May 20, 2024 • 34 mins
Dr. Wendy is talking about love. Four signs, that you've found true love. We are also talking color therapy. Is it a real thing? Dr. Wendy is breaking it down. Diviroce is on the rise, how can you be there for a friend going through divorce? We got some tips. PLUS texting in a relationship should come with rules. Dr. Wendy has her rules for texting in a relationship. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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(00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app AFI Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
I want you to sit back becausefor the next two hours we are
going to talk about love, notjust love between lovers, love between friends,
(00:22):
love between colleagues, hopefully not breakingany boundaries with you know, HR
departments, but also just good healthyrelationships. And you know where our romantic
relationships begin. They actually begin inthe earliest time of our life, in
the first few years. It isour primary relationship with our parents that become
(00:46):
a kind of model for love thatwe take into our adult romantic world.
Producer Kayla, we have you withme, of course there you are good
to see you too, Doctor Wendy. I have to tell you the cutestl
story because I say that love startsby parents having a good, solid relationship
with kids, but also teaching thememotional language. This morning, I happened
(01:07):
to be up at my farm andwe got two new baby lambs that came
during the night. They're both black, but the mom was white. Seat
sheep are fascinating anyway. They alittle three year old was staying with my
Airbnb with his parents and he Ilet him pick up the baby lamb and
he was holding it and being sucha good little boy about it, and
then felt the hoof scratch his armand thought the lamb was gonna hurt him,
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so suddenly dropped. There's baby lambon the ground. Luckily, when
you're three years old, it's nota far way down. And the mother
was fabulous. She said that hurtthe baby lamb. I know you were
scared. I know you felt nervous, but I want you to know because
the kid's like he's gonna hurt me, He's gonna hurt me. I want
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you to know the lamb did notwant to hurt you, and I know
you were scared anyway, but youcan't hold the lamb anymore because we don't
want that to happen again. Soyou see what she did there. She
identified a feeling in the victim,identified the feeling in the assailant, and
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then explained the consequence, No anger, just calm, and wouldn't it be
wonderful if we all had had parentslike that. Instead, we had parents
who said, go to your room, come back when you've changed your attitude,
or you're grounded for a month.But wait, what did I do?
I don't understand. And then wego out on these dates in our
(02:34):
adult romantic life and we accept criticism, we accept the silent treatment, because
this reflects what we might have hadearly in life. The good news to
everybody is that if you go toa good licensed therapist, if you have
an attachment style that's insecure, youcan actually change your attachment style. So
(02:55):
coming up in today's show, Iwant to talk about a little later how
so how you can support a friendwho's going through divorce, because it's very,
very common, and I cannot standit when people use the term a
well, that relationship failed, well, that marriage sure failed, as if
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duration is the only litmus test forrelationship success. Actually, sometimes a short
relationship where you learned very quickly WHOAI made a bad choice, my picker
wasn't working. I got to getout of here instead of hanging in with
a bad relationship forever and ever,it's actually more success to recognize what's going
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on and move along and make abetter choice next time. Listen. Because
of our very long life expectancies,many many people, most people are going
to have two or three long stintsof monogamy. And whenever I say that,
I get a call or a textor an email from somebody who says,
well, my spouse have been andI have been together thirty years or
forty years and we still love eachother. So stop saying that, doctor
(03:59):
Wendy, you know what. Congratulations, this is fabulous. I'm so proud
of you. You have a secureattachment. This is great, and you're
the minority. It's called anecdotal evidence. The truth is, because of our
very long life expectancies, even themost monogamous of humans may find two or
(04:19):
even three long stints of monogamy intheir life span at some point. So
one of the things that drives mecrazy is a term that people use all
the time. I was on someone'spodcast recently and I told them, you
know, I don't really believe insoulmates, and I don't know. This
was one of those Wu wu kindof hippie podcasts. She goes, well,
I do believe in soulmates, andI believe that my husband is my
(04:43):
soulmate. And I realized we werekind of talking about the same thing,
but she just used different language.I like science, and I believe in
the science of love. The reasonwhy I don't like the word soulmate is
it implies like there's only one.It's like the one I met, my
(05:03):
one. But actually no, ifyou have good relationship skills, there are
many many people that you might thinkare soulmates out there. So let's talk
about the four signs according to me, of that, let you know that
it actually is. We'll call ittrue love. Okay, we'll get there.
We'll split the instead of science oflove and says soulmate, we'll split
(05:25):
it in the middle. We'll callit true love. One is you found
your biopsychosocial connection. That means biologically, you're physically attracted to this person.
Psychologically and that means emotionally and intellectuallyyou really feel connected. But don't forget
about the social connection, because loveis social too. Having common values goals
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the joining of your two social worlds. Okay, that's number one. Number
two, you guys totally inspire eachother. You know, every relationship and
every friendship and every person in ourlife enlivens a piece of our personality,
right and if you're lucky enough tobe in a relationship where the best of
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you comes out. You know,heard that thing like you make me a
better man, you make me abetter woman. Well you don't. The
good man is in there, thegood woman's in there. But it is
enlivened when you are in that space. I should say also, not only
inspiring each other is important, butsharing what each other are into, like
we learn from each other. Likemy boyfriend, I never knew anything about
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Formula one. I never knew anythingabout some forms of politics. I never
knew what else is he really into? Oh? Classic cars? But there
I am on Sunday mornings out ofclassic car shows with him. There I
am up early, getting him acup of tea while he watches Formula one
and I'm learning. It's fascinating andhe's learning a lot from me. Number
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three, You get really happy andexcited and joyous when your partner has success,
a good, healthy, true love. There's no competition, all right,
no competition. I remember one timeyears ago telling a guy that I
was dating. He was in therestaurant business, and I was saying,
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oh, you know, I'd liketo have like a little hotel someday,
and I'd like to have like alittle jazz bar that would serve a late
night supper. And he looked atme and said, how would you like
it if I said to you,I want to ankle the evening news.
I'm like, I'd say, that'scool. You want me to introduce you
(07:40):
to some people. But he didn'tget it because he was threatened by my
desire. His low self esteem abouthis success or not got was triggered by
me. When you're in love,you celebrate each other's success because no matter
which partner wins, it's a winfor the team. It's a good thing.
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And number four, to know thatyou have found true love, you've
chosen to stay in love. Sohere's the thing. At the beginning,
you've got all those neuro hormones helpingyou out the lust phase, the passion
phase. You want to be withthem all the time. They smell so
delicious, everything about them is perfect, and after a while you see the
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truth. But your relationship continues togrow and your hormones aren't the driver anymore.
