
(10:35):
I was thinking exit plan, DoI need an uber and leave? This
is going to be rude, Andfinally he said okay, let's go.
So in the car I was upset. Yeah, you have every reason to
be upset because you were not.It was a bid for care. You
were feeling under the weather. You'dhad a deal that he broke. He
broke the contract, right, hehad a contract with you that said I
will take care of your needs.Just send me a text when you're ready
to go. I think three hoursis plenty amount. I thought you were
(10:58):
going to say so. About twentyminutes into I said, so, what
you've learned about him? This isn'treally just about communication. This is about
him being unable to care for you. So. I know you say it's
hard, Jennifer, but dating isan endurance test. You might have to
move along on this one. Thisis your old auntie talking to you right
now. I don't think he cancome around if he's not taking care of
(11:20):
your needs and what you needed.I'm so sorry. When we come back,
I'm going to continue to take yourcalls and answer your relationship questions.
The numbers one eight hundred five twozero one five three four. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one KFIyou are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
(11:41):
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand fromKFI AM six forty. I Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walshwith you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show, and I am takingyour calls. Hi Producer, Kayla,
who do we have, hi,Doctor Wendy, we have heaven with the
question Kevin Hi, Kevin Eavin.It's doctor Wendy. Are you there?
(12:05):
Hit that button? Kayla, yes, Hi, what's your question? Love?
Quick? Background? My wife andI've been there in about thirty two
years. My daughter congratulations. Nowfor her first thank you her. We're
going to meet her significant other forthe first time. They lived back east
and this is her first really seriousrelationship. And I was just wondering what
(12:28):
topics not to dress or go intoand maybe you have a suggestment something to
maybe ask? Good question. Okay, So how old are they? Uh,
thirty and thirty one? I believethey're full on grown ups. And
how long have they been together?Just under a year? Oh good,
(12:50):
okay, so it's time. It'stime. So here's the thing. He's
going to be nervous as heck,absolutely nervous and meeting his girls, and
he's excited and all that, buthe's nervous. Your job at this stage
only is to build rapport. Rememberwhat Shakespeare said, keep your friends close
(13:11):
and your enemy's closer. You don'tactually know what he's going to be yet,
you're not really sure how he's gonnatreat her, but you want to
have rapport and a relationship so thatyou can really see what's going on.
If he feels uncomfortable, then he'sgoing to say next time, you know,
if we're going back, Wes,I don't want to stay at your
parents' house, or he's gonna havea lot of influence on how much you
(13:31):
get to see your daughter and everythingelse. So at the beginning, all
about hey, so where are youfrom, and what do your parents do?
And tell me about this? Whatsports team you're looking for? Commonality
and rapport building, and to keephim feeling calm and relaxed. He knows
he's going to be investigated by you. He knows you're quietly checking him out.
(13:52):
How are you treating my daughter?Is what you're thinking in your head,
But you can't let that out atthe beginning. You got to keep
it just and friendly and warm andrapport building because your job is to try
to make everybody feel comfortable. Downthe road, if he hangs around,
you'll get more information. At thebeginning, just make him feel comfortable because
(14:13):
he's nervous, Kevin, he's nervousto meet you. Well, thank you
so much, thank you very much, thank you for calling. All right,
producing Kayla, who do we have? Now? We have Doug with
a question. Okay, all theguys call in today. Hi Doug,
it's doctor Wendy. How are yougood? What's your question? Love?
(14:33):
You know, I listened to yourshow for some time, and I have
heard you talk about like some ofthe negative traits that men have as far
as relationships go, and women havea lot of bad ones too, By
the way, yes, of course, but I wondered, how would someone
foster the good behaviors or how wouldsomeone find out what good behaviors are for
(14:58):
that matter. You know, maybesomeone has never been shown the correct way.
You want to know something funny,I wrote a book back in nineteen
ninety eight called The Boyfriend Test,How do We Evaluate him before you Lose
your Heart? And I got somany emails from men saying, thank you
so much. This was the bestcheat sheet now I know how to behave
(15:20):
And it was kind of a ninetyday probation test. You know. The
point is, if you are whatI would call a good guy, right,
a high value mate, then you'regoing to have self esteem and boundaries
so you're able to say no ifshe looks like she's a little crazy and
asking you to do things you don'twant to do, but you're also what
(15:43):
is a relationship. A relationship isan exchange of care, and that care
can make take all kinds of forms. But I don't know. If you
heard the caller who called in earlier, you know she's feeling under the weather.
She was going to barbecue with hisfriends and said, what's our code
when I feel like I really needto go? He said, just send
me a text. She did,and he wasn't interested in leaving, so
(16:03):
he wasn't caring for her. Sobeing a good person, no matter what
your gender, is responding to someone'sbids for care. If someone says you're
asking a woman out and you sayI'll come pick you up and she says
no, I actually prefer to bringmy own car, then respect her.
She's saying, hey, I don'tfeel safe with you yet you're not my
(16:25):
safe person, And go, oh, I totally understand. Can I reimburse
you for your uber or whatever rightor your childcare? Think about what you
can do to make someone feel special, But at the same time, you
don't want to fall into the trapof being such a mister nice guy that
you become a doormat, right,which means you have to have your own
(16:45):
self esteem. I often said Isaid this in my book to Boyfriend Test.
We love guys that have a plan. Confusing to women is a guy
who calls us or texts us andsays, hey, you want to go
out sometime. You're kind of interesting. I'm like, ough, what's special
about that? But if there's aguy who's going places, who has his
(17:07):
own life, who's busy, wewant to jump on his wagon. Right.
So if he sends a text thatsays, hey, I got two
tickets to the Dodgers on Friday nightat eight o'clock, do you want to
go? That's like saying I'm goinganyway, you want to come with me?
If not, there's somebody else.You don't say that, But that's
what the implication is. Here arethe things I'm doing. Want to come
(17:30):
along, which is a whole differentthing. Then I don't know, what
do you like to eat? Whatdo you want? Right? So,
you want to show this self confidence, you want to show this self esteem,
but you also want to respect theirbids for care, if they want
their own transportation, if they,you know, want to leave early,
(17:52):
it's you have to respect that.And it's just about mutual respect is what
it is. But anyway, I'msure there are used copies of the boyfriend
test on somewhere out there. Ithink I think I posted an updated version
on my Patreon. In fact,you can go to patreon dot com slash
doctor Wendy Walls if you want tocome into my patreon private world. But
thank you for calling Doug. Allright, I do not want to neglect
(18:15):
my social media, So let mego to social media and see who's got
some questions here. Dear doctor Wendy. Am I wrong for telling my girlfriend
to limit touching other men? Hmm? She always gives out hugs and it
makes me uncomfortable, she says,I'm being controlling. Is it controlling or
(18:36):
just wanting respect? Ooh ooh.The fact you word it just wanting respect
is kind of interesting to me.I'd have to see the kind of hugs.
Do they linger too long? Isit a whole body hug or is
it just a shoulder and chest anda little pat on the back? I
mean it's kind of hug as partof it. And are you doing it
(18:57):
for the respect or is it thatyou don't want her to mislead or be
suggestive with those men? Are youfeeling lower self esteem because you're worried that
because she gives a man a hug? And again, I don't know those
situations. If it is is asocial situation and you see someone at a
party and it's a friend, youdo lean in and give him a little
(19:18):
hug. It's all about the kindof hug. Are you threatened by that?
Can you know that she loves you, she's with you? Right?
