September 23, 2024 • 32 mins
Dr. Wendy is talking the psychology of Diddy, Secret Lives of Morman wives, and how to know when your relationship is over. It's all on KFIAM-640! Hour 2- Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. We are also talking to love guru, media therapist, author and world wide speaker Dr. Ava Cadell about life with grief. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show and what a week in relationships? If
you're new to my show. I have a PhD in
clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor.
(00:22):
I've written three books on relationships and I'm obsessed with
the science of love. I want to welcome back as
usual a favorite partner in crime producer Kayla, how are you?
I'm wonderful, Wendy.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
You look so beautiful today. Thank your hair, your outfit.
You are just giving.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Okay, everybody hear this. When I do my little Instagram
live and TikTok live. You want to hear her show?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
You want to?
Speaker 1 (00:42):
She said, you want to see me? I try to
do like some j Lo eyeshadow thing. I saw her
do some demo once and I thought I'd just tried.
Jlo's got nothing on you. Today and we have had
the Brooker in the newsroom. How you do in Heather
Hi I am so good. Hi, and you're a stand
up comedian too. And Saturday night everybody can see you
where the Ice House in Pasadena. See there you go, Raoul,
(01:04):
you have gotten younger and prettier. Don't mean to me,
but I'm looking on my camera here and I see
you looking like twenty two years old and female. What's
up there?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Right?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, you had a change. Oh and a voice change too.
I would like to welcome not only Raouel, but Isabella. Isabella,
is it true you're only twenty two? I am, well
technically twenty one. I turned twenty two on Thursday. Oh
my goodness. I just if there's maternal feeling, I just
want to go hug her. There she is on the
soundboard and she just needs a mom hug. I mean,
that's amazing. Well, welcome to the show. It's wonderful having
(01:36):
you here. You might have to close your ears for
a few things, because we're gonna be talking about some
soft swinging and some pee diddy. And also if you're
in the kind of relationship, not you necessarily, Isabella, but
anyone in listening where there's that on again, off again
and you're like, is this breakup for real? Are we
getting back together? Is this going to happen? I just
want to tell you you're normal that breakups, whether they're
(01:58):
divorces or breaking up between boyfriend and can take years sometimes.
But I've got some tea for you, as the young
folks would say, and the tea is that there are
some serious signs that they're not coming back, okay, And
so later on in the show, we're going to be
talking about that, okay, before we get into it, you know,
unless you've been living under a rock this week, Sean p.
(02:21):
D D. Combs? What are all his names? Kayla?
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Honestly, everybody's just been calling him Diddy, the Diddler these dates.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Oh oh, puff Daddy, Puffy brother, love.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
For a hot second, Didy Sean, Sean Puffy Combs.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
What's his real name is? Shawn Combs? Shawn Combs? This
is his real name? Okay? Well, Shawn Combs is sitting
in a jail cell right now. He's a rapper. He
was rested in Manhattan last Monday. He was indicted by
a grand jury. Now listen to the charges they used
rico law, racketeering, and sex trafficking. Now, this is months
after he was hit with a series of civil sexual
(02:55):
assault lawsuits, and it was a fourteen page, a bombshell
indictment where he's accused of leading a criminal enterprise that
enabled him to allegedly listen to this abuse, threaten, and
coerce women sexually for more than a decade. I got
to say my husband, Julio, I get say my husband now,
my husband, Julio said. It's going to be a very
(03:17):
hard case to prove. We will see. Now, in case
you have not been following this story, may I please
educate you and give you a little bit of a timeline.
It all started in November of twenty twenty three. That's
just last fall, not even quite a year ago. This
is when this idea of maybe a criminal indictment first
(03:37):
came to light. That's because one of his ex girlfriends
named Cassie Ventura sued him for rape and physical abuse.
What she said is that she had to participate in
these drug fueled quote unquote freak offs. She gave harrowing
accounts that he trafficked, raped, and viciously beat her starting
(03:59):
in two thousand and five through twenty eighteen, and he
took complete control over her her personal and professional life.
It sounds so r kellyish, doesn't it anyway? She had,
she sued him for thirty million dollars. Oh and guess what,
they shut that down in twenty four hours, and she's
under a non disclosure agreement and she got her money,
(04:19):
and who knows how much money she got, But in
twenty four hours that went away. That was November sixteenth.
Oh well, but it didn't even take one week. By
November twenty third, another woman alleged and she's that he
drugged her, sexually assaulted her, secretly recorded it. Another anonymous
plaintiff accused him of raping her and a friend in
nineteen ninety and ninety one. Then a week later, December sixth,
(04:42):
he's hit with another sexual assault suit, again, accused of
drugging participating in a gang rape of an unnamed woman
in two thousand and three. But wait, when she was
just seventeen years old. We're getting real, R kelly now,
aren't we? All right? Then all goes quiet around the
cru miss break and we all think maybe this is
going to fly over. Uh uh. On February twenty sixth
(05:05):
of this year, producer Rodney Jones, known as Little Rod,
he sued P Diddy in New York, saying that he
was subjected to unwanted advances by associates of Diddy at
Ditty's direction, and forced to engage in relations with sex
workers that did he hired. Oh my, he talked about
Combs hosting sex trafficking parties. Remember the news was always
(05:28):
talking about those white parties he had in the Hamptons.
Those white parties. Well, apparently they were more colorful than
you would think. They were more colorful. Okay, So then
we get into March. Department of Homeland Security agents. Remember
the raids that was, They raided his mansion in La Miami.
They pulled them off his plane, they pulled computers and phones,
(05:50):
they got stuff, right, So then the whole video came
out of him assaulting Ventura, the one who got the money.
She can't talk about it in a hotel in front
of elevators. It was awful. It's brutal. You can google
it if you want. If you're really screamish, you don't
do it. And then he apologized in this video, I'm
(06:14):
disgusting now.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
And went and I sought out professional help, kind of
going to therapy.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
You're going to rehab.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Had asked God for his mercy and grace.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
All right, enough, I don't want to listen to him. Listen,
you guys, listen enough enough. He didn't even apologize in it,
and he never mentioned his victim's name. Okay, Anyway, it continues.
Another model filed a lawsuit in May. It keeps going
on and on and on until here we are. This
past Monday, he was arrested in Manhattan after being indicted
(06:53):
by a grand jury. He apparently is on a suicide
watch inside of Brooklyn jail, where he awaited that They
tried to pay fifty million dollars to get him out
on bail, and the judge said, mmmmm, and here's why
you own a plane. And we also have long text
chains where you've been trying to change witnesses, story, influence witnesses.