Your big fat brain is. Youget to make a choice. You
get to actively choose to love yourpartner, and that takes a little bit
of work, but not really.You know, my favorite trick when it
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comes to staying in love is tospend every day catching them being good like
you would with a child, insteadof nagging them about what they haven't done.
What have you done for me lately? How about spending some time saying,
I'm going to notice and I'm goingto express gratitude. And when you
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do that, you're actually reminding yourown brain of why you're there. Love
is something that is shaped. Ilike to say love is a verb.
It's an action word, and itis the word to give. It's not
something that happens, it's something that'screated. Now, it's wonderful if you
(09:30):
can start out with a connection withsomebody because you've got a biological, a
psychological and a social match. Butafter that that's gonna all calm down and
you need to do the work oflove, all right when we come back.
Someone recently said to me, youknow, I think I'm going to
go for color therapy, And I'mthinking, is that like Merril Norman and
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they do your colors and you're goingto get your hair colored. No,
no, no, it's a mentalhealth thing. They put colors in front
of your eyes and it changes yourmood, and all of a sudden,
I was reminded that we live inCalifornia and there's all kinds of stuff out
there. So I did a deepdive on the research, and actually,
(10:13):
color therapy is a thing, andit's used in some areas, and there's
lots that's interesting about it, andlots I totally disagree with. Let me
explain when we come back. Youare listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show
on KFI AM six forty. We'relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
(10:35):
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demandfrom KFI AM six forty AFI Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walshwith you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. Let's talk about color. First of all, I have always
felt that, just for me,that the color of a room causes me
(10:56):
to feel a certain way. Andwhen I say the color of a room,
I know there are artists out there, I know there are decorators.
I know there are creative people wholove brightly colored rooms. I do not.
I am one of those people whohas always wanted muted colors or indeed,
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white, white, white, whitewhite. I have white floors,
I have white walls, I havewhite bedding, I have white so white,
and for some reason, I feelcalm when I'm in all white,
all white room. So I thoughtthere's got to be something to this color
therapy we're talking about. By theway, I just want to add one
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other new color in the last coupleyears, and this is green. And
I don't mean decorator green. Imean the color of nature. Now,
I have trouble being in a roomwhere if I look out the window,
I see a city scape instead ofgreen. I just love lush. I
love the spring when the greens arealmost neon green. I love the fall
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when the greens get more muted andadd those oranges and rusts. I'm fine
with it. If it's nature green, I'm good. Yeah. On the
fall they go kind of safe.My greens go sage and eucalyptus looking anyway.
That makes me happy. In fact, my wedd and colors are white,
green, white green. Those aremy colors. So someone recently told
me that there's this thing called colortherapy, and it supposedly uses the color
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the power. If there is sucha thing of color to help support mental
or emotional or even physical well being, and so unlike, you know,
going to remember back of the day, you could go and get your colors
done at like Merril Norman one ofthose places, and they tell you,
oh, if you're a redhead,don't wear pink, and like, yeah,
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we get that. I always thoughtit was kind of silly, but
a lot of people did it.Maybe they don't know how to dress themselves.
I don't know. Some people callcolor therapy colorology. See they give
it a fancy name too. Apparentlyin the California world of holistic and alternative
medicine, they say, if youdo colorology red. The color red is
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used to stimulate your body and mindand increase circulation. The color yellow is
thought to stimulate the nerves and purifyyour body. Orange is used to heal
the lungs and increase your energy levels. Blue is believed to soothe illnesses and
treat pain. Indigo are thought tobe good for skin problems. Okay,
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let's just pause here. Color therapyis considered pseudoscience and even quackery. And
here's why. There's a limited sciencebacked research on this kind of color therapy.
But having said that, humans havetried for a very long time to
make these associations between color and asI told you, I do feel differ
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in a room with muted colors.I know I do. And when I'm
in a busy room with lots ofpatterns and bright colors, I feel like
my brain is I don't know,it's congested, there's too much going on.
So there is research to show thatcolor and light therapy was once practiced
in Egypt, Greece, China,and India back in ancient times. So
(14:24):
it made me start to think maybethis color therapy is kind of like aroma
therapy. Now here's the thing aboutaroma therapy. It works for some people
and not for others. There aresome people who can feel stressed or have
a headache and they can start breathingeucalyptus or lavender, and the next thing
you know, they're in lalla land. It feels so good, and other
people are like, what, it'sjust a smell. I don't know what
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you're talking about. So I hadthis thought that maybe people who react well
to so called color therapy actually havecolor synathesia. Here's what synethesia is.
It's a phenomenon that causes crossovers inour sensory perception. So in other words,
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there's some people out there who canlook at a color and get a
taste in their mouth. Some peoplehear something and feel literally feel it in
their body. Well, music oftendoes that with the vibrations, right.
Some people describe synethesia as having yourwires crossed because it activates two or more
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senses at the same time. Soit's not a disease. It's not a
medical medical condition. However, itis often associated with autism. Not for
everybody, but it's often a symptomof autism. It's a condition really where
one sense is experienced at the sametime as another, is kind of a
criss cross and as usually you're bornthat way. That's where it's estimated that
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about four percent of the population havesome form of synesesia. I remember years
ago on a date with a bigcomposer, a musician guy, and I
said, let'll just ask him hisprocess, you know, And he said,
and he writes songs for a lotof big stars. And he said,
I meet them and I see them, and I just get a feeling
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and the notes just show up.I see the music around their face and
around their head. I can seeit, So he had a visual synesthesia,
right. Some other examples might besome people hear music and see shapes
interesting, Some people hear a certainword and see a color. Some people
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see a color and smell something,uh huh. And some people taste something
when they're looking at words. They'relooking at words and they get a taste
in their mouth. Isn't that interesting? You know? One of the most
common forms of synesthesia, I'll getup is day color synesigia. Do you
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have a certain color in your mindfor certain days of the week. I
do not, But some people associatecertain colors with certain days of the week,
and this is the most common form. Some people say it certain colors
make them more creative. Right now, let's actually look at the research.