You don't have to feel threatened byit, all right, Dear doctor Wendy.
I found out my boyfriend is goingto ask me to move in with
him. I don't think I wantthat. I love having our own places.
(19:41):
I don't want him to think I'mnot taking this relationship seriously, and
I know he will. How canI reject his offer without making him feel
rejected? You can't, all right? So the question really is why are
you in this relationship if you don'twant it to move forward? Now?
I don't know how long you've beentogether. If your boyfriend's going to ask
you this and you've been dating threemonths, I'd say, oh, you're
(20:02):
right, slow it down. Soyour answer is going to be, you
know what, dude, I loveyou. This is great I like where
it's going, but it's a littletoo early for this question. On the
other hand, if you've been datingtwo years and have your own apartment and
I don't know if you've had theconversation about marriage and kids or moving in
or whatever, then I'd question whyyou want to leave him hanging in limbough
(20:22):
because relationships tend to go somewhere,and the best relationships get completely committed.
So just going to say that,Uh, dear doctor Wendy, when is
love not enough? I've been withmy husband for thirteen years and I feel
we have love and it's history.But is that enough to spend the rest
(20:44):
of my life with him? Iam fifty three? Okay, So here's
the thing. Two issues here.One is love changes. So if you
think the early excitement of all thoseexciting neurotransmitters that are in the dopamine and
the neurop enough frunt of an oxytocinand that cocktail of deliciousness of lust,
that's not coming back with this guy. Ever, however, it gets replaced
(21:07):
with something more meaningful, something moreconnected. It sounds to me like you
guys are not connected. Right,So before I just jump ship, I
go to therapy and try to workon the relationship and then see if you're
ready to move on. When wecome back, I have a very special
guest. I'm so excited about her. I've wanted to have her on this
(21:29):
show for so long and she ishere in the studio. Hospice noose nurse.
Why do I say news, Hospicenurse Julie. Listen. If you're
planning on exiting the planet at theend of your days, not today,
not tomorrow, or if you havea loved one who has a terminal illness,
you are never going to meet amore joyful nurse talking about how great
(21:51):
the process of yes dying can be. You're listening to the Doctor Weddy Walls
Show and k I Am six fortyWe Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome
back to the Doctor Wendy Well Showon KFI AM six forty, Live Everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. I amgoing to introduce a guest now, who's
(22:15):
a very special guest. Special becauseI feel like I know her really well,
but we've actually only met live inthe studio right now. I want
everybody to say hello to Nurse Julie. Hi, Julie, Hello, thanks
for having me. You're gonna tellthe people how we know each other.
(22:36):
My fingers are making quotation marks.We are TikTok friends. We are friends
on TikTok ye. She has millionsof followers, built millions of followers during
the pandemic. Nurse Julie is ahospice palliative care nurse with more than fifteen
years of experience. And one ofthe things she does really well stem stay
(22:59):
tuned for that is she very positivelyand joyfully educates us about death and dying
and it is an event that isgoing to affect all of us. First
of all, no one's getting outof here live, just one to remind
you. But also we may losefamily members along the way, and she
demystifies the whole process. So thankyou for being with us today. I
(23:25):
do want to say, Nurse Juliebefore I go too far, that your
new book, she has a bookout is coming out right or is out
baby, It's called Nothing to Fearby Julie McFadden, r N. Hospice
Nurse Julie. That's her tag athospice Nurse Julie. You should follow her.
She's so uplifting. I know I'mtalking about death and I'm saying uplifting.
(23:45):
Anyway, the book is out now. I do recommend it for everybody's
easy, breezy read. You canget on my night table. Just want
to tell you that. So letme start at the beginning. Why of
all the areas of nursing, andyou started out in the ICU doing heroic
things, saving life lives, whydid you choose end of life stuff?
Well, that is exactly why,because I was an ICU nurse. So
(24:07):
when I was a new nurse,a little baby nurse, I thought,
the ICU is the only place I'dever want to work. It's in my
mind the best. You know,I'll learn the most. I'll see the
craziest things in Hollywood. That's true. I did. I did see all
the things when I learned a bunchof things, and one of the things
I learned was that preserving life atall costs, which is what we do
(24:30):
in the ICU for the most part. There's definitely good happening there as well,
but like we will preserve life atall costs, and it causes suffering,
suffering, suffering, suffering, andthere were times when we really missed
the mark as medical professionals. AndI just thought after a few years of
being an ICU nurse, and Istill stayed a few more years after this
(24:52):
moment, but you know, therewas a moment as an ICU nurse where
I was like, I can't keepdoing this. I can't keep doing this.
And there are a few patients inparticular, some of who I speak
about in my book. The firstcouple chapters are about my ICU experience and
what patients kind of change the trajectoryof my career. And it's because I
finally spoke up about what we weredoing. You know, I no one
(25:15):
was purposely doing it, but wewere keeping people alive for and they were
suffering, and they were suffering,and they were suffering. Yeah, so
that unpopular with some of the ICUworkers. No, because I spoke.
So I don't think so generally speakingthankfully on social media, I feel like
generally people are nice to me,Thank God, look at you. It
(25:36):
doesn't always happen to me that way, you know. I want to share
something My mother, My mother andmy father died in one year, when
I was thirty, my mother diedof breast cancer that had spread to her
lungs. And I don't have totell you what it's like the end,
when your lungs are so full offluid, you're drowning in your own fluid.
And she had asked for a chemotherapytreatment the day she died. She
(25:57):
was fighting to the end. Iwas here in La flying back as often
as I could. All my familywas just listening to the doctors. More
treatments, more treates. Hope,hope, hope, keep hope alive,
keep hope alive. And my dadcalled me and said, hey, you
might want to come home this weekendbecause your mom could use some cheering up.
I get there, Thank god Igot there when I did, and
(26:18):
she died thirty minutes later. Shewas on death's door, and everybody was
oblivious to it. You talk aboutfamily situations like this that they're all so
shocked. You do the opposite withhospice care. You prepare them for the
stages, right, correct, Yes, how do you do that? We
(26:38):
speak openly about what the truth ofthe matter is, which is you will
die. You know you will die. I think it's really important to use
language like that, specifically when someonereally I mean, we're all dying,
like you said, and I thinkand we do. People are really really
big disservice when we are too afraidto talk about it, you know,
so people pass the buck a lot. And I don't mean to sit here
(27:00):
and try to blame other healthcare workers. You know, everyone's doing their best,
and a lot of health care workers, especially in the hospital, don't
have a lot of time to havethese really hard conversations when families, when
certain families are clearly not ready tohear it, you know, they give
off the vibe of like, we'renot going to say the word hospice or
(27:22):
death or end of life, butwe still but we need to have those
conversations. And I feel like it'sa little easier on hospice because they're already
coming to us, right they alreadysomewhat know that the end may be near.
But even in the ICU, Iwould try to do that. I
would try to do that because weowe it to our patients. Now.
The thinking always was traditionally that ifyou tell a patient they're dying, they'll
(27:42):
die. If you say you havethree months to live, they'll last three
months because life is a self fulfillingprophecy. Sometimes you think there's a lot
of wasted hope out there when theycould be doing other things with the dying
process, like what like well letme let me when you keep saying hope.
(28:02):
I love that because I think ingeneral, generally speaking, we need
to start thinking about life and deathand hope in like to me, hope
doesn't necessarily equal life forever because whereno one's going to live forever, We're
not going to live forever. Sowith that knowledge, how do you want
to live? How do you wantto live the rest of your life?