(07:14):
So it's not going to happen. So he's sitting there waiting,
waiting for his moment in court and his day in court.
We don't know. He alleges everything is lie. He alleges
he's innocent everywhere, and he may be right. We are
not guilty until proven all right. As if that is
not enough in the world of high profile relationships. This week,
(07:37):
have you guys been watching the Secret Lives of Mormon
wives and do you know what soft swinging is? We
need to talk about this when we come back. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
I love the Mormontors. There are a lot of rules
that we have to follow. We were raised to be
these housewives for the men, serving their every desire. Have
kids by the time you're twenty one or in my
case at sixteen. Well, I'm like this, Why created mom Talk.
(08:18):
It's a group of Mormon moms making tiktoks. It started
with Whitney and Macy, Michaela and I.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
We're breaking a norm.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
We are trying to change the stigma of gender roles
in the Mormon culture.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
That's what scares in the church.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
We have rules for a reason. May see, I need
you to.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
For your aunt.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Don't give me what you work with.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
My goal was really just to be able to provide
for my family, who is currently the breadwinner at home,
all of.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Us really, as we blew up overnight, two million followers.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Nine million views.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Whoa, it's been really crazy for us.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
And then it just turned into this whole group is
swinging with each other.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Wait, what a Mormon living scandal has hit Utah?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
No one was innocent. Everyone has hooked up with like everyone.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Okay, I know, don't you want to rush to the
TV Klee watch Hulu? Okay, I will be tuning in.
Oh my gosh. So this month Hulu dropped every single
episode of the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Okay, little
bit of background.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
It is a.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Reality TV series. It follows a group of eight Utah
based TikTok influencers known as mom Talk according to the producers,
as they navigate the complexities of their personal and professional lives.
So here's what happened. So basically, they're a bunch of
(09:43):
hot women. I think there's four or six of them
or something. There's a bunch of them six eight, I
don't know. That started and one of them started twerking
on TikTok. There's seven eight, there's eight of them. They
found more for the show. Is what happened. But the
original group was like six maybe, and so this one
woman because what happened is, you know, they had their
(10:03):
babies when they were sixteen, so suddenly they're hot and
twenty five and the kids are raised nothing to do,
so they might as well get on out there on
TikTok and start dancing. So they started dancing to try
to say Mormons are cute and Mormons are cool, and
they're all beautiful, super dropped head, hotty, skinny bodied, great girls. Right,
they're like fun. However, somewhere along the way, because you
(10:24):
know how TikTok is, you dance and then you just
talk to the camera, and one of them decides to
tell a story that she and her husband have been
soft swinging, and the next thing you know, that video
goes so viral, like nine million views that Hulu calls
and goes, oh what, maybe there's an audience here for this.
(10:46):
So the one who started and her name is Taylor
Frankie Paul. That's the video that went viral because she
revealed that she and her husband had been soft swinging
with other Mormon couples. And so the TV series actually
begins months later as this girl, Taylor and her group
of influencer friends mom talk deal with the fallout of
(11:09):
the scandal. Da Da Da Da Okay, what is soft swinging?
You ask? I knew you were asking this. So there's
no official definition for soft swinging, but basically, the term
means consensual sexual contact with other couples without going quote
(11:31):
unquote quote unquote all the way. That means no penetration.
Now I don't know if it means no penetration in
one area but not another area. No, Cayla, I know
you are rolling your eyes. There are people out there
who call themselves technical virgins who have had penetration everywhere
except where you can make the babies. I did not lie.
(11:53):
I said the truth that that is true. You're okay. So, apparently,
according to this girl, Taylor Frankie Paul, her quote is,
the agreement was that we could do anything as long
as we were in front of each other and on
the same page, it was fine. I'm not talking like her,
it's terrible to do the voice, but kind of sounds
like that. She said it was fine, but the second
(12:16):
you go separately, that's not okay. And so I broke
that rule. She says, uh huh, and that's where the
series begins with her broken soft swinging rule. Okay, just
let me say that these are a bunch of hormone
infused young people who've been told by their religion you
can't their whole life. And I'm sure even their husbands
(12:39):
are frustrated. Everybody's frustrated. And then there they are, twerking
in their little hipster jeans and their crop tops on TikTok,
and all of a sudden they're like, well, maybe if
we just touch a little bit here. You know, human
beings find all kinds of ways to get around whatever
(12:59):
rule that their culture has made for them. You know,
I don't necessarily think the rules are good rules. I'm
just saying that humans are fabulous in how they find
ways to break rules carefully without really breaking rules, right,
they just sort of bend the rules. So I came
since rules are out there, they have religious rules that
(13:21):
it sounds like they're probably breaking a few Mormon rules.
I don't know. I'm not a Mormon, but it sounds
like it might be. However, I've decided to come up
with doctor Wendy's rules for soft swinging. Okay, because everything
needs rules, all right, So just like having an open relationship,
whether it's open polyamory, whatever it may be, there must
(13:42):
be rules. That's rule number one. You must make rules.
The rules you know, have to be written down, decided upon, agreedable.
I like the writing down part of rules because people
will go back later and say, you didn't say that,
that's not exactly what you said, but you write it down,
sign it on a little piece of paper. That's a
good thing. Now, what should go in these rules, things
like with who, when, where? What are you doing again,
(14:06):
whether you're trying the open thing, whether you're trying the
polyamory thing, which, by the way, people, I met a
young guy in a hot tub this week. It's don't
think like that. I'm a happily married, older woman and
he was just it was a communal hot tub where
you go in after a hard workout and your muscles
are sore and you try to relax. And we were
(14:27):
chatting and he said to me, can I ask you
a question about polyamory? See, they just know it comes
out my skin that I have the answers to these things.
And he said, do you think a lot of people
use that as an excuse to cheat? And I said, yeah, absolutely,
because polyamory, the actual definition of it is three or
more people who are in a relationship together and all
in love with each other together together. They may have
(14:49):
sex with two and then these two and then three
together whatever all three of them are married together or
four of them, whatever it is, that's polyamory. This whole
I'm just going out with another guy tonight, sorry, is
because you have someone's permission to cheat. That's not polyamory. Okay.