So I'm not saying it's all nonsense. I'm just gonna say there's a little
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something to it for some people.Okay, here's what the existing research has
found on color. White colored pillsare associated with greater pain relief. Red
pills are associated with having greater stimulantproperties. So when they give people the
sugar pills and double blind control studiesfor pharmaceutical companies. They know that the
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color of the pill will impact howpeople feel. Red causes people to react
with greater speed and force. There'salso research to show people than your dating
profiles, if you wear red,you're more likely to get uswipe right,
just saying. They also have discoveredthat when athletes wear a black uniform,
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they're more likely to receive penalties huhin professional sports. Who knew? So
I think we're on the beginning oflearning about this is what I think.
I wouldn't throw the baby out withthe bathwater, but I would be very
careful about spending a bunch of moneywhere somebody says I'm going to bathe you
in light and I'm going to cureyour cancer. Oh okay, no,
no, no, go see anoncologist anyway. But I just think it's
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interesting. Some people, you know, respond well to a romatherapy, maybe
some respond to color. Okay,do you have a friend who's going through
divorce or a breakup or a separationin some way. I'm going to share
some things that happened to me afterI became a single mom, and I'm
going to make sure that you don'tdo it to your divorcing friend. Okay,
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how to be a good supportive friendwhen we come back. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Showon KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listeningto Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty five Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
(19:17):
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I think it is not incorrect
for me to say that everyone hasexperienced a breakup. Many of us have
experienced divorce. It is one oflife's greatest stressors and one of the biggest
drags on our mental health. Ilived with the father of my children for
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nine years. When we first separated, I noticed the world changed. I
was not so aware that our societyand culture organizes itself around couples and couplehood,
and I didn't realize that I wouldbe excluded. And I'm going back
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now. Let me think of anotherbreakup. I live with a guy in
my twenties for five years, andwe had all these amazing couple friends,
and I was equally friends with thewomen, and we would go out to
lunch and stuff and then they justkind of disappeared when we broke up.
They all went to the guy side. And then when I broke up with
the father of my kids, Ifell into this world, a very supportive
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world. Don't get me wrong ofsingle moms. You know, there's a
whole village out there of single moms, and we all need each other.
We did them for play dates andchildcare and all kinds of things. But
I do remember distinctly thinking where aremy married friends, Why are they not
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being more supportive? So I puttogether, excuse me, a handy dandy
checklist, as I like to say, if you ever listen to blues Clues,
a handy dandy notebook of checklist ofthings that we should be doing if
a friend of ours is going througha breakup. So the first thing I
came up with is ask them ifit's okay to let other people know about
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it. You see, some peoplewhen they first start the breakup thing want
to test it carefully, and theyonly tell a few friends and then maybe
a few more. But also it'ssometimes helpful if you have a friend maybe
post on not publicly on Facebook,but if you've got a private Facebook friend
group, just say hey, soand so is going through divorce. Make
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sure you call her up. Maybehe needs to get out more. Whatever.
Ask your friend who's going through abreakup. Is it okay to let
people? And how would you likeme to let them know? I'll be
your voice for you because they're goingthrough an identity transition and people need to
know. And you know this isthe biggest one. Invite them. Invite
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them everywhere, even if it's justevent that just couples and you're like,
well, they'll just feel like afifth wheel. They'll feel like a seventh
wheel. I probably shouldn't invite themit's just couples. They'll make it.
They'll feel bad. Don't assume anythingabout how somebody else feels. The worst
they can do is say no,thank you. I'll pass on this one.
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But invite them because there's a lotof loneliness that happens with a breakup.
Remember, being in a relationship ispart of our whole identity, and
when that relationship is gone, it'slike we have to rebuild half of our
mind and who we are. Iwant to say besides, invite them to
all kinds of things, especially invitethem to things on Sundays, even if
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you're just going to the farmer's market, going to the gym, hanging out
with your kids in the backyard,invite them on Sundays. I cannot tell
you how lonely I used to feelon Sundays because my mom tribe went home
to their husbands and I was alonewith my kids. So you know what
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I did, Because I'm creative,I started cooking Sunday dinners and I would
invite all kinds of people, couples, singles, kids. I had a
big family table and then a kid'stable. And I loved cook that was
my passion, and so I helda lot of Sunday dinners. In fact,
recently I was going through a boxof old stuff and I had a
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guest book where my daughter, okay, so she was like nine and then
ten, eleven, twelve, shemanaged the guest book and she would write
the date of the dinner, thenames of all the guests, or she
would have them sign it, andthen she would write what was on the
menu. It was so cute,and I found them like, there are
dozens and dozens and dozens of Sundaydinners because I was like, I can't
afford childcare. I don't want toleave my kids on Sundays. I'll just
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invite the world over. But ifyou have a friend who's going through a
breakup, make sure you see them, especially on Sundays. It's a lonely
day. Now. When it comesto talking about their ex. I know
you want to collude with them inthe hate talk, but don't for all
kinds of reasons. One, theymight get back with their X, and
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all of a sudden it'll be thetwo of them joining forces against you,
right, So don't trash that X. The other thing is, when you
trash their X, you're criticizing theirchoice. And if they have children with
that X, it hurts even more. Right. I actually remember somebody said
this one time. We'd just gonethrough the breakup and I was complaining about
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him whatever, and this person said, oh, and he wasn't even good
looking. Oh my god, hewasn't even attractive. And I'm thinking,
are you saying my kids aren't attractive? Like what the hell? Right?
I was just like no, itdidn't feel comforting, So do not trash
the X. And above all,never say I told you so sorry,
honey, I told you about him. I knew he'd be a problem right,
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or the guy's going, dude,we saw it coming with that one,
right, Don't say that, don'tsay I told you so, Just
be there with them. Also,this is a time where people who have
undergone a separation or a divorce arefinding themselves and they're growing. So do
things with them that they never gotto do with their ex. Right.
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Maybe it's being doing the Pacific CrestTrail. Maybe it's going to see music.
Maybe it's I don't know, whateverit is that they couldn't do because
their X wasn't interested in it.Help them find themselves, because that's what
happens after a divorce is that personneeds to find themselves again. And this
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goes without saying please fix them upwith people, please anybody, because at
a certain age and after divorce,the apps aren't good enough. It's so
much better to go through a friend. So it's so funny. I was
talking with a friend today and Iwas like, oh, yeah, so
I have this new tenant. She'slike you, is he single? What
do you mean a catch like that? You got to share them? If
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not with me somebody, Right,as soon as you get like a single
guy in your fold, when you'reall coupled up, Everyone's like, oh,
who's getting him next? Right,So do fix them up with people
and be a good friend to them, all right. Texting seems to be
the way I was talking to myalmost twenty one year old daughter today.