(28:23):
And I think people need to knowthey're going to die, even you and
I sitting here, who may nothave terminal diagnosis right now, right or
ever, who knows, but we'restill going to die. And I think
there's there's there's hope in knowing that, because if we can truly understand that,
we can live out the rest ofour life. And I mean that
(28:44):
with all sincerity, Like I thinkpeople think it's cheesy, but I mean
that. I really feel like anyonecontemplating their own mortality will help them live
better. And one of the thingsthat I know that many of these people,
once they accept that they're dying,do is spend time nurturing their relationships.
Yeah, talk about that. Yeah, I think people who well,
(29:08):
how about this. People I've seenwitnessed this over and over again on hospice,
people who were willing to admit theywere dying, say the truth about
how they felt about their not evenif it wasn't pretty right, even if
they were like, I don't wantto I'm angry, this isn't going to
happen, they still seem to liveout their life better and die more peacefully,
(29:29):
and they spend it with their families, and they had truthful and honest
conversations, They connected with people,they had better symptom control, even physically
symptom management control. And they becausethey had those quote unquote good you know
last few months, connecting with lovedones or doing it whatever it is they
want to do right doesn't have tonecessarily be connection with people. They did
(29:52):
seem to live better and die better. You know, we have to go
to break but when we come back, I want to talk about get into
the nitty gritty of the symptoms ofdying, and especially the one I'm most
excited about, the rally when wecome back. My guest is hospice nurse
Julie. You should follow her online. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh
Show on KFI AM six forty.We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(30:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome
back to the Doctor Wendy Wallh Showon KFI AM six forty. I am
Doctor Wendy Walsh, and I amthrilled to be setting across from hospice Noose
nurse, not a noose. Youdon't have a noose. There's no newses
in hospice. Hospice Nurse Julie.The book is called Nothing to Fear.
(30:37):
You can get it everywhere online.And she's demystifying death for us. Okay,
let's get into the nitty gritty.One of your TikTok videos that really
I did like one of those noteto self, don't forget this is that
when a dying person stops eating ordrinking, the family members often want to
put an intervenous in their arm andpump them full of fluids. You say,
(31:00):
this can hurt them, right,right, dehydration at the end of
life is good. Is actually goodbecause a dying body knows how to die.
We are built to die. Wehave biological things built in our in
our in our bodies to help usdie, and one of those things is
being dehydrated actually helps us. Andeven if because families will say I don't
(31:26):
believe you, I don't believe you, and they will, they'll they'll put
they won't put it, but theythey'll have the hospital, our doctors or
whoever, put in the IV andhydrate their loved one. And even if
they do that, it won't doanything. So it won't do what it
would do. Does it cause pain? It could actually cause pain, Yes,
because the fluid will not stay whereit's supposed to do, which is
intravascular and intravascularly hydrating the person makingthem feel better. It won't do that.
(31:52):
It will It will seep out oftheir of their vascular system, causing
a edema, and then eventually they'reheart can't pump that fluid and it will
go into their lungs, oh,causing respiratory distress. So that's what my
mother was in when she dies,grab the oxygen mask and grabbing it and
trying to figure get more oxygen insomehow exactly. Oh, so the drier
(32:15):
you are, the better you willdie. You actually go into ketosis releases
in Doorphins Doll's pain makes you feeleuphoric. I'm in kytosis right now.
Actually, I kind of feel thatway. Different kind, okay, different
kind. Yes, So let's talkalso about the death stare and people seeing
loved ones. Do you believe there'sanother side after everything you've seen? So
(32:39):
personally yes? Now, now doI feel like that's something that I don't
ever need. I never want topush my beliefs on people. So what
I like to do is just educateabout the deathbed phenomenon, which is chapter
six in my book, that happensto almost everyone at the end of life
(32:59):
has some form of what I'm talkingabout. So all I like to say
is and most most people that workan end of life care will will also
say this is like, I don'tknow what it means, but it happens.
And the things that happen are thingslike we call it visioning, So
visioning where people see dead relatives,dead loved ones, dead pets. There's
(33:22):
death stare, Like you said,so I see it all the time.
Patients will be talking to you dada da da da da da da and
suddenly look off into the distance,stare into the corner. You cannot get
their attention no matter what you do. Sometimes they'll smile, Sometimes they'll say
hi, mom, what are youdoing here? Sometimes they'll reach their arms
up. That's called the death reach. And it just happens so often that
(33:45):
it's something we literally have to educateabout because families will see it and get
freaked out. You know, whatare they saying? What are they doing?
Why are they doing this? SoI think, you know, I
do believe that there is an afterlife, but that's not really why educated about
it. I just educated about sopeople understand that it's a normal thing.
It's something that we can't explain thathappens all the time. So I mentioned
(34:07):
that both my parents died in onesingle calendar year and ten months apart,
and my dad, having just nursedmy mother to death, chose a different
route and he decided to die athome. In Canada, with socialized medicine,
you can have a night nurse.You get a twelve hour shift every
day, so your family members duringthe day a night nurse for twelve hours
at night. They bring a hospitalbed right into the living room. They
(34:30):
put a morphine belt on the wholething, and he did have we'll talk
about the death rally in a minute. He hadn't eaten in weeks and weeks,
and some people came over to visitand he sat up and had a
cup of tea and a biscuit withthem and had this little rally. But
when he was hallucinating, as wecalled it, with the new morphine and
everything. Now you should know,my dad was an introverted, very polite,
(34:52):
diplomatic gentleman, that is what Iwould call him. And so probably
for him to you have to expressfeelings or to be in a vulnerable state
where his body's falling apart, wouldbe difficult. So he talked about it
in military terms. He's retired Navy, and he would say, there's a
threat to national security. We needto tell the commander right now, there's
(35:15):
a threat to national security. Hekept saying that, and we said,
okay, we'll tell the commander,just tell us what we need to tell
him. And he was really upsetabout this, but I feel like it
was a metaphor for his own internalnational security being threatened by all of this.
Isn't that interesting? People die theway they lived. I'm telling you,
I'm telling you, and I willsay that when the night nurse who
(35:36):
took care of my dad at nightand he would bathe him in the morning
before, he said, when you'retaking care of dying people, you can
always tell who they were, becausethey'd become like infants and you know their
real personality. And he said,your dad was just such an elegant gentleman.
He would always say, oh,thank you very much, and oh,
I'm so sorry I can't lift myhip there, and oh, and
(35:57):
he was just so polite all theway through, all the way to death.
He was just a polite man,you know. But I think his
experience of death was probably very differentthan my mom getting a chemotherapy treatment hours
before dying. With just stuck onthis hope. If you have any few
words of advice for people who maybe dealing with a loved one who has
(36:19):
a terminal diagnosis, if you couldgive them three quick things of advice,
what would it be? I think, say the truth and how you're feeling
to your loved one or to yourselfor to someone else. Just say the
truth of how you're feeling, becauseI think that will help connect. I
think people are afraid to say thetruth. The truth might be I'm afraid,
(36:42):
I don't I'm angry, you know, like I said, I'm afraid,
I'm angry, I'm sad. It'sjust really important. I think that
helps you connect, at least toyourself, to your loved one if they're
able, you know, if ifthat person's able to to when you're like
reeling in bed, wondering if you'vedone and now for kids, there more
to do. Ask yourself, ismy loved one who's dying? Are they
(37:05):
clean? Are they safe? Arethey comfortable? You can say yes to
those things, then you've done agood job, and that really is all
you need to do. And inhospice you can have a comfortable death.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, And there's a lot of doing in
our culture we do do do dodo do do do do, And really
hospice in life is more about beingso just being with your loved one,
(37:28):
and that's uncomfortable, specifically when you'realready uncomfortable because emotionally it's hard. Yeah,
so because it feels uncomfortable and it'shard to be around your loved one
who's dying. You turn in alot of people turn into this doom mode.