So anyway, whatever you want to call soft swinging, full swinging,
(15:13):
open relationship, call it polly if you want. You have
to rules on who I know somebody who has an
open relationship a long time married person, and their rule
is it can't be anyone they socialize with. It can
only be a stranger, right, So it might be something
like that. When and where can't be in the family
home is one of their rules. Go get a room,
(15:33):
all right? Not happening here? What acts are a lot
of your soft swinging? What does that mean? Inquiring minds
want to know, and you guys need to put it
on paper. But the most important thing, and I got
to get this out, both partners have to be on
the same page for the right reasons. If you are
afraid of losing your partner and that's why you're consenting,
that is not a good reason. You're going to hurt yourself, right,
(15:56):
and also, partners have to be able to end the
arrangement at any time. This contract can be torn up
and you can go back. But you know what, once
you've opened that Pandora's box, it's real hard to go
back to committed monogamy. Just saying, anyway, when we come back,
let's talk religion, shall we No, So how close to
(16:18):
real life could the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives be?
Let's talk about what religion does to people in their
mating lives. When we come back. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
KIM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
This is the.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Doctor Wendy Walls Show. We're talking about the Secret Lives
of Mormon Wives. All the episodes have dropped on Hulu.
You can bingam if you want. Basically, Hollywood's at it again.
They're making sensational storylines out of a small group of people.
These people are promoted as representatives of a much larger group.
(17:04):
I mean, the average real life resident of the Jersey
Shore doesn't spend her day stressing over GTL. Remember that
Jim Tan Laundry. Kayla, you're laughing. You still watch that show, Wendy.
That's my guilty pleasure. I watch it often. You went Snookie.
I love Snookie, She's my favorite. Okay, So what it
has morphed into like real Housewives of New Jersey Shore.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Yeah, Now they're like parents and they have their kids
and they just go on vacation together.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
It's a great successful and I love it. Okay. Well,
I also don't think there are many stay at home
moms in Beverly Hills or Orange County who routinely get
arrested over the weekend. My point, Reality TV is an oxymoron. Okay,
But here we are again. This time Hollywood has focused
(17:48):
their lens on one of the last bastions of patriarchy. No,
not the Catholic Church. Well, basically a religion that we
perceive to really oppress women, the Church of Latter day Saint,
most commonly referred to as LDS or Mormon. Apparently they
don't like Mormon. They like to be called Church of
Latter day Saints or LDS, so the secret lives of
(18:10):
Mormon wives will likely attract a very large viewing audience.
I was shocked to learn this. Did you know half
the state of Utah is a member of the church.
I mean, those are ratings right there, right. So whether
Hollywood depicts the LDS community, you know, in a proper light,
(18:30):
or whether you're appalled or how they're you know, it
doesn't matter. There's lots of reasons to watch this scandal.
I mean, Hollywood's a business, remember that. So I can't
exactly speculate on how exaggerated the behavior of this particular
cast is. If I was going to compare them with
an average LDS member, and I don't even know, you know,
what they're on camera or off camera? Persona is like,
(18:53):
because we all change when the cameras are on. We
perform a little bit. But what I want to do
is I want to share some notes from psycho pology
textbooks that shine a light on what viewers can expect.
First of all, if you know me, you know I
am a professor of health psychology, and there is a
boatload of research to support the fact that religiosity any
(19:15):
religion is highly correlated with longevity. Has to do with
three things that are great for our health. All religions
have this, a really supportive social community, the stress reducing
effects of prayers and hymns. And finally, I don't know
if you've ever heard of any religion in the world
that preaches sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I know
(19:35):
I haven't. So religiosity is usually associated with good, clean living, right.
And also there's something else psychologists know, and that is
this sense of hope and faith. It removes your anxiety
if think it's okay, I'm going to be okay, God's
watching over me, or I'll be great in the next life.
There's something that reduces your stress hormones with that knowledge. So,
(19:57):
having said that, though religions are club and you know
how clubs survive, they have to have strict rules for membership,
and they have to have consequences if those rules are broken. Now,
usually the consequence in most religions is a lashing of
guilt and shame, or, in extreme circumstances, maybe a complete
banishment from the clubhouse. Catholics call that excommunication. I don't
(20:21):
think the Catholics would take me back by the way
I think I've broken way too many of their rules
and then set it on the microphone on this station
plenty of times. I mean, I've been baptized, I've been confirmed,
I've been married in a Catholic church. I did all
those sacraments, folks, but they wouldn't take me back now,
no way. So in most religions, if you can't conform
to the rules, maybe because of your natural gender diversity,
(20:44):
or your sexual orientation, or maybe you're just a human
being as a pension for pleasure, you're either left with
the pain of cognitive dissonance, holding two thoughts at once.
One is I'm a good person, I'm a bad person,
or debilitating guilt. Now take these people and they're young
and hot, and you put them on TV. Ooh, this
is going to be some good TV. There's also something
(21:06):
else I want you to consider. As with any club,
religions will die out if they don't continue to increase
their membership base. And one way to do this as
practiced by say Catholic missionaries who travel to those far
flung lands, or Seventh day Adventists who knock on your
front door today. They convert full grown people catching if
you catch someone amidst a life crisis. That's particularly fruitful
(21:29):
because you can promise a circle of really happy new
friends and then everybody can drink the kool aid together. Okay,
I'm not putting down religion. Okay, it's good for your health.