So Mom, it's old fashioned topick up the phone. We only text.
(26:19):
Well, let me tell you whatI told her. Not in your
private romantic relationship. Sometimes texting ishelpful. Sometimes it's a relationship killer.
Let's talk about which is which.When we come back. You are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show onKFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
(26:40):
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listeningto Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty. KFI AM sixforty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with
you. This is the Doctor WendyWalls Show. Okay, Texting, texting,
texting, texting, I'm sick oftexting. I hate texting. Plus
it's I use the auto record andI hit that microphone button and sometimes it
(27:03):
doesn't understand what I'm saying, andthen I have to go back and correct.
But I've always said that when youtext with someone, it is like
listening to your favorite band without thelead singer or the drummer. Uh huh,
what do you got? You gotno beat, you got no lyrics.
What are you trying to figure out? You're trying to imagine? Now,
Thank goodness, we have new textingrules, like we can use emojis
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and we can try to let peopleknow what feelings are associated with it.
That often when people are reading justthe written word, they simply are projecting
onto it what they imagine you meant. Because there are lots of different ways
to say something right, and youcould then sarcasm, by the way,
never works on text. Okay,So texting can be functional when you're in
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a place like it's on the break. Just now, I was texting with
my twenty year old daughter. Ican't you know, I'm on the rate.
I can't get on the phone andgo say, you know, I
MIC could be on who knows?Right? So when you want privacy,
it's great. It's also great ifyou're just bored. You're in a meeting
and you're bored and a quick textgives you a little hit of dopamine so
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you say something right. But itshould never never be a substitute for talking
on the phone or talking in faceto face if you're in a love relationship,
right, because text can be aterrible and it can become a barrier
to meaningful relationships. And for somepeople, texting a whole lot comes from
(28:41):
a place of loneliness. You know, we're experiencing a loneliness crisis in America,
and so people text away, butit doesn't actually make them feel any
better. All right, I'm gonnatell you a secret about me and texting.
So I have this thing. WheneverI take off on an airplane,
just as soon as they close thedoor and they say put your phones into
(29:03):
airplane mode, I always send atext to both my daughters and I just
say, hey, taken off fromthis airport about de Land wherever. And
then as soon as we land,I just write back landed safely. And
I just do this every time.I just I don't know, I'd like
to send a text before a headin the air. All right, So
I've gone up with a handy dandylist of dos and don'ts if you want
(29:26):
to keep your relationships healthy regarding text, Okay, dues use text for its
best purpose transfer of necessary information,addresses directions, time, the movie starts
a screenshot of the QR code ofyour ticket, photos of things to buy
when somebody's out of the store.No, this is the one I want.
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Get this one right. This iswhen text is at its best.
It is efficient. You don't haveto memorize anybody's address. You can scroll
back and look in the text cansay where the party is. Right.
Another thing that can help romantic relationships. Use your text to express words of
(30:08):
encouragement. If you know that yourperson is having a challenging day, shoot
them a little text, Hey,I'm with you today, I'm thinking about
you. You've got this right.And definitely use all those emoticons you know,
scroll through, find your favorites.Your phone will memorize it. Definitely
use them so that people can seeactually what you're trying, what emotion you're
(30:32):
trying to express. And do textregularly to just touch base when you can't
see someone. So you know,when Julio and I are separated because of
business and we're on a different timezone, we do a bunch of text
during the day just to just wetext more often when we're separated by distance
and time zone. Okay, here'swhat you should not use text for if
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you're just dating, do not usetext to string them along when you really
don't want to see them, soyou're just kind of sort of keeping them
right there, you know, breadcrumbing. I'll shoot them the odd text
every once in a while, andI always have a reason why we can't
get together in the real world.Don't do that. Just ghost them,
(31:18):
or better yet, tell them Idon't want to see you. Okay.
If you're in a relationship with somebody, do not text more than you talk
on the phone or see them inperson. If text becomes the replacement for
your communication, you're not growing intimate, you're not growing closer. Also,
I can't believe I need to saythis. Don't argue overtext. As soon
(31:40):
as something becomes a little snippy,a little negative, pick up the phone
right away and go I'm sorry,what did you say. Let's talk about
this. Never argue over text.We have all done it. I have
done it. This is how Ilearned. Never argue with a friend,
a coworker, a lover. Don'tdo anything negative negative overtext. Now you're
gonna call me really old fashioned forsaying this, but don't send sexy photos.
(32:05):
I know you want to you're ina new relationship. Maybe you think
it's gonna string them along. Thosephotos have a digital life forever and ever
and ever. I don't know ifyou've been watching any court trial that exists
in America today, they just pullup texts and emails of everything that happened.
So no, no, just don'tsend those sexy photos. Just don't
do it, and definitely don't doit. Instead of actually seeing the person
(32:31):
and getting intimate, sending sexy photosyou might think spices things up, but
research shows it doesn't does the opposite. Also, don't text too often.
Look for reciprocity. If you doten texts to everybody's one or two,
you're the other person's one or two. You're texting too much. Look for
(32:53):
reciprocation. Don't write long texts.Oh, I can't stand it. When
I open a text, then itlooks like an email if it can't be
typed in three sentences or less,pick up the phone or construct a good
email. Okay. Also, don'ttext it weird hours. You don't know
somebody's phone settings. I know youhad that thought at six am, but
(33:16):
keep your fingers off your iPhone untila decent hour. You know if both
partners have the same texting protocol,there's research to show they actually are a
happier color couple. Researchers have discoveredthat it's not what you text, how
you text, when you text thatcreates relationship satisfaction. It's your texting compatibility
(33:43):
that predicts it. So if youguys text at the same rate and the
same pace in the same way,you're probably going to find that you are
in love. But if you're amismatch, you're probably going to feel annoyed.
Hey, when we come back,I am going to my social media.
If you want to send me aDM you can. The handle every
where is at doctor Wendy Walsh atDr Wendy Walsh. I know producer Kayla
(34:05):
went on on the last break andgot a whole bunch of questions and we'll
be looking for more. I'm aboutto weigh in on your relationship life.
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live onKFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm. On Sunday and anytimeon demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app AFI Am six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
I want you to sit back becausefor the next two hours we are
going to talk about love, notjust love between lovers, love between friends,
(00:22):
love between colleagues, hopefully not breakingany boundaries with you know, HR
departments, but also just good healthyrelationships. And you know where our romantic
relationships begin. They actually begin inthe earliest time of our life, in
the first few years. It isour primary relationship with our parents that become
(00:46):
a kind of model for love thatwe take into our adult romantic world.