I gotta do this, I gottado that, And then at nighttime,
when they're laying quietly, it's hardfor your brain to shut off that
(37:51):
I do enough. I didn't doenough. Just remember, are they clean?
Are they safe? Are they comfortable? And if you can say yes,
then you're good. And if youcan't say yes, because a lot
of people will say, well,we can't, then you can do something.
Then you can do something. Thenyou can do something. You call
the hospice company, you call thedoctor. You know, you do something.
And we should also remind people dyingis not quick, right right,
and it's not black and white.I love living in the black and white.
(38:15):
I love knowing exactly what I'm supposedto do, when to do it,
how long it's going to take.And that is not how death works.
It's very gray. It's very gray, and it takes what it takes.
My dad was in that hospital bedin the living room for five weeks.
Took five weeks. And I willadd a third for you, yes,
because I lived it. Take breaksso that your brain can deal with
(38:37):
the stress and get little breaks fromit so you will avoid caregiver burnout.
So one night a friend flew infrom La I've been sitting by his bed
for a good three weeks at thatpoint, and he actually said, take
your friend out tonight. There's anew casino over there on the Quebec side.
Go gamble girls, go have somefun. And we went out and
(38:58):
for a few hours, I forgotmy pain and sadness, and I actually
came back and was a better caregiverto my dad exactly, because that take
breaks when you need to for yourbrain and ask for help, ask for
help. It's so hard. We'realso individualistic, and it's like you think
you can't or be too hard to, or there's no one you know.
(39:20):
This is an all hands on deckkind of time and ask for help.
Yeah, hospice nurse Julie, Isay it clearly. There's an at sign
in front of it at hospice NurseJulie. I want you to follow her
online. I want you to gether amazing book, Nothing to Fear.
My Julio sits there going are youreally going to sleep reading a book about
death and dying? And I say, it's the happiest most joyful book I've
(39:44):
written in a long time. I'veread in a long time. I should
have written it. I guess itis just a beautiful book. I'm so
happy for your success on social media. I'm so happy, hospice nurse Julie,
that you are spreading this good newsabout how a very normal part of
life can be something we can allnot just accept but take joyfully and with
(40:07):
greater understanding. Right, thank youfor coming to the studio. I appreciate
it. Thank you for having me, and thank you for listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I amhere every Sunday from seven to nine pm.
Thanks for listening to the Doctor WendyWall Show here on KFI AM six
forty and live everywhere on the iHeartRadioapp. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy
(40:28):
Walsh. You can always hear uslive on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytimeon demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show.
I'd like to welcome now my Instagramaudience. You are now in the
studio with us on Instagram. I'mabout to take people's calls. The number
is one eight hundred five two zeroone five three four. That's one eight
(00:24):
hundred and five two zero one KFI. Give us a call. Producer Kayla
will screen the call and if youhave a relationship question. Reminder to everybody,
I'm not a therapist. I'm apsychology professor, but I have written
three books on relationships and my dissertationwas on attachment theory and hey, for
what it's worth, let me weighin on your love life. All right.
(00:45):
The number is one eight hundred fivetwo zero one five three four.
Okay, Producer Kayla, who dowe have on the line. We have
Steve with the question. Steve.Hello, Steve, it's doctor Wendy.
Well. Hi Dot to Wendy.I'm a huge fan and a huge and
how nice here I am? I'mglad. Okay, yeah, well this
is the thing. I'm financially independent. I'm sixty years old and I met
(01:08):
a wonderful woman on bumble like youdid. Oh nice, I'm been a
man and six weeks in si relationshipthings were going great. I have a
second home on Ogrean Coast and Iinvite her there and then as a blue
she just decided that we were incompatibleand she just blocked me on everything.
(01:30):
And then I tried to reach outto her and that was a bad idea
and then she was firing, likeyou know it was. There's no way
to connectle with her, so Ihad no closure. And it's just awful.
Steve. I know, first ofall, I have twenty girlfriends who
want to fix you up with Letme just say that right now. You
fit the profile of everybody I know. So let me just say this.
So, Steve, you described yourselfas being sixty financially independent, You met
(01:55):
this great woman, you go outfor six weeks, and all of a
sudden she goes to you and shedidn't give you any closure or any information.
I want everyone to hear this,because no matter who you are or
how old you are. Being ghostedis so injurious because you're left wondering was
it something I said? And Steve, if it's any consolation, it's happened
(02:16):
to me many times. Okay,like people just they don't have the emotional
intelligence, the emotional strength to beable to talk about what's really going on.
So I want you the first thingI want you to do, Steve,
to help heal yourself in this senseis just tell yourself that you dodged
(02:38):
a bullet, because being in arelationship with somebody who can't talk about their
feelings is never good, right,So you should be doing the touchdown cheer
that she took off instead of draggedyou through the mud for a long time.
And also, when you're feeling ata loss, surround yourself by people
who do love you, your family, your friends, your colleagues, so
you can get your mojo back andremember who you are. By the way,
(03:01):
did she you said you reached outand contacted her, Did she give
you any or was she kind ofrude and cryptic? She just very quickly
said, you know we're not compatible, you know, you know, we
just not not on the same page, And I'm like, we have a
great time together. I mean,we had fantastic dates and you were,
(03:23):
you know, getting kissing on meand you know, and then we waited
to have sex like a month,which is so you had already entered into
a sexual relationship and she disappeared interesting. Yeah, and she hadn't orgasm,
yeah, and you felt there wasa good experience for her. So there's
something like a bad sexual incompatibility.So it's just a bummer. And now
(03:47):
I'm thinking, you know, Idon't know I how you want to go
back on it? You do haveto, And let me tell you this
that finding a great mate is alittle bit of an endurance test to go
through a bunch of bad mates toget there. If you look back and
assess what happened in order to preserveyourself, is there anything you would have
(04:08):
done to slow things down? Isthere anything that you could do next time?
Use it for what you could doin the future. But Steve,
get on back there and send mea DM. I got some girlfriends,
but would love to meet you,all right, Producer, Kayla, who
do we have next? We haveJordan? Jordan Jordan, Hello, Jordan,
(04:30):
It's doctor Wendy Hey, how youdoing, Doc? Good? Hey
Jordan, I just want to sayreally quick to my Instagram audience who are
watching, they're only hearing one halfof the conversation. I do try to
repeat the question, but if youdo want to hear both sides, download
the iHeartRadio app and then you canhear both on the Doctor Wendy Well Show.
Okay, Jordan, go ahead,what's your question? Love? Yeah?
So I have been loving and listeningto this for a great advice and
(04:54):
as I get back into dating formyself, I started entertaining a young lady
and and gone on a couple ofdates, and you know, we kind
of text here and there. ButI think what I'm most nervous about is
how much is too much over communicatingor undercommunicating when you're first trying to get
to know somebody. Oh what agood question. I'm glad you're thinking about
(05:17):
that. So Jordan's question is howmuch is too much communication or under communication
when you're first getting to know somebody. So if you've gone on a couple
dates, I would say that thecontact should start to be consistent. Now,
I'll tell you what women hate.Women hate men that text all the
time and never set up a date. They feel like he's got a roster
of women that he's just keeping inthe corral through texting. So I would
(05:41):
say that the purpose of your textingshouldn't be just how is your day?