I'm just gonna say that. But there's a much easier
way to grow membership, and it's simply to give birth
to new members, baby members. This is where religion and
patriarchy collude. If you can control a woman's sexuality and reproduction,
(21:51):
it's the best way to get brand new little people
to indoctrinate to your new club rules. Thus, literally all
the Abrahamic religions tend to forbid. Listen closely, masturbation, don't
want to waste that good sperm. Same sex relationships, Oh
that doesn't conceive a baby, fornication outside marriage, don't drop
babies outside of this club, that is, unless you have
(22:15):
one man and a whole bunch of wives. Hello, patriarchy,
please to meet you again. All a great plot for TV. Now,
we know that human beings are complex and these simple
rules of patriarchy, religion, club affiliation usually don't fit with
the masses. Evolutionary psychologists say that Homo sapiens have the
(22:38):
widest range of sexual behavior, and that sex is used
for so much more than reproduction. It's used for don't
judge social elevation, stress reduction, commerce, bonding, alleviate boredom as
an expression of love. So what happens when people are
sexually repressed by their religion? Well, when you push your
(22:58):
diverse urges deep down inside yourself and ignore them altogether,
you know what happens. Little pieces bubble up, those pesky
humanity flies up to the surface, and sometimes at the
most inopportune times, in some socially unacceptable ways. Have you
ever heard somebody who had an affair say, I don't
know what happened. It just happened. I didn't plant it. Yeah,
(23:21):
you see naturally occurring human desires when we don't allow
them to become conscious, when we don't take the time
to examine them, when we don't take the time to
decide what our personal boundary is going to be, sometimes
they show up without our permission, and this can be
shocking even to us, but it can also make for
(23:41):
some really great TV. So, if you want to tune
in to the secret lives of Mormon wives. Apparently it's
on Hulu. Hey, when we come back, are you in
a back and forth relationship and you're wondering if it's
finally over this time? How to know that your person
is not coming back when we return? I've got bad
news for you. You're listening to Doctor Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty kf.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I would like
to welcome my TikTok audience. How are you guys? If
you'd like to see what we got going on here
in the studio, you are welcome to log onto TikTok.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R
Wendy Walsh. After this segment, I am going to be
taking your calls and answering your relationship questions. Reminder, I'm
(24:32):
not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I have
written three books on relationships and I'm happy to weigh
in on your love lives. You don't have to give
us your real name. It's okay. The number, I'm going
to give it out now, but it's going we're not
going to open the phones until after the segment. And
the number is one eight hundred five to zero one KFI.
(24:53):
That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three
four okay. Breakups take time. Rarely is there a clean break.
People try to prevent heartbreak by doing a number of things.
Sometimes they do the overlap relationship right they start dating.
(25:13):
In fact, I was on a set shooting a commercial
a few weeks ago. It happened to be all dudes
on the set, and I said, it's more common for
guys to not actually break up right, to just call
us less. Wean us off. And when a guy goes
and just start dating somebody else until she gets a
message and they're all like, yeah, that's this what guys do.
(25:34):
I was like, Wow.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Chris Marrel said the same thing earlier. He's like, I
never broke up with a girl. It just got mean everything.
Guys don't have to.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Break up right, they just start acting like a guy.
They just start acting a little bit mean or a
little bit distant, and till we have to do all
that work of breaking up. But let me just say
it is very common, for instance, for divorces to take
a good two years before somebody even leaves right. Or
there might be like the back and forth, the breaking
(26:01):
up and then you miss the person, you get them
back in and or let's just take a break. I
get that question a lot. People call and say, the
person I'm dating says we need to take a break.
What does that mean. It means they're breaking up with
you and they don't know how to do that. They
want to test their value in the mating marketplace. So
sad Sometimes though, when a breakup happens and one partner
(26:26):
is done, the other partner has trouble processing it. I mean,
there are lots of feelings of loss, there's lots of hope.
Maybe the partner who's been broken up on still really
loves that partner and wants them back. So for all
those people, if you've ever been in the back and forth,
if you're separated from your ex and you're still hoping
(26:49):
that maybe they'll come back, can we please go through
the signs that they are not coming back. Okay, this
is your reality check. They are not coming back. If
you a friend going through this. You should record this
right now. They are not coming back, all right. Number one,
they physically moved away, and it may be just signing
(27:12):
a lease across town. But if they're in a lease somewhere,
or if they've moved to another city, they're probably not
coming back. Okay. They don't fight over stuff. Now, this
is really interesting if you've lived together, whether you're married
or not, when you break up, you guys have to
(27:33):
talk about who gets what's batchela, who gets the dog,
what happens there. But they are done when they don't
care about the stuff, when they're like, I can bind more.
I don't even want to deal with this. Because a
lot of couples stay attached through the fight or the
conflict or the argument over the stuff, right, it's sort
(27:54):
of their way of keeping one foot in while they're
still arguing. So yeah, if they stop mentioning stuff that's
in the house, they're done. They refuse to go to therapy.
Maybe you've been back and forth and back and forth
and you're like, look, let's just go to therapy, let's
talk it out. Maybe we should do some conscious uncoupling.
And if they just say no, then they're not coming back.
(28:18):
They're not coming back. Check your social media. If they
unfollow you now, they're not coming back. Right if you're
still following each other and watching everything that's going on,
maybe still have one little grain of hope. But if
they're if unfollowed you, they're not coming back. Here's a
big one. They've severed all the relationships with your friends
(28:40):
and family, they stop talking to them. You see, relationships
are a bridge between tribes, and when you get together
with somebody, lots of little relationships build within the tribe.
But if your mom's birthday goes by and he's always
been sending her a card or calling and he doesn't
call your mom, it's done. He's not coming back or
(29:02):
she's not coming back. Obviously. A big one is if
they've started dating someone else.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Now.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
I know there are plenty of people who are so
in love with their ex that they think, oh, this
is just a phase. I'm gonna let her get through this.
I know she wanted to just see what it's like
to date that kind of guy, or I don't wanted to.
You know, he just wants to. He doesn't really love her,
it's just you know, he wanted to. Whatever, No he's
trying hard to forget you, or she's trying hard to
(29:32):
forget you by getting with another partner. And here's the
big one. And I am amazed because you remember, our
emotional brain and our rational intellectual brain are two different brains,
and the emotional brain always always wins. It is much
more powerful, it is much more in control. But I
(29:54):
have met people who have said to me. I've said, well,
did they tell you they're coming back? And they'll say yes,
But like if they say the words it's over, we're done,
I don't think we'll get back together. I'll never forget
this time. There was a guy I was dating on
and off and on and off, and one time I
(30:17):
was driving in the car and I guess it was
an on time or something, and I said something like,
you know, if we have a romantic relationship, we're hooking up.
And I was in love, right, we have a romantic relationship,
And he said, you know, I don't think I could
ever have a romantic relationship with you. And hearing those
words felt like a train rolling over my body. I
(30:39):
started crying and sobbing because I needed to hear it.
I needed to hear those words. So if they tell
you it's over, it's over. Believe them, believe their words.
All right, So if you have a grain of a hope,
let me just say, here's the best way to test
the water to see if there's a little chance you
(31:01):
could get back together. First of all, don't beg them
to come back. Nobody wants to come back to a sniveling,
begging kind of person. And don't take the blame. Don't
come back with I'm sorry, it was all my fault.
No one wants to come back to that. They'll walk
all over you. Just say goodbye, go out, date some
new people, show the world that you're able to live
(31:22):
life on your own, and see if they come back.