Producer Kayla, we have you withme, of course there you are good
to see you too, Doctor Wendy. I have to tell you the cutestl
story because I say that love startsby parents having a good, solid relationship
with kids, but also teaching thememotional language. This morning, I happened
(01:07):
to be up at my farm andwe got two new baby lambs that came
during the night. They're both black, but the mom was white. Seat
sheep are fascinating anyway. They alittle three year old was staying with my
Airbnb with his parents and he Ilet him pick up the baby lamb and
he was holding it and being sucha good little boy about it, and
then felt the hoof scratch his armand thought the lamb was gonna hurt him,
(01:32):
so suddenly dropped. There's baby lambon the ground. Luckily, when
you're three years old, it's nota far way down. And the mother
was fabulous. She said that hurtthe baby lamb. I know you were
scared. I know you felt nervous, but I want you to know because
the kid's like he's gonna hurt me, He's gonna hurt me. I want
(01:53):
you to know the lamb did notwant to hurt you, and I know
you were scared anyway, but youcan't hold the lamb anymore because we don't
want that to happen again. Soyou see what she did there. She
identified a feeling in the victim,identified the feeling in the assailant, and
(02:13):
then explained the consequence, No anger, just calm, and wouldn't it be
wonderful if we all had had parentslike that. Instead, we had parents
who said, go to your room, come back when you've changed your attitude,
or you're grounded for a month.But wait, what did I do?
I don't understand. And then wego out on these dates in our
(02:34):
adult romantic life and we accept criticism, we accept the silent treatment, because
this reflects what we might have hadearly in life. The good news to
everybody is that if you go toa good licensed therapist, if you have
an attachment style that's insecure, youcan actually change your attachment style. So
(02:55):
coming up in today's show, Iwant to talk about a little later how
so how you can support a friendwho's going through divorce, because it's very,
very common, and I cannot standit when people use the term a
well, that relationship failed, well, that marriage sure failed, as if
(03:15):
duration is the only litmus test forrelationship success. Actually, sometimes a short
relationship where you learned very quickly WHOAI made a bad choice, my picker
wasn't working. I got to getout of here instead of hanging in with
a bad relationship forever and ever,it's actually more success to recognize what's going
(03:36):
on and move along and make abetter choice next time. Listen. Because
of our very long life expectancies,many many people, most people are going
to have two or three long stintsof monogamy. And whenever I say that,
I get a call or a textor an email from somebody who says,
well, my spouse have been andI have been together thirty years or
forty years and we still love eachother. So stop saying that, doctor
(03:59):
Wendy, you know what. Congratulations, this is fabulous. I'm so proud
of you. You have a secureattachment. This is great, and you're
the minority. It's called anecdotal evidence. The truth is, because of our
very long life expectancies, even themost monogamous of humans may find two or
(04:19):
even three long stints of monogamy intheir life span at some point. So
one of the things that drives mecrazy is a term that people use all
the time. I was on someone'spodcast recently and I told them, you
know, I don't really believe insoulmates, and I don't know. This
was one of those Wu wu kindof hippie podcasts. She goes, well,
I do believe in soulmates, andI believe that my husband is my
(04:43):
soulmate. And I realized we werekind of talking about the same thing,
but she just used different language.I like science, and I believe in
the science of love. The reasonwhy I don't like the word soulmate is
it implies like there's only one.It's like the one I met, my
(05:03):
one. But actually no, ifyou have good relationship skills, there are
many many people that you might thinkare soulmates out there. So let's talk
about the four signs according to me, of that, let you know that
it actually is. We'll call ittrue love. Okay, we'll get there.
We'll split the instead of science oflove and says soulmate, we'll split
(05:25):
it in the middle. We'll callit true love. One is you found
your biopsychosocial connection. That means biologically, you're physically attracted to this person.
Psychologically and that means emotionally and intellectuallyyou really feel connected. But don't forget
about the social connection, because loveis social too. Having common values goals
(05:48):
the joining of your two social worlds. Okay, that's number one. Number
two, you guys totally inspire eachother. You know, every relationship and
every friendship and every person in ourlife enlivens a piece of our personality,
right and if you're lucky enough tobe in a relationship where the best of
(06:10):
you comes out. You know,heard that thing like you make me a
better man, you make me abetter woman. Well you don't. The
good man is in there, thegood woman's in there. But it is
enlivened when you are in that space. I should say also, not only
inspiring each other is important, butsharing what each other are into, like
we learn from each other. Likemy boyfriend, I never knew anything about
(06:36):
Formula one. I never knew anythingabout some forms of politics. I never
knew what else is he really into? Oh? Classic cars? But there
I am on Sunday mornings out ofclassic car shows with him. There I
am up early, getting him acup of tea while he watches Formula one
and I'm learning. It's fascinating andhe's learning a lot from me. Number
(06:59):
three, You get really happy andexcited and joyous when your partner has success,
a good, healthy, true love. There's no competition, all right,
no competition. I remember one timeyears ago telling a guy that I
was dating. He was in therestaurant business, and I was saying,
(07:19):
oh, you know, I'd liketo have like a little hotel someday,
and I'd like to have like alittle jazz bar that would serve a late
night supper. And he looked atme and said, how would you like
it if I said to you,I want to ankle the evening news.
I'm like, I'd say, that'scool. You want me to introduce you
(07:40):
to some people. But he didn'tget it because he was threatened by my
desire. His low self esteem abouthis success or not got was triggered by
me. When you're in love,you celebrate each other's success because no matter
which partner wins, it's a winfor the team. It's a good thing.
(08:03):
And number four, to know thatyou have found true love, you've
chosen to stay in love. Sohere's the thing. At the beginning,
you've got all those neuro hormones helpingyou out the lust phase, the passion
phase. You want to be withthem all the time. They smell so
delicious, everything about them is perfect, and after a while you see the
(08:24):
truth. But your relationship continues togrow and your hormones aren't the driver anymore.
Your big fat brain is. Youget to make a choice. You
get to actively choose to love yourpartner, and that takes a little bit
of work, but not really.You know, my favorite trick when it
(08:48):
comes to staying in love is tospend every day catching them being good like
you would with a child, insteadof nagging them about what they haven't done.