Like, don't have the relationship throughtext, but really like, hey,
I had a good time seeing youlast week. You mentioned that you're into
whatever musical artists or whatever sport orwhatever. Would you like to see if
I could get tickets to that?Right, Like, we love real questions
with real plans in text instead ofjust checking in with a high how are
(06:05):
you? Did you have a goodday? It feels wasteful to us.
It's not relationship building. Now ifyou're not the way you gauge how much
is too much communication is their response? So if you write two or three
sentences and they don't respond for twentyfour hours and they respond with two words,
(06:27):
you've been given your information. Right. I always say, everybody gets
not three two times up at bat, two times up at bat, and
then you strike out, So youmight send one more text and if again
they're lazy, then just move away. You don't even have to say anything,
just kind of move away and seeif they come back. You're looking
for reciprocity, You're looking for somebodyto mirror the level that you're doing.
(06:48):
But if you've only dated somebody oneor two times, texting every single day?
And how are you tonight? Love? Where are you? Wait?
No? Way too much, waytoo much, too soon, But use
it for making plans, Jordan,luck to you. I'm so excited for
started dating somebody. All right,Producer, Kayla, who do we have?
Now we have Jennifer with a question. Jennifer, Hi, Jennifer,
it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctorWendy. So I've been dating. I've
(07:13):
been since it's been about two yearssince i've been divorced. And I'll tell
you it's really hard to find chemistry. It is, but I found someone
who is a little bit younger thanwhat I normally date, and but we
we do. We have chemistry connectioncommunication, which is huge. Like you
just said, how many years betweenthe two of you? So five,
(07:35):
he's five years. But I've beentapping into my new dating pool is older
and I'm forty five, and soI like the mid fifties. It's just
been I like that, but I'mthey're lacking. So the forty five year
old or I'm sorry. The fortyyear old is the one that I have
chemistry with, but he's lacking mindsetand ambition at the level that I used
(07:58):
to. But we've been seeing eachother for a few months now, and
it's hard because I feel like it'sbeen We've had two incidents where we've had
a misalignment and something's gone down andhe retracts for two three days instead of
talking. Oh yeah, I thoughtyou had said he had good communication,
but he retreats. And these arethe two times, and the last ones
(08:20):
have happened yesterday after a barbecue.Yes, and I actually reached out this
morning and said, hey, Iknow we need to talk. Call me
and I haven't heard And this thesecond time, and it's really disappointing because
he's the one that I have connectionand chemistry with, which is hard to
find with the other. So whatI would do, I'm a big believer
in commenting on sort of the dynamic. Instead of like, hey, like,
(08:45):
reach on and call me whatever,I would say something like I noticed
I haven't heard from you, andI'm wondering, you know, sort of
like I'm wondering, how do Ifind the words to say something like where
you learned to put distance when there'sa little bit of discomfort and just something
I'd like, do you want themto start to think about their patterns without
(09:09):
really blaming them? So you're kindof like not, like, so is
this how you fight because you don'twant to text? Is hard? You
know, if you had, ifyou could get on the phone, you
could say something like, hey,you know, I come from a kind
of family when there's a little bitof a rupture that we want to talk
about it and have some resolution.But it sounds like you have a different
(09:30):
way when you express you know,and they might not even be aware that
they have this pattern, right,and so and I'm sorry, how long
did you say you're You've been seeinghim three months? Yeah, so this
is the time, right, it'slike lessing to have his idea go monogamous.
We literally were just going to havethat talk this weekend and then this
(09:52):
happened. Uh and what was therupture at the barbecue? So we were
going and he said, we're ongoing to stay for a little bit.
I think we didn't have the sameplans on timing. And I said,
okay, good. I wasn't reallyfeeling well he said, we're only going
to stay for a little bit.I said, okay, can we have
a word to be able to getout, like a code word or something,
you know, I was trying toprevent case on that feeling well and
(10:13):
my first time meeting is friends,and so said, we'll just text me,
just text me and I'll look atmy text and I say okay.
So after three hours there, Isaid I'm ready to go, and I
texted him. He said, well, let's do another forty five minutes.
And I'm like, okay. Wellforty five minutes turned into an hour and
a half. Okay, So ata time an hour and a half,
(10:35):
I was thinking exit plan, DoI need an uber and leave? This
is going to be rude, Andfinally he said okay, let's go.
So in the car I was upset. Yeah, you have every reason to
be upset because you were not.It was a bid for care. You
were feeling under the weather. You'dhad a deal that he broke. He
broke the contract, right, hehad a contract with you that said I
will take care of your needs.Just send me a text when you're ready
to go. I think three hoursis plenty amount. I thought you were
(10:58):
going to say so. About twentyminutes into I said, so, what
you've learned about him? This isn'treally just about communication. This is about
him being unable to care for you. So. I know you say it's
hard, Jennifer, but dating isan endurance test. You might have to
move along on this one. Thisis your old auntie talking to you right
now. I don't think he cancome around if he's not taking care of
(11:20):
your needs and what you needed.I'm so sorry. When we come back,
I'm going to continue to take yourcalls and answer your relationship questions.
The numbers one eight hundred five twozero one five three four. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one KFIyou are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
(11:41):
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand fromKFI AM six forty. I Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walshwith you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show, and I am takingyour calls. Hi Producer, Kayla,
who do we have, hi,Doctor Wendy, we have heaven with the
question Kevin Hi, Kevin Eavin.It's doctor Wendy. Are you there?
(12:05):
Hit that button? Kayla, yes, Hi, what's your question? Love?
Quick? Background? My wife andI've been there in about thirty two
years. My daughter congratulations. Nowfor her first thank you her. We're
going to meet her significant other forthe first time. They lived back east
and this is her first really seriousrelationship. And I was just wondering what
(12:28):
topics not to dress or go intoand maybe you have a suggestment something to
maybe ask? Good question. Okay, So how old are they? Uh,
thirty and thirty one? I believethey're full on grown ups. And
how long have they been together?Just under a year? Oh good,
(12:50):
okay, so it's time. It'stime. So here's the thing. He's
going to be nervous as heck,absolutely nervous and meeting his girls, and
he's excited and all that, buthe's nervous. Your job at this stage
only is to build rapport. Rememberwhat Shakespeare said, keep your friends close
(13:11):
and your enemy's closer. You don'tactually know what he's going to be yet,
you're not really sure how he's gonnatreat her, but you want to
have rapport and a relationship so thatyou can really see what's going on.
If he feels uncomfortable, then he'sgoing to say next time, you know,
if we're going back, Wes,I don't want to stay at your
parents' house, or he's gonna havea lot of influence on how much you
(13:31):
get to see your daughter and everythingelse. So at the beginning, all
about hey, so where are youfrom, and what do your parents do?
And tell me about this? Whatsports team you're looking for? Commonality
and rapport building, and to keephim feeling calm and relaxed. He knows
he's going to be investigated by you. He knows you're quietly checking him out.