All righty, when we come back, I am going to
be taking your calls. If you have a relationship question,
please call. The number is one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five
two zero one. Kfive Producer Kayla is going to I
just saw her scurry back to the studio to open
(31:44):
up the phone lines. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app you've been listening to Doctor
Wendy Waalsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show and what a week in relationships? If
you're new to my show. I have a PhD in
clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor.
(00:22):
I've written three books on relationships and I'm obsessed with
the science of love. I want to welcome back as
usual a favorite partner in crime producer Kayla, how are you?
I'm wonderful, Wendy.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
You look so beautiful today. Thank your hair, your outfit.
You are just giving.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Okay, everybody hear this. When I do my little Instagram
live and TikTok live. You want to hear her show?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
You want to?
Speaker 1 (00:42):
She said, you want to see me? I try to
do like some j Lo eyeshadow thing. I saw her
do some demo once and I thought I'd just tried.
Jlo's got nothing on you. Today and we have had
the Brooker in the newsroom. How you do in Heather
Hi I am so good. Hi, and you're a stand
up comedian too. And Saturday night everybody can see you
where the Ice House in Pasadena. See there you go, Raoul,
(01:04):
you have gotten younger and prettier. Don't mean to me,
but I'm looking on my camera here and I see
you looking like twenty two years old and female. What's
up there?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Right?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, you had a change. Oh and a voice change too.
I would like to welcome not only Raouel, but Isabella. Isabella,
is it true you're only twenty two? I am, well
technically twenty one. I turned twenty two on Thursday. Oh
my goodness. I just if there's maternal feeling, I just
want to go hug her. There she is on the
soundboard and she just needs a mom hug. I mean,
that's amazing. Well, welcome to the show. It's wonderful having
(01:36):
you here. You might have to close your ears for
a few things, because we're gonna be talking about some
soft swinging and some pee diddy. And also if you're
in the kind of relationship, not you necessarily, Isabella, but
anyone in listening where there's that on again, off again
and you're like, is this breakup for real? Are we
getting back together? Is this going to happen? I just
want to tell you you're normal that breakups, whether they're
(01:58):
divorces or breaking up between boyfriend and can take years sometimes.
But I've got some tea for you, as the young
folks would say, and the tea is that there are
some serious signs that they're not coming back, okay, And
so later on in the show, we're going to be
talking about that, okay, before we get into it, you know,
unless you've been living under a rock this week, Sean p.
(02:21):
D D. Combs? What are all his names? Kayla?
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Honestly, everybody's just been calling him Diddy, the Diddler these dates.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Oh oh, puff Daddy, Puffy brother, love.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
For a hot second, Didy Sean, Sean Puffy Combs.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
What's his real name is? Shawn Combs? Shawn Combs? This
is his real name? Okay? Well, Shawn Combs is sitting
in a jail cell right now. He's a rapper. He
was rested in Manhattan last Monday. He was indicted by
a grand jury. Now listen to the charges they used
rico law, racketeering, and sex trafficking. Now, this is months
after he was hit with a series of civil sexual
(02:55):
assault lawsuits, and it was a fourteen page, a bombshell
indictment where he's accused of leading a criminal enterprise that
enabled him to allegedly listen to this abuse, threaten, and
coerce women sexually for more than a decade. I got
to say my husband, Julio, I get say my husband now,
my husband, Julio said. It's going to be a very
(03:17):
hard case to prove. We will see. Now, in case
you have not been following this story, may I please
educate you and give you a little bit of a timeline.
It all started in November of twenty twenty three. That's
just last fall, not even quite a year ago. This
is when this idea of maybe a criminal indictment first
(03:37):
came to light. That's because one of his ex girlfriends
named Cassie Ventura sued him for rape and physical abuse.
What she said is that she had to participate in
these drug fueled quote unquote freak offs. She gave harrowing
accounts that he trafficked, raped, and viciously beat her starting
(03:59):
in two thousand and five through twenty eighteen, and he
took complete control over her her personal and professional life.
It sounds so r kellyish, doesn't it anyway? She had,
she sued him for thirty million dollars. Oh and guess what,
they shut that down in twenty four hours, and she's
under a non disclosure agreement and she got her money,
(04:19):
and who knows how much money she got, But in
twenty four hours that went away. That was November sixteenth.
Oh well, but it didn't even take one week. By
November twenty third, another woman alleged and she's that he
drugged her, sexually assaulted her, secretly recorded it. Another anonymous
plaintiff accused him of raping her and a friend in
nineteen ninety and ninety one. Then a week later, December sixth,
(04:42):
he's hit with another sexual assault suit, again, accused of
drugging participating in a gang rape of an unnamed woman
in two thousand and three. But wait, when she was
just seventeen years old. We're getting real, R kelly now,
aren't we? All right? Then all goes quiet around the
cru miss break and we all think maybe this is
going to fly over. Uh uh. On February twenty sixth
(05:05):
of this year, producer Rodney Jones, known as Little Rod,
he sued P Diddy in New York, saying that he
was subjected to unwanted advances by associates of Diddy at
Ditty's direction, and forced to engage in relations with sex
workers that did he hired. Oh my, he talked about
Combs hosting sex trafficking parties. Remember the news was always
(05:28):
talking about those white parties he had in the Hamptons.
Those white parties. Well, apparently they were more colorful than
you would think. They were more colorful. Okay, So then
we get into March. Department of Homeland Security agents. Remember
the raids that was, They raided his mansion in La Miami.
They pulled them off his plane, they pulled computers and phones,
(05:50):
they got stuff, right, So then the whole video came
out of him assaulting Ventura, the one who got the money.
She can't talk about it in a hotel in front
of elevators. It was awful. It's brutal. You can google
it if you want. If you're really screamish, you don't
do it. And then he apologized in this video, I'm
(06:14):
disgusting now.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
And went and I sought out professional help, kind of
going to therapy.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
You're going to rehab.
Speaker 4 (06:28):
Had asked God for his mercy and grace.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
All right, enough, I don't want to listen to him. Listen,
you guys, listen enough enough. He didn't even apologize in it,
and he never mentioned his victim's name. Okay, Anyway, it continues.
Another model filed a lawsuit in May. It keeps going
on and on and on until here we are. This
past Monday, he was arrested in Manhattan after being indicted
(06:53):
by a grand jury. He apparently is on a suicide
watch inside of Brooklyn jail, where he awaited that They
tried to pay fifty million dollars to get him out
on bail, and the judge said, mmmmm, and here's why
you own a plane. And we also have long text
chains where you've been trying to change witnesses, story, influence witnesses.