What have you done for me lately? How about spending some time saying,
I'm going to notice and I'm goingto express gratitude. And when you
(09:09):
do that, you're actually reminding yourown brain of why you're there. Love
is something that is shaped. Ilike to say love is a verb.
It's an action word, and itis the word to give. It's not
something that happens, it's something that'screated. Now, it's wonderful if you
(09:30):
can start out with a connection withsomebody because you've got a biological, a
psychological and a social match. Butafter that that's gonna all calm down and
you need to do the work oflove, all right when we come back.
Someone recently said to me, youknow, I think I'm going to
go for color therapy, And I'mthinking, is that like Merril Norman and
(09:52):
they do your colors and you're goingto get your hair colored. No,
no, no, it's a mentalhealth thing. They put colors in front
of your eyes and it changes yourmood, and all of a sudden,
I was reminded that we live inCalifornia and there's all kinds of stuff out
there. So I did a deepdive on the research, and actually,
(10:13):
color therapy is a thing, andit's used in some areas, and there's
lots that's interesting about it, andlots I totally disagree with. Let me
explain when we come back. Youare listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show
on KFI AM six forty. We'relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
(10:35):
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demandfrom KFI AM six forty AFI Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walshwith you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. Let's talk about color. First of all, I have always
felt that, just for me,that the color of a room causes me
(10:56):
to feel a certain way. Andwhen I say the color of a room,
I know there are artists out there, I know there are decorators.
I know there are creative people wholove brightly colored rooms. I do not.
I am one of those people whohas always wanted muted colors or indeed,
(11:18):
white, white, white, whitewhite. I have white floors,
I have white walls, I havewhite bedding, I have white so white,
and for some reason, I feelcalm when I'm in all white,
all white room. So I thoughtthere's got to be something to this color
therapy we're talking about. By theway, I just want to add one
(11:41):
other new color in the last coupleyears, and this is green. And
I don't mean decorator green. Imean the color of nature. Now,
I have trouble being in a roomwhere if I look out the window,
I see a city scape instead ofgreen. I just love lush. I
love the spring when the greens arealmost neon green. I love the fall
(12:05):
when the greens get more muted andadd those oranges and rusts. I'm fine
with it. If it's nature green, I'm good. Yeah. On the
fall they go kind of safe.My greens go sage and eucalyptus looking anyway.
That makes me happy. In fact, my wedd and colors are white,
green, white green. Those aremy colors. So someone recently told
me that there's this thing called colortherapy, and it supposedly uses the color
(12:28):
the power. If there is sucha thing of color to help support mental
or emotional or even physical well being, and so unlike, you know,
going to remember back of the day, you could go and get your colors
done at like Merril Norman one ofthose places, and they tell you,
oh, if you're a redhead,don't wear pink, and like, yeah,
(12:50):
we get that. I always thoughtit was kind of silly, but
a lot of people did it.Maybe they don't know how to dress themselves.
I don't know. Some people callcolor therapy colorology. See they give
it a fancy name too. Apparentlyin the California world of holistic and alternative
medicine, they say, if youdo colorology red. The color red is
(13:16):
used to stimulate your body and mindand increase circulation. The color yellow is
thought to stimulate the nerves and purifyyour body. Orange is used to heal
the lungs and increase your energy levels. Blue is believed to soothe illnesses and
treat pain. Indigo are thought tobe good for skin problems. Okay,
(13:37):
let's just pause here. Color therapyis considered pseudoscience and even quackery. And
here's why. There's a limited sciencebacked research on this kind of color therapy.
But having said that, humans havetried for a very long time to
make these associations between color and asI told you, I do feel differ
(14:00):
in a room with muted colors.I know I do. And when I'm
in a busy room with lots ofpatterns and bright colors, I feel like
my brain is I don't know,it's congested, there's too much going on.
So there is research to show thatcolor and light therapy was once practiced
in Egypt, Greece, China,and India back in ancient times. So
(14:24):
it made me start to think maybethis color therapy is kind of like aroma
therapy. Now here's the thing aboutaroma therapy. It works for some people
and not for others. There aresome people who can feel stressed or have
a headache and they can start breathingeucalyptus or lavender, and the next thing
you know, they're in lalla land. It feels so good, and other
people are like, what, it'sjust a smell. I don't know what
(14:45):
you're talking about. So I hadthis thought that maybe people who react well
to so called color therapy actually havecolor synathesia. Here's what synethesia is.
It's a phenomenon that causes crossovers inour sensory perception. So in other words,
(15:09):
there's some people out there who canlook at a color and get a
taste in their mouth. Some peoplehear something and feel literally feel it in
their body. Well, music oftendoes that with the vibrations, right.
Some people describe synethesia as having yourwires crossed because it activates two or more
(15:31):
senses at the same time. Soit's not a disease. It's not a
medical medical condition. However, itis often associated with autism. Not for
everybody, but it's often a symptomof autism. It's a condition really where
one sense is experienced at the sametime as another, is kind of a
criss cross and as usually you're bornthat way. That's where it's estimated that
(15:54):
about four percent of the population havesome form of synesesia. I remember years
ago on a date with a bigcomposer, a musician guy, and I
said, let'll just ask him hisprocess, you know, And he said,
and he writes songs for a lotof big stars. And he said,
I meet them and I see them, and I just get a feeling
(16:15):
and the notes just show up.I see the music around their face and
around their head. I can seeit, So he had a visual synesthesia,
right. Some other examples might besome people hear music and see shapes
interesting, Some people hear a certainword and see a color. Some people
(16:41):
see a color and smell something,uh huh. And some people taste something
when they're looking at words. They'relooking at words and they get a taste
in their mouth. Isn't that interesting? You know? One of the most
common forms of synesthesia, I'll getup is day color synesigia. Do you
(17:02):
have a certain color in your mindfor certain days of the week. I
do not, But some people associatecertain colors with certain days of the week,
and this is the most common form. Some people say it certain colors
make them more creative. Right now, let's actually look at the research.
So I'm not saying it's all nonsense. I'm just gonna say there's a little
(17:26):
something to it for some people.Okay, here's what the existing research has
found on color. White colored pillsare associated with greater pain relief. Red
pills are associated with having greater stimulantproperties. So when they give people the
sugar pills and double blind control studiesfor pharmaceutical companies. They know that the
(17:48):
color of the pill will impact howpeople feel. Red causes people to react
with greater speed and force. There'salso research to show people than your dating
profiles, if you wear red,you're more likely to get uswipe right,
just saying. They also have discoveredthat when athletes wear a black uniform,
(18:11):
they're more likely to receive penalties huhin professional sports. Who knew? So
I think we're on the beginning oflearning about this is what I think.