(13:52):
How are you treating my daughter?Is what you're thinking in your head,
But you can't let that out atthe beginning. You got to keep
it just and friendly and warm andrapport building because your job is to try
to make everybody feel comfortable. Downthe road, if he hangs around,
you'll get more information. At thebeginning, just make him feel comfortable because
(14:13):
he's nervous, Kevin, he's nervousto meet you. Well, thank you
so much, thank you very much, thank you for calling. All right,
producing Kayla, who do we have? Now? We have Doug with
a question. Okay, all theguys call in today. Hi Doug,
it's doctor Wendy. How are yougood? What's your question? Love?
(14:33):
You know, I listened to yourshow for some time, and I have
heard you talk about like some ofthe negative traits that men have as far
as relationships go, and women havea lot of bad ones too, By
the way, yes, of course, but I wondered, how would someone
foster the good behaviors or how wouldsomeone find out what good behaviors are for
(14:58):
that matter. You know, maybesomeone has never been shown the correct way.
You want to know something funny,I wrote a book back in nineteen
ninety eight called The Boyfriend Test,How do We Evaluate him before you Lose
your Heart? And I got somany emails from men saying, thank you
so much. This was the bestcheat sheet now I know how to behave
(15:20):
And it was kind of a ninetyday probation test. You know. The
point is, if you are whatI would call a good guy, right,
a high value mate, then you'regoing to have self esteem and boundaries
so you're able to say no ifshe looks like she's a little crazy and
asking you to do things you don'twant to do, but you're also what
(15:43):
is a relationship. A relationship isan exchange of care, and that care
can make take all kinds of forms. But I don't know. If you
heard the caller who called in earlier, you know she's feeling under the weather.
She was going to barbecue with hisfriends and said, what's our code
when I feel like I really needto go? He said, just send
me a text. She did,and he wasn't interested in leaving, so
(16:03):
he wasn't caring for her. Sobeing a good person, no matter what
your gender, is responding to someone'sbids for care. If someone says you're
asking a woman out and you sayI'll come pick you up and she says
no, I actually prefer to bringmy own car, then respect her.
She's saying, hey, I don'tfeel safe with you yet you're not my
(16:25):
safe person, And go, oh, I totally understand. Can I reimburse
you for your uber or whatever rightor your childcare? Think about what you
can do to make someone feel special, But at the same time, you
don't want to fall into the trapof being such a mister nice guy that
you become a doormat, right,which means you have to have your own
(16:45):
self esteem. I often said Isaid this in my book to Boyfriend Test.
We love guys that have a plan. Confusing to women is a guy
who calls us or texts us andsays, hey, you want to go
out sometime. You're kind of interesting. I'm like, ough, what's special
about that? But if there's aguy who's going places, who has his
(17:07):
own life, who's busy, wewant to jump on his wagon. Right.
So if he sends a text thatsays, hey, I got two
tickets to the Dodgers on Friday nightat eight o'clock, do you want to
go? That's like saying I'm goinganyway, you want to come with me?
If not, there's somebody else.You don't say that, But that's
what the implication is. Here arethe things I'm doing. Want to come
(17:30):
along, which is a whole differentthing. Then I don't know, what
do you like to eat? Whatdo you want? Right? So,
you want to show this self confidence, you want to show this self esteem,
but you also want to respect theirbids for care, if they want
their own transportation, if they,you know, want to leave early,
(17:52):
it's you have to respect that.And it's just about mutual respect is what
it is. But anyway, I'msure there are used copies of the boyfriend
test on somewhere out there. Ithink I think I posted an updated version
on my Patreon. In fact,you can go to patreon dot com slash
doctor Wendy Walls if you want tocome into my patreon private world. But
thank you for calling Doug. Allright, I do not want to neglect
(18:15):
my social media, So let mego to social media and see who's got
some questions here. Dear doctor Wendy. Am I wrong for telling my girlfriend
to limit touching other men? Hmm? She always gives out hugs and it
makes me uncomfortable, she says,I'm being controlling. Is it controlling or
(18:36):
just wanting respect? Ooh ooh.The fact you word it just wanting respect
is kind of interesting to me.I'd have to see the kind of hugs.
Do they linger too long? Isit a whole body hug or is
it just a shoulder and chest anda little pat on the back? I
mean it's kind of hug as partof it. And are you doing it
(18:57):
for the respect or is it thatyou don't want her to mislead or be
suggestive with those men? Are youfeeling lower self esteem because you're worried that
because she gives a man a hug? And again, I don't know those
situations. If it is is asocial situation and you see someone at a
party and it's a friend, youdo lean in and give him a little
(19:18):
hug. It's all about the kindof hug. Are you threatened by that?
Can you know that she loves you, she's with you? Right?
You don't have to feel threatened byit, all right, Dear doctor Wendy.
I found out my boyfriend is goingto ask me to move in with
him. I don't think I wantthat. I love having our own places.
(19:41):
I don't want him to think I'mnot taking this relationship seriously, and
I know he will. How canI reject his offer without making him feel
rejected? You can't, all right? So the question really is why are
you in this relationship if you don'twant it to move forward? Now?
I don't know how long you've beentogether. If your boyfriend's going to ask
you this and you've been dating threemonths, I'd say, oh, you're
(20:02):
right, slow it down. Soyour answer is going to be, you
know what, dude, I loveyou. This is great I like where
it's going, but it's a littletoo early for this question. On the
other hand, if you've been datingtwo years and have your own apartment and
I don't know if you've had theconversation about marriage and kids or moving in
or whatever, then I'd question whyyou want to leave him hanging in limbough
(20:22):
because relationships tend to go somewhere,and the best relationships get completely committed.
So just going to say that,Uh, dear doctor Wendy, when is
love not enough? I've been withmy husband for thirteen years and I feel
we have love and it's history.But is that enough to spend the rest
(20:44):
of my life with him? Iam fifty three? Okay, So here's
the thing. Two issues here.One is love changes. So if you
think the early excitement of all thoseexciting neurotransmitters that are in the dopamine and
the neurop enough frunt of an oxytocinand that cocktail of deliciousness of lust,
that's not coming back with this guy. Ever, however, it gets replaced
(21:07):
with something more meaningful, something moreconnected. It sounds to me like you
guys are not connected. Right,So before I just jump ship, I
go to therapy and try to workon the relationship and then see if you're
ready to move on. When wecome back, I have a very special
guest. I'm so excited about her. I've wanted to have her on this
(21:29):
show for so long and she ishere in the studio. Hospice noose nurse.
Why do I say news, Hospicenurse Julie. Listen. If you're
planning on exiting the planet at theend of your days, not today,
not tomorrow, or if you havea loved one who has a terminal illness,
you are never going to meet amore joyful nurse talking about how great
(21:51):
the process of yes dying can be. You're listening to the Doctor Weddy Walls
Show and k I Am six fortyWe Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome
back to the Doctor Wendy Well Showon KFI AM six forty, Live Everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. I amgoing to introduce a guest now, who's
(22:15):
a very special guest. Special becauseI feel like I know her really well,
but we've actually only met live inthe studio right now. I want
everybody to say hello to Nurse Julie. Hi, Julie, Hello, thanks
for having me. You're gonna tellthe people how we know each other.
(22:36):
My fingers are making quotation marks.We are TikTok friends. We are friends
on TikTok ye. She has millionsof followers, built millions of followers during
the pandemic. Nurse Julie is ahospice palliative care nurse with more than fifteen
years of experience. And one ofthe things she does really well stem stay
(22:59):
tuned for that is she very positivelyand joyfully educates us about death and dying
and it is an event that isgoing to affect all of us. First
of all, no one's getting outof here live, just one to remind
you. But also we may losefamily members along the way, and she
demystifies the whole process. So thankyou for being with us today. I
(23:25):
do want to say, Nurse Juliebefore I go too far, that your
new book, she has a bookout is coming out right or is out
baby, It's called Nothing to Fearby Julie McFadden, r N. Hospice
Nurse Julie. That's her tag athospice Nurse Julie. You should follow her.