(07:14):
So it's not going to happen. So he's sitting there waiting,
waiting for his moment in court and his day in court.
We don't know. He alleges everything is lie. He alleges
he's innocent everywhere, and he may be right. We are
not guilty until proven all right. As if that is
not enough in the world of high profile relationships. This week,
(07:37):
have you guys been watching the Secret Lives of Mormon
wives and do you know what soft swinging is? We
need to talk about this when we come back. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
I love the Mormontors. There are a lot of rules
that we have to follow. We were raised to be
these housewives for the men, serving their every desire. Have
kids by the time you're twenty one or in my
case at sixteen. Well, I'm like this, Why created mom Talk.
(08:18):
It's a group of Mormon moms making tiktoks. It started
with Whitney and Macy, Michaela and I.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
We're breaking a norm.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
We are trying to change the stigma of gender roles
in the Mormon culture.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
That's what scares in the church.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
We have rules for a reason. May see, I need
you to.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
For your aunt.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Don't give me what you work with.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
My goal was really just to be able to provide
for my family, who is currently the breadwinner at home,
all of.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Us really, as we blew up overnight, two million followers.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Nine million views.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Whoa, it's been really crazy for us.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
And then it just turned into this whole group is
swinging with each other.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Wait, what a Mormon living scandal has hit Utah?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
No one was innocent. Everyone has hooked up with like everyone.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Okay, I know, don't you want to rush to the
TV Klee watch Hulu? Okay, I will be tuning in.
Oh my gosh. So this month Hulu dropped every single
episode of the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Okay, little
bit of background.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
It is a.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Reality TV series. It follows a group of eight Utah
based TikTok influencers known as mom Talk according to the producers,
as they navigate the complexities of their personal and professional lives.
So here's what happened. So basically, they're a bunch of
(09:43):
hot women. I think there's four or six of them
or something. There's a bunch of them six eight, I
don't know. That started and one of them started twerking
on TikTok. There's seven eight, there's eight of them. They
found more for the show. Is what happened. But the
original group was like six maybe, and so this one
woman because what happened is, you know, they had their
(10:03):
babies when they were sixteen, so suddenly they're hot and
twenty five and the kids are raised nothing to do,
so they might as well get on out there on
TikTok and start dancing. So they started dancing to try
to say Mormons are cute and Mormons are cool, and
they're all beautiful, super dropped head, hotty, skinny bodied, great girls. Right,
they're like fun. However, somewhere along the way, because you
(10:24):
know how TikTok is, you dance and then you just
talk to the camera, and one of them decides to
tell a story that she and her husband have been
soft swinging, and the next thing you know, that video
goes so viral, like nine million views that Hulu calls
and goes, oh what, maybe there's an audience here for this.
(10:46):
So the one who started and her name is Taylor
Frankie Paul. That's the video that went viral because she
revealed that she and her husband had been soft swinging
with other Mormon couples. And so the TV series actually
begins months later as this girl, Taylor and her group
of influencer friends mom talk deal with the fallout of
(11:09):
the scandal. Da Da Da Da Okay, what is soft swinging?
You ask? I knew you were asking this. So there's
no official definition for soft swinging, but basically, the term
means consensual sexual contact with other couples without going quote
(11:31):
unquote quote unquote all the way. That means no penetration.
Now I don't know if it means no penetration in
one area but not another area. No, Cayla, I know
you are rolling your eyes. There are people out there
who call themselves technical virgins who have had penetration everywhere
except where you can make the babies. I did not lie.
(11:53):
I said the truth that that is true. You're okay. So, apparently,
according to this girl, Taylor Frankie Paul, her quote is,
the agreement was that we could do anything as long
as we were in front of each other and on
the same page, it was fine. I'm not talking like her,
it's terrible to do the voice, but kind of sounds
like that. She said it was fine, but the second
(12:16):
you go separately, that's not okay. And so I broke
that rule. She says, uh huh, and that's where the
series begins with her broken soft swinging rule. Okay, just
let me say that these are a bunch of hormone
infused young people who've been told by their religion you
can't their whole life. And I'm sure even their husbands
(12:39):
are frustrated. Everybody's frustrated. And then there they are, twerking
in their little hipster jeans and their crop tops on TikTok,
and all of a sudden they're like, well, maybe if
we just touch a little bit here. You know, human
beings find all kinds of ways to get around whatever
(12:59):
rule that their culture has made for them. You know,
I don't necessarily think the rules are good rules. I'm
just saying that humans are fabulous in how they find
ways to break rules carefully without really breaking rules, right,
they just sort of bend the rules. So I came
since rules are out there, they have religious rules that
(13:21):
it sounds like they're probably breaking a few Mormon rules.
I don't know. I'm not a Mormon, but it sounds
like it might be. However, I've decided to come up
with doctor Wendy's rules for soft swinging. Okay, because everything
needs rules, all right, So just like having an open relationship,
whether it's open polyamory, whatever it may be, there must
(13:42):
be rules. That's rule number one. You must make rules.
The rules you know, have to be written down, decided upon, agreedable.
I like the writing down part of rules because people
will go back later and say, you didn't say that,
that's not exactly what you said, but you write it down,
sign it on a little piece of paper. That's a
good thing. Now, what should go in these rules, things
like with who, when, where? What are you doing again,
(14:06):
whether you're trying the open thing, whether you're trying the
polyamory thing, which, by the way, people, I met a
young guy in a hot tub this week. It's don't
think like that. I'm a happily married, older woman and
he was just it was a communal hot tub where
you go in after a hard workout and your muscles
are sore and you try to relax. And we were
(14:27):
chatting and he said to me, can I ask you
a question about polyamory? See, they just know it comes
out my skin that I have the answers to these things.
And he said, do you think a lot of people
use that as an excuse to cheat? And I said, yeah, absolutely,
because polyamory, the actual definition of it is three or
more people who are in a relationship together and all
in love with each other together together. They may have
(14:49):
sex with two and then these two and then three
together whatever all three of them are married together or
four of them, whatever it is, that's polyamory. This whole
I'm just going out with another guy tonight, sorry, is
because you have someone's permission to cheat. That's not polyamory. Okay.