I wouldn't throw the baby out withthe bathwater, but I would be very
careful about spending a bunch of moneywhere somebody says I'm going to bathe you
in light and I'm going to cureyour cancer. Oh okay, no,
no, no, go see anoncologist anyway. But I just think it's
(18:33):
interesting. Some people, you know, respond well to a romatherapy, maybe
some respond to color. Okay,do you have a friend who's going through
divorce or a breakup or a separationin some way. I'm going to share
some things that happened to me afterI became a single mom, and I'm
going to make sure that you don'tdo it to your divorcing friend. Okay,
(18:56):
how to be a good supportive friendwhen we come back. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Showon KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listeningto Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty five Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
(19:17):
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I think it is not incorrect
for me to say that everyone hasexperienced a breakup. Many of us have
experienced divorce. It is one oflife's greatest stressors and one of the biggest
drags on our mental health. Ilived with the father of my children for
(19:41):
nine years. When we first separated, I noticed the world changed. I
was not so aware that our societyand culture organizes itself around couples and couplehood,
and I didn't realize that I wouldbe excluded. And I'm going back
(20:03):
now. Let me think of anotherbreakup. I live with a guy in
my twenties for five years, andwe had all these amazing couple friends,
and I was equally friends with thewomen, and we would go out to
lunch and stuff and then they justkind of disappeared when we broke up.
They all went to the guy side. And then when I broke up with
the father of my kids, Ifell into this world, a very supportive
(20:23):
world. Don't get me wrong ofsingle moms. You know, there's a
whole village out there of single moms, and we all need each other.
We did them for play dates andchildcare and all kinds of things. But
I do remember distinctly thinking where aremy married friends, Why are they not
(20:44):
being more supportive? So I puttogether, excuse me, a handy dandy
checklist, as I like to say, if you ever listen to blues Clues,
a handy dandy notebook of checklist ofthings that we should be doing if
a friend of ours is going througha breakup. So the first thing I
came up with is ask them ifit's okay to let other people know about
(21:10):
it. You see, some peoplewhen they first start the breakup thing want
to test it carefully, and theyonly tell a few friends and then maybe
a few more. But also it'ssometimes helpful if you have a friend maybe
post on not publicly on Facebook,but if you've got a private Facebook friend
group, just say hey, soand so is going through divorce. Make
(21:33):
sure you call her up. Maybehe needs to get out more. Whatever.
Ask your friend who's going through abreakup. Is it okay to let
people? And how would you likeme to let them know? I'll be
your voice for you because they're goingthrough an identity transition and people need to
know. And you know this isthe biggest one. Invite them. Invite
(21:56):
them everywhere, even if it's justevent that just couples and you're like,
well, they'll just feel like afifth wheel. They'll feel like a seventh
wheel. I probably shouldn't invite themit's just couples. They'll make it.
They'll feel bad. Don't assume anythingabout how somebody else feels. The worst
they can do is say no,thank you. I'll pass on this one.
(22:17):
But invite them because there's a lotof loneliness that happens with a breakup.
Remember, being in a relationship ispart of our whole identity, and
when that relationship is gone, it'slike we have to rebuild half of our
mind and who we are. Iwant to say besides, invite them to
all kinds of things, especially invitethem to things on Sundays, even if
(22:38):
you're just going to the farmer's market, going to the gym, hanging out
with your kids in the backyard,invite them on Sundays. I cannot tell
you how lonely I used to feelon Sundays because my mom tribe went home
to their husbands and I was alonewith my kids. So you know what
(23:02):
I did, Because I'm creative,I started cooking Sunday dinners and I would
invite all kinds of people, couples, singles, kids. I had a
big family table and then a kid'stable. And I loved cook that was
my passion, and so I helda lot of Sunday dinners. In fact,
recently I was going through a boxof old stuff and I had a
(23:22):
guest book where my daughter, okay, so she was like nine and then
ten, eleven, twelve, shemanaged the guest book and she would write
the date of the dinner, thenames of all the guests, or she
would have them sign it, andthen she would write what was on the
menu. It was so cute,and I found them like, there are
dozens and dozens and dozens of Sundaydinners because I was like, I can't
afford childcare. I don't want toleave my kids on Sundays. I'll just
(23:45):
invite the world over. But ifyou have a friend who's going through a
breakup, make sure you see them, especially on Sundays. It's a lonely
day. Now. When it comesto talking about their ex. I know
you want to collude with them inthe hate talk, but don't for all
kinds of reasons. One, theymight get back with their X, and
(24:08):
all of a sudden it'll be thetwo of them joining forces against you,
right, So don't trash that X. The other thing is, when you
trash their X, you're criticizing theirchoice. And if they have children with
that X, it hurts even more. Right. I actually remember somebody said
this one time. We'd just gonethrough the breakup and I was complaining about
(24:32):
him whatever, and this person said, oh, and he wasn't even good
looking. Oh my god, hewasn't even attractive. And I'm thinking,
are you saying my kids aren't attractive? Like what the hell? Right?
I was just like no, itdidn't feel comforting, So do not trash
the X. And above all,never say I told you so sorry,
honey, I told you about him. I knew he'd be a problem right,
(24:52):
or the guy's going, dude,we saw it coming with that one,
right, Don't say that, don'tsay I told you so, Just
be there with them. Also,this is a time where people who have
undergone a separation or a divorce arefinding themselves and they're growing. So do
things with them that they never gotto do with their ex. Right.
(25:14):
Maybe it's being doing the Pacific CrestTrail. Maybe it's going to see music.
Maybe it's I don't know, whateverit is that they couldn't do because
their X wasn't interested in it.Help them find themselves, because that's what
happens after a divorce is that personneeds to find themselves again. And this
(25:36):
goes without saying please fix them upwith people, please anybody, because at
a certain age and after divorce,the apps aren't good enough. It's so
much better to go through a friend. So it's so funny. I was
talking with a friend today and Iwas like, oh, yeah, so
I have this new tenant. She'slike you, is he single? What
do you mean a catch like that? You got to share them? If
(25:57):
not with me somebody, Right,as soon as you get like a single
guy in your fold, when you'reall coupled up, Everyone's like, oh,
who's getting him next? Right,So do fix them up with people
and be a good friend to them, all right. Texting seems to be
the way I was talking to myalmost twenty one year old daughter today.