She's so uplifting. I know I'mtalking about death and I'm saying uplifting.
(23:45):
Anyway, the book is out now. I do recommend it for everybody's
easy, breezy read. You canget on my night table. Just want
to tell you that. So letme start at the beginning. Why of
all the areas of nursing, andyou started out in the ICU doing heroic
things, saving life lives, whydid you choose end of life stuff?
Well, that is exactly why,because I was an ICU nurse. So
(24:07):
when I was a new nurse,a little baby nurse, I thought,
the ICU is the only place I'dever want to work. It's in my
mind the best. You know,I'll learn the most. I'll see the
craziest things in Hollywood. That's true. I did. I did see all
the things when I learned a bunchof things, and one of the things
I learned was that preserving life atall costs, which is what we do
(24:30):
in the ICU for the most part. There's definitely good happening there as well,
but like we will preserve life atall costs, and it causes suffering,
suffering, suffering, suffering, andthere were times when we really missed
the mark as medical professionals. AndI just thought after a few years of
being an ICU nurse, and Istill stayed a few more years after this
(24:52):
moment, but you know, therewas a moment as an ICU nurse where
I was like, I can't keepdoing this. I can't keep doing this.
And there are a few patients inparticular, some of who I speak
about in my book. The firstcouple chapters are about my ICU experience and
what patients kind of change the trajectoryof my career. And it's because I
finally spoke up about what we weredoing. You know, I no one
(25:15):
was purposely doing it, but wewere keeping people alive for and they were
suffering, and they were suffering,and they were suffering. Yeah, so
that unpopular with some of the ICUworkers. No, because I spoke.
So I don't think so generally speakingthankfully on social media, I feel like
generally people are nice to me,Thank God, look at you. It
(25:36):
doesn't always happen to me that way, you know. I want to share
something My mother, My mother andmy father died in one year, when
I was thirty, my mother diedof breast cancer that had spread to her
lungs. And I don't have totell you what it's like the end,
when your lungs are so full offluid, you're drowning in your own fluid.
And she had asked for a chemotherapytreatment the day she died. She
(25:57):
was fighting to the end. Iwas here in La flying back as often
as I could. All my familywas just listening to the doctors. More
treatments, more treates. Hope,hope, hope, keep hope alive,
keep hope alive. And my dadcalled me and said, hey, you
might want to come home this weekendbecause your mom could use some cheering up.
I get there, Thank god Igot there when I did, and
(26:18):
she died thirty minutes later. Shewas on death's door, and everybody was
oblivious to it. You talk aboutfamily situations like this that they're all so
shocked. You do the opposite withhospice care. You prepare them for the
stages, right, correct, Yes, how do you do that? We
(26:38):
speak openly about what the truth ofthe matter is, which is you will
die. You know you will die. I think it's really important to use
language like that, specifically when someonereally I mean, we're all dying,
like you said, and I thinkand we do. People are really really
big disservice when we are too afraidto talk about it, you know,
so people pass the buck a lot. And I don't mean to sit here
(27:00):
and try to blame other healthcare workers. You know, everyone's doing their best,
and a lot of health care workers, especially in the hospital, don't
have a lot of time to havethese really hard conversations when families, when
certain families are clearly not ready tohear it, you know, they give
off the vibe of like, we'renot going to say the word hospice or
(27:22):
death or end of life, butwe still but we need to have those
conversations. And I feel like it'sa little easier on hospice because they're already
coming to us, right they alreadysomewhat know that the end may be near.
But even in the ICU, Iwould try to do that. I
would try to do that because weowe it to our patients. Now.
The thinking always was traditionally that ifyou tell a patient they're dying, they'll
(27:42):
die. If you say you havethree months to live, they'll last three
months because life is a self fulfillingprophecy. Sometimes you think there's a lot
of wasted hope out there when theycould be doing other things with the dying
process, like what like well letme let me when you keep saying hope.
(28:02):
I love that because I think ingeneral, generally speaking, we need
to start thinking about life and deathand hope in like to me, hope
doesn't necessarily equal life forever because whereno one's going to live forever, We're
not going to live forever. Sowith that knowledge, how do you want
to live? How do you wantto live the rest of your life?
(28:23):
And I think people need to knowthey're going to die, even you and
I sitting here, who may nothave terminal diagnosis right now, right or
ever, who knows, but we'restill going to die. And I think
there's there's there's hope in knowing that, because if we can truly understand that,
we can live out the rest ofour life. And I mean that
(28:44):
with all sincerity, Like I thinkpeople think it's cheesy, but I mean
that. I really feel like anyonecontemplating their own mortality will help them live
better. And one of the thingsthat I know that many of these people,
once they accept that they're dying,do is spend time nurturing their relationships.
Yeah, talk about that. Yeah, I think people who well,
(29:08):
how about this. People I've seenwitnessed this over and over again on hospice,
people who were willing to admit theywere dying, say the truth about
how they felt about their not evenif it wasn't pretty right, even if
they were like, I don't wantto I'm angry, this isn't going to
happen, they still seem to liveout their life better and die more peacefully,
(29:29):
and they spend it with their families, and they had truthful and honest
conversations, They connected with people,they had better symptom control, even physically
symptom management control. And they becausethey had those quote unquote good you know
last few months, connecting with lovedones or doing it whatever it is they
want to do right doesn't have tonecessarily be connection with people. They did
(29:52):
seem to live better and die better. You know, we have to go
to break but when we come back, I want to talk about get into
the nitty gritty of the symptoms ofdying, and especially the one I'm most
excited about, the rally when wecome back. My guest is hospice nurse
Julie. You should follow her online. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh
Show on KFI AM six forty.We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(30:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome
back to the Doctor Wendy Wallh Showon KFI AM six forty. I am
Doctor Wendy Walsh, and I amthrilled to be setting across from hospice Noose
nurse, not a noose. Youdon't have a noose. There's no newses
in hospice. Hospice Nurse Julie.The book is called Nothing to Fear.
(30:37):
You can get it everywhere online.And she's demystifying death for us. Okay,
let's get into the nitty gritty.One of your TikTok videos that really
I did like one of those noteto self, don't forget this is that
when a dying person stops eating ordrinking, the family members often want to
put an intervenous in their arm andpump them full of fluids. You say,
(31:00):
this can hurt them, right,right, dehydration at the end of
life is good. Is actually goodbecause a dying body knows how to die.
We are built to die. Wehave biological things built in our in
our in our bodies to help usdie, and one of those things is
being dehydrated actually helps us. Andeven if because families will say I don't
(31:26):
believe you, I don't believe you, and they will, they'll they'll put
they won't put it, but theythey'll have the hospital, our doctors or
whoever, put in the IV andhydrate their loved one. And even if
they do that, it won't doanything. So it won't do what it
would do. Does it cause pain? It could actually cause pain, Yes,
because the fluid will not stay whereit's supposed to do, which is
intravascular and intravascularly hydrating the person makingthem feel better. It won't do that.