So anyway, whatever you want to call soft swinging, full swinging,
(15:13):
open relationship, call it polly if you want. You have
to rules on who I know somebody who has an
open relationship a long time married person, and their rule
is it can't be anyone they socialize with. It can
only be a stranger, right, So it might be something
like that. When and where can't be in the family
home is one of their rules. Go get a room,
(15:33):
all right? Not happening here? What acts are a lot
of your soft swinging? What does that mean? Inquiring minds
want to know, and you guys need to put it
on paper. But the most important thing, and I got
to get this out, both partners have to be on
the same page for the right reasons. If you are
afraid of losing your partner and that's why you're consenting,
that is not a good reason. You're going to hurt yourself, right,
(15:56):
and also, partners have to be able to end the
arrangement at any time. This contract can be torn up
and you can go back. But you know what, once
you've opened that Pandora's box, it's real hard to go
back to committed monogamy. Just saying, anyway, when we come back,
let's talk religion, shall we No, So how close to
(16:18):
real life could the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives be?
Let's talk about what religion does to people in their
mating lives. When we come back. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
KIM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
This is the.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Doctor Wendy Walls Show. We're talking about the Secret Lives
of Mormon Wives. All the episodes have dropped on Hulu.
You can bingam if you want. Basically, Hollywood's at it again.
They're making sensational storylines out of a small group of people.
These people are promoted as representatives of a much larger group.
(17:04):
I mean, the average real life resident of the Jersey
Shore doesn't spend her day stressing over GTL. Remember that
Jim Tan Laundry. Kayla, you're laughing. You still watch that show, Wendy.
That's my guilty pleasure. I watch it often. You went Snookie.
I love Snookie, She's my favorite. Okay, So what it
has morphed into like real Housewives of New Jersey Shore.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Yeah, Now they're like parents and they have their kids
and they just go on vacation together.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
It's a great successful and I love it. Okay. Well,
I also don't think there are many stay at home
moms in Beverly Hills or Orange County who routinely get
arrested over the weekend. My point, Reality TV is an oxymoron. Okay,
But here we are again. This time Hollywood has focused
(17:48):
their lens on one of the last bastions of patriarchy. No,
not the Catholic Church. Well, basically a religion that we
perceive to really oppress women, the Church of Latter day Saint,
most commonly referred to as LDS or Mormon. Apparently they
don't like Mormon. They like to be called Church of
Latter day Saints or LDS, so the secret lives of
(18:10):
Mormon wives will likely attract a very large viewing audience.
I was shocked to learn this. Did you know half
the state of Utah is a member of the church.
I mean, those are ratings right there, right. So whether
Hollywood depicts the LDS community, you know, in a proper light,
(18:30):
or whether you're appalled or how they're you know, it
doesn't matter. There's lots of reasons to watch this scandal.
I mean, Hollywood's a business, remember that. So I can't
exactly speculate on how exaggerated the behavior of this particular
cast is. If I was going to compare them with
an average LDS member, and I don't even know, you know,
what they're on camera or off camera? Persona is like,
(18:53):
because we all change when the cameras are on. We
perform a little bit. But what I want to do
is I want to share some notes from psycho pology
textbooks that shine a light on what viewers can expect.
First of all, if you know me, you know I
am a professor of health psychology, and there is a
boatload of research to support the fact that religiosity any
(19:15):
religion is highly correlated with longevity. Has to do with
three things that are great for our health. All religions
have this, a really supportive social community, the stress reducing
effects of prayers and hymns. And finally, I don't know
if you've ever heard of any religion in the world
that preaches sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I know
(19:35):
I haven't. So religiosity is usually associated with good, clean living, right.
And also there's something else psychologists know, and that is
this sense of hope and faith. It removes your anxiety
if think it's okay, I'm going to be okay, God's
watching over me, or I'll be great in the next life.
There's something that reduces your stress hormones with that knowledge. So,
(19:57):
having said that, though religions are club and you know
how clubs survive, they have to have strict rules for membership,
and they have to have consequences if those rules are broken. Now,
usually the consequence in most religions is a lashing of
guilt and shame, or, in extreme circumstances, maybe a complete
banishment from the clubhouse. Catholics call that excommunication. I don't
(20:21):
think the Catholics would take me back by the way
I think I've broken way too many of their rules
and then set it on the microphone on this station
plenty of times. I mean, I've been baptized, I've been confirmed,
I've been married in a Catholic church. I did all
those sacraments, folks, but they wouldn't take me back now,
no way. So in most religions, if you can't conform
to the rules, maybe because of your natural gender diversity,
(20:44):
or your sexual orientation, or maybe you're just a human
being as a pension for pleasure, you're either left with
the pain of cognitive dissonance, holding two thoughts at once.
One is I'm a good person, I'm a bad person,
or debilitating guilt. Now take these people and they're young
and hot, and you put them on TV. Ooh, this
is going to be some good TV. There's also something
(21:06):
else I want you to consider. As with any club,
religions will die out if they don't continue to increase
their membership base. And one way to do this as
practiced by say Catholic missionaries who travel to those far
flung lands, or Seventh day Adventists who knock on your
front door today. They convert full grown people catching if
you catch someone amidst a life crisis. That's particularly fruitful
(21:29):
because you can promise a circle of really happy new
friends and then everybody can drink the kool aid together. Okay,
I'm not putting down religion. Okay, it's good for your health.
I'm just gonna say that. But there's a much easier
way to grow membership, and it's simply to give birth
to new members, baby members. This is where religion and
patriarchy collude. If you can control a woman's sexuality and reproduction,
(21:51):
it's the best way to get brand new little people
to indoctrinate to your new club rules. Thus, literally all
the Abrahamic religions tend to forbid. Listen closely, masturbation, don't
want to waste that good sperm. Same sex relationships, Oh
that doesn't conceive a baby, fornication outside marriage, don't drop
babies outside of this club, that is, unless you have
(22:15):
one man and a whole bunch of wives. Hello, patriarchy,
please to meet you again. All a great plot for TV. Now,
we know that human beings are complex and these simple
rules of patriarchy, religion, club affiliation usually don't fit with
the masses. Evolutionary psychologists say that Homo sapiens have the
(22:38):
widest range of sexual behavior, and that sex is used
for so much more than reproduction. It's used for don't
judge social elevation, stress reduction, commerce, bonding, alleviate boredom as
an expression of love. So what happens when people are
sexually repressed by their religion? Well, when you push your
(22:58):
diverse urges deep down inside yourself and ignore them altogether,
you know what happens. Little pieces bubble up, those pesky
humanity flies up to the surface, and sometimes at the
most inopportune times, in some socially unacceptable ways. Have you
ever heard somebody who had an affair say, I don't
know what happened. It just happened. I didn't plant it. Yeah,
(23:21):
you see naturally occurring human desires when we don't allow
them to become conscious, when we don't take the time
to examine them, when we don't take the time to
decide what our personal boundary is going to be, sometimes
they show up without our permission, and this can be
shocking even to us, but it can also make for
(23:41):
some really great TV. So, if you want to tune
in to the secret lives of Mormon wives. Apparently it's
on Hulu. Hey, when we come back, are you in
a back and forth relationship and you're wondering if it's
finally over this time? How to know that your person
is not coming back when we return? I've got bad
news for you. You're listening to Doctor Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty kf.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I would like
to welcome my TikTok audience. How are you guys? If
you'd like to see what we got going on here
in the studio, you are welcome to log onto TikTok.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R
Wendy Walsh. After this segment, I am going to be
taking your calls and answering your relationship questions. Reminder, I'm
(24:32):
not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I have
written three books on relationships and I'm happy to weigh
in on your love lives. You don't have to give
us your real name. It's okay. The number, I'm going
to give it out now, but it's going we're not
going to open the phones until after the segment. And
the number is one eight hundred five to zero one KFI.