So Mom, it's old fashioned topick up the phone. We only text.
(26:19):
Well, let me tell you whatI told her. Not in your
private romantic relationship. Sometimes texting ishelpful. Sometimes it's a relationship killer.
Let's talk about which is which.When we come back. You are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show onKFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
(26:40):
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listeningto Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty. KFI AM sixforty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with
you. This is the Doctor WendyWalls Show. Okay, Texting, texting,
texting, texting, I'm sick oftexting. I hate texting. Plus
it's I use the auto record andI hit that microphone button and sometimes it
(27:03):
doesn't understand what I'm saying, andthen I have to go back and correct.
But I've always said that when youtext with someone, it is like
listening to your favorite band without thelead singer or the drummer. Uh huh,
what do you got? You gotno beat, you got no lyrics.
What are you trying to figure out? You're trying to imagine? Now,
Thank goodness, we have new textingrules, like we can use emojis
(27:26):
and we can try to let peopleknow what feelings are associated with it.
That often when people are reading justthe written word, they simply are projecting
onto it what they imagine you meant. Because there are lots of different ways
to say something right, and youcould then sarcasm, by the way,
never works on text. Okay,So texting can be functional when you're in
(27:51):
a place like it's on the break. Just now, I was texting with
my twenty year old daughter. Ican't you know, I'm on the rate.
I can't get on the phone andgo say, you know, I
MIC could be on who knows?Right? So when you want privacy,
it's great. It's also great ifyou're just bored. You're in a meeting
and you're bored and a quick textgives you a little hit of dopamine so
(28:15):
you say something right. But itshould never never be a substitute for talking
on the phone or talking in faceto face if you're in a love relationship,
right, because text can be aterrible and it can become a barrier
to meaningful relationships. And for somepeople, texting a whole lot comes from
(28:41):
a place of loneliness. You know, we're experiencing a loneliness crisis in America,
and so people text away, butit doesn't actually make them feel any
better. All right, I'm gonnatell you a secret about me and texting.
So I have this thing. WheneverI take off on an airplane,
just as soon as they close thedoor and they say put your phones into
(29:03):
airplane mode, I always send atext to both my daughters and I just
say, hey, taken off fromthis airport about de Land wherever. And
then as soon as we land,I just write back landed safely. And
I just do this every time.I just I don't know, I'd like
to send a text before a headin the air. All right, So
I've gone up with a handy dandylist of dos and don'ts if you want
(29:26):
to keep your relationships healthy regarding text, Okay, dues use text for its
best purpose transfer of necessary information,addresses directions, time, the movie starts
a screenshot of the QR code ofyour ticket, photos of things to buy
when somebody's out of the store.No, this is the one I want.
(29:48):
Get this one right. This iswhen text is at its best.
It is efficient. You don't haveto memorize anybody's address. You can scroll
back and look in the text cansay where the party is. Right.
Another thing that can help romantic relationships. Use your text to express words of
(30:08):
encouragement. If you know that yourperson is having a challenging day, shoot
them a little text, Hey,I'm with you today, I'm thinking about
you. You've got this right.And definitely use all those emoticons you know,
scroll through, find your favorites.Your phone will memorize it. Definitely
use them so that people can seeactually what you're trying, what emotion you're
(30:32):
trying to express. And do textregularly to just touch base when you can't
see someone. So you know,when Julio and I are separated because of
business and we're on a different timezone, we do a bunch of text
during the day just to just wetext more often when we're separated by distance
and time zone. Okay, here'swhat you should not use text for if
(30:57):
you're just dating, do not usetext to string them along when you really
don't want to see them, soyou're just kind of sort of keeping them
right there, you know, breadcrumbing. I'll shoot them the odd text
every once in a while, andI always have a reason why we can't
get together in the real world.Don't do that. Just ghost them,
(31:18):
or better yet, tell them Idon't want to see you. Okay.
If you're in a relationship with somebody, do not text more than you talk
on the phone or see them inperson. If text becomes the replacement for
your communication, you're not growing intimate, you're not growing closer. Also,
I can't believe I need to saythis. Don't argue overtext. As soon
(31:40):
as something becomes a little snippy,a little negative, pick up the phone
right away and go I'm sorry,what did you say. Let's talk about
this. Never argue over text.We have all done it. I have
done it. This is how Ilearned. Never argue with a friend,
a coworker, a lover. Don'tdo anything negative negative overtext. Now you're
gonna call me really old fashioned forsaying this, but don't send sexy photos.
(32:05):
I know you want to you're ina new relationship. Maybe you think
it's gonna string them along. Thosephotos have a digital life forever and ever
and ever. I don't know ifyou've been watching any court trial that exists
in America today, they just pullup texts and emails of everything that happened.
So no, no, just don'tsend those sexy photos. Just don't
do it, and definitely don't doit. Instead of actually seeing the person
(32:31):
and getting intimate, sending sexy photosyou might think spices things up, but
research shows it doesn't does the opposite. Also, don't text too often.
Look for reciprocity. If you doten texts to everybody's one or two,
you're the other person's one or two. You're texting too much. Look for
(32:53):
reciprocation. Don't write long texts.Oh, I can't stand it. When
I open a text, then itlooks like an email if it can't be
typed in three sentences or less,pick up the phone or construct a good
email. Okay. Also, don'ttext it weird hours. You don't know
somebody's phone settings. I know youhad that thought at six am, but
(33:16):
keep your fingers off your iPhone untila decent hour. You know if both
partners have the same texting protocol,there's research to show they actually are a
happier color couple. Researchers have discoveredthat it's not what you text, how
you text, when you text thatcreates relationship satisfaction. It's your texting compatibility
(33:43):
that predicts it. So if youguys text at the same rate and the
same pace in the same way,you're probably going to find that you are
in love. But if you're amismatch, you're probably going to feel annoyed.
Hey, when we come back,I am going to my social media.
If you want to send me aDM you can. The handle every
where is at doctor Wendy Walsh atDr Wendy Walsh. I know producer Kayla
(34:05):
went on on the last break andgot a whole bunch of questions and we'll
be looking for more. I'm aboutto weigh in on your relationship life.
You are listening to the Doctor WendyWalsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live onKFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm. On Sunday and anytimeon demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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