(31:52):
It will It will seep out oftheir of their vascular system, causing
a edema, and then eventually they'reheart can't pump that fluid and it will
go into their lungs, oh,causing respiratory distress. So that's what my
mother was in when she dies,grab the oxygen mask and grabbing it and
trying to figure get more oxygen insomehow exactly. Oh, so the drier
(32:15):
you are, the better you willdie. You actually go into ketosis releases
in Doorphins Doll's pain makes you feeleuphoric. I'm in kytosis right now.
Actually, I kind of feel thatway. Different kind, okay, different
kind. Yes, So let's talkalso about the death stare and people seeing
loved ones. Do you believe there'sanother side after everything you've seen? So
(32:39):
personally yes? Now, now doI feel like that's something that I don't
ever need. I never want topush my beliefs on people. So what
I like to do is just educateabout the deathbed phenomenon, which is chapter
six in my book, that happensto almost everyone at the end of life
(32:59):
has some form of what I'm talkingabout. So all I like to say
is and most most people that workan end of life care will will also
say this is like, I don'tknow what it means, but it happens.
And the things that happen are thingslike we call it visioning, So
visioning where people see dead relatives,dead loved ones, dead pets. There's
(33:22):
death stare, Like you said,so I see it all the time.
Patients will be talking to you dada da da da da da da and
suddenly look off into the distance,stare into the corner. You cannot get
their attention no matter what you do. Sometimes they'll smile, Sometimes they'll say
hi, mom, what are youdoing here? Sometimes they'll reach their arms
up. That's called the death reach. And it just happens so often that
(33:45):
it's something we literally have to educateabout because families will see it and get
freaked out. You know, whatare they saying? What are they doing?
Why are they doing this? SoI think, you know, I
do believe that there is an afterlife, but that's not really why educated about
it. I just educated about sopeople understand that it's a normal thing.
It's something that we can't explain thathappens all the time. So I mentioned
(34:07):
that both my parents died in onesingle calendar year and ten months apart,
and my dad, having just nursedmy mother to death, chose a different
route and he decided to die athome. In Canada, with socialized medicine,
you can have a night nurse.You get a twelve hour shift every
day, so your family members duringthe day a night nurse for twelve hours
at night. They bring a hospitalbed right into the living room. They
(34:30):
put a morphine belt on the wholething, and he did have we'll talk
about the death rally in a minute. He hadn't eaten in weeks and weeks,
and some people came over to visitand he sat up and had a
cup of tea and a biscuit withthem and had this little rally. But
when he was hallucinating, as wecalled it, with the new morphine and
everything. Now you should know,my dad was an introverted, very polite,
(34:52):
diplomatic gentleman, that is what Iwould call him. And so probably
for him to you have to expressfeelings or to be in a vulnerable state
where his body's falling apart, wouldbe difficult. So he talked about it
in military terms. He's retired Navy, and he would say, there's a
threat to national security. We needto tell the commander right now, there's
(35:15):
a threat to national security. Hekept saying that, and we said,
okay, we'll tell the commander,just tell us what we need to tell
him. And he was really upsetabout this, but I feel like it
was a metaphor for his own internalnational security being threatened by all of this.
Isn't that interesting? People die theway they lived. I'm telling you,
I'm telling you, and I willsay that when the night nurse who
(35:36):
took care of my dad at nightand he would bathe him in the morning
before, he said, when you'retaking care of dying people, you can
always tell who they were, becausethey'd become like infants and you know their
real personality. And he said,your dad was just such an elegant gentleman.
He would always say, oh,thank you very much, and oh,
I'm so sorry I can't lift myhip there, and oh, and
(35:57):
he was just so polite all theway through, all the way to death.
He was just a polite man,you know. But I think his
experience of death was probably very differentthan my mom getting a chemotherapy treatment hours
before dying. With just stuck onthis hope. If you have any few
words of advice for people who maybe dealing with a loved one who has
(36:19):
a terminal diagnosis, if you couldgive them three quick things of advice,
what would it be? I think, say the truth and how you're feeling
to your loved one or to yourselfor to someone else. Just say the
truth of how you're feeling, becauseI think that will help connect. I
think people are afraid to say thetruth. The truth might be I'm afraid,
(36:42):
I don't I'm angry, you know, like I said, I'm afraid,
I'm angry, I'm sad. It'sjust really important. I think that
helps you connect, at least toyourself, to your loved one if they're
able, you know, if ifthat person's able to to when you're like
reeling in bed, wondering if you'vedone and now for kids, there more
to do. Ask yourself, ismy loved one who's dying? Are they
(37:05):
clean? Are they safe? Arethey comfortable? You can say yes to
those things, then you've done agood job, and that really is all
you need to do. And inhospice you can have a comfortable death.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, And there's a lot of doing in
our culture we do do do dodo do do do do, And really
hospice in life is more about beingso just being with your loved one,
(37:28):
and that's uncomfortable, specifically when you'realready uncomfortable because emotionally it's hard. Yeah,
so because it feels uncomfortable and it'shard to be around your loved one
who's dying. You turn in alot of people turn into this doom mode.
I gotta do this, I gottado that, And then at nighttime,
when they're laying quietly, it's hardfor your brain to shut off that
(37:51):
I do enough. I didn't doenough. Just remember, are they clean?
Are they safe? Are they comfortable? And if you can say yes,
then you're good. And if youcan't say yes, because a lot
of people will say, well,we can't, then you can do something.
Then you can do something. Thenyou can do something. You call
the hospice company, you call thedoctor. You know, you do something.
And we should also remind people dyingis not quick, right right,
and it's not black and white.I love living in the black and white.
(38:15):
I love knowing exactly what I'm supposedto do, when to do it,
how long it's going to take.And that is not how death works.
It's very gray. It's very gray, and it takes what it takes.
My dad was in that hospital bedin the living room for five weeks.
Took five weeks. And I willadd a third for you, yes,
because I lived it. Take breaksso that your brain can deal with
(38:37):
the stress and get little breaks fromit so you will avoid caregiver burnout.
So one night a friend flew infrom La I've been sitting by his bed
for a good three weeks at thatpoint, and he actually said, take
your friend out tonight. There's anew casino over there on the Quebec side.
Go gamble girls, go have somefun. And we went out and
(38:58):
for a few hours, I forgotmy pain and sadness, and I actually
came back and was a better caregiverto my dad exactly, because that take
breaks when you need to for yourbrain and ask for help, ask for
help. It's so hard. We'realso individualistic, and it's like you think
you can't or be too hard to, or there's no one you know.
(39:20):
This is an all hands on deckkind of time and ask for help.
Yeah, hospice nurse Julie, Isay it clearly. There's an at sign
in front of it at hospice NurseJulie. I want you to follow her
online. I want you to gether amazing book, Nothing to Fear.
My Julio sits there going are youreally going to sleep reading a book about
death and dying? And I say, it's the happiest most joyful book I've
(39:44):
written in a long time. I'veread in a long time. I should
have written it. I guess itis just a beautiful book. I'm so
happy for your success on social media. I'm so happy, hospice nurse Julie,
that you are spreading this good newsabout how a very normal part of
life can be something we can allnot just accept but take joyfully and with
(40:07):
greater understanding. Right, thank youfor coming to the studio. I appreciate
it. Thank you for having me, and thank you for listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I amhere every Sunday from seven to nine pm.
Thanks for listening to the Doctor WendyWall Show here on KFI AM six
forty and live everywhere on the iHeartRadioapp. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy
(40:28):
Walsh. You can always hear uslive on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytimeon demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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