(24:53):
That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three
four okay. Breakups take time. Rarely is there a clean break.
People try to prevent heartbreak by doing a number of things.
Sometimes they do the overlap relationship right they start dating.
(25:13):
In fact, I was on a set shooting a commercial
a few weeks ago. It happened to be all dudes
on the set, and I said, it's more common for
guys to not actually break up right, to just call
us less. Wean us off. And when a guy goes
and just start dating somebody else until she gets a
message and they're all like, yeah, that's this what guys do.
(25:34):
I was like, Wow.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Chris Marrel said the same thing earlier. He's like, I
never broke up with a girl. It just got mean everything.
Guys don't have to.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Break up right, they just start acting like a guy.
They just start acting a little bit mean or a
little bit distant, and till we have to do all
that work of breaking up. But let me just say
it is very common, for instance, for divorces to take
a good two years before somebody even leaves right. Or
there might be like the back and forth, the breaking
(26:01):
up and then you miss the person, you get them
back in and or let's just take a break. I
get that question a lot. People call and say, the
person I'm dating says we need to take a break.
What does that mean. It means they're breaking up with
you and they don't know how to do that. They
want to test their value in the mating marketplace. So
sad Sometimes though, when a breakup happens and one partner
(26:26):
is done, the other partner has trouble processing it. I mean,
there are lots of feelings of loss, there's lots of hope.
Maybe the partner who's been broken up on still really
loves that partner and wants them back. So for all
those people, if you've ever been in the back and forth,
if you're separated from your ex and you're still hoping
(26:49):
that maybe they'll come back, can we please go through
the signs that they are not coming back. Okay, this
is your reality check. They are not coming back. If
you a friend going through this. You should record this
right now. They are not coming back, all right. Number one,
they physically moved away, and it may be just signing
(27:12):
a lease across town. But if they're in a lease somewhere,
or if they've moved to another city, they're probably not
coming back. Okay. They don't fight over stuff. Now, this
is really interesting if you've lived together, whether you're married
or not, when you break up, you guys have to
(27:33):
talk about who gets what's batchela, who gets the dog,
what happens there. But they are done when they don't
care about the stuff, when they're like, I can bind more.
I don't even want to deal with this. Because a
lot of couples stay attached through the fight or the
conflict or the argument over the stuff, right, it's sort
(27:54):
of their way of keeping one foot in while they're
still arguing. So yeah, if they stop mentioning stuff that's
in the house, they're done. They refuse to go to therapy.
Maybe you've been back and forth and back and forth
and you're like, look, let's just go to therapy, let's
talk it out. Maybe we should do some conscious uncoupling.
And if they just say no, then they're not coming back.
(28:18):
They're not coming back. Check your social media. If they
unfollow you now, they're not coming back. Right if you're
still following each other and watching everything that's going on,
maybe still have one little grain of hope. But if
they're if unfollowed you, they're not coming back. Here's a
big one. They've severed all the relationships with your friends
(28:40):
and family, they stop talking to them. You see, relationships
are a bridge between tribes, and when you get together
with somebody, lots of little relationships build within the tribe.
But if your mom's birthday goes by and he's always
been sending her a card or calling and he doesn't
call your mom, it's done. He's not coming back or
(29:02):
she's not coming back. Obviously. A big one is if
they've started dating someone else.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Now.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
I know there are plenty of people who are so
in love with their ex that they think, oh, this
is just a phase. I'm gonna let her get through this.
I know she wanted to just see what it's like
to date that kind of guy, or I don't wanted to.
You know, he just wants to. He doesn't really love her,
it's just you know, he wanted to. Whatever, No he's
trying hard to forget you, or she's trying hard to
(29:32):
forget you by getting with another partner. And here's the
big one. And I am amazed because you remember, our
emotional brain and our rational intellectual brain are two different brains,
and the emotional brain always always wins. It is much
more powerful, it is much more in control. But I
(29:54):
have met people who have said to me. I've said, well,
did they tell you they're coming back? And they'll say yes,
But like if they say the words it's over, we're done,
I don't think we'll get back together. I'll never forget
this time. There was a guy I was dating on
and off and on and off, and one time I
(30:17):
was driving in the car and I guess it was
an on time or something, and I said something like,
you know, if we have a romantic relationship, we're hooking up.
And I was in love, right, we have a romantic relationship,
And he said, you know, I don't think I could
ever have a romantic relationship with you. And hearing those
words felt like a train rolling over my body. I
(30:39):
started crying and sobbing because I needed to hear it.
I needed to hear those words. So if they tell
you it's over, it's over. Believe them, believe their words.
All right, So if you have a grain of a hope,
let me just say, here's the best way to test
the water to see if there's a little chance you
(31:01):
could get back together. First of all, don't beg them
to come back. Nobody wants to come back to a sniveling,
begging kind of person. And don't take the blame. Don't
come back with I'm sorry, it was all my fault.
No one wants to come back to that. They'll walk
all over you. Just say goodbye, go out, date some
new people, show the world that you're able to live
(31:22):
life on your own, and see if they come back.
All righty, when we come back, I am going to
be taking your calls. If you have a relationship question,
please call. The number is one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five
two zero one. Kfive Producer Kayla is going to I
just saw her scurry back to the studio to open
(31:44):
up the phone lines. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app you've been listening to Doctor
Wendy Waalsